I can joke about literally anything, but don’t ever think that I’m joking when I say “I wanna die.”
Wrecker’s incident continuation.
Warnings: bad talking, brain injuries. Depression, bad thoughts. Its implied the depression but heavily.
Wrecker sighs sitting with Lula in his lap. He wasn’t feeling the greatest right now. His head was still throbbing with pain and his thoughts were hazy. He wasn’t suppose to be sitting up yet but he was getting so tired of laying down. He knows his brothers will be upset if they were to see him like this but they would be sad anyways.
It had been several months sinds the accident that left him scared and in pain. His left eye made his vision blurry and it had been hard to focus making his headaches even worse. He was tired of the pain. He was tired of being in the medbay. He just wanted to go home and see his brothers. He just wants to lay in his bunk talk about their missions. How just a few seconds could change his life for good. He had heard the docs talking. He had heard them saying he could never reach the same levels of brain function as he had. It would leave him grasping for memories he didn’t had, for things he didn’t know. He wanted to show them wrong but he couldn’t.
Wrecker wasn’t stupid by any means but he knows things will be harder for him now. It would take him more to do less. He just wanted to protect his brothers. He wanted to keep them safe. He doesn’t know how to feel. He is alive and he should be thankful for that but his life will change so much. Even after months he still couldn’t leave this medbay. His brothers tell him it’s okay, that they got this. But he still feels like he is letting them down.
Wrecker looks down at Lula gently playing with her ears. “I don’t feel so good Lula. Maybe the docs are right. Maybe I will never be able to go out again. I’m just a waist of space now. My brothers deserve better, I should have seen it was a faulty grenade from the start. I brought them in danger by not knowing it. Who knew I could be even less valuable then before. All I’m good at is breaking stuff and apparently my own brain is part of that.” Wrecker sighs with tears in his eyes. “Maybe I should just tell them to replace me by now. It might be better for them if they do.” He hugs Lula close crying softly as the pain in his heart is let out. His fears and anxieties dancing around in his throbbing head. He was getting overwhelmed and stressed making his heart monitor spike. The medics come out and push him to lay down telling him how stupid he was for sitting up. And all Wrecker felt was numb. He was stupid wasn’t he? How could he mess up this badly? He was an idiot. He should have done better.
He gets injected with something he can feel the pain of the needle. He has no time to stress out over the needle as his brain grows more and more hazy before he passes out. This is a pattern that happens a few more times during his recovery and what never truly goes away. These thoughts stay in his head while he back with his family. He can see their pain when he doesn’t do things like he used to do them. He can see the pain as he eats something he used to hate. This Wrecker is a stranger to his brothers and he knows that. Yet a part of him sees their love is still there, that part sees the smiles and feels the hugs. He feels like a stranger yet he also feels at home. His mind would forever be against him but maybe his brothers won’t be.
"Laying on the bathroom floor
Kitty licks my cheek once more
I could try
But waking up is harder when you wanna die"
Elizabeth on the Bathroom Floor
Song by Eels
Apparently it's not normal to have suicidal thoughts???? Like ever????? Apparently the average person doesn't think about killing themselves even once in their life????? What the fuck.
i don't wanna keep trying anymore. i just want to fucking die.