I've been reading this book and the euphemisms are amazing! At one point, the main love interest is getting hot, removes his briefs and the author describes their erection as having unfurled!
1: That's not how penis works
Then, the female leads labia blossoms open!
2: That's not how labias work.
I think the author may secretly be a turtle. Or maybe a duck.
Ha, unfurled.
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Not That Special
"Good evening."
Detective cursed loudly, tea splattering the wall as they whipped around to face the thief lounging, ankle crossed over the knee, on their sofa. "What are you-- How did you get in?"
"Key."
"What key? There is no other key, I have the only set."
"Ah, the only set you knew of. I asked your landlord for the spares when you moved in. He thinks we're married."
Detective let that sink in a moment before forcing their mouth shut and running an exasperated hand down their face. "Alright. Ignoring that for now. Why are you here? I could have you arrested with one phone call."
"Oh, please don't do that. I'd have to make run for it, and I'm really trying to stay off the streets right now." Detective raised their eyebrows inquiringly, and they continued, "I'm on the downlow. A recent target really did not like being robbed. Two of my places are being watched, and I would not like to risk the third. You see I'm rather attached to my skin."
They slid the back of their hand down their cheek, turning their head haughtily to the side, almost like an invitation to admire them.
"So you decided you'd put me in danger?" Detective said.
Thief scoffed. "Nobody even knows who you are, let alone that I crash here in my off afternoons."
"You what?"
"Landlord thinks we're married, remember? You think that was a one-lie assumption? Keep up."
Detective had to sit down. Everything sort of felt like it was spinning out of control. Before they could think better of it they'd sunk down to the cushion on Thief's left and ducked their head between their knees with a long groan.
"I'm going to have to inform them I'm very much single. Then I'll have to change the locks. Probably change all my passwords--who knows where you've been snooping. Then there's the police."
Thief reached over their back and began massaging their neck. "Why. go through the stress? It's just a few measly days. I'll even return my set of the keys. As for the police, why is any of their business?"
Detective didn't have the energy to swat them away. The day had been exhausting enough all on it's own, and now all this...
Villain hit a knot, and they practically puddled at its gentle unraveling.
"Maybe because they're paying me to catch you? Besides, they already think I treat you specially. If it got out you were in my house and I didn't report it--"
"Like you said, if it got out I was in your house. Many times at that. With an eye witness. You really think they're going to believe I got in on my own?" Thief leaned against their shoulder, breath hot in Detective's ear. "After all. I am special."
Detective jerked out of their grip, their stomach dropping to their toes as they wheeled on Thief's pouted lips and innocent-seeming dark eyes. "Are you blackmailing me?"
Thief surged forward, wrapping their arms around Detective's neck. The scent of rosemary and mint wafted up from their hair. "Only a little. And only if you call someone."
Detective moved to shove them off, but Thief clung tight.
"I would like you to leave," Detective said, squeezing hard on Thief's wrists. "Now."
Thief still did not unlock. "I told you, I'm in trouble!"
"So? That's your thing! You love danger. Your court it so often your practically a suitor."
"But I went too far." Thief shifted a little. Detective didn't notice they'd climbed into their lap until their legs were wrapped as tightly around their waist as their arms were around their neck. "I robbed Corvina Sedero."
Just the name made Detective shiver. Dragging hidden criminals into the light was one thing. But the ones that stood in plain sight were quite another. Detective had been young when they realized that mere knowledge of wrongdoing was not enough. Evidence was one manacle and decent law enforcement the other, and Corvina Sedero with all her reputation remained chain-free. The rumor was that she skinned the people who crossed her. Detective had never taken it as hyperbole.
"If she catches me..." Thief drew out a hairbreadth from Detective's face, dark eyes shining. "I'm scared."
Detective probably would have taken it for a lie if they couldn't feel the rapid pound of Thief's heart against their chest. For a moment, they considered making the call anyway, telling Thief that the safest place for them was behind bars. But even if Thief didn't run for it, Detective doubted any prison was truly outside the reach of Corvina's claws.
"A few days," they sighed.
"Really?"
"But we come up with another solution in the meantime."
"Of course, it's not as if I planned on moving in." Thief snuggled against Detective's chest, limbs loosening into less of a death grip and into more of a real embrace. "I knew I could trust you."
Detective jolted a little. That was not a good thing. A Thief should not feel comfortable with the person actively trying to jail them. Yet they couldn't stop the warmth flooding their chest cavity. "Don't get used to it. I'm still telling my landlord I'm not married."
Thief did not argue.
"You're not going to say no? Tell me what a mistake I'd be making?"
Their only reply was soft breathing.
Detective flicked their gaze to Thief's face, eyes closed and tucked snuggly against their shoulder. They must have been as exhausted as Detective, holding on for confirmation before finally letting themselves drift off. Detective couldn't imagine how much running they must have done, how many dead ends they faced, before they got here.
Their arms hovered awkwardly over the criminal's thin back, stuck between ideas of guiding their wiry figure to the couch cushions and holding them back. They'd once read that hugging made the body release the oxytocin hormone to combat anxiety, and Thief probably could use as little anxiety as possible. But that didn't mean Detective needed to be the one to do it. The weighted blanket on their bed probably would do just as well.
Detective braced one palm against the couch back and gingerly rose to their feet. They turned off lights as they went, brain growing drowsier out of habit with the dark hall and spattering of wall lights ahead. They'd tuck Thief in and then collapse on the sofa.
It was just one night.
It wasn't wrong if they weren't in the same room.
And these were extenuating circumstances.
Anyone would be swayed.
Thief was not special.
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Fellow short fuse enjoyer… I see in your blog desc that you take requests… could I ask for any short fuse art from you in these trying times hands ? Or perhaps even just some of your thoughts on them?
I put beard on Engie because you don’t have the power to stop me.
We’ve learned that Demoman will instantly fall in love with anything that can talk. Engie has to compete for his attention with the following:
-Eyelander
-his own internal organs apparently
-the PA system (not Helen)
-an answering machine
-Siri
-one of those talking smoke alarms, which he sets off on purpose
but they can be married under unicorn law
They only ever fight about fundamental laws of physics because Engie is open to new math and Demo is very “MATH is MATH!”
Engie can learn languages in a week so he becomes fluent in Scots Gaelic real quick as a gesture of commitment and accidentally ends up being able to speak more than Demoman can.
Demo is a very good kisser and Engie is Bad At It. It bothers him because he's not supposed to be Bad At anything. But he is good at picking Tavish up despite his size and carrying him around like a cat. They very sweet!!!
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