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#universe wherd im going to new orleans thjs fall im doing laps around campus sparkling abt it alreadt. in that alternate universe im getting
pepprs · 4 years
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its almost 4:30 but i just have to say i feel so restless. like is this really... idk im kinda starting to fall asleep finally so im not articulating myself well lel but is this really..... It. is the entire purpose of everyone’s lives just gonna get totally derailed for the next few yrs w permanent consequences cuz of this stupid fuckin virus. all the trajectories and dreams and paths and doors closed and dashed and whatever. im mad... like it’s bigger than just me and i know this. but like im finding songs that are just... U know.. songs ur meant to ache on campus to. And songs ur supposed to play on repeat while ur on the plane headed to A Conference™️ and itll b stuck in ur head the whole time ur there becoming an entirely new person in 4 days in a place you’ve never been before.... who knows if or when that’s ever gonna happen again. it’s bigger than that and it’s bigger than me like kim people are dying but. i just want to move.. take walks. see people and grow. im growing here but it’s slow and stilted (not 2 mention... facing active resistance but that’s another story for a different post entirely) a nd. i miss the thrill.., i miss walking it out when I felt it at least. Miss adventure and cementing shit like this in my head forever. It’s all in the timing and it’s just my luck. Like good luck and bad luck. Like yes I get to shape shit now instead of following in everyone’s footsteps and I am extraordinarily privileged and grateful to have so very much to shape.......... but the ppl older than me got to do shit that I won’t get to cuz corona left it in tatters. and it’s fine and I have to accept that and make the best of it even though it’s so hard to do that and it would’ve been so righteous and good to have had such a glorious arc and I am gonna use that word Glorious cuz i have...... come 2 recognize myself as like. deserving of good things or whatever 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 but things should have been different 4 me and 4 everyone in the present and future that’s all and they r just doomed now and i don’t know what to do w that
#i couldve gone to new orleans this fall. i didnt even know that until tonight that that couldve happened. and it wont but in the alternate#universe wherd im going to new orleans thjs fall im doing laps around campus sparkling abt it alreadt. in that alternate universe im getting#readyy for minneapolis because even tho i lost brighton theres still hope in the world and i will still be on a plane home on june 6. idk#like yes all these things are falling into place. im pr*senting and shit and.. coordinating The Retreat but. we’re so limited with this#virtual shit. like u mean i have to spend tbe next 3 yrs of my life under fucking house arrest leading sessions fromthe backseat when i am#SO supposed to be moving my body and taking in the atmosphere of a new town.. and people ive never met who will be important 2 me.. idk. idk#we’re good at making lemonade from lemons and i know thjs. i dont dount it for a second. but is the juice worth the squeeze and will i still#be around when we can just gdt juice again.. like i am so conscious of how much of my life is just pssing right now and i cant get it back#cuz this shit is kust. catastrophic and by the time its done i’ll be... older! too old. for so much. already gone. and idk how to even conce#conceptualize it all i know is i cant shut up and im very sad. anyways this is all to say i wuld like to listen to hot faced by margaux#while power walking on campus or flying throhgh the air or something and not stuck and still in the dark garage for the 1000th day in a row.#ok thank u 4 listening thsts all. if i said any of this no i didjt ♥️#purrs
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