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in religious studies, we learnt about how it’s legal in Switzerland to legally kill yourself and some of my classmates keep joking about going there and i’m just like 👁👄👁 like what am i supposed to say

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There I was, swallowed by the darkness in my room, tears blurring the dark lines marking the furniture around me.

Knees pulled up close to my chest, muffling my gasping sobs. No one can hear. No one should hear.

I know where it is. I left it in my room. It’s right there. It’s in front of me. I know what I want to do.

I stretch out a shaking hand into the box in front of me, and extract a small, plastic box invisible. And in it… there it was. Three thin figures of silver catching weak light.

Soft fingertips brush sharpened edges, inspecting carefully.

This is what I want.

The blade readjusts in my hand, pointing accusingly at my arm. It moves and presses against my unscarred skin.

I’ve held back for so long. I deserve so many more scars. I deserve death.

I press harder into the blade, release it from my skin for a moment, taking in a deep breath.

This is it. This is what I deserve.

One more breath. Blade reconnects to skin. But- my muscles slacken and a new wave of tears washes over.

Come on come on come on it’s RIGHT THERE the blade is in your hand

Shuddering, silent sobs escape me. I tighten my grip on the now-slippery handle of the knife. I steady the blade on my wrist again, and another sob. Another sob. Another stream of tears. I weakly run the blade on my wrist, barely making a scratch. One. Two. Three.

what the fuck are you doing

Breath. Two. Three. Silence before the storm. My eyes become the source of a tsunami.

you are so weak. so FUCKING weak.

The blade slips out of my hand and softly lands on the carpet.

you weak piece of shit. you weak WASTE OF SPACE.

I can’t stop crying. I quickly pick up the knife again and try to make a cut, but my fingers tingle and I can’t bring myself to draw blood.

Knife goes back to case back to box back under the drawer, away, hidden. My body is numb. Hot and cold. I scoot away and curl up on my spot in the floor.

The air is too thick too thin too much too little

you couldn’t do it yourself.

I’m choking but I don’t care. I can’t breathe but it’s fine.

My pulse quickens and the darkness becomes more real, more frightening.

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod get away get away get away

nothing. you. are. nothing.

Tears swim in my eyes and my brain hurts.

you are so selfish. so damn selfish. you couldn’t wipe yourself from the world. couldn’t do the one thing in your power. such a burden.

I can’t. I’m too weak. I’m so weak that I’ll put up with it for another day. I’m nauseous and throw up in my mouth. But fuck that. I swallow it and exhaustedly climb back into bed, and hide under the covers.

Sure. Maybe I’m glad I’m still alive.

But one day it won’t be worth it.



~~my first real attempt.

Failed. Expected.

2:16 am

11/27/2020

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I feel so trapped

I did this to myself

I can’t love anyone

Why can’t I connect

It all feels so disgusting and wretched

I want to slit my veins open

Slice my belly and pull out all my organs

Hold my heart and keep it as a souvenir

Until it’s dried out and the blood is flaking off

A heart that is empty a heart without purpose a heart that was failing and breaking in life

Only to wither and turn to dust in death

I’ve done this to myself

Wasting other people’s time

There’s so much pressure on me to be with him I don’t want to but what other choice do I have? I’m only setting up more pain.

Once again I revert to ending my life and self destruction

Can a comfort also be a fear?

I just want to play with toys and watch cartoons but that’s wrong isn’t it

I keep thinking of the things that happened in the past and I can’t bare the thought of being intimate. it’s repulsive and horrifying.

Everything is becoming too real and memories I pushed away are confronting me I just want to escape

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I FUCKING HATE BEING HERE I HATE THESE STUPIT FUCKERS TWO YEARS LEAFT TWO FUCKING YEASS LEFT AND I DONT HAVE TO BE ARPIND THSES DRAINING FUCKS EVER AGAIN TWO MONTHS AND I NEVER HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN THESE PEOPLE ARE THE PNLY ONES THAT MAKE ME SOOO IRRATIONALLY ANGRY I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I WANT TO SMASH A PLAYE OVER MY HEAD HANG OUT WITH US BE AROUND US OR ELSE ILL GUILT TRIP YOU TO DEATH PLEASE PLEAST JUST FUCKING HOLD ME AT GUNPOINT I WOULD PREFER IT GO TO HELL IN TWO YEARS I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN BASH BASH BASH MY FUCKING HEAD IN PLEASEEEE TWO DAYSTWO DAYS I MADE IT HERE WITHOUT FEELING THAT SWELLING HOT RAGE I HATE YOU ALL I HATE YOU ALL

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Trigger warning in case (vent)

Dealing with friend stuff when you never had proper friends until the last 2 years.

Yeah, it’s really hard for a person who has trouble to cope with the anxiety of doing things wrong. But no matter what, I try to be a good friend.

People call me kind, I feel like I’m not doing enough. I have a fear that I’m not doing it right or that It’s not good enough. But I always want to make people happy and not feel as bad as I did.

And with the stuff going on with an irl friend, it’s apparent that I was not given credit when it’s due. Even through my eyes, it’s apparent.

Basically, I supported them. They kept distancing themsleves when I was supporting them and lying to me. I felt really torn up. I just wanted to do my best and be there for them. But I wasn’t being trusted and I felt them being distant more and more.

They also didn’t see how much of myself I put out there for them. I don’t want the past to repeat itself but it feels like a deja vu. And idk if I can trust them while they’ve done that. I go full on to support a person and when they don’t see that and they just push you away, it hurts.

It hurts when I can’t help them, and they look at me with that look in their eyes. That I didn’t do anything.

I have tried SO MUCH. And I don’t know if I look at them the same. It’s just really upsetting to feel like this.

I needed to say this because this really dinged my head up. I know that it’s not a friendly message like my other stuff but…

It needs to be said. And I’m really sorry if you don’t approve but I needed to put this out there. Please. Try and be open minded to another person’s perspective. Don’t bottle it up. Communicate.

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My childhood really gave me CPTSD and DID and anxiety and panic disorder and phobias and OCD and paranoia and depression and an eating disorder and addictions and antisocial tendencies and it’s all super fun.

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i told one of my best friends about my eating disorder and it made it more real, made me feel ashamed and guilty, i thought i had it under control, but i can’t believe i let it get this bad 

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Okay but like the irony of me earlier in the year wanting to be skinny like Charlie Spring while denying I had an eating disorder only for it to turn out that Charlie Spring also had an eating disorder

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I honestly feel like counting calories is what’s making me overeat and binge

But it’s an automatic process now. I need to go back to my eating habits from a few years ago….looking at an apple as a “wholeee ass piece of fruit” and debating whether to eat it instead of going “eh it’s only 50 calories.”

I eat about 500 n then think that’s too low so I end up overeating and getting to 3500 without even realising 😔

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image

TW b/p


I fast all day like damn I couldn’t manage to not eat but I was in control… I felt asleep then woke up and ate like a fat cow. I purged but I need a break because my parents are near my bedroom and I am afraid they hear something

I know I can get my control back, I was almost done today, tomorrow will be better

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