An Unsent Letter AND A Romance that Never Will Be
Dearest Caps,
Do you know I've sung love songs about you? You make me giggle like a stupid mess. Every couple of days, I develop a crush on you, that feels very new, but isn't.
This is a joyful letter. Do you know you're so fucking cute! Cats aren't supposed to be cute; how the fuck did you manage that. A close second to my favourite nephew. I feel so jumpy when you pull my legs. I don't even want to retaliate at that.
[This is a para in Hindi, basically lines in praise of her beauty, smile and laughter.] Arre, yeh toh badi jaldi khatam ho gaya. Mujhe toh laga tha lamba chalega. Meh, kya karein, itni hi acchayiyyan hai tujhmein. Teri smile kitni bekar hai pata hai? Aur teri hansi toh aur bhi ghatiya hai, tujhe hansta dekhkar saara mood kharab ho jata hai. Airport the jab tu mujhe lene aayi thi, pink plazzos, black kurti aur woh jhumke. Main toh shock mein chali gayi thi kuch seconds ke liye, bhoot dikh gaya ho jaise. I was so stunned -- activated the "what's the procedure" meme inside me.
I told you no, that I now officially identify as a liquid, well that's coz I melt when you're around. I melt looking at your pictures. I joke that I hope I don't evaporate coz that'd make me gender gaseous(this one is a stolen joke)!
You make me laugh and I like making you laugh, And I don't know whether our sense of humour matches or what but it's fun with you. Laughter is really essential to my being, as essential as finding or recognising or seeing beauty is. And I think having things light heared, to be able to have these moments, share these moments is nice. I think I'll get fed up of a friendship or a romance and get claustrophobic where there's little space and scope for sharing laughs.
When you pick up your phone to click my photo, I sink my face in my hand, "arre!” you say! Ab I wish I could explain to you, I feel nervous and shy and the butterflies start to kick in. Because when you pick up your phone, I KNOW that you are seeing me, AND I feel scared that you’ll see through me. That you’ll see in my eyes, the words that I try so hard to bury. So I hide my face, and in that I hide “Oh my god, I love you so much Capsey.”
Dil toh yahi chahta ahi ki table doosre chor par baith kar tumhari aankhon mein kho jaun [the heart just wants to sit across the table and get lost in your eyes.] I want to look in your eyes and see what they entail, what they have to tell. I want us to look into each other's eyes if that's what you want too. If and only if. I don't think friends do this, if this is what romance is, then be it. OR perhaps I;m romanticising eyes and weirdly staring into eyes too much, in which case, well! We have another thing to laigh about. And you can make fun of my cheese and bollywood. I wish I could ask you out on a date, I wish I could say, "I love you" to you sometimes. I LOVE YOU, you know. I want to flirt with you, and I want to let myself enjoy it. I want us to flirt with each other.
I feel bad, guilty for wriitng things I want from you. It feels selfish. But I want to be honest. It is what it is. Don't wanna hide it. Not from myself at the very least. From you, I probably will. I often find myself second guessing what to say to you. Consciously trying to decide whether what I say lies on this OR that side of the boundary. Whether I'll end up saying something overtly sexual or whether what I'll say is too "loving", as in the langauge makes you uncomfy or whether what I'll say will occupy too much space. I want to not second guess a lot of these times. I want some of these boundaries to disappear.
I am not exactly sure what romance is. You read a lot, nothing I'd say will be as poetic or as romantic as some of the things you've read. I'm not a poet, I'm a lover. I wish for us to find or make our own romance together. One that may or may not be in the books but it won't matter because it's ours. I so dearly want to find out with you what our romance could be.
I want to see the sparkle in your eyes when you come across something interesting, and when you find beauty and meaning and music and depth. And I want to bring hot water bags when your hands hurt from drawing. And cook halwa when you're cranky. You can be as cranky as you want. You don't have to hold it in.
For saying all of these wants, I know my hope isn't hope, but delusion rather.
And so, I just want to say, You take away cynicism from my life, and you know how cynical I am. You opened your arms and took me in and embraced me. I am so very grateful for that. I can't stop admiring how actively you live your life, how you take initiatives. I see that whatever you seek, you try to create and be part of processes that help you experience it. You don't yearn for what you seek, you live it. Everyday. You're so so kind. And authentic. And you create spaces so that people can be their authentic selves. How unafraid and unapologetic you are. I will forever be in gratitude for coming across you, and definitely in awe of you.
I love you.
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Nimona AU where Ballister and Nimona do leave the kingdom and go over the wall to find a new safe home. Years pass. The kingdom is more paranoid than ever because the queen killer and the monster were never caught and could presumably still live among them or return to cause more chaos.
The director decides one day that they need to take the fight to the monsters, strike first before they are stricken again. Knights are sent out beyond the wall to search the surrounding land and burn down the woods in order to “smoke the monsters out.” Destroying everything, trying to fight a monster that was never even there.
During one of these instances, Ambrosius and Ballister finally see each other again face to face for the first time in years since that fateful interaction at the institution. They’ve both changed, physically at least; Ambrosius’ hair is longer, Bal’s got some more grey streaks and a new arm upgrade. But underneath all of that they’re still the same, still got that lingering hurt and romantic feelings. Nimona is still the same as ever and hasn’t aged a day.
(Also idea that maybe there’s other small communities and people living outside the wall that Bal and Nimona ended up quietly settling down in. People who are far more open minded and accepting of others, and who are more concerned about the walled off kingdom with guns pointing at them than this nice guy and his cool daughter. That’s their neighbor and they’re not gonna let some knights storm in and cause trouble for him.)
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cw: pregnancy, kids (you guys have a daughter together), fwb’s, angst with a bit of a hopeful ending, refers to you as ‘girl’ once
Friends with benefits Bakugou who never really got over his ego to fully commit to you. You’re a little ashamed to admit it, but when you fell pregnant, you thought that things would change. That the whole “no feelings” aspect would’ve been dropped, that he would’ve embraced you fully.
But he just…didn’t? If anything, he distanced himself away from you, became so formal like you were another coworker he would address. It was heartbreaking, going through your first pregnancy feeling so, so alone, but having to grin and bear it the whole way through.
He supported you though in every way that he could. He never missed an appointment, would trek to your house during late nights whenever you craved something. He even moved you in to his own apartment during your last trimester, but a couple months after your baby was born, you went back home. You never felt unwelcome, but you couldn’t pretend to be a happy family when he slept in the guest room every night.
So now, you coparent quite easily. At least, it seems easy to Bakugou, but really, it’s all a facade.
In all honesty? He thinks he’s a fuck up. An idiot. The stupidest, shittiest person who’s ever existed.
He thought what he was doing was enough, that the words he didn’t say carried across oceans, formulated into titles that he never verbalized. So when you told him you would be happy to coparent, his world felt upended suddenly, as he holds his tiny little baby girl in his arms.
Coparent? How could a couple coparent? Where did he go wrong? (He only slept in the guest room to give you and baby space, only moved you in late because you lived so far away and you were getting so big. He never said I love you because he was too embarrassed to say it out loud. He didn’t know he had to say it out loud to solidify it. He thought you just knew.)
So it’s why his heart breaks when he catches a glimpse of curly blond hair and red eyes in the grocery store. He tries to duck behind an aisle, but his baby would recognize him anywhere. (It’s true; you’ve sent many videos of her recognizing him on billboards and tv commercials and magazines.)
“Bakugou?” You call, ducking around the corner to catch a glimpse of him. He tries to act nonchalant like he’s looking at cans of soup, tries not to cringe at your formal name. He turns when you come into view, eyes drinking in your attire. His heart breaks a little when he recognizes the shirt you took in your second trimester, still has the pic you sent him of you grinning as you show off what you stole.
“Hey.” Bakugou greets gruffly, mouth pulled tight, but it cracks into a grin when his daughter starts squealing. She’s in the front part of the shopping cart, twisting her little chunky body to get out and get to him. She damn near screams when he sets his basket down to pick her up, rubbing his nose to hers.
“How ya doing, squirt?” He asks quietly, pecking at her chubby cheeks as she instantly starts babbling to him. He holds her close to his chest, eyes full of pure love for his baby girl, and it makes your heart squeeze so tight you think it might burst.
“This isn’t your neck of the woods.” You mutter, head tilting to the side as you take in your daughters excited face to see her father. Bakugou’s eyes snap to your own, letting his daughter play with his fingers in the meanwhile. He looks embarrassed, cheeks a dusty pink as he grumbles and looks away.
“I was just picking up some stuff to drop off for her. Was gonna text you and see if you were home,” he replies, and something tells you that it’s a lie. But you don’t pester him about it, just nod a few times, taking in the sight.
He looks so good like that, in his compression shirt and sweats, his hair mussed from your daughters incessant pulling. He’s grinning at her, but looks so bashful when he turns to you, like he’s thinking about things he knows he shouldn’t, like he has a boatload to say but can’t cough up.
And if you were a mind reader, you’d be so fucking right. He can’t help but reminisce on before you got pregnant, the nights spent with you. The day you told him you were having a girl, the tears you cried when you delivered her. He thinks, filled with so much guilt the entire time, that he wants another one. With you.
“‘S it okay if I walk my favorite girls home?” He asks you gruffly, nibbling on your daughters cheeks to hear her giggle again, uncaring of the drool she leaves on his hand. You feel your eyes widen at his term for you, face suddenly flushing. Favorite? You, his favorite?
Something tells you that you shouldn’t fall down the rabbit hole that is Bakugou Katsuki and his suppressed emotions and shitty ego. But there’s another something that tells you to trust it this time, to let things happen organically and without expectation. So you do.
“I’m sure she would love to show her daddy the new toy her grandma just brought her.” You tell him, giggling when he rolls his eyes at the mention of his mother. But he walks with you the entire time you finish up your grocery order, holding your daughter the whole time and pays for your groceries despite repeatedly telling him that he doesn’t have to.
He pushes her in the stroller stored underneath the shopping cart on the way home, making small conversation. And when you’re halfway home, does he reach for your hand. Only to cross the cross walk though, he tells himself, only for your protection. But he doesn’t let go until you’re in your own place, and even then, he’s close by the entire time. He helps you put away groceries, remembers where everything is like he lives here.
And for some reason, the familiarity makes your heart ache a little more than you would like it to.
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