I’m just really tired.
(that’s it, that’s the post)
the thing is i think i Need to try therapy again but i don’t want to try whatever therapist my insurance sends me to i want to CHOOSE
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I swear everytime It's been a while since I've had a flashback, and im convinced I'm not traumatised. I have a really bad one, the timing is always impeccable and im not sure if im greatful for it or hate it.
Being yelled at.
Being looked down on.
Ruining my life is my favorite hobby.
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my prof said that for our finals we can write 13 poems about being 13 but oh boy... that sure was a year... are u really ready for this sir...
I’m learning to love, more like learning how to love again. when I was young, as I got hurt by the world and other people, I held my love back. I held it so close to me that it slipped from my grip.
I loved too much, it hurt people.
This must be a hallucination right? A sad hallucination, making Kyle think he's seeing the cat he rescued during the storm...
...the other day... week... whenever it was.
(He actually saw the cat before the building exploded, but he's not able to remember it.)
Scene from The Deliverance of Kyle Kindall - Chapter 63
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Talking about what really bothers me has been historically difficult.
Maybe this is because of how much my parents hated for me to express my opinions or feelings when they weren't congruent with their needs. The excessive emotional demands placed on little!me have left scars.
🌈 Everything you go through is just an experience, and experiences are temporary. A month, a year, or 5 years from now your life could be dramatically different. Sure things suck right now, but they can change.
🏋🏽♀️ 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗮𝗽𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗴𝗲𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴.
☀️ Can you think of one thing that you can do today to help support and encourage yourself?
I'll go first..
I multi-task 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵. Sometimes it overwhelms my brain and drains me of my mental energy. Today feels like one of those days, so I'm going to make an effort to focus on one task at a time and take breaks when I need them, even if it doesn't feel like I'm being "productive" enough. Why is this important to me? Because I've learned that somewhere along my journey through life, I began equating my self-worth to my productivity and ability to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. I end up feeling inadequate and doubtful of my abilities if I'm not busy doing something every second of the day.
That does not serve my highest good, so instead I've chosen to believe that our value is inherent. We are all valuable simply because we exist. I do not have to fill up my schedule with a million tasks each day to prove my value. Focusing on one task at time and taking breaks are actions I'm putting into practice to help shift my mindset and automatic behaviors.
Your turn👇🏽 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁'𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆?
[analysis] i would love to talk about the second black space with you all and how it contrasts to the first black space (omori spoilers ahead)
tw for suicide, hanging, and knives,
full analysis under the cut! i think it’s worth a read, reblogs are very appreciated.
the first black space is very confrontational, a bit abstract, and very disturbing. it has some terrifying imagery of suicide, hanging bodies, knives, and many other things; all of these being the root of sunny’s trauma. the black space basically spells out what trauma sunny has yet also has a layer of ambiguity, it doesn't spell it out like "the truth" segment, but it does if you look and analyze it hard enough.
this heavily contrasts the black space 2. the black space 2 is filled with disturbing imagery, yes, but it seems like a more repressed black space. i was actually surprised how much less scary the black space 2 was, call me weird all you want for saying that, but i think that was intentional.
the black space has locations dedicated to tormenting sunny with the memories that are slipping into their escapism world, such as rooms like the pain area, the backyard area, and the punishment area. these areas have very obvious meaning to both sunny who lived their meaning and re-players.
in contrast though, the black space 2 has many new yet slightly familiar locations, such as forests, docks, yards, etc that upon replaying after knowing the truth, still hold an ambiguous meaning.
the black space 2 is a physical manifestation of what happened when sunny had repressed their feelings and trauma and indulged too much into their escapism reality. the black space 2 is a bit less confrontational because unlike the route you find the black space in, the black space 2 is found after ignoring everything and living in your own little world.
the imagery in the black space 2 is exactly what someone who only played the hikikiomori route would see; and exactly what sunny, who has repressed all their memories and all their emotions, would see. they wouldn’t see imagery of hints of a truth they never fought to pursue, they will only see glimpses of already long gone and long buried memories.
in the black space 2, there is a door you can find at the end of a red maze that leads to multiple descending rooms with a ladder in each one. someone warns you not to go, but if you go anyways and you make it to the bottom floor, you will see a barely recognizable hanging black haired girl with a long distorted face in the darkness.
this segment physically show’s that sunny has buried the truth 20 stories down, and considering the only way to leave this room is to stab yourself, they would rather die than confront what they did.
the black space is sunny’s suppressed trauma leaking into their world of escapism; while the black space 2 is suppressing that trauma even further until the very end, never accepting it, and never moving on - which is exactly what the sunny route and the hikikomori route strived to portray.
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Do y’all ever go through a period where you’re going through something but you aren’t aware of it yet and then a year later you look back at your most listened to songs from that time period and are like oh. OH.
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I had possibly the longest convo I have ever had with my brother today. It was like 4 hours. It started off with him denying I have autism, but quickly led to a rabbit hole of so many things. At one point he said "if youre autistic, then so am I because I have all those symptoms you described" and I was just like well if the shoe fits??? It IS genetic. 😂
Tw: gaslighting mention, trans denial, implied suicide, abuse, attempted murder, idfk what else..
And he swears I didnt have pain growing up in my clubbed foot until I was in high school. He ended up admitting at one point that everything I said was true...but my timeline was off???? He was so hung up on it too. I was just like >.> you better not be gaslighting me about my own memories. After a while of people not taking me seriously or doing anything to fix it, I stopped telling people it hurt. It's that simple.
He also said that he knew, and my mom and grandma knew but denied, that I was trans early on in my childhood. Like thanks for telling me now??? Maybe it would have been helpful to do that when I was so distressed I admitted myself into the psychiatric ward! Or better yet, when I was a teenager struggling with my identity??
At one point he did mention that my uncle's abuse of him (and the whole family, tbh) made it so he needed to "toughen up and be a man" so that was why he insisted I stop being sensitive or over emotional all the time, because "it was all I knew".
He insisted that I was always distant and pushed them away when he always wanted to be my best friend. I told him the only message I got from him was that he didnt like who I was and I needed to change. And eventually, I gave up on trying to be anyone but myself.
Of course, talking about my uncle, he said that he and my other brother actually attempted to kill him once. I thought that was pretty funny because my cousin and I talked about and attempted to do similarly with a different method. Of course, we all failed, because that fucker is still alive somewhere. Don't know where, but I don't care to know.
I was really fucking surprised because I mentioned that I never understood why my uncle didnt beat me like he did everyone else (he just made me watch) and he actually said that him and my other two brothers told my uncle that they'd kill him if he ever touched me. I said thank you cause I didnt know what else to say...? I mean..I just thought he knew the real way to hurt me was through hurting everyone else. Especially since I told him I didnt give a fuck if he hit me by the time I was 15.
This was..a lot. We parted on ok terms, for the most part, but I don't know where to go from here. It isn't like I don't love him or whatever, I do in my own way, but I don't know if this means anything. And he's still an ignorant idiot about a lot of shit. And I can't help but still be pissed about how he made me feel growing up. He didnt even apologize for it? Just excused it with abuse. Like not everyone who is abused turns into an asshole. I sure as fuck didnt, did I?
A small, very small, part of me though, is happy to know it wasnt all in my head about the autism. Because I DO have issues remembering my childhood and I have a lot of repressed memories (not that I told him that..). But he admitted it was all probably true..just that the timeline was different and I was off by a few years?? Like..that doesnt mean it didnt happen..and I'm able to remember SOME things that I know for a fact are true and can pinpoint the time.
Anyway..yeah. A LOT. Going to bed so goodnight!
Reason to Live #5550
You will find a new interest or hobby again eventually. – Guest Submission
(Please don't add negative comments to these posts.)
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Here's a tip for healing
Or/and if you want to deal with your past
Get a picture of your younger self
(Not a baby picture!)
Tell that child/person on the picture everything that you needed to hear at that time.
You now know what this person will go through next. Let it flow
Don't do this before sleep if you need to wake up the next morning. Trust me.
Cried almost the whole night through. This shit works
Was having a discussion on one of the servers about the Zygerria arc and it gave me a painful idea for the Clovis arc. (Painful like disinfectant, hopefully.)
(TW: references to rape)
Clovis is doing his canon scumbaggery, to which Anakin reacts similarly to how he does in the arc. Padmé at some point accidentally read Anakin's mission report on Zygerria where he mentions flirting with the queen and serving as a bodyguard. She thinks of it as just a honeypot mission, no different than what she does when Clovis is involved.
So when they're alone together and having the argument, she says something like, I shouldn't associate with Clovis but when you flirt with the Zygerrian queen and serve as her bodyguard it's completely fine?
To which Anakin replies, do you think I had a choice? Followed by a more detailed description of how Miraj held his friends' lives over his head to take advantage of him. Is that what Clovis is doing?
Padmé didn't mean that, and wishes Anakin had told her sooner. She expresses the worry that since they've spent so much time apart because of the war, they can't tell each other important things and be there for each other. She then encourages him to at least find someone he sees more often who he can talk to, since it's not doing him any good to keep things to himself. Does Obi-Wan know?
This then leads to Padmé gently encouraging Anakin to open up more to Obi-Wan on personal matters.
(This is one possible route. There are probably angstier routes than this one, but it's 3 AM and I don't want to think about the angstier routes.)
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station’s like ‘if ur here from that callout that was made when i was 16 i’m 20 now i’ve changed’ like no you haven’t ♡ you’re still the exact same and doing the exact shit you were doing four years ago. ‘changed’ my ass
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In other news, sorry for so many posts, they just keep coming to my head,
I can’t remember his voice anymore. He can’t taunt me anymore. He’s finally left me alone. The memories are still there, and it still affects me, but I can’t hear it in his voice anymore.