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#u ever think somebody’s a mutual and then they’re not😭😭
gayluka · 3 years
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lol
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nekropsyy · 2 years
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I never know what to do with “gut feelings” about people. In general when it’s just I’m getting to know somebody / Brodie is and I get a gut feeling that they’re bad, that usually never fails, but I hate the “gut feelings” about people not liking me anymore. Which sounds so edgy but I mean that there’s a mutual friend between Brodie and I, and I’ve been having the weird gut feeling he vented to him about our relationship, but … knowing Brodie … he probably only vented about “yeah it was just a really emotionally abusive relationship” and assuming the friend asked how, he probably only told his own side, which naturally, would lead the other person to not wanting to interact with me anymore.
Which would make sense bc when someone tells you they felt emotionally abused (or any kind) you don’t ask for the other persons side since it seems like you’re doubting the victim. BUT it’s so much more frustrating when I also have a connection with that person, and after Brodie and I broke up, they simply dropped out of my life ironically. I don’t care too much about that part, it’s more so the part of … who else is he giving one sided stories to, all of them knowing exactly who I am lmao. How many people think I was this huge “abusive & ableist” dick because it earns him sympathy, and admitting to these other people that he’s been doing the same things to me for almost a year would make him have to feel bad about himself. So of course he wouldn’t do that.
Not to mention whenever I ask him about what of my behavior is abusive in a *genuine* way because I want to know. He either doesn’t have an answer or all of his answers are just about how we aren’t compatible. And he’ll agree with me that none of our incompatible traits are actually negative, they just mean we can’t really get along. If he can say all of that … why does he still feel the urge to shit talk me as if he forgot what I just said above. I mean technically I know why, I’ve lived with him and have seen every possible side and secret to him there is, and he practically survives off of people obsessing over him, loving him, viewing him very specifically as someone with constant abusers around him that he battles through like a knight in shining armor and comes out on the top as a king to be worshipped, etc.
I’m really not trying to sound like I’m pinning negative titles on him out of “pettiness”, I’m just .. overly logical and analytical and I like to place out all of the facts I’ve gathered. He’s admitted to having an ego, being narcissistic, and enjoying the idea of people holding him up to a certain light. The only thing he’s admitted to not enjoying is being super sexualized which makes sense.
He has absolutely had a traumatic past 100% but I’ve noticed he likes to tell every single person he meets everything that’s ever happened to him within the first day of talking almost to hear their sympathy and bask in it, and if he finds something knew to victimize himself over and cry to the world about, he’ll immediately jump on it and go “oh uhhhhhhhhh… btw CF story I was in an awful relationship where I felt abused, I’m not gonna talk about it more than that tho so u have to swipe up and ask me so I’m not obviously villainizing my ex publicly.. 😓 also idk about his side he’s never told me anything about how he felt so … here’s just mine.. he was just a dick, no suffering over there other than hating me the whole time 😭” even though …. I was the first one to start bringing up actual lists of things that were emotionally abusive and again, when I asked him what was for him, he’d just say things that related to me being spacey and introverted. Like me getting overwhelmed by too much touch and energy and loudness. Me getting stressed out when he starts trying to mosh with me in the middle of a Walmart shopping line. Me not knowing (genuinely) how to sympathize with his suicidal spiral about not getting to meet billy worth in California. Those are all the things he will list, and how my negative reactions to him just being himself are awful etc etc, and then I explain to him that I ask him not to do those things because they’re extremely overwhelming to me and I want him to respect that just like I respect his triggers, and with the sympathizing thing, it’s not me ignoring him, it’s me genuinely drawing a blank and having no clue what on earth to do or how to react. And I explain that, and THEN he goes “ohhhh nvm that actually makes a lot of sense I’m really sorry I never looked at it that way!” And when I double check if he has anything else that makes him feel abused … he says no. “Now that That’s cleared up I think it was just a misunderstanding..” that’s what he says.
But then he still constantly brings up the relationship being abusive (again only on his side, ignoring EVERYTHING I’ve ever brought up to him bc it kind of ruins his victim display if the other person is a victim too.)
Sorry if none of this makes sense or any of it came off wrong, it’s just a heat of the moment really quick thing I’m not even going to read over
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