#trevor: legally i cannot say fuck

[brw]

this is ur chance to infodump abt aeon flux bc i have no idea what it is

okay. overview is. it's an animated MTV show that aired in the early to mid 90s (91–95) with very heavy inspirations from anime (the creator is korean-american i believe) and german expressionism. it runs on literally nothing but pure, hard vibes. the title character dies in every episode of the second season and only season 3 has feature length, voice-acted episodes. it has incredibly progressive discusses of gender and depictions of sexuality for its time that are nicely casual.

it follows æon flux, an assassin from the neighbouring city of monica where everyone dresses like hellfire gala (that's the comics not stranger things) patrons. what she's doing is always left ambiguous but she moves like a freak and looks like a freak and i love her so much. once she tries to backflip off a ladder and lands flat on her face and looks so embarrassed and i love her. I love her so so so much. the only other properly consistent character is trevor goodchild, her boytoy / fascist dictator boyfriend she's sometimes beating the shit out of. trevor is terrible and i love him dearly. he reminds me of the post someone made praising arcane for having sneaky, manipulative but physically weak men and aggressive, violent physical woman. that's trevor and æon all over.

the thing is. i cannot describe most of the most iconic scenes without it sounding like a porn parody of itself. and i say that will so much love but woof. there is like... this scene where æon wants eggs and goes through her fridge (the only thing other than the egg container is a cooked chicken btw) and there aren't any eggs so she looks around and finds her Trevor, who is a literal dictator war criminal, curled up into this tiny cupboard and eating raw eggs off the floor of it nude in a collar. and that scene lasts for all of 15 seconds and im still struggling to decipher it. trevor literally killed æon in the prior episode but now he's here. nude and eating her eggs uncooked and slurping them from the floor of this fucking cupboard. and this happens a lot so you can appreciate why describing the content of the episodes is difficult because i genuinely go "hey wait a minute. what the fuck" a LOT but it makes it super fun.

They made a more SFW, linearly told movie with Charlize Theron and objectively it's terrible but I'm kind of obsessed with it. The costume and set design is GORGEOUS and while he's extremely generic looking Trevor does at least seem like he would eat raw eggs nude so there's that.

anyway until season 3 all the episodes are like 5 minutes long (maybe watch the 12 minute one afterward bc the end is uh super fucking weird) and even season 3 is like 20 something minutes so. if this at all interests you. consider viewing it i have A Legal Link pinned now so i can convince more people 🫡😁😁

#asks #gaya ❇️ #æon flux #aeon flux

[treh-co]

One of my favorite treyco things is his habit of going from "oh gosh darn it goodness gracious what the heck" to "FUCKING SHIT" and back within two seconds. Like sis,,, the range

#trevor: legally i cannot say fuck #trevor five seconds later: ....... im rude now >:3 #trevor collins #rtah #achievement hunter #ghost.txt

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - The King and Queen of Hearts

The existence of this episode just baffles me, as it undermines so much of what season three was trying to accomplish. 

Summary:  Rapunzel continues to try and restore the memories of her parents, King Frederic and Queen Arianna, and hopes to use the journal of Herz Der Sonne to remind them, but they do not understand the significance. Arianna still lusts for adventure, while Frederic cannot get over his obsession of egg collecting. Rapunzel recruits her friends to try and set up the perfect date for them and while they cannot find anything in common personality wise, they share a mutual love for Rapunzel. However, King Trevor arrives with the intent to woo Arianna using an ocean crystal he found.

So What Exactly Is the History Here? 

We have no context for this sudden love triangle. All we know is that Trevor hates Frederic because he’s still in love with Arianna who wound up marrying him instead. 

But like, I don't know why Arianna married Frederic. I don’t know why Trevor is still hung up on her years later. Did she actually choose Frederic or was it an arranged marriage cause that’s what royalty did back then? Was she having an affair with Trevor this whole time but couldn’t/wouldn’t leave because of duty? Was she and Trevor pining star crossed lovers, or is Trevor just an incel? 

I know what the story wants me to assume; that Arianna deeply loves Frederic and that Trevor is just a jackass loser; but the series has done such a poor job of making Frederic likable and giving him and Arianna any sort of chemistry that I’m inclined to side with Trevor. 

For all we know, he may be trying to rescue Arianna from both her memory loss and her abusive relationship while at it. Especially now that she’s no longer needed as a ruler and has no reason to stay in Corona. 

Why Not Just Use the Potion from Rapunzel: Day One? 

While any Varian cameo is appreciated, it doesn’t add thing to the story. In fact it only raises more questions. We already had a cure for the memory loss, why aren’t we using it? 

Even if we write it off as Rapunzel no longer having that particular Saporian spellbook on hand, she still has a whole dungeon full of actual Saporians who know magic that she could gain information from! There’s also Xavier, who already knows everything under the sun about Saporian/Coronian history and magic and owns spellbooks galore. You’re telling me he just has mood potions lying around but can’t brew up a cure for memory loss? 

Then there’s also the fact that the amnesia spell doesn’t work on Rapunzel’s parents the same as it did on Rapunzel and we’re never given a reason why. Like just some basic consistence is all I ask show. 

I also can’t figure out what Varian is even trying to do here. Where’s is the science to this? What does strawberry goop and lighting have to do with memory? It’s just a cheap reference to Frankenstein and nothing more.  

We’re Already Pass Seven Months Since Rapunzel’s Return. 

Ok, I have gotten into frequent debates with people about the timeline of season three. Many a story board artist and writer on the show have came forward and stated that season three was only one year. But the very existence of this episode disproves them! 

If you remember season one, Hearts Day took place after the Goodwill Festival, but before Queen for a Day. Even when putting episodes back into their intended production order that still remains true. 

Hearts Day has to be at least seven months past Rapunzel’s birthday, if not eight months, because the Goodwill Festival is six months past and her parent’s anniversary (QfaD) is nine months past. 

Now Rapunzel’s Return has to be Rapunzel’s 20th birthday because season two was a full year, and even if you say it’s not, then that still doesn’t explain Once a Handmaiden (the Goodwill Festival) coming after this episode.  

And no you can’t move the episodes around, Once a Handmaiden has be the second to last episode of the series and Under Raps always comes after Rapunzel’s Enemy in any order you watch the series in. 

No matter how you slice it, we’re missing a birthday episode for Rapunzel and season three has to be more than a year; a year and a half at the very least, if not two full years.  

Look I’m not trying to be disrespectful of the talented artists who worked on this show, but their word isn’t law. The very fact that they’ve had to tell us the timeline after the series was over with indicates bad writing, and the very fact that the show itself contradicts them indicates either a lack of communication behind the scenes or a lack of editorial oversight. Either option is just poor management. 

We Have Yet Another Failed Narrative Promise! 

Are we seeing a pattern yet? 

This is the third time in a row where the episode flat out states that Rapunzel needs to learn something and then, just, never has her learn it; four if you count her non-apology to Varian. Instead the show rewards her for her bad behavior by just giving her want she wants on a sliver platter for no adequate reason. 

In fact, one could argue that this episode is the worst offender in the show because divorce is a real thing real kids have to go through. Children that will undoubtedly watch the series. 

How upsetting would it be to such a child to watch Rapunzel force her parents back together  with zero consequences and realize that they can’t do that in real life? It can potentially feed into misplaced delusions or make them even more bitter, either way it’s unhealthy and super irresponsible to tackle such subject matter in this way. Even Sesame Street handled the topic of divorce better than this supposedly ‘mature’ show. 

It’s a Castle! Why Can’t Frederic Get His Own Room?

Frederic is the king. He still technically owns everything even if he’s not the one still in charge. He could have his pick of any room so why is he forcing himself on Eugene? Hell he doesn’t even have to stay in the castle. As pointed out during The Return of the King review, there’s other accommodations within the kingdom that’s suited for royalty. Why not head up to that mountain retreat?  

This is a Really Bad Message 

I understand that this is meant to be a joke, because of how ridiculously over the top it is, but because the series gives Rapunzel what she wants in the end without ever having her acknowledge how she is wrong here, it winds up validating her toxic world view anyways.

Divorce is not inherently a bad thing. We should be working towards both normalizing it and promoting healthy coping mechanisms for those that go through it, adult and child alike. What Rapunzel is doing here is just repeating puritanical fearmongering. And while I can understand why she might behave in this way, I don't understand why the show refuses to call her out on it. Or any of the other million bad behaviors she displays repeatedly through out the show... like the example below for instance... 

Why Am I Suppose to Like Rapunzel Again? 

It’s like the writers don’t understand that a joke can damage a character, especially if it’s overplayed. Super sweet upbeat Rapunzel snapping because she finally met someone who was annoying or a situation she couldn’t just solve with a positive attitude was funny maybe like the first time; but we’re three seasons in and this is supposedly her closest loved ones.  

Look at them! They’re fucking terrified of her! All they did was point out that she maybe should do her job and deal with real problems instead of poking her nose into her parents business where it doesn’t belong! And this brat is now the ruler of the whole kingdom!? No one can legally stand up to her. 

Like where’s the Eugene that stood up to her in Under Raps for trying this same bullshit? Why hasn’t she learned her lesson? She also pulled this same bullying tactic on young Lance and teen Eugene two episodes. Cass left her ass, supposedly, because of her bossy thoughtless ways. And this is also the same woman who abused a child back in season one and still has never acknowledged it. 

Yes characters should be flawed, but they should also face real consequences for their actions, and if they’re a protagonist they need to learn and grow past their flaws. 

I actively started to dislike Rapunzel after this scene. I already felt something was off way back in the season three opener, but this is the point where I stopped and went “What the fuck?” She used to be my second favorite character behind Varian. I didn’t go into this wanting to hate her, even after this episode I still held out hope that they were trying to purposefully lead up to some sort of falling out with everyone and with Rapunzel having to own up to her bullshit in order to win. You know like a classic third act “the hero is now alone due to their past mistakes” type story. But Nope! 

There’s no pay off for any of this. Rapunzel is just mean for the sake of being mean in season three, and no one is aloud to call her out on it. She’s now the same type person as Frederic, a tyrant. That’s not a good development! 

She’s Literally Bullying Her Own Parents Now, and I’m Suppose to Find that Funny? 

Yes, Frederic is her abuser, and yes some people might find this scene cathartic if they hate him. But this isn’t actually calling out his past abuse. It’s just Rapunzel treating a now powerless old man with that same abuse and denying him bodily autonomy. An old man who has both less political rights and less power within the relationship than her; since due to his memory loss he is now dependent upon her. 

In the real world it’s the equivalent of picking on an Alzheimer's patient who is in your care. I don’t give a shit how much of dick they were before the illness set in, you don’t fucking do that!  

Why Should I Want Arianna and Frederic To Be a Couple? 

The show has done nothing to sell this relationship. In fact one could argue that the show is trying to purposefully sabotage it. 

Before the memory loss Frederic was proven to be abusive, to the point where even his own wife was afraid of him and wouldn’t stand up to him. Meanwhile Arianna was shown to be a shell of her former self who’d all but given up upon the things she actually enjoyed in life. And now that they both have had a second chance they have even less motive to stay together. 

Look at Arianna up there? She’s clearly not enjoying her time with him. While he doesn’t want to engage in anything that she likes. I mean a couple doesn’t have to share their interests in everything, but there still has to be some sort of connection and the series just does not give us that connection. 

There’s no reason why they should stay together. They no longer have any commitment or duty to fulfill as rulers and their daughter is fully grown. Contrary to what Rapunzel says, the kingdom isn’t going to fall apart if they separate. It actually would probably better for everyone, including Rapunzel, if they got divorced. At least then she’d have to grow up somewhat and stop being a controlling asshat.  

Why is Attila Here?

I thought Attila got a job running his own bakery and that it was Lance who became the new cook at the Snuggly Duckling? Even if you argued that Attila was just doing Rapunzel a solid that still wouldn’t explain who is running the place when Lance isn’t there. 

If you’re going to set up developments like that then you need to either stick with them or give an on screen reason for why these previous developments are no longer relevant. Flat out ignoring them like this is just lazy. 

Lance’s New Outfit is the Best Thing About the Episode, and It’s Also a Complete Waste.

Lance deserved a new outfit because the team was too lazy to give him one for season two, even during the island arc. This however is a waste because it doesn’t add anything to the narrative. People were paid to make this thing for it to only show up for a few seconds of screen time. 

This Whole Exchange Is Gross. 

Oh let me count the ways in which this is so, so stupid. 

Neither Rapunzel nor Frederic has ever proven themselves “thoughtful and responsible.” In fact both of them being irresponsible is intentionally a plot point in the main story arc.

How would either Frederic or Arianna know any of this? Not only have they lost their memories, but they didn’t raise Rapunzel themselves and those traits aren’t inherited; they are taught. 

Gushing over your grown daughter isn’t a point of connection! 

Why would anyone be compelled to kiss a practical stranger, that they previously didn’t even like, just because they both admire some woman they also barely know and happen to be related to? What is the thought process behind this? “Oh we made that? Then lets make another one!” What the fuck show? I’m ace and even I know that’s not a normal thing to get titillated over. 

The Series Turns Frederic Into a Literal Baby In a Last Ditch Effort to Make Him Likable 

The whole point behind the amnesia plot was to absolve Frederic of his past wrong doings. You can’t call out an old man with Alzheimer's for being a dictator, I suppose. (not like that’s ever stopped me from criticizing Ronald Reagan, tho)  But from there the series then takes it one step further and actually infantilizes both Frederic and Arianna, because Chris assumes that if he makes Fredric as pathetic as possible the audience won't hate him any more. Well guess what, it didn’t work. Frederic isn’t suddenly a poor woobie just because he’s useless now. That’s not how that works.  

Rapunzel Literally Physically Assaults a Person, Kidnaps Them, Threatens Them With Even More Bodily Harm, and Causes an International Incident; All Because They Asked Her Mom Out On a Date! 

You can’t hear it in the screen shots, but there’s very clearly a clanging sound to indicate that Rapunzel just wacked Trevor upside the head and knocked him out. 

Let me repeat, a Disney protagonist just committed armed assault against a guy, simply because she doesn’t respect her own mother.

What the Fuck!!!???

Arianna is fully grown woman. She is perfectly capable of making her own choices and she agreed of her own volition to go out with him. In fact she’s the one who asked Trevor if she could come along on his sea voyage. It’s not Rapunzel’s place to interfere with that. 

Secondly, Rapunzel shouldn’t get a free pass to attack people just because she’s doesn’t like them. And she most assuredly shouldn’t get to write off her cruelty as justice because she's royalty! What the hell? You just turned one of your official princesses into a literal tyrant for the sake of a joke, Disney! 

Where the fuck was the oversight on this show!? 

And to top it all off, Trevor is a ruler of a competing kingdom. This could easily have been deemed an act of war. Thankfully for everyone involved Trevor has far more sense and compassion than Rapunzel and doesn’t push the matter. 

Yes that’s right! The intentionally annoying prat and comedic antagonist is a more upstanding person than the main heroine! Let that sink in! 

Wait, If Laws Don’t Apply Out In the Ocean, Then Why Did Eugene and Max Have Jurisdiction to Arrest Lady Caine in Peril on the High Seas? 

Max shoved this same rule book into Eugene’s face when Eugene rightfully questioned if it was his job to arrest the mutineers. This book said that it was not only his job, but that he was also legally required to stop any and all ‘wrongdoing’ no matter where he was at nor whether he was on duty or not. While also failing to specify what ‘wrongdoing’ entailed. 

Now that’s very problematic and ridiculous for a whole host of reasons that I’ve already covered back in my review of Peril on the High Seas, but this scene now adds a whole new layer of stupidity to the mix. 

If zero laws apply out in open waters than yes, Eugene and Max were acting out of their jurisdiction. Not only that, but the pervious dumb rule regarding their duties is also now null and void. So, Justice For Lady Caine! 

Oh, but were not done yet, cause it gets dumber. 

If laws, including marriage don't apply, then getting married while out at sea also would not apply. Thereby rendering Trevor’s plan useless, unless they got married back in Equis. Which if they did that, it would bypass the entire pointless rule book completely because Equis is not subject to Corona’s laws anyways. 

There’s not even any ‘inter-kingdom’ laws that they would be subject too because Equis isn’t a part of the seven kingdoms. Any treaty they did previously have with Corona would be something else entirely, and Trevor would be within his rights to end such an agreement.     

Also Trevor is a king. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. Same goes for Arianna.

Ummm, No You Don’t Rapunzel

Trevor can’t marry Arianna without her agreement to it. It’s already been established that she’s physically capable of taking care of herself and she’s also mature enough to make her own decisions. If she did wind up marrying him it’d be because it’s her fucking choice to and Rapunzel has zero right to interfere with that.  

There’s no one to rescue here. Rapunzel has no reason to go chasing after her mom. All this is doing is denying a grown woman agency over her own life. Why should I or anyone, root for Rapunzel here? 

You Do Know That Arianna Has More Than Just Two Choices Here, Don't Ya Show?

Arianna doesn’t have to be in any relationship. That’s also an option. While I personally like Trevor, this shouldn’t be a choice between him or Frederic. The show should be asking what Arianna, as a character, would want for her life, instead of just shoehorning her into just being a wife for someone else. 

I still don’t know what Arianna really wants in life, but I do know that being a domestic housewife and a queen does not suit her. She doesn’t actually like being tied down with commitments and responsibilities. She’s repeatedly indicated over and over again that she feels uncomfortable in her role. 

But the show reduces her into trophy to win and turns her into a damsel in distress multiple times. Then it further neuters her so that she complacently walks back into that life over and over again for no logical reason. She’s treated not as a person but as a prop.    

Really, Arianna? Are You Really Sure About That? 

These aren’t Arianna’s words. They’re Chris’s. 

Arianna has shown zero interest in Frederic up to this point. The closest they got was during that creepy boat scene where they just jumped to almost kissing for no real reason.  While before now Arianna was making actual goo-goo eyes at Trevor earlier, before Raps stepped in and broke them up.  

They actually do have things in common and had a genuine point of connection. They even almost kissed themselves until Raps started being a dick. No forced and icky conversations about their grown children needed here folks!

While I still firmly believe Arianna should just be single, the show does far more to convince me that she and Trevor should be together more so than her and Frederic. Everything about this scene on the boat feels forced and hollow because it doesn’t ring true to what was previously established. 

This just isn’t good writing. It’s the animation equivalent of a six year old smashing their Barbie dolls faces together and shouting “now kiss!”, all because a middle aged man couldn’t get over they fact people didn’t like his self insert. 

No, wait, I apologize. That’s being mean to six year olds. They usually have more interesting plots and established characterization than this.  

Hey, Remember When the Series Villainized an Orphan For Stealing This Stupid Book? 

Yeah, stealing the book was treason and the mains ruined a child’s life over it, but apparently it just doesn’t matter any more cause no one seems to give a shit about Trevor taking it. Like, yes, as the king of another kingdom, Trevor isn’t beholden to Frederic’s bullshit, but you would think that the characters would treat this as a bigger deal than what they do, given how they responded previously to it being taken.

Unless Rapunzel was just talking out of her ass back during The Alchemist Returns. That’s also quite possible.  

This Literally Has Nothing To Do With You Rapunzel 

Just because Rapunzel herself is a woman, doesn’t mean that stealing the agency of another female character isn’t misogynist. Especially when their both written by primarily men.  

Every guy who was involved with the writing of the episode, should be fucking ashamed of themselves!!! 

So What Exactly Has Trevor Done Wrong Up To This Point? 

Yes, the story board artists and voice actors do a lot of heavy lifting here to try and make Trevor seem like a creep. Arianna’s body language and tone of voice when dealing with him here will be very familiar to a lot of women, I’m sure. I know what it’s like to have a stalker and not know how to turn them down because you’ve been trained all your life to ‘be polite and nice” to people, and I’m not unique in that regard. 

But here’s the thing, it’s not set up properly. There’s nothing backing this sudden shift in the characters’ dynamic. Up till now Trevor has been a perfect gentlemen. Sure he was over the top as always, and you could call it an act when regarding his politeness to Frederic, but he seemed to genuinely respect and admire Arianna and clearly desires genuine affection in return from her. Why would he suddenly stop behaving in a way that worked for him and start talking over her instead? 

Also why wouldn’t Arianna just tell him no to begin with if that’s what she wants? She had no trouble speaking her mind before now. But that begs the question why she wouldn’t return his feelings as well, because as stated above, she clearly showed interest in him previously. 

This is So Fucking Forced

Yeah, okay, you’re daughter has no reason to be here to begin with, disrespected your wishes, and attacked Trevor first. At this point I’d argue he has a right to retaliate. Especially since, if Rapunzel was allowed to board, you know she’d just attack him again, because she knows no other way to resolve conflicts other than to hit people very hard.  

Arianna’s actions here only make sense if she’s kept in the dark about what an awful human being her daughter really is. That’s poor writing. 

Also, having a woman just punch people while denying them actually agency and choice within the plot is not ‘girl power.’ It’s fucking misogyny!

How Does Doing the Bare Minimum, and Just Showing Basic Human Decency Count As ‘True Love’? 

What was she suppose to do? Let him drown? I mean I wouldn’t, and I despise the man. Not to mention anyone else could have done the same thing. They’re all right there. If Lance had jumped to the rescue would Trevor have proclaim them lovers too? 

Trevor Is Still the Better Man Here

Here he is rescuing Rapunzel even after she treated him like shit. 

Best. King. Period. 

This Still Doesn’t Redeem Frederic 

So through out the episode Frederic has inexpiably shown an obsession for eggs. He now collects them even though this was never an established trait before now. But whatever. He’s just been through something traumatic and looking for something to ground himself.  Far be it from me to make fun of someone else’s special interest. If you like to collet eggs than good for you. Go live your life to fullest. 

That’s more respectful than how the show handles it, as everyone dismiss his interest and it’s treated like a joke through out the episode. Only to have said obsession save the day. But this isn’t here to teach the others about respecting other people’s hobbies, oh no, it’s here to try and give Frederic a big hero moment so you’ll cheer for him. 

Except one nice thing does not erase his past actions! I don’t care what your hobby is, if you deliberately try to cause grievous harm to people you’re and asshole! And you will continue to be an asshole until you can admit what you’ve done wrong and try your best to make up for it. 

I Hope You Made Back Up Copies of The Tunnel Maps 

A bunch of people are more upset over this development than I am, because it is a historical artifact and preserving the past is important. But the only story function the book held was a map to the tunnels, and said tunnels were never utilized properly through out the entire show. 

To this day people still don’t understand that they’re meant connect the island to Old Corona or that Herz Der Sonne is the one who built them into order to invade Saporia because the show is so bad at its world building. And come season three, they’re all but irrelevant anyways. Such a wasted concept. 

Once Again the Whole ‘Memory Loss’ Subplot Is a Copout 

Ok that’s not how the spell worked previously, but that’s not what I’m taking issue with here. 

If the whole point behind the amnesia plot twist was to sweep Frederic’s awfulness under the rug, then I expect his past actions to be addressed once he’s regained his memories. They are not. 

This episodes reverses the very thing that the season was trying to achieve and just hopes the audience is too stupid/attention deficient to notice. Well guess what, we noticed and we’re far smarter than you Chris. 

Conclusion

I don’t understand the point of this episode. It shoots everything season three is trying to do in the foot. It screws up the timeline, makes Rapunzel even more of an irredeemable dickhead while preventing her from learning yet another needed lesson, undermines Arianna as a character once again, and it puts Frederic back in the crosshairs of the audience’s scrutiny. 

Oh and look, it’s written by the same guy who wrote Rapunzel’s Return. Why am I not surprised.  

Anyways another one down and only 15 more to go. You can support my continued marathon by dropping a tip in my ko-fi if you wish. I’m currently back to job hunting yet again and anything you can give is appreciated. 

https://ko-fi.com/rachelbethhines

#Rapunzel #rapunzel's tangled adventure #anti-tangled #anti-rapunzel #ferderic #arianna #tangled #tangled the series

[penguin-writes-books]

things i want from jatp s2 (an abridged list)

alex and reggie’s parents

alex’s sister (we all know he has one)

luke has to wear sleeves for some reason

please god just give me ray saying rose’s name/verbally confirming that she’s julie’s mom

CONFIRMATION THAT JULIE SINGING ‘WAKE UP’ FULFILLED ROSE’S UNFINISHED BUSINESS, HENCE THE GOLD/YELLOW GLOW

carrie redemption arc

carrie redemption arc

nick character development

nick danforth-evans

all kinds of canon sexualities

bi julie and reggie and nick

lesbian carrie

pan ace luke

pan flynn

just give me all of it

more carlos content

ray meets the guys

nick can see the guys after the Caleb Incident

he’s ridiculous about it

‘you can see us?!’

*covers eyes* no

please kenny,,, willex forehead touch,,,

willex rain kiss,,,,,

willex hug but happy

parallel to the goodbye hug but an ‘i can’t believe you’re okay’ hug

alex breaks willie’s curse/soul entrapment

1) he could just kiss him/ tell him he loves him/ pull a julie

2) he could outsmart caleb

in this scenario caleb’s like ‘we’ll play a game for his soul’ and alex is like ‘can i pick the game?’ ‘well i guess so’ 

and he picks either Twister or Campaign for North Africa

BETTER CHOREO

goddamn paul becker cannot pick a genre to save his life

perfect harmony is unstructured tango meets russian dancing meets a Mess

dirty candi’s numbers are all just my little pony meets cell block tango

a full-on hadestown scene at the club

willie as eurydice, alex as orpheus, caleb as hades, and the glitzy flapper/burlesque dancers (seriously becker pick a fucking style and stick to it) as the three muses who like try to pull the guys into the club

flynn/carrie (:

alex finding his sister

reggie gets a cat

after ray meets the guys,,,

the guys babysitting carlos

alex is a dancer

when he was little his sister did ballet and he wanted to dance too

his dad was a dick about it at first 

but his mom was like

‘you know there is a sibling discount’

julie gets to be more of a main character

dirty candi continues to hit different

more old sunset curve songs

someone punches caleb in the face

by someone i mean julie

julie punches caleb in the face

willex perfect harmony reprise

bobby/trevor (is his legal name trevor or is it a stage name?) sad reprise of all eyes on me

just a bobby storyline

more unsaid emily style flashbacks 

specifically an alex song about his family/past

a really well formed love triangle with julie, luke, and another female love interest for julie

i love juke but god i want wlw julie

family backgrounds/siblings for more characters

wrightforth

@localspacelesbian is the only one who’s gonna really get that but it’s important to me

more absolute bangers

#julie and the phantoms #julie molina #bobby julie and the phantoms #alex julie and the phantoms #reggie julie and the phantoms #Alex Mercer #Reggie Peters #luke patterson #juke #Willex #willie julie and the phantoms #flynn julie and the phantoms #Carrie Wilson #bobby trevor wilson #caleb covington #nick danforth evans #carlos molina

[witchofthemidlands]

Sleep Deprived Posts

Sinister AU Headcanons

So I don’t particularly like the guy due to his dumbassary & complete disregard for his family’s saftey, but as I’ve been lying on the floor & staring up at the ceiling, I’ve been thinking about how Sinister 2 would’ve turned out if Oswalt had lived.

Warning: I’ve been awake for nearly forty eight hours this is the product of that insanity. I think way too much about 2 absolutely terrifying horror films.

I mean. Let’s imagine Oswalt didn’t drink the poison & either caught on to what his daughter was doing & broke the camera or something like that. Bughuul burnt her like he did Zack or took her regardless & the house got set on fire.

First off his wife would’ve divorced his dumbass. That’s a given, sure she loved him dearly because she never followed through with the ultimatum she gave him legit ten minutes into the film. Yet after losing a child in a ‘house fire’ all that equals in the final straw.

She leaves him & takes Trevor with her.

It’s Oswalt so he wallows & drinks the days away for awhile until a ray of sunshine appears in the form of his Deputy So & So.

I say ray of sunshine, but he’s probably forced into it because of legal issues that came with Oswalt’s house burning down.

They back each other up & the whole incident is chalked up to be a tragic accident.

Deputy So & So is still fired because of the whole ‘giving Oswalt case information’ issue.

It’s a shaky start between the two, but Oswalt flat out tells him everything (fucking finally) & whilst the Deputy is a little spooked he’s also kinda like ‘well this may as well just happen’ & goes along with it.

There’s a part of the Deputy that is a little disturbed by the whole ‘Oswalt watched all those murder tapes alone for days/weeks? (I don’t know how long time lasted in that film for) yet he likes Oswalt & tries to look past that.

Both come to the conclusion that what happened to all those poor families cannot happen again & that seeing as they seem to be the only two guys in the know, they figure it’s up to them to defeat Bughuul.

They start the PI business together.

It’s the perfect job for Oswalt. He has no intention of returning to writing true crime, but he probably would contemplate writing about his & the Deputy’s experiences because is it technically true crime writing if it’s a supernatural deity involved.

Their apartment/office looks like a crime scene with all their Bughuul evidence plastered everywhere.

Neither are particularly tidy people so it just kinda looks like a bomb site.

Deputy So & So & Oswalt take it in turns when it comes to burning down the Bughuul houses.

Oswalt enjoys it more than he should, because it’s like saying a big ‘fuck you’ to Bughuul.

They’re the literal bane of Bughuul’s existence & Bughuul visits them when it’s feeling particularly pissed off by their attempted Bughuulbusting antics.

More often than not, Bughuul’s visits are at night when Deputy is asleep in bed & Oswalt is dozing in a couch/chair. (you can’t tell me that bitch wouldn’t sleep in a chair & be perfectly content with it, he’s a writer)

Oswalt: ‘can you punch a ghost’

Deputy So & So: ‘hmm I don’t know, I don’t think I’d recommend it though.’

Even after being in the Bughuulbusting business together for a while, Deputy So & So always calls him ‘Mr. Oswalt.’ & Oswalt always calls him Deputy So & So

Somehow their friendship works.

When they finally meet Courtney it’s even more of a disaster than canon.

It’s the Deputy’s turn to set the building on fire & of course he stops dead in his tracks when he sees Courtney’s son. Oswalt recommends starting the fire & running for it.

Neither know what to do when Courtney starts screaming at them for something they’re pretty sure they haven’t not done, even if they were about to burn her supposed to be empty house down.

Oswalt wants to start the fire anyway & envisions throwing Deputy into said fire when he asks Courtney for coffee.

Oswalt just despairing at Deputy So & So when it comes to Courtney in general. Giving him the biggest eyes rolls known to man & god.

Going into the haunted church together.

Courtney & The Deputy being annoyingly adorable & Oswalt being like ‘the gasoline is in the car it would be so easy...’

Oswalt’s in his element in the church. ‘Can you imagine a book revolving around...’

Deputy So & So: (here we go again) plz don’t write about the crime scenes we visit. I don’t want to find the tapes of the murder that happened here in our office one day.

Ellison ‘I killed a scorpion’ Oswalt is down to kill whatever insect that’s under that mental dish.

They try to guess what’s underneath it first because Deputy ‘snakes don’t have feet’ So & So is like that.

Rats have feet.

Bughuul & squad do their thing & Ellison ‘can I punch an ancient deity’ Oswalt flips his shit after seeing the ghost kids & is running around the church after like ‘Come at me bitch i will kick your ass. I’ll kick anyone’s ass’

Despite not being that fond of Courtney, Oswalt kinda bonds with her what with him being a parent himself.

They talk about how he let his wife have full custody of Trevor & how he’s certain it was for the best & Oswalt is always asking her if they’re told her anything weird.

With the knowledge that the kids get fucked over by Bughuul being a thing with Oswalt being there, their only question is how does Bughuul get to them, which makes Oswalt immediately suspicious of both Zack & Dylan.

Deputy So & So: No, I don’t think it’s wise to interrogate a couple of kids.

Oswalt is immediately convinced that it’s Dylan who’s gonna team up with Bughuul when he talks about the ‘nightmares’.

However, Oswalt wants to fight Courtney’s ex. When Deputy is giving that extremely badass speech to the officers that show up, he’s basically being held back from beating the shit outta that arsehole.

He gets his chance to get a punch in later when that piece of shit tries to kill his Deputy So & So. (Bughuul has rights for killing that son of a bitch)

Dinner with Courtney & her boys would be interesting because Courtney & Deputy So & So are making eyes at each other when they think no ones looking & Oswalt is just like ‘seriously, right in front of my salad?’

When Deputy agrees to stay the night, he gets the mother of all eye rolls from Oswalt & ‘What happened to your ‘I wouldn’t sleep one night in this place, are you nuts’ attitude.

Deputy So & So (with an all big wide innocent eyed look): they don’t feel safe. This is kinda our job, right?

Oswalt: This is going to end badly.

Oswalt wishing he was back living in his haunted murder house again when he’s woken up by the sound of a very drunk Deputy & Courtney doing their thing in the kitchen.

Not saying a word to each other on the drive to the professor. There’s a few sarcastic remarks from Oswalt & a whole ass roasting of the Deputy’s flirt game that makes him want to yeet himself into Bughuul’s realm.

Oswalt takes the nearest heavy object he can find & destroys that ham radio the second it starts repeating their words back to them in the office. (I stand by my theory that that other professor went missing to & that’s how Bughuul got the radio back because he didn’t destroy it in time)

It kinda fucks with Oswalt when he inevitably finds out that the kids watch the tapes. Like his daughter must have watched the tapes & that’s why the projector kept going off & Trevor’s night terrors were either because he walked in on her watching the tapes or the ghost squad was scaring the shit out of him. He probably gives his son a call & feels even more guilty than before (like he should)

Patching each other up after attacks & when that arsehole beats up the Deputy.

Sure, he’s the ultimate disaster human & The Deputy is normally the one keeping him in line, but being the older of the two (he looks the older of the two I wouldn’t know he just gives an older dude vibe) Oswalt does try to look out for the Deputy, not that he cares that much, but he wouldn’t want anything to happen to him.

They get on Bughuul’s last nerve & are a pain in it’s ass.

They look out for each other & it’s the most unconventional but at the same time strangely awesome bromance ever.

At the end of the day though, Deputy So & So & Ellison Oswalt are on Bughuul’s shitlist.

#ellison oswalt #deputy so and so #sinister #headcanons #ignore me #i have insomnia #i am insane #forgive me #kat’s thoughts 🍄 #creative writing #bughuul #ethan hawke

[kob131]

https://www.oneangrygamer.net/2020/04/cook-serve-delicious-3-update-includes-gay-and-trans-pride-flags/106835/

David Galindo, the developer behind Cook, Serve, Delicious 3?! announced that the game’s latest update was designed to include trans flags and pride flags for the LGBTQIA+ community. This yet another game aimed at kids including propaganda to further push the gay agenda into your home.

“Propaganda” 

Noun

information, especially of a biased or misleading nature, used to promote or publicize a particular political cause or point of view.

-the dissemination of propaganda as a political strategy.

There is no info presented thus, it CANNOT BE PROPAGANDA.

You on the other hand...

Galindo made the tweet on March 31st, 2020, looking to virtue signal in hopes of gaining viral attention on social media.

Proof? ... No? Cool, so that person over there claiming every depiction of straight people in media is propaganda should also be considered right since we’re listening to baseless statements right?

This is similar to when VoidPoint and 3D Realms donated money to an LGBTQIA+ organization as remittance for offending ResetEra with the hidden jokes they had in Ion Fury.

Bullshit pseudo-news quoting itself hoping you don’t look at the origin of the link.

Take a shot.

This is similar to when Matt Makes Games updated Celeste to include the trans flags, indicating that they support youth transitioning, a sick and twisted agenda being pushed by the Rainbow Reich.

In other news, The Mary Sue reports that all men must remove their dicks with rusty knives or they will mutate every night into rape machines.

This is what you sound like to me.

The idea is that if you can convince people to transition their kids, then the next step will be to convince people that hebephelia should be legalized so long as minors give their consent, and then after that it’s going to be pedophilia getting legalized so long as minors give their consent.

The first and second things have NO correlation, let alone with the third.

It’s a chisel that etches away at the statue of morality, with the erosion of each block being met with cheers by the purveyors of degeneracy for the Poofer Prefects… better known as Centrists™ .

Demonizing centrists because they don’t just mindlessly consume whatever biased bullshit is in front of them.

Take two here.

Transitioning is not a fucking moral conundrum and no sane person is gonna actually transition their kids. And if they do, they’ll pay for it when they rot away in a nursing home somewhere because they fucked up their kid.

Anyone who speaks out against the invasion of this culturally erosive agenda are shouted down by said Centrists™, even while drag queen story time continues to expand.

They say as the boogeyman in their heads also venhemetly hate centrists while centrists usually hate BOTH of them.

Number four.

Heck, even lawmakers are being drowned out by the degenerates even when all they’ve asked for is for parents to have a say in whether they want their kids exposed to sexual deviancy, as reported by The Daily Signal.

Checked the source, all it really cites is a tweet (https://twitter.com/BenBakerMO/status/1220354131124088832) and the just trucks along pretending anyone gives a shit about their unsubstainated claims.

We’re seeing the aberrant lifestyles promoted in kids’ shows such as Clifford The Big Red Dog, Adventure Time, and Young Justice, as well as gay weddings appearing in children media such as Steven Universe, Voltron, and Arthur.

None of the cartoons or kid shows admit that LGBTQIA+ lifestyles come with higher substance and drug abuse compared to heterosexuals, as outlined in a study by by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health.

None of them cover how lesbians and gays also have higher rates of domestic abuse than heterosexuals, as reported by the HOSB, and

None of them discuss how lesbians in particular are involved in more spousal abuse than heterosexuals, as reported and the NCADV.

They completely avoid mentioning gay men have higher percentages of contracting and spreading sexually transmitted diseases, as detailed in a CDC report.

And LGBTQIA+ suicide rates are much higher than heterosexuals due to shame and depression caused from fighting against their own biological standards, as outlined in a litany of resources on The Trevor Project.

Already addressed this but these studies are being manipulated to oversimplify things or even go AGAINST what they are meant to do.

Nevertheless, we’re seeing the promotion of LGBTQIA+ content more and more in kids media, with companies attempting to force people to believe it’s “normal behavior”, despite the fact that gays and lesbians only make up 1.6% of the U.S., population, as reported by Time Magazine. That means it’s not “normal” behavior, it’s aberrant behavior.

Cool.

Most living creatures on planet earth do not think or act like human beings. Therefore, we are aberrant behavior As was the freedom of slaves, the equality of women and the rights of the people over the king. Aberrant means ‘deviantion from an accepted standard’ you dumbass: it does not mean anything negative,

Even rappers noticed the abundance of gay material in cartoons and kid shows, as discussed in the clip below from Vlad TV.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QC6oxBLXtkU

And a certain youtuber noted that women tend to be ‘trophies’ for women, what’s your point other than ‘eat my bias’?

So why is such a small portion of the demographic gaining so much attention?

Cultural shift due to equal rights.

To normalize the behavior. To force acceptance of said behavior, lest you be castigated by the Craphole Communists that control social media.

Doesn’t Twitter have a fuckton of Nazis on it’s platform?

Also, what is your opposition? Replace ‘Craphole Communists that control social media’ to ‘Craphole Neanderthals who wish they control social media’: you’re both the same damn movement, just with tiny differences.

They use cultivation theory to continually pepper people with iconography (i.e., flags in games like A Hat In Time) and social inculcation (i.e., LGBTQIA+ references in games like Animal Crossing), and censorship for anyone who speaks out against it (viz., behavioral control via Big Tech, which is what happened to Meghan Murphy, as reported by The Federalist).

Yeah, unlike you, someone who has lied repeatedly and tried to trick people into gobbling up biased sources.

The idea is forced normalization, and more and more people are being brainwashed into accepting it.

While your idea is forced demonization, trying to play to people’s fears and worries to brainwash them.

You’re just pissy you lack the power to censor people.

There is some hope, though.

When Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon tried convincing parents that the lifestyle was a-okay for kids via social media posts, parents fired back and criticized both companies for trying to foist sexual content onto kids.

Thank god I’m drinking beer for these shots.

Expect the Centrists™ to run to the defense of said propaganda, as they always do. Just like a decade or two from now you’ll see them condemning anyone who isn’t okay with MAPs and legalized pedophilia.

You say as I bet if I were to bring up the Catholic Church’s protection of pedophiles, you’d go into a fit because you perceive the church as ‘on your side.’

You have no identity or purpose outside of opposing a certain group. And when that happens, you basically BECOME that group because you have no morals or standards other than ‘Oppose X’.

Fuck off, you’re making the COmmunists look right.

[backofthebookshelf]

105 Hill Top Road: What the Fuck

(Relevant episodes: 008, 019, 043, 055, 056, 059, 067, 078, 089, 114, 130, 134, 139)

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious at this point that Anya Villette came from another reality, right? The timeline's different but the Powers are the same. At least one of them, with that spidery tree. She goes into the house in one reality and wakes up in another one, where all her friends tell her, "oh yeah, when shit like that happens to you, you go to the Magnus Institute," and she says, "the what now?" And there's this building in Chelsea that wasn't there before and they take her statement and then she...what? Does she disappear? Do the spiders get her? Or does she just not have a legal identity in this reality so that's why they can't find her?

(Did Gertrude actually read this statement? She's probably busy as hell in 2009, she's been working on rituals, Mary Keay has just turned herself into a book, Leitner's running around in the tunnels. And she was skeptical of Dekker's theories; would she be as skeptical of something like this? Presumably she read Vanderstock's statement, she would have wanted to know, and he mentioned the "scar in reality" but would she have believed it? Would she have considered it worth following up on, even without the spiders doubtless doing all they can to keep people from paying attention?)

Vanderstock mentions "other Powers" at work at Hill Top Road, but the only one I can identify besides the Web and the Desolation is the Spiral, and that only vaguely: Ivo Lensik and Father Burroughs were both Spiral-adjacent. And I wonder about that table, too; everything about it seems Spiral-like, except for the fact that it is used to trap a Stranger creature. Granted I can make a case for hypnosis being related to spiders, but still.

Still no idea what actually happened there, of course. Agnes would have been fully grown (26, per her death certificate) by around 1980, assuming she ages normally, which is kind of a big assumption. (139 makes it sound like it took her twenty years to be eleven years old, but that might be me misinterpreting.) Vanderstock makes a reference to Gertrude doing something that delayed their ritual preparations just after Jude Perry joined; not sure whether that's when she first met them in '89 or when she "completed her transformation" in '91, but let's average the difference and call it sometime around 1990. But the house at Hill Top Road burned in 1974, so whatever was happening there happened well before they'd given up on their ritual.

(Besides, it really sounded like the Last Feast was the first ritual Gertrude had successfully and intentionally disrupted. So either she did this accidentally or it was something else. But why assume it was her, otherwise? In 2008 Mary makes a snide comment about Gertrude not getting out and doing much herself, which is hilarious because she disrupted at least two rituals in 2008, but it does indicate that she's at least not seen as someone who gets involved. But that's almost twenty years later; maybe she used to get out more? Maybe the Eye had a particular interest in something? We've got a few statements from the 90s but mostly 1996 and later; we've got exactly one statement from the 80s and it's Tucked In. Anyway. This is (probably) a distraction.) (Interestingly Jon only comments on Agnes's death, not on whatever happened in the early 90s, which makes me wonder if it wasn't Gertrude at all but the spiders themselves. But Vanderstock is so sure it was her.)

I can't find anything in other statements that tells us much of anything aside from one thing: the Institute got a new Head in 1973, a year before the house burned. It might be nothing, but if the Web and the Eye are as closely aligned as we keep speculating they are, it might be something. (This was Elias's predecessor, James Wright, about whom we know nothing at all.) There is a really annoying lack of statements from the 80s and early 90s; we have virtually no idea what was going on in the supernatural ecosystem at that time. Would those be the statements on tape that were found with Gertrude's body, perhaps? What did happen to all of those? Two or three boxes of tapes is a lot of statements.

But back to the point, what was happening at Hill Top Road? It was owned by the Fieldings from the 1800s, which makes me think it's been a Web stronghold that long. (I'd love to know if Walter Fielding knew Smirke or Magnus or anyone else in their circle.) By the sixties Raymond Fielding was using it to harvest...victims? Hosts? What did happen to the kids Ronald Sinclair saw in the basement, who had been turned into spider egg sacs? Were they just there to feed the baby spiders, or were they turning into spider-Jaegers like the one Trevor Herbert met in 2009? (Daisy told Basira her first sectioned case was something to do with spider husks but we never got any other details. That would've been the latter half of 2002. We got no other details but I'd be interested to know where it was. HEY JON TALK TO YOUR COWORKERS.)

So okay, 105 Hill Top Road is a spider factory, cool. Then Agnes shows up. Two-three months later she saves a guy from getting et by Raymond Fielding for no apparent reason, that's nice of her. (Agnes likes cute boys confirmed.) And it seems like she stops him from taking in more kids, because they say the number of kids at the house dwindles until it's just Agnes left, and then Raymond disappears. It's "years" that Agnes lives in the house alone and mostly never leaves, though pets go missing from the neighborhood, before, in 1974, a five-year-old goes missing. A week later the house burns down and in it they find only Raymond Fielding's skeleton, sans right hand. So that sounds like Fielding was feeding on the kids, and catching smaller prey after he didn't have them any more, and when he worked back up to kids again Agnes caught him and stopped him. But it had to be more than that, because this is the fight Vanderstock describes as creating "a scar in reality," and which tied Agnes to the location. The fact that she kept Fielding's hand worried Arthur Nolan, which yeah, that would worry me too, but I'm not an avatar of destruction created by an evil cult, so I have to assume it was for some reason other than "eew."

(I also have to wonder exactly what their ritual required, other than Agnes herself, because there's a long time between 1974 and 1990. But.)

Then, in 2006, the house is being rebuilt and Ivo Lensik is working on it evenings and weekends, and who shows up at the door but Raymond Fielding, in an old-fashioned coat and looking "like something out of an old Polaroid," showing off the deed to the house and poking around. This show doesn't really go in for ghosts, and besides he was an avatar or something, so I'm gonna go with "alternate universe Ray Fielding," I guess. Who then...gets burned to a crisp after being inside the (new) house for two minutes? There's a smell of burning and a scorch mark on the floor. This freaks out Lensik so bad he falls and hits his head and also worries that he's getting schizophrenia (which his father apparently had, except schizophrenia doesn't work like that, that was definitely Michael) and he goes to the hospital, where a local nurse apparently likes suggesting exorcisms to people.

(There's no indication that anyone from the Lightless Flame noticed AU!Ray, so I'm assuming for now he was destroyed/banished/yeeted back to his own reality by whatever latent Desolation power is attached to the place.)

So one night the exorcist shows up and while he's waiting outside Ivo Lensik just. Snaps. He cannot handle that tree. That tree is looking at him and he doesn't like it. He takes a crowbar to it and it bleeds; he chains it to his truck and pulls it down. At this point Agnes, who's out with Jack Barnabas being blessedly normal for a change, spasms like something hurt her and makes a panicked phone call, and then Arthur and Diego and everybody show up at her flat with an unlit lantern, a bag of candles, and a jar of tiny spiders, and then she asks them to kill her. Vanderstock puts it down to Jack Barnabas, but in Barnabas's own statement it's very clear that the tree comes down, she calls in a panic, they meet her at her flat, and then she kisses him and he's in the hospital for three days. (I'm not saying her attachment to him didn't ruin the ritual, that's probably why she made whatever decision she did, but the tree was an inciting incident.)

(At the same time the tree is coming down, too, Father Burroughs is inside the house feeling like he's burning alive, and the Spiral is speaking through him insisting that he's already been claimed and the Desolation just doesn't care. It doesn't stop until the tree comes down outside. There's also no indication that any Desolation avatars noticed this.)

Under the tree is a six-inch-square box covered in twisting lines and there's a whole OTHER thing, because that box belongs in the center of the table that trapped the not!Them, and how did it get from here to there? How did it escape the fire that burned down the original house? (Graham had it in 2005. Dekker had it in 2001. No clue where it went between 2005 and when it shows up at the Institute in 2015.) And what was the purpose of it when Fielding used it, had the kids sit around it every Sunday dinner? Did he bury the box, with an apple inside, to protect himself from Agnes? Is that why pulling down the tree hurt her? (In Anya Villette's statement the tree is heavily spider-identified, to the point where she refers to it interchangeably as "branches" and "arms," of which it has eight, but in Ivo Lensik's statement he notices that it was heavily burned at the base. Was it attacked by the Desolation? In which case why did pulling it down hurt Agnes? Was she, in fact, tied to the tree itself? In which case, given the importance of the tree in the alternate reality, is there an alternate Agnes out there? Maybe one where she got to go on dates with cute boys instead of having to either die or burn down the world?)

AND. As more than one of us have pointed out by now, in 114, Jon says:

I’ve half a mind to just go down and have a look at it myself, but… I don’t know. Ever since it first came up I’ve felt like it would be… just a very bad idea.

And then Tim walks in and he and we forget all about it, but doesn't that sound like spidery manipulation to you? It does to me. So whatever Agnes and the Desolation did at Hill Top Road, it had a lasting effect (both in terms of leaving some remnant of the Desolation there and in the side effect of the...apparent dimensional portal?...) but the spiders do still seem to hold a lot of sway there as well.

What this has to do with anything I wish I knew, but I will say that 114 was the first thing I thought of after Garland Hillier's "la porte est la porte," which also sounds a lot like "all the doors are open now" from The Bifrost Incident (which is probably an entirely different continuity and has nothing to do with this other than ~themes~ but you know), but now that we've been talking a lot about the Powers as places I'm not so sure that means anything other than poor Hillier managed to walk into the domain of the Extinction and found his way out again for a while. But if the Powers are places, does that imply that Anya Villette came from one of them, or that there are other mostly-normal universes that haven't been taken over by the Powers? And if they exist...well. What does that imply about saving our universe from them, or losing it to them? (By "our" I mean "Jon and Martin's universe," obviously, "our" universe is another one entirely. I hope.)

tl;dr (TOO LATE): I have absolutely no idea what was or is happening at Hill Top Road but I’m pretty sure the spiders don’t want anyone poking around and also someone should go poke around there immediately, unless that's what Martin is doing right now, Martin stop, go back and get your boyfriend, he's freaking out

#the magnus archives #tma spoilers #it's a meta party #you bet i just spent three and a half hours writing that #i'm so interested in hill top road #(road trip to oxford????) #very long i'm so sorry so much has happened and none of it makes sense

[entamewitchlulu]

Homura’s Flash Reviews [February 2019]

This will be my first review post for 2019!!  I’m watching winter anime currently which I won’t be reviewing til the season is over, but for those who are interested, here’s what I’m watching for winter!

The Price of Smiles

Ace Attorney

Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka

The Promised Neverland

Mysteria Friends

I’m also gonna be adding a few other things to these Flash Reviews and also review the movies I’ve seen during the month, just cause I rly like having opinions lol.  So without further ado, here are the anime, shows, and movies that I saw this February and January!

Castlevania

Not technically an anime in anything other than style, Castlevania is the animated adaptation of the third Castlevania game, following the adventures of Trevor Belmont, the last of his vampire hunting legacy, Sypha, a nomadic magician, and Alucard Tepes, the son of Dracula and his human wife who was killed by the church, and their struggles to take down Dracula before he wipes out all of humanity.

I don’t know much about Castlevania the games, as they really aren’t my genre, but this adaptation was incredible!!  Proof that video game adaptations can and should strive for greater heights!  The dialogue was funny and witty, the characters were interesting and even the villains were endearing, and there was this incredibly crafted atmosphere of both sadness and hope.  Not to mention, the animation was top notch.  Plus, I have to give it credit for finally letting characters say “fuck” realistically.

overall: 9/10

Futari wa Pretty Cure

The very first, original start of the popular magical girl franchise, Pretty Cure chronicles the tale of Nagisa and Honoka, two very different girls who are brought together when they are chosen to become Pretty Cure, the legendary warriors who will defend light from the darkness!  Together with their mascot friends Mepple and Mipple, and juggling their real lives along with their supernatural battles, Cure Black and Cure White will do whatever it takes to protect the world from evil!

I’ve intended to watch Pretty Cure for literally years now, and no one could agree with where I should start, so I decided to just do what I usually do and watch from the beginning.  I’ve only seen the first season of Pretty Cure and not the Max Heart sequel yet.  Overall, it was about what I expected!  I’m a bit of a sucker for the traditional 2000s magical girl genre, with its repetitive formulas, catchphrases, poses, and the usual five episode plots that every single one of them has.  The designs were super cute and I love how Black and White look so distinct and yet are still clearly a team.  Pollun especially is super adorable!!

Definitely I can see why Pretty Cure became such of a behemoth in the magical girl genre today; it has staying power.  This season was definitely full of a lot of generic magical girl filler, and I will be honest that I started to lose steam for it towards the end, plus the villains were not at all endearing or interesting (like, Poisonny and Regine are both very pretty, and Kiriya was okay, but other than that, no one stands out), but it was still a great and adorable experience that I’m glad I experienced.  I’m not sure when I’ll get to the next series, but I’m sure it won’t be long!

overall: 7/10

Incredibles 2

I took my sweet time going to see this sequel, but here we are.  In the anticipated sequel to the original Incredibles, the family faces new challenges as Elastigirl is scouted by a CEO to help make superheroes legal again, while Mr. Incredible has to learn the challenges of taking care of the family by himself.

 I guess overall it was a good movie and well made for its intended audience.  The animation was pretty good and I usually like their cartoony anatomy designs which are more concerned with a comic-book-esque aesthetic rather than proper anatomy and perfect realism.  Definitely the quality has soared since the first Incredibles.  For me personally though...as much as it was entertaining, in hindsight I don’t think it was really made for me.  There were a lot of plot threads that didn’t seem to get resolved or even addressed.  Bob never fully confronts his jealousy for Helen’s new job, and is never quite confronted about the fact that he hid Jack Jack’s powers from Helen either.  The new superheroes were...honestly not my favorite designs in the world outside of Void, and I felt like their only purpose was to become fight fodder for the final battle, which could have been done with almost any other means.  For as long as the movie was, it felt like a lot of the threads were simply not deeply solved, and only shallowly addressed.  As this is a movie for kids, though, I can look past that; this wasn’t the story for a hugely deep look at things.  It did affect my personal enjoyment, though, but it was still a greatly fun movie to watch.

overall: 7/10

Dragon Ball Super: Broly

Finally coming for the canon after a couple of decades, DBS Broly brings the legendary super Saiyan Broly into the main cast.  When the young Broly is sent away from Planet Vegeta for being too overwhelmingly powerful, he and his father are stranded on a barren planet for forty years, until they are found by some of Frieza’s soldiers and brought into the Frieza Force.  Frieza immediately pits the super powerful Broly up against our heroes Goku and Vegeta, who must pull out every trick in the book in order to stop him from destroying the planet in his growing rage.

I never ever thought I would say this about anything relating to Broly, but GODDAMN that might have been the best Dragon Ball media in years.  Let’s get this part straight: I’ve disliked Broly since he first appeared in the DB movies.  He was boring, had a ridiculous backstory, and was just there to be a Gary Stu to really push Goku and Vegeta to their limits.  But this movie??? This movie singlehandedly shot Broly to my top ten characters in Dragon Ball.  He is endearing, gentle, a recovering abuse victim with a rage he cannot control, and his strength is more dangerous to himself than to those around him.  In TFS’ review of the movie, they made a great point: the real stakes of his movie aren’t whether Broly is going to destroy the planet; they’re whether Broly himself is going to be okay.  I’m focusing a lot on Broly, but Goku and Vegeta are in top form in his movie as well.  It’s great getting to see Vegeta have a massive fight where he isn’t immediately jobbed for Goku’s sake, and Goku himself is at the top of his game as the fun-loving, battle-crazed but still sympathetic hero that he should always be written as.  Not to mention our new additions to the main cast in Cheelai and Lemo, two of Frieza’s soldiers who found and ended up befriending Broly, who are equally endearing and fun especially in their dynamics with Broly himself.  

All in all, this was a fucking excellent movie, and the first DB media that I can imagine wanting to rewatch!

overall: 10/10

Fireworks

When Nazuna is about to move away, she asks Norimichi to come with her to the fireworks, though she plans instead to run away.  When this doesn’t work according to plan, Norimichi finds that a strangle marble belonging to Nazuna has the power to turn back the clock, giving them a second chance to be together.  However, with each reset, they move further and further away from reality -- can they return to a world where they’re able to spend at least one day with each other?

This is pretty much, in a nutshell, everything I love about anime movies.  It’s beautiful, fluid, full of amazing music, and the emotions hit so close to home.  While the story itself doesn’t explain much, it really doesn’t have to -- the surrealism of the surrounding world sells it more than any exposition would, proving you don’t need to slow down your story to explain something as long as you can make people feel something for it.  Despite having so little to know about both Norimichi and Nazuna, I was still more than sold by their romance. And once again, the surrealism of the animation and the story are something that only anime can pull off.  You just can’t do stories like this live action.

The only thing that really dragged this story down were some of the CGI bits, which I found unnecessary and weird against the otherwise gorgeous backgrounds, but I guess this is where animation is going lately so I might have to get used to it.

overall: 8/10

#castlevania #futari wa pretty cure #incredibles 2 #dragon ball super broly #fireworks #homura reviews #homura's flash reviews

[fyrapartnersearch]

Long Term Partner!

Hey there, it’s me Spencer, posting on here again with a bit more detail! As stated above, my name’s Spencer, I am 18 and I’m a guy! BEFORE YOU GO ON: I USE SKYPE ONLY TO WRITE.(No tumblr, no email, no kik, no messenger,etc,etc) Time zone: EST Availability: Pretty available. I’m a rapid-response kind of guy. But there are times I get busy. I just had a job interview today (fingers crossed) and I’m a student so I’ve got classes (and a potential job) to keep up with. Pretty free on the weekends. Again, once we talk I’ll probably let you know about my schedule more in detail. You don’t have to be 18+ to write with me unless you want to write smut. You have to tell me your age when you talk to me, and if you don’t then we can’t write, even if we aren’t writing smut. I prefer it if my partner is available at least a little bit once a day? I’m not going to be super adamant about it, because I’m a busy person sometimes too. At least let me know if you’ll be busy, I don’t like sitting on my hands waiting for someone to come back after they’ve disappeared without a word. Note: I really value ooc chat and sending each other stupid memes about our characters… also making spotify playlists for our characters in a plus. Honestly… just looking for a good pal as well as a roleplay partner. Okay, let’s get down to business! Style: I write para to multi-para anywhere from 100 to 800 words. Really depends on the situation. Third person, and I cannot handle first person. Smut?: I’m of legal age in my country, but I’m not super big on it. If it furthers the plot or I’m feeling it, then sure, I’ll write smut. But if you’re looking for a smut-based plot, I’m not your dude. I’m cool with writing any and all genders. I prefer fandoms, but I’m cool with OC. I’ve got a couple OCs but I could always make another to fit whatever you’re feeling. So onto what I’m interested in writing: I’m reaallly craving a Shameless US plot, specifically Gallavich.  Fandoms *Characters I prefer to write are on the right* -Shameless US- Mickey x Ian Mandy x Lip Trevor x Ian Mickey x OC Ian x OC

-Gotham/DC- Jerome Valeska (Joker) x OC Jerome Valeska (Joker) x Harley Quinn -Criminal Minds- Spencer x OC Spencer x JJ Spencer x Emily Spencer x Maeve (Can you tell I like writing Spencer?) -Bonnie and Clyde (Musical/Movie/Historical Couple)- Clyde x Bonnie -Harry Potter- OC x OC Harry x Draco Ron x Hermione This is going to sound so strange.. but the one fandom that GOT me into writing all those years ago was the Warrior Cats book series. I’m not a furry but It’s been like 6 years since I’ve written Warrior Cats and a part of me really wants to try that out again? Haha. If you remember reading those when you were little.. let’s making a fucking Clan…… if you did want to write Warrior Cats, then I prefer OC only and a lot of creativity. I am dead ass serious about wanting to write this. It’s been years. The thought popped into my head last night about writing it… Genres/AUs/Plots I like Genres: Romance Comedy Drama Angst Fluff Slice of life Combo of all of the above? AUs: Vampire Magical Plots: 1930s Great Depression America 1920s College life Bad boy meets good girl/boy/(person) End of the world … I’m really not picky but as long as it’s nothing super out of the ordinary or intricate then just let me know what you’re craving and I’ll probably be up for it. Cool, so if you made it this far feel free to add me on Skype. My username is Dervvvid. If you can, leave a message when you add me saying you saw my RP advertisement, just so I know you’re not a spambot or something? I look forward to meeting you!

#oc rp #multiple paragraph #para #semipara #long term #harry potter rp #dc rp #submission

[surelypovichjr]

Surely Waxes Brazilian Part III: Chip and Surely’s Legitimate Beef

This is part three in a four part series documenting my recent adventures in Brazil. Helluva time! Catch up with Part I and Part II before reading this sweet juicy peach! Zei Gezunt! 

Is this Arby’s located in Brazil or is it simply Rockville Pike? The correct answer gets a free curly fry on the tab of Yers Surely.

Part III: Chip and Surely’s Legitimate Beef

It was an unbearably humid morning just like the rest of them—February in Rio. The days had been like this for awhile now…business was good, but still, pushing Isabel’s cart up the steep, winding roads of the Morro da Babilônia favela, I could sense that something was off. I continue pushing the cart, up to where Isabel is standing at the top of a hilly mound; quickly, I brushed aside my ominous feelings, and stop to admire the curvaceous silhouette Isabel is cutting on a makeshift shack with peeling yellow paint. A small tidepool of sweat crept down the beautiful boob job I had gotten her just the other week as the Brazilian morning grew increasingly swampy.

Isabel was worth all the salt in the shaker! Living here her entire twenty-six years made Isabel not only street-wise but also endearing to everyone she greeted; a friend and trustworthy woman to the whole neighborhood, a brand of community cache no amount of money could buy. Chip’s business proposition that night had prompted Izzy to quit her library job and instead work for us…naturally, she still maintained her night shift at the City of Goddess, but at this point, it was just for some extra pocket change.

A weaker man might have wanted Isabel to quit that life but I prided myself on being a more enlightened individual. As my old friend Jeffrey Gildenhorn (RIP) once said, being a sex worker is a job just like any other. Reading up on the subject, I learned that workers like Isabel are far too often marginalized because of the broken way that our governments attempt to scandalize the occupation for political points with pearl-clutching constituents. Truly, if this world had any guts whatsoever, it’d realize that incorporating prostitution into the legal workforce would only increase communication between those in the industry and the people trying to stop slave-trafficking and other forms of heinous activity that ladies like Isabel sometimes run up against in their line of work. As Jeff said, cash for sex ain’t nuthin’ to sneeze at, unless, you know, that’s what gets yer dick off…and for me, it actually does, which is a pretty cool fetish, in my opinion. No judgment and no sneezeguards, is what I always say!

Jeffrey Gildenhorn was a Renaissance man ahead of his time in that the man both owned a diner AND ALSO advocated for the decriminalization and ultimate legalization of the sex worker industry in DC...in the early 1990s! A true visionary! RIP, my good friend.

Isabel was also now a sales associate for our latest business enterprise, Chip and Surely’s Legitimate “Beef”, a 501(c)(3) providing door-to-door food delivery services to the city’s minimally regulated outer boroughs. The whole shebang was paid for by the suckers at the UN in partnership with the International Olympic Committee, who were of the mind that feeding the country’s most at-risk citizens would be good for Rio’s image as the events approached.

Izzy was a great fit at CSLB; her wonderful customer relationships made her a natural pick to grace all of our company’s billboards and television commercials. Of course, I had hired my old photographer Trevor for these gigs. The guy had decided to stick it out in Brazil, and was doing good after a few recommendations with some of our business partners—and because of all the referrals, we didn’t have to pay him! As for Isabel, it cannot be overstated how good she was. Out of the 1,264 slums in and around the Rio de Janeiro, Isabel was Chip Rosenbaum’s top earner and the two of us became inseparable as we worked her old stomping grounds together, hand-in-hand. Still, she had her doubts.

“I don’t know what it is about this job,” said Isabel, having just made $25 selling a bag of grade D meat to a family of four, “but I feel like there’s something else I could be doing with my life. Surely, do you think I should go back to my job at the library? I know it’s less money, but it felt like I was making a difference.”

Isabel’s old job. Total snoozer.

For a moment I mulled this around in my head. The whole point of getting Izzy involved was to get her out of the library and onto the streets. There was more money to be made out here slinging hot beef than it was curled up inside the Biblioteca Nacional, collecting a steady, but below-average paycheck. A few more years of the illicit meat racket and the two of us could retire somewhere special, maybe even make it back to Rockville someday—of course, this would be after the statute of limitations on Ping’s child support runs out. On that day, I could see it all so clear. Me and Isabel, back in my North Bethesda duplex. I’d fit it up real nice with some quartz countertops and a tanning bed. We wouldn’t miss a beat. We’d be happy. Maybe raise a couple of children—maybe they’re even our children and not some random kids we see walking around Bethesda Row on Simchat Torah. Was it really so crazy?  

The Bethesda Bagels where I am no longer welcome. I still frequent the Dupont location.

“I dunno, Izzy,” I said, rolling a bucket of rancid tripe up an unpaved embankment. “I think Chip’s doing right by us. We’re making money. Way more than you were dewey decimalin’…more than I ever did selling ‘ticles to this place and that. Why change things? Besides, we’re in love, aren’t we?”

“Of course we are, Surely. I don’t know what I was thinking. I love you.”

“I love you too,” giving her a peck on the cheek.

“Come on Surely, this meat isn’t going to sell itself,” said Isabel, knocking on the next door. A woman opened up and Isabel started in with the usual spiel.

“Would you care for…some tripe?” I asked, not waiting for the answer before unloading some samples on her sweet lil kiddos.

While I was eating at Arby’s my pal Chip had been buying ‘em up left and right. Chip’s dad Leo had died and left him with the family fortune. Turns out, the old man was the silent partner behind J.Chow’s Chicken, Salad, and Ribs in the White Flint Mall food court, arguably the best restaurant in the entire shopping center, besides the Cheesecake Factory, of course.

The J.Chow’s establishment at White Flint Mall. RIP.

For twenty years, Chip was doing well as the franchise owner of 64% of the Arby’s Restaurants in the lower 48, that is until Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign got underway. This initiative had an almost instant and deleterious effect on the fast food business, especially Arby’s which had at that time not yet launched its market sandwich line of healthier meal choices, such as the Carved Turkey on focaccia, a personal favorite of my son Ping, before he would hit the pool for afternoon swim practice.

To make matters worse, Chip had a supply problem…he had too much beef and nowhere to sell it. His restaurants were now doing a quarter of the big beefy business they had done in the golden years of the Clinton Administration, especially when the fat, philandering fuck machine himself would stroll into the Rockville Pike Arby’s every other week. Yes, Chip was in trouble, locked into a series of futures contracts with the cattlemen, he had an oversupply of product and also could not take advantage of falling meat prices; you didn’t want to get on the bad side of a cattleman, as anyone who has ever seen Lee Marvin’s Prime Cut can attest.

Prime Cut…thought-provoking flick about sellin’ meat.

Archibald’s: A DC Institution 

Adding to his business problems was an embargo on sales of American meat to Asia, which made offloading the product nearly impossible for Chip. But just as things were looking their worst, my friend happened to overhear a conversation at Archibald’s, a primo titty bar not a stone’s throw from the White House. This was a deep conversation between some powerful people, men obviously, who were high ranking officials in the Brazilian government, United Nations, and International Olympics Committee respectfully. Fat knockers in their faces, the men were in discussions as to a public relations problem. With the Rio Olympics rapidly approaching, increasing scrutiny was being paid to the country by the international community. 

Already, Brazil was being ridiculed for the thing. After all, said the UN official, how could the country’s leadership deem it appropriate to host an Olympic Games, to spend billions in public money for volleyball courts and golf courses, while upwards of a half a million children in Rio’s favelas met the World Health Organization’s definition of malnourishment?! At this, one of the Brazilian politicians laughed, “Sure they are poor children today,” he said, “but in two years, when you come for the Olympics...they will be the ones flashing a fake police badge to rob you at a ‘military checkpoint.’ You’ll come back to us, to the bullet caucus, and ask...why were you not tougher on the children...why did you not throw the children in a prison? But today is not that day...on this day, you wish for the children to have what, an order of curly fries...perhaps, a Big Montana?” 

Better lucky than good, thought Chip Rosenbaum, turning around to introduce himself. Almost overnight, my friend’s business woes became a venture of formidable opportune...selling American products to a bunch of Latin American fascists...a tale as old as time. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?

“Surely, aren’t you out of the sportswriting business? Chip asked. “I mean, these people are so corrupt, and no matter what you write, it’s 2016 man...literally no one cares. It’s just another blip on the rolling screen. Fuck man, ever since the Internet and that chucklehead Kornheiser yapping on ESPN...I mean...face it Surely, sportswriting is dead.”

Dad’s least favorite intern.

Chip had me on that. I was done writing. Even if there was no story, there was no one on the other end who would give the corruption story the respect it deserved.

And so, every morning for the past two years, Isabel and I have awoken in the same bed near dawn. I make us coffee as the two of us wait in silence for the large truck and the men. When the truck arrives, a burlap bag is placed over our heads and drives to an airstrip. The bags come off just as a large cargo plane touches down over the flora and fauna of the rain forest. Sometimes Chip is there but most days he’s nowhere to be found as Isabel and I are in charge of monitoring the unloading process. The plane emptied and the inventory accounted for, we’re blindfolded again, back to Rio, where the truckdriver takes us to the various drop zones. We continue to oversee the men, loading up all of the hot carts we own with curly fries and fresh-ish meats to sell throughout their respective territories. After that it’s around 9 am and time for breakfast…a nice spread at the small café down the road from our place…we take up our own cart a short time later.

Indeed, we were doing great things…not only in Brazil, but also back home, where I still could not return because of the whole extradition thing with Ping and Warren Wagglestein, Esq. Instead, we gave a bulk of our money to philanthropic causes back in Rockville and the DC suburbs. We started by making Chip’s brother Barry the head of our foundation, the Native Washingtonian Association. We had a lot of causes during this time, restoring the cafeteria at the Ring House was Chip’s pet project, as his mother was still there and he got a year’s rent free on account of the remodel. For me, it was two vanity projects. The first was the Danny Gatton Guitar School, a big honkin’ grant given to Montgomery College to teach inner city kids from Southern Rockville how to play smooth rockabilly. The second project was more ambitious. The NWA soup kitchen was created to mentor Washington’s next generation of soup masters. We endowed an entire school for the thing, out in Olney dedicated to the culinary arts of broth and balls. My hope…to one day recreate the BJ Pumpernickel’s establishment that Shirely Povich, Sr. had so dearly loved.

Danny fucking Gatton! (Image: © Clayton Call/Getty Images)

Even with NWA going great, I guess there’s a part of me that knew it couldn’t last. Chip and I were always getting into fights over petty stuff. Like when we ran out of imported meat from America and Ever had a burger made out of jaguar? All the Horsey Sauce in the world can’t do it justice. Believe me.

One day, I got fed up with it all.

“Chip, the product is getting worse. You can’t cut beef meat with jaguar and expect to get repeat customers.”

“They’re fuckin’ Brazilians, Surely. Besides, our profit margins have never been higher. What do you care?”

“We’re decimating the population of an endangered species.”

“We’re sourcing locally and reducing our carbon footprint. Isn’t that what you lib yahoos are all about these days?”

A Jaguar lookin’ regal on the Brazilian Fifty Dollar Bill. We fed their meat to people after the demand became too large for our supply chain of week-old beef comin’ from the United States. Members of the Social Christian party loved the idea back in 2016. Swell guys. 

I shrugged. At the end of the day, I was only a minority partner in the business. Chip was holding all the cards. And maybe he was even right about the thing. We were paying Arby’s for all this imported meat that had to travel thousands of miles to get here. That’s jet fuel and a pilot you have to pay for. If you just kill a jaguar, you only have to pay the hunter…and the reserve is only a hop, skip, and jump from downtown Rio. Besides, the kids were learning guitar in Bethesda. And more importantly, the soup was flowing out there in Olney.

Or was it? Even though I couldn’t get back to the States, I still managed to get updates from Chip’s brother from time to time. A few months after we opened the schools, Barry Rosenbaum came down to Brazil to meet with his brother. But first, he showed me a video of two of the kids at the guitar school.

“Classic Gatton,” I recognized, marveling at the young ingenues, soloing away on a pair of Fender Telecasters.

“And that’s not all,” said Barry, taking out a thing of Tupperware and placing it on the table. I recognized it instantly, matzoh ball soup straight outta the NWA kitchen. “Whaddya say, Surely…you got a stove?”

I jumped at the chance. All those months of tinkering, could it really be? Did we really perfect the BJ Pumpernickel’s recipe? Sure, Barry’s goons had paid off the previous owners for the world-famous recipe, but who’s to say if they gave us the real deal. With much anticipation, I lit the gas burner and set it to low, so that the icy block of soup would slowly revert to a beautiful, golden hue. I began to salivate.

Chip came in just then.

“Moment of truth, Surely,” he said. “What’re you waiting for?”

I ladled out the soup for the three of us.

“Gentlemen, I propose a toast,” I said. “To my old friend Chip, without whom, none of this would be possible.”

“Here! Here!” said Barry.

“Here goes nothin,” I said, diving in. Slowly I brought the spoon to my face. The broth was on point, thick but not too thick, and full of rich schmaltz…now for the balls…

“You backstabbing, lying, sack of shit,” I said, dropping the spoon.

“What?”

“Don’t play fucking coy with me, fuckface,” I said. I removed a pistol from my gray sweat shorts and pointed it at Barry Rosenbaum’s head.

“Surely, what the fuck?!”

“Both you and I know…these aren’t the Pumpernickel’s balls. “First the jaguar meat and now this…just what the hell kinda trick you think you’re trying to pull here, Chip?”

The look on Chip’s face faded from disbelief to that of a large grin. “Well, well, well,” he said, clapping his hands, “and here I thought you were nothing but muscle.”

So everything was a lie? In a moment it dawned on me.

“This is the Hofberg’s matzoh soup,” I recognized, almost choking on the words. “Chip, how could you?”

“It’s better…it’s always been better. I mean, BJ Pumpernickel’s…are you fucking kidding me, Surely. Do you know BJ Pumpernickel was not even a real person? Now Abe Hofberg….shit, that was a soupmaster you could set your watch to.”

“You disgust me,” I said, cutting the inferior ball with the side of my spoon. “My father would be rolling over in his grave if he knew the kids at our soup school were learning the Hofberg’s recipe. For goddsakes, he’d rather them learn the Silver Diner matzoh ball than the shit they made over there.”

“The Silver Diner never made matzoh ball soup. It’s a figment of your fucking imagination.”

“They did too. In the spring of ’78…you had gone to some special basketball camp because you were a bigshot athlete…I stayed in Rockville and had a barback gig at the Bethesda Yacht Club. Every morning, I’d kick a new gurly outta bed and head over to Silver Diner for a cup of the stuff. It was the greatest summer of my life.”

This stuff is on par with Hofberg’s, if you ask me.

“The same summer you fucked Sherri Epstein, right Surely? My girlfriend. Hey, no hard feelings pal…I know you weren’t…Sherri told me all about it. Besides, even if you wanted Pumpernickel’s soup, you couldn’t get it…only Barry has the recipe, and it’s all the way back in Olney, where you can’t go because of you owe for your biological son. Face it, Surely, those kids are going to learn the Hofberg’s soup backwards and forwards…and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it…tell you what though, anytime you want a container of the stuff, I’ll have Barry bring it down for you whenever you want. Sound good?”

Smelling defeat, I lowered the gun from Chip’s brother’s temple. “From here on out, we’re not friends anymore…only partners.”

“Fine by me,” said Chip, ladling himself another round. “Not such a Mighty Mo now, are ya?”

I walk out and back to Isabel’s feeling worse than I had ever felt in my entire sixty-seven years. I had lost.

The next morning Isabel and I wake up for work. Same routine. The truck comes to our place and the two of us greet the two burlap bags that are placed over our heads. The truck starts up and starts to drive. Wrong direction. Gone are the sounds of the rainforest and the secret airstrip, with its black market planes and illicit cargo. Instead, we’re brought inside some kind of abandoned office building—through the blindfold, I make out the scant outlines of an old microfiche reader—we’re inside an old newsroom! Before I can break free and steal ancient office supplies, we’re ushered into a small enclosure with a familiar chemical smell I recognize must be the paper’s dark room. I can tell Isabel is scared but I tell her not to worry as the blindfolds come off.

“Surely…Povich…Jr.”

“Hello Trevor.”

 Stay tuned for Part IV of my amazing Amazonian adventure!

#danny gatton #prime cut #gene hackman #lee marvin #arby's #rockville pike #rockville #chevy chase #maryland #chip rosenbaum #hofberg's #silver diner #ledo's pizza #panera bread #montgomery college #ring house #bj pumpernickels #olney #kornheiser #shirley povich #potomac #Charles WOODWARD #jeffrey gildenhorn #american city diner #brazil #rio de janeiro #microfiche #trevor #archibald's #matzoh ball soup

[jacy1d]

Do you prefer bar or liquid soap?

I usually use bar soap, I find liquid soap runs out too fast.

When was the last time you wore your favourite article of clothing?

I don’t think I have a favourite article of clothing. 

Where was your Facebook profile picture taken?

My bedroom.

Do your parents smoke?

They did when I was little.

Would you rather bake cookies or a potato?

Cookies. I’m not a fan of potatoes.

Do you live close to a park?

The waterfowl park is more or less across the street.

Is your favourite animal endangered?

As far as I know wolves aren’t endangered.

Have you eaten pizza in the last week?

Surprisingly no.

Who was the last person you added to your contacts list?

Uuuum...I honestly couldn’t tell you.

How long does it take you to shower?

15 minutes to half an hour, depending on if I have to shave or if I feel like washing my hair.

Do you prefer a brand of bottled water over others, or is it all the same?

Evian is the best, but it’s so pricey.

Have you used Wikipedia today?

Yeah.

How many pens can you see from where you’re sitting?

Two.

What is your current desktop background?

Turks & Caicos.

Have you ever been stung by a bee or a wasp?

Bees.

How many schools have you been to in your lifetime?

One elementary school, two high schools, one university.

What is the middle name of the last person you texted?

I can’t remember.

Are you of legal age in your country?

Have been for 4 years.

Why did you last visit a doctor?

Idk, it’s been awhile.

Would you prefer an ice cream cake or a regular cake?

Ice cream please.

How old is your best friend?

22.

Do you carry pain relievers with you at all times?

I usually take Advil everywhere with me just in case.

Where is your mother right now?

Home.

What was the last thing to make you smile?

My Deadpool ringtone.

Generally speaking, do you prefer sweet or savoury?

Savoury.

When did you last go outside, and what for?

I was outside when I was carrying my groceries from my car to the building.

What colour is your backpack?

Like a neon yellow-green.

What search engine do you usually use?

Google.

How much did the shirt you’re wearing cost?

I don’t really know, it’s a sweater that used to belong to my dad.

Do you know anyone who gives way too many hugs?

Yep.

What time do you usually wake up on Sundays?

10ish.

Have you whispered today?

nope.

What is something that is bothering you right now? Missing someone I shouldn’t be missing.

Will you be in a relationship one month from now? It’s highly unlikely.

Who was the last person to see you cry? Whoever walked by me in the Superstore parking lot today.     Do you drink bottled water? I do.

What was the last thing you drank? Pepsi. Do you hate the last person who called you? Some person at the Ford service desk, so no because I don’t technically know her.         Where is your best friend right now? In PEI.   Do you believe in love? Yeah, I believe it destroys you. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Depression.   If you’re being extremely quiet, what does that mean? It could mean I’m sad, depressed, worried, anxious, annoyed, shy, etc.       Last person of the opposite sex you texted single? Yeah. Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing: It’s a black BUM sweatshirt with the #86 in red on it. Used to be my dad’s.     How long have you lived in your current home? 2 years. You never know what you have until it’s gone. True or false? So true. Are you sad when someone says they hate you? More confused.   Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else? I’ve already lost him. Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? Probably, but just because I’ll be watching TV and I’m cold.     Do you laugh at inappropriate times? I tend to do that sometimes.

What time did you wake up today? 10:30. Would you rather be single all your life or grow old with someone? Grow old with someone, obviously. That’s the goal anyway. How many bracelets do you have on right now? None. How long have you liked the person you like right now? Since August.   Is there someone of the opposite sex you can talk to? Yeah, to an extent I guess. He’s not really there for me like he promised he would be though.     Do you like mac n cheese? I love it. Do you get mad when people don’t text back? I get annoyed. What does your phone do when it receives a text? Vibrates and says “Bad Deadpool”. How late did you stay up til last night and why? 1 something, was tired.   Are you going out of town soon? I don’t think so.     Think back to Februrary, how was your love life? Shitty as fuck. Will you regret your next kiss? I hope not. What is in your pocket? not a thing.   Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? Many times.   Are you happier now or 5 months ago? They have both sucked. Are you usually wide awake when you wake up? Definitely not.   Can you remember the last person you texted without looking? Mom.. Can you sleep without blankets covering you? I cannot. Do you listen to music everyday? Couldn’t live without it. How long have you known your first phone contact? Since junior high. Who are all your texts in your inbox from? Mom, Colton, Dad, Dougie, Jarin, Kiera, Ashley, Sarah, Ellie, Brenda, Katie, Chelsea T, Trevor, Faye, Alison, Jess, Chelsea W, Jan, Uncle Jay, Morgan, Chayce & Zach.         Do you have a hard time making decisions? Very much so. Are you gonna be home alone tonight? No, unfortunately Ashley’s here.   What are you looking forward to? Being happy again...     Are you a morning or night person? 100%  night person. Are you excited for this weekend? Ah, no. I have a presentation to work on.       What are you wearing on your feet? They’re naked lol.   If there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? I’d do my best to kill it.

What is the last thing you touched, other than your computer? My hair.

When was the last time you talked to your best friend? My birthday.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? The playlist I have on right now is literally all songs that remind me of him.        .

Are you a social or anti-social person?

I’m not overly social.

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? I’m in love with someone right now.

Where were you last night at 8 PM? Home, watching Making History with the fam.

What color is your cell phone? Black and silver.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you drank? Pepsi.

Your last received text, would you kiss them? I want to say no but I’ve used him before and honestly it’ll probably happen again.

Have you told anybody you loved them and meant it?   Of course. I don’t say it if I don’t mean it.

Are you in a good mood? Definitely not.

What were you doing an hour ago?       Painting my nails.

Is there anyone that could make your day if they showed up at your house?     Fuck yes. Too bad he won’t.

Does your middle name begin with an A, M, or S?             A.

How old was the last person you rode in a car with?       19 and 20.

What color was the last vehicle you were in?     Green.

Do you have plans for next weekend?             Working on my presentation.

What was the last movie you saw in theaters and who did you go with? 50 Shades Darker with Kiera.

How old were you in 1999?         5.

Are you taller than 5'6"?             That’s my height.

Who were the last three people to call you?     Ford, Kiera, Ford.

What were you doing last night at 10pm?           Unpacking/folding laundry.

If you turn around, what is behind you?               Bed, lamp, stereo.

Would you dye your hair hot pink for $50?         Likely not.

Do you have any step or half siblings?   I do not.

What color is your underwear? Blue.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?   Dad.

Who was the last person to hug you?   Mom.

Who is on your mind right now?               Him. Always.

In how many years will you be thirty?   7.

What are your plans after this? Watch TV.

Are you currently barefoot? Yessir.

What’s the dumbest thing you have ever said? I’ve said many dumb things.

You can never drink tea again or soda. Which do you give up? Tea, 100%.

Last time you drank coffee? A few days ago.

Do you listen to screamo? Not really.

In what month were you born? February.

Do you take vitamins daily? Yep.

Who is your 9th contact in your phone? Ashley.

How many programs are running on your computer now? 4.

What’s the first icon on your desktop? iTunes.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? Sleeping.

How old is the cellphone you have right now? 3 years or so?

Do you get pissed off when your computer freezes? Drives me crazy.

What’s the last thing you laughed at? My ringtone.

What’s one thing you hate about your best friend? She lives so far away...

Where is your dad right now? Home.

Last person to hug you who isn’t family?

Shannon.

Do you take pictures of yourself on a daily basis? Pretty close, yeah. Do you like the name Adam? It isn’t my favourite but I don’t hate it.

What is the first liquid you drank today? Water. Have you ever been to Los Angeles, California? Nope. Do you believe in angels? I don’t know. Do you prefer Pepsi or Coke? Or do you not care either way? PEPSI. Is there anything in your past that you used to regret, but now you don’t? There are plenty of things I still regret to this day. Can’t think of anything I don’t regret anymore.                 When is the last time you ate donuts? A few weeks ago maybe? Are you left handed? Nope. Do you use your left or right thumb to press the space bar? I use the index finger on my left hand.     Have you ever had a Hershey’s bar with almonds? Yeah, they’re so good.

What cell phone company do you have? Bell. Do you text on a daily basis? What about hourly? Yes, and no.   What button on your keyboard do you press most besides the space bar? Likely the “e”. What’s the last song you listened to? First Time Again - Jason Aldean ft Kelsea Ballerini.         When is the last time you sneezed? Yesterday. Who is the 3rd person you talked to this morning? Idk. Are you dating the last person you talked to on the phone? Definitely no.

Does your knee hurt? Nope. Has anyone ever bitten your knee? I don’t believe so. Do you know anyone whose name starts with an X, Q, or U? X and Q.   Do you know anyone whose name ends with a J, Q, or W? My own name starts with a J...Lol.     8 Friends. 1. Sarah 2. Colton   3. Kiera  4. Dougie  5. Ash  6. Jena  7. Brenda    8. Zach

Questions

Has 8 ever eaten in front of you? Yeah. Have you ever been on a date with 1? Nope. Does 2 remind you of any cartoon characters? not a cartoon character but a TV character  . Is 6 your best friend? We just met in January    . Can 4 count backwards from 69 to -248? I honestly am not sure he can ‘)     Can 2 touch his/her nose with his/her tongue? I don’t think.     Have you ever been outside with 1 when it was below freezing? Many times.   Has 1 ever been skating with you? Nah. Has 5 ever let you borrow clothing before? She has. Would 8 and 7 make a cute couple? Definitely not considering there’s like a 30 year age difference hahaha.          If 2 and 3 both were in a wreck at the same time, would that be sad? Obviously, Jesus... Did 4 go to 5’s last birthday party? Ah no. Did 5 go to 4’s wedding? I didn’t even go to 4′s wedding, his wife hated me hahaha.     �� Who is sexier: 3 or 7? My sister’s pretty hot hehehe. Is 3 your best friend? The absolute best. 6 and 7 just confessed they love you. You’re single. Which do you date? Um, neither haha.

Has anyone ever called you sexy? Yep. Do you have children? I do not.   Do you like raisins? nah. Would you buy three 12-packs of coke products if you liked Pepsi? Fuck Coke. Did that question even make sense? It did not/   What is your favorite bug? Butterflies. What color is your camera? Black. Do you speak any language besides English? Some French.   Can you eat cheese? I fucking love cheese.   Who was your favorite teacher in middle school? Ms. Collins.   Was math your worst subject in high school? For sure. Are you in college? University.   Have you ever driven a purple car? Can’t say I have. Been in one though, we used to call my uncle’s old car the Barney car because of its colour.             What about a green car? I own a green car.

Do you drink hard liquor? Fuck yeah. Do you like scrabble? Sure.

What were you doing on April 21, 2008? Like I’d remember what I was doing April of grade 8?

Can you count to 113 in a language other than English? French.   What should you be doing now instead of this survey? Homework. Do you have a printer? Yeah.

What is your favorite food? Pizza. Do you like sweet and sour chicken on white rice? I hate sweet & sour anything.     Do you even like corn? Meh. Have you met anyone new yet today? Can’t say I have.   What is your biggest pet peeve? Liars. Have you ever overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to? Mhmm. Do you wish it was 10 hours later than it is now? Ah no.   Have you ever been to New York City, Chicago, or Indianapolis? NYC. Do you want some pie? Sure I guess. Have you ever stayed up until 7:30 AM? More than once.     Have you ever lived in Pennsylvania, Arizona, or Hawaii? Nope. Do you like ants? Not really. Unless you count Ant Man.         Did you like the movie Antz? Meh. What is your favorite Disney movie? Tangled.   What do you think of “Octomom”? Ridiculous. She’s fucking brave.   Do you like octopi? Meh. Do you wish this survey was longer, shorter, or neither? Shorter. What was your favorite ice cream flavor when you were little? Chocolate chip cookie dough. Is it still your favorite? One of them.   By the way, what is your name? Jacy. And what time is it? 8:18pm. What time zone do you live in? Atlantic.  

Do you like drums? I wish I could play them. Have you ever drank goat milk? no. What is your favorite soft drink? Pepsi. I see. So do you want to go to bed? I wish. What’s your favorite video game? I don’t have one. Do you like cats? Love them. Are goldfish your favorite fish? Koi are the best. How many pets do you have? 3 cats, 1 dog. How old is the oldest person who lives in your house? 23. Do you wish your house had a basement? Not really. Do you like vanilla pudding? I actually don’t.   Which band is your favorite? Hedley. Does Taylor Swift suck? Absolutely not/   What do you smell right now? Candle.

What is your opinion on abortion? I’m pro choice all the way. What is your opinion on gay marriage? Love is love. What is your opinion on gay adoption? It shouldn’t even be an issue.       Care for a cookie? no.

Do you like crumpets and scones? I don’t.   Do you wish this survey was over yet? Yeah. Are you currently in a relationship? I fucking wish. Are you happy about that? Obviously not ^   What is your favorite David Cook song? Permanent.     How many more minutes until you will next eat? Coupla hours probably. Is there a “merged” restaurant in your city (like Taco Bell/KFC)? I don’t think so. Do you like Pizza hut? Sure. Is A&W your favorite brand of root beer? I think I’m allergic to rootbeer.   Who was the last person to ask for your number? Dougie. Is the sun shining? It’s dark out.

What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Grimm. When was the last time you went to the cinema? Last month.   What did you see? And who did you go with? 50 Shades Darker with my sister. Don’t you just hate football?! Yeah I do. Is someone/something annoying you right now? Mhmm. Who are you texting at the moment? Dougie, Colton, my mom.   What have you eaten today? Turkey sandwich, molasses cookie, perogies, Greek turkey wrap.   Pancakes or waffles? Either. Do you have pictures on your bedroom wall? I do. What did you do yesterday? Pancake house with Kiera & Jarin, hung with the fam, then came back to Sackville.         When did you last wear tights? Uh, can’t remember. Might have been Christmas Eve.  Has a close friend ever moved away? Many times.   Have you been to a wedding this year? nope. When’s your birthday? February 24th. How annoying is ‘LOL’? I don’t really find it annoying. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Colton. Do you get along with your neighbours? I don’t know them. When did you last go to a park? Idk. Which friend lives closest to you? Ashley. If someone liked you would you want them to tell you? It depends on the person. Could have gone without a certain friend telling me.               Give us a random fact about the person you last called.. She’s my mom. Would you ever consider plastic surgery? Maybe. Do you like getting drunk? Love it. Makes me more social & numbs the pain.     Who made you smile today? Mom, TV. What was the last thing you bought? Monster energy drink, blackberries, pizza.   Facebook, Myspace or Twitter? Twitter. Are you pretty? :)) I’m not.   Are you shy? Very, for the most part. Who do you know with the nicest smile? Him. What colour would you change your eyes to? Just green without the brown.     What song are you listening to? Hurricane-Luke Combs.   Do you know what the word 'mardy’ means? I do not.   What’s your favourite boy’s name? Roen or Jacob.   Girl’s name? I’m not sure.   How do you think your life is going to be? Depressing. Disappointing.       Is this the best year of your life? HAHAHA. Live laugh love, right? Sure. Do you need a party? Yes plz. Computer or laptop? Laptop. Do you wear makeup? I hate leaving the house without it.   What are your favourite pair of jeans? My light blue ones/   What’s the most you’ve ever spent on shoes? $200. Have you ever been strawberry picking? Yep. Do you love your nan? Of course. Don’t you just hate people who love a different person every week? Yeah. Honestly, how many people do you trust? Like, zero. How are you feeling? Very sad. When will you next see your mum? I’m not sure.   Is anything good on TV tonight? Idk.

[surelypovichjr]

Surely Gets a Brazilian, Part 2: Waxing Poetic On My Big Olympics Scoop

Part 1 of my Brazilian adventure can be found here.

Part 2

A plane touches down at Galeão International Airport. Amongst its passengers a writer, a great writer, a man, naturally. But this man is not just any writer—no— this man is a sportswriter, sent south undercover of night on a mission of remarkable import—to bravely type up an Internet article about athletic events played by young people.  

Of course, the man had been an athlete in his salad days; a backup point guard at Charles W. Woodward High in Rockville, Maryland. No slouch on the hardcourt, the boy averaged nearly several points per game—he set the team record for highest three point shot percentage in a season, with a damn perfect 100% accuracy on one attempt, in the final thirty seconds of a junior year thrashing of Whitman High—a school record that stands to this day. (Editor’s Note: Charles Woodward High School closed in 1987. Today, the building operates as Tilden Middle School.)

That being said, it was clear that the boy simply wasn’t cut from the same athletic cloth as his contemporaries, like DeMatha’s Adrian Dantley or even his teammate and one-time bar mitzvah partner, Chip Rosenbaum; a slew of physical detractments inherited from the boy’s German ancestors had taken its toll on his portly frame.

Dantley’s DeMatha squad. Guess who they lost to that one time? Yers Surely!

Chip would often poke fun at his friend’s grotesquely wide Silesian ankles and thin birdlike arms, which were viewed as a sign of attractiveness amongst the aristocracy of the 19th century Holy Roman Empire. In fact, the boy was thrown out of the Adas Israel Hebrew School when he joked that no one in his family had lifted a weight since his great-great-great-great grandfather helped build the pyramids at Giza. Despite its bald-faced ludicrousness, the veracity of this statement has yet to be overturned. 

Even though Chip would ceaselessly lampoon him, the two remained good friends for a time, even if they did constantly compete, and argue, oh how they argued! Constantly! Most of the times it was about mundane shit but other times, it got heated—like the time the two debated for six hours about which joint made the best matzoh ball soup in the Washington area. Chip was a Hofberg’s guy while his friend couldn’t get enough of the Silver Diner’s delicious piping hot broth—Chip couldn’t understand how one’s mouth could take such punishment. To settle the matter, the two spent all day playing hooky from school, driving all throughout the Washington area, avoiding truancy officers and tasting soups. Their disagreement remained...the friendship was never the same after that.

A 1950s menu from Hofberg’s Kosher Delicatessen. JHSGW Collections, gift of Ann Hofberg Richards.

Still, despite his horrifying asthma, the boy possessed a certain intelligence that more than made up for his Transylvanian feet and congenital gout. The writer had always played basketball with a mental grip that sometimes escaped the Chip Rosenbaums of the world, and as the years wore on and the modicum of athletic prowess that he thinly grasped bid adieu to his flabby fat fuck body, the man found that he retained the capacity to understand the idiosyncracies of the game, to comment on that which he could no longer do, to criticize those that could still perform, to yell and bemoan the way in which Adrian Dantley couldn’t hit a free throw to save his whore mother’s life.

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

It’s me, sportswriting, and I’m here to tell you that you are a natural fit for this profession.

The man was pudgy now but actually still very attractive in a weird I wanna fuck that old guy kinda way. Oh, If only he could be twenty in his sixty-seven years old brain! Why, the great writer would show these world class Olympic athletes a thing or two, no question, Carl. He'd probably fuck their girlfriends too...like he did Chip Rosenbaum’s steady behind the Bethesda Hot Shoppes after the Danny Gatton show in ‘78...but of course he could still totally make women orgasm a lot, a no-brainer given his legendary girth. His dick works very well, I'm told. But that is a whole host of other great stories the well-endowed man, who is actually me, will one day tell, obviously some names will have to be changed— legal reasons—ongoing cold cases—but that's neither here nor there.

The Hot Shoppes where I made it with this hot redhead who went by the name of Sherri Epstein after a Danny Gatton show back in ‘78. Ask for the Mighty Mo—fantastic burger—also the nickname for my crank.

Deplaning onto the tarmac, the veteran reporter finds himself smack dab in the middle of Brazil, sent to Rio over two years before any other sportswriter. Six hundred days. Six hundred days for one lone wolf to mush out ahead of the pack, to befriend the slighted, to lift up the downtrodden, and maybe, lend a helping hand. Sledding through the airport, the man stops to buy a sandwich, an exotic one he's never tasted before. The talented writer takes a long slow bite of the sandwich, which has some kind of sauce whose flavor he cannot place, unfamiliar and unArbys-like on his undiscerning sportswriter palate. Discarding the unsatisfying meal, he goes outside, where a dog, a husky mix of some sort, saunters up to greet him. The man looks with some curiosity at the puppy, who is slow and confused in returning his gaze. With a gentle shrug the dog takes a whiz all over the man’s polyester slacks...six hundred days left to go...so much for a leg up, I guess.

In line at the taxi stand, the writer suck into my nostrils some of Brazil’s finest air. Immediately I find myself wholly reviled by the fetid stench that has taken root in my deepest olfactory senses.

“Smells like corruption,” says the man, wretching on a second lungful.

Sherri Epstein. 

Waiting for me outside is a prepubescent punker holding a can of my favorite ginger ale.

“We meet again,” says a tall boy with strawberry hair.

“Yeah, uh, who are you?” 

“I’m Trevor, your photographer...I bailed you out after the thing with your child support and your altercation with the North Bethesda Police Department.”

“Doesn’t ring a bell. You have to understand, I get bailed out of jail quite a bit for altercations with the North Bethesda Police Department.”

“Really?”

“Obviously not, what the hell is wrong with you? I’m a model fuckin’ citizen,” I say, swigging the ginger ale.

“Soo, you do remember me then?”

“Honestly. No.”

“Okay, well, if you wanna just follow me,” he says opening the passenger door to his rental car. “Bill sent me your flight itinerary and told me to scoop you up so we can get started. Only got a couple years til this whole Olympics thing starts, hehe.”

The writer has been married enough times to know that this will be a terrible match. Best for us to just go our separate ways now. Call the service, explain yer still under the warranty, and they'll send the gal back to one of the countries with a -stan suffix, no questions asked. That's the ticket.

“I don't need you or your fancy camera,” he tells his lame photographer.

“This is an iPhone,” he says.

“And this middle finger is an I-hate-you. Make like an omelette and flip, ‘fore I get mad.”

“No one’s gonna tie me down,” says the writer, as Trevor gets back into his car and drives away. Bill’s heard the stories. The man thinks he can babysit a Povich. The penis wheels on that guy, muses the man, shaking my head.

With the chaperone gone, Surely Povich Jr. is ready to plunge taint deep into my Rio adventure.

My first stop is the library, natch, where Yers Surely spends upwards of an hour doin hardcore research on everything blue, yellow, and green the colors that are on the Brazilian flag, I soon find out. There's also a River whose naming rights have been purchased by one of the world's largest online book stores—might this be the connection I need to root out the corporate corruptions? Time will tell. 599 more days to get to the bottom of it.

The librarian’s name is Isabel, a meek and pretty girl in that traditional sort of way. Isabel seems like a very simple girl, shy, but helpful, unconfidently pursing her lips even though she says that she’s been working here for a few years now. I nod and look into Isabel’s hazel eyes, which are obscured by a pair of bifocals, reading glasses, necessary for perusing the many books that are held in this library. Isabel laughs in a way that I like but cannot put my finger on, lilting with a femininity that I myself do not possess. Her hair is the color of a box of blonde hair coloring, blond and yellow, cropped into a nest at the top of her head with a pencil. She also had great cans.

“Call me Izzy,” she says, pointing me towards several key books on South American corruption.

“Most of these are in Portuguese,” I say, drawing a frowny face on one of the covers.

“You will have to compensate the library for the damage to the book jacket,” says Izzy.

Content with my progress, I decide that it’s time to knock on back to my Airbnb to smoke a ferocious doob.

“Hasta la an hour or so,” I tell my librarian friend.

Home is a five story walk up near the Copacabana. My grand nephew, Mike Kemp had found the place on the World Wide Web. the proprietor Jorge couldn't be a nicer guy. The minute I checked in he was offering me all the good stuff, killer Amazonian Broccoli, Yayo de Janeiro, and also some kinda hallucinogen made from a poison dart frog--I could already tell that Jorge was really a top landlord, even if he was a talking dolphin now, which I thought was a very strange choice to make on his part.

Stoned on frog dust, I check email to find a missive from long-time ladyfriend Sun Xi, or rather, her lawyer, one Warren M. Wagglestein:

Dear Surely,

As you are well aware, you have been deficient in your payment of child care and support for Ms. Xi and her child, Ping Povich. You are in arrears for back payments in the amounts of $4,674.89, pretty much all payments since you received the results of your blood test.

Mr. Povich, I understand that you are a sportswriter in an ever-dwindling media landscape of diminishing returns for your quality reporting on great men of sport. Nonetheless, it is our legal obligation to inform you that all wages earned within the United States or for U.S. based employers will result in the immediate garnishment of your wages for purposes of covering these back payments.

In essence, I strongly advise you not to return to the North Bethesda area. Sun Xi and I are very happy together-- we are engaged to be married at the Pooks Hill Marriott this spring. Moreover, your son, Ping, has begun studies at Brandeis University. He no longer wishes to be a sportswriter like his father. You can imagine that his mother and I are merrily elated at his wise decision to become an athlete.Young Ping is quite the swimmer these days. Very impressive.

Stay in Brazil, Surely!

Warren

What a mockery Ping has made of the Povich name! A fucking athlete. Truly a disgrace.

The Grosvenor Market, which I am no longer banned from frequenting. Stone’s throw from both my duplex and the Pooks Hill Marriott. I threw a stone at it one time after my Milano’s were all melted. I got banned cuz of that.

Putting down Warren’s letter, I can't help but think to myself what Dad would do in a situation such as this one. I remember the time he recounted the occasion of his big story on Ty Cobb. Of course, Dad hated that racist Cobb but not as much as he loved the way that openly proud member of the Ku Klux Klan ran those bases.

“It’s always important to remain objective,” Dad said. “The story is bigger than how much I hate Ty Cobb for being racially insensitive and beating minorities within inches of their lives. It’s about the baseball and how he ran those bases dammit. That's the story that needs to be told. Not the assaults on minorities. Leave that fluff for the tabloids. You're a sportswriter, son. That's a sacred thing.”

Dad was right about this responsibility...Which is why I decided to stick it out around Brazil to see what happened with the Olympic Games. Besides, My prospects for earning pay stateside were pretty much scuttled. As such, I did what I knew dad would to pay for Ping’s tuition. Not pay for it at all and Wait for the little fucker to age out of being a dependent...textbook Povich move. It was just like Dad’s many different families and my 10 half-brothers who came to contest his will back in 1998. Now that's what I call a family reunion!

“Surely, yer a chip off the old block,” Dad would say, if he were still alive and not floating above me in an ethereal amphibian induced hallucination.

“Thanks, Dad,” I'd reply.

I just remembered that one of my half-brothers is named Caleb...wonder how he's doing.

Still tripping my crank off, I get a yellow taxi cab back to the library, as there’s a hardcore skin joint next door, whose books boobs I wanna check out.

The City of Goddess is a gold medal strip club nary a stone’s throw away from the Biblioteca Nacional; it’s also very close to one of the modern world's most horrifying slums, which in Portuguese-speak are exotically referred to as horrifying favelas.

Indeed, many of the sex workers employed by the City of Goddess hail from these highly impoverished locales, where the money they earn stripping for members of the Brazilian Parliament and International Olympics Committee, are passed down to their families and those neighbors in need.

“Mr. Povich, is that you?” asks a stripper, in nuthin’ but a 100 years of solitude themed g-string.

“Hey Isabel!” I exclaim, recognizing my helpful librarian.

I watch as Izzy sashays her way down the catwalk, admiring her provocative bikini bottom that features the tired hand of an aged farmhand white knuckling a banana. Is it suggestive of a boner, perhaps, but also, the plight of unfair labor practices in the Americas.

Frog I tripped balls on.

“So Surely, did you find someone to translate the book on Rio’s corrupt political class that I placed on your workstation, earlier today?”

“Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance. Unless...”

“Meet me in the champagne room,” she replies.

“Sounds good Izzy. Are we gonna talk sex stuff. Maybe negotiate a price for services?”

“We can talk about that...or we can talk about...other stuff,” she says, grinding on my slacks, finally dry from all the dog urine that had accumulated earlier in the day. “For instance, in Rio, the poor and marginalized are never too far away from those places where millions of dollars in public money are being spent to build a volleyball stadium.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“You're a reporter aren't you?

“One of the best!”

“Doing an exposé on corruption before the Olympic Games?

“I believe so!”

“So write that down.”

“That’s a good idea, Izzy. Say do you know where the guy with all the skirt steak went? He was just here a minute ago and, well, I guess maybe he’ll be in the VIP area.”

Sure enough, he is in the VIP area, where I bear witness to a schmorgasbord of greased palms. All around me are good looking men, the bourgeois upper-class of Rio mixed with the seedy underbelly of the city’s criminal classes, blended together in pursuit of big tits and the best all you can eat buffet this side of the equator.

“Be careful who you talk to, Surely. These are some heavy hitters,” says Izzy, cozying up to a table of men to pour them a bottle of expensive vodka. One of the men in the party seems to know my librarian friend better than the rest, and after a moment of whispering in her ear, he seems receptive to an introduction.

“Mr. Povich, Isabel has told me so much about you,” says a man, dressed dapper in pants that aren’t soaked in urine.

“Do I know you?”

“It’s been years Surely, but indeed we do.

My mind is clouded from jet lag and the psychotropic poison of brazil’s most endangered frog, but still somewhere in my deepest recesses I slowly look past the man’s impeccable tan. That smile. The chai necklace...

“I knew it was you...I recognized those East German ankles from across the club. It’s me, Chip Rosenbaum!”

“Holy shit!” I say, recognizing my old friend. “Chip, what the hell are ya doin’ here?”

“We’ll get to that in a minute.”

“Well...you look great,” I tell him, “and I just gotta say, I'm truly sorry about that thing years back.”

“With Sherri Epstein?”

“Nah, with the soup. Though, I gotta be honest...I still maintain that Silver Diner had the best matzoh ball soup in the entire area at the time.”

“Surely, they never made matzoh ball soup at the Silver Diner...only chicken noodle.”

“Nah, I think you’re mistaken there. They made a wonderful broth. Way better than that shit they served Hofberg’s...not sure why you liked it but hey, that’s your journey, I guess.”

“Surely, that was never what I was mad abou...I...anyway, it’s water under the bridge...or rather, premature ejaculation with Sherri Epstein behind the Hot Shoppes, right?”

“Oh, I don't think that's what happened. I think I made it with her in the family Volvo and that we orgasmed together to completion a whole bunch, no? Anyway, let's let bygones be bygones, eh Chip?”

“Whatever you say, Surely,” says Chip, giving me a clap on the back. “Rest assured, as sure as you jizzed your slacks with Sherri Epstein behind the Hot Shoppes, I forgive you...and I also have your story. But first, a business proposition.”

Imagine this but in bikini form. You get the picture.

I wet my beak with a conga line of coke Chip had procured seemingly out of nowhere. Chip went on to ask me to go into business with him instead of penning a potentially inflammatory story about Rio’s underbelly of vice and crime. I had to admit, like the patented scoop shot that beat Springbrook High at the buzzer back in December ‘76, Chip Rosenbaum had just made one of his classic great points.“It’s a boring story,” I admitted. 

At this, Chip seemed very happy. He showed his joy by handing me several 50 real bank notes with an endangered jaguar printed on the back. I gladly took the money and spent it four and a half seconds later, foisting it affectionately into the garmented string of a nearby sex worker. I don’t think it was a bribe.

“So, Chippy-boy. What’s this big business proposition you got in mind?” “Tell me Surely, what do you know about...American Respectable Burger Yeasayers?”

“You mean...Arbyyyyy’s?...?”

#arbys #charles woodward #bethesda #north bethesda #chevy chase #adrian dantley #brazil #hot shoppes #marriott #danny gatton #premature ejaculation #rio de janeiro #amazon river #ty cobb #city of goddess #shirley povich #surely povich jr #copacabana #international olympic committee #galaeo airport #ping #rockville #maryland