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#tw mental disorders

Hey so -

Anyone following me/who sees this who has experience hiding visible self harm marks on forearms etc

Hit me up

Cos like

I need to actually leave my house tomorrow

And it’s hot so I can’t really get away with sleeves/jumpers

Any tricks of the trade would go a long away

Even ask on anon/message directly

Your secrets are safe with me

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So uhhh I just came to a realization that I’m like 99% sure I have dermatillomania (aka skin-picking-disorder) 

I’m obviously not officially diagnosed and havent gone to the doctor but taking several quizzes and looking at other peoples stories I’m like “oh shit that’s me”

I thought everyone picked at their skin obsessively….. well just add that on top of my depression and anxiety!!!

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about me!

hi my name is tatum metzger and i run this blog :)

here are a couple things about me that are pretty important to know for what kind of information/advocacy/advice that i’ll be putting on here

  1. my pronouns are they/them! i’m nonbinary, i present anywhere from generally fem to casually masc and everything in between
  2. i have mental disorders, like, a lot of mental disorders. my main ones are G.A.D (generalized anxiety disorder), and clinical, chronic depression. I have a very severe amount of anxiety so mine is technically classified as a mental disability along with a mental illness.
  3. Some of the other mental issues that i experience and will be talking about include: gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, paranoia, OCD, psychosis, tics, insomnia, trauma, EDNOS, executive function disorder, night terrors, social anxiety disorder, and others :)
  4. i will only be speaking on my behalf and my personal experiences
  5. i will include trigger warnings in tags and before the triggering thing is mentioned.
  6. some things i will be putting a trigger warning for are; drinking/drugs, abuse of any kind, transphobia/homophobia/etc, weapons, conflict, self harm of any form, and all of my mental disorders will have tw on them not because they’re taboo but because in my personal experience talking about specific things will make me focus on them more and will make me spiral.
  7. if you want me to add a tw for things just tell me ! i’ll most likely see it and if i see it i’ll add it
  8. i’ve been in CBT/DBT therapy for almost 10 years now
  9. i’ve been on various mental health medications for almost 10 years now as well
  10. i’m currently on gabapentin, zoloft, bupropion, and clonidine
  11. i’ve had a 504 for almost 3 years now
  12. i’ve been hospitalized twice both for (tw suicide mention) suicidal ideation
  13. i was also in family therapy for about a year
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my mom helped me by proofreading poems for my class. one of them was about the undiagnosed whatever in my head that makes me have memory loss, focusing on the possibilityvof DID. since i almost got hospitalized, i told her about how ive been talking to my therapist avout this, but im not diagnosed and im in a better state now (the poem was written when i was in a bad place, and focused on how scary not knowing at alll what is actually going on is. is it ptsd? DID? Other? who knows!)

her response to this was to suggest i change therapists because “i dont think you have that DID stuff. and you didnt really need to be hospitalized”(i asked my therapist to alert my parents to my issues as i could not bring myself to do it, and i was at a place where she legally, but also because shes worked with me for a while and said this is the worst shes seen, highly recommended i go for a stay)

I had to sit down my mom and explain everything she thought there was ‘no way i could have/need) were things i brought up after careful evaluation and, like a good therapist, she talks and reasons with me about what could and couldnt be. i had to explain that how i was raised as a child with my bio dad was textbook formula for chances of having DID. that i started my last session telling my therapist my bad thoughts got worse snd i think i need to go for a stay at a psych ward. that those things are things i wanted to talk about because I BROUGHT THRM UP. i had to explain how symptoms work! how its not like youd notice if someone else was up front if i had DID, because thats the WHOLE POINT. i didnt even get into how it could manifest cause i was just done

thank gods i only talked about those two, and not the other shit like possible ptsd, bpd, anger issues, how bad my eating issues are, ect

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they all say to me to go “get help” when im in crisis but then don’t have anything to say when i got the help and the help didn’t work. like if *you* are frustrated that i’m in and out of the hospital constantly, re hashing all these meds and relapsing constantly into a suicidal mess out of the blue. How do you think *i* feel. I’m sick of being like this. I’m sick of being sick. I just want to be able to go more than a few weeks at a time without intrusive suicidal thoughts. It wears me down man. I’m always arguing in my head with myself and its so exhausting.

At first i was kinda bummed that ECT was starting to make me lose memories but like. Gang gang 😜✌maybe I’ll forget some trauma and other hurtful shit that’s happened.

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That’s a very sensitive situation. It’s so hard to say because body dysmorphia is often comes hand in hand with eating disorders and that means simply telling people they look great or to “stop”/that it’s dangerous is not enough, and I know that. My best friend had BDD growing up and bulimia, and the only thing I learned was how deeply ingrained those behaviors are and how deeply rooted that pattern of thinking is.

Though I don’t think this has ever been confirmed (?), the message still stands: I’d give him the information on BDD/eating disorders because he’s someone who, I think, would want to read and digest for himself, first, and then I’d encourage him to seek out therapy. And most of all, ask what he needed from me/let him know I’m here for him.

If anyone is struggling with this, I encourage you to reach out to someone. Easier said than done, I know, but I believe in you and your recovery.

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Man: No one cares about our mental health 😭 I wish men were allowed to show their emotions 😭
Woman: *has a mental illness or just expresses a negative emotion*
Man: lol that bitch is probably just faking it for attention. probably on her period. you know how hormonal women can be... don't stick your dick in crazy
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As some may already know, Nnoitra is clearly paranoid.

Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) is one of a group of conditions called eccentric personality disorders. People with PPD suffer from paranoia, an unrelenting mistrust and suspicion of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious. Symptoms include mistrust, hypervigilence, difficulty with forgiveness, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism (this is extremely important because in Nnoitra’s case, it generally triggers a reaction of hyperviolence from him), preoccupation with hidden motives, fear of being deceived or taken advantage of, inability to relax.

Nnoitra presents all these symptoms, the level of gravity depending on the context, his current environment - social and concrete.

He also has psychotic episodes. Those are generally short ones, but they include sensory, auditory and visual hallucinations. This, combined with Nnoitra’s power, makes him extremely dangerous to be around during those episodes.

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I feel like I will never be able to measure up to the standarts my (twin) sister has set. She’s better than me at basically everything.

Like I will always be 2nd. Worth less than her. The unnecessary appendage.

I had a panic attack yesterday because I felt like I will never be enough, especially compared to her and today I recieved a voicemail from her, saying she feels like I expect too much out of people while giving back too little.

(for context: I work 40 Hours a week and have to drive 7,5 Hours Weekly to get there on top of keeping the whole house clean, because I live alone atm as well as juggling weekly appoinments with my psychiatrist, and physiotherapy. To help me out my mom and my sister asked if they could do anything for me, so I asked my sister if she could cook dinner so I don’t have to and she agreed. It took me so much to ask for help and as soon as I do that’s what happens)

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LOVE the fact that my mom, aunt, and brother ganged up on me and just said that there is absolutely ✨nothing✨ wrong with me because I dont have hyperactivity so it’s not possible I have adhd. Bruh it might not be that, but I would rather know than not know?? Also, I’ve seen a lot of people talk about adhd and their experience and symptoms and I relate to almost all of them. Like… A scary amount. That’s why I think I have adhd/add. It might not be it though, it might be something else, but I want to be absolutely sure about it and not be talked down to by a brother who says he’s there for me but turns around and gets mad at me for being myself, a mom who isnt even around me for long enough to actually know what’s going on in my head and makes snap judgments and is on the whole very dismissive of everyone, and a catty aunt I can barely maintain conversation with on account of the fact we’ve hardly ever seen each other outside of old photos and quick hellos at a wedding and get-togethers, and who, by the way, is someone who works with kids, and should be able to tell when a kid isnt feeling their best. I may not experience every last thing, but I’m going fucking crazy because no one takes me fucking seriously. So I’m sorry for being able to hide myself just well enough and for being just fine enough to be considered normal. I would rather know, jesus fucking christ, why is that so fucking hard to get?!

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Being chronically mentally Ill and progressively physically chronically ill is such a weird fucking existence. Yes everyone around me understands me less and less everyday, I don’t relate to them. Yes their misguided “inspiration” angers me. Yes I hate myself and this existence and somehow don’t feel good or bad enough.

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Some peeps just really don’t understand that depression isn’t sadness. It’s not, it’s really not.

Sadness is just a side effect of depression. Depression itself is emptiness. A hollow where want is supposed to be. It’s the distant sense that things need to happen, but that voice is never loud enough to take control.

You know - you know your world is collapsing around you. You’re aware that there are things you could do to fix it, or at least lessen the fall, but you just… don’t. Reality is a far away shape through a soft mist, something you understand, you truly do, but it just doesn’t seem to matter.

No, depression is not sadness. Depression is a blank space. A space that, in theory, should be filled with something, but no matter how hard you try you can’t figure out what that something is, much less how to get it there. And that is what makes you sad - looking at this void, having a sense of pained longing for the obviously missing piece, but being so disoriented you don’t even remember what the missing piece is.

Depression is not sadness. Depression is not anything - depression is an overwhelming amount of not anything.

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The alcoholic wont stop drinking

The anorexic wont stop starving

The bulimic wont stop b/p'ing

The one with bpd wont stop self destructing

The one with anxiety wont stop stressing

The one with depression wont get out of bed

Their disorder protects them. In many cases it’s the only thing that helps them get through another day. I have struggled with all of these disorders, and i have lost count of every person who has told me to just get it together. To just be positive. Just take a walk, get some sleep and eat healthy.

Would you tell a cancer patient that? No, you wouldnt. So why is it so acceptable to give mental health advice about a disorder you have no experience with? No one gets these disorders out of nowhere. No one chooses to be limited by these disorders. These are serious illnesses that takes lives, every single year.

Mental illness is not a choice. It’s a response to trauma, something that is meant to protect you. Sadly, the human body isn’t perfect. Something that is meant to protect you, might just be the thing that keeps you from living.

They do not choose their disorder, they are a victim of a horrible disorder that requires medical attention. So the next time you see someone who is struggling, please choose to support- rather than judge. It’s not their fault, and being treated as such will do nothing else than dig a deeper hole.

These people judge themselves every single day, so please- dont contribute to this. Spread some cheer, love and support. It might seem like a small thing, but it could save lives.

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