#unsafe and im always thinking about how i could use the time to do work instead of taking time off but as soon as im home i just panic agai

[ncityprincess]

How Doyoung would be in bed

I’m so in love I’m with this man it’s ridiculous 🥲

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

-im sorry but he gives me undercover sex god vibes 😭

-like yes he looks so sweet and soft on the outside

-and yes he does enjoy soft and sweet lovemaking

-but that gummy smile and angelic singing voice can’t fool me

-if you look underneath there’s a freak waiting to be unleashed

-he puts his career above anything, so he’s not just gonna have random rendezvous and hook ups

-he’s not going to waste his time on meaningless flings that could tarnish his reputation

-he’s gonna hold out for someone special that he truly cares about

-so when he finally finds The One, it’s game over

-he lets his wild side come out, and he can’t wait to indulge in all of his fun fantasies (with prior consent of course)

-he reads as a pleasure dom to me

-your pleasure comes first, and he doesn’t care if it takes you 30 minutes to cum

-he’s gonna lay there and eat you out or fuck you until you’re a moaning mess underneath him

-like Johnny, he gets a warm feeling in his chest when his beautiful girl is all fucked out and glossy eyed underneath him

-it makes him feel like he’s worked hard to get you to this point, and to see you respond like this makes him feel untouchable

-likes it when you get super messy, especially when you’re slobbering on his fingers

-curses when he can see drool dripping from your lips down to your tits

-calls you his pretty, messy girl

-and i believe in my heart of hearts that this man is packing

-like he has such a beautiful, long dick that hits all the right places

-he loves to fuck your pretty mouth

-like a good ole classic mouth fucking with you on your knees on the floor and him standing over you

-sometimes a he’s a little too rough, but he always assures you that he will stop if it gets to be too much

-in fact, he can be overly cautious with you in bed

-because he likes to dabble in the kinkier side of things sometimes, it’s crucial that he gets your enthusiastic consent

-he never wants to make you feel unsafe and cross any boundaries

-so he’s gonna ask you a million and one times if this is okay with you

-you are his precious little baby after all <3

-I think he also makes the prettiest sounds in bed 😮‍💨

-like you know at the end of love on the floor when he hits that falsetto note?

-just like that

-but he also makes gritty, guttural sounds through clenched teeth

-especially while he’s praising you

-“fuck, you’re taking that dick so well baby” he says as he pounds into you from behind, pushing your face deeper into the mattress

-oh yeah, he’s also kinda rough when he handles you

-shoving you into different positions

-gripping your jaw particularly tight

-slapping your pussy just to make sure you’re paying attention to him

-but he’s like lovingly rough if that makes sense

-like pulling your hair back, but also caressing your face and telling you how pretty you look like this

-I think he would be open to using toys or props too like a vibrator or some silk ties

-would loveee it when you wear black lingerie with stockings or garter belts

-and stilettos too

-he’s a walking enigma

-but if he’s feeling particularly calm and relaxed, he doesn’t mind rocking into you gently

-he’ll put on a cute drama on a snowy Saturday night and hoist your leg up as he spoons you from behind

-lazy, slow sex makes him feel even more connected to you

-when he’s in his softer mood, he will worship every inch of your body

-kisses you from head to toe

-treats you like a goddess

-when you guys finish, he goes back to asking if you’re okay and if you need anything

-and after you reassure him that you’re fine, he kisses all over your face and holds you all night

<3

#nct 127 hard hours #doyoung hard hours #nct 127 hard thoughts #nct 127 smut #kim doyoung smut #kim doyoung fic #doyoung headcanons #doyoung smut #doyoung x reader #nct doyoung #kim doyoung #doyoung nct #nct scenarios #nct 127 headcanons #dojaejung smut #nct dojaejung

[tinandabin]

Sagau but the reader is the ACTUAL creator pt4.

Pt 3 Pt5

y'all, im thinking of an official name for this series. I feel like thorny love sounds sweet? what do u think? lmk plesae.

____

The last few days have been peaceful and quiet. You did your best filling out documents since Seraphina refuses to cut you off some slack; Revelyn enjoys simply being in your company. She's a rather timid person, you have to say. "Now then dear, what would you say going to Inazuma?" You asked Revelyn and smiled at her.

"I'm okay with going anywhere, as long as you are with me." Revelyn replied rather quickly, almost like her attention was on you the whole time. The last part was muttered quietly, but it didn't go unheard by you.

You chuckled, "Fret not, I wouldn't dare leave you. But do you not think you should go back to the mortal realm? I'm quite sure it is rather boring here." You have been insisting for some time that Revelyn returns to the mortal realm, it is unusual for the creator to favour someone more, not to add so blatantly!

Of course, whenever you brought up this topic Revelyn always looked so alarmed. You aren't going to abandon here after all this time, are you? "Um.. Everyone probably hates me.. I feel rather unsafe there. Please let me stay with you.." She said, she has used this excuse for the seventh time.

You sighed for the umpteenth time. Really, you can't keep fancying one of your devotee over the others. That would be sure to put a blemish on your dear acolyte's faith. You wouldn't wish that, ever.

"Do not put so less faith in my acolytes; I am sure they would welcome you with open arms." Right, you gotta keep insisting and assuring her, at the same time. Of course, you don't want her to feel unwanted in any sense, but still. You can't keep babysitting a mortal. That's what the Archons are for.

Tears welled up in Revelyn's eyes. She was sure this would stir some emotions and guilt out of you. Right? It always worked. It has to work now also. You wouldn't dare to leave one of your favourite devotee, would you?

But no worries, because, you my pal, are the master at setting boundaries when needed.

"Call me cold, if you must Revelyn. However, I cannot keep you here any longer. You are a mortal; I am The Creator. You ought to live in the mortal realm." You said, hardly amused by her antics. You have dealt with numerous different mortals. Revelyn was no exception.

"B-But, Your Grace. Please. I beg of you. They will harm me." Her voice started wavering and you were sure in no time she would be a sobbing mess. This was how it always ended whenever you brought up the topic of her leaving. Her crying and you consoling her. It was rather stressful.

"They will not. I assure you." And with those words came a full-on sobbing session. Of course, you wouldn't let that deter you. This is harsh of you, but you have to be harsh sometimes.

"Can-Can we at least go to Inazuma together? Please..?" She whispered in a delicate voice. Just a few more moments with you is what she asks for.

"Hm. Yes. I will leave you be in Inazuma too. Alright." You left before she could reply. Man, you were thankful that Revelyn is finally off to the mortal realm. No offense to her, but it does get annoying dealing with her. Because whenever you are with her, you can't help but feel that she has a sinister aura. Not in the sense of her attempting to assassinate you or something; just something far more you can comprehend.

______

"The Divine Creator steps foot into Inazuma! Inform the Almighty Raiden Shogun at once! Hasten now! We must prepare a room for the Creator! It must be of the most extravagant tastes with the most lavish bedsheets!" The one in charge kept barking demands and blabbering on about how luxurious your room should be. You had barely set afoot into Inazuma and you had already been adorned in jewels. It was sure tiring you supposed. You had come only to visit Yae Miko & Ei, dropping Revelyn here in the process.

Revelyn couldn't help but cling a little closer to you now. Whether it be by clasping onto your dress or holding your hand. You didn't mind, not at all. Of course, a few people threw some nasty looks at Revelyn, but other than that things were dandy. You were sure the news of your arrival would reach the other Archons fast. Ah, you couldn't help but adore your little creations. Weren't they just so adorable? Begging for your attention like some kind of puppies. You favoured the Archons above all; that was clear as day. The thought made Revelyn scowl with jealousy.

Revelyn is sure that you think of her as nothing but a mere mortal. You pity her weak form, don't you? Oh, if you really do pity her, please let her stay with you a bit longer. She will go to hell and beyond to spend another moment with you; the divine creator. She heard people sing praises of you. Not only in Teyvat, but far away from Teyvat. From worlds unknown to the people. She is an outlander and you are the divine one. People in her world talked about how ethereal the creator of Teyvat is; a prodigy. She wants to worship you. She wants to worship each part of your body. Will you let her? Please do so, she is but a weak frail mortal. Right?

Her thoughts shattered the moment she saw purple hair. Ah, the wicked witch is here, isn't she? To steal you away from her.

___

taglist: @shizunxie @dearloonies @iruiji @yani-dere @kiraisastay @fauxizs @salvationprodigy @thetruepair @lunalily19 @vvyeislazzy @ihonestlydontknowwhattonamethis @kaveh-is-pretty @plusea @i-have-a-lot-of-ocs @the-real-fandom-person @kunikuzushisbeloved @artwitchh @sadgutaches @irisxiel @atlaincorrect @warcelia @lorkai @muomoii @elakari @burningtyphoonlady @daily-average

note: if yr user is cut out, I couldn't tag you!

MASTERLIST

#dark #yandere #yandere x reader #x reader #yanderes #yandere genshin #yandere genshin impact #yandere genshin headcanons #yandere genshin x reader #yandere genshin au #yandere genshin imagines #yandere genshin x you #sagau genshin #yandere sagau #yandere cult genshin #yanderes x reader #genshin imagines #genshin impact #genshin impact morax #x god reader

[romancerepulsed]

disclaimer: i am american and i can only speak for how it is here, but regardless this post is about online spaces

i have to say it. "romance negativity" is not a thing and you all look like clowns for saying it and placing it right next to sex negativity. sex negativity exists within a large system oppression. its a set of beliefs an individual can have, yes, but those beliefs in and of themselves are nothing without their institutional support. sex negativity, though it hurts queer people the most, negatively affects every person who desires to interact with sexuality in any way. sex negativity is major websites and apps banning porn for the sake of profit. sex negativity is restricting abortion access. sex negativity is absitence-only education. sex negativity is the criminalization of sex work. sex negativity is rape culture.

romance negativity does not exist in this way. the most romance negativity could possibly harm you is it hurting your feelings a bit when an aromantic person expresses their frustrations with amatonormativity. our institutions actively push for romance and partnering. our whole society is structured around it. all of our entertainment is infested with it. there is no significant cultural push to devalue romance the same way there is for sex, and thats why the discussion of the evil repulsed aros who hate romance and hate you for experiencing it is so fucking stupid to me. like, every romance repulsed aro i know is so painstakingly polite and supportive to the alloromantics and romance favorable aros around us. we are constantly gritting our teeth and working through it, because thats what we have always had to do.

ive also seen posts complaining that romance repulsed aros make the community feel unsafe for romance favorable aros, which... i have not seen any of the rumored aro elitism this implies at all. im sure there are some guys out there who exclude romance favorable aros, and they absolutely suck ass. but this is not a widespread problem at all. and i need you to put yourselves in the shoes of a romance repulsed aromantic person right now. someone who has just found the language for what theyve been struggling with all their lives, and theyre excited to find a community for people like them, a community thats supposed to be free from the talons of amatonormativity, only to find out most of the people there are still talking about their partners, their crushes, the romantic things they wanna do with their friends, etc. its isolating. this isnt to say aromanticism isnt a spectrum or that people shouldnt talk about their experiences as romance favorable aros, im just trying to get you to understand *why* repulsed aros can seem so irritable or aggressive at times.

so im sorry that romance repulsed aros expressing their frustration with the very fabric of society being against them hurt your feelings. but i think maybe thats just something youre gonna have to deal with. if you need tips on sucking it up then maybe ask a romance repulsed aro, we're used to it 👍

#barking #aromantic #romance repulsed #rape tw

[liquidstar]

i think that on here we've kinda talked a lot about how the traditional "coming out" narrative presented in popculture is flawed in reality. because it always presents this idea that you have to tell everyone who you Really are, that youre Hiding parts of yourself, that you can never be You until you bare your Secrets to the world. and that actually this isnt because people feel entitled to your personal business but that its hurting YOU when they dont know your personal business so you should really just tell them. (but also dont be "too" proud because thats annoying :( act mostly cishet please but dont lie about it! hehe!) it will work out every time for sure :)

but ofc thats not how real life works. i mean, naturally i understand that there are OF COURSE people out there who want to be loud and proud about who they are, and that this is incredibly important to their identity which theyve suppressed for so long. but that "coming out" narrative is harmful because it ignores many of the reasons it had to be suppressed to begin with. its fucking dangerous! its dangerous to a lot of people for a lot of reasons. they can lose their support system, family, job, house, and their entire life. both in the sense that they'll be completely uprooted from it, and in the sense that they could be killed. so constantly presenting the notion of "coming out is good for you no matter what because its the Only way to be your Real Authentic Self and also you HAVE to do it eventually because thats how this narrative is just Meant to go. be a good little queer and please dont stray from this path."

and the problem is that plenty of young LGBT+ people completely internalize it too! ive had so many convos with young people worried about coming out to their conservative family because, well, theyre supposed to! and their minds are completely blown when i tell them that actually they dont have to do that. that theyre under no obligation to tell everyone their business and its okay to just keep being them w/o making an announcement about it. ESPECIALLY IF IT PUTS THEM IN DANGER!!!! and to be clear this issue doesnt stop at age 18 or at moving out or anything like that either, there continue to be many obstacles for many people that make coming out unsafe, or just a bad life decision to uproot everything Right Now. it's okay to just be in the closet and it isn't a moral failing like cishet media wants to convince us. we all agree, right?

good! but here's what my actual real point is:

when we talk about this, for some reason, we seem to only reaaaallly be talking about the gay side of it, right? like im sure lots of people imagined, like, teenage gay boy movies. maybe a couple lesbian and bi characters too perhaps. and that makes sense because thats like the most common narrative for this sort of trope, so ofc those are the first examples we imagine. and ofc theres the more complex addition of "passing" when it comes to trans versions of this story, the idea that you gotta look a certain way to be "valid" adds another layer.

so i think its time more people started to acknowledge this about trans people too, right? i think we can all agree with this on paper already; no trans person is obligated to come out or present a certain way if theyre not in a place where they currently are able to do so. physically, mentally, financially... or just because they dont wanna! whatever the circumstances are, there is no criteria they have to meet to be vindicated in this. it doesnt only apply to 14 year olds living with shitty parents who plan to move out soon and become "Really Trans" (as if they didnt count before conforming to The Narrative), the person could be 40 and never planning to be completely out, and its the same. they dont owe you this "showing the world who you Really are in order to [earn the right to] Be Yourself" crap. thats their choice only.

however, i also think that even if most ppl on here in lgbt circles on here agree with the general sentiment... sometimes it doesnt always get applied it practice. though the whole "truscum" thing kinda died down (thank god) i still think that rampant transmedicalism has left its scars on lots of people and the things they internalize, combined with similar cisheteronormative messages in popular media about how your narrative Should go and how you Should act and look to be respected, and its Morally Wrong not to fit that mold.

so when encountered with people who dont pass, who dont TRY to pass and instead actively choose to look like their agab due to the fact that they are literally in the closet irl (lest we forget people have whole entire complex lives outside of the net) this sort of short circuit happens in ppls heads, where that internalized idea of "but you're supposed to be THIS WAY! youre not doing it RIGHT!" pops back up and they end up labeling that person as fake or Not Trans Enough for this reason.

and i do also think part of this stems from people not having enough sympathy for those whose paths are different, because they were told not to. theres a Right way, and they did it the right way. and likely they struggled for it a lot, so isnt it unfair that people are doing it the Easy Way (as if its easy to be closeted to begin with) and claiming theyre like you? thats Wrong. they have to Earn it. you lgbts should all get mad at EACH OTHER actually! this will help your community be better [in the eyes of cishetero society that doesnt really want you to exist to begin with]

additionally the reason im emphasizing the internet side of this so much is because... well, in this day and age, thats the space lots of people go to to NOT be in the closet. to at least microdose on being "out" while in real life they very much arent. like i said before, being in the closet is rough and taxing, suppressing yourself hurts which is why so many people wanna be loud and out and proud! not everyone can though, so turning to a place with relative anonymity to get that is great, and i think its probably saved a lot of people. but also because of this, its pretty much the only way to get the scenario this is positing to begin with- where you know a stranger can know that youre trans even if youre otherwise closeted completely, just so they can tell you that youre Not. but how many people in the past do you think lived lives where they never let these feelings out at all? how many alive today do you think dont even express them online?

you know that sort trope (often stereotypes in media) of a trans person "crossdressing" only when alone, in order to get a short bit of relief or euphoria that they cant in their closed life? i think that today we have the internet to do that. i think its kind of the same thing. but its also very different, because its not as private. its still secret, because its anonymous, but its also something shared with plenty of strangers at the same time. they dont know you irl, so its safe, distant, and gives you that rush of being yourself, and being referred to correctly by others too. theres community, theres support, and theres friendship too, once you get to know those strangers. its not a "second life" or a "persona" is just a side of yourself you dont show elsewhere, an identity that needs to be let out one way or another.

who the fuck are we to deny others the right to this life-saving connection just because they arent out? because they dont pass or dress the Right way irl? because we decided they arent trying hard enough to "fit in"? because they dont plan to change their lives to fit the right narrative anytime soon?

should they not be allowed into the community then? that would be perfect wouldnt it? leave many who need support out to die, because they did it Wrong. fight within our community over who is doing it Right until we've broken it in half. the righteous ones [according to cishet standards] are surely going to be treated with respect once they get rid of the Bad ones, right?

yeah, i dont think so. thats horseshit. we're stronger together than we are apart, thats why infighting is so useful to those who dont want us to be strong to begin with. its important to help each other, boost each other up, even if some of us arent playing the "right" part irl. are we really just going to sit around and accept the cishet norms as rules to live by? fuck that. not everyones story will reflect it, and you have to accept them anyway if you want a strong community. it doesnt matter how much they might look/act like their agab irl, if theyre telling you otherwise take it at face value, respect them the way you would any other. again, many of us agree with this on paper, but i think we still have to put work into acting on that too.

the end <3

#under the cut its just a way longer version of what i just said but in regards to how closeted trans ppl are often treated online #i cut it bc it was long but im telling you what it is now if you wanna read it basically #but a lot of this is personal musings too. its not connected to any kinda disk horse or anything #just stuff ive been thinking abt mostly. how i wish there was more support for such things #bc even online i feel like most ppl overlook closeted ppl who are not kids. yknow? #as if thats the only acceptable time to be closeted bc you have an excuse. tho part of it might be remembering personal experiences too ofc #but well. like i say here everyones experiences are different and we gotta respect that basically #and i think. its ok if you dont look or act a certain way. i guess

[swiggity-swexual-i-am-asexual]

wait PLEASE tell us the professor firing story im so curious

Oh man. I’d like to preface this as something I’m not… one hundred percent proud of. Or at least, not something I brag about. I’m not sad or upset that I did it, and not sure if I’d have changed anything had I the chance. The man did deserve it. But here’s the entirely too long story.

(If you see typos or other weirdness, no you don’t.)

Imagine this—it’s 2018, it’s almost your last semester of community college. It’s spring semester, it’s cold, and you just got told that for the first time, your psychology class is NOT going to be under your favorite professor (not because he quit, he just didn’t teach this one). So, you’ve already had a full day of classes. It’s your last class of the day, it’s around noon to early afternoon, and you’ve actually had lectures in this classroom before.

You go in. Some chatting students, you choose a seat in the second row, kind of far from the door but those were already taken. Time passes.

Then suddenly, dread. That gut feeling that you absolutely should leave, right now, no matter what.

A man has just walked in.

We’ll call him Stanley, because that was his fucking name, Stanley…. Hawk. I’m not protecting his name because I care, but to keep myself and my classmates more anonymous.

That was my honest to goodness first reaction to this man. We had never met. And all I could think was “PLEASE tell me this isn’t the professor”.

He was, in fact, the social psychology professor.

From the first class, there are a number of red flags. He locks the door, ‘for safety’, despite that door actually being quite close to an exit-only door. He insists we MUST email him if we are to miss class—not in an ‘inform him’ way, by how he phrased it. If he could have said that we required his permission, he would have, and he was just short of that statement. He’s kinda weird about letting us out for bathroom breaks too. And he just seems… off. And the way he wants us to contact him is NOT through email. No, he hands us business cards and asks us to CALL HIM. Anyone who has had a college class will tell you—that’s EXTREMELY fucking weird.

Still, we power through. Because maybe the gut instinct was wrong, maybe he’s just strict.

AHAHAHAHA.

No.

Throughout the months I had him, he:

-Repeated the same lessons multiple times (don’t talk to me about the prison experiment I will SCREAM).

-Mostly call on one particular non-white guy

-Not ever get this one woman’s name right, probably because she was South American. Her name wasn’t hard, it was like- Marianna, and he’d like, call her Mary-Anne or other mispronunciations

-Get MY name right despite it being more difficult, though it still took him a few times. Either cause I’m White American or because my sister worked front desk, I’m not sure

-Mispronounced most of the women’s names at least once, even easy ones—he did not do this with any of the men

-(To my knowledge, the only genderqueer person was me, and I wasn’t public about it, and CERTAINLY wasn’t telling HIM that)

-Otherwise would talk wrestling with one guy who sat behind me. During class.

-Often went on tangents unrelated to the topic

-Claimed that he would take all the confederate statues and have them in his yard, proudly. He mentioned this at LEAST three times.

-Always mentioned that some of his grandkids were adopted Asian kids but was like… weird about it, genuinely not sure how to describe it

-Once went on an entire, unprompted safety lecture, saying to “you girls” (again, college, ‘girls’ isn’t the exact term I’d use) that we should make sure to immediately lock our car doors because we always “spend time getting all settled in when you drive, with your phones and purses and makeup”. He did not say the same to the “boys”, and also—I felt more unsafe that HE’D do something than anyone else

-Semi-often bemoaned the fact he couldn’t just hug students because of policy, that he couldn’t touch them even as a friendly pat on the shoulder because they might go to the college board. No, I’m not kidding. He actually said this sort of thing. I WONDER WHY THE STUDENTS DON’T WANT YOU TOUCHING THEM.

One of the worst incidents, he mishandled our test times, saying it was due at 12 midnight (online testing). I go to do it at about 2 pm… it’s closed. It’s Friday. I email him multiple times. I had to email the DEAN OF THE DEPARTMENT to get him to even answer. Said he ‘messed up’ and that it accidentally was put at 12 noon. He then tried to blame me alone, except no—another student (we’ll say… Alexis) ALSO had the same issue. He then said next time to call him. I don’t think I said anything, but I always did assignments before 12 noon so that there would not be a ‘next time’.

Then, one day, he had us list out twenty traits. Or like, things we like to do. Something to that effect. It was personal, is the main thing.

And then share that with the class.

It felt extremely elementary, we were almost through with the school semester, and I had learned nothing. I didn’t like this teacher, he kept fumbling, and that gut feeling just kept coming back. The anxiety I felt every time he locked the door.

And I remembered a post going around, about how we are not obligated to share things we don’t want to, especially in a classroom.

So, as I take my turn, I list out some generic things about likes and dislikes.

And I say something to the tune of, “I don’t like sharing with an entire class of almost strangers about myself when I don’t even know them.”

Several people start to talk in agreement, but I just keep reading my other statements. Because no, now is not the time. We have PLANNING to do.

Sure enough, I get two main allies from this. One Alexis, who was the student that also didn’t take the test. Another is a student who had been challenging him the entire semester- we’ll call her Sarah. She’d unlock the door pretty much any time Stephen Fucking Hawk wasn’t paying attention. Sarah is the one who approached me, so while I may have been a bit of a… not quite figurehead of this because of my earlier stunt(s), Sarah is the real mastermind here.

That said, I’m not sure if we’d have come together as such had I not done that little stand up for myself in class. A stand up that was inspired by a TUMBLR POST. Like, directly inspired. Before that point, I had thought that there’s no WAY this happens, that professors expect an airing of grievances in class, to virtual strangers. Jokes on me, but continuing on.

Sarah and I start airing our grievances, and we realize we’re actually in the same sociology class as well as being in the same social psychology class (yes, I got them confused, no, I never fully got UNconfused, because while Mrs. H was a fairly good sociology teacher, Stanley Fucking Hawk was not a good social psychology teacher). We decide—next class period, after the lesson was done. we’ll talk to her. Alexis isn’t in the class, but she promises to come in straight after her other class to help.

Poor Mrs. H looked so overwhelmed.

Especially when people we hadn’t EVEN MET started chiming in about stuff we didn’t even know about. Apparently, he talked about sex things in class before? Anyways.

She promised to talk with some of the higher ups. We continued on. We had like, other priorities.

About a few days later, Stephen Fucking Hawk is called to a meeting with the Dean. I know this, because he appeared briefly to give us a worksheet to work on for half an hour until he got back. Again, ask any college student—it’s weird that this was done during class time. Or that class wasn’t called off for the day.

I decided, yeah, fuck this, do the ten billionth really dumb worksheet for this prof (also a repeat, I think, which was not a new thing with him), and in half an hour I’m leaving. My baby niece was just born. Also, no, I was not emailing him for permission. This was not a job, he was not my boss, and I’d had enough of him. Not like he checked them ANYWAYS, as proven before.

He returned, a bit late and a little frazzled. I go to turn in my worksheet and leave.

He tried to stop me, trying to cite his little attendance policy. I honest to goodness think he’d have grabbed my wrist had he been allowed, or possibly if I hadn’t dodged.

I DO remember snapping at him that I WAS leaving, I’m ALLOWED to make that choice, and I was GOING to go see my niece.

I was also in martial arts at the time. So there’s a good chance he recognized that I could and WOULD sock him in the face if he tried something.

I left. He never looked at me for long ever again. Not that he usually did—chronic bitch face worked WONDERS, and I’m understanding why so many people, women in particular, might have gotten this trait.

After that, things are… average. There was still a few weeks, about a month, left still. We figure that if anything did happen, it’ll be after exams. That’s fine. So long as something is done. Naturally, we’re kept in the dark.

Then we get our course and professor evals. Basically, papers we were given in class to grade the class and the professor, with a small section at the end to write out any additional comments. You could add more paper to that section if you wanted to.

These were normal and mandatory in this college.

Y’all. People BROUGHT extra paper to class. I’m pretty sure Sarah wrote out five pages alone. Keep in mind, getting the usual comment section filled out at ALL was either optional or rarely exceeded the small space.

I think I only used one or two extra sheets, I DO recall filling a page both front and back. But keep in mind—I have somewhat small handwriting.

I savor the panic on that man’s eyes as he saw that people just. Kept. Writing. An exercise that usually took ten minutes and was technically anonymous (students had to handle the paperwork, both giving it out, taking them back, and turning it in at the front desk) took at least twice that.

Anyways, the next couple of classes were… well. Subdued on his end. Less tangents. He’s still not a good teacher, but none of use are actually paying attention.

We then get the news—he isn’t returning next semester.

There wasn’t a cheer, but Sarah and Alexis and a few other people in the class Share Looks. He doesn’t mention why, but We Knew.

Fun bonus fact about my college—like most schools, there’s a set amount of days per class you can miss without a cause, about two weeks. Since many exams were online, the popular trend—and professors knew and adjusted to this—was that students who hadn’t missed their earlier days would just not be in class the last couple of weeks. They’d show up to an in-person exam, if needed, but those last couple of weeks were usually exam prep and damn near an option for most classes.

I had to go to one class of his during the two week period because I missed a day, and half of everyone was gone.

After that day, I did not return to that class.

I got an A in that class despite knowing JACK about social psychology, and Stephen Fucking Hawk was gone from the staff directory from them on.

And that’s how a tumblr post helped me get a man fired, kind of.

#the professor story #ask me anything #I feel like I’ve told bits of this story before but ayyy it’s fine #I honestly probably forgot more of the bullshit this man pulled #I remember consciously choosing to wear very baggy and nonrevealing clothes #which. I mean my style wasn’t very revealing either #but I actively avoided dresses and skirts and anything that defined a waistline or my chest

[gingerjolover]

hi ging i know this is totally not the place for unsolicited asking for advice so totally ignore this ask if it’s the wrong place to be doing this BUT in short i’m having an identity crisis yay!!! up until very recently i though i was just a very very supportive ally, eg when homophobic things were said around me i was personally offended but was just like noooo i’m just a huge ally i’m not gay!! i love love munagenius, and not just in a “i wanna be friends with all of them!” way, i’ve had crushes on girls irl, but have just pushed them deep deep down and i’m attracted to them and i would date a girl and AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SO GAY LIKE I SHOULDNT EVEN BEEN QUESTIONING BUT FOR SOME REASON IM IN DENIAL. it’s like i almost don’t feel gay enough? literally nobody knows because i like men (unfortunate i know) and have been in “straight” relationships all my life. i know nobody but me can tell me if i’m queer or not like this is my shit to deal with but maybe i just needed somewhere to dump my feelings anonymously :p

hi baby!

this is a safe space, you’re always allowed to ramble in my inbox (that goes for all of you!)

i can’t, in earnest, sit here and write, “well if you like girls and you would date a girl, you’re queer,” because i know first hand that it’s not that easy

i was right where you are not that long ago, and i hope i can use my experiences to give you some guidance?? without making it sound like it’s all about me??

we had very similar experiences, i’ve ALWAYS had crushes on women but never realized they were crushes, i was like “no i just want to be their best friend” or “i admire them soooo much,” or “i wish i looked like them” — and while those are totally normal thoughts to have, i also actively was pushing down the idea that i, as in me ginger, could be queer, i didn’t know what queer meant and i didn’t even know that bisexuality was a thing when i was young

i had a MAJOR identity crisis actually like right before i started posting on here consistently, if you look at my tumblr in the very beginning it was literally all “insert male celebrity x reader” because i did not allow myself to look at content that i was not “queer enough” for

denial is something i ALSO went through, i can’t tell you how many times my best friends (both queer) had to talk me down about WHY i was getting so worked about about labeling myself or feeling confused about liking girls, trying to find the root of why i wouldn’t allow myself to say i was queer or even curious about my sexuality

obviously accepting yourself is hard, right? it’s challenging an idea about yourself that is different from what you’ve always known yourself. i struggled so much with this because, like you sweet anon, i was always straight and nobody knew otherwise

self acceptance/no longer being in denial is also hard because there’s so many factors. one of the biggest factors for me was i was living in an environment at the time where queerness was NOT fully accepted, i know that i was going to be unsafe (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) if i had come out. (i eventually did to one of my family members and it worked out but most of them still don’t know)

one of my other things when not feeling queer enough was like “well i haven’t had a lot experiences with women so i can’t really be queer,” and my best friend literally was like “do you tell children who identify as queer that they aren’t because they haven’t kissed anyone?” and i said “of course not!” and he sat there and let me think about it… and then was like “well yeah, see how stupid that sounds? you’re not LESS queer because you don’t have experience, like maybe it’s more intimidating for you, but it doesn’t make you less”… and it’s something i still think about all the time

i know i’m rambling and i’m kinda jumping around but something you need understand and sit with is you don’t HAVE to label yourself! the biggest reason i hadn’t come out (combined with above) is because i couldn’t label myself, i didn’t feel queer enough for any label.

i ended up (after truly months) coming out as bi (not even officially, i just started referring to myself as bisexual and posting stuff on instagram and creating my own lil community) because like you anon, i unfortunately like men😪 (even though i am actively only dating women/nb at the moment, don’t dissect this too much i am still in my identity crisis)

i guess what i am trying to saaaaay is be patient with yourself, you are queer enough, even if you’re just questioning (although it sounds like you were where i was and you’re def not but i can’t tell you that). as long as you are entering this space respectfully and your intentions are pure, you have nothing to worry about sweet anon.

working to get over the “my whole life is going to change” and turning it into “my whole life is going to change!!!” is a way to help with this identity crisis. any change is hard, change is super scary, but as long as you’re in a place where you are safe and healthy, living authentically, even if confused, is so much better than feeling trapped and trying to work through it alone.

i hope this makes sense, i am obviously oversimplifying a lot of the issues of coming out or identifying yourself, i am very privileged that most of my life hasn’t changed since i have come out, and i know it’s not always the easiest/safest for people

i love you sweet anon! my inbox is always open - so are my messages :)

#anon cutie #idk even what to tag this #coming out #maybe? #like #discovering sexuality #queer discourse #gingy talks too much

[enneamage]

I got this ask as an account of a person who spent some time in Poppy, the content is very intense so I’ll be putting it under a readmore.

Tw, rape, gore, poppytwt etc. i was a part of poppytwt very briefly when i was practically prepubescent, and it's safe to say that most people i met were minors. Even while they were shunned by their "morally superior" counterparts (main as they called it) i remember very clearly that there would be call out posts done on groomers in the community twice a week. The shunning made poppytwt a very unsafe community, and that led to a lot of predators seeking it out and fostering an unhealthy space for kids. We were all private, and the priv accounts always had a dislike for open ones as they broke the "rules" that went unspoken in the community. Under no circumstances were the cc's shown or were told about the things being talked about ( being priv made that easier ). What might have been a safer nsfw community ( idk how that would work but alas) turned into one of Very very violent ones. The minors in poppytwt were mostly victims. It was their way if coping i guess? So a lot of these shipping fantasies almost always turned either violent or outright illegal. I was a part of fandom culture from a very young age, so i liked shipping and playing with characters as they were my dolls. I'm sure there were more like me ( non violent i guess? ) but the community almost always consisted of rape and violent fantasies. It pushed what normally would be a healthy thing for teenagers to think ( tommyinnit is hot! or like wow tubbo and tommy are so gay and in love ahhahaa) and turned them into INSANE ones. Poppytwt was mostly go big or go home. Either you write rape fanfiction of ur favs or you go back to main. That was one of the reasons i left, i just wanted to play around and make my favorite characters fall in love. I was in this community for about 2 months and i still somehow can't wrap my brain around it. My tl mostly consisted of 15 year olds whining about school work and talking about cc's. We were all kids man, the oldest person i met was 19. A lot of predators got called out regularly, and the things they did was absolutely INSANE. i would have to retweet call out posts consisting of literal sexual abuse, stalking, rape, and very very gore-y death threats. It was just such an unsafe community for such vulnerable kids. I was friends with alice ( very briefly ) and i had multiple people i knew go offline or off the grid because of what happened to him. I miss her very dearly, and he was also one of the reasons i left. I remember seeing him tweeting about how suicidal or guilty they felt, and there was nothing i could do about it. She was a kid. They had SO MUCH to live for. i do not endorse rape fantasies or anything of the sort, but what i am more opposed to is the shunning of vulnerable kids. why were we treated as predators when most of us were victims? I dont know. i guess im just rambling now. Sorry for any spelling mistakes, english isn't my first language.

This lines up with what I’ve seen and heard, the way that older and younger people were all in the same place for different reasons and then escalated from there. I think it’s important to keep the people who were victims of circumstance for all this in mind when people talk about Poppy, since so many of them were young troubled people as you said.

#poppy warn tag #cw: sexualization of a minor #cw: grooming #tw: rape #tw: suicide

[literalite]

Hii!!!💕 Please 🎵🎭💥🔥 for Sunny!

I hope I'm not as late as always, but wanted to send an ask for OC emoji asks thingy and say once again that I love your simblr with my whole heart and especially love the character development and depths of your original characters! The lore behind them is just so detailed, and I can't put my head around how it's possible. Also, your writing is beautiful, and I'd read hundreds of your OC asks replies, you're so good at telling things! ANYWAYS, I hope you're having a great time of the day, regardless of what time it is! I love you & your blog ❤️

🎵 MUSIC NOTE - what is their playlist like? their favourite artists? do you associate a particular song with them?

sunny's playlist is here 😁 but again like nayefs its not really music he'd 100% listen to, just what summarises him as a character. in terms of personal taste he doesnt actually get to listen to a whole lot of music due to the incarceration and shit but if he could he'd like rap a lot i think 🤔 ive been listening to key glock a lot as of late and i think he'd like that

🎭 MASKS - do they act differently around certain people? what's different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?

oh yeah for sure hes almost nothing but masks at this point- he basically works out what he wants from a person and presents the mask they'd be able to work with and thats who he is with them. it's not even something he'll do on purpose half the time, it's so ingrained into his psyche. the person that he is without it isn't one worth his or anyone else's attention as far as he's concerned- its small and damaged and ugly. no one wants to see that shit least of all him

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

"trouble dealing with" is a bit of a loose criteria- if its what he can pack away nice and tight so he can continue being his smug confident extroverted self, its everything. he does well with just leaving difficult emotions for when he'd by himself, but that doesn't mean it doesn't tear him up on the inside. as for what he truly struggles with, its guilt. he feels guilt for being born, for being alive, for every terrible thing he thinks he's done and not so much for the atrocities he actually has committed to be totally honest

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

looook there is nothing wrong with casual sex as a concept. but that is his main and most destructive vice he will throw himself into frankly unsafe dynamics and situations and convince himself it's fine as a means to an end because he doesn't have any other outlet available to him. it degrades his already fucked sense of self and worth he's just a thing to be used convincing himself he's okay with being wanted or needed at least in this capacity

CRYYYYYING olya ur literally the kindest ever 🥺 ilysm... i worry that i ramble on too much im glad at least someone is enjoying my terminal brainrot about my own characters sgdjdgdksk thank you sm!! i am having a decent day its a lil unproductive but since im on uni break thats ok i think... mwah i hope u have a wonderful day too 💞

#ask #reply #olya-occult-lover #this might be the last ask of the night im eepy 😴 goodnight everyone i love u all

[fairycosmos]

god do you also get scared when your parents are angry even though you're an adult?? i feel like crying and my heart goes crazy and i want to hide im terrified of their anger and i always seem to be the cause

hi yeah i totally know what you mean - i think a lot of ppl do, for those who were raised by fear, that's always going to be the go-to reaction unfortunately. so i like my dad, but i'm trying to get really good at talking to him in a way that doesn't set him off. i know if is say the slightly wrong thing at the slightly wrong time, esp if he's had smth to drink, it's going to end badly. so i've been trying to learn to not outwardly react or entertain it as much. but it's like navigating a landmine. i also feel like crying, and my heart goes mad and i feel kind of sick whenever i make a misstep, it's awful. i wanted to say that i know it's easy to internalise guilt and self-blame when this happens, but i think it's important to understand that they are the only people responsible for how they express their own anger. it's up to them to communicate like a mature human being, and if they refuse to even try, then you don't have to give their words any credence at all. it says everything about them and their own lack of emotional intelligence / empathy, and nothing about you. you're not the cause, you're just witnessing their bullshit.

they are are grown adults. nothing you ever do or say means that you deserve to feel so unsafe around people who are supposed to protect you, and be there for you and take care of you. yes, even if you're not a kid anymore. it's not right and it's not your fault, and it's not a sign that you're doing something wrong either. some people are just shitty individuals and even shittier parents, but that's never going to be on you. obviously, we can't just stop feeling scared, or simply "get over it" - especially when this response has been ingrained in us since childhood - it sounds like your parents have been putting you through a lot of crap for a long time, and your brain is acting intuitively based off of that mistreatment. i understand that that can take years to truly work through, maybe the entirety of our adult lives. these thinking patterns are burned into your mind + your core beliefs, which is partially what makes it all so fucking unfair, so painful and disorienting.  but we can start with grounding ourselves in reality via self compassion, we can start by reminding ourselves that it's not our job to make ourselves small to avoid our parent's toddler tantrums. we can start with emotionally or literally distancing ourselves from toxic individuals to preserve our own mental health, we can start with considering therapy or other avenues of support i.e a hotline or a support group - maybe that feels drastic to you, but i'm trying to get across how worrying this ask is and how much you deserve to feel listened to, to feel like you have options beyond it. because you do, even if they take a while to open up to you fully. anyway, i won't ramble for too long but just know i completely get where you're coming from, and i'd fucking eat ur parents alive if i could. if you need a friend or anything, don't hesitate to say hi in the inbox, i'll be willing to lend an ear. ur absolutely not alone. sending you a huge hug. please take care of yourself and fuck the rest! x

#anon #tw abuse

[another-dra-anew]

Higa (- definitely someone you don't know yes yes)

I GENUINELY HOPE CANON HIGA EXPLODES I NEED TO PUT THIS DISCLAIMER UP. AAAA

anyways. nothing i can think to cw for/have been asked to cw for iirc? mentions of higas favorite hobby (committing hate crimes) but that’s abt all.

- My identity hc for them

homophobic homosexual. there’s nothing more to say- wait. sorry. he took the wrong red pill noooo higa no!!! okay now there’s nothing else to say

- Thoughts on their home life/family

now we start the fun game of how do i chat about my kids without spoiling things… ya know. okay. i think his paternal grandparents are actually p chill they’re just not even remotely involved bc they live vv far away. they’re a bit upset with tatsunori for never updating them. higa used to send them tickets to all his Big games but then he overheard them joking with tatsunori about how they were always traveling home just to travel back out again. so. he doesn’t send them tickets as often now

- How i feel about their canonical writing/handling

i think in a lot of early posts i wasn’t confident enough in my writing to make higa more of… a actual Issue? he was kinda just a dick who got shut down quick by everyone. so i need to go back and fix that. need to show his actions are like. Very Bad, and he def faces consequences.

- The one thing i’d want to make canon about them

uhh. well. u see. im kinda writing beta so. the only thing i can really think of is like… making canon “if (x) had happened to higa instead of (y), then he would’ve turned out like (z)”, since i can’t reallyyy… get into backstory changes like that? 

- My number one favorite ship for them

i think non despair red pill is fun!! (specify non despair because the kg isn’t really the best time for higas personal growth, which is smthn red pill kinda hinges on)- SORRY PEOPLE WHO ARENT IN THE SERVER? i don’t remember if this joke has breached contamination or not. red pill is yamaguchi/higa. 

especially in non despair (since side stepping away from others isn’t really a option in the game + kinda makes people feel homicidal), they both wind up kinda isolated/on the fringes of group interactions because they’re not just. abrasive but they say shit that actually feeds into negative stereotypes. so people r a bit. steps away from them. so should they both get the chance to grow and change they can bond over how hard it is to try and integrate into a group u were excluded from because of like. ur own decisions hurting people in the group. 

- …Now everyone else i ship with them

higa keeps hate criming people it’s kinda. hard to ship him with people. that being said i think it’s silly to say he has a bit of a crush on maeda. cuz i promise u all maeda, at best, is 😐 at higa. i don’t ship them together but i think the idea of higa having a crush on maeda is funny. it’s definitely not canon tho i don’t write beta with that in mind

- The thing i will NEVER ship

see above. god damn it higa. (not that u can’t hurt people and genuinely change and grow. but like. yeah i think a lot of those ships have kinda sunk). 

- a dynamic/relationship i wish was explored more (in canon, or in fandom)

hmmmmm…. i’d honestly like to talk more about kobas feelings on higa? specifically within the context of the game where it’s like. obviously koba doesn’t want higa to FUCKING DIE but while he understands the situation and knows if he felt uncomfortable or unsafe, he could say so and higa would get booted out. i think he’s just not very happy with the fact that they have to tip toe around higas general evil-ness so that he doesnt go off the rails and like. try to work with monokuma. he’s choosing so much mercy and so much emotional maturity. and that’s what sucks about being confined to one pov character!!!

- thoughts on their design (appearance-wise)

maybe if i stopped giving higa fits that are so easy to clown on, he’d leave his villain era. hm. anyways!! lol sweater vest lol. i do genuinely like his design (been gently working on kobas fit recently and giving them more distinctive color palettes, so that’s fun), buuut yeah! tbh i don’t see it changing i don’t know where i’d go from here. i think it works v well ! :D

- A music-related thought- a song that reminds me of them, or what their music taste is, etc

had to Hunt to find one. but animal - sir chloe makes me think like. a song higa would listen to, then close out of halfway through and never listen to it again but be haunted by the Thoughts it made him Think. im not good at interpreting songs the way they’re meant to be interpreted. :(. sorry to everyone behind sir chloe. 

#higa mitsuhiro #ask meme

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Ptsd #Ptsd tw #Verbal abuse tw #Suicidal tw #Suicidal thoughts tw #Suicidal

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

i couldnt stop laughing at the basically “kissing up the homies to hide the women” theory. it also made me feel kinda weird however like this is the world we’re living in? MEN HAVE TO HIDE THE WOMEN THEY’RE GETTING INVOLVED WITH (heterosexuality getting that closet treatment) it’s so very dystopian but also so fcking funny. these are grown men doing all of these things and for what: fame, money, fans lol. i mean at the end of the day rather than “damage control” it just causes more damage. so many 2nd gen idols were publicly involved w ppl. like g dragon and miko kizuhara that was very much fcking public with photos from thousands of angles they didnt seem much bothered and im sure theres many others. no need to directly confirm anything (it can be kind of unsafe for the woman involved) but atleast dont do all these things thinking ppl wud actually believe ur ass

It really does sound crazy to say it "out loud". It makes sense in my mind, but actually saying it to other people makes me feel kind of insane. It's also one of those things that if I saw someone else say, I'd roll my eyes so hard and think that they're stupid 😭 that's why I keep delulu thoughts to myself. Because I know how hard I'd judge people if it were someone else saying it.

Definitely, any damage control in situations like these (dating) only causes more damage in the long run. It might be enough and it might work for the near future, just to get people off of your back, but ultimately following your rumoured girlfriend on instagram and then acting like the app suddenly came to life and threatened you into following her and you were just a victim, it just enables people to keep thinking they can dictate what you do and who you date. Situations like that also continuously feed a wrongful idea of who you are. I mean, Taehyung "accidentally" followed two people, and people reacted the second time based on the way HE reacted the first time around -acting like a victim, like he didn't know what he was doing.

Anyways. Fact is that idols, male idols especifically hide their relationships all the time. Period. How many idol groups are there and how many do you know have girlfriends? Yeah. Do people really believe that the 30 members of NCT are celibate? Or that they're all gay because they were never seen with women? Without going too far, just take hybe groups. 7 men in BTS, 13 in seventeen, 5 in txt. That's 25 guys who've never dated publicly but they've most certainly been in relationships.

Male idols just don't admit to dating women, ever. Sometimes they get caught dating and they either deny it or confirm, like gdragon and miko who never confirmed but the info was out there. The great majority just gets secretly married because their girlfriend got pregnant. It's not even just idols, actors and actresses too. There are several, seriously so many hot, rich male actors well into their 40s who were never seen with girlfriends. They're not all gay, and they're not all virgins. It's just the way Korean entertainers go about their life.

So I've always thought the pity parties BTS shippers throw for their ship were so ridiculous, because it's not like taekook are in love and having the worst time of their life because they can't hold hands publicly (only) because they're gay. If they were dating women you wouldn't know it either!!!!!!!!!! Jimin and/or Jungkook could very much well be dating women for years and you wouldn't know it unless they wanted you to know or unless they suddenly messed up and got caught. It's not that they have to "hide" because they're so scared of homophobia; trust me, if they have girlfriends they're using every possible method to go under the radar. Like, do people honestly believe that Jimin, who doesn't even show what color his walls are, would willingly say "everyone say hiii this is my girlfriend."

So in the end idols are also straight people having to have secret dates and secret partners because that's what it's expected of them, OR they could simply not want to talk about their private lives.

Obviously if a gay couple unfortunately "gets caught" is a whole different story, but let's pretend for a minute that being gay and straight is the same -BTS members love life IS and WILL remain a mistery no matter their sexuality. So the pity parties never made sense to me, "it's so sad that jikook have to hide" "they can't be themselves" "they have to be careful". Girl! If they are sleeping with women you would not know either and they would hide anyways.

Not to mention that gay couples within group of friends go sooooooo easily under the radar. I was in a relationship with my female friend for years and nobody knew, our other friends thought we were just like that. After we broke up, I told four other friends and only ONE, literally only ONE friend was like "I suspected something was going on". I'm talking about people I went to school with, people me and my girlfriend hung out with for 8 hours a day, and then whole weekends, have sleepovers, people we traveled with. In the same way, nobody is ever getting suspicious about a BTS member going into the house of another BTS member, be for fucking real. So I don't get what's all the fuss and the sob stories about oppressed BTS ships.

Normal people in the real world sometimes look at BTS and just see friends; shocking, I know.

[3s-diary]

woah, its novemeber and i remember writing the holiday report posts in bio class after the holidays, then forgot to do the rest of it, which is okay however, that was a whilw ago but the quick recap is in week 5 i went to the netherlands which was partly really nice bc i hung with my homie there and partly really awful bc i. felt so dysphoric and lonely that i cried a lot and stared at the. wall or ran away from the restaurant once so no one would notice. overall i was happy to be gone from home tho and had a few happy moments, im really thankful for being able to go. since we both graduate next year, i hope the person i always meet there and me will see each other again at all. just one day after i went back home me and my friends left to go to a youuth hostel which was really just a fever dream. on the train ride there dipsy was anxious and nauseous all the time bc she gets like insanely scared of being late or anything. when we were there however we hung in the hostel, the food was okay(im a picky eater so that was a big worry) and we went to the store to get snacks and stuff to drink.the next day we tried to go to a nearby memorial, which didnt work bc we didnt get how the bus traffic worked at all, which is why we got really frustrated and me and dipsy wanted to gi home whilw pou wanted to keep trying and we just sorta went home pissed and did nothing afterwards and i was really depressed as soon as i had alone time and any thoughts passed my head. every "social break" we took, was sorta dipsys decision and she either went for a walk or watched shameless whilw pou slept and i listened to music and overthought. i didn't like them, but well come to that. im not quite sure anymore, but i think we went for a run afterwards which was really okay and then (after i almost had a breakdown over the community showers, but i lickily managed to shower when no one was there) went to dinner. i think during that as well as after pou started crying, which she did often (or had general emotional outbursts) which me and dipsy sometimws didn't know how to handle, for my part ir was especially because i was very deep inside my own problems and couldn't even care for myself. then we started drinking and after we got in a fight again we went for a huge walk in the middle of the night and i told them all the things ive never told noone before, like my eating issues and the stuff about my relation to men , and essentially all the stuff that happened with my ex bsf as well as every thing that happened with my dad and mom. (yeah, in the middle of the night, wasted, in a city weve never been before). i still dk how to feel abt that but they tried to understand, and pou told us about how she doesnt get along with her dad and about all the boys who were assholes towards. her. it was really,,, weird somehow how we just spilled everything we stfu about before all at once, I don't even know what else to say about that but it was just . a situation.

the next day we went to the city and ate pitza as well as got funny little drinks and walked around. in the evening we (for WHATEVER REASON) decided to walk to the memorial we couldnt get to before so we started going at like 11pm. however when we already walked for a bit dipsy said we should return bc its like totally unsafe and we could break our legs(bc the route was really leading up a hill and through a forest) and i was really mad bc we just decided altogether to go there, however i was so emotionally drained that i had no energy to really even argue. pou got really pissed as well and they argued whilw i felt like just disappearing tbh. we ended up going, on the way there i started crying and when they asked what was wrong i tried to explain how ive been feeling to drained and lonely all along and thought it would get better here but it didnr and i cant do this anymore ans they hugged me but didn't know what to say so we kept walking vut i couldnt stop crying and didnr wanna talk to them. the 2 of them tried talking out some of our conflicts, which wouldve been nice to see but i didnr partake bc all i wanted to do was die and idk tgose 1.5 hours we walked in the dark were a huge fever dream, all i didn was wish i was dead and cry my eyes out .whwn we got there it was cool, i managed to stop crying at some point. we literally walked back on a street without a side walk so wehad to jump into the bushes everytime there was a car, which was so weird and dipsy was so anxious about it and the conversations we had were really weird kinda and idk what the hell was up. we found a few books on the street which pou wanted to take with her but we thought it was creepy (and nowadays everything is a sex trafficking method,so...) so we talked her out of it and we got in a fight abt that and then we got into a fight about ehich time we should get up cus we had to check out at 9 am. like. whatever the next day dipsy was anxious throuufhtout the whole trip again but yeah we got home. that was our trip together and its the weirdest thing thats ever happened to me, i also feel like it wouldve wenr a lot different if all of use wozldve been in a better mental state, we always sorta fuck up hangouts when at least one of us is doing bad, it just really ruins it. but yeah we were home.

#she1pou1 #bsf1dipsy #trans1general1 #d3pr3ssion1issues1

[keefwho]

November 01 - 2022

8:17 AM

No one likes to work, me included. And I don’t even have much to do relatively speaking. But it still sucks ass and I’m still trying to find a way of doing/thinking about it so I’m a little less miserable. Most of the time it comes down to knowing how awesome I’ll feel if I buckle down and get it done early so I have the rest of the day to goof off, but I still know I’ll have to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. But part of bearing it is accepting it is ceaseless, its just how it is. 

11:37 AM

My tummy has been unhappy for most of the morning but I’m not letting it bother me. It’s just annoying that it can happen so suddenly so often. I can’t wait for it to get better though. It happens enough that using it as an excuse for a break will mean I never get anything done. And I can’t hope for a natural break like a weekend all the time. I just have to deal with it. 

2:14 PM

I did my time for today but I’m VERY stressed because I want to do good on this current commission and I’ve put a lot of time into trying to get it right. But I just cant get it to a good place. HOW MUCH TIME Is it gonna take me? Will I be able to get it done in a reasonable time at all? It’s difficult sometimes to meet my personal quotas and put out things I can be proud of. The only way to fix that would be to get better at being fast or charge more and I feel like I charge enough already. I’m gonna do my best to stop thinking about it right now and save it for tomorrow. It’ll be better to look at it with fresh eyes later anyways.

I WANT TO CRYYYY I can’t figure this shit out, it’s killing me  Im so fucked

4:34 PM

Once again I am in despair about my anxiety/phobia. 

I SHOULD be happy about getting groceries but I’m always just scared of them. Even the freezer food these days. Mainly the stuff in the fridge. Its hard to figure out what to do about all this. I’m afraid of basically all food to some degree. Eating is almost never enjoyable because I do it with caution. Thats why I struggle to eat enough. Its silly because I’ve never once gotten food poisoning in my life and I used to have the same food standards as my parents. 

All I know to do is practice a little exposure and eat things I’m afraid of anyways, even if its just in small amounts. Pretending can help too, like pretending that everything is fine because it literally is. Its just fact that food isn’t as unsafe as I feel it is and I also have very high safety standards with everything I get. The reality is NOTHING I currently have should make me sick. Somewhere inside me I believe that something in my fridge/freezer/panty MUST be tainted. But none of it should be. 

Maybe it’ll be good to write down every time I challenge myself and track that. I could have a 1-10 rating score on how challenging it was. I can probably do that with my calender but I don’t like cluttering it. 

I know I must come off as fucking crazy but I’m trying my hardest to stop being this way. I would talk to a therapist again if I had the money but I need to get my work life sorted out more. I feel like it’s been in shambles for awhile. I used to be proud of how much I did and I always pulled in more money than I meant to but now I’m finding it hard to keep up. 

4:58 PM

I think what I need is some coordination when it comes to how I’m trying to tackle my mental issues. I’m still kinda just winging it but some direction would be useful. Like implementation of a challenge system so I can record them and set goals. And maybe things I do daily like a recap of the days events followed my reading over the previous day’s entries. I’ve been meaning to re-read everything but I’ve been slacking. 

5:21 PM

I was down for a little bit there but I’m picking myself back up. It feels wrong though, like I’m supposed to be miserable. But I should accept I deserve happiness. I also have the strong need to be consistent so I feel like being happy is a waste if I’m just going to be sad again so I should expect to stay sad. But I know that’s dumb. Everything is up and down. I should enjoy the ups. I’m currently feeling confident that I can make changes in my life and become who I want to be. Sometimes I slip up but I can always get myself back on track and do good things. I’m giving myself a little bit of deserved relaxation. REAL relaxation. I worked hard today so I deserve it. 

Recap

This morning I woke up feeling like it was another weekend day because I do that every Sunday. I was very confident, I made myself a short list on sticky notes of things I’d get done in order as quickly as I could. I really didn’t want to waste time today like I usually do. I was moderately successful. My tummy kinda hurt and that was my biggest problem but I pulled through enough to be proud of myself. My ultimate goal was to get everything done before my dad brought my groceries at around 2:30 and I achieved that. I also decided to actually draw for 2 hours instead of just setting a 2 hour timer for it. If I go by timer alone, I end up not drawing for 15-30 minutes of that time because of bathroom breaks or sidetracking and I still tote myself as having drawn that whole time. Instead I went purely by my time tracker so I made sure to get that time in. I also put a stopwatch on the side and it took me 2.5 hours to do 2 hours of work. LOTS of distractions. 

The afternoon was spent worrying a little bit before calming down and taking some much needed me time. I relaxed with BOTW and then Hyrule Warriors and Medievil while in call with my besties. Then I had some VRchat time with them and got off for dinner. 

[solargardensystem]

My specific brand of PTSD, with all of the weird complexities, boils down to never having control until I left home at 19.

I couldn’t control what I thought

My parents thought for me all 19 years

I couldn’t control what I wore

My parents chose my clothes for me for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I learned

My parents chose that for me for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I watched

That was HEAVILY restricted for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I believed

I was told what to believe and expected to for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I practiced

Spiritual practices were decided for me, even if I didn’t agree

I couldn’t control who my friends were

They were often chosen for me OR I wasn’t allowed to hang out with them if they were the opposite gender

I couldn’t control my own room

Every wall hanging, art project, rearrangement was supposed to be pre-approved

I couldn’t control the music I listened to

It was supposed to be 90% Christian

I couldn’t control my finances

They were monitored and connected to my parents accounts

I couldn’t control my vehicle

It was in my parents names

I couldn’t control what I ate

Which led me down a path of anorexia and ARFID

I couldn’t control when other people could touch me

Which led to a lot of uncomfortable instances of forced hugs, assault, and people thinking they have the right to pray over me without consent

I couldn’t control what spy software was installed on my devices

Which made me feel completely unsafe venting to anyone about my issues

I bring this up because I just realized THREE YEARS LATER what I’ve done to work through this. I take back control. Here’s what I’ve done.

Ten signs of childhood trauma:

1. Codependency

To fix, my finances are now MINE. My living situation relies on me and there’s always a plan B. I never let a single thing happen where I don’t at least have 2 backup plans that rely on ONLY me.

2. Need for Validation

Still working on this. I don’t really see it as a bad thing. I need validation but not for every single thing and it’s more of a “am I on the right track” question. I just like to feel appreciated and I don’t need it after every single task.

3. Fear of Abandonment/Rejection

Solved this by cutting everyone I knew out of my life. I was the one abandoning for once, and it very quickly erased my fear of losing certain people. This is a blessing and a curse.

4. Poor/No Boundaries

My boundaries are HARD and FAST now. You cross a boundary one too many times or cross a bad enough boundary and you’re out. Bye bye mf.

5. People Pleasing

Im working on learning the difference between being nice but able to say no and being people pleasing. I love to help and I can still people please when the person is important to me, but I try not to just make everyone happy. Because you can’t. I’ve learned very quickly how to use the word no and let me tell youuuuuuu

6. Needing to Fix Others

I very quickly learned that if I want to fix others I have to fix myself first. And then I got so tired of fixing myself that I realized how much work it was to try fixing others. That killed that quick.

7. Needing to Prove Oneself

Still do this, I haven’t even begun working on this lmao.

8. High Tolerance of Abusive and Toxic Traits

I basically told myself if I was so tired of those things I had to leave home, move across the country, and cut everyone off, I probably shouldn’t just let other people treat me that way again.

9. Hypervigilence

Still working on this. It helps to be very far away from anyone you’d need to look out for.

10. Constantly Attract Narcissistic Friends

I don’t feel like I attract many narcissistic friends, but the ones I attracted/attract get shut down very quickly. Recognize their problematic behaviour early and if they don’t stop, leave them in the dust. Not worth it.