#trying to limit myself in who to tag by hoping that mutuals will tag other mutuals | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

soulrph · 1 year

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hiii i'm new ( in a way ) to twitters rpc and idk how to ,,, exist here ??? like ,,, idk hiw to explain it 😭

hi my angel! do you mean twitter or tumblr? because i have exactly zero experience with twitter, but i'm also gonna be presumptuous as hell and assume it's tumblr! so here we go! i'm going to add a list of terms and definitions below the cut, so bear with me, and i may do a part 2 of this bc like. lads. ladies. legends. the tumblr rpc is terrifying and complicated for new friends. it's still terrifying and complicated for everyone, really, but we just adjusted! i digress:

literally everyone you will ever meet on this site has been where you are. it's a daunting experience to try and exist on a new site, especially if you have limited experience or contact with friends on this site, too! i knew one person who helped me adjust to the site, and after that, i was on my own!

i spent my first six months figuring out rules, icons, and my bio page for my character. that seems like a long time, but i started my blog, recklessly, during my first year of college! it took six months to figure out what rules i wanted for myself. did i have any triggers or squicks? did i have any banned fandoms or characters? i explained my limited activity, i added my age, my alias, my timezone, and basic things like that, but most of my inspiration actually came from reading other people's rules pages!

whenever i followed new people, i made sure to read their rules page first. now, nobody is going to expect you to remember EVERY SINGLE RULES PAGE you ever read! that's crazy! you might read a hundred different lists of rules and more, and you're human, so you will forget things! but the rules pages often include an age limit lately. so, "don't follow if you're under eighteen/twenty one/twenty five/etc." is a popular thing, you absolutely HAVE to obey that, and if they add more requests, like "don't follow if you're part of X fandom, or if you use these face claims, or if you write this character", or "don't follow me if you write with these blogs". you do need to follow those, but here's the good news: you make that decision the minute you see the blog. you don't need to remember those rules further down the line, aside from the banned blogs, and then you just look back over some rules. but i firmly believe that nobody should be taking offence over people forgetting some of the rules they read. i have 300 mutuals on my blog; you think i'm gonna remember 300 rules pages??? not a hope!

now. once you follow someone, and they follow you back, you are mutuals. you are NOT mutuals if you follow them, and they don't follow back, or if you don't follow them, but they follow you! similarly, you are NOT obligated to follow absolutely everyone who follows you! follow the people you find interesting and who have good vibes! don't let the rules pages scare you away; many people use a different tone of language in their rules pages to express the seriousness of following the rules, but beyond the rules page, they're actually perfectly lovely!

now! for things like icons and graphics? you don't actually need them. you don't need a promo, really, either. fortunately for us all, tumblr is entering an era where icons are just like, a nice extra bit. they don't really do anything. they're just pretty pictures of our characters to add a little something to our replies in threads. (again, my beloved, these definitions will be below the readmore thing, so don't stress yourself over the definitions!)

and now for the actual roleplay bit! so on this blog, and many other meme source blogs, we provide short and long lists of writing prompts for the rpc and writers to inspire some threads or passages of writing. in addition to this, there are starter calls! they're very useful, you just make a little post that says "like this post and i'll tag you in a starter!" and then if someone likes the post, you can write them a little starting point for a thread. so, my other blog will be used as an example: if @soulprompts liked a starter call, i would write them a little thing (it can be a one-liner or a paragraph or however long you like!) and tag them by using the @ button, and then their url. so in this case, my url is soulmemes, their url is soulprompts, so it's @soulprompts . like that! then they reply, and i reply, and the resulting series of replies will be called a thread!

now! my final addition here, before this post gets too long, is this: many people use features known as @xkit-extension-blog and @new-xkit-extension to adjust their experiences of the dash. you should download both of them, and you should download "EDITABLE REBLOGS" on the normal xkit, and "MUTUAL CHECKER" on the new xkit. it's very easy to do that! these just make it easier to trim your threads and to see who's following you back, respectively. i can add another post if you want me to, my angel, this is very rushed and i'm worried it's too much information at once!

GLOSSARY!

RULES PAGE: a page where you keep your rules for your blog! many people use google docs for this, and add a link to a pinned post at the top of their blog for ease of use. these rules are variable and depend on your preferences! they should include an age, an alias, maybe some pronouns, and any off-limits content. so "i don't want to write angst", or "don't interact with me if you write any characters from this fandom" or something like that. honestly, if you read other rules pages, they're very very useful in terms of guidance to making your own page!

BIO PAGE: a page where you provide information about your character! if your character is an original character, i.e. your own creation, not found in any public lore, then you need to provide information so people can educate themselves about your character! it doesn't need to be overly long; you can list the important things and add to it as you go along!

VERSES: so most, if not all characters have different verses. so if you take shrek as an example, some verses for shrek could be "before the first shrek movie" or "during the first shrek movie" and so on, so forth. many people get very creative with these, so you could have your character enter new fandoms! so, to keep using shrek as an example, shrek might have a marvel verse, where he's a mutant who turns down an offer to work with professor xavier and proceeds to tend to an onion farm in his swamp while more mutants turn to him for help. it can be wild and wacky or it can be serious, it doesn't matter, once you like the verses!

MUSE/MUN: you are a mun! a mun is the person behind the blog, the real life person who turns on their computer and logs into tumblr. i am also a mun! your muse is your character! so in this example, my muse is hypothetically shrek. some people write on multi-muse blogs, where they write more than one muse!

ORIGINAL CHARACTER/CANON CHARACTER: canon characters are characters who are established in publicly available lore. like shrek! shrek and fiona are canon characters! but if i decided to write another muse in the morning, shrek's sister, re-shrek-a, then she's considered an original character, because she is not established in the public lore of shrek. she is made up entirely by me, so she's my original creation, hence an original character, or OC.

ICONS/PROMOS/BANNERS/GRAPHICS: basically some people are insanely talented at photoshop and whatnot, and they make little images of their character's face claim or some banners to title their posts with. icons can be any size at all! icons and other graphics aren't necessary, if you don't want to make them, that's fine! some people run commission blogs where you can give them money and they'll make you icons and banners and promo graphics for you, if that's more up your alley!

STARTERS/PLOTS/SHIPS: a starter is the starting point of a thread, a plot is something that takes place between you and your writing partner where you decide what will happen in a thread together, and a ship is a relationship between two muses; it can be platonic, romantic, enemies, anything at all! starter calls are posts you make where people like the post and you can make those people some starters. plotting calls are the same, but if someone likes the post, you can chat to them to discuss some plots together! shipping calls are the same, but instead of starters and plots, people who like the post are free to discuss the possibility of a ship with your muse!

MEMES/PROMPTS: finally, memes and prompts are the same thing. they're lists of writing prompts to inspire threads with new friends! i write a bunch of them here and on @soulpromptsts ! there are many meme blogs, however, such as @leneemusing and @ohisms and @nightprompts to name just a few!

#ooc.#long post tw #reply.#cinnanon roll.#( i'm suddenly nervous that i didn't answer ur question my darling )#( pls let me know if i misunderstood! )

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twotangledsisters · 8 months

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Hope you're feeling better! I just wanted to say that maybe try to remember that many of the big or notable names of content creators, specifically artists on tumblr for the tts fandom, are also active on other sites. I know people say over and over to not compare your art to others, but some of these people have been online for yearssss, thus building a community for those years as well! And also with your recent art doing so well, I have no doubt you'll be right up with those groups of names in the future!

Oh wow, thank you so much for these kinds words! I'm not exaggerating when I say I teared up! I always feel amazingly touched when people take the time to be this nice!

And I completely agree and understand! I don't really compare myself to big names in the fandom. I do (and shouldn't) sometimes end up comparing myself to smaller creators who I'm mutuals with.

But a lot of my anxiety comes from a series of overthinking. 'Oh, nobody re-blogged this piece, is it because I posted it at a bad time? Is the art ugly? Or is it because they can't be seen interacting with me because somebody somewhere is talking about how I'm a horrible person?'

A very unreasonable and sudden jump. I am 100% working on it!

It's just a lot harder for me to get back into tumblr compared to other sites, both because of an experience I had with it when I was a teenager... and because of the more recent hate I received on this account (the anon asks for those who remember...).

I don't really aspire to be a big name! Mostly cause big names aren't as approachable and my goal is more to chat about the show I love? Something that I think would be harder if people weren't approaching me?

But the smile it brings to my face that you think I could be one! See, now you're inspiring me to want to draw even more!

But anyway, ending on your first statement (order, what's that?):

Hope you're feeling better!

I am! I'm still limiting my access to tumblr. It's off the phone and I have to log in every time on pc so as to make sure I'm only coming in when in a good mindset.

But I'm still making sure to log in every so often to check messages and stuff I've been tagged in, post art if I have some and feel up to it.

I am definitely feeling better. And I hope to keep on track and be back to my usual self sooner rather than later :D

I'm in a bit of a shy bubble right now but I do look forward to talking to people on here again soon!

Thankyou again for the kind words! I know this answer was long and... well, a bit rambly! I probably should work on that too! But I'm super grateful!

#ask answered #genuinely thank you #some weeks kind words just hit really hard #in a good way

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onelungmcclung · 2 months

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so, as mentioned, as a result of a persistent tumblr error, I've been trying out a private dreamwidth journal for a personal project and... I like it so much more?

my focus isn't constantly assailed by dashboard/blog notifications; the chances of being shown casual antisemitism are nil. I found a mobile-friendly layout in one of the resource communities (tbf the standard layouts may work on mobile, but I didn't like any of them enough). I can still post images and even gif sets. I can post and organise my vast number of research texts. I can cross-reference to my heart's delight. it saves draft posts. you can put multiple cut tags in the same entry. the tags are much better organised and easy to rename. they're all in the sidebar! and there is a tags page! you can pin two posts (more with paid accounts). I can set the default access level (public/friends/private) for the whole journal. there are good comment controls. there is image storage (public/friends/private). there’s also the benefit of the memories feature (public/friends/private) for saving posts. logging in doesn't take me to a feed of updates from my contacts; I have to go to the /reading page to seek them out, which is far better for my concentration. you can send direct messages to other users. there are no ads or algorithms. the faq section is pretty comprehensive and easy to navigate. perhaps most importantly, it doesn't break my fucking posts. I love it, I feel saner already, and I may upgrade to a paid account to help keep them afloat.

(^ photographer tags in my sidebar vs tag page. so tidy.)

(^ leaving notes to myself in the readmore links)

the only thing I miss about tumblr is the archive page and being able to filter that by post type/tag. and having sideblogs is a lot easier than having to switch accounts (ig this is why LJers used to create communities for their fic/graphics and limit them to mod-only posting; you can create as many communities as you like). for whatever reason, the rich text editor on DW is not working for me and I intermittently hit 403 error pages (it works after I hit refresh; irritating, and I hope they fix it, but not a dealbreaker). I don't mind using the html editor; I'm used to them, and frankly they tend to be more reliable. there is no mobile app for DW but that too may be advantageous (fewer distractions). so I can't post on mobile as easily, but I can still access the curated information while on the go if necessary. some things take a little longer to post but that is fine.

I have liked sideblogs as a way to organise research projects, but it is always an uphill battle. pages don't work on the app anymore, trying to access tumblr via mobile web is for stronger people than I, and so I have to pin long posts full of internal links in order to navigate everything I've curated. and now those are more or less un-editable.

(^ from my lovely archive page. RIP.)

I originally ended up on tumblr bc LJ was going dead and tumblr was where everyone was migrating, but there's a very real possibility that the LJ/DW interface is the one I'm conditioned to. apart from being organised and efficient and non-distracting, it's also a more satisfying, slower paced way of interacting with people: it's geared towards writing more than images and so functions more as a journalling/penpal kind of thing; the only way to interact is to write comments or DMs. (I have a friend who is now part of an international friend/meetup group with her old LJ mutuals. the bonds of pseudonymous penpalship are strong.)

obviously we are never ever ever going back to LJ:

but afaik DW seems fine.

I'm resistant to nostalgia but using DW does remind me of when the internet felt more DIY and interesting (good blogs, forums, etc) and less intrusive. ultimately: if it feels more enjoyable, I'll go with it; no need to overthink it.

I set up a (different) DW account a few years back but never quite figured out what to write about so it's been sitting as a backup fic archive. however, I may start using it as more of a journal/commonplace book. (do I use the existing account for this or do I set up a whole new account. to be decided.)

if anyone else is using dreamwidth, or is minded to try it, do let me know <3

#txt #to clarify: not deleting anything here #and I'll keep this sideblog alive. subject to whim and other interests ofc #it's probably starkly obvious that my personality type is 'likes good stationery'#dreamwidth

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torneye · 2 months

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𝚃𝙾𝚁𝙽𝙴𝚈𝙴.𝚃𝚄𝙼𝙱𝙻𝚁.𝙲𝙾𝙼 ... a reese production. very sporadic activity blog for a yellowjackets based original character, DANIELLE ‛DANNY‛ HALL. always the scapegoat. just another girl doomed by the narrative asking ——— WILL I EVEN BE REMEMBERED? MOURNED? [ twenty - six. they / she. est. ] minors & personal blogs dni. * sideblog!! follows back from badbandits!

affiliated with : brontë landry.

basic guidelines & rp ettiqute apply .. see below for more indepth rules.

interactions .. open starters are for ANYONE ( unless otherwise stated ) who wants to write a character that fits gender of character is open to replies from and fit within my rules. please only submit meme prompts if we are mutuals. i'll write with anyone 18+. don't be afraid of following me if you're interested in writing with me, i'm often very receptive to anyone who wants to write with me. THERE WILL BE CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS ON THIS BLOG.

shipping .. always down for a ship but i will never force a ship. i'm cool with assuming pre-established connections, but if it doesn't vibe right away, we'll try plotting. even if a ship doesn't work, i will always be down to continue writing with you! just need to try other connections! i would prefer writing ships with anyone 20 and above, I WILL NOT WRITE SMUT WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21.

triggers .. DARK AND TRIGGERING CONTENT WILL BE PRESENT ON THIS BLOG, SUCH AS, BUT NOT LIMITED TO : CANNIBALISM, MURDER, AND OTHER HORROR THEMES AND POTENTIALLY GRAPHIC CONTENT.

i will always be mindful to tag anything that i could think may be triggering to others ( or if i follow someone who has it listed as a trigger ). i write trigger warnings as " trigger tw ". as for myself, i don't really have any triggers, besides very graphic descriptions of eye trauma, fingernail / toenail and teeth trauma also get to me but are not nearly as distressing, but a heads up would be so greatly appreciated. i like to discuss with my writing partner if something comes up that feels uncomfortable, hope you will as well.

reply style .. i do not regularly use icons or gifs or graphics in my replies. however, it is so fine if you do. i make text smaller to look more uniform. i do use icons for starters, sometimes. i am more likely to use icons or gifs in replies if there are resources for said faceclaim.

simple little dni .. do not interact if you are a single muse blog portraying a real person, you're under the age of 18 or a personal account.

disclaimer .. i am not in any way affiliated with ava capri or showtime's yellowjackets. this blog is for the fun of writing and roleplay and in no way is being used to impersonate anybody.

credits & such

the psd used on this blog and graphics is back to basics by stephysource. meanwhile all graphics unless stated otherwise for this blog have been created by my dear friend foster 💌

#a reese production.#..ㅤ twenty - six ㅤ..ㅤ they / sheㅤ ..ㅤ eastern time #sporadic activityㅤ ..ㅤ iconless #..ㅤ sideblog ㅤto ㅤbadbandits!#est ㅤ..ㅤ 10 / 2023 #updated ㅤ..ㅤ 02 / 28 / 2024 #psd ㅤ..ㅤ ‛ backㅤtoㅤbasics ‛ㅤ byㅤstephysource

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kxowledge · 2 years

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I was tagged by the lovely @beastliness to post 9 books I plan to read in 2022. Loved it, thank you v much. (also yes, I am keen on a colour coded reading list as well) I’m tagging (if interested) @gafgo @madame-verte @c-erudio @expatesque @semperfeminae @passionthatmoves @thecrownedgoddess [but if we are mutuals, then I would be v much interested in your TBR, even if i haven’t tagged you - I think all of you have amazing taste]

#trying to limit myself in who to tag by hoping that mutuals will tag other mutuals #tag games #book notes #p

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newjerseydevils · 4 years

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jude hey!! who are some of your fav mutuals? i need some more blogs to follow!

gonna try and describe the vibes a bit so its easier to find the kinds of blogs you’re looking for :)

@cinemetography is probably one of my faves theyre genuinely funny and have great greys anatomy opinions plus i dont think ive ever encountered an interest on their blog i dont like

@richie-goldfarb multifandom but like all the best ones, one of these days im gonna cave and get into roswell nm because i kinda just trust getting into anything they post about so if you want recommendations or to be reminded about a show you havent seen in a while but love a lot theyre great !!

@keiraknigntley has the best taste in books, posts a lot of book quotes, old movies, period dramas, and things about yearning, just generally a fun time also she has such a cute aesthetic like she’ll post cute fashion things and lockets that make me need to lie down so i dont try and redecorate my entire house that second

@retrogrademp3 lots of soft quotes, great music, and usually has great recs for shows and movies with wlw characters also has been reblogging a ton of those quizzes so i owe them my life

@paddingtonlesbian at least once a day a jenny slate quote shows up on my dash that makes me cry and its usually their doing. their blog is just so full of love and tenderness

#petal.txt #ask #amymarchapologist #i was going to make this longer but then remembered i remade recently so dont technically have all my mutuals #anyway honorary mentions to @montponine @dykeeddie @richardsikenpdf #@skywalkersays @interlibraryloan @prozacbisexual #@dirbyagnesvarda @femmegothgf @pastagemini #theres others too but i was trying to limit myself to peoples whos blogs vibes might be similar to yours #also sorry @ everyone who got notifications about this all sorry i try not to be so loud #just seemed easiest way to link #also im like 99% sure you already follow at least cinemetography but since im pretty sure a good chunk of my reblogs are from them #it felt insincere not to include them #also not to keep apologizing in the tags but sorry if i used the wrong pronouns for anyone i tried to use whatever was in your about but us #and also sorry this took so long to respond to but ive been sorting beads by color all day and kinda forgot to be a human #anyway ill shut up now hope this helped youre super lovely !!

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youbloodymadgenius · 2 years

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A Touch in the Dark (Modern!Ivar x reader)

A/N: This is my long overdue contribution to @fandomfic-galore 1k Followers Sexy Trope Challenge. Congratulations again 🎉 I'm sorry it took me so long, love. I'm sorry too because I just saw there's a maximum word limit. I obviously broke this rule 🙈

The trope I chose: one bed

The sexy prompt @fandomfic-galore gave me: mutual masturbation

I know the way I used the prompt is a bit unorthodox but well, what can I say? Ivar is a stubborn brat, he wouldn't have it any other way!

@mrsalwayswrite, thanks for betareading this for me, and thanks for your support, I really needed it 🌺

Let me know if you want to be tagged 😊

Divider by @firefly-graphics

Summary: stuck in the middle of nowhere with your boss, you spot a cabin and know that this is where you and he must spend the night.

Warnings: smut; masturbation; mutual masturbation.

Words: 4926 (🙈)

"You're fucking kidding me? You're doing this on purpose, right?" Ivar says angrily and you just shrug, rolling your eyes.

"I'm not fucking kidding you, Ivar! And how the fuck can you think I'm doing it on purpose? Just tell me, who's the one who didn't want to take a plane from Kattegat to Kemi and back, huh?" Making air quotes with your hands, you keep going, swaying your head. "Y/N, we will be more free with a car, we will be able to leave whenever we want, as soon as the deal with Harald is completed." You snort, hitting the steering wheel. "And now here we are, Mister Genius, with no fucking signal," you hiss through clenched teeth, waving your phone in front of his face, "in a fucking broken car, in the dead of the fucking night and in the middle of Norrbotten, in other words in the middle of fucking nowhere. Who do you think is to blame, huh?"

Ivar takes a sharp intake of breath. "Be careful, Y/N, don't forget who you're talking to. I've fired people for much less." He says curtly, and you can almost physically sense his boiling anger.

You scoff, undismayed by his threat. In the two years he's been your boss, Ivar has threatened to fire you at least five times a day. You know he won't do it, though. Because you're fucking competent in your job and also because you can put up with him. He told you once it was a refreshing change from your predecessors, scared girls who cried whenever he raised his voice. Your explosive nature – which matches his – is what, against all odds, makes working for him a success.

"Look, Ivar," you eventually say, not because you're afraid of him but because one of you has to be wise, and you know it won't be him, "we can go arguing for hours, or we can try to find a solution. We're going to freeze to death if we stay in this car, okay?" You tap your finger on the dashboard. "Before the fucking car died on us, the outside temperature was minus five degrees Celsius." And this is a fucking matter of concern to you.

You're sure Ivar has no idea about the little chitchat you had with his mother on the day you were hired, but you've never forgotten her words, nor their barely hidden threat. 'The cold increases his pain and is therefore my son's worst enemy. As his assistant, you have to always make sure his legs are warm enough. Ask for an extra blanket when staying at a hotel, turn on the heater in the car if it's cold, schedule appointments indoors except for the summer months. Do what you want but keep his legs warm at all time. I hope I make myself clear. Don't disappoint me, Y/N, I assure you I've got some power over Lothbrok & Co.'

"So, what do you suggest?" He asks without missing a beat, a little too eagerly, and that's when you know you're right. He must already feel the cold in his brittle bones. You won't say a word about it though. Pinpointing Ivar's greatest weakness might not be a good idea given how pissed off he is.

"Well, remember the big hairpin turn?" You point your thumb behind you. Ivar nods and you explain further. "I saw a cabin a bit after it. My father always told me that in remote areas, like this one, cabins are usually left open, in case of emergency. Guess we're about to find out if that's true."

"It's a long way to go." You know your boss well enough to know what he won't say. He's concerned. Truth be told, you're too. Reaching the cabin, several hundred meters away, will be no cakewalk for Ivar. But well, you have no other choice, right?

"Not that much." Your voice is too quiet, your lack of confidence obvious. You clear your throat before inhaling deeply. Better to tell the truth. "Okay, look. It may be a long way, but what else can we do? Without signal and without a car, Ivar, we're running out of options. I'll get our bags, I'll light the road with the flashlight of my phone and you, well, you just walk, okay?"

As he remains silent, you suppose Ivar nods. He eventually asks, anxiety clear in his voice. "What if it's locked?"

"One problem at a time, boss", you reply with a wink he can't see, "but don't worry, it won't be," a small smile spreads on your lips, "Dad's never wrong."

"You're fucking kidding me, right?" Ivar sounds like a broken record and you can't help but roll your eyes, heaving a sigh.

"It's not that bad, Ivar." And honestly, it is not. Even though the cabin is scantily furnished, you're positively surprised to see it's equipped with running water and electricity. You hastily turn on an electric heater that's covered in dust and about a hundred million years old, breathing a sigh of relief as it sputters a few times but eventually comes on. It won't keep you very warm but you guess it's better than nothing.

Apart from the heater, the room just contains a wobbly wooden table, two stools that have seen better days and what seems to be a full bed. Sure, it's not very large but it could have been worse.

"Not that bad?" Ivar roars as he limps towards the bed, leaning heavily on his crutch. Flopping down on the mattress, he stifles a hiss of pain. "There's absolutely nothing in here, no food, no drink. There's only one bed and I'm not sure about the cleanliness of... these..." You follow his gaze and you have to give him that one: the sheets are greyer than white. Too bad, but there's nothing you can do about it. Besides, it's not the end of the world, right? Your boss can be such a princess sometimes!

Well, you might be too if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth.

"At least we're out of the wind," you shrug, giving him a tired smile as exhaustion sets in, "and we'll be able to sleep. You know what they say, Ivar. Tomorrow is another day." You feel your jaw opening and before you know it you're yawning widely, Ivar following suit. "We definitely need to sleep." You add uselessly as you rub your eyes.

"Guess we do," Ivar nods, then commands, "I'll take the bed and you can sleep on the floor," You stare at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. He can't be serious!

"You're... you're the one who's kidding now, right?" You eventually say, still a bit dumbstruck. As you look into his eyes though, you can see he's dead serious and it makes your blood boil. "Ivar!" You almost shout, crossing your arms and raising your eyebrows. "I may be your employee, but I'm not your slave. You can't just order me around and treat me like cattle!" He must be out of his mind, right? How can he even imagine you'd agree with that? The truth is, he should be the one sleeping on the floor. It'd be elementary courtesy, you're a woman after all!

The thought makes you cringe immediately though. You're not being fair and you know it. Sleeping on the floor would not be pleasant for you, sure, but for him you're sure it would be pure agony.

You know your boss never fakes his pain. And right now, if his tired look and the hand he repeatedly presses into his right thigh are any indication, you're willing to bet that the pain he's experiencing is excruciating.

That's why you decide to try to calm things down. "Look, Ivar," you speak in a soft voice, sitting down next to him, "I'm not thrilled about the fact that there is only one bed either, but at least there is one. I think we should make the best of it."

"What do you mean?" Ivar frowns, his right hand now massaging his calf. There's an uncertainty in his eyes you're not used to seeing. Or maybe is it fear?

"None of us are going to sleep on the floor. We're both grown-ups. We're going to sleep in this bed, together, because it's the only rational thing to do. And you know it. Besides," you add as you start to shiver, "I wouldn't say no to some extra warmth."

As he keeps quiet, barely nodding and his insecurities written all over his face, you decide to give him some privacy. Standing up, you grab your bag, taking your carton out of it. "I'm going to have a smoke outside while you get ready, okay?"

Lying on your side with your back facing him, you let out a barely audible sigh, upset yet still mindful not to wake your boss.

Although exhausted, you can't sleep. Despite the heater and the threadbare blanket you found in a cupboard, you're cold. So fucking cold! Your socked feet are freezing, and so is your nose. Plus, whatever you may have said to Ivar earlier, sharing a bed with him is definitely awkward and downright nerve-wracking.

Tossing and turning isn't an option with Ivar sleeping next to you – besides not wanting to wake him up, you're very afraid of unintentionally kicking one of his legs – but you know you have to find a way to release the tension and forget the bone-chilling cold.

Almost unconsciously, you lick your index finger before drifting your left hand to your chest, sliding beneath your shirt as you slip your right beneath the waistband of your pajama bottoms. Moving it down and down, under your knickers and past the soft curls, your index finger finds your clit while your other fingers spread your lips, and you feel immediately more at ease.

Touching yourself right next to your boss may seem odd, but not to you. First, you take it from his slow and regular breathing that Ivar is fast asleep. Second, having shared a room with your older brother all your teenage years, you are used to do it with company. Not making noise in this situation is second nature to you. You won't wake him up.

Circling the nipple of your right breast with your wet finger, you then pinch it, imagining teeth sinking into your firm, soft chest. With your thumb rubbing your clit, your other digits work their way into your vagina, immediately pumping into you. Your mouth drops open as you squeeze your eyes shut. Playing with yourself, you arch your back, bucking into the touch of your own fingers. You can all but feel a man's tongue – warm, wet and wide – licking and tasting you. Squeezing and cupping your breast, you suppress a whimper of pleasure, your face buried in a small, dingy pillow. Curling your toes, you bite your lip as a wave of heat spreads in your belly, your climax teetering over the edge and crashing down on you. Waves of pleasure wash over you, your body contracting around your own fingers, and you have to bring your left hand to your mouth in order to muffle a moan.

Fuck!

And that's when you hear it.

The faint rustle coming from behind causes you to freeze and your eyes to snap open. Holy shit! Holy fucking shit! You turn your head toward Ivar and though the darkness in the room doesn't allow you to really see his features or to clearly make out his face, you're sure your boss is awake and staring at you.

Sure enough, a second later, you notice a movement of Ivar's shoulder. "You not sleeping? Why?" Propped up on his elbow, his voice is raspier than usual, his words slightly slurred.

Despite feeling utterly flustered – and let's face it, breathless – you manage to answer him, mumbling in what you hope is a matter-of-fact tone, "Too cold." You're not technically lying, right? You were cold, and that's what kept you awake in the first place. Your palm still resting on your mound – as dumb as it sounds, you're afraid to move it for fear he'll realize, if he hasn't already, what you were doing – you have to swallow past the lump in your throat before asking the same question, "You? I could have sworn you were sleeping."

"Well, I wasn't." Ivar states flatly. You can hear him shift in the bed and you stifle a gasp as he drapes an arm around your waist. "I'm cold too." As he pulls you closer, your back against his chest, your eyes widen, the shock flooding your voice. "What... What are you doing, Ivar?" You can barely breathe as you try to convince yourself that there is no way he could know what you were doing.

"I think it's called spooning." There's a hint of mischief in his tone. He's so close you're sure he can feel how tense you are and you're afraid he can somehow guess where your right hand is. That would be so humiliating! "Come on, Y/N, you were the one saying that you wouldn't turn down some extra warmth, right? I'm pretty sure it will be more efficient this way, what do you say?"

"Guess you're right," you mutter absently, your cogs turning while you desperately try to find a way to get yourself out of the embarrassing situation. You're feeling nauseous. What could be more mortifying than being caught by your boss touching yourself? A knot of fear and shame forms in your gut and threatens to choke you as it rises into your throat. What were you thinking? Oh my fucking god! You have to figure something out. He cannot know. Your boss cannot know.

You lose your train of thought though as Ivar scoots, if possible, even closer, his hand resting on your right forearm, his legs now touching yours. Even through the fabric of his sweatpants, you can feel that they are ice-cold.

Shit. Aslaug Lothbrok. 'Don't disappoint me, Y/N, I assure you I've got some power over Lothbrok & Co.' Shit.

What a great way to bring you down to earth! You've been careful not to wrap yourself in the blanket, leaving most of it to him, but obviously it wasn't enough. Shit. You swallow, blinking several times. "Your legs are freezing, Ivar. Are you in pain?" You eventually ask, your heart suddenly in your throat. Ivar may be most of the time a tough boss, self-centered and short-tempered, yet you wish him no harm. And you love your job. And your wage.

As Ivar remains silent, you keep going, trying to wriggle out of his embrace. "I'm going to fetch your meds, boss, let me get up," you say with as much confidence as you can muster but Ivar just tightens his grip around your waist, trapping even more your right hand where... well, where it shouldn't be.

"Did I say I'm in pain?" He asks with a little exasperation in his voice, surprising you.

"No, no, of course, you didn't," you sputter, "but if you're in pain I should–"

"I'm not." He cuts you off, making you frown. You know he was in pain earlier, you're pretty sure he didn't take any painkillers so there's no way he's going to be okay now.

You let out a long sigh. "Look, Ivar, I know you don't like to talk about it but please, you can be honest with me. If you're in pain, just say it. It won't change the way I see you, you should know that."

Behind you, Ivar giggles, his hot breath hitting the back of your neck. "Actually, I was." His tone is suddenly playful and as his hand slides down your arm, getting way too close to your sinful fingers, alarm bells start ringing in your head. "But that was before..." He adds mischievously.

Your eyes widen. Deep down you know what he's getting at. But it can't, right? No, no, no, of course it can't. But what... what if? Your breathing quickens as you try to quell the panic rising inside you. You tell yourself that you're being ridiculous, that there's no way he could possibly know.

"What do you mean?" You finally say, your voice coming out weaker than you expected.

"I'm sure you know exactly what I mean, Y/N," he answers back, his hand wandering further down. When one of his fingers grazes your clit, your whole body stiffens and you have to bite your tongue to keep from screaming.

Bloody fucking hell!

Feeling ill, you close your eyes and for a moment you're afraid to faint from embarrassment. Never in your life have you felt so ashamed and you just want to disappear. Your eyes filling up with tears, you're glad that Ivar can't see you blushing. Yet, you know you have to say something. Anything.

There's no beating around the bush. Swallowing hard, you take a sharp intake of breath. "I... God... I..." You pathetically choke on your words, your voice is high-pitched. If you weren't so mortified, Ivar's silence would undoubtedly infuriate you. Right now, however, it's the least of your concerns. "It was... improper and unprofessional," you end up croaking pitifully, flooded with shame and humiliation, "I'm... I'm sorry, boss."

"Well, I'm not." Ivar's reply, quick as a flash, has you stumped for a good four seconds.

"You... You're not? How... How so?" You finally blurt out, bemused and insecure. You know what you did was way out of line. At this very moment, you can't begin to understand what's gotten into you or how in the hell you couldn't think that touching yourself right next to your boss could cost you your job. The thought sends a shiver through your skin. You're so screwed.

Seemingly unaware of your inner turmoil, Ivar keeps his hand on yours. "Like I said, Y/N, I was in pain. But what you did was a good distraction. It took the pain away, you know?"

Wow. You can't believe your ears. It took his pain away?? That's good news, right? Honestly, you wouldn't have been surprised to get fired on the spot, but instead Ivar is almost thanking you? It's just unbelievable! You can breathe a little easier, even though at the back of your mind there's that nagging thought that Ivar may be tricking you. Knowing his sharp mind, and even if he sounds sincere, it still could be. You better play it safe, right?

"I'm glad I could help." You actually mean it. As his assistant, you're in prime position to witness each and every day the tremendous amount of pain your boss has to absorb and it just seems terribly unfair. "Yet, I shouldn't have done that, Ivar. I'm still your employee."

"Let's say you're not then." He quips, leaving you speechless. Explaining further, you can hear the smile in his voice. "Tomorrow is another day, but for now you don't work for me. Let's say you're fired, okay?"

Carefully rolling over, your eyes search his face in the twilight as you put a hand on his chest. Frowning, you take a moment to process his words. You can't be sure but you think Ivar is still smiling at you. Where is he going with this? Does he want to fuck you? That would be a step too far, right?

Ivar speaks softly, as if reading your mind. "We won't do anything you don't want to, Y/N. I was thinking that I could..." He stops abruptly. There's something in his quivering voice, something you've never heard. He sounds... vulnerable. After taking a deep breath, he adds so quietly that you can barely hear him. "What you did earlier... I'd like to do it. To you, I mean. To... To keep the pain at bay, you... you know?" His hand that was resting on your waist finds your hip, his thumb stroking your upper thigh. "I mean... if it's all right with you."

God, what's happened to your cocky, intimidating boss? Ivar sounds almost like a little boy, insecure and maybe even frightened. Suddenly, you realize that you are in charge; that he wants you – needs you – to be in charge. You know with absolute certainty that the balance of power has just shifted. And for the first time since you've known him, your heart aches for him.

You're well aware that no matter how successful your boss is professionally, no matter how strikingly attractive he is, there aren't many women chasing after him. And it's probably all because of his legs, which is stupid in your opinion. But well, you get it. The unknown creates fear, right? But you, you're not afraid, neither of him, nor of his disability. Not at all. And well... you love the idea of being in charge for once. This is your time.

A smile he can't see spreads on your lips. "You're sure that's really what you want, Ivar?" You run your hand up his arm before resting it lightly on his shoulder. You feel more than you see when he nods. "It may be an issue then," you keep speaking, "While your.... offer is tempting, I'm afraid it'll have to wait."

You know your boss well enough to know he usually doesn’t' take no for an answer, so you explain immediately, as he lets out a short sigh, "I'm just overly sensitive at the moment. But," you add quickly, the words popping out before you can really think about what you're going to say, "I can think of another way to keep the pain in check, and a more effective one on top of that."

"What are you talking about?" Ivar's voice quivers, failing to hide his disappointment. This new side of him is so unexpected, it's almost unsettling. You wouldn't go so far as to say it pulls at your heartstrings but well, you're definitely surprised, and moved too. Mentioning it probably wouldn't be wise though, so you decide to keep it light.

"C'mon, Ivar," you say with a lighthearted laugh, "it's my turn to tell you I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know, there's nothing wrong with seeking your own pleasure. How could I blame you when that's exactly what I just did?"

Ivar gaps at your words and then remains silent for such a long time that you're afraid you've offended him. As you – for once – search for the right thing to say, he eventually murmurs between clenched teeth, "It... It doesn't work like that." His breathing short and uneven, you can feel how tense he is. "I'm sure you've heard the rumors about me... That... that it's not just my legs that are boneless... It's..." Gulping for air, struggling to continue, he takes a sharp intake of breath. "Well... They are not unfounded... The rumors, I mean." You know it's a most painful admission.

Sure, you've heard the rumors. That he couldn't get it up. That he couldn't please a woman. That his cock was useless. Although saddened, you never dwelled on it. Ivar was your boss, not a guy you had a crush on.

Right now, however, you just want to laugh. But since it wouldn't be very smart, you just smile, shaking your head. "Well, I've heard about the rumors, yes. I beg to differ though. You see, Ivar, I'm like Saint Thomas."

"Like who?" Ivar asks and this time you can't help but chuckle. You should have known the reference would be lost on him.

"You, stupid heathen!" You know he can hear the smirk in your voice. "Never heard of Saint Thomas? He was one of the twelve apostles. He doubted Jesus' resurrection until he could see and feel Jesus' wounds for himself. You don't have a clue what I'm talking about, right?"

Without giving Ivar time to respond, you drag your hand along his arm, your fingers tracing the line of muscles of his biceps. "Anyway, I'm just like him." Down his side, you can feel the ridge of his ribcage and then his toned abdomen. Playing with the hem of his shirt, your knuckles graze his flesh. "If I can see or feel it, I believe in it; otherwise not." Then your hand finds its way to the waistband of his sweatpants but as his breath hitches you stop your movement, your index finger just brushing against his crotch, his not-completely-hard-but-still-good-enough cock unmistakable. "And right now, I may not be able to see, but I know without a doubt what I'm feeling."

Ivar catches his breath in a startled gasp. "What? ... How? ... I... I don't... It never... How? ..." Babbling and stammering as words fail him, you realize that Ivar truly has never experienced something like that. Wow. He never got hard, not once in his entire life. Wow. No wonder that he can't think straight.

You must take charge. Now more than ever. You can't allow him to overthink what's happening. "I don't know, Ivar, but what I do know is that now is not the time for asking questions. Trust me." Reaching out, you grab his hand, bringing it to his crotch, "you should enjoy, just as I did earlier."

As you're about to take your hand away, Ivar wraps his fingers around your wrist, gently holding it in place. "Will you... Will you do it for me?" He speaks so softly you barely hear him, his whole body trembling lightly, and you're willing to bet he's blushing. Blushing! Ivar Lothbrok! "Please," he eventually adds in a shuddering breath and that's how he ultimately wins you over.

You never thought you'd live to see this day. Ivar, your "dictator boss" – also known as the demanding asshole among your colleagues – is not ordering you, not at all. Actually, he's asking, no, not asking, he's begging you. It sounds insane, yet it's happening and you're taken aback as you realize that it moves your heart. How could you turn him down? You can't. And, as crazy as it might seem, you don't want to. "Sure," you whisper back in the same breath, not allowing your inner voice time to tell you that there are at least thousand reasons why you shouldn't do it.

Your wrist released, you let your hand wander down, and this time Ivar doesn't stop you as you slip it into the waistband of his sweatpants, brushing your knuckles against his crotch and then rubbing his half-erected cock through his boxers, just a little. You can tell Ivar is holding his breath. The next moment, your hand works its way under the trim of his boxers and slowly begin to inch its way down. You start with feather light touches, fingers trailing across the length and then along the underside of his hardening cock, and Ivar pants and arches his back, his hips stuttering forward to meet your hand.

"Feels good, doesn’t it?" You say as you eventually wrap your hand around his shaft, stroking slowly. Precum is already soaking his boxers. He won't last, and it's not the point.

"Mmph..." You have to stifle a chuckle at Ivar's choked moan, immediately followed by a hoarse croak as you swipe your thumb across his leaking slit, smearing the drop of fluid over the head. When your free hand cups his balls with the gentlest of pressure, squeezing them lightly, your index finger grazing underneath, Ivar's pelvis thrusts forward, a low growl rumbling deep in his throat.

Your hand tugs and twists around Ivar's shaft, feeling the hot flesh throbbing in your tightening grip. You add speed and pressure before focusing on the head of his cock, playing with it and gently squeezing it.

The sound he then makes is almost pained and he tries to warn you but is only able to say, "I think I'm gonna..." before he thrusts up. Ivar comes in your hand, his cock pulsing, his back arching as he moans helplessly. As he literally falls apart, shaking and half-screaming, you work him through his orgasm, milking the last drop of seed out of his warm cock.

Sweaty and trembling and completely undone, he very slowly comes down from his heights, his breathing eventually becoming normal again. "Fuck, that was wonderful," he mutters, bringing a smile to your face. His next words, however, confuse you; you're not even sure you hear correctly. "Tomorrow morning, you'll be my employee again. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fire you again tomorrow night though. Just so you know..."

Huh?

You frown, replaying his words in your mind, trying to make sense of them. Oh, you may be tired – by the way, what time is it? – yet you're not completely dumb. You know what it is supposed to mean. Wouldn't it be nice if he let you have a choice in the matter? And first of all, is he serious? When you're in the heat of the moment, you may say things you don't mean, right?

Finally, after much mulling, you choose your words carefully, even though you're sure Ivar isn't exactly waiting for you to speak. "Well, you may be my boss, but I think I have a say in that. Maybe we can sit down and have a chat about it tomorrow, what do you think?"

You keep quiet, waiting for his reply, but nothing more than silence ensues.

Less than a minute later, you hear a light snoring; Ivar has fallen asleep.

The fucking asshole!!

🛡⚔️🛡

@waiting4inspiration @honestsycrets @lisinfleur @saldelys @gearhead66 @inforapound @readsalot73 @milkkygirls @xbellaxcarolinax @shannygoatgruff @zuxiezendler @hecohansen31 @lonewolf471 @fuckindiva @tgrrose @didiintheblog @peachyboneless @pieces-by-me @funmadnessandbadassvikings @ethereallysimple @destynelseclipsa @cocovikings23 @xceafh @mrsalwayswrite @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie @pomegranates-and-blood @jadelynlace @grimeundglow @quantumlocked310 @alexhandersen-marcoilsoe-fandom @adrille88 @not-another-viking-fanfic-blog @fandomfic-galore

#ivar #ivar the boneless #ivar ragnarsson #ivar lothbrok #modern!ivar #modern ivar #ivar smut #smut ivar #modern!ivar x reader #ivar x reader #modern-ivar #ivar imagine #ivar fanfic #ivar fanfiction #ivar fic #ivar vikings #vikings ivar #modern ivar x reader #sexy trope celebration

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enduracarrotchips · 3 years

Text

YouTuber AU

Hello welcome to Dating Scandal but with Twitter Involved (nightmare)

A little exposition here:

Link, Zelda, Sidon, Revali, and Riju are the most popular group of youtubers on the internet and have a huge fanbase that likes to theorize, draw fanart, and write fanfiction about them. Disclaimer, I don’t actually interact with real-person fandoms myself lol there’s just too much potential for drama and misunderstandings & they’re always bound to end in a dumpster fire but that is sort of what this au is about so.

Impa, Mipha, Daruk, and Urbosa are family friends that appear in a lot of their videos/streams.

(This is an art blog I swear)

enter vidcon 20XX

Link:

blows stuff up/sets stuff on fire with a side of cooking vids and gaming

most are filmed outside, he does those challenges where you try to cook stuff with limited ingredients/materials

has the largest fanbase of all of them, but not the most…intimidating.

does a lot of collab videos, mostly with Impa, Daruk, and Riju because they have similar interests/channels, but Zelda appears in his videos and is seen filming and the stans read too far into it

simps. i’m pointing at you.

Most popular videos are “shield surfing on rock!—how I broke my leg” “can Daruk eat Impa’s motorcycle?” and “how to inhale ranch dressing.”

Twitter handle is @ arsonistslullabye because he’s a hozier fan

45m subs

Zelda:

theories, analyses, conspiracies, and the occasional e x p e r i m e n t

she once got link to eat a frog for 50 bucks.

most people argue that she’s better than more popular YouTubers because she actually has quality content to give to the world and she has a lot of defensive supporters

She used to get a lot of hate before Urbosa spoke up about it and scared the bejeezus out of everyone

has an actual posting schedule

“Happy Sunday everyone, it’s Zelda Hyrule and today we will be talking about cryptozoology and why blupees exist, you cowards.”

Twitter handle is @ zeldaofhyrule and she is pan. just so you know. One of those calm extroverts that mystify me to this day.

18m subs

Sidon:

fashion/life hacks. Like gourmet troom troom but if they were real people.

Has the 2nd largest fanbase

most of them are girls

Sidon has a boyfriend though, which he told everyone at VidCon a few years ago

cue the drama and shipping and the entire fandom trying to figure out who the boyfriend is. A well known reddit thread emerged that presented the common guesses being Link, Sidon, and Zelda.

“But it can’t be Zelda, Sidon’s gay.”

“I’m not in the fandom but I thought Zelda was a boy??”

“Did you just say Sidon? Is that a typo? Are you saying that Sidon’s dating himself?”

Sidon x Sidon became a fandom joke.

Don’t look at me I’m just setting up all the worldbuilding. every fandom has their weird dark sides and Sidon x Sidon is the Linkcest of the Sidon YT fandom.

Mystery BF is actually Bazz, a pretty inconspicuous guy who appeared in a few of his videos. This was confirmed a year ago, but everyone still ships him with other YouTubers because they’re convinced he was lying to throw them off his scent. He really can’t catch a break and this is why you should not ship real people.

Twitter handle is @ officialprincesidon

says “beguiling” a lot

21m subs ᕙ( ͡❛ ▿ ͡❛)ᕗ

Mipha:

Sidon’s sister, hasn’t posted a single video but just has the channel for show because she appears in so many of Sidon’s videos as a model for his makeup tutorials and whatnot

has 328k for that. Everyone loves her, she’s great. @ mimipha

Revali:

Link’s sworn rival

Link thinks they’re friends

He kept popping up in link’s Twitter threads and making snarky comments until zelda called him out for not even following link (so why was he stalking his acc) which kept the Twitter drama to a minimum

Revali was the catalyst of a few popular memes and that’s where most of his subs come from.

drags link into a few challenges that always get a ton of views because of how competitive they get

“ITS JUST ASININE” is a running joke that everyone tries to get him to say. His @ is itsjustasinine as well

Urbosa is the only person who can win an argument with him

5m subs and growing rapidly. newer to youtube than everyone else.

Impa:

Doesn’t have a channel she’s just a mutual friend of Mipha, Zelda, and Link

Rides a motorcycle, so she is used in a few of Link’s videos.

@ ihaveamotorcycle because she thinks having a motorcycle is a personality trait. the most unruly on Twitter when it comes to replying to fan’s stuff, leaking upcoming videos and generally causing chaos.

Mipha’s girlfriend. That’s how she met Zelda and Link.

Urbosa:

Is actually a model, but she has a ton of YouTuber friends because she’s known Zelda since birth.

when she entered the youtube community she didn’t realize she would be adopting like 15 children

5m subs. her videos are professional & related to her modelling career. @ urbosasfury

I feel like she would do unboxing vids. I’m not sure what she’s unboxing.

Daruk

Just a friend of Link’s, fun guy. yells a lot. once ate a rock and had no reaction.

people are scared of him for that reason

Riju:

yoga & gymnastics & “ha look at how flexible I am its eAsY” videos

you know the type

she also does reactions and is sponsored by save the sand seals charities which she is very enthusiastic about. She’s also Urbosa’s niece and the only minor in the gang (15). I like to think that the champions YT community is actually not creepy so everyone respects her a ton

doesn’t post frequently, she mostly appears in Link’s videos to jump out of airplanes or whatever. And sometimes Zelda’s if she’s interested in the topic. 500k subs, but she’s always really popular when she appears in Link’s videos.

VidCon:

In the months leading up to VidCon, some fans on the internet made a few discoveries: first of all, that the inside of Link’s house is painted green. This is a big deal because all of his videos are filmed outside either in his backyard or on trips that he and the brosquad go on to do…whatever bros do. explosions. idk. The point is he had some announcement about VidCon and filmed it inside. Only the wall and a potted plant were shown.

However, the colour was similar to the the shade of Zelda’s living room. Fans dug through years and years of old videos and found a clip of Zelda walking through a hallway, where there was an open door and a glimpse of a houseplant.

There were 2 types of responses to the theory:

“They could just be roommates guys calm down”

“and they were ROOMMATES?”

others pointed out that Link could just not have a house and had to crash in Zelda’s

Some guy on reddit claimed he had a botany degree and declared that the houseplants in the clips were not of the same genus. Normal people pointed out that the plant would have grown 4 years between the clips and would look considerably different.

#Zelink trended on twitter for a while and people posted other old clips from both of their channels and the frog video blew up again

Impa retweeted a post tagged as #zelink with “rofl” and later publicly apologized for causing confusion.

Fans noticed that in the “can a motorcycle drive over my arm” (it was clickbait he’s fine) episode 2 years ago, Link was eating out of a paper lunch bag with his name written on it in handwriting that a few people claimed to look like Zelda’s, leading people to believe that she had packed him a lunch.

However, this theory was shot down with the counterargument that Zelda can’t cook. although. i mean how much skill do you need to make a sandwich.

No one knows what tumblr is doing at this time

Zelda wore a scarf in her “Save the Sand Seals” video that matched identically to the scarf Link wore when he travelled to Hebra to film a shield surfing video, but it’s been debated wether it’s actually the same scarf or not.

Neither Zelda nor Link has spoken up about the theories, and besides Impa’s one slip on twitter, neither has any of their friends. Zelda received a lot of backlash for the assumption that she was dating Link because he has a lot of delusional fans that didn’t want her to “steal their man” or whatever the hell that type of fan would get mad about

Oh yea and bolson & karson run a zelink fanpage on twitter sorry I forgot about that

after that whole mess, everyone was even more anticipant of VidCon in the hopes that some of their questions would be answered.

The whole batch went to VidCon this year: Link, Impa, Daruk, and Riju are a gang while Sidon and Mipha go together and Zelda & Revali each go separately. Urbosa is there for supervision moral support

Zelda has always been much better at dodging questions that she doesn’t want to answer than anyone else, so her Q&A went without a hitch. When asked to confirm the rumours she said “which one?” and then moved on to the next question (without actually confirming any rumours).

Link is generally a more awkward person but eventually said that he had filmed the video in Zelda’s house because it was nicer and didn’t realize it would cause such an uproar. Fans were disappointed, but Bolson claimed he saw Link and Zelda exiting the hotel elevator on the same floor after Link’s Q&A session. No one believed him.

Fans went back to theorizing over who Link, Zelda, and Sidon were all dating, because apparently they can’t just be dating unknown people and have to be with other YouTubers

Sidon and Bazz got engaged about a week after VidCon, making at least 4 preteen girls cry

actually try 4 million

Sidon x Sidon made a brief comeback but Sidon spoke up about his fandom for the first time ever on twitter and told everyone that no, he was not dating himself. eventually, everyone settled down and accepted that none of them were in a relationship save for a few loud fans.

Link and Zelda still got the occasional “when will you tell us who you’re dating?” comment but most of them were joking and the people who still hardcore shipped them were generally frowned upon. Zelda’s popularity went up after VidCon and she regained the 200k subscribers she’d lost after the first theory dropped.

Two months after VidCon, Link posted a video titled “Zelda and I’s House Tour!” and gave around 45 million people a heart attack

as revealed in the video, they had actually been dating since they were 16 and everyone’s just a fool.

the potted plant is named Hestu.

#listen. listen. youtuber au #idc if u came here to see genderless art this is what I am posting today #genderless art in the future though #anyways I'm so sorry #sidon x sidon trends for a few days and I feel bad for the ppl who have to handwrite the trending descriptions on twitter #like what would it be #reddit user @ steponmeurbosa makes a spelling error and sparks shipping between beauty guru sidon and himself #if someone tries to start discourse about YouTube fandoms on my post I am blocking you #headcanons #opinions #youtuber au #botw #zelink #breath of the wild #legend of zelda #thank god I got this out of my notes app

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sugaftrm · 3 years

Photo

♡ sweet sope ♡

love notes for my mutuals hi everyone, this past week has been full of extra love and wanted to share my appreciation, not just for this joyful community, but for the people who brighten up each day with their presence!

@blueandtaes - hi my sib, i love you. being in this fandom together is a godsend. through the weeping, the cackling, the impulse purchases, the city adventures and home dance parties, i’m so blessed to be doing it all with you.

@zmalik - sabrina shonaaaa you’re one of the first people i followed on this website (i legit think you were the second person after my sister), i dont know why you followed when you did since i was a chaotic mess back then but i am so so thankful that you did! i remember our early convos and i still fantasize about deshi food hangouts in the city, whether that’s yours or mine. you’re the kind of person who in many ways I aspire to be, because you say what’s on your mind without the fluff. I’ve been meaning to ask you why you hate ji changwook btw but I’ve been scared! one day let’s talk about it over chaa nastha? Love you, and sending all my affection to you and ur new kitten!! @yoonglet - hello angel aahana! I feel as though no matter how I try to word how I feel about you, it will always fall short. You are one of the most generous, strong-willed, friendly people I know. Your aura is bright and I am so honored to witness you, even if it’s through this limited window of armytumblr. thank you for believing in me, when I didn’t believe in myself! Your support means everything <3 @artsyjoons - anj! i distinctly remember an early convo we had where we were talking about namjoon doing an srk pose lmfao thank you for understanding what i was rambling about in the tags and initiating a convo with me! every morning i wake up and i see you enriching my feed with your thoughts, your humor, and your captivating energy! please share with me the secret to being so sweet and cool?? @rosebowl - my sweetheart Sharika, when I think about you honestly… I feel anxious and giddy! Because I wonder what luck I must have accidentally stumbled upon to find a desi army friend right here in New York, and that too someone who shares so many of my own values and interests!!?? Sounds like a dream, hope I never wake up! My adoration for you grows every day, please know that I am rooting for you and support you, just how you show up endlessly for all of us! Can’t wait for our future adventures xoxoxo @taefiore - hi my darling raabia! (I hope you’re resting and not stressing when you read this, but if you are stressed I hope this makes you smile) I feel like I have to thank run-on for bringing us together?? I have enjoyed every single one of our conversations and interactions, you’re easily one of the most clever and sweet people on this site! thank you for listening to my dreams, for all your kind/witty commentary on things I post, and for being an all-around incredible person! i know how hard you work and I hope your future is just as bright as you are, love you! @bibillyhillsbaby - lovely helena, are your legs tired? Cus you’re running through my mind oooooh! we’ve said this to each other many times, how fun it is to chat about shows, about our love for these men,™ and more! but have I told you about the times you’ve generated warmth and peace for my soul? your compassion has not gone unnoticed dear friend <3 you’ve made so many of us laugh and smile, lended kind words when we’ve needed them the most. I hope that when you see flowers and trees, you think of all our love blossoming for you! @kithtaehyung - oh ryen! when you created the ‘still with you’ gfx you officially stole my heart! but then you went and kept it for good when you made the ‘magic shop’ gfx during a challenging time in my life. your empathy and your cheerfulness was a clearing for my foggy mind! you’re a stellar person and i get such a burst of joy when i see you on my feed. if i could handwrite notes for you everyday, i would! <3 @pinkjjoon - sara i can’t remember our first conversation, but i could’ve swore it had something to do with the term “namjaan” lmao! though we’re timezones apart, i am glad the internet brought us together cus i really need more desi army visibility! i appreciate your candidness, your humor, as well as your kind words during hard times. i hope bts gets their act together and holds a concert where you are cus you more than deserve it! @hazeltae - allison, ive been trying to put to words why i feel so drawn to you and why you always make my day and i think it’s bc you’re a capricorn sun/pisces moon!!! no wonder you have this way of making people feel steady, held while also relating to them on an emotional level! i love talking to you about rj, about yoongi, about totally normal shopping habits <3 thank you for all that you are and for being such a sweetheart! @gimbapchefs - hello nat!! even though we’re newer mutuals, there’s such a refreshing ease in our conversations that i truly appreciate! i find myself resonating with your thoughts and reactions, and cackling at things you reflect in the tags! i also admire your dedication to your studies, even when you get a little distracted ;) we need more people like you in the field, i’m so excited to see where your journey takes you! @intronnevermind - hi raf! it’s such a pleasure to be connected here! we haven’t spoken much but your posts and content leave me with a great sense of joy/admiration! i am so impressed by your style and am looking forward to anything you create in the future. thank you for sharing sweet remarks about my amateur content and for being such a lovely part of this community! @ourownwings - wings :) i am so in awe of the creations you provide for the community and all the tender labor that goes into relaying the BU stories here! i can only imagine the time it takes to do that, but you’ve done above and beyond - and i’m so proud of your milestone! i was delighted to chat with your about your life outside tumblr, and wish you all the best in your future endeavors! thank you for being such a sweet, supportive presence in my orbit! @jintae - padya, it’s likely you’ll see this if/when you return from your hiatus but you should know that i appreciate our exchanges and how excited i was to connect with another nyc bengali army! i hope you are taking care and finding enjoyment during your days <3 i think about your written piece about the impact bts has had on you as well as the publication you created for the community, and am so proud to know that you’ve spearheaded these meaningful spaces for others. i hope our bond can grow over time, universe-willing, and that you get every happiness you absolutely deserve!

to my lovely mutuals who amaze me every time with their creations & their talent, and have given me much laughter/much comfort, i am grateful for you. i have much warmth in my heart for you all and appreciate the conversations we’ve had about life, about bangtan, and anything in between. thank you for being here: @duckjinnie @ayosuuga @yoongisshadow @userjiminie @jinbestboy @mykrokosmos @marvelousbangtan @jimindelune @floraljimin @flowerseokjin @dinamitae @zhujieqiong @thegoddessly @kooseokss @dalbichigom @jinjagi @joonsrack

#well in true t fashion #i poured out my soul when no one asked for it???#i'm sorry.... for the rambling but you all signed up for this when you became mutuals with an emotional psychotherapist #i also apologize if i left anyone out!!#ALSO no pressure to reply to this!!!#i really wasnt expecting to do much connecting when i started this blog not too long ago #but here you all are and i feel so blessed #glad we're all here going through the motions of being bts fans together #i picked this sope moment bc in my mind we're laughing together while listening to music #and being sweet and tender with one another #:]#mygifs

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thatsneakymedic · 3 years

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Hello everyone! And welcome to my Kabuto Yakushi roleplaying/ask blog! I had this blog for at least 8+ years and it’s still going strong and all talk and appreciation of Kabuto is always welcome!

Lets begin with the introductions!

About the Mun:

You may call me Vani though I do have a few longtime rp partners and friends here that know my real name. But I prefer Vani.

I’m 32 years old with she/her pronouns and my birthday is on July 7th.

My face claims will be Kabuto in the SD series so if you see it, it will more than likely be my OOC post. I tag it as “missing glasses”. And all icons on this blog were cropped and edited by myself including the SD.

I’ll let you all be aware that I have Aspergers/Autism as well as anxiety, so while I try to befriend and talk with you as best as I could, most of the times I might not always understand some phrases or sarcasm. I am working on my best to socialize with you all, and sometimes I take breaks every once in awhile. Anyways, still come chat with me if you like to know more about me!

My discord is available to rpers and friends who we have a mutual trust in each other and like to stay in contact with. I would love to rp there if Tumblr is too much for you to handle but plotting there is just as fun as well.

I also run a AO3 account though I might not post much stories due to being here more than there, but when I do, I do hope that you let me know if you like it or not. LINK

Rules:

Do not godmod or metagame. I guess this is pretty obvious.

I would very much appreciate it if you specify which Kabuto verse you would like to send asks or interact with, because I want to explore the other verses as well. If you don’t specify your ask, it will always be replied to canon Kabuto in the spy verse. Or any verse I feel like replying in.

Hating against Kabuto and Orochimaru is fine if you dislike the characters but if you character bash them or any other character too much, I might limit my contact with you unless you tag it so that I can blacklist it. This blog does not tolerate character bashing. There is a major difference between disliking a character and full on hating them with constant rants and hateful posts which can be quite annoying. This also goes for ship hate. Get that shit outta here. This blog appreciates all ships.

I won’t judge your writing as I’m not into fancy edited writing or am that good at writing, but please try to write at least 2 sentences or more to give me something to work with. I will apologize if I write a full paragraph but you don’t have to match my writing. I also don’t mind if you don’t use icons, flashy themes. It would be nice to make your writing easy to read too.

I tend to take my time with rps so I wouldn’t mind if you took your time as well. Reminders are nice every now and then.

Honestly, I would prefer to only interact with Naruto and Boruto characters and OCs. I feel more comfortable that way since to me, its quite hard for me to rp with characters from other fandoms unless your other fandom character has a naruto verse.

I rp NSFW and when I say that I mean gore, dark themes or bloody rps since Kabuto is a medical shinobi who deals with such things. I will also post some medical tools on this blog so if you’re triggered by blood, needles, and scalpels then I’ll try to tag them as trigger warnings and put them under readmore for your sake.

Roleplay blog or not, please do not reblog my answer posts, headcanons or RP threads with another rper if you’re not involved. It’s not only messes up my activity but it’s also very invading and quite rude. I will give you a warning in private message if you do and if you refuse or ignore my request within a day, it will result in me blocking you.

Shipping rules

I do not practice exclusivity since I had a horrible experience with this topic and I rather I give myself and my rp partners the freedom that they deserve, but if our characters end up being romantically shipped and their chemistry is extremely good, I’ll put you on my main list where I will tag you in a lot of ship memes and posts. Ask me first about this, and I might even ask you as well. And you’re free to refuse or agree. This may change in the future if both parties agree, but until then, we’re both free to do what we want.

As mentioned above, I am old enough to rp NSFW. And like everyone else with common sense, I WILL NOT RP NSFW WITH MINORS!

There will be some heavy sexual themes and posts so if you’re underage, please don’t follow me. Seriously, I WILL BLOCK YOU!

I wouldn’t mind if your character teases Kabuto and even flirts with him, but I would prefer chemistry, if you want it to be a ship. My muse is picky with who he wants to be with unfortunately. Even if I do find that character and ship that I am looking for.

By the way, if you decide to become my ship partner and you suddenly stop talking or interacting with me for no reason, just let me know beforehand that you want to drop the ship or at least let me know if you're on hiatus. Because I do not like to be ghosted and the title will be removed if you don’t talk to me for an entire month.

I’m a major kakashi/kabuto shipper so if that turns you off, it’s fine for you to disagree or leave if you don’t like it. But I rather not want to get anon hate or go in a debate since this rare ship helped me go through a bad time in my life. But if you’re a kakashi mun, I won’t ask for a ship unless you want to. Just putting this here so that no one can assume that I’m only after this ship.

More will be on the Rules though I pretty much summed up the blog rules here.

If you’re curious about my verses, they’ll be right HERE (and just in case if that doesn’t work...) Child verse: age 6-9 Root verse: age 9-14 Spy verse: age 15-24 (canon or canon diverse) Dragon verse: age 24 (4th war) Blank verse: age 24-26 the verse where after the war is done, he’s left to pick up his own pieces of his mind and tries to redeem himself through various acts of kindness and assistance through community service under strict supervision. Father verse: Headmaster of the Konoha orphanage and in Boruto era. (canon verse)

Restless Minds: A mix of both Blank and Post Boruto verse where he’s often tempted into going back to doing questionable acts as despite the Izanami. He still has trouble breaking old habits though he’s no longer wishing to commit illegal acts. Despite that the law forbids it, he secretly meets with Orochimaru to satisfy his own curiosity with their experiments despite also wanting the peaceful life at his home. He’s often at the hospital, resuming his role as medic. But under strict supervison. Stripper/Mafia Verse: A verse where Kabuto who didn’t have enough funds for his college classes after a series of misfortunes had taken several jobs before deciding to take this one as it had better pay. With no other choice, he works as a stripper for a mafia owned strip club that he had no idea that it was owned by a rival gang till he saved the other mob boss’s life after a gang war fight broke out in the club. It was only after saving the mafia boss from death is when he starts getting paid better to help with his college medical classes funds as well as to avoid becoming homeless as well. Though of course he still has to strip to pay the bills and afford the classes, but he also has to heal and treat Shisui’s men and fellow strippers whenever he’s ordered to. He’s also in dept with the mafia so chances of him having a normal life is slim. Despite the job, he still has struggles with his self-confidence and is a tad bit shyer than most of the strippers who work there. Not to mention that he’s the most reluctant to sleep with a customer, no matter how much money they gave him. (This Verse that is mainly rped in Discord and a bit in tumblr as well. Ask first and I’ll ask my friends if they would let you in. )

Rp wishlist:

Dejected Child Root verse: Of where the young or the pre-teen Kabuto is off on different countries and villages, spying and gathering information on them during the Third Ninja War era. Also child Kabuto’s own spy training from Root and his experiences from there.

Lost and Found Child verse: Pretty much an AU on what if Kabuto wasn’t found by Nono but by somebody else by chance. Despite his new caretakers/family and his different life but still a medical shinobi, in the end whether a kid or a teen, Orochimaru or some other villainous character will either lure, manipulate or take him away from them. Its up to the muses of whether they go after him or not. His name is still Kabuto as he won’t have his last name Yakushi.

Lost in the Darkness verse: Kabuto isn’t betrayed by Danzo and is one of the many ROOT members and spies working for him. And the best one yet.

That sums everything, so feel free to stop by if you have the time and have a great day!

#missing glasses #I hope that is everything!#I would add more if things are needing of an update

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jennagrinsoverml · 2 years

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Fanfiction Year in Review - 2021

Thanks for tagging me, @kasienda! I love doing these kinds of things.

1. List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:

The Closest Thing to Love

The Best Day of His Life

Love Without Weakness

La Soeur de Mon Coeur

The Walls Are All Come Down

Love Without Lies

You Know Where My Heart Is

Love Without Limits

Sex, Interrupted

She's (Not) Just a Friend

all this hope you sent into the sky (by now had crashed)

Sweet, Sweet Fantasy

On Bended Knee

In the Rain

You Can Run From Love

Lucky I'm in Love with My Best Friend

Love is Blind (posting begins January 8!)

Chat Noir's Christmas Spirit

The Night Before Christmas

19 fics. That’s absolutely crazy to me! This year has been such a year of growth for me as a writer. I’m really proud of that 😊

2. Number of words written:

Written: 167,183

Published: 127,756

Those numbers are a little inflated because they include all of Closest Thing when I had written probably half of it before I started posting. (I thought it was more than that when I began posting, but I ended up adding in a lot.) Still, that’s a ton and I’m proud of myself!

3. Your most popular fic:

The Closest Thing to Love

By A LOT. No surprise there lol. I guess I’m not the only one who loves drawn out fake dating/engagement with mutual pining.

4. Your personal fav:

The Closest Thing to Love

🤷‍♀️ That’s probably going to be the case for a while.

Love Without Series is a close second though.

I talked about my favourites and why in the 2021 Creator Self-Love Extravagaza! post

5. Your fav scene:

Oh wow, this is hard. I’m having trouble even remembering what all I wrote haha. I think I’ll go with the ending of You Know Where My Heart Is. It’s actually hard for me to pick a part to excerpt because I love the whole thing so much, but:

"Marinette," he says, voice impossibly tender, resting a hand on either of her shoulders. "Talk to me, please. You know I'm in love with you. Is it really so terrible if you love me back?"

She gazes into the eyes that have pulled her back from the edge every time she's thought it was the end of the world. The eyes of the person who's had her back through everything. The eyes of the boy she trusts most in the world. She takes a deep breath. She can do this. This is Chat, she can talk to him.

"Chaton, we can't."

"Why not?" he asks. "If you love me... if you even think you could one day... I - if you just give me a chance, I'll treat you right. I'll take you on dates and buy you flowers and chocolates and - and anything you want. I'll try my best to make you happy, I promise."

Tears sting her eyes. Every word he speaks is a dagger to her heart, and he has no idea.

"I know," she croaks through the tightness in her throat. She clasps her hands, wringing them together. "Oh Chat, I know that already. You're going to be a wonderful boyfriend some day. You - you're amazing. You're everything I could want in a boyfriend: playful and funny and kind and sweet."

"Then what's the problem? Is it that other boy? Because—"

"The problem is that you're wonderful!" She stares down at her twisting hands. She needs to make him understand. "If - if we dated, I'd want to go on dates with you and introduce you to my friends and tell everyone I'm your girlfriend, that you're my boyfriend..."

"That sounds amazing," he breathes.

"It's incredibly dangerous, is what it is, Chat!" She snaps her eyes to his face. "We can't!"

Honourable mention to the cracky opening scene of La Soeur de Mon Coeur. I crack myself up haha

6. A fic or scene that challenged you:

The last two parts of the Love Without Series. I tend to be a spare writer who struggles with description, and getting into how Marinette and Adrien were affected by each other was a stretch for me compared to what I’d done before. I think it improved my skills as a writer a lot (and thank you so much @kasienda for your excellent beta work that really called out where I was falling short and pushed me to improve!!) I’m so happy with the final result, even if it took a while to get there.

7. A line of writing you’re proud of:

I could’ve chosen several because honestly I love a lot of my own writing (haha modesty what’s that?) I’m going to go with something recent and choose this line from the first scene of You Can Run From Love:

Ladybug grabs him by his stupid bell, yanks down his stupid face, and crashes her lips to his stupid, stupid mouth.

I just really like it.

8. A comment that touched you:

Omg this is so hard to choose, I’ve gotten so many AMAZING comments. Seriously, y’all are the best, I love my readers so much!!!! I really feel phenomenally lucky to have had the amount of engagement with my works that I have.

I love all of the people who comment on everything as I post it, who binge my works and comment on everything in one swoop, my regular commenters, and especially my friends who are so wonderfully supportive.

If I have to choose just one, I’d say this comment from @sariahsue on chapter 6 of The Closest Thing to Love. In reply to my response to her comment, she wrote:

It's definitely believable. I can say their choices even seem inevitable, even as I'm mentally screaming at them to just confess! And the fact that each sentence solidifies that each think the other only views them as a friend? *insert the Pacha "these hills sing" meme* This whole fic is super well done. You've really dedicated a lot of time to making their interactions and conflicts shine. I can tell. Thank you for your effort on this story! I love it!

I put so, so much energy and thought into developing the conflict between Adrien and Marinette. I wanted their mutual pining to feel believable rather than drawn out just for the sake of drawing things out. So to hear that their choices seemed inevitable (!!!!) just made my life.

Honourable mentions go to all of the hilarious comments on La Soeur de Mon Coeur saying that this fic physically hurt them, the beautiful comments on Love Without Limits saying that it felt very realistic and true to them, and @ladyofthenoodle‘s comment on Love Without Lies, praising Marinette for being brave like “no fuck this i’m not gonna let my embarrassment get in my way i shaved my legs for this!!!” I laughed so hard.

9. Something that inspired your writing:

@chatonne-rousse

Seriously, so many of my fics have been inspired by my conversations with Rosie including The Walls Are All Come Down, Sex, Interrupted and You Can Run From Love.

Love Without Weakness was inspired by me telling Rosie about how I love it when a person resists temptation in order to respect their partner and going “you know what I would love to see...?” and then it spiraled out of control.

And then Krispo left a comment on LWW asking for a trilogy. I’d gotten lots of requests for a sequel or continuation, but a trilogy specifically sparked the idea of doing a fantasy versus reality of sex pair of sequels to it, and thus Love Without Lies and Love Without Limits were born.

La Soeur de Mon Coeur was inspired by the Adrienette April prompt family. Specifically, I saw so many people posting such sweet takes on the prompts and my brain went “okay, but what if it wasn’t sweet? What if it was terrible?” lmaooo

Chat Noir's Christmas Spirit was inspired by my own life. I had a really rough time this holiday season and was not feeling the Christmas spirt. My mom hated Christmas growing up, so I projected a lot of the associated feelings onto Adrien, even though obviously the circumstances were very different. (And my mom is no Gabriel Agreste.)

The Night Before Christmas was also inspired by my own life. The last minute scramble to get the gifts wrapped Christmas Eve? That’s me every year. I also incorporated some of my family’s traditions, like the unwrapped Santa gifts. And I like to base the future Dupain-Cheng family on my own, which has two older boys and a younger girl. (The reveal at the end is not at all based on my life. I’ve never known I was pregnant a second longer than my husband haha)

Sex, Interrupted was similarly inspired by my own life, with the family make up and the bedtime routines. I won’t comment on the sexual aspects at all lol except to say that my kids have never walked in on us, thankfully.

10. Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

I’ve posted something every single month since last November, whether that’s a one-shot, chapter update or ficlet. I’m very proud of that!

11. Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

Finish Betrayal.

Finish the two sequels to my big bang fic, Love is Blind.

I have several other WIPs I’d like to get to a point where I can start posting at least, notably How to Catch a Son-in-Law and the Untitled Ladrien Secret Relationship Revealed fic I’ve teased before.

My biggest goal is to keep my posting streak alive lol

Tagging anyone who wants to do this 💖💖💖

#my thoughts #jennawrites #year in review

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tallstars-rewrite · 3 years

Text

Chapter 26

chapter list / previous / next

Tallpaw had grown leaner and stronger in the past moons. He insisted on extra battle training whenever he could, and peace at the border never lasted very long. They guarded too closely to allow any more ambushes, but while ShadowClan didn’t push further, tensions remained high and there had been more than one violent skirmish. Tallpaw had made sure he was a part of at least one, and he didn’t let himself get distracted. He threw himself into it almost as fiercely as Shrewpaw, at one point even managing to send a warrior nearly twice his size screeching back under the Thunderpath with a well aimed blow to the nose. Some of the older warriors even paid him compliments.

“Never thought you'd be such a fighter when you were young and meek!” they said. Tallpaw wanted to be warmed by the praise, but he didn't take it to heart. Fighting is what a brave warrior had to do, and that was what he repeated to himself, but in truth he never felt less like himself when he did it. He spit insults and fury, trying to work up the fire he knew he should have, but all the while he felt like he was playing a character like in one of the visitor’s silly plays. The part of a furious battle hardy warrior, detached from himself and merely watching his body fighting, then spitting the taste of blood from his mouth afterwards. The fights had avoided fatal casualties so far, but they were still bloody.

The rush kept him focused, but still, he was restless with feeling like there had to be more he could do. There persisted a disapproving voice inside his head, egging him on and telling him he could try harder than he was. Tallpaw always had a nagging voice like that in the back of his mind, but it got meaner and criticized incessantly like an angry tick inside his ear. However good he got, he needed to get better. Forcing himself to focus on improving as fast as he could was all he had. Letting that focus slip for even a moment allowed him to dwell too much on what had gone wrong.

And many things had indeed gone wrong.

His determination looked like recklessness, so he’d been told by a couple “concerned” parties. The biggest one being Briarpaw, who looked at him strangely ever since he had returned to camp during the storm that night, as if sensing that something had changed in him. Whether Tallpaw was being seen for another enemy claw scratch, or an intense training session, his friend's distress was sharp in the air however much he tried to hide it.

“You’ve reopened this cut into your ear so many times I don’t think it’s going to heal together again.” Briarpaw murmured.

Tallpaw was in the medicine den for the second time in a quarter moon, already itching to go again. Ryewhisker sat nearby licking a small scrape on her foreleg. She looked up at him, clearly a little cross still from getting scuffed up in an earlier training.

“At this point I think he wants to lose that ear,” she said.

Dawnstripe and Hareflight were hesitant to train Shrewpaw and Tallpaw together these days, for good reason, and Ryewhisker offered to take his place as an extra partner. It was a lucky thing that patience was one of her greatest virtues, as it wasn’t the first time Tallpaw had gotten a bit carried away. Today he tackled them both over a shallow ledge into a nasty bramble patch. He’d been sure to let her land on him so he took the brunt of the blow. But his ear had gotten caught on a thick tendril. The ear didn’t compare to the bruises, but Ryewhisker was fine, save for a small scrape.

“Well, I’ve got two ears, I could spare one.” Tallpaw said dryly. He meant it as a joke, but Ryewhisker just rolled her eyes, and, judging by how he tensed, Briarpaw was even less amused.

“You should be more careful next time.” Briarpaw mumbled. He said it with less force each time, as he’d been repeating it a lot the past moon, and at this point he knew that Tallpaw was not inclined to listen. Each time Tallpaw nodded and said he would, as earnestly as he could. The trips to the den were most of the time he spent with Briarpaw these days.

Briarpaw never fully recovered from losing his mother. His eyes were still hollow and he still walked around by himself, pacing back and forth near the places where Brackenwing used to be, as if looking for her to get advice. But there was no one there of course. Tallpaw longed terribly to ease his pain, but he knew now more than ever that he could not ease any cat's pain. He could only throw himself into protecting the clan so nothing like it could happen again.

Ryewhisker eyed the medicine cat apprentice and his messy store of herbs. His last patient had left in a hurry before they got there.

“I heard your brother tried to storm ShadowClan territory by himself yesterday.” Ryewhisker shook her head in exasperation. “I can’t begin to imagine what he thought he was going to achieve. He’s better today, I hope? Certainly didn’t seem to be slowed down when he left your den earlier.”

Briarpaw hummed absentmindedly, ”Yes, I suppose we’ll see whether Tallpaw or Shrewpaw loses their ears first. That seems to be your latest competition.”

Tallpaw sniffed in forced amusement. Briarpaw knew perfectly well that he and Shrewpaw didn’t have friendly competitions anymore. But he couldn’t deny it was true that pushing ahead of his fellow apprentice was very much on his mind, in spite of, or...perhaps because of their ongoing crumbling relationship.

Shrewpaw. The other part of his life steadily going downhill. Shrewpaw certainly didn’t have to pretend at playing battle-hungry fury like Tallpaw did. Of course it didn’t surprise him that Shrewpaw was in the medicine den as often as he was, perhaps even more, but at different times. Hawkheart scheduled to make sure of that. If they were both in the same den with Briarpaw, the medicine cat apprentice might faint from stress. Although Tallpaw and Shrewpaw could agree on very little these days, they made a silent pact to keep their disagreements well away from Briarpaw. But as soon as Briarpaw was out of earshot, all bets were off.

Shrewpaw’s temper was more out of control than ever. He was well past due to get his warrior name, and indeed his skills were up to the task, but his unpredictability forbade Hareflight from recommending it. His ceremony was held off due to misbehavior, and Shrewpaw was beyond furious. How quickly Tallpaw was catching up to him just added to his displeasure. It was petty for it to please Tallpaw, but he couldn't help it.

It was hard to pinpoint when his remorse for Shrewpaw turned into such bitterness. Shrewpaw had always worn his plain on his pelt, but it became clear to their mentors that the feeling was mutual after a particularly bad day of training.

---

Tallpaw hadn’t wanted to let the taunts get to him, but Shrewpaw had been looking for more and more ways to get under his skin. One more poorly placed snide comment and a sharp cuff after a missed hunt was all it took to get them at each other with claws out. They both had far too much pent up to not take it out on someone.

The apprentices screeched and tore fur out of each other, barely hearing their mentors' shouts for them to stop. Tallpaw was seeing too much red to hear until Dawnstripe bit into his scruff and hauled him back. Hareflight practically had to hold Shrewpaw down and dodged a swipe from the furious apprentice.

“Get ahold of yourself, Shrewpaw!” Hareflight hissed “This is not how I've taught you!”

Tallpaw shook himself but his fur stayed on end as Shrewpaw was still spitting furiously at him. He tried to throw his mentor off and leap at Tallpaw again until Hareflight boxed his ears and blocked his way. “Enough! I should have you on nest cleaning duty until leaf-fall!”

“It’s going to have to be more than that, Hareflight,” Dawnstripe lashed her tail, “This is getting out of control.”

Hareflight looked exhausted. He was such a well kept warrior, but he was at a loss. Every cat could see him being run ragged by his apprentice, and Heatherstar’s hope that the even tempered tom would mellow Shrewpaw out was clearly falling apart. His scolding and threats of chores had little effect.

“We should be done for today. Shrewpaw, go back to camp.” Hareflight said, his tail drooping, and then added sharply when Shrewpaw hesitated, “Now.”

With one last glare at Tallpaw, the furious apprentice stalked back up the hill towards camp and Hareflight trailed close after him.

Tallpaw turned his gaze away from Dawnstripe in shame. I was defending myself. She had to have seen he started it. Dawnstripe glared at him with her ears pinned back.

“I expect better from you as well, Tallpaw. Barring your claws at a clanmate for any reason will land you in trouble. Don’t let this happen again.”

He nodded obediently. Dawnstripe was letting him off easy. He still saw suspicious concern in her eye, but however upset he was with Shrewpaw, or with everything, she didn't deserve to deal with this. Even so, it had felt good to sink his claws into something. The two apprentices had to take a break from training together for a while after that.

---

Any interaction with Shrewpaw, however brief, always had Tallpaw returning to camp fired up and angry. Anger was something that held onto him longer and longer these days. It was the only feeling loud enough to block out everything else. It hadn’t boded well for his other relationships as he felt himself drifting further away from his friends.

Returning from camp after another session led him to Ryewhisker. He could tell from how her ears pinned back and her tail swished expectantly that she was going to scold him about something. It was a bad time, as he was in a foul mood from scolding himself for not yet perfecting the tag team fighting tactic Dawnstripe had been going over with him.

“Tallpaw,” Ryewhisker said carefully, “I can’t agree to keep doing extra training sessions with you if you're going to insist on pushing yourself too hard.”

“I know what my limits are,” Tallpaw said.

“That’s why you keep begging me not to tell your mentor about tumbling yourself down another ledge or reopening old scrapes when you get over eager? And refusing to see the medicine cats after? I’m happy to help any cat with extra training, but I’m not going to lie for you--”

“Then don’t!” snapped Tallpaw “I didn’t actually ask you to help me, if it’s such a big deal, then i’ll find someone else or just go back to practicing by myself when Dawnstripe’s busy. You don’t need to hang over me!”

Ryewhisker was a bit stunned. Fallowspring overheard and suddenly her muzzle was shoved in his face

“Don’t talk to my sister like that! She’s been nicer to you than you deserved lately,” she snapped, yellow-green eyes flaring. “Go roll yourself down a hill on your own if you want! Come on, Rye.”

Ryewhisker gave Tallpaw a doubtful look over her shoulder, then just shook her head and followed her sister.

“Fine.” Tallpaw muttered.

After Brackenwing, the once playful molly had followed Shrewpaw in his high-strung revenge drive. He was willing to bet Shrewpaw’s dislike for Tallpaw had rubbed off on Fallowspring. But she was right. Tallpaw hadn’t been very kind to the siblings, and Fawnleap was clearly distressed by the sudden bad blood between everyone. But Tallpaw couldn’t let himself be concerned about it. Shrewpaw cast him a sharp angry glance from where he sat across camp with his brother. Briarpaw didn’t look up at him. Tallpaw wondered how long it would take for the bitterness to rub off on Briarpaw too. But it was ok if they didn’t like him. Being well liked wasn't the goal.

Dawnstripe headbutted his shoulder, shaking him out of his thoughts. “What was all that about?” she asked.

Tallpaw snapped around to look up at her, trying not to look ashamed. He’d hoped she wouldn’t have seen any of that. “It’s nothing important. I’ll just...Find some other cat to help me in between our training sessions.

And there was that look again. Pity. Concern. Tallpaw tried so hard to look chipper. He refused to be a pain for his mentor like Shrewpaw was for Hareflight, and he was terrified of getting held back from his naming as well.

“You can’t train every second of your life, Tallpaw,” Dawnstripe mewed. “You're doing incredibly well. You’ve gotten back on your paws so quickly, even though I know these past two moons couldn’t have been easy for you. Pushing yourself too hard will be to your detriment.”

“Of course, Dawnstripe.” Tallpaw said.

“Why don’t you do something else? Have you visited the nursery?”

“The nursery? What for?”

“Meadowbreeze had her kits a few sunrises ago. They’re all healthy and she’s already excited for every cat to see them. We don’t want too many cats crowding, but she’s always liked you. I bet she’d like for you to meet them.”

Tallpaw frowned. Her kits were so young. Not yet named, and they wouldn’t be for at least another quarter moon. They were still uncertain. He wasn’t sure he wanted to look upon any kitten who might not be there soon, for all they knew. He shook the thought away. It was better he did not focus on the kits.

“I’ll clean the nests,” he offered “fetch fresh bedding.” That would at least keep him busy.

Dawnstripe looked a bit exasperated at his lack of enthusiasm, but Meadowbreeze hadn’t seen enough of him lately to notice his new temper. He didn’t want to risk making her uncomfortable when she had kits to focus on. Besides...Palebird still slept in the nursery sometimes.

Tallpaw dodged around Woollycloud when he went to fetch new moss. He could only stand so much pity for one day. Woollycloud was carrying a mouse to Palebird. He’d been trying everyday to get her to come out with him since she’d holed herself up in her burrow.

Woollycloud had spent a lot of time asking after her, Tallpaw lost track of how many times he’d told him 'no I don’t know where she is or how she’s doing. And no I don’t want to talk about how I'm doing either.' He didn’t know why he found himself annoyed at Woollycloud’s attention to him and his mother. He didn’t care what Palebird did. There was nothing left between them for him to care about.

He rarely saw Palebird as it was. He could only remember catching her eye once. She saw him arguing with Shrewpaw in camp one day, a fight that left him in a rage and he was sent to stomp around camp alone until he “calmed down.” Palebird held his gaze for only a few heartbeats with an unreadable expression before she disappeared back into her den. That was the extent of their relationship now.

Again, he thought, this was all for the best...At least it would be, but not if every cat kept looking at him strangely for it! The restless storm raging in his belly could not be made into a spectacle. If that meant never talking to his clanmates at all for matters that weren’t for necessary training or instructions, then that is what he would do.

But for all the unrest among his clanmates and former friends that Tallpaw created, it was nothing compared to the nightmares. Dreams that used to visit him only occasionally when he went to sleep particularly restless came back with a wrathful vengeance every time he shut his eyes. Hawkheart said they’d likely calm down soon after his tunnel accident, that it was normal to have vivid nightmares for a while after a frightening experience. But they never calmed down. If anything, they got worse.

They weren’t always the same, but they always felt the same. Usually they were the tunnel dreams. He was running. He willed his paws to move faster, but he felt slow and disconnected from his body. Something was coming after him, clawing its way through the dirt.

Other dreams were more bizarre. He would be out on the moor on a new moon night, when Silverpelt’s eye was closed to the world. Those were dangerous nights, nights when the good spirits of StarClan struggled to see. The moor suddenly fractured beneath his feet, jagged crevices like lightning bolts cracked through the fields. The cracks widened, taking down rocks and bushes and anything else above, sending it all plummeting into endless darkness deep, deep beneath. A stale wind blasted him in the face from below, and he gagged on a scent like rotten meat. Horror gripped him as he saw little points of light leering upward from the black. Eyes, hundreds of them, everywhere. A black shape raised a sticky paw from the cracks, darker than the deepest shadows. He remembered his childhood monster, a tottering decrepit cat with a rotted hare’s face. But sometimes it's’ hollow eyes were replaced with new ones, glowing a cold, dark amber. He couldn’t look up at it, too afraid to meet its gaze, afraid to see what it might do. He just closed his eyes and let himself fall.

Sometimes he even saw the face of that rogue as he fell. Sparrow stood above him with a mocking snarl, and then turned to kick soil down as if he was burying dirt. Or else, he’d be pushing one of Tallpaw’s clanmates over the edge as well while he helplessly watched. When Tallpaw locked eyes with the rogue, rage over took every other emotion. He’d reach for the tom with claws outstretched, overcome with an urge for violence he never knew in his waking life. He screeched in fury and tore at Sparrow, clawing and biting into fur and flesh. He wasn’t even sure who he was fighting. The form would morph into Shrewpaw instead, and then he'd draw back in shock. The dark brown fur was indistinguishable from the ground and the body crumbled to mud beneath his paws. And so did he. All his fury was nothing against the earth, he had nowhere to direct it, and it was useless against all the monsters’ eyes watching him fruitlessly struggle.

No matter how bizarre the dreams, that was the same. There was always feelings of helplessness. Of suffocating. Of desperation he couldn’t escape. Of despair over himself or his clanmates drowning, vanishing forever beneath him. And he nearly always woke up yowling.

It was so vivid and strange he couldn’t shake the feeling it couldn’t be normal. He was no medicine cat sharing prophetic dreams, but Tallpaw felt to his core a hateful presence lingering over him. The wrath of something restless, that would make sure he didn’t rest as long as it didn’t. In his waking life, he couldn’t bear to go anywhere within sight of a tunnel, whether it was dug by rabbit or cat.

He never felt comforted out on the moor anymore. The invisible eyes he imagined on him felt disapproving and angry. Kithood fears would come up to grip him again with memories of nursery tales about vengeful, angry spirits.

Tallpaw made a point to sleep as little as he could get away with. But Dawnstripe would shove him into a nest for a nap if he pushed it too hard. Eventually, he stopped sleeping in the apprentice den, to save himself from another argument with Shrewpaw. He moved to the unfinished dens on the far side of camp, the ones his father planned on excavating when the weather got warmer for the tunnelers to settle into during colder months, separate from the moor runners. They were shallow, and the ground was hard with very little grass. But it was as far away from the others as he could reasonably get, to avoid waking anyone with his night terrors. He sat alone with his thoughts turning, his fear and helplessness always being replaced with rage as soon as he awoke. Sleeping was a waste of time anyway when he could be active. He had to think of action. Tallpaw hoped once he got his name, once he had thrown everything into being the best warrior he could be, it would settle the restlessness. He would be more worthy...He hoped, anyway.

Each passing day, cat after cat steadily gave up asking if he was fairing ok. Being the most useful cat he could be was all he had to think about now.

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#cw depression #cw body horror #cw scary imagery #FRU26 #chapter 26

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elen-aranel · 3 years

Text

Down from Uptown

The Engineer’s Adventures

1-1 • 1-2 • 2 • 3 • 4

For @autumnleaves1991-blog Writer Wednesday. Pairing: Captain Christopher Pike x F!Reader (no Y/N) Warnings: Canon-typical violence; off-screen deaths of (young) adults WC: 6k Tag list: this isn’t the story I said I’d tag you for but it is Captain Pike X Reader @jusvibbbin ? does this count?? I can untag you! A/N: Me: it’s a one-shot Me: oh wait I can’t leave it there here’s a sequel @autumnleaves1991-blog: here’s another amazing Writer Wednesday prompt Me: I guess it’s a series of one shots now?? Also this is super long for me having written it in one day. Not sure where all these words came from. Other writers write feelings; come to me for a healthy dose of plot. tl;dr: Elen saw the picture and thought, what if Captain Pike, but driving a speeder?

It is all his fault.

You shouldn’t even have been here in the first place: you are an engineer. Not a diplomat. Sure you had read the briefing the comms team had put together, but maybe if you’d been better at reading alien body language, they wouldn’t have got the jump on you?

Now you’re sitting in what feels like a cellar, no windows, one flickering light panel above you, leaning against the wall feeling sorry for yourself.

Still. You will admit – having checked Chris over and determined, to the best of your knowledge from your limited field medic training, that he was probably fine – that you would rather be here with him than on the Enterprise worrying, powerless.

While you wait for him to wake you take an inventory of what you have, and think back to how you had gotten into this predicament.

“Are you sure, Chris?” He likes when you call him that, even if you’re on duty, so long as you’re alone. “It’s a first contact, and not even with a society that needs help from us. There’s got to be someone better than me?”

“Of course I’m sure. The Eloma value couple bonds; it would be strange not to take you. Unless,” —he peers up at you under his eyelashes, mouth quirking slightly,—”you don’t think you’re up to it? I could bring—”

“No, I’m up to it all right.” You bristle at the obvious manipulation attempt. You may not be as confident over away missions as the crew who go on them regularly, and your minor meltdown in Earth’s past still has you nervous about how you may react if things go wrong off the ship, but the only way to overcome worries like that is to confront them. You know you can do this. “Louvier’s going to be mad, that’s all. I promised him I’d oversee the shuttle upgrades.”

“You let me handle Louvier,” he says with a small smile.

“Well if I end up on gamma for the next two weeks and you don’t see me at all, you only have yourself to blame,” you say with a shrug.

“Being the captain does have its perks, you know. I can change the duty rosters if I wish.” He grins back, blue eyes sparkling and dimples on display, knowing he’s won this one.

The first impression you get of Eloma is calm beauty. You beam down to a roof garden high on a sky-scraper, with Captain Pike at your side, and Lieutenant Spock and Ensign James from security.

The garden is gorgeous. You meet your hosts on a paved area, but there are trees and flowerbeds all around, a few little paths winding between them, and you can see three ornate stone fountains behind your hosts, the largest of which shoots a plume of water into the air as you watch. You think you’d like to sit on one of the benches with a book – you would enjoy being able to hear the sounds of traffic wafting up from below (something between hover cars and shuttles by the sound of the engines), the horns beeping, and the occasional distant peal of laughter – it would be nice to feel part of all that but also separate from it.

You don’t have too long to dwell on your surroundings, however, because the captain is stepping forward to greet your hosts.

There are two native humanoid species who collectively make up the Eloma: the Mraden who are tall, grey haired with skin shades varying from sky through to ultramarine blue, faces humanlike apart from ridges beneath each eye; and the smaller, black haired, ice-white skinned Ginera who could almost pass for human if their skin was warmer in colour and their dark eyes didn’t flash silver at certain angles. A pair of Mraden and a pair of Ginera step forward to meet you, all wearing long white robes. You wonder if this is normal dress or whether it’s ceremonial, and you resist the temptation to smooth down your red jacket. The Mraden guards standing at attention behind your hosts are dressed more like you, though; a more practical black style.

“Greetings Captain, honoured partner,”—the Mraden lady looks at you as she says this, and you nod slightly in acknowledgement—”I am Nera, first lady of Eloma. May I welcome you on behalf of the first and second couples.” She gestures to her partner first, then to the Ginera couple, who bow. “We are delighted to open contact with the esteemed united Federation of planets, contact which I trust will lead to our mutual benefit.”

“Thank you, Nera. Myself, my partner and officers are grateful for your kind hospitality.”

You try to pay attention to the formalities between Nera, the Captain, and Lakir the first man, but you aren’t a diplomat, and beyond trying to keep your expression pleasant and listen out for anyone addressing you directly, your mind wanders a little. You wonder about the vehicles you can hear. You’re on top of a tall building, possibly the tallest you’ve been on, and as you look around past the trees and flowers you can see other buildings of similar heights. You think the gravity here may be a tiny bit lower than Earth standard, but this culture really does seem to use its sky space a lot.

You’re also interested in your hosts; although your briefing said that the Mraden and Ginera were equals on the planet, all the guards are Mraden and you’ve barely heard your Genera host’s voices, never mind their names. You wonder whether they communicate telepathically, or whether first and second couples switch between the species periodically. That’s probably it, you reason, and probably the first couple is responsible for security. You turn your attention to the fountains – the middle one is in the shape of a tree, and you’re marvelling at the individually carved leaves, when Chris takes your hand.

“Still with us?” He murmurs into your ear, as you look up to see your hosts are leading everyone through the garden.

“Of course,” you reply quietly, before raising your voice a little. “It’s just so beautiful.” Nera overhears that and smiles over her shoulder, and Chris squeezes your hand, pleased.

You follow the group past the fountains and to a door you hadn’t noticed before. It appears to lead down to a stairway and some guards go through, followed by the second couple, Spock and Ensign James, the first couple, then you and the captain.

But as you approach the doorway you hear a vehicle get louder, and suddenly the guards grab you. Your combat training kicks in as you see Chris struggling – you lean back and stomp on the guard’s foot, eliciting a stream of profanities as you try to elbow him in the solar plexus. But he’s a lot larger than you and had the benefit of surprise, and his grip doesn’t loosen as someone else stuffs a cloth in front of you and you can’t help breathing in the fumes, and you try to hang on but everything goes dark.

It is all his fault.

But blame will have to wait until later.

You assess yourself – other than a mild headache, probably due to dehydration, and a slightly bruised left hip, you feel fine. And the bruising isn’t going to slow you down if you need to make a run for it.

You go through your pockets. Your pants pockets are empty, but you unzip your uniform jacket and the inner one hasn’t been found – the custom one you modified the standard jacket synthesiser program for, because you always need to carry more than the uniform designers planned on, and you didn’t want delicate tools getting damaged when you shoved a communicator or PADD into your pants pocket.

You always have some tools with you because wherever you go, whether you’re on duty or not, someone will say, “You’re an engineer, right? Can you just have a quick look at...” and you make a show of grumbling but actually part of the reason you became an engineer in the first place is that you like to get things working for people. You’re grateful today that that extends to away missions.

You’re surprised to find your communicator on the floor near you, but as you pick it up you realise why it was left: it’s damaged. It had been in your left pocket, and whatever happened to you happened to it first; the casing is all bent and when you try to raise the Enterprise, you get nothing, not even static.

Figures that this would happen again, you think as you examine your communicator, assessing the damage. The real reason you shouldn’t be taken on away missions is because of your terrible luck. This one isn’t totally fried, you discover as you pry it apart and examine the components, but while it will still function as a translator, the transmitter was crushed. The communicator will work again if you can find a compatible part, but there’s no chance of communicating with the ship, and they can’t even lock on to your signal. You pull out the broken transmitter parts and put the case back together, and as you bend the cover back into shape you hear a groan.

“Captain?” You get up and crouch by him. He is leaning against the wall of your windowless cellar, blue eyes squinting. “How are you feeling?”

“A little sore, but fine. You?” He straightens, focusing on you, reaching out a hand to touch your cheek gently.

“I’m fine. A little bruised.” You lean into his touch, briefly, before sitting back down next to him.

“What happened? I remember following our hosts, then a fight, and now I’m here..?”

“Wherever here is. That’s all I remember too. I hope Spock and James are okay.” Now Chris is awake your brain is allowing itself to worry. You frown. You can’t panic again like last time.

“What’s going on in there?” Chris is looking at you, concerned.

“Just... making a decision. To be strong. It sounds silly when I say it out loud.”

He leans over and places a soft kiss on your lips, and for just a moment you forget where you are – it’s just you and him, and the special thing that you have between you. “That’s a decision we all have to make,” he says as he pulls away, thoughtful. “It becomes... less conscious. With time.”

You nod, and you take a moment to breathe. You’ve got this.

“Seems like they’ve been through our pockets,” Chris says, getting to his feet. “My communicator is gone.” He walks over to the door, which is locked. That was going to be your next project.

“I still have mine but unfortunately it won’t communicate,” you say, standing too. “The transmitter got broken at some point. The translation functions are still operational though and it has power.”

“Can you fix it?”

“I’m good, but not that good,” you say, pulling the pieces of the component out your pocket to show him.

“Ah. Any ideas? Other than waiting?”

“After I failed with the communicator I was going to try to pick the lock,” you say, heading toward the door.

“With what?”

“With this.” You pull out a tool with a hook on it which you use to lever broken components off boards when they’re too small for your fingers.

“How do you–”

Chris’s question is cut off by the door in question opening. You just have time to put your tool in your pants pocket before two Ginera appear, brandishing energy weapons. You raise your hands and back away.

“Sit down,” the lead one says, waving his weapon, and you both comply. The other, also male, steps round him and puts two bottles of water on the floor, and a plate of what looks to be food.

“I’m Captain Christopher Pike, of the United Federation of Planets. I promise if you let us go unharmed my people won’t seek punishment against you, or retribution. If not, though, they will come after us.”

The boy, and he is a boy, you realise, twenty at most, snickers. “We don’t intend to hurt you, but we’re not going to let the best chance the GLG has had to be taken seriously go just like that. Sorry.”

“The GLG?” Chris asks, voice gentle. Unthreatening.

“Ginera Liberation Group. And no, your ship knows we have you, but they’re not going to find you. We called them on your communicator, Captain, and told them we had you, and not to look. We weren’t stupid enough to call from here, either,” he adds, and a little spark of hope in you flares out. “And there are 60 million people in this city alone, they’re not going to be able to resolve the life signs of... whatever you are, among all of us.”

“And what is it that the... Ginera Liberation Group wants?”

“To wake people up. To tell the Mraden”—he spits out the word like it’s a curse—”that we won’t take being treated as second-class citizens anymore. And to give the Ginera hope – that we can take back what’s ours. We don’t need their skyscraper cities, where they force us to live in the dirt. We don’t need their language or their stupid pair bonds. We had our own society before and we can have it again.”

Chris sighs, and leans back, looking up at the boy. “Take it from someone who is old enough to be your dad: taking hostages is not the way. The Federation won’t pay a ransom for us. The Mraden won’t listen to you while you have us. But if you let me go, we can have Federation diplomats come, and—”

“We’ve had enough of diplomacy, Captain. We’re taking matters into our own hands now. Enjoy your food.” He turns abruptly and stalks out, his companion in tow.

Chris examines the food – there are four pre-packaged energy bars. He passes one to you, opening one himself. “Might as well do what the kid says.” He takes a bite, grimacing slightly.

You are not hungry, but you take a bite of yours anyway – you know you need to keep your strength up. You grimace too – the flavour is a weird combination of sweet citrus and something almost cheesy. In general you like salt and sweet but this is not it.

Still you force yourself to finish it; you both need to keep your strength up. Thankfully the drink is just water.

After you’ve finished eating Chris speaks again.

“So how about getting out of here? How do you still have that tool, anyway?”

“I have a pocket in my jacket. I have done for years. It’s reinforced so you don’t see it from the outside – as an ensign my commanding officer cared more about aesthetics than practicality – and that’s where I keep my more delicate tools.”

“Ever the engineer, huh?” Chris’s expression is fond and you smile back, warm inside despite your situation. “Come on.”

He stands, and puts his hand out for you. You grasp hold of it and pull yourself up, appreciating the contact. You go to the door, hook tool in hand, and listen at it first. When you’re sure you don’t hear anything from the other side you gingerly put the tool into the keyhole. It doesn’t shock you, which is a good start, but it still takes a few minutes to work out the structure. Chris is patient while you work, not breathing down your neck. You smile in satisfaction as the lock softly clicks open.

“Well done. I figure we sneak out of here then try to alert local law enforcement. Hopefully they can put us in touch with Nera’s people, who can get us back to the ship.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you say, stepping back to let him take the lead.

You follow him along a little corridor then up a flight of stairs, pausing when he motions you to stop. You can hear voices coming from your left and he eases the door open then gestures you to follow again. You catch a glimpse of the room your captors are in on the way past, but happily they have their back to you, looking at a display screen. Then you’re past them, to the front door. Chris opens it as carefully as he can but the last bolt is stiff and scrapes as it opens. You sense movement behind you but you’re through, slamming the door shut behind you, racing across the street and into an alleyway on the other side before they get out. You keep going behind the building opposite, and then Chris has you double back to face the street you were on. You peep round the edge of the building – your captors are standing in their doorway, the leader berating his companion, although you can’t hear what he’s saying.

You step back into the alley.

“Well, the—” Chris starts to say, but he’s interrupted by a loud bang. An explosion. People are screaming and you smell smoke, see orange light from flames.

You follow Chris back onto the street but the building you were in, small, apparently, just three stories amongst all the giant skyscrapers, is billowing flame and smoke from all its windows, on all floors. There’s a crowd of people standing, staring in disbelief, as the last window shatters, sprinkling glass over the crowd.

You turn to Chris. “We—we were—”

“I know,” he says, reaching for your hand. You take it, hearing sirens getting louder. You walk toward the building, knowing there was no way the boys could have survived. You stand at the edge of the crowd, looking at the smoke billowing out, as the authorities arrive.

First there are some Ginera on what looks like a fire appliance. They begin to set up hoses, faces grim. Then some Mraden swoop down in a vehicle painted white with a green logo on it. The crowd, who you notice is made up mostly of Ginera, back away slightly. Chris tows you forward, toward the Mraden who are wearing the same uniform as the guards were in the garden, who knows how long ago. They’re not the same people; their skin tones are both quite pale, but to your horror as soon as they see you they raise their weapons and fire.

You’re running again, keeping up with Chris who leads you straight into the smoke and through, round the corner of the block, down the street, into an alley, out onto another street, into yet another alley, until he’s certain you’re not being followed.

You breathe heavily, holding your hip – you were able to run, and could again, but it hurts.

“That was... unexpected,” Chris says, deadpan, and suddenly you find you have your arms around him, holding tight.

“Too close for comfort,” you say, pulling away a little, as he pats your back.

“I really did think this mission was going to be normal,” he shrugs a little as you step away. “Definitely not worse than last time.”

“I mean I know in theory that away missions are dangerous, but I—I didn’t expect someone I thought was going to help us to shoot.”

“Yeah.” He shakes his head. “Seems like we were supposed to die in that fire...” he frowns as you both try to make sense of what just happened.

“What if it’s all a trick?” You muse aloud. “What if the Mraden are the ones who want us to die? Then they can blame the Ginera and crack down on them even further. And all they had to do was manipulate some kids...?”

Chris’s blue eyes are serious. “You’re right. That’s the only explanation that makes sense. We need to contact the ship. But we can’t trust anyone, and we need to get away from here.” He eyes you speculatively. “It’s an old-fashioned term, so I hope you’ve heard it before, but how do you feel about grand theft auto?”

“It’s called a speeder,” you say, frowning at the display. It hadn’t taken you long to find and break into a suitable vehicle. It was small, rust coloured and nondescript – not shiny and new, but not banged up either. You popped the doors up and open with ease; not that lock picking was anything you’d tried before today, not really, but you may have broken into a shuttle or two during your academy days.

Chris had got in on the drivers side, leaving you to puzzle out the on-board computer with the help of your communicator.

“I’ve hacked into the admin menu and changed the transceiver code; we need to use it to change lanes and stuff – to move up and down.” You scroll though the options in front of you, displaying in English now, rather than the the native Eloma language. Maybe the native Mraden language, you think wryly, as you find a setting which taps into the city’s store directory.

“There’s a hardware store in a block a couple of miles east of here. I know we can’t trust anyone but I think we may have to try. As far as I can tell it’s quite low down – only on the second level. I think it’s more likely to be Ginera than Mraden.”

Chris pauses from where he’s examining the controls. “We may be better off with the Ginera. I’m willing to bet our captors were a fringe group. I’m sure a lot of the Ginera agree with their goals, but probably not their means. They may be less inclined to report us to the authorities.” He nods. “All right. Strap in. Let’s get this show on the road,” he says, as he presses the ignition.

You look out the windshield at the street around you as Chris gets the speeder moving; with all your running away earlier you hadn’t paid attention to your surroundings beyond wondering whether you could be seen. It’s grey, down here. Drab, even with all the colourful advertising signs. There’s a layer of grime, something dirty in the atmosphere.

You stare out the window as you drive, keeping an eye out for law enforcement, but you don’t see any. As you get further east the traffic gets a little lighter. You eye Chris sidelong; he seems relaxed as he navigates the unfamiliar city.

“Time to go up,” he says, pressing a control and pulling a lever. You see a flashing indicator to see you have permission to change level, and then you’re ascending.

You’ve spent lots of time in shuttles, piloted yourself in an out of orbit more than a few times, but it feels different in a speeder. More immediate, somehow.

Up here the traffic is moving faster, and you see many different speeders, in all colours and all designs. Some of the buildings have balconies with people, mainly Ginera, sitting reading, hanging out washing – a slice of daily life.

You pass a major junction, impressed with how Chris is handling the traffic signals, and the buildings change – the road is a bit wider, and the shops have speeder parks outside.

You wish your briefing notes had mentioned the local currency, not that knowing about it would do you any good.

“I think we’re here,” Chris says, as he slows the speeder down and sets it down in front of a shop. You look at the sign – you can’t read it but it has the same logo as in the store directory. “Will you be okay to go in alone? I think I should stay here...”

“In case we need to make a fast exit? Aye Captain.” You catch his eye and grin, unplugging the communicator and climbing out of the speeder.

Louvier would love this place, you think as you look around the dark interior. The aisles are narrow and full of parts, a few of which you recognise, and most of which you don’t. There are bins with various components like resistors and capacitors, and power supplies, regulator circuitry, almost anything you could want. Except, as far as you can see, the thing you need – a transmitter.

At the back of the store, sitting behind a counter, is an older Ginera female, hair greying a little, screwdriver tucked behind her ear as she focuses on soldering a circuit. You wait for her to put the iron down.

“Excuse me? I’m wondering if you can help.” She looks up and her eyes widen – she can’t see aliens too often, you think.

“You—” she frowns, shakes her head. “You’re from that starship. But the news net said you were dead. Murdered by those GLG kids.”

“You, um... can’t believe everything you see on the net?”

“They said that the legislature was going to be recalled. That your people are going to come and punish us.”

“That’s—that’s not who we are, at all. Even if some kids had killed us the Federation would never retaliate like that. They would try to find us, if they thought we were alive, and it might complicate negotiations between our peoples but there would be no punishment. But... how many did they say died?”

“The two of you who were abducted from the first couple’s garden.”

Spock and James were safe. The fist bit of good news you’d had today.

“I really need to call my ship, let them know that we’re alive. But my communicator is broken. Do you have a micro transmitter? Something like this?”

You lean down over the low counter to show her your broken component.

“I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “Nothing I’ve got here would be able to take the power you’d need for orbital communications. We don’t need things like that down here.”

Your shoulders slump. “Thanks anyway,” you say, straightening up.

“Wait. My cousin works in a shop at the shipyards by the spaceport. He’ll have what you need.” She rummages under the counter and produces a business card. “That will show you the way. His name is Jima. Tell him Asba sent you, he’ll give it to you for free.”

“Thank you, so much,” you say, taking the card and putting it in your pocket. “You don’t know how grateful I am, truly.”

“You’re welcome, love.” She turns her soldering iron on again, and smiles at you before getting back to work. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“So am I,” you say, as you turn to leave the shop.

“I have good news and bad news,” you say, as you plug the communicator back into the speeder and put the card into a slot that’s clearly designed for such things: a route shows up on the screen.

“Bad news first,” Chris says with a wry smile, easing the speeder back into traffic. “Although I can guess what it is considering we’re not calling for a beam out right now.”

“ I should have said great, good, bad and worse. You’re right about the bad news – she didn’t have the part. The worse news is that she thinks we’re dead and the Federation is going to come and get revenge on the planet.”

“The Federation will what?” Chris almost swerves into another speeder as he takes the turn late, narrowly missing and causing the other speeder to honk its horn angrily. “Sorry about that,” he adds, a little sheepish.

“My fault for not warning you before dropping bombs. But the good news is Asba in the shop gave us the route you’re following to the shop where her cousin works near the spaceport. And the great news is that we were the only ones captured – Spock and James should be fine.”

“Oh thank god,” he says, fervent.

You access the speeder’s admin menu again as he drives and change the transceiver code again, mainly for something to do, but partly in case the driver of the speeder you nearly hit decides to call the authorities. Then you review your route. The shop you’re going to is several levels higher than you are now; you hope your speeder won’t stick out too much up there.

There are plenty of new things to see out the window, though. As you get higher the buildings are cleaner, windows larger. The shops you see have more elaborate displays with fancier goods, there are more Mraden around, and, as the light begins to turn golden, you pass your first park, full of Mraden children playing.

“The GLG had a point,” you say, almost to yourself.

“In what way?”

“The higher you get, the nicer it is, and the more Madren I’m seeing. Obviously their methods are wrong but... I kind of get it.”

“When we get out of here, I’m going to tell the Federation negotiators that we shouldn’t agree to anything without conditions of the Ginera being discussed. It feels a little like letting the bad guys get what they want in a way, but you can’t make an entire culture suffer because a couple of kids make a stupid choice.”

“And they were probably manipulated, too. That doesn’t excuse them, but—” you lock eyes with a Mraden enforcer as you pass a junction. She recognises you, even through the glass, and mutters into a communicator of some kind.

”But?”

“We’ve been spotted. Turn left! Now!”

Chris makes the turn, speeding up as he also changes up a level. He weaves in and out of traffic, trying to shake your tail, while you hold on for dear life, glad that you strapped in.

“Relax,” he says, as he takes another alarming turn, flying away from another chorus of horns. “My first assignment in Starfleet was as a test pilot.”

“That’s... um... good to know,” you say, weakly, as he brings you up another level and slows sharply. He takes the next turn at a much more sedate pace, before spotting an empty lane in front of you and speeding up again.

“Are we nearly there yet?” You ask, getting a laugh.

“Actually we are.” As you look around you realise you’re on the edge of the industrial district. Ahead you can just see some star ships, a large freighter and shuttles flying around it. “And hopefully we lost them.”

You reset the transceiver code for the third time, back to its factory default, as Chris makes a right between two tall buildings. You switch the transceiver off completely before he makes two more turns; hopefully it’s owner will be able to pick up the signal when it came on again and find it.

“I’ll come too this time.” Chris says, opening his door.

“Thank you for not crashing,” you say as you exit the speeder.

“Any time,” he says, and you both laugh as you enter the shop.

Where the last shop was cramped, this one is spacious. You recognise a lot more components here; they’re not Federation but they’re ship components and you understand what they do.

You and Chris find the small bin with the piece you need pretty quickly, but it’s locked, and you look around for help. You feel eyes on your back and you turn to see a Ginera male looking at you curiously.

“Excuse me,” you say, tone polite and not too eager, “do you know Jima? We’re looking for him.”

“I’m Jima,” he says, stepping closer. Chris puts his hand on your back; for your sake or his you can’t say.

“Asba sent us. She said you could help me get a component to fix my communicator?”

“Is this what you need?” He indicates the bin you were looking at. He pitches his voice quiet and you match it.

“Yes. This is the one I need.”

He unlocks the bin, takes a couple of transmitters out, and beckons you to follow, keeping an eye on the only other customer, a Mraden male. You pass between the aisles to the edge of the store, quietly following his lead, and go through a doorway.

“Asba called me, said you’d be coming. She also said to keep you out of sight. You should be safe here, to fix your tech. Call me if you need anything.” He steps back through the doorway as you hear some other customers enter the shop.

You put that out of mind though, as you hand Chris the communicator while you get your tools out. You can feel tension radiating off him as you take it back but you ignore that too. This is fixing things. It’s what you do. You open the cover and slot the component in, bending a couple of pins to fit and adjusting the power output to compensate for the non standard part.

“They were seen in this area. The speeder they stole is just out here.” Even though you’re concentrating, you can’t shut off your ears entirely. The people you thought were customers when they entered? Law enforcement.

You shut the cover again and hand it back to Chris.

“Didn’t I see them with you, Jima? They must be in the overflow storage.”

You hear loud footsteps as Chris says, “Pike to Enterprise! Get us out of here now!”

He reaches for your hand catching hold as the Mraden enforcement officers come through the door, and the gold light takes you, leaving them staring.

You thought you were glad to get back to Enterprise after you were on Earth. But that was nothing to how you feel now. You keep it together, however, in front of Number One, Spock, and the transporter technician.

“They said you were dead,”Number One says in greeting. “They showed us the burning building. They showed us your burnt communicator with the power cell removed. They said that was the only thing that survived.”

“What’s the quote? ‘The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated’?” Pike shrugs, giving her a half smile.

“ ‘The report of my death was an exaggeration.’ I’m glad you’re okay, Chris, but don’t do that to me again. At least not for another month.”

You shower in your own quarters, having got your bruise treated in sickbay, trying to calm down. Away missions are still a lot. Chris told you to take twenty four before reporting for duty again, and you will, but you get a report written first – you need to make sure that Jima and Asba are safe, and that the ship sends some compensation to the person whose speeder you stole. That done, you check with the computer, change into civvies and join Chris in his quarters.

“Hey,” he says as you walk in, standing from where he was sitting by the window and drawing you into a hug, then a soft kiss. You bring a hand up to his face, running you fingers over the stubble that’s there after a very long day, and kiss him back, heated, your lips moving across his, his tongue licking into your mouth. You pull apart, staring up into his blue eyes.

“You were right,” he says, drawing you across the room to sit next to him on the couch. “There was a Mraden plot. Nera and Lakir have resigned, although they claim they didn’t know what was going on, and Tura and Sama, the Ginera second couple, have taken power until they can hold new elections. It’s going to be a tough road for Eloma, if they’re going to properly confront their problems, but the Federation will help.”

“I’m glad,” you say, leaning into him, enjoying how safe you feel with his arm around you. “I—I hope those boys’ sacrifice turns out to be worth it.”

“Yeah,” he says, kissing your head, and you sit in silence for few minutes.

“Dinner?” He asks eventually.

“Yes if we can have your chilli again. I think we’ve earned it.”

“Oh you definitely did,” he replies, standing to go over to the synthesiser.

“Lieutenant?” It’s two days later and you’re on your way to Engineering from the mess hall. You turn in the corridor, to see Number One standing there, an amused expression on her face.

“Commander?”

“Next time he asks you to go on an away mission, just say no.”

#christopher pike #christopher pike x reader #christopher pike x you #Captain Pike #writings of the girl from outer space #fanfic #fanfiction #star trek discovery #star trek strange new worlds #writer wednesday #The Engineer's Adventures

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

Text

In a mood and I’m trying not to be, but oof. Not easy at the moment. Real life stresses are kicking my butt and I’m decidedly limited in resources for addressing that at the moment, so might as well get this off my chest, lol. Already lost the usual fifty followers or so I lose every single time I post about stuff the way I did the other day, so what’s some more, y’know?

So earlier today I tried to get my mind off things with some fic, and happened across one I hadn’t read before that promised Jason and Dick talking things out and bonding. Halfway through I sighed and went oh, this is familiar, and skipped to the bottom to check the end notes and comments to see if there was any mention of this next part, but nope. The reason for the sigh was it took me about halfway into the fic to realize that it was blatantly inspired by my post about what if Jason was missing some memories from his death/resurrection and the Pit, like specifically the ski trip they took, stuff like that. Now I’m not so egotistical as to think nobody but me has certain ideas, but its fairly easy for me to recognize when someone is basing something off a post of mine because of specific turns of phrases that I use and like, they hit ten or so bullet points from my post without missing a one. Like, there’s parallel evolution and similar ideas, and then there’s going down a check list, y’know?

And don’t get me wrong....I don’t mind people basing stuff of my posts, being inspired by them, etc. I WANT that. I’m GLAD to have that happen.

The part I mind is the way this all ties back into my interaction with fandom as a whole....and this fandom’s interaction with me. Which I don’t tend to hear NEARLY as much about as I tend to have people giving me shit about my impact on fandom....but ONLY the negative impact.

In the four years or so that I’ve been active in this fandom, I can think of only three people who have given me some kinda shout out for being the basis of one of their fics. Three people. And in that time I’ve come across literal dozens of fics that I am almost certain can trace their way back to popular posts of mine. There’s the post about Jason’s memories and the ski trip for one - this fic isn’t an isolated occurrence, I’ve found a good half a dozen or so I feel fall into the same pattern. There’s fics based off my posts about how fucked up the blame Dick got for Spyral was, with my certainty based on the fact that I know I’m the only fucking person who ever brought up various key phrases like “Bruce not having an extraction plan for Dick’s highly dangerous undercover op, leaving him stranded when Bruce got/(chose) amnesia.” I made a big deal about that in a few posts because of the fact I NEVER saw that particular element raised in any fics, and a couple months after I started including that bit regularly, I was seeing the words ‘without an extraction plan’ in every other new post Spyral fic. That’s not a coincidence.

There’s been stuff that included bits and phrasings from my post about Dick and Jason being partners who focused on helping kids who had been abused specifically....oh wait, no, my bad. The two fics I’m thinking of there lifted straight up entire lines from that post but just made it about Jason and TIM doing that instead, despite like.....the entire basis of that headcanon stemming from Dick’s juvie origin but whatever. There’s been stuff based on juvie posts of mine, stuff based on posts I’ve made about Mirage, there’s been stuff based on the post about Jason looking into why Dick was undercover as a mob enforcer and then Renegade, there’s been stuff clearly inspired by my headcanons about Jason calling Dick for advice after the Garzonas case. I could go on. There’s a fucking LOT.

I don’t try to give myself too much credit but I’m not unaware of being a loud voice in this fandom and that having an impact. And like I said, I’m not adverse to inspiring people to make their own stuff based off an idea they initially saw me present. That’s fine. People should feel free to do that. My problem is that none of this exists in a vacuum. It exists in a fandom where I regularly get people lecturing me on my presentation, people hyping up how negative I make fandom, my condescension, my anger, my hostility, etc, etc.

But the thing I never see is any awareness whatsoever that like....dudes, I’m literally just a guy on the internet. And that goes two ways. Yeah, I have an impact on people, but they have one on me too. And I’m tired and frustrated by it being acted like this is a one way street and everyone is just helpless victims of my bullying, while meanwhile SOME OF THE EXACT SAME PEOPLE GIVING ME CRAP FOR MY NEGATIVITY are ACTIVELY adding to their own fics with stuff that I JUST posted about.

And like, I see people vagueblogging about the negativity on their dashes and its impact on fandom right after I have a Dick Grayson rant blow up and get a few hundred notes......but its acted like I DID that to fandom, that’s my negativity and mine alone when its like....y’know, if you’re not following me yourself, and this stuff is still on your dash, you uh....have to be following people who reblog my negative posts for some reason or another. And given that there are obviously reasons you follow THOSE people, maybe instead of worrying about what I’M doing all the time, you can spare a thought or two for the fact that I don’t have any power to make people reblog anything, and for whatever reason, something about my oh so negative post resonated with those people reblogging it onto your dash, which also kinda suggests it wasn’t negative in THEIR eyes, but was actually a kind of validation of thoughts or feelings they already had?

Trust me, there’s no mind control ray at work here. This mood is also brought to you by the cricket sounds that come every time I fucking BEG people to reblog and signal boost posts I make about rape/abuse fandom trends and depictions from my POV as a survivor, specifically. Like I mentioned, I LOSE followers every time I bring that stuff up. It doesn’t benefit me in any way whatsoever, in fact my notes tend to go comparatively radio silent for a good couple weeks after I go off on one of those jaunts, because idk, people don’t want THEIR mutuals and followers to think they agree with some of my oh so controversial stances?

Actually, I say idk, but I do know is the thing, because people actually go on anon and tell me they appreciate me posting stuff like this, and its like.....that....doesn’t actually make me feel good? Because I never expect any single person in particular to reblog me, but when I say crickets after I post on those topics, I mean CRICKETS. I’m lucky if I can get five reblogs on those posts in total, and those are usually all from the same people. It actually kinda sucks knowing that people agree with me and what I have to say there, but they won’t put it on their own blogs because this fandom is so fucking STEEPED in its views, they don’t want to risk their friendships or back-and-forths with certain popular fandom authors by rocking the boat.

Because meanwhile I’m making myself target practice for the people who really would like me to shut up on certain topics but are too cowardly to ever confront me directly about why they dislike what I have to say there, in the vain hope that other people might finally even just START to pass some of that on even for consideration....because I can make waves by myself just by being loud and consistent, but I can’t do shit to actually make CHANGE without other people agreeing in PUBLIC so that fandom is forced to confront the fact that no, certain opinions aren’t just one loud asshole being annoying, there’s an actual viewpoint here that people actually have in greater numbers than we realized and we DON’T have as much of a monopoly on this topic as we thought.

I have anons who give me shit accusing me of driving off certain authors by making this fandom not fun for them anymore, when like, I never even fucking INTERACTED with the authors in question. Some of the names I’m accused of driving off I don’t even KNOW. I’m called an ‘abusive survivor shaming cunt’ with zero irony or self-awareness that they’re literally doing the exact same thing because they don’t like the stance *I* take as a survivor posting about how ‘some survivors use dark fic/rape fantasy to cope’ shouldn’t be treated as a monolithic defense of such things if it leads directly into the same kind of survivor shaming other people view criticism of such fic as being in the first place.

I’ve had to unfollow mutuals because I post about how reblogging posts about purity culture is a direct fucking slap into the face to people like me whose stances on fandom culture are directly based on our own personal experiences and the intersection those have with various popular fandom takes.....like you don’t have to agree with all my takes obviously, but if you can’t see how framing a naive pursuit of ideological purity as the only possible reason people object to certain fandom trends when I’m literally standing right here saying no actually, the way these fandom trends impact me is the reason for me saying the things I say when I say “here’s how this fandom trend impacts me”.....like.....c’mon.

And I’ve had mutuals unfollow me because despite following me because they liked my takes on social justice issues THEY care about, I just ‘post too much about what’s really just a personal issue’ and has no larger social relevance whatsoever, obviously. LOL. (Oh and this of course has nothing to do with them getting friendly with various popular authors on discord, who happen to be vocal about ‘disapproving’ of any fic criticism whatsoever. Just FYI, there’s a reason I haven’t followed anyone new or made any new mutuals in like....a year. I have my reasons for being....not quick about that).

I get condescended to constantly about not minding the tags, and then radio silence when I list literal examples of ways in which people haven’t tagged things correctly, tagged things at all, or literally used the tags in an attempt TO trigger people they just don’t like.

And meanwhile, allllllll of this keeps happening while the general narrative is I’m this loud asshole guy with zero concern about anything but his own personal likes or dislikes and who makes fandom a negative place that’s unwelcoming in general. And with basically zero mention of all the ways in which I’ve contributed to this fandom, the amount of content I’ve made that has DIRECTLY inspired people, and the productive conversations I’ve started which have resulted in people actually changing the way they approach various characters or dynamics in fics.

Its THAT part that bugs me, specifically.

Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again now.....I’m not anyone’s victim. Negative fandom interactions are negative fandom interactions. All this complaining I’m doing here - lol, that’s all it is. I’m venting. I’m pissed off and I think its relevant to a greater fandom dynamic or tendencies a lot of people unknowingly or consciously reinforce, and so I’m just fucking SAYING it because while its not something I EXPECT this post will do much to change, if at all, I would still like it to change so any effort towards that end is still better than no effort at all...hence, my posting this rather than bottling it up so at least people have it to consider.

If you don’t agree with it, if you don’t like that it exists at all, if it ruins your day to have to consider whether or not you or people you know or even like are active participants in what someone else is describing as y’know....fairly day-ruining in its own way? Hit that unfollow, that block, that make new text post button of your own and have your own rant about what a douchebag I am.

Literally all I’m trying to express is like.....fa*ndom’s got a lot to say about the stuff I have to say about fandom, but like....this is a two way interaction. A lot of people make a big deal about MY impact (again, JUST the negative though, lol) but I don’t ever see anyone ever addressing anyone else about hey maybe you could spare a thought or two about YOUR impact for a change as well.

I mean, what if....just maybe...what if.....a lot of my behavior or attitude has a lot to do with how people approach or talk about me BEFORE that display of attitude or certain behavior? Weirdly....I feel like maybe something that could then have a transformative effect on the kind of behavior or attitude people dislike from me....is.....them acknowledging or addressing things they might have done to prompt certain responses from me?

I don’t actually like being whiny or negative or down in general, just to be clear? If I see something I have a problem with or think could use change or improvement, I say so - but I pretty much always put an effort into expressing both WHY and HOW I think possible change could look - because I’m not generally interested in being negative for the sake of just being negative. I just....want things to be better. That’s not an obsession with purity or perfection, btw, I will NEVER understand how people think that survivors of rape and abuse (which include a lot more ‘antis’ than anyone else seems to want to acknowledge) and the like EVER expects perfection or thinks that the world will ever produce that - lol no I’m actually pretty clear that things being perfect is pointless, I’m just interested in BETTER.

But I mean, I like being goofy and silly and also analytical and contemplative and also creative and spontaneous. I like lots of things. I like lots of moods. I like producing, creating, generating, interacting, engaging, I like a million things more than I like THIS kind of mood, THIS kind of post.

But I’m just not someone who is content to sit and stew in that sort of thing when I know full well that the problem does not actually stem from something broken or flawed inside of me, because I’m also someone who does believe very strongly in periodic bouts of self-reflection and honest self-assessment.....so that I can change things about myself when and where I feel necessary. But this also has the effect of me also being VERY aware of when the problem is not internal, but actually just me having a perfectly valid reaction or emotional response to outside stimulus. Aka fandom’s interaction with me, every bit as much as my interaction with fandom.

So....posts like this. I’ll do my usual rituals, get myself back onto my preferred trains of thought soon enough on my own, because ultimately that is all I can control and just because I make posts like this doesn’t mean I ever EXPECT any specific result - or a result at all - to come from it.

But, y’know, sue me for being hopeful.

I know. What an ass am I?

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