#tw suicidality

[onsomeplanet]

web weaving of a specific appeal of taylor swift

#incoherents #taylor swift #web weaving #lyrics #tw suicidality #LIKE GIRLLLLLLL

[lunaefall]

The Red Flags of Ruby's Suicidality Throughout The Volume

It should be obvious, but this short essay will cover heavy subjects of suicide, so if you're uncomfortable with this subject matter please don't read this.

The first red flag was in episode 4, where Ruby contemplated erasing her current self due to her failures, after talking to her 'past self'.

This gets reinforced by the lyrics of Trapdoor, which is about how worthless and unneeded Ruby feels.

One common mindset among suicidal people is this: what if I'm useless? What if my friends don't need me anymore? What if they don't care about me? What if I'll keep ruining everything? Would the world be better without me?

Suicidal people are usually full of self-loathing and blame.

Even in the episode 7 fight Ruby felt useless after seeing C-PTSD red flags (they're not Neo hallucinations because she didn't see the Schnee manor grounds struggle with hacked Penny). In her eyes, the others are fighting well without her, so she's useless.

Another set of red flags is snapping at your loved ones, pushing them away and driving yourself into isolation. We see ALL these in episodes 7 and 8, with Ruby snapping at her friends and running away, and even pushing Little away.

And on top of it she feels like her friends don't care, the world is against her, etc. which is YET another red flag.

(Massive disclaimer that this is NOT anti WBY and they, especially Yang, tried to reach out to her throughout the volume.)

I'd like to mention that if your loved one attempts and you tried to help but couldn't do it, it is NOT your fault. We're not all experts and we try our best, so do not ever blame yourself for these things.

It's not uncommon for suicidal people to refuse help, and on top of it Ruby has always been selfless to self destructive levels.

And the last thing, her self blame over her loved ones dying. While Penny and Pyrrha were apparitions, they still reflected her self blame. And Little dying? The final straw.

So her suicide attempt in the end was being built up all volume.

All I can say is that I hope Ruby somehow gets rescued and also recovers from her mental health problems because JESUS CHRIST.

This was a bit hard for me to write, especially as someone with BPD and frequent suicidal tendencies. This topic hits hard for me. However, I'm not an expert and this post shouldn't be taken as gospel. There may be details even I missed, so feel free to add your own observations.

And remember that if you are suicidal as well, you're not alone. You'll always have people who care about you, and resources to help out.

#rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby9 #rwby9 spoilers #rwby volume 9 #rwby volume 9 spoilers #ruby rose #rwby analysis #rwby meta #suicidality #tw suicidality #dani.txt

[pearlcaddy]

LOCKWOOD & CO. 1.05

#lockwood & co #lockwood and co #lockwoodandcoedit #anthony lockwood #anthonylockwoodedit #lucy carlyle #lucycarlyleedit #locklyle #locklyleedit #flo bones #flobonesedit #tvedit #tw suicidality #pearlcaddyedit #pearlcaddy l&co #500 #1k #god everything about this exchange #big sister flo being worried for him #the wry smile he does to try to keep things from feeling heavy #the way he IMMEDIATELY LOOKS AT LUCY #because she's part of the reason he's still alive #and the look on lucy's face as she fully registers the seriousness of lockwood's recklessness and suicidality #which then sets up her reaction to him trying to sacrifice himself later that night

[glamaphonic]

when you're just living your life thinking that ed teach couldn't possibly ever become more babygirl

and then s2 starts and you are bowled over by the fact that you are the wrongest you've ever been

him telling frenchie that he's going to be an impossible bird and frenchie immediately responding that that doesn't seem like something that can exist but ed knows that

he knows and that's the point

the depression the manicness the all but begging someone, anyone, to kill him

him getting everything in order before sailing into the storm! the absolute relief when jim is about to kill him

and the fact that through it all, that desire to survive is still there, bcs he couldn't bring himself to do it himself

hornigold being there to represent everything ed hates about himself

and him finally going over the cliff because he thinks no one's waiting for him

(but he's wrong; stede is; stede always will be)

anyway character of all time. i love him sfm and cannot wait to see the rest of his journey this season.

#ofmd #ofmd s2 spoilers #ed teach #edward teach #blackbeard #tw suicide #tw suicidality

[gaytedlasso]

I reach for me, but I’m not there

I always wonder why I’m here

It’s fine, it’s okay

I’ll die anyway

- girl in red

#looking forward to the number of tags calling this an edit #sketch.art #spn art #Stanford era Dean #I know this is from 1x05 but it’s Stanford era to ME #safe dean content #becauseofthebowties #cowboycoven #tuserpris #don't usually say this but tap for quality cuz yeah this is detailed as fuck #tw suicidality

[whatsnewalycat]

Sometimes I’m like “maybe I’ll wean myself off antidepressants eventually” and then unintentionally go a few days without them and slowly but surely a profound sadness overtakes me, emptying me out, sucking every ounce of joy from my brain until I am tempted to either curl up in a ball and cry until I rot or take a nap facedown in the nearest body of water.

Anyway, going to get that prescription refilled today lol jesus fucking christ.

#store bought brain chemicals are fine #tw depression #tw antidepressants #tw suicidality

[terezicaptor]

does anyone else ever think abt that time qtubbo had been continuously passively suicidal in front of sunny, barely using his paraglider, kept taking massive amounts of damage, and then one day died in front of her. Back before his lives were limited. And she was horrified and tubbo joked about being a shit father. And sunny tried to tell people there was something wrong with her pa. And they said it was just tubbo being tubbo. Does anyone ever think about that

#txt #qsmp #tw suicidality #Does anyone else think abt how SUNNY TRIED TO GET HIM HELP................

[confusedraven1]

i don’t think izzy fully came to terms with the fact that he shares the blame with stede for setting ed off on his destructive spiral until after he got shot.

when ed asked him to tell him why the vibes are toxic on the ship, that would’ve been a moment for izzy to admit that he was wrong to say what he did and apologize, but, instead, he said it was because ed couldn’t get over stede.

in the hidden room during That Conversation, ed tells izzy he had a dream that he killed him, shot him right through the skull (sidenote: not an actual dream, a plan). izzy looks at him almost in disbelief then says, “good for you. good for you for having fucked up dreams, why would you tell me something like that?”

“it was good for me. it’s just what the doctor ordered.”

that line is….oof. 😮‍💨 BUT it’s also a callback to s1 ep10 when izzy tells ed he wished he had been killed by the english, that death was better than how he was acting.

in this scene in s2 ep2, ed is saying, “you were right. i’m better off dead, and apparently no one else can manage it, so i’m handing the job off to you. and this is exactly how i want it done. izzy, i want you to handle this. i want it done right.”

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #edward teach #blackbeard #izzy hands #tw suicidality #tw mental health #tw suicidal ideation #this shit is HEAVY guys #take care of yourselves #ofmd s2 ep2 #red flags

[borderline-culture-is]

// tw suicide ment //

bpd culture is being suicidal but your fp is having a rough time also so you don't tell them you're struggling because "they're more important than me anyway"

.

#borderline culture is #borderline personality disorder #bpd #bpd culture is #bpd culture #bpd safe #actually borderline #actually bpd #bpd fp #fp #fp bpd #tw suicidality #cw suicidality #suicidality

[sammerific]

Sam Winchester // Sledge Winston and the Element of Surprise (Conor Oberst)

For @suncaptor's event- Happy birthday!!

#sorry if this edit makes no sense to anybody ... #sam winchester #sam and dean #sam and lucifer #suncaptorevent #sam winchester edit #spn edit #my edit #tw suicidality

[bodhranwriting]

The Way Through the Woods by Bodhrán M.

PROLOGUE

It had taken almost a century of denial – and nearly two more of experimentation – before Palamon Keeper accepted it was, in fact, impossible for him to die.

He couldn’t seem to maintain an injury either. Yes, he bled and bones broke, but the skin and sinew always knitted itself back together again in a matter of days without a single scar to be seen. Trying to drown himself achieved nothing more than informing him that his lung capacity was the same as it had ever been, but now he’d trap himself in a never-ending cycle of gasping pain and unconsciousness until he ran out of river.

Poison caused him to vomit. Slitting his wrists just ruined his rug. A noose was somehow simultaneously excruciatingly painful and tedious.

(Luckily, he’d tried that one when people had still come through the forest of their own accord: otherwise, he’d have been stuck there for longer than just a week.)

Eventually, when he’d hit what he believed to be the three-hundredth year of immortality, he’d just… given up.

Palamon Keeper had lit a little fire in his little hearth in his little cabin and cooked his dinner like it was any other day and conceded: the forest was his home.

As it had been before, and now would be forever after.

And, perhaps, that would have been enough for him to bear.

But, of course, the gentry of fate always have other plans.

#tw suicide #tw suicidality #writing #writeblr #fantasy #dark fantasy

[zen-the-dumb]

Iwaizumi heacannons cause he’s hot.

(Split into sections) (I apologize, this one is kinda all over the place and there is alot of variety for what i write on this one. Its some fluff, some angst, y’know.)

Bullied!reader

(Physical bullying)

Someone is getting their shit rocked-

No, but in all seriousness, he knows something is up after a while of seeing a few different signs. These signs being purely physical. He couldnt pick up on any of the mental signs. The signs he picked up on were bruises, you being late whenever you had to go through a certain area of the school to get to somewhere, and being anxious around a certain group of people.

Probably confronts you about it after a few times of seeing the same things over and over again.

During this confrontation, he gets worked up and mad. After you tell him who is bullying you and what’s happening, he takes action to prevent it.

If you’re okay with telling a counselor or teacher:

Iwaizumi will do the talking if you want him to, if not, he’ll just accompany you to be like emotional support.

If you are afraid to tell a counselor or teacher or believe it will bring you more harm:

In this situation, Iwaizumi will devise a plan to protect your from whomever it is hurting you.

This plan will be along the lines of accompanying you wherever and at whatever time it is that these people are bullying you.

If they try to bully you while he’s there, a fight will insue.

(Mental bullying)

**Tw!: mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts**

He took note of changes in your behavior most likely. However, if you showed no big signs of being bullied, I don’t think he’d be empathetic enough to tell. If you aren't more down than normal, it probably takes a bit.

Once he realises, he is pissed (reasonably so).

He asks you why you wouldn't tell him earlier. He was concerned that you were so scared to tell him for whatever reason.

***TW!: THIS IS THE SUICIDE MENTION PART!***

If you went to the extent of attempting suicide, he stays with you while you heal from the suicide attempt before asking you who pushed you that far. When you tell him, he probably is quite tempted to go beat their ass.

If you had suicidal thoughts but didn't attempt before he got to you, he definitely was still pissed that you had even had the thought of ending your life. He wasn't mad at you for having them, but mad at whoever had tortured you so much that you had contemplated suicide.

**Suicide mention part over**

To help avoid you being tormented, he subtly starts being with you more. And if they torment you when he’s not there, he comforts you after you tell him about it.

If they torment you infront of him, he will rip into them with the insults.

Reader that stims ig? (Sorry, not sure what else to call this)

One day he notices your stimming and asks about it.

After you tell him its a type of physical comfort mechinism, he’s kinda confused for a second and you have to explain why it’s needed for you. (Whether that be sensory overload, social anxiety, overwhelming enviroment, etc.)

Once you explain this to him, he starts taking note sub-consciously of what situations you stim during.

Eventually, he probably memorizes what stims you use for certain things if you have certain stims for different situations.

Defends you if you ever get made fun of for your stimming.

Reader that is afraid of thunder

At first, whenever he sees how anxious you get when the thunderstorm starts, he thinks its kinda silly or you’re joking.

However, whenever he sees you hiding under the blankets or crying or anything like that, he immediately is all comfort.

Probably will cuddle you for comfort you if thats what you want.

Gives you his headphones and turns on music for you or something to distract you or block out the noise of the thunder.

This section is for a Trans male reader. Dysphoria comfort.

Whenever you’re feeling dysphoric, he will give you compliments on your masculine features to distract you from the not masculine features.

If you don't have a binder on at the time, he’ll give you his jacket or one of his shirts to help with dysphoria.

If it’s dysphoria over your legs or hips, he will lend you a hoodie or baggy pair of pants to help.

Will buy you food. No more context.

If anyone dares to misgender you on purpose or dead name you, there will be hell for them to pay.

*_Requests are open, check my blog or profile description for more details_*

#iwaizumi hajime #Iwaizumi #Haikyuu #haikyuu iwaizumi #bullied!reader #tw bullying #tw suicidality #iwaizumi fluff #Iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi x male reader #iwaizumi x y/n #Iwaizumi x Gn!reader #gn!reader #gn reader #trans reader #trans male reader #ftm reader #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x gender neutral reader #haikyuu x y/n

[pearlcaddy]

pearlcaddy's 2023 follower celebration ♡ favorite lockyle scene

lockwood & co. tyburn gallows scene ↳ for @sanssssastark

#lockwood & co #lockwood and co #lockwoodandcoedit #anthony lockwood #anthonylockwoodedit #lucy carlyle #lucycarlyleedit #locklyle #locklyleedit #tvedit #tw suicidality #flickering gif #pearlcaddy2023 #pearlcaddyedit #pearlcaddy l&co #500 #tied with the 1.04 bandaging scene which i already giffed #every bit of this scene. from his concern the instant they get out of the car to her laying him out to them bonding over suicidality #that dark moment of 'oh shit we share this heavy piece of ourselves and here's someone who will actually understand it' #lockwood not being shy about saying how much lucy means to them even if he can't fully articulate it. he wants her even if she's a liabilit #AND GOD HER REACTIONS TO IT. THE ONE THING SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO HEAR. AND HE JUST SAYS IT WITHOUT KNOWING #AND THEN THE HANDHOLD

[azure-firecracker]

I have the threads of an Azula theory.

Disclaimer: This is about the Last Agni Kai, which I haven’t watched in a while because it makes me cry. Also this is a theory. It’s a train of thought. I’m not proclaiming it to be absolute truth or anything.

But I was thinking about Azula shooting lightning at Katara. Now, Azula isn’t exactly making the most strategic decisions here since she’s having a…rough time, to put it mildly. But I was also thinking about what her thought process could have been (since her exterior only really goes to show that she’s…having a rough time).

Now in Azula’s eyes, she knows she’s not winning this fight. Between Zuko having improved and her being a mess, she’s clearly fighting an uphill battle. She’s going to lose and she knows it. She also probably thinks Zuko won’t kill her. Although they’ve battled before, it would take really specific and clear intent to kill on his part since they’re not like…on an airship or a gondola. They’ve been shooting big up until this point, but they’ve also kind of been toying with one another.

Then Zuko asks her where her lightning is. Something she probably hasn’t considered using, because up until this point, she didn’t think she would have to. And she sees Katara. But here’s the thing: did Azula plan to have Zuko jump in front of the lightning and fail to redirect it? You have to keep in mind that Azula hasn’t seen the majority of Zuko’s interactions with Team Avatar. She hasn’t seen him be this selfless, hell, he’s never BEEN this selfless until now. Azula also, as we’ve seen, struggles to understand real, unconditional love. She certainly wouldn’t jump in front of lightning for anyone except maybe Ozai, and that’s…not unconditional. So would she understand this? Maybe not. And Azula doesn’t know anything about lightning redirection. What makes her think that Zuko wouldn’t be able to redirect the lightning if he jumped in front of it. After all, he did redirect quite a bit of it.

So if we follow these theories (and again, they’re only theories), this leaves one possibility: Azula was actually trying to kill Katara. But why? Azula doesn’t care about Katara. We’ve never seen her delight in violence for the sake of it. Why not focus on the fight at hand? If I were her, I wouldn’t want to risk involving Katara at all. She’s struggling enough as is, and even she should know that Katara’s a powerful opponent. They were evenly matched in Crossroads of Destiny.

Let’s think about Azula’s mental state right now. Her brother and her best friends have all abandoned her. Her father’s love, the one thing she hung onto, is meaningless and she’s only realizing this now. At her lowest point, she’s been reminded of her mother: the first person to call her a monster, and that is what she believes she is. No one loves her. She has nothing left to fight for. And the one scrap of validation she has left, which is being better than Zuko, is slipping away. What’s left? Why stay around in this state?

So: what if Azula was trying to kill Katara so that she could make Zuko furious enough to kill her?

Just a thought.

#atla #atla meta #azula #atla azula #azula avatar #tw suicidality #zuko avatar #atla zuko #zuko #fire siblings #atla theory #azula meta #katara #last agni kai

[robin-the-enby]

Hi! Can I get an angst/comfort fic of Arthur with a female s/o who is depressed and suicidal? Like he walks in on his s/o c*tting while having a mental breakdown? Or he just notices the cuts/scars? Or he walks in on his s/o bl33ding out?? Idk you can get creative with it I’ve just been having an extremely rough couple months. If this makes you uncomfortable then you can just ignore this request, but thanks anyways! I hope you have a great day/night!! <3

It's my problem if I feel the need to hide

Pairing: Arthur x f!reader

Summary: You feel under the weather, but decide not to tell anyone. As your condition only worsens, your friends start to worry about you. It's when you decide to let everything go your knight with blue eyes and a cheeky smile comes to the rescue.

Warnings: depression, suicidal ideation, not being able to care for oneself (containing lack of hygiene and proper meals), mentions of vomit(ing) (3), negative self talk, dark thoughts

A/N: I am so sorry for the delay of this fic, I hope it will be of use to you still. I haven't written for this fandom in a long while, so getting back to it was a little hard, though I enjoyed it none the less. I tried not to use any (Y/N)s and make it as racially neutral as possible, as well as appearance-neutral (Arthur carries reader 1 time, but he's stronger than a regular human, and y'all deserve it ladies, no matter your size). If anyone wants to talk about anything at all, my dms are open, as well as my ask box. Take care of yourselves and stay safe!

The human mind is possibly nature's greatest invention. The complexity with which all its components interact to keep the body functioning is nothing short of phenomenal. And not only that, but it is aware of itself, encasing its own conscience inside a safe vessel, built and evolved specifically to protect it. And as time progressed, and all the basic needs of the body were cared for, there came a need to create. The body could easily be fed, but the conscience needed a different type of sustenance.

The human mind is capable of incredible things. It can set goals for itself as well as achieve them. It shaped the entire world to its liking, for better or for worse. The human mind is the reason why we live the lives we do today. It is the thing that keeps us alive and sane.

It's funny how drastically that can change.

If you'd ask any of the men residing in the mansion on who the worst enemy of humans is, you're sure all of them would at least mention the human conscience, if not directly choose it. After all, their lives have been woven through with the thread of sorrow, the perpetrator being none other than the human mind- theirs or someone else's.

At this point, you feel like you've at least got a peek at the complex inner worlds of history's greatest minds. Some you knew better than others, but you've been le Comte's servant for long enough to consider all the mansion's residents at least friends.

It was evident to anyone who has been in the mansion for at least a month that all of the people (and vampires) residing in it had some sort of baggage, wearing them down even in their second undead life. Some were better at hiding it than others, some just felt more comfortable keeping their troubles to themselves, while others' emotions and traumas were sometimes too great, too overwhelming to be kept locked inside their bodies.

You've tried your best to help those who needed it, both physically and mentally. It helped a few to open up to you at least a little and as time went on, with your hard work, you've earned respect for yourself even amongst the toughest nuts in the mansion. Poking through others' personal affairs and traumas carried along numerous fights as well as apologies and in the end just served to strengthen the bond between you and the residents. And yet, at times like these...you couldn' help but feel alone.

Like all the others, you had to shoulder the burden of traumas, insecurities and unpleasant experiences collected unwillingly throughout your life. You suspected the others knew of this, or at least had a hunch that you, like all of them, haven't had the pleasure of living a carefree life.

They saw you as an independent, strong and courageous woman, resilient and kind in any situation. And if you were in the right state of mind, you would agree. But lately, you began to doubt these traits of yours, the ones you valued so much and were valued for.

You weren't a stranger to struggling and you knew that anyone in need of help deserved to receive it and should not be scared to ask for it.

So why did the thought of asking for help make your stomach churn?

You've been pondering that question for a few days now. Lately, your entire reality seemed to have shifted. At first, you didn't think anything was wrong, a simple bad day, or a bad week wasn't anything to be too worried about. Nothing a nice, relaxing weekend couldn't fix, right? And yet, when you had tasks to complete, you felt agitated and annoyed, but when you had nothing to do, you were antsy and restless. Always feeling like something should be happening, like you should be doing something. For some reason, you couldn't make yourself to do the things you felt you should be doing.

Soon everything has become a bother. Tasks you could usually do with one hand were suddenly so hard that by the end of the day, the thought of bathing or changing into clean clothes made you want to scream until your throat was sore. And so you chipped away at your routine that you so painstainkingly built when you appeared in this time, until the only remaining activities in your days were your work and some basic necessities.

You knew it was getting bad. And it constantly created an almost numbing whirlwind of emotions you really didn't need right now. Why was this happening? What brought it on? Why now?? Is it going to get worse? All these questions and none you had an answer to. You had guesses and various techniques you learnt here and there back in your time, but...you couldn't bring yourself to do anything.

You were trapped. At least it felt like it. Trapped inside yourself, inside your mind. You knew you should tell someone, that if you let it go on, it would sooner or later consume you. But you couldn't do anything. It was as if your body didn't listen to you.

It seemed the residents were starting to get suspicious of your strange mood as of late. There were times when one of them would approach you and carefully ask about your wellbeing, and as much as you wanted to say something, you never did. You logically knew that the first step would be the one to break through the loop, the one that would make all the others just a little bit easier until you felt normal again. But anytime you tried to break through the selfdestructive habits you had fallen into, a wave of such tirednes, nausea and shame overcame you, that you simply caved to your mind's twisted whispers.

You concluded that your best option at this moment was to lay low and let it pass. Your days have become a steady routine of wake up, work, go to bed. And repeat. It was manageable, at first, even with the onslaught of thoughts your mind was conjuring, managing to come up with more and more ways to taunt you with. But as days and then weeks passed, your energy slowly seeped away from your body and it retaliated by shutting off and out anything unnecessary to save as much of what was remaining.

These things included mostly socialising. You became less talkative, while you would usually enthusiastically engage in conversations, if not outright start them, lately you would not speak unles directly spoken to. It has taken a toll on your concentration as well. Many times when someone would try to strike up a conversation with you, they'd have to repeat their question or even call out your name mid-conversation, because mentally you just weren't there. These things not only started to worry Sebastian, your biggest constant in your new life, given that you worked alongside him every day, but also the other residents. You knew of this, as out of it as you might have seemed and/or have been these past few weeks, you knew that they noticed, because you knew them. But what started as a simple snowball had alrady turned into an avalanche and you had to admit that you were no longer in control.

Not that you really cared. You knew you should care, should be trying harder than ever to break out of this spell, but you couldn't. And every time you might have felt strong enough to confess how you were feeling, to lean on someone, to get the help you knew you needed, a sudden pang of fear pierced your chest and you shrivelled back, back into your own small shell that was your skull.

Trying to find a reason for this foolish anxiety proved not so easy, when your mind would make up about five reasons why you should keep your mouth shut every time you even dared to ask yourself such a question.

What if they didn't believe you?

What if it wasn't not that bad?

What if you were just making it up? Making it seem bigger than it is?

These people have gone through so much. They've seen war, witnessed and felt abuse and probably had been through things you couldn't even imagine. Why should they help you, when they're the ones who needed help?

You were not worthy.

Such comparisons were something you chastised anyone who would confess experiencing them for. And yet, when it came to you, it felt like a holy truth. Something that could not and should not be questioned. Because you don't want to be selfish, do you?

You've dealt with this by yourself before, surely you could do it again and not drag down others with you. These and many others became your daily mantras. Lay low, hide, be small, don't make a noise. Survive. But was that really how you wanted to live? If you could even call that a living. You were surviving, yes, but at what cost? For a promise of a period of time where you wouldn't feel like the world is made out of cardboard? A period of time where you wouldn't feel like screaming and crying every second of every day? And how long would that last? A few months, a year maybe? Was it really worth the struggle?

You blinked yourself out of your thoughts when someone vigorously snapped in front of your eyes. Looking around in slight daze, your eyes fall upon a smiling face. "There you are! Theo says he's just waiting for you to walk face first into a wall!" Arthur says cheerily, showing you his signature smirk. "I, like the good friend I am, keep defending you of course. But it's hard when your mind seems to get further and further away from us every day. At this rate, you'll wander off into Seine soon. And we wouldn't want that, would we?" he playfully jabbed at you.

You could feel yourself shaking your head, but the only thing you could focus on was how nice it acually seemed, the cold water seeping through clothes and circling your limbs, the undercurrents keeping you down, where nothing could get you, laying you down onto the riverbed, weighed by the water in your lungs... "So, what's going on in that noggin of yours, hm?"

Arthur was, besides Sebastian, the closest person to you out of all the others. You enjoyed his easygoing demeanor and his jokes never failed to make you laugh. He was a terrible flirt though, and someties could be pretty pushy with his advances as you've realised over the time you two spent together. Luckilly, after a firm conversation backed up by Theo, he had calmed down significantly towards you. The writer still heavily complimented you, always putting that silver tongue of his to use, but you thought nothing of it. He was like that with everyone, even some of the other residents, so the possibility of it ever meaning anything more than banter or a simple compliment never even crossed your mind.

"You're doing it again." the man in question sighed. You blinked at him with confusion. As if reading your thoughts, Arthur clarified "You're in your head again. It must be something really interesting in there to make you so distracted." he joked again, but his expression turned serious "But honestly, what's going on? You haven't been yourself for quite a while now and everyone's getting worried. Even Wolf asked me if I knew what was up with you the other day!" the writer looked at you intently "You know that we're here for you, right? Even if you feel like it's stupid, if you need anything, you can tell us."

You averted your eyes from Arthur' piercing gaze. You knew his words were sincere and it made your chest squeeze uncomfortably. Looking straight ahead, in the direction which you were going, you answered, trying to make your voice as leveled as you could "Thank you for worrying Arthur, but I'm alright, really. I've been thinking of asking le Comte for a break. It would be nice to have some off time." This wasn't a complete lie, since having some down time, where you could pretend time has stopped really did sound appealing, but now you'd have to actually go and ask the good count, which you really didn't want to. Not because you were worried you wouldn't be given a break, but because it was another plan to be made and you barely had enough energy to last you until the end of the day, much less go somewhere out of your own volition.

Arthur knew that you were lying, or at least not telling him everything, so he grinned at you again and spoke confidently "Alright, love, the game is on! I gave you a chance to explain youself, but it seems I'll have to solve this mystery myself." he winked at you and you expected him to take his leave. But Arthur softly grabbed your arm and stopped you in the middle of the halway you were in. Turning to face him in his hold you looked at him questioningly. His smile is much softer now, and if you could focus properly, you would see worry glinting in his eyes "If you ever change your mind, you can stop by. Day, night, doen't matter. We're here for you, love. I'm here for you. Just as much as you're here for us." and as soon as he finished speakig, he was gone. Down the hallway, in the direction of his room. You quietly turned around, trying to process the strange encounter while you went your way.

Your mind was surprisingly quiet for a few hours after that.

You eventually did end up in le Comte's study. Nerves were wracking your body and mind the entire day and when you finally did enter the dreaded room, after all your chores were done for the day, you felt like you would start crying at any moment. For some reason, you felt awful for doing this. You didn't need the break. You didn't need off time to get better physically or because you had too many chores. Why did you want a break, besides Arthur catching on that there was, indeed, something wrong? The only thing you had planned for this break of yours was rotting away in your bed and doing as little as humanely possible. Maybe fate would be so kind and take you away in your sleep. Let you wither away like an overwatered flower.

You tried to make the discussion as quick as possible. Fortunately, the count didn't ask too many questions about your wellbeing and the reason for taking a break, remembering well that you haven't had one in a good while. He did ask if you consulted Sebas about it and you forced down a shudder at the mention of your good friend's name. Not because the butler was opposed to you taking a break, he actually kindly insisted you take one, revealing that he also noticed your mental absence in the past weeks, which could be almost counted as a month now. The worry and confusion in his tone as well as his expression made you wish he told you to stay, to help him, anything to try and convince you to not do what you were about to.

Why were you so worried? There wasn't a reason you should feel bad about taking a break. Even if you physically were just as spry as a grasshopper, taking a break for the sake of mental health was just as important. But deep down, you coudn't lie to yourself. Deep down you knew you were going to give up completely. Either for someone to find you, or to be left to rot. And right now, you hoped for the latter, even if it was still scary to admit.

After Comte gave you a week off, asking if it was enough time for you, which you hastily confirmed, feeling bile rise up your throat and wishing for the comfines of your room, your shaky legs and hazy mind managed to carry you to your room. After spending some time emptying the contents of your stomach, which were absolutely too small you would bet, you nothing but collapsed onto your bed. Mouth unrinsed, hair oily and ruffled, it had finally dawned on you how much of a mess you must have loked like. This realisation finally seemed to open the dam that was holding back everything you were feeling. The disgust, the shame, the fear, the anxiety the heavines, the loneliness, but most importnatly the longing.

Fast, salty tears carried all of that out of your body, leaving your face a puffy, sticky mess. Suddenly, you felt rage boil inside of your chest, sprading quickly to your head. Why didn't you say anything? You were so worried and because of what? Your own mind? Could you be any more stupid? The very same mind that put you through absolute hell this past month was now angry at itself, at its own actions. Why did the world have to be this cruel? Why couldn't it grant you the simple request of a mind that would not try to sabotage itself? And now it was too late.

Yo chose this, you thought to yourself. You chose this and these were the consequences of your actions. As if the tears have released all your pent up frustration in your body, all that it left was numbness. A kind of numbness that made your eyelids heavy, making them gravitate towards each other and pulling you into a deep, calm slumber. The kind of slumber you have not been able to achieve for more than the month you've been actively suffering. But also the kind of slumber that would not bring you closer to salvation.

You woke up, not knowing the time and not really finding yourself caring either. You felt strangely...calm. There was no hunger, no thirst, nothing. Only suffocating quiet, the likes of which you would feel in the deep blue of the ocean. You laid stil for what felt like hours, but could have also been minutes, before you succumbed to unconsciousness again.

This has gone on for a few days of your week long break. At one point you felt the pang of hunger, yet you had no will to satiate it. You only rose from your bed late into the night, when the squeezing walls of your stomach, at this point surely eating itself, threatened to spill nothing but its own acid. You tiptoed as quietly as your stiff muscles could into the kitchen, and after munching on some bread and water, because even though you got up, you still didn't feel like cooking, or that you deserved anything more than the simplest of dishes, you quietly stalked the halls back into your room. You fell asleep again, your stomach satisfied, or maybe convinced into satisfaction by your mind, the last thing you heard was the faint sound of Mozart's piano in the dead of the night.

This cycle had repeated for another few days. Your days were interrupted by quiet knocking that would wake you from your slow decline, and sometimes joined by murmurs behind the door. You couldn't find it in you to care. The door wasn't locked. At one point, you could swear you saw a shadow in your window, but it was gone too soon for your slowed mind to focus on it.

One morning, somewhere at the end of your break, not that you were keeping track of time, your door opened. A gust of fresh air was the first thing that barged its way into your room, chasing out the old and musty, albeit warm air from it. You shivered and wiggled deeper under your covers, grumbling hoarsely in protest. Your half asleep mind registered someone slowly walking into your room, as if they were scared to find out what was in it. You kept your eyes closed.

Arthur knelt down beside your bed, looking at your sickly, worn out face. Carefully sneaking his arm under your blanket, his hand searched for yours until it could take it into its own. Caressing your knuckles with his thumb, he cooed softly "Oh, love. I am so sorry. I am so sorry we let this get so far." You didn't respond. What was there to say? "It isn't your fault" you croaked out quietly, not having enough energy to say it loudly and fearing your voice wouldn't work.

"Why did you hide from us? We would've helped..." the writer almost whined, and you could feel the guilt and worry radiating from him. You wanted so desperately to answer, to give him a good reason for how foolish you were acting, but you couldn't. There was nothing that would excuse you. Nothing.

Seeing your slightly open eyes well up with tears, Arthur rushed closer to comfort you. Shushing and soothing you like a small child after a booster shot, he held you close and you tried not to weep hader. "It's alright, love, everything is alright. I've got you. I've got you now, it's good. You're alright."

After you calmed down slightly, you wanted nothing more than to shoo him away, close yourself off again an bury yourself into your bed to get away from the immense shame you felt. But Arthur seemed to be having none of that. He softly but insistently reached under you and helped you sit up with one arm, holding your hand with the other still. you couldn't bring yourslf to look him in the eye and yet his tone never changed from the soft lull he comforted you with. "Come on now, darling. Let's get you cleaned up."

Your mind wanted desperately to push back at him, scream and yell and fight, but you almost limply let him straighten you up and help you walk over to the bathroom. The writer's heart nearly broke in two as he saw you in the same clothes you were in when he last spoke to you. The image of you suffering in silence for so long made him nearly tear up as well, but he held himself back, focusing on you being his biggest priority.

He ran a bath for you, helped you out of your clothes, his gaze never cascading from your face, looking for any signs of overstepping any boundaries and when he found none, he helped you into the bathtub, first washing your hair and then your body, asking if you could and wanted to handle your private parts yourself. You whispered out a small yes, feeling somewhat ashamed still and wanting to make his efforts a bit easier. Letting you soak in the blissfully warm water, a question appeared in your mind "Arthur..." you called out quietly "Were you the one knocking at my door?" you asked timidly, not knowing fully if it wasn't some kind of delirium your mind put you through. The writer's face became solemn as you took a peek at his face and he spoke, his words and tone equally heavy "Everyone did. We were worried about you. After we heard about your break, we thought it might do you well. Everyone noticed that you weren't quite yourself. But after the first few days, when no one ever saw you leave the mansion, let alone your room, our worries doubled. Wolf said he noticed you walking to the kitchen at night, but Sebas only noticed small portions of bread disappearing from the kitchen, so we wanted to check up on you. We tried knocking at your door, not wanting to disturb you if you really were physically ill, but that didn't do anything." "And the window?" you interrupted him, casting your eyes downward again at the rude gesture. But Arthur continued, with no offense taken "That was Dazai. He was checking up on you a lot. In his own way." Arthur smiled sadly "Today, I had enough. Something was telling me you needed help. And I'm glad I listened to my instinct." he smiled at you and you felt your dry lips lift up ever so slightly. You were found when you needed it the most, it seemed.

After Arthur dried you off and helped you put on fresh clothes, he told you Sebas made a nutritious meal for you that wouldn't upset your stomach. He also suggested it would do you good to get out of your room for at least a little while and eat it in the kitchen. Seeing the panic in your eyes, he rushed to assure you "You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to." And so you nodded.

The mansion seemed awfully quiet. There was no one in the halls, no sounds from either corner of the building. On your slow trek to the kitchen, you passed Mozart. The musician didn't say anything, but his lips melted from their usual stern frown to a warm smile and you couldn't help but to start crying again. Athur sat down with you on the cold ground of the hallway, pulling you onto his lap and rocking you back and forth until you felt good enough to walk again. Mozart was nowhere in sight.

You found out that Sebas made you a delicious soup, one with enough vegetables and some meat, the broth strong enough to get you up on your feet in no time. You ate slowly and savoured every spoonful. You suddenly realised how much you've missed eating good food. After your meal was done and Arthur washed your bowl and spoon in silence, he slowly sat down next to you. "How are you feeling?" he asked carefully, knowing that you were nowhere near out of the deep end yet, but desperately hoping his efforts weren't for naught. "Better. Fuller." you answered simply. After another beat of comfortable silence, where you soaked up the sun pouring in through the windows, the writer asked again "Would you like to go back to your room?" You pursed your lips. Suddenly, the idea of your bed and the stuffy room you hid yourself away in sounded horrible. But he comfortable, fluffy clothes and full stomach were pullig at your eyelids again, sleep threatening to take over. "My room it is, then?"

Arthur piped up and you nodded. Before you knew it, you were scooped up bridal style by the vampire, feeling his soft lips on your hairline "Rest, love. I've got you." Soon, you were in a room that smelled of coffe and cologne with a hint of ink. Once again, you wriggled under the covers, these ones feeling much fresher than yours, as you succumbed to sleep once again. But this time, you weren't alone.

#requested #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp arthur x reader #ikevamp arthur x you #x reader #tw depression #tw suicidality #fem!reader #hurt/comfort #tw emetophobia

[folsaeure]

tfw you are both doomed by the system that's supposed to educate you

#animal room 1995 #arnie mosk #doug van housen #hanasartstuff #arnold mosk #douglas van housen #movie tag #matthew lillard #cause i need more people aware of this role of his #tw suicidality