#ugh god i hope this doesnt sound like victim shit im not playing the victim card

[floralovebot]

...

thinking about this situation again and i think the worst thing is that i literally deleted my last account and restarted here because of being anxious that people were watching me and talking about me behind my back. and those worries weren't even about me being a bad person, i was always just worried that they were making fun of me instead. my old mutuals and followers were all nice people and honestly i can't remember the last time i got caught up in drama or got send a rude ask on that blog. the worries were completely irrational and literally a product of the winx fandom and unfortunately how things played out. i can't count how many times someone would stalk my blog or send information about what i was doing/saying to some other random person in the fandom, most of the time people i barely interacted with. it caused "drama" between multiple people and lot of worrying about whether or not they hated me (thought that should've been the least of my concerns tbh)

and honestly what just happened and what happened last time is a play-by-play of the past. it's making me anxious to even post and like? hello?? i shouldn't be scared to make my own posts just because other people are talking about the same thing and our opinions are different? that's what happens in fandom? maybe it's because the winx fandom is so small but i've never had this issue in other fandoms. even if i made a post directly responding to another person without rbing/tagging/mentioning them, it was chill because unless it was directly an insult, no one cared. and it's so weird that the winx fandom is the only fandom i've been in that has an issue with this? like again it's not just me, multiple people have been "accused" (if you can even call it that) of vague posting others simply for talking about the same topic. it's so fucking weird like i cannot describe how weird it is.

and now i'm running into the same issue of being anxious that people are talking about me behind my back. i don't mind talking about my issues that involve sns here because i can't talk about it to anyone irl. but every single post i write about this, i get scared that someone is watching and waiting to report it. and like? what exactly am i supposed to do? wait around for this to happen A Third Time? i enjoy being in the winx fandom and i like my mutuals. i don't want to leave or distance myself over this. but at the same time, i can't risk my mental health over fandom. the anxiety of just wanting to post things but being scared that i can't because someone else might disagree and either they or their followers get upset is like,, what even? yknow? what am i supposed to do with that? and honestly, even if it turns out that wasn't about me, it's still about someone else isn't it? who's going through this same anxiety rn?

i'm posting this when i know most of my mutuals and followers are asleep. and the ones who are awake, i don't mind reading this if they do. it's just.. i'm sure my fears are fake (at least i hope) but there's still a sliver that goes.. what if? what if they aren't? i'm online way too much and i notice when people interact with me less (unfortunately). and when it's only one or two people i don't care yknow? life and work and literally everything else that's more important than random mutuals on tumblr. i do the same exact thing, interacting with internet friends is not the most important thing in the world? but when it's multiple people And it coincides with someone posting an ask about vagueing and drama and i'm one of two people that happened to disagree with them and publically share their thoughts? it's weird! like, it's weird.

ugh, it's just such a gross situation and the only reason it's bothering me so much is that i've been through this before and it's the main reason i left the winx fandom the last time. and the last time lasted over two years. and i don't want that happening again. this is the second time i'm having weird, probably a misunderstanding "drama" with this person and it's like. both times happened because multiple sent them messages/asks about it. like. i Thought i wouldn't have to worry about people watching my every movement and telling people things that are purposely misleading and like goddamn this is so weird.

#rant tw #ik i said weird a lot but listen. i dont have another word that describes this #kermit jumping off roof.jpg #ugh god i hope this doesnt sound like victim shit im not playing the victim card #i hate when people do that in fandom drama its weird #oi again with the weird #im just ranting rn #while im hoping this is just a misunderstanding. the way they insulted me multiple times wasnt so #:D #idk its a delicate balance of #this situation is clearly not what people are saying it was but you insulted me multiple times so why should i care about keeping peace #actually. different but slightly similar news! i've been thinking about making a sideblog for the inher.itance cycle!! #i love that series So much and i just started rereading it to refresh my memory #but im just remembering why i loved it so much and now im hyperfocusing a bit aljdghjadgl #rereading all three books too. and the mini book!! #UGH i had this Amazing era.gon book that was kind of like an encyclopedia but for the universe #and i cant find it and im genuinely scared that i got rid of it #like.. how could i find it again.. unless they still sell it? im gonna look #okay im talking about something completely different now but its okay distractable mind im going on amazon now goodbye