#ugh the intimacy.... theyre both so close to what they want but feel like they cant have....

[roughentumble]

okay so I've had this fic for a while now and I'm finally remembering to tell you!

so basically canon verse but a/b/o and Geralt invites Jaskier up to Kaer Morhen and Jaskier's heat unexpectedly sneaks up on him, by the time they're nearly to Kaer Morhen he can tell he's gonna go into full blown heat soon so he very awkwardly broaches the subject

and Geralt misunderstands and goes, "you want me to find you an alpha" and as much as it breaks his heart a lil and makes him really jealous he starts mentally preparing to ask around the keep to see if anyone's willing to help Jaskier through his heat, figures maybe Eskel's the best choice but Lambert would get the job done too

but then Jaskier's explaining that no, that's not quite what he's asking, he's asking if maybe, possibly, if there's any chance at all, that Geralt might help him through his heat - y'know bc he knows Geralt and is comfortable around him, not at all bc he's been pining for 15 years, no sirree

!!!!!! yesssss omg i love itttt

"i wouldnt feel comfortable in a place ive never been with an alpha ive never met," he says, "not that you have to! just... if you were willing. i would... i would want you."

#he does perhaps have some impliments he could use to tide himself over #if they were willing to give him use of a room with a lock for a little while #but they both know it'd be a bit painful and unsatisfying #witcher tag #ogc tag #lemon tag #ugh the intimacy.... theyre both so close to what they want but feel like they cant have.... #and geralts SO kind and attentive and caring #so determined to treat him right #jaskier feels like he's coming undone under those hands

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.

#reflection