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#trauma

so I feel like I’m just a fucking shell without any memories inside. I was in bed yesterday evening and thought about my childhood and I found out that none of those “memories” felt real. They were more like a … movie or picture or something like that. I have no emotions or feelings when I think about it. I can’t even tell if it has really happened. I just could have made it up in my head???! I’m pretty sure I experienced a hella lot of dissociation during my childhood due to the permanent problems in my family, so I blame it to that. But it doesn’t change anything about the fact that I literally don’t know what has been going on in my childhood - except for the bad things, obviously, that trigger the hurtful memories and feelings. And even when I think I can remember something … I’m not sure it’s real. That’s so fucked up. I don’t know who I was back then. That hit me so hard, I just slept till 1 pm and didn’t drink anything. I’m so sad, I’m heartbroken. I lost my childhood to my parents and my brothers problems. That’s so unfair.

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Every time I read about trauma and they talk about how important having people love/support them it’s a gut punch with a knife.

Because on top of asking why these things happened to me, I have to ask why no one around me objected. Both peers and adults saw what was happening to me, or at the very least that something was happening to me, and decided it wasn’t worth intervening in.

I feel like I’ve spent my whole life desperately trying to earn enough worth to be cared for. And I am beyond exhausted because it’s an ever moving goalpost.

Some days there’s enough fury in me to viciously love myself into moving forward anyway. But some days, like today, gathering up the broken pieces of myself is just an empty act born of repetition. I am so tired.

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TW TRAUMA

I feel bad beacuse I have an adorable, amazing, sweet and caring boyfreind who has helped me so so much and I love him so so much but I still can’t seem ti trust him completely, it really blows because I KNOW im safe with him and I know he would never hurt me but whever he gets frustrated about somthing i cant help but flinch amd panic because I’m so used to any more of aggression being turned into violence and I feel bad because I know he trusts me and I just wish i could give that back to him. Ive talked to him about it and he gave me a hug and it was lovely but I feel really guilty

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We’ve had The. Worst. ™ panic attack ever today. I feel drained.
I have no idea what happened or what the trigger was. My gf says it was probably Unknown Child X who was out - they didn’t front for a long time. I don’t know what triggered them out & what set them off this badly. 

Or maybe I do know.

Trigger warning for mentions of illnesses (cancer) & death.

Keep reading

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I have an appointment with my doc today since my test results are there now. I’m a bit scared because I know it’s gotten worse since I’m off my medication for a few days now and the pain is starting to kick in same time as my lack of sleep is really getting to me. I relly need help with paying for my medication its really really urgent at this point please if you can help me dm me for more..

I know nobody will see this but if you do…please help me.

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Still looping through self abusive and unhealthy cycles,

as much as I’ve changed and moved forward, some of my problems have stuck to me like glue. 

The main ones being my propensity to let loss keep me from continuing to live,

and my impulsive need to relive memories that do nothing but hurt my heart and enforces my lack of trust and fear of more loss, be that through music, images, routine/habits or self deprecating behavior. 

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Prompt: Storm
@whumpmasinjuly

For day fifteen, I decided to do a mini drabble + prompt! No names or fandoms for this, so it can be taken however you want! If you use this, make sure to credit me! Don’t claim this as your own!

Whumpee has a fear of storms and Whumper knew this. Every time there was a storm, Whumper would drag Whumpee upstairs and lock them in a room closest to the outside. It was dark with no light, and it wasn’t well insulated so it was plenty cold and noise from outside was easily heard. Whumpee would be tied up and forced to deal with the storm with no means by which they can comfort themselves.

After Caretaker has rescued Whumpee, a storm starts up and Whumpee comes up to Caretaker, begging them to not put them in the Storm Room and leave them alone.

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why was i such a disgusting 11 year old?? i said such gross and weird things but can i really blame myself?? i thought it was normal. its so fucking embarassing knowing the people i was surrounded by made me think csa was normal. i thought it was okay to moan for my older friends in call in a uwu anime voice, send panty pictures for shock value and attention, let people comment about the size of my fucking chest, let them look at my chest to fuel my “ uwu swutty wittle gwirl ” persona. i thought ACTING like that would make them LIKE ME. i thought it was normal to go into messages with older people and say sexual things for their attention.

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do i really need a purpose though?? why not just have fun?? im a fucking kid i dont need to please ugly terrible men, thats not my reason to live, i can do things and get affection and feel validated without sending stupid photos. im not useless if im not sitting on my bed panting and bleeding and sobbing and feeling disgusting, that isnt love and that sure as hell isnt what my purpose is.

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