#truly living the life. wish that was me

[ragtag-band-of-murderers]

I'm so soft for the little antarctopelta who found his own cave and slept beneath 'strange living stars'

#prehistoric planet #truly living the life. wish that was me #antarctopelta

[swordheld]

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a. #birdsong. #wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac- #in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really. #i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track. #and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy? #it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that. #how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love. #i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together. #i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too. #the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe. #so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc. #i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

[uselessnbee]

what i wish people would also explore more when it comes to Percy is the other side of his feelings about his mom about family and his childhood but this fandom is too afraid to paint Sally even in the slightest bad light (even if it's not bad just acknowledging her flaws because she's a human being and not perfect) that no one will touch on that subject. like yes Sally is the best mom but she also isn't and that's the thing! She isn't perfect! but she tried her best but her best still got Percy hurt and it isn't her fault at all but that's the tragedy of it. i want Percy's feelings about this explored. how he grew up with a loving mom but an abusive step father. how his step father would humiliate him and call him stupid but then his mom soothed him and told him he's not the things Gabe calls him. how Gabe would hurt him and Sally would be there to make him happy and loved but at the same time she stayed with him. i want Percy's feelings explored about how he knows his mother loves him but her absence still hurt him. she would work so much to have money to raise him she did that for him but at the same time it meant Percy was left alone or with Gabe. Sally gave up so much for him, she sent him away to protect him but at the same time he was sent away from his mom. she's the only parent he has because his father is absent and Gabe is not actually a parental figure at all but she's also often absent in his life too and that must have left him with such mixed feelings because it's not all black and white! Sally's love protected him but also hurt him. Percy loves his mom so so so much but there's also this deep-seated bitterness and hurt and anger he never let himself feel and then the guilt for having those feelings because his mom loves him he knows that and she gave up so much for him and she married a monster that abused her to protect him, he knows that but it doesn't make it hurt any less. the mess his emotions are because he knows his mom suffered for him and did it from her love for him but he still desperately wishes she never married that monster that he wouldn't have to have the childhood he had with him that he wouldn't have to live with the trauma he was left with. this all is exactly what makes their relationship so fascinating and also heartbreaking.

or the idea of Percy having weird mixed feelings after Estelle is born because that's his little sister and he loves her with his whole heart and would do anything for her and wants only the best for her but there's also this little jealous monster deep down that wonders why she gets to have a loving mom and a loving dad and a happy normal life but he never got that. why does she deserve it but not him? why couldn't he have that too? doesn't he deserve that too? he was just a child too so why why why??? and then the guilt of feeling that way too it makes me want to scream. emotions are fucking messy and they can be really ugly and they can make you hate yourself and there's no way Percy's feelings aren't a mess when it comes to this and i want to see it explored so badly!

and with Sally too! her feelings about Percy because she did so much and tried her best but sometimes unfortunately your best isn't good enough and it still got her beloved son hurt and she hates it and feels so guilty but she just has to live with that but she can't help to wish it was different. that their lives would be different. better. normal. she can't help but to wish she didn't have to do the things she's done, didn't have to suffer so much just to protect her child. can't help to wish she didn't have to worry so much, didn't have to be so scared about Percy, didn't have to be terrified that one day he won't come back home to her, that she won't be able to hold her son anymore because he will be gone, she just wishes he didn't have to suffer so much, she just wishes and wishes and wishes

and i just wish people weren't so afraid to explore this because it's so heartwrenching and yes if you want something do it yourself but unfortunately i cannot write nor am i able to handle this topic in a way it deserves so i am left only with rambling about it on here thank you

#i am not trying to victim blame or anything i love Sally and she did her best and didn't deserve any of the crap life gave her #but there's just something so tragic about the fact that she married a vile man and suffered abuse to protect her son #just for her decision to hurt him anyways just in a different way but the only other option would probably be Percy ending up dead #so she can't really truly regret it but she just wishes those weren't their only options #that she didn't have to do this just so that her child could stay alive #thinking about it makes me go feral #they had no choice but to suffer there was no way for their lives to be without this much hurt and trauma and it's terrible #and they didn't deserve it but there was so much love too #but the horrible thing is that that love just wasn't enough to save them from all that pain and i need to be sedated bye #percy jackson #sally jackson #pjo #hoo #percy and sally #percy jackon and the olympians #whatever you do don't think about a six years old lonely Percy sitting in a corner waiting for his mom to come back home from work #and he knows she loves him but he misses her so much when she spends so much time in work and that hurts #don't think about a ten years old Percy being sent away to a boarding school and he knows his mom loves him #but what if she's sending him away because he's just too much? or not enough? and what if she doesn't want him anymore? #and he knows that's not true but what if? #i'm thinking it #okay i think that's enough

[aibidil]

Oh, friends. I'm sitting here with my dog dying on my lap. Send us some love and strength?

#he's 15 and has truly wrung every second out of life #he was diagnosed with kidney disease 3 years ago #a stroke 2 years ago #one year ago he was so anemic the vet thought he would die within weeks #each time he laughed in the face of death and kept living his good life #so there's really nothing to regret or wish different and I wish we could all have lives as full and charmed as his #but he's been with us since he was 8 weeks old and seen me through so much shit #he's also a complete asshole 💜 #and so many of my daily routines are shaped around him #so it's not just losing him it's losing the entire shape of our lives for 15 years #pet loss #cw pet death #pet death #cw pet loss

[queenlucythevaliant]

'Yes, that old oak with which I saw eye to eye was here in this forest,' thought Prince Andrei. 'But whereabouts?' he wondered again, looking at the left side of the road and, without realizing, without recognizing it, admiring the very oak he sought. The old oak, quite transfigured, spread out a canopy of dark, sappy green, and seemed to swoon and sway in the rays of the evening sun. There was nothing to be seen now of knotted fingers and scars, of old doubts and sorrows. Through the rough, century-old bark, even where there were no twigs, leaves had sprouted, so juicy, so young that it was hard to believe that aged veteran had borne them.

'Yes, it is the same oak,' thought Prince Andrei, and all at once he was seized by an irrational, spring-like feeling of joy and renewal. All the best moments of his life of a sudden rose to his memory. Austerlitz, with that lofty sky, the reproachful look on his dead wife's face, Pierre at the ferry, that girl thrilled by the beauty of the night, and that night itself and the moon and ... everything suddenly crowded back into his mind.

'No, life is not over at thirty-one,' Prince Andrei decided all at once, finally and irrevocably. 'It is not enough for me to know what I have in me- everyone else must know it too: Pierre, and that young girl who wanted to fly away into the sky; all of them must learn to know me, in order that my life may not be lived for myself alone.

From War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

#there are so many gorgeous passages in W&P that i could pick #why not this one in which Andrei reflects on several of them? #I've already talked about the Natasha and the moon passage on this blog. truly one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever read in any book #but part of what's so interesting about that scene is that we actually get it from Andrei's perspective. he's listening below the window #and overhearing Natasha that night is really what makes him love her #it's what made /me/ love her #and he carries that experience with him alongside his own experience looking up at the sky on the battlefield at Austerlitz #Napoleon himself sees Andrei and commends his courage but Andrei barely notices because the sky is so so beautiful #the lofty heavens which he never really considered before #but Natasha did #and so it's those moments his friendship with Pierre this old oak that renew his lust for life #life is not over at thirty. once i heard a girl exclaim at the loveliness of the moon and wish to fly away. #once i lay on a battlefield and all i could see was the beauty of the sky #and my friend Pierre believes in the future and he's searching it out #and look. this tree is still here #first time i read W&P i was honestly so relieved that so many people got happy endings the tragedy of Andrei's death didn't fully register #i mean the chapters concerning his death are beautiful and sad. the kinship between Natasha and Maria at his bedside #the peace he finds as he dies #but it really is a story in which he had decided to live fully only to die young. and that's become increasingly tragic to me as I've grown #happy birthday tolstoy #russia where are you flying to? #pontifications and creations

[bestbonnist]

Nothing important to add or something. This panel just made me feel like crying..

Totally... also the way March says "Fushi hasn't felt like this in a while," implying that they regularly enter into depressive spells and question whether their life has any meaning. And when she mentioned that they don't feel like that as often when they're able to remember Yuuki... I'm going to explode into a geyser of tears.

#yuuki's death messed me up so bad even though it happened off-screen and was deliberately made to be as pleasant as possible. fushi doesn't #even mourn him because there's no reason to mourn someone who lived a full and happy life! that's really good! but the way they keep using #yuuki's house as a place to come home to. a place that made them feel safe. a place that they can replicate but that they can never truly #recapture because the people who made it safe for them (yuuki. aiko. kazumitsu) are no longer alive. #fumetsu no anata e #fnae spoilers #fnae anime spoilers #fnae manga spoilers #wish era #operation crab #chapter 182.2 #original post

[dragonlights]

Like I don't Post about drama but vis a vis predestro's Tumblr ban, like. I don't necessarily think it's a good thing that we on the Internet have become so desensitized to threats of violence that we use them as jokes, but like.... That's been Tumblr culture for, what, a decade now? At least four years. Almost definitely longer.

And like. I've seen so much worse. Folks admitting to sending asks telling others to kill themselves!! Folks outright wishing x/y person killed themselves!!! Folks harassing trans folks (esp. trans women!)

But what gets this one lady banned was her man door hammer hand car boom-ass post???

Like, talk about enforcing the TOS from the wrong angle.

I totally get that part of it is "this person had their rule breaking reported en masse so something happened" but shouldn't the severity of the response have more to do with the severity of the offense, rather than how many people reported that user?

Like. The fact that we have to do mass reports to get anything to happen to anyone is ridiculous.

And, the fact that INCORRECT mass reports aren't punished more is also ridiculous.

There's also no report function for discriminatory content, or for seeing users harass each other. So... If you're not the one being harassed, your report does... Nothing??

Unless you, what scroll through someone's blog looking for things you could report as threatening violence??

On the "I hope every politician dies" webbed site???

There's obviously something fucky with their reporting system- either the way that reports are handled, or the way the severity of the reports are being judged.

Cause right now, it looks like they got a flood of reports from TERFs, photomatt saw a post about him, and went "well, fuck it, get her out of here" without looking at the context of HER BEING HARASSED FOR AGES. And that the post in question- the only one I saw shared!- was almost certainly a vent post for Said Situation that was...

Comically mishandled?

Like this one?

Like. Look. Do I think maybe at some point, on the "way too comfortable with violence on people I see as Wrong in some way" webbed site, a popular user said something that could actually be construed as a threat, and due to rampant transmisogyny got, got her shit reported?

Yeah, I can see that.

I don't follow her blog too closely, I know she does a lot of hyperbolic stuff. (as is Done on this Web site, again... I've almost certainly rb'd things just as bad)

But the example photomatt uses is hilariously bad and so obviously not a threat, and one would think, IN LIGHT OF THERE BEING ALLEGATIONS OF TRANSPHOBIA ON THEIR TEAM FOR YEARS, THEY WOULD BRING OUT A MORE CREDIBLE PIECE OF EVIDENCE THAN A LOONY-TOONS ASS DEATH WISH.

Just. The bar was on the ground and they still fumbled It! Fucking! Amazing!

#dragontalk #i don't like all her views on transandrophobia. but her takes on the ways trans women are policed are spot on. #but seeing this shitshow is wild! I've followed thia lady for ages and she's like. Intense but fine? #again. i don't follow her blog too closely! there might be more harsh shit that I'd never seen! #but. mostly i see a lady who's had to fight constantly. in a way lots of trans women have. to be taken seriously. #not as a threat. not as a joke. not as a hypothetical. but as a person! who's experience this like. #really shitty intersection of transphobia and transmisogyny and probably regular misogyny and like. l #i think most of us would get pretty snippy at that point too #and given we exist in a culture way too comfortable with wishing violence on people... yeah. #most of us would have wished ~someone~ got hit with a falling grand piano or an anvil or stepped on a rake so hard they died #just. truly wild times we live in. #maybe i should start a collection of 'this post wishes violence on someone' #maybe even narrow it to 'violence on someone who hasn't upheld state sanctioned violence during their life' #to cut out the ronald Reagan margeret thatcher queen lady ass violence wishes #which i can't even bring myself to care about. and that says something about me o don't think i like. but like. #but at the aame time too much colonial ass violence in this world. I'm Tired.

[dumbass-bisexual]

I’m currently high on my couch building the orchid lego set my gf got me for Christmas and tbh life is pretty good

#aka living my best life #winter break truly is one of the best parts of being a teacher #i also had a good day!!! #I worked out and washed the new pots and pan set we got #and I set up my new laptop #and I’m glad I made myself start this Lego set instead of sitting on my phone #me:1 adhd:0 #I’m planning on working out again tm and then going grocery shopping #so wish me luck with that #personal #julianne speaks

[eternal-reverie]

Something in the back of my mind has been bothering me for a long while, and I figured out what it was. I have this tendency of censoring myself when I speak? I dance around a subject, which I keep hinting at, but never explicitly say what I want to say, and when someone doesn’t pick up on that, I get disappointed when they don’t help me open up to the topic.

#the disappointment deepens and I guess the fear of truly opening up of showing my self flaws and all is scary #in short I’m scared to have an opinion!!! #also when people ask me what I’m into reading to watching oh man I feel the pressure to pitch it and possibly defend it #and instead I just vaguely share what it’s about for the sake of not spoiling the experience #then the envy I feel when other ppl share wholeheartedly what they love and take their time with it explaining #and they explain it so clearly and I wish I could do that #click clack #the problem was so vague it’s taken me awhile to discern #I’m guessing this all stems from being made fun of or dismissed for my interests 😔 #a long time ago but the effects still linger #the fear of being perceived is all wrapped in me #I do the same thing here. it bleeds to all the ways of socializing this day and age #I wish I were one of those ppl who have a more lively social life online and talking to ppl regularly #but my first instinct to a message is to close the notification and leave it for later because it’s so intimidating!!! #it feels like I have to perform an image that’s guaranteed to be liked rather than just be me authentically #ok I got to the crux phewwww uhhh lol got all my vulnerabilities out in the middle of the night

[antisisyphus]

.

#its very difficult for me to deal w these new feelings of depression & (passive) suicidal ideation that dont stem from mental illness #but just abject despair from the world around me. #how can i want to live in a world where suffering and loss and evilness has permeated every corner of life? #when my existence depends on the suffering of others & there truly is no way for me to stop #sure i can mitigate it somewhat. but every coffee i drink has been touched by slaves and underpaid workers #by children abused by the system. that i stand atop of #when the fruit i eat has been picked by people who only want to live in peace and comfort yet who are hunted by my goverment #i dont want to die. i want to be alive so much. but it is almost unbearable to live like this. #i can only say that this feeling wont last forever #that tomorrow i will live in the same world i have always lived in and yet i will be capeable of hope and joy #i wish i could go out and lay down in the road and dissolve in the rain #okay. #okay #soon nathaniel will be over and i wont be alone

[girlthingdecay]

.

#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted #everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought #everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it #i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based #off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting #beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from #you #i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless #i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely #selfish one #if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around #if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats #if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know #maybe something could be manifested into me #everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of #me true and maybe then id exist fully #until then oh well #though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix” #me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort #i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me #sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now

[tallymali]

i know this is a terrible awful ungrateful thing to say. but i sincerely hate my illness for not being terminal.

#i no longer have days when i wish to continue living #i went through all the childhood trauma and the failed suicide attempts #and i worked my ass off in therapy to get to a point where my brain was not a terrible place to live #and i sincerely felt happy about living and having a future #and then this happened. #and i dont know if i will ever live normally again #theres a chance im just gonna spend the rest of my life trapped inside my house numb from pain #so like. for the people who ask when im gonna post on onlyfans/reddit/whatever again: i dont know #i know you’re not asking that in an unkind way #i know its a compliment #but i truly dont know if ill even still be alive in a years time #i dont want to kms but i also dont have it in me to live my life like this #so yeah my answer to everything is i dont know and idk if i ever will know #sorry this is fuckin grim.

[gideonisms]

Okay okay final degree paperwork finalized I THINK and I THINK I get to just move downstairs for $50 cheaper. So now I just need to focus on jobs & getting this place spotless

#i don't want to jinx myself #idk why this whole process has been so drawn out #well i do know. because i was in mental hell much of that time and my executive function has been near catastrophic failure from birth ♥️ #but when you think about it this is an inspiring tale! girl with no sense and very little ability to withstand life's trials #nevertheless achieves complete mediocrity rather than just dying #proud to be a girlfailure whose greatest ambition is to live in mediocre apartment with a cat and enough to eat #finish my fics and then one day self publish a series of niche novels written specifically for wlw who liked the x files and trc #but wished they had more dysfunctional lesbians #one day get the stains out of my rug and repaint where i have heat damage on the hood of my car #truly just want to be kind of lonely stuck in bad jobs that nevertheless pay me enough to eat and give me enough time to walk in the park #those are the problems i want to move on to

[theotherrichardpapen]

nigel & alex - to be haunted by your love

henri nouwen // like minds (2006) // death - melanie martinez // pope alexander - crywank // her mother's kiss - eugene carriere // sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you - catarine hancock // the song of achilles - madeline miller // achilles lamenting the death of patroclus - gavin hamilton // lee martens

#am i happy with this? no. am i posting anyway? you bet your ass i am #another largely experimental post so take it with a grain of salt #honestly i could've just posted the achilles comparison part on its own and liked it better #cause that's really the part i wanted to get to #BUT the song lyrics are so load-bearing to this post. they started the whole thing. so it didn't feel right kicking them to the curb #so you get the whole shamozle lmao #anyway this post is more or less a take on the idea of when people say no one ever truly dies so long as your memory of them lives on #so long as you always carry your love for them in your heart #and how it's always meant to be a good thing you know? a positive thing #but what happens when it's not. what happens when their memory is a weight you drag forward? when that love is a haunting #when an absence becomes a presence in of itself #and you wish you could be rid of it. but you can't. and now they're in everything you do. they're everywhere you go #a permeation over every aspect of your life? how are you supposed to handle that kind of feeling #in the end this was more or less me scratching an itch wondering what life for alex was like after nigel was gone #and how fundamentally nigel does end up gaining immortality by living on in alex's memory #and arguably by becoming a part of him too #maybe my brain just hasn't fully recovered yet from being sick 🤡 #like minds #murderous intent #nigel colbie #alex forbes #web weave #quotes

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️ #sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

[thebirdandhersong]

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#as a side note i had a moment of horrid irony when i thought suddenly that I WISHED mr knight were there #because he was at the vigil last year and used to be a part of my church. and i suddenly missed all my old housemates #who were here last year! went to hug people during the peace and a good friend asked if i was okay #i was like 😭😭😭😭 not really and then turned around and SAW the boy and was like well this is a twist in the plot i truly dont care for #anyway all's well i just cried buckets more my heart's been wrung OUT #he lives fae away. he was not supposed to come. anyway he did and i shook his hand formally because he offered to (???) #*far away #it was totally bizarre #he did not stay for long which. thank God. i wouldve been so much more tired if he had #but he wished me happy birthday which irked me because we'd had an unspoken agreement to not wish each other happy birthday (for fear of #mixed signals) which. happened i guess #it was INCREDIBLY bizarre. the safest ive ever felt in my life was when he was holding me #and now he's a familiar stranger i know too well whom i dont WANT to know #anyway it has been a heartwrenching and soul draining Lent and past six months or more and i was ready to cry #and so i did. bawled like a baby after certain readings and songs. cried and cried and cried #re: reasons for that concerning the ex boyfriend: it is SO weird and i dont know how to deal with it #like. i still have so much love that it feels like grief and the grief bleeds into that love too #but that love isnt for HIM anymore or at least not the person i found he was. so now it really does have nowhere to go #ANYHOW IT'S LATE BUT THE POINT IS. HE IS RISEN AND THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS #THAN SEEING YOUR EX BOYFRIEND AT CHURCH AND BEING LIKE ?????? HUH????????