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#tw self harm

Whoo, another vent fic! I’ve been writing on it for a couple of days now and decided to quickly finish and upload it before my next zoom meeting, lol. 
If you should read my ZsaszMask fics on Ao3, you will recognise that the title and subject matter are the same. That’s because I’ve vented by giving Roman my problems before. But the same problem is still plaguing me. By now, I’m legitimately scared of showering each night. So, yeah, vent fic. Which is gonna be rather specific again, ‘cause OCD and neurodermatitis.

summary; Your wounds on hands and wrists are distressing you, new intrusive thoughts appear and make it even worse. Dan is there to reassure you and just be the wonderful boyfriend that he is. 

notes; TW // Contamination OCD, Self-Harm (unintentional and implied intentional); Intrusive Thoughts (rather graphic! Be cautious, please); Bleeding wounds on hands and wrists. Male!Reader; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Neurodermatitis; Cuddling; Showering; Reassurance. 

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It had been a nice day. Dan had a day off. You were home, too, but you had some work for university that you needed to get done. That work was quickly finished, though, and so you ended up on the couch together, watching some movies and just enjoying each other’s company for the rest of the day. It was nice. Relaxing.

Eventually, late evening was approaching and you still needed to take a shower. It was so set in your routine, on top of medically needed, and also forced upon you by your OCD, so that you couldn’t wait till morning. You hated it. You didn’t want to leave Dan’s side, nor did you want to shower as it was.

“I can feel you’re stressed. What is it, sweetheart?” Dan asked, pulling you out of your head.

“Just… Showering?” You replied, a little unsure if he would get it.

“Right, right,” he murmured, pulling you closer and pressing a kiss on your forehead. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, I don’t think so. I’m sorry. And if I put it off any longer, it’s only gonna get worse.”

“Alright then. I’ll be right here when you get back, okay?” He kissed your forehead again, then your lips and then he gave you a little nudge to make you get up.

You tried to calm yourself while you got everything ready for the shower. You didn’t have to look at yourself. You were pretty good at looking up to the ceiling or just closing your eyes, when you were showering. Yet, you weren’t sure if any of that would help that day.

No thanks to your OCD, you excessively washed your hands too many times a day to keep count of. On top of that, you were suffering from neurodermatitis, so your skin was even more prone to splitting open and getting bloody and raw from washing it so much. And at the moment, your wrists and the backs of your hands were full of little open wounds - some even a little bigger - and dry and angry red patches of skin that looked like rashes. It all hurt a ton. Burning, pulling your skin open with each movement, stabbing pains and so forth. You wished it wasn’t like that. You really did.

It was upsetting. You felt like people would look at your hands and see how broken you were. How beyond repair you were. You hated it.

Eventually, you got into the shower and started following your routine. It went well until you caught a glimpse of your wrists, both such an angry red, the wounds standing out like they were actively trying to get attention from people.

Suddenly, your mind’s eye was filled with these images.

You got them a lot. Self-destructive. Hard to resist at times.

Yet, those were new.

They showed you how you would turn the water to its hottest level and just stand there until it scalded your skin, starting to burn it off even. They showed you how you would take a knife and just slice it all off, getting rid of the evidence.

It was utterly distressing. You didn’t want to do any of this. You didn’t!

It wouldn’t make your problem any better. It would make it worse if anything. You knew that. You also knew you wouldn’t follow through with it. At least you hoped you wouldn’t. You weren’t so sure anymore, when you noticed that the water was pretty hot already, almost unbearably so.

Had you turned the handle after all?

You quickly turned it to make the spray lukewarm, finished off with your routine quickly and got out of the shower.

Drying yourself was hurried, so was putting on your clothes. You did your hair a little and washed your hands again, like you always did. Then you pulled the sleeves of your sleeping shirt over your hands.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Or so you had hoped.

The thoughts, the images; they were haunting you. They played in the back of your mind, over and over again, distressing you further.

You got back to the living room, to the couch, where Dan was still sitting. Immediately, his attention was on you, when you entered the room. His face had concern written all over it. So he probably felt your distress. Fuck.

With a sigh, you sat down next to him again, pressing into his side. You couldn’t talk, you realised, as you tried to tell him that you were okay. It would have been a lie and he would have known it, but he knew not to pressure you and to accept your lies sometimes.

Dan wrapped his arms around you, pressing your face into his chest. It was calming. Reassuring. Grounding.

His hands were rubbing your arm and your back respectively, soothing you.

Can I do anything for you?

You closed your eyes, when his low, soothing voice rang through your head. You tried so hard to think, to see past the hurt and intrusive thoughts, if there was anything he could do. But you came up empty-handed. You always did.

Shaking your head, you whined. You were so fucking exhausted. Tired. Broken.

Subconsciously, you had started scratching your wrists. Your neurodermatitis was triggered by distress, your skin was itching and prickling all over, but your wrists were the worst. They were burning with it.

Dan put a hand over the one you were scratching yourself with and stopped it. He took your hand into yours, intertwined your fingers and squeezed it gently, reassuringly.

It’s okay. Should I get your lotion?

You shook your head, getting up yourself instead. You needed to wash your hands before putting your lotion on them anyway. So you did just that.

It hurt. Your open and bleeding wounds burned and stung. So much, so that you were forced to squeeze your eyes shut and exhale forcibly to push down the pathetic whine that tried to escape you instead.

Afterwards, your sleeves were pulled over your hands again; both as to not see them and to be able to cuddle back into Dan. You hated the lotion on your forearms and hands. It was a thick, sticky layer that didn’t help you in the end anyway.

Dan put his arms back around you, going back to rubbing you soothingly. You noticed that he had put in one of your comfort movies without question. In thanks you nuzzled his chest, kissing it briefly.

You were so tired. You would have loved to just go to sleep and leave everything behind yourself; but you knew you wouldn’t be able to find any rest if you were to go to bed in such distress.

When the film was over, the two of you got yourselves ready for bed and crawled under the covers eventually. Dan was spooning you from behind, one arm around your middle, the other under your neck, pillowing your head. Your legs were intertwined and one of your arms was griping onto the one he had wrapped around your waist.

“Do you want to tell me what upset you?” He whispered softly, gently kissing the back of your neck.

“New intrusive thoughts,” you answered shortly, a frustrated sigh leaving you.

He nuzzled your hair on the nape of your neck with his nose, pressing another gentle kiss on your skin.

“Would you elaborate on that or would you rather forget about it for now?”

“I don’t know. It’s just… It’s about the wounds on my wrists and such. I- I’m fucking damaged, Dan. Anyone who sees these wounds will know I’m beyond repair. I just want it all gone. I want them gone. I want the skin off of me. That’s- That’s what these thoughts- images rather - were about. And I don’t know what to do because they’re so hard to resist, even though they’d only make it all so much worse.”

“Y/N, let me say that you are not beyond repair. Nor are you damaged. I may not be able to fully understand this particular problem you’re facing, now, but I’m determined to help and support you through it.”

Swallowing thickly, you squeezed the arm you have been gripping the entire time, wordlessly thanking him.

“And listen, darling. We’ll find solutions for you, alright? I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. If you need me to shower with you, I’ll do just that. If you need to talk to me before, during and - or after, I’ll be there to talk to you. Even when I should not be home and at work instead, we can always talk over the phone, okay? If the thoughts should become too much and you’re afraid you’re gonna follow through with them, I’ll be there for you and help you, okay? You’re not alone, I promise you.”

A pause.

“You’re such a strong man, you know? Each day, I am so proud of you. You’ve come so far, despite every stone that’s been placed in front of you - and you keep on going. I love you, y/n and I admire you.”

Tears were shining in your eyes and as so often, you couldn’t fathom just what you’ve done to deserve an understanding and amazing boyfriend, such as Dan was.

“I love you, too, Dan. Thank you. I- I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. You take my breath away and make me speechless. You know how proud of you I am - each and every day for fighting so hard, for surviving like you are. You truly amaze me, my love,” you responded softly, your voice breaking a little on every other word.

Dan squeezed you tightly, pressing against your back and kissing the back of neck once more.

Go to sleep, my darling. I’m here. I’ll protect you.

You heard his voice in your head again, smiling softly as you did. Then you nodded and closed your eyes, getting comfortable. Your mind was mostly quiet for the first time this evening. 

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I’m *attempting to write a book

I’m *attempting to write a vampire book series with a lot of LGBTQ+ and poc representation and I’ve written the first 3 or so chapters of the first book. If anybody is interested in reading it,you can check it out on my wattpad which is Gryffinclaw112. Feedback and advice is welcome!

⬇️ More info

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Logs for Thomas - #64

God, I missed writing these.

This’ll be another short one because I’m desperately trying to put what I’m about to say out of my mind (lol nvm), but I figured venting to you would help me feel a little better. If you’ve had a rough day or something and just don’t have the energy to read it, though, I completely understand.

It’s… it’s one of those days where I can’t stop thinking about horrible shit. Things from high school, middle school, etc. Everything just feels terrible, and I feel like no matter how much older I get, no matter what good things I do now, these awful memories are almost exactly as fresh as they were the first time they happened. The bully who showed my embarrassing fanart account to everyone, her flying monkeys, the guidance counselor who didn’t take me seriously, the therapists who called me delusional… It’s all just there, and it hurts, and I can’t make it fucking go away!

I made some vent art about it, which helped, but… I Did A Stupid and looked up old messages from people who said shitty things to me in hopes of capturing some iconic quotes that hurt enough to put on paper, but none of what I read would have made sense out of context, and instead, I starting having, just,,, the WORST flashback, and… God, it was all so horrible. I feel sick.

Will I ever be rid of this? Does having BPD mean I’ll be stuck feeling this anguished about things that happened long ago forever? No, that’s ridiculous.

I don’t even know what I can say from this point on that I haven’t already covered. 

Everything is so different now. I did some not-so-great things in high school, and in spite of all the bullshit I received on my end, sometimes I feel like… maybe I deserved it? Do people deserve to be bullied for doing something shitty? No, that’s ridiculous. Right? Where’s the line between bullying people and giving them a taste of their own medicine? Am I overthinking this? Is my perspective on vengeance or “karma” or some other third thing so skewed that I keep running into this over and over again, or am I making more sense than I think I am? Does it matter? 

God, it just… It’s like I’m still in my own personal bubble of hell among the heaven I’ve supposedly earned.

Maybe karma really is just… being unable to sleep at night.

I’m so confused. I just want to not hate myself right now. I want to hit our head so fucking hard against something that I lose all memory of what my life was like before moving here. 

I won’t–I can’t, and even if I could, I promised myself and my family not to self-harm again–but god, is it tempting.

Thomas, I… I just want to… Fuck, I don’t want to cry again. Shit. Shit!

I’m fine, I’m okay. I’m going to be fine. Fuck.

I still feel entitled to a lot of apologies from a lot of people that probably won’t ever come. Best case scenario, my old peers have forgotten about almost everyone since high school, including me. At worst… God, I don’t know. 

I had a nightmare about HER again a couple of nights ago. I thought after all this time, they’d stop, but I keep having them. It’s like our brain gets a kick out of torturing me.

Sometimes, I feel like it’s all behind me, and I can finally just let go and Be Happy Now, but other times… It’s like I’ll never be free of any of this.

I want to be forgiven. I want to be apologized to. I want someone who hurt me in high school to say, “Hey, I know you did a couple of shitty things back then, but you’re still a person, and I can tell you’ve grown a lot since, and I’m really sorry that I contributed to your pain. I hope you’re feeling better about everything now, but I can’t imagine how difficult carrying that for all these years has been. If it helps at all, I forgive you. You’re okay. Please, you can let it all go, I promise. No one hates you anymore. It’s really okay.”

But, realistically, I’m not going to get that, am I? It’s really hard to find the line between what I did and didn’t deserve, and I can’t tell where my morals end and my emotions begin, or if the two even mix well enough with each other, if that makes sense.

This knot in my gut keeps forming, then falling apart, then reforming again. It’s like an invisible force is trying to crush me. That’s anxiety for you, I suppose. 

There’s a movie that I forget the title of, and I’ve never seen it, but I like the concept: it’s about this couple that break up and are in so much pain over it that they both request a neurology clinic to erase all of their memories of each other (and they fall back in love all over again, which is sweet, but that’s not the point). I just… Why can’t I have that? 

Wait, WAIT! Oh my god!

I completely forgot that we’re planning to start EMDR therapy soon. EMDR doesn’t rid you of your memories, but it’s known to completely emotionally detach you from them in a healthy way, I believe. Our therapist wants to start doing it with us, and we as a system are still trying to determine who’ll be going first. 

I’ve been waiting for this to happen for a while. I can’t believe I forgot about it for these past couple of days. 

I hope it works… From the research I’ve done, it seems pretty damn effective. 

Okay, I’m suddenly feeling much better about all of this. I think the meds finally kicked in.

Okay, okay! Yeah, everything’s good, now. Thank you so much for listening!

G’night^^

-S

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tw self harm but hopeful end message. just processing some things.

ah i think part of my academic trauma is like this sense of impending doom? like when something is due and the class doesn’t accept late work and I know I have to sacrifice something like sleep or food or fun in order to get it done and I know it won’t be good Because im sacrificing one of the life essentials, there’s this like hysteria-death wave that i ride

like for an hour i’ll weep and wail and just be absolutely losing it, in agony over the fact that i’m doomed, and then immediately after that this sense of calm sets in. but like not a nice happy calm I just decide not to be overwhelmed by panic anymore and to just cause myself harm. both by deciding to think things like “it doesnt matter how i feel and im being stupid” and “i am the worst and everyone hates me”, and deciding to do things like not eat and not talk to people and not sleep and just. whatever other self-harmy things i can get away with, yknow. 

and that’s the real doom, i think, is that i have these ultimatums that i grew up with: if i don’t do well in school/work/life, i won’t be loved and i deserve to suffer. and i force myself to act it out even though i know its awful and i hate it.

it always feels silly to think about how much academic success rules my life but idk it’s also fair to point out that i was treated severely unkindly when i made minor academic slipups, like showing up 5 minutes late to a 6am class or getting a b for a week in an ap class. and i felt so awful about it all the time that in sophomore year i was mildly suicidal.

it makes me sad to think about how unkindly i was treated. and it makes me frustrated and guilty and sad and upset that it’s so hard to dislodge this toxic mindset. and it makes me especially sad that the people who treated me unkindly 1) aren’t going to apologize or change their behavior and 2) even if they did, it won’t make me any happier or erase those messages. it’s up to me to dislodge them. and i’m doing an ok job, i’ve made a lot of progress over the years, but it’s still. really hard.

i didn’t know if i should post this, because it’s pretty personal and also very emotionally taxing. but i do want to show other people that if they feel this way, they’re not alone. and though i’m by no means done with this problem, it does get better, and i do ultimately believe that people have worth outside their accomplishments. i believe in all of us struggling students of life, and i believe that things will get better. please remember to treat yourself and those around you with compassion, we are all fragile in our growth.

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TW: Self-Harm

First off, nobody in the RFA will ever judge you for your scars. They won’t ask if you don’t want to talk but it but they will hope you know that they are always there to talk and they want to make sure you know that you are cherished and that if you ever feel like you need to talk in the middle of the night, they’re there to listen to any little thing you have to say. It’s not a bother, nor are you.

Saeyoung understands the pain that comes from living through the worst feeling one can ever dare to imagine. He has punished himself before and it wasn’t the happiest time in his life, and so, if he were to catch sight of your scars, he would hate that you knew and empathized with that feeling. However, he isn’t upset or ashamed of you, he’s fully aware of what you must have felt when you did that. It hurts him to think that you suffered at as any point in your life.

You’re so kind and caring to everyone. He wants to make sure that you feel safe, secure, and like you never have to do that to yourself ever again.

If you had a relapse, he’s not going to judge either. He isn’t the type to judge others and he would never do that sort of thing to you, not now, not ever. If you don’t bring it up or don’t talk about, he doesn’t poke at it. He just makes sure that you know that he’s there for you. He will remind you that you mean the world to him and if you acknowledge your scars to him, he’ll gently kiss all the marks that he can find. He wants you to know that you’re beautiful and he cherishes you, scars and all. He has his own scars that he doesn’t talk about, but you always gently brush against those and smile reassuringly at him. He hopes to give you that same comfort.

“I love you, Y/N. I hope you know that this doesn’t change how I feel about you or how I look at you. I’m so proud of you for surviving, no, thriving in this world on your own. I know how hard it can be and I want you to know that I’m always going to be here for when you need someone to talk to or somebody to cry with. I would hope you would do the same for me, but I can’t promise I won’t crush you eith a hug when I get the chance.”

Now, Saeran, on the other hand, he knows how easy it is to hate yourself and how easy it is to feel like there’s no other way to feel. He knows the feeling of claws in his scalp and he knows the feeling of nails picking at his forearms to ground himself. He knows now that that didn’t help him cope with his problems and that it only made it a lot harder to come down and away from the elixir and everything that hurt him. So, he knows when he sees your scars where they came from and why it was you did it. At least, he has a theory and he won’t dare ask you or make you tell him why you felt that way.

He knows that you would never make him talk about it if he couldn’t handle it so he gives you the same luxury of space and trust back tenfold.

He does hope that you don’t harm yourself anymore and that the scars are old, but you can often feel him grasp at your arms when you’re in bed and his thumbs gently rub against the raised skin in small circles. You don’t have to say it for him to get it. Saeran doesn’t feel the urge himself anymore, but he wants to work on getting better with you. He would never dare judge you for that feeling. He loves you and wants you to feel safe in his arms. He would protect you from any of the demons you have, even the ones that make you feel ashamed.

“…You don’t have to tell me about it,” he would say quietly. “I understand. I hope that you don’t feel that lonely or afraid anymore but I get it if you still do sometimes. I just… want to be here for you like you were there for me. I want to kiss every mark to show you how you’ll never be alone again, just like how you kiss me to remind me that we’re together. I’m sorry you felt that way once, I just hope you know it’s okay to talk to me if you feel that way again.”

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Day 4!! - November 23rd, 2020

  • Today was actually a really good day, I think!!! I had 2 ½ meals (I had a small lunch) and I think 2 cups of water? And I also took a nap today so that’s nice!!
  • I guess I wasn’t really too productive today, but at least I had fun!! It was nice to ramble about my ideas to friends!! :D
  • My mental health was,, fine I guess? A little messy, but ok!! I had a lil bit of intrusive thoughts, but I managed to push them away!!
  • I didn’t self harm at all today!!!! I’m very proud of myself for that!!! :D
  • So yeah!!! All in all a pretty nice day!!
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7x03 the girl next door

#1: sam uses his hand scar to break himself out of his hallucination. dean taught and encouraged this coping mechanism. aka dean encouraged sam to use self harm as a coping mechanism…knowing that sam would do anything he said.

time tag: 6:59

#2: “girl, interrupted over there” (said to bobby, about sam) why does he feel the need to talk shit ab sam w bobby every chance he gets? if he wanted sam to talk to him honestly, then maybe he shouldn’t be a dick 100% of the time. especially about feelings.

time tag: 8:05

#3: “sam’s not a curve. he’s a frickin’ time bomb” (said to bobby) ok so why do you punch him in ab a day? why do u encourage him to continue to hunt? why are u still an asshole?

time tag: 8:10

#4: punches sam the second he opens his motel room door. punches sam, who just had a serious brain injury a couple weeks ago, and who is also experiencing psychosis….dean PUNCHES him. ????? lmk what “good big brother” would ever do this.

time tag: 31:56

#5: “new rule, you steal my baby you get punched” okay . 1) new rule? sam is a grown man he doesn’t need rules. and 2) he gets punched if he touches your car? oh sure that sounds fair.

god ive been waiting for this. okay true story: i once stole my older sister’s car when i was 15 and i CRASHED it, dented the whole back end, and you wanna know what she did?? literally nothing. she told me i was an idiot and that was it. i sure as hell wasn’t assaulted .

time tag: 32:04

#6: interesting parallel of young sam having to use a cold soda to ice his black eye, after getting beaten up by bullies…and present sam having to use a cold soda to ice the same injury, after getting beaten up by dean.

time tag: 32:08

#7: “you never told me that” yeah why the fuck would he dean? u literally get joy out of murdering monsters….

time tag: 33:54

#8: “she’s dropping bodies man…which means we got to drop her, no matter how many merit badges she racked up when she was a kid. i’m sorry but it’s that simple”

the way dean desperately tries to make what they do “simple” so he never has to look into the moral implications of anything he does.. it’s upsetting. if he can’t understand the complexity of monsters at the ripe age of 30? 31? then he shouldn’t be a fucking hunter.

time tag: 34:27

#9: “look man, i get it. you meet a girl, you feel that spark, there’s nothing better. but this freak?” sam’s reaction to this kinda speaks for itself. but remember how many times dean called sam a freak in s1-5?? if dean views amy as a cold blooded killer that needs to be murdered, then how does he view sam, if he calls them the same term?

time tag: 35:25

#10: sam, the only one that has history with amy, the only one that talked with amy about the recent deaths, says amy doesn’t need to be killed. dean doesn’t believe him even though he has 0 evidence to prove otherwise.

time tag: 35:59

#11: “look you don’t trust her, fine. trust me.” (sam to dean) dean has said multiple times he doesn’t value or trust sam’s opinion on anything, ever. so kinda dumb of sam to ask him of this ngl.

time tag: 36:28

#12: deans says that he will trust sam because he “got to start sometime, right?” which is a fat ass lie.

time tag: 36:43

#13: “but people, they are who they are. no matter how hard you try, you are what you are.” (said to amy) wow. what a beautifuly horrific, degrading, dumbass poem dean. THIS is why sam believed that voicemail in the church with lilth. THIS is why moc!dean is just regular dean. THIS is why dean is 15x17 is not ooc.

time tag: 38:25

#14: “trust me i’m an expert” (said to amy) an expert?? on monsters? no. ur an expert on killing monsters, not monsters lives themselves. SAM knew what amy went through, he knew what it was like to hate what you are, what it’s like to try and defy the evil inside you. dean doesn’t know jack shit about that. he isnt an expert, he’s a bratty child who craves attention.

time tag: 38:35

#15: killed amy. dean knew she had a son. he knew amy was a mortician, and thats how her and jacob got the food to survive. he knew all this yet still murdered amy, and left jacob an orphan. jacob now has no other choice but to murder to survive. very smart dean. big brain.

time tag: 39:14

#16: “you ever kill anyone? well if you do i’ll come back for you.” (said to JACOB) he’s like 8 leave him the hell ALONE dean. threatening a child? god are none of us surprised.

time tag: 29:25

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fun fact!

non-physical methods of self harm are still self-harm

isolation? stopping yourself from doing activities that you enjoy/enjoyed? not allowing yourself to get help? seeking out things that you know trigger you? starting arguments with those you care about?

that’s still fuckin self harm. stopit.

source: i was hospitalized for more than three months and that was literally day one of getting better. you have to recognize problematic behaviors before you can start healthy ones.

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I self harmed for the first time today in a long time. Usually I am on the hyperactivity side of my disorder but today I’ve been feeling the depressive side. I just wish the lies my brain tells me would go away 🙁

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