#tw: jeffrey bezos | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

redroseincorporated · 6 months

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IM MAKING A CALL-OUT POST ON MY TUMBLR DOT COM

KIRBY HAS NO RIGHT TO BE SO FUCKING SAD

HERES WHY

tw sad shit and cursing and gore (in my kirby post lmao)

n also long

n also kirby spoilers

THE FIRST KIRBY GAME

The first Kirby game was just - yk what Kirby's known for: food and shit

Recover the stolen food stolen by a big ass penguin king and save the world, quote 'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!'

KIRBY'S DREAMLAND (i think)

FIGHT UH

FIGHT UHHH

GIANT ASS EYE NAMED Z E R O WITH BLOOD, LIKE ACTUAL BLOOD

harmless enough right???

YES THIS IS FROM A KIRBY GAME

BUT THE LORE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS CREATURE ARE WILD

KIRBY AND THE CRYSTAL SHARDS

"oh no the fairy planet was taken over by EYE PEOPLE. lets assemble the crystal shards to go beat the shit out of them

harmless enough right???

WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THAT THING???

THAT IS A KIRBY CREATURE!??!

KIRBYS RETURN TO DREAMLAND (THE LORE FROM DELUXE)

started the 'EXTREMELY FUCKED UP' trend (AS IF IT HADN'T STARTED ALREADY'

LETS MEET A LITTLE CAT EGG MAN NAMED MAGOLOR

THEY GET SHOT DOWN BY A FUCKIN FOUR* HEADED DRAGON (their name is landia :)

he's a little guy! so cute! so adorable!

so he's like

'i crashed here lmao can you help me rebuild my ship ill take you to my house if you do so'

kirby being the nice guy is like 'aight bet' and reassembles his ship

magolors like 'aight awesome' and takes them to his home planet right

kills the dragon

magolors like 'ah shit can you kill that dragon for me plz plz'

kirbys like 'aight bet'

magolors like 'aight sweet imma take this crown the dragon had and TURN INTO SATAN'

once magolor is FUCKING DEAD the SATAN CROWN POSESSES HIM?? AND TURNS INTO?? GUESS WHAT??

BRUV TURNS INTO SATAN (not an eye person today!)

kirbys like 'aight bet' and beats the sHIT OUT OF HIM

LIKE I MEAN THE EVERLOVING SHIT

A FUCKING EYE PERSON?? GAH DAMMIT!

(kirby beats the shit out of him)

NOW HERE'S WHERE THE EDGY ASS SAD ASS SHIT STARTS

IN THE BEGINNING TO MAGOLOR SOUL'S THEME (true arena) YOU CAN HEAR HIM FUCKING C R Y I N G ? EXCUSE ME? WHAT? THE WHAT? MY LITTLE EGG CAT? POSESSED BY SATAN?? NAWW

the end of return to dreamland

keep in mind his daughter never really died - but she came back kinda late so he didnt recognize heeeeerrrrr - so he kept building the thing

KIRBY PLANET ROBOBOT

(i haven't played this one bear with me)

JEFF BEZOS' DAUGHTER DIES AND HE DECIDES TO BUILD A THING TO BRING HER BACK

the thing was called star dream aka a wishing planet

yk cool the new amazon product is a wishing planet

GUESS WHO GETS POSESSED

JEFFREY

JEFFREY BEZOS

(his name is president haltmann btw)

this game has a shortage of evil eye people :(

anyway kirby beats the shit out of the planet robot screw thing star fox style

but then

it turns into the legit planet

this is a nova

it is a wishing planet

it is a cat

meowzers!

(ANYWAY AT THIS POINT HALTMANN IS FUCKING D E A D)

kirby kills the nova and we all go home yay goodness gracious this is the nicest game on this list

KIRBY TRIPLE DELUXE

once upon a time, a spider, the end

this is taranza he was my androgynous awakening

hes kidnapped the fucking penguin king god dammit

okay so you go to the sky kingdom and get some fairies to help you fight taranza (he has posessed the king, masked dedede remix go!!)

once you DEFEAT taranza and posessed for the 600th time pemguin, his WIFE SHOWS UP!! HIS WIFE!! HE GETS BITCHES!!

she looks kinda funky tbh

THERE IS A REASON WHY

ONCE UPON A YONDER TARANZA BOUGHT HER A BIRTHDAY GIFT

THIS THING WAS THE AMAZING MIRROR

AKA A MIRROR INTO A PARALLEL UNIVERSE

HE GOT IT FOR HER UNKNOWINGLY AND THOUGHT 'she likes mirros :) she will like it :)'

tHE MIRROR GAVE HER BODY DYSMORPHIA AND SHE TURNED. INTO. A. FUCKING. BEE.

queen body dysmorphia sectonia goes 'i NEED cocaina to become da prettiest girl in da werl'

taranza goes 'honey sweety you are da prettiest girl in da werl you don't need cocaina'

she slaps him and FUSES WITH A GIANT ASS FLOWER

what cocaina does to a girl

KIRBY, IS LIKE 'IM FUCKING DONE WITH YOUR SHIT'

EATS A LAZER

SHOOTS HER WITH A LAZER

SHE, I SWEAR TO GOD, DIES. SHE FUCKING DIES. SHE IS DEAD.

TARANZAS LIKE

^ did not happen

'MY WIFE IS DEAD, WHAT DO I DO?!'

'poyo'

'im gonna find you im gonna fucking find you'

instead taranza went through the denial stage of grief first

in THE NEXT GAME, HE IS SEEN HOLDING THE FLOWER SECTONIA TURNED INTO (the same species) AND FUCKIN CRYING TOO??? WHATS UP WITH THIS??? HUH??? PLEASE??? LEAVE MY LITTLE EGG MEN OUT OF THE DEPRESSION???

NOW FOR

KIRBY STAR ALLIES

THE FUCKING END

copy-pasted from my school notebook

This game, specifically, is the prime example of 'not being what it seems.'

Kirby Star Allies' plot is simple: Unkindness is spreading through the kingdom! Defeat it with the power of love! Befriend your enemies and safe the world!

Sounds pretty lighthearted, right?

Do you want the real plot?

Kirby Star Allies starts out, immediately, with a giant purple [Jamba] heart breaking and spreading smaller Jamba hearts across the world. Whoever gets close to the hearts turns evil. Pretty simple.

But it gets worse.

Kirby traverses through his home terrain, and saves his king (After said king turned buff for some reason?). After this, he notices: A giant spaceship has landed on his planet! So he goes to traverse across the planet to get to the spaceship. Pretty simple.

But it gets worse.

Turns out the spaceship is ran by three girls based upon three elements [Ice, Flame, Spark]. They said that the Jamba Heart, and the 'dark lord' would reign. Pretty simple.

But it gets worse.

So, Kirby tries to reason with them, but the maniacal dimwit of the Spark Lady destroyed the entire thing [Called a Jambastion]. So, Kirby goes to space to chase after her and her sisters. Pretty simple.

It can't get worse.

He finds a LARGER Jambastion, with a LARGER Jamba Heart, and traverses across OTHER PLANETS to find out what's going on. He gets to the Jambastion, and finds a mini cult ran by a dude named Hyness and the girls from earlier.

There's a piece of lore not included in the game, that the girls died due to their respective elements (Frostbite, burns, lightning) and Hyness saved them. First off? There are no humans in Kirby's world. How far away do they live? And Hyness is abusive now?

Hyness claims the same stuff about the Jamba Heart, only way more in depth, in the biggest chunk of tangible lore inside of a Kirby game. In five seconds.

He goes mad, and throws his adoptive daughters, and himself, into the Jamba Heart.

THIS. GOD DANG. JAMBA HEART. TURNS INTO SOME DARK-SOULS DND MONSTER THING. I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN IT.

It's name? Void Termina. Not ominous at all! Not ominous in my silly, friendship-based, save-the-world Kirby game!

Kirby fights this thing, on a scooter I might add, and it goes down the FIRST time. The boss has 4 phases: Dark souls, 2D boss, dark souls, 2D boss.

He GOES INTO IT'S THROAT, and with the help of his friends, PULLS IT'S HEART IN TWO.

(I'm confident he could do this on his own if he had arms)

Lovecraftian horror much?! In my silly, friendship-based, save-the-world Kirby game?!

So now the giant dark souls thing is a bird?? It grew wings?? Okay, no big deal, that's the most NORMAL THING HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. It uses giant lasers and swords and axes to defeat Kirby, as if they have beef that goes back to 1987 in the bar next to work.

Turns out, they do?

Once you defeat the giant bird of death and things, you go back into it's throat to take out it's heart a second time, because Kirby has no mercy. That heart? Turns into something. I swear to all things holy.

It turns into a Kirby.

This THING. ACCORDING TO THE LORE, IT IS INDEED ANOTHER KIRBY. BORN OF DARKNESS AND EVIL?? AND IT'S A GOD OF CHAOS??

IS KIRBY A GOD OF CHAOS??

This boss battle is fine in the normal game, it's very Basic-Kirby-Game-Esque. But the True Arena.

THE TRUE ARENA IS NOTORIOUS. I HATE IT. WE HATE IT.

The True Arena shows the real, canon if you would, version of bosses. Thus the name.

This second Kirby. Void Termina, now just called Void.

It has the best boss theme

It plays Green Greens.

(end of copy paste)

BUT THE WORST PART??

REFER TO THE MANUAL OF THE FIRST KIRBY GAME.

'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!'

VOID TERMINA SOUL'S FINAL MOVEMENT IS CALLED 'SPARKLING STAR.' I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

AND ALSO??? THOSE EYE CREATURES??

YEAH VOID TERMINA SOUL CAN TURN INTO ONE OF THOSE TOO

DOES THIS MEAN EVERY OTHER EYE CREATURE HAS JUST BEEN

ANOTHER KIRBY?

ANOTHER. FUCKING. KIRBY?

I - I CAN'T. I CAN'T HERE. WHAT. AND WHY.

THIS IS KIRBY GOD DAMN IT, 'I'll get your food back, and your sparkling stars too!,' NOT LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR SIMULATOR

im done here im done here

heres your fucking potato

and have a call out post my friend made up when i told him i was writing this

IVE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT, KING DEDEDE IS A BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKER. HE STOLE MY FUCKING CAKE. THATS RIGHT, ON MY ÷×+€+×÷£TH BIRTHDAY HE WAS INVITED OVER TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY. AND THE CAKE WAS this big AND HE SAID THATS PATHETIC AND PROCEEDED TO PULL OUT A LARGE ASS SPOON TO EAT IT ALL. SO NOW IM HERE ON TUMBLR DOT COM TO MAKE A CALLOUT POST ABOUT IT. KING DEDEDE, YOU FUCKING SUCK.

rant over

ALSO THERES MORE GAMES I DIDNT COVER

#kirby #kirby lore #lovecraftian #horror #nintendo #nintendo switch #kirby series #void termina #magolor #taranza #queen sectonia #kirby sectonia

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