sometimes, people just don’t deserve your forgiveness. some people are just selfish and awful, and there’s no excuses that can be made for them, no matter how hard you try. let yourself be mad. get unapologetically furious. they’ve hurt you enough, let them see it.
I have always loved tulips. I used to think that I needed a man to buy me flowers. I thought it was romantic. It is. But I love being able to buy my own flowers whenever I want.
He never bought me flowers. So every once in a while when I had a few bucks to spare, I’d buy myself tulips.
They just make a space look cheerful.
I had this friend. In fact, she was a lot like another friend I had. Anyway, I had this friend. We were friends for about 4 months in all. A few months three years ago, and then a few more last year. I got sucked into her ideas and her problems and she was better and more important than me. She was rude, never responding, lying to me, and one day I had enough. I was planning to talk to her about it when I calmed down, but she heard I was upset and told me to stop talking to her, then texted all our mutual friends to tell them she wasn’t talking to me anymore in the most dramatic way possible. She’s been insulting me to them, saying things about me that definitely aren’t true. I just want her to leave me and my friends alone, but she won’t.
Lots of things, but the one that triggered my most recent post is that I was having a bit of an anxiety attack about the future, wondering what I’ll do if this or that goes wrong in my life, and my mom said “Well then I guess you’ll have to kill yourself.”
Which, obviously not a good to say to someone during an anxiety attack, especially one who’s dealt with suicidal thoughts in the past. Needless to say, it didn’t put me in a very good state of mind these past couple days.
let me tell y'all something: I adore watching the interactions my mother has with my therapist. you know, my mum, the person who emotionally, physically and psychologically abused me my whole life, who used to spank me till my legs bled, who called me a coward for cutting myself and attempting suicide, who joked to her friends about my eating disorder, who calls me psychotic and crazy every time I bring up one of the many instances she humiliated me for her own pleasure, who mocked my sexual assault and blamed it on “the heat of the moment”, that woman now gets on video calls with my therapist about how I’M crazy, how I’M angry and loud and verbally abusive, how I treat her poorly, how I’M killing myself because all I gotta do to cure my anorexia is eat and I can’t even do that, how I’M insane because of the way I dress. That woman, who still puts me through so much shit and refuses to apologise and own up to all the things she did (and allowed others to do) to me, now plays the victim to MY therapist and makes her think I’m some kind of disrespectful monster who doesn’t know anything about life. isn’t that fucking hilarious??????
my mum’s excuse to when she used to spank me as a child was “this hurts me as much as it hurts you” and at the time i genuinely believed her but now i’m like?????? no the fuck it didn’t???? are you the one permanently scarred from the hours of beating and who had to hide the purple marks on your legs so the kids as school wouldn’t make fun of you and whose future relationships are completely ruined because you will never be able to trust a human being ever again after the only person who was supposed to love and care for you left you fucking bleeding because your 7 year old self did something that displeased her?????? didn’t fucking think so. get the fuck out of here w this shit if this hurt you as much as it hurt me you wouldn’t do it.
You’re not the person I loved you as
Im not the person you said you’d die for
Your broken promises became shards of glass when I watched you tread on a broken heart and a bottle of wine
I’ll never smoke I’ll never drink I’ll keep myself clean for you for you, foryou my love
What happens when I leave? You will heal from me but never from yourself
The barrier I made fell away month after month after month
I’ll stop eating for you my love, I’ll stop breathing.
I thought you died in a hospital bed
Who cares who cares, who. Fucking cares
You’re carved into my brain with intrusive thoughts and radio static
You make me fucking miserable, you saved my fucking life
I need you under my skin, in my arms, running through my blood like a virus that’s only ever hurt me but somehow I can’t live without.
Get out. Of my fucking head.
Aquí vamos nuevamente, sanando, llorando y floreciendo poco a poco. Tal parece que el amor nunca ha estado hecho para mi y que nunca juega a mi favor, porqué cuando creo que he encontrado al amor de mi vida, cuando todo parece ir de lo mejor me estrello y caigo tan bajo, tan bajo que a la personas que me han engaño les termino rogando y suplicando por un poquito de atención. No debería de ser así nunca.
Debería de haber corrido al primer engaño, a la primera señal de que no estaba funcionando. Pero yo, una pequeña cegada por el amor pensó que podía cambiar, que valía la pena intentar una y mil veces y que la esperanza es lo ultimo que muere. Error, cuando te guías por esa pequeña frase “la esperanza es lo último que muere” en una relación toxica resulta que no solo tú esperanza termina muriendo si que tú con ella también.
thinking about how all the bullying and abuse i faced as a child till my teens culminated in me convincing myself i will never be worthy of love or happiness and how i have no way to undo all the things other ppl put me through and they will never apologise to me :) :)
Emotional abuse in friendships hits in the worst ways because you grow such a trust and all of a sudden you don’t know what’s happening.
You’re gonna learn the hard way 💯 got nothing to do with me.
No les pasa que después de que se les pasa el enojo en alguna relación comienzan a justificarlo y en lugar de decir los dos estábamos mal, comienzan a ponerse a ustedes en el lugar de “yo me pase” como si se merecieran que ellos las(os) trataran así. Después perdonan pero a costa de recriminarse a ustedes mismos, por miedo? Por culpa?
Les diré algo por miedo a que te dejen o por culpa de perder a alguien no se perdona, si tú corazón te dice como te estás sintiendo y actuaste mal, aprende pero no vuelvas una y otra vez a someterte a lo mismo que ya viviste, porque lo mismo va a pasar. Arréglate a ti mismo no a los demás, aprende no te juzgues, perdona pero no por miedo.
Hoy me paso, Me juzgo a mi antes que a ellos, cuando en el momento que tome una deducción fue por algo, me conozco mejor que nadie y se que tengo defectos pero también se que ofrezco amor puro, así que si mi yo del pasado tomo la decisión de alejarme la voy a respetar, no tengo que ser amiga de todos mis ex’s, más tóxico sería si les quisiera hacer la vida una pesadilla, ya mejor los dejo ir.
Yo fellas, stay away from these toxic females, and ladies vice versa. 💯
Am I ignorant to think things could go so well?
I’ve spent months thinking of you.
How could this be so right?
But it’s always the same cycle.
And I can take a hint.
I wasn’t her to begin with -