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#unrequited love

I get too anxious when I’m in the situation where I could tell you how I felt.

You asked me if i had strong feelings for you and all I could say was “I guess” because I know you don’t care either way.

I told my fiance how I felt, and the polyamorous vs monogamy debate continues.

There’s no escape.

I can’t get these feelings to stop.

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“I can’t explain how a song can bring back so many memories. Oh I wish you could see this. You were such a good friend. We don’t talk anymore though. How could I let myself mess this up? But trust me, if I could go back in time, I would spend those extra hours with you, sit with you, talk to you, and maybe even confess that I had liked you from the very beginning.”

5.05.26

-wren.

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And God knows I understand it

Her, all golden skinned and honey-eyed

Glittering with laughter

Full-bellied, head back the way I can never manage anymore

I want to be near her too

So you, with all that love used wrong before and still so much to give

Of course you crave her

Cling to her like the last rays of sun cling to a soon-cold earth

And of course she lets you

You cool to her warm

And I see you rise to it

See the way people look at you different

Like you’re soaking up her bright bright bright and reflecting it back tenfold

I never made you look like that

Never filled you with so much light that you flickered like a burnt-out streetlight

Now people flock to you like they flocked to her

Bask in your warmth

And I’m glad

And I’m furious

And I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that

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ANGER.

I AM MAD.

FUCKING FLAMES.

.

CAN YOU SEE THEM?

.

THEY SLIDE DOWN MY FACE LIKE SLUDGE ON A SHIT HILL.

.

WHAT?

.

YOU THINK THESE ARE TEARS?

.

NO.

.

THESE ARE THE NIGHTS I SCREAMED INTO A PILLOW FROM MISSING YOU.

.

THESE ARE THE MOMENTS I DAY-DREAMED OF YOU WHILE DRIVING BY A CAR CRASH ON THE FREEWAY.

.

THESE ARE HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIOS I IMAGINED WHERE I PUNCHED YOU IN THE FUCKING FACE THEN DIDNT STOP KISSING YOU UNTIL THE BLOOD WAS WIPED CLEAN OFF BY MY LIPS.

.

THESE ARE THE GURGLING GIGGLES THAT TORE MY THROAT WHEN YOU MADE ME LAUGH HARDER AND LOUDER THAN ANYONE COULD EVEN DREAM OF ACHIEVING

.

THESE ARE THE IMAGES I SEE IN THE MIRROR WHEN I LOOK INTO MY OWN EYES AND SEE THE FUCKING IDIOT WHO COULDN’T HOLD THE SWORD I NEEDED TO PROTECT WHAT I LOVED BUT HAS THE AUDACITY TO BELIEVE IN A HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

.

THESE ARE THE OPPORTUNITIES I DIDNT TAKE TO SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW I FEEL AND THE WORDS THAT WOULDVE SHOWED YOU EXACTLY HOW YOU MAKE MY MIND SQUIRM WITH ANTICIPATION THAT I CHOKED ON INSTEAD OF SAYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE SHAMEFUL ACT OF POSSIBLY HAVING FEELINGS FOR ME OR THE HARDSHIP OF HAVING TO TELL SOMEONE YOU DONT.

.

Fuck.

.

These are not tears.

.

These are the coals in the furnace of my stupid heart rolling out of my stupid eyes instead of my stupid mouth so I don’t scare you off by saying the wrong thing.

.

So if it means we have any form of connection, then please, just let me broil, because I’d rather watch my skin peel from feeling all these things than go back to being a husk of a person who couldnt even remember what real anger or happiness is.

.

I’d rather burn than go back to being who I was before I heard your voice again.

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Tonight I visited you. You welcome me in your home then your bed. You kissed me long and hard. Rub your hand up and down my body til you couldn’t handle it no long. Took my clothes off along with yours. Lead me to your bed. Layed me down kisses me from my lips down my body to my low regions and just went to town eating me out. I moaned needing so much more from you til I cum. You kissed your way back up stopping to suck my tits and fondly my breast. You made a feast of my body til you and I couldn’t hold back anymore. We come together. You hold me so tight in your arm making sure that I felt how much you had missed me. Thinking I would disappeared on you. We cum so hard together. Then we held each our enjoying our nude body together. Then I had to leave like a thief in the night. How you hated me leaving wishes for more time and for me to stay.

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Dear me,

At the beginning of this year 2020, you made a resolution for yourself to write more. To write down everything and keep an eye out for your feelings.

Today, May 30th, 2020 is the first post of this year. Congratulation, it’s the middle of the year.

Let’s see what’s happened for the very first half of 2020: Covid-19, love (one sided), disappointment in career and love of course.

Work is terrible in my opinion, I saw the dark side of people, people who are basically god started hurting and bitching their most loyal employees to save their asses, the one I care about is being fired at. It’s unbelieveable, how much people can turn on you. Love is unexpectable and unpredictable. I fell in love, and once again was rejected (this part is expectable and predictable). The unexpectable and unpredictable part was that it was with someone I had never in my life imagined that I would fall for. He is alot older than me and short. I specifically like taller men, and still do. I don’t mind men who are older, 10-15, it’s not a problem but 25 years older, whooo goddamn! Completely out of my range and my preferences. But he is smart and experienced in which I’m head over heels for.

I asked myself many times, when did I start having feelings for him. The answer is, I don’t know. I was afraid that I would fall for him. But then it just hit you. It hit me hard when I started feeling jealous for no reason at all. Then I realized, I Iike him, and alot. At first, it was just there. I didn’t want to do anything with it, being with him at work, to work in the same team is already enough. But the feelings slowly but steadily planted its root deep into me, so deep I was devastated when I heard he’s planning on leaving the company. I like him, but I can’t pin point a specific thing that makes me fall for him. Not until lately, when I was already rejected. I know myself, If I’m close to someone, if I’m comfortable and we start synchronizing, feelings will start to develope. I felt it, we were sychronized in our thoughts, we spoke at the same time with the same things, I had fun and was comfortable around him. I don’t know.. I felt secure with him, I felt like I want to do more for him so he would feel the same security as me. The one thing, I haven’t felt for so long, with any crush in the past. The secure and peaceful feelings.

People in the past, once I’m over them. It’s like that feelings never exist. I don’t remember it. I can’t seem to even if I try. I remember, I attempt to ask a guy out when he already has a girlfriend, what a bitch I was. Luckily I snapped out of it. I don’t remember crying for any of this failed crushes. They were irritating, but never to a point that I would ball my eyes out. I took all this courage, and was encouraged by one of my best friend to confess. I wrote a letter, confessing all my feelings to him. Wanting a reply but never recieved one, not until I had to again assembled my courage after I had used all of them before, to ask him about the letter. He said it was sweet, but he’s not allowed to have any relationship in the company. I take it as a no, but that answer didn’t give me a peace of mind. It was answering around the question, not directly to the question. I thought it’s going to be hard when I saw him again in the office. But no, it was easy like nothing had happened. I cried ofcourse right after the rejection, so bad. Then I thought I was alright, then came the week and we saw each other again. I was still fine, until the third day of that week, all the sadness just unlocked itself and roamed around my head. They wouldn’t leave, until I cried my heart out again. It was bad but I’m glad I cried everything out.

I know I should give up already, but why I still have this feeling like I’m going to regret losing him? I’m scared and hesistant or maybe I’m just a foolish person in love.

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I think about you. How I want your body and mouth 👄 all over me. I get so wet thinking about it. Your smell is intoxicating. I love you so much. Please love me, eat me and kiss me. Make it were I only think of you awake and asleep.

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I hold her close,

My arms wrapped around her as she silently weeps,

Never leaving her side even for a moment,

She tries to push me away mumbling something about getting my clothes dirty,

I ignore her protests and stroke her head,

Her shoulders relax as a sob escapes her mouth,

Her hand instantly covers her mouth trying to stop another sob from being heard,

But the other hand remains on her chest,

Her heart in pain,

The tough go getter now melting in my arms,

I try to gather all of her broken parts,

There are days when she is as far away as she can get,

But I am thankful she is letting me into her heartbreak,

Grieving wasn’t her strong suit and I’m glad she let me be by her side,

The layers peeled away completely as she reveals the scars that formed her bravery,

Stronger than the flesh on her body,

Never the one to have been fragile or irrational,

She may have just stitched my heart to hers when she decided to fix the holes on my shirt,

She may have cleaned the mess out of my head when she decided to help me get rid of the garbage,

Numerious times she has selflessly provided her heart on a platter to me,

It was my turn to show her I cared,

I stroke her softly as she drifts to sleep,

My heart and mind safely tucked away with her,

A silent prayer for you to stay by me till the end,

My lips touch her head and a soft smile replaces her calm face,

My heart swells with joy with a simple movement,

This is all I will ever need for now and ever more.

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