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#tw: suicial thoughts
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Life feels really fucking overwhelming lately
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love-me-satoru · 2 months
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tw:drug abuse,self-destruction,relapsing.
i was doing so well over a year clean. i’m a fucking mess. my nose burns. now i feel like i need it. I know i don’t need it but my body is literally telling me otherwise and i just want to die. i really know that nobody here knows the real me. and i always seem so happy while i do this shit but deep fucking down i hate everything ive done. it’s supposed to just be a party drug. it’s supposed to make you feel good. But what happens after? What if you use too much? You feel your chest compress into itself. it gets so fucking tight everything hurts. But why? Why is it fun to do? it gives you a high that makes you feel great? But the comedown? it literally makes you want to kill youself. i still feel the burn. it’s 7 in the morning now. i’ve been doing this shit since 1 am. it already feels like i’ve been up for days. I’m just a fucking mess. Please end it.
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I cut myself two weeks ago. I still don't know why. I was drunk and apparently more sad than I thought. I picked some up and thought "oh that's sharp!" Then the next thing I know I'm bleeding. It's worse than it's ever been. That scared me. Cutting has always been about control for me, and that was the least in control of my actions I've been in a *long* time.
Now it fucking itches but it's been two and a half weeks since I hurt myself, even a little bit. I've thought about it. I've thought about it more times than I can count.
Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?
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selkiewife · 2 years
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TYRION APPRECIATION MONTH
Prompt: A Dance with Dragons
Favorite Quotes from Tyrion’s POV
He had been thinking of those guardsmen during his flight, trying to recall how many there had been. You would think he might remember that, but no. A dozen? A score? A hundred? He could not say. They had all been grown men, tall and strong … though all men were tall to a dwarf of thirteen years. Tysha knew their number. Each of them had given her a silver stag, so she would only need to count the coins. A silver for each and a gold for me. His father had insisted that he pay her too. A Lannister always pays his debts.
She loved me. She was a crofter’s daughter, she loved me and she wed me, she put her trust in me.
The dwarf studied the dish before him. The smell of garlic and butter had his mouth watering. Some part of him wanted those mushrooms, even knowing what they were. He was not brave enough to take cold steel to his own belly, but a bite of mushroom would not be so hard. That frightened him more than he could say. 
“I have no wish to die, I promise you. I have …” His voice trailed off into uncertainty. What do I have? A life to live? Work to do? Children to raise, lands to rule, a woman to love?
Stronger than Tommen, gentler than Stannis, with a better claim than the girl Myrcella. A savior come from across the sea to bind up the wounds of bleeding Westeros.” (Illyrio to Tyrion)
“Viserys was Mad Aerys’s son, just so. Daenerys … Daenerys is quite different.” (Illyrio to Tyrion)
When he was still a lonely child in the depths of Casterly Rock, he oft rode dragons through the nights, pretending he was some lost Targaryen princeling, or a Valyrian dragonlord soaring high o’er fields and mountains. Once, when his uncles asked him what gift he wanted for his nameday, he begged them for a dragon. “It wouldn’t need to be a big one. It could be little, like I am.” His uncle Gerion thought that was the funniest thing he had ever heard, but his uncle Tygett said, “The last dragon died a century ago, lad.” That had seemed so monstrously unfair that the boy had cried himself to sleep that night.
Tyrion listened to Illyrio’s snores, the creak of the leather straps, the slow clop clop of the team’s ironshod hooves on the hard Valyrian road, but his heart was listening for the beat of leathern wings.
Are you down in some hell, Father? A nice cold hell where you can look up and see me help restore Mad Aerys’s daughter to the Iron Throne?
In the dream he had two heads, both noseless. His father led the enemy, so he slew him once again. Then he killed his brother, Jaime, hacking at his face until it was a red ruin, laughing every time he struck a blow. Only when the fight was finished did he realize that his second head was weeping.
I am traveling through years as well as leagues, Tyrion reflected, back through history to the days when dragons ruled the earth.
Tyrion closed his eyes to bring her face to mind, but instead he saw his father, squatting on a privy with his bedrobe hiked up about his waist. “Wherever whores go,” Lord Tywin said, and the crossbow thrummed. The dwarf rolled over, pressing half a nose deep into the silken pillows. Sleep opened beneath him like a well, and he threw himself into it with a will and let the darkness eat him up.
“I understand hate well enough.” From the way Griff said the word, Tyrion knew that much was true. He has supped on hate himself, this one. It has warmed him in the night for years.
As the nightingales fell silent, the river larks took up their song. Egrets splashed amongst the reeds and left their tracks across the sandbars. The clouds in the sky were aglow: pink and purple, maroon and gold, pearl and saffron. One looked like a dragon. Once a man has seen a dragon in flight, let him stay at home and tend his garden in content, someone had written once, for this wide world has no greater wonder. Tyrion scratched at his scar and tried to recall the author’s name. Dragons had been much in his thoughts of late.
Laughing, the septa walked to the prow of the boat. It was her custom to bathe in the river every morning. “Plainly, this boat was not named for you,” Tyrion called as she disrobed. “The Mother and the Father made us in their image, Hugor. We should glory in our bodies, for they are the work of gods.”
His uncle had taught him a bit of tumbling when he was six or seven. Tyrion had taken to it eagerly. For half a year he cartwheeled his merry way about Casterly Rock, bringing smiles to the faces of septons, squires, and servants alike. Even Cersei laughed to see him once or twice. All that ended abruptly the day his father returned from a sojourn in King’s Landing. That night at supper Tyrion surprised his sire by walking the length of the high table on his hands. Lord Tywin was not pleased. “The gods made you a dwarf. Must you be a fool as well? You were born a lion, not a monkey.” And you’re a corpse, Father, so I’ll caper as I please.
Griff had even insisted that Tyrion help with the cutting and sewing. No doubt he meant for it to be humbling, but Tyrion enjoyed the needlework. Lemore was always pleasant company, despite her penchant for scolding him whenever he said something rude about the gods. If Griff wants to cast me as the fool, I’ll play the game. Somewhere, he knew, Lord Tywin Lannister was horrified, and that took the sting from it.
Tyrion took a mordant pleasure in inventing the details of the colorful life of Hugor Hill, also known as Yollo, a bastard out of Lannisport. The best lies are seasoned with a bit of truth. The dwarf knew he sounded like a westerman, and a highborn westerman at that, so Hugor must needs be some lordling’s by-blow. Born in Lannisport because he knew that city better than Oldtown or King’s Landing, and cities were where most dwarfs ended up, even those whelped by Goodwife Bumpkin in the turnip patch. The countryside had no grotesqueries or mummer shows … though it did have wells aplenty, to swallow up unwanted kittens, three-headed calves, and babes like him.
Not mine. I carry mine own sorrows with me, everywhere I go. He thought of Tysha and wondered where whores go. Why not Volantis? Perhaps I’ll find her there. A man should cling to hope. He wondered what he would say to her. I am sorry that I let them rape you, love. I thought you were a whore. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? I want to go back to our cottage, to the way it was when we were man and wife.
The ruin was sad enough, but knowing what it had been made it even sadder. There was laughter here once, Tyrion thought. There were gardens bright with flowers and fountains sparkling golden in the sun. These steps once rang to the sound of lovers’ footsteps, and beneath that broken dome marriages beyond count were sealed with a kiss. His thoughts turned to Tysha, who had so briefly been his lady wife. It was Jaime, he thought, despairing. He was my own blood, my big strong brother. When I was small he brought me toys, barrel hoops and blocks and a carved wooden lion. He gave me my first pony and taught me how to ride him. When he said that he had bought you for me, I never doubted him. Why would I? He was Jaime, and you were just some girl who’d played a part. I had feared it from the start, from the moment you first smiled at me and let me touch your hand. My own father could not love me. Why would you if not for gold?
“Wherever whores go,” he said. And where is that? Tyrion wanted to ask him. Where did Tysha go, Father?
“If it please Your Grace to call me Yollo or Hugor, so be it, but know that I was born Tyrion of House Lannister, trueborn son of Tywin and Joanna, both of whom I slew. Men will tell you that I am a kingslayer, a kinslayer, and a liar, and all of that is true … but then, we are a company of liars, are we not?”
“Stand aside!” someone shouted, far away, and another voice said, “The prince! Protect the boy!” The stone man staggered forward, his hands outstretched and grasping. Tyrion drove a shoulder into him. It felt like slamming into a castle wall, but this castle stood upon a shattered leg. The stone man went over backwards, grabbing hold of Tyrion as he fell. They hit the river with a towering splash, and Mother Rhoyne swallowed up the two of them. The sudden cold hit Tyrion like a hammer. As he sank he felt a stone hand fumbling at his face. Another closed around his arm, dragging him down into darkness. Blind, his nose full of river, choking, sinking, he kicked and twisted and fought to pry the clutching fingers off his arm, but the stone fingers were unyielding. Air bubbled from his lips. The world was black and growing blacker. He could not breathe. There are worse ways to die than drowning. And if truth be told, he had perished long ago, back in King’s Landing. It was only his revenant who remained, the small vengeful ghost who throttled Shae and put a crossbow bolt through the great Lord Tywin’s bowels. No man would mourn the thing that he’d become. I’ll haunt the Seven Kingdoms, he thought, sinking deeper. They would not love me living, so let them dread me dead. When he opened his mouth to curse them all, black water filled his lungs, and the dark closed in around him.
“Griff brought me up?” He must hate me, or he would have let me die.
“I know that she spent her childhood in exile, impoverished, living on dreams and schemes, running from one city to the next, always fearful, never safe, friendless but for a brother who was by all accounts half-mad … a brother who sold her maidenhood to the Dothraki for the promise of an army. I know that somewhere out upon the grass her dragons hatched, and so did she. I know she is proud. How not? What else was left her but pride? I know she is strong. How not? The Dothraki despise weakness. If Daenerys had been weak, she would have perished with Viserys. I know she is fierce. Astapor, Yunkai, and Meereen are proof enough of that. She has crossed the grasslands and the red waste, survived assassins and conspiracies and fell sorceries, grieved for a brother and a husband and a son, trod the cities of the slavers to dust beneath her dainty sandaled feet.
“Trust no one, my prince. Not your chainless maester, not your false father, not the gallant Duck nor the lovely Lemore nor these other fine friends who grew you from a bean. Above all, trust not the cheesemonger, nor the Spider, nor this little dragon queen you mean to marry. All that mistrust will sour your stomach and keep you awake by night, ’tis true, but better that than the long sleep that does not end.”
“Westeros is torn and bleeding, and I do not doubt that even now my sweet sister is binding up the wounds … with salt. Cersei is as gentle as King Maegor, as selfless as Aegon the Unworthy, as wise as Mad Aerys. She never forgets a slight, real or imagined. She takes caution for cowardice and dissent for defiance. And she is greedy. Greedy for power, for honor, for love.
“You are the last of her line, and this Mother of Dragons, this Breaker of Chains, is above all a rescuer. The girl who drowned the slaver cities in blood rather than leave strangers to their chains can scarcely abandon her own brother’s son in his hour of peril.”
“I lied. Trust no one. And keep your dragon close.”
The slave soldiers of Volantis were fiercely proud of their tiger stripes, Tyrion knew. Do they yearn for freedom? he wondered. What would they do if this child queen bestowed it on them? What are they, if not tigers? What am I, if not a lion?
“...but the girl’s true sin cannot be denied. This arrogant child has taken it upon herself to smash the slave trade, but that traffic was never confined to Slaver’s Bay. It was part of the sea of trade that spanned the world, and the dragon queen has clouded the water. Behind the Black Wall, lords of ancient blood sleep poorly, listening as their kitchen slaves sharpen their long knives. Slaves grow our food, clean our streets, teach our young. They guard our walls, row our galleys, fight our battles. And now when they look east, they see this young queen shining from afar, this breaker of chains. The Old Blood cannot suffer that. Poor men hate her too. Even the vilest beggar stands higher than a slave. This dragon queen would rob him of that consolation.”
He rolled off feeling more ashamed than sated. This was a mistake. What a wretched creature I've become... Her back was crisscrossed by ridges of scar tissue. This girl is as good as dead. I have just fucked a corpse. Even her eyes looked dead. She does not even have the strength to loathe me.
“The gods are blind. And men see only what they wish.”
Some allies are more dangerous than enemies.
The dwarf did not need to be a prophet himself to foresee how Benerro and his followers might react to a second Targaryen. Griff will see that too, surely, he thought, surprised to find how much he cared.
He wondered how much his father had hurt when the quarrel punched through his groin, what Shae had felt as he twisted the chain around her lying throat, what Tysha had been feeling as they raped her. His sufferings were nothing compared to their own, but that did not make him hurt any less. Just make it stop.
“I am no lady,” the widow replied, “just Vogarro’s whore. You want to be gone from here before the tigers come. Should you reach your queen, give her a message from the slaves of Old Volantis.” She touched the faded scar upon her wrinkled cheek, where her tears had been cut away. “Tell her we are waiting. Tell her to come soon.”
She might be a dwarf, but she was also a woman, and women were bad luck aboard ship. For every man who tried to rub her head, there were three who muttered maledictions under their breath when she went by. And the sight of me can only be salt in her wound. They hacked off her brother’s head in the hope that it was mine, yet here I sit like some bloody gargoyle, offering empty consolations. If I were her, I’d want nothing more than to shove me into the sea. He felt nothing but pity for the girl. She did not deserve the horror visited on her in Volantis, any more than her brother had. The last time he had seen her, just before they left port, her eyes had been raw from crying, two ghastly red holes in a wan, pale face.
“I know her name.” He hated her name. Her brother had gone by the name of Groat, though his true name had been Oppo. Groat and Penny. The smallest coins, worth the least, and what’s worse, they chose the names themselves. It left a bad taste in Tyrion’s mouth. “By any name, she needs a friend.”
On moonless nights the water was as black as maester’s ink, from horizon to horizon. Dark and deep and forbidding, beautiful in a chilly sort of way, but when he looked at it too long Tyrion found himself musing on how easy it would be to slip over the gunwale and drop down into that darkness. One very small splash, and the pathetic little tale that was his life would soon be done. But what if there is a hell and my father’s waiting for me?
He was reading the girl’s account of the day she and her sister were taken by slavers when Penny entered the galley. “Oh,” she said, “I thought … I did not mean to disturb m’lord, I …” “You are not disturbing me. You’re not going to try to kill me again, I hope.” “No.” She looked away, her face reddening. “In that case, I would welcome some company. There’s little enough aboard this ship.”
My hands …” Tyrion turned them over, inspected them, coiled them into fists. “… my hands are crusted with old blood, aye. Call me kinslayer, and you won’t be wrong. Kingslayer, I’ll answer to that one as well. I have killed mothers, fathers, nephews, lovers, men and women, kings and whores. A singer once annoyed me, so I had the bastard stewed. But I have never killed a juggler, nor a dwarf, and I am not to blame for what happened to your bloody brother.”
Tyrion Lannister had scant experience with other dwarfs. His lord father had not welcomed any reminders of his son’s deformities, and such mummers as featured little folk in their troupes soon learned to stay away from Lannisport and Casterly Rock, at the risk of his displeasure.
“I thought I wanted to die,” she said, “but today when the storm came and I thought the ship would sink, I … I …”
“You realized that you wanted to live after all.” I have been there too. Something else we have in common.
An honest kiss, a little kindness, everyone deserves that much, however big or small.
“Prophecy is like a half-trained mule,” he complained to Jorah Mormont. “It looks as though it might be useful, but the moment you trust in it, it kicks you in the head. That bloody widow knew the ship would never reach her destination, she warned us of that, said Benerro saw it in his fires, only I took that to mean … well, what does it matter?” His mouth twisted. “What it really meant was that some bloody big storm would turn our mast to kindling so we could drift aimlessly across the Gulf of Grief until our food ran out and we started eating one another.
Tyrion gave her a lascivious grin. “A clever slave deserves a clever master, and you lot all look like fools.” That provoked more laughter from the bidders, and a scowl from the auctioneer, who was fingering his whip indecisively as he tried to puzzle out whether this would work to his benefit. “Five thousand is an insult!” Tyrion called out. “I joust, I sing, I say amusing things. I’ll fuck your wife and make her scream. Or your enemy’s wife if you prefer, what better way to shame him? I’m murder with a crossbow, and men three times my size quail and tremble when we meet across a cyvasse table. I have even been known to cook from time to time. I bid ten thousand silvers for myself! I’m good for it, I am, I am. My father told me I must always pay my debts.”
Tyrion gazed across the Yunkish camp to the walls of Meereen. Those gates looked so close … and if the talk in the slave pens could be believed, Meereen remained a free city for the nonce. Within those crumbling walls, slavery and the slave trade were still forbidden. All he had to do was reach those gates and pass beyond, and he would be a free man again. But that was hardly possible unless he abandoned Penny. She’d want to take the dog and the pig along.
Penny began to cry as the armorer was fastening her own into place. “It’s so heavy,” she complained. Tyrion squeezed her hand. “It’s solid gold,” he lied. “In Westeros, highborn ladies dream of such a necklace.” Better a collar than a brand. A collar can be removed.
The fact that there were any good wells at all within a day’s march of the city only went to prove that Daenerys Targaryen was still an innocent where siegecraft was concerned. She should have poisoned every well. Then all the Yunkishmen would be drinking from the river. See how long their siege lasts then. That was what his lord father would have done, Tyrion did not doubt.
Tyrion did not dispute him. The most insidious thing about bondage was how easy it was to grow accustomed to it. 
Sometimes he wanted to slap her, shake her, scream at her, anything to wake her from her dreams. No one is going to save us, he wanted to scream at her. The worst is yet to come. Yet somehow he could never say the words. Instead of giving her a good hard crack across that ugly face of hers to knock the blinders from her eyes, he would find himself squeezing her shoulder or giving her a hug. Every touch a lie. I have paid her so much false coin that she half thinks she’s rich.
He had even kept the truth of Daznak’s Pit from her. Lions. They were going to set lions on us. It would have been exquisitely ironic, that. Perhaps he would have had time for a short, bitter chortle before being torn apart.
Nurse did not expect us back. He had looked around at other faces. None of them expected us back. We were meant to die out there. The final piece fell into place when he overheard an animal trainer complaining loudly to the pitmaster. “The lions are hungry. Two days since they ate. I was told not to feed them, and I haven’t. The queen should pay for meat.”
What do you miss, Halfman?” Jaime, thought Tyrion. Shae. Tysha. My wife, I miss my wife, the wife I hardly knew.
“They say all Lannisters are twisty snakes.” “Snakes?” Tyrion laughed. “That sound you hear is my lord father, slithering in his grave. We are lions, or so we like to say. But it makes no matter, Kem. Step on a snake or a lion’s tail, you’ll end up just as dead.”
“… even giants fall if you slice their feet off. Once they’re down, they’re no bigger than you.”
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jadeclaymoresworld · 9 months
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do you have a good therapist or a friend you can talk to (irl or online)? it hurts to see you go through it :/ I hope you can get someone to talk to and manage to get away from whatever's causing you pain
just know you are loved and people care about you <3 (it's me, I'm one of the people)
I have friends I can talk to, but I don't like burdening them with all my crap, they have their own shit to deal with, they don't need my crap on top of that.
Unfortunately I'm not in a position to get a therapist yet, I know I need one, but that can't happen till I move out away from my mum.
Thank you for saying you care, it means a lot and I know I can get through this, I've survived the last 15 years of these kind of thoughts, but thank you all the same.
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mosviqu · 2 years
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when everyone is excited for christmas already but last december i didnt think i would make it into 2022
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flowercrownoreo · 2 years
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tw suicial ideation
I'm taking a break.
I just wanted to write this post to say that for a while, I won't be around. I know my presence has reduced anyhow but I'm finally getting around to explaining it. I need to take a break for my mental health because it's currently in the worst state I've seen it in for a long time. Prolonged stress and lots of negative events since the start of this year have finally brought me to a breaking point. I've become increasingly inclined towards self-destructive behaviour; I keep having fantasies about running away, and constant visions of being found either dead or in hospital. I'm dealing with negative thoughts daily, and the only thing that's helping me to ignore them is to sleep. I have to force myself to eat some days. I'm now at a point where all I want is to shut the world out, and I know that I'll need medical intervention, and soon. I need to take some time away for the sake of my recovery because being here right now is not helping me. I hope that you'll understand, and I hope this won't be for too long. Until then, take care of yourselves!
Love,
Steph
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ps2-fairy · 25 days
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strawberry × 24yrs × he/her × chronically / mentally ill
this is my vent/spam/trauma blog!
TW (sh, suicial thoughts, bpd, trauma, ect)
taken ♡
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What I hate most about wanting to kill myself, is that I am too much of a coward to go through with it.
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madsad-but-true · 2 years
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Yes I’m suicidal and yes I’m in a depressive episode. Just because I’m doing things doesn’t mean I’m not ill.
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minutes-left · 2 years
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I haven’t worn my seatbelt in 4 months. I hope I die soon.
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lostintheechoes69 · 3 years
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Guys, honestly I feel suicidal, and idk who else to go to
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I can't wait until my body destroys itself.
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princechickennugget · 3 years
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Please remember:
• Your mental health matters.
• You do not owe anyone anything.
• Your body belongs to YOU.
• No is NO. You can still say No even if you started with yes if you are uncomfortable.
• It is okay to cut family off if it brings you harm or doesn’t benefit your mental health.
• You do not have to stay silent. You are not the one who is guilty. It was not your fault.
• You are enough.
•You do not deserve to be hidden.
• You are not this vicious cycle that you are stuck in. You are a victim. You will get out of it, one step at a time.
• You are not crazy, you are hurting.
• Your feelings are valid and you are powerful.
• You are only human.
Trauma, physical, and psychological abuse can cause life long PTSD and it’s not easy to get out of the cycle if that’s all you’ve ever known of or if you don’t have a safe place to go to. Not everyone will understand it but the best will try to. It is okay to ask for help or to go to therapy. Mental health exists and it is okay to take medicine if it’s something you need. Therapy doesn’t make you weak, medication doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. If you don’t have the resources to get help, reach out to me and I will navigate you to the safest route possible. Check on your friends and make sure you’re checking in on yourself as well. Clean, work on a small hobby, or get a little bit of sunlight. I’m proud of you for getting out of bed this morning.
You are not alone. Please know that you are so worthy of love. You deserve to be alive. You will make it through this. Breathe. You have a purpose in life.
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wanderessofsociety · 4 years
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i feel sorry for anyone that has to look my way and see me
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beautifullytragicxx · 2 years
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i've literally never been in such a dark spot and i don't know if i'm gonna make it this time.
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