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saltypiss · 3 months

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Dude Elden Ring is just garbage. I tried, I really, Really, Really, did. 289.6 fucking, Hours.

This game is just not remotely fun. I don't understand why, it's this bad. I can point to so many things, but the only thing going on in the back of my mind is "People just do not have standards" and that's where it basically ends.

It's just bad. It's so fucking bad. I can't believe anyone would release this. I'd be in a feedle position with this shit out there if I made it.

It's so bad. It's just. So fucking worthlessly bad. You gain nothing from playing a game like this, like Dark Souls made me respect games, Elden Ring made me lose respect for Fromsoft. They just suck. DS2, DS3, they suck! They're fucking terrible because not a single one tried to be a good game.

It's Kaizo mario, or over the top, as marketable as possible bullshit.

I still remember feeling good defeating bosses for the first and whatever time in Dark Souls. I simply have Nothing but Apathy or Disdain after every boss in Elden Ring.

There was One. One boss fight where, I, I actually got it! It all started to make sense! The game was good! For Half the Fucking Fight when the Second Form hits and it becomes the usual garbage. Instantly, the game went from a 10/10 to 0/10 and made me fully, Completely, Give Up.

In Dark Souls when there's a challenge, I know the developer's actually fucking PLAYTESTED IT. I know the developer's DESIGNED IT. I have TRUST in the DEVELOPER'S DESIGN. Elden Ring NEVER not FUCKING ONCE gives you an OUNCE of reason to TRUST there's a fucking PURPOSE behind ANYTHING.

They slap a fucking massive fuck off mini-boss in the middle of no where, guarding a fucking strip of bacon I can buy for 200 runes. Are you fucking. Kidding me. Where's the design. Who the FUCK mapped this SHITHOLE. Why is it SO FUCKING BAD to explore, to fucking search, why is EVERYTHING a HYPER SPECIFIC fucking item I WILL NEVER use, why is ever WEAPON so fucking much WORSE than the SHIT I GOT AT THE VERY BEGINNING, WHY GIVE ME THE FUCKING METEOR STAFF THIS EARLY WHEN I'M IN THE GOLDEN TOWN OF BULLSHIT THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE THAN ANOR LONDO AND YOU GAVE ME A WORSE STAFF! WHY!? WHO DESIGNED THIS SHIT

You try to give these fucking developer's any amount of trust and I assure you, they will CRASH THAT SHIT INSTANTLY. I remember finding this cool underground area, not that fucking stupid purple bullshit area that only looked cool once and fuckin' SUCKS to explore because there's ONE ENEMY. IN THIS ENTIRE. FUCKING. AREA. oh yeah and crabs, oh boy they played a large part in this shithole. Anyways, Not that Boring as FUCK area, but another one! And guess what! I LEAD TO THE FUCKIN BORING ARE- YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. THIS GAME SETS YOU UP TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

Every. Fucking. Turn. Disappointment. Upgrade your stats, you still, Still, need more, you needed more just to GET HERE, now it's time to GRIND because our BOSSES give 3k runes and you need 60k. Don't forget to upgrade your weapons! By Spending Hours. Looking in random fucking places, for a Scrap of it. Don't try getting those miner bells! Because we have a broke ass, garbage, impossible, Not Playtested Boss just to keep you from having ANY amount of fun!

Literally, Anytime you need something? Plan a grocery trip, you'll be done putting shit in the fridge before you reach ANY fucking location in the game you needed to. Because they think they're so cool making this massive fucking map with absolutely nothing in it, because apparently OOT didn't teach anyone that Side-Jumping Hyrule Field fucking sucks.

No, make that the majority of your game. Please. Oh and while you're "Experimenting" with your upside down level, Maybe Have It Matter? Like, You don't just Leave after getting a couple things to go underground.

Or hey, those buildings you put underground? Maybe do something with that area as well? Because as is...it's just... sad man. It's a really sad image.

I see this overworked old man who hasn't had fun since they were a toddler, desperately trying to be unique or clever after decades of a creatively bankrupt industry fucking murdering that child-like wonder, to the point that "I don't know what to do with this underground area, other than have buildings sideways that leads to the shitty, fucking, purple area again."

Like wowwwwww great area/level design for the boss here guys! MASSIVE open area where you'll use just 15% of it! What? This would've been a cool area to have some form of exploration in? But, But boss! The bigger the challenge the bigger the satisfac-

No. Never that. The funner the challenge, the bigger that challenge is and how much you match it to fun, is what will result in satisfaction.

Going against a boss too soon in Dark Souls and realizing I have alot of places to explore that Inherently Grind For Me as I go, and trains me and teaches me mechanics, getting gear, leveling stuff up after considering what would matter or help in this situation or later, really having just put in that effort, in the limited area they gave me, to get myself to the Designed and Expected amount of Resource and Training, Then, beating the boss, that's fun.

Having to grind or go to a wiki to find the smithing stone (4) isn't fun. Having to grind or summon people to distract the boss, making it actually fun pathetically enough, isn't fun overall in your SP game, you fucking idiots. Having to grind and then being stopped because there's literally no way to beat this boss without a shit ton of flasks and health and the best armor, damned be how you look, summoning, and then you have a chance maybe probably still need to grind, isn't fun.

There is no "git gud" when the game isn't fun. Dark Souls? Oh I gut gid, but ER? I'm pretty fucking solid, but I just don't give a shit. This game simply isn't fun. There's less than 0 trust to the developers because I'm Seeing Their Lack of Design being Praised as anything but Absolutely Pathetic.

This is a game that's good Once, your first playthrough, and gradually gets worse as you notice the patterns like in Fallout 4. It becomes a chore to do everything, and while you're waiting, desperately hoping that maybe this level up, or weapon upgrade, will make the difference, the game throws you a section either pathetically easy or piss hard, and ends it with a boss that's the same fucking way, no inbetween.

I just can't stand it anymore. This game was designed with Co-op in mind, Alot of people buy it for that reason. But no. No. It's a shitty SP game, because they're STUCK in a fuckin' stupid formula.

Not a good one either, I can tell you right now what their mentality and formulas are:

Make it fast, make it flashy, make it hard to follow, make it hard.

Make it big, make it sparse, make it taxing, make it pretty.

for 1, it's just for marketing. Not gameplay, think of all those streamers and YT creators, if you haven't played a Souls-Like, or even if you have, that "gameplay" (cough cough, visual presentation) looks great! Too bad it doesn't fucking feel good to play! Like at all! Unless you're some hyper-adhd type mother fucker, you can't play! But that's not enough, it has to be hard so that way people can pass off the equivalent of shooting a balloon with a dart using only your farts as something "incredible".

That's Elden Ring to me. Shooting Farts at Balloons. It's embarrassing as fuck. Genuine Shame on Fromsoft for putting this pos out there. Your "experiment" can't simply be a worse Dark Souls again like this. Do something different. Ya'll used to make fascinating FPS exploration story driven experiences, weird robot shit, and god a bunch of weird obscure titles. What happened. What happened to Experimentation with this company?

Those sideways buildings in the underground area. I think back to it. I think back to it everytime I get mad at this game. Because what I saw there, was pathetic. They put attention to the Wrong Shit, and have the equivalent of a Drive-By Shooting for unique design. Imagine exploring those buildings by falling deeper and deeper down, going up and sideways, all the unique pitfalls and ways to trick both player and enemy alike. God. There's a good idea RIGHT THERE, and instead, no, Massive, Open Area, Nonsense Bullshit. Here's 2 Enemy Types, fuck you.

And the entirety of the Poise Mechanic just pisses me off in PVE. I'm sorry but at some fucking point The Pole Fucking Snaps and it still hasn't even vibrated.

Run in. Attack Once. Roll away, Roll Away, run back, Attack, Once. Roll Away. Roll...Awa-......

Boring. I've honest to god, Fallen the FUCK TO SLEEP playing this game before. I've Never, Not Once, fallen asleep at my fuckin KEYBOARD playing a game. That's how much I just hate this shit. It numbs the brain and then expects hyper attention and action for the smallest of enemies like BRO, give me a fucking Second to Think.

The reason Dark Souls is just better, comes down to the fact that the game isn't expecting split second decisions every god damn turn. You're eventually Allowed to just do damage trading to get by. ER just expects damage trading, but it doesn't design anything around that, so instead it's designed around Never taking damage, while the camera is so zoomed the fuck in, there's enemies coming from behind you can't POSSIBLY expect to react to, enemies behind walls that attack instantly, like man, this sucks. I've seen this all before, Done Better. In a Better Game.

I'm willing to bet that over Half the game is walking or standing still, looking for somewhere to go. 289 hours genuinely doesn't even sound remotely right. I remember so, fucking, little, about this game anymore other than how bad everything is.

Visually too! It's just bad! Why does it need all this detail when you do NOTHING with it! You repeat the same looking shit over and over and over my GOD it's 2020 whatever the FUCK. Stake of Maria, that little Summon Statue, hell, even the rune/bonfires are worse because they're so damn generic. And they're fucking. Everywhere. My god dude when you have to put a site of grace within view of another site of grace? You fucked up. Fix the Level Design.

I'm just astonished at every turn, the limitations feel artificial, like, "this is how souls like be, so shall we" like no, make something interesting, something unique, something GOOD!

This game so badly wants to be a generic open world hack and slash but it's forced into a box of souls-like completely not by choice of it's soul, but by choice of it's uninspired company/developer(s). I don't know if I should blame corporate or poor leadership or just a genuinely unpleasant atmosphere or what. But man. Move the fuck ON from Souls-Likes, give other people a chance to work upon what you have, and THEN come back.

I don't even know why anyone wants DLC for Elden Ring, like, it's just gonna be an extension of what's already here. Wh- What is there to be excited about??? More Tiny Ass unique places that are untouched, used as a hallway back to the boring bigger hallway?

That's the worst part, it's like someone said "people said the inter-connectivity of DS was cool and good, so we should do that!" and then as lazily as possible, made an underground section, and called it a day after slapping entrances where-ever the map lined up. It's just embarrassing man.

The main thing I've taken from this game, is that it's a great platform to get people to play Dark Souls. Because that's what happened with me, eventually the game just stopped being even slightly fun, that new game smell turning to a rotting odor. And bada-bing bada-boom, I'm now forever poisoned with the Dark Souls curse where, every game I'm going "Bro, who DESIGNED this shit" instead of "Bro This is so Well Designed!"

Ya can't just...Slap shit at random...and not...playtest, or...care. or try.

God I hate Elden Ring. It feels like an E.A. Open World game that hasn't added the Multiplayer Update yet.

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rafeandonlyrafe · 3 months

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fake belly

words: 1.6k

warnings: 18+ only, smut, unprotected sex and implied protected sex, breeding, tummy bulging, lots of pregnancy talk, kind of pregnancy kink but more breeding focused

“you know how tiffy is going to be on vacation for two months?” you hum, sliding onto rafes lap, who instantly wraps his arms around your waist to pull you in, securing your back to his chest.

“yeah, what about it?” rafe responds, only half paying attention as he presses kisses to your shoulder. he’s heard many times how annoyed you are about your friend going away for two whole months, but that you’re also happy she’s getting to explore the world.

“i’m gonna prank her when she gets back.” you state.

“how are you gonna do that? tell her we broke up?” rafe questions, petting over your thighs, unable to hold himself back now that he has you against him.

“no.” you sigh. “it has to be believable.” “whats the plan then, darling?”

“gonna buy one of those fake bellies on amazon and when she gets back, surprise! i’m pregnant.” rafes eyebrows rise. “can’t you just use a pillow or something?” “no, it’s gotta be realistic.” you don’t admit that you’ve already tried, taking a throw pillow and putting it under your shirt to see if you can mold it to look like a real belly.

“alright, whatever you want baby.” rafe pushes your hair behind your ear, revealing your neck as he buries his face in your skin, kissing and nipping with his teeth.

“you know what i want right now?” you turn so you are facing rafe, knees digging into the couch on either side of his lap.

“hmm?” rafe hums, eyes glancing to your lips, needing to take them in a kiss.

“i want you to ride you. right here on the couch.” you press your hips forward, grinding your core down, reaching into rafes pocket where you know he always keeps a condom.

“how funny.” rafe says, his voice already turning deeper, darker. “i want the same thing.”

“oh my god, it’s here!” you squeal, having gotten the notification on your phone that your amazon package was delivered.

“your fake belly?” rafe perks up from where he’s been lounging on the couch, scrolling aimlessly on his phone.

“yeah!” you rush to the front door, squealing again when you see the package, grabbing it and bringing it into the living room, surprised that the package is decently heavy.

“are you gonna try it on?” rafe questions, head tilting to the side as he watches you tear into the package before pulling the belly out, complete with a strap to go around your back to secure it to your body.

“oh my god, it looks so real.” you hold up the thick rubber, surprised by how close the color match is to your skin.

“baby, you gonna put it on?” rafe asks again, knowing that you aren’t truly paying attention in your excitement.

“yeah, i mean i guess? see if it fits.” you shrug. “i’m gonna go try it on upstairs and you can judge how real it looks when i come down.”

“ta-da!” you put your hands up in the air as you walk back into the room, now sporting a stretchy dress to mimic a maternity dress, the material extending around your fake belly.

“it looks so real, doesn’t it?” you turn to the side, smoothing your hand over your belly. you can see rafes gaze darken as it lands on you, eyes slowly moving over your body, focusing on the bumb.

“rafe-” before you can finish asking him if he’s okay, rafe has jumped off the couch, making you let out a little squeal that is quickly swallowed by his lips as he takes you in a passionate kiss. he moves you backwards until your back is pressed against the wall, the large bump separating your bodies from molding together but not stopping rafes hands from gripping at your tits, squeezing them through your dress.

“oh my god, what has gotten into you?” you moan as rafe moves his mouth to your neck, sucking hickeys into your skin, knowing they will blossom purple and show everyone who you belong to, but rafe has other plans to show that you’re his as well.

rafe sweeps your feet out from underneath you, making sure to carefully lower you to the ground, thankful for the soft rug in the living room as you splay out on the floor, rafe still kissing along your neck and jaw.

“gonna put a real baby in you.” rafe says, pushing his hips in between your thighs, grinding his crotch against your underwear.

“yeah?” you moan, undulating your hips to rub yourself right back against rafe.

rafe reaches under your dress and behind your back, undoing the velcro of the fake belly and pulling it away. “you looked hot baby, but i’m gonna swell your tummy up for real.”

you whine as rafes hand then moves to take off your underwear, not pulling away long enough to actually get them down your legs, ripping the fabric as he flings it away.

rafe undoes his pants with one hand while rubbing at your clit with the other, needing to get inside of you and get your cunt pumped full as soon as possible. rafe frees himself from his pants, squeezing at the base of his cock which is already ridiculously hard.

“i’m sorry baby, i just need to fill you up.” rafe suddenly punches his hips forward, burying himself in you fully, knowing he should spend more time opening you up or have an in depth conversation about wanting kids, but he physically can’t hold himself back.

you grip at the short fibers of the rug as he immediately begins to snap his cock into you, pushing and stretching at your walls all while his thumb continues to play with your clit.

“rafe!” you whine out, squirming as you reach for him, tugging him forward so he has to hold himself up with one elbow against the floor.

“i’ve got you baby.” rafe says, connecting your lips in a kiss like you clearly wanted. you wrap your legs around his waist, changing the angles of the thrust as he presses against the gummy walls of your inside, making sure every time that his cock buries as deep inside of you as he can.

you grip rafes hair in one hand as you keep his lips against yours, needing to feel the sweetness of is kiss, even if it is mostly just moaning into each others mouth, in sharp contrast to his cock digging into you.

“fuck, rafe, it feels so good.” you whine, being able to feel every detail of his cock now that he’s inside you without a condom for the first time.

“i know, i know.” rafe coos. “my pretty girl, being so good spreading her legs for me. gonna be a real good mama yeah?”

“yeah, fill me up. fill me up please.” you moan, back arching off the ground, pushing your chest into rafes, your dress still bunched up around your stomach. you move a hand to your tummy, imagining what it would be like swelled up.

“can you feel me in there baby?” rafe asks, briefly moving his fingers off your clit to move your hand lower, pressing it into your lower tummy.

“i-i can.” you stutter out, feeling the pushing of his dick against your palm, so big that a bulge forms every time he pushes in deep.

“gonna cum right in your womb, baby. gonna be pregnant for real by the time tiffy gets back.” rafe can barely control himself, sweat forming on his back, sure to wet the shirt that he didn’t bother to take off.

“im close, keep going.” you whine, pressing more open mouth kisses to rafes mouth as his thumb retakes your clit, stroking and flicking over it.

“never gonna stop, babygirl.” rafe vows. “not until i’ve got my baby in you.” rafe cements his words by moving faster, forcing his cock in at a rapid speed that you’re sure will break you until your high hits like a train, entire body shaking as your cunt pulses around his cock, forcing rafes orgasm quickly as well as he pushes as deep in as ever, and you swear you can feel the spurts of his cum through your skin as your pussy milks him, drawing every last drop that he has out and into your womb.

you’re both breathing heavily, a mess on the floor of the living room, and while rafe is tired, he manages to make sure to carefully pull out as to not disturb too much cum. he holds your legs up, throwing them over his shoulder while he sits back on the floor, chest heaving.

rafe watches your cunt, knowing you are squeezing to keep all the cum inside of you, helping with your legs pulled up on his shoulder to keep the angle, but as soon as rafe sees a drop of white, his finger is moving to your pussy, pumping it back inside of you.

“gentle, oh my god.” you whine, squirming from his harsh fingers on your oversensitive cunt.

“sorry baby.” rafe says, but you can hear the smile in his voice and know that he’s not all that sorry. “i think i broke your fake belly too.”

you look to the side, having completely forgotten that rafe tore off your new delivery and tossed it away, a crack formed in the rubber material of the belly.

“that’s okay, you’re giving me a real one.” you pat your tummy, already feeling a glow to your skin and face.

“damn right.” rafe nods, cock twitching at the thought of getting inside you again. “you gotta think of a different prank for tiffy now.”

“um…” you tap your finger against your chin. “maybe i can tell her we are having twins.” rafe pauses, his mind reeling at the thought of not just one but two and you know you’ve made a mistake when he pushes your legs open, a devious look in his eye.

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