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writingforatwistedworld · 2 years

Note

A handwritten letter; the paper seems to be from a sketchbook, and it is written in bright red ballpoint pen. Penned in oddly compressed and not completely perfect script, but in a charming way nonetheless.

Idia Shroud,

As much as I try to deny, hide, or push it down... I hold an adoration for you. I find myself embarrassed... but it's there, and it's strong. I look up to you a lot. You're a person who has goals, achieves them, and still manages to do the things you like to even though you have other obligations. I envy you, even.

I act like I'm above the world, but truly, I do feel inferior to you. In so many ways. Your status, your grades, your hobbies, your talents... To even go to the same school as you sometimes feels like some freak accident.

And, a couple years ago a teacher said this to a crush I used to have, and it applies to you. You have an awkward charm. In my words... the way you act may be a little weird or a little off-putting, but honestly... to me it's endearing.

I know I'm boosting your ego, but these are my true thoughts. Just be lucky I didn't say more.

Don't expect me to acknowledge anything I said in this letter!

I know I'll regret this.

Defeatedly,

Knivy

Knivy is within Twisted Wonderland. Thank you for the opportunity!

I had to think a lot about how I could say things without spoilering anything. I hope it turned out ok.

Self-aware au

I do not take any responsibility for you reading this no matter which age group you are from!

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, self doubts, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior

Idia Shroud-Don't look away

Looking into your messenger you saw one coming from Idia. This was strange enough on its own considering that he avoided conversations like the plague.

Prefect of the Ramshackle dorm,

you shouldn't say such things. Someone like you is way above little me. I can't even talk or approach you on my own so why are you even bothering yourself with someone like me? There are many others that would return your affection so why not tell that to them?

I know that I am extremely disrespectful to talk to you like that. There is not a single being in the universe more holy than you. My ancestor, Hades himself, understood that since the first day of his godhood and honored you like it was supposed to be. Foolish Olympic gods, they weren't even able to understand a single bit more than their simplistic lifestyle. How despicable.

My admiration for you knows no bounds. You are someone that knows more about technology and how it can be used than anyone else. I'm not the only one who feels that way the entire Island of woe is yours to command, that is how loyal we are to you.

So please my dear overseer, don't look at other nations. They don't deserve you. They only see what you have accomplished, not the true godly face behind the facade of an ordinary human. They would never be able to understand. If you choose to cast your gaze upon others I might not be able to find back. Wouldn't want to erase a few memories. Oh how I would do it? Some think too much about it, I have my ways.

Don't look away. I could never bear it.

Idia Shroud

#yandere twst #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #self aware au #yandere twst x reader #yandere idia x reader #yandere idia shroud #tw: yandere #tw: self doubt #tw: possessive behavior #tw: obsessive behavior #tw: unhealthy mindset

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clockspur · 2 years

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The Fox’s Den

TW: POV Reader Insert with Depression and Self-Doubt, but followed up with platonic comfort and fluff stuff❤️

And dogs. I love dogs🐶

...

Outside of the MTT Resort, between the dark of the path behind and the light of the hotel steps away, you hang up your phone.

While a part of you makes a mental note to visit Undyne for... something, the rest of you feels dull and heavy.

Too dull. Too heavy.

Your head hurt.

Your soul was crushed.

I can’t...

Without much of a word, you start to run. And you don’t stop. ‘Not for monsters you accidentally push out of the way. ‘Not even as you rush into the elevator, pressing firmly on the buttons and wishing it would go faster. Time has slowed around you, but your need to flee is strong. Nothing else matters...

...

The Boatman drops you off in Snowdin. They didn’t speak to you the whole way. Did they know? ‘No matter. You left them without saying a word. Rude? ‘Perhaps. But at the moment you didn’t notice.

You had lost your ability to think about anything else other than to run and hide.

Your movement had become quicker and agile. Your anxiety was fueling your body’s flight mechanism, and you were taking advantage of it; avoiding monsters and weaving in and out of trees. Someone may have tried to talk to you, but they were ignored. And you were moving too fast and too suddenly for them to stop you.

Too fast to see your tears run like rivers.

After what seemed like forever of running through snow and skidding on ice, you make it to the door to the Ruins... only to remember that it was closed off to everyone. Especially you.

Your soul cracking once more, you blindly rush into the nearby woodlands.

Broken and weary, you search for a hiding place. The snow crushes and pushes away from the constant searching steps. A tree, a rock, anything. You felt a pursuit coming and you had to hide. You couldn’t let them find you.

But then... a hole! A hole in the ground! And it’s big enough! With enough DETERMINATION, you crawl in.

It’s dark, but only a few feet low and surprisingly big enough for you. Nevertheless you crawl all the way in and to the bottom, tired and emotionally wounded.

And you don’t move from that spot for a long, long time...

...

The pain in your head throbbed faster than your heart. Your body is still; unmoved and unwilling. The ground beneath you is hard from the frozen climate around it, but any small space was a blessing.

Not too long ago you heard a message about the entire Underground suffering from the loss of their king and a lot of their hope.

And before that, you fought someone who was willing to destroy everything and everyone... out of spite.

And before that... you fought someone who was willing to destroy you for his people... even though you both knew it was wrong.

And before that...

They killed him. He didn’t do anything, but they killed him…

You breathed steadily in an attempt to regain the energy from your run... and to soothe your garbled mind. It was useless. It was too much to bear.

After all... what would change?

If you had to agree with Flowey on one thing(and one thing only), is that you could be a better friend for Alphys. But after that... what then? It can’t prevent your fight with Asgore. It can’t stop Flowey from MURDERING him and taking the human souls.

It won’t give the monsters the future that they deserve.

It would just... start all over again.

Whether you climbed that mountain or not... it felt like nothing would have changed.

Your efforts felt like a waste of time.

You...

Maybe...

Maybe... No. No, no no no...

You needed to think.

You needed to think for... just a while.

‘Just for a while...

...

The enclosed space had become comfortably warm. You hardly noticed that you have fallen asleep for… how long? Well, you had no intention of leaving soon, so it didn’t matter.

You wipe your eyes, brushing away dried salt and stray tears.

Sitting up, you take a good look at the hole you’re in: it’s well lit with the light from outside. The tunnel is a shallow slope leading down, with just enough space for you to crawl into, but not enough for anyone else. Looking up, you see roots. This must have been dug under a pine tree, you realize.

You check for any signs of a creature still living here(and hoping that you didn’t break into another monster’s home), but there was none.

You are completely alone.

“HUMAN?”

Your body freezes in place.

“HUUU-MAN?”

You lie down again, hoping and praying that Papyrus didn’t somehow see you in the hole. You hide your face in the dirt as well.

“HUMAN? UM, I DON’T THINK TODAY IS A VERY GOOD DAY FOR SEEK-AND-GO-HIDE.”

Heavy footsteps crunch through the forest. In your mind’s eye, you can imagine Papyrus carefully walking, avoiding fallen branches and large snowdrifts as he does so.

“WE… WE COULD PLAY SOME OTHER TIME, BUT UNDYNE NEEDS YOUR HELP DELIVERING HER LOVE LETTER-”

Another voice cries “Papyrus!!”

“-AND I CAN TELL BECAUSE IT MAKES HER VERY NERVOUS.”

The sound of someone desperately trudging through the woods as fast as they can are now to be heard. From the furious footwork and annoyed yelps of hitting twigs along the way, you could tell that it was Undyne.

She paused, gasping for a second before addressing her sentry; “Will you shut up about that?!”

“LOOK, ALL I’M SAYING IS THAT YOU SHOULD BE MORE DIRECT ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT TRUST, AND THE GREAT PAPYRUS KNOWS ALL ABOUT-”

You hear an audible growl from outside. “NOT. NOW. PAPYRUS.”

“YES MA’AM.”

“Ugh… Okay. I’ve got the Dog with me. Do you have the bandanna?”

The bandanna?

“YES MA’AM! I BELIEVE THE HUMAN LEFT IT AT MY HOUSE WHEN WE WERE HAVING OUR DATE!”

The one you were wearing earlier?! You had completely forgot!

“…Okay? Whatever. ‘Hand it over.”

“WHY?”

“So that the Dog can pick up the Human’s scent and track them down.”

“I’M NOT TRUSTING THE DOG WITH THE HUMAN’S BANDANNA!”

“Dude, it’s a Dog; Dogs use smells to find things, and WE need to find the Human before something bad happens.”

“THAT MUTT IS A MENACE,” the skeleton loudly declares before lowering his voice to say “I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT MY SPECIAL ATTACK. I KNOW YOU HAVE IT… SOMEWHERE.”

The only response he got was an innocent little bark.

Undyne lowers her own voice, hissing “Just give him the bandanna, Papyrus.”

After a defeated “HRMPH”, the Dog begins to smell the cloth. You could tell, because the sniffing sound he made was a lot louder than you expected it to be. The snow shuffled with the Dog’s paws, signaling that it had begun its search.

“Good! Good Boy, find the Human!!”

“IF YOU WANTED ME TO SNIFF THE GROUND, I WOULD’VE DONE THAT.”

“SHUSH. Where’s the Human, Boy? C’mon, show us the way!”

As the sniffing got closer, you did your best to play dead. The anxiety from before came back, crushing your soul the longer the minutes dragged on.

Unable to see outside, you only hear and feel something paw at the hole’s opening.

It barked.

You could almost see it now: The Shame. The Confusion. The Chastising, as everyone took turns demanding an explanation. “You left the Capital without meeting the King? Why did you do that? We thought you wanted to go home! All of that effort was for nothing? You’re such a Coward!”

Coward!

You hold your breath, waiting for the inevitable.

“The Human’s in there?”

“THAT’S THE OLD FOX’S DEN,” mentioned Papyrus. “I BELIEVE IT USED TO BE A SENTRY POST WHEN THE CAPITAL WAS STILL IN THE RUINS.”

“Ah. Can you get in there, Dog?”

‘Indeed he could, easily climbing down the hole and landing next to you.

You were still lying face-down in the dirt, shielding your eyes.

The Dog starts sniffing around your body, possibly looking for whatever brought you into the Fox’s Den. You tried your best to ignore him and stay limp, but Dogs are persistent and loving creatures- he dug his nose into your arms, lifting them away to see your face.

The snow-white face looking at you was sweet. All Dogs have sweet faces.

Ashamed of yourself, you started to cry again.

The Dog tilted its head.

You really wished that the Dog wasn’t looking at you right now.

Something warm and wet brushes your face. The Dog keeps washing you with his tongue, doing his best to help and- hopefully- soothe the weird puppy that you are.

It feels nice, but it also makes you feel guilty.

The Dog suddenly stops his licking and crawls back up the hole, catching you by surprise. He wasn’t going to pull you out? Isn’t that what he was sent down to do?

“Status report?”

A series of yips and small barks can be heard now.

“…Uh, Papyrus? Do you know what he’s saying?”

“AH! THE GREAT PAPYRUS DOES INDEED: HE HAS CONFIRMED THAT THE HUMAN IS IN THE FOX’S DEN, ‘SAFE AND SOUND.”

Undyne sighed in relief, “Okay… okay, good. But, okay- why?”

More barks. More yips.

There was a pause.

A long one.

“…Papyrus?”

What? What is it? What is the skeleton going to say? You’ve already disappointed everyone else! If he was going to berate you for not completing your quest like you said you would then he could at least say something-

“UNDYNE? THE HUMAN ISN’T… DOING… SO WELL.”

-What?

“What? I don’t understand. I thought the Dog said that they were safe!”

“WELL, THEY ARE, BUT… COME HERE, IF YOU PLEASE...”

She does so, and Papyrus’s voice becomes faint and hushed. No other sound could be heard in that moment, aside from the occasional mumble from Undyne.

“Oh,” she finally says aloud. “OH,” she adds with realization. “OOOOOOHH,” she finishes, fully grasping… whatever it is she understood. And then, a flutter of footsteps moves away from your hole and towards the main path. You hear a loud THUNK from above, presumably the pine tree you’re under.

“Hey, Human?” You freeze in place. “Uh, Papyrus will be right back; he’s getting something… Listen, don’t worry about my… ‘request’, okay? You can do it whenever you’re ready. ‘No pressure… I’m gonna head back, just… take it easy, okay?”

You listen as she steps away, with the dog close behind.

…

When the forest is silent once more, you hiccup. Your hiccups mix with sniffles, trying to hold in another bout of sobbing.

Why were they being nice to you? All you did was crawl in a hole and cry! They knew what you are and what you were trying to do! You don’t deserve this! You never deserved-

“HUMAN, I HAVE RETURNED!”

“hey human.”

“…OH, YES; I HAVE RETURNED WITH MY BROTHER, SANS!”

Sans? He brought Sans?!

“I HAVE TEMPORARILY MOVED SAN’S SENTRY STATION TO THIS AREA. HE IS GOING TO VIGILANTLY GUARD THE AREA WITHOUT TAKING BREAKS UNTIL YOU HAVE RECOVERED.”

Oh no… Sans was one of the last people you wanted to be with right now.

You haven’t forgotten about the Judgement Hall: he knows you. He’s managed to tell if you’ve hurt anyone(not that you have). You couldn’t tell for certain, but he seemed to have a skeletal finger on the pulse of… something, you couldn’t tell what.

All you knew is that you really didn’t want to hear what he had to say at this very moment.

“-AND THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE A LEG SPRINT OUT OF TWIGS, DID YOU GET THAT?”

“yep.”

“AND MAKE SURE TO CALL ME IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, OKAY?”

“yep.”

“GOOD. SO WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING STARTED?”

“you’re still holding me under your arm.”

A quick “OH,” and something large is moved around and placed squarely on the ground.

“…THANK YOU, SANS.”

“no problem, papyrus.”

The boots walk away, leaving the woodlands in an uncomfortable silence.

Slowly, but surely, a set of familiar heavy footsteps turn around and move towards your tree.

You shrink into yourself. Your heart nearly pounds out of your chest, and you wouldn’t be surprised if your soul does also. You brace yourself, and wait for the crushing guilt to destroy you, inside-out.

“…hey kid. how you doing?”

You don’t answer.

“…okay. i brought something for ya.”

A small box is tossed into the hole. You grasp it, gently. It smells nice. It feels warm in your hands.

“a cinnamon bunny. ‘thought you’d be cold. and hungry.”

It was true- you were cold. You were hungry. But you also felt too many things at once.

You weren’t sure if you could eat this.

“…listen, kid, alright? my bro told me about what happened… and what you’re going through right now… isn’t good.”

Well, of course it isn’t good: it’s you not being strong enough for any of this.

“…i think it’s different for different people, but right now… right now, you feel like trash.”

Because-

“you feel tired, and you feel like any effort you’ve put in is not enough.”

But that-

“and that you’re failing the people around you because you feel that you can’t meet their expectations.”

You-

“and at times, the only way to get any rest from the storm in your head is to cry yourself to sleep.”

But…

“well, i’m here to tell you that… well, it’s nothing new.”

…What?

“there are so many monsters who go through this kind of crap- humans, too. you’re not the first, and you’re definitely not the last.”

That can’t be-

“we all have our reasons. me, alphys, the mystery person behind the door, even asgore. whatever the reason why you’re having a bad day… you’re not alone.”

But…

“it’s true; you’re not alone. and here’s some more good news: you’re not failing anybody. you’re gonna get through this. everybody will be waiting for you, no matter how long it takes. tomorrow’s gonna come. and you can reach out to anyone for help. anyone.”

There’s an aching in the back of your head. The guilt still hangs on your soul like a heavy chain, but your mind is trying to take this in.

The heavy steps come closer to the tree. Clothing slides against the bark as he leans onto one side of it and slumps down to its base.

“so take your time. no rush. i guarantee everyone will want to see you genuinely happy than trying to put on a brave face. oh, and this too-”

Two more objects are tossed down.

“water and painkillers. ‘take it from me- headaches suck. anyways… you picked a really good napping spot. ‘dunno why i never tried this place before. ‘just let me know when you’re ready. i’ll be right…*yawn* here…”

Before you knew it, he was asleep. You could hear his snores form a “zzz” bubble.

You open the water bottle and take some medicine. You take a bite of the cinnamon bunny, still warm and tasty.

You pause. And you could feel it. There really is a storm in your head. It rolled and zapped every nerve in your brain.

Then it must be true. You’re not the only one.

You had no idea when your DETERMINATION will return. But if your friends were willing to wait it out, then so were you.

After finishing the treat, you lie back down and curl up for a long, pleasant nap…

#thank you for indulging me #undertale #reader insert #papyrus #undyne #annoying dog #sans #tw: anxious thoughts #tw: depressive thoughts #tw: depression #tw: self doubt #platonic #comfort #fluff

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leonakingscholarship · 2 years

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TW// mentions of self harm, body shamming, vomiting

Hello everyone it's me Serenity hehe

These past few days, I've been quite down and literally no motivation to move at all. I wanted to take a break from Tumblr for a few days but at the same time, I don't. Tumblr is the only place rn where I can find happiness and taking a break from Tumblr is kinda hard for me.

I've been doubting myself lately. A LOT. Misery is lingering in my whole body and I can't even look into my family's eyes without wanting to cry. I've doubted every one and everything I can do and have. I don't thinking I'm a lovable person, I feel like shit.

I do have friends (ol and irl) and the thing is, only 1 or 2 out of those people genuinely care about me. But do they really? I don't know anymore. Not only that, when in a group of friends and one of them decided to pull up with fucking favoritism, it makes me want to die, genuinely. It makes me feel like I am loved/liked less compared to others. Is it that hard to treat your friends equally especially when you entered their friend group? 🙁 But who am I to complain? Who am I to question them? Who am I to feel sad? I'm just a random stranger they met online. And because of my internal doubt, I don't think anyone actually cares about me as I, myself, think that I literally don't have anything that can be loved

I'm brainless, I also almost failed every subject I have and I don't even have anything I'm good at at school. Yeah, I can draw, but I'm not good at it. I say that every art is beautiful but my mind is starting to exclude my own art. Also, one time someone asked me 5 things I like about me, I had to think about atleast a few answers so hard since I really couldn't think of anything. Literally nothing is special about me

One of my wishes is for me to stop being attached to someone easily. Because of that, it hurts me a lot when I get attached to someone whether I know them personally or online and it turns out, I am just nothing to them

I lost all my motivation to move and my past few drawings are made with force. As I said, I almost failed school because of loss of motivation and another thing that bugs my head but I wouldn't talk about it. And since I lost motivation to do school, I only draw for the sake of me being happy even just for a little bit but now, my art is starting to look like shit in my eyes. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I feel like sadness and loneliness are swallowing me little by little

It came to the point where I stood on the kitchen, making a coffee. I was going to take scissors but the knife took my attention. I was trying my best to ignore the knife and not let my thoughts take over me to harm my body but I suddenly took the knife and placed it on my thigh, I was going to slash it but it was dull and I managed to stop myself from doing so and to not grab the sharper knife to use instead. I hate my thighs so much, they are big and always gets made fun of which I think is why it's the first thing I've thought of to harm amongst all my body and use it to let out my feelings. My so called "friends" makes fun of my arms and thighs the most which results to me hating it SO MUCH. They'll also call me "dead hungry" (which is translated as patay gutom in our language but I don't know the english term to it) or "greedy" and even make fun of my breasts and call them "saggy". Every time I'll take more spoonful of rice, I always feel guilty, I always feel like everyone is judging me. And I feel that every stare is like a dagger stabbing me and I fill up with guilt.

Earlier, I purposely vomited what I ate as I was breaking down in the bathroom. It kinda felt nice, it made me feel less guilty that I eat a lot.

Every time I'll look at the mirror, I am always disgusted by the sight facing me. I always feel like I'm ugly and no matter how much someone compliments me, I never believe them. The words "ugly", "cow", and "whale" are carved on my brain and they wouldn't leave. I feel so ugly and disgusting from head to toe.

I also remember one time which shattered me SO MUCH when we had a project, you need to have a partner since it's a partner/duo activity and one of my classmate was talking to his friend (which is also my classmate) and as I was sitting on my desk, I overheard them because they were behind me. "Find me a partner, anyone, I don't care who" then his friend replied, "[my name]" , it caught my attention even more and his reply was "Anyone but her" then they proceed to laugh hard. It shattered me so much especially because they had the guts to talk about me like that behind me, literally behind me. He was also the guy who talked about my body once or maybe more

I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. Drawing was the only thing that makes me happy when doing personal things but I slowly view my own art as "ugly". Here I go again, comparing my art to others. I wish I had the talent, I wish I had the skills, I wish my own art isn't ugly, I really want to improve but I literally don't want to move and do anything. There was a hint of lie when I mentioned that I was enjoying drawing those little comic strips. I feel so drained, so lonely, so fucking worthless, useless, and a big disappointment

#sorry for venting here everyone #tw: self harm #(almost self harm)#tw: vomit #tw: body negativity #tw: body talk #tw: body insecurity #tw: self doubt

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seung-scrittore · 2 years

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Leo I feel like a failure :<

luna, lovely, you're not :( i don't know why you feel that way, but please know that you're so far from a "failure." if you need to talk to someone, feel free to rant to me :< ♡♡♡

#youre amazing #dont second guess yourself #✨.|| mutuals.🔑#✨.|| asks.🔓#✨.|| inbox.🔒#✨.|| user; lunarxsun #tw: self doubt

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imthecleric · 2 years

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ooc: so insecurity hit cause i don’t have icons or good graphics so im worried that people wont think im good at writing will (which like i may not be) but i hope its not cause of my graphics and more just like you think i don’t understand the character ya know....

anyways stay hydrated, i love you all and think all of you are amazing, whether we write together or not i followed you because i love what you are doing

#tw: self doubt #ooc: out of time

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porteurdereve · 2 years

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headcanon--

i understand i said this before, but during his time as an exarch, g’raha had to erase himself. it is only at the end of his journey as an exarch that he welcomes his previous identity. he still does not feel he is deserving of his desires because he is learning how to appreciate his old self again. he has so much self-doubt and an inability to be enough for everyone. he rather give his life to save someone than save himself.

#tw: depression #tw: self doubt #tw: self negativity #tw: self destruction #-- the reflections of the soul | headcanon

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blackdreamsoftruth · 2 months

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I haven't actually said anything yet :(

I 'unno howww... I don't wanna make things weirder than they already are!!! I mean- I'm living in the champion's house! I- I guess I'm a champion too, but- he's him! He saved the world soooo many times! And I just- I did it like.. once or twice. I still don't really get why he's lettin' me stay, really... I don't even have The Dream pushing me forward! I just- exist. In his house. Red's house. And It's like- I dunno. 'S all confusing! I don't get it... I get that he.. cares about me, but.. why? And if he does, then why.. why hasn't.. anyone else? O-Outside of my friends, atleast... it's always just been me, Cheren, and Bianca. And- And now White! But.. just them. Only them... and- and Red. I dunno why. Nobody's stepped up for.. me before. I should- I should just forget about it... it's a dumb question anyways. 'S better if I don't push my luck. I like staying with him. I don't want him to leave.

#hilposts #rotomblr #rambling #tw: anxiety #tw: implied child neglect #tw: self doubt #tw: implied abandonment

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big-expectations · 1 year

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who are you most afraid of disappointing, ethan? do you think you’ve already let them down?

"..Umm... I..." The thought was jarring, and left his mind reeling and scrambling a bit, cheeks tinting pink with hints of shame. Then he shook it off, regathering himself.

"No one! Nobody! Jeez... Dumb question..." The teen scoffed, until the silence fell and immediately he felt too suffocated with his swimming thoughts. "I mean... I know it probably looks bad if you think about what my whole family did..."

Ethan scoffed again, though the noise sounded far more forced. "Like- my whole family aren't famous or anything, but they did a LOT of stuff. All of 'em got badges. Some of 'em even managed to battle the Champion! A-and, my uncle..." His gaze felt to the side, "He's like- a genius researcher, making life better for Pokemon. So is my cousin. And- even my lazy brother! He sleeps all the time! Seriously, he sleeps more than his Slakoth, and he STILL got almost half way through the Elite Four...

"I don't even have one badge even though I'm 13- I don't even battle right, cuz I can't, I'm too slow and-" Ethan cut himself off, looking frustrated, "...I shouldn't worry about what people think. I... I should just focus on myself, so I don't care about disappointing anyone."

#Hmmmmmmm #IC #Ethan - Biggest lil expectations #Thank you so much I loved this one #Ethan may or may not have answered the questions #distortsverity #asks #tw: self doubt

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whump-about-it · 15 days

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Someone You Deserve

@whumpril Day 9: Self Doubt

CW: angst, empathy fatigue, conditioned whumpee

Whumpee was already asleep when Caretaker got home from work. Curled up on the couch in a nest of blankets and pillows and a tear stained face as they snored softly in contest with the low drone of the tv show they'd fallen asleep watching. They had a bed, but they preferred to sleep anywhere else. Too comfortable they had told Caretaker, I don't deserve it.

Caretaker sighed and took their shoes off quietly, so as not to disturb Whumpee's slumber. If they woke up they would be a mess of apologies for not being awake to greet Caretaker at the door, and Caretaker wasn't in the mood to talk them off another metaphorical ledge tonight. Anyway, Whumpee almost never slept this soundly.

A cold meal Caretaker had asked Whumpee not to make sat on the kitchen table. Caretaker realized with a pang that they had forgotten to tell Whumpee they would be home late tonight. No wonder they were on the couch. No wonder their face was tear streaked and splotchy from crying themselves to sleep.

Caretaker slumped in a kitchen chair and put their head in their hands. How could I be so stupid? They shivered at the thought of Whumpee cooking for them, cleaning, getting ready for the two of them to eat together once Caretaker had gotten home. Had they been excited? Did they hum to themselves as they cut the carrots? Dance around the kitchen while they waited for the oven to preheat? How long had they waited before they realized Caretaker wasn't coming home? Had their food gone cold too? Had they cried at the kitchen table? Wondering if it was something they had done that was keeping Caretaker away?

After a minute Caretaker stood up and went back to the living room, intending to wake Whumpee up and apologize, but they paused in the doorway realizing they didn't even know what they wanted to apologize for. Coming home late? Forgetting to call? For being the worst possible person for Whumpee to rely on?

The doctors had said that it wouldn't be easy. Whumpee's recovery would be slow, and Caretaker needed to have patience, for both of them. But this couldn't have been what they meant. It had been months and Whumpee had barely made any progress. They still rarely spoke if not asked to. They jumped at the slightest moves. And had even called Caretaker "Master" a few times, which made Caretaker's blood run cold just to think about.

Surely Whumpee deserved better than this. Caretaker was falling woefully short of providing what Whumpee needed and they were so far behind they didn't even know what they were doing wrong. Apologizing wasn't going to solve any of that.

Caretaker sighed again and turned back into the kitchen. Tears pricking at their eyes from their anger about their own woeful inadequacy at caring for their friend. They were exhausted, and in a bad mood. It was probably best that Whumpee didn't see them like this. Instead Caretaker scrapped their cold meal into the trash and poured a glass of water, bringing it into the living room and placing it on the coffee table in front of Whumpee as a peace offering for when they woke up. Finally Caretaker placed a small kiss on the top of Whumpee's head before going to their own bedroom, resolving to call in sick tomorrow and spending the day trying to be the person Whumpee deserved.

#whump #whumpril #whumpril2024 #whumprilday9 #self doubt #whumpee x caretaker #whump drabble #tw angst #empathy fatigue #recovering whumpee #conditioned whumpee

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tieronecrush · 11 months

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Hi! I loved water in your hands even though I accidentally read part 2 first 😩, can I please request a little drabble from readers pov when Joel just cut her off and missing work etc when he got married? No worries if not! Just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading :)

well thank you anyways for returning to read part 1!!! and i am so happy that you enjoyed reading!

i’m not sure if you checked out the playlist for the series that i made (spotify / apple music), but liability by lorde made it on there because it is literally what i imagined reader would feel during that time. my hopeless romantic who has never felt chosen </3

liability

drabble for “water in your hands” series

rating: M

word count: 1.2k

summary:

They say, "You're a little much for me / You're a liability / You're a little much for me" / So they pull back, make other plans ' I understand, I'm a liability / Get you wild, make you leave

warnings: angst, insecurity, self doubt, mentions of water/drowning

You didn’t even have any last words from him to mull over. The last thing you’d heard from him was him asking if you were okay as you lay next to him in the middle of that field.

Instead, his silence has sharpened the knife that he’s driven into your heart, his lack of acknowledgment of everything that happened twisting it to carve out a large space for the pain to seep in. And when you’d heard that he was dating someone else, seriously dating, according to Tommy, the knife was pulled clean out and stabbed into your back.

He’d spent one night with you, and somehow that was enough for him to know that he didn’t want you. All of those messages you thought he’d sent now mixed, your recollections of those fleeting, flirty moments poisoned by the knowledge that he didn’t want to be pulled into your storm.

It was the only reason you could think of that maybe drove him away. You knew that you weren’t settled, that you had your own issues to grapple with from everything you’d been through prior to Jackson, but you were secure in yourself. Maybe Joel didn’t want to deal with your shit on top of his own.

You were a little too much for him; a liability to his own healing.

You were on your own at the end of the day, superficial friendships and mere acquaintances belonging in the daylight. The only seemingly real friendship that you’d grown here was with his brother, and the saying goes “blood is thicker than water.”

Returning to a lonely house, yellowy lamplight bathing your space but doing nothing to warm your insides. You spent nights on your own, re-reading your favorite novels from the worn shelves in your cozy living room or spinning a record to dance around and forget for a few minutes. In those times, you were thankful that you were still looking out for yourself, that you still had your own back despite all of the doubt your own mind had grown.

In those solitary hours, all you had were your thoughts, which revolved around him, throwing you into a cyclical whirlpool of heartache. Only when you thought you’d pulled yourself out, had finally felt the heat of the sun on your face above the surface, one single memory of his fingers brushing your thigh or his lips ghosting over yours or a whisper of your name rips you right back into the current.

He left you behind and moved on.

Dating someone else, ignoring you for days that turned into weeks, that’s now become months.

You remember the day you found out that they were engaged.

It happened at the end of your shift, your coworker Tracy popping in to have a nightcap. She was tipsy already, spilling where she had been prior to coming to the bar. There was a party at Tommy and Maria’s, she’d said, a wide drunken smile on her face as she excitedly gossiped.

“They threw Joel and Heather an engagement party! How sweet is that?”

Engagement? Engagement. Engagement.

Engagement led to marriage.

Marriage was meant to be for life.

And Joel never does anything half-assed.

One time, a few weeks after Joel had returned to Jackson, you’d let yourself daydream indulgently. It’d been about him, about what you envisioned a life with him would look like. You’d pictured your own wedding, the closest people to you both the only ones in attendance. In your imagination, you’d seen your brother there, your sister, too.

It was a dream because, even if you ended up with Joel, you never thought he would get married. He was loyal, devoted, committed no matter what jewelry was on your fingers. Those traits were intrinsic to him. You didn’t think something like that mattered to him; he would be a husband, a partner to you without any ceremony.

Clearly, you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did.

Their engagement was fast. You’d heard from Tommy about a month later that the wedding was happening at the weekend. Bile coated your throat, burning acid settling there for the rest of the afternoon that you spent at work. You’d returned home that evening, crawling into bed and crying yourself completely dry and numb.

You didn’t leave that spot for days. Skipped out on work. Ignored the knocks at your door from Tracy, Maria, even Tommy. Limbs felt too heavy to move, bones ached deeply, dull pain sawed at your constricted heart.

Thoughts kept steamrolling each other, your brain was unable to shut them out as you spiraled silently alone.

A toy. A plaything. A little doll.

An achievement to be conquered.

He’d played with you; bantered with you. He was flirty -- suggestive at times. But once you’d given him everything, unveiled your thoughts and feelings to him in hopes of him returning them, even just accepting them, he’d gotten bored. There was no more chase. You’d rolled over like prey, submitting to anything he could have wanted from you.

You were only exciting to seek in the night, ghostly touches in the bar and a chance encounter under the moonlight.

Naive. Childish. Too much.

Delusions of a perfect summer with Joel changing with the leaves and eventually becoming rooted together had blinded you from his true intentions with you.

You were better off on your own, so it seemed the universe was telling you. Losing your siblings, your family, lacking friendships, and now your prospect for love slipped through your fingers in a rush, fleeting efforts made to contain it like water in your hands. No matter what, it would have found cracks to drip through, and eventually drained completely.

He evaded you, leaving you in an unrequited romance. You were in love with him. And now he was married to someone else, in love with someone that he could easily be with no disadvantage or opportunity for embarrassment. There were no means to confess your found feelings, so you lay for hours in your bed while tears soak your pillow and words are branded into your mind.

I’m in love with Joel Miller, and he won’t ever love me.

You repeated it so many times that it sounded like the truth, like gospel, and then, at a certain point, like a foreign language. The words eventually meant nothing in their countless repetitions, the weight of your self-confessional lessening with each second passing. Your limbs felt lighter, bones less sore, and the grip of pain on your heart loosened.

In the next moment, all you could think about was feeling the warm summer air on your face again. Finally, after days isolated, you were going to take a chance to disappear into the sun. You’d pulled yourself out of bed, changing into fresh clothes.

With one glance out of your window, the plans were soured when you saw it was sunset, that you’d have to wait until morning for your walk in the light. You decided to stay up all night to be able to catch the sunrise in the grazing field. To occupy yourself, you milled about your kitchen and living room, doing the small pile of dishes that had accumulated and straightening up the place. The clock on your wall read the early hours of the morning, and with no other chores to do, you turned towards your collection of books.

As you thumb through your shelves to find another novel to escape into for a few hours, the sound of knuckles lightly rapped on your door.

tagging the usual mutuals: @swiftispunk @joelsversion @johnwatsn @midnightswithdearkatytspb @pedrit0-pascalit0 @theelishad @undrthelights @ladamedusoif @ruinedbylanadelrey @thetriumphantpanda @pedgeitopascal @dinsdjrn @thepascalofus @pedgito @soaringcloud @somedayauthor @alloftheimagines @pr0ximamidnight @beskarandblasters @atinylittlepain @scrambledslut @lunapascal

#joel #joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x yn #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfic #tlou fanfic #tlou fanfiction #tlou fic #tw insecurity #tw self doubt #me #writing #requests

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