#tumblr is a SUCKY place to save writing and I've lost fics because of it

[the-golden-ghost]

40 for Lupin

40. "I rock between dark and dark/my soul nearly my own/my dead selves singing"

~

He could see them lurking in the shadows, the ghosts, his ghosts, every one of them a fiend of his own creation, every one of them wearing his face. They laughed without joy and sang without spirit, machines more than people, dead more than alive.

He could not outrun them. There was nowhere to run to. Only the hazy circles, only the city lights and the never-ending streets. He could run til he wore down, burnt up, crashed and vanished and there would be nothing left of him. He’d just die and join the chorus, this motley gang of grinning wretches, these pied pipers who wanted to sing him down to hell to pay the price of his years upon years of wicked intent.

If he caught the smell of smoke and whiskey he could follow it briefly and wake up from the spinning graveyard in his mind, wake up in Jigen’s arms, shaking and burning, his head throbbing, tears on his face. He could briefly be soothed by the soft and gentle touch of a hired killer and then his body would force him back down into unconsciousness where he would again be whirling, tumbling though the images in his head and waiting for the crash.

After two days of this he was seeing the ghosts out of the corners of his eyes even when he was awake. After four days he was so desperate that he was begging Jigen to kill him and get it over with. He didn’t care anymore. He’d been called crazy before but this was true insanity, the most painful kind he could imagine.

It was only him and Jigen in the hideout but he heard the voices still. They sang. Jigen had put the radio on so he would have something to focus on, but this was no melody that played on any earthbound airwave. This was his mind finally cracking and spilling out because he’d split it so many times over the years that it couldn’t help but shatter.

Jigen’s answer to all the screaming ghosts surrounding him was to remain steady and insist he could not see them. To cool Lupin with a damp cloth to his forehead, give him a blanket when he shivered and hold him tight enough that he couldn’t break his own bones with his thrashing. “When the fever breaks, you’ll sleep.” Jigen’s voice was a rock in a hurricane. Lupin clung to it. “You’re delirious, that’s all. Give it a day more. You’ll be okay.”

Lupin, in his frenzy, squeezed Jigen’s arms til he raised bruises and clawed at his face when he was again denied the peace that would come with death. Why had he hired a killer who wouldn’t kill!? He screamed that - maybe in his mind, maybe in his throat. Both felt raw as anything.

~

On the fifth day Jigen slept beside him. Lupin could see the shadows that now clouded his blurry mind reflected on Jigen’s face. It was quiet, and nighttime, and there was no singing nor screaming now, but they would come back. It was just the shadows.

He took a cigarette from the bedside table, lit a match. Smoking quieted his frayed nerves just a bit. He still felt dull and achy and he knew without the slightest doubt that the ghosts would be back to yell in his head. He knew his soul was on the chopping block and he was thrown about and helpless.

And Jigen would do nothing.

He lit another match, watched it burn, let it nip his fingers as it ran down. The little bite of pain was oddly soothing. It was a focal point, at least. The light, the heat. Keep away the shadows and the screams.

He lit another. His fingers trembled, wanting to drop -

Drop the match onto the sheets that covered him and let himself go up in smoke and flame. He was so wrung out now that he was sure he’d blaze up and be burnt to a cinder in moments. Instantaneous. Bright and wild and gone in a blink. The world seemed to shrink and waver before his eyes. There was nothing but the light. Nothing but the fire.

He could end it. His guardian slept; he had the reins, and the means.

One deep breath and he’d do it. He’d show the ghosts who they were dealing with. They thought they could keep him, hold him, spin him in circles until there was nothing left? Not so; Lupin was going to forge his own ending, and he would do it beautifully.

He’d forgotten his shaking hands. He could not hold the match true. It dropped like a warning flare and missed its mark - falling instead onto Lupin’s partner who slept beside him.

The screaming that followed was deafening, and all too real.

~

Time had ceased.

Lupin’s head rang with the knowledge that he was alone now, alone, and falling. The smell of smoke was no longer a guide but a hell, taunting him in his loneliness. Did he really think he could escape? Did he think the universe was done playing games?

He could still hear the laughter, the singing, the screams. But beyond that there was the scent of burning flesh and the sting of smoke in his lungs, and the floor he was lying on was cold and hard.

He cried out and received no answer. He reached out for his partner and found empty space and shadows - endless empty space. He gave in then and just let the whirling take him. If this was hell he’d jump in, join the chorus if that’s what fate demanded. Weakly, he began to sing in harmony with the voices around him.

Eventually that all faded and he slipped into the deep depths of unconsciousness.

It was only then that the fever broke, and silence reigned, and Lupin’s mind began to shift back into place.

~

Lupin did not know what day it was. He had slept. He awoke to merciful quiet - his head clear, his body exhausted and drained. There was no sound but the wind outside, the birdsong. No screaming, no laughter, no wild taunts. He lay down and slept again.

He woke again in the sunshine. The window was cracked open, allowing light and air. He’d been rested on a mattress in the corner, away from the burnt one. And as he got his bearings, he could see now that he hadn’t ever been abandoned. He had a glass of water, a bowl of soup by his side, still warm. Extra blankets within easy reach. His glasses, his favorite books, a few painkillers in a little cup. He’d been cared for.

He got up on trembling legs, weak as water, but feeling like a person again. Not just any person, either. He knew who he was. He had a face, and a name, and it was his and his alone. He caught sight of that face in the mirror. It looked back at him with a slight smile. Yes, he was real, and alive.

Once he was dressed, he was complete. He never felt quite himself without his jackets, anyway.

He left the room vowing never to come back to this apartment. He’d take Jigen and they’d go someplace warm and inviting and they’d rest. But this place... no, this place was cursed. Lupin slammed the door on it.

Jigen was on the couch. He smelled like burnt skin and cheap scotch and Lupin could tell he’d been keeping himself just this side of blacking out for the past few days - wobbling, but just steady enough to be able to take care of a sick friend.

He was bandaged and blistered. That would heal - burn marks on his legs and chest and stomach but they’d heal. Lupin, by some miracle, didn’t have a mark on him anywhere. How could that be? They’d been right beside each other.

Jigen woke up then, sensing Lupin’s presence. He looked him over through glazed eyes. “You’re better,” he muttered. “That’s good.”

“Jigen...” Lupin said, but he didn’t know what else to say. There weren’t words or promises that he could make that would amount to anything. Instead he just lay down beside Jigen, careful not to brush up against the bandages.

“You’re okay now, though, right? You’re not gonna -”

“No,” Lupin said. “I’ll be fine.” He was already making plans. The first was to get out of here. Take Jigen somewhere good - anywhere he wanted to go. Call Goemon and Fujiko back and from there... who knew? But Lupin was alive and kicking, and whatever came of it would be an adventure to remember.

But no adventures yet. Right now he was going to make sure Jigen had time to rest and heal. He’d take care of his partner; he owed him that at least.

Jigen had fallen asleep against Lupin’s shoulder, and Lupin held him gently. Fatigue was pulling on him, too. He’d fought hard the past few days, and he was still drained, but getting stronger.

He drifted off, a sweet and peaceful sleep this time. Tomorrow would be another day, and after that, the world was waiting.

#Lupin III #sorry for the wait anon! I know this was requested a long time ago #I hope it serves its purpose! #anyway: finally a fic that doubles as a fire safety PSA #Don't Play With Matches Kids #ESPECIALLY when the voices of the damned are echoing in your head #also I think I'm gonna start archiving some of these. like save them and polish them and put them on ao3 #I planned to do it with some of my TKLUTS fics but didn't #but now's as good a time as any to start #tumblr is a SUCKY place to save writing and I've lost fics because of it #also I feel like I should tag this but I don't really know WHAT to tag it as so...? #unreality tw

[jamesnovakwinchester]

(1) idk what u think about this from a writer's perspective but don't u think there's an oversaturation of bangs that may contribute to authors feeling overwhelmed by their schedule & not being able to do the work they want to do bc they're so worried about how much they have yet to do?? it's something i've noticed in this fandom in particular?? there's so many bangs coming out and they're all back to back that no one gets a chance to rest & breathe & live their lives without a schedule

(2) of bangs looming over their heads and thus fostering a sense of despair as authors feel guilty and immense pressure bc they feel like they have to write even tho their plate may already be too full,,, idk it just seems like there’s constant demand for new content that may be leaving authors wrung out especially since no one pays them for their free content (commissions not included obvs) it’s not a criticism just something i’ve seen in my time in the spn fandom

So I’m gonna answer this in two parts because I think there are a couple things being hinted at in this ask and I have a lot of thoughts about these topics.

So, one, do I think there is an oversaturation of bangs in the fandom and do I think that leads to author despair? Kinda yes but also kinda no.

There are a buttload of bangs in the spn fandom, that’s for sure. And, there have only been more in the past year. I can name at least four that were brand new this year and three of them are starting today. But I think these bangs exist for a very specific reason. I know the mods of the DCJ bang and I know a big motivation behind that bang was to get more art for Dean/Cas/Jimmy (there was literally one art work before the bang) and to get more fics that weren’t all written by the same few people. Seriously, prior to the DCJ BB announcement, there were maybe 100 works for that ship on A03 and most of those that had been written post Pitchers and Catchers and by people who all knew each other on tumblr. The Saileen BB, which I’m co-moding, was created as a retaliation to canon. It was a “fuck you, we’ll keep the love alive”, kind of thing. Other bangs like the Crowley BB and the BMoL BB were created out of love for those characters and fans who just weren’t done with them yet. In many ways, that’s what fandom is all about! And it encourages other writers who might be on the fence about writing their idea or don’t think anyone will care because it’s not one of the Two Big Ships to write and for readers to find authors who write something they’re interested it. It’s really awesome in that respect.

The issue, I think, comes when a person is a multishipper or a shipper in one of the ships that has an assload of challenges. Destiel has, currently, the BB, the reverse bang, the tropefest, the harlequin challenge, another BB (because there were issues with last year’s BB and some people got really pissed) and probably a few mini bangs, too. I know Wincest also has a BB and reverse bang, but I don’t know if they have challenges to the extent that Destiel does. If you’re a Destiel shipper, but particularly a writer, you know the issue with oversaturation that ship has. (But I will save that for the second part of the answer.) As a multishipper, I want to write for all the bangs. I want people who love the same ships as I do to have new content, and I want to read new content, too. I want long fics with character depth instead of just one-shots all the time (not that there’s anything wrong with one-shots or the people who stick to those, I just tend to be a long fic reader). For people like me, who want to read and write it all, the fact that a million and one bangs all at once can be stressful, and it does make me feel a little sad when I can’t participate in all of them. But I think the fact that there are a lot of specific bangs that deal with specific characters or ships is a good thing. Those of us who do ship obscure things and those who prefer genfic have a place to explore characters, make friends, and find new readers. And, not every writer is going to care about every bang. A strict Wincest shipper probably doesn’t care about the Crowley BB, and a genfic writer probably doesn’t care about ship focused bangs either. The people who are going to have the biggest issue with overextending themselves are going to be the people who write for a lot of ships and/or characters. In general, I think it’s a good thing that we have a lot of bangs. It’s a little strange, sure, but SPN’s fandom is wild. We want to see our favorite characters live on after the story is done, and I think that’s cool. I can definitely see how it’s stressful for some people, and I myself have stressed myself out trying to write multiple bangs at once, but it’s a learning curve and it is dependent on each author. Some can manage three or four projects at a time and others just can’t. I know a few authors (myself included) who stress out about bangs and feel there just isn’t enough time in the year to do everything they want. But bang participation is voluntary. I also know several writers who’ve never written in bang and are still stressed about the pressure to produce. Which leads me to part two…

…. it just seems like there’s constant demand for new content that may be leaving authors wrung out especially since no one pays them for their free content…

Yes. Yes, there is a lot of pressure for authors to produce new content but it has little to do with bangs, imo. I personally feel that bangs, in addition to being about celebrating characters that we lost too soon or rarer ships, are an opportunity for writers of The Two Big Ships to get attention. I’m gonna pick on Destiel a bit, but just because I think the prime example of what I’m talking about. The ship is a behemoth. Currently, (at least last I checked) it is the most written ship on Ao3.  Hundreds of thousands of words a cranked out yearly for this ship and because of that, smaller authors or new fics are lost. It doesn’t help, of course, that so many of the rec lists look exactly the same with the same few fics and authors populating them. In order to get noticed, the best chance a smaller author has is to participate in a bang or challenge and hopefully be interesting enough that bang readers will give them a shot. It sounds a little cynical, but I do think it plays a part in why there are so many challenges for that ship in particular. Authors are hungry for interaction, so we’re more likely to throw ourselves into challenges if we think we’ll get attention and interaction. It may sound a little vapid, but that’s how we’re paid. I don’t get paid in money to write, but I do get paid in kind words, so the more of that I get the better I feel and the more likely I am to continue to write. It’s kind of sucky thing, honestly.

Rather than being a main source of author despair, I think bangs and challenges are a response to it. We need to feel like we’re not just screaming into the void, here. Fanfic is an oversaturated market, but I don’t think it would be as much of an issue if readers were just a little more kind with their kudos and comments. I know that it’s different because 10% of readers leaving a “like” is actually pretty good but it still can sting and leave authors to feel that if they just produced more or better work or longer work or whatever they’d get more attention. (Or fewer “more!!” “update soon!” comments.)  It’s a strange thing, too, that most people who write for fun do so to make themselves feel better so we do tend to write other projects if one we’re doing is leaving us unsatisfied. (And then we feel more stressed because we’ve got a million things we’re working on and none of them are done and we start circling the drain in our minds.)

The demand for new content is definitely something that leaves authors feeling wrung out and unappreciated, but I think it’s separate from bangs. It may occur in bangs, too, but it happens independently of them as well. I think the stress surrounding having a lot of projects going can and does come from bangs, but I don’t think it’s the only thing that causes the stress. I think, by and large, authors feel the pressure to create lest they are regarded as unimportant. That’s, of course, not true, but that’s how a lot of us feel at times.

That’s my opinion, though. If anyone else wants to weigh in they’re more than welcome. 

#big bangs #fanfic #writing fanfic in the spn fandom #really thought provoking question anon #thank you for that #Anonymous