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confusinglystupid · 2 months

Text

draft for a star blazers thing

im posting this solely for @cryptidwithacopiccollection

HAIL THE GARMILLONS HAIL OUR LEADER HAIL DESSLER

DESS-LER DESSLER DESSlER DESSLER DESSLER DESS-LER DESSLER DESSlER DESSLER DESSLER DESS-LER DESSLER DESSlER DESSLER DESSLER

Dessler stepped away from the podium, back into the depths of the palace. Propaganda Minister Adelheid Szalabastar greeted him. "Hail." said she. "You wrote an excellent speech." said he. "You're quite the orator. And a speech is only as good as the one who delivers it." Dessler chuckled. "It was no daunting task. Garmillons are such simple creatures. Too easy to please- it was almost a waste of our combined talent." "But don't forget, Abelt; this isn't just for the collective. It's for the shrewder few who may begin to doubt the glory of Garmillas." As they walked, they were joined by Chief of Staff Miesela Celestra. "Chief of Staff." said Szalabastar, saluting and averting her eyes. "Abelt. You're in good health as always. And Adelheid, you look well as well." "Celestra. What a pleasure." Shortly after, the three came upon the doors to the banquet hall. At the door stood two guards, who quickly saluted at the sight of Dessler.

The doors swung open, revealing the way into a simply marvelous, titanic, and exquisite hall. The East wall was entirely glass, allowing a lovely view of Barleras. The west wall, through which Dessler and Szalabastar had entered, had a titanic and beautiful mural painted across it of a Garmillon patriarch (who vaguely resembled Abelt's uncle, Erich nom Dessler) and an Iscändarian matriarch (modeled after Queen Starsha).

The gathered officials applauded, though their applause was notably different from that on Earth. Their applause was a deafening chatter of "Dess-ler, Dessler Dessler Dessler. Dessler, Dessler Dessler Dessler." The "sentences" varied in length, but the first syllable of the first "Dessler" in each was stretched out considerably. Dessler strode across the hall, walking along a long noble azure carpet that stretched from the entrance to a beautiful golden throne toward the East end. The officials, who were gathered at ornate tables adorned with golden accents, continued their rhythmic applause as he made his way towards the head table. By his side were Kess, Szalabastar, Celestra, Talan, and Hyss, all standing.

Dessler sat down and held up his hand, calling for silence. A servant handed him a glass. He took a sip of wine, leaned back, and nodded approvingly, before giving the near-full glass back to the servant to be thrown away.

"Well, let's get on with it."

"Y-Yes, your excellency." stammered the Viceroy, who had rushed everything, organization and planning wise. This was often effective and turned out perfect, though at a great cost to Hyss's mental health and stability. The old Viceroy cleared his throat. "Comrades-- gathered officers, scientists and other important members of noble Garmillon society-- Today we celebrate our 103rd year since the Great Unification, and 103 years of Dessler rule!" "Dess-ler, Dessler, Dessler." piped up the crowd before momentarily quieting down. "Approval ratings are through the roof." added Hyss. "Dess-ler, Dessler, Dessler." responded the crowd. Szalabastar bowed, proud. "And, according to General Histenberger's report, victory continues on into the Lesser Radjendora Galaxy. Those dreadful Gatlanteans never stood a chance." "His-tenberger, Histenberger. Dess-ler, Dessler, Dessler." Histenberger bowed, mild relief on his face at Dessler's apparent approval. "Excellent. And my special entertainment?" inquired Dessler. "What? C-Concubines?" said Hyss, utterly bewildered. Quite a few laughed. Dessler took a moment before doing so. "No, Hyss. The Jarmattu." Dessler corrected, once he decided he had laughed for the appropriate amount of time. "O-Oh! Right!" To say Hyss felt an idiot is not enough. "Uh… General Gör reports that the-the trap will be ready i-in… th-three hours, sir." "Hyss, you're an idiot." "I-Indeed, Leader." agreed Hyss, frightened.

THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER

Colonel General Garamond Gör stood in the bridge of his flagship, the Görgamecj, watching in excitement as the barbarian ship, Jarmattu, steadily floated into his trap. "Perfect!" chortled he. "Alert Leader Dessler. His entertainment is in order!"

"Er… my Leader?" "What is it, Hyss?" "Gör says he has Jarmattu." Dessler adjusted himself. "Good." He sat upright and straightened out his cape. "Put it on the screen." The lights in the hall faded out, and the buzz of the room died down.

"Now." announced the Supreme Leader. "Comrades. I know your lives and jobs of… managing the lives and jobs of billions of others, it's… all really quite stressful-- especially our beloved Senior Vice Leader Garis Norrop, who manages the entire Lesser Radzjendora Galaxy--" There was some laughter in response to this, as well as scattered chanting or "Nor-rop, Norrop Norrop Norrop," as the great Norrop flushed deep blue, smiled, and bowed-- "And it is my belief you all deserve a moment of rest. So today, I present to you the end of a grand civilization, with the sincere hope of your entertainment. So please, enjoy the show." Applause; then, as Dessler sat back down, the screen slowly lit up, revealing a view of a large alien battleship amid a sea of stars.

"Behold, comrades. The Jarmattu. A marvel from a distant star. Though it comes from a previously uncontacted rock in the Zäl system-- who's natives were still bumbling around their inner four planets when we found them-- this ship carries a highly primitive Gesqtam engine. They seem to have engineered this wave-motion wonder purely out of spite for us. A beautiful testament to the indomitable human spirit." Scattered noises of mild fascination. "But, let's not deny it, soldiers of Garmillas. We all know how boring this is to you all. You desire action, yes?" Dessler stood up, flicking his cape, and smiled. "Let us blow it up." Resounding applause, cheers, and whistling. "DESS-LER, DESSLER DESSLER DESSLER DESSLER!" they cheered, on and on and on…

Dessler raised his hand, signaling for silence. The applause quickly died down. "Thank you, comrades. Now. Scattered around this marvel of defiance are hundreds of remote controlled Dessler Mines, courtesy of our wonderful Dr. Welte Talan.' "Ta-lan, Talan, Talan." muttered the crowd, as Talan bowed. Dessler continued. "These mines, my esteemed colleagues, are no ordinary mines. They are geniusly engineered to be nearly undetectable by radar. Not only that, but even while being nearly undetectable by radar, they also each have a built in propulsion system. Impressive, is it not?"

This was indeed quite impressive. It seemed impossible. How could it have onboard electronics without being detectable by radar? Or how could it maneuver without built in electronics? How could they receive orders with electronics AND something to bend light around it? Murmurs of curiosity and doubt filled the banquet hall. "But just talking about it isn't good enough. Allow us to show you." Yellow dots of various sizes appeared on onscreen, indicating the locations and distance of each mine. A red dot appeared onscreen indicating the position of Jarmattu, and an orange circle followed it indicating a target. Gradually, the mines closer to the camera began to recede, and the mines further off up began to approach, all carefully closing in around the Jarmattu.

Dessler looked on, slightly disappointed. "That's a bit slower than I expected. Mmh. No matter. Comrades, feel free to continue with your conversations and meals, but Hyss. Keep the screen up." "Yes, your excellency." The murmur and clatter of conversation and silverware faded back into existence as the gathered officials turned their attention back to their food and one another. "Perhaps the slow pace will heighten the sense of suspense." proffered Dr. Talan. "My thoughts exactly." improvised Dessler. "It's all about building anticipation for the main event, my dear doctor."

Over the course of the next 20 minutes, more people turned their attention back up to the screen as the mines closed in and tension mounted. Attention shifted when a pinglike tone was heard throughout the hall, indicating the detonation of one of the mines. The Jarmattu had sent a dummy drone out to test waters. "Clever." commented Dessler. "Teron ingenuity at a lesser extent. You'll enjoy what's to come." The Jamattu began firing small anti-aircraft pulse lasers off into the vaccuum, destroying the mines far enough off not to cause a chain reaction and close enough to eliminate real threats. But after about 30 seconds, it stopped. All eyes were now on the screen. The low murmur had turned to anticipatory silence. Another, lower pinglike tone rang out, repeating. An object had just left the Jarmattu. Was it a fighter? No, it was a human and an android, together bearing a large crate. "Thhe babrarians apppear human." observed a simply plastered Agricultural Minister Gelhen. "Many of them are." said Dessler, in reference to the various interstellar breeds of barbarian. "For the most part, they're no different from ourselves." Gelhen laughed at this. "A good jok, yyour exellenc-excelencyy." Dessler grimaced slightly-- slightly enough to be mistaken for a smile by those who did not know him. "It was no joke, my friend. I'm sure if we had a look inside that head of yours, and compared it to that of a Teron, a Jirel, and a Gatlantean, we'd find no difference at all." Gelhen laughed harder, not getting the message. Dessler smiled wider, his eyes fixed on Gelhen like those of a bird of prey.

Meanwhile, the two spacewalkers ventured out, floating to and from each Dessler Mine, attaching something to each one. "Can't we just detonate them and kill those two?" asked Celestra. "I'm afraid not." answered Talan. "You can't detonate individual ones, it's too complicated for that and I produced these on short notice. Blowing them all up at once would render the trap useless, and that, we could do regardless of if there were spacewalkers and have the exact same effect." "Then I have a proposition." stated she. "Have General Gör snipe them with low intensity long range beam weapons." "Unless Gör did it by accident, he seems to have specifically positioned them for a chain reaction, ma'am. It's simply not possible." "Then have him unposition them." Kess said plainly. "They're going to make a joke of your weapon." There was an uncomfortable moment. "That actually… That actually is possible. Your Excellency?" Hmm. Dessler thought for a moment. "Hmm… No, have Gör accelerate the mines. We will outpace them." "Yes, my Leader." said Hyss as Talan winced. "Ah, mm--" vocalized a grimacing Talan. "My Leader, they're closing in at maximum speed already." Dessler closed his eyes, inhaled, waited a second, exhaled, opened them again, and smiled politely. "Thank you, Talan. Your engineering prowess was almost adequate." Talan nodded apologetically. "I'm sorry, your excellency."

But by then. the Jarmattu's spacewalkers had returned to their ship. Suddenly, several-- not all, not even most, but several of the encroaching Dessler Mines began to fly back away from the Jarmattu. Dessler burst out into laughter in response to this. Followed by a frightened and confused Hyss and various other officers desiring to win Dessler's favor. "Hah-That was quite a simple solution. I bid them congratulations," said Dessler, once he was able to, "Though I don't deny I wonder why they've modified so few of them. I believe we should take a moment to appreciate the ingenuity of these creatures. Hail to thee, Terons." Gelhen, struggling to hold himself up against the mixture of laughter and liquor, finally managed to say something like: "An excellentjoke,, sir! ANd how th PRIMITIVes thin kthey've achived somethinng!!, Huzzah to them!!!" Dessler looked over at Gelhen, not disguising his look of anger this time. Gelhen quickly shut up. Seeing the joy fade from the drunk fool's face, Dessler's polite smile returned, and he turned to his comrade Kess. "I wish men like that would learn when to shut up." he whispered. "Would you like me to shut him up, sir?" "You're a saint, Aldous."

Kess stepped away from Dessler, whistled, and pointed. A few Imperial Guard officers joined him as he went to escort Gelhen out of the banquet hall.

"Now then. Let us continue." Looking over at the screen, Talan suddenly gasped and covered his mouth. "Oh, my word." Onscreen, the unmodified mines were being automatically navigated away from the hijacked mines by their built in safety system. The Jarmattu had figured this out, and was using the hijacked mines to push said unmodified mines out of the way, clearing a path to… the Görgamecj.

"What could they possibly be planning?" said a nervous General Gör. And then the Jarmattu's main guns rotated, turning toward the Görgamecj. "Ah-Haha, they-- They can't possibly hit us at this ran--" And with a few flashes of yellow followed by an equal number of thuds, Jarmattu's solid cannonshells did indeed hit them at that range. "E-EMERGENCY GESQTAM JUMP!" cried Gör. And jump they did. Leaving the mines dead in the water without a controller. The screen then went black.

Dessler looked up at the screen, a blank look on his face. Hyss immediately began stammering at an explanation. "Th-That coward, G-Gör, we'll-- we'll sort this out-- the military is under Talan and Zöllick's jurisdiction, I'll have a word with them. B-By the gods. This is… This is t-terrible, I-- I'll have, I'll send for a fleet immediately." "Teron ingenuity, as I said." Dessler was smiling again.

Aldous Kess and his men escorted Gelhen out of the hall. Out of the palace. "I'm TRULY… so sorry." slurred Gelhen, genuinely. "I didn't. know Desslerer wasn't joking. I ,wanted to be entertainining. to him" "I forgive you." said Kess, as they led him out of the upper class district. ",mMy friend… THIS has been a nice… walk, but we're." He paused to swallow, stopping himself from vomiting. "QUIIIIITE far from the palace.. Where are we even GOing???" "It's a surprise." answered Kess. "Ohhh," ohed Gelhen. "Excitingn." They led him into a north-south alley between two brick buildings, and two guards had him face the wall of the eastern one, on which a brown tarp had been set. "Heyy, what are--?"

BANG

But he was interrupted by a bullet passing through his head, spattering blue blood across the tarp. Kess switched out his gloves, tossing the gloves and gun he had used for the deed onto Gelhen's corpse, and donning new ones stowed in his pocket. "Burn this one. He's government. People will look for 'im." Those were orders Kess gave to his men as they took the tarp down from the wall and wrapped it around poor old Dotm Gelhen. "Aye, sir."

WORLD OF STRENGTH WITH HIS BLOOMS AZURE NOBLE IS THE LAND I CALL MY FATHERLAND THUS WE ALL SING THE JOYOUS SONG FOR THE GODS UP ABOVE WHO WILL BRING VICTORY TO OUR BROTHERS INTERSTELLAR: "ALL HAIL THE GARMILLONS GLORY BE TO US ALL FOREVER LONGER"

FIN

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