#trying so hard not to hate myself rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sketchy-tour · 3 months

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Aa realizing I'm probably just gonna have to be okay with posting sketches more often.

As much as I love pouring my heart into a piece and showing it off, I am simply not in the headspace nor have the energy to juggle big pieces and everything else.

Aa

#text post #just rambling #more like speaking into the void #haha aaa #i hate giving up on my vision but ya kno. stressing myself out for art defeats the purpose for me #a hard thing to be okay with #but im dealing with! a lot rn #so haha art cannot be an added stress or i will die /exag #im doing my best and thats okau #ill be alright btw. dont worry too too much!!!#trying so hard not to need a break #i dont wanna break :(((((#just wanna be okay #augh #anyway pity party over #insert toothless dancing gif now

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pangur-and-grim · 2 years

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Anzu isn’t improving like I’d hoped on this medication. if she still hasn’t shown progress by tomorrow, I think it might be best to euthanize her.

#she's scared of me now because I've been medicating her. which is honestly heartbreaking #because usually she's the bird that runs across the yard to see me #it's also upsetting because I know that the trip to the vet for euthanasia would be very stressful for her.#and I'd hate for her to end her life hurting and scared #but I don't know how to do cervical dislocation and don't trust myself not to botch it #it's hard choosing the 'do the least harm' route when they all seem to cause harm #I'm also on a sharp work deadline rn so am fully crying over a chicken while trying to draw straight lines

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hybridkilljoys · 8 months

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I've been an absolute emotional wreck since last night due to my narcissist father making me feel less than human so can i..........ask for some reassurance that i'm not an absolute failure of a human being

or pictures of your cats, that would help a lot too

#its been months of dealing with his abuse and last night it left me feeling worse than ever and i am just #really exhausted and mentally broken rn #and i hate asking for reassurance because I always feel like a bother and I should just deal with shit myself until it passes #but when i say last night was bad it was bad and i feel like i am not even meant to be alive that is how that man made me feel #so i just wanna be selfish this one time #and ask for spare kindness because i could really use it right now because my feelings arent going away #no matter how hard im trying to distract myself today and i dont have the strenght to stay like this for a week or more #so yeah #gomen for rambling in the tags im just really #idfk embarrassed and ashamed i dont like asking for help i feel dumb even tho i know its not dumb but yeah #txt

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felix-lupin · 8 months

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I hate going to the dentist or the doctor's or whatever because every single time they're like

"And how often do you brush your teeth?"

And I'm really really bad at forming habits. Absolute garbage at it. It's really hard for me to start doing something and then maintain it as routine, and that's if I even REMEMBER to do it. IF I even remember, I still need to scrounge up the motivation to do it. I've never in my life been able to maintain a routine of brushing my teeth twice a fucking day, but there's been a few times where, with enough effort, I've been able to maintain a routine of once a day.

So I look at them, and I'm like, "I brush my teeth about once a day," and I'm proud of myself, a little, because I know it was really hard for me to get there, and once a day is better than nothing, right?

But they look at me, and every time they're like, "Well, you really should be brushing your teeth twice a day." And any amount of pride I might've had is gone, washed away and drowned out by shame, instead, because even my best isn't good enough. Even when I've managed to get something, they look at me and they're like "You should do more."

And they'll lecture me on it, tell me that once a day isn't enough. They'll tell me to at least try to brush my teeth twice a day, not once, and they'll present it like it's such a reasonable request. Like, this is the bare minimum, this isn't hard to do, it's easy, you should at least try to do it.

And because the shame is too much, and I don't want to look like I'm not trying, because I AM, I'm trying my best, and I don't want to say no because then it'll look like I'm just lazy, not willing to put in the effort. So I'll say okay, and I'll agree. And when I go home, I brush my teeth and maybe I'll brush my teeth twice a day for two or three days, and then I'll miss it. It's too emotionally/slash mentally draining to keep up the habit, or I didn't have the time, or some other reason, but I'll miss it.

And then, instead of being able to go back to brushing my teeth once a day, keeping that small, basic thing so that I have at least some upkeep on my teeth, I feel so much shame and dejection, I feel like such a useless failure, that I just.. Stop. I stop doing even that basic upkeep. I don't brush my teeth for fucking months, until it gets bad enough that they start to hurt and even then I'm like, why should I even try to get back into the habit? It's not worth it. It's not enough. It'll never be enough.

My best will never be enough for those people. I'll brush my teeth once a day, and they'll say, well, it should really be twice a day, as if I don't already know. I'll clean a small portion of my room, organize my desk or take out the trash or clean the closet, and they'll say, well, you should really clean the whole thing. I'll walk for twenty or thirty minutes while my legs hurt nearly the whole time, and then it gets bad enough I have to sit down, and they'll say, well, you really shouldn't sit here or you're wasting time or come on, it's not even that long, you should be able to walk for this long. or you're being dramatic, just believe in yourself!

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my needs being dismissed, my best efforts being dismissed as not good enough when it's so hard for me to do that much. I hate it, and I hate how even though I know that I'm trying my goddamn best I can't fully erase the shame, not truly. It sits in the back of my brain like a parasite, eating away at my motivation to do things, to try my best. Consuming it until the shame just crushes and paralyzes me, and then I can't get myself to do anything like that at all, can't even try to put in the bare minimum, let alone my best. Because my best isn't good enough, will never be good enough, and it'll never get rid of the shame.

#felix's posts #felixlupin.txt #vent post #ok to reblog #ableism #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #executive dysfunction #We're not even gonna get into the physical stuff that makes it hard to perform tasks rn #Shame is awful and it is not a productive emotion the ONLY thing shame does #is make you HATE yourself and discourage you from ever trying again #FUCK shame.#fuck ableism #this post is brought to you by #the dentist appointment i had today mixed with my past experiences ive had with dentists</3 #I'm trying so hard not to care #and to keep doing these things and taking care of myself #but its so fucking hard when everyone tells you it isnt enough.#its so hard to be your own biggest cheerleader. to keep trying to encourage yourself #and ignore the people that tell you that you aren't enough.#Its so hard to be an optimist. To constantly try to look on the bright side and be proud of your efforts #Its so fucking hard to love yourself. I'm trying but it's so fucking hard

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oscillating-fan-whore3 · 1 month

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I dont think anyone actually likes me. I try too hard for no reason.

#im pathetic with people who i rlly want to please #i try and i try and i try and then no one ever cares i put my heart and soul into everything i try so fucking hard to be liked and no one #cares if i just died right now would anyone even be bothered to come to a funeral #if i killed myself tonight would anyone really care #i know where rhe meds are ive done this research i know how many it wpuld take to kill me i just want to stop trying so hard and hurting for #five fucking minutes idec abt being skinny rn i just need it all to stop i hate myself i hate myself i fucking hate myself #i wish someone woudl just fucking kill me i really wish #imagine how easy itd be idk #gnna try and get drunk soon idk i wanna try jt out b4 i give in and do drugs or somethin #vent post

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smute · 4 months

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big epiphany you guys. big. huge.

#cliffnotes for context: smute almost finish masters. smute think oh‚ maybe phd not crazy wacko shit‚ maybe i can try #but smute also low self esteem. with any small setback - smute think oh what is point. smute bound to fail #problem is: smute genuine self doubt = smute quotidian frustration #ok normal english now #so thats what i realized today. a lot of the ''small'' things i dream of (financial independence‚ a nice little apartment etc) are #expressions of some low level frustration with my nomadic broke student life #rather than genuine desires. and as dumb or as #duh #obvious as that may sound rn #its actually huge for me that i was able to recognize the difference today #this question of what i will do after i graduate has been haunting me for the past year #and i am now realizing that a lot of my own arguments have nothing to do with what i want #just because they're things i don't currently have doesn't mean they would be fulfilling #and #again. duh.#but like. between this debilitating self doubt and certain external pressures 🤨 it was hard to see the difference #anyway i basically just explored some alternative scenarios today #like specific scenarios. went on indeed found some really good stuff and tried to imagine my life a year from now if i took this or that jo #and the end result was that i fucking hated it. they were all great options on paper but the takeaway was that i would never forgive myself #if i didnt give this a try. if i prioritized some vague notion of independence or this idea of ''settling down'' or whatever the fuck #over the one thing that ive got going for me #like i still don't know if the academic path will be any more fulfilling than some other job #god knows my entire academic career so far has been an insane uphill battle. but it's also been so fucking rewarding. like nothing else #and i also still dont know how genuine this wish is #if it's not maybe still about proving myself to some imaginary authority #but like. how long can you psychoanalyze yourself before your goddamn head explodes #no matter how pure my motivation is im beginning to understand that i dont want this to be the end of the road #and maybe that's enough #&

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calkale · 5 months

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guys ngl. i am at my limit

#i hate feeling like im stupid because i cant do online class for the third year in a row #and im not even in college or uni so it doesnt feel like im actually getting anywhere or doing something that matters #its just the same fucking thing every day and it has been for years #and there arent even little things that make it okay there is quite literally nothing good in my life rn and there hasnt been for months #i cant even go to school in the fall no matter if i get in or not and because of that im so unmotivated and tired #im trying really hard to stay positive but its hard when you have no one in your life #love my online friends obvi but its not what i need rn i need people i get along with and can be myself around in person #but im trapped here #and theres nothing i can do about it #and sorry for the personal rant but i feel like shit

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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 months

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OCD is pretty common among autistic people, and many of us who dont have full-on OCD may experience some things that can be kinda similar to some aspects of it. I'm on the spectrum myself and i also have this issue of basically getting stuck on some thoughts. It sucks, sometimes it's something that makes me angry but doesnt actually matter that much in the grand acheme of things and i just end up in a bad mood over something stupid and cant stop thinking abt it for a few days even though there are no new thoughts about it, i just keep going through old ones again and again and again. I dont know if there's a term for it, but hey, at least I'm not the only one, and neither are you. Generally i just look for distractions and wait until the thoughts get less obsessive and annoying

That makes sense, thanks!

#logically i kno theres a spectrum of experience from autistic restrictive and repetitive behavior to full on ocd and im an ecologists so i #kno natrue does not give a damn abt human boxes and labels but unfortunately if u give me a set of labels i will obsessively try to parse #out what fits into what best and it drives me nuts. which is probably part of why i fall into the 0cd side of things. all of my thoughts #tend to b looping a repetitive and it makes me freak the fuck out lol. im also supposed to ground myself and move on which is hard to do #rn i think abt ice floating down a channel. floating down the northwest passage bc im again an obsessional freak #but that seems to help a bit lowering my distress. i need to pull myself out of my own head and into the present. mindfulness as my #therapist would say. and im trying but its hard and i hate it lol. eventually itll get easier tho. one hopes at least #to b fair im way more chill abt this categorical debate than parsing whether or not im bip0lar lol bc that comes with meds #and im spectacular at talking myself out of medication and i kno that and the doctors kno that but they dont say it directly and im like bro #its fine i kno what ur thinking and ur right but also im insane in a way that makes me ridiculously well informed so im a disaster #i walk in like im colaborating on a research project which tbh is probably a good thing bc i hold all the info #unrelated

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biolums · 11 months

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