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#until I go to the doctor at least. my asthma is getting real bad
failed221b-chill · 8 months
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Monday 31 July evening
So it seems like getting jam donuts delivered was a bad idea. Either that or im reacting to my new pain meds and I really don't want it to be that, so I'm going to say that 'may contain milk' status for greggs jam donuts means contains milk dont eat this if you cant eat milk you dummy!!!
Very proud of myself because i realised this and actually binned a remaining donut rather than eat more of it and get more pain from it.
Today has been good! I don't know how to sum it up other than I felt like a person today, even though i know thats me judging myself for how i am when the fatigue hits real bad, but it was just lighter today, i recovered a bit enough to do some things and i dont think i pushed myself too hard this time in doing things. I took lots of rests and walked only very slowly and napped and still spent a large amount of the day lying down. But i also got out of the house and spoke to humans and had a drink in a cafe while i read a book which would have been impossible to do yesterday but i managed it nicely today. I hope.
Forgot my peakflow recording "homework" sheet on the way to the doctors for my appointment so had to ask my uber driver to turn around and take me back home to collect it. Still got there on time. Yay me for planning ahead enough to want to get to doctors early.
Migraine that lasted 3 days finally stopped yesterday evening so i could like... move and watch tv and eat and remind myself what time my doctors appointment was and plan to have breakfast earlier the next day. Thank fuck. Havent had a three day migraine in aaaages and it was NOT pleasant. Was just lying in bed like if i wasnt on antidepressants that stop me from crying i would be crying now at a 9 on the pain scale and unable to take anymore pain meds than id already took. Thank fuck thats done with.
Appointment to discuss asthma went well. Nurse thinks its fairly obvious from my peakflow that its not asthma, but i definitely do have breathing problems and now i have my hEDS diagnosis i am finding my problems initially do actually get listened to and respected and my concerns that there might be comorbidities im having get considered rather than dismissed from my age bracket.
So ive been referred for a spirometry test bc my doctors dont have one in house so i have to go to a different doctors to get it done, so i can hopefully rule out the scarier things it could be and then get more info that im hoping will either be a) you have a thing that is treatable heres how to treat it now please enjoy living a better quality of life and breathing than you ever have done, or b) this would be concerning symptom in someone else but for you it does just genuinely seem to be the way your body is made and your normal. There are a few ways to manage it and to improve your breathing though so we can explore those until we find one or a combo that works
Basically i just hope its not COPD but its also possible that it could be that, for multiple reasons, incl my family history gene pool mix of rare disorders and things that overlap and are comorbid etc etc.
But for now. Im just so glad the nurse took me seriously and didnt just say "well its not asthma, guess youre fine!"
Also I'm on asthma treatment for at least another month just to see if the long term preventer inhaler starts to improve my symptoms regardless of their cause.
It was funny she pulled up my gp records and was like... oh wait... youve had quite a few appointments since we last spoke. I was like yeah went into A&E, lol, and then a whole load of symptoms on a meverending list im going through with my GP and referrals etc etc. I think that probs helped with the whole taking me seriously, too.
Anyways so then i had planned to just get an uber back home and lie down all day, but id also prepared for if i wanted a walk to cafe and so i had all my meds and some books to read and comfort things and an extra jumper and electrolyte drink etc in my backpack, and the weather today has been like autumn weather, rainy on and off, cool, very pleasant for my potsy self to walk gently in without overheating.
So i took a walk to the high street, bought myself a new hot water bottle bc who knows how long my kitchen wont be usable/have a microwave to warm my heat pack teddies when the builders didnt even show up today 🙃 so anyways now i have two hot water bottles i can use to relieve aches and pains when needed.
Stepped foot into 2 different cafes that were both far too noisy. Found a third quieter one and a comfy chair and cosied up with music and a hot choc with soya milk and then even read a bit of my chinese graded reader. Theyre such useful resources, so much to do with them after simply reading them. But today i was just glad i still had the brain energy to read so i did simply reread a couple of chapters and was pleased to note id remembered some words that on first read i had to look up.
Stayed in cafe about an hour then got cold and tired and figured it was probs a good time to walk back before i got more cold and more tired (esp because while buying the hot water bottle id noticed i was gettting the onset of fatigue symptoms warnings with my eyes unfocusing behind my glasses and my legs feeling weaker)
Walked back home very slowly, and via a charity shop where i impulse bought lots of clothes but no regrets because theyre all nice and they all fit and some of them are like key wardrobe staples that unlock styling possibilities for existing clothes and also it gave me a boost of hope because some of them were like professional workwear so it felt nice to invest a tiny amount in increasing that aspect of my wardrobe as like... a symbol that i might one day be recovered enough to work from home and wear work clothes to signify that im in my working mode. Would be nice to be employable and gain income. Unlikely to be this year. But i think i need the break and the time to recalibrate and get used to my new limitations and ways i can adapt or improve my quality of life around them. So yeah buying those clothes felt a bit symbolic.
Home. Lunch. Rested. Napped. Rested. Tried on new clothes and made some fun outfits. Very thankful for cool weather meaning i could actually stand up for a bit in front of mirror to see how they looked. Rested. Ate dinner (a bit light but decided it was better not to eat the jam donut and i think i made right choice).
Had a bit of a feeling that i wanted to write so opened my helping myself document and wrote a tiny thing reminding myself where ive got up to this chapter in fleshing out and then created a new doc and wrote an incomplete list of reasons i love my story which was such a good thing to do. Then my timer went off to make sure i didnt focus too intensely and use too much energy.
Then i ignored it and found an old meta id written and reread that.
Then i stoped and closed my laptop so i could focus on my evening medicines routine and then i typed this.
Oh also i saw a heron today at the park from afar on my walk back and I tried to photograph it and it came out very poor picture quality overexposure lol
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Oh also i woke up at 4am with gut pains, stayed awake 2hrs, then slept another 2hrs before getting up slowly in prep for my appointment. Hopefully wont wake at 4am again tonight.
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emcant · 6 months
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Pigeon metaphor II
Big realization in therapy... I think. Prepare to be traumadumped.
At one of my first doctor's appointments after I moved out, they asked me how I was treating my asthma. I said ???? I don't have asthma. They said ???? yes you do, at least take a rescue inhaler. I did, and didn't really know what to do with it, but found it made climbing hills easier.
A decade and a daily prescription later, my boyfriend and I went on a hike with another friend in the parks service. I spent the entire time waiting for it to suck, knowing inherently that I hate hiking. It never did; it was, in fact, the best hike I've ever been on. Some weeks later, I realized that I was actually expecting to have trouble breathing. I was waiting to rotate between feeling winded, chemically burned, and as though I'd been stabbed... which sucks. Many of my friends have invited me on hikes over the years, and I've always turned them down. I texted all of them to apologize. I was mistaken: asthma sucks. Hiking is awesome.
One of the last conversations I had with my mother was after that first diagnosis. I asked her if she knew, and she confirmed that she found out when I was five, "but your dad didn't want an asthmatic child", and immediately changed the subject. First of all, my dad is more asthmatic than I am; I can see him saying not that verbatim, but something similar in the vein of "I wouldn't want my child to go through what I went through". Second, that's just too goddamn bad: he got one. They both did. I think there was an implied "and that's why he left" in there, which is hilarious in its own way. She was the one to move out of state, and thought I'd buy that at 20.
My mother doesn't like children. They're generally too loud for her, and she raised me more like a doll instead: virtually never heard and only seen on her terms. She kept me out of sports and blamed the expense, and would bark at me if she ever caught me running, skipping, jumping rope, etc. I used to assume that those were all too noisy, but now I'm thinking she was keeping me from overexerting myself into an asthma attack. She didn't have to worry too much. Until that rescue inhaler, I was unable to take more than ten running steps without feeling like my insides had been dipped in chlorine. I assumed that this was normal, and that something was wrong with me for being unable to work through it.
I have no idea why my dad and stepmom also seemed to believe this at face value, with my mother already having a track record of medical neglect. Middle school was a particular kind of hell for me because the presidential fitness tests came around, along with the mile run that I didn't know was actively endangering me. Naturally I failed it a lot but eventually managed to pass despite the searing pain through my chest, generally needing to lie down for ages afterward to fully regain my breath. My dad and stepmom were proud to "finally" see me getting active. (Every time I tell this story in real life, I catch myself raising my voice right about here.)
Point being, I think my mom's position was to keep me in the dark about things that would hurt me... but hurt is inevitable. If I came to her injured in some way, she'd punish me, frustrated, I think, that I made her look bad. If you didn't know what fire was, of course you'd want to touch it, and she resented having to treat me for burns after switching to a fully electric kitchen, if you will. But life demands that adults learn to feed themselves, and hot food satisfies like nothing else.
Anyway, the pigeon. We hadn't seen it for about a month. My boss has had something similar happen before: occasionally, he says, they decide that a building is theirs now. It came in three times in two days last month and made its triumphant return yesterday. No one saw it get in, but I was the one to get it back out, again.
Picture me on top of a ladder trying to corner a frightened bird with a broom on one side and a shopping basket on the other, thinking pretty extensively about whether I could rescue it instead. Suppose I brought it home and released it here? Seven miles away, next to a different shopping center with all the trash it could eat. Maybe it would be disoriented for a while, but surely it couldn't be worse than the sporadic bouts of head trauma from flying squarely at the store windows. Best of all, I'd be assured that animal control wouldn't hurt it, which is my biggest concern.
Boyfriend said that would be sort of cruel: that seven mile trip would be pretty awful for it. I said surely it wouldn't know the difference? - and felt a chill up my spine.
I've handled this bird more than once now, and can recognize it at a fair distance. (Its wings have a pretty even black/white feather distribution, except for a big black spot on the right.) Today it was hanging out across the street from the store with five or six friends, feathers all cleaned up after the mess it made of them yesterday. Seeing it in a new environment felt great. It doesn't do so well alone, and has a particularly bad time when it feels trapped, but it blends in seamlessly, painlessly, among its peers.
That's all that any of us could hope for, I think.
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officerbrowneyes · 1 year
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This is now my third attempt in sending this message. I don't think any of the other ones went though because I got error messages. In the event they did though, sorry for the nearly identical messages.
I hope your mom is ok after falling! I think that snow you got is heading my way. At least, we're supposed to get snow this week. I'm hoping for a snow day, or at least classes moved to zoom.
The only homework I really had to do today was working on my paper for my copyright class. I'm super glad I started it early because I ended up getting a major case of writer's block and was able to step away from it for a few days and then come back with a clear head.
The real problem with me and this cough is that I used to get really bad croup as a kid (I had an inhaler for it and everything) and my doctor would prescribe the codeine cough syrup. Obviously, I don't need that for this cough, but I've built up a bit of a tolerance to most cough medicines so it makes it harder to treat.
I do have outfits to share (and a thot that I've been kicking around for the last few days, but I'll send that separately because it's unrelated). However, I think that the reason I keep getting error messages is either because of the links or because of the message length, so I'm going to cut it off here and send the outfits bit in another message.
- Nightwing Anon
Oh my God, bestie. I am so sorry you had to work so hard to send this to me! It went through, and so did your outfit submission! I don't know if it's Tumblr or what, but I keep getting kicked off the internet when I'm on here lately. I don't think it's my internet because it's working fine on my phone and TV. However, when I'm using Tumblr on the desktop, it constantly crashes the internet, so I think it's Tumblr tbh. Getting sick of their bullshit tbh. I wish instead of giving us useless fucking updates, we would get actual bug fixes. 😒
I also noticed when I use certain text options (like when I use the chat block feature or as they call it "indented" it makes other text that you put under it disappear. I don't know what's going on, but the problems started when they moved the profile option, lmfao.
My mom isn't doing that great. Her fall caused a fibromyalgia flare up, so she's been pretty much stationary all day today. She's been laying on the couch and in bed all day. I'm just hoping that it goes away soon and she won't have to feel like this much longer. ☹️ Oh bestie, I think we're all getting a lot of snow this week! We have icy rain again upstate here. I love the snow, but the ice is what gets me. As a clumsy ass person with inner ear problems, the ice is not my friend. 😂😂😂😂 I'm sending energy out into the universe that you guys get another snow day and you don't have to go into class! Travelling to campus during a snowstorm/during winter is actually the worst. It's even worse when it storms and they don't give a fuck and don't cancel classes. That shit would make me so mad. 😂
Girly Pop, you are not alone. I had HUGE writers block earlier when I was writing my essay. I had a bunch of ideas for other oneshots and stories, and yet, when it came to writing my essay, I was struggling so hard. It's probably that mid - semester burnout getting to all of us. Luckily there's only a few more weeks until spring break! When does yours start?!
Oh my God! You poor thing! Do you have a history of asthma or no? I specifically remember having to take some sort of cough suppressant medicine when I had walking pneumonia in sixth gradI e, and immediately I puked it up. From that day forward I refuse to take any sort of cough medicine even if I'm coughing my brains out lmfao.
Did you have a good day today, babes? Did you manage to do anything fun to end the weekend off on a high note? 💞💞💞
Also, why don't you tell me a weird fun fact about yourself! I want to get to know the Nightwing behind the anon! 🤭
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So apparently I can't wear a mask for any period of time anymore 🙃 Love that for me.
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sweetsubharry · 3 years
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hi! do you have any fic recs of like really fluffy one shots
Hiya!! yes I do!! Aren’t they just the best sometimes?? Sorry this took me a few days to do! I had over 260 fics to go through on ao3 just under fluff (I really need to tidy my bookmarks!)  💖 There’s 79 in this list so it’s a long one!! ^-^
please stay safe and read the tags everyone! :)
freeze this moment in a frame and stay like this by rosesau
Harry (not so) secretly crushes on the cute footie player and fills pages with sketches of him.
Thunder started it by booloveshiscuppycake
Harry's always been scared of thunder storms. But louis' always been there to comfort him. Friendship and comfort turn into love. (Fluffy as shit)
but he cant be what you need (if he's eighteen) by lingerielarries
“I need you to do something for me.” Harry said, pinching his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger.
“It seems like you’re asking me to kill for you, H.” Louis laughed nervously.
“It’s nothing that drastic, I promise. It’s just. I don’t think it’s a secret that I’m not a.. normal eighteen year old.” Louis furrowed his eyebrows at that, narrowing his eyes at the younger boy.
“Are people giving you a hard time?” Louis wondered. Harry shifted in his seat and brushed some of his fringe off his forehead.
“Yeah, that’s. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.” Harry swallowed nervously. He could feel the sweat pooling at his hairline so he wiped it with the sleeve of his sweater. “I need you to uhm, pretend to be my boyfriend.”
or
the one where harry is sick of getting bullied and casts louis as the hot punk boyfriend to scare them away. louis needs harry to return the favor.
punk!louis and flowerchild!harry
the love is ours to make (so we should make it) by lingerielarries
“I’m.. Harry. I nanny? For Ernest and Doris?” Harry responded.
“A nanny? How old even are you? You look twelve.” Louis remarked. Something caught Louis’ eye, and a closer look revealed that Harry had a coat of pink nail polish on his fingers.
“Nineteen. I’m nineteen.” Harry replied.
“Right. Nineteen, wears pink, flower crowns and paints his nails. Who the actual fuck did my mum hire?”
or
the one where louis takes some time off from life to return home, only to be met with a strange boy in pink and a flowercrown as the nanny of his siblings.
All I See is You by ElegantSurrender
Even with the blood gushing from his nose, he couldn’t keep his thoughts on anything but the boy in front of him. He was just so… pretty. He smiled to himself, which only seemed to worry his boyfriend more.
“Why’re you smiling?” Louis asked confusedly, moving Harry’s bloody hand away, and replacing it with his, pinching his nose shut with a tissue. “You’re bleeding, and you’re fucking smiling.”
“Seeing you makes me happy.”
(or the one where Harry has a bloody nose and Louis takes care of him, and Harry really really loves Louis)
Pretty Blue Eyes (I don't care about the nightmares) by justgotowisharder
Harry has nightmares, Louis hates sharing the bed, they end up talking about dreams, they read Freud and they fall in love in the process.
Breathe by dontlietomehoney
Harry has an asthma attack and Louis is scared to death. What follows after though, scares both boys, pulling them apart and bringing them together.
with your love we could breathe underwater by luminescents
Harry’s brow furrows, a look of confusion spreading over his face. “But I am real. I exist, see,” he says, raising a hand out of the water and wiggling his fingers at Louis.
Louis finds himself relaxing a bit. Harry seems harmless really. And he’s quite cute, for something that’s not supposed to exist. If Louis is indeed having a hallucination right now, at least it’s a cute one.
AU where Harry is a mermaid, Louis is a human, and they both discover a lot more than they anticipated.
yes, you make my life worthwhile by orphan_account
Harry whispers to him that this feels like every dream he’s had for the last three years and Louis kisses his temple, behind his ear, across his cheeks and by the edge of his jaw. He runs the back of his finger across Winnie’s sleep-warm cheeks and sighs, the weight of the world finally off his shoulder.
Louis' a pediatrician, Harry's a preschooler teacher, and they're having a baby.
Weigh Us Down (We're In Love) by orphan_account
Harry’s eyes widen slightly at that. “We’re friends?”
Louis nods eagerly, smiling even wider. “Of course we are! You’re like, my first ever friend here. We just moved in, you see. Did I already tell you about that? Anyway! Maybe you can stay for dinner and I can show you my toys?”
Harry smiles. “You’ll let me play with you?”
Louis nods again, excited. “Of course!” He looks thoughtful for a moment, and then he’s slipping off the couch and crouching in front of Harry. “Oh, and Mum always kisses my wounds after she fixes them up. It makes me feel loads better all the time, so.” He leans forward and puckers his lips, pressing them over the bandage on Harry’s knee.
(harry and louis first meet when they’re eight and ten. this is their story throughout the years.)
Breathe by Jade_eyed
Can you write a Larry high school AU where Harry's a sophomore and Louis' his senior boyfriend and Harry's being bullied during class and has a panic attack and all he's saying is 'Louis' so someone goes into louis' classroom and gets him and louis' like freaking out when he finds out and just really fluffy and stuff i just need this okay
[ I changed it a bit , I'm sorry babe I tried. :( ]
Cause If You Let Me, Here's What I'll Do by stylesforstiles
Five times where Harry is Louis' baby
Zero Means Nothing When I'm With You by StripedAndBowtied
Louis doesn't know what he's looking for until he finds it.
Harry just knows he may defy his gender norms, with his height and clumsiness, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want litters of pups running around while he does domestic things all day long.
In other words, boy meets boy and no one can stop pining.
All my senses come to life by erikaeurekajoe
And it was true. Harry's senses were all coming to life, on overdrive in fact because a handsome blue-eyed stranger was holding his hands.
Because of Louis Tomlinson's Arse by AggressiveStress
One in which Harry is a clumsy Uni student that first sees Louis leaning over, picking up his things with his arse very prominent. Harry then falls down the stairs and Louis- wearing a nice little beanie- helps him back to his feet.
In All Its Imperfections by BriaMaria
From: Louis Tomlinson To: Undisclosed Recipients
Hello!
I’ve asked the front desk and you lovely folks are the ones who are on the same level as me in the car park. I found a to-do list today that looked somewhat important because it has lines of poetry scribbled at the bottom that seemed like they might be for a card project. The stationary has a moose in a canoe at the top of it (and he is quite adorable). Let me know if it’s yours!
Cheers!
“Oh. My. Fucking. God,” Harry whispered, his eyes darting over the sentences again willing them not to make sense. They did, they did make sense. “Oh. My. Bloody. Fucking. God.”
The next thing he knew he was on the floor, staring at the ceiling, with a very concerned Liam hovering over his head.
"What happened, mate?" Liam asked.
Harry just pointed to his computer.
Liam bent over Harry’s desk to read the email. “What? This isn’t bad. Is that your to-do list? Did you finally come up with the inside text for those cards?”
“Leeyum" he groaned. “It’s what’s on the list.”
“Oh,” Liam paused for a beat. “Is it dirty stuff?”
Harry nodded.
There was more silence. And then, “Dirty stuff with Louis?”
Delirious in Love by yourpricelessadvice (orphan_account)
Louis is there for Harry waking up from minor surgery; he wouldn't miss it for the world. For two reasons.
Stars Will Align For Us by 2tiedships2
"The serial monogamist is single," Niall said by way of introduction when he sat down across from Harry in the canteen.
Harry sipped his chocolate milk. "What are you going on about?"
"Your alpha dream boat," Niall said. "That tiny little footie player? I heard from Hannah that he's broken it off with his boyfriend so he’s single and ready to flamingle. Now's the time to make your move."
Harry sipped his chocolate milk harder to keep himself from replying.
Or the one where Harry is an omega at a loss of how to get past his pining and gain the attention of Louis...especially considering the alpha is always in a relationship.
(twenty minutes later) wound up in the hospital by callmelover
“Baby, I think a quick trip to A&E might do you some good, hm?” Louis keeps his voice as calm as possible. He doesn't want to startle Harry or make him scared, but he knows that Harry’s fever is too high and he can't risk Harry choking himself into another attack when he's so poorly.
He hears a sharp intake of breath come for Harry and he knows Harry is starting to panic. Louis moves his hand from Harry's hair to his back, rubbing circles into his sweat-soaked shirt.
“No, no. Shh, don't worry, darling. Everything is okay, you’ll be okay. I just know that the doctors will be able to make you feel much better much sooner than I can...Just want you to get healthy as soon as possible, okay?”
-
or the one where harry has the flu and louis is a protective, nervous-wreck of a boyfriend
You live in my heart by styleztomlinson
As soon as they’re done with their set, Louis only has one thing on his mind and that’s to get out of there as soon as possible.or,Harry is sick during their performance at the iHeartRadio festival. Afterwards, Louis takes cares of his baby, and dotes on his husband.
Take Care by secretlylarry
Louis really does love to take care of Harry when he's sick.
if we got nothing, we got us by tumsa
Harry is Louis' baby and he's sick as well.
Peppermint and Lavender (and Coffee) by 2tiedships2
“He was there again,” Louis announced by way of greeting. “Lottie was right and she can never know.”
"What the fuck are you talking about?” Niall asked as he snapped his laptop closed.
“The omega, Niall. He was there today. Just sitting in the corner looking pretty. Or at least his back is. He hasn’t turned around when I’m available to see. I know he’s beautiful though.”
"Okay?” Niall questioned. “What does that have to do with Lottie?”
Louis let out a huff. "She told me I shouldn’t work at a coffee shop. She was right.”
Or the one where Louis might have met the love of his life in a coffee shop. But that’s not how it’s supposed to happen.
So Long I've Been Waiting by kikikryslee
Niall held up his glass in a toast. “Cheers.” Harry stared at Louis as he brought the glass up to his lips, unsure of what to do. It wasn’t like he could refuse the drink, but he certainly didn’t want to have any champagne. Louis monitored everyone else, and as soon as they all had their heads tilted back, drinking their mimosa, he reached out and knocked Harry’s glass right out of his hand, sending it crashing to the floor. “Oh, no!” Louis pretended to be shocked at what had just happened. “Harry, you’re so clumsy. You dropped your glass.” “Yes,” Harry said seriously. “I am very clumsy.” --- Or, the one where Harry and Louis are having their first baby, and keeping it a secret until the end of the first trimester is a lot harder than they thought it would be.
Nothing's Gonna Stop Me But Divine Intervention by kikikryslee
“So… what’s next on the soul mate search?” Louis asked. “I don’t know,” Harry answered. “Whatever I’m doing isn’t working. I’m not finding him anywhere.” “He’ll get here. I know it." “Yeah. I know he’s out there somewhere; I just have to figure out where.” --- Or, the soul mate AU where Harry overthinks everything having to do with finding the love of his life, and Louis doesn't think there's a Mr. Right for him at all. It takes them a while to realize that their soul mate is the person they want it to be: each other.
We Made These Memories for Ourselves by supernope
Breath held, Harry squints his eyes open and focuses on the first stick. A blue line. Harry breathes out an unsteady breath. He’s pretty sure he read that one blue line is a negative, but he fishes the box from the bottom of the pile just to make sure.
“Negative,” he confirms, voice echoing around the small room. “Next.”
Now that he’s feeling a little less shaky, he scans the rest of the tests at once, is met with a headache-inducing mixture of pink plus signs and blue double lines. His heart rate picks up until it’s pounding triple-time in the base of his throat and the pit of his stomach, thundering in his ears and throbbing in his temples. He flips over the rest of the boxes slowly, but he knows what they’re going to say before he even looks.
[or, Louis is a footballer, Harry owns a bakery, and they're having a baby.]
taken by the wind by scrunchyharry
When he decided to move to London with his sister, Harry thought he would finally get to learn how to control his magic. He couldn't possibly have predicted that he would fall for her neighbour.
Or the one where Harry is a clumsy witch and Louis is making everything worse just by existing.
Piece by Piece by SadaVeniren
He rubbed his hand over his lower stomach and closed his eyes. Louis was going to lose his fucking mind.
(aka Harry tells Louis he's pregnant and it goes as expected)
And We Linger On by stylesforstiles
Harry is pouting. Louis takes care of him
There's a Hole In My Soul, Can You Fill It? by stylesforstiles
Sometimes Harry is so tired. Louis always wants to fix it.
one glance and the avalanche drops by Wankerville
It's strange, honestly, having someone so gorgeous in his kitchen, and not only physically gorgeous, but, like, the everything else gorgeous. The type of gorgeous that Louis wants his life to always be covered in. The type of gorgeous he wants lying in sweatpants and an old t-shirt on his couch when he gets home from class. The type of gorgeous he wants to have shoving crisps down the front of his shirt. The type of goddamn gorgeous he wants to kiss, and coddle, and like, love.
Which is ridiculous- he doesn't know him. Pfft.
(or an au wherein louis buys a christmas tree and harry is the boy in leggings who delivers it. they are a christmas classic.)
Do Not Falter (There's a Star Ahead) by LadyLondonderry
It's Christmas Eve, and every single one of Louis' family members are crowded inside his little flat. Really, what more could he ask for on his birthday?
The present he never knew he wanted - in the form of an omega from his past - might just make this his most memorable Christmas.
Right Here Waiting by lovelarry10
Louis and Harry are expecting a baby. Harry's heavily pregnant and nesting madly, determined to make their home ready for their baby.
Blow Out the Candles, Baby by iwillpaintasongforlou
Louis' been planning Harry's 20th birthday party for weeks, and Harry's too sick to move. Louis might be the kind of sap who tries to nurse him back to health with cuddles and jokes and cupcakes for two.
Never Let You Fall by iwillpaintasongforlou
Harry slips on stage and gets a minor concussion, and Louis insists that he spend the night in the hospital just in case. He then turns into a protective baby lion because that is his Harry and he'll be damned if anything happens to him on Louis' watch. Harry rolls his eyes a lot but doesn't really mind.
Asthma and Bad Jokes by Larry_Klaine_Stylinson
When Harry has an asthma attack on stage, Louis has to go and help him. He leaves Niall in charge of keeping the audience entertained.
All I Need is Oxygen (and You) by lululawrence
There are only two ways to navigate Bloomfield High School: become popular or make yourself invisible.
With the help of his best mate Niall, Harry’s introduction to high school hadn’t been half bad. Despite being a “bandie” – the lowest of the low in the ancient hierarchy of high school –Harry had somehow managed to survive freshman year relatively unscathed. So naturally, Harry would have been perfectly happy to resume his position of invisible trombone player number four for the remainder of high school. But one day something drastic happened, something that would change the course of Harry’s entire existence (probably).
It was the last football game of his freshman year, and the band was back in the stands after performing a rousing rendition of Bloomfield’s alma mater during half time. Harry was gracelessly wiping the slobber from the mouthpiece of his trombone when he saw him.
Louis Tomlinson.
Or...a High School AU where Harry is a bandie and Louis is the epitome of cool, so naturally, Harry must find a way to get his attention and win his affections.
i’d burn this city down to show you the light by you_explode
Harry's a sheltered rich kid and Louis's a punk with a heart of gold. They meet when Louis breaks into Harry's house, Harry obtains an instant and all-encompassing crush, and they spend the summer falling into a whirlwind romance.
put your head on my shoulder by wayfared
Niall gives Harry until the end of marching season to either a) make a move on Louis Tomlinson or b) get the fuck over him. Either is easier said than done. Basically, your High School AU with a drum beat.
we should get jerseys, 'cause we make a good team by ellisaco
Harry's not very good at football, but he's aces at cheering Louis on.
Snow by hlftanna
Louis hid something from him. Harry was 100% sure of that. He knew him better than he knew himself. And. He. Hid. Something. From. Him. Harry just hasn't figured out what. Because if Louis wanted to hide something from anyone he usually succeeded because he was Louis Tomlinson.
Use Your Words by zedi
based off this prompt: collage au where jock!harry always serenades flowercrown!louis with love songs in their music class. what nobody knows is that harry actually kinda means the words he sings.
But instead it's Louis as the jock and Harry as the flowerchild because I do what I want.
see the truth (it's me for you) by orphan_account
If you asked Louis the first day of his French Literature class what he’d be doing on the last, he’d probably never have guessed it would involve helping a poorly Harry Styles study for the final exam. Good thing he’s not a betting man.
(Or the one where Louis and Harry spend an entire semester ignoring each other after a one-night stand, only to come face to face when Harry manages to catch the stomach flu during finals week. Sometimes fate is funny like that.)
calling out for somebody to hold tonight by heartinsidemine
“Dunno why I can’t sleep,” is the first thing Harry says into the still, quiet night.
“New flat, new noises,” Louis murmurs, finally setting the kettle on the stove and turning properly toward him. “New responsibilities, too, eh? Second year, you’re working your way up in the world.”
Harry rolls his eyes, shaking his head. “Nothing’s really new, though, is it? I mean, the location, but… I’ve got the same job I had last year, same basic courses, same workload…” He sighs out, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“You and me are in the same boat, though,” Louis murmurs to him. He hates seeing Harry like this, even though rationally he knows that he can’t do anything about Harry’s insomnia. “Finding it difficult to sleep myself. Was gonna turn on the telly, maybe the cooking channel until I fall asleep. Care to join me?”
He doesn’t think twice about the offer before making it; it only makes sense. They’re both exhausted and they both sleep better with a cuddle, and anyway Louis would absolutely rather have a conversation partner than only the walls of his room for company.
Running Down To The Riptide by sweaterpawstyles
"I can't give you your present yet, Lou."
Louis furrowed his brows. "And why is that, my love?"
Harry smiled at his lap. "Because your present is under my sweater," he pulled his free hand that wasn't laced with Louis' and gently laid it on his stomach. "I'm pregnant."
Or
It's New Year's Eve and Harry has a surprise under his sweater
Song For The Springtime by sunshiner
“Cherry blossoms,” Harry mumbles. “The solution’s cherry blossoms.”
Uni AU.
the happiest place in our universe by tippytoetomlinstyles
Harry holds Louis’ hand and looks around at all the exciting and beautiful things and Louis looks at him because he finds him the most beautiful and exciting thing there is.
or the one where Louis takes Harry to Disneyland and Harry convinces Louis to wear Mickey Mouse ears to match his Minnie Mouse ears.
Made From Love by lovelarry10
It's almost Christmas, and amongst the preparations, Louis' realised something about his husband Harry.
Harry, however, seems to be oblivious.
Louis' determined to open Harry's eyes and make him realise the real magic that's happening this Christmas...
Another Constellation to Trace by screwstyles
Louis wiggles his eyebrows. “I’m winning that bet.”
“What bet?” comes Niall’s excited voice from behind them, followed by footsteps. “I wanna be in on the bet!” he shouts, prompting Harry to quickly roll down his shirt sleeve and straighten his shirt where it’s still crinkly after Louis’ hands.
Niall takes one look at them and purses his lips in a tight line. “Were you guys making out again? Isn’t the fire meant to die down a bit after eight years?”
“Trust me, the fire is still very much alive,” Louis winks at Harry. “One could even say it’s cooking something.”
-
Mpreg AU: Louis and Harry bet on who can keep Harry's pregnancy a secret for longer. Neither of them is particularly good at it, and it doesn't help that their soulmate tattoos make it even harder.
another pair of feet by honey_beeing
where Harry is pregnant and Louis is an oblivious idiot.
We Were Made to Love by supernope  
“Everything all sorted? Need help with the buckles? I know they’re a bit tricky in this compartment.”
The voice startles Louis out of his daze, and he turns toward the voice to let him know he figured it out. When he catches sight of the owner of the voice, though, his response dies in his throat. Whatever he had imagined the conductor of a children’s train that rides around the shopping centre in Leeds would look like, this is certainly not it.
Leaning through the window, arms folded across the sill, is a green-eyed angel with cherry red lips stretched wide in a smile and dimples flirting in his cheeks. A black conductor’s hat is the only confirmation that this is not some gorgeous stranger who’s come to flirt with Louis through the window of a children’s train, but is just a man doing his job.
[or, Harry drives a kiddie train in the shopping centre for the summer and is obsessed with babies, and Louis never stood a chance.]
here comes the sun by orphan_account
“Everything’s going to be fine,” Louis promises, his pink, chapped lips moving slowly in the cold. It matches the beanie on his head—pink, because they found out this morning that they’re having a girl and that’s just.
Harry’s going to be a dad. To a little girl. Five months from now he’ll be holding her in his arms, and she’ll be so lovely and small.
They’re going to have a spring baby and she’s probably going to have Louis’ eyes. What a blessing that would be. Harry crosses his fingers on the hand inside his pocket, hoping that she does. He’ll love her either way—blue or green or even brown eyes, it doesn’t matter—but he’d really like them to be blue, he thinks.
[Harry is a pediatric specialist, Louis is a neurosurgeon. All they want is a baby.]
So Put Your Hands In (The Holes of My Sweater) by Kat_rawr
“Are you gonna kiss me then?” He asks so quiet he isn’t even sure Louis heard him.
“I think it’s bad luck if I don’t.“ Louis’ breath is hot on Harry’s skin in the cold air. They stand in the dark; Louis’ face only lit up by the yellow-ish light from the street light a few metres away. The light over the door of their building hasn’t worked in years.
“Okay,” Harry says, and of course his cheeks heat up. There are definitely butterflies in stomach and his mouth is definitely dry.
or,
Harry and Louis go on a lot of not-dates
A Little Kind of Magic by Star55
A tiny tale of Louis' Very Important Birthday and Christmas at Hogwarts that Harry loves celebrating with his best friend whom he absolutely is not in love with. No matter what Niall says. (He's a little in love with Louis.)
it tastes like you, only sweeter by EmmyLouWho
Sometimes Harry hates being a second year, like when all his older friends get to go to Hogsmeade and he has to stay behind in the castle. Luckily, Harry has a Louis to make everything better.
For the prompt: “I’m not allowed to go to Hogsmeade but you always tell me stories about it and bring me candy from Honeydukes”
Sun-Dappled by QuickedWeen
Louis and his best friend Harry are in their seventh year at Hogwarts, facing down their future together. Louis has been in love with his best friend for as long as he can remember, and he begins to feel a sense of urgency as the second semester begins. Finally he hatches a plan to tell Harry about his feelings on Harry's birthday.
Sweet Like Sunshine by orphan_account
When Louis saves him from some seventh years bullying him on his lack of Quidditch skills, Harry takes offense. Louis offers to teach him to make up for it. They fall in love somewhere along the way.
Featuring one exasperated Niall, trips to Hogsmede and many flying sessions.
Follow Me Down This Time by supernope
Harry first noticed Louis in his second term at Hogwarts, and despite three years of inventing ways to stumble across Louis, he's never managed to actually work up the courage to speak to him. Also known as, self-indulgent Hogwarts AU, because every fandom needs Hogwarts AUs.
For Reasons Wretched and Divine by panicmoonwalk
Niall’s head was sitting in the fireplace, wide grin lighting up his features as flames licked the bright tips of his hair. Louis promptly dropped his tray at the sight.
“Bloody hell!” He yelled, half at the sudden appearance of Niall in the fire and half at the scalding cocoa he’d just dropped on his bare foot. “What are you doing?!”
Niall just continued to grin, clearly highly amused by Louis hopping on one foot and desperately trying to search for a weapon he could use to beat his friend’s head out of the fireplace.
“Well,” Niall began. “We’re going on an adventure!”
Or, the one where Louis and Harry’s Christmas holiday at Hogwarts is rudely interrupted when they’re dragged off on a tropical wizard’s vacation, featuring some angry centaurs, a spell gone wrong, and the ‘weirdest birthday anyone’s ever had. Ever’.
Loving with a Little Twist by hrrytomlinson
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know Niall! I just promised my mother I’m bringing my boyfriend - a boyfriend I don’t have - to Thanksgiving dinner. What should I do? I can’t call back and be like, ‘Oh yeah mom, that boyfriend I said that I have, I don’t actually have. Sorry to disappoint you.’ My life is ruined.” Harry returns to suffocating himself with the pillow.
Niall laughs and Harry growls at his best friend’s unwarranted happiness in this life-ending situation. Harry is fucked. Fuck. He needs a boyfriend. Fuck.
(or a thanksgiving themed fake/pretend relationship au)
everywhere (i wanna be with you) by itiswhatitisbutterfly
Harry and Louis meet because they have terrible friends, they fall in love because something feels right in a world of uncertainty and shifting grounds. Louis is an actor and Harry is a model at the top of his game, the best things in life are the most unexpected ones and the things that hit you when you are least expecting it.
Featuring winter in London, nights in Paris, early mornings in New York, burning heat in Monte Carlo and an enduring love spent transcending four corners of the globe.
on a wednesday, in a cafe by wreckedboyfriends
“What can I get for you today?” he asked without looking up, arranging the last of the pastries.
“Have any recommendations? Never been here before, actually.” Harry hit his head on the top of the case in his haste to look at the source of the voice. It was a really beautiful voice, small and high and just lovely, if a voice could be lovely. Harry thought so. “Alright, mate?” the man asked when Harry finally composed himself, rubbing the top of his head as he took his place at the register.
Harry opened his eyes, and fuck. If Harry had thought his voice was lovely, the man himself was on a whole other level. “Alright, mate?” He repeated and shit. Harry had been openly staring for quite awhile, hadn’t he?
“Yeah,” Harry replied, and it came out sounding like a semi trailer running over gravel. He cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he repeated. “Um, the cherry danish is quite good, I think. ’S my favorite.”
The man smiled. “One cherry danish it is, then.”
OR Harry’s spent the last year with six locks on his door, a pair of too-flamboyant boots buried in the back of his closet, and insecurity issues the size of a mammoth. Louis changes some of that, but Harry changes the most.
I Long For You by AnotherAnonymousWriter
Thirty minutes later, he's sat on a bench in Hyde Park with a book in his lap and a travel mug with hot tea in his hand. Not far from where he's sat, a group of boys are playing football and a bunch of children are chasing each other. Life is good.
Or at least, life is good until he hears a familiar “LOOK OUT!” and sees a football flying in the direction of his face.
And then everything is black.
(Harry gets hit in the head by various objects and falls for a boy with blue eyes.)
Let It Snow by thebrainisafunnyplace
Bakery owner Harry Styles is always cold, until he hires local university student, Louis Tomlinson to work as a cashier. When the storm of the year hits, the boys find themselves stuck together inside the bakery the night before Christmas Eve. Luckily, they have each other to keep warm.
everything i can arrange, every part of me you change by orphan_account
“Don’t you try that shit with me,” Niall spits the second he reaches Louis, pulling off the hood with force. “What the hell is this?” He plops down next to Louis on the empty bleacher and unceremoniously pushes a sheet of crumpled paper in his face.
Netflix and Chill Buddy Application
It’s like no matter how hard Louis tries, he can’t seem to run away from this stupid fucking flyer. All the girls (and some of the boys) in every one of his classes have been talking about it all week. It’s on every wall of every building on campus. Louis went for a jog last night and he nearly tripped and died over a loose one on the football track.
[Harry needs a big spoon and Louis refuses to let anyone steal his position. Based on this post.]
No words by becharlatan
Harry is a music student who never talks because he's a total introvert. Louis happens to bump into him by accident and as if like the constellations, the two have aligned their paths together despite their differences.
Sun Emoji Moon Emoji by mybeanieandme
For the prompt:
University!au: Harry works at a cafe as the busboy and Louis just really wants to get to know him. (Louis pines for an insecure Harry for a semester)
nonstop earthquake dreams of you by lumineres
And there's heat behind it, blazing, plasmatic, like stars crashing together, like an explosion in space, like a supernova, like a black hole--everything else sucked out of existence. There's no bed and there's no pillow and they're not lying down, just floating somewhere, somehow, and there's no room and there's no X Factor house and there's no Niall snuffling or Liam's deep, even breathing and there's no wind or traffic outside and there's no hum of the heating unit and it's all just Louis. All encompassingly Louis.
or, harry falls hard and finds louis already at the bottom
Kiss From A Rose by lovelarry10
Harry is the quiet one in the office no one ever notices. Until Louis does, that is. When notes start appearing on Harry’s desk, he ponders who is behind the kind words, oblivious to Louis’ attempts to get his attention...
Black Cat by lalune15
Inspired by this tumblr post (not asked or requested): fic where louis works at a haunted house jumping out at people and harry’s friends drag him along even though he doesn’t really like haunted houses. when louis jumps out to scare their group, harry freaks out and accidentally jumps into louis’s arms. louis just squeaks. harry ends up sitting there with louis the rest of his shift and totally doesn’t come back every night after that.
Be Mine, For Always by zams
Louis is happy when Harry is happy. That's what Louis wants, and so when Louis starts feeling weird when Harry cuddles with Liam, Zayn, or Niall instead of him, he keeps quiet. But the burning, uncomfortable feeling Louis gets deep in his stomach when he sees Harry contentedly nuzzling Liam's neck, or Harry's arms and legs tangled around Niall like an octopus, or Harry's face smushed in Zayn's stomach as Zayn plays with his hair only gets worse as the days go by.
Loosen Up My Buttons by softfonds
The beautiful man opened this bakery about a year ago. He remembered the exact day he came: a glum, rainy morning in the middle of February, which instantly turned brighter the minute he saw him. The man had come in with some paint buckets and tools, and Louis doubted he would be able to fix up the drab place all by himself. But as he walked down the stairs at the end of the day and saw the man standing there in the middle of a gorgeous pink and white shop, clearly proud of his work, Louis fell in love at first sight. If only he knew how to talk to him.
Usually, Louis knew how to flirt. He prided himself on it. But every time he looked at the beautiful man, he completely forgot how to form sentences, and there was no way he could go up to him only to make a fool of himself. That was the last thing he needed.
Or, Louis owns a tattoo shop called Pretty in Ink, Harry owns a bakery called Rolling Scones, they haven't been introduced, and Valentine’s Day seems like the perfect opportunity to finally talk to the man Louis has been pinning over for the past year. And they both end up with more love than they bargained for.
Coffee Cups and Football Boots by kimtaedumb
Harry’s stood behind the counter again, but this time he’s painting his nails. Louis strolls up to the counter and, thanks to his no brain-to-mouth filter, blurts out, “Isn’t that a little girlish, Haz?” leaning closer to inspect.
Harry lets out a little huff as his hand slips, “Oh, damn, now I’ve messed it up,” he pouts and turns to Louis, “Why should making myself feel pretty be girly?”
Louis holds up his hands in surrender, “’M not judging, jus’ curious is all.”
(The entirely cheesy and cliché Christmas AU, in which Harry doesn’t give a damn what people think about him – mostly – and Louis may be a little bit in love.
Alternatively, the one in which Harry owns a café that’s barely scraping by and Louis is a footballer and he takes Harry away for Christmas.
Featuring Zayn as a cocky little shit that most definitely needs to be put back in his place, Niall as the loveable Irish dude who drinks too much and flirts with Zayn more than the average girl, and Liam who loves everyone but hates them all at the same time.)
you make my whole world feel so right when it's wrong by orphan_account
“Curly?” Louis says, stepping into Harry’s sight. “You okay?” Harry looks up from where he has two things in his hands, a thick winter coat sized for a newborn, and a sweatshirt fitting a grown man such as himself. He looks up at Louis, stricken, and holds them out for him to see. “They’re the same price,” he says. “They’re both forty dollars! Forty dollars for such little material.”
(or, Harry is pregnant and stops at the mall to buy cheap baby clothes. Louis has extra money from working a long shift, and he can't think of a better way to spend it than on him.)
you were the ocean, i was drawn into you by by orphan_account
where harry takes pictures and worries too much and louis plays guitar.
i'll be your sunflower by scagnetism
“What do you think’s gonna stop us now?” Harry says cheekily, laughter in his voice as he looks up at Louis. “Something’s gotta get in our way like always, doesn’t it?”
“Ha,” Louis grins, kissing his cheek and holding open the door for him as they make their way toward the car. “Nothing’s gonna interrupt us this time. ‘S gonna be perfect, just like Pumpkin.”
Or, a few interruptions aren't going to stop Harry from having a perfect pregnancy and having the family he and Louis have always dreamed of.
Send Me Your Pillow (The One That You Dream On) by flowercrownfemme
Harry is embarrassed to realize he's nesting but can't stop stealing Louis' things for his nest.
Short fluffy o/o gaybo drabble with lots of cuddles and softness and sock stealing <3
As one we are everything/We are everything we need by louloubaby92
Harry finally marries the love of his life. He's got the mating mark, he's got Louis' ring on his finger.
And now, he's on his honeymoon. Louis is but a door away, waiting for him.
Honestly, he doesn't understand why he's nervous.
only guilty of loving you by sweetrevenge
After Harry gets set up with his co-worker's alpha friend Louis, he's expecting some pleasant conversation, free dinner, and maybe a new friend. What he doesn't expect, however, is that Louis' arrival in his life begins a life of crime Harry never knew he had in him.
A You've Got Mail!AU with a twist.
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folklorik54 · 3 years
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Life Recap/ 2020-21 School Year Misfortunes
As promised A WHILE ago, I will be recapping what my year was like and why I really needed a brief hiatus without mentioning the hiatus (because after reading enough fan fiction I have come to DREAD that word. it’s a bad word. cursed, really.) If you are under 18 years old you may want to skip out on this one because this is a rant from a public school teacher. More under the cut.
Context: So last year around May I was let go from my job at a movie theatre due to COVID shutting down businesses. I was looking for jobs in my area and my mom had mentioned that the school district was looking for teachers. I went on the website and to my great joy I noticed that there was an application for an art teacher. Considering I graduated with a BFA with a concentration in drawing and painting, I thought this was an act of divine providence. I was WRONG, but I didn’t know that then. I had applied and even gotten the job under the condition that I would also be undergoing certification from an alternative course.
Series of Unfortunate Events:
1.) As soon as I got hired they referend me to an alternate teaching program that will give me access to online classes and mentor teachers (for certification). I had met all of their qualifications and passed test #1: Content Test. I was then told by the district I was working for as well as the alt. program that they highly recommend me finish all of the online courses and test BEFORE school started in August as this year was going to be especially stressful (they at least gave me fair warning. Warning AFTER I had already signed the 10 month contract, but warning still.) I spend the rest of the summer struggling to get through the courses while keeping up with the rapidly growing workload and essays the program wanted. I also had to do a number of things for the district and the school I was going to be working for. A LOT of meetings about protocol and security, etc. 
2.) When I finished all of the meetings and online course classes (I had yet to take the 2nd test) I was finally able to get into my classroom. . . only to find that while they had two art classrooms they were giving me a different classroom that could barely fit 30 seats (I had 34 students in each class) and had no sinks, paints, drying racks, paper, supplies, etc. It turns out the classroom they have given me was used as a detention class the previous year. The principal assured me that the other two art teachers would be more than happy to share supplies with my students (a lie I would find out later). I spent the rest of the summer (I only had 2 weeks left before school started) frantically trying to get my room ready for students. The week before school started I managed to get in contact with the other 2 art teachers only for them to tell me they can’t share their supplies because they had NO supplies to share. We rallied together and asked the principal for supplies (according to the other teachers they have not received art supplies in over 2 years!) and the principal said to ask again later. 
3.) No one told us teachers that we would be spending an ENTIRE week with one class (no alternating) until the day before our students got back. We were to go over safety protocols over-and-over in our rooms with no movies allowed. Needless to say, our kids were NOT happy and bored kids are dangerous kids and all manner of chaos ensues. The administrations stood by their idea that all kids were capable of handling hours of staying still in their seat (also note that over 60% of my kids were registered as ADHD). All of us teachers were scrambling to find a way to make the first week fun and engaging but no amount of engagement is going to make 8 hours of the same class any less grueling for anyone, teachers included. 
4.) Students were given the option to attend in-school lessons or online EVERY 6 WEEKS. I know what you are thinking “It’s good they get a choice!” And I would mostly agree if not for the very real issue of students NOT COMPLETEING ONLINE WORK. So when teachers managed to get their classes to learn more advanced lessons, every 6 weeks a whole host of new kids would swarm in (throwing off the rhythm of already existing classes) and us teachers would have to teach these new kids what the other kids ALREADY KNOW. This takes weeks we could have used to advance our studies because this school was still expected to test. Since I was an art teacher we didn’t have to test (thank God) but I did get all of the behavioral issue kids that other teachers with the rights of refusal didn’t want (I did NOT have right of refusal so I had to keep them in my class). This meant that almost everyday I had kids vandalize school property, throw things at each other and me, get up on tables and scream in other people’s ears, threaten to make up a story to get me fired, etc. Safe, structured and respectful environment? We don’t know her. While I had some pretty amazing kids, it is unfortunate that the class size, and inconsistency of classmates had caused these good students to be overshadowed by the other more rowdier kind. DO NOT get me started on what these kids have tried to do in my class for a TiK Tok challenge! 
5.) Adding to the behavior issue, when I addressed some concerning traits I have noticed I was largely brushed off by my supervisor and principal “kids are just like that.” It got SO bad that the Disciplinary Director for the district had to come into my room and even she said the behavior was out of control. The principals had directed me to call parents (which I have already BEEN doing) and I came to find out that many of the parents of the behavioral kids do not care, hence a reoccurring problem. Maybe this isn’t the right age group for me but I refused to allow the more respectful students who DID like art to suffer so I kept trying a variety of different tactics I had researched and asked for other teacher’s advice to hopefully get the situation under control. It improved but not to a significant degree.
6.) In November someone I lived with caught COVID and thus we all were quarantined. I was super relieved at first because everyday I felt an uncontrollable dread going to work because it seemed no one wanted to listen to what I had to say or respected what I did. The relief died out when I realized that if my kids were hardly working when I was there, they DEFINITELY were not working when I wasn’t there. Even when I was gone I had to remotely prepare them lesson plans, answer questions and interact with all of my students as well as their parents. Of course, while I was gone the more rambunctious students began to target the more reserved ones and when I came back from isolation (weeks later) all the work I put into getting the classes more manageable went down the drain. I walked into a class of absolute terror and the loud and fight-y students believed they were on the very top of the food chain. So I spent the rest of school time trying to stop them from hurting each other and had detentions/ parent-teacher conferences EVERY WEEK to get the behavior to quiet down. Eventually with the help of a police officer on campus I managed to teach again. 
7.) While all of this was going on I hadn’t had time to reschedule my test #2 and so I scheduled it during the spring semester but then, the state of Texas decided to participate in apocalypse bingo. First, there was a crisis involving polluted water and it shut down the whole district. Then Texas got a winter storm that it couldn’t handle and that shut down the school as well. Guys, there was no water and no electricity- it was ridiculous. Because of this winter storm the pipes in my house burst and flooded EVERYTHING in the house and seeped into the walls. It was SO BAD that we had to get a contractor to basically fix everything in the house (the floors, we got brand new furniture, electrical wiring, etc.). Since there was so MANY people who had this problem too, we were put on a waiting list to get seen and when we finally did get seen they blasted through our house without warning. That is to say, they had removed all of the old tile while we were all at work and when we came home our whole house was COVERED in concrete dust (the people who built our house used concrete instead of Mortar cause it was cheaper I guess?). We had to stay the night in our house breathing in all that dust and I’ve never had asthma but I woke up feeling half-drowned and my voice sounded like I’ve been smoking for 30 years. . . I’m 25. So for the last 3 months of being a teacher, my family and I had to live in a hotel while our house got repaired. 
8.) My test also had to be rescheduled for the last possible day of the contracted time which means that if I fail then all this was for nothing and I don’t get certified (because I would not have time reschedule a re-test and still get the results before the contracted date.) Also during this time I had went blind in one eye for about 30 minutes one night. I went to see an eye doctor and turns out I’m not going blind it’s what is called a “rolling migraine” and basically I’m so stressed out that my left eye decided to quit on me. The doctor told me not to worry but be warned cause if I don’t get my stress under control it could happen again. Honestly, I already have horrible ulcer problems that keep reoccurring throughout my life and now blindness? Is stress the Devil? It that the true Nemesis? The major Plague on society? Why couldn’t I have been born with Taoist programming? Damn everything at this point. 
10.) By some miracle (or maybe the world just didn’t want to end me and stop the fun) I had managed to make it to the end of the school year, passed my test #2, got certified and turned in my notice. I had decided to take a year off from school and travel some. I had managed to do everything they asked of me, I had said good-bye to all of my students (feeling especially sad about the ones who tried to keep me sane throughout the year) and had completed the school’s checklist. I had only to drive an hour away to my grandmother’s house with my niece because we were being kicked out of the hotel, and our house wasn’t done yet (still isn’t done yet as I am typing this.) I managed to pull into the small town and had stopped at a red light waiting for it to turn green when a red car rammed into the back of my car. Evidently the driver was distracted with her kids and thought the light was green (it wasn’t). So all my plans to travel had been put on hold while my car is in the shop being repaired which could take several weeks because the repair shops have been having trouble getting parts due to COVID. 
11.) That brings us up to today, and my house is still being repaired because the guy we have contracted keeps messing up on the build and he is by himself because all of the people who worked for him refused to come back after getting unemployment I guess? Anyway he has been working on this house for about 5 months now and he keeps taking days off (to help his family move things), coming in late to start repairs, messing up and restarting repairs, breaking materials that we paid for, and lying to us about material whereabouts. Why do we keep working with him then? Well because we looked everywhere else and there is several months waiting list to have our house done! (Again, everyone is in the same boat of needing their house fixed and not a lot of people or time to do it in.) Hopefully soon I will have everything put together. 
Thank you for understanding, I just needed to get this vent off of my chest because it has hurt to not be doing some of the things I like to do. It was hard to stay on top of lesson plans, grades, behavioral improvement strategies, etc. I had no time to do the things I loved like draw, paint, write. Thant being said Chapter 8 is in progress.  
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disastrousjest · 3 years
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Confessions of 2020..
(tw: covid mention, mental health mention)
I wanted to post a little something that might put out some insight for my followers, friends, mutuals alike. With the recent battle I had with some personal blogs attacking me over some posts I made because of the images, regardless of the purpose of the post. I just wanted to let everyone aware of why that sent me over the edge and why I handled it the way I did. Please note: I will not be apologizing for what I said, I do feel as though those that tried to reach out to me did not realize the purpose of the post. And while I understand now I should just tag things like that differently, I will not be apologizing for stating the fact that this is a rp  blog and I do not appreciate personal blogs attacking me over something like that. That being said, I will not be bullied off tumblr or this account. Because I love JJBA and Joseph Joestar. So for future reference, if you don’t like my content, unfollow it. Don’t bother sending me nasty remarks because I do not have the time for those types of things.  But I wanted to open the doorway to some insight for you all who have been paying attention or who just might care to know why I came off so incredibly outraged by that little bit. Because to me it was just the topping of a whole bunch of bullshit as is 2020.  This whole shithole of a year began in March. I got promoted at work to salary. That’s 35k a year my friends and that’s a hell of an upgrade for someone who barely makes a living wage right now and came from a working poor family. I really thought my life was gonna turn around. For once my fiance and I wouldn’t have to struggle so hard and we could afford to do everything we talked about doing. Well guess what--2 weeks after the announcement of my promotion my work place shut down because of Covid-19. Nothing new, lots of people and places were shut down. So fine, it pushed back my transfer and such. That wasn’t a big deal.  Enter June 2020. We re-open and my manager calls me into his office to talk to him about said mentioned promotion. They are suspending it, means it could be pushed back until we could lift the restrictions. Understandably so, I would just have to keep my old position, an hourly one, until they were called back. Now the months pass, June becomes July and enter August.  I find out about a week before the company announces it at the start of August, the position I was promoted to has been eliminated indefinitely. There is a chance they could come back, but right now they have no idea when or if that’ll happen. Which means that whole part of my department no longer exists at my place of work. I mean it’s a good thing I had my hourly position to fall back into or I’d lost my job. But that salary raise? Gone. 
Rewind back to July. I get very very VERY sick. And have to test for covid-19 the first time. Only because I am so sick and have a roommate with asthma I have to quarantine myself for 14 days. So 14 days I am locked in my bedroom alone, sleeping alone after 3 years of being with someone in bed. My meals are being left at the door for me and the only room I am allowed to enter is the bathroom, but only after it has been sanitized. Only for my results to come back negative. And now... we enter September 2020. Two major things started in September. The first, our old, senior dog became very ill. Started losing weight, wasn’t eating, losing hair, etc. So we knew his time was coming soon enough. Mid-September, I wake up one morning while our dog is dying mind you, and I cannot move my body from the waist down. Every time I tried, I’m greeted with a shot of pain straight up my spine that feels something like a hot poker being stabbed right through my spinal cord. Very very painful. I end up bed-ridden for a day or two because I cannot move. So once the pain subsides, I go see a chiropractor. Shocking (not really) announcement that my sway back--to which I was diagnosed with 10 years prior from a bad car accident--has gotten worse. What does  that mean exactly? Well--my spine bends in like a S for those who don’t know, which means my lower back dips inward deeper inside my body and my tail bone curves out. Now along that dip there are 3 or 4 vertebrae that are especially messed up. The bones have become staggered out of place on top of one another, just from the muscles pulling the bones out of shape since my spine doesn’t flex the way it’s supposed to anymore. (And it hasn’t for years). The pain before this was tolerable, it would ache from time to time but never like this. Now I am crippled more or less.  Here’s what that means: my mobility became extremely limited. At first in the am when I woke up I couldn’t move from the waist down for the first hour or two after I woke up. Then when I was finally able to move, I had to use my forearms to literally drag my lower body upright (still painful). Once I was able to manage that, I had to gage how strong my legs were to support my weight. And at first walking wasn’t terrible, but as the treatments began--doctor appointments, spinal adjustments, and physical therapy--to correct my spinal issue, nerve damage became clear. So now on top of this horrible pain, I had to deal with weak legs. Because of nerve damage, my right leg especially became weak. On days my back would hurt especially bad, my right knee would collapse out from under me. Which meant falling to the ground and not being able to stand up or walk for sometime there after.  Now imagine dealing with not being able to support your own body, not being able to hardly walk and your dog dying at the same time. So while I”m trying not to focus on the fact that my mobility is limiting me on what I can and can’t do, my fiance is upset about this. Our dog (then weighed about 100 or more pounds) could no longer walk either. His back legs and hips were giving out as his health declined. I did not have the strength in my own legs to help carry him because his weight hurt me too much and would cause me to collapse. I had to watch my fiance struggle with this practically all by herself while I sat on the floor, only able to use my arms to help with what I could because my legs and back were too weak to do the work.  This carried on into October. Our dog passes away and that alone is hard for me. I still kind of wonder if I wasn’t so weak when he got sick if I could have helped prolong his life just a little longer. I couldn’t hardly look at him when he passed and I couldn’t look at anyone else. I was very angry that my legs and back had failed me. They had failed everyone. So yes, that weight still lingers over me. It was so bad that when it came time to take turns digging his grave, I struggled with the shovel. Because I couldn’t stand up or be bent over to move the dirt, I got on my hands and knees and I took that shovel in my hands and used my arms and shoulders to dig. I wasn’t going to continue to be useless because of my limited mobility. I felt I already let him down and everyone else by not being able to help take care of him while he was still alive and sick. This was the least I could do.  November comes. Things are calm now, for a while. Not bad. I finally get some braces to help with my back issues (which still continue). I keep on with my physical therapy, trying to heal and help my fiance through her mourning over the dog. My mobility slowly begins to improve, though the doctor informs me it will be a very slow process. Small steps he says. But he is still confident he can fix my spine without back surgery so I can walk again, like a regular person. The limit I am able to stand and walk increases with the help of my braces and I begin taking herbal supplements and drinking herbal teas to increase the rate of my recovery. It seems to be working better than over the counter medication. The rest of 2020 seems promising.  Here comes December. On the night my fiance and I decide to go out on a date to celebrate our 5 years together. I get a phone call from work. One of my co-workers tested positive for Covid-19 and I was exposed. I am now suspended from work without pay until my test results come back negative. A real mood killer for the night. It gets better, we get home and despite the dinner being pretty somber the rest of the night seems fine. We watch movies and spend time together, finish wrapping gifts for Christmas. Then we realize the cat is missing. He’s been missing all day and all night. Nobody has seen him.  Two days prior, I had taken my cat to the vet because he was sick. Again, weight loss, losing hair, etc. I was worried he may be sick. Well it’s cold outside and here it’s been snowing so it’s very cold. I set something of mine outside and a literbox for smell. And then a plate of food. ....that was almost 4 days ago. There’s been not a sign of him. I called the county shelter and they didn’t have him. My fiance suggests he was sick so... maybe he got out of the house and went somewhere to die. My gut tells me he’s not coming back. And my heart is breaking, again. Again. I am wondering if I did something wrong. If I would have kept a better eye on him, I knew he wasn’t  feeling right. I somehow feel like I let him down.  And  then I logged into tumblr and saw those comments. Those asks people were sending about the damn images I posted for the 12 days to Christmas. And they just kept coming. I deleted the other ones, I stopped replying to them and finally just deleted the post. The Christmas spirit had been sucked out of me. I feel as though the world has began to mock me for believing the year could get better back in November. I know one thing, the holiday won’t be as bright this year. Not for me. I hope everyone stays safe and has a good holiday. Maybe 2021 will be more promising, but I”m not banking on it. Not anymore. Thanks for reading.  I hope you all understand now why I have been so slow with my replies lately. As my mood goes up and down because I have been struggling with the weight of all this and depression, just trying to hang on from losing hope that for one I will be able to walk again normally and then just the loss of my animals... everything. I can’t write and I refuse to send bad quality responses and starters for you all. I hope this puts some insight  on why I was so horribly upset the other day.   So thank you to all my friends and everyone who has been so patient with me on all my blogs. Jotaro (dmgdstar) and Johnny (rotatingstar) and this one of course. I will be catching up to everything very soon. I’ve already made a good dent in them.  Your patience is always appreciated. 
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nisaadventures · 3 years
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Can’t Control Chaos
Sometimes, when life has thrown SO MUCH at you, when you feel battered and broken... sometimes all that is left are hope, love, and determination... or at least that is all I have left.
I don’t want to start the year off on a “bad note,” but this holiday season has been cruel... there’s a C word for you... Yes, of course there were good moments and I have so much to be thankful for... but the season has been cruel none the less.
I honestly have been avoiding really processing what is happening... denial of course... fear of jinxing it, hope, luck, a miracle... whatever you’d like to call it.
I think I also have just been tired... too tired to really answer when someone asks, “How are you?” Because really? I’m not so okay... I haven’t been for a long time...
***So some background***
In early 2020, my godmother, Josie (Mama Jo), had started complaining of groin pain. I advised her to consult her doctor to get it checked out. Based on what she told me and my previous knowledge in women’s health, I thought it might be an ovarian cyst. These are quite common and can cause discomfort similar to what she described. Her doctor’s first diagnosis was possible muscle strain... prescribed her some medication, rest, and sent her home...
The pain persisted and worsened over the coming weeks, so I told her to advocate for herself and have her doctor investigate further... The issues with the American healthcare system.... But lets not get into that right now...
By this time, March 2020, the COVID pandemic was hitting California and we were forced into shelter in place.
Her doctor finally ordered some tests and found an extremely large mass, about 20cm in diameter... She was immediately scheduled for surgery. You can kind of see where this is going... In surgery they removed the mass with some difficulty and we were informed...
... the big C... not COVID... Cancer...
No one could be with her in the hospital after her surgery, we couldn’t visit when she had to stay extra days to recover... but we could speak to her and see her posting on facebook. She was doing okay and surgery was “successful.”
Ovarian cancer is in the top 5 cancer deaths among women and accounts for more deaths than any other female reproductive cancer... Now the reason for this is usually because there are little to no symptoms and when it is diagnosed, it is usually a late stage... In a way, we were blessed Mama Jo was experiencing pain. Her cancer was discovered at stage IIA, meaning she had some spread within her reproductive system, but none to neighboring abdominal organs or lymph nodes... good?
So the next step was chemo. Another C... interesting...
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First infusion & cutting Mama Jo’s hair.
She was scheduled for a total of 6 rounds of chemo. Each round consisted of 1 appointment every Friday, for 3 weeks. 1 week of 2 drug infusions, and 2 weeks of a single. In total, 18 weeks. She handled it like a champ. Luckily she didn’t experience the extreme and awful symptoms, until her last round...
She started to feel the effects more and more as the chemo had gradually started to break her down. Finally, after about her 16th infusion, the start of the final round, her electrolytes were imbalanced, she needed a blood transfusion for low hemoglobin, and she was extremely pale, clammy, and easily fatigued.
Some STATS: currently the difference in mortality rate for ovarian cancer from 3 rounds (9 weeks) of chemo to the full 6 rounds is roughly 2-5%... Doesn’t seem like much when you consider the damage and side effects those 9 extra weeks cause... but that extra percentage is still a better chance... If patients experience more side effects after the first weeks, the doctor will stop treatment after 3 rounds...
Mama Jo made it through 5 complete rounds of chemo. Her initial scans were clear and we just needed to wait a few months for more follow-up scans.
She did it.
And in the best fashion, with THE BEST attitude. She has always been a positive person. You can always count on her to cheer for you, encourage you, and love you deeply. If anyone could make it through the big C, it was her... and she did!
So here we are... in the middle of another wave of this COVID-19 pandemic, living in the San Joaquin Valley, where hospitals are overflowing, COVID cases have rapidly increased, and COVID related deaths...
Friday, December 18th, Mama Jo, got tested for COVID-19. She had been symptomatic for a few days prior and scheduled a test to confirm. Her symptoms were very typical to COVID: upset stomach, diarrhea, cough, shortness of breath, body aches, etc. Mama Jo also has a long history of terrible asthma that is routinely exacerbated by changes in season, allergens, poor valley air quality, and illness...
She was positive... COVID-19... another C.
She was at home and on a regimen of several asthma medications, steroids, and regular breathing treatments to decrease her symptoms. Her oncologist saw her diagnosis of COVID and suggested she go to the ER if she continued to have symptoms... which she did... and finally, via ambulance, went to the hospital.
And that is where she has been... through Christmas and New years... She has run through all the treatments, transferred facilities, undergone all the tests, a slew of infections secondary to COVID... and here we are.
Part of me feels angry... part of me feels numb.... I move through the day knowing that I have to...There is nothing I can do, but trust that she is in good hands...
Hello 2021.
I’ve been tested. SHE has been relentlessly tested... we’ve all been tested in some way, shape, or form... I’m so done... and in those dark moments, sometimes all I want to do is give up... throw my hands in the air and say “FINE! You win!”
... and then... after my inner turmoil has had its opportunity to cry it out... after the water has settled... things become more clear... my inner voice... that voice deep... DEEP inside that speaks to you, keeps you going, motivates you, and sometimes kicks your ass in gear... well... she says I will be okay...
I have been through some great awfuls... but life will continue on and I will be OKAY because if there is anything I’ve learned from my Mama, from my Mama Jo, from everyone I’ve ever looked up to and been inspired by... its that I CAN do anything and I am so much stronger than I ever fathomed.
Can... another C.
So this is me... just leveling with you all. So much has been taken... but if there is anything I’m going to hold onto... its my hope for the best, my love for all those I care about, and my determination to continue... another C...
She’s the real champ... “C” what I mean? ;)
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Christmas 2018?
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Easter 2019?
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Thanksgiving 2019
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Christmas 2019
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Summer 2020
Mama Jo,
I know you can’t read this just yet, but I love you so much!
Love,
Your baby girl
Nisa
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icasttourniquet · 4 years
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Operation Eve, Part II: Secondary Assessment
Scenario
In Part I, Elyssa determined that her patient Babak, who fell off a cliff, isn’t about to die before her eyes, so now she begins her secondary assessment. First, she palpates his skull; checks behind his ears, under his eyes, and his pupils; and looks up his nose for secretions. Then, she gently presses against every part of his body, squeezing limbs with two hands and rolling a flat palm along all four quadrants of his abdomen.
Next, she takes and writes down his pulse. She checks that he has a radial pulse, which he does, and assumes that means his blood pressure is more or less okay. Finally, she counts how many times he breathes in a minute and writes that down as well.
She guides the friend on top of the cliff down to safety and asks for a SAMPLE history of her patient. When she gets to P, she strikes gold–she knows how she needs to help her patient.
Secondary Assessment
The secondary assessment is composed of three parts: 1) head-to-toe exam, 2) vitals, and 3) SAMPLE history.
Head-to-Toe Exam
During the head-to-toe exam, the responder tries to touch / look at every part of the patient. Your character doesn’t need to be an expert to perform one. They’re looking for some pretty obvious stuff, like, say, a bone sticking out of the body, a limb that’s bent wrong, or the patient yelling “ow ow ow!” when they touch that spot. Your character should also note any crepitus, which is a crunchy feeling when they press on a spot—in the words of Mod N’s instructor: “you’ll know it when you feel it.”
We don’t solve any problems during this stage—we’re not making a splint or anything until we’re finished, although I suppose if you found an arterial bleed at this stage, you’d treat that, but really, you should’ve noticed the growing pool of blood before now. There’s two exceptions to the No Problem Solving rule. One, if something feels weird or hurts, the responder should expose it to skin level. That’s how they can spot things like the bones sticking out or open wounds. Two, if a patient says “ow ow ow!” when you touch a spot, you should—shocker—stop touching that spot. (Spoiler: this includes when reducing dislocations! If your patient doesn’t want you jamming their shoulder around like that, you should stop! I’m looking at you, every movie with a shoulder dislocation in it).
If your character is a little more ~advanced~ they can look for Battle’s sign. Yes, that apostrophe is in the correct spot—some guy had the great fortune of being named Battle and he noticed that people with traumatic brain injuries often show characteristic bruising behind the ears. Not only does your character look like a real pro checking behind the ears, they will sound like a total badass if they start throwing around the phrase “Battle’s sign.” (Indeed, there’s nothing wrong with a character who just talks about Battle’s sign all day long—wait, I’m hearing that apparently there might be something wrong with a character like that… if you’re a coward). Have your responder take a gander at the bags underneath their patient’s eyes too—raccoon eyes can also indicate brain injury.
Since we’re already looking at the eyes, why not check out those pupils—here at ICT we try to support all types of pupils, but if they are differently sized, don’t respond to light, or not round, this is a cause for alarm. Why not have your character throw in a peek into the ears, just to check for any secretions too? Ears, you may have noticed, are generally dry. Seeing any liquid, of any color, leaking out of the ear is what we call a Bad Sign. The two most common ear secretions are blood (not ideal) and cerebrospinal fluid (very bad). If your character sees only red, they cannot breathe a sigh of relief because CSF has no color and almost always comes with blood. So, if you see blood, assume bad.
Vitals
There are three vitals that WFRs care about: pulse, breathing, and brain. Wise readers will see that these line up with our three critical systems from the last post, because for the most part, in the wilderness, we only care about three organ systems: the circulatory system, respiratory system, and nervous system. A doctor can mess around with livers and kidneys later.
Vital signs are the closest thing we have to x-ray vision in the wilderness. We want to know what your three (important) organs are doing and this is the best way to find out.
A normal pulse range is 60 – 90, higher for kids or people who just exercised. In general, we care about trends over time, so if the pulse started at 105 but stayed there for five hours, this isn’t too worrying. At the very least, your patient isn’t getting worse. If the pulse starts at a healthy 60 and then skyrockets to 105 and then plummets to to 20, this indicates the patient is probably dying.
A normal breathing range is 12 – 20 breaths per minute. Regardless of the number of breaths per minute, turning blue is not normal. A top secret trick your character might know if they have some training is to take breaths while keeping your finger on your patient’s pulse. As humans, if we think someone is paying attention to our breathing, we naturally start breathing weird. So, it’s better to let the patient think we’re still getting the pulse while we count breaths.
And for brain, your character can just check in on AVPU every so often to see if the patient is getting worse.
If you are a ~fancy~ WFR, you might also take blood pressure in the field.
Remember: normal is relative. If your character’s pulse is 40, but they say that’s totally normal for them, your responder would probably not be that worried.
SAMPLE History
Most medical problems cannot simply be solved by looking at the body. We need to ask the patient. Information like “I have crushing chest pain and, hey look, my doctor prescribed me nitro for just this eventuality,” or “I have terrible stomach and arm pain and also I am pregnant,” or “I have had many seizures before and this is what I need you to do to feel better” is game-changing, and the patient is the gate-keeper.
Let’s start with the S: Symptoms. This one’s easy: what hurts most? When did that start? Does anything make it better or worse? How would you describe this pain? (Mod N’s favorite question: If you had to make feel the same pain you are, what would you have to to do to me?) Anything else bothering you? Your character might remember what to ask by running through the acronym OPQRST, or they might just go with the flow in the moment.
Allergies. Another easy one: are you allergic to anything? What happens if you come into with that allergen? Is there any chance you came into contact with it recently?
Medication. While it is not the job of the EMT or WFR to keep track of medication interactions or prescribe anything, it’s important to know if your patient has medication that is useful in this situation or recently started or stopped medication. In one particularly embarrassing exercise, I spent about 10 minutes doing what was, in my defense, excellent PROP with someone having an asthma attack without once asking her if, perchance, she had an inhaler nearby. Don’t be like Mod E, folks—always ask if there’s an inhaler nearby.
Past Pertinent History. Has this every happened before? If your patient says yes, boom! We’ve suddenly got a subject matter expert on scene. We also want to hit on the DASH here: Diabetes, Asthma, Seizures or Stroke, and Heart Conditions. It never hurts to know your patient has diabetes. Indeed, if your character is travelling into the wilderness with someone, they may ask about the DASH before setting out.
Last ins and outs. When did you last eat and drink? How much and what? When did you last poop and pee? Was it… pretty normal for you? (Note: there is no non-awkward way to ask a stranger you found in the woods what their last bowel movement looked like).
If you think it’s relevant, when did you last menstruate? And let’s all remember, we don’t have x-ray vision, so the only way to rule out pregnancy is to ask. (Yes, even the guy with the big bushy beard—you can’t see his organs, so you don’t know if he has a uterus. If you can see his organs, what the heck are you taking a SAMPLE history for? You should be on the phone calling in a helicopter stat).
Events leading up to injury. What happened? With follow-up questions as necessary.
Scenario
“He has diabetes?” Elyssa asks Babak’s friend.
“Yeah, and he said he was feeling dizzy and light-headed before he fell.”
Elyssa, a seasoned professional, carries packets of sugar with her for just such a situation. She gently rubs them into Babak’s lips, monitoring his airway to make sure he doesn’t choke. 15 minutes later, Babak is sitting up and talking, and Elyssa can work with him and his friend on an evacuation plan.
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rainbowjay20 · 3 years
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So I am royally pissed.
RANTING FOLLOWS...
Yes, major shit is happening in the world. But real life is still happening. My doctor has been changing from one hospital affiliation to another. I had an appointment that I scheduled three months ago. No one called and told me anything with regards to time, location or new phone numbers. I drove up to an empty office with a sign. Not all the doctors are going with the person listed as my primary and my appointment was with one that was in a different office. The primary's (that is listed in my records) office kicked me out and said I didn't have an appointment without checking my name and they didn't know shit about what was going on, so they basically they kicked me out of the office because they could and they were utterly useless. No information, jack squat. I think they were done for the day and wanted to go home. The other office was closed. Neither phone number given worked and I'm out of my medication. I also have a sinus infection and need antibiotics and maybe some prednisone. My immune system is not doing well because I'm not getting my IVIG(which is another whole mess). My back is still messed up from where I sprained it before Christmas. I also have been having stomach issues and it's the reverse of my usual stomach issues. I also have a virtual visit scheduled with my Endocrinologist, after which she will need to know where to send my information. And I have two more specialists that I need to reschedule because I've been putting them off between Covid and me being sick. Did I mention my scripts need refills? I get appointments later in the day because of my issues.
I am not happy with this. I would have understood rescheduling my appointment. I would have understood a new office situation. But the girls in the one office were extremely rude and unhelpful. Also neither of the new phone numbers were working nor the old number which tells you to schedule an appointment with a different doctor. I used the old app(Epic) to request at the very least my refill and left a note on that system that I didn't get to the appointment and why.
The other thing that is pissing me off is that they knew this change was coming and they STILL SCHEDULED the appointment. Nowhere in the intervening THREE MONTHS did anyone try to get me to reschedule or tell me where I needed to go. And I was scheduled for a night appointment when they knew the hours of the new office could NOT accommodate this. (I am deducing this as my working theory. It appears to be the truth, although I won't know until I talk to someone, if I can find someone who knows their butt from a hole in the ground.)
The last time I had troubles like this, was my previous primary. In addition to screwing up messages from me to the doctor and vice versa, the little shit in the office stole a prescription of mine. They caught her red-handed. They should have called the cops. They did fire her ass.
I just didn't feel up to the paperwork involved.
I seem to attract people stealing pills. My last muscle relaxer script was short 4 pills. Since I didn't pick up the pills myself, the pharmacy basically said too bad, you lose. They were very generous*(this is sarcasm btw) in letting me refill my next script a few days early. I told them the next time I will go to the cops again. Mostly, they just go to the store quietly and examine the video tapes that the store makes, if they haven't gone to the server yet, then ask me and the store employees our side of the story, we write a statement and sign it. They don't really investigate it too much unless there is a superfluity of thefts.
Yes I am aware that I am speaking from a position of privilege. I have a doctor, insurance and enough money(most of the time) to pay co-pays and bills. I simply need to get the rant out now so I don't scream on the phone tomorrow. Catharsis is what I'm going for right now. Unfortunately, not a lot of these things have simple fixes. Or in some cases, they don't have any fix, forgoing a miracle.
These people that don't keep up with what is going on around them and are useless and are at the very least incompetent employees. If I was a boss and these people were my employees, they would be canned the minute I heard about them being rude to a customer/client and practically throwing them out the door/locking it behind them. Also neighborhood is not the best, even if they were clueless they should have made sure I had a way home or a way to get to a way home, i.e. offer to let me use the phone to call a ride/cab/uber/whatever.
I am aware I sound like a "Karen". I was taught that the first rule in any business is the customer is always right. I understand that they were at the end of a long day. I do get that. But also the employment marketplace and economy being as it, people should be eager to keep a job, because they are at least 20 people that need a job more then you at any moment. Never assume you have the worse problem in the world. There is ALWAYS someone in more dire straits then you. (Sometimes that helps. Although it can be hard to imagine, but trying is at least a distraction.)
Did I mention(no pills) I also had a dentist appointment this morning(well early afternoon) where I got two fillings fixed? Luckily, it wasn't too painful. The extended period of prolonged mandible contortions caused more pain than the dentistry.
The window in our car also broke. The cord that runs it snapped, as well as the electronic button panel went kaput. This is after we just put on two new tires and had various other repairs. The window panel costs about 400$ to repair. That's more than the car is worth almost.(Funny, not funny.) It's ten years old and beat to hell. Most likely we are going to need a new car. When I say car, I mean SUV/light truck.
In addition we have a few holes in the roof(including over the bathroom) that leak buckets of water when it rains. If it rains, we have to check the buckets so they don't overfill. We also just had to reseal the toliet(another $400) and replace the ceiling tiles below the bathroom. When we get the roof fixed eventually, the bathroom ceiling needs fixed($$$) plus the downstairs ceiling where the other leaks are. One is a popcorn ceiling.($$$)
I also was going to ask about the vaccine. Most likely I can't get it. I can't get flu shots because I'm allergic. I've also read that one of the vaccine is counterindicated for those with weak immune systems. The other possible problem is the thyroid cancer. Because of how the vaccine works, and the type of thyroid cancer I had, there may be issues. I've tried to find answers online but because my type of thyroid cancer is rare(well, both types) I don't think any studies were done on it.
When the imp of the perverse gets your number or Lady Luck(Luck be a Lady!) deserts you, you are SO SCREWED. Either that or the person who has the voodoo doll🔮 of me is getting creative(or bored) because they are in lockdown because of Covid. I wish who ever it is would stop. Or learn about karma...
Okay, rant out of my system. (Not really, but I can chill enough to try to get rid of the hiccups I just got. Did I mention I have blood pressure problems and stress induced asthma?)
Okay, now I really do think it's a little better.
Catharsis achieved.
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chronicallyapain · 4 years
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Day 20: 7/6
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Breakdown: Food Diary for 7/6
Breakfast: 175
1 Cup Honey Nut Cheerios - 140
4 oz Macadamia Milk - 35 
Lunch: 355
1 Mission Gluten Free Tortilla - 150
1 Banana - 105
1 Tbsp Bowl&Basket Peanut Butter- 100
Dinner: 654
15 Siete Grain Free Tortilla Chips - 130
4 oz Butterball Ground Turkey - 150
0.5 Cup Kidney Beans - 110
2 oz Soft Goat Cheese - 134
1 Can Pomegranate & Orange San Pellergrino Sparkling - 130
Snacks: 60
1 Lemon Fruit Bar - 60
Beverages: 
192 oz Water
2 Cups Black Coffee
Exercise: 4317 steps // 3 Stairs Climbed // 1.65 Miles 
Today was a rest day < Mom was off from work and wanted to go shoe shopping and watch movies with me. 
~~~~~~~TW: Eating Disorders, Weight, BMI, Medical Conditions~~~~~~~~~~~~
RANT SKIP THIS BIT IF YOU DON”T WANT TO READ 
I’d say that’s all that happened really today, but there was a comment on one of my posts that upset me not gonna lie. It said “why was this in my recommended I’m not even anorexic”. I responded to this person saying that in no way shape or form do I promote any type of disordered eating. I do not wish any type of eating disorder for anyone. 
I suffered from a restrict/binge cycle of eating that made me sick. I started this blog as a way to channel my health and eating problems in a healthy fashion that also kept me accountable for actually losing weight. 
I am 4 foot 10. To be 4′10 and 160 lbs is bad, in fact that makes me obese with a BMI of 33.4. 
I suffer from severe Adult Onset Food Allergies: see the list, its long <3
NO soy, cows milk, red meat, pork, gelatin, hazelnuts, almonds, cashews, peaches, mangoes, green tea 
LIMITED chicken, eggs, turkey, sheeps milk, goats milk, broccoli, cabbages, tomatoes, gluten (wheat), hibiscus, apples, any fruit and veg with skins really
my food options are pretty limited, and it seems like every week I lose another food I thought was safe, but then I eat it and get sick. And we dont know why. 
So if you are wondering what I eat, at this point not much because a week ago I ate a soy burger, got hives and since threw up everything with soy I’ve eaten and a few days ago i had some cashew milk ice cream spiked a fever and needed an EpiPen. 
 I also suffer from a rare type of asthma (neutrophilic and eosinophilic asthma) and Hashimotos Thyroiditis ( an autoimmune condition). 
Real talk there are days I sleep on the futon in the living room because I can’t get up the stairs to my bedroom.
So honestly I’m fucked for being healthy on a good day, let alone healthy and active during a pandemic. 
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE SUFFERING FROM AN EATING DISORDER IN THE United States CONTACT THIS HOTLINE: 
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
IN THE United Kingdom https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/ 
That’s All I got for today everyone. Sorry if its not up to my usual stuff, I’ll hopefully be back up to snuff tomorrow. I just had to get that off my chest. Good news is I’m going to a new doctor on Friday and hopefully I’ll at least get some tests ordered to figure out whats going on. I don’t know if anyone cares at this point but I’ll keep updating until I figure out no one is listening. 
F~G~S
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glorious-blackout · 4 years
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Summary of Junior Doctor Life - Part Ten (now with a pandemic on the horizon):
One of my colleagues (who happens to be gay) has the same jobs as me next year, though he’s considerably less thrilled about the Obs and Gyn placement than I am. After enduring the rest of us coming up with reasons why he might actually enjoy it, he eventually summed up his frustrations with a final, “Look, I just really hate vaginas!” Fair enough 😅
The stereotype that doctors aren’t particularly good at looking after ourselves isn’t entirely unfounded (most of us would love to eat and drink and sleep regularly, but our shifts don’t always allow it). One of my friends proved that point by coming back to work early after being ill, only to collapse during the morning ward round. Thankfully she was working with one of our nicer consultants, who not only made sure she got to lie down in our doctors’ room but also insisted she get a lift home and stay there until she was better. In the meantime, I managed to make our eager medical students useful by sending them off to buy biscuits and sugary drinks for her (though their initially bewildered question of “Which drink?” did leave me mildly concerned that they’d come back with a diet coke).
The same thing happened to me once when I was a medical student. Not gonna lie, it’s rather unnerving to hear an experienced consultant say “Oh wow, that is pretty low” after checking your blood pressure. 
I was on Surgical Receiving again this week, with my first patient being none other than one of my consultants. If I ever require admission to hospital then I will likely avoid my workplace like the plague, however this man is far more eccentric than I am and had zero qualms about his own colleagues removing his gallbladder earlier in the week. A few days later he called the ward because his wound was leaking and nonchalantly stated, “So I’m holding a bit of bowel in my hand, but it’s okay. I come in, you fix it, I go home.” Which is exactly what happened (thankfully his presentation wasn’t quite as dramatic as he’d made out).
During a week in which we were already understaffed, one of my colleagues called in sick at the last minute due to food poisoning. This left only two FY1s responsible for sixty patients, and one of us (thankfully not me) was holding a page designed to accept more patients. Not the best news to receive at 8am when you’re already on Day 6 of a 7-day week.
If the shift had been kind to us then this might have been manageable, but it ended up being a day in which I found out that the lovely man who once gave me a Kit-Kat because “you doctors are always run off your feet” was dying, while in the neighbouring ward a patient faked a cardiac arrest in a bid to get some morphine. Throw a suspected Coronavirus case into the mix and more discharge letters than you can physically complete without sacrificing your breaks and you end up with the kind of shift that leaves you bone-weary by the end of it.
Speaking of Coronavirus, its presence in the UK means that the rumour-mill is officially up and running. Our medical students have already had their exams and summer electives cancelled, while high-dependency nurses are facing the very real possibility of having to care for ICU patients in the coming weeks. Annual leave is likely to be deferred, elective surgeries are facing cancellations (with the exception of urgent cancer cases) while theatre nurses are being trained in Critical Care. Our email inboxes are constantly filled with updates, so regularly that emails we receive at 10am already contradict the information given two hours earlier. In the past three days I’ve been present at several meetings about the approaching pandemic, during which we’re reminded that the next few weeks are likely to be unimaginably busy. For the most part, we just get on with our jobs as usual, but there’s certainly an undercurrent of dread lingering beneath the calm.
Supplies of alcohol gel are running low because the bottles by patients’ bedsides keep mysteriously vanishing (often during visiting hours). This has prompted at least one exasperated nurse to say, “Why can’t they just use soap like normal people, for feck’s sake!” 
My sister works in the neonatal unit and has already caught multiple parents smuggling hospital supplies of nappies and formula milk home ‘just in case’. They don’t tend to take it well when she bluntly tells them that not only are they stealing from the NHS, but also the very sick babies who actually need those supplies.
One of the unnerving things about working in a hospital where preparations are underway for a pandemic is that it feels like the virus is already everywhere. Every clear-cut Infective Exacerbation of COPD or Pneumonia is now labelled ‘Coronavirus until proven otherwise’ and our charge nurse had to be upfront with us about the fact that even she hadn’t been told exactly how many confirmed local cases there are. The hullabaloo makes it seem as though we’re already in the thick of it… and then you check BBC News and it turns out Scotland only has 60 cases in total. Still, I suppose we’ll be grateful for such preparations soon enough.
My mum rather naively asked if Occupational Health would do anything to protect people like me on account of our shit lungs (not quite her wording, but it’s what she was getting at). I don’t have the heart to tell her that the higher-ups would probably rather have a couple of asthmatic employees die than face the staffing crisis that would arise if every single healthcare worker with underlying health conditions stayed at home. My asthma’s mild enough that I’m not particularly worried, though I have finally ordered a repeat prescription of my inhalers. Just in case 😉
As a final point about COVID-19: for most people it will manifest as a bad cold/flu-like illness (if that), and everyone can do their bit by staying at home if they develop a cough/fever and employing proper hand hygiene (soap and warm water are enough - trust me, hospitals and vulnerable people need stuff like alcohol gel and antibacterial wipes far more than you do). Keeping surfaces at home clean and staying well-hydrated can also help (the virus loves dry environments, which apparently includes the mucus membranes in your throat if you’re dehydrated enough). The people who are going to be most affected are the elderly, immunocompromised, and those with underlying medical conditions, and it’s those people who will be most protected if you follow precautions as closely as possible. It’s going to be a hectic and potentially very difficult few months, but the best thing to do is keep our heads and try not to give into the scaremongering which has been prominent since Day One. And because I really can’t say it enough - Wash Your Hands!  
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sparrow-ink · 4 years
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covid diaries aka memoirs of the plague
trying to keep my thoughts organized and coherent has been a bitch recently, so i’m going to try to put them down more or less in order here and see where we end up. this is going to be heavy on personal covid content and might get long, so please skip if either distresses you.
so last tues, the uh... 24th i guess, i started feeling ill. mostly like allergies plus a bad headache. i had a feeling i was getting sick but didn’t want to alarm my spouse or housemate/best friend, so stuck with ‘could very well be allergies and dehydration.’ also it very well could have been, and it was very reassuring for us all to tell each other that. my company had already moved the majority of employees to work-from-home, including me, so i already wasn’t going to come into contact with anyone outside my home.
symptoms got worse over the next few days, congestion, headache, feeling feverish, cough started up. we didn’t own a thermometer, and my spouse and housemate tried every wal-mart, wal-greens, target, etc to find one. housemate said at one place they laughed at her when she asked if they had any. i tried ordering one on amazon with no luck. either they were $90+, out of stock, or not shipping until may. i settled on ordering on for shipment in may. the seller messaged me the next day and said they couldn’t fulfill the order and asked to cancel it.
from our last costco trip we had already (unintentionally) gotten stocked up on toilet paper, snacks, and some dry goods. at some point before I got sick, spouse and I bought a bag of rice and bag of potatoes, because I intermittently try to do mealprepping and seemed being stuck at home would be a good time to try again, what with national and state-wide states of emergency being declared. also seemed good to have them in supply. and we were still stocked up on cold and flu medecine from when i got bronchitis mid-dec to mid-jan. so we were/are pretty well-stocked on essentials? that was reassuring, as i was obviously, noticeably sick by last friday.
i was hoping i would get better over the weekend but i did not. still couldn’t find a thermometer anywhere. governor had issued the state-wide stay-at-home order on uh...thurs? weds? but already being sick, and already working from home, and not going out, it didn’t really affect me much?
i feel like i should mention at this point that since the state of emergency was declared and we started to transition to working from home, i’d been trying to ration my social media (tumblr/twitter/insta) time for my sanity. but also not having information makes me feel helpless, so i had the CDC covid page up and checked every day. and then the colorado state covid page too. seeing the numbers of confirmed cases double, and triple, from week to week was... hm.
also one of my younger siblings moved from colorado to arizona at the start of march, and presumably lost their phone because i haven’t heard from them since despite poking. that hasn’t been concerning during a global pandemic. not at all. they’re probably not dead. i mean, you’d think a bitch could call their older sibling to let them know they’re not dead, but whatever. i’m sure they’re fine. probably. anyway.
where was i. so by the weekend i was Not Feeling Well At All Actually. my cough had become “scary.” my housemate did all the dishes in the kitchen despite not being responsible for most of them. i felt, and sounded, disgusting.
i checked the covid testing requirements again, and basically found that in colorado you had to be dying to be tested for covid. cool.
monday rolled around, still not better. i ended up having work computer issues (their end, not mine) where i basically ended up laying on the couch in my office while IT did IT things. a blessing. i slogged through the rest of the day. just felt like i wasn’t tracking well, couldn’t focus on shit. that evening while watching shows with husbeast & housemate, i had a truly uncontrollable coughing spasm/fit that seemed to just go on. could barely talk without coughing. i coughed all night. i basically didn’t sleep.
tuesday morning i woke up, and started coughing again. i could hear a crackle echo up my throat when i breathed if i was in the right position. i sat up to try and get my breath. i think it was like 6 am. spouse creature (already awake from my coughing) gently rubbed my back. i started crying. i just wanted to sleep, and i couldn’t sleep, and i couldn’t stop coughing, and i felt like i could barely breathe, and things just hurt, and i couldn’t think straight. i felt so... defeated. i think it freaked out the spouse creature. i usually only cry during children’s movies.
i took the day off of work. i hadn’t taken a day yet because i was already working from home, and it was the end of the month which is the busiest for my team, and my boss had said last week that if i felt i could work, they needed me. by tuesday morning i was out of energy and also fucks. i got in the queue for a teladoc appointment. per the CDC and colorado covid websites, telehealth visits are to be the first option in order to help prevent the spread, etc. also i would have done teladoc anyway bc i don’t have a PCP.
it took a few hours to get connected with a doctor. i think i started coughing while he did his intro thing. he basically said, well i think i know what you’re calling about, but why don’t you tell me. i told him. and coughed some more. he said my symptoms are consistent with covid, and in a perfect world they’d be able to get me in for rapid testing, but they couldn’t. that basically people are only getting tested at this point who are getting admitted to the hospital. some people were able to access testing through their PCPs but even that was drying up. he advised me to self-isolate (already on it lol) and for my household to self-quarantine for at least two weeks from when i started showing symptoms. and i could un-self-isolate once the majority of my symptoms calmed down AND when i didn’t have a fever for three days straight with no meds. he prescribed me an inhaler and a cough suppressant pill, though he said the cough suppressant might not do much since it didn’t seem to be working for anyone else with similar.
husbeast had run out to get some more supplies by the time i got on the vidcall with the doc, mostly liquids and electrolytes. he went back out once i gave him the rundown, to fill my prescription and get me the good costco chicken soup once they were open. he also, miracle of miracles, managed to find and buy a temporal thermometer at costco for like $45 i think. a true champion. my temp seemed to be fine in the afternoon, a touch above normal but fine. i’m not actually sure what my personal base temperature is. i should also say that i’d been consistently taking dayquil and sudafed since the previous weds.
that evening my temp started to go up. and up. or at least i think it was tuesday night. maybe it was weds? freaked out spouse, i got up to 102 F even with sudafed and additional acetaminophen. i basically had a fever from tues through this morning (friday), while taking pills like clockwork. always seemed to get worse in the afternoon/evening and be better in the morning. today at least it’s stayed below 100F, even mostly below 99F.
the cough and difficulty breathing has been the worst part. i have delicate baby lungs to begin with, and i have allergies and a history of childhood asthma. so i’m already paranoid about my breathing even with a normal cold. but to hear that i would have to immediately proceed to emergency services should my symptoms progress to: can only get a few words out, can’t stand up or walk across the room, can’t maintain conciousness, to hear that was... something. because then it’s basically like, okay, if I get pneumonia and my lungs are filling up, then i can go see a doctor in person. cool. and i know it says on the websites that there’s no approved treatment for coronavirus, that treatment for less severe cases will be the same at home as it would be in person, but shit. i woke up so many times last night feeling like i was fighting for air, waking up because i was coughing so hard i had to sit up all the way to breathe, and i kept thinking, what if i just stop breathing in my sleep? not like i would notice, right?
it’s been scary. i’ve been trying not to freak out my people with more crying and whatnot, but i’ve already got anxiety and this shit aint helping. i’m trying to stay relatively calm and not make them deal with me losing my shit on top of already taking care of me and bringing me soup and water and pills and asking what they can do for me. i’m tired of being sick. i want a new pair of lungs. i want to not feel like i’ve been hit by a truck. my ribs hurt from coughing so much. my chest hurts. my whole body aches. the headache keeps coming and going. i can’t stop fucking coughing. i don’t want to die, i just want to maybe go into a coma and wake up when this is all over. once the line of dump trucks has stopped running me over.
and i’m just so mad at the lack of preparedness in the US. i’m so pissed that i can’t even get tested, i can’t know for sure what the fuck is happening to me. i’m so mad that the cheeto is president during this. i hate this fucking timeline. i hate that we don’t even have clear numbers on cases because of mismanagement. i hate that i keep feeling like i’m about to throw up because i’m coughing so fucking hard. real fucking reassuring to know that the symptoms i’ve been told to watch for, to know that i need to go to the hospital, are the same ones that constitute an emergency and would mean that i would basically have to be rushed there. wearing a facemask if we can find one.
ugh. the other worst part is that i haven’t even been really coherent enough to write. and i’ve only been able to settle on a few things to read and watch. being sick makes me picky and like, impossible to please. so i’m spoiled for choice with 4+ streaming services, but nothing sounds good. and my people are working from home, but they’re still working. they can’t spend all their time with me. i’m bored, and everything is garbage, and there are only so many times i can rewatch the princess bride. i have been napping quite a lot, but even that doesn’t take all day.
maybe i’ll write some crackfic. then it doesn’t have to be coherent. and it would be in the spirit of covid to write some real absurd shit i think.
anyway. i might delete this later. i feel better for getting events put down and venting.  also i apologize, i have no idea how to do a readmore cut on tumblr anymore.
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goodnessmarygrace · 4 years
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Hi, my name is Mary Grace and I’m new to Tumblr. I made this blog because nobody I know has Tumblr, so it feels like I can be more open about my struggles without drawing attention to myself. Anyways, here goes nothing. This is my story thus far. It’s a long one, so buckle up!
I was diagnosed with POTS last month after two increasingly difficult and perplexing years. You could think of me as being sorta athletic and very ambitious normally if you like. I’m a perfectionist and I have anxiety. I began really feeling and noticing the POTS symptoms about two years ago. For a year, I just always assumed I was out of shape or everybody felt the same way and I was just being a wimp. I was super tired all the time and would get very dizzy with standing up and running. I would get spotty vision and feel the familiar “hot ice” feeling you get when you might faint. These symptoms were not incredibly severe or anything, so I just always hid them so that people wouldn’t label me as “dramatic” or “lazy.” I played basketball, softball, ran track, did marching band, football cheer-leading, scholar bowl, FCA, and FCCLA at the time of the onset of symptoms. I always assumed that I was just stressed out or had a really bad cold and it was nothing to give a second thought about. If anything, hiding my symptoms made me feel like I was in control or tough.
Another thing you must know about me to understand my story is I am a Christian and Jesus plays a big part in my life each and every day. Come summer 2019, I was a helper/counselor at the 5th and 6th grade week at the local Church Camp. That’s when some things really clicked for me spiritually. I realized that my life had been fairly easy. I have a loving family, live in an awesome community, have been blessed with friends and talents all my life, and for the most part, I’d been healthy and hadn’t had to deal with many terrible things. Most of all, I’m free to live for and worship my LORD and Savior.
It’s a life that many crave and would give anything to have. But that week at Church Camp initiated a thought process in me. I realized I had never really depended on GOD because everything in my life had seemed so... easy I guess. I was incredibly thankful for my life, but there came a time when I realized that I didn’t really live by faith or trust or hope. I didn’t completely even understand what they mean! How can you live for GOD without knowing what it is like to completely trust Him with every aspect of your life? My life story was (yes, comfortable and safe) but also a bit empty. It was shallow where it could be deep. And after lots of prayer and some soul searching, I realized my story was shallow because I had hardly ever struggled. So then I began praying dangerously. I asked (or begged) GOD to break me if He had to.
And oh my, He sure answered that one. The symptoms got worse, but I didn’t think much of them considering I had quit (or retired (; ) from softball. (There’s a whole separate story to why I quit softball that I just can’t possibly fit in this post. It was a big developmental step in my life and something that I still am learning from.) I assumed I was just getting out of shape and I should exercise and live healthier. More water, more sleep, better food, etc. Running was getting harder and harder. I was always exhausted, which I blamed on stress and lack of good sleep. Basketball season is what really did it in for me. The first real “attack” or “episode” happened during conditioning week. I almost fainted. I got a migraine and was so dizzy that I couldn’t walk straight. My vision was seriously messed up and that “hot ice” feeling you get before passing out kept washing over me. (I had passed out/ almost passed out before this but always blamed it on being squeamish or something else unconcerning.)  I eventually sucked up my pride and told my coach, “I gotta lie down!” It was humiliating. I used to be able to run like nobody’s business. I mean, some people were jealous of my exercising capabilities. It seemed like my fault since I had quit softball and seemingly was so out of shape that I almost passed out. I felt like a quitter. There was so much shame and guilt. I must have forgotten it was actually an answer to my prayers.
The season progressed and I repeatedly had to lie down when it came to conditioning and running. It didn’t help that I got mono for the second time in my life that winter (no, not from kissing) and was so stubborn that I refused to stay home or go to the doctor. I had mono, pharyngitis, and a double ear infection for months, but I didn’t want to rest because I thought people would think I was lazy. We began trying to figure out why I would get the POTS symptoms as well, because my mom started to think that something really was going on. In the end, we decided to blame it on blood sugar. I told people I was hypoglycemia. I brought juice to basketball practice, and when I would drink it, I would trick myself into thinking that I felt better because I was sick of having no idea what was going on.
Finally, when basketball season was wrapping up and track season was beginning, I began believing that maybe I wasn’t “just out of shape.” I had been running and exercising for months, but I still had my POTS symptoms. I was praying and trying really really hard to get past the shame and be grateful for my struggles. The thing is, I LOVE track (and was pretty good at it too.) Running and racing has always been, dare I say, fun for me. I was really looking forward to the first practice of the season. My dreams were crushed to say the least. After running the first 400 meters of a mile, I nearly fainted again. I finished the mile, but was not doing so hot. I remember all my teammates and coaches staring at me with worry and surprise. I was so embarrassed. The headache from it didn’t go away until I went to bed that night. What made things worse, was I still didn’t know what was wrong with me. Doctors said “blood sugar?”, “asthma?”, “hormones?”, “anxiety?”, “arrhythmia?”, “stress?”. When people asked, I didn’t have a definite answer, so just I listed all of my symptoms and the possible diagnoses. I got tired of that real quick.
Now that my track season was in jeopardy, I decided that we really needed to figure out what was happening to me. My mom said to take it easy at practice, but I didn’t want to look “lazy.” (You can tell that my mind runs in a useless circle around the concepts of weak and lazy.) I told my coaches that I needed to take it easy, but then just continued to go hard as I could. I mentally could not get past the mindset I had adopted. I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t trying and I was making things up, so without really noticing it, I told myself that it was in fact all in my head and I was weak. Then came the pandemic. 
This is becoming way too long, so I’m going to continue it in a part 2. It sounds crazy, but I’m actually pretty thankful for the mess I’ve been through. More explanation later, but I know there is some growth happening in me that never would have begun if I hadn’t gotten these struggles. GOD has shown me so much through these experiences and He’s made room in my busy schedule for the things that actually matter in life. I don’t chase people’s opinions or expectations so much anymore and have learned to be kinder to myself. Again, this blog is kind of going to be like a way to figure some things out and hopefully become part of the community of people who’ve gone or are going through similar experiences. Maybe then I’ll even be able to help someone else in return.
-Mary Grace
June 4, 2020
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Poison ( II )
Villain’s are people too, are they not? (Y/N) is taking the “home grown” terror title a little too seriously. You’re really really bad, until you meet a certain super soldier who makes you consider a career change. It’s a lengthy process, but you’re willing if it’s for the right reasons. Maybe you’re not so bad after all?
//basically poison ivy and a little bit of bane but with marvel characters?? I’d be original but I love her and them so much so sorry. also some changes, idk I’m making them my own but completely based of the DC characters SNS. Nickname Ivy, real name, yours duh!//
***this is my first attempt at fanfic so any feedback is welcome! I love all these characters dearly so, here goes nothing! Hope you enjoy***
A/N: Violence, language, crime. I’ll update these as the chapters come out
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The next morning Bucky woke up in the med bay, completely confused on how he got there, and why Steve and himself were restrained to their beds. The whirring of his arm alerted the nurse he was awake. He notified the doctor, and went to calmly and carefully assess Bucky, and eventually Steve. Bright lights were flashed into their eyes, needles jammed into their arms, cold stethoscopes placed on their bare chests. They weren't allowed to be released until they were thoroughly checked over, twice. Not that it mattered to them, the bright lights and a strange ringing in their heads kept them from asking questions, or resisting any treatment at all.
"The bloods clean, Dr. Banner. They should be back to their old selves in no time."
"Thats, not a good thing. However, I'll take it. You're all dismissed. Great work really, time for me to be well, me." Tony glided into the room, smiling from ear to ear. "My, my, my, what did you two boys get into last night?" He plopped his head into both of his, propping them up on the back of the chair he was now sitting on. "Come on, Cap." He slapped his leg on the table. "Don't spare any of the gory details." A smartass smile was all it took for Steve to groan an roll towards Bucky.
"JESUS!" Steve jolted back, looking at his friend on the other table. "Bucky, what the hell happened to your face?"
"Language, Stevie." As if Steve needed to be reminded of that slip of a comment right now, his friend looked like he'd been beaten an inch from death. Steve tried to squint to see if Bucky was awake, but with two black eyes it was rather hard to tell.
"You, is what happened Rogers." Stunned, Steve looked at the billionaire, he could never had done anything even remotely similar to what had happened to Bucky. "I'm not kidding either. Last night, your mission that you swore would work, had you and your one armed friend here very pissed off. The end result being you two knocking each other out, a very expensive robbery, and Natasha and Sam having to drag your two unconscious asses out of there!"
"We... knocked each other out? There's no way. We would never fight each other like this. Unless..." Steve gazed upon his still sleepy friend, if somebody had spoken to Bucky in a particular tongue with very particular words... Steve might not have had a choice.
"Steve no. This wasn't like anything we've seen before, Bucky and you completely charged at each other after briefly speaking with a woman. Do either of you remember anything? Anything at all?" Banner was asking a great question, but it all honesty Steve couldn't. It was all a blur, one moment they were drinking at the bar and the next minute they were here. It didn't make sense, Steve could feel that his face was swelling, and how bruise his arms were, but still, there wasn't a way in hell he'd fight Bucky to this extent, especially not over a dame.
"There's no way Bucky and I would ever fight each other almost to the death over a pretty girl. There's no way."
"Actually... according to these blood results, there's at least one way." All eyes turned to Bruce as he raised up from his microscope. "It looks like you two were exposed to a type of hormone that triggers the portion of the brain that secretes testosterone and dopamine. Both of you guys levels were off the charts high." Steve and Bucky stared blankly, did nobody around here remember that they were just really strong and patriotic? Not stupid by any means, but they used to use heroin to treat Steve's asthma, so.
"Lust, guys. Hormone make super soldiers get manly parts wiggle, and get happy. Was that simple enough for you?"
"Yes Tony, and thank you for that unnecessarily colorful picture I now have in my head." Shudders ran up and down Natasha's spine as she thought about what may have happened under the bar top.
"In more mature terms, you guys were drugged. The weird part, is that this stuff isn't available in a drinkable liquid or a solid pill form. How it got into your systems we have no idea."
"Unless it was aerosolized." Tony sat in his chair, running his hands through his fluffy hair as he explored every possible way you could drug two super soldiers without anybody noticing. "Think about it, there's no possible move anybody in that club could've made that wouldn't have been noticed by Steve or Bucky, and even if they did somehow slip past these two our surveillance would show it, or they'd have tasted the dose it would take to get them to act like they did."
"I smelled roses." Short sentences were normally what they got from Bucky after a mission. But this time, they really needed more. "I was making fun of Steve for saying something Steve-ish, and the next thing I knew I was smelling roses, and blacking out." Roses, why roses? Why did red stick out in his memories? Something was off, something was very off. Thankfully he remembered some parts of the night. All those plums were really helping with his memory retention.
"Bruce, would a perfume have enough of this stuff to do that? They were talking to a woman for a decent amount of time before they started trying to kill each other. She was definitely close enough for both of them to inhale it." Nice one, Nat. Steve was always amazed by how easily she figured things out. Bruce and Tony may have the degrees, but Natasha is always the smartest person in the room.
"Yes and no. The entire club burst into chaos, a perfume would only hit a certain radius around her. Our systems would have noticed small group becoming violent. She has to have another way to effect a group this large. So we're thinking "Green" is this woman now? Or is that just the distraction?"
"I think we should look into the guy she was talking with for sure. But, we can't rule her out, especially if she made these two guys go crazy like that, it's always good to know what, and who we're dealing with.
And they would. Very, very soon.
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ashencreature · 5 years
Text
Important Update for partners across the board
This is long, and I’m sorry, but I just wanted everyone to know what’s going on. Honestly, I’m not expecting anyone to actually waste time reading through all this, but it’s just so I can try to ease my own anxiety in case the worst case scenario does come and I left some sort of explanation.
Ok, so, some of you know there’s been a lot going on for me at home in the last 3 or 4 years. But everything’s kind of getting worse by day and at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. 
When I was 14, I moved in with my dad. We moved quite a few times in the first few years I was with him. Hell, that first year alone, I was in 3 different schools. All for Freshman year. And the last house we were in that year, we stayed in for maybe 2? 
But when I was 16, the factory my dad worked at closed and he lost his job. That’s kind of where all this starts. Instead of getting a new job, he decided he wanted to spend all day drinking with his new friends and occasionally doing odd jobs for them or things with them. We had to move out of that house, take my dog to the shelter, and move into a trailer. It was only supposed to be for a year. But nearly 14 years later, and we’re still here. 
Now the landlord here is a real prick. More like a slumlord if you ask me. He jacks the rent up for the dumbest reasons and acts like he’s god’s gift to humanity or some shit. He told us himself, and had the park manager tell us, that we couldn’t fix our roof to stop the leaking because the walls would collapse of we tried to move it. So literally the entire 14 years we’ve been here, the roof has been leaking. My dad tried everything he could think of, short of tearing it out and redoing it, to fix it. Nothing worked. 
And in that time, the entire back half of the house got destroyed by mold. My bedroom, being the very last room, was the first to go. I think I slept in it for a year? And ever since, I’ve had to sleep in the living room because the walls had to be torn out due to the mold. It’s right down to the studs and the scant insulation. It’s been like that for over 10 years. Well, now the mold is spreading and getting worse. The bathroom is destroyed pretty much. The back hallway is the same. The floor’s rotting away, and the toilet is falling through the floor; again. 
Now, I think my dad went to the garage he was at for the first time when I was maybe 18? I don’t remember exactly. I do remember being in junior year and my friends either having to buy me lunch, share theirs with me, or pray that we actually were cooking in cooking class; which happened a lot less than you’d think. Other than that, I didn’t eat. Senior year was a little better because I at least would get money dropped off to eat. Not that the cafeteria had a lot of choices for me to pick from. I pretty much ate nothing but gross excuse for pizza and occasionally pretzels, fries, or Belgian waffles. 
Anyway, so senior year rolls around and we’re all prepping for college. At the time, I wanted to go to AMDA for musical theater, and managed to get an audition there for that March. I had to force my dad to go to the meeting about FAFSA and to fill out the paperwork. Which he said he did, but I don’t believe it because he says they denied me. And I’ve never heard of FAFSA being denied. Not that it mattered anyway, because I bombed the audition and didn’t get in. So graduation rolls around and all my friends go off to college. I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them since. They never stop to visit when they come home and they never try to reach out on Facebook. Eventually, I got sick of being the one to initiate and maintain all conversations, so I just gave up. 
The 2 friends I still had at that time helped me to get jobs when I was 20/21 and living with them, in 2011/2012. This was because 2 of us and their mom were in a car accident on the way to my friend’s college at the time. We all nearly died. My friend had a concussion, their mom needed surgery, and I nearly got impaled by a fake Christmas tree. I ended up going to the hospital a lot later than they did with a copy of the report in the doctor’s hand and got told I wasn’t in an accident I had the flu, go home. Anyway, so after my friend’s mom’s surgery, I moved in to help around the house and look after my friend’s youngest sister. These jobs weren’t the best; Wendy’s and the deli department of one of the local grocery stores. But it was money. 
For all the good it did. Because by that time, my dad had quit working at the garage. So here I was, paying for rent, bills, gas, food, and child support for my brother. All on $200 a week. My anxiety was driving me insane. And I came to find out that my dad was going in and threatening one of the store managers, which was probably why the guy was such a scumbag to me. But I digress. So I was in the store for a month shy of 2 years. I started at maybe $7.45 or $7.50. an hour when I started. It was slightly over the minimum wage at the time. By the time I left, 2 years later mind you, I wasn’t even making $8, and I was working full time hours while only being part time. Everything that went wrong got blamed on me, even when it was my day off and I wasn’t anywhere near the store. I liked most of the people that I worked with, even if I hated the job, and the assistant department manager became a really good friend. She was 2 years older than me, and we hung out a lot. I’d spend the night at her house, I was at her wedding, I’ve been to her daughter’s birthday parties and so on. 
At one point, I was supposed to get training to be an assistant specialty cheese shop lead. They sent me to one class, told me about another, but never gave me any more details about it, even when I asked. Then they said they were going to train me over there, but never did. That was just the first of a long list of grievances. The culmination of which was on a Sunday night, our busiest day of the week. There was just me and 1 other guy in the department. Then 1 lady in the hot food section, 1 lady in the beer store, and no one in the bakery. But they expected me to take care of all 4 departments and still wait on the 20+ people that were at the counter the whole night. And I had an order to make and put away for the assistant department manager. Needless to said, I had a panic attack. I told my partner, and both of the other people nearby. They told the assistant store manager, and he didn’t care. They made me work for 3 and a half hours, through a panic attack, without a break. I couldn’t breathe and was on the verge of fainting. I finally had enough and told one of the ladies that I didn’t care what the store manager said, I was going to get my inhaler in the break room and get a drink at the water fountain, or I was going to faint. 
A few days later, I got called to the main office to speak to the store manager, who I usually didn’t have a problem with. And unfortunately, since my anger receptors are evidently attached to my tear ducts, I broke down in tears when I wanted to be furious. He basically told me that I was going to the bakery or I was getting fired. So the next day, I quit. There was a lot of other stuff too but that doesn’t really matter. Including being so sick that I couldn’t eat for over a week, fainting in the back room because they wouldn’t let me take a day off, and not being able to talk for over a month. The assistant department manager almost called the ambulance when I fainted, but you know, I’m clearly the problem here. 
So there we were, I didn’t have a job. My dad didn’t have a job. I was 23, and feeling just as helpless as I did at 16. I spent a year filling out job applications for a bunch of different things from craft stores to fast food to jewelry stores, but never heard back from any of them. The only interview I got was for Chipotle. But they wouldn’t even hire me. Naturally, cue the anxiety and depression getting worse. And around this time, our electric got shut off. This was in May I believe because it was just before my birthday. 
At that time I started thinking about going back to school. So I looked at schools and degrees you could do all online, because I knew I could never afford to go on campus. And, as most of you know, I started at CTU in July of that year. Now the program I did was an accelerated one, which meant I could finish gen ed classes faster, be done faster, and lower my tuition. I did as many as I could, but only my admission adviser was any help. My actual student adviser was never around, never responded to my emails, never called me back. But whatever. 
So for 3 years I spent pretty much all day, every god damn day doing schoolwork. I’d be at my local Dunkin from 3 in the afternoon until they closed at 11. Sometimes I’d be working even later next door because I still had stuff to do. The first year and a half I was fine. It didn’t bother mine, just like working didn’t bother me at first. But then, a year and a half after I started, I got sick. I couldn’t eat anything without my stomach cramping up and getting the worst migraines. It got so bad that one day at Dunkin, I felt like I was going to puke, and got up to go to the bathroom and almost fainted. Personally, I think it’s a combination of anxiety, depression, Celiac/gluten intolerance, anemia, and asthma. But I don’t know for sure because I haven’t had a doctor since I was going to the pediatrician. And even if I did, can’t afford it. 
So I’ve just been getting sicker and sicker. I was 125 pounds in January of this year. 11 months later, and I’m down to 108.5 the last time I checked. I think the lowest I hit was 107, and that was all 6 months after the weight loss started. There’s times it’ll go back up, but I can’t get past 110 or 111 tops. Neighbors who used to live down the road came to visit earlier this week, and all the lady could say was how skinny I got. I’m like yeah, malnourishment’ll do that to you. 
And to make things worse, my dad at some point went back to the garage and was working again, so things were slightly better. I say slightly in the loosest way possible. But, just after Christmas last year, my dad quit again. I’ve seen him apply to 1 job and go to 1 interview in the year since. Other than that, he’s been collecting scrap and doing shit for people who refuse to pay, including the landlord. In the last 7 or 8 months, despite how many times I’ve told him that my refund checks from the school aren’t free money I can spend however I want, my dad’s made me spend it. The $5,000 I had that was supposed to set me ahead for my student loans are gone. And I’m $5,000 deeper in the hole than I should be. Which means instead of being like $45 or 50 grand in debt I’m about $55 grand. 
Then, because we haven’t had electricity in almost 4 years, and with the mold problem, everything in the house is ruined. We had only cold water, and I took cold showers for as long as I could. But last winter, the shower pipes froze and burst. So even if I wanted to, I can’t do that. Plus, because we can’t use the washer and dryer, or hook up a generator thanks to the scumbag landlord, or afford a laundromat, our clothes have gone unwashed for over a year. Most of mine were sitting in the tub, which got filled with mold and bugs. I have practically no clothes left, with no way to wash them, and no way to shower unless I go to someone else’s house. And even when I do, I still don’t feel clean. Even after washing my hair 4 times or more. 
We were supposed to move into the place next door and tear this one down. But the landlord and my dad made a deal that he’d give it to us for the cost of the title transfer. Then suddenly, he wanted $600, then like $800 or $1,000. But he won’t stop asking about it, no matter how many times we tell him no. Him and his wife keep trying to say we’re $5,000 behind on rent which isn’t possible because with what rent is now, you can’t even get $5,000 as a total for a whole year, and this last year is the only time we fell behind because everything else was caught up. He gave us a bill full or errors. Payments that were made aren’t marked. Payments that weren’t made are. There’s random charges after the monthly rent cycle. Which I think are from when he was bitching about us paying the taxes for a place we didn’t even own and was still in his name. He told us we can’t run the generator for power because it was too loud. Though the noise ordinance here is 11, and it was always off by then. And when one of the neighbors asked how we were supposed to live, he told them it “Wasn’t his problem”. 
So when I started getting really sick, and unable to leave the house to go to Dunkin for school because I was too gross, the neighbors next door let us run an extension cord over to their place. Not a lot. Just enough for the light in the living room, the fan, a mini fridge, and to plug in my phone and computer. OH WANNA HEAR A GOOD ONE. THE LANDLORD TOLD MY DAD 3 SEPARATE TIMES IF I NEED TO PLUG IN MY COMPUTER TO GET A LANTERN. YES THE OLD FASHIONED OIL OR CANDLE TYPE LANTERN. WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY PLUG AN ELECTRONIC COMPUTER INTO. So because of that, I was able to finish school and graduate in June. 
But, because I still can’t bathe or do laundry and have no clothes, I still can’t go to interviews. If I walked in with my arms, face, neck, and legs literally black from dirt, and reeking to high heaven, I’d fucking get laughed out of the place. My dad still refuses to get a real job and insists on hauling scrap or doing shit for people who won’t pay at all, or want to pay less than it’s worth. And guess what’s due this week? You got it, my first loan payment. 
I can’t figure out how much I have to pay, work on getting it lowered or delayed, or even access my account info because there’s an issue with my birthday apparently, and they can’t find it even though they have my name and social and keep emailing me. I’ve been telling him this for months, and he still won’t come with me to try and sort it out. Because what he needs has to taken care of then and there and everything else can fuck all. He blew up at me the other day about it, blaming me for going, leaving him with payments, for my mother walking out 20 years ago even though they hated each other, and pretty much for being born. Because he resents having to take care of kids he made the choice to have. Not like I asked to be born, and I’ve been wishing I was dead since I was 9, but whatever. 
Anyway. 
So, the neighbor’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer over the summer. Like 2 weeks later, he was dead. And she’s struggling just as much. We’ve been trying to help her and she’s been trying to help us. But her ex was paying her rent and some of the other bills until she found a job because they have a young son. But he started refusing to do that, which I honestly wouldn’t be surprised it if was the landlord’s doing cause they were talking. And he was telling her to “pull the plug” on us. And his wife started harassing her about rent like 2 weeks after her father died. Then, she went to Domestic relations earlier this week and then like the day after she goes, her ex somehow gets an emergency custody on the little guy. They came for him yesterday. 
She’s most likely going to have to move, which means that we’ll be losing power and internet unless we can figure something out to get our power back on. But even then, the bill’s supposedly at least $1300, and that won’t fix the internet problem. 
So... Needless to say, if I disappear suddenly in the near future, that’s why. I don’t want to go. I’ve spent too much time here, made too many friends, and put too much work into my muses. But everything is going to shit all at once. It’s just been building and building for the last 3 years, especially the last year, but my dad refuses to see and do anything about it. Instead, he’d rather blame everything on me and expect me to fix it. As if my mental health wasn’t bad enough from childhood abuse and being sick and stressed all the time. Now I’m too fucking scared to leave the house. I haven’t been outside since the midterms when I went to vote. But I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen now. And I just wanted everyone to know that I love them. And even if I do disappear, I still plan on keeping my muses and coming back when I can. Granted Tumblr doesn’t die before then. In which case the only blog i’m worried about losing is Elizabeth’s because of all the worldbuilding, metas, and headcanons I’ve done.
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