(This is a little heavy, but I wanted to apologise.) To be honest, the kinning ask was partly due to expecting you to know something about it, since you seem pretty well informed about fandom history and lore.
...But some of it was also spur of the moment upset, I'm afraid. I've repeatedly asked people on my fanart posts not to tag the characters as kin, and a lot of times they don't respect that. It's deeply anxiety inducing to see things tagged as something that I knew many neurodivergent kids/teens who tried to hurt themselves to get "back" to where they believed they came from, and seeing it bandied around so much ended up with me wanting input from a internet guy who's known to be more chill and objective.
Which isn't your responsibility, or something you could have read intothat short ask before. It's alright whether or not you decide to publish this ask, I just wanted to be clear and say sorry about the weirdness.
(Link to initial ask here, for the curious.)
You know, this is really interesting, and I feel a bit weird saying that in response to an apology, but I'd like to dig into this a little! And up front, I’m sorry you’re going through that -- Tumblrites are not always known for reading or adhering to the fine print even when the fine print is...huge. It sucks that people aren’t respecting your pretty reasonable request.
A lot of times, when I get an apology like this, I will say "Hey no need to apologize" or similar, and honestly I wasn't expecting or in need of an apology from you. But I do appreciate that you are saying you had a kind of knee-jerk reaction to something external to the two of us and came to me about it, and that maybe that wasn't entirely appropriate. So in this case I want to say apology accepted. I don't want you to feel bad, but I want to accept the apology rather than say it wasn’t necessary, because I think it validates good behavior in you. This was a good ask for you to send and I know it can’t have been easy either. So you can absolutely stop reading here if you want to, knowing that I think you did a good job and I’m not mad in any way.
But I do want to discuss it more, because it's actually incredibly common for me as an experience.
I was aware -- which is why I took the stance of inquiry that I did -- that when you sent that ask you were very likely responding to something I couldn't see. I was a little wary, because one never knows when one is about to be sucked into some fight through sheer lack of context, but I didn't see the harm in responding honestly; if you were in earnest you'd get to hear my thoughts, and if you were being disingenuous I wasn't giving you much to get your hooks into. And hey presto, you were in earnest!
If you had said "I'm wondering what your thoughts are on the term kinning, because XYZ" you would not even need an apology, that's a legit thing to want to ask someone when you know they'll have an interesting perspective. I think the minor struggle for both you and myself is that you made a statement of a stance, rather than asking a question. But again, I am not here to make you feel bad, I'm pointing it out because it's something a lot of people do. Not even to me -- just in the world in general.
But yes also to me sometimes.
Because I have a large readership, and because I have a reputation for thoughtful response, I get this kind of interaction with relative frequency. Many are perfectly fine, healthy things to say to someone with an open inbox, and that one wasn’t especially unhealthy. But sometimes, also, people who are caught in toxic habits will see my blog and without even realizing they’re doing it will try to use me, and by extension the readership, in unhealthy ways. Usually that’s pretty visible and I’m able to head it off, because people in that much pain aren’t subtle, but I also can’t always fix the problem, and sometimes the best I can do is silence.
One of the reasons I stopped offering hugs to individual people and instead do the hug-for-all every Saturday is that I was beginning to get a lot of people who were using me -- using my platform to trauma-dump to a large audience, which can be emotionally gratifying but which is not behavior to encourage. It's not a healthy way to deal with pain, and it's not an appropriate way to interact with others; it doesn’t help the person in pain and it tends to isolate them because people pull away from constantly being subjected to a stranger’s suffering, especially if there’s nothing reciprocated.
And to your credit you didn't roll up on me and just drop this pallet of understandable pain that you're feeling on my head. You wanted to hear my thoughts, which of course is gratifying to me, but also speaks to an urge in you to try and reconcile that pain, to figure out how to process it. And in opening up more about why you brought it to me, you’re now giving me context rather than, say, just yelling about people or yelling at me because I didn’t fully understand.
Ultimately, I think the message I want to convey at large is that if you (the generic, population-of-tumblr you) are in pain or sad or need help understanding something that’s causing distress, reaching out is absolutely the right thing to do. But we need to remember when we reach out that we are not asking a vending machine for a band-aid, we’re asking a whole person for their compassion, and that is not something we have a right to demand on terms we set. The easing of pain is a relationship, even if it’s only a temporary one, and a relationship is reciprocal.
And you, Anon, personally, shouldn’t beat yourself up for not quiiiiiite getting there with the first ask -- you got a lot closer than a lot of people would. If I can put my Dad Hat on for a second, you’ve got good sound instincts, kiddo. Trust ‘em.
Why Stoner Jonathan actually makes so much sense and is a great plot:
Jonathan has dealt with so much throughout his life and we know it: Lonnie's abuse, his parents' divorce, etc. Always having to protect Will.
Then Season 1, not only thinking he had lost his brother aka his only friend. But also having to plan his funeral and everything BY HIMSELF because his mom refused to believe he was actually dead.
Then all the Upside Down shit happened. He fell in love with Nancy and then she went back to Steve.
More Upside Down shit.
And in all this, he's never been top of his class in... well, any class. If not being insanely good with photography.
And so, when he moves to Cali, when he's finally away from Hawkins and everything that caused him trauma, being it the 80s and finding only one fucking friend his age for ONCE in his life, it just feels natural that he starts to smoke pot.
It distracts him from thinking about his trauma. It's his method of coping.
It makes total sense, y'all just forget his trauma.
It’s tiring to see that others think of me as an extremely soft, warm, kind and naive person. I am not. I might hug my friends and tell them I appreciate them, but I am not any of those things, and it’s exhausting to know that my family doesn’t take me seriously because I appear to be too warm.
I am not kind, I am not soft, and I am not warm. I doubt there’s more than five family members that would respect me or tolerate my presence if they knew I am not straight nor cis. I would not be welcome in their houses, I would not be allowed to be in their lives, and I would not be safe because I exist and they do not agree with that.
Every single day I need to wake up, get out of bed and deal with one horrifying news after the other. Every single day I need to remember the bad things that happenned to me and how everyone was cruel. Every single day I feel the failures of a world that was not built with me or my friends in its design. And somehow, every single fucking minute I continue to have hope, and I continue to chose love, and I continue to keep on living, because I am unfit for this design of cruelty and I will break it from the inside out and outside in because I do not tolerate it to keep on existing.
I chose to be kind and I chose to be soft and I chose to be warm because I know someone needs me to chose those things. Humanity thrives and exists not because it survives by walking on a destruction path but because we live. I did not ask for help when I realized I would not be welcome amongst my blood family and I only started to live when I noticed one day there would be someone else for me, and God damnit I am going to be that person for someone even if for a mere moment.
Cruelty tried to take my choice to be kind away from me. It failed, and I will make sure that it regrets ever daring to think it could stop me.
Pairing: Marc Spector x male Reader (mention of Steven/Jake)
Word Count: 1965
Summary: When Marc fails to save a little boy during a mission it rips up old wounds he has laid bare for you once before. You are there to show him he's enough and you won't leave him because of it.
Warnings/Tags: DID, mention of loss, mention of former abuse (no details), indirect mention of Marc's mother, angst, hurt, comfort, anger outburst, trauma, mention of blood, (let me know if I forgot anything)
A/N: I don't have DID, I only know someone close to me who does, which means any descriptions regarding it lean onto the show itself or that person's experiences (which they are completely comfortable with). Let me know if there are any harmful/incorrect stereotypes that haven't been part of the characters in the show.
Prompt "I want to deserve you, I am trying to" requested by anon
Thank you @leithatnight for beta reading! ~🌙
Taglist: @naniclouded @healing-sunshines-world @ahookedheroespureheart @in-between-the-cafes @mona-has-friends @renee834729 @aduckinpain @moonknighttsblog @peach-betrayal @fizzymilkduds @avatarofseshat @unspokenmoon @edmundispunk
You glanced at your watch once more, turned on your phone, and checked for a missed call or text message. Again, nothing. Marc headed out hours ago promising he'd be back soon and it wouldn't take long. It would be 3 am in a few minutes and you were getting desperate to know if he was alright or not. Chewing on your lower lip nervously you made your way to your shared bedroom and cursed softly as you tasted blood. You have been doing this for too long now. You threw on a sweater and went to search for your extra keys to Steven's old flat. Marc spent most of his time at your place, Steven did too nowadays but kept the apartment to store his stuff, Jake loved the flat as a hiding space before and after missions.
Sighing softly you left a note that you were at the flat looking for him, in case he'd finally come back and wonder where you were. You got into the car and drove across town to get to the flat. Your stomach hurt in fear that he got injured or worse, but maybe he also just didn't want to come back to you. You'd met Marc a year ago, and it took some time and effort from both of you to break down some of the many walls he built up. You knew about his childhood and his mother, you knew how he became entangled with Konshu and the whole Moon Knight thing, and you knew about Steven and Jake who seemed to adore you just as much. But you also knew he hated talking about the past because it made him upset which ended up in him getting drunk to numb the pain. You respected him only opening up very slowly, knowing parts of what he went through you knew he had justified reasons for it. And still, Marc had opened up to you which was significant to both of you. It meant he trusted you enough to do so and he loved having someone to talk to about some stuff sometimes. Not checking back in with you, even with just a little text message was unusual. When he needed space he usually let you know and so here you were, forced to figure it out yourself.
You made your way up to Steven's flat and quietly unlocked the door, slipping in. Putting the keys aside you looked around taking in the messy state of it and smiling a little to yourself. You noticed the light in the bathroom and moved towards it stopping in your tracks a little surprised when you see your boyfriend stepping out of it, one side of his face dappled with blood. He looked exhausted, but what got your attention were his eyes. They were reddened from crying, brimmed with tears, and tear streaks covered his face. The sight of it made you want to scoop him up in your arms and never let go again.
He stared at you just as surprised before chuckling roughly. "Thought you wouldn't come," he said, his voice sounding hoarse.
You furrowed your browns confused. "I texted you but I didn't get any answer. That's why I came looking for you."
"I did text you." he insisted and walked past you, grabbing his phone off the bedside table. "Ah, fucking Steven and his nonfunctional internet connection." he groaned softly. "Sorry, my fault."
You watched him as he sat down heavily at the edge of the bed and stared off into the distance. Moving closer carefully you spotted the drink he had almost emptied and a bottle next to it. You grabbed it, noticing there wasn't much left in it.
"Already open." he simply said, not wanting you to think he drank the whole thing tonight.
You put it back and sighed softly, reaching out for him. Running your hand through his hair smoothly made him close his eyes and almost lean into your touch. "Rough night?" you asked softly and stopped the movement as he flinched heavily.
Marc played with his hands nervously and you could see they were trembling. His throat tightened thinking back at what had happened and him losing his mind a little when you didn't show up. He thought you had had enough. "I-." he started and immediately felt the tears running down his cheeks again. "I did it again." is all he got out before a sob shakes his body.
Within a matter of seconds, you're sitting next to him on the bed and wrapping your arms around him. "Hey, come here," you said softly and he did. You had no idea what he was talking about but his reaction told you it was severe.
Marc turned a little to the side and buried his face in your chest defeated. Clutching onto you he started sobbing into your sweater and felt pathetic doing so. Nevertheless, he wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now.
You held him close, soothingly rubbing his back and pressing a kiss onto his head. "It's okay, I got you," you promised and gently ran your hand through his thick curls. This was something that never happened before. Him breaking down like this and holding onto you like you were the last thing keeping him from falling apart.
Marc was trembling in your arms, breathing in your familiar scent, bringing nothing but comfort and safety for him. He tried to forget the horrible incident earlier and focused on you. Which didn't do the trick because now he started thinking about how your pure, loving, and kind soul was too good for him. How messed up he was and how much you deserve something better than him. It broke his heart knowing he'd never be enough for someone like you, especially you. And so he very gently backed away and messily wiped his cheeks. "You should go," he said and didn't dare to look at you and see the confused hurt in your eyes.
"Why?" you asked, not letting him get away with this. You wouldn't just leave after he told you he had asked you to stay with him.
"Because you don't deserve this mess. I don't deserve you," he said and stared at his drink, weighing the options in his mind. Once you'd be gone he could continue as self-destructively as before. You wouldn't get hurt in the process and you'd be able to live your life in peace.
"Of course you deserve -." you started but got cut off.
"I want to deserve you, I am trying to," he said and ran his hands down his thighs shakily, trying to steady himself.
"If you want it, why won't you let me show you, you do?" you asked softly and reached out for him carefully. "Marc, I don't know what happened tonight but it won't change anythi-."
Marc slaps the glass off the table and it breaks into pieces as it hits a wall. "No I don't!" he jumped up. "I am responsible for a little boy dying, again, because I couldn't save him!" he yelled. "And this time there'll be no one making sure I'll never forget what I did but there fucking should be." his voice cracked at the end of the sentence and he turned around punching his fist into the wall hard.
You got up and tried to calm your racing heart with a few controlled breaths as you quietly stepped closer. Once you were close enough you wrapped your arms around him from behind, hesitantly but fast, and pulled him against you. He tried to get out of your grip but you wouldn't let him, holding him close against your chest. "Shh, easy, Marc," you said soothingly. "You're gonna hurt yourself if you keep acting like that."
"Fuck off." he whimpered and his elbow hit your ribs, a surprised gasp of yours making him freeze in your arms. He closed his eyes and exhaled softly, you wouldn't hurt him. You'd never do that. "Please, Y/N," he whispered and shook his head.
"Calm down," you said soothingly and started taking deep breaths with him. "We don't have to talk about what happened, alright?"
He nodded gently and placed his hands on yours, taking a few deep breaths to calm down.
"You can't keep on saving everyone else and let no one do the same for you sometimes." You gently planted a kiss onto the back of his neck and intertwined your fingers, your thumb soothingly rubbing circles over his. "I love you so much, you know," you whispered. "You're the most loving boyfriend I could've wished for."
"Mm don't let Steven hear that." he joked weakly and made you chuckle softly.
"As I was trying to say, you mean the world to me, Marc. And whatever happened that night it won't change what I see in you and love about you." you continued and leaned forward a little, kissing his cheek. "I can give you some space tonight if you need it but you have to promise me to take care of yourself." you offered.
Marc shook his head and squeezed your hand. "Stay," he whispered.
"Okay." you nodded and smiled a little as he turned in your arms and gave you a tight hug. After a while, you led him to the bathroom to finally wipe off the blood from his face. He watched you quietly as you did. You took his hand and gently wiped his knuckles clean, which had hit the wall, and put some cooling paste onto it. When you looked up again your eyes met and your heart skipped a beat seeing the adoration in his. His sweet brown eyes were soft and for a moment you weren't sure if Steven had taken over. But judging by his stance you were sure it was still Marc. "You're alright, beautiful?" you asked softly as he smiled a little at you.
Marc took two quick steps forward, holding onto your shoulders and pushing you back gently as he did so. You were about to ask him what he was up to when you already felt his lips pressed against yours. He kissed you passionately and cupped your face, keeping you there.
Chuckling you brought up your hands, tangling one in his hair and pulling him in closer. You melted into the kiss and smiled happily. He quickly went to devour your neck, leaving you breathless and pulling at his curls whenever he hit the right spots. A gasp left your lips when he bit down into your skin, pinning you against the wall.
He pulled back and smirked at you. "Had to make sure everyone sees you're mine."
"Mm don't let Steven or Jake hear that." you mocked him chuckling.
He snorted and gave you a cheeky grin. "I had you first."
"Well, that is true," you smirked and gave him a loving kiss. "We should get some sleep."
Marc nodded and followed you as you walked him to the bed. You lay down with him and pulled him close again. Marc rested his head on your chest and wrapped his arm around you, making sure you'd stay where you were. You held him close and ran your hand through his hair, massaging his scalp soothingly. "Sleep well, my love," you said gently and got a soft hum back as he was drifting off already in your arms.
For the first time in hours, Marc felt at peace and safe, right there in your arms. Knowing you had his back, no matter what took a lot of weight off his shoulders.
Your phone lit up as a message came in, and you smiled a little seeing it was the one from Marc.
I need you. I'm sorry.