#trauma stuff

[lons-world]

I'm still healing, and when I said I'm still healing I didn't mean healing from painful break ups. I am healing from mistakes I did in the past, from my family issues,friendship issues, from failing myself, from disappointments I received, from expectations I couldn't reach, from traumas I know I don't deserve. When I told you that I'm still healing, this is what I mean. It's not all about love. My soul is still learning to clap för the pieces of myself that nobody wants to clap for. I'm still on the process of figuring things out on my own. I'm still healing silently.

#healingjourney #healing #self healing #quotes #life #thoughts #poetry #life quotes #12 am thoughts #healing quotes #miss my friends #friendship #sad poetry #disappointments #trauma stuff #friendship issues #family issues #past #stuck in the past

[edenfenixblogs]

Spent the day with a friend and it was so fun. If every day could be like today, I’d stay where I currently live.

But even we very carefully avoided discussing המצב so it was still like we were living in different worlds.

The closest I got to bringing it up was when she complimented the Drawfee posters on my wall and I was like, “Thanks, I’m looking to replace them though.” It was a belated bday celebration for her from when I was out of town and had to miss her initial celebration. I didn’t want to be a downer, so I avoided bringing it up as much as possible and I def didn’t tell her I’m moving within the year.

She will easily be the person I’ll miss most here. She’s been the only person I can text about antisemitism any time, but I think even she may have muted me on here. Which I understand. But the people back home haven’t muted me. And I don’t have to pretend to be ok around them.

And ultimately, I’m living half a life here because I don’t want to beg people to care about me. And if my suffering is so great that they have to look away, then it should also be enough for them to check on me about proactively.

Hanging out with a friend and not talking about everything was so nice it was like breathing fresh air after being stuck in a musty cave. But she went home and I feel like I’m suffocating again.

It’s so overwhelming. The isolation is so impossibly overwhelming I cannot even begin to explain it to people who aren’t going thru it.

It’s the kind of thing that would make me ask myself, “Is it me?! Is it just that I’m bad to be around and that nobody likes me?” Except I know it’s not, because a whole group of people back home—both related to me and not related to me—do actually get it and check in on me. When the chips are down, I know they have my back more than anyone else. And so for me and for the future I’m building, I have to go back.

It’s such a brutal blow. But this friend? I will miss her more than anyone else in this whole state and I hope she doesn’t fall out of touch with me. So many emotions, dudes. It’s all so much. I keep wanting to actively unpack the trauma of it all but I can’t because it’s still happening.

One positive thing that comes from all this is that can move up my timeline of when I start trying to get pregnant, which is awesome. I’m ready for that part of my life. Even though I’m sure maternity leave in my new state will suck worse than it would here, financially and time wise. But at least I’ll have a lot of familial support when I’m back home, which I wouldn’t have here.

Now I just gotta pray I’m actually able to get home and that I’m actually able to get pregnant. 😬😬😬😬

#personal #trauma stuff #SMBC journey #some good stuff #some bad stuff #life and the future are complicated but very worth living

[psychologeek]

counting cycle (remember the names)

Goyim and outsiders would talk about the Holocaust, as if -

They know a single thing about it.

(How old were you when you learn that eating after long time of starvation can kill you?)

Calling it "excuse" and "whining" as,

My Arab grandma fast on Tevet 10th, in the memory of her stolen family.

(fifty generations and continents apart. It doesn't matter.)

Talk about the holocaust as if-

You ever looked at the attic and thought

(will they find me?)

Teenagers, born after the 09/11, claim that Bin-Laden was right.

I've heard that,

Most of young Americans

Don't know what those numbers mean -

(6,000,000; 1,500,000, 1945)

I think about never ending things: the sand, and the sea, and a prayer.

(you won't get it)

I guess

Children memorize capital cities

(I was seven when I memorized: Auschwitz-Birkenau-Treblinka-Sobibor-Belzec-Chelmano-)

They say "Kill the jews, save Ukraine Palestine!" And the year is 1919 2023.

(Olga was three, Isac was seven, Fruma was twenty one-)

"Go back to were you came from!" My great grandfather heard in 1932, as he was fired.

The whole community came to say goodbye to the fools, going to Eraz Israel with 4 young children.

(The youngest was so small, he spent the voyage in a basket.)

My gradpa's family was the only one left.

(Mathel from Germany was 4 months, Sara from Poland was 1, Sara from Ukraine was 2, Annie Julie from Algeria was 3, Kaitl from Greece was 4, Rozher from Morocco was 8 -)

I don't have a point, I think

I just remember, as far as our collective memory can reach-

"שבכל דור ודור עומדים אלינו לכלותנו"

(עייפתי)

#poem #Israel #jewish history #my writing #holocaust #jumblr #palestine #history #hamas is isis #hamas #holocaust denials #history repeats itself #can you not #germany #poland #algeria #ukraine #morroco #israel #greece #shoah #mena jews #mena holocaust #holocaust in na #na #usa #children #childhood memories #generational trauma #trauma stuff

[healing-better-faster-stronger]

If you have experienced a trauma, it can be like staring directly at the sun.

Even after you look away, the glare seems everywhere and prevents you from seeing things clearly.

It can keep you from even opening your eyes at all for a while.

Life After Trauma: A Workbook For Healing

#mine #quote #trauma recovery #ptsd recovery #ptsdawareness #trauma stuff #trauma survivors #trauma support #life after trauma #healing #self help #psychology #links

[hermeticbridgetroll]

Traumaversaries are so frikken stupid because I could be completely over what happened to me or even forget about it, but yet every year my body responds with "scared, scared scared, can't move!!!" And I just have to ride it out until it passes.

#trauma #traumaversary #trauma stuff #mental illness #mental health

[rocket-explosive]

Sentimiento decembrino.

No sé que tiene diciembre que nos conecta con el sentimentalismo. ¿Es navidad? ¿Es el fin del año? ¿Es la incertidumbre de un año nuevo que se aproxima? ¿Es el trauma no sanado que cargamos en el pecho, la garganta, la espalda, las rodillas o la cabeza todo el año vigente? ¿Es el año en sí siendo una mierda o es uno mismo dejando que el año haga de nuestra vida una mierda?

x. M

#diciembre2023 #navidad #noche #notas de vida #notas de noche #textos #escritos #trauma survivor #sentimientos #trauma stuff

[misty-caligula]

S2E7

S2E8

Well, which is it, Lottie?

This is what I’ve been saying, exactly. Lott’s the most unreliable leader they could’ve possibly chosen, because she does not have a consistent grip on what It wants, it changes all the time. It’s not bad writing or whatever, it’s that she’s literally delusional. She’s absolutely confident in her perception of It at all times, and doesn’t realise that she’s being inconsistent. And what’s really worrying is that the rest of them don’t seem to notice it either.

Also the absurdity of the situation, Shauna’s killed Adam, Tai’s killed her dog and hurt her wife, Misty’s killed Jessica, Natalie almost killed herself, Van’s dying, and Lottie thinks she can solve all this death with... more death? How exactly? The REASON they killed Javi, the reason they hunted Nat, pit girl and who knows how many others, the reason they ate Jackie, was because they needed FOOD. LIFE. PHYSICAL, not spiritual, sustenance. They were solving death with death only in the way that we solve death with death every single day by eating in the food chain, if you took your food and killed it and then let it just rot you’d be solving nothing.

This isn’t a bug though, it’s a feature. The concept that they never really left the wilderness has been a recurring one all season, and here they are, putting it all together again. They’ve really never been able to reintegrate into society at all, none of them. This is where they’ve always belonged. And the only solutions they learned for their problems are ... insufficient. Self destructive. To the outside world they seem bizarre and nonsensical, to the ‘jackets they’re intuitive and familiar. And they DO argue, to an extent, but only to an extent. Almost like they feel like they are expected to argue, but their hearts aren’t really in it.

Because Lottie’s right. They DID survive last time. And they can’t say with any level of certainty that it wasn’t because of the Wilderness. That It didn’t hold them there and keep them safe, and follow them home and that It isn’t now hungry after being starved for 25 years. On the surface they do a pretty good job of pretending to be rational-minded, solid individuals. But you scratch that even the smallest amount and underneath they’re still free-falling, still absolutely adrift and just begging for the kind of certainty that It used to bring them.

I think this is a foreboding line. I think that IF they do go ahead and drink (I think there’s a 50/50 chance they do) that Lottie’s probably going to have the poison. I could be surprised on this, but that’s my gut instinct.

As a show that’s largely about trauma and the way that it follows you around your whole damn life, I think this framing is damn near perfect. Going through traumatic experiences - especially long, drawn out trauma, particularly while you grow up - teaches you how to live in a traumatic situation. It teaches you how to survive, how to subsist. It doesn’t teach you at all how to be healthy, how to thrive, how to be happy. Only how to not die. And it doesn’t teach you truth or stability, only what your pattern-seeking brain seems to suggest is working, and then in a life-or-death situation you just hold onto what’s working as tightly as you fucking can. You can’t evaluate it, can’t test it, you don’t have the space or the stability, you just clutch it like driftwood on the ocean.

Then, when you’re older, and you’re trying to live your life in a safer, calmer space, all you have to go on are these maladaptive behaviours and inside you’re just this scared kid forever, still clutching tight to them, because you know what it’s like to drown, and you just KNOW that the moment you let go the water’s coming back, you just KNOW it. Even when they hurt you, even when they’re actively dragging you down, killing you and causing damage to everything you care about, it’s SO hard to let go and trust that you can learn new ways to live, that you can let It go, that It won’t come looking for It’s pound of flesh.

I think that, deep down, every one of these women believed they’d find themselves back here one day. Back in this room, back in this circle, doing the sacrifice thing once more. I think that deep deep down none of them are really putting up a fight because none of them are really genuinely surprised. They never really bought that they ever got away in the first place.

#yellowjackets #long post #spoilers #s2e8 #trauma stuff #theories

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

Memories of my father follow me like ghosts

I catch a scent of him in the air and my whole being recoils in disgust as my eyes quickly scan the room for a figure that isn't there.

A certain laugh and I can hear his voice dripping with mockery. Words of the past echoing through the present. An inescapable phantom always lurking behind me.

The horrifying visions of him that plague my nights.

Memories of my father follow me like a ghost

If only that's all he were

#galactic gab #vent poem #kinda #father tw #csa implied #trauma stuff #ghosts tw #ask to tag

[starryvomit]

“invalidated”

-S

#childhood ptsd #childhood trauma #trauma victim #trauma survivor #trauma stuff #trauma survival #trauma shit #family poetry #family problems #family portrait #dysfunctional families #c ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd #actually ptsd #tw ptsd #living with ptsd #ptsd vent #invalidation #female poets #female writers #women poets #women writers #spilled ink #the tortured poets department #my writing #sisters #trauma bonding #trauma blog #inner child

[edenfenixblogs]

Had Therapy Today

Me: …so, yeah. It’s been really hard to come out of my trauma anniversary and deal with all of ✨this✨. I feel like all the C-PTSD symptoms haven’t had a chance to deflate from their flare up, so I feel like I’m being hyper vigilant and I also feel like I can’t look away. Because I have the ability to stay calm and patient and empathetic and try to educate people. I feel like I can actually help. Maybe not the whole world. But if I can reach a few people, I think I should. But I don’t know if that’s the healthy thing or if it’s making my symptoms worse.

Therapist: They aren’t symptoms.

Me: ???

Therapist: Your symptoms are those feelings of hyper vigilance and panic and fear when there is no stimulus. You are being targeted. Your community and safe havens are being attacked. You are having to defend yourself daily. You are having justified feelings of abandonment and fear.

Me: yeah???

Therapist: So that’s…a stimulus. They aren’t symptoms. You are using your coping mechanism from your pre-existing trauma to find a way through this one. It’s ok. You’re being brave. You’re helping.

Me: …oh. 🥺🥺🥺😭

#trauma stuff #oops #antisemitism #jumblr #ptsd #CPTSD #actually cptsd #not great Bob!

[eeriebpd]

Here’s some awareness on thought patterns/behaviour and what is reality for us abuse victims at the hands of family members.

We wake up everyday wishing all of this would be some sort of sick and twisted dream and that everything will be okay and we’ll feel safe around others and also safe within ourself

But no, this is reality, this is not a sick and twisted dream, and we do not feel safe in any way. Nothing is okay and will ever be okay

IT IS REALITY

We think to ourselves “Is it me?, is it my fault this happened?” “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet” “I don’t blame them for doing that, I’m pathetic”

WE BLAME OURSELVES FOR THE ABUSE WE HAVE EXPERIENCED/ STILL EXPERIENCE

A lot of us get bitter (not everyone) and we lose hope in people and shut ourselves away, building a wall between us

THIS IS BECAUSE THE ABUSE WAS AT THE HANDS OF SOMEONE WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF US AND LOVE US. WE FEEL WE CANNOT TRUST ANYONE AND HATE EVERYTHING !

For some of us, a lot of hateful and immoral thoughts occur towards that person such as “I want to hit them so bad, they make me so angry and feel so worthless” “I want to steal from them !” “ I want to make them feel so much emotional pain” “I hope they drop dead”

THIS IS BECAUSE THE ABUSE WE HAVE EXPERIENCED MAKES US HATE THAT PERSON AND WISH FOR THEM TO TASTE THEIR OWN MEDICINE !. BUT WHAT COMES WITH THAT IS ALSO HUGE GUILT FOR EVEN THINKING LIKE THAT !! WE DO NOT WANNA THINK LIKE OUR ABUSERS ! BUT WE KNOW THE TREATMENT WE GET IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL AND WE WISH FOR THEM TO FEEL OUR PAIN. WE DONT WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THEM AND WE GET SCARED THAT ONE DAY WE WILL BE ANYTHING LIKE THEM !

Some of us have nightmares of the worst graphic/traumatic situations happening, we wake up hyperventilating, crying and to put it simply.. we want to die, we can’t take it anymore.. we don’t get peace.

THIS IS BECAUSE WE DO NOT FEEL SAFE AND UNCERTAINTY LOVES TO BURY ITSELF INTO OUR HEADS AND REMIND US THAT MAYBE ONE DAY OUR NIGHTMARES WILL COME TRUE !!

We do not trust people and push people away when they are genuine people who just want to be apart of your life

THIS IS BECAUSE WE NOW QUESTION EVERYONES MOTIVES. WE HAVE BEEN DECEIVED MULTIPLE TIMES BY SOMEONE WHO WE THOUGHT WOULD TAKE CARE OF US.. SO WE THINK EVERYONE IS CAPABLE OF USING US, ABUSING US AND IS SIMPLY THERE TO RUIN OUR LIVES !! WE ARE SCARED !!

I could keep writing everything that comes to mind that I experience as well as lots of people, but what I’m trying to get at is that all of this and MORE is what a lot of abuse victim’s experience and that being abused is VERY real and our state of mind while being victims of abuse IS NOT OUR FAULT.. the abuser is to blame.

Please never think it’s your fault your head is this way, your abuser did this to you and they know that, that’s what they were aiming for, to ruin you.

#trauma #narcissistic parents #narcissistic abuse #raised by narcissists #abuse cw #emotional abuse #awareness #mental health #we are strong #please don’t give up #trauma tw #abusive family member #mentally drained #toxic thoughts #trauma stuff #trauma survival

[edoro]

one of the things that i am getting really tired of that i specifically keep seeing in survivor communities is the idea that ‘triggering’ is like, a moral judgment to cast on a thing or action or person

as if it’s not an incredibly subjective and personal concept in the first place? as if there’s a Universal Concept Of What Is Objectively Triggering For All People Under All Circumstances? as if everyone has the exact same reaction to being triggered?

(under a cut for discussion of this especially wrt communities for survivors of csa that i’m part of)

like... idk man. i saw people saying The Courage To Heal is a bad resource “because it’s insanely triggering” which like yeah it’s certainly quite old and in some respects probably very outdated and it’s not gonna work for every survivor as a resource, and it does contain quite a lot of personal accounts of abuse and trauma and issues springing from that, but what’s incredibly triggering for one person is going to feel like a glass of cool water to someone who’s been crawling for 20 miles through the desert to a different person.

or like - “my partner did this, am i allowed to be triggered (and therefore the action was objectively wrong and bad and inappropriate) or am i being too sensitive?” i see variations on this ALL the time on r/cptsd and r/adultsurvivors and like... My Guys... My Fellows... are we REALLY unable to arrive at “you’re allowed to have been triggered by it but that doesn’t necessarily mean the exact specific action was in and of itself inherently wrong and bad and your partner should feel bad for having done it”? is that seriously beyond us?

or the constant stream of “HOW could ANYONE ever LIKE (media property) (kink) (type of fiction), when it’s SO TRIGGERING?? why do people MAKE this, don’t they KNOW that some people have TRAUMA???” yes and some people with trauma are fucking starving for representations of that trauma including ones you think are bad. including ones you think are disrespectful or messy or glorifying or sexualizing or romanticizing. please. oh my god. not everyone has your exact personal emotions and your exact personal emotions are not The Only Correct Ones.

(also love to see the constant stream of “how could anyone like media involving this topic, don’t they know it’s TRIGGERING??” juxtaposed against the forty-seven daily posts that go “i was abused and now i have kinks that clearly stem from my abuse, am i evil? :(”

and then have an incredible ratio of “oh yeah same and here’s what i’m doing to conversion therapy myself out of my kinks instead of addressing the root causes of my distress and self-loathing” comments to “you’re not evil and that’s literally completely normal and extremely common and you’re probably gonna have more luck learning to understand and accept it as normal and okay than make yourself stop having those kinks, bc turns out Conversion Therapy Doesn’t Fucking Work”

wow, i almost wonder if these two phenomena are related? if perhaps treating an interest in or appreciation of anything that might trigger someone else as a sign of cruel degeneracy and thoughtlessness and Not Something Anyone With REAL Trauma Would Ever Feel might contribute to making fellow survivors feel broken and evil when their trauma responses include “be horny about it”?)

anyway idk. i’m just tired of it. i see so many posts and conversations where people are just clearly buying uncritically into the idea that triggering = objectively and self-evidently bad, and that calling something triggering is the same as calling it bad/wrong/flawed, and that deliberately making something which could be or is triggering to someone is an act of malice, and that all things should strive to be as untriggering as possible or if they MUST be triggering (which is always treated as if it has any kind of objective, fixed meaning!) then you should damn well fucking apologize for it

and i’m sick of it. it’s so stupid. it’s a completely self-absorbed and frankly infantile way of engaging with the world. maybe this is because i’ve had to grow up about it because MY biggest triggers are things like “people having sex actually irl” and “the entire field and concept of gynecology” which are completely fucking inescapable and i can’t really say that an entire field of medicine is Morally Bankrupt just because i personally had a traumatic experience relating to it as a child, and with the sex thing i could either recognize it as a Me Problem or become a fundamentalist christian and i’m too much of a weird pervert for that i guess, but like

i don’t understand where this came from, i don’t get why so many people buy into it, i don’t really understand how anyone who is capable of even the most basic critical thinking could not realize how pointless and stupid a belief it is, and i stg next time i see someone talking about media through this lens i’m going to scream

#trauma stuff #see this is why i take this shit so seriously in fandom bc like. it's not ABOUT fandom. it's about the attitude #which is getting applied TO fandom #which exists outside of fandom spaces #and causes problems there too

[angelbvn]

i hate how fast i can shut off emotions. i hate it , i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate i hate it. i don’t want to become some emotionless object.

#vent txt #vent blog #venting #abuse #trauma #trauma stuff #vent post #abuse survivor #trauma survivor #trauma awareness #actually traumagenic #abuse vent #trauma vent

[hermeticbridgetroll]

"The kids who act out are at least given time and attention. But the ones who are simply blanked out don't bother anybody and are left alone to lose their future bit by bit."

'The Body Keeps the Score' sure is coming for me & swinging that baseball bat with reckless abandon, huh?

#the body keeps the score #bessel van der kolk #trauma stuff #ouch

[the-firefly-system1]

Something I absolutely fucking hate and am still triggered by that happened today is that when I fell one of my abusers had to carry me that wouldnt have been so bad if after he put me on the couch he started touching my leg and thigh and a bit of my butt for one people touching my leg makes them spasm bad and two he had sexually abused us so that absolutely made me fucking dissociate even more than i already was

#did system #trauma vent #trauma stuff #tw sa mention