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highabovethecloudssomewhere · 2 years

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my father asked me, mockingly, if I genuinely believed there is good in this world.

I thought of the world he put me through. I thought of my childhood. I thought of the first time I’d experienced fear at his hand and every time after that. I thought of my janky heart and my surgery. I thought of the words “chronic illness.” I thought of “severe depression” and “C-PTSD”. I thought of the dreams I had to give up. I thought of the friends I’d grown apart from. I thought of the loved ones I mourn, how it comes in waves.

But then I thought of a nine year old me in the souvenir shop who smashed two snowglobes together and panicked at how my dad would react. I thought of the woman who told me that it was okay, that I didn’t have to cry. She gave me a sparkly pin that said “Dreams Come True”.

I thought of my friends coming together to make me a quilt with my name embroidered onto it, that they gave to me the night before my heart surgery when I was 17.

I thought of the nurse in the ER who stayed an extra two hours to make sure I got into a room because she knew I was in a lot of pain and that my condition was low-priority.

I thought of my Chinese friends who are teaching me Mandarin in exchange for me teaching them more English. I thought of the deaf strangers I chatted with in what little conversational ASL I knew, who invited me to sit with them and introduce me to their friends. I thought of these “barriers” like language that aren’t really barriers at all, because we’re all people who carry the capacity to learn about each other’s lives and worlds and cultures and possess the ability to grow and to change.

I thought about my house leader who sat with me on the floor after I’d passed out during a flare-up, how I’d frustratedly gone off because I was upset, and I thought I was done letting my health upset me. She listened, and then she told me that I don’t have to be okay with it, that it’s okay to be angry and frustrated and sad.

I thought of the mentor who sat with me while I cried, who asked, very gently, “What was your friend’s name?”

I thought of small-talk with strangers. I thought of the doctor who liked my anime keychain. I thought of a girl I used to nanny saying that she wished I were her sister so I never had to leave. I thought of my brothers building a blanket fort over me after I fell asleep on the couch during a migraine. I thought of my house leader leaving everything but junkmail in our mailbox because she knew I liked to get it. I remembered the first time someone took my depression seriously.

I thought of new dreams--smaller, but no less valuable than the ones that came before.

my father couldn’t believe it when I told him I did believe there is good in this world, that I believe people are fundamentally good. he called it “selective memory” and he called it naïve. in the same breath he told me that I needed him, that we would “always be family” and that I couldn’t stop him from being my father. in a physical blood-related sense that is true.

but me? if there’s one thing my health issues have taught me, it’s that blood can be transfused. the kindness I’ve experienced, the people I’ve loved, these moments that bled into me and shaped me in ways I couldn’t live without.

I am the byproduct of everyone I’ve ever loved, everyone who’s ever loved me and the ways that they changed me.

Samwise Gamgee was right. there is good in this world, and it is worth fighting for.

#cloud rambles #storytime #tw implied abuse #tw health issues #ok to reblog #personal #been in my head a lot just had to write this stuff down #<3 it gets better and it's worth it #I promise

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marshmallowprotection · 4 months

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Hello Kait, how are you doing? I hope your day have been well and the cold season is not too bad at your place.

Actually, I've been sick for a while now and went to the clinic a few hours ago. I feel like... I'm tired of dealing with sickness and medication. Of course, I'm not sick enough to the point of having chronic illness. But I'm also not that healthy either since I've always prone to getting sick since I was a child.

I used to have countless doctor appointments back then. Sometimes, I even have to go through 3 different doctors from different departments on the same day. I don't even know if I have the right to complain about this when there's literally a lot of people out there going through worse illness than me...

But I'm really not coping well with all these medications. Sometimes the side effect can be harsh to deal with too. I wish I could say to someone that I don't want to take pills after pills anymore. At some point my stomach churned at the thought of hospitals and clinics because I don't want to go through the appointments again.

I also hate how physically and mentally vulnerable I am whenever I got sick. I'm always the one who take care of myself and while it taught me how to be independent, sometimes... I just wish I had someone to take care of me. I want to know how it feels like to be taken care of for once in my life.

I guess that's where Saeran comes into the picture. The fact that he knows exactly what I feel about everything and would be glad to nurse me back into health... it's a nice thought, a nice distraction even for a bit.

I'm sorry for the long ask. I have a lot of things in mind and this sickness is making me want to let everything out of my system.

Saeran has been to Hell and back when it comes to his health.

Things have been looking a lot better for him ever since he got out of Mint Eye. However, leaving that place didn't instantaneously free him of what he had been dealing with since he was a small child. It simply allowed him to begin the process of taking care of himself properly, and while he is doing that more often these days, his immune system is shot and he is susceptible to your seasonal flu and cold a lot more than your average guy.

A small cold could knock him out of his shoes whether he likes it or not. It's not the best time in the world when he gets sick, but boy, he has learned all kinds of tricks and tools in his research online. Sure, it is possible to a doctor now, God knows Jumin has helped him get a lot of help that he couldn't have otherwise had before, but still, being able to take care of himself is no walk in the park. He can't just sleep off the illness all day long.

There are other things he can do, and any trick he learns going into the back of his head to not only help him, but to take care of his loved ones, too. Sure, it's a learning curve to make sure you're comfortable, but the same can be said about anyone! He just has to find how what helps you feel best. What meals are easy? Do you like to rest? Do you prefer to bundle up? Do you watch comfort shoes? What drink do you like when you feel anxious?

Whatever you need, he's got you covered!

But, today, most of all, what you might need is for him to be by your side as you try to rest. His hand tracing patterns into the back of your shirt again and again, your tired eyes shutting as soon as you nuzzle your head against his chest, and his voice ringing through your ears like a rumble.

"I know you feel awful right now, but I'm here for you, my love. I wish I could take the pain away, but I know I can't... so, I'll do the next best thing... and hold you close to my heart... so our love can remind you that you're not alone, no matter how bad you feel."

#mod kait #ask #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #mysticmessenger #mm #choi saeran #ge saeran #tw health issues #princessjung

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pitruli · 11 months

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Hey guys I'm back !! Did I miss anything bigbsincelast week ?Excuse me if my typing is all over the place right now it's part of the recovery haha I was about to infoump about the crab situation but actually that felt unes especially long so I'm gonna shorten it the best I can hahabut now, that it's finally all behind I feel the need to explain at least a bit ^^"

So you know, the jokes about having. A CRAB I had been making for a few months ?

Well it's gone now, ! Like, gone gone N!! Woohoo !

I'm trying to keep it short but^^'' warning for medical issues and surgery if you're uncomfortable with talks about these (a friend of my family almost fel unconscious when whe tried to explain everything to him, I kno it can throwpeople off quite a bit (not surprising tho,)

Back In October, just when I turned 22, hospital found out a spot we had been surv eying in my brain for more than a year was actually a (non cancerous) tumour and needed to be removed through surgery,c,

"the Crab" is just how I ended up talking about it with friends just to cope after a few days, If anything happened it was always because of the crab haha (no)

Due to being left handed, the functions the most at risk inß my brain were languages (cause apparrently it's t' s more common for left hnaded peopleto have their languangue center more to the right, ... Where emy "crab"Was spotted so to make sure nothing is dammged2 I ,I would have to be concoiuous during the surgery, so they could test my ability to speak (in Both french and English, an make sure they removed as most they can without turning me mute or something lateron haha

So sxi months of preparation laed me to last fri day’ morn.ng, the surgery itzsel f ,went all supér ell! But the concoiuous part sas ßomrrhing to go through for real, sbur honestly I'm more surprised I didn't have a break down lzst minute from axietyry an tried to escape the waiting room hahaa

I çan't eeseally draw for now , even just holding a spoon is tricky lately, but it's just the recovery process, I have to shake myself.a little and go relearn stuff by myself., So I hope tomorrow is can go and doodle for a bit and hopefully see a see progress! Other than that, language should be all normal within a few months, so don't mind me if I'm wonky at times, I'll try my best to write,well enough!!and train whenever I can

I have a mega head scar now tho! I think it's quite epic, I look like I got into some fucking wild shit haha

And the thing is totally removed btw, if it (ever,),grows back, I won't be bothered for years to come !

#tw surgery talk #cw tumour talk #tw health issues

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omgcatboi · 11 months

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So you are more than double your starting weight congratulations 👍👍👍. So what has Been the most surprising thing so far with the weight you have gained so what has been

Well, I didn't expect to be so sore from walking short distances. I also get winded just from standing up sometimes because I'm so heavy. Oh! When i get out of the pool after being in it for over an hour, I can barely breathe from the weight on my heart and lungs. I'm a lot lighter in water!

#tw health #tw health issues #tw death feederism #tw death feedism #fatty answers

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descendinginto-madness · 18 hours

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exhausted.

word count: 439

content warnings: mentions of self-destructive behavior, mentions of a character in a very bad state

summary: N/A

author's notes: well uh. at first i was like what if i kill someone for this prompt again, because i only knew i wanted to write about Welt, but then i decided nah. that's for day 26. :). and tomorrow is Emile again because they can't catch a break :3

“You look tired.”

Welt turns his head away from the parlor car's window, his gaze focusing on Himeko as she approaches him. He didn't hear her enter; only noticing her when she spoke. He can spot the concern on her face and it causes him to smile softly, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. As much as he's trying to look like everything’s alright, he's also aware that the exhaustion he feels right now must be rather obvious - which Himeko has taken note of already, and the look in his eyes - almost empty.

“I'm fine,” he replies, though. He looks away, at the countless stars outside the Astral Express, and Himeko stops right next to him with a quiet sigh. He can feel her gaze on himself, but he doesn't move.

“You know I can tell that's not true,” she replies. “It’s late. You should go and rest.”

He sighs in response.

“I'm fine,” he repeats, with a little more firmness in his voice now, but without anger. He could never get angry at her for worrying about him, even if he doesn't always appreciate it - or thinks there was no need for it. Right now, it's the former; especially since he's pretty sure he won't fall asleep anyway. There's way too much going on in his mind right now.

“I wouldn't be able to–”

He speaks again, but she interrupts him, placing a hand on his shoulder and causing him to finally look back at her.

“Welt.” Similarly to his, her voice carries no anger, but there's a bit more edge to it now, and it doesn't disappear as she goes on. “You’re not invincible. You need sleep, like everyone else.”

“I'm not tired.”

“Welt Yang.” It's almost a hiss now, she is suddenly much harsher, but he can't really blame her.

He'd much rather prefer it if she just let him be, though.

“If you're trying to punish yourself by neglecting yourself even more, then stop, right this instant.” She's annoyed at him, of course she is; he can hear it quite clearly. “What happened isn't your fault. It's not anyone's fault. And you can't act like it is. Please,” she adds, and the last word is spoken in a much softer way. “You look like you're about to collapse.”

He wants to argue with her but then he thinks of the fight they lost, of the Express’s infirmary, and of Dan Heng laying there, most likely still unconscious, and of the fact they aren't sure when he will even wake up, and suddenly all of his strength is gone.

Alright. He'll go rest.

He nods.

divider by @/cafekitsune

#angstpril2024 #honkai star rail #fanfiction #day22 #drained #hsr #welt yang #himeko #tw self destructive behavior #tw health issues #dim writing ☁️

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vroomian · 1 year

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Okay. Mood stabilized. I’ve been reading and the diagnosis isn’t completely terrible. I can still like. Do stuff. So.

I need to lose weight but that was already the plan. I don’t have to completely change my diet. I only have to shoft the portions of it. I’m already committed to exercising.

I was always going to have to deal with this. It runs in both sides of my family. I just know about it now I guess.

#this still fucking sucks. but I can do it. probably.#and if I can’t I’ll be dead anyway so. might as well try I guess.#here’s to the rest of my life (derogatory)#tw health issues #vrrm vrrm #I don’t need insulin yet so there’s that #the rest of my life (derogatory)

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tsukidrama · 1 year

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please like this post if you read the rant because im literally just screaming into rhe void and i need literally anyone to listen to me right now

the family member i was closest to for most of my life and who basically guided me through being a teenager and coming out just verbally degraded me for 10 minutes using the exact same trigger words that my abusive dad always did.

i typed out what happeneed 3 times in 3 different ways and it only makes me feel worse. there was a point in my life where she was my safe person. she was the person that i could go to whenever i didn't have anyone else to talk to or i felt like no one would listen to me. she has always gone out of her way to offer her home as a safe space for me no matter what has been going on in my life.

very very long story short, my grandma's health is declining because she has heart failure. my aunt does not take care of her own health and has had to undergo emergency surgery 3 times in the past year (2022). she is getting a knee replacement on Monday.

i don't want to give out too much information because of privacy reasons but basically my grandma is in heart failure. she's 79 years old and has a lot of other medical problems that generally make her very high risk in general.

basically my grandma has convinced herself that she absolutely needs to accompany my aunt to her knee surgery. and my aunt is just, letting it happen? even though my aunt has told me multiple times that having grandma in a car for long periods of time is very dangerous for her health. it's the reason i take an 8 hour fucking road trip to see her as often as i can.

all i said was "i gotta say that i'm really worried about grandma coming along with you when you have used the words 'very dangerous' to describe car trips for her."

these are the exact words that i used.

immediately it's like a flip switched. i didn't even have time to breathe before she started shrieking like a banshee telling me that i'm disrespecting her by saying that she can't take care of my grandma and disrespecting my grandma by saying that she can't do what she wants. she kept saying "well i'm sorry that you feel that way" a lot more shit that i'm not going to sit here and upset myself by typing out.

i've been crying on and off for almost 6 hours now. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't know what to do. i want my grandma to be a part of my life but my access to her is entirely through my aunt. i want to talk to my grandma about all of this but my aunt won't let me talk to her. i'm so fucking scared for her and i feel really helpless and triggered about things that happened with my dad.

i dont want to get into it fully but basically my dad lied to my face for years about the status of his health and instructed his doctors to reiterate those lies so i wouldn't find out. two days after my 18th birthday he signed me up as his new medical proxy and continued to lie to me about his health despite forcing me to sign legal documents that would give me power of attorney if he were to go unconscious and i had to make choices for him. i only found out that he was dying when he screamed "you need to do [whatever he was yelling about] because i'm dying!" in my face. he was.

cut to a few years later and i have now developed crippling anxiety when people tell me they're having issues with their health. there will always be a part of me that feels like i'm being lied to, or that someone is either overexaggerating or underexaggerating how bad their illness is to manipulate me. most of the time when i feel like this i can recognize it as anxiety. i really do feel like i've made a lot of progress regarding that, because i know that nobody besides my dad would lie to me like that.

she understood how i felt like the choices that my father made took that relationship away from both of us. everyone else tried to convince me to show my dad sympathy, but my aunt made a point to validate my feelings in that his "out of sight out of mind" mindset was extremely damaging and traumatic for me and my brother.

except for my aunt, now, apparently??? which really fucks me up because she knows how much it damaged me emotionally. our relationship began to deteriorate when i hit my early 20s and it became clear to me that she doesn't even try to take care of HERSELF. she knew her knees were bad but she didn't go to the doctor until she couldn't walk. she knew she had kidney and gall bladder problems but she didn't go to the doctor or attempt to change her diet until she literally went into organ failure and almost died from sepsis. sinks, bathtubs, countertops, lights, the oven. all have broken and she just, did not fix it! she and my grandma washed their hands in the bathtub for months until my brother came to visit and fixed it for her. instead of saying thank you she yelled at him that she didnt need help . just including this to help paint the picture of how bad at managing literally everything is. oh, and there was a week in the Louisiana summer heat where the AC broke and she waited a week before calling someone to fix it. A WEEK. IN THE LOUISIANA SUMMER TIME. A 79 YEAR OLD WOMAN.

now i just feel like. well who the hell is this cunt and what did she do with my aunt? why the fuck is she talking to me like this???? i haven't felt like this since i was a teenager. i'm angry that she feels comfortable putting my grandma's health at risk. i'm horrified by the way that she spoke to me. i'm disgusted that i ever thought it could emotionally connect with someone who is related to my dad.

there are more reasons that we have grown apart (including a recent interest in alt-right conspiracy theories) but overall it was important to me to have a relationship with the people in that house because they're the only one left on that side of the family. so i would bite my tongue because i knew she wasn't actually going to change. she would just brush it off. but it's different when you're letting my grandma put herself at risk. and why? "because grandma wants to come"

well personally i would rather grandma be mad than dead. but apparently expressing this is extremely rude and i am a "nasty little girl that needs to learn her place"

if it wasn't for grandma i would have already gone no contact. it would hurt me a lot to cut them off but i feel the red flags popping up more than ever. aunt won't let my grandma talk to me for more than a minute or two and when i see her in person she won't let me back into her bedroom. i have caught aunt in multiple lies concerning covid safety, hanging around meth users, and an abusive ex-husband of the woman who lives with her (don't even get me started).

it doesn't seem like a possibility for me to stay in my grandma's life when i've gone no contact with her caretaker. all i want to do is talk to her. i don't know what to do. i don't want her to die. she's the only grandparent i have left and i already rarely see her because she lives so far away. all my other family is dead.

it genuinely shocks me how well people can hide their true colors. if this bitch kills my grandma i will never let her forget about it until the day she dies.

#tw death #tw health issues #ugh this is all over the place and barely conherent. theres also missing info that i just do not have the energy to go into detail about #ive been crying on and off for like 6 hours now and the worst part of all of this is that MARS IS AT WORK #so ive been having a mental breakdown all day by myself

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amorphousgenderlesscryptid · 1 year

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I generally don’t post personal things online as a rule, but, I really feel the need for a shout into the void right now. TW for health issues for the rest of this (very long) post.

For nearly 2 weeks now, I’ve been suffering from some mystery malady. It came out of nowhere and has not left me alone since. Headaches, random pains in strange places, vision problems, dizziness, brain fog. Some days are better than others, but I have yet to go 24 hours without at least one symptom popping up. I’ve been to urgent care twice, and the ER twice. The most likely diagnosis is a combination of migraines and extreme stress, but it’s difficult to be a hundred percent certain. Painkillers help with the headaches, but no amount of food, sleep, or water seems to be helping the rest.

This is kind of the worst time in modern history to have some mystery condition that needs lots of tests to rule things out. Every hospital and medical center is backed up with cases. All of the medical professionals who have seen me have been so kind and reassuring, but they just don’t have the time and resources to set aside for figuring out what this is quickly. Which is where my anxiety disorder comes in.

Despite every doctor I’ve seen telling me that whatever is going on, it’s not dangerous, I still spend every day in a panic, certain I’m going to drop dead any second. This is the worst anxiety I’ve ever had in my life and it’s making me miserable. I’m terrified to be alone in case something happens. I’m terrified to get out of bed in case moving triggers something. I haven’t been eating enough, sleeping enough, showering, cleaning my apartment.

At the same time, I’ve been surrounded by so much love in the last couple weeks. Friends let me sleep at their apartments so I won’t have to be alone. Doctors and nurses are kind and don’t dismiss my anxieties. My psychiatrist and therapist pick up the phone whenever I call. My best friend texts me every day to check on me, and my D&D group checks on me daily to make sure I’m drinking enough water. My friends at church pray for me. My fandom friends send words of encouragement. My parents keep in touch all day long, and my mother has just gotten an AirBnB nearby so she can take care of me. As scary as everything is at the moment, I’m so so lucky to be surrounded by so much love and kindness.

There isn’t really a point to posting this, besides getting things off my chest. I guess maybe just to appreciate how wonderful people can be, and to say treasure all your good days because you never know when bad ones are coming. I am 99.9% sure that I’m going to be just fine in the long run, so I just have to hang in there till then.

#personal #tw health issues #tw health anxiety #tw hypochondria

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