#uni really changed them they used to be far too scared of me for attacks like THIS

[katyspersonal]

I used to take meds back then from autumn 2018 to autumn 2019. They were helping with paranoia, hyperactivity, impulsivity, anger issues, delusions, panic attacks, etc, you get the drill. They had good effects, such as me having been rather calm (to the point people were joking about how nothing could ever anger or scare me, lol), as well as more focused on writing or drawing things more than I've ever been in my life. But also they've made me so sleepy that I basically barely finished my last uni year when dozing off at every class, and I had a hard time providing the engaged, invested, "nerdy" conversations on every other topic like I do. I just quit them because not only being sleepy ALL the time would not let me work a job normally, but I also started to worry that I've been losing myself as a person. I was just so... detached and boring in conversations while medicated? Like you guys here know me as a person who is chronically like this:

But when I was medicated, it was far not this way. I was giving like... kinda tame and normie responses and thoughts, still excited but not TOO excited, etc. I am surprised that even while being a total slug on meds, I still had it in me to start fearing of losing my "eyes on the inside" xd

But I've been just thinking about stuff recently. I still loathe it when it is being handled like "you are a dangerous harmful monster that doesn't deserve compassion and trust and should be exciled from society", obvs, but the problem itself exists. I am kinda too intense, too much, too impulsive, my mood can drastically flicker within a second and flicker back just as fast. And I am paranoid. This year I even exhausted another paranoid person with being worse at it than them :/ (it always reminds me of a dream I had once, where Mic0lash of all people told me that I was "too crazy" for him fdshfh xD) I am extremely blessed to have friends and simply familiar people who accept and love me the way I am, but I am really starting to think that maybe I should delve back into it. That maybe something was wrong with the meds or the dose I used to be taking and I should try again. It is just really strange that being healthier would be able to "ruin" my passionate, nerdy, engaged personality. I've always been 'over the top' with how I think and with my creativity, even before any mental illness showed up, so sure it is just me and not any sort of positive symptom...? Like, clearly this is just my autism, not one of those other "mental illness" guys?

Well, all this talk is just in the scenario if I get enough financial stability to be able to afford monthly repackaging of meds. I am just having second thoughts on whether it is really a choice with no good option, and that maybe that previous doctor just made a mistake with prescriptions (could happen with anyone, even a professional). Or maybe I needed to demand trying something else but didn't. And I just assumed that "meds are a diabolic device to destroy a creative, nonconforming brain" (notice how it itself sounds a bit like a paranoid delusion, so clearly those meds were not quite helping with it lol). Not gonna lie, I am still scared that being calmer will kill the "real me", but at this point pain, paranoia and anger keep chopping away from my days and from my good experiences. And I can't control it.

But maybe I just should not have expected to hit the right way instantly, some people try out different meds for years before they find something that genuinely makes life better. Like maybe I got scared of how things have changed and gave up too soon, when I should have like, bugged doctor to try something else. I just want to believe that I don't have to choose between "being nerdy and engaged" and "stopping having panic/anger attacks that quite literally make me lose my mind". At least I gather enough optimism and benefit of the doubt to consider delving into it again, so there is something..

#personal #mental health #mental illness #not gonna lie guys paranoia is a really hard thing to seek help with #because yes if you are wondering it can get as bad as me believing that people who try to help are 'enemies' #like i can't even describe how REAL even the worst assumptions feel #i suppose i am having a small window of 'sanity' because early fall always cheers me up #i am describing this sort of thing more vaguely since you need to be at least lvl 5 friend to unlock the details fsjd #but i think it is pretty clear especially if anybody here has/had similar problems #at least if i crawl from the current debt pit i know where to put money that come above the bare minimum line lol

[hella1975]

banana fish spoilers!! but tell me why my one mate just sent 'happy birthday' and then a screenshot of the moment ash got stabbed. im actually going to commit a crime

#im coming to london *redacted* you aren't safe #MOTHERFUCKER the way my jaw dropped #uni really changed them they used to be far too scared of me for attacks like THIS #foul play of the highest degree #unforgivable #a violation #im still reeling #banana fish #banana fish spoilers

[twentytarot]

hello, everyone!! i know it's been a hot hot minute since i've posted a PAC but uni has actually been whooping me like a piñata at a kid's party so i've been on my school grind. recess week is approaching, though, so hopefully i'll have time for another reading soon! anyway, today's advice is on your career. what do you need to know to get through the next few months and year? pick your pile, scroll down, and let's find out! enjoy~ 👩🏻‍💻

PILE ONE: CANDY ORANGE

it seems like act one of your career life was a success, and you're ready to move on to bigger and better things! congratulations, friend, but the future will not be easy if you want to reach your full potential.

you need to know and remember that you can do anything you set your mind to. people are going to tell you otherwise: some because they want to keep you down, some because they truly believe it. you are nothing like any of these people. you are meant to climb higher, you are meant to do the impossible. it might feel like what i'm saying is too far-fetched right now, but all you need to do is look around you, look at all these weak foundations that are about to crumble, look at all the things you need to do, and you'll realise that the castles are crumbling beneath your feet because they are meant to be built back up by you.

so people aren't going to like it. people, especially those that have no intention on allowing you to lead them, are going to call you young and naive for thinking you can make impactful change. but here's the thing: you know you can. so do it anyway. don't let your passions turn into burdens because of a few moments of cowardice. it's part of your career purpose to change the way people do things, to grow into a full-fledged leader, to break traditions that no longer serve your workplace. have courage, and you can do anything you set your mind to. good luck!

PILE TWO: BUBBLE TEA

right now, you're scared, my dear. you just feel unprotected by the people around you; in fact, you feel like some of them may be out to get you when you haven't even done anything other than mind your own business and get work done well. half of it may be true, because either you're starting something new or your existence is something new to others at the workplace, and people may be trying to size you up. but there's good part of this that's just your anxious personality talking. i feel like people disappoint you and treat you carelessly often, so you sit there and brace yourself for the next person to attack, a weapon in each hand, instead of developing yourself and growing. it's not that they won't disappoint you or treat you badly— this is unavoidable. they will promise you the world and give you a spinning globe. however, knowing this should not paralyse you. once you desensitise yourself to these people, you free up so much space in your mind and heart to focus on other things that really matter. people being nasty in general is something that will never change, so put your effort into something that can be changed like your knowledge and skills. have the courage to keep moving on your own, and lean on the people that have been there, supporting you from the start. believe that you are supported; if not by your colleagues, then by the universe. you got this!

PILE THREE: STRAWBERRIES

it's time! time for you to tie up the last few loose ends of whatever you were doing and finally start doing what it is you were meant to do. your world is about to change quite drastically, but don't look back and feel like you wasted time— see it all as a rite of passage that you had to go through in order to get right here, right now. with a tad more wisdom and inspiration, you can find a way to put everything you wanted to achieve mid-life together. i see you also wanting to make some space for a new family, how sweet! honestly, i don't think you need much advice. just one thing: when you feel like the weights on your ankles have been removed just to be replaced with another pair, think about the line that divides stability from getting weighed down. does it feel like you're on the right side of that line?

make sure you're always reading up and keeping yourself up to date! you're not really the kind of person to just jump in out of nowhere— either you've never been like this, or you're past your impulsive days. stay wise and in control, and very happy, fulfilling days of being able to give back and lead are in your future!

PILE FOUR: LEMON

unlike all the other piles here, you're going to need to be a little patient because things will take a while to fall into place for you. many of you are young, looking for your first position in your career, looking for a place in university that fits, and i don't see you being extremely committed to anything yet, career-wise. that being said, there is something that you've been hoping for, some kind of aspiration or pipe dream, and you're going to be led to the first step in achieving that goal soon. it looks like either a job or a scholarship; whatever it is, it's going to be something that demands more of your commitment and effort, but it's going to be very good for your career, especially in the long term. when called upon to make your choice, don't be wishy-washy about it. you will know what you really want, so don't second guess yourself and go for it! your hard work and determination is sure to be rewarded.

in the meantime, use this knowledge to keep moving forward and don't be discouraged if things are taking longer than you expected to work out. take life's moments as they are, because they only pass you by once. the future will follow whether you think about it or not. have a great day!

#pick a card #pick a pile #pick a card reading #free tarot readings #free tarot reading #tarot reader #pick a pile reading

[bowieexaminprogress]

I'm curious to know if you have an own theory about Sander knowing Badr maybe?

You know what's super interesting I believe there's 3 options here...

1.- Sander knows Badr, this way could be used as a way to answer our questions about why Sander so sudendly go back to Britt and avoid going to police after the gay bashing on s3, on my opinion this is a super smart move because this could help us to know more about Sander trough Yasmina pov too and is like Sander is also a layer of Bel!Mikael they kinda change the roles since in OG Even is the one trying to kill himself and Bel!Mikael is the friend so Robbe knowing there was a boy before him make him a little bit insecure an that leads to a little misunderstanding and that's it, there's not an extra person.

2.- All I said before but we also put into the mix our Bel!Mikael this been Adi or Younes roommate OR Sander been Younes roommate and still get our Bel!Mikael as a friend of Sander that makes Robbe insecure knowing about Badr and then seeing Sander being close to someone else.

3.- Badr is not related to Sander at all but we still get our Adi/Bel!Mikael jelaousy plot this been Younes roommate, Adi or someone else from Sander uni, if there's this last option then Adi and Younes roommate aren't relevant.

So this is MY theories but with your knowledge and your way to analyze stuff what do you think could happen? What's your theory on this? If you want to share ofc.

TW suicide and homophobia (please don’t read further if you are triggered by any of the topics)

Hello nonnie!

Here we go let’s discuss theories.

So for me there are two options either the Sobbe plot only stays as part of the hate accounts (so they are used only for Yasmina to have access to Sander’s messages with Britt and then Robbe taking the bullet for Yasmina and step up as the creator of the Britt hate account) or that plot extends further than that and we have a deep connection with Sander, Yasmina, Younes that creates some waves in the water between Robbe and Sander.

I feel like so far we have had way too many hints and parallels between the Badr story and the Sobbe story to ignore them. So her is how I think a subplot further than the hate accounts might develop if there will be one.

Badr was part of Sander’s past. Sander was probably Badr’s first boy he fell in love with. I don’t know if the feelings were mutual or Badr was just developing feelings for Sander while they were very close friends. (So we have a reversed Mikael, Even storyline). Badr, as those feelings grew, started blaming himself and judging himself due to his deep rooted inner homophobia. That led to a downward spiral where he tried “healing” himself and finally ended up taking his own life. That event traumatised Sander deeply. He started feeling responsible for what happened to Badr and that’s when his own feeling of destruction of others started growing. That episode didn’t happen long before he met Britt. That will explain why he stayed in an extremely toxic relationship at the time, because his own self worth was extremely low at the time. That would also explain why Sander forgave Robbe so quickly after the f slur event, he had seen and experienced through Badr inner homophobia, why that event triggered him so much (remember the let me out sketch he posted that day), why he blamed so much himself for the attack and pulled away immediately from Robbe when he told him that in another universe they might have been dead, why he didn’t want to go to the police since they mislabelled Badr’s death as an accident, his words of “everything I touch breaks, I am toxic”. It will explain why Sander was so scared and was reaching low points everytime he realised that he hurt Robbe in anyway. Not telling Robbe about that event will also be very true to his character because we have seen how Sander deals with trauma. He pushes it away, buries it deep in his mind and moves on. He is not disclosing it unless he really has to.

That poses two further questions:

How does Yasmina figure out this story? Probably through Younes. Does she find out that they know each other because they live in the kot, or while Sander visits Adi at the kot, she asks about it and then Younes tells her the whole truth?

How does that start a little conflict between Robbe and Sander?

Does Younes post a photo with Badr and Sander at some point on his social media and Robbe sees it when Yasmina is checking his insta? He probably had seen a photo of Badr somewhere in Sander’s room. He asks how those two know each other. And Yasmina appears reluctant to answer and that pinballs Robbe being suspicious and slowly the truth coming out.

Yasmina not disclosing the truth about Sander’s past will also be a good explanation for why Sander will probably not get pissed off at Yasmina for hijacking his private conversations. He will feel that he owes her for letting him tell his own story when and how he wants.

If that will be the way that story progresses, Sander immediately becomes an extremely tragic character, so multilayered even further than before. Also that will strengthen Robbe’s and Sander’s relationship so so much more, as they will finally deal together with deep rooted trauma. In a way I wish Sander’s POV includes their talk about how they move forward together now that they have dealt with all the skeletons in their closet. I think it will be extremely powerful.

This is me and my thoughts on that matter. We will have to see how deep will that subplot go.

#season 5 theory #Sobbe theory

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

Another One?!, Part 3

First > Previous > Next

Marinette took one long, deep breath.

“What the fuck, Adrien?”

Adrien gave an awkward smile that made her want to forgive him… but, no, she must stay strong.

“It’s a cool car!”

She clicked her tongue. “Yes. Yes it is. But none of us can drive.”

“We have to learn at some point, though. Dick is going to uni soon, and it’s not like we can homeschool him for that. And there is no way I’m going to let him take the bus.”

Marinette winced. Okay, fair point.

Adrien must have realized that he was convincing her, because he chose that moment to bring out the pout.

Kwami…

She clicked her tongue once to show she was still irritated but nodded that he could have it.

He grinned and turned to look over his shoulder. “Told you I could convince her.”

Dick popped out of the bushes with a whoop.

Betrayal.

~

“WHY THE HECK DID I GET THE FAST CAR --?!”

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME --?!”

“STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER AND WATCH THE ROAD --!”

“PULL OVER IT’S MY TURN TO LEARN TO DRIVE --!”

“WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE --!”

~

Marinette glared at the three new driver’s licenses they had all somehow scammed their way into getting, then turned her gaze on Dick.

“I love you but if you flunk out first semester I will stab you.”

He smiled and wrapped his mom in a hug. “No, you wouldn’t.”

“Bitch, try me.”

Dick wasn’t fazed, squeezing her tighter.

She huffed and reluctantly hugged back. “Okay, fine, maybe not, but I will not be happy.”

“I love youuuuuu.”

“Love you too, sweetie.”

~

Adrien sighed as he looked at his kid’s grades so far. He’d been scared of this. College was a lot of adjustments already, and to add to that he was going straight from homeschool to normal classes and the school wasn’t giving him nearly as much help as it should.

Dick was stealing anxious looks at him out of the corner of his eyes, his legs drawn  to his chest on the couch.

Adrien reached out and ruffled his hair gently. “It’s fine. We’ll get you a tutor, okay?”

He didn’t suggest changing majors. Dick wouldn’t do it if he did, though he wished he would. It’s law school. Everyone knows that you can’t have a life and still go to law school, jobs and stuff are supposed to be put on hold when you go and there was no way Dick was going to stop vigilantism anytime soon. But…

“Also, try playing a game on your computer or doodling while you’re listening to the lecture. That might help you stay focused.”

Dick nodded with a tired smile.

“And you’re going to have to cut down on vigilantism so you can do homework and go to classes. You don’t get to choose your own schedule anymore.”

“Nooooooo…”

~

Marinette yawned, rubbing her eyes. It had been a long day for her. She’d done patrols for a good fourteen hours, and then Nygma had decided to use that exact moment to pull a death trap out of nowhere.

So, when she’d finally finished everything for the day she was tired and soaking wet (because, for some reason, he thought it would be cool to see if she preferred death by electrocution or drowning). She’d called for her husband to come get her because it was winter and she wasn’t all that interested in walking through the snow in damp clothes.

Now she curled up in the car, getting the front seat and both her and Adrien’s jackets wet. She didn’t care as she pressed as close to the heater as she possibly could.

Adrien brought the car to a stop and looked over, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “Do you want to wait in the car while I get him?”

She nodded, closing her eyes.

She felt a set of keys drop in her lap and pressed the lock button, sinking into the chair.

And then, a few minutes later, she heard something outside.

She peeked an eye open blearily and looked around, expecting to see Adrien and Dick drumming their fingers on the windows to be let in. A frown made its way across her face when she realized that they weren’t there.

She sat back up slowly and her eyes landed on a flash of red on the side opposite her.

She unlocked her door and poked her head out, carefully making her way around the car to investigate…

A person was trying to steal their hubcap.

She groaned softly and rubbed her eyes, then got into a fighting position.

The person looked up at the sound and she winced mentally when she saw they had a crowbar.

They shot to their feet and raised the weapon.

“Marinette?” Called Adrien.

She looked up on instinct, a bad idea when you’re fighting someone.

She took a crowbar to the stomach and groaned, doubling over. They leaned down to grab the hubcap and then attempted to make a break for it.

It didn’t work, obviously. Dick caught the person by their hoodie when they tried to rush past him.

They twisted in his grip and hit Dick in the side with their hubcap and, when he stumbled a bit in surprise, swept his legs out from under him.

Adrien scowled as he tackled the person to the ground. Then he stopped suddenly, his eyes going wide. “This is --!”

He never got to say what the person was, though, because they had socked him. The person had been wearing a lot of rings, so that hurt even more than it usually would. It was a wonder that Adrien didn’t black out or, at the very least, fall back to cradle his jaw.

The person must have been counting on this because they cursed and reached out to shove Adrien off of themself, but he caught their arms.

With a bit of awkward shuffling he had managed to pin them to the ground, arms tucked beneath him and legs swinging wildly in an attempt to keep Dick and Marinette back.

He needn’t have worried, both of them were pretty incapacitated. Getting hit with a metal instrument tends to do that to people.

Dick recovered first because his blow had been softer and to a less vulnerable part, and he crawled over to Marinette… who was currently listing off every swear that she could think of from her spot on the ground.

They leaned against each other for support and then lifted their shirts a little bit to check for blood. Thankfully, the things the person had used were blunt, so they would only have to worry about bruising...

Still hurt, though.

“— fucking asshole of a person I will fucking stab their cul stupide —!”

“Mari, stop cursing, it’s a kid,” hissed Adrien, who was now covering the kid in question’s ears.

“Oh really? Let’s see you get hit by a goddamn whatever-the-fuck-that’s-called --!”

The kid, who could apparently still hear despite her husband’s best efforts, supplied the name of the object he’d used: “Crowbar.”

“Oh, you absolute --!”

Dick covered her mouth so she could curse without the kid hearing it too clearly.

Eventually, she ran out of curses. Her shoulders slumped.

Adrien and Dick nodded to each other and removed their hands.

Adrien carefully clambered off the kid, though he made sure to hold onto their hands to make sure they wouldn’t a) attack again or b) just run off.

They looked him over and Marinette cringed. Definitely a street kid, if the ragged clothes and bruised skin was any indication.

“It wasn’t personal,” the kid said, looking between the three of them anxiously. He must have realized he wasn’t getting away, because he had stopped subtly struggling against Adrien’s grip. “I just needed money.”

Marinette nodded. “Sure. What foster or adoption system are you in? We can up donations.”

(She was still annoyed about the whole ‘hitting her with a crowbar’ thing, obviously, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to help out a bunch of kids in need.)

The kid’s eyes widened and then he gave a bitter laugh. “I’m not really in one, it’s safer on the streets.”

Adrien frowned. “Sorry? Why? Don’t you want a roof and food?”

They rolled their eyes. “Sure, I’d love that, but it doesn’t exactly happen.”

The three frowned at each other.

Adrien thought for a minute, then shrugged. “How about you stay with us?”

“Huh?” Said both Marinette and the kid.

“We have room and money, and Dick is probably going to leave soon anyways because of college. Why not stay with us?”

Dick hesitated. “I’m probably not leaving, actually, but you can stay if you want.”

Marinette and the kid looked met each other’s eyes and deemed themselves the only sane ones present, because honestly what the fuck?

But then the kid’s eyes strayed to the pearl necklace Adrien had gotten her the year before, to the car, to the designer bag Dick was carrying…

“I wouldn’t mind. What about you, mom?” He said, giving Marinette a cheeky grin.

She closed her eyes so she wouldn’t get puppy-dog-eyed from all sides.

Could Adrien, just once, ask her before randomly adopting kids?

Well, she guessed she should just be glad he didn’t try and adopt the entire foster system. She should probably say yes before he actually tried...

“Fine. Fine. We’ll adopt another one.” She pursed her lips together and then gave her husband a pointed look. “No more after this, though, got it? We’re too old for this stuff.”

“We’re not that old!” Complained Adrien.

She clicked her tongue.

“Fine. I’m not that old.”

Marinette scoffed and threw the keys at him. He caught them without even blinking.

Dick smiled and opened the car door for the kid, who seemed more than a little hesitant to get in the car with strangers. Apparently curiosity won over self-preservation, though, because the kid did end up getting in the car.

“Right, what’s your name?”

“Jason…”

“Cool! I’m Dick, and these are my adoptive parents, Marinette and Adrien.”

“... is no one going to talk about why your mom is soaking wet?”

“Why our mom is soaking wet, you mean.”

Jason frowned. “Sure… why?”

“She fell in a well.”

Adrien nodded as he started to drive. Marinette groaned and sunk into the front seat again.

Jason, poor kid, just looked confused.

“How the fuck…?”

~

Adrien was well aware that Jason didn’t trust them.

Fair enough. How many other people see a random kid stealing their hubcaps and then say ‘yeah, screw it, I’ll adopt them’? He figured they must be the only ones.

The kid seemed genuinely surprised when they pulled up to their house. Adrien wasn’t sure he wanted to know where Jason thought they were taking him.

Marinette had taken a quick shower, changed into some warm clothes, grabbed a cup of coffee, and then took Jason out shopping. Dick rearranged his room to accommodate another person.

And Adrien…

Adrien glared down the kwamis.

“Alrighty. We made the mistake last time of not telling you not to show yourselves to Dick, because we thought that was implied. We’re not doing that again. You are not allowed to in any way help Jason find out that you exist or that we are Chat Noir, Ladybug, and Robin. Got it?”

He made sure to see every kwami nod that they understood and then gave them some leftover macaroons to eat.

Good. So that disaster would be averted.

He heard a loud “Oh! My word!” from the next room and sighed.

New disaster.

He ushered the kwamis back under the floorboards and then rushed over to Dick’s room.

He walked in to find him frantically scraping a part of the wall that had been previously hidden by his bed.

Adrien crossed his arms. “Hey, buddy, whatcha got there?”

Dick turned around slowly, eyes wide and full of panic. “Uh…” He leaned back as casually as he could (it did not look like a comfortable position at all but that’s not the point here) and flashed a brilliant smile. “Adrien… Dad… Dadrien... have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“Not nearly enough. What did you do?”

“I…” He looked away. “... should probably get ahead of this. Don’t get mad, please?”

“We’ll see.”

Dick slowly scooted away from the spot and Adrien sighed deeply.

Because on the wall, in crayon, was a bunch of doodles.

But, upon closer inspection, he realized they were doodles of Chat Noir and Ladybug and a tiny little person with black hair.

Do not think it’s cute do not think it’s cute do not think it’s cute --.

He took a few deep breaths before turning to Dick. “Go get some cleaning stuff. We have a few hours before Mari gets back.”

He mumbled a thanks and then rushed out to go find cleaning supplies.

Adrien snapped a photo while he was gone.

~

Marinette and Jason were struggling.

It was hard to get this kid to buy anything at all, she had tried to get him just another hoodie and he had taken one look at the price tag before flinging it as far away from him as he possibly could.

Man, how was she supposed to get him a mattress if this was how he was going to react to a bunch of ten dollar hoodies?

She would have thrown her hands up in frustration if that wouldn’t have disturbed her coffee. “Fine. We won’t buy anything. Do you have anything we can bring?”

Jason hesitated, then shook his head.

Okay, an obvious lie but she wasn’t going to call him out on it. He was probably still wary of them and their kindness and wanted to keep that backup open. She understood.

Well, she didn’t understand because she’d never been in that kind of situation, but she would respect it.

“Fine. You’ll have to live with hand-me-downs. Are you alright with that?”

Jason relaxed a little, nodding.

She gave a tired smile.

She’d have to do something about Dick’s sleeping arrangements, she’d probably create a hammock or just let him sleep in their bed (it hardly ever got any use, anyways) for the time being. Eventually, Jason might warm up to them enough to let her buy him stuff, and she’d wait for that…

Or he’d run away. But, hopefully not that.

Jason ducked his head and pulled his hoodie up to hide his face and Marinette glanced around. People were staring at them. Fair enough, she doubted that the scruffy hoodie and weathered jeans were making people trust the kid. Still, she stepped towards him and gently grabbed the sleeve of his hoodie to say he was hers.

He cringed almost imperceptibly at her touch. She frowned a little bit, she knew all too well what that meant, but didn’t say anything.

She opted to just glare at the people giving them odd looks, daring any of them to say anything.

They didn’t. Good.

She looked down at the kid and tipped her head to the side.

“I’m going to just shop for the family and you can eat that stuff, okay?”

Jason still looked like he wasn’t happy with it but he nodded.

And, so, she took him to the grocery part of the store. She did what she said she would, shopping for things they would need over the week, but she also watched Jason carefully to see if he liked anything.

The kid clearly knew what she was doing, because he spent most of his time watching her with a neutral expression, but occasionally she’d catch his gaze lingering on a specific product for just a second too long and she’d drop it into the cart.

He couldn’t say anything. He had no proof that they never ate… whatever the hell a Chef Boyardee was.

She found he was mostly looking at cheap, instant meals but that was okay. He’d learn.

She was a baker’s daughter, after all. Everyone in her house would learn what good food was eventually or die by her hand.

~

Adrien fell back on the couch and groaned. “I have to homeschool another kid!”

“Sucks,” said Dick, who was applying a princess bandaid to a shallow cut on his cheek that he’d gotten that night (the goon who had missed had been pissed that their aim was off... but then pissed themself when the two older vigilantes advancing on him made him realize he had bigger problems).

“It does! I get one kid into college and then I suddenly get another kid to teach!”

Marinette sat on his stomach and he wheezed a little. She didn’t pay this any mind, though. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you adopted another one.”

“He said he felt safer on the streets than in a home! I couldn’t just not adopt him!”

She gave a noncommittal hum.

“Dick! Agree with me!”

The person in question just turned on the TV and started flipping through channels.

Adrien sighed. He was now talking to what may as well have been an empty room. He looked around for the kwamis but they were very determinedly avoiding eye contact while chowing down on their foods of choice. Still, he at least had one person-god-whatever that had to listen to him:

“Plagg.”

The cat kwami gave a long sigh before looking at him. “Adrien, please don’t make me give you my opinion on this. You’re not going to like it.”

He pouted. “Honestly, though, it’s messed up. Is the system really that bad?”

“Yep,” said Marinette.

“Mhmm,” said Dick.

“And aren’t either of you, I don’t know, concerned about it?”

“You guys already donate a bunch of money, what else can you do?”

Adrien frowned, reaching out and pulling his wife down to lay next to him so they both could be comfortable.

Marinette lifted her arms slightly so he could wrap his arms around her and nuzzled into him a little bit (Dick made a gagging noise in the background). “This isn’t really our type of thing, Chaton.”

He nodded reluctantly…

And then gasped.

“But what if it is!”

“What?” She said warily.

“I mean, we’re in Gotham. Everything is connected to crime here! What if the foster and adoption systems are messed up because the mob or something has something to do with it!”

“Did you stretch before that reach?” Asked Dick as he changed the channel.

Adrien huffed. “M’lady, c’mon, I make sense, right?”

She thought for a minute, and then closed her eyes. “Alright, Chaton, if you really want you can go investigate it. If it’s our kind of thing, then we fix it. Okay?”

He beamed.

~

Marinette was… tired.

So, when she walked into the kitchen and found Jason flinging cabinets open at random and Dick swinging from a ceiling light, she just continued on to the coffee machine.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TRASHCAN?!”

“Language,” Dick murmured absently. He hooked his legs over the light fixture and lowered himself down to open the cabinet beside Marinette, revealing... the trash can.

Jason stared at the cabinet in shock. “But… I opened that one… I know I did…”

“You have to be upside down to access it,” said Dick seriously.

She started up the machine. “Sweetie, don’t tell him that. He’ll break his neck.”

Jason slowly discarded his plate in the trash can, eyes locked on it as if it would disappear if he didn’t keep it in his sight at all times. “Why don’t you just have the trash can out…?”

Dick grinned. “Rich people thing. Can’t let people know you live here.”

“What?”

All he got was two shrugs. They didn’t really understand it either, they just didn’t care enough to do anything about it.

“I hate rich people,” Jason decided eventually.

“Same.”

“Including you.”

“Same.”

Adrien had chosen that exact minute to walk in and was now looking on in horror as Marinette brought an entire coffee pot to her lips and Jason dragged the trash can out into a reasonable place and Dick attempted a trapeze act on the ceiling light.

“I…”

“Morning,” said Marinette, sending a wave.

Adrien looked at the three of them for a few moments before sighing and sitting on the counter.

“Morning.”

~

Listen, if nothing else, Adrien had faith (... in humanity, religious faith is kinda weird when you have a god living in your jewelry).

This faith had never done him any good but it was there.

So, he had to hope that the problems with the system were things that he could fix as Chat Noir. Otherwise, he’d have to just accept the fact that the system didn’t care about its kids. He couldn’t do that.

The world was evil... but surely it couldn’t be that evil.

Unfortunately for his dreams of fixing everything, he found out that he needed to go to university for at least four years in order to get in. He couldn’t wait that long! People were suffering now!

Good thing he was rich.

Listen, Gotham is messed up. He’s been doing his best to fix it but, dang it, if everyone else can exploit it then he can, too!

(But only to help people. His moral compass was a roulette wheel and using his money to benefit solely himself was one of the lines he wouldn’t cross.)

Dick gave him a jealous look as he held up his new, definitely legitimately earned degree.

And then Jason had stepped into the room and frowned confusedly.

“You’re a social worker?”

“Am now!” He chirped.

“New?”

“Yep! I’m hoping to make it better, if I can.”

Jason gave a tiny laugh. “Oh, so you’re NEW new.”

Well, that wasn’t encouraging.

That night, he managed to catch Marinette before she could head off for patrols. “Do you think what I’m doing is useless?”

“A little bit but…” She leaned up and pressed a kiss to his lips. “I knew what I was getting into when I married you. I love you, Chaton.”

He frowned a little bit but returned the kiss and whispered his “I love you, too, M’lady.”

“Would you like me to drive you to work?”

He smiled and let her lead him along. That would be good. If he was driven to work then he could get someone to pick him up ‘late’ and give him time to snoop around.

Well, not today. The staff would know if it was his first day. He’d have to give it a month or so before he snooped. But it was good to start that kind of routine early.

When they pulled up to the orphanage, Marinette locked the doors before he could get out.

Crap.

He gave his wife a careful smile. “M’lady?”

“Listen to me: you are not allowed to adopt any of the kids.”

“But --.”

“Nope. No kids. We already have two when we said we were going to have zero. It has to stop.”

He sighed, leaning back in his seat. “What if… what if they’re about to age out?”

Marinette paused. He could see the gears turning in her head as she bit her lip, considering it.

Then she shook her head. “If they’re about to age out you can give them money and support to start out. That’s. All.”

He pouted a little but accepted this answer. It would have to do.

He heard the doors unlock and stepped out. He looked up at the building and suppressed a cringe. It looked like the kind of orphanage that you see in movies that always have an evil director. This was a good thing for him as Chat Noir but a bad thing when you consider that there are actual kids living there.

Adrien stepped inside, all too aware of his nerves.

After all, he was technically unprepared. Did he know basic medicine? Was he good with kids? Did he know how to teach even kids with challenges? Yes to all of that. Still, he couldn’t help but worry that maybe the four years of college that were asked of him could have taught him something that he would need.

Relax, he told himself.

This did nothing, and really only served to make him more anxious, but hush.

He was given the day to tour the place, and he was originally disappointed. Surely, this couldn’t be it. All the beds were crammed in one room! Some of the beds didn’t even have fitted sheets!

But then his mind wandered to Jason. They never found him asleep in any of the beds, instead finding him passed out with a thin blanket in the corner or, at best, in an armchair. He hardly ever slept alone, either, usually opting to choose whatever room had two or more people in it to sleep.

He had to remind himself that these kids were likely on the streets for at least a few months of their lives, and likely would have adapted to that.

It didn’t make him feel any better, though.

Adrien didn't let any of this show on his face, instead smiling as he introduced himself to the kids he passed. A few gave wary looks, others gave awkward smiles, and some didn’t even seem to notice him.

He didn’t know what he was expecting. He was their new teacher, people usually aren’t all that eager to meet those.

He hoped he could help, though.

~

Marinette clicked her tongue when she found Jason reading in his current favorite hiding space: under Dick’s bed.

“Sweetie, you’re going to get squished under there.”

He didn’t answer, probably because there was a flashlight in his mouth.

She leaned down to see if she could figure out a way that he could stay down there without getting hurt and scrunched up her nose at a smell.

“Is there… are you keeping food down there?”

Jason finally looked at her, his eyes wide. He quickly moved in front of the stash so she couldn’t get to it and pulled the flashlight from his mouth to speak: “It’s mine.”

“It’s spoiled,” she said, shaking her head. “You can hoard food if that makes you happy but at least make sure it’s something that won’t go bad, please. How about cereal -- no, actually, the kid would kill me if I gave you that… what about nutrition bars?”

“Those aren’t actually that healthy, you know.”

She gave a tiny shrug. “You’re right, they’re not, but they don’t spoil quickly and they have at least some kind of nutritional value.”

He hesitated, then reluctantly pushed the stash of food in her direction. She sifted through it to pull out any food that was still good, and then handed that over.

He looked at the tinier pile and then gave her a tiny smile.

“Thank you.”

She nodded. “I’ll go out and get some nutrition bars.”

His eyes widened. “You don’t have --.”

“Don’t worry about it. I was already going to start buying them to try and wean your brother off of cereal. This is just an added bonus,” she lied so he wouldn’t feel guilty about using her money.

He looked reluctant but still nodded.

She beamed and stood again, the spoiled food in her arms.

She yelled to Dick that Jason was under his bed again so he needed to be careful, then put a sticky note on his bed and door so he’d remember, then tossed the food.

And then she started towards the store.

~

Teaching all day and then coming home to teach another kid was… something.

Good thing Adrien had the patience of a saint from years of schooling Dick.

Jason groaned and fell back on the couch, covering his face with the textbook. “This is soooooo boring. I already know this stuff!”

“The test you took says differently,” said Adrien as he closed his copy.

All he got was another groan.

He sighed and closed his eyes. Whatever. He was exhausted. He’d take the night off. “Alright, fine, you’re bored. What do you want to do?”

Jason lifted the book from his face so he could send his dad a confused look.

“You have to enjoy something. Y’know, a hobby or something?”

Jason’s face reddened a little and he nodded, toying with some of the rings on his fingers. “I have one... but you can’t laugh if I tell you.”

“I wouldn’t.”

He mumbled something that she couldn’t make out, and Adrien frowned. “Sorry?”

He took a deep breath and then whispered his answer: “Iliketoread.”

It took a moment for his brain to catch up, and then he felt a wide smile stretch across his face. A kid? That reads?

He pushed himself up to his feet.

“I have a library card that’s been gathering dust for the past few years. C’mon.”

Jason raised his eyebrows. “It’s been gathering dust? Why?”

“Uh… let’s just say I’ve been kind of busy with other things.”

“That sucks.”

He considered this, his head tipping to the side, then he nodded. “It does. I should read more.”

“You should.”

Adrien laughed a little. “Have any suggestions?”

Jason’s eyes lit up.

~

Marinette hummed absently as she stepped into the kitchen and then frowned as her eyes flicked between Dick and Jason, who were looking very intensely at a plate.

She stepped closer and rolled her eyes. It seemed they were dividing up the last cookie from her baking session last night.

Was she concerned that they had managed to eat all the cookies in the few hours since she had finished them? A little. But not that concerned. At least she knew they were getting calories.

But now she was just amused. Because they were using a ruler and a pencil and paper to figure out what exactly half was.

Dick seemed to finish his math first, because he picked up a knife and positioned it over the cookie.

“Careful!” Said Jason.

Marinette snickered. “Boys, I may have a solution for you.”

They looked up with confused expressions.

“I can… you know I can just make more, right?”

Jason looked like he was going to protest... but then Dick swiped the cookie and stuffed it into his mouth. He watched on in horror for a few moments before his face hardened.

“You live up to your name, Dickwad.”

Dick gasped. “Rude!”

“Oh, so I’m rude? You want to know what’s actually rude? It’s --.”

Marinette grinned as she sipped at her coffee. She’d intervene if things went too far but, for the time being, she was perfectly fine just watching.

Jason’s eyes found her and he brought a cheeky grin to his face. “Hey, mom, if you’re going to make cookies then Dickwad can’t have any, right?”

“What? No! Mari -- Mom -- Mominette!”

“Mom!”

“Mom!”

She tried not to laugh at the chorus of ‘Mom’s as she started pulling down ingredients.

~

After a month and a half of gaining the trust of the orphanage staff and kids, he managed to sneak into the director’s room and look through the financial records.

He snapped pictures of every page and then slipped out through the window.

When he got home he pulled the pictures up on a bigger monitor and started looking over them with Dick and Marinette at his side.

The longer he looked the more he frowned.

“It’s not an evil plot. I don’t know what to do when it’s not an evil plot,” he said eventually.

Marinette rested her head on his shoulder. “Of course it’s not. Even if criminals benefit from the system being broken, they don’t need to do anything to keep it that way. Even good cities have terrible adoption and foster systems.”

“There has to be something we can do!”

She and Dick exchanged exhausted looks.

“There has to be something we can do.” He repeated, frowning. “We’re rich!”

“We don’t have enough to beat out a mob boss in political donations, Chaton, much less a bunch of them.”

He sighed.

Marinette slipped her hand into his and was silent for a while, trying to think of a way to cheer him up. She squeezed a little tighter and he looked over with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey, speaking of mob bosses, the kid and I have been closing in on one’s location. You want in? You always like beating them up...”

“I guess it has been a while since we’ve done that…”

They had been about two seconds away from just pushing the emotions down like they usually did, but then Dick had gasped and pushed himself to his feet.

“We can’t fix homes, but we can always make things easier when they leave.”

“We already agreed to give them money when they age out, sweetie.”

“Nonononono not like that!” Dick was pacing, now. “You guys know a lot of people, right?”

“I do…” said Adrien carefully.

“Then use that! Help them get into the fields they want to get into.”

“That’s…” Adrien pulled out his phone to translate the word to English. “... nepotism.”

Marinette shrugged absently. “We kill people, Chaton, this is hardly the place to draw the line. I can probably get them into the designing world if I wanted.”

“I could do circuses or law.”

Adrien sighed and closed his eyes. He figured he should just be glad that they were trying to help.

“... I can get modelling and any other field that I know someone in… I’d need to make some calls...”

~

The happiness that came along with finding a solution, weak as it was, lasted about a month.

Marinette smiled and wiped some blood from her husband’s cheek so she could give him a kiss.

“Feel better?”

“A little,” he admitted.

She smiled and tipped her head back to look at Dick, who was tying up the last of the henchmen. “You’ve had faster times, sweetie.”

“I would’ve gone faster if you were helping instead of ‘french kissing’ over here.”

“We weren’t --!” She clicked her tongue when both of the guys started laughing. “You’re hilarious. C’mon, we need to get out before the cops get here.”

They slipped out into the streets as sirens blared in the distance and detransformed.

Marinette hummed lightly as they made their way through back alleys. After all, their detransformations only got rid of the suits, not the blood… it would look a little weird if three people covered in blood were just walking through the streets.

Adrien opened the door for them, and she stepped inside…

Only to go pale.

Because Jason was up, watching a show. He had probably woken up and decided to wait until people were back to sleep. The three vigilantes went completely still, save for the quiet squeak of surprise that left Dick’s lips.

Jason looked over and his eyes widened.

“Uh… we can explain?” Said Marinette.

He screamed and scrambled off the couch as quickly as possible and made a mad dash for the kitchen.

The three vigilantes looked at each other, then followed after him.

Her eyes searched the kitchen and found him hidden under a table...

Oh. He had a knife. Fun.

Adrien pushed Dick behind them.

She held up her hands placatingly. “Sweetie…”

“NO! WHAT THE FUCK?! NO! I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE TOO NICE TO BE TRUE BUT WHAT?!  THE FUCK?! MURDERERS?! COME ON!”

Adrien sighed. “I… we aren’t… well… we kind of are… but...”

“Not helping,” Dick muttered.

Marinette bit her lip as she considered what to do to make Jason relax, then groaned. “Tikki. Spots on.”

Somehow, Jason’s eyes went wider when she transformed.

“WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU GUYS ARE VIGILANTES?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

Adrien sighed.

The other two transformed as well.

Jason had gone into shock…

Progress?

They detransformed now that they had shown him the truth.

“Now that you know that we won’t hurt you, can you… put the knife down? Please? That’s the good knife and --?” She felt the glares of the other two vigilantes on the back of her head and winced. “Okay, maybe not the most important reason why... knives are sharp. We don’t like sharp things. They hurt.”

The kid did, in fact, put down the knife. This was probably just because he was stunned and on autopilot but at least he was no longer armed.

Marinette carefully walked over and picked it up off the ground. A pout made its way onto her face as she looked at the blade. It had scratches on it…

She saw Adrien’s disapproving look and huffed, tossing it into the sink a few feet away and then turning to the kid next to her.

“This wasn’t how we wanted you to find out…”

The boys made their way over as well and they all sat in a wide circle around the kid. They didn’t want him to feel alone but they also didn’t want to crowd him.

“We didn’t really want you to know at all, we just wanted to be a stable family for you,” explained Adrien.

Jason was emerging from his shock slowly, his breathing was picking up.

Marinette peeled her jacket off and draped it over his shoulders gently.

“We promise we won't force you to be a vigilante. In fact, we’d probably feel better if you weren’t one. You’re a kid,” said Adrien.

“But,” added Dick. His parents glared at him but he continued anyways: “If you want, then we won’t stop you. You’re old enough by our family standards, so we can’t really stop you if you want to. Just tell us and we’ll get you a miraculous that suits you and some training.”

She clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

Dick gave her a bit of side-eye. “What? It’s not like we would be able to stop him if he wanted to be a vigilante. I’d prefer that he at least be safe… -ish.”

Jason curled up in the jacket and closed his eyes. “Can I have some time to think about it? About… everything?”

“Of course, sweetie.” Marinette scooted away a little so he could get past her and he rushed out.

The three watched him go in silence. They heard the front door slam behind him.

She closed her eyes. “Sweetie, go after him? Make sure he doesn’t get hurt.”

Dick gave a quiet “Okay” and transformed. With a shrill note, he was gone.

Adrien and Marinette were left alone.

She felt him crawl over to her and pull her into him.

“He’ll be okay,” said Adrien softly.

She bit her lip and then buried her face in his shoulder.

~

Over the next few weeks they heard people in the house.

He made sure to never acknowledge it. It could be Dick coming back for food or to grab some homework to do while watching over his brother, or it could be Jason.

He always hoped it would be Jason… but now that it actually was he felt a surge of anxiety.

Firstly, Marinette wasn’t home. Nygma had just announced his most recent death trap to the city and she’d had to rush out to deal with it.

Secondly, Dick had a class at the moment.

Thirdly, Adrien was just really tired. He’d spent the entire day teaching, of course he was tired. He wouldn’t be at the top of his game.

This was probably an intentional move on Jason’s part. It was a good idea to take precautions, Adrien would have been proud if he wasn’t so nervous.

He looked up from his spot on the couch and gave a careful smile. “Hey, Jay.”

Jason hesitated and then disappeared to the kitchen. He came back with a knife.

Ah. Great.

Adrien knew he could beat a child with a knife, that didn’t mean he wanted to.

Jason sat on the couch opposite Adrien and pointed his knife at him. “I want to ask some questions.”

“Of course. Anything.”

He nodded and lowered his knife ever so slightly. “Okay… why did you adopt me?”

Adrien frowned a little bit. “You were a kid that was so desperate for money that you were stealing a bunch of rich people’s hubcaps. I couldn’t not adopt you.”

“There’s a lot of people like that. Why me? I attacked you. There had to be better, safer options.”

“I…” His frown deepened. This was true. Why had he felt so drawn to Jason in particular? “I guess it could have been Marinette’s luck? One of her side-effects is that she has really good luck. I wouldn’t be surprised if we adopted the exact kid that was perfect for our family.”

Jason nodded a little bit, though he looked skeptical.

Fair enough. Adrien was also a little skeptical of his answer. He had a theory about what was going on but it wasn’t like he’d ever be able to prove it.

“Next question: what did Dick mean when he said that I was old enough to be a vigilante ‘by your standards’?”

Adrien winced a little bit. “You said you’re about thirteen, right? Well, Dick and I started at twelve and Mari started at thirteen.”

Jason gave him an incredulous look, then apparently got over it. “Oh. Okay. And… why did you start doing this?”

“Uh… odd question…” He pursed his lips. “It’s hard to explain. I… had an image to keep up and Chat Noir was -- still is, actually -- my outlet for me to be myself in public. Mari, I think, was more or less thrown into the life and then, when she finally had an out, couldn’t imagine herself without it. Dick wanted to get revenge on the person who got his parents killed and then decided to keep going.”

He frowned. “You make it sound addictive.”

“Oh, yeah, it definitely is.” Adrien sighed. “There’s a lot of reasons why we didn’t tell you but that was one of them. When you start you don’t stop. We made that mistake with Dick, we’re hoping that you’ll not do it.”

Jason set the knife down, finally. “But you wouldn’t stop me if I still wanted to?”

He winced. “No. If you wanted to then we’d give you a miraculous -- powers -- and you’d get to go out and fight crime.”

“You trust me?” He said with a laugh.

“Should I not?”

He rolled his eyes. “I grew up on the streets. Most people don’t.”

“Jay, no offense but I’m not scared of you. You could have stolen from us or attempted to hurt us at any point over the last few months and you didn’t.”

“You’re vigilantes! It’s not like I could have done any of that!”

He shrugged and stretched out lazily. “You’re right, you wouldn't have succeeded. But you didn’t know that. You thought we were just some really trusting rich people.”

Jason considered this with a frown, and then he looked at Adrien. “I want to be a vigilante.”

He groaned a little bit but nodded. “Fine. Take off your -- Mari’s -- whatever -- THE jacket and the hoodie for a minute so I can see who should train you?”

The kid looked a little uncomfortable but he did comply.

Adrien frowned at all the tiny scars but didn’t say anything as he carefully examined his build. Definitely closer to him than Marinette or Dick.

He would take up the physical aspect of training, then.

“Right, how much do you know about self-defense?”

~

The four of them sat on the floor, sifting through the different miraculi for ones that could protect Jason in battle.

Marinette hummed to herself as she sifted through her pile.

After a minute, Dick held up the turtle miraculous. “This one can keep him safe -- wait a minute, why didn’t I get this one?”

“Didn’t match your fighting style or personality,” said Adrien absently, his head tipping from side to side as he considered the miraculous.

“If we want to give him that one then he’s going to need a different weapon. What would you like, sweetie?”

Jason thought for a minute, staring at Wayzz.

Then his eyes lit up. “Can I have a gun?”

“I…” Began Marinette, then she shrugged. “Actually, we could probably use another long-distance fighter on the team.”

“And it keeps him a pretty safe distance away from the fighting…” Agreed Adrien.

Dick hesitated. “But guns are pretty lethal. He isn’t an adult.”

“Damn, that really is going to come back to bite me, huh?”

Jason frowned. “What? What’s going on?”

“Basically, we have a rule that says kids aren’t allowed to kill,” said Adrien, sending his wife a tired glare.

She gave him a tense smile in return. “Killing people messes you up, so we’re trying to keep you guys away from it.”

Jason hesitated a little bit. “I’ve kinda… already…”

The three others’ eyes widened and they gave each other nervous glances. Jason couldn’t seem to finish, and they didn’t ask him to. They could guess what he was trying to get at.

And they didn’t know how to respond. Their problem had been with introducing kids to murder, because they knew that it was something you never really came back from… but he’d already done it...

They figured that, from the way he said it, he had probably had no choice in the matter and was regretting doing it…

“I guess… we let him kill if he wants?” Said Adrien slowly.

Dick scratched his head. “I guess?”

The three of them shrugged at each other. It was probably -- no, definitely -- not the right decision but they really didn’t know what to do.

“I think he’d look cute with pistols,” said Marinette after a few minutes of silence.

Adrien, who was the only other person who had seen the turtle miraculous’s suit, nodded his agreement.

Jason transformed for the first time.

Dick nodded as well. “Pistols would be cute.”

~

Adrien smiled as he watched Jason mess around with his new powers.

There wasn’t much to them. They created a force field around an item or person of your choosing that held for as long as you stayed awake…

Still, he was proud of him. Baby’s first powers and all.

The three older vigilantes were casually throwing things and hitting the forcefield in an attempt to break it, and Jason was holding up surprisingly well.

“So, what’re you going to call yourself?” Adrien asked as he drummed his staff on it.

Jason thought for a minute and then smiled. “How about… Green Helmet?”

Marinette hit the force field too hard and the cane came back to hit her in the head, which could not be helping her growing headache.

She pursed her lips tightly as she lowered herself down into a chair. “You… you have a hood.”

“I disagree.”

“You can’t -- I’m literally a designer! My word is law! That’s a hood!”

“Nope.”

“Chaton! Tell him that’s a hood!”

Adrien sighed. “It’s a hood,” he agreed.

Everyone looked at Dick, who was beginning to look like he’d rather be anywhere else. He eyed the door out of the corner of his eyes as if wondering whether he could get away before they caught him.

He must have come to the conclusion that he couldn’t get there in time, because he gave his answer:

“It… could be a helmet if he wants it to be…”

Adrien rolled his eyes as the family erupted into an argument over what constitutes a hood versus what constitutes a helmet.

~

Marinette hummed lightly as she made brownies (she had faith, okay? No one was helping this time so it should work). Jason was sitting in a chair nearby, head resting on the back of it as he watched her.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” She asked. It was normal for Jason to watch her cook, he liked to keep his eye on food when he could, but he seemed almost… anxious. She could hear the gentle clinking of his rings as he messed with them.

“I… I want to buy something,” he said.

She dropped her bag of sugar into the bowl and hissed a string of curses as she looked at the now definitely ruined batter. Sure, she could technically go through and try to fix the ratios by adding more of everything else, but that would make enough brownies to feed a whole army --.

Wait a minute, what had he said?

Her eyes flicked to Jason. “Sorry? You want to buy something?”

He nodded with a tiny smile. “It’s a little expensive, I’m sorry, but… could we?”

Marinette was willing to buy a car if this kid asked, because he was ASKING HER TO BUY SOMETHING OH MY GOD, but she played it cool with a tiny nod.

“Sure, sweetie, let me just see how much it costs.”

He pulled up a picture on his phone and showed it to her.

It was a hardcover copy of an illustrated version of a book he liked. For forty dollars.

Okay, so he wasn’t asking for much, but it was still something! An improvement!

She smiled. “Sure, sweetie, I’ll get it next time I head out, okay?”

Jason beamed.

~

Adrien rolled his eyes when Dick flung himself across the couch dramatically.

“This isn’t faaaaiiiiir,” he whined.

He looked at his wife pleadingly and she clicked her tongue before lifting Dick’s head so she could sit down. She ran her fingers through her kid’s hair in an attempt to soothe him.

“He already knew a bit of self-defense when we met him so that was fine and we even gave extra time on training in his powers and with guns. We literally have no excuses for bringing him on at this point.”

“But I had to train for three years! He only had to do one!”

Jason grinned. “Maybe I’m just better.”

“Jay,” said Adrien exhaustedly.

“Or the favorite,” he added, his grin somehow growing.

“Jay!”

It was a good thing that Marinette had had a hold on Dick, because if she hadn’t he probably would have launched himself at his brother.

“You weren’t of age, he is,” she reminded him. “If you’d been old enough a year in then we would have let you do crime fighting, too.”

This was a lie, Dick had not been at all prepared after a year of training, but it made the kid smile so at least that was good.

Adrien stretched out from his spot in the window. “Right, we let Dick choose his first mission, what do you want to do first?”

Jason broke into a wide grin.

“There were some people who gave all the homeless kids trouble…”

~

They’d tracked the gang’s activities to a warehouse and had filed inside.

Adrien had helped Marinette carry their kids to the trusses above them (neither of their weapons had an easy way up, though they made mental notes to get them some kind of… grappling hook, maybe? It was a work in progress idea).

Dick shrouded them in shadows and muted the squeaking of their boots on the metal as they slowly made their way to the gang.

Adrien stretched his shoulders a little bit and then dangled his legs over to prepare himself for the jump down. Marinette and Dick copied his stance.

They looked at Jason, who gulped a little before copying the stance.

They hopped down as a family…

Because nothing says family bonding like murdering a bunch of gang members.

~

“Hey?”

Adrien looked up and frowned, alarm bells ringing in his ears. Jason was shuffling from foot to foot anxiously from his spot in the doorway. An anxious kid? This couldn’t be good...

“Yes, Jay?”

Jason messed with his rings.

“Since I’m going to be… here for a while, can we take the car to pick up my stuff?”

Adrien would have pinched himself to check if this was a dream if any of his dreams were ever this nice.

He dropped the book he was reading onto the bed and pushed himself up. “I -- wow! Okay! Of course!”

Jason gave an awkward smile.

Adrien tried not to smile too much as he followed the kid’s directions.

Mainly because this might dredge up bad memories for Jason, and he didn’t want to be too caught up in his euphoria of the kid genuinely accepting being part of the family to notice that he was shutting down.

But, to his surprise, Jason actually seemed just as excited.

They pulled up to a mostly abandoned looking greenhouse and Adrien raised his eyebrows slightly.

“What? I could grow myself food! It was good,” Jason defended himself.

He gave a smile, rolling his eyes. “Sorry, I was just trying to imagine you eating vegetables.”

Jason huffed a little bit and then held up a hand for Adrien to wait. He crouched down and then, after a bit of pushing, popped a pane of glass out of place. He set it down and then crawled through.

There was a bit of rustling inside and then the door swung open.

“Behold! My humble abode!”

Adrien raised his eyebrows as he stepped inside. ‘Humble’ was definitely the word for it…

His eyes scanned around and he had to hold back a frown at how little Jason had. There were a few plants. A bunch of vines and leaves had been piled together to make a makeshift ‘bed’ with a few blankets thrown overtop. A few random clothes were strewn about, all in varying states of shabbiness.

(There was also a bucket in the corner. Adrien was deciding to believe that it was for washing clothes.)

The only thing that Jason had really ‘had’ was the entire nook dedicated to books.

Adrien and Jason grabbed everything of importance to him and put it in the back of the car.

And then they started on their way home.

~~~

Taglist

@i-am-ironic @nathleigh @mialuvscats @golden-promises @sassakitty @deathwishy @toodaloo-kangaroo @ladythugs @moonlightstar64

#maribat #adrienette #marinette dupain cheng #ladybug #adrien agreste #chat noir #dick grayson #nightwing #jason todd #red hood #tim drake #red robin #cassandra cain #orphan #damian wayne #robin

[bubonickitten]

Summary: Jon goes back to before the world ended and tries to forge a different path.

Previous chapter: tumblr // AO3

Chapter 10 full text & content warnings below the cut.

CWs for Chapter 10: brief panic attack; some vague JonMartin apocalypse angst. SPOILERS through S5.

Chapter 10: Pending Arrival

It’s okay, Jon tells himself, forcing himself to breathe the way Martin taught him: Four seconds in; hold seven seconds; eight seconds out.

Well… okay, it’s not okay. It’s very, very not okay.

…but – four – it – five – will – six – be – seven… okay, exhale.

Some time later – eight minutes, thirty-six-point-eight seconds, he Knows, though he didn’t ask – his breathing evens out and his thoughts clear with it.

That interaction with Martin wasn’t unexpected. There’s little reason to expect things to be different this time around, especially this soon after Jon woke up. He knows this.

There is a wall between him and Martin right now, constructed from a lifetime of rejection and loneliness that Jon himself contributed to for far too long. It’s been recently expanded by a mountain of grief, loss, and mourning – what should have been years’ worth condensed into the last six months – and it’s been further reinforced by Peter Lukas’ manipulations.

It will take some time to coax Martin away from the Lonely. Hopefully it won’t take as long as it did the last time, especially now that Jon knows that the hypothetical threat of the Extinction is not as imminent as Peter claims, but still: Martin needs time and space. Besides, Jon simply can’t force the Lonely out of him with a few words and a prayer. Martin has to choose to reject it of his own volition, or it will always cling to him.

And most importantly: Martin deserves to make his own choice. Jon has no right to take that from him, any more than he did when they passed through the Lonely’s domain.

It would have been nice to be able to physically see Martin, though. Or even just hear his voice outside of his own head. Memories can only provide so much reassurance, and for so long.

Jon had every intention of continuing yesterday’s strategy meeting this afternoon, but already his brief conversation with Georgie and painfully brief interaction with Martin have left him fatigued. The migraine he had expected yesterday failed to reach fruition, but the threat of it still lingers, accompanied by a painless but still unpleasant sensation of pressure in his head, making him feel off-kilter. As of right now, he can still pull on the Archive to speak. Sitting down and strategizing, though, is another matter entirely. Planning ahead has never been part of his skill set. Anxiety, sleep deprivation, and a supernaturally-imparted speech impediment aren’t doing him any favors.

“Let me guess: you’re out of commission.”

Basira looks him up and down, taking in his hunched gargoyle posture in his desk chair, his half-lidded eyes, his restless hands: one resting uneasily on top of his desk, fingers twitching and tapping with no discernible rhythm; the other wound up in the scarf Georgie gave him, still draped over his shoulders.

Jon can’t tell what characterizes her more in this moment: frustration with him, or simple exhaustion. Despite his own hypersensitivity to how others perceive him, he has a feeling that in this moment, it’s the latter.

“I think it can wait until tomorrow,” says Georgie, perched on the edge of Jon’s desk.

“Fine,” Basira concedes. “Tomorrow, then.” She knocks twice on the doorframe. When Jon looks up on reflex, she catches his eye. “Get some actual sleep tonight, Jon. It’s not just your personal mental health on the line here.”

“She is right about you needing to sleep,” Georgie says as Basira leaves. He avoids eye contact. “I’m serious. You look exhausted. I can get you a sleep aid –” Jon shakes his head slowly. “Why?”

With a sudden burst of energy, Jon stands, grabs her hand, and leads her to the entrance to the tunnels. He waits until they’ve both descended the ladder and the trapdoor is closed behind them before he turns to her and blurts out:

“…too afraid to go to sleep.”

“I can sit next to you while you fall asleep if you –”

“…would serve no purpose except to start me having the nightmares again,” he mumbles, sinking into the nearest chair.

“You’ve been having those for a long time now,” Georgie says, following his lead and sitting across from him. “And you’ve figured out how to cope with them. What’s actually scaring you?”

Jon bites his lower lip and bows his head.

“Then I would watch – once again –”

“– paralyzed with fear –”

“– tried to scream but I couldn’t find my breath, I couldn’t move –”

“– I couldn’t talk to anyone –”

“– unable to move its body, though – its eyes darting around wildly –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help –”

“– unable to look away –”

“– could only stare at him as he slowly, achingly crawled towards his doom –”

“– being unable to reach him –”

“– stare at it, knowing how your – friend suffers, knowing how powerless you are to help –”

“Slow down. You’re worried you’ll go back to how you were before?”

“…could only watch from the sidelines, getting a… a –”

He stops, leaning forward with his head in his hands.

“What is it, Jon?”

“And the worst part was that, somewhere in me, I – I liked it –”

“– it drew me in almost as much as it disgusted me –”

“– getting a… a sad vicarious thrill from –”

“– when people look at me… that fear“ – Jon’s breath hitches – “it feels amazing.”

He looks up at Georgie.

“Underneath all that awful fear, it felt like… home,” he whispers in a haunted tone. The shame crashes over him and he breaks eye contact, ducking his head again.

Georgie is quiet for a long moment. Then, she leans forward, reaches out, and takes his hand. He flinches and freezes.

“It sounds to me like you don’t want to like it,” she says. “People sometimes have feelings and urges that they aren’t proud of. Things that would hurt other people, if acted on.” She takes a breath. “But… I think it says more about a person’s character when they fight back against it.”

“…a presence within myself, inside my being –”

“– will strip us of what it means to be human, and leave us something alien and cold.”

“I know your circumstances are… different –”

“…it was the product of an otherworldly evil and called to me,” he says miserably.

“I know,” she says again. “There’s something in you, something that came from outside of yourself, and it’s trying to change you. Consume you.”

“…should have fought harder against the temptation –”

“But you’re fighting it now, aren’t you? You want things to be different.”

“I suppose I had to believe that the darkened natures of our terror could be kept in check – a rather feeble hope, for my own salvation –”

“– as if it might ward whatever awful thing waited inside that door.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s a feeble hope. This is the most sure I’ve ever seen you be about anything.” She jostles his hand until he looks up at her. “You’re not a bad person, Jon. You’re taking extreme steps to make sure you don’t hurt anyone. It might not change the things you’ve done in the past, but neither will beating yourself up over it.”

Jon laughs, wincing when it comes out sounding a bit tear-choked.

“I try to think that I’ve left my past behind, but that sort of denial doesn’t help me sleep.”

“Maybe not. But you don’t have to deny the past in order to move beyond it. You can remember your mistakes and learn from them without letting them define you. And I think… I think you’re going to have to do that, if you want to move forward.” After a moment, Jon nods. Apparently unconvinced, Georgie adds: “Also, I don’t know if you need to be told this, but getting better means actually taking care of yourself.”

Jon chuckles at that, some of his tension bleeding away. “Thank you for indulging me, you’ve been very patient.”

“Stop that. You’d do the same for me. You have done the same for me.” He opens his mouth to argue. “Yeah, you’re not great at comforting people, I know. But I’ve seen you try.”

He must still look dubious, because Georgie sighs heavily.

“Do you remember when I was going through that medication change in uni?”

Jon nods warily.

It had been before they started dating. Jon has never made friends easily, but somehow Georgie had managed to tolerate his company long enough for him to start letting his guard down. At that point in his life, she really was the only one who he could confidently call a friend.

So when the antidepressant she had been on for over a year lost effectiveness and she had to start the arduous process of finding a new one, Jon had a front row seat to a depressive episode – and he felt irretrievably lost. He had no script to follow; he worried incessantly that he was making things worse, that he wasn’t making himself useful enough, that he was intruding on her personal space and she just didn’t have the energy to tell him the truth. He would pace restlessly and trip over his words and lapse into uncomfortable silences, wringing his hands and brooding – being more of a nuisance than a help, he was certain.

“You didn’t know how to help,” Georgie says, as if reading his mind. “You couldn’t make me better. I could tell it was driving you mad, not having an answer, because there was no simple answer. It was just… something that had to be lived through, coped with – and you’ve never been able to tolerate that concept, I know. You’re not good at waiting.” Jon huffs – only because she’s right. “But,” Georgie says emphatically, “you spent time with me, even though I was no fun. Brought me takeaway, set alarms to remind yourself to ask me if I’d taken my meds, did all this – this reading and research on how to support a loved one in crisis, which was” – she chuckles – “very you.”

Jon focuses intently on the weave of his scarf, petting it absently with his free hand, tracing the knit with his fingertips.

“You stayed anyway, even though you were uncomfortable. You didn’t say as much, but you’re fairly obvious when you’re anxious. At one point I told you I didn’t want you to fix it, I just didn’t want to be alone, and… you respected that. Which surprised me, to be honest. I was certain you’d be stubborn about it, act like you knew better than me.” Jon smiles at that. It was a fair assumption for her to make, especially back then. “Probably never would’ve considered dating you if you hadn’t proven me wrong then.”

“Until he became me –“

“– moody, short-tempered, constantly on edge.”

He gives Georgie a wry look as he says it, though, and she laughs.

“You’ve always been moody and on edge, including then. That wasn’t a new development that grew up overnight. What I’m saying is you’ve never been just that – which is why I have expectations of you, because I know what you’re capable of.” She gives him a serious look. “Like I told you years ago, you need to stop seeing things in black-and-white – including when it’s about you. Not everything has a clear-cut answer. You’d be happier if you could make peace with that.”

“And he was aware of it always – could not disagree,” Jon says with an exaggerated eye roll.

“Of course I’m right,” she quips back. “But you’re trying, and that’s all I ask.”

The ensuing silence is a comfortable one. Jon uses the lapse as an opportunity to search for a way to ask after Melanie.

“Statement of Georgina Barker regarding –”

Jon pauses. There’s really no way of saying the next part without accidentally drawing on more than one statement, but… Georgie is safe, and the phrase only appears a couple of times in the Archive, so it shouldn’t be too powerful.

“Statement of Melanie King.”

There is a reverb to the words, but the lightheadedness that comes with it is mild and passes quickly. Georgie appears to notice the odd tenor of his voice, tilting her head slightly to track the sound, but she doesn’t pursue it.

“You’re asking how Melanie is?”

“I wanted to check in with them, find out what happened.”

“She’s… having a rough day. I don’t think it’s my place to say more than that.”

Jon nods again: I understand. Then, he repeats again: “Statement of Georgina Barker.”

Georgie leans forward, elbow on knee, chin propped up by her fist. Her other hand continues to hold Jon’s, but she loosens her grip somewhat. The crease between her eyebrows is familiar to him – Georgie is taking her time to inventory her thoughts before speaking. He waits.

“I’m… hm. It’s been a lot to process,” she says carefully. “I think I’m doing okay for the moment? I’m mostly worried about Melanie. I’ve been worried about Melanie, but… after what you said about quitting – it’s complicated things a bit. It’s – it’s something we needed to know,” she adds, seeing Jon’s guilty expression. “I’m glad you were honest with us. Actually, I think Melanie was surprised that you told us about the, ah, second way to quit. It… hmm. It doesn't fit with the image she has of you.” Jon snorts at the delicate phrasing, and Georgie gives him a sheepish smile. “Sorry, but she still thinks you’re a self-serving prick.”

Jon shrugs, unperturbed. He already knew that, and it’s not like he’s done much to dissuade Melanie of that assessment. Not yet, anyway.

“Oh, but she told me to reassure you that she isn’t going to kill you in your sleep, so that’s something? I told her that’s not why you pulled an all-nighter, but she said to let you know anyway.”

Jon laughs, and Georgie’s eyes crinkle when she returns a smile. After a moment, though, it fades.

“I did want to ask, though… did Melanie find out how to quit in your future as well?” Jon nods. “In that case – I’m not sure if you were planning on it, but in case you were… don’t tell me just yet what her decision was where you came from. I’ve been tempted to ask, but I haven’t talked it over with Melanie yet, and I think that’s her call to make. Okay?” Jon nods again. “And… she’s still angry with you – with a lot of things, really, but especially this place, and she sees you as inseparable from it.”

“They’re not entirely wrong,” Jon accedes.

“I did talk to her about it. She asked me to let you know that she does want to talk to you – I know she has some questions to ask – but that she doesn’t want you near her right now. She’s trying to sort through her feelings towards you – figure out how much of it is a you problem versus a her problem versus a both-of-you problem. She needs some space to do that. And it’s not the only thing she’s working through right now.”

Jon can appreciate that. Honestly, it’s better than he could have hoped for. Last time around, Melanie had eventually softened on him, had even tentatively called him a friend – but at that point, everything in his life felt like too little too late, and she deserved better than to have him poison her life again. He really had only been looking for someone to help him parse Martin’s intentions – Jon has always struggled with anything less than direct, explicit communication – but Georgie was right to be angry with him. Regardless of his intentions, he was inseparable from the Institute; there was no way for him to ask for advice that didn’t involve dragging Melanie back into exactly the kind of toxicity she was trying to escape.

When he left that day, it was with the intention of staying out of both of their lives from then on. They both set a firm boundary, and they deserved to have it respected. But he had plenty of time to brood during the apocalypse, and there were so many things left unsaid between him and Melanie and Georgie. Even if the world hadn’t ended, he probably wouldn’t have approached them again – they seemed happy, and showing up on their doorstep to talk, even if it was just to apologize, would have only been for his own benefit. It wouldn’t have felt right to intrude on them again and open up old wounds just for the sake of securing closure for himself.

Now, though? Truth be told, he could use some space, himself. He’s rehearsed it many times before – all the things he might say to the people in his life, both living and dead, if he had a chance to see them again – but now that he actually has that chance, everything he’s drafted in his head feels inadequate. It may take some time to get his thoughts in order before sitting down and openly discussing his and Melanie’s fraught relationship.

“So… Martin?” Georgie says, snapping Jon out of his thoughts. “Have you seen him yet?”

Jon makes an uncertain tilting motion with his hand, finding no succinct way to explain that yes, he did have a brief encounter with Martin, but it was a one-sided conversation, and Jon expected as much, but it still hurt; and moreover, Martin was invisible when he visited, no doubt intending to just see for himself that Jon was awake, check in on how he was doing without being noticed; and Jon wishes he had been able to do the same, to have some irrefutable physical reassurance that Martin is alive and real and here and now, because it’s been so long, and…

“…he seemed determined to avoid – me,” Jon settles on instead.

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

“I need him to be okay –”

“– the easy, charming man I’d fall in love with.”

“Oh,” Georgie says, sounding stunned. Jon meets her eyes and gives her a quizzical look. “I just – knowing you, I figured you’d still be in denial about how infatuated you are? Or, at best, you’d grudgingly admit you maybe, possibly had a little crush? I was not expecting a declaration of love.”

“Everything about being with him felt so natural that when he told me he loved me, it only came as a surprise to realize that we hadn’t said it already –”

“– and together it seemed like we would get past our pain.”

“Holy shit,” Georgie murmurs. “You’re absolutely besotted. I mean, I knew you were, you talked about him all the time and you’re not as subtle as you think you are – but actually acknowledging it?”

“…honestly it’s one of the few decisions I’ve ever made that I completely understand,” Jon replies, not bothering to hide his small smile.

“Wow. You’ve… changed more than I thought.” Georgie mirrors his expression, but then she falters, chewing the inside of her cheek for a moment. “Can I ask how it – if it…” Jon’s smile fades too, but he makes a beckoning gesture: It’s okay; go on. “Regardless of whether things worked out between you, I… well, I have a hard time thinking you’d come back to this time if it meant leaving him behind in your future?”

Jon looks down at their linked hands, expressionless as he begins to construct a response.

“I’ll skip over the bit where –”

“– taking me in his arms and giving me the last and longest hug I would ever get from him –”

“– he was gone. Just gone. And I was alone again. There was no one I could talk to about it –”

“– I had plenty of time to mourn him –”

“– it took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor, as I slowly dragged myself away from the edge of my lonely grave.”

Georgie gives his hand a reassuring squeeze, which he returns gratefully.

“I’m so sorry,” she says. “For what it’s worth, I… I’m glad you have this second chance. You… are going to tell him how you feel this time as well, right?”

Obviously, he wants to say, but it’s not as simple as he wishes it was. He frowns thoughtfully as he searches for a way to explain the situation.

“…he’s been so lonely –”

“– embraced the loneliness like an old friend –”

“– for a creature of the Lonely, the urge is to isolate, never to communicate or connect –”

“– I wanted to say something reassuring, to reach out and let him know I was still there –”

“But it was like this last time you woke up, too.” She waits for his affirmative before continuing: “So you can do it again.”

“…I managed it eventually, but my inability to speak –”

“– I found him difficult to talk to at length.”

“But,” she persists, “you aren’t going to give up, right?”

“…I knew he would return eventually,” Jon says.

“Good,” Georgie says with a relieved, somewhat exasperated sigh. “I swear to god, if you’d gotten fatalistic right there, I’d have had some words for you.” Jon chuckles. “Seriously, though – you’ll figure this out. You’ve always been stubborn. Every now and then, it’s even an asset.”

“I’m grateful to her, of course.”

“Again, don’t mention it. As long as you keep trying, I’ll support you. I might set limits on how much I’m willing to get involved with the actual supernatural bits – I haven’t decided just yet – but when I need to step back, I’ll tell you. I’m not going to ghost you just because you don’t grovel.”

Jon groans at the pun, which gets a self-satisfied grin out of Georgie.

“Oh, shut up. It was a good one.”

Right, I forgot: comatose people don’t need pens, Jon thinks irritably to himself the next day, turning his office upside down looking for a writing utensil.

He’s so thoroughly preoccupied with rummaging through his desk that he doesn’t notice Basira standing in the doorway until she clears her throat, startling him so badly that he jumps and slams one of his fingers in the drawer. He yelps in pain and pulls his hand back, shaking it out to distract from the throbbing. A moment later, the realization crosses his mind that it’s the same finger he’d tried to cut off the last time he was here.

It’s a coincidence, he tells himself before his mind can wander too far down the rabbit hole. He has enough to worry about without getting caught up in the hypotheticals of time travel and sci-fi tropes about the changeability of the past. Besides, the Coffin hasn't even arrived yet; there are still a few weeks before the original date of his failed self-amputation attempts.

“Sorry,” Basira says, eyebrows raised. “Didn’t mean to scare you. Honestly, I figured you’d just know I was here.” Jon has nothing to say to that. Trying to explain the fine details of Knowing has never been a pleasant experience, and he couldn’t tackle that subject now even if he’d wanted to. “What are you looking for, anyway?”

“…think of me as an idiot who turned up to give a statement without a pen,” Jon says distractedly, opening another drawer and sifting through it. “I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Pens?” Jon nods without looking up. “Yeah, I threw them all out – don’t give me that look, Jon. Half of them didn’t even work, and the others looked like a puppy’s chew toy. Anyway, most of what I threw out in here got touched by the Flesh. You didn’t want any of it back, trust me.” Jon grimaces. “Yeah. Anyway, there are boxes in the supply closet – but I think I can do you one better.”

She tosses something at him. He notices the movement belatedly and just barely manages to catch the thing, nearly dropping it.

“Guess knowing things also doesn’t extend to being able to catch without fumbling,” Basira deadpans.

Jon looks down at the phone in his hands, then back up at Basira.

“Got the Institute to cover it as a work expense. I have no idea where the one you had before the Unknowing ended up; I’m assuming it blew up along with everything else.” Basira leans back against the doorframe. “I’m sure texting will go about as well for you as typing has, but Georgie downloaded a few AAC apps for you to try.”

He gives Basira a tentative smile.

“You’re welcome,” she says with a curt nod. The look she gives him then is curious – almost like she’s still trying to get a read on him, debating how much closeness she can risk. Then her guard goes back up and her tone turns authoritative again. “You can practice with them later. Meeting’s in a half-hour.”

Before Jon can respond, Basira turns and leaves.

It’s uncertain how the Archive will take to this newest workaround, but there’s only one way to find out.

“Here, let me take –”

Jon unceremoniously drops the box of statements down through the trapdoor, where it hits the ground below with a dull thud and a puff of dust.

“…or not,” Georgie finishes.

“Was that really necessary?” Basira calls from the bottom of the ladder.

Completely pointless, Jon thinks to himself a bit giddily, ignoring the stabbing pain in his temples with relish. The Beholding can complain all it wants about him mishandling statements; right now, he’s too tired and too delirious to care.

He’d had plenty of time during the apocalypse to develop methods of coping with the Eye’s intrusiveness. The most emotionally satisfying one he’d happened upon basically amounted to random acts of spite. It had no material effect on anything – aside from triggering varying degrees of headaches, but he already got those anyway. It was no different than a petulant child slamming a bedroom door, but it gave him that fleeting feeling of being in control of something, and it felt good.

“Let me go first,” Georgie says. He gives her a questioning look. “You’re using a cane, Jon. There’s a fifty percent chance you’re going to fall on your ass going down that ladder, and I’d rather keep you out of the hospital for the rest of the year.” Jon averts his eyes and frowns. She must interpret it as reluctance, because she clarifies: “You need a spotter.”

Jon signals agreement and she starts down the ladder ahead of him.

The thing is, he wasn’t trying to contradict her. It’s just… well, he’s still getting used to the idea of being cared for again, especially when it comes to insignificant things. Yes, his leg is acting up today, but it’s not that bad – the cane is just to keep it from getting any worse. And if he did fall, it’s not like it would kill him. It would be inconvenient, unpleasant, and probably embarrassing, but too temporary to really register on his distress scale.

Anyway, he’s grown desensitized to physical pain. Or… no, that’s not quite right. What he’s desensitized to isn’t the pain itself, but the experience of being harmed. He’s come to expect it, and these days only the only permanent injuries he receives are those inflicted by one of the Powers. Everything else heals too quickly and completely to feel consequential. Most things don’t even scar anymore, and those that do – well, what’s one more scar?

He knows it’s not a healthy mindset. Even before the world ended, he’d come to regard his body with a sense of detachment. In retrospect, he should’ve known that his rib wouldn’t work as an anchor. Most days, his body didn’t even feel like it belonged to him. Then, as if to confirm that inkling, Jonah possessed him; the Watcher’s eyes started manifesting on and around him; his presence became synonymous with the Eye to anyone who beheld him. He confirmed on several occasions that he wasn’t able to die. Even the Hunt couldn’t kill him. Jon would end one day, like everything else, but a mundane physical death was beyond him.

He doesn’t Know if that’s still the case now, and he’s too afraid to ask.

So, yes: he’s developed a cavalier attitude towards personal safety. Avoiding minor injuries feels almost on the same level as what temperature the water is before he steps into the shower: relevant in terms of his own comfort, but otherwise unimportant. He’s always spared little thought as to his own comfort, and it’s only gotten worse since becoming the Archivist. And the apocalypse didn’t exactly have much to offer in the way of comfort anyway, especially after…

Jon cringes as he stops to reflect on that train of thought. It took him fewer than thirty seconds to rationalize… well, Martin would have called it self-harm. Or self-sabotage, at the least. Georgie probably would, too, if she could see inside his mind right now. His judgment of what counts as worthy of concern is decidedly skewed, especially to an outside observer. It was easy to justify it to himself when it was just him alone at the end of the world, but employing a mindset forged in hopelessness and tailored to a doomed future is only going to be maladaptive here and now.

He should probably take some time later to unpack all of that. It would be easier if he could write it all out; it’s always difficult to keep track of his own thoughts without a visual aid, but –

“Jon?” Georgie calls up to him. “You can come down now.”

Deal with it later, he tells himself, tossing his cane down for Georgie to catch. As he makes his way down the ladder, his leg does twinge a bit, but it holds his weight well enough, and he reaches the bottom without incident.

“Where’s Melanie?” Basira asks.

“Resting,” Georgie says, handing Jon his cane. “She had a bad morning. I’ll fill her in on everything later.”

“Fine.” Basira nudges the box with her foot. “What’s this then?”

“Statements,” Georgie says. She’d watched Jon throw them haphazardly into the box before coming down here. “Not sure why, though.”

Jon moves the box to one of the chairs that they left in the tunnel last night. It isn’t too heavy – just some pertinent statements and tapes that he thought might make this discussion flow more smoothly. Taking a seat in the next chair over, he removes the lid from the box and begins rummaging.

“Statement of Joshua Gillespie, regarding his time in possession of an apparently empty wooden casket,” Jon says after a moment, holding up a folder labeled CASE #9982211 and containing the respective written statement. One page sticks out crookedly, and Jon’s heart skips a beat when he recognizes Tim’s handwriting. This had been one of his cases to follow up on.

He shakes his head and sets the folder aside, reaching into the box for the corresponding tape. Instead, his fingertips brush against a different loose cassette, and his breath catches in his throat.

“Statement of Detective Alice ‘Daisy’ Tonner,” he says quietly, removing the cassette. “Traffic stop of a delivery van.”

“This is the statement Daisy gave you?” Basira says. “She said you compelled her.”

“I didn’t realize that was what had happened until afterwards,” Jon says softly. He pulls a tape recorder from his pocket and gives Basira a questioning look.

“Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, go ahead.”

Jon inserts the cassette and fast-forwards, stopping when he Knows he’s reached the right timestamp. His own recorded voice begins to play.

“If you don’t mind me asking, h-h-how long have you been sectioned now –”

“I do mind,” comes Daisy’s clipped voice. Then, immediately: “Fourteen years.”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to make a statement?”

“About what?”

“Whatever you like. Fourteen years – you must have seen a number of paranormal things.”

“And you want me to tell you about them.”

“Uh – I-I-I-I-I –”

“Okay,” says Daisy.

“What?”

“Okay. I’ll give you a statement about – how I got my first Section 31.” A beat. “You look surprised.”

“I mean, I was largely asking as a formality. Basira didn’t give me the impression you were the sharing sort.”

“Maybe you caught me in a good mood.”

“Right, well… good. Do you need me to go over our non-disclosure policy –”

“Not as long as you understand my policy: if it gets out, I’ll break every bone in your body.”

“There are worse things that could happen to them,” the Jon on the tape mutters.

Jon hits stop and looks up at Basira. There’s a sheen to her eyes; he does her the courtesy of looking away and not drawing attention to it. After a long few seconds, she clears her throat. When she speaks, her voice is even and impassive.

“So you really didn’t know you were compelling people back then.”

“…he had no idea what was about to happen to him.”

He probably should have noticed sooner, but he was always so fixated on listening to the answer to a question that he paid comparatively little attention to the asking of it. Insensitive of him, really – far too like the detached fascination of the Ceaseless Watcher, in retrospect. The reality that he had the power to compel others didn’t really sink in until after his conversation with Jude.

Jon notices belatedly that the other two are watching him expectantly. He hadn’t planned on playing Daisy’s tape first, but since he already has it prepared to go, he fast-forwards to the beginning of her statement and lets it play through to the end. No one makes any comment in the few seconds it takes for him to swap the cassette out for Joshua Gillespie’s statement.

“So the Coffin makes people want to enter it,” Basira says as the second statement ends. “Is that why you went in, the first time? You were compelled?”

Jon shakes his head no. Daisy had asked him the same question last time. It’s true that the Coffin called to him, but its compulsion never got beneath his skin – not like that of the Beholding or the Web. In the end, going into the Buried was his decision.

“Why, then?”

“…survivor’s guilt,” Jon says. “I should be dead, really – it’s hard to reconcile yourself with avoiding a death that you feel should have been yours.”

There was more to it, though. He takes a minute to rifle through statements, to piece together his state of mind the first time he entered the Buried.

“I felt a great deal of guilt over my involvement with –”

“– the path of the Eye –”

“– when they looked at me, their eyes were full of – anger – blame –”

“– looked at me with a mixture of hate and helpless terror, as though I could do something to fix it –”

“– cut off effectively all human contact –”

“– I decided I had to do something – anything to get out of the fog –”

“– to lose myself in something that is not the absence of humanity –”

“– desperate to remind myself that I could still feel something –”

“– desperate for any human connection.”

He pauses for a breath. Looking back, if Jon hadn’t been so thoroughly claimed by the Beholding already, he may have been a candidate for the Lonely himself back then. Peter Lukas didn’t have to lift a finger.

“I was starting to fear that if I didn’t manage to do something –”

“– I would lose myself – forever –”

“– I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least try –”

“– it was – the most human part of it remaining –”

“– to act, to help, to do something –”

“– I need to not lose any more bits of me –”

“– and worst comes to worst –”

“– at least I felt useful.”

Georgie’s eyes are on him now, reading between the lines.

“Did you even have a plan? Or did you just… rush in by yourself, not even tell anyone?” He nods. “Which?” He gives Georgie a pointed look, nodding a second time. “Both? Figures. Don’t know why I bothered asking, really.”

“…but this time was different,” he assures her.

“How did you get out?” Basira asks.

“It took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor.”

“Meaning?”

“…her anchor. The thing weighing her down, tying her to this world,” he tries again.

“Something to ground you,” Georgie says questioningly.

“…to make finding my way back – that much easier.”

“And you can do the same thing this time?” Basira waits for his confirmation before moving on. “What about the delivery itself?”

Jon pulls out another folder and cassette, both labeled CASE #9961505.

“Statement of Alfred Breekon, regarding a new pair of workers at his delivery company.”

“Breekon and Hope?” Basira asks.

Jon nods, inserts the tape, and depresses the play button.

“They’ve been in a few statements, haven’t they?” Basira says afterwards, forehead creased in thought.

As an answer, Jon removes one last cassette from the box before tilting it forward to reveal a handful of case files sliding around at the bottom. All of them contain minor references either to Breekon and Hope or the Coffin, but none of them struck him as significant enough to bother bringing the accompanying tapes.

The remaining cassette in his hand, label reading CASE #0020406, is only relevant for the last minute or so of the recording: Martin’s encounter with Breekon and Hope on the day they delivered the NotThem’s table and the Web’s lighter. Jon pops it into the recorder, fast-forwards to the relevant timestamp, and hits play. Breekon and Hope’s voices echo in the tunnel, finishing each other’s sentences in an uncanny back-and-forth volley.

“Hm.” Basira frowns. “And they just… got into the Archives without anyone seeing them?” Jon nods. “I’m assuming we can expect the same this time?" Another nod, but Jon holds up two fingers, gives Basira a meaningful look, and then puts one down. “Only one of them.”

“Statement of the surviving half of the being calling itself ‘Breekon and Hope,’” Jon says. Then: “When that Hunter killed him – took him from me, made us a me – the casket – was waiting – I fed her to it.”

“Do we have to worry about a fight?”

Jon shakes his head no. “We did not kill them, did not lift a finger. We were bringers of their awful fate, not its executors – and we both tasted it together.” He fast-forwards the statement in his head. “I am without him now – can feel myself fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver. But I am no longer tied to the casket, so you can have it – climb in, and join her.”

“So we just, what, let it deliver the thing and leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed –”

“– fading, weak, no reason to move, nothing to deliver.”

“And then you go in.”

Jon nods. There are more details, of course, but the basics of his plan are the same as they were last time: equip himself with Daisy’s tape, follow the pull of her voice, rely on his anchor to find the way back – albeit hopefully with fewer hiccups this time.

Or fewer lost ribs, at least, now that he has a better grasp on anchors.

Several days later, a visitor arrives in the Archives, albeit not the one they’ve been expecting.

Head pillowed in his arms on his desk, dozing and half-conscious, Jon is roused from a shallow sleep by voices in the hallway, filtering through the open crack in the door.

“This area is off-limits,” Basira is saying.

“I’m just looking for the Head Archivist. Jonathan Sims? He still works here, doesn’t he?”

Is that…

“What do you want with Jon?” Georgie’s voice, sounding genuinely curious, but anyone familiar with her would recognize the protective edge to it.

“Look, is he here or isn’t he?”

It is.

Rubbing bleary eyes and shaking off the remaining wisps of brain fog, Jon stands, his joints cracking in protest. He grabs his cane, heads for the door, and peeks out into the hallway.

Naomi Herne is here, standing in the doorway at the bottom of the stairs between the Archives and the rest of the Institute. She looked his way when she heard the creak of the door opening, and their eyes meet for a brief moment before he reflexively averts his gaze.

“Jon?” She sidesteps Basira and Georgie and starts walking towards him.

He digs in his pockets and brings out his phone. So far, the AAC app has turned out to be a decent workaround. Prolonged use will still give him a headache in much the same way that communicating through illustration does, but it’s helpful for making specific requests, asking direct questions, and conveying simple or general concepts. He’ll accept a headache if it means not being forced to use some convoluted metaphor just to say I don’t know or I’m short-circuiting, please give me some space or I’m going to make tea; would you like some?

“YOU ARE – HERE,” comes the computerized voice as he prods at the screen. “WHY.”

For a long moment, Naomi says nothing, staring at the phone in his hand.

“It’s been over a week since I last saw you,” she says slowly. “At first I thought it must be because you woke up – which was a good guess, it seems – but then days went by and no dreams, and… I was worried.” Jon tilts his head, confused. “What’s with that look?”

Jon opens and closes his mouth a few times, debating on whether to reach for a statement. It feels wrong to be dishonest with her, and a hopeful part of him suggests that Naomi wouldn’t react too badly. She’s seen worse from him, and none of that seems to have scared her away, so…

“…I wasn’t worth worrying about.”

Naomi rolls her eyes. “Why are you so stubborn?”

Georgie laughs at that. When Naomi glances in her direction, she starts approaching the two of them, apparently satisfied that Naomi isn’t a threat. Likewise, Basira drifts off down the hall and into the break room. She leaves the door open, though – Jon Knows she still wants to listen in, just in case.

“He’s always been like this,” Georgie says.

“Figures,” Naomi says, then looks back at Jon. “So, why haven’t you been around? Did you find a way to sever the dreams, or…?” Jon shakes his head no. “Then what?”

“It’s not like I sleep enough to worry about dreams,” he says evasively.

Naomi opens her mouth to reply and at that moment Jon’s phone goes off. He nearly drops the thing as he fumbles to dismiss the alarm. Once the noise is silenced, Jon sighs and looks at Georgie.

“You want me to…?” Jon nods, giving her permission to speak on his behalf. “Okay then.”

Georgie looks at Naomi.

“Jonathan” – Jon huffs at the use of his full name – “has been depriving himself of sleep. But no matter how stubborn he is, he’s still human.” Georgie gives him a stern look, daring him to contradict her. He doesn’t; it isn’t worth getting into this discussion, especially in front of Naomi. “Now he’s started nodding off in spite of himself, he’s been forced to admit that he can’t go without sleep forever – but instead of actually sleeping, he’s decided that the best course of action is to just set alarms at forty-five minute intervals, to wake him up before he enters REM sleep. Which means he’s not getting any restful sleep.” She looks at Jon and smiles disarmingly. “Does that about cover it?”

Jon rolls his eyes – she really didn’t need to offer the detail about his new alarm routine – but he nods all the same.

“And why don’t you want to sleep?” Naomi asks.

“The only thing that worried me was sleeping. I think it gave me bad dreams,” he says.

“Not to be rude, but…” Naomi hesitates before blurting out: “Why are you talking like that?”

“He’s been having… some speech difficulties,” Georgie says, glancing at Jon. He makes a circular motion with one hand: It’s fine; go ahead. “Ever since he woke up, he’s only able to speak in quotes from the statements? It’s… challenging, to say the least.”

“Ah,” Naomi says, chipper, “just some new spooky developments, then.”

Out of habit, Jon glares at her for her word choice, but there’s no real ire in it. If anything, it’s a relief to find that Naomi’s attitude toward him seems unchanged despite said new spooky developments.

“But…” Naomi frowns. “You’ve been having these dreams for two years now, and you said you’ve mostly gotten them sorted. So how is sleeping now any different from the last few months?”

“He’s afraid that things will go back to the way they were before.”

“O…kay,” Naomi says slowly, “but you told me that most of the others have already learned to stop the nightmare sequence without you. And everyone knows now that you aren’t as scary as you look – which, by the way, is it weird that by now it's almost more unsettling to see you with only two eyes? Sorry, not the point. The point is, it won’t be the same as it was before.”

Jon stares fixedly at a scratch on the floor. Left over from the Flesh attack, maybe? He could Know, but –

Focus, he tells himself before his thoughts can wander too far afield.

He isn’t sure how to explain that the other dreamers may not be as forgiving or fearless as Naomi is. Even if they were to find it in themselves to overlook a relapse, even if they don’t start viewing him the way they did before… the prospect of having his bodily autonomy stripped from him again is more than enough to fill him with dread.

It feels too much like the way the hunger pulls him inexorably toward a victim. It will probably feel like how it does when the Archive takes control. And it will definitely feel like it did when he was made a conduit for the Watcher’s Crown. Jonah wearing him like a glove. Locking him in place, forcing his eyes open, hijacking his voice. Making him into a possession, only to cast him aside like a broken toy once he had served his purpose.

“– Jon?”

With some effort, he drags himself back to the present.

“Something not moving but that wants to move. Wants to be free –”

“– stopped being able to move under his own power – walk him like a puppet – directed and controlled –”

“– unable to move – to cry for help.”

Hands shaking, he inputs a response on his phone.

“I AM – SCARED.”

“That’s… okay, that sounds properly horrifying,” Naomi admits. “But you don’t know for sure that’s what’ll happen, right?” Grudgingly, Jon shakes his head no. “So you could be fretting over nothing.”

“So far, so normal, right?”

“Smartass,” Naomi says, but with good humor. “Still, you can’t go without sleep forever – you’re going to have to face it eventually. You may as well get it over with sooner rather than later, and then you’ll know for sure. If nothing else, you’ll get some sleep out of it. But,” she says with a longsuffering sigh, “I have a feeling you’re going to keep pushing it, so…” She holds out her hand and crooks her fingers. “Phone. I’m adding my number to your contacts.”

It isn’t until Jon hands it over that he even consciously processes her words.

“Just so you know,” Georgie says, “he can’t really text, either. Unless it’s in statements.”

“That’s fine,” Naomi says, typing rapidly with her thumbs. “You can just reply with emojis or whatever, Jon. Just something to let me know you’re still alive.” She hands the phone back to him. “And this way I can send you pictures of the Duchess.”

Jon perks up at that.

“The Duchess?” Georgie asks.

“Yep. Adopted a cat last week.” Naomi’s smile is wider than Jon has ever seen it. “She’s settling in nicely,” she says to him before looking back to Georgie. “I almost changed her name, but Jon insisted I leave it as is. Said I shouldn’t deprive her of a title she’d rightfully earned.”

Georgie snorts. “He said the same about the Admiral.”

“Oh, you must be Georgie, then? I’ve heard a lot about… uh –”

“Don’t worry; I’m well aware you’ve heard more about the Admiral than me. Pretty sure Jon prefers his company to mine half the time.” She ignores the indignant look Jon shoots her and holds out her phone to Naomi. “Jon was notoriously terrible at answering texts even before all of… this. Feel free to direct any, ‘Is Jonathan Sims still alive?’ queries to me.”

Jon watches in bewilderment as the two of them exchange numbers. Not for the first time, he wonders how this kind of socializing seems to come so naturally to other people.

“I also wouldn’t mind seeing a photo of the Duchess.”

“What about a group text?” Naomi says. “Spooky-free zone, cat-related updates only. Everyone gets their daily dose of cat antics, I get to honestly tell my therapist that I’m not self-isolating, and Jon can just like things to let me know he’s still breathing. Three birds, one stone.”

“Good idea.” Georgie gives Jon an exacting look. “It’ll give you something nice to obsess over. I’ll have to ask Melanie if she wants to be added, too. She could use the distraction.”

Jon can feel a smile tug at his lips as he hurriedly taps out a response.

“YES – PLEASE – THANK YOU.”

Jon and the others try to retreat to the tunnels as often as possible – every other day, if they can manage it – even if there isn’t a pressing matter to discuss. More than anything, it’s a ploy to throw off Jonah. There’s every possibility that he would grow suspicious if the group only held their secretive meetings just prior to major events. Meeting frequently likely won’t alarm him too much, though. Jonah is likely to write off Jon’s furtiveness as paranoia, or simply his near-compulsive tendency to retread the same ground in aimless circles, obsessing over a single question ad infinitum.

Jon isn’t sure whether he Knows this, or if he’s just become uncomfortably familiar with Jonah’s thought processes. Either way, Jon is well aware of what Jonah thinks of him, of how the man can effortlessly dissect and predict Jon’s every outward action and inner experience. If he's honest with himself, Jonah’s scrutiny may terrify him even more than the Ceaseless Watcher’s.

At least the Eye is alien, operating entirely outside the bounds of human morality and emotion. It and all of the other Fears just… are what they are. Predictable, instinctual, amoral – or operating on a sort of blue and orange morality, at least. It brings to mind something Michael said to him, all those years ago: “Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature? When it embodies its nature? When that nature is created by those which revile it?”

Someone like Jonah Magnus, though – born human, raised human, spending several lifetimes embedded in human society – can understand his fellow humans much more intimately than any nonhuman Entity ever could, and he uses that understanding to torture his victims, knowing full well how it feels. On the one hand, Jon and all his other pawns throughout the centuries are nothing but means to an end; he cares little for them outside of their usefulness to him. On the other hand, he isn’t fully detached: there’s no denying the sadistic glee he took in gloating as he forced Jon to open the door.

Even in a world devoid of the Dread Powers, monsters would still exist, and a mundane human monstrosity is almost as dreadful as a supernatural one. Daisy derived joy from the Hunt with more complexity than a wolf would. Jon’s own hunts may have felt instinctual, but they also felt morally wrong in a way that tearing the legs off a spider would never feel to a cat – and he did it anyway. Even Gertrude embodied a certain flavor of monstrosity, despite never fully giving in to the temptation of the Beholding. She did not need to embrace any supernatural power; her ruthlessness damned innocent people all the same, as thoroughly as the Desolation and with as much precision as the Web.

Georgie and Martin – and Helen, even – may have a point about humanity and monstrosity not following a strict either/or dichotomy. Whether the Fears were birthed by humanity or preceded it, in the world as-is they would be toothless without human imagination to fuel and interpret and inspire them. The apocalypse demonstrated that fact rather starkly the more and more the human population dwindled.

Jon shakes his head, interrupting that line of thought. There are more important things to worry about right now. Namely: it’s the third of March, and the Institute is expecting a visitor.

Basira is with him in his office; Georgie is off keeping Melanie company, away from Breekon and any possibility of a confrontation. They’d all agreed to this arrangement last night in the tunnels, and since they’ve been having those clandestine meetings so regularly, it should look like a coincidence to Jonah, rather than a prearranged setup.

And Breekon arrives right on schedule, though this time he cannot catch Basira alone. He comes directly to Jon’s office, dragging the Coffin behind him.

“Jon,” Basira says urgently, not taking her eyes off the hulking figure darkening the doorway.

They must tread carefully – not seeming so unconcerned as to let on that they were expecting the delivery, but not overselling the act so much that Jonah would sense something was amiss.

“I wish I could say that was the last I saw of them – but they did return – started to make deliveries – Breekon and Hope.”

“Where’s the other one?” Basira asks.

“That copper took him from me,” Breekon says balefully. He drags the Coffin over the threshold, lets it fall to the ground with a thump, and jerks his head at it. “So I fed her to the pit.”

“Daisy’s in there,” Basira says, bristling.

“That’s its name? Then sure, ‘t’s in there, whatever’s left. Find out if you like.”

“…get out of my office –”

Jon’s voice crackles with static, and Breekon takes one step backward.

“What are you doing? Stop that.”

“Jon,” Basira says warningly.

“– as soon as they’d placed the box on the floor, they turned around and walked out –”

The static continues to rise in volume.

“I said stop it!” Breekon grunts through gritted teeth, even as he turns and steps back over the threshold.

“– the door slammed behind them” – Breekon does indeed reach for the handle and pulls the door shut after him – “and I was left – with this package.”

The static cuts out abruptly, and Jon exhales heavily, winded.

“What the hell was that?” Basira demands, rounding on Jon. “Did you just – compel him to leave?”

“…apparently this was how it was done now,” Jon says quietly. That at least answers the question of whether he can still effectively use that power. He isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“Knew you could compel people to answer questions. Didn’t know you could compel actions, too.”

Jon shuts his eyes, still catching his breath. There were limits on his compulsion abilities even during the apocalypse; there are bound to be just as many now, if not more. He doesn’t have the mindset for muddling through a complicated explanation right now, though, so he opts for the AAC app instead.

“LITTLE,” he selects from the screen. It should be enough to get the general point across, at least for now.

“Great. I’ll just put that in the ominous column, shall I?” Basira sighs. “Is it really okay to just… let him leave?”

“I told her that any real danger had passed,” he says simply.

“If you say so.” She stares intently at the Coffin, arms crossed. “So, what now?”

Without another word, Jon stands and beckons for Basira to follow. As he locks the office door behind them, Basira tells him to go wait for her at the tunnel entrance while she fetches Melanie and Georgie. He nods absentmindedly, but she’s already left without waiting for a response.

The last time, two weeks spanned between the delivery of the Coffin and the day Jon actually opened it. This time, there’s no need to wait. He still has some preparations to make – there’s no need to visit the Boneturner, but Jon does still want to leave some tapes running to serve as physical anchors. He also has to plan for the possibility of something going wrong, even if he is fairly confident in his ability to find his way back again. Mainly, he’d like to leave a letter behind for Martin, though the Archive might make that difficult.

Other than that, it’s just a matter of mentally preparing himself for another trip into the Buried.

Knowing what to expect doesn’t make it any less terrifying, though. If anything, it might make it worse.

End Notes:

Soooo I thought I'd be able to cover more plot in this chapter, but I was too attached to the scene with Naomi to scrap it, and I wanted that conversation between Jon and Georgie to happen pre-Buried. The result is that this chapter feels a bit scattershot. But that means next chapter I can just focus on the Coffin. Thanks for bearing with me! (Hoping to have next chapter ready by this weekend or early next week. Depends on how busy work is.)

For anyone unfamiliar with AAC (augmentative and alternative communication) devices/apps and wondering why it's different from typing/texting for Jon - the app he's using has preloaded phrases and images he can select from, so he doesn't have to type/text character-by-character. It still has drawbacks for him - difficult to use for long periods of time, less likely to work the more specific he tries to be, like with drawing - but at least there's another communication option for him to reach for now.

Citations for Jon's verbal dialogue are as follows, broken down by section. Section 1: None. Section 2: 009; 036; 050/027/008/153/010/015/009/124/056/128; 112; 045/005/112/131; 045; 020/134; 157; 017; 138/130; 059; 029; 101/024; 135; 094; both 028 & 076; 148; 094; 042; 054; 117/013; 013/009; 150; 013/009/013/007/013; 146/092/151/063; 002/050; 009; 062. Section 3: 038. Section 4: 002; 061; 050; 056; 051; 019/138/013/105/113/013/092/122/102; 019/048/011/123/124/014/145/139; 051; 013, 145; 023; 096; 128; 128 (again); 008/128. Section 5: 014; 113; 002; 032/136/015; 025. Section 6: 096; 006; 002; 002 (again); 005; 008.

The taped banter between Daisy and Jon is from MAG 061. The Michael quote is from MAG 101. A few bits of Breekon's dialogue were borrowed from MAG 128.

#tma #the magnus archives #tma fic #tma spoilers #long post

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Day 13 : Pining - Sal Fisher

Okay, first of all, yay! For learning a new word! At first I read this as ‘Pinning’ instead of ‘Pining’ and I had a whole different concept of how this would go. So when I learnt what this super weird looking word meant, I had to spontaneously change the character. But I think I made the right choice <3

Art by https://iron-dude.tumblr.com

“Sal, are you home? Are you alone? We need to talk, it’s very important. Code red urgent.” I texted Sal, biting my lip as I clutch the letter in my hand really hard, trying not to break it. “Yeah, you can come over. What happened? Is it the cult again?” he texted back almost instantly, making me smile at his concern. “No bb it’s oki. I’ll be there in a sec. Love u.” I send him immediately, already on my way out to Addison Apartments, where Sal was already waiting in the doorway.

I hug him tightly, guiding him to his room where we stood criss-crossed on the bed facing each other, not really daring to say anything for a while before I sighed, my hands trembling.

“Kat...? What happened? Can I help in any way? Or do you want to just talk?” he asked with so much worry in his voice that I almost started crying. “Promise you wont hate me? No matter what I’m gonna tell you? I love you so much that I don’t want to lose you.” I usher, no daring to look up just yet. “What...? Kat, sweetheart, you know I could never hate you. What’s going on, please tell me.” he held my hands, trying to calm me down. “Remember when I told you that I applied for a few top tier Vet Universities in the country? And I had to go away for about a week or so to go around and take a bunch of Entrance exams and I had all those panic attacks and depression break downs and whatever?” I held his hands, finally able to find my voice. “Yeah, of course I remember. Why, what happened? Are you okay? Did you have another panic attack or some of those moods and you didn’t tell me?” he asked, sort of panicked. “Read this.”  I hand him the envelope and he gently takes it, reading it out loud. “Dear Miss Katrina Black, we are happy to inform you that you got accepted to our University...Oh my Goodness, Kat, that’s insane! This is the best Vet Uni in the country, you’re amazing! I knew you could do it!” he threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly as I lost my balance and fell on the pillows, giggling a bit. “Yeah...It is great, isn’t it? I wasn’t expecting to make it.” I chuckled nervously, hugging him back. “I was sure you’d make this. You’ve worked so hard these years, it would have been impossible not to. And besides, you’ve always been so smart and you love animals so much, you’ll make an amazing Vet!” he tried to hype me up, but despite how happy I was, I was still conflicted. “Sal...It’s in another state. I will have to move to another state by myself for 6 years, and I’ll only be able to come back home for holidays, as far as I know. It’s...Pretty far from here and I don’t think I can afford train tickets. You know how bad we’re doing with money, especially now that we were finally able to find a slightly bigger apartment in which I will be able to move in once I’m out of Uni...Which is in another city too. This is what I wanted to talk about, Sal. We have to figure out what to do.” I raised again, looking down at him, and I could see his eyes widening in realisation from behind the mask. “Ah...You’re right. I didn’t realse that until now. You’ve always been the one to think of everything.” he chuckled slightly. “That’s why I said I hoped you wouldn’t hate me. I won’t be able to be here and see each other too often. And you know how distance takes its toll on relationships...I don’t want that to happen to us too. I’m...Kinda scared.” I mutter the last bit, my lip, feeling tears threatening to spill. “Baby, it’s okay. We love each other and that’s what matters, right? 6 years will fly like a breeze, especially since we’re both in Uni, it’s gonna be a lot of work and we won’t even realise when we already get to see each other again. And besides, we have phones to text and call each other, right?” he tried to reason, and got into a sitting position too, putting his hands on my shoulders. “Won’t you...Y’know...Get bored of being alone or something? There’s only so many holidays per year...” I looked away, insecurity and nervousness taking over me. “Kat...Remember the time when we met? And then, when you first saw my face?” Sally asked all of a sudden, making me turn my gaze to his, raising my eyebrow in confusion. “What do you mean...? Of course I remember. What does it have to do with this situation?” I blinked, trying to understand the connection, but instead, he took off his mask, looking at me with a smile. “You were the shyest kid in class, and yet, when the bullies started making fun of me, you were the only one who said something. And then they started making fun of you, and you started crying, and then I started beating them up, and we all got suspended. You’ve always been so sensitive and emotional, I guess your empathy is what brought us together.” he had tears in his eyes, remembering that memory, but it kinda made me cringe. “Uh...Yeah, you got attracted to a cry-baby, great job, darling.” I chuckled awkwardly, wiping away a tear from the corner of my eye. “A cry-baby who’s the sweetest and kindest person in the world. Remember when some idiot in class thought it’d be funny to unclasp my mask in class, and you got sooo pissed off that you hugged my face to your chest to hide it while you yelled at the kids and tried to put back my mask without looking? But then the teacher came so it was only the two of us in the class, and I let you look and you just kissed my cheek and put my mask back? Jeez, that was such a long time ago, but I remember so well. I started crying, and yet, you call yourself cry-baby? Pshhhh, as if.” he chuckled in amusement at the memory that I remembered so fondly, as I kissed his cheek now too, just like back then. “I can’t forget that, Sugar Plum Fairy Sally. Your pigtails were so cute, I always loved making them for you.” I grinned, taking Sal’s hair and pulled up his beautiful long blue hair, making it seem as if he had pigtails again. “My point is, Kat, that my heart has been with you since that moment, and there’s no way that will change. So really, go there, smash your way through Uni, and when this is over, we’ll both be adults and we can...Uh...I don’t know what adults do, but we’ll be independent. At least financially.” he shrugged, making it obvious that he doesn’t want to back away from this. “Y’know...While I can’t take you with me at the Students’ Hall during Uni...We can move in together in my new apartment after I finish Uni. It will be only mine, after all. It would be nice not to be alone...And if it’s you, then...Well...” I looked up at him with a timid smile, which mirrored his, as he put his arms around me again, kissing my forehead. “It will all go well, dear. I promise.” he reassured me, and I could finally feel at peace.

Of course, these 6 years have been very difficult, because we always wanted to be close to one another and we missed each other so much. Holidays only became teases as the time spent together was so short, yet meaningful, and having to go back to Uni only made the cut run even deeper.

We would cross days, weeks, months and years, making small progress and objectives out of each holiday passed, each year passed, until the 6 years finally passed and we had such a powerful longing for each other, that it almost seemed like our hearts would break each day until we would see each other again.

His Uni was only 4 years long, so he finished faster, and I was SO proud seeing him in his graduation robes, and then him throwing the cap in the air with the rest of his colleagues. I couldn’t help myself taking so many pics of my beautiful boy.

The same happened vice versa, when I finished and he came over for my graduation, it turned into an outright photoshoot without even realising. And even better, Larry, Ash, Todd and Neil were able to come over too, so we managed to have such a cool party that everyone enjoyed.

The final exams and my license presentation went by very fast, and after that, I was able to get my Masters and PhD in no time, despite having to stay there more than 6 years, but it was worth it.

In the mean time, Sal would constantly text me motivational, loving, emotionally supportive things, knowing how prone to depression I am and that it’s still very hard for me to keep the straight path towards the light.

When I was finally over with my education, my parents drove over to help me pack everything there, then we got directly to my new apartment that I decorated the way I dreamt.

What I wasn’t expecting, however, was to see Sally and the rest there, with lots of “Welcome Home” decorations, balloons and all that, making me start sobbing, completely overwhelmed by emotions, not even able to talk.

“I missed you so much, baby. Welcome home.” Sally muttered into my ear as he hugged me tightly, swinging me around a bit. “I love you so much, Sal, I love you so much. I missed you so so so fucking much, I can’t believe we’re finally at this point where I don’t have to be cities away from you and I can see you every godamn day when I come home, and wake up with you every morning.” I cry into his chest, clutching the back of his shirt tightly, still trembling a bit from the emotions. “It’s okay, sweety, we’re finally together and nothing can change us. We will be okay now, I promise. I love you so much, Kat. So much. I’m so glad we’re finally together now.” he held me tight to his chest, stroking my hair reassuringly, as he always did. “Yo, dudes, enough with the depressing shit, let’s par-TAAAAY!” Larry shouted at us, making us laugh as he brought CDs of Sanity’s Fall, AC/DC, Dir en Grey, Linkin Park and many others, while Ash brought the snacks and Todd and Neil brought the drinks, while my parents kissed my cheeks before leaving us to our party.

All day and night we gossiped, exchanged all the stories possible, stupid or not, we sang karaoke, played video and board games, got shitfaced drunk out of happiness and all that, and God, was it so godamn fine having everyone together again.

Of course, the next day they had to leave, except for Sally who moved in with me, thankfully, but now it would be much easier to go and visit our friends.

The next day, we just stood cuddled together in bed, our legs intertwined, our arms around each other, occasionally kissing each other and confession our love to each other here from time to time, when we wanted to break the comforting silence.

“I missed you so much, baby. I have no words to explain, but it hurt so much knowing that you’re so far away. Every day was so painful, even though I had friends and hung out with them, went to a few parties, conventions and what not. Studying managed to take my mind away from that dark feeling that kept eating me away, but at night...Gosh, the nights were the worst. I spent so many times crying ‘cause I was feeling so lonely and I just wanted to go to you and have you in my arms all night. Sometimes it was so godamn hard not to give up everything...But I had to. That’s what I always say. I have to. I must. And I did it, and now, I’m finally with you, just like I’ve always dreamt.” I poured my heart out to him, stroking his smooth hair, gazing lovingly at his face. “I know, honey, I know, but it’s okay now. I had a lot of help from our friends, and now that Lisa married dad, making Larry my brother made it better, otherwise, I don’t know what I’d have done. Uni was tough as all hell, but I had you as my ambition to keep on going so we could finally meet up to this point. You’re a doctor now, Kat. Doctor Kitty. I couldn’t let you down, y’know? I had to be in your league. Now we can both make money and travel the world, just like we’ve always dreamt of. Can you believe we’ve been together for what? 10 years or so? Unbelievable. And you didn’t get bored of me. You’re still my girlfriend, do you even realise how lucky and proud I am to say that I’m your boyfriend? Jeez, I’m still shook sometimes when I think back at everything we’ve been through and how happy I feel every time I think of you, of your smile, of your gentle touch, your soft lips, how warm you are, how mesmerising your chocolate perfume is, how pretty you look all the time without even trying, how much I love having you in my arms when we sleep together...And...And...Even when...When...We’d make love, it felt like the most ethereal thing in the world, like I was in a dream. I love you, Kat. So much, it’s unreal.” he whispered the last bit, as if afraid that if he said any louder, the spell will break. “I love you, Sal. Nothing is ever going to change that. I am yours and you are mine, forever and ever.” I kissed him, hooking my pinky to his, to show him that I pinky promise everything will be okay. “Forever and ever.” he repeated after me, in a voice as sweet as never before. 

#sally face x reader #sally face imagine #sally face #sal fisher imagine #sal fisher x reader #sal fisher #larry johnson #ashley campbell #fluffy self-cember #fluffy #self indulgent

[once-upon-a-womens-soccer]

Omg you have covid?? Are the symptoms the worst

Yep, I tested positive this Monday. My mom is a school teacher and a bunch of kids in her class tested positive, she brought it home, got sick herself, then my sister got sick, and then me. 

I’m definitely not in the worst condition possible, far from it, but it’s still awful. It’s like the worst and weirdest flu I’ve ever experienced. 

I’ve had most of the symptoms - it started with me being very weak and tired and my back hurting. My throat also hurt. Then came a cough that wouldn’t let go no matter what and I was afraid I’m going to suffocate at night because it felt like my throat was swollen and that it was literally closing at times. I was scared shitless, I didn’t know if it’s going to get worse and I was afraid that it will and that then I will die. Because you can’t know how it’s going to go. And the way it is right now, where more and more people end up in hospitals, hooked to life support...you just don’t know what to expect, you only know that situation can drastically change in a matter of minutes because this is what happened with many people I’ve known or heard about around me.  And I couldn’t really tell anyone because I knew that my mom who was still sick herself and very anxious about me and my sister, would freak out and I didn’t want to give her a heart attack. So anyway, then I had headaches and low fever almost all the time (but I don’t get fevers when I’m sick at all, the last time I had a fever was like maybe10 years ago + I was taking meds for fever all the time so who knows what would it be without them). I had problems with my stomach and felt nauseous a lot. My eyes hurt, especially if I was looking to the sides. Then I started having a runny nose (and like, my nose felt like it was blocked, sealed off with wax or something, I could not breathe through my nose at all). Then one day I had this weird sores/blisters in my mouth which I found out sometimes are caused by COVID (I have this great spray for mouth sores so it was gone the next day). I’ve lost my smell and taste, I literally have no idea what I’m eating or drinking and you could give me rotten eggs to smell, I would have no idea. 

I’ve been sick for two weeks now. The symptoms come and go, I got antibiotics and other meds and sometimes it feels like they help for a little while after taking them, sometimes they don’t. But I know that any time I’m a little late with taking another dose I am getting worse - my fever spikes and my cough won’t let me function. And I’m so tired and weak all the time. Like, yesterday I cleaned my room a little because I really hate it when it’s not clean and then I didn’t have any strength or energy to do anything for the rest of the day. And it comes in waves. In the beginning, it was either a wave of energy and I was normal and then a wave of weakness and I had to lie down. Now I’m weak all the time and the waves are like, I’m weak but I can go to the bathroom and do some Uni work in my bed (because sitting at my desk is too tiring) or I’m so weak I have to lie down and sleep or watch an episode of some tv show at best. 

I’m not saying all of this for attention or anything. I just want you to people know that this shit is no joke, and it can get anyone. 

My mom and my sister finished their quarantine and should be healthy already but they still have the cough. My sister’s doctor told us on the phone that it’s COVID complications. My mom is 50 but my sister is only 15 and she developed a nasty cough as a COVID complication. She could end up with asthma or something. My mom too but she says she’s slowly getting better.

I’m only 23, well 24 next month. I’m not super fit or completely healthy but I’m also not a super ill person and it attacked me from every side it could. And I don’t go out of my house too much and my mom and my sister and me - we all always wear a mask (I even double mask), we change them often and wash our hands.  

But all of this will work only if other people do their part. We won’t be safe if other people around us don’t care about this. So please, wear a mask, wash your hands and stay at home as much as possible. You might have it and feel great, you may have it and feel like me or you may have it and end up in hospital. You may die or kill someone else by infecting them. 

Plus, I feel like, once I’m not sick anymore I’ll have the legal right to punch anyone who has no mask or wears it wrong...

#covidー19 #covid #personal

[starswordartblog]

For @oc-growth-and-development​‘s OCtober day 13: Grow. Boy did this one grew out of my control, but I swear it gets to the prompt in the end.

Nathan lived in a cave. Well, it could barely be considered a cave actually, it was more of a room-sized hole within the rockier parts of Fortune Forest. But it had enough space for Nathan to sleep and store his stuff in, and was also conveniently in front of a river, so he settled there. His father had taught him the basics of living in the wild, and his magic was enough to drive away any creature that could harm him.

Close by were the taller cliffs and a waterfall too, good for baths and washing things. It was during those chores that he found Uni, little more than a month after settling in.

Nathan loved baths, or at least he loved being in the water, swimming and splashing around. It had been peaceful there every day so far, so he felt okay to let his guard down and relax for a while.

So he was really not prepared for when a body fell on him.

He fell into the water and swam away from the thing in a panicked reaction, but quickly had to get back to surface to gasp for air and cough up the water he had accidentally breathed in. To worsen his terror, he realized the creature had come right to his side.

He kicked away, scrambling to get to the river's margin, his terrified scream coming out as just a raspy noise. In that time, he finally got a good look at the thing, or at least its head, which was the only part of its body above water, much like Nathan himself.

Oddly, its hair was also much like Nathan's, the same short and spiky cut currently hanging down due to being wet, but in a sky blue color in contrast to Nathan's blond. There was a big horn on its forehead, with a rounded tip, and both that and the rest of its skin, that looked scaly like a fish, were a greyish green color, full of brown spots. Its dark eyes were wide open staring back at Nathan with a blank expression.

Since the creature didn't attack, Nathan's fear lowered, which meant there was plenty of space for anger now.

"Hey! You scared the hell outta me you creepy fish! Why did you fall on me!" He screamed while shaking the thing by its shoulders, stopping when it let out a small squeak, its mouth a little open now, gaze still fixed on Nathan.

Nathan let go, having felt something weird under his hands. Over the kid's shoulders were small, delicate brown fins, contrasting against the blue and white fuzzy mark that covered it neck to shoulders, like a puffy cloud.

"Did, did that hurt?" He asked, realizing he must have squeezed those little fins. The thing didn't fight back and looked like a lost kid, so he started to feel bad. "Sorry. Geez, just don't sneak on people like that again."

No answer.

"...You're creepy, you know that?"

"...at?"

"Hey, so you can speak!" he pointed accusingly. "Just say why you fell on me then! I've never seen anyone else here!"

The thing finally turned its gaze away from Nathan's face. It slowly raised its own hand (it had those apparently, regular human hands) from the water, and began looking from hand to hand, slowly stretching some fingers and closing the others, until they were both in the same shape. Then it stretched its arm towards Nathan to complete the gesture.

"Are you copying me?"

"...me?"

"You are! Man, I don't get this! Fish don't copy people! What are you after all?" He asked, shaking his arm in frustration.

The kid didn't answer, only shaking its arm the same way. Then it did it with more strength, splashing more and more water.

Was it playing? Nathan wouldn't mind that. Weirdness aside he thought having company here could be pretty fun. Better than the other kids in town telling him he should stop living like an animal. Although this kid was a fish, or some magical creature, maybe that's why it was okay with this. Nathan loved magical creatures since his father was one, so he was determined to figure out what this one was, and maybe be friends?

He did want a friend. It was lonely there, without his dad.

He grinned, and splashed some water on its face. It didn't even flinch, but stopped moving. Then it copied Nathan again, splashing some droplets on him.

"Stop just copying me, I'm always gonna come up with something stronger!" he scooped a handful of water to throw on its face, then dove, wanting to do a surprise attack next.

They frolicked like that for a long time. Nathan's surprises didn't work well because the fish kid was good at following him, but it also seemed too confused to do anything but that, so as far as Nathan was concerned he was winning.

He didn't realize when, but at some point its face had finally changed too.

"See? That's way less creepy, you're smiling now," he said, pointing at its face. Fish kid stared at his hand for a moment before bumping his own index finger into his. It reminded Nathan of something he'd seen the men in town do sometimes, so he turn his hand into a fist, and sure enough fish kid did the same so they could bump them, laughing.

"Man, that was fun. I still got no clue what you are though. Do you know? Are you human?"

"...uman?"

"Nope, still just copying. Maybe that's your magic? Is there magic to copy things? Maybe I should ask the old men in town, they might know."

He got out of the water, looking for his clothes, and hoping the other kid wouldn't complain about him being naked. His father always told him to have his clothes on around other humans, though he didn't understand why, but fish kid wasn't human so it was fine, right? Also, it was its own fault for sneaking in when he was taking a bath!

He still scrambled as fast as he could to get dressed. Thankfully, they had played for so long that his clothes were already dry from his washing earlier, he didn't even have to use his magic like he usually did.

He turned to call his new friend, "Alright, let's- Whaaaat?"

Behind him, fish kid was now floating. Just a little above the ground, and Nathan realized that, while most of his body was humanoid and the same size as his, it didn't have feet, just two bright blue fins in their place.

"You can fly?"

"..fly?"

"Yeah, fly!" Remembering the kid liked to copy him, he jumped a few times to see if it would get the point, and it did. Its fins kicked up the air behind them and propelled the kid a little higher in the air, almost as if it was still swimming. Nathan was overjoyed, and the kid's smile eventually grew as large as his.

"Guys I found a flying fish!" Nathan screamed as soon as Olden's bar came into view, immediately getting looks from plenty of the dudes drinking there.

Of the mage elders that watched over Fortune Forest, Olden was the one responsible for the mage children. People said that it made no sense then that he managed a bar at the same time, not that Nathan knew what that meant. He did dislike the place and the smells and had even been forbidden from getting a lot of their drinks, but all of civilization was weird to him, so he wasn't sure what it all meant. What actually mattered is that Olden was a great mage and knew lots of things.

"Hey, who the hell is that, kid?" Said one of the dudes around, pointing at the fish kid. "You made some weirdo friend in the woods?"

"Yeah!" he said cheerfully at first, then his eyebrows twitched once he realized the insult. "It's not a weirdo! It's a flying fish!"

"It's, very clearly not a fish," another dude pointed out. "I mean, he's dead-eyed like a fish, sure," he snickered, "but it's just a kid wearing your coat.

"Oh yeah," Nathan said, remembering he had lent the kid his coat since it didn't have any clothes. He pulled the upper part open to expose its shoulders and fins. "See? It's got them on the feet too!" he pointed them out.

The men blinked a few times, looking up and down at the creature, until the first one that had talked rolled his eyes. "Oh, I get it, you're just pulling another prank on us. You shoved some poor kid on a costume because we didn't believe your father was a bird-dog that time."

Nathan grit his teeth, face burning with anger. "He wasn't a bird dog, his wings had scales, not feathers! His feathers were on his tail, that’s what I said!"

"Alright, everyone stop shouting," said Olden, beating his staff on the ground and coming out from the counter. "So Nathan, who is this?"

"Don't know, it fell on me from the waterfall, I thought you would know what it is," he scowled, crossing his arms, clearly in an awful mood after what the other men has said.

The man scratched his long beard, his eyes narrowed. "Well I'm afraid I'm not sure, the forest has never transformed children like this. He can clearly fly, so perhaps he was already changed and got lost from somewhere far away. But strangely enough, I can't feel much power from him. Even though physical changes like this are sign of an overflow..."

Nathan stared agape at the old man for a moment as it clicked.

"Wait, you think this is a mage? A human mage?"

"Human enough. Magic changes people in unique ways, you must get over that if you want to make it as a mage, boy. I've never seen a race of flying fish in the forest in all my years here, so it's more likely that this one is special. We should get a better check on him, to be safe."

Aceno's hospital was one of the few in the country specialized in magical issues, a perk of being next to a legendary forest full of mages. Olden took Nathan and the fish kid there, hoping to get more information on his condition. Even the staff was baffled at his existence though, and could only say that his vitals and magical power seemed stable, so it was likely that he had transformed by someone else's spell instead of his own power running out of control, and thus should be safe.

They apologized for not knowing how to reverse the spell, Nathan didn't know why though. He looked cool that way. But no one cared when he said that.

They had just left the exam room when the room next to it opened, and from it came two mages Nathan already knew.

"Old man Old, whatcha doing here?" Mirian greeted the elder mage with a cheeky smile, but was interrupted by her sister shouting.

"Unicorn boy?"

Moira stared with eyes and mouth wide at the fish kid's horn.

"Wait what?" Nathan had only talked to Moira a few times, even though she was actually his favorite mage of those he had met so far (at least before fish kid). To his despair her sister was a jerk and they were always together, so it was hard to approach her. But he did know she loved unicorns, some kind of magical creature that was, actually just a horse with a horn, and sparkly? He didn't see what the big deal was. "What do you mean, he's not an unicorn, he's a fish!"

"Unicorn fish boy?" She was still in shock, and maybe also in awe? It was kinda fun to watch. He finally understood it was because of the kid's horn.

"God, what have you done?" said Mirian, hiding her face in her hands, "I can't believe this is how today ends."

"What do you mean, mean girl?" he scowled.

"How do you think genius here broke her leg, idiot?"

He blinked, and finally took a good look at Moira. Her hair and clothes were dirty and she had a few scrapes on her arms, but more importantly, said arms were holding crutches, and one of her legs was enveloped in a big white thing.

"That's a broken leg?"

Moira gave a small laugh, her cheeks red. "I went a bit too far in the forest. Thought I'd seen a real one this time."

"Geez, if you were going to climb the cliffs you should have called me, I wanna see what's up there too," Nathan pouted on their way home. Olden had returned to the town, but all the kids were from the forest itself so they could walk together for a while, slowly due to Moira’s current state.

"Aren't you seeing how it ended up," Moira retorted, "and I didn't plan it, it was in the spur of the moment. I saw something shine atop them, and saw something going deep in the forest with a clopping noise, so I thought I should chase them. It was probably just a beast though."

"That sucks."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad, I did make a magical friend," she said, pointing her head upwards. Ever since they left the hospital, a white bird had been flying over them. The few times it had come down, Nathan saw it had a red forehead.

"That bird is magical?"

"Yup, it's a siren pigeon, they follow injured people. Their touch calms you down, and their cries frighten the animals around. This one protected me back then."

Mirian bent down to stare straight at Nathan with a sinister smile. "Actually they just want to be safe to drink the person's blood," she added.

"Whaat?"

Moira giggled. "They're just birds, it’s not like they drink enough to hurt you. Also the blood was already outside me anyway, I’d rather it helped someone."

"I, I see," he said, watching the bird above them in a whole new way. "There sure are a lot of creatures out there, huh."

"It's fun, isn't it?" She smiled. "It's your time to tell your story now, though. Who's your new friend?"

"Oh, right." The fish kid had been quietly behind him all this time, hands on his shoulders. "I don't know much, he fell on me by the waterfall and we became friends. He doesn't talk but he likes copying me, and follows me anywhere. I thought it was some creature from the forest but the old man think it's a mage who turned half fish? I don’t really get it."

Moira bent her neck back as much as she could while on crutches to look at the kid. "Really? Did you get lost in the forest too, boy?"

The kid didn't answer, but slowly slid his arms down against Nathan's body, fully leaning on his back now.

"Huh?" Nathan turned his head to try to look at him. The boy rubbed his cheek against him.

Moira laughed, "that's a weird hug, but it seems he likes you. You're taking him back with you?"

"Yeah, I like him. And the old man said it's better to keep him close to where he was in case someone's looking for him. He's gonna look around the towns to see if anyone's missing a kid too."

"Don't think a transformed kid just 'went missing'", Mirian muttered.

"Huh?"

"Well," Moira interjected loudly, "I'm sure he's gonna fit right in with the rest of us anyway. It's, bad that he can't say his own name though, we can't just call him 'boy' forever. Maybe we should give him a nickname."

"That's true, huh." Nathan took another look at the boy happily slumped against him. His horn stuck out a lot from that angle. "Oh! How about Uni? You called him an unicorn boy, and the old man said he's unique."

Moira gasped, "that's a great name!" She turned to the other boy. "You like it, Uni?”

He didn't answer. Nathan poked his cheek.

"C'mon, copy her, why do you only do that to me? It's your name she's saying, Uni! Uni!"

"...uni! Uni!" He replied, with less hesitation the second time around, rubbing his cheek on Nathan's finger. "Uni! Uni!"

"I think he likes it!" Nathan grinned, and noticed Uni immediately copied the grin.

"Yeah!" Moira had a big smile too. She stared at them a little more before giggling. "You two look like brothers already."

"Brothers?"

"Yeah, I mean, you're going to live together even."

"I don't get it, what's a brother?"

"Uh? Oh, I guess you didn't know what sisters were last time too. It's the same thing, girls are sisters, and boys are brothers. It's when you have the same parents, and grow up together."

Nathan remembered her words, from weeks ago when she had introduced him to Mirian. "We don't have the same parents though." He was adopted though, would his dad also adopt Uni if he asked? He didn't like fish that much, at least as food, but maybe that meant he'd be okay raising one as a son? He couldn’t tell. "But I guess we will grow up together, huh."

At least if they didn't find his parents, and Nathan knew how hard that was. Lots of kids around the forest, including Moira and Mirian, didn't have parents either, though Nathan didn't know the reasons. The elder had once said that the world was harsh, and that's why the mages of Fortune Forest should treat each other as family and help one another. They didn't feel like family though, always calling him a liar and laughing at things he didn't know. The kids were fun to play and fight with, but not nearly as much as his dad, who could make a lesson and a game out of anything and enjoy it so much his laughter shook the forest.

Uni was different though, right? He liked Nathan, and was learning everything from him. That was a lot of responsibility, he was too young to be a dad! But Moira said something about that too, didn't she? An older sister was not a parent, she didn't know as much as the adults, but because of that, she also understood better how the younger one felt. That made them closer as they learned and worked on things. That's what it meant to grow up together.

He thought of him and Uni with identical grins on their faces.

"That would be nice."

#oc tober #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #fantasy #magic #fire and fish #nathan truefire #uni truefire #moira owen #mirian owen #mage elder olden #despero #2020 #i cried a little at the ending there #also again #BOY DID THIS ONE RAN AWAY FROM ME #I LOVE IT #finally fleshed some important worldbuilding like 'wow this place sucks for kids' #and siren pigeons #lov them

[rogah-wrote-gaga]

the other one

chapter one: he’s not as he seems

pairing: roger taylor x reader, brian may x reader

wordcount: ~2.5k

summary: You'd only been following them because of Tim, you told yourself. It had nothing to do with a sexy blonde and a lovely astrophysicist, so why were you sticking with them, and not him? You knew full well that Tim had made his own decision when he left Smile, cutting off his relationship with you and the boys.

What you didn't know how far it would take you.

chapter summary: You didn’t want to head back to your dorm just yet, so you stayed at the bar, observing people quietly. It wasn’t until you were halfway through your second pint that you realised the drummer of Tim’s band had just sat down next to you. “Hey.” You turned to him in surprise; his voice was so unlike his singing in the band (to be fair, you had only ever heard him singing in falsetto). It was scratchy and gravelly, and you could see why girls were constantly falling at his feet. His eyes were the bluest you had ever seen, and his hair was a shining blonde. If he were a girl, he probably would’ve been exactly Tim’s type. “Hi.” He gulped down the rest of his drink and smiled; his teeth were even and white. “So, I saw you looking at me.” OR reader meets Roger and gets to know him.

warnings: none really, mentions of sex/ mild innuendo

a/n:  so this is chapter one of my new slow burn series, the other one!! it was great fun to write and i hope you enjoy reading it just as much as i enjoyed writing it :) tagging @asupersonicwoman bc i know how much she loves roger and @sunshine112​, @sunset-shimmer-may​, @tuiaway​, and @blamerogertaylor​ in the hopes that they might enjoy it(let me know if you want to carry on being tagged in any of my fics) ; any reblogs and comments are appreciated and let me know if you want to be added to my taglist!

The pub was as busy as always. Sighing, you walked over to the bar, hopped up on a barstool, and ordered a pint of beer. Your first year of university had taken its toll on you: you came to this bar to relax. Up on the small deck that served as a stage was your best friend Tim, with two others who you didn’t know too well, performing as the band ‘Smile’.

You sipped your drink as Tim started to croon into the mic and focused your attention on the blond drummer. Tim had introduced you a few weeks back, and you couldn’t remember anything about him except that he always seemed to have a girl draped on his arm. The guitarist’s name was Brian, and he was in your Mathematics class. He was the smartest guy in the class when he bothered to turn up; you heard that Physics was his main passion, alongside making music. His hair was one giant ball of frizz as he bobbed about the stage, and you smiled to yourself, knowing that he had probably tried to brush out his curls.

The band finished playing “Earth” to a round of half-hearted applause, and Tim sauntered off the stage towards where you sat at the bar, ordering himself a pint in the process. “Hey, y/n, enjoy the show?” he grinned. “You only played one song. And it was boring.” You only said this because you knew it would annoy him; he was very proud of his work. “Well, you certainly looked like you enjoyed it.” Tim said this with a wink and a nod towards the drummer, who was making his way through the crowds that had suddenly appeared when he had left the stage. Rolling your eyes, you turned back to Tim, who was smiling obnoxiously at you. “Catch you later, y/n!”

You didn’t want to head back to your dorm just yet, so you stayed at the bar, observing people quietly. It wasn’t until you were halfway through your second pint that you realised the drummer of Tim’s band had just sat down next to you. “Hey.” You turned to him in surprise; his voice was so unlike his singing in the band (to be fair, you had only ever heard him singing in falsetto). It was scratchy and gravelly, and you could see why girls were constantly falling at his feet. His eyes were the bluest you had ever seen, and his hair was a shining blonde. If he were a girl, he probably would’ve been exactly Tim’s type. “Hi.” He gulped down the rest of his drink and smiled; his teeth were even and white. “So, I saw you looking at me.”

Great. He was one of those. You knew the type. Cocky, self-satisfied bastards who thought they could have their way with any girl they wanted. Hell, they probably did. “Who would want to look at you?” you muttered, staring at the dusty floorboards. The silence was what made you look up. The drummer was staring at you with an intensity you’d never experienced before. He seemed to notice you had looked up, and snapped out of it pretty quickly, shaking his head and stuttering, “Look, uh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. My name’s Roger. Roger Taylor.”

He offered out a hand as he said this, looking away with what you recognised as embarrassment and perhaps even shame. “I’m y/n,” you said as you gripped his hand and shook it firmly. Roger reached under his shirt with one hand, rubbing a shoulder, still not looking at you.

“Yeah, I know. You’re Tim’s mate? We, uh, were introduced. A couple weeks back. You study Maths and Psychology, right? At Brian’s college, I think you said.” He was talking really fast, his eyes darting around, avoiding your gaze. You were surprised that he remembered so much about you and a little ashamed that you couldn’t remember a single thing about him. He suddenly seemed kind of shy, maybe even scared. “Yeah, that’s right. And you’re a… medical student?” you guessed, grimacing to yourself when Roger shook his head. “Dentistry,” he muttered. “And I absolutely hate it. But hey, gotta do what you gotta do to keep your parents happy, I guess.” He didn’t seem to be on the verge of continuing, so you asked him what he did in his spare time.

He perked up a bit at that, and seemed to partially revert back into his original, confident manner, his voicing raising pitch until he almost sounded like a girl. “Yeah, well, obviously I’m drumming in this band, and I absolutely love music, y’know, I’d want to do it all my life if I could. I like fiddling around with cars, too, absolutely love cars. But music is my main goal, I guess, used to play the guitar and even a bit of ukulele!” You laughed at that, trying to picture him strumming what you visualised as a very tiny guitar. “But then I tried out the drums, and not to boast or anything, but I was, and am, bloody brilliant. I just have this kind of knack for it.” In your mind, you agreed; he added a flair to Tim’s music with interesting rhythms and constantly wasted time twirling his drumsticks, still finding time to hit every beat perfectly. “But enough about me. What do you like to do?”

This surprised you. Most of the guys that had tried to hit on you (and there weren’t many) talked about themselves for hours then asked at the very end if you were u for a quick shag. This had led to your poor opinion on most men, except your brother, who was your brother, and Tim, because he was your best friend.

“Well, I like reading. And writing.” This was the most you’d ever been able to get out before whatever man you were currently entertaining passed out with boredom. You hesitated, but Roger gestured for you to go on, with what seemed like genuine interest. “And, uh, I was gonna take English Lit at uni, but there was this thing with my application…” And so it went. He let you talk for as long as you pleased, interjecting only to ask questions and even laughing at your terrible anecdotes. Then you carried on talking, about everything from his favourite colour to your taste in music. He insisted on paying for the next three rounds, by the end of which you were both slightly tipsy. “So, why d’you c’mere then? If you don’t like Tim?” You gestured around wildly, trying to think. “No, no, no, I do like Tim. But not, y’know, like that. You know what I mean. He’s just not… sexy.” Roger laughed. “Sexy?” “Oh, you know what I mean.” Roger waggled his eyebrows at you before continuing, “Am I sexy?” “Very,” you assured him with a laugh. And he was. So, when you leant forwards and kissed him, it didn’t feel forced at all.

Groaning, you sat up from your bed with a headache. You couldn’t remember having that much to drink last night and was surprised when you sat up in unfamiliar surroundings. All you could vaguely remember was stumbling towards a black cab before someone had grabbed you and snatched you away from it. You were also aware that you were definitely not in your dorm. You sat up in a whiz, knowing that if you were not in your dorm and none of your friends had been with you, you were probably kidnapped. “Shit, shit, shit,” you muttered as you scrambled your way out of bed. You were on the verge of hoisting yourself out of the 2nd floor window amidst your mini panic attack when someone walked in.

“Uh, hey. Wh-Why are you trying to climb out my window?” “Roger!” You ran towards him and collapsed into his arms. “I thought- I thought that-” Laughing, Roger stepped away from you. “You thought what? That I had kidnapped you? y/n, you were this close to getting run over by this random car.” You pushed his fingers away from where they were dangling in front of your face. “I was trying to hail a cab!” “That wasn’t a cab, it was just some black jeep with a middle aged man in it.” You shook your head, adamant that you hadn’t been that drunk, but the grin didn’t leave Roger’s face and you couldn’t think of any other way you could’ve ended up in his flat. “So you brought me here. Thanks.”

He stepped away again, turning his back to you and rubbing the back of his neck, as walked into what looked like a kitchen, mumbling, “It was no problem. Uh, would you like something to drink?” You raised your eyebrows, surprised at the sudden change in character. “No, thanks. Where exactly are we?” you asked, following him to where he now stood, leaning against the counter. You couldn’t help but notice that he only had a tiny pair of shorts on which barely covered his boxers, and an unbuttoned shirt, exposing his chest and small tummy. “In my flat. I’m staying here while I’m at uni; the rent’s cheap and the neighbours aren’t too loud.”

“No, I got that we were in your flat, but where is your flat located? Sorry, I sound like a stalker.” Roger gave you a weird look. “But you’re in my flat anyway. That doesn’t exactly make you a stalker. And we’re still in London, don’t worry, I haven’t carted you off to Land’s End just yet. Anyway, why are we standing around in the kitchen? I’ve got a very comfortable sofa, trust me.” You blushed slightly at the innuendo, and followed him through a small door that led into a fairly cramped living area, with a drum kit squished into one corner and stacks of vinyls, cd’s and books in another. In the middle against a wall was a two seater couch. You watched as Roger plonked himself on the sofa, gesturing for you to sit down next to him.

You sat down, and mentally noted the contact your thighs and arms made; you weren’t sure if it was normal, but you loved being touched by people. It didn’t even have to be sexual; you were so deprived of physical contact (Tim wasn’t a big hugger) that even a simple hug made you feel warm and happy. Roger seemed to notice how comfortable you were, and slipped an arm around your shoulders, pulling you towards him so that your head was resting on his chest. Your ear was pressed so close to his bare skin that you could hear his heart racing. Eyes closed, you sighed contentedly. “You comfortable there, y/n?” Roger’s breath was hot against your ear as you breathed in his scent. “Because we can always go and lie on the bed if you’d prefer.” That made you sit up pretty quick, blood thundering in your ears. “I’m not- I didn’t mean- I just thought, it might be more comfortable? I wasn’t trying to make you feel aw-” You held a finger to Roger’s lips so he would stop the unnecessary stuttering. “I’d like to.” “Y-You would?” Roger seemed genuinely amazed.

“Of course I would. Let’s go.” you said, jumping off the sofa and leading the way to the bedroom. You lay back down on the bed, snuggling into the cold sheets while Roger lay down next to you. It was hard to tell whether he wanted you or not; he lay there beside you, not moving an inch. “Rog? Are you alright?”

He closed his eyes and turned away from you. “I just- I’ve never done this before. I’ve never had sex, I’ve never had a blowie, I’d never even had a good snog before yesterday. And I know it sounds stupid, y/n, so goddamn stupid, but I-, I’m just… scared…” His voice trailed off as you sank into his back, grasping his middle and laying your head just below his neck. “Why are you scared, Rog?” you whispered, as gently as possible. He stiffened beside you, trying to escape from your grip. “Well...uh...I dunno, I guess, uh, maybe, it- it might hurt?” This was not what you expected; then again, everything that had happened with Roger so far had been unpredictable.

But your very first impression of him, before you’d even spoken to each other, was that he was probably a good lay, he oozed self-confidence, and that he could pull any girl he wanted. But it seems you’d only got two of those assumptions right; he certainly had girls swooning over him, but he hadn’t seem interested in any of them, and now he was lying here next you explaining why he was still a virgin. You’d guessed his age at being about 20 or so; he was still at uni, after all, just like you.

“Do you ever think about it?” He sighed, the frustration in his voice evident. “I think about it all the bloody time! An’ it’s not like I don’t want to, it's just, I don’t know how- an’ I don’t know when or where or just- I don’t know what to do! I know for a fact that you don’t lie around talking, but I just don’t have the experience, and that makes me think no-one wants to shag me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m bad at flirting or whatever, but-”

He trailed off again, and you pushed yourself up on one elbow to see that his eyes were still squeezed tightly shut, small drops of water forcing their way through.

“Oh, Roger, that doesn’t matter! You don’t need any experience. Surely you’ve seen the girls practically lining up for you. As long as you enjoy yourself when you do it, then that’s fine,” you said, squirming internally.

You weren’t good at comforting people; you had a tendency to miraculously disappear whenever someone needed your shoulder to cry on. But there was no way you could leave the beautiful sobbing mess by himself without mentally beating yourself up for at least a week. “I’m here for you, Rog; whether you want me as your first sexual encounter,” You tried to inject some provocativeness into your voice as you said this, trailing your hand up his thigh deliberately in an effort to make him laugh, “Or as your fellow struggling student who just wants to focus on the things they love.”

You could feel that Roger had calmed down by then; he was no longer shaking and the tears had stopped. You held him, gently, not wanting to pressure him. His breathing slowed in your arms, and you felt the slow tendrils of sleep pulling both of you under.

[createdbybadhands]

My story

So, here goes. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing but, for some reason, this morning when I woke up I felt the need to anonymously share what my story is. I don’t tend to talk about the experience I have had or how it’s led me to what I’m currently doing, because I don’t know how people will react. 

So maybe I should drop the whole I’m mentally ill bomb. 

I’m mentally ill.

There it’s dropped. 

This post will feature details of peri-natal mental health.

So on December 14th 2018 I found out that I was pregnant. My then fiance, now husband, was recovering from a back operation and that moment of showing him the pee stick, with joyful tears streaming down my face, he awkwardly pulled himself from the chair and slowly made his way to me so that we could share a hug in the moment. 

Sadly my pregnancy was awful, the above is probably the happiest moment that would resemble a hallmark gift card we had. Before you get pregnant, you imagine it will be this amazing, I feel so special, experience. The pressure to be constantly giddy was extreme. Obviously, I knew about the not so nice parts, morning sickness, the need pee...constantly and suddenly hating what was my favourite foods and drinks. 

Also, the coffee withdrawal was real. 

But I didn’t know that you could be depressed and so anxious that you can’t leave the house alone. 

It crept up on me, week by week the feelings got heavier, the anxiety took over. I stopped driving because I was so scared that I would crash, or how and where do I park? (the works car park was insane at this time). As March came up, my husband realised that I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t go to uni anymore (I was doing a masters in design), especially if I knew friends was working from home. I used to get the train to Bristol to go to uni, but it became this metal beast that induced heart palpitations and just the thought of boarding it. My husband encouraged me to seek help. Thankfully, my appointment was with the best GP I have ever met, he was kind, understanding and listened without judgement. He explained that hormones really can mess you up and signed me off work. 

All this seemed temporary, but, blimey, it most certainly wasn’t. As time went by I got iller, I went onto anti-depressants and went to counselling, but I wasn’t making progress.  My midwife, an amazing woman who went above and beyond for me, she referred me onto mental health services, which eventually meant I was taking on by the perinatal mental health team. And I was so fortunate to have this support. I was also going to classes for expectant mums who may be struggling in some way, they were also so amazing, I can’t tell you how amazing they really were. I was suddenly surrounded by people who understood that little bit more. My friends, they tried, and some were brilliant, but others stuck their foot in it, accidentally, but still... awkward. I couldn’t handle the comparisons from what I was going through to what they thought I was going through. Being told I was just stressed because I took too much on, some how blaming me for the failings of the hormones in my body. Like I chose to be ill. 

As time went on I differed my final year at uni, I wasn’t able to do the work. I tried to go back to work, but couldn’t. I also had a wedding to plan (just to clarify, not a shotgun wedding we booked the date way before I found out I was pregnant) but my husband had to take on a lot of the wedding planning, bless him, he took on a lot.

So fast forwarding a bit, this time was a lot of crying, sitting and eating, it wasn’t a pretty sight. I tried to prep for baby coming, but every time we went to buy something I had a panic attack, even just looking at clothes, because it had to be perfect, I had to be perfect but didn’t know how to be. 

I should quickly clarify, a lot of my thoughts weren’t about not wanting a baby, it was about me not being good enough for her and she’d be better off if I wasn’t here. 

So a little more fast forwarding, despite having such amazing support, my mental health deteriorated further and at 35 weeks pregnant I voluntarily went into a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU). 

For those who don’t know, MBU’s are mental health wards for mothers who are suffering from perinatal mental health illness. At the time, I was talked into going, because I didn’t want to be away from my husband. The closest MBU is still an hours drive away in a different town. 

I didn’t think I would be there long, maybe a couple of weeks. I was very wrong. I found out that the average stay is 6 weeks (I was actually there for 3 months), this meant I would have my baby there, which I hated the idea of. 

Again, the people who worked with me were so brilliant and so caring. They saved my life. I am fortunate to have met them all (even the one person who worked there that wound me up, and had very poor tv choice ha). It’s strange looking back at the MBU. I have a fondness for the staff, but a hatred for having to be there. It’s odd. You felt constantly watched, because you was. I had my own room but they would come look through a little window to make sure your ok, every hour, even through the night. It’s bizarre how used to it you become. You also had baby monitors in your room, in case you needed help with the baby, but it also felt weird to know I could be heard (I could switch it off when with visitors or on the phone, they weren’t that nosey). 

Last night I had the weirdest feeling, I was in bed in the dark, alone and suddenly I felt like I was there again, like they were going to look through the window and I should hide that I was awake because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Sometimes when you saw the torch shine through so they could look at you I would hide my phone or what ever I was doing, not because I was doing anything wrong but because I didn’t want to talk about why I was still awake, even with sleeping tablets. 

Oh my this post has got long, fair play if you’re still reading. 

So what this long rambling is saying is that, my motherhood journey so far hasn’t been your usual run of the mill. After leaving hospital I received my diagnosis, one of them was post-natal psychosis. They never explained this diagnosis to me, I didn’t know about it until this letter was sent, so I have no idea what part of me was that, presumably the belief that my daughter hated me and I shouldn’t be here. I was also diagnosed with severe reoccurring depression and anxiety, fun right? 

Now this get to the creative stuff, so before all of the above happened I was studying a masters in design, my practice was a little uncertain. I very much worked with 3D printing, electronics and coding. I just hadn’t nailed the direction I wanted to go in. I also lacked some finalisation in my work. During my last year I was doing a really fun project with automation and character, making ways to interact with your surroundings (such as a light switch) by remote and a character, e.g. an astronaut, would complete it. 

The idea was to turn any room into a smart room in a temporary, cost effective way. 

Things have changed since then, a side to me no one knew existed was awakened. When I was in the MBU I was taught how to crochet, now everyone was surprised I took this on. I never had any inclination to do this before, but I loved it. I made a Yoda, who doesn’t love a Yoda. Everyone said I picked it up really quickly and how good I was doing. I didn’t actually enjoy the other craft activities much because I had a sense of perfection that I couldn’t escape, but because crochet was new I could let go of this perfectionism. 

I have carried on with this thought process into other crafts, I went to (pre lockdown) some workshops for mums with mental health trouble and learnt some more crafts. The biggest shocker was sewing, just ask my mum I have always HATED sewing, now I love it. I have learnt how to do embroidery and making my daughter a quilt. It’s freeing. And now I feel like a better designer because I allow myself to fail, which has always been my problem and held me back. I always wanted to acheive the best straight off the bat, it’s nice to let go of that. 

This blog is going to be me being brutally honest, I’ve been through a lot and want a platform to be honest. I know no one is really going to read it but hey ho. It’s also going to be my creative journey. 

Also, no one talks about MBUs and mental health during pregnancy. The only thing I had seen about it was an awful episode of the good doctor where a mother took medication for her mental health to then have a sickly child, of which the blame is placed on her for taking the meds. That’s not the whole episode, there is some other interjections in there but that’s what I saw, whilst being pregnant taking medication, a tad unhelpful.  

Don’t worry this post is coming to an end, mainly as my baby has woken from her nap, so for today toodles. 

#pregnancy #mental health #perinatal mental health #postnatal depression #postnatal physchosis #creative #mystory #crochet #design #designer #hospital #motherandbabyunit #baby #mum #confused mum

[salamandrinanana]

Two weeks into quarantine

Well, plus 3 days now. Took me a bit of time to get on my laptop without anyone looking over my shoulder constantly. 

Quarantine started for me with not physically being able to leave the house for a few days. I never expected those planned “few days” to turn into two weeks, but then on day 2 it was announced that all universities were going to close the next day, which was quite a shock to me. I didn’t expext for things to change that quickly and I don’t know how long things will stay this way. Here’s a bit about how those two weeks have been, who knows how many will follow:

- I’ve been outside for 2 hours max. in these two weeks. Felt oddly reassuring to see that my town hasn’t changed at all. First time out was on day 8 or 9.

- Stayed awake for 39 hours at the beginning of it all. Not fun. And not by choice. I was in too much pain to relax. Got myself dosed up on ibuprofen and slept for 12 hours straight.

- I had exactly one online class. I hated it. Felt really weird and I kept losing focus. Also: group discussions don’t work when you’re thrown in a seperate chatroom thing and your random group members are all afraid of turning on their mic so nothing ends up happening.

- Apart from that online class I haven’t done shit for uni. Can’t focus at home with my brother working in his bedroom a.k.a. constantly calling people and my mother watching TV downstairs when she isn’t at work.

- I’m now in week 1 of 3 of what was supposed to be my official exam period with midterms and shit. I’ve got 3 exams that are going on as normal, because I had to do those at home anyway and there’s one that’s going to be changed a bit so you can do it at home. We’re only going to get 2 hours for that though, normal time for the exam, which absolutely sucks. For the others I have 2 weeks.

- I actually started writing a story. Me. Writing. Never thought I’d get to that point. Progress is really slow, I’m only 2.5k words in and there are lots of details I’m still unsure about and I have no idea wtf is supposed to happen in it yet, but hey I’m writing. It’s about a girl discovering she has superpowers. It’s terrible. She finds out when she tries to kill herself about 500 words in. Yikes why is my brain like this. Oh right because I’m an idiot and my childhood wish of being able to fly has come back to haunt me and I’m telling myself to never try to commit suicide. Writing this is a bit of a weird way of doing it though.

- I also tried digital drawing on this Autodesk SketchBook app. I sort of finished my drawing and it kind of looks how I wanted it to, but I am never going to try that again. Three days of endless fucking pain and getting cramps in my fingers.

- My random obsession with the Chernobyl disaster is back. I’ve spent a lot of time on YouTube watching “stalkers” illegally entering the exclusion zone and staying there for a few days. Fascinating stuff. Would never dare to go there myself.

- I went back to one of those game sites for children that I used to spend hours on as a kid. Because fuck it. (Logical combo of course: Chernobyl and dress-up games; that shit happened on the same day.)

- Looks like I haven’t lost my ability to recognise a Depeche Mode song in 0.4s in the SongPop app.

I’m also pretty good at recognising Neubauten, though they’re kinda hard to find in the game.

- Witnessed Blixa Bargeld making broccoli soup. Possibly the best hour in the whole of these two weeks. He danced!!! 

- Got a phone call from my university's study abroad coordinator. Was told that none of the universities I wanted to go to (Glasgow, Brighton and Manchester) were possible for me. Which is a rare thing, that none of your choices work out; of course that shit happens to me, I seem to be a magnet for bad luck! I somehow managed to keep it together while on the phone, but I was ready to scream or cry. Not sure which. Both have not happened yet but still possible. Now I'm looking into the other options she gave me. Will probably end up going to Leeds. If it's even possible to go anywhere by that time with this whole corona bullshit situation. Well, at least I haven't been rejected...

- Ready to kill my mother and brother because they will never understand how goddamn terrified I am of phone calls. They always think I'm stupid and exaggerating, while they haven't felt my heart pounding in my chest whenever my phone rings. I'm always scared of not knowing what to say. When it's an unknown number it's even worse, having absolutely no idea of what to expect.

- Finally watching series 7 of Endeavour on a Belgian TV channel. 

And, last but not least:

- The VHS Tapes Adventure

I found a big shopping bag full of VHS tapes and dragged out the old VCR. Six of the tapes contained footage of tiny ass kid me and my brother, who’s two years older than me.

I had never seen these tapes before, so it was a bit overwhelming. I had no idea we had footage that actually included sound! All the stuff I had seen before was made with a crappy camera with no sound.

I saw myself when I was less than a day old. I saw myself walk at 10 months. I heard myself slowly learning how to talk. I saw myself in one of those typical “child tries something new to drink and is totally amazed by it” moments, drinking coca cola and immediately demanding more. I saw my now dead grandmother, holding me, playing with me, and I heard her voice again. I cried.

God, it was so overwhelming; and it was weird to actually use a VCR again, last time I did that was over 10 years ago. I had one fuck-up though followed by a bit of a panic attack. I think the VHS went in at a slightly wrong angle, there was lots of noise and then it came out with some tape sticking out of it. God I was terrified, I had never experienced that before and we don’t have backups of any of that childhood footage. I ran to my mum and cried like a baby. She fixed it and was not really worried.

Also, I was left slightly pissed off. I witnessed all of my brother’s birthday parties, starting with his first, but the only birthday party I saw that was for me was when I turned four. Also, there’s a lot more footage of my brother in general. And I know it’s completely stupid, and I get that it was different with my brother because he was the first child, but it still makes me feel bad. 

.

.

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I know there probably won’t be anyone reading this, or getting this far, and I know all of this is not relevant to you even in the slightest, but it feels good to write stuff and share it somewhere at least in the knowledge that someone out there might read this and possibly care? We're in a weird situation right now and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I only speak to other students (I don't really dare to call them friends - we just sort of talk when we see each other but not really outside of that) when I see them in person, so I have not been in contact with them at all these past weeks. This is the only place where I can share stuff now, also because this is the only social media account none of my family are aware of. And it’s really good to have something away from them so that I don’t have to feel embarrassed.

#personal stuff #sort of diary thingy I guess

[sunnyborabora]

Alpha (Jungkook x Reader) Chapitre 5

Y/n is a powerful alpha. Nothing bad in fact except for the fact that she is a female alpha, something so rare that only a few are existing at the same time. Despite this, she is living her life as she wants, until she met Jeon Jungkook. An omega that wants everything but being what he is. They are undoubtedly attract to each other, but they don't seem to know why. As they are trying to start a relationship they have no idea that bigger forces have already planed something.

Warning: a bit of angst, panic attack, mention of violence at the end

Am I being constant? It seems like it! Thank you for all your support I love it and it motivate me to write even more. Here is the 5th chapter we are starting the sirious stuff! I might update the Jimin spin off next week with one of the requests! Love you all

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She was expecting a phone call from her older brother any time soon. Just, maybe, not that soon. Exactly the day after the incident with Sohee happened. She was editing some song she had to lead to her boss soon when her phone buzzed. The familiar name just made her sighted. « Hello. -I don't know why but I thought you weren't going to answer » At least he didn't sound angry. « Since when am I ignoring your calls ? I don't want you to come for me » He laughed. Okay maybe everything was going to be fine. « But seriously. You know why I am calling you ? -You send me Sohee. Honestly I don't know what you were expecting when you send her to me. I don't know what I can do more than dad could have done... -She needed to get away from where she was living. We can't keep here in the pack. It's too tensed lately. » She let go of her guitar, putting it on top of her desk. « What is happening ? Is everything okay ? -I can't tell you anything. You know, since you are not a part of the pack anymore » Maybe he had the intention of hurting her, making her felt isolated. He was forgetting that she was the one who left because she wanted to be free. « I know. I just hope that if something was happening to our parents you would tell me. -Of course. Even if you are stubborn little shit you are still my baby sister. » She scoffed. « Family is family right. -You can say that » he laughed. « But I wasn't calling you only about Sohee. You have an omega ? -I'm really going to have a conversation with those bastards... -Hey, you are the one who is keeping secret. They really thought you would get in trouble for that. Like it wasn't bound to happen. -It's none of their business. What is happening between me and Jungk- I mean the omega, is supposed to stay between us too. -So you take this seriously. -What do you mean ? -I've never heard you being this passionate about one of your partner. Is he taking knot well at l- -That sounds like the end of our relationship as siblings to me. » He laughed not threatened at all. « Possessive much ? Oh my god what is happening to you ? » It was low key scaring Y/n. The feeling of anger and possessiveness in her chest, the reaction of her wolf. It was going crazy inside her chest. There was something wrong with her. « I don't know. Honestly I- -I understand don't worry. Just don't do anything stupid. -Since when am I doing stupid stuff. -Your birth I would say » She simply told him to shut up before he laughed and tell her good bye. Once he hanged up, Y/n kept her phone her hand for a while. When was the last time she talked to a member of her family ? She didn't know. She had no news of her mother, even less of her father. Mark, the one who had just called her was actually the only one who was texting her time to time. She wasn't really sad. She had always been a loner, totally fine by herself. But it wasn't in alpha's culture to be alone. They needed to care for people, to protect. She had fabulous friend that she was able to love and protect but it wasn't the same thing as a pack. She had finally finished the song and was satisfied with it and was already walking down the hall to look for her boss when she received a text from Jungkook. This boy was driving her mad. Wasn't she supposed to be a superior being among wolf, being super duper dominant. And here she was worrying about everything he was doing. She knew something was wrong when she was ready to go to sleep yesterday, and that she could not stop thinking about him. Did he eat well ? Was he going to sleep already ? Was he mad at her for something ? The boy was sensitive, too sensitive. But he was young. Maybe she should just let him live his life until he is ready. This is when she understood that something was off. At the simple thought of letting him go, her wolf went crazy and a strange feeling of sadness and emptiness overcome her. Something was happening with, maybe because she was a female omega or something... She might do some research about it soon. Hi Noona could you come to my apartment after classes I need to talk to you. That was her worst nightmare. « I need to talk to you ». Who was even texting this to someone ! It was torture ! She simply answered that she'll be there before sending her boss the song. She left her work going to uni. Sohee was waiting for her at the bus station. Y/n didn't know why she had to leave where she was before but the girl looked so anxious around others that it must have been hard for her. Her father was a great protector. Even if he was a wolf and that his pack was already one of the biggest, Y/n never saw him refused to help someone. In top of that he was a very intelligent man, everything he was doing was calculated. If he had sent her here it was because he thought Y/n could help her. « Are you okay ? You seem a bit... Stressed... -I have a favor to ask you » Y/n kept driving until she arrived to the parking lot, nodding at the other girl to keep talking. « Can I... Can I like live with you for some time ? » She looked at Sohee trying not to make her panic. « Yeah I mean... We have a spare room. You could live with me I guess » The girl was so reassured that Y/n understood something was really off. She didn't mention it tho, thinking that if until now the witch was going to live with her she would have plenty of time to learn more about it. She dropped Sohee to her archeology class and kept walking. Yoongi was here in front of their classroom. « Well, are you waiting for me or something ? » Y/n didn't know how to explain this but her relationship with Yoongi had changed since she started to go out with Jungkook. What was awkward and tensed before was now fun and still a bit tensed. But it was a lot better. « Sorry who are you again ? -Ah ah funny genius. Seriously what are you waiting for ? -Nothing, let's go » They walked into the room, choosing seat as far away from the teacher possible. The lecture had not started yet so you allowed yourself to ask him something. « When someone is telling « I need to talk to you ». Does it sound bad or good to you ? » He looked at you surprised. « I don't know ? What's the context ? -As in come to my appartment I need to talk to you. -That sounds very bad. » Y/n pouted at him. « What is this face you're making ? In what shit did you put yourself again ? -This is just my face and you are the second person who is telling me that I always put myself into shit today. It's not true » Yoongi smirked at her. « You had your brother on the phone I see. -Yeah, those bitches from yesterday had not waited a second to tell him the entire story. -What did he say ? -Nothing. I asked him why did they send me the witch, and he simply said that as I was not a part of the pack anymore he could not tell me. I feel like something is wrong. » He nodded simply. « Your father is normally taking care of these business. I mean witches. They are pretty useful for packs. Why didn't he kept her ? -I don't know. Something might have happened to her. The girl is terrorized by something but I don't know what. She has an apartment normally, but she asked me if she could live with me from now on. » Yoongi's eyes widen. « Did you said yes ? -Yeah. You know I can't say no to people. And I figured that if there is really something wrong what's a better way to learn more about it than living with her... -This is what I mean when putting yourself into shit you know that... -I could not say no ! If my father thought it was a good idea to send her to me there must be a reason. -You are way too curious. Why can't you live your life normally ? » Y/n started to get irritated. She was just helping her, she could not see a problem into that. « Just don't let Jungkook get involve into that okay. -I don't know why he would be involved. » Yoongi didn't answer making sure that she understood that the conversation was over. The class was going great until the teacher choose to give assignment. Who wanted to write a twenty pages essay about the influence of baroque music on the XVIIth century and it's conflict with classic music ? Y/n knew she was good to spend her day to the library. « Fuck this teacher anyway », said Yoongi being petty about homework. « Ah your ability to talk is back... » He arched a brow, an annoyed expression on his face. You walked away escaping the grumpy alpha. She still had time until her rendez vous with Jungkook. She decided to start that essay before having more work and being unable to work on anything. Her work might be cool but composing was a time-consuming job. Not sleeping and coffee overdose were something common for her. She was silently reading a book when someone caught to catch her attention. It was Jimin, adorable as always. He was smiling to her, his round cheeks making her want to pinch them. « Can I help you Jimin ? -Can I sit with you ? -Of course » She putted her book away, concentrating on him. He took a book he had in his bag and gave it to you. « What is this ? -I was doing research lately... Hum about werewolves dynamic and I came across something... As I know you come from a big pack... Maybe you could answer some of my question... » She tried to breathe slowly, talking about dynamics making her kinda uncomfortable. « Yeah, I'll try to answer. » He nodded slowly opening the book to a precise page. « Do mates exist ? » She lowered her gaze on book and saw that it was an old work, and that indeed this peculiar page was talking about mates. « What is the book saying ? -That it was indeed something some century ago but that mates slowly started to disappear and that now there is not any mates. -From what I know it's true. Some people explain this by the numerous mixed between species. Others think that it's just suddenly stopped. There is more than one theory but all I know is that I never meet mates. » He nodded a bit disappointed. « But I can tell you that they indeed existed. My great grand father had a mate. I never met them obviously but my mother used to tell me their story all the time. She was human. When he met her it was like he felt complete again. His wolf could not bear to be away from her. And once he had met her, not any other women was important. The only thing that mattered was his pack and his mate. » He gulped slightly. « Do you know what are the symptom ? I mean... How do you know when someone is your mate. » Y/n was really thinking that something was wrong today. Why was everyone acting so strange ? Jimin was a dance major. Why was he even doing research about this. « Humm, I think the wolves just knew. They met their mate and suddenly they are feeling different. In a good type of way. If they are away from them they are starting to feel sick and stuff. I mean they can't be separated by too much distance or anything. The link between the mates is to strong and is like hurting the wolves. » He nodded slowly. But she felt as he wasn't done with his question. « Can people from different species be mates ? I mean except human and wolf. -I don't know. I guess that until you are not a vampire, you can be the mates of a wolf. But if you are thinking of dynamics this must be kinda complicated. » Jimin was looking at his hands, fidgeting in his chair. « Jimin is everything okay ? » She was genuinely worried about the little omega. Was something wrong ? Was he hurt ? « No ! It's fine I was just wondering that's all. Thank you Y/n ! You are a better information source than any books in the library ! » She chuckled slightly. « If you need help of course come to me » she said, letting him know that she was not only talking about research. She finished half of her essay and it was already time to leave. In fact, she was already late. The time she walked or more run to her car, she was already ten minutes late. She arrived ten minutes later to Jungkook apartment. She was expecting everything except a crying Jungkook. But when he opened the door he was shivering, tears streaming down his face. She could not control herself as she hug him, a feeling of panic taking over her body. She could feel it, the wolf creeping under her skin, trying to come out. « Jungkook, w-what's happening ? Is there someone here ? Someone hurted you ? » She was looking around the apartment to find someone, something that could have cause his state. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. « I-I don't know ! I feel bad ! » Okay, if she wasn't panicking before she was right now.

« Are you hurt ? Please tell me where ?! » She was trying to back off a little to be able to see him more clearly, but she couldn't even put some space between him and her. His nails that were more looking like claws at the moment, were piercing her shirt to prevent getting away from her. « Alpha ! Please help ! » He wasn't hurt anywhere. She could not smell any blood. The only scent she could identify were Jungkook obviously, but a bit of Taehyung and Jimin too. « Shift Jungkook, come on let it go it's fine » She used her power to force him into the shifting. He fell on his knees, letting go of her body as he started to transform. She wasn't really proud of forcing him into this, but transforming into a wolf was always soothing. The wolf was taking the lead for sometime, letting the human rest for a bit until he was ready to take the lead again. It took 10 second for Jungkook to disappear, letting his place to a big black wolf. The wolf was whimpering a bit, shifting was always a bit of a shock when it was made in such conditions. But after another ten seconds, the wolf was standing tall on his strong paws, watching with attention. « Is it better like this ? Do you feel better ? » The wolf walked in her direction, his wet nose touching the palm of her hand. It felt intimate, as if he was sharing with her something that he wasn't showing anyone else. Which wasn't true because within a pack it was something common. Finally, the wolf attention diverted on something else. She let the wolf alone for a while as it was laying on the couch. She was trying to find something to eat in the apartment. She almost what it was to be a student and to eat only instant noodles. She tried to cook something that would not taste bad, but she wasn't that good at cooking. « Noona ? » She turned around to see a confused Jungkook. « Hey, do you feel better ? -What happened ? I- I don't know... » She turned around to face him, a sweet smile playing on her lips. « Everything is fine don't worry. You panicked a bit and you turned but it's fine now. I cooked something but honestly I would not advise you to taste it. Let's order something okay ? » Jungkook was confused for a bit. When he woke up in his wolf form on his couch, the smell of Y/n everywhere. When he entered his kitchen to see her cooking something, a feeling of domestic affection invaded him. She was beautiful. She was here with him and no one else. He didn't really remember much from before he woke up. Except a feeling of panic and loneliness. Like something was missing. But it was long forgotten now. They ordered pizzas because Y/n ended up burning what she had started to cook. « I told you I sucked at cooking. My mom is so good at it I can't understand » The pizza were good. The feeling of being near her was soothing Jungkook's soul. He felt like he could be himself with her. It was rare that he felt like this. The only people he was comfortable with were his hyungs. And Y/n. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he was woken up by a deep growl in his ear. « Y/n what's- ? » But she could not respond. The big wolf that was almost crushing him had replaced Y/n. « Y/n! » He saw the shadow at the end of the room, near the window. A hooded silhouette was stopped in its movement as the big wolf growl again. Jungkook roll on his side, out of under Y/n. He tried to stand up but it was too late. He heard a bark, the noise of claws against the wood when the wolf charged against the shadow. The silhouette jumped through the open window, the wolf trying to follow, it's jaws clapping trying to catch the intruder. It was too big to follow the shadow. « Y/n ! » She was already shifting back to human. She looked like a fury, messy hair, agitated from the sudden shift. « What just happened ?! » She didn't answer running upstairs. Jungkook followed her running, he was out of breath. « Where is he ?! » She was in her room, looking at the place until her eyes fixed the floor. Everything was a mess as if someone had gone through every single piece of furniture looking for something, that they did not find. « Jungkook ? » He took a deep breath, finally breathing after a while. « Yes ? » She turned around. Her eyes were as red as blood. « Take your things. We are leaving » He stayed shock for a few seconds before moving as fast as he could. It was like he was possessed. He didn't realized he was crying until he heard Y/n on the phone. She was screaming at someone, but he could not comprehend anything. She took her bag and her keys. He simply followed. At this point he was radiating panic. He could not help it. He had no idea of what just happened. The ride was silent, until Jungkook started crying. He really could not help it. The all situation. How Y/n, his alpha was tensed. It was a chemical reaction that he could not help. « Please don't cry. » She was not looking at him, eyes still fixing the road. He simply felt her hand on his thigh in a reassuring manner. « It's fine, everything is going to be fine » It's the last words she said before everything went silent again. He could feel an incertitude in her tone that he was not used to. He recognized Namjoon and Yoongi neighborhood only after some time. He was so tired his mind was going in slow motion. She parked in front of the building before exiting the car. He followed her, walking as closely as he could, which was stupid. She was not going to run away. « Yeah, Yoongi. We just arrived » She nodded and hang up. She looked at him and Jungkook melted. Her hands in his was making all his worries disappeared for a while. It was reassuring. They arrived in front of Namjoon and Yoongi's apartment faster than he could think of as she had dragged him around the corridors. Namjoon opened the door. His hair were messy, and he was probably still in what was his pajamas. She simply gave him a nod before entering the apartment. Namjoon smiled at Jungkook, and he suddenly wanted to hug the alpha to death. Inside the apartment was all his friends, Jimin jumped from the couch and came crash into Jungkook arms. « Jungkook are you okay ? » He simply noded at Jimin following him to the couch where he sat next to Taehyung who squeezed him into a hug as well. Being surrounded by his friends was something he loved, he felt at ease and safe. « Y/n what happened ? » It was Namjoon. « We were sleeping when I felt, someone was here. I didn't catch who it was. -Did you catch a smell ? -No, this is what I meant by felt. There was nothing, no smell, just magic. -What do you mean ? » Yoongi was looking at her, trying to understand. She looked clueless. « I have no idea. I-I don't know... » She looked at Namjoon. « Something is up. I have no idea of what it is yet. But I need to find out. -What do you mean something is up ? » She looked around, looking at Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook, as if she was hesitating to speak as they were here. « You can speak, if there is any danger, they need to know to. » She took a deep breath before starting : « A few weeks ago, my father send me someone. The only thing I knew at this point was that I had to protect her. I met her as soon as she arrived and I realized she was a witch. My father, he is used to taking care of people. When a coven or a smaller pack is in need, he usually offered his help in exchange for the loyalty of the one he helped. This is why it didn't really surprise me when he talked to me about this witch, Sohee. But I can't help but wonder why he didn't keep her with him ? I don't know. » Namjoon seemed to think for a bit. « Do you know why she was sent to you ? If she was ; it's because her coven had a problem in first hand. -I don't know why she was sent to me. I was surprised because, she marked a pause in her sentence , well I don't really know what my father's pack is doing. I am independent. I don't know why me... But she told me, when we met the first time, that she could not stay with her coven anymore, and had been forced to leave. » Yoongi finally spoke. « You should call your father. If the arrival of the witch and the event of tonight are linked, we need the all story. -I can't ask my father, you know this. -He can't refuse you that. Even after everything that happened, you are still his daughter » Y/n snickered bitterly. « He won't tell me anything, you know him. Definitely not if I am playing the « I am your daughter » card. His pack and the code is more important. -What do you suggest ? -I am going to ask him from an outside perspective. If I present myself like an alpha from another pack, he might agree to tell me what really is going on » Namjoon nodded, but suddenly Taehyung spoke « Is it really that serious ? Aren't we making links between things that make no sense ? A witch is coming in town and suddenly everything is going down » Jimin who was near Jungkook was nearly vibrating now. The young omega had felt how his friend had been agitated since the beginning of this conversation. « It is linked. The intruder he tried to steal something. I think I interrupted him as he was looking for it in the living room. -What is it ? » She didn't answer. « For now on I should try to call Sohee. I am worried about her. She told me last time I saw her that she wasn't feeling safe about something and- » Jimin literally jumped on his feet. Jungkook didn't even see him move. « Jimin is everything okay ? » Y/n could see that something was wrong. Jimin was panicking, his eyes gold, his wolf on the verge of tacking the control. « Jimin calm down » Namjoon said and the omega stopped trembling as soon as he heard his alpha. Y/n looked at Yoongi, but the other alpha looked as incredulous. « Teahyung, Jungkook and Jimin you should stay here with Jin » Namjoon looked at the older man and Jin nodded in agreement. Jungkook was ready to object. He wanted to come. He wasn't a child, and he could defend himself ! But Seing Jimin like this he didn't want to leave his friend. « I am calling Sohee to see if she can come. » She walked in another room with her phone. « What are we going to do after that ? » Yoongi asked. « The most important now is to make sure everyone is safe and to gather the more information we can. We can't play a game if we don't know all the rules. » Yoongi nodded as he was sitting now on the couch, Jimin glued to his side, as Hoseok was on the other side, having a beta and an alpha near him was the most reassuring for him. « Sohee doesn't answer her phone » Y/n was holding her phone, and Jungkook could tell she wasn't as confident as before. « She could be asleep, it's literally the middle of the night. Everyone should be asleep » Jimin had started trembling again. « I feel... I – I feel, fuck » Y/n approached him. « Jimin, I know something is up... I am not asking you to tell me anything but please, if you know something about Sohee. Tell me » Jimin started crying. « Something is happening, I don't know what. You need to find her. » Y/n didn't need more. She looked at Namjoon and without a word they seemed to understand each other. « I am going to her apartment. -Take Yoongi and Hoseok with you. You might need back up » She nodded and walked toward the door, but she stopped in her track. She turned around, looking at Jungkook. He rose up from the couch and walked toward her. « You really need to go... -I do, I'll be back soon. -I should go with you -No. Stay here. Help Taehyung and Jin tacking care of Jimin. He needs your help. -There is Namjoon hyung... -Namjoon won't be here, he has something to do too. But promise me to be carefull. » He took her in his arms, and she gave him a reassuring embrace. Yoongi was waiting with Hoseok at the door. And she finally followed them leaving Jungkook. Y/n wasn't imagining her week to turn out like this. « I can't believe I am letting you drive. Do you even have your driving license » She was ready to throw Yoongi out of the window at the next comment he was going to do. They arrived at her apartment faster than they should have, maybe because respecting the signalization seemed pretty trivial to Y/n now. Yoongi had almost chocked her twice during the ride, thankfully Hoseok was here to save the day. « She should be here. She doesn't go out that much. Even at all. » They smelled nothing suspect on their way to the apartment. Only the smell of humans, werewolf. Y/n knocked on the door but there were no response. « She must be sleeping » But Y/n knew it was not the case. Something was wrong. « Nobody knows how to pick up a lock ? » To Y/n's surprise Hoseok knew how to pick a lock. Yoongi was also surprised but he played it off better. As Y/n suspected there was no one in the apartment. The smell of Sohee was so weak, it was like she had not been there for a while. It was not reassuring at all. « Y/n ! Come here ! » It was Yoongi. He was in the space where the kitchen was. Y/n closed her eyes when she entered the room. It smelled like blood. « There was a fight here. Look at the window » Indeed, a scratch from what looked like a hand on the paint from the window border. « It's like someone tried to hang on there, fuck » Indeed, fuck. The person she had promised to protect, the person who probably hold the answer to what was currently happening, had disappear. « I have to find her. » Yoongi looked at her in the eyes. « We are going to find her don't worry ».

#fanfiction #bts #bts fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #alpha omega #jeon jungkook x you #jeon jungkook reader insert #omega jungkook #alpha reader #kpop fanfiction #kpop fluff #kpop smut #kpop angst #werewolves #supernatural!au

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Begin Again (Episode 32)

I didn't talk to Tess the whole way to Sulani, a 2 hour car ride of just staring out the window, I was still furious with what she had said to Angus, it wasn't her business what we were doing and she had no right to yell at him or myself. Ive never gotten in the middle of her and Declan, even when they've had their fights I've never taken sides or attacked Declan, telling him that it was his fault and I feel so betrayed that she broke my trust and used it against me. We'd never gone this long without making up, even as kids we'd be best friends again by morning but this time was different, she'd gone too far and was over stepping.

When we arrived at the holiday home we walked in and looked around, it is a beautiful island style house, two stories, kitchen and living downstairs, bathroom and four bedrooms upstairs. I picked the room right at the end of the hall, it was the smallest but has a great view of the beach, Cassie and Sam were in the room next to me and Tess and Declan are across the hall from them, leaving the other end bedroom free. I unpack my suitcase and decided that I needed time alone on the beach, I had the forethought to pack a bucket and spade because I love to make sandcastles. I change into my swimwear, slather myself in sunscreen, grab my beach towel and make my way to the sand.

I remember Angus telling us that the property also has a private beach so I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with crowds of tourists and beach goers, I can just sit in silence and create a masterpiece. I'd been out there for an hour when I feel someone is standing behind me, watching, I turn around and see that it's Tess, she has a nervous look on her face like she's scared to approach me.

"I've been looking for you" She tells me in small voice

"I've been sitting here for an hour so clearly you didn't look hard enough" I snap at her

"Zoey I hate when we fight and it's going to make for a horrible holiday if my best friend won't even speak to me" She says, coming down to sit beside me on my towel

"I hate when we fight too Tess but you shouldn't of gotten involved, I would never of done that with you and Declan and you know it" I reason with her and she hangs her head

"I know, I just don't like seeing you get strung along. I like Angus, don't get me wrong, he's my friend too but he's not being fair on you, he has you in this holding pattern, waiting for him to decide when he's going to take you back and he keep acting like he's still your boyfriend but without actually being your boyfriend, he's stopping you from moving on and he knows it." She explains and I know she's right, I just haven't been able to admit it to myself, I kept thinking if I played along then eventually he would want me back but I secretly hate just being friends with him.

"I don't know what to do Tess, I want him back, to how it was and he doesn't want that but I don't want to not have him in my life because that makes me miserable. I love him and I'm not allowed to love him" I cry

"You can love him Zo, he still loves you too but you have to accept that he can't go back and you need to move on or it will destroy you and I don't want to see you be that girl who couldn't move on from the boy who broke her heart" She says, putting her arm around my shoulders

"Well what do you suggest I do?" I ask her

"Stay friends with him if you think you can handle just being friends but set some boundaries that you're comfortable with, like no flirting because that's just messing with your head." She advises, "If Angus woke up to himself and realised he should be with you then I'd support you both completely because I know you'd be happy and I know he's a good guy, he made one mistake and he is punishing himself and you for it but if he moved past that and came back I wouldn't say a word, neither would the others either, we just want to see you happy, with Angus or not" She promises

"You need to call him Tess, you two need to work this out because you're friends and what you said really hurt him, even if you are right." I urge her

"I'll call him now and sort it, it will be all good sis" She says hugging me.

I leave her on the beach to make the call and go back up to the house where the others are planing where to go out tonight.

"The Sandbar is good" I suggest and they agree that we will go there. I walk off to the shower to wash the sand off myself and start getting ready for our first night out on the island. I pick out an outfit to wear, the climate here is very tropical, you walk outside and instantly start sweating, I pull out my red mini skirt and a white singlet. I keep my make up at a bare minimum because I know it will just sweat off once I walk outside anyway and pull my hair up into a messy bun because the tropical weather is making it frizz like crazy. I walk back downstairs as Tess comes into the house.

"We sorted it out" She says smiling at me and I hug her.

"Fantastic, go get ready, we are going to The Sandbar for dinner, drinks and dancing" I order her

"That's so weird, Angus just suggested we go there tonight too" Tess laughs

We walk to The Sandbar, it's not too far from our house and it gives us a chance to take in the amazing sunset over the island water, the smell of hibiscus flowers fills the air.

"I could live here forever" I announce to the group, the girls both walking hand in hand with their partners and I'm walking behind them, dancing along the path.

"It's a great place to visit but I couldn't live here" Cassie tells me, "I want to live that apartment city life, to be amongst the business of a city that never sleeps" .

We arrive at the bar after a 15 minute walk, it's not too busy tonight but we see other school leavers who are celebrating the end of high school. We order drinks and enough food to feed a small army and sit at the lounges out the front.

"Do you think we will stay in touch now that we're out of School" Sam asks the group

"I think we will" Cassie assures him but none of us know what next year will bring.

As the night gets later the bar becomes busier, filled with a mixture of school leavers and people on uni break for the year. In the crowd I see the face of someone who I recognise but I can't quite pinpoint where I know him from and then it hits me, that's Charlie, the guy who got my number at The Rattlesnake bar a few weeks ago but never contacted me and I guess with all the Angus drama I kind of forgot all about it. He must be staying on the island for uni break. I point him out to Tess and she suggests I should go say hello to him

"What could it hurt?" Tess points out and I agree.

Charlie is sitting with a group of 4 boys drinking beers and talking loudly and I get a flutter of butterflies as I approach his table.

"Hey Charlie" I greet him and he turns to face me and smiles brightly.

"Hey, I remember you, Zoey right?" He asks

"Yeah, that's right, we met at The Rattlesnake about a month ago" I remind him

"Oh yeah, I got your number and I totally meant to call and ask you out but I've just been so crazy busy. You look amazing babe, love that skirt on you" He says, putting his hand on my back and I feel a tingling sensation go down my spine

"Thanks and that's all good about not calling, I've been really busy too" I assure him

"How long are you staying on the island for?" He asks

"A week, we just arrived this afternoon." I reply, "What about you?"

"We leave tomorrow afternoon, been here since Tuesday, an impromptu trip for Uni break" He explains as he finishes his beer, "Lets get a drink Zoey" He suggests and we walk together to the now crowded bar, we squeeze in and try to get the mixologist's attention but we are having no luck. I feel someone squeeze in beside me and they start clicking their fingers to get the mixologist to come over.

"What can I get you sir?" She asks him

"They we're here before me" I hear him tell the mixologist, I turn to thank him and am shocked to see Angus standing beside me.

"Why are you here? You're meant to be at your cousin's house having dinner" I exclaim

"She'll have a vodka soda and I'll have a rum and coke thanks" He tells the waiting bar staff while ignoring Charlie, "I got home and Immie and Justin were at it again, in the kitchen this time and I couldn't get to my room so I called up Steph and Annabelle and asked if they wanted to come away for a few days, hope that's ok?" He explains to me

"It's your house" I remind him and I feel Charlie's arm around my waist, for a moment I forgot that he was next to me.

"Lets go find a table babe" Charlie says to me

"You'll be hard up finding one in here now, I think we got the last one" Angus says to Charlie, pointing to where Annabelle and Steph are sitting, "Come sit with us" He urges me with a big smile on his face, I turn to Charlie and he nods in agreement.

Steph jumps up from the table when she sees me coming

"Zoey, sweetie, you look amazing, I love that skirt, it's hot" she greets me, hugging me tightly

"Hey Zo, sorry to ambush your holiday" Annabelle apologises

"It's all good" I tell her, it's awkward but it's great to see them here.

"Who's your friend?" Steph asks as we take our seats, Charlie on one side of me, Angus on the other

"This is Charlie, we met a few weeks ago at The Rattlesnake" I introduce him to the group, "And this is Annabelle, Steph and Angus" I tell Charlie

"How do you all know each other" Charlie asks suspiciously, I was hoping that question wouldn't come up

"Well Annabelle is my girlfriend" Steph explains, which is also news to me, I knew they were best friends but I didn't realise they were in a relationship, "And Angus is my ex boyfriend, we all went to school together and Angus is.."

"Zoey's personal trainer" Angus interrupts Steph, giving her a look, Steph rolls her eyes at him.

"What do you do Charlie?" Annabelle asks, breaking the tension between Steph and Angus

"I just completed my first year at Uni, communication degree" Charlie replies

"Oh a Uni boy, you must see your fair share of frat parties" Steph muses

"Yeah, things get pretty wild, I was just saying that to Zoey, I got her number that night at The Rattlesnake and I just completely forgot to call her because of all the end of year parties" Charlie laughs, "You know how it gets"

"Not really, I've never forgotten to call a girl I'm into and I run my own business so I'm guessing I'd be busier than you would ever dream of" Angus tells him smiling.

"Well I just go with the flow, it's meant to happen it will, like Zoey being here tonight, it was meant to be" Charlie says, smiling at me and I see Steph laughing.

"I bet you have a lot of those meant to be encounters often hey Charlie? An attractive man such as yourself, I'm sure you have no troubles getting laid" Steph asks in her flirtatious tone

"I do alright, helps that I'm highly skilled" Charlie says, winking at me

"I remember when we were at uni and we had this theory about the guys who tell you they're good in bed" Steph laughs

"What was your theory?" Charlie asks curious

"Well if a guy has to do his own adverting it usually means he's going to be shit and were going to have to fake it. Girls talk, if it's good or bad" Steph explains to Charlie, "Like take Angus here, it's been almost 3 years since we last slept together but he was highly skilled, as you phrased it, yet I've never heard him boast to anyone about how good he is" She says, smiling brightly at Angus and I realise it's true as confident as he is he never boasted about being good at sex.

"Thanks Steph" Angus clinks his glass against hers

"So how does your girlfriend here feel about hearing you talk up your ex like this?" Charlie asks smugly

"I'm all good with it, I'm not insecure in my relationship, Steph and I know all about each others past experiences" Annabelle chimes in, smiling at Steph, she takes Steph's hand and gives it a kiss.

"I've got plenty of stories of bad sexual encounters too. All girl's have at least one guy they've slept with who was shit in bed" Steph laughs and Angus looks directly at me, I know exactly he's thinking too.

"I don't have one" I confess to the group and I see the relief come over Angus' face, Steph clinks her glass against his, a silent congratulations.

"Yeah but how many people have you slept with Zoey?" Charlie enquires, I wasn't expecting a follow up question.

"Just one but he was amazing, he always put me first and made sure I was comfortable and taken care of" I tell Charlie

"So you've got nothing to really compare it to then, it could be shit and you would have not idea because it was your only sexual partner ad I'm guessing it was a high school boy too" Charlie laughs to himself, "You should come back to my hotel room and I'll give you something to compare mr perfect to" Charlie suggests, smug smile spread across his stupid face.

"Actually it wasn't a high school boy and I'm not going anywhere with you, I'm sure that would only end in disappointment and disgust" I scold him and the group bursts out laughing

"Are you serious babe? You can't wear a skirt like that and then play miss innocent" He says, putting his hand high on my thigh and sliding it up under my skirt, he leans over and forces his lips onto mine, stabbing his tongue into my mouth, I feel completely violated and I manage to pull away from him and look at Angus, his fists are clenched and he's being held back by Steph  Ive never seen him look so angry, I look back at Charlie who is grinning like he won a prize.

"Told you I was better than Mr Perfect" Charlie exclaims and I've had enough, without even thinking I punch his creepy face and walk away from the table. My hand feels like it's on fire as I storm through the bar searching for Tess, I find her sitting on the lounges out the front, she sees me coming and jumps up

"What did he do?" She yells, she can see I'm crying

"He put his hand up my skirt and then forced a kiss on me so I punched him in his smug face" I tell her as Charlie comes storming out of the bar with Angus hot on his heels.

"Fucking slut" Charlie screams at me and Angus grabs him and shoves him against a wall.

"Angus let him go, he's not worth it" I yell and he backs off, Charlie runs off up the street.

"Are you ok?" Tess asks after the drama has settled down and the onlookers have disappeared.

"My hand is sore but good, he was just vile" I tell her, rubbing my hand which still feels like its in a world of pain

"I'll walk you home" She offers but I don't want to ruin her night

"I'm fine to go alone Tess, it turns out I can throw a mean punch if I need to" I laugh

"Well you know who you have to thank for that" She says pointing at Angus who is standing with Steph and Annabelle by the door.

"Did you know he was coming here?" I ask her, knowing she spoke to him this afternoon

"No but we did have a good talk this afternoon and cleared a lot of things up, lets just say I got a few things wrong" She tells me, I hug her and start walking toward home.

"Zoey wait up" I hear Angus call out after me and I turn around, he says goodbye to the group and runs up to where I am, "I'll walk with you"

"You really don't have to, I'm fine, I'm just going back to put some ice on my hand" I say smiling at him.

"I have a surprise for you, the girls helped me do it and I kind of want to be there when you see it" He tells me, he takes my good hand and starts walking

"So Annabelle and Steph are together?" I ask him

"Yeah, I only found out a few months ago, they're happy and I'm happy for them" He says smiling down at me, "Can I hold your good hand?" he asks and I hold out my left hand for him.

"Who knew those boxercise classes would one day pay off?"I laugh

"You got him really good too, the little fucker didn't see it coming" He tells me

"Well I knew if I didn't hit him you were going to"I exclaim

"I wanted to hit him when he put his hands on you while we were standing at the bar" He admits and I shake my head.

"I'm never talking to another boy in a bar ever again, what a creeper" I laugh

"Not all men are like that though Zo, don't cast them all off because of one bad apple" Angus reminds me.

We reach the house and Angus grabs an ice pack from the freezer, wraps a towel around it and puts it on my hand.

"So I believe there was mention of a surprise for Zoey?" I ask, getting excited, Angus' surprises never disappoint.

"Come with me" Me says taking my good hand and walking me up the stairs to the end bedroom that I'm staying in, he stops outside the door, nervous look on his face, I look at him confused

"Everything ok?" I probe, I don't know why we are just standing at the closed door, surely the door isn't my surprise.

"Yeah I'm just thinking that maybe this is just bad timing and you'll think I'm only doing it because of that douche canoe tonight but I want you to know I did this before I saw you at the bar and it's OK if you don't want to do it" He rambles on

"Angus when did you become the over thinker and I become the confident one who goes around punching boys?" I laugh at him and reach for the door knob and open the door, inside he has spread rose petals all over the bed and theres a bunch of roses on the bedside table, the room smells divine and looks amazing.

"You did this for me?" I cry

"Annabelle and Steph helped, Tess too" He says

"Tess helped? How?" I ask him confused

"By going off at me last night, she was right Zoey, everything she said was right, I'd been angry at you for leaving but it was me that made you want to leave by lying and I only caused us to break up, you had every right to leave me and I'm so grateful you came back" He says  

"Why did you do this though?" I ask confused by what it means.

"I wanted to ask you if you'd be my girlfriend again? Like I said the timing seems bad because of what happened at the bar and I'll understand if you say no" He asks in a nervous tone and I stand there, looking around the room, taking in what he's asking of me.

"Angus, for future reference and I'm kind of hoping it never happens again after tonight but if you see me in a bar with some random guy and you know that you've done this big romantic gesture for me to ask me to be your girlfriend then just kiss me you damn fool" I laugh at him and he relaxes.

"I didn't want to step on the kids toes although he let another man buy you a drink so that should of been the red flag that he maybe wasn't going to have the best of intentions for my Princess." He smiles widely at me, "You still haven't answered my question though" He reminds me

"I love you Angus Theodore McKenzie and I would love to be your girlfriend but only under two conditions" I announce to him.

"And what are those conditions?" He asks, taking me into his arms.

"One, that our friendship rules still remain in place, all of them" I tell him

"Deal and the other condition?" He questions me

"You take off your pants and show me your tattoo" I smile wickedly at him

"Can I kiss you first? Ive been dying to kiss you for so long now, you have no idea how many times I almost did" He asks coming in close to my face but I pull away and he looks at me oddly

"I'm going to go brush my teeth and wash my mouth out because that fucker forced the most disgusting kiss on me" I explain and I leave him in the room so I can go detox of Charlie. I brush my teeth, twice and swish mouth wash around my mouth until I can't stand the burning sensation anymore. On my way back to the bedroom I hear the others walk in the door, I stand at the top of the steps to try and catch Steph's attention, she sees me and sneaks away from the others.

"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?" She asks concerned

"Really good, thank you for helping him with the decorating of the room, I loved it and I just wanna say I'm happy for you too, that you found love with Annabelle because she's an absolute sweetheart of a person and so are you" I say as I throw my arms around her

"It was no trouble Z, Angus did  most of the work anyway, he called the florist and picked up the roses, all Annabelle and I did was keep watch and make sure you didn't come home early." She spills, "Did you say yes though? That's what I'm dying to know"

"Yeah I did which is kind of why I wanted to talk to you, I know it's weird the girlfriend coming to the ex girlfriend but we're friends and you're my most, experienced friend, please don't take that the wrong way either" I say nervously

"Of course we are friends honey, you held me when my dog died even though you thought I'd stollen your boyfriend, you're a gem Zoey, what do you need? I haven't got condoms, I'm kind of not in the need for them anymore" She laughs

"No, I don't need protection, I have that covered for when we do, you know but I want to make it special, I need you to come to a lingerie store with me if that's not too much to ask" I say fumbling my words, I don't know why I'm nervous, we've both had sex with him before at some point in our lives.

"Do you wanna go tomorrow, theres a store on the mainland, along Magnolia Promenade, we will go there tomorrow and find you something to take his breath away" She whispers to me, "By the way, you know he's standing down the hall watching us like the dirty perv he is" She says loud enough for him to hear

"She said she was going to the bathroom to brush her teeth and she never came back, I'm still waiting on a kiss" He explains to Steph

"I need to borrow Zoey for something special tomorrow" Steph tells him and he looks at us like we are up to something

"Rule number 3 Zoey, no keeping secrets" He reminds me

"Not a secret, a surprise for you and you'll love it" I promise him

"You can borrow my car" He says to Steph. Tess and Cassie come running up the stairs to see whats going on.

"Angus and I are back together" I announce to them and they drag me into Cassie's room to get all of the details of the night, from Charlie sticking his hand up my skirt and forcing a kiss on me, which led to me punching him and now to the rose petal covered bed I came home to tonight, my hand still hurts but having Angus back eases the pain a little.

"Im happy for you Zoey" Tess says with a big wide smile on her face and I know she means it too, I hug them both. Theres a knock on the door and it opens, Angus comes in and hugs Tess

"Thank you for the wake up call, I needed it" He tells her

"I didn't feel good about going off at you and I know I've been overstepping so I promise from this point on I'll mind my own business and if Zoey tells me anything I won't use it against you" Tess swears to him and I know she will keep her word.

"Would you ladies mind if I took my girlfriend to her bedroom because I haven't kissed her yet and she's requested to see my full tattoo so I need to keep my lady happy and satisfy her" He says winking at me.

Back in our bedroom he closes the door and takes me into his arms and kisses me softly and slowly, I feel like I'm going to melt, this is how a kiss is meant to go, not forced upon you by some sleazebag who is just trying to get laid.

"My princess, I've missed kissing you baby" He tells me sweetly

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we had a deal, get your pants off Theodore" I demand laughing at him

"You're so bossy, it's such a turn on" He says as he takes off his pants and slides his boxers down to the floor and for the first time I get full view of how I am represented on him, It's a giant tattoo of a fish that is made up of smaller pieces, it wraps around his thigh and ends on his left butt cheek.

"I love it baby, I really do" I say kissing him

"Zoey you've never called me baby before, you've only ever called me by my name, or Theodore, never by a cute pet name" He says surprised.

"I didn't feel comfortable doing it, I wanted to but I thought I'd sound silly but now I'm completely comfortable with you, you're my boy." I explain to him and he kisses me on the forehead.

"Yes I am Princess and I'm going to do this right this time which means we are going on dates, actual dates, not just to the food stalls, I'm talking you get dressed up and I take you fancy places where they make you eat with cutlery" He laughs, "And then I bring you home and make love to you" He promises

"Unless Imogen and Justin are already at it somewhere in the apartment" I joke with him and he buries his head in my neck.

"Don't remind me, I couldn't even pack to come here because they were at it like rabbits in the kitchen and they're so fucking loud too, I'm surprised down stairs hasn't come banging on our door with a noise complaint." He groans, "I just need to buy my own house"

"Not apartment? Is Angus Mckenzie going to be slumming it in the suburbs like us peasants?" I ask poking fun at him and he laughs

"You're not a peasant, you're a Princess and yes, I have been thinking about buying a house, I've been asking Don for some advice on Brindleton Bay, I want to get a yard so we can have a puppy" He says, sharing his plans with me

"I'll be living in this house too will I?" I question him, I know we talked about living together next year but that was before the break up so I thought he may not want to anymore.

"Of course baby, it will be our house" He tells me as we clear the bed of rose petals and he puts his boxers back on.

We climb into bed, it's been such a long, exhausting day but I'm so glad to be ending it with Angus.

"I haven't got protection" He whispers to me in the dark, it's like he can read my mind, knowing I want to resume all aspects of our relationship

"I'm not on the pill anymore, I need a new prescription and I didn't see the point considering I wasn't having sex" I explain

"I thought that might be the case, I'll get some tomorrow" He promises and he kisses me softly, "I love you Princess"

"I love you too baby, thank you for my roses and for making my bad night good again" I tell him, I'm so glad he's mine again

#sims #the sims 4 #the sims island living #the sims 4 cats and dogs #the sims 4 simblr #sims 4 story #taylor swift

[lunamoonprism90-blog]

First blog

Hey there.  As the title says, this is my first blog!  

I’ve got to be honest, I am pretty scared doing this but I am hoping that I can overcome that and use this platform to express feelings and topics I want to write about :).  

I don’t mind if anyone ever reads this, to be honest this is just for me.  So, lets start! 

A little bit of the basic stuff about me - 

I’m 29 and live in London, UK.  I’m married and have a doggo, I have a decent job.  Seem’s like a pretty average, nice life. 

Here’s the thing (and the reason I wanted to start this blog), I have depression and have problems with anxiety.  Usually, like 80% of the time I’m pretty much okay, or at least I sort of just muddle through the every day. 

A bit of a background on my “journey with depression and anxiety” - As a young child, I was painfully shy around others.  I was always nervous to make friends by myself, I’d usually wait for people to speak to me first.  Of course, growing up I had plenty of friends though!  I was always scared to go anywhere by myself, I clung to my parents quite a bit.  Even at a young age, of about 3 or 4 I would make up excuses to try get out of situations that frightened me. 

As I got older, I did gain some confidence but I was still pretty quiet.  Especially when it came to something I felt ZERO confidence in, such as maths classes (I suck at maths haha).  I could never quite understand what it was I was missing, or why I didn’t understand what was being explained in class.  Moving on, PUBERTY!  Puberty hit me early on, in primary school in fact.  I started to develop way earlier than my friends.  I did for the most part ignore it, thinking my friends will catch up and we’ll be the same eventually.  Secondary school started and I think this is when the issue with my body started to come in to play.  My friends all grew and stayed slim.  I stayed the same height from early on in my teens.  My boobs were bigger than my friends and I hated that I had a much bigger chest than everyone else.  I looked at myself as short and podgy and so began the comparison of myself to others.  I had braces for a large chunk of my teens too - this is also made me very wary of my appearance. 

Looking back, I was very slim as a teen and I weighed only about 7 and a half stone, but I thought I was fat/chubby.  There was a point when I was hanging around with some girls who were pretty cruel to not only myself but to my other friends too.  They made me feel ugly.  I get why they did it - they were deeply insecure themselves.  Teenagers are, I’ve not met a teen in my whole life who isn’t insecure about something!  Its normal, I guess? 

The older I got, I started to doubt myself and due to that I let myself fail in a number of areas, one being school.  I let boys affect my mood and I allowed myself to base my whole being off of them and how they made me feel, whether it be happy or sad (mainly the latter).  I as cruelly compared to other young girls and told I was second best etc.  What a thing to tell anyone, but looking back again it was coming from another teenager who definitely did not know the severity of their words.  Words that I would carry on with me even to this day. 

I met my future husband at quite a young age (still a teen though) - 17 years old.  He helped marginally with my confidence, but at the same time could knock it all away with a click of his fingers.  I wanted to be perfect for him, I wanted to be number 1.  Because of all the self doubt I had about myself, I struggled to see that I was number 1 to him.  Not to say that me and my husband haven’t had bad times and that he is perfect.  Far from it, but I’ll explain more on that shortly. 

In to my 20′s now and I started to slowly put on weight, I had fallen out with a lot of my school friends.  I was becoming isolated and pretty miserable.  At 20 I went to uni.  The next 4 years at uni were hard, extremely hard.  I felt guilty for going to to uni - my husband had his own insecurities about me going to uni (bear in mind I didn’t move away for uni and in fact lived only 20 minutes away).  I struggled to feel worthy at uni.  I compared myself to others, everyone was so much smarter than I was.  They always knew what to say and they had good grades etc... so I started to despise others in my classes and my anxiety started to sky rocket.  I was also working part time whilst studying too, which added on extra pressure.  I would come home from either uni or work and lock myself in the bathroom (despite usually being home alone) and I would cry.  Sob in fact.  I would start to contemplate suicide then - always the thought of hanging myself.  The self harming would start then too, but I thought I was always pretty smart about it.  I wanted to continue to seem to everyone else that I was okay, so I would hit myself... bruise the top of my legs, pinch myself and dig my nails in.  I never wanted anything permanent as I never wanted to anyone to find out my secret.  My husband found out though.  (we still wasn’t married at this time, e was living together though).  He didn’t fully understand, I’m not sure if he still does.  He has listened to me crying over the years and tried to help, but at the same time he has also made it worse.  Our arguments have been pretty bad over the years and usually would be to do with our equally low self-esteem. 

I have never felt good enough for him.  When we first got together, I was already pretty insecure as I said before and there was another young girl who my future husband at the time as still interested in/had feelings for.  This girl, although I’m not sure if she ever knew was the basis for A LOT of our horrible arguments in our late teens and early 20′s.  Because of this we have both become horribly insecure about each of us having friends of the opposite sex, or even friends who could be “influential” to us.  Anyway, I have never felt good enough for him... he has left me quite a few times, especially in the recent years (once this year) and yes I do understand it’s been because of his insecurities too but I really am not sure if he knows the impact this has had on me. 

2019 has been one hell of a rough year.  My grandmother has dementia and lives in a care home, my brother is currently under going treatment for cancer.  I feel pretty miserable in my job and I was in a car crash in the summer too.  I don’t have any close friends anymore, so I find it hard to talk to anyone. In the last recent weeks I have felt at my lowest and I have attempted/contemplated suicide twice.  I have been neglecting my anti-depressants and I have had panic attacks. 

My depression not only affects me mentally, but physically too.  I over-eat, meaning that slow weight gain has most certainly caught up over the years.  I struggle to be motivated/go out to places.  I am always so tired, I could actually sleep for days on end if I as allowed.  I have multiple knots and tension in my shoulder and I have actually been signed off work for stress this week.  But I am using this week to change how I am feeling.  To take the time for me and to heal these wounds.  Of course it is going to take longer than this week, but I am hoping to kick-start it this week and really take the time to focus on ME.  

I am going to be writing more posts of what I have tried and going to be trying for the rest of this week and any tips I have found helpful in the past.  

And maybe some more just about me :). 

Thanks!! 

LunaMoonPrism

[apotatomashedbybts]

I'll Be Your Knight

[GENRE: fluff, slight angst

Pairing: Jimin×reader , Taegi

Soulmate!Taehyung, BestFriend!Yoongi

Word Count: 2.6k+]

[Summary: When Y/n met Jimin she knew that it was a love at first sight. But she didn't expect the consequences that came with loving him. After their unwilling separation will Y/n be able to do what it takes to get him back?

A story of love, loss, fight, dreams, and friendship...]

Chapter VII : Problem Solved?

"You are going to regret taking the decision." I said cracking my knuckles.

"That's quite bold of you to think when you are up against us alone!" saying this they started laughing.

"Sorry, but she is not alone." Yoongs said calmly after appearing in the scene.

It took us for about half an hour to take them all down including those two guys who were keeping Jimin and Tae under guard. The local police arrived lead by some of the kids who fled away earlier when the fight had already ended.

"You have to come with us to the police station. We need your statement regarding this case." the police officer told us after arresting the gang. 

I looked around for Tae and Jimin but in the midst of all these they had disappeared somewhere. As the police were getting impatient I decided to text Tae. After getting into the police car I texted him.

At the police station they took our statements and let us go.

After coming out of there I called Tae.

Me: Hello! Hey dumbhead! Where did you and Jimin disappear to?

Tae: Aish! Sorry sorry! But I have a really good reason for our disappearance! Let's meet at the café!

Me: We'll be a bit late because we came here in police car. We have to take the bus to our uni as Yoongs' car is there. So wait for us a little bit.

Tae: Okay bye!

.

Our neighborhood's favourite café, Evdaimonía. It had changed a lot! Specially they added a lot more to the menu and there were a few changes in the decoration but our favourite barista, uncle Steve hadn't changed at all. He beamed with happiness as usual as he used to whenever we came here.

We took our usual seat and uncle added one more chair to the table as our group was no more of three.

Sitting down I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at Tae, "The 'good' reason please."

"You'll be surely surprised after I tell you what we found out! So when you were busy talking with the police I saw that Su-yeon was peeking out beside the boundary near the road. There was something suspicious about her so Jimin and I went to her. She was shocked at first and then out of the blue asked that why was Yoongi hyung helping you. And that's where she exposed herself! We interrogated her and she finally gave in. She told us that she was jealous of you hanging out with ME, Hobi and now Jimin too. That's why she paid those thugs to attack you. And as she got to know that Yoongi hyung was on your side too she was more jealous."

"Holy mother! I can't believe that she can go this far!" I palm slapped my forehead.

"Don't worry! Tae took care of the situation pretty boldly!" Jimin said laughing.

"No please don't tell them! Why should you betray me like this?" Tae pleaded to Jimin.

"Now I am curious! Tell us what did he do?" I looked at Jimin.

"My heart is still beating remembering the scenario. He grabbed her arm making her face him and said that you are his childhood best friend and it hurts him when someone hurts you. Then he pressed her to the wall and whispered 'if you love me that much then you wouldn't want to hurt my best friend. You are not planning on getting into my hate list, are you sweetheart?'." Hearing this all three of us cringed real hard and my ears were all itchy because of that. Tae kept his forehead on the table with his hands around it and whined, "You all are dead to me!"

"Come on Tae, we all know you did that for y/n! Not everyone gets a best friend like you." Yoongi chimed.

At this Tae looked up and smiled. "Confess already boy!" I thought.

"From now on she will not bother you! So no need to thank me, just treat me your mom's strawberry cheesecake tomorrow!" Tae said giggling.

"You can have the strawberry cheesecake tomorrow Taehyung dear but now you have to try today's special, Gyro and here's your coke." Uncle Steve appeared with a smile on his face and a tray of as he said Gyro on his hands. After putting that on the table he patted Tae's head and said, "You did a good job!" And went away to attend other customers.

                Uncle Steve moved here eleven years ago from a beautiful city named Patras in Greece. He had been a favourite of everyone since he settled here, specifically for his great cooking, generous heart and a photographic memory. We used to visit his café frequently and loved stories from his hometown.

                While returning me and Tae huddled together at the back seat of Yoongs' car because of the cold, we were literally shaking. Both Yoongs and Jimin were laughing at us. "Will you two ever stop being a child?" Yoongs said while keeping his eye on the road as he was driving as usual. "Neverrr" we shouted together and this made Jimin to burst out in laughter.

Tae pinched me and signalled with his eyes towards Jimin. I pinched him back and signalled my eyes towards Yoongs and that marked the beginning session of our pinching each other session. "Yah! Stop you two or I'll throw both of you out of the car!" Yoongs scolded us.

"Yes sir!" We saluted Yoongs and pretended to fall asleep.

.

We reached Jimin's home first. After he went inside the castle I relaxed at the back seat and a feeling of melancholy washed over me. I tried hard to not cry, so I leaned my head on Tae's shoulder and held his hand. I guess that was a wrong decision because that made me more weak and I ended up crying.

"Geez! Stop! It's not like you are not going to see him anymore! It's just one night! You'll get to see him tomorrow again! You'll get married and have dozens of kids! Don't worry!" saying this Tae pulled me into a side hug.

I smiled in his hug and said, "I know!"

Maybe I was happy that's why I agreed too quickly to Tae's proposal of playing overwatch that evening. But I didn't regret it. It's fun sometimes. But I managed to persuade Tae to sleep within 11 pm as we were supposed to wake up at dawn.

.

At university the next morning I was quite surprised to see the change in Su-yeon and her friends' behaviour. I felt relieved and it was all thanks to Tae. Yesterday I told my mom about the incident and she was like, "Oh no! Are those boys really hurt? Should we give them a visit at the hospital?"

My mom had always been too confident in me that nothing can happen to me and had always been worried about Tae rather than me and Yoongs. Well, I could see a valid reason behind that but I still wanted her to sometimes show some concern about me and Yoongs. I told her about Tae's caprice and she became just as happy as Tae was and told me to bring my other friends including Yoongs.

I let out a sigh thinking about all these and decided to invite Jimin and Hobi after the first lecture.

.

We all arrived at my home at about 4 pm. Mom was just really excited to have so many guests at home. She made everyone feel at home.

"You all have to stay tonight at our home. I won't hear an objection from any of you! Call your parents and inform them." Mom said, well basically ordered.

Tae shouted hearing this, "YESSSSSSSSSS you are the best!!! Slumber party tonight!!" and started dancing. Seeing him I couldn't control myself. I started dancing with him too. Seeing us Hobi joined too. And we moved in circles around the living room making a train and danced and shouted our lungs out. Jimin rolled down laughing and then joined us while Yoongs sighed smiling and went into the kitchen to help mom. After eating strawberry cheesecake to our heart's content we went to our backyard and played badminton until evening. When it started getting really cold, dad came and made a bonfire and placed chairs around it. It was like a camping experience. He started to tell all these ghost stories that made Tae to spook out from time to time. After half an hour dad went in to help mom in cooking. Then I started to tell stories of ghosts and urban legends to scare Tae. Though he was scared, he still wanted me to go on. He was so engrossed in my story that he didn't notice when Hobi went up behind him. Hobi made a shushing gesture and shouted real hard near Tae's ear. Tae got scared out of his wits and jumped on Yoongs' lap as he was nearest to Tae. We all started laughing like hyenas, specially Hobi. "That's not fair!" Tae whined, "I won't talk with any of you!"

A second had passed and then Yoongs cleared his throat, "Tae you are still on my lap. You are heavy. Would you mind?"

        Realising that Tae sprang up and smiling sheepishly he said, "I think aunty is calling me. I'll be back after sometime!" Then he went in quickly, basically ran. I could totally picturise that he went to mom, whined for sometime complaining about us and then probably went to my room and pulled his hair out of embarrassment. I smiled imagining that and when I was about to tell Yoongs to go after him I noticed that Jimin was looking at me with fondness. My heart felt like clenching. Was what I was seeing true? Why was he looking at me like that? Noticing my expression perhaps Jimin looked away immediately and started talking with Hobi. I looked down not knowing what to do and tried to clear my thought process.

            Much to my convenience, mom called us in for dinner right after that. After entering the dining room we were all astounded seeing the dishes.

"Mom! How did you prepare such a sumptuous feast in such a short time? And why do you never treat me like this?" I rolled my eyes at mom.

             "She loves us more than she loves you~" Tae came in the dining room singing and hugged mom.

             "Yeah! I can totally see that! But whatever, the food isn't complaining to get into my stomach! That's my true love! The rest of you can go wherever you want!" I said  while sitting down.

              At this Tae said after sitting down beside me, "But you won't survive without us. Now now don't cry and here serve me some food." I smacked Tae and took away his plate.

            "They are never gonna stop. Let them be and let's eat!" Dad said laughing.

              We were hungry too so we didn't delay and started eating. Mom and dad talked a lot with Hobi and Jimin. They seemed to like them both a lot. It felt like a complete family. I looked at everyone and smiled to myself. I was happy.

              After eating we all went to my room upstairs and built blanket forts and played Cards against Humanity until 12 am. It was so much fun. We got hungry while laughing. So Tae sneaked into the kitchen and brought ice-cream for all of us!

              "Go to sleep after eating this! I don't want to miss my morning routine because of y'all." I announced and prepared to go to sleep.

               "I want to sleep beside Yoongi hyung!" Tae raised his hand. Yoongs had always preferred to sleep at the end. So at the right most side was he, then beside him was Tae. Somehow Tae managed Hobi to say that he wanted to sleep beside him. And he knew that I had also always liked to sleep at the end side. When I saw where the course of the arrangement was going I realized what Tae was thinking of. "Does he want me to die?" I questioned myself. "This is not how you should do a Cupid's job, you dumbhead!" I facepalmed, visibly. Seeing my expression Tae smiled innocently at me and mouthed "Good luck". And I replied,"I will kill you."

              Laying beside Jimin I didn't know what to do. My heart was racing too fast for my own good. After sometime when everyone had fallen asleep I opened my eyes slowly and looked at him. His face looked so peaceful like a baby. I wanted to cup his cheeks and leave small kisses all over his face. I didn't know how much time had passed by while being engrossed in him. I wanted the time to stop so that I can get more time. But turning all my wishes to ashes Tae suddenly sneezed really loudly. Afraid that it might wake Jimin up I pretended to sleep and didn't know when I fell asleep. 

I never expected this at all! But now here I am, lying beside y/n, pretending to sleep. Today when she invited me to her house I became really happy and anxious at the same time. Arriving at her house I didn't get to know how the time passed so quickly. May be because by her side time always gets shy and flies away quickly. When she smiles I can't but keep looking at her. When she is happy it makes me happy too.

          Her mom today reminded me of my mom. I miss her so much. I wish I could tell my mom that "Mom I found someone whom I want to protect, take care and love." May be I should leave out the 'protect' word, as y/n/n is the one who protects. I wonder when I could gather enough courage to tell her that I love her. I am not sure. I can feel her looking at me now but it may be just an infatuation. Does she love me as much as I love her? My heart is beating so fast. Did she notice? I can never know.

                   Taehyung is definitely a rescue angel as y/n/n said. To my rescue he sneezed really loudly, though not intentionally but still I felt thankful as that made y/n/n to go to sleep. After sometime as she started snoring softly I opened my eyes and looked at her sleeping face. So peaceful yet so charming. I don't how much time passed by looking at her but I eventually fell asleep. 

This is just too hard! I know I did a blunder to myself after deciding to sleep next to Yoongi hyung. He is sleeping so peacefully without any worries and here I am struggling with my own feelings. But it's worth it if y/n/n and Jimin get to sleep next to each other. "For how long are you going to stare at him?" I questioned y/n/n mentally. I know that it's not going to end soon so I decided to try to sleep.

              Why am I feeling like sneezing? I don't want to ruin her moment. "Stop stop! Don't come out!" I tried to convince my sneeze but in vain. After sneezing loudly, I can't control it, I saw that y/n/n lied down properly to sleep. And after some time Jimin woke up and was doing the same thing as y/n/n was doing all this while. I sighed happily as I got to realise that Jimin loves her too and fell asleep.

Other chapters

A/n: How are you all doing? Is it winter in your place too? If it is then stay warm and healthy. And if it's not then enjoy your holidays 😊 Thank you for reading. Please like and share. I would appreciate that a lot. Love you all 💜💜💜

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