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#tw innuendo
star-trek-shallot · 2 years
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[that scene where Spock walks into Jim's quarters and Jim is chilling without a shirt on]
Jim: I need you.
Spock: To what?
Jim: To take me.
Spock:
Spock: I'm not taking you anywhere until you put on a shirt.
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cursedchildofchaos · 1 year
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I want my polls now dammit
*Tumblr staff member brings out a stripper pole and starts to dance*
Goodness graceness! This is not what I wanted! Get away from me!
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divinemanicstate · 2 years
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leon then proceeds to show his actual badge bcs he doesn't understand innuendos
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lily-janus · 1 year
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More pinned post shit
Au: mindscape
Pairing (/p): creativitwins
"You've never hurt me. Never."
The Play
Summary: Roman asks for Remus' help... don't worry, it goes better than you think.
Pairing: platonic creativitwins
Warnings: Remus being Remus, sexual innuendos, lots of cursing, angst, yelling, blood mention, self degrading, weapon mention, very brief non-descriptive violence. Lemme know if I missed any.
Word count: 2,125
Thank you for the request! First time trying this kind of premise so hope it turned out okay! Enjoy!
(Likes<<<<reblogs, please reblog if you like, it really helps me out)
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C'mon… it's no big deal! Just walk inside dammit! You do it all the time to all the sides' rooms! Just burst in without a care in the world like always!
…so what if you didn't didn't talk one on one since forever? It's no biggie, right? You don't care about anything, especially not others' opinions! And especially not his-
"Remus?"
Remus jumped, startled out of his thoughts, and turned to look as his favorite snake.
Janus looked at the door Remus had been staring at for who-knows-how-long, then at Remus, and frowned.
"Something I should know?" He asked, probing, but gently probing, as always seeming to pick up on Remus' hesitation.
Remus forced a grin and shook his head. "Nope! All good here!" 
He wasn't buying it, he knew he wouldn't, but it's not like he's going to talk about it here and now either.
Janus sighed. "If you say so, you know where to find me if it's not." And with a gentle brush on Remus' shoulder, he continued on his way.
And dammit the stupid snake always knew what to say didn't he? Whatever happens in there… he's got good ol' Janny.
He took one deep breath and swung open the door with as much flourish as he could master!
"I'm hereee!" He sang as he entered the room, shutting the door loudly behind him.
"Geez u scared the living shakespeer out of me, Remus!" Roman startled, putting a hand on his heart.
Remus cackled. "Awesome!"
Roman breathed out a sigh. "I'm regretting this already…" he grumbled.
"Too late! You made the mistake of inviting me!" Remus grinned, pretending Roman's comment didn't sting… because it didn't of course.
"I did… to be honest I didn't think you'd come…" Roman confessed.
"Aww how can I refuse an invite from my dearest brother?" Remus teased.
Roman huffed. "An invite for 5 hours ago, and you don't have a great record of listening to… well, anything."
Remus shrugged. "Welp! I came whether you like it or not… Why did you invite me, by the way?" The question sounded way more hesitant than Remus intended.
Roman bit his lip. "Well I… I just wanted to ask you um…" he took a deep breath. "I need your help with a project okay?" He finally said.
Remus blinked. "My help? Like… me specifically?"
Roman nodded.
"What? You're writing smut or something? I can for sure help with that!" Remus offered with a mischievous grin.
Roman blushed furiously. "No!" He squeaked. "Not that geez um… how do I explain this…" he muttered to himself.
"You see, I wrote a play and it turned out… fine I guess, but it still felt like it's missing something, so naturally I asked the others for feedback… they tried their best, bless them, but they're not artists… they don't get it you know? What I'm saying is… you're kind of my only hope right now." He explained.
"Oh! You need my creative wisdom! Well why didn't you just say so? Let me see your sappy play then!" Remus reached out his hands to take it.
"I didn't say it was sappy!" Roman protested but handed over the play anyway.
"You didn't need to, Ro-Ro, you wrote it." Remus cackled at Roman's pout before turning his attention to the pages in his hands.
Silence followed as Remus read, Roman looking over his shoulder anxiously to see where he was, until he finally finished and looked up.
"You're right, bro, it is missing something…" he tapped his chin, thinking.
"Right? I tried telling them but all Patton did is tell me that it's great and I should give myself more credit, all Logan did was say the 'structure' or whatever was good and fixed some grammar mistakes and Virgil said, and I quote: 'not really an expert on plays but I think it's pretty good'. Which is sweet of them but again, not really helping." Roman sputtered in frustration, putting his face in his hands.
"This needs to be ready tomorrow and I just… I don't know what to do! I can't give it to Thomas when it's like this!" Roman threw his hands in the air theatricaly, looking at Remus pleadingly.
"Calm your tits bro, fuck, your play's fine, just needs some little twicks and it's perfect." Remus rolled his eyes, handing it back to Roman.
"You… you think so?" Roman took it hesitantly.
"Tell you what, let's just try and act it out and see if we get ideas on what to add." Remus suggested.
Roman gave him a funny look.
"What's with the face?" Remus questioned, refusing the urge to blush at the attention.
"That's… that's a great idea, Remus…" Roman said in disbelief.
Remus grinned, shimmying his shoulders. "All my ideas are, bro-Ro!"
Roman huffed a laugh. "We must have different memories then."
Remus waved his hand dismissively. "Eh, you're just boring as fuck sometimes…" he paused. "Though fucking is much more exciting." He cackled, volume increasing when Roman blushed a deep red.
"You're impossibl-"
"Impossibly sexy? I agree! Thanks for noticing!"
Roman shook his head with a tiny hint of a smile. "So are we doing this or what? Or are you stalling because you know I'm a better actor than you?" He teased with a proud smile that's just a shy away from Janus' signature smirk
Remus barked a laugh at that. "You wish." He snapped to conjure another copy of the play for him, looking at Roman, challenging.
Smiling, Roman cleared his throat, holding the script in front of him, and started.
Roman looked away with an expression of deep hurt. "I… I'm sorry brother, I failed you.." he said brokenly.
Remus tutted. "Oh no, not at all. You see, you were right, all I do is hurt people… there's no hope for me." He said darkly.
Roman shook his head. "No… no, it's not true! I… I shouldn't have said that, I didn't mean it… please, don't do this." He begged, reaching for him.
Remus chuckled. "You see? I even hurt you-"
"No!" Roman grabbed him by his shoulders, looking deeply into his eyes… Remus would have believed it if he didn't know they were acting…
"Listen to me, you've never hurt me. Never." 
Remus suddenly forgot his lines, choking a bit as he looked away.
"...Remus?"
Fuck why does he sounds like he actually cares?
Trying desperately not to shake, Remus glanced at the pages in his hands and delivered the next line.
But Roman shook his head, taking the play from him and setting it down on a chair gently.
"You can't lie to me, I can tell you're upset."
Remus huffed. "So what if I am? Since when do you care?"
Roman's face almost made him want to take it back… almost.
"All your stupid play's missing is a death scene, there, problem solved, happy ending, cheers and all that." He said emptily.
Roman looked confused for a moment before he saw Remus snap his fingers. His eyes widened. "Remus, wait-"
Was all he heard before he appeared back in his good ol' hell of a room.
He sighed, summoning his morning star and raising it for a strike, when he heard a pop behind him and swung there instinctively.
"Wha- hey! Watch out!"
He froze. "Ro? What the fuck are you doing here? Sneaking up on me like that?"
Roman huffed, dusting his perfectly clean and not-wrinkled clothes in indignation. "I was trying to check up on you, silly."
"Well you're about 7 years late, get the fuck out, unless you wanna find out what fun surprises I have here." He grinned maliciously.
Roman crossed his arm stubbornly. "No, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong." 
"Fine! You wanna know what's wrong, Roman?" Remus snapped, waving his morning star carelessly.
"Yes, I do!" Roman shouted back.
"What's wrong is you suddenly pretending like you care how I feel when you made it very fucking clear in the past 7 years that you don't!" Remus spat.
"No… you don't understand I-"
"What's wrong, is you acting like everything's sunshine and rainbows when you know fucking well how it's not even close!" Remus cut him off.
"Remus I was try-"
"What's fucking wrong is that today is the first fucking time we hung out together in years! And it was just because you needed something from me! Did you even realize that? Or were you so caught up in your stupid fantasies and delusions that you didn't even notice?" Remus was shouting so loudly he could taste blood, but he didn't care.
"You're such a fucking pussy that you can't handle how fucking messed up the world is, you're even worse than your naive father figure! You disappear on me for years and suddenly act like you care? You're never there when I need you! Never! And you wonder what's wrong? What the fuck? You're so fucking blin-"
"I was trying to apologize!"
The room fell into a deafening silence, the only sound being the twin's heavy breathing.
Roman let out a big sigh dropping his gaze. "I… I didn't know how…" he swallowed. "I didn't know how to approach the subject… this was the best I could come up with…"
Remus blinked a few times, trying to process the words. "...what?"
"The play! Remus… the stupid play… I wrote it… about us… but with me trying to make things right… it was just a cover story so I can invite you and… apologize…" Roman explained weakly. "It was a dumb idea I know…" he added, clutching his arm tightly in shame.
The play…
"You've never hurt me. Never"...
Remus swallowed. "H-how accurate is the play?" He hated how shaky his voice was.
"As accurate as it can be." Roman shrugged, looking up to meet his eyes.
But Remus couldn't look back at him. "Why… why now?"
Roman bit his lip. "You were right… I was… I was too caught up in a fantasy to realize I abandoned you… but lately, things… happened. And they made me reflect on myself…" a sob escaped Roman's throat. "I'm such an ass Remus, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He buried his face in his hands, shaking with sobs.
Remus pinched himself, Roman was still there, he did again, nothing changed… Roman was here, apologizing for him. He's not dreaming, he's not imagining… he's here!
And yet… Remus couldn't forgive him… not yet at least.
Roman was still sobbing in front of him. "Okay, okay, c'mere you big sap." He pulled him into a rib-crushing bear hug that made him gasp for breath.
"Does… that mean you forgive me?" Roman asked hesitantly into his shoulder.
Remus cackled evilly. "Oh you sweet, naive Ro-Ro…" he shook his head, releasing him so he could see his wild grin. "You have so much to do to make it up to me."
Roman sighed but smiled anyway. "Guess I deserved that, I'll do my best, I love you, Re."
"Ew! Gross, gross gross! Get out of here before your sappy feelings stink up my room!" Remus covered his ears, shaking his head.
"But it's already stinky-"
"Out!" He snapped his fingers, banishing Roman outside.
"Rude!" He heard shouting on the other side of the door. And then he heard him walk away.
Remus shook his head, sighing in relief. "I love you too, Ro."
"Aw"
He jumped. "Fucking hell, Janny! How long have you been here?!" He shrieked.
"Not important." Jan waved his hand dismissively, smirking at him from where he sat on Remus' bed. "So, the big, scary Remus has feelings…" Janny teased, clearly delighted.
Remus huffed. "You're the one to talk, Sneky."
"I say this went better than expected." Janus, of course, ignored him, patting the space next to him.
Remus fell beside him, making the mattress bounce a little. "Were you worried about me, Jan-Jan?" He teased, poking him in the ribs.
Janus huffed a chuckle. "You wish, how long are you planning to keep him on the hook?" 
Remus grinned. "For as long as it's fun." He chuckled.
"Hmm now where did you get that from?" Jan smirked.
Remus cackled. "Gee I wonder."
Janus suddenly turned serious, looking Remus in the eye. "You have every right to stay mad, you know, I saw first hand how much he hurt you."
Remus looked away. "I know… but, I think I want to forgive him… eventually."
Janus nodded. "Alright, just don't feel obligated to. I'll let you sleep now, you know where I am if you need me." He squeezed his shoulder gently before disappearing.
Good ol' Janny, always there for him… and soon maybe Roman would too… who would have thought…
Certainly not Remus.
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merbis · 2 months
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Chubee: It's very useful!
Carmina: I bet it is.
Lisa: Are you sure? I can't see it being used for much.
Jaune: Oh there are two things I'll gladly use this on.
Charmy: My brother would love this!
Vi: yo what the f-
Charmy: Salads!
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oh boy y’all. they made uncle horsie hot. and that means a lot, because I ain’t often attracted to dudes. well, you know what they say. save a cowboy…
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spacegayparty · 2 years
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Remy: Huh, my bottle. I didn't remember having drunk that much. Logan: Well, hydration is extremely important to your health Remy: Whatever, Logan. What's about the science of how much of a thirsty hoe I am? *points at nearly empty bottle* The evidence is right here Logan: *watches Remy down the rest of the water*
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fireflymoonwitch · 2 years
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…And there was more than one way to tame a werewolf’s temper…
First / Previous / Next
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sansxfuckyou · 2 years
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Food fight
Summary: George gets cut off from making pancakes and in turn Sapnap has to finish cooking, he fucks up big time and neither have the desired meal in the end of it.
Warnings: Food, mock sword fights, swearing, small amount of pain, innuendos, thats about it.
Authors Note: @sobredunia I have no clue how you do it every damn time, but each prompt you create, each and every time, it just shoots motivation directly into my bloodstream, like, my train of is bouncing around my head, and I took foodfight to far.
It was five in the afternoon, and due to life being stressful, breakfast for dinner was chosen. It didn't happen very often that meals commonly reserved for the morning were eaten in the evening in this household, but there were exceptions. And boy oh boy, during those exceptions George did not disappoint in bringing the heat for the food part of the meal.
There he stood beside a pre heating stove with a heating pan beside him, a tray of bacon on the counter as well, half turkey half pork, and in front of him a bowl of batter he was mixing furiously, bananas and chocolate chips and blueberries added in as well. He knew it would taste delicious if no one fucked it up, which is the exact reason he blocked both doors with a chair, aware that if he let Sapnap touch a spoon for even a second things would go wrong fast.
And then it happened.
A buzz against his thigh, a specific pattern of vibrations that tore him from his trance in an unceremonious fashion. He placed the wooden spoon beside the bowl, taking a deep breath to regain his train of thought before checking to see who was calling.
It was a number he recognized to be that of the landlord, did their rent get bumped or something?
He still answered the call and tried to keep formalities and questions light until he had turned off the stove and the heating element on top, making sure to close each cupboard door as well, aware someone would hit their head on it. He then unbarricaded the kitchen door, Sapnap barreling in ready to start a dialogue, silencing at the swift and silent gesture to the phone pressed to Georges ear, instead Sapnap stood silent until he was addressed. Normally, the door was never unbarricaded when George was cooking when Sapnap was in the house, he knew it had to be something important.
"Sounds lovely, could you give me a second? Thanks," George said before pressing his hand to the microphone as he turned to face Sapnap with a grave look, the words he spoke laced with venom despite the twos relationship status. "I am entrusting you to finish preparing the batter while I discuss the rent with our landlord and if I catch you pouring roasted garlic into it, I will cut your nut sack off with a steak knife and roast it in boiling car oil."
Sapnap nodded silently, clearly afraid, George gave a soft smile before placing a gentle peck on the cheek and making his way off to the singular almost soundproofed room in the house.
Now, see, Sapnap was scared to even touch the food at this point, knowing full well that if he messed up he would be paying dearly, not to the point that George threatened though, George had a soul. Of course, the fear coursing through his veins causing his face to turn a deep scarlet from the tips of his ears down to his neck would do little to deter him from trying to help.
And with that he made his way over to the counter, grabbing the spoon before gingerly licking it.
A sudden crash sounded off in his head at the detestable taste, it made him recoil in disgust, almost made him gag. He slowly placed the spoon back down on the counter before grabbing a spare chair and pulling it over, he wasn't exactly short, but their home was tall if that makes any sense. He shook as he tried to balance himself on the chair, still unable to reach where George kept the best ingredients, right on top of the cupboards. He pulled off his socks before carefully placing his feet on the counter, gripping on the cupboard door for support as he swayed, only to have it swing open as he leaned back just a bit, the door came clean off at the hinges as he fell back on the floor with an awkwardly loud thud, a spark of pain shooting through his back, a bit more than it should've.
He released a groan of pain as he tossed the cupboard door aside, then he was greeted with the sound of rushing footsteps, George rushing in, his call on hold. He had a panicked and almost afraid look on his face, grip on his phone nearly enough to shatter it if he saw blood on the ground, then he saw Sapnap.
"Oh, you just fell down, again," George said with a sigh, still worried, but very aware that this was something that has happened before, voice already reverting to venom towards Sapnap. "Were you looking for the forbidden ingredient again?"
"Uh, no?" Sapnap responded, George pinched the bridge of his nose, phone in the other hand.
"Look, I'll only be a minute or two, don't you dare screw it up now, you've done perfectly so far, aside from falling on your back and probably fucking up your spine," George said, Sapnaps eyes widened as he realized that could happen. "Just don't mess up again, we need to have a talk after supper anyways."
"Ok." Sapnap said almost to quietly for George to hear before he left, Sapnap sitting up afterwards, aware he was running out of time to fix the batter, he stood up shortly after making sure none of his vertebrae were out of place, hearing a few cracks that made him whimper in pain.
Within a quick minute he was already balanced on the countertop, one foot resting in the sink that was half full of sudsy water, the other right beside the still hot pan on the still hot element, almost burning himself in the process. He blindly ran his hand across the top of the cupboard, his finger getting caught in a mouse trap in the process, that caused a quickly snuffed out yelp of pain as he slowly removed it before returning to his search. He quickly found the glass bottle he was looking for before bring it down slowly as to not knock his balance off, then he slowly crawled down, rereading the label.
'Spice on the way in, hell on the way out: Carolina Reaper Coco'
The flavor combo didn't make much sense, but the message did, and he sure had experienced it first hand more than once, he twisted off the cap with a retched sound being produced due to dry sauce on the edges, he was greeted with a pungent odor that made him recoil.
Oh yeah, that was what he was looking for.
He slid the bowl back and forth a bit before grabbing the spoon and stirring it once again, hoping the slightly dried consistency would be ok. He then lifted the bottle of hot sauce and tilted it just a bit, so he would get only a few drops at a time, knowing that if he added to much it would be inedible. As the scent of the sauce permeated the room, his eyes started to water, he lifted the bottle so it would stop dropping in the sauce, he spun the batter, being hit with the same aroma. He took a small taste test finding that he could barely taste the sauce having it been diluted with so much batter, he decided to pour in more.
He heard the sound of a door opening, George talking a bit, then total silence as he looked back to find George staring at him in horror, disappointment and worry due to the odor induced tears rolling down Sapnaps face.
"Fucking god Sapnap, I love you I really do, but just this once I hope you have a plan to escape my wrath." George threatened, each word ringing true, Sapnap had nothing planned, at least he didn't add roasted garlic this time.
With nothing left in stock, he reached into the bowl of batter before flinging the handful of pancake batter at George, aiming for the face but hitting his partners neck. The odor quickly had an effect, causing Georges eyes to water as he slowly scraped the batter from his neck, the thick substance like webbing between his fingers, he couldn't help but 'slurp' some of it off, slurp being the only viable word to describe what he did, the act caused Sapnaps face to darken in a shade of red that made George smirk. George flung the the remaining batter on his hands back at Sapnap who barely dodged before retaliating with a quick toss of turkey bacon lathered in pancake batter, George ducking, a piece of bacon getting caught in his hair.
That's when George started to circle towards the fridge, Sapnap grabbing the bowl of batter and circling away, both around the kitchen table. George grabbed and stacked the two trays of bacon, turkey on top, a bit of batter smeared on some pieces, he held up a piece in one hand, Sapnap loaded his hand with thick batter as well.
George chickened first, throwing a few pieces turkey bacon at Sapnap who dodged most of them before retaliating with handfuls of batter, one of which getting stuck in Georges hair. As they 'took turns' in their food fight they each slowly got covered with batter as the room was desecrated in uncooked pancakes, Sapnap somehow getting covered in more than George.
It was after about fifteen minutes that George pulled two leeks from the fridge, tossing one to Sapnap before the two initiated a mock swordfight on the table.
Sapnap had one arm behind his back, wielding his like a short sword, while George used both hands as though it was claymore. Sapnap parried each slash as he was pushed around the table before lunging at George with a few attacks that made little contact. It didn't take long for George to have his sword-leek held horizontally while Sapnap pressed down further in an attempt to toss it away.
In an instant the two where on the batter smeared ground, laughing, a piece of turkey bacon still in Georges hair and a piece of pork bacon somewhere on Sapnaps torso. George was leaned against Sapnap, his partner sticky due to being saturated with batter, but that didn't deter him from latching onto one of Sapnaps arms.
"God, you need a bath." George said between laughter, the odor of hot sauce making him tear up a bit.
"So do you, hot shot." Sapnap said, flicking Georges forehead lightly as he rolled his eyes, resting his leg on top of Georges.
"I mean, we could share a nice, hot, long, steamy-" George said, listing off reason after reason until he was met with the taste of Sapnaps batter covered hand, the hot sauce instantly taking dominance as flavor, he was sputtering a bit.
"No way, I'm still starved, I'd rather be thrown on a spit roast and slow cooked over an open flame than have sex with you," Sapnap said, quickly recovering. "Not when you have bacon in your hair, at least, like, c'mon, that's docking at least twenty seductiveness points."
"Ha ha, very funny mister so much batter in my hair you can't tell it was brown," George said before reaching up to touch Sapnaps hair, running a hand through the batter dense locks, ending up with a handful of batter. "Really though, you should go take a shower."
"What? I don't even get a single battery kiss from the love of my life, my one and only, the reason I wake up in the morning?!" Sapnap wailed, layering on the dramatics extra thick, George rolled his eyes before gripping Sapnaps chin to the best of his ability with a hand covered in batter before pulling him into a short, spicy due to hot sauce, somewhat squishy kiss, it was an odd feeling for both of them.
"There, now go shower while I make food." George said before standing up, so did Sapnap, but he was quick to speak.
"What happened to lets share a nice, hot, long, steamy soak, does it not matter anymore because I'm having a shower? How picky George, so britishly picky!" Sapnap said in an overexaggerated tone, turning away from George and bring a forearm to his head in a dramatic fashion.
"Maybe after supper I'll think about it," george said, face darking hue just a bit, but it was hard to tell with the amount of batter smeared on his face. "Now go shower, you smell like Reaper peppers."
"Ok, ok, see you soon, I hope you miss me."
"Sapnap, the bathrooms literally three rooms away from the kitchen."
"The sentiment is the same!"
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Tiny Vent, Major Profanity, Homophobia, Family Drama, Sexual reference TW:
NO MINORS ON THIS POST. SCROLL DOWN FASTER THAN LIGHT IF YOU WANT TO SEE BELOW THE POST.
I just called my mother.
She pulled the 'I used to feel the same when I was young! You'll get over it!' BULLSHIT.
I get it, you're straight and questioned yourself when you were young. But that will NEVER mean that I am and that I was wrong.
I am so fucking into blokes and I will bitch-slap my entire family if it meant that I could go my entire life without hearing your heteronormative rubbish.
I'm off to toss off to furry doodles and old businessmen in fursuits.
She doesn't even know what Tumblr is, so I'm just going to say this:
Fucking Hail Satan, I want a dick up my arse and you can't do a fucking thing.
If you think that you can change me, I will bring in a bloke and start begging for his cock right in front of you.
Verily, I say to thee, Fuck Thyself upon a stalagmite of sulphur.
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cursedchildofchaos · 2 years
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On a loooooooong drive (passenger), so have more
I apologize in advance for some of these
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Ahem, * phones...gosh, Richy XD
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merbis · 2 years
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Kabbu: Your right arm must be really strong with how much you use it!
Kabbu: Er, why are you hitting your forehead against the wall?
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johannepetereric · 1 year
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"yOU heard her. She wants to get on with you and take a ride!"
OH MY GOSH YASHAHIME DID A SEX JOKE CDBJKDCBKDCKDKJNKDNC
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