#tum sprites soon! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

i-have-been-changed-for-good · 6 years

Text

Betrayal

Tuesday - Scott comes in late, so I didn’t get to say hi to him. I have to go out into the warehouse, but he doesn’t acknowledge me on my way out or back in. I only hear him about twice throughout the morning, but it sounds like he is not in a good mood at all, and I wonder what could be wrong.

When I go on lunch, I see the top of his black hat bobbing up and down above the cubicle wall along where the microwave and mini fridge are. He’s headed in the same direction as me. I see him, and he’s angled so that he sees me too. He turns to me and greets me. He stops walking so I can catch up to him and he lets me go ahead of him on the stairs. I ask him how his day off was and he says it was just okay and that he spent the day watching his daughter since his babysitter is down the shore right now. He says he feels awful because he took this new stomach medication, which instantly made his problem go away, but it gave him other bad side effects that are even worse. He has a terrible headache and doesn’t feel good. This would explain him not seeming in a good mood. We go upstairs and he grabs an open Sprite can out of the fridge and ice out of the freezer. He’s still talking about his issue with the meds. He’s just going to switch back to his old meds, even though they’re not as effective. I tell him i didn’t know his stomach was still that bad. He says he’s still having some pain and acid reflux and I tell him I have Tums if he wants some. (I was having acid reflux over the weekend, which I’ve never gotten before except a few times after drinking a lot. I didn’t drink this weekend though. I don’t tell Scott I was having that because there’s been so many times my pains have mirrored his, and I don’t want him to think I’m making it all up.) He declines my offer of the Tums and thanks me. We reach the bottom of the stairs and I go down my hallway and he turns right, the way he came, to go back down his hall. When I go in Scott’s office during my lunch, he’s busy. I ask him how his weekend was, and he says he didn’t do anything really worth talking about. So yesterday an order was picked that Scott took the end of June, and some parts on there were new and Scott had entered them. One of the parts, that was in all caps, said “Dipstick Tube Assy."

I saw that and cracked up laughing, took a pic, and sent it to some people on Snapchat. And of course, I had every intention of bringing it up to Scott. So I ask him, "Okay, so what is this?” and I show him the picture. At first, he thinks I’m talking about my bitmoji in the pic, but then he sees “dipstick tube assy”. He says that’s how the part is listed so that’s how he entered it, and we crack up laughing. I tell him it took me a good minute to figure out that meant “assembly”. He gets a few phone calls while I’m in there, which Scott is annoyed by. He ends up writing something down and I watch him do this. I tell him he has nice writing and he says, “Really? You think so?” and I tell him I do. He has yet again, another eye doctor appointment, so he has to leave early. I tell him he’s probably missed a full day’s work by now just leaving early for eye doctor appointments. He laughs and agrees. I tell him my blue light glasses came in today and he asks if I wore them, then realizes that that’s not possible. I tell him about the iced matcha green tea latte with coconut milk that I had from Starbucks over the weekend and that I recommend it. We get talking on the pumpkin spice stuff coming out next week. I show him my van Gogh shoes that I ordered and he says they’re cool, not his style but they’re neat. I love them. Scott then mentions how Angelo fucked him over on something, which is nothing new. Angelo is in the UK this week, so I say how I told Angelo once when he came back from the UK I was jealous and he asked why and I said because I love British accents. The way they call the TV “telly”…ugh so good. And cookies are “biscuits”. I ask Scott if he’s ever had the biscuits/cookies on an air flight and he says he hasn’t, so I tell him if he’s ever offered them to accept cuz they’re so good. He says how Peppa the Pig is British, so when he reads to his daughter he changes “mummy” to “mommy.” I tell him how in high school I used to listen to a lot of punk music cuz I thought I was cool (I did enjoy it tho, still do some of it) and how I used to watch this show with Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols. I used to think it was so great how he would tell everyone “Piss off” cuz I had never heard anyone actually talk like that before and I thought it was great. I also tell him my phone notification is a Harry Potter character (Ron) saying “Bloody hell” and everyone always comments on it lol. Scott mentions how Steve goes on vacation this week, which I have been waiting for all month. Of course, this good thing must be balanced out with a bad thing, which is Scott took off labor day week, so I won’t see him for about a week and a half, if you include weekends. Scott isn’t looking forward to handling their workload by himself, which I don’t blame him. I tell him that he has to tell Steve to bring him back a souvenir from Disney for all his hard work. I say, “Maybe some Mickey ears” and Scott says that sounds good. He asks me how shopping was and I tell him i only got a few things: a sweater and an outfit for a wedding I’m going to soon. I also got bras, but wasn’t sure if I should mention those, so I didn’t lol. He asks me whose wedding it is and I tell him i don’t know. He side-eyes me and then looks back at his screen. Then he asks, “Are you going with someone?” I was not expecting this question. Is he jealous, or is he hoping I found someone else, or is it really just casual conversation? I tell him no, my mom told me some family member I haven’t seen in a long time is getting married and asked if I wanted to go so I said okay. I do an order right after my lunch and take it out. When I walk back toward the offices, I can see through Scott’s window that he’s talking on his cell phone. I look at him when I walk in and he swivels in his chair to face the doorway. I go back to my desk and try to focus on something so I don’t hear his conversation. After about a minute or two I hear him say, very loudly, “Okay, bye bye!” He laughs and then again says, “Bye bye!”. He was clearly just talking to a child at the end of his conversation, and I wonder if it was his daughter, and I wonder if his wife or someone else called him. I go upstairs some time in the late afternoon to grab my lunch bag with my snack in it. When I turn the corner back to my cubicle, Scott is standing in front of the warehouse door, facing me, holding a paper in his hand. He had been talking to and looking at Steve, but when I round the corner, his attention goes to me. He nods his head up at me and I give him a little smile. Not too long after that, I hear keys jangling and Scott says bye to Steve. I hear him get closer, and then my heart drops: it sounds like he already turned the corner to walk down the hall, and he didn’t say bye. But no, he does say bye. I turn to him. He’s beaming down at me and waving as I say bye back to him.

Wednesday - I made sure I found enough stuff to print today in order to definitely greet Scott in the morning, since we haven’t greeted each other since last Thursday. I’m facing the printer when Scott walks in. He’s still halfway down the hall when I turn to look at him. I beam at him and he has a nice, genuine smile on his face. I just watch him walk toward me and it feels like he’s only walking this way for me. We greet each other. He looks so handsome and I can tell he is enjoying me looking at him, enjoying my attention, but whether that’s good or bad, I don’t care. I didn’t have my blue light glasses on when Scott had come in, but I do put them on not too long after and keep them on for the rest of the day. I’m not sure how well they work, but whatever. I go in his office during my lunch, but he’s on the phone. When he hangs up, he looks at me and says, “Are those your new glasses?” And I say they are. He says they look good on me and that he likes them. I can just feel that I am glowing. It’s been quite some time since I received a compliment from Scott, so I’m very appreciative of this. He asks me if they work and I say I’m not sure, that I tried the tests online but there wasn’t much of a difference. I tell him how I ordered 2 other things but they were in a separate box and in one of the delivery slots at the mailboxes and the key they gave me wasn’t turning, so I couldn’t get my box. I left a note saying the key didn’t work. Scott says, “That sucks,” but I’m kind of meh about it. I tell him it was just shampoo for me and then shampoo for my cat, and I’m sure they’ll get my note and get my package out for me (which they did). Scott is upset because he brought his pizza for lunch, but he forgot his arugula and he doesn’t want to eat the pizza without it. I tell him, “Aw, I wish you told me earlier. I had some arugula in my salad and I would’ve saved you some.” He just looks at me and smiles. He says he will probably just take it home and eat it for dinner instead. I ask him if he’s feeling better and he says he is and that he feels like normal again. He tells me he thinks his back and neck hurting so often was connected to the medication. Gosh, he is always a mess, I can’t keep up. At one point, I’m not looking at Scott, but then I feel his eyes on me as he faces me. He slowly leans down onto his left elbow while still facing me. I can still feel his eyes on me. I look at him and he’s got his lips stretched into a smile. He tells me the glasses look good on me and slowly brings his gaze back to his computer. My heart flutters. I thank him. He says the glasses don’t really remind him of the 70′s, like I said. I tell him I’ll just need some bell bottoms and a striped sweater and then I’ll pull it off and he asks if people in the 70′s wore clothes like that, he wasn’t sure. I said I think that’s right, but I’m more familiar with a lot of other decades. I say when I think of the 70′s, I think of horror movies, but Scott says he thinks that was more so the 80′s, and I agree. We start talking about horror films and naming the killers and whatnot (ie. Jason, Michael, Krueger). I grew up on horror films as a kid and the only ones I didn’t really like were the Pet Sematary movies because of the animals lol. He remembers a kid getting burried and coming back, but I don’t remember that. Of course, Scott was right. The kids name was Gage, which I say is not a good name, like Thackary from Hocus Pocus. Then I ask Scott if he’s seen Hocus Pocus, and he’s never even heard of it. I show him the 3 witches and it still doesn’t ring a bell. “WHAT?!?” HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN HOCUS POCUS???“ Steve comes in and I ask him if he’s seen it, and he’s also never heard of it. Scott says, "See! No one’s seen that.” I disagree and say everyone has seen it except them. He tells me to take a poll and we’ll see who’s right, so I tell him I will. He tells me Chris or the new guy have probably seen it and I ask, “What makes you think that?” and then add “No, wait, you’re right. I’m sure they have seen it.” He and Steve laugh as I walk away. I go and ask Joyce if she’s seen Hocus Pocus and she says she has, but maybe only once. It still counts. She asks me why I’m asking and I tell her. Scott comes over and asks me if I want anything from WaWa. I turn and tell him no thanks and he smiles at me. His face is half-hidden behind my cubicle wall, which he does a lot, though I don’t know why.

Greg and Robin are at the printer talking, and when Greg turns around, I ask them if they’ve seen Hocus Pocus and they both say they have. In fact, Robin loves that movie. They ask me why I’m asking, so I tell them Scott and Steve have never seen or heard or it. They’re reaction was the same as mine. “What?!” they both say. Robin says they’re both goofy. When I come in from the warehouse from taking an order out, I stop in Scott’s doorway and tell him I’m up to 3 people. He doesn’t believe me and asks how many people I asked that responded they haven’t seen it, and I say so far he still only has Steve. Steve is on the phone and he looks at me and smiles. Scott asks me who I asked and when I tell him, he says I’m not asking the right people. I say I’ll ask more people and keep him updated on my high score. When I heat my tea and walk by Scott’s office, his boss, Chris, is in there talking to him and Steve. Scott is facing toward the hall, so when I walk by, I look in at him through Steve’s window. I’ve got a flirty little smile on my face. We look at each other, and Scott has a slight smile. I think about how whether he smiles or not, he doesn’t have to look at me, but he does. Not always, not every time, but he still does it at times. I ask the receptionist, Linda, and this guy from upstairs if they’ve seen Hocus Pocus, which of course they both have, because literally everyone has seen that movie. Linda asks why I’m asking and I tell them that Scott and Steve have never seen it or heard of it. When Linda says, “What, how have they not seen it?” Dave responds with, “Because they’re both children.” I prefer to say Scott is young at heart.

I go in at the end of the day and hand Scott an index card. There’s two columns with our names, mine in the left column, his in the right. Underneath mine there’s 5 tally marks and under his just 1. On my side I wrote “winner :)”. Scott asks who else I asked. I tell him Linda and a guy from upstairs, whose name I don’t know cuz he told me on my very first day here and I forgot it lol. I describe the guy, who I actually see all the time when I go upstairs. His name is Dave. Scott tells me I still didn’t ask the right people and that tomorrow we will ask everyone else and that he will win for sure. I tell him he’s not winning this one and we joke and laugh. Joyce comes to the doorway to say bye to me, which she has never done before. I turn and tell her bye in return. She’s leaving just a few minutes early. Scott and I joke and laugh some more until it’s time to go.

Thursday - Scott comes in early. I’m in the bathroom and when I open up the door and turn down the hall, he’s right up ahead. He turns his head to the right, and I wonder if he can see into my cubicle or if he was just looking around for me. He leaves a trail of his cologne, which I am actually able to follow for once. I’m standing at the printer when he comes down his hall from the mini fridge to go back into his office. He stops in his doorway and grins and says hi to me while waving. Gah, I love when he acts like that. He’s so happy. I grin back and greet him as well. I change the water jug on the water dispenser by me, but Scott doesn’t look at me through his window. He again doesn’t acknowledge me when I clean my smoothie cup. Both times he’s just scrolling on his cell phone. I use the bathroom and i am only sitting down for 5-10 seconds when the men’s room door opens. Of course, it’s Scott.

While I’m on my lunch, I hear Scott talking and look into the security mirror. He’s coming down my hall. I continue eating and look back down to read my book. I don’t turn around as he shuffles by. When I go into his office when I finish eating, Scott is on the phone. When he hangs up, he says, “Hey, Dana” real smooth. I typically wait for him to get off the phone, but I guess at this point in our friendship, I can just come in and wait. He’s very busy today now that Steve isn’t here. He has his reading glasses on, which are a combination between regular glasses and sunglasses. They’re tinted a bit, but not fully. He’s been wearing them a lot this today and yesterday I noticed and I ask him questions about that. They really help him read the screen better. He asks me how volunteering was last night since I had told him yesterday I was doing that. He has to go out for lunch today, which he doesn’t feel like doing. He tells me that he called Comcast yesterday at the end of the day and ended up being on the phone with them for 45 minutes. He was trying to get some better package, but they fought him on it and wouldn’t give it to him. I ask him what time he left and he says 5:30. He mentions how he was going to go out to dinner but decided to just eat his pizza, which he brought home with him. After about a minute, he starts talking again. I don’t know what prompts Scott to say what he does next. He doesn’t need to say it, but he does. Scott mentions again how he was going to go out to dinner, but he adds on to it this time: “I was going to go out to dinner last night since my wife took my daughter down the shore for the day, but I just ate the pizza.” He’s facing me, leaning on his left elbow, his eyes on his computer screen. I stare at him, then look away. I go quiet. I ask myself if I heard him right. I did. He said it. He mentioned his wife to me. I am immediately sad, and when I get sad, I don’t really want to talk much usually. Right now, I don’t want to talk at all. He just took our conversation and stabbed it with a knife. It’s dead. I touch my phone, just wiping the screen and playing with the case. I stop and stare to the left of Scott. I see him in my peripheral vision turn to me and stare at me. When he doesn’t stop staring, I look at him. He asks, “In your own fantasy world?”. I look back down at my phone and say, “Yeah.” Does he not realize? After maybe another minute he asks, “Ask anyone else about your movie?” “No, I haven’t had time.” He says something in return, I don’t remember what, but my response is, “ I won anyway.” He disagrees with me and in turn I disagree with him. I was going to say that I always admit when he’s right and I’m wrong, and that he can let me have this one, but I just don’t want to keep talking. His phone screen is never in sleep mode, so the time constantly shows. As soon as it turns 12:45 I say, “I’ll talk to you later, Scott.” He turns to me, open-mouthed, and says, “Aight.” I look at him give him what is probably the most pathetic, unconvincing smile I have ever given in my entire life and then I walk out the door. I don’t look through Steve’s window as I pass.

I go back to my desk and silently cry. It’s still a bad cry. A million thoughts run through my head. First, I think about why he even mentioned his wife. It wasn’t even necessary to the conversation and could have easily been omitted. I don’t know why he even thought it would be a good idea. There is not a single thing that would point to “yes, mention your wife.” Not one. I just told him a few weeks ago that I like him! I like him, I have feelings for him, he knows this because I told him right to his face! I put myself out there so that he would have a clear understanding of what it’s like for me on my end. And just a week ago, his wife called on his cell phone and I promptly left the room. Then when I came back in I was quiet. I don’t know what he isn’t getting here. I feel so betrayed. I thought that Scott and I had an unspoken understanding that mentioning the wife was out of the question. He has never mentioned her, and I thought it would stay that way. I ask myself so many questions in my mind. Was he just using me to feel good for awhile? Was he just having some fun? Was he going through some rough patch in his marriage and now things are alright? Was he just not getting enough attention at home, and so he was enjoying it from me? Did he only ever have an interest in me because I’m young and pretty and showed interest in him? Is it really true, does he not harbor any feelings for me? I know he does care about me, and I don’t think he ever planned on that, but I’m not entirely sure how much Scott cares, how deep it goes. I am so hurt from just one moment, one sentence, two little words within that sentence. My wife. It has completely shaken me up. Just because we’re friends doesn’t anything has changed on my end and that I’m now okay with hearing about the one thing I do not want to hear about. Yes, I stopped flirting, but only because I felt like I had to, not because my feelings changed. I still smile at him, but that’s because that’s what I’m comfortable with, not because I expect it in return.

It’s been quiet in his office for quite a few minutes, so I know Scott is probably going on lunch any minute while he doesn’t have any phone calls. I put my new glasses on. After a few more minutes, I hear keys jangling and someone shuffling, then I hear Scott say, “Do you want anything from WaWa, Dane?” I turn around halfway and say, “No, I’m okay.” I’m trying to smile, and I succeed, but it’s different. I know it is. It’s the kind of smile people only give after they’ve been crying, they’re lips pressed together in an unconvincing way. Scott doesn’t walk away right away like he usually does, and he’s not looking at my eyes through my glasses; but rather, he’s focusing on my left eye through the opening on the side of the glasses. It’s only an extra few seconds he looks at me, but it was enough. He knows I was crying. After he walks away, I look at myself through my compact mirror: my eyes are still really red, my lips are slightly red and puffy, but my face isn’t flushed or anything. Still, he knew. I know that he knew. I hear Scott go out through the back door and after about a minute or two, I cry again, worse than the first round. I immediately think something I have never allowed myself to think before: Scott loves his wife. I cry so hard as I think this, that I’m surprised I’m not making any sounds. Scott loves his wife. He has been faithful, no matter what he considered doing, he didn’t do it. He chose her. Does she know how lucky she is to have him? I think about how while I don’t want to look like her, or have her personality, or be her in any way, I still wish that I could just be her. What is it like being that woman, living her life, marrying the man she loves who loves her back, having his child, having him come home to her and greet her with a kiss, hold her at night, do every day things together, have sex with him, exchange “I love you”s, look at her with so much love, open up to each other, being best friends, him calling her “babe”. My mind goes over everything. I think about their wedding photos and how incredibly happy they both look and how they look at each other like they’re the only 2 people in the world, and I cry. Did Scott marry his best friend, his twin flame, the person he is destined to be with? I don’t want to not be me, but at the same time, I want to be her. It’s a contradiction, but in my head, it makes sense. He already has his Dana. I continue to cry for a majority of Scott’s lunch.

I go out into the warehouse twice in the late afternoon. When I come back into the offices the first time, I rush quickly past Scott’s office without looking at him. The second time I come back in, he’s talking on the phone and doesn’t look at me. I don’t know how he’s going to react to me crying. It doesn’t take me long to find out. I come out of Joyce’s cubicle and then Scott opens the warehouse door, coming back inside. He gives me a flirty smile. I pathetically smile back. I’m still sad and in shock from everything.

I walk by to heat my tea 3 different times since I’m not drinking it as fast as usual. The very last time I walk by, I am not looking at Scott, but then I see him moving. I look over at him. He’s taking off his glasses and then walks toward the door. We look at each other and he smirks at me. I give him a little smile, somewhat better than the other one. He says, “What’s up?” And I give a soft “hey.” He ends up right behind me, he turns down the hall as I go into my cubicle. Is he trying to make me feel better? It seems that way. I get a nice, flirty smile from him maybe once a week now, if even, and now I get several in one day…?

Chris, the engineer, had his wife bring in their puppy again. They come down my hall with the puppy, and then walk down the hall next to my cubicle. They don’t go into Scott’s office. I do feel kind of smug about this. I highly doubt Scott is concerned about the puppy, but I do feel kind of angry with him for being so insensitive. I know he knew better than to mention his wife. This was supposed to be a good time with Steve gone and me popping in and out of their office whenever to talk to Scott more, but he ruined it on the very first day. I don’t know if I even want to talk to him after this.

I think about how rough this has been lately. Things have either been going backwards or felt stagnant. I’ve been reading/following/listening to/practicing my spiritual and yoga stuff as always, and for over a month now everyone keeps talking about things feeling as if they’re coming to a halt or going backwards, and I can relate this back to many things in my life besides just Scott. One of my favorite podcasts on Wednesday had a medium on there, and she said how things are how they are now so that soon we will be flung forward and everything will progress very quickly. I also keep reading this on a blog I follow weekly. I hope it’s true, for more reasons than Scott, and I hope that it happens very, very soon, because this is all starting to feel like too much.

Friday - In the morning, I had just clicked print on something that is a lot of pages, when I hear the back door sound. I jump up out of my seat before the printer even starts. Joyce had come in through the warehouse door at the same moment. We say good morning to each other, and the first thing she tells me right after is that I look tired. I feel very tired. I slept about 8 ½ hours, and I didn’t wake at all during the night. It feels like I haven’t slept in days though. I flip most of my hair over to the left and turn my body to the right to face the printer. My head is tilted down a bit, and then I look over my right shoulder to face Scott, who is still walking up the hall. His arm had just come down and he’s holding his sunglasses, which means he had just taken them off. Scott always keeps his sunglasses on when he walks in, except for those few occasions where I can tell he’s showing off for me. But he hasn’t done that in many months, and I know that this is not one of those moments. His face has that clear, open look that I don’t know how else to describe. It’s a neutral face, but there is always something about it, like he’s expectant of something. He was already looking at me, and when I turn to face him, our eyes meet. I react first. I say, “Hey, Scott” and give him a little smile. He responds, “Hey, Dana. What’s up?” and gives me a warm smile in return. My eyes look down as I turn my head back to the printer. He looks so handsome.

Our morning exchange gives me some hope for the day, but that feeling doesn’t last long. One guy who works in the warehouse comes in and talks to Scott some time still early in the morning. He’s asking Scott about Steve and Scott tells the guy Steve is on vacation, but that he’s taking off himself the week after. My heater is on, so I don’t hear what else they’re saying, nor do I want to. Then, very loudly, the guy says, “So go without her!” and he laughs. My heart sinks. I cannot imagine this guy is telling Scott to go on vacation without his wife, so he must be talking about Scott’s daughter, though I also find it weird he would say that about someone’s toddler. There’s still that slight chance he could have been talking about Scott’s wife, and Scott going somewhere without her and enjoying himself, but I just can’t be sure. I instantly regret not listening in, but then at the same time, maybe not listening was a good thing, as it prevents me from hearing more that I may not have wanted to hear. I start thinking about that one time, months and months and months ago, before I even started going into Scott’s office to talk to him during my lunches, when Scott mentioned how he would like to go back to Jamaica but that he has no one to watch his daughter for that long. It sucked hearing that then, but at that point in time, Scott was still just this guy at work who I had been flirting with. That was it. He didn’t mean to me then what he means to me now. Hearing things like this now completely crushes my heart. Twice during the morning I am at the printer when I hear Scott shuffle out of his office into the warehouse, but my hair is always flipped over the left and hanging in front of my face. I am feeling very, very low today. My depression is kicked into high gear today. I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I did not want to come into work. I do not want to be here now. It’s amazing to me how one tiny thing can instantly set my brain into self-destruct. I get this image of an octopus (my brain), and there’s some perceived danger around (what Scott said yesterday), so it shoots out ink and everything goes dark (my brain reacts through depression). Granted, there are plenty of times where I get slightly depressed, but I can be functional. I can work through it. This is not one of those days. This is me having a very bad episode, and I am not sure how it will affect me. This has happened before at work, but last year. I could sit in my cubicle all day and not be bothered. Things have changed a lot since then, I’ve changed a lot since then, and doing that just doesn’t seem entirely possible, even if I can do it for most of my day. Close toward lunch time, I am in Pete’s cubicle talking to him, and when I walk out, Scott comes out of his office at the same moment. I run my hands through my hair and hold most of my thick hair in my left hand. Scott and I stare at each other, then he gives me a little smile and raises his eyebrows at me. I give him a soft smile in return. We don’t say anything. I go on lunch in a few minutes, and I wonder if I’ll see Scott. I do. When I pass by the sink area to go upstairs to get my lunch, Scott is at the sink washing his cup. He didn’t have it with him when he walked by me, and he didn’t walk back past my desk to go back to his office, so he must have gone a different way. When I come back downstairs to use the microwave, he is no longer at the sink. I heat my food and then walk down his hall. He is on the phone, but he turns and looks at me for a few seconds while I’m further down the hall. He is working on his computer while on the phone call by the time I get closer. I pass his office and then drop my food. I’m too apathetic to care right now, and I don’t have much of an appetite anyway, which happens when my depression kicks in.

I go about my normal routine, and as I use the single bathroom, I still don’t know what to do. When I get depressed, I can never make decisions, mostly because my brain is unable to think straight, or at all, and I’m always afraid of making the wrong decision while not in the right frame of mind. I decide to do my normal routine, which to me is like not making a decision at all, since I’m just doing what I always do. So I go into Scott’s office, though I linger at the end of the hall for a few seconds before going in, maybe to gain some courage, I don’t know. When I walk in, he asks me how I’m doing, but I don’t answer. I thought about answering, but if I say I’m okay, I’d be lying, and right now telling the truth isn’t an option. Scott doesn’t comment on me not answering. I sit down and then ask him, “How are you?”. He says he’s alright, that he’s busy and can’t wait for the day to be over. He’s glad it’s Friday. I pull my knees up to my chest and just sit there, not talking. This is how it is, with everyone. I have barely said anything to anyone all day. My mind is blank, black canvas, with nothing painted on it. It’s empty and devoid of color. I am someone else entirely when I become depressed: I don’t smile; I don’t talk; I retreat within myself, but then I find that I’m no longer in there, it’s like I’ve gone away, left myself, and my body is this empty shell without me inhabiting it anymore. Scott keeps talking, and it feels like a hug. Scott isn’t having a good day himself, but I don’t mind listening to him complain. He could say anything and I would listen. He’s complaining about customers and his day, but it’s okay with me. He can let out how he’s feeling without judgment and I can let his voice wash over me and comfort me. Then he turns to me and asks, “Are you alright?”. I stare at him and nod a little. The nod feels less like a lie than if I had spoken “yes”. Plus, I feel incapable right now of saying what is wrong. After another minute, he looks at me and says, “You’re quiet today.” There’s been only like two other times where Scott has said this to me. I only remember the one time, and it was the day I had an anxiety attack. I don’t respond to what he says, but only because I don’t know what to say. I think that Scott does care about me, not fully in the way I want him to, but he does care. He’s not obligated to ask me if I’m okay or to point out my silence, and if he didn’t care, I don’t think he would’ve said anything, nor do I think he would have tried to get it out of me. He could’ve ended it with me nodding my head, but he didn’t. He tried again by mentioning my silence. Scott also did this back when I had my anxiety attack, but I know then that he could not have related anything back to himself, when this time, I know that it’s possible he can. Still, he chose to ask. He gets a phone call and has to go out into the warehouse to look at a part for some guy to answer a question for him. He writes something down and then turns to me. “I have to go out to look at something real quick. I’ll be right back, okay?” I say “Okay.” At this point, my knees are still pulled into my chest, now I’m leaning to the right, my head up against the window ledge. Scott is out in the warehouse for a few minutes. When he comes back in, I’m in the same position as when he left. He gets back on the phone to talk to the guy. I realize now the biggest reason why I really came in here, and it was so Scott could comfort me. I just want him to keep talking and not stop. I listen to him talking and begin to close my eyes. I could fall asleep just like this. Scott hangs up and says he can’t wait till this day is over. Then I say, “Me too.” Scott looks at me. I don’t normally ever talk like that. I am usually the optimist, the one who jokes about the bad day, not the one saying they want the bad day to be over. “Having a bad day?,” he asks. I look away from him and only shrug my shoulders in response. I don’t know how to answer him. He says something else, I think about how today is pretty shitty, and then I finally say something truthful: “I didn’t want to come in today.” He responds with, “Me either,” and then we just look at each other. He’s giving me this funny look though, like he’s trying to read me because he doesn’t understand me right now. This is unlike me. Whenever someone says something like, “Ugh, is it Friday yet?” I’m the person who responds with something like, “What?! This week is going so fast!.” I am not the person who waits for Friday. I am the person who wants time to slow down a bit more sometimes. Just Tuesday, when Scott said to me, “I feel like it’s Monday” I responded with, “Yeah, but you were only here for 1 out of 2 days, so it’s better because it’s Tuesday!”, or something along those lines. That is me. That is how I truly am. I’m forever the girl offering the silver lining to everyone around her. But today, I am not that girl, because I am not me. I am not myself. Scott shoots his trash and misses. We are quiet for the last few minutes of my lunch. He works and I sit there wishing I could just go to sleep. When my lunch is over, all I say is, “My lunch is over.” Scott responds with, “It went fast, huh? I hope the rest of the day goes fast.” I don’t say anything, I just walk out. A few minutes later, Scott walks past my cubicle to go get lunch, but he doesn’t ask me if I want anything. He’s only done this a few times: once when Chris was at the coffee machine, once when Joyce was at the printer, and a few weeks ago when we weren’t talking for a few days. I don’t know if he didn’t ask me today because he thinks I’m mad at him, or if he’s afraid that I’m crying like I was yesterday, or maybe because he doesn’t know what’s going on with me right now, or maybe some other reason. I don’t know. I try not to let it hurt me, and normally I could work my way through it, but when I am depressed, things hurt much worse than they would normally.

I hear the back door open several times, but the door to our office never opens. I think maybe Scott came in but just went a different way so that he could avoid me, and I want to talk to him, to try and explain, though I still don’t know what I would say. I go upstairs to grab my carrots and hummus, though I’m not hungry, despite not really eating anything. Terry is in there. We say hello. She’s heating her lunch. No Scott. I go back downstairs, but I don’t feel like eating. I only eat a couple carrots. I don’t know how much time passes. It feels like 20 minutes, but it’s probably only about 5. I grab my food and go back upstairs. I see that the gate is closing, so someone must have just left or come back in. I don’t think it was Scott, but turns out it had to be. I go upstairs and put my food back into my bag and talk to Terry for a minute or so. I head back down the stairs and hear someone walking closer. Again, I tell myself it’s not Scott, but it is. He rounds the corner just as I reach the bottom steps. I’m startled and he says, “Hey, watchu doing?”. I instinctively push my hair behind my left ear and give him a soft smile, which he returns.

A little while after he comes back from lunch, I make tea. When my cup is finished, the jug needs to be changed. I go out to where they are and Scott looks at me through his window with a little smile on his face. I return it. I come back in through the door and wasn’t going to turn to him, but I do. He’s turned to me already and smiling. He asks if I need help and I vigorously shake my head no. I go and put the empty jug back out into the warehouse, but he doesn’t look at me this time. I grab the plastic top I took off the jug and throw it into his trash can. He whips around at me and I give him a little smile, which he does not return. I am standing at the printer when he comes walking out of his office to go down his hall. He turns and looks at me, and we just look at each other. I don’t smile, I don’t respond in any way. I am aware of this, I just don’t know how to change it. Before Scott disappears behind the wall, his lips press in together, kind of like he’s pressing them into a thin line, just not in a straight thin line. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. I hear the bathroom door close, and then after it opens, I hear him shuffle into his office moments later. He must have used that bathroom to avoid walking by my desk to use the men’s room. He decided to avoid walking by me. At this point, I’m sure Scott is very much aware that something is very wrong, and he must think that it has something to do with him, which is partially true, though not fully. He must have decided the best course of action is to avoid me since he can’t figure out what’s going on. He may even be thinking that I‘m going to confront him once again, but that isn’t the case at all. I haven’t even considered that. I get very busy out of nowhere, and end up having 10 orders to do. It’s 2:00, and I need to get them out to the warehouse guys before 3:30. I put my “Busy” status on, then notice not long after that Scott’s is also on, which he rarely ever does. I’ve only seen him do it a few times. I can hear he is getting bombarded with phone calls right now. I change my status to “Do Not Disturb” when my 8 orders turns into 10. Finally, at about 3:10, I take my orders out. They’re finished. I come back in from the warehouse, grab my cold tea, and head to the microwave. I have to pee so bad, so I use the bathroom while my tea heats. I open the door and see Scott in his office. He is looking down the hall at me, he has a paper in his hand, and I can tell he needs to go into the warehouse, but it looks like he wants to wait. I go to the left to grab my tea. When I turn to go down his hall, he is going out through the warehouse door, but he had still been facing down the hall in my direction. I feel bad for making it seem like I was going to avoid him, which wasn’t the case. While he’s out in the warehouse, I go out to grab paper to stock it by the printer, since there’s only one stack left. He ends up being in the warehouse for at least 15 minutes. During that time, we received an email telling us to log out of our work program because it needs to be rebooted. A guy in sales, Tom, is trying to make sure everyone is logged out, and when he sees Scott isn’t in his office, Tom goes to his computer and logs out for him. I’m at the printer when Scott comes back in. I look at him, he looks at me and then he turns his head to his office as he walks in. I go over to his doorway and tell him how Tom logged out of his Rental Result for him. He looks at me and I move over just slightly, so that I am now looking in through Steve’s window. Scott says somewhat loudly, “Thanks, Tom!” though it’s more as if he is saying it to me, as if he’s joking that I’m Tom. I can immediately tell that he is trying to get me to smile. I give him a genuine, closed-mouth smile. He grins at me, turns back to his computer for a second, then turns to me again. I brush my left hand down my hair and then walk away. Not long after this, Scott walks by my cubicle. I heard someone walk by and then hear them shuffle on the extra rug outside of Scott’s office. I lean back and look in the security mirror and see Scott going into his office. I didn’t hear him talking down the hall or anything, so I’m confused as to why he went that way. He always goes back to his office down his hallway, unless he had been talking to someone who is located down my hallway, which is the only time he will walk by my cubicle.

At 4:30, I get up to go and get my lunch bag. I usually get it before 4:30, but today I lost track of time. As I walk, I see someone at the first aid kit underneath the receptionist desk. It takes me several moments to register that the black hat and white shirt is Scott. This is depression. My brain is in slow-mo. He must hear me walking, but he doesn’t look up to see who it is. I start up the stairs and say, “Did you hurt yourself?” He finally looks up. “What?” “Did you hurt yourself?” He says he didn’t, but then when I continue to just stare at him with a blank expression, he adds that he’s getting Tums. I respond, “Oh, I told you earlier that I had some.” He had gotten up. He says, “You did?” I’m sure he thinks I’m talking about earlier today, but I didn’t elaborate that I was talking about Tuesday. I slowly continue up the stairs as he starts to away. He asks me when I told him and I stop walking and look back down at him. “Mmm….I told you Tuesday.” He grins and says he doesn’t remember. I don’t know if he actually remembers or not. Scott has a bad memory, so I try not to take anything personal. I mean, the man forgot about the eye doctor appointment that he even had written on the calendar in his office. He forgets what line the receptionist tells him someone is on right after she tells him, and I usually have to tell him what line it is. I also wonder if he is just saying he doesn’t remember about the Tums because he was afraid of asking me, since he probably has no idea what’s going on with me right now. I tell him, “I have berry flavor. I don’t know what kind that is.” He says he thinks it’s orange. He’s still smiling, but I don’t smile at all. It’s almost like we switched roles. Not that I’m acting this way on purpose. He thanks me and then walks away.

At the end of the day, I go into Scott’s office as normal. When I walk in, he’s just closing his drawer. He has these individually packed eye drops in his drawer, and he grabbed one. He says he’s going to need it. I grin and raise my eyebrows in confusion. He smiles at my expression and says he’s going to need the eye drops since he’ll be reading the draft sheet all night since all the guys in the office are going over Mark’s house for the Fantasy Draft. He gestures to the paper, which is right in front of me. I can barely read what’s on there, there lettering is so small. I comment on it. Scott asks me my weekend plans. With no enthusiasm whatsoever, I tell him my friends are having a bonfire tomorrow night. I may not be able to spark any of my usual joy, but it’s a miracle I’m talking. This is the most I’ve talked to anyone all day. I tell him they live in Browns Mills, which is about 50 minutes for me, and he comments how it is pretty far. Scott has blueberry gum, which he takes a piece out for himself and then pockets the pack. He has asked me a week or two ago if I wanted to try it, but I was already chewing gum so I said another time I would. Scott doesn’t offer right now, but I want a piece, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Chris, Scott’s boss, comes into the doorway already dressed in an Eagles t-shirt and black shorts. He starts talking about their plans and asks Scott is he wants any beer. After a minute or two, he leaves. Scott starts complaining about next week and how shitty it’s going to be. He said these past two days were bad enough, and I agree. Scott looks down at me. Again, I don’t ever talk like this. I say how today was worse than yesterday and Scott then asks me if I’m talking about work or other things, and I tell him both. Now that I’m actually reflecting on this, I’m surprised Scott asked me that. I didn’t fully realize in the moment, but I can now, and holy shit okay. I cannot believe he actually asked me if it was something other than work. Wow okay, so anyway, I then tell him I dropped my lunch today, which is not what I wanted to say at all, but it’s what came out. He looks and me and says, “That sucks.”, and then adds on, “That really sucks.” He doesn’t mention how he went out for lunch and today was the one day he didn’t ask if I wanted anything. This is how my brain thinks when it’s all fucked up. I wasn’t even hungry because I didn’t have an appetite, and all I think is how Scott didn’t ask. Normally, I know I would have just flat-out told him I dropped my lunch and asked him if he would be able to get me something. I sit there and curse my brain for making me feel self-centered and like the world revolves around me. It’s actually probably good I didn’t say what was really wrong, even if I was capable of doing so, because rights after Scott finishes saying how it sucks I dropped my lunch, Greg appears in the doorway asking if Scott needs anything from the liquor store. He then asks us our weekend plans and asks if the wedding is this weekend for me, and I tell him next weekend is the wedding. Scott says he has a birthday party for a 4-year-old on Sunday, but it’s his best friend’s kid, so it’s cool and there will be beer. So his best friend had a kid not long before he did…. They talk for a few minutes about the draft thing tonight, and the conversation ends on Scott saying how last year Mike passed out with his head in the popcorn bowl. I genuinely laugh for the first time all day and grin up at Scott. He looks away from Greg for a moment and smiles down at me, before looking back at Greg, who is saying bye. I was going to say something about how a few years ago I decided to nap in the middle of the table my friends were playing pong on, but I lost my ability to speak again. Scott says it’s time to go. I head back to my desk, give Pete my hours, and then go to gather my things. Greg went back to Scott’s doorway to talk some more. I am able to stall for about 2 minutes, but then I know I must say bye to Scott with Greg there. I go to the doorway and say, “Bye, have a nice weekend.” I don’t address either one of them. Scott is shutting down his computer. He looks at me and I wave and he says bye. I walk away.

I start crying before I reach my car. It’s not too bad. A few tears, trembling lips. I want to at least wave to Scott, so I wait a few more minutes. Chris, his boss, comes out, but I don’t acknowledge him or act like I see him, which is easy to accomplish with sunglasses on. I say hi to Chris sometimes and he just kind of ignores me about 95% of the time, the other 5% consisting of him giving me a grumbly and barely audible “hello”. Joyce assured me before when I brought it up to her that it takes years to get really get anything out of him.I decide to just leave. As I pull out, the door opens, and Scott comes walking out. I give him a closed-mouth smile and wave and he gives me a quick, casual wave, as if he’s passing some old acquaintance on the street. It’s disheartening, but aside from my interaction with Scott when he first came in, the whole day from the moment I woke up was just not good.

Now I ask myself: What do I do? I thought briefly about just not talking to Scott anymore. I thought even more briefly about telling him off. I had issues with both of those options. My issue with not talking to Scott is, well, that I won’t be talking to Scott. I’m still adjusting to us not flirting anymore and to him ignoring me mostly or just staring at me when we happen to cross paths. Adding on to that not talking to him would be a shock that I really don’t think would help me right now. My issue with confronting him is that it doesn’t feel right, and I am not an argumentative person by nature. I want to talk about things, sure, but I don’t ever want to do them in a confrontational or argumentative way unless I feel it’s absolutely necessary, and more often than not if I do have to confront someone, I will still try to avoid it becoming an argument at all costs. And also, I don’t feel the need to attack Scott, nor do I have any desire to.

But then, what do I do? Friday night, I did consider the possibility of telling Scott the truth. I had a little bit to drink and listened to music and cried on and off, so when I woke up Saturday, I had my doubts about that option just like the others. Tell Scott I have depression? I had to be joking. There was just no way. I thought about it more throughout the day and realized that it may not actually be a crazy idea, and while it could go horribly wrong, it would allow me to explain many things. As I write now about Friday’s events, I realize even more that this is the only thing to do and that it’s the only viable option. It’s not a guaranteed success, but it’s the only one with a possibility of having a successful outcome. I’ve thought a bit about what I want to say, and I’ve tried not to think too much about what Scott might say in return. For all I know, it could make him super uncomfortable. But he did try multiple times Friday to get me to talk about what was bothering me, so I’m going off of that. In my mind, my solution for everything is that I have to at least try, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to try my best to explain to Scott why I was acting the way I was, what it’s like for me to have depression, how being around him made me feel better, and then quite possibly mentioning if he could not bring up his wife around me. The only part I’m actually dreading is that last part. There is no way for that not to be awkward, but I have to say it. I don’t have to mention it having to do with my depressive episode, but it still needs to be said.

What will happen when Scott hears all of this? I don’t know. He could still not fully understand, even after me explaining, which is something I’ve experienced with people before. He could want nothing to do with me anymore, also something I’ve experienced. Or he could take it really well, understand me better, and still want to be around me, which I’ve also experienced. I literally don’t know. I’m nervous, but I feel resolute at least. I just hope that I remember to make all of the points I want to make, since I think they’re all important. I’m just trying not to have any expectations, which is difficult, but I don’t want to set myself up to be let down, especially since I’m still working my way out of my low mood.

I need all of the good luck in the world right now.

1 note · View note