#until ive written a coda

[half-bakedboy]

All Too Well

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Contains spoilers from season 5 episode 2: Desperate Times

Summary: “Is that enough?”

Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them.

But he does.

Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?

Or a look inside Buck's head during their panic attack talk.

(read on ao3)

Buck has never been one to hesitate before talking to his best friend, but he sees Eddie with an arm over his face, lying down for the first time since Ana and Christopher left, and his feet feel like they’re stuck to the floor. 

He takes a few deep breaths, preparatory, anxiety-reducing, reminders that he’s breathing and that his best friend is hurting. He’s the one to make things better, to get Eddie through everything, so why is he hesitating? 

“Hey, are you sleeping or just pretending?” 

He knows the answer but is grateful when Eddie actually speaks. 

“I was actually trying to until you interrupted.”

Sarcasm, that’s— good. Buck isn’t sure when sass and thinly veiled annoyance became good but he isn’t about to overthink it like he has been for the last hour. 

“I’m exhausted,” Buck offers. He thinks that maybe if he shares something small, Eddie might be willing to give in return. “Uh, how are you feeling?” 

Buck knows the answer to this question, too, and he finds himself secretly hoping Eddie answers in sarcasm so he can truly convince himself that things are okay, that his hesitation was unwarranted.

“Hot,” Eddie drawls, “I’m sweating out of places I didn’t know I could.”

Well, Buck did ask for sarcasm. He didn’t expect the glint of arousal to strike through him like lightning, though. 

Or the quick jolt of panic as he rakes his eyes over Eddie’s body for nothing other than symptoms, an indication of what might be wrong because, for the first time since he’s met Eddie, he doesn’t know.  

“Not like a cold sweat though, right? Any chest pains?” 

Buck yearns to reach out, to feel Eddie’s pulse in his wrist, press a palm over his forehead to check for a fever. Hell, he would go grab a blood pressure cuff and EKG monitor from the ambulance if Hen and Chim wouldn’t yell at him. Buck considers it more than he should because he needs to know that Eddie’s really okay before he drives himself crazy. 

Eddie just stares, unimpressed. 

“You don’t give up, do you?” 

Nope, Buck thinks, though he wouldn’t risk saying it out loud. After a long exasperated sigh, Eddie relents, “I’m fine, Buck.” Like Buck is actually supposed to believe him or something. 

“People who are fine don’t go and see cardiologists,” Buck responds. 

He’s clutching the clipboard in his lap a little too tight and he feels it. The way his knuckles burn, the way his fingertips crease the papers he’s been pretending to focus on all day. He hopes Eddie doesn’t notice. He hopes that he does.

Because Eddie is a lot of things, but he isn’t oblivious. That oblivious. Buck sighs. 

“You need to tell me if something is wrong,” Buck finally says. 

It’s not a request, it’s an order. One that he’s not sure Eddie will follow, but one that he hopes will get the point across. 

Because Buck is scared.  

He’s been terrified ever since Eddie’s blood splattered all over his face, since he watched the nurses shove a tube down his throat and make no promises. Since Eddie sat beside him, alive and well, and trusted him with the most important thing in his life—in Buck’s life. 

That fear has only risen ever since he saw the way Ana smiled up at him during his welcome home and the way Eddie grinned right back, the smile Buck had too long convinced himself was his own. How comfortable she looked mixed in with his family, the family Buck started to consider his. 

He’s scared because he’s never felt so much, so strongly for another person since— No, that’s not right. He’s never felt this way about anyone . 

Eddie isn’t just another person to destroy him, another partner to tell lies and fall away. He isn’t going to be replaced in Eddie’s life just because he has someone else, someone who might know what’s going on in his head and doesn’t have to demand an answer. 

Eddie is different, he always has been. And Buck has to hold onto that. 

He does even when Eddie speaks again. 

“It was a panic attack, not a heart attack,” Eddie sighs as he sits up. Buck knows he’s irritated but he can’t bring himself to care. He has always mildly irritated Eddie, why should this time be any different?

Actually, he finds himself gripping even tighter at the clipboard—at hope— when Eddie admits to it. 

Panic. Of all the things Buck thinks Eddie is going to say, panic isn’t one of them. 

“Since when do you panic?” 

Then he considers the number of times he’s woken up in sweat-soaked sheets that felt too much like Eddie’s blood and tears in his eyes that he can’t seem to wipe away fast enough as they burn his cheeks. The pain of his sobs that still tear through him when he remembers the lost look on Eddie’s face in the firetruck, asking if Buck was okay like it mattered. The feeling of failure when Christopher’s hand patted softly at his shoulder.  

“That’s what I said.”

Something flashes in Eddie’s eyes that looks like surprise, realization, but Buck pushes it aside. He can’t cling to hope too tightly. He knows how that works out for him in the end. 

“I don’t panic,” Eddie huffs and then exhales, “except I did.” 

“Okay, well, what triggered it?” Buck lists off the reasons for his own panic, expecting a match, but Eddie doesn’t stop him to agree. 

He stops him to argue and it isn’t what Buck expects. 

“That wasn’t it,” Eddie interrupts exasperatedly. “If I’m being honest with myself, I—”

When has Eddie ever been dishonest with himself? 

“I think it was Ana.” 

Ana. The name that spirals in Buck’s mind too often when he has to remind himself that Eddie isn’t his. The name that only passes his lips drenched in sarcasm or malice or a thin veil of hope when he doesn’t think too much about what he is saying. 

The name that sparks nerves, anxiety, fear, dread, confusion— 

Panic. 

“Uh,” Buck stutters, hoping his heart beating out of his chest isn’t obvious, “I thought things were great with Ana.” 

He watched Eddie kiss her on the cheek during her surprise visit, watched as Christopher hoped out loud for a new mom, a wife for his father. Sure, he didn’t react exactly how Buck had expected, but he didn’t seem to panic. 

Or he did and Buck was too focused on his own misery to truly see it.

“She’s been a godsend through all of this, staying with Christopher, but… I think that’s what’s causing the panic.” 

He sounds so sure, so confident that there couldn’t be anything else, which is the Eddie that Buck remembers. Buck isn’t sure it’s the Eddie he wants to see at this moment, though. He wants to see Eddie happy, Eddie making plans for his future, Eddie beaming at the thought of being in love with a perfect person, the one that Ana seems to be. He wants Eddie to feel the joy that comes from spending time with him, the way Buck does. 

“Somehow we became a ready-made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” 

He says the other word that haunts Buck’s nightmares. 

Buck always thought he knew what family meant, what family was supposed to be, then his parents stopped caring. Then Maddie left and he was all alone. He thought he had found his family at the one-eighteen soon after and he was happy. God, was he happy, for the first time since he could remember. 

Then he met Eddie. 

Then he met Christopher. 

How defines his family is a little cloudy now. 

“So what are you gonna do?” 

And isn’t that the question of the day, the minute, the seconds that he spends gripping onto the clipboard in front of him to keep his hands from reaching, comforting, desiring. 

Eddie shakes his head. 

“I’m just gonna stick it out. Ana’s been the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon…”

“Stick it out?” 

Buck flashes back to his own attempt at sticking it out. Convincing himself that eventually, Eddie will realize what they mean to each other. His plans to stick it out even if it meant he wouldn’t be as happy as he could be, had pretended he deserved to be. He was going to stick it out because he would have Eddie in whatever way he could. 

“That’s not how you talk about someone you’re in love with.”

Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Eddie anymore. 

“My kid loves her,” Eddie shoots back, heat in his voice that doesn’t match the worry on his face. 

Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Buck anymore. 

“Is that enough?” 

Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them. 

But he does. 

He wants to grab Eddie’s shoulders, shake them until his brain wobbles into sense, kiss him and mutter the words back to him a million times over. 

Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?

Is that enough? Is that enough for you to love me back? Is that enough for you to spend the rest of your life with me instead? For me to stop pretending anyone else is going to be a better fit for me than you? 

Because I love your kid more than anyone in the world, Eddie, and if that’s enough, then… 

Why not me?

Eddie’s silent for a moment too long, a second prolonged into a minute, that might have lasted forever if Buck didn’t break it. 

“Eddie, I’ve been Ana. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not all the way in.”

He thinks of his parents first. Then he thinks of Abby. Even Ali flashes through his tired mind. 

But nothing lingers like Eddie. Nothing has ever lingered like Eddie. 

“Deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth.” 

Buck’s lived through a lot of truths. His parents creating him for spare parts, Abby leaving him and not looking back, Ali unable to handle the one thing he loves most in the world— loved most in the world, past tense because there are two things, two people , that have that title now. 

He’s lived through being in love with his best friend, his best friend’s family, his best friend’s son. He knows what it’s like to hold onto that hope that maybe, just maybe, someone won’t abandon him, someone won’t think he’s not enough. He has held onto the hope that someone loves him—not in the way he wants, but loves him just the same. 

Briefly he wonders if knowing Eddie doesn’t love him back would hurt more than not knowing. 

Buck shakes his head instead of saying any of his thoughts out loud. 

“So if you don’t wanna hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.” 

Buck isn’t sure whether he’s talking to himself or to Eddie. 

“It just feels like a lot, man.” 

And Buck? He knows the feeling all too well. 

#911 #911 spoilers #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie fic #buddiefanfiction #911 fic #911 coda fic #my writing #once again #my brain won't stop being my brain #until ive written a coda #so here you go #YEETS #this is not necessarily a happy one #but its the most accurate one i think ive written

[babesonly]

fic recs 2.0!

hello kings (gn) ive got significantly more fic than last time which means this is gonna be a little more organized than the last post bc it is much longer <3 categories in order are non casefic canonverse, casefic/roadtrip fic, finale fixits, endverse, non supernatural aus, and then non destiel ones. titles will be in bold for my favs! also within each category they’re in order from shortest to longest

Canonverse

I’m a tulip in a cup by godtiering (1.2k)

I worry that I never really came back from hell. I wonder why, if I got remade by heaven, I’m still the same screwed up kid that I always was.

Sometimes I worry I’m not into women at all.

"Guess not,” he looks at his shoes.

a REALLY good fic that’s basically just a look inside dean’s head during my bloody valentine do not read this looking for a fun time but please do read it

on vessels by flightsofangels (1.9k)

“You know,” Cas mutters into Dean’s bare skin. “When I was still… an angel, I used to dream that I would take you as my vessel.”

hello consumehimnatural fans!!!!! read newt’s fic right now its incredible

dean winchester is not a nicholas sparks protagonist by microcomets (1.9k)

Dean fell in love with Cas the way you fall asleep--slowly, and then all at once. Or some other hackneyed and trite bullshit. God, this is embarrassing.

dean is in LOVE. he’s also a disaster who keeps staring at cas’ hands. sigh

Stay by aeli_kindara (2.5k)

Coda to 13.06 (Tombstone). In which Castiel reckons with the aftermath of Dean's grief.

hello fellow widow arc fans <3 click here to see cas find out abt the events of advanced thanatology !

walking on a string by swordfishtrombones (2.7k)

Between the doomed offensive at the Firmament and the impending retreat from the ravaged northeast border, Castiel left camp long enough to answer one of Dean Winchester's prayers.

S6 DEAN IS A WAR WIFE. been really into early seasons deancas lately and this one is very good. god

the flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k)

Ezekiel 39:17 "you shall eat the flesh of the mighty and drink the blood of the princes of the earth."

MY GOD. anyone who saw the @autisticandroids​ purgatory cannibalism talk and was interested read this right now. also anyone who enjoyed nbc hannibal OR raw (2016). if romantic cannibalism is remotely aligned with your interests read this right now. god

Sam Winchester, Ally At Law by alittleduck (3.3k)

Sam was pretty sure he could read every single gay friendly guide to coming out or supporting queer family members ever written and literally none of them would even imply that arguing with gay people that they were actually just homophobic constituted as "ally behavior". However, Sam was equally sure that none of those book authors had found themselves accidentally watching their brother get pounded by an Angel of the Lord at 9 am on Tuesday, so Sam was pretty sure he might actually still have the higher ground. Now, if only Jack would stop trying to bond with Dean using gay slurs long enough for Sam to convince everyone of that, he might just be able to cobble together some remnant of sanity or, failing that, dignity.

Or, the one where Sam desperately wants to invent PFLAG but Dean won't stop teaching Jack gay slurs

JACK VOICE HEY COCKSUCKERS. 

hummed low by microcomets (3.3k)

Dean pulls the Impala over at a cider barn about thirty miles out; doesn't really think about it, just sees the hokey orange lettering off the roadside and lets his hands guide the Impala off the interstate with gravel spitting under the wheels.

they get a nice day out together and dean has a gay crisis and it’s written beautifully mwah

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi (3.9k)

In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything.

sometimes i think about this fic and it hits that at this point dean and cas would have been married for more than a year. cas my beloved...

an exploration of gender; angelic by sometimeswelose (4k)

Castiel's true form is made of electromagnetic radiation. He has spent the majority of his life, if you really want to add it all up and average the whole thing out, as a wavelength of celestial intent.

The thing about being made of light: it's light in the physics sense of the word. Castiel's waves are gamma, x-ray, micro, and radio. He's visible light too, of course, a visible light so intense that it is blinding to most humans.

hello trans cas community <3 he’s literally trans he was assigned genderless and then went hm actually i will be a man! love of my life

Some Boys are Sleeping Alone by prosopopeya (4.2k)

This isn't something that's okay, not for him, but it chases him through the years until it turns into something he can't -- doesn't want to deny. 

ohhh deans tenuous relationship with his sexuality my beloved...

love. worship. consummation. consumption. by redeyedwrath (4.3k)

ConsumehimNatural (copyright marcusantonius) the Series!

These are all snapshots centered around the idea of you know. Hunger in Supernatural. Both carnal hunger and other kinds. Fics are shown in semi-chronological order but this series is generally nebulously early seasons.

for ANYONE who is a consumehimnaturual this is required reading it is INCREDIBLE and gorgeous and very visceral and i am so very obsessed with it. thank you redeyedwrath for enabling my brainrot

the reach of human sense by perilously (4.5k)

“You know what Jimmy Novak looked like. You think he was beautiful—gorgeous, hot, all of it. It’s him. Not me. This isn’t my face.”

“But,” Dean says. He doesn’t know where he’s going with it. Just that Cas’ face is right there, brows drawn together and cheekbones gleaming in the lamplight. It’s a face that’s made his heart skip probably a couple hundred beats collectively since they met.

And it used to belong to someone else.

this one is just very nice <3 cas gets uncomfortable w dean calling him attractive since dean has never seen his trueform and they work it out

Down in the River by Ias (4.7k)

Alone in Purgatory and hunted by Leviathans, Castiel finds himself praying to the one person who can't hear him.

cas i love you <3 cas alone in purgatory praying to dean bc dean is the only thing he still worships i love you so much

Creature of Habit by trinityofone (5.1k)

The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well.

written in s5 when cas was depowered and completely nails the later seasons bitchy husbands dynamic it’s very good and fun <3

sink by crackers4jenn (5.4k)

"Where to?" A 9.06 coda.

very bittersweet very well written and also canon compliant so do not go into this one looking for a happy ending but i DO recommend it it’s very good

Sensational by castiowl (6.1k)

“When I first came to earth, it was advised that we temper the senses bound to our vessels. They were a distraction, we were told. An antiquated form of experiencing existence that would hinder our ability to complete our missions, whatever that may be. My true form can better facilitate these experiences. What you would recognize as heightened senses of sight and sound, among other things.”

Or, how Dean helps Cas experience all five human senses for the first time in one night.

early seasons deancas man. i love the sound part i love dean being so worried about doing a good job with this. god. read this please

Something to Protect by Sass_Master (6.2k)

Dean’s violent reaction to being unexpectedly woken has become something of a running joke among them, but Castiel can’t help but look past it to the underlying cause. It makes him ache to think that Dean feels so unsafe, so persecuted, before he’s even fully conscious.

Secretly, Castiel has been determined to work on that, to ease Dean into awareness in a less jarring way, smooth away one of the many stresses that follow him even in sleep. Now’s as good a time as any to try.

oh to sleep more soundly in the presence of someone you love...this fic is very nice i enjoyed it a lot

all this and heaven too by ftmsteverogers (7k)

“Hey,” Dean said. “I’m not ashamed of you, okay?”

Cas raised skeptical eyes to meet his.

“I mean it,” Dean insisted.

“I understand you mean it,” Cas said. “But I don’t think it’s any better if you’re only ashamed of yourself.”

hello trans dean community here is 7k of trans dean having to deal with his internalized homophobia now that he’s sleeping with cas <3 it is SO good

The wilderness. by orange_crushed (8k)

He takes a shower and the pressure is not especially good, but it doesn’t matter. It’s warm and he stands under the spray a long time. Human skin, he knows, constantly renews itself, shedding the dead cells of the epidermis. He wonders how long it will take until he is an entirely new person, until every cell on his surface is a new one. He looks at his hands under the water. It might take less than a month.

this might be the only post 9x03 fic on here with a happy ending actually? plenty of good melancholy leading up to it though <3 canon divergent after 9x03 though which means no 9x06 fanfiction gap but it is absolutely worth reading

till the juice runs by deathbanjo (8.4k)

Apparently whoever drew up the venn diagram of Dean’s sex life decided the circle labelled ‘good sex’ and the one labelled ‘sex with men’ should be kept far apart.

hello this one is SO funny dean finally gets comfortable enough with his bisexuality to start having sex with men and it goes so very bad every time so sorry about your shitty choices beloved </3

First Date by aeli_kindara (8.9k)

“We should go on a date. You and me.”

Castiel wishes he could see Dean’s face. He wishes he had any idea what to say.

“I’m asking you out, Cas.”

this one is very sweet i liked it a lot <3 good refreshing little fic where they just get to have a nice evening together

Entertaining Strangers by cadignan (9k)

Dean settles on to his side, lying in the bed facing Castiel. “So you had sex without me and you bit all my moves. I think I deserve to hear about it, at least. What was her name?”

op im in love with you. premise is established relationship deancas and cas mentions he did have sex before dean and not only that it was a threesome. good for him <3 this fic is cas describing the story of what led up to the threesome and what happened during it while dean interrupts regularly. incredible

the shape you take by noviembre (10k)

“What?” Dean says, fake-offended. “I’d be hot as a girl, you know I would.”

And this is when he really, really should have stopped talking. When he shouldn't have whipped back around and asked, “Cas, if I was a woman, you’d fuck me, right?”

Because if he hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t have had to deal with this:

Cas, meeting his eyes, forehead wrinkles all smoothed out like there’s nothing to be confused about anymore. Cas with something at the corner of his mouth that might barely be called a smile.

Cas saying, calmly and without hesitation, “Yes, Dean.”

--

Dean Winchester fucks around and, with the inadvertent help of some witches, Finds Out.

dean winchester your gender is diabolical. this fic is insane and its the only thing that matters actually. dean fully convinced its normal and straight to think about being a woman so you can fuck your male friend. incredible. op im proposing to you

Sinnerman by a_good_soldier (10k)

Dean listens to Nina Simone, reads Anne Carson, and makes out with a dude (sort of).

yall want to read about dean realizing he’s in love with a man as a direct result of learning to better respect women right?

you’re fooling yourself by cowboydeanwinchester (13k)

Dean Winchester and Castiel retire from hunting to raise baby Jack. Dean struggles to allow himself the things he truly wants.

Jack is two, Castiel and Dean are idiots, and Sam's gotta solve everyone's problems.

love a married couple who doesn’t know they’re married <3 everyone say thank you sam for bullying dean 

The Girlfriend Experience by rageprufrock (15k)

While it's not like Dean hasn't had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.

a classic for good fucking reason. we’ve all talked about dean thinking holding hands is too gay after having just had gay sex but my personal favorite was sam accusing dean of cheating on cas because dean bought condoms. incredible

No Kingdom To Come by domesticadventures (16k)

“We should fuck,” Dean says.

Cas looks up from where he sits on his bed, hair still damp from the shower, frowning as he places a finger on the page of his book to mark where he left off.

There are a million things Cas could say here; Dean has rehearsed them. After lunch, his restlessness had given way to a vague panic, a dread that matched his every step and crept along with him from room to room. Eventually, he had returned to his bedroom and spent the rest of the afternoon pacing back and forth, playing out all the possible scenarios. When Cas asks him Why? or Are you being serious? or when he sighs and says, in that way he has, Dean, he knows exactly what he’s going to do. He’s going to shrug casually, like he isn’t invested in the answer, like he isn’t desperate for an outlet, and say, Why not? He’s going to raise an eyebrow and say, What, are you not interested? He’s going to crowd into Cas’ personal space, he’s going to shove himself right up in there and whisper Cas against his ear.

Instead, Cas says, carefully, “Okay.”

literally the only quarantine fic i’ve ever bothered to read in any fandom and completely worth it it’s SO good. they become fwb and dean has an existential crisis and he keeps bringing up meaninglessness and death during sex

Bodies by Speary (18k)

It was a secret they never acknowledged even with each other. It would change everything, end everything if either of them ever dropped the act. So they became very good at acting, at keeping up the lie that gave them what they wanted. Even if that lie involved constantly seeking out temporary, consenting female vessels, Cas would do it. He told himself it was worth it for Dean. He just hoped that he could stop wanting more, or maybe one day Dean might stop pretending that he wasn't really sleeping with Cas every time.

i don’t even have anything to add tbh if that summary did not immediately make you click we are very different this fic is incredible. god. fellas do you ever make yourself a woman so you can fuck the man you love without him having to talk about it or confront his sexuality

it’s such a mystery (the way you know me) by fleeceframe (20k)

So the man crouching in front of Castiel is named Dean. He wonders if that’s supposed to mean something to him.

“Cas must’ve got hit with something earlier. He just dropped like a sack of fucking potatoes a minute ago. By the time I was checking on him, he had already woken up again, but now he doesn’t fucking know who we are.”

“I’m right here you know,” Castiel says testily.

Sam’s eyes are wide even as his eyebrows are furrowed, and he looks between Dean and Castiel again.

“What do you remember, Cas?”

“Firstly, that I’m not Cas. I don’t know who Cas is, but it’s not me. I don’t know who either of you are, either."

or the one where castiel is hit with a memory curse that makes him forget the winchester brothers and is stunned to find out he has a family... also why can't he stop thinking about dean?

BEST amnesia fic oh my god. cas my beloved you deserve the world. everyone read this that is not a request.

More Than Ever by Sass_Master (20k)

Dean’s getting some pancakes together for breakfast when Cas saunters in after a run.

He’s trying to focus on whisking batter, unfairly distracted by Cas a few feet away, breathing heavily and shining with perspiration. Dean’s been painfully aware for a long time that Cas is pretty easy on the eyes, but he’s used to seeing Cas buttoned-up and unflappable, looking straight-laced in a stiff oxford and an unflattering trenchcoat.

Now Cas is sweating, Dean’s borrowed t-shirt clinging to his skin, flushed from exertion and Dean really can’t deal with that in his kitchen right now.

this entire series is really good i enjoyed it a lot, i’m just putting this one specifically on the list bc the rest of the series is very explicit and this is really good as a standalone for anyone who wouldn’t be into the rest of the series!!

Being Dean Winchester by Anonymous (20k)

"You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in."

Who the fuck was this bitchy "warrior of God" doing talking to him like that? Fuck Cas-tee-el and his dumbass trench coat and abrasive motherfucking attitude.

Dean was done with this shit.

***

Wherein a monster of the week steals the essence of Castiel's vessel, so he must use Dean, recently raised from hell, as a vessel instead.

it is at this point i realize that there are more fics than i expected there to be on this list that involves a threesome with only two people/using the presence of a female body to act like what’s happening is heterosexual. deangirlism is a disease 

I Shall Not Want by domesticadventures (20k)

His grace is burning out, and the wasteland it leaves inside him becomes an echo chamber for all the memories, all the fear and doubt and self-loathing he's collected over the years. Things said and done hound him on endless repeat until he's convinced they’ll break through his skin and fill the silence of the bunker.

His head is killing him, and he sits hunched over an open book, not really reading, just digging his fingers into his skull and praying nothing slips through the cracks.

this one is GORGEOUS i love it so so much. dean and cas are both struggling so much to get by and they’re trying to support each other but fucking it up and they have to grow together and learn to cope with the fact that this is where their lives are and they fall in love i need everyone to read this

To Boldly Go by 8daysuntiltheapocalypseiguess (24k)

Title: Just One of Those Things Author: Impala67 Series: TOS Rating: M Summary: Four years into their five-year mission, and all the planets start to look the same.

In which Dean is not Gene Roddenberry, but he does write Star Trek fanfiction.

mx winchester writing star trek fanfiction to process his own trauma <3 this is a wip but it’s SO good and i also have not consumed a single piece of star trek media so it IS definitely readable to anyone who isn’t a star trek fan. please read this

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo (30k)

“Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.”

this is on here just for the 1.5 people who were putting off this one like i did for no reason. it’s extremely good and it is just gentle. i enjoyed it a lot

Heroes for Ghosts by pantheon_of_discord (42k)

After Sam and Dean are arrested, Castiel is left alone and scrambling to find them. He knows they’re locked away in a government facility, and he’s still able to hear their prayers, but no matter how he tries Castiel can’t seem to track them. He chases leads and even attempts to hunt on his own, but Mary is AWOL, Crowley refuses to help, and Castiel’s options are running out.

Weeks pass, Castiel’s hope dwindles, and through it all Dean prays, keeping them connected. His voice is comforting, frustrating, and occasionally annoying, but in his solitude Castiel comes to cherish it. But then one day, without warning, Dean stops praying, and Castiel is forced to confront some uncomfortable truths about his feelings.

yall ever wonder what it would’ve been like if the sam and dean arrest storyline in s12 was interesting? yeah <3

Teaching Poetry to Fish by aeli_kindara (52k)

In which Castiel teaches poetry to fish. Also, himself. Also, eventually, Dean.

(A series-long story, diverging slightly from canon after S14.)

cas learning about humanity through poetry before dean and thats what led to him developing enough emotion to be lobotomized....cas i love you so much

Emergence by ellispark (58k)

Something’s been missing from Dean’s life for the past three years, a void left after a hunt gone terribly wrong. He often feels a sense of longing with no discernible cause, a need to talk to someone who isn’t there.

A call from an acquaintance leads Dean to James Novak, a man who disappeared more than a decade ago, and suddenly Dean gets the feeling he’s found what he’s been missing. But James isn’t really James — he’s the angel Castiel, who’s wanted by angels, demons and hunters alike. And he may be at the center of the storm that wrecked Dean’s life all those years ago.

another cool amnesia fic!! for unknown reasons everyone forgot cas three years ago but cas didn’t forget anything. cas deserves so much love and support. god

a turn of the earth by microcomets (95k)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

cas getting to meet and fall in love with pre hell dean just as much as he loves the dean he already knows oh my GOD. i love this fic so much. turn of the earth my beloved

Crossing Lines by sometimeswelose (122k)

Two Deans, one Cas - it's not as sexy as it sounds

Or

An ethics lesson from Hell

Or

The one where Dean from the past meets Dean in the present. They're not sure they like each other very much.

deans intense self hatred vs cas’ unwavering love for every version of dean oh my GOD also this is a wip fair warning but it’s so worth waiting for updates i’m having such a great time with this one i cannot wait to see how it gets ended

Plot Holes by saltyfeathers (160k)

Of course it wasn’t over after the apocalypse.

There was season six. Then there was season seven. Against all expectations, there was season eight. There were the alphas and purgatory, and then the Leviathans, and then the angels fell. Enter season nine. Loose threads Metatron, Abaddon, and Crowley have to be tied up. Sam, Dean, and Cas have to try to tie them while at the same time dealing with their evolving relationships and newfound graceless states.

Amidst all the chaos, someone has started publishing the Supernatural novels again. Convinced there’s something amiss in the pages, Charlie starts her own quest to suss out the truth behind the Winchester Gospels.

With the help of various faces, old and new, they must now not only deal with the typical runs of demons and recently fallen angels, but also reconcile the battles raging inside themselves, as the fate of the world, once again, quite literally lays in the palm of their hands.

saltyfeathers said i WILL make the plot holes in this show mean something because the showrunners are sure as shit never gonna adress them ! and i thank them for it bc this was a really cool read

Casefic/Roadtrip Fic

Deprived Of Every Planet by KelpietheThundergod (9k)

Dean's breathing is audible in the scant space between them, irregular. The motel room is dark, pale blue shadows falling in through the gaps in the blinds. Throwing a pattern of uneven white stripes over the bunched up covers. Over Dean's fingers twisted in the sheets. One half of him in shadow, softened by the dark. The heat of his skin. The tremble of him under Castiel's touch.

He caresses a hand over Dean's chest, slowly. Dean's mouth falls open, his body arching into Castiel's touch. Castiel stops over Dean's heart. Through the fever of his desire, he rejoices about the wonder of experiencing another's heartbeat through one's own senses.

Dean gasps, but then he turns his face away and towards the dark. Eyes closed tight and brows furrowed like something is hurting him.

Castiel stills.

“Dean?”

the case is background on this one but it Does take place over the course of a case so im putting it here. god touchstarved dean trying so hard to work through his shit for cas head in my hands i love this fic so much

before and after breakfast by spocklee (10k)

The monster of the week is a ghost who hates meat, alcohol, and feeling yourself. Guess who it is during the commercials.

chapter 2 of this one.....god. dean and cas you are both so unwell <3 i love everything abt this fic everyone read it now

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon (15k)

Dean’s always known things were headed this way. He just figured getting dragged under would be cleaner and easier than jumping in feet-first.

fics that make you go Oh they love each other...also there’s lesbians in it literally what else could you want.

thunder road by dothraki_shieldmaiden (20k)

After Chuck is defeated and the Winchesters settle into life without God, Dean Winchester is bored.

OR: Dean and Cas take a road trip and figure out some stuff along the way.

this fic is just like. it’s kind! this fic is kind it’s just a pleasant experience and i enjoyed it thoroughly. they’re in love and it’s good

Suck It, Judy Garland by GlitterDwarf, midrashic (20k)

It had to be St. Louis. Or, the one where Sam and Cas get fake married for a case, and Dean loses his mind.

actually im gonna defend dean here imagine youre dean and cas gives what definitely sounded like a deathbed love confession while making eye contact with you and then immediately afterwards fake dates your brother. who among us would not have been a bitch about this

best friends without benefits by lizbobjones (20k)

It’s nearing three a.m. and they’ve been on the road a long time. Sam’s been asleep in the back seat since eleven. Giving up and handing the wheel over to Cas and letting the guy who doesn’t sleep drive had seemed like a good idea.

the premise of this fic is so funny. cas voice dean you want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid. everyone read this

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (22k)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

alt version of getting rid of the mark of cain, the darkness never happens. this one is VERY heavy but it’s so good and it has a hopeful ending. ive read this one twice and loved it both times

Someone Who’s Feeling For Me by ellispark (45k)

Dean sees her for the first time in nearly six years in some no-name town in Idaho, and it's panic at first sight.

Lisa Braeden, the one woman Dean ever actually had a shot at a real life with, back from where he buried her in his mind. And her hand is on Cas's arm like it's no big deal, like it belongs there. Cas, Dean's dorky, sweet, badass, angelic best friend, and he's just standing there next to Lisa and not moving her hand away.

Dean feels the jealousy rising, and it's not directed where he expected it to be. Because it takes this exact moment for Dean to realize he's in love with his best friend. He's in love with his best friend, and Lisa is looking at Cas like he's the best thing since automatic rifles, and Dean is utterly fucked.

hello op please contact me. please contact me and let me see the inside of your brain. this fic was an unparalleled experience and everyone should also go through it. i love it so very much

Bumper Cars by mansikka (111k)

Two teenagers are missing from an abandoned carnival, and there’s enough to raise suspicion that their disappearance involves a ghost. Dean, Sam, and Cas arrive in town to investigate, though what they find leads them away from those teenagers, and on the trail of a ghost story that churns up things from their past.

Can newly-human Cas, and Dean, with the help of shipper!Sam, work out the mystery behind the abandoned carnival and its ghost, and along the way, figure out the riddle that is them?

one of my absolute fav case fics it forces dean to confront some aspects of johns parenting and work through some shit and also him and cas fall in love and it’s really well done. love this one a lot <3

Finale Fix-its/Finale Denial

Sorry Jimmy by K_K_TiBal (2.1k)

Based on the tumblr textpost:

jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

this one is just extremely funny. local midwestern heterosexual man is forced to play relationship counselor to the dumbest gay people in existence because one of them wore his face

Dean Winchester Really Needs To Make Some Gay Friends by AreYouReady (2.2k)

“Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.

“What is it, Cas?”

“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.

“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?”

There was no way the answer to this question wasn’t funny as hell.

dean learning about gay ppl via the memories of dean smith...incredible.

tiny difference (between ending and starting to begin) by sunforgrace (2.4k)

Sometimes Dean catches Cas staring at the sky.

It doesn’t happen often. Not when Dean’s around to tell, anyway. But often enough that he starts to notice.

Eventually Dean starts to recognize the pattern.

Cas just doesn’t watch the sky. He watches the birds.

Chuck is gone, Cas is human, and the world is safe. In the quiet aftermath Dean and Castiel find each other again.

i really don’t have much to say abt this one it is just very good and they love each other so much

Bring Home by cenotaphy (3.8k)

Dean's phone doesn't ring on the drive back to the Bunker, but that's okay. Because—well, maybe Cas lost his cell, what with getting shuffled back and forth between a cosmic void dimension and all. And anyway, Dean doesn't want this conversation to happen over the phone, he wants to—he wants to talk to Cas face-to-face. They should talk face-to-face.

Dean will tell him—

Dean doesn't know what he'll tell Cas. Dean is, in fact, terrified by how utterly and completely he does not know what he'll say to Cas.

cas being forced to face the consequences of sending the risky text that was despair <3

dean’s coworkers vs the heteronormative agenda by cowboydeanwinchester (4.1k)

Dean started working at a local auto repair shop in Lebanon, Kansas about a year ago. His coworkers don't know much about him. Except that he has a wife. Or maybe he doesn't. But he has a kid. Who is either a toddler or a high schooler. Who is either named Jack or Sammy. He also might have a best friend named Cas, but that also might be his wife.

Truth is nobody knows what to make of Dean.

obsessed w people not knowing a single fucking thing about dean because he talks so much and never explains anything. this fic is SO funny

Enhanced Extraction Techniques by goldenraeofsun (5.8k)

The Empty takes Meg’s shape, Samandriel’s, Duma’s, every one of the thousands of angels Cas killed up in heaven. But in the middle of lecturing Cas in the form of Balthazar, it explodes in a burst of light and sound.

Dean Winchester stands in the aftermath.

the empty playing mind games on an awake cas bc it can’t put him to sleep is a thing i like a lot and this is very very good 

Speak Silence No More by rea_sunshine (8.1k)

When Dean imagined this moment, it went like this:

Dean bursts into the Empty—guns blazing, chin high, righteous anger coursing through him. No matter what form his plans and fantasies and whiskey-drunk-whispered-promises took, he is always, always successful. When he imagined it, he was finally the hero Cas deserved.

The reality of the moment is this:

It’s fucking cold.

dean and cas STILL managing to not communicate with each other properly after the confession is so funny to me and this fic does it really well. also i like that a human being in the empty, where humans do NOT belong, had some like. consequences

my heart is a compass by lagaudiere (10k)

“There you are,” the Empty says, in Dean’s voice. It’s cold, like Dean’s eyes are cold, his expression set in contempt. It’s the expression Cas feared, he realizes, all the times he thought about saying it. Revulsion. It makes him feel sick in the way that goes beyond physical, here where there is nothing physical left.

The moment before it happened had been so sweet it covered up all the hurt. For years, Cas had been holding back those words, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying them. And now he had said it, and he knew that it was good, knew that it was worth it. But on the other side there is only this.

--

In the Empty, Cas dreams of his regrets, until someone comes looking for him.

one of thee best dean rescues cas from the empty fics out there i love the way his memories are written i love how many of them were ones that this fic came up with to give me new things to have brainworms over instead of just making me more fixated on He Watched Him Rake Leaves than i already am

killing time by orestespdf (11k)

It's been four years since Dean saved Cas from the Empty and confessed his feelings in return, and in their Vermont lakehouse, the retired couple is now learning how to heal. One morning, Dean gives Cas a haircut.

(A character study of Castiel.)

perfect fic perfect fic no notes no complaints they love each other so much and now dean is giving cas a haircut and they’re spending the day together. god.

and every time we kiss, i swear i can fly by knameless (14k)

Every time, Dean tells himself it’s the last.

--

aka, twelve times dean and cas kiss.

a just boy best friends kiss for every season <3 mwah

for which no words exist by MediaWhore (14k)

'a prayer for which no words exist' // richard siken

"Dear Cas who art in my bathtub, give me the strength to be honest about how I feel. For your sake and for mine. Forgive me all the times I wasn’t in the past, all the words I should have said but didn’t. And please stay. Please stay with me when all is said and done. Amen. "

Dean rescues a newly human Cas from the Empty. That's the easy step.

mediawhore i am in LOVE with you oh my god this fic. this fic. dean taking care of cas after rescuing him dean wrapping cas in a blanket oh my GOD

swimming with the fish pond fish by februyuri (17k)

Some time between Dean bleeding out on a makeshift hook in a barn in Ohio and Sam making marshmallows on his funeral pyre, Dean was brought back to life. By Castiel. Again. Dean agreed to it if only to give Jack time to work out the glitches up top. So, now Dean’s back in the land of the living and things are ... actually good, for once.

Or, as good as they can be when demons are attacking Earth, Dean’s failing to get over why he died in the first place, and Cas is suddenly, inexplicably taking every opportunity to casually tell Dean that he loves him.

this is a wip! but it is so good and so worth the read i love it a lot and am very excited for the last chapter. it IS pretty heavy though dean has a LOT to work through

looking like a true survivor (feeling like a little kid) by courfeyrac (20k)

"Jack’s a clever kid—has been ever since he was born, maybe even before that—but Dean’s pretty sure he hasn’t figured out where they’re going yet. And Dean’s… Dean’s excited about it. He remembers planning surprises for Sammy when they were little—saving up quarters and sneaking off to the arcade the year he turned seven, or slipping a book Dean had seen Sammy admiring into his jacket before sprinting out of the store the year he turned twelve. There was only so much Dean could give him back then, hindered by lack of finances and transportation and a father who paid attention. Now, though, Dean’s got a wallet full of cash, a tank full of gas, and the freedom to give his kid the kind of birthday he deserves."

Or, it's Jack's fourth birthday, and the kid wants to go to Build-A-Bear.

EVERYONE READ THIS RIGHT NOW. that is not a request this fic undid me. oh my god. oh my god. they’re a family and they’re going to build a bear and they love each other. oh my god. also no it isn’t a baby jack fic he is 4 and he is also alcal

what’s missing is found (our souls can exhale now) by sobsicles (27k)

It's not the first time Claire has ever gone missing. It is, however, the first time Kaia panics about it. Dean's dragged into the mess, but he soon finds that it's the best thing that could have happened to him.

~~~

"But have you ever just met someone and maybe it wasn't from the first moment, maybe it was after all these other moments that meant more than you ever expected them to, and it seems like your soul just—just—" Kaia makes a helpless gesture with her hands, pushing out, and she breathes out loudly. "Like it can finally exhale. And that person isn't guaranteed to make you happy, but they're—they're important. You just know it, you can't even escape it, you can't let them go. Ever met someone like that, Dean?"

"I—" Dean halts, his mouth hanging open. He's looking at Kaia, who's looking at him, and his heart is fluttering in his throat like a caged bird aching to soar again. His mind threatens to spiral out of control, but he focuses, swallowing hard. "Yeah. Um. I—yeah, I have."

deancas AND dreamhunter we love to see it also dean DOES smoke weed with kaia and apologizes for pulling a gun on her what more could you want in a fic

Command Me To Be Well by prospopeya (28k)

Dean did a lot of thinking about when and how he would get Cas back. Months of it, actually, stretching into a year, because while Sam and Eileen were settling into their new lives, Dean was stuck. He was stuck in a faraway corner of the bunker, dark and empty and hollow, ringing with the sound of a vibrating phone.

So when he falls to his knees in that same room, exhausted, hurting, breathless, and he feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Cas, he realizes that he doesn't have a single clue about what to do now. Getting Cas out had been easy--actually, it'd been the opposite of that--but the planning of it, the methodical desperation of one attempt after the other had been a familiar rhythm. It'd been soothing almost, solid, something to focus on that wasn't Cas's eyes, watery and jubilant in a way Dean hadn't ever seen that up close on anyone, let alone Cas.

And now Cas is pulling him to his feet, and Dean's stumbling, and he instinctually grabs Cas's arm, and his hand lights up with a fire that he isn't prepared for.

"Hello, Dean."

oh post despair lack of communication....oh dean refusing to work through his feelings...this fic is incredible i love it everyone who enjoys dean doing everything in his power to avoid talking about feelings up to and including having sex with the guy who’s in love with him multiple times should read this

break the skin (to break the barriers) by sobsicles (29k)

The first time she meets him, he's nothing more than an almost-missed appointment.

SOBSICLES TATTOO FIC MY BELOVED. dean grieving and getting tattoos and it turns into tattoo therapy. im SO in love with mitzi it’s insane. requires some suspension of disbelief for how long a tattoo takes but it’s an incredible fic and an unparalleled experience. sobsicles does not miss

ascend by quiettewandering (53k)

Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?

SUPER cool concept i liked this a lot i’m pretty sure everyone’s read it already but just in case someone hasn’t you absolutely should

oh sooner or later it all comes down to faith by sobsicles (62k)

Getting used to Heaven is something of a marvel. It ain't perfect, and Dean thinks he'd hate it if it was, which is probably why it isn't.

~~~

"You don't understand," Dean whispers, exhaling shakily. "I know you don't, because even I don't. The instant you were gone, I wanted you back. Cas, I wanted you back. I wanted—I wanted—"

Cas stares at him, searching his face. After a moment, his own face falls slack, eyes widening just so. "Oh," he breathes out.

Dean wants to be furious that Cas has figured it out before he has—whatever it is—but he's not even that surprised. Cas knows him too well, always has, even more than Dean knows himself. He's been kicking Dean in the goddamn teeth with how deeply he understands him, even about the things Dean doesn't, ever since they first met. You don't think you deserve to be saved, that's what Cas had said. All bundled up in impossibilities and power, this being that looked at Dean Winchester and knew every single inch of him, as if he had a right to each part.

"What?" Dean grits out.

"I love you, too."

the ONLY heaven fic. i do not read heaven fics bc i refuse to budge in my finale denialism i refuse to read fic where it is accepted that dean dies. i was hesitant to read this but god im glad i did it was so good. literally the best possible outcome of dean dying

Endverse

final fantasy. by orange_crushed (1.9k)

“If I’d actually been born human, would I have gotten sick like everyone else? Would I be running around gnawing on the neighbors?” Castiel tilts his head up and even from here Dean can see the black ring of his pupils, wide and dark as dead stars. He’s high as fuck and he’s been loading the guns for forty-five minutes. He stares into the space where Dean is. He smiles and shows his teeth. “Maybe you’d have already put a bullet in my head.”

"This is why you don’t lead storytime anymore," Dean says. "This kind of shit."

endverse last night on earth fics are something that can be so personal actually. god

The Last Song by Moorishflower (3.5k)

The very last song is the Song of Solomon, and Castiel sings it only for Dean. Set in "The End."

this is like. pre endverse and the tone is so like. wistful? is the best word ive got? it’s gorgeous i love it but fair warning there is graphic description of like. viscera and infected wounds

to think that we could stay the same by cipherwriter (6.5k)

cas has all he needs; himself, his creation, and enough power to continue this cycle for a long time. he's fine. dean wants to take care of him anyway.

oh my GOD this one is good it’s based off the thing of how originally endverse cas was supposed to be just sitting in a room killing and resurrecting the same cockroach over and over. very bittersweet at some points i love it a lot, do not read it if youre looking for something happy though lmao

the first church at the end of the world by withbloodstainedclothingon (11k)

The angels don’t eat the brain. Only Croats do that.

this one is fucked but it’s incredible it contains very heavy and violent subject matter and cas is an Actual cult leader he doesn’t just have orgies it is SO well done and i had a great time reading it i recommend it very highly if the warnings sound like something you can stomach

Down to Agincourt by seperis (1.1 million. i know. yes it’s a wip)

There is no such thing as a guarantee when it comes to war.

The outcome's known. Why try? Return your rusty sword to battered sheath, bow your head and bend your stubborn knee. Why take the field when you cannot win the war? But Harry -- he went down to Agincourt.

PLEASE. i know the length is intimidating i KNOW it’s a very long fic but please. please read down to agincourt i am begging you. head in my HANDS this series is incredible.

Non Supernatural AUS

Long-Term Relationship by bendingsignpost (2.7k)

Castiel says, budging over to make room for Dean on the couch, “I thought we should have a serious talk about our relationship.”

Reflexively, Dean laughs.

Castiel does not.

“Uh, Cas... you know we’re not dating, right?”

look man it’s bendingsignpost okay. it’s bendingsignpost it’s good and it’s sweet and you should read it

One White Lie by komodobits (11k)

Castiel takes a deep breath and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t need to run through what he’s going to say – he’s already planned and edited and rehearsed it a thousand times. He is going to ask Dean Winchester out to dinner. If it’s not too forward, he’ll say, perfectly charming. You see, I’ve seen you around the neighbourhood and you always seem so earnest and I’d really like to get to know you bette— The door swings open, and Castiel panics.

He intends to excuse himself. He means to apologise and come back some other time. However, in a moment of blind fear, what comes out of his mouth instead are the words, “Could you spare a moment for Jesus Christ?”

do you ever pretend to be a jehovahs witness for months to hang out with the guy you like because you fucked up asking him out? yeah.

separate ways and sleeping dogs by sobsicles (53k)

Dean is three years sober when Cas comes back into town.

~~~

For a moment, they just stare at each other. Dean, once again, has to swallow the urge to offer to swallow something else. It's very hard to resist the gut-wrenching pull of want that hooks in his chest whenever he looks at Cas. And to think, he used to have him, used to be able to act on that want.

God, he's so fucking stupid.

Well, there's no point in kicking himself three years later for shit he can't change. He'll just sit right here and pretend that his fingers aren't twitching with the urge to reach out and touch. He can't do that anymore, and it's his own damn fault.

"Three years ago," Cas prompts.

Dean huffs a weak laugh. "Yeah. Eventful."

this fic hit me SO hard emotionally oh my god. don’t have much to say bc most of my thoughts on this fic are very personal but my god read this please

Everyone’s a Critic by Englandwouldfall (109k)

The one where uninspired chef Dean Winchester has a one night stand with the male (!) food critic who described the flavour of his garlic bread as 'closeted' and accidentally ends up dating him to try and prove that he's a kick ass chef, thank you very much.

(He may have a point about the 'closeted' thing).

this one is SO fun. dating the food critic who called your garlic bread closeted and lying about your career because you’re embarrassed and you want to redeem your food in his eyes but then you fall in love with him

Non Destiel Centric

gender? you mean that thing i have that pisses people off? by bigender dean winchester (homosexualitie) (946 words)

sam and dean paint each other's nails and dean abuses the technicalities of her gender. what more could you want? 

HELLO HE/SHE DEAN COMMUNITY oh my god the pure rush of euphoria reading this. oh my god. oh my god. 

the quiet road to a distant city by rottingbrains (1.2k)

Sam stares out the windshield again. They’re approaching a city, and she can see the lights in the distance. She’s past the danger zone, and she feels like the world around her reflects that in some way she can’t put into words- as if God is telling her that it’s okay. She did the right thing, and soon she will be past the lonely unknown and into the warm, forgiving light of acceptance. Or something. Come to think of it, the lights only look warm from far away, and she knows that the actual city will seem far less welcoming. Still. Best not to imagine the worst when it’s already going well.

required reading for transfem lesbian sam fans. fics that live in your ribcage to make your heart feel good

Four People Ruby Seduced & One She Actually Fell For (Or: Ruby's Epic Love Affair with Humanity in General and Sam in Specific) by tuesday (3.7k)

In which Ruby has a lot of sex, is not any kind of therapist that would be legal, and helps a few people out for her own reasons. (S4/S5 AU)

for everyone out there who enjoys ruby being a girlboss <3

Fractured Link by Trell (orphan_account) (5.5k)

Meg goes on, resolute despite the way Dean flinches, "He likes me. He likes me a lot, and I like him back, and that's probably good enough for both of us. But fuck me for saying so, Dean-o, he loves you, probably more than anything else on his daddy's green Earth, and you need to man up and give back what Clarence over there has been devoting to you for years."

this is meg/dean/cas which is not smth i really seek out but this was extremely good. set in s7 so it’s meg and dean and honey cas and it’s a lot of dean figuring his shit out and trying to forgive cas and i love meg a lot in this

#spn #supernatural #destiel #deancas #mine

[ad1thi]

2020 fic recs!! [Part 1]

this idea was stolen from @iam93percentstardust cuz i just,,,thought that this year was absolute shit and it would be nice to make a fic rec list of fics from this year that helped me through it. this will be over a range of fandoms and ships, but all fics were written this year. 

fics are ordered by the month they were published. ive tried to keep to five fics per month, but this is not obviously all the fics ive read that month - i just didn’t want to make this insanely long. 

im releasing the first half of this on the 1st of December, and the second half on the 1st of January 2021 - because otherwise it would just get so long (and also so i will actually have fics for December)

happy reading!! hopefully you find fics on this you haven’t read yet

***

January

The cat is mighty dignified (until the dog comes by): @five-wow

Steve and Danny find them on the pillow in the corner of the dining area, where Eddie is on his side, ass half on the floor because the pillow is more cat-sized than lab-sized, and Pickles is nestled between Eddie’s front legs, essentially being spooned and looking very I-got-the-cream about it. Pickles’ head is tucked into the crook of Eddie’s neck and Eddie’s head slots perfectly on top of Mr. Pickles’, like a furry jigsaw puzzle.

“They’re cuddling,” Steve points out, unnecessarily.

Or: There is a love story unfolding under the McGarrett roof.

Captain ‘Socialist Rage Muffin’ America: @baffledkingcomposinghallelujah

It takes three months of dating Steve Rogers for Tony to understand why Aunt Peggy once shot at him in sheer frustration.

Alternately titled, Honey, I committed treason again.

The Best Laid Plans (Of Mice and Men): @arboreal-elm-ash-oak

His Dark Materials AU

It was Annalise who noticed their small visitor first.

“Tony,” the spider daemon said softly, skittering up the collar of his dress shirt, two of her eight legs resting delicately against his cheek, “Don’t startle them, but I believe we have a guest. Look, by the coffee table.”

Fourteen Million to One: @tunastorks

Six months after Thanos, six months after Tony’s death, six months after Steve returns to his own timeline, Tony Stark turns up on their doorstep.

Brewed Awakening: @iam93percentstardust

Two years after he comes out of the ice, Steve is drifting through life. On his teammate's recommendation, he decides to go back to school where he meets the grandson of an old friend. He finds happiness with Tony but Steve won't be in Boston forever and someone is out to hurt the Starks. Will Steve and Tony be able to reach their happily ever after?

February

the young, the reckless and the foolish: @bruciewayne

In most universes, they don't know each other, not in the slightest, or they hate each other, in a way that's perfectly logical for anyone who were to find themselves in a similar situation.

In this one, they've known each other since they were four years old and naively idealistic.

This is them over the years, against the odds.

a giant sign: @areiton

“Think you can get him to open the weapons division up again?” his CO asks, his voice hungry and Rhodey laughs because this--

“No. Tony hung up his weapons.”

“That’s not what the suit says,” his CO objects, and Rhodey shrugs.

Tony has always had rules, rules he expects the entire world to live by.

And then there was Rhodey, slipping under them.

my heart is driftwood, floating down your coast: @nethandrake

Tonight, there’s a stranger in his backseat. That’s not unusual.

He’s also sad. That’s not unusual either.

What is unusual is that the stranger is silent.

(One night, a stranger enters Steve's taxi. Nothing is the same again.)

Just A Cold: @/delighted 

There’s a new text waiting for him. It’s from Steve of course, and it’s vaguely threatening as most messages from Steve are these days. Still Danny ignores it, and now he’s really playing with fire. Maybe it’ll burn the cold out of him.

Or, Danny’s sick, and Steve can’t stay away. The usual comfort fluff. With a little cameo from a gently meddling Grace.

An Unexpected Guide: @/Rachel500

Danny Williams has hidden his Guide status to keep being a detective, but his time of hiding is up when he unexpectedly finds his Sentinel, Steve McGarrett in the midst of a tragedy.

March

Why don’t we (Collide the spaces that divide us): @five-wow

When they finally catch sight of each other again through the milling crowds, they’re both a little worse for wear. Danny’s left side is covered in glitter and every time he brushes a hand over his hair, more blue and purple confetti rains down. Steve is- Well, Steve is randomly shirtless, which is all things considered not excessively remarkable, but he’s also covered in smudges of colorful paint and has a very nicely printed bloodred lipstick kiss mark on his cheek.

“What did you do?” Danny asks, because it looks like Steve had a lot more fun than he did.

Or: Steve and Danny accidentally end up in the middle of something entirely new.

A Little Unsteady: @finduilasclln 

Written for the Tumblr prompt meme : "Hey! I was gonna eat that!"

Tony lashes out at Bucky for eating his dessert. Only, it really isn't about the dessert.

a national treasure: @starklysteve

Steve isn't looking for an apple and Tony decides his passion is to inspire young souls. -x- OR: the AU where Tony is a Youtuber and Steve is Captain America and somehow they still save the world together.

April

cycle through: @ambivalentmarvel

Twenty-five years ago, Tony Stark disappeared from his family home a month after the tragic deaths of his parents, Howard and Maria Stark, leaving a billion-dollar tech conglomerate without an heir and the world wondering what happened.

Twenty-three years ago, HYDRA gained another super soldier.

Ten years ago, Peter Parker’s parents died in what is ruled as a home invasion gone wrong but he knows was murder, plain and simple, because he spoke to the killer.

And in the present, Project Insight fails, and the Iron Soldier pays the price.

FOREVER-LOVE YOU-I: @/Eudoxia

Tony Stark is twenty-one when he loses his voice. It shouldn't matter, but in a world where the first words your Soulmate says to you are marked on your skin, it can be pretty damn annoying.

Especially for Tony's soulmate.

--

Companion piece to my fic Thumb, Index, and Pinky Extended. This is Steve's POV, with a few extra scenes, as a treat.

(Edit: Sorry if you guys get multiple notifications for this. I just realized (about two hours after posting it) that I fucked up the grammar in the title and I HAD to fix it. YOLO, I guess.)

come build a home out of me: @maguna-stxrk

Steve clears his throat.

“What if I went with you?” he asks nonchalantly, like his heart isn’t threatening to beat out of his ribcage.

Tony blinks a few times, looking at Steve, his mouth ajar. “As a— As my date?”

“Yeah.” Steve nods, feeling a little breathless.

“You don’t mind?” Tony furrows his eyebrows.

“I don’t. In fact, you can just tell them I’m your boyfriend. I’m sure they’ll back off, wouldn’t they?”

What.

“I— Huh?” Tony stares at him, brown eyes blown wide open.

What. What. What.

“Huh? Uh, I mean— You know, that way people will see that you have definitely moved on. Monica will see that you have moved on. Right?” Steve smiles, hoping that it masks his inner panic, because what?

Steve Rogers, what have you done?

i don’t have a choice (but i’d still choose you): @nethandrake

There’s a name inked onto his chest, a name written in an all-too familiar scrawl. And it’s— It’s—

Steve doesn’t realize his body is quaking until he’s tracing the tattoo with a shaky finger.

Because of course that is the name etched into the skin. Like a brand, a reminder for everything he has done. An appropriate retribution.

Anthony Edward Stark.

(When Thanos snaps half of the universe away, he unknowingly leaves the other half with soulmarks.)

ua haʻalele ʻoe iaʻu (a ua hoʻomālamalama ʻoe iaʻu): @just-fandomthings

"The truth is, I was shot in the chest and nearly died, and not even three days after I was released from the hospital, you up and left-- and of those two, I'm not sure which one hurt me worse!"

(Coda to 10x22 because come on, we all need a better ending than the one given to us.)

Title loosely translates to: "You left me in the dark (you lit me up)" -- inspired by the brilliant song "Say You Won't Let Go" by James Arthur

May

A Piece Of The Past: @hddnone

It had been so many years since Bucky had gone undercover in the Stark family's mob, he thought he'd gotten away clean.

Then Tony Stark slid into the seat across from him at his breakfast diner, and Bucky's boss has a new case for him.

the privilege of loving you: @starklysteve

“Why won’t you let me touch you?”

It’s a desperate plea, half-shouted and half-whispered, Steve’s voice cracking at the end. Tony stops in his tracks, halfway to the stairs. He doesn’t dare to turn back, and he really doesn’t want to fight, or to leave, to spend the last month of his life away from his husband and their son. But Steve can’t know, can he?

-x-

Or: Tony has palladium poisoning, but he doesn't tell Steve and Peter

your pillow feels so soft now (but still you must advance): @firebrands

When Bruce is 13, he decides to go to boarding school. It's an opportunity for him to learn about other people, and how to interact with them.

Bruce has the misfortune of meeting Tony Stark upon his arrival in Roxbury. Bruce is moving into his room, and Tony opens the door of his room to watch. He looks a bit younger than Bruce, hair wild and eyes bright. Bruce has never seen a boy like him before—handsome and confident.

Bruce doesn’t like it.

IMPORTANT: This fic has them meeting at 14, then progresses slowly until they’re 17. Includes underage drinking and kissing.

This is set before Bruce becomes Batman and Tony becomes Iron Man and I have no explanation as to how or why they just DO Canonically, Bruce is 17 when he finishes school and goes around the world to train, so we're sticking with that

The Real MVP: @sword-and-stars (part of a series)

[“I have saved this Tuesday!” Sokka announces, rattling the bag upon reentry.

Zuko doesn’t even look up from his phone as he deadpans, “It’s Thursday.”

Okay, so Sokka is still having trouble getting his days right without checking. At least he’s gone back to sleeping at night! Going to bed at night is way easier when you have a cute, cuddly boyfriend who starts falling asleep around eleven o’clock. It also helps that he and Zuko are on solid gold butt-touching terms.

It’s been a while since Sokka has been on butt-touching terms with someone and it’s amazing.]

Or,

Sokka knows a guy, gets laid, and introduces Zuko to the merits of an afternoon delight.

When is a bed not a bed? (When you’re not in it): @riotwritesthings

There’s a tiny safe house, with one tiny window and one tiny couch.

And one tiny little bed.

June

Nice Fingers: @anthonyed

A single compliment given by Tony stirs Bucky restless until he caves in and asks him out on a date.

With Steve’s help of course (whether he likes it or not).

The Darkest Touch: @starkrogerrs

This is the story of how Steve finds that it has been ordained that he is to marry a monster he cannot resist aka the God of Love himself, Tony.

It's Cupid x Psyche retold, but with thrice the amount of porn.

The Night Shift:  @weethreequarter

Welcome to the Emergency Department of San Antonio General where Dr. Tony Stark joins the team fresh from his most recent tour in Afghanistan and - much to the consternation of the other staff - strikes up an instant rapport with Nurse Steve Rogers. Meanwhile, new resident Bruce Banner refuses to give up on his patient, and Dr. Sharon Carter learns something from her own patients. Throw in a pissed off hospital administrator, Clint using the coffee pot as a mug again, and a major car crash and you have, well, just another night shift.

Wind Beneath My Wings: @iam93percentstardust

Sam first meets Tony Stark in 2005 when he joins the EXO-7 Falcon program.

In jest: @/apathyinreverie

“No, babe,” Danny shakes his head with a grin. “If the apocalypse were to go down while I’m elsewhere for some godforsaken reason, then you stay put and I’m coming to wherever you are.” His grin widens. “And I expect you to have cleared any aliens or zombies or whatever else might be messing with us off the island and to have set up a nice, comfortable military dictatorship for us to rule over by the time I get back.”

It’s a joke.

Of course it’s a joke.

Until it isn’t.

(A the-day-after-tomorrow-style apocalypse AU, where the world decides to end right when Danny is visiting one of the other islands with Grace. Because, of course, it does.)

#adi's rec list #mcdanno #stevetony #buckytony #brucetony #rhodeytony #zukka #samtony #january - june #there's so many different ships on this #and different authors #and it spans three fandoms #so hopefully you guys enjoy this!!

[vespertine-legacy]

I was tagged (a while ago now, sorry!) by @legacystarwarred​ to do a kotfe/kotet legacy report on my toons. It’s a pretty neat concept, but I’ll admit I’m a bit stuck on it for some of mine... Also, I have played fast and loose with canon and timeline for a couple of them to make the things that I want them to do work out. Some of the toons in this line-up I haven’t ever really introduced on here before beyond just maybe posting a picture and mentioning their name (and most of those, I’ve only played far enough to get a sense of the class/discipline because I’m too lazy to actually finish anything).

I will put my individual updates for each toon under a cut, because a) damn that’s a lot of idiots, and b) potential for spoilers for all class stories, yay!

I know the pictures there show 26 idiots, but for starters, let’s just have an update on the “main” 8: Ember, Kestrel, Cershaa, Zuvi, Mena, Sija, Moxie, and Raz

Ready for Legacy Update 1/3?

Name: November “Ember” Almarre Gender: Female Species: Human Status/Position: Alive, Jedi Battlemaster, Alliance advisor Relationship: Kira Carsen (dating) About: Follows class story and assists with Republic efforts on Ilum and Makeb, but I haven’t actually decided what’s canon for her after that (kotfe/kotet is not; she may just stay with her crew and end up with Kira and Scourge on their mission).

Name: Kestrel Fortuna Gender: Female Species: Twi’lek Status/Position: Alive, Barsen’thor Relationship: Nadia Grell (queerplatonic partnership) About: Kestrel was originally my Outlander and Alliance Commander, but then I decided against that and have basically thrown out everything I’ve already written about her (whoops). Follows class story, then... I haven’t decided what to do with her for a gap in the story, but I’m leaning on having her end up on Ossus with Nadia and the Jedi Colony.

Name: Cershaa Vadesh Gender: Female Species: Togruta Status/Position: Alive, Colonel in the Galactic Republic Army, Havoc Squad commander, Alliance advisor Relationship: Elara Dorne & Aric Jorgan (polymarried) About: Follows class story, assists in Republic efforts on Makeb, Ilum, and Yavin IV. Taken prisoner by Eternal Empire forces during the war against Zakuul (but not frozen in carbonite), still working out the details but want for her to end up rescued by Coda, with Coda unable to get her back to Elara and Aric for long enough that Cershaa is still declared KIA by the Republic, but have her eventually end up as an advisor to Sija’s Alliance with her whole happy Havoc family (even though they’ll probably leave when Sija makes Odessen part of the Empire). (Twin sister of one of my alt-Bounty Hunters, Coda.)

Name: Nizuvhi “Zuvi” Kenno Gender: Female Species: Mirialan Status/Position: Alive, Voidhound Relationship: Risha Drayen (dating), @rainofaugustsith​‘s Rorjhana (dating), various other flings About: Becomes disillusioned with the Republic. Prefers to stay as neutral as possible in order to have as many potential jobs as possible (and, when you’re neutral, you get to meet more people). Runs away from all of her responsibilities when the war against the Eternal Empire gets bad, and is eventually called upon by Hylo Visz to join Sija’s Eternal Alliance. Uses Lana’s contacts to track down her crew and invite them to join her on Odessen to pull the family back together (gets an absolute earful from Risha about the way she ran off). When Sija officially has Odessen join the Empire, Corso wants Team Smuggler to leave, but Zuvi refuses. It comes out that Zuvi had been primarily helping the Empire the entire time she’d been gone and since joining the Alliance had been offering more support to Imperial efforts than Republic. After Odessen’s official absorption into the Empire, Zuvi tells Sija that the Voidhound Fleet is loyal to both the Eternal Alliance and the Empire, and Corso leaves Odessen without her. (Sister of one of my alt-Smugglers, Archie.)

Name: Atmena “Mena” Jenkari’uul Gender: Female Species: Pureblood Sith Status/Position: Alive, Empire’s Wrath, Alliance Advisor Relationship: Jaesa Willsaam (dating) About: Grew up wealthy and privileged, but with a modicum of humility. Became close friends with her family’s servant, Sija, and got a rude awakening about power dynamics when Sija left for Korriban. Fiercely loyal to the Empire, and previously loyal to the Emperor. Chosen as the Emperor’s Wrath, and honored to have been chosen until his betrayal. Assists with building the Alliance and becomes an advisor for the Eternal Alliance. Declines the offer to become Acina’s Wrath, preferring to serve the people of the Empire before the Empress. (almost all post-class-pre-kotfe content is canon for her, just that it’s her and Sija together, and she’s there to support Sija after Lana rescues her from carbonite).

Name: Cassija “Sija” Solborne-Beniko Gender: Female Species: Rattataki Status/Position: Alive, Darth Nox, Alliance Commander  Relationship: Lana Beniko (married) About: Served in the Jenkari’uul household for as long as she could remember, until her Force sensitivity was discovered. Altorius Jenkari’uul trained her for several years alongside his daughter, Atmena, before she eventually was sent to Korriban. Follows the class story and rises to a seat on the Dark Council after defeating Darth Thanaton (Sphere of Ancient Knowledge). Gets framed for Emperor Valkorion’s murder and imprisoned in carbonite by Arcann, but is not Valkorion’s vessel during the carbonite nap, just left to her own thoughts and Horak-Mul’s company. Very reluctant to lead the Alliance after the five-year nap, but settles into the role and is happy to welcome just about anyone into her Alliance. Brings Odessen back into the Empire and regains control of her Sphere, mostly for tactical/safety reasons, partially to keep a closer eye on Acina and try to make her actually keep up with some of the changes that had been proposed during Sija’s first stint as a Darth.

Name: Dao-Mox “Moxie” Brood Gender: Genderqueer Species: Dathomirian Zabrak Status/Position: Alive, Grand Champion of the Great Hunt, Hired Gun for the Eternal Alliance Relationship: Mahzarin Auksas (on-again-off-again) About: Mostly a free agent after winning her round of the Great Hunt. Reconnects with and mentors Lark while he and Echo go through the Great Hunt, but otherwise attempts to fade into obscurity. Is convinced by Mena to serve as a basically on-call hired gun for the Eternal Alliance in order to not be beholden to Acina.

Name: Vero’razimiri’vosis, “Raz” Gender: Female Species: Chiss Status/Position: Alive, Director of Operations of Imperial Intelligence (“Keeper”) Relationship: Shara Jenn (engaged) About: Served as a combat medic for the Empire on Hoth before joining Imperial Intelligence. Mostly follows class story. Fosters a pretty strong dislike for the Sith, but comes to respect Darth Marr (works with him on Makeb, Ilum, and Yavin), as well as Darth Nox and the Wrath (works with them on Rishi, Yavin, and Ziost). Is named Keeper of Imperial Intelligence by Darth Zhorrid between the events of Yavin IV and Ziost. Convinces Darth Marr to take Shara on as an apprentice after her Sith awakening, and comes to have Regrets™ about that. Works with Lana Beniko to locate and rescue Sija and Shara from carbonite. Serves as a consultant for the Eternal Alliance. Is called back to her roll as Keeper by Empress Acina after the events of Onslaught.

#swtor #swtor legacy update #swtor jedi knight #swtor jedi consular #swtor trooper #swtor smuggler #swtor sith warrior #swtor sith inquisitor #swtor bounty hunter #swtor imperial agent #swtor oc ember #swtor oc kestrel #swtor oc cershaa #swtor oc zuvi #swtor oc mena #swtor oc sija #swtor oc moxie #swtor oc raz #does november's canon actually have any internal consistency? #we'll find out!

[twdmusicboxmystery]

8s = 8 Year Time Jump?

Okay Peeps! I’ve been wanting to get a theory posted about this for a while, and it’s something that I’ve mentioned briefly here and there this season, having to do with the time jump. I thought it would be a super-epic sprawling post, but it’s really not. I’ll be linking to several posts I’ve written before so you can get more details, and that will keep this post relatively short.

It has to do with all the 8s we’ve seen in the show since S4 and especially around Beth. Let’s do a little recap of some of the major instances of 8.

We saw a TON of 8 clocks around Beth. Most of the clocks we saw in the background of Grady read 8:00. Details HERE.

Then there’s all the 8:20 clocks, which represent something specific about death and resurrection. Details here: (X, X, X,)

When Daryl leads the walkers into the basement in Alone, there’s a tray down there with 8 pairs of scissors. (X). I’m mentioning this one for a specific reason. I’ll tell you why in a minute.

There’s Eugene’s 8-ball reference in S6. (X)

There’s the fact that in Still, Beth and Daryl pass the grandfather clock, and it reads 8 minutes before the hour. When they pass it again, it chimes. Which means 8 minutes have passed. Again, very significant. (X)

Then there’s a prominent number 8 behind Beth in 5x09, during Ty’s death hallucination.

We have some 8s in Roman Numerals (X).

Quite frankly, there are also a lot more random 8s that I haven’t mentioned here. These are just the most significant. Click the links above for more details, understanding that I doubt I even have all the instances recorded. There have been TONS of them.

Okay, so what’s up? What’s my argument about 8s? If you read through these old theories, you’ll see that most of them argue that the 8s must point to S8. Because that’s what we thought. They must show that she’ll return in S8. How could they not, right? But she didn’t. We were disappointed not to see her in S8.

Was that a little discouraging? Sure. Uh, you know, for most people. ;D

I’ve even justified it with the fact—yes fact!—that Andrew Lincoln was originally supposed to leave in S8, but ended up staying until S9. But the more I look at all the 8s around her, the more convinced I am that we were simply wrong and they NEVER pointed to her return in S8.

I just don’t think it can be a coincidence that we saw all those 8s, and then, after 2 time jumps, we’re now exactly 8 years post-Coda.

Thesis: I think the 8s pointed to her returning after 8 years (for the characters in the show; not us). Take a second look at the instances I’ve pointed out in the past. Look past the actual number and to the way the symbol actually functions.

Clocks at Grady: The 8:00 clocks are often in the rooms of patients who have just died. We’ve always assumed that pointed to Beth’s own “death” in 5x08. And it probably did, but as @wdway pointed out HERE, the symbol for the number 8 in the Hebrew alphabet is X (X Theory) and it means “new beginnings.” (Which we can also tie into baptism/rebirth/beth = water, but that’s a whole other post.) So I think these clocks were meant to symbolize Beth’s own death (which is why we so often see her and the 8 clock with dead patients at Grady) but that she’ll return after 8 years for a new beginning.

Daryl and the 8 pairs of scissors: Remember the last thing he said was, “Go up the road, I’ll meet you there.” Beth: “I’m not gonna leave you.” Then he sees 8 pairs of SCISSORS (another Beth symbol from Grady). See what I mean? I’m thinking this showed that the meeting up the road wouldn’t happen until 8 years later and that they wouldn’t truly be together again like they were in S4 until 8 years had passed.

Grandfather clock in Still: This one is probably the most significant. I mean, we literally had them pass the clock—you know, the one with roman numerals and the latin inscription that means “time escapes”—and when they pass it again, 8 minutes have gone by. I mean, we all know there was a billion pounds of symbolism going on in that golf club, and we have a literal representation of 8…units of time passing. Again, now we are exactly 8 years post Coda. Think that’s a coincidence? Yeah, me neither.

Eugene’s 8 Ball reference is honestly a little less clear, and I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on it. On one hand, the wolves showed up right after he made this reference, so it could show that the wolves wouldn’t return/truly be beaten until 8 years later. But he also associated the 8-ball reference with “end game,” so maybe it shows that the end game (a.k.a. Beth) wouldn’t be seen for 8 years. Again, not sure on this one. Just spit-balling.

And of course the 8 behind her in 5x09 is probably pretty obvious at this point: that she wouldn’t be seen after that until 8 years had passed.

I also want to throw in that TD has read a LOT into all the time references around Beth. Yeah, there’s the clocks, but we’ve gone much deeper than that. References to resets, messing with time, time travel, time slippage. You get the idea. I’m wondering now if we were really over-thinking it. Maybe all those time references, starting from Gimple saying they were messing with time in S5, especially right after Coda, simply were a way of referring to (without actually saying) that a great deal of time would pass before they went back to Beth’s arc and told us what the hell went down during those missing 17 days.

So this is where I’m currently at in my thinking. Does it mean she’ll show up in S9 for sure? Not necessarily. Unfortunately.

I still think there’s a good chance we’ll see her this season, but I can also see the back half being very taken up by the Whisperers and them not quite getting to Beth. (I’ve said before that her return in S10 would have a certain symmetry because of all the Xs; X = Roman Numeral 10). So I think it could go either way.

If we don’t see her, I’ll be disappointed but I believe more than ever that we’ll see her somewhere, and soon. I think the only thing we can say for sure right now is that we’ll see her somewhere in this new arc that began with Rick leaving. That’s why we’re seeing so many Beth symbols, Beth parallels, images of her, her voice, etc. She’s coming in this arc.

But if the show starts moving really slowly again (we haven’t heard any peeps about another time jump anytime soon) then we might still be 8 years post-Coda in S10.

See what I mean? So yeah. Those are my thoughts about where we’re at heading into 9b.

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

[wardoftheedgeloaves]

BLATERATIO SIOVANA (I)

In the year 1500 or so, prior to European contact, the Siouan languages were spoken over a very wide range of North America east of the Rocky Mountains. Wikipedia gives the following map, which is a faithful reproduction of Ives Goddard’s map from Handbook of North American Indians Vol. 17: Languages.

The map itself is a massive, and gorgeous, wallpiece, with different language families marked in different colors and separated into the individual languages, but they’re not shown here. 

When we think of Siouan, we generally think of the Lakota/Dakota/Nakoda Sioux, or perhaps the Osage, who live in the modern era on the Great Plains. It therefore comes as something of a surprise to learn that Siouan is actually an Eastern family, not a Plains one. The Proto-Siouan Urheimat was probably in the Kentucky-West Virginia area; Catawba, its closest relative, was spoken in upstate South Carolina until the early 20th century; and we know that most of the Siouan languages spoken on the Plains got there relatively recently as white expansion pushed Native tribes westward. (For example, when we first meet the Dakota, in the 17th century, they live in the Chicago area--not South Dakota).

I don’t have a scan of the full map, but if you look at the map you’ll find that we have a pretty good idea of who lived where when they were contacted by Europeans in most of the continent (though that’s, of course, not always the same date everywhere, so the map doesn’t represent the linguistic situation at any given point of time. In the Southeast, however, there are vast swaths of “unknown”. We have a suspicion, for example, that the Carolinas were one of the most linguistically diverse areas in the world before contact. But what’s left? Cherokee, Tuscarora, Catawba (no longer around, but documented), a few words of Pamlico (Carolina Algonquian) and Woccon (a close relative of Catawba), and a couple words of Saponi. That’s it, for an area that probably had at least twenty languages split across several families if not thirty.

Obviously this lack of data speaks to countless humanitarian atrocities, but for the linguist, and especially the Siouanist, it presents another, though obviously less serious, problem. Our suspicions are that the majority of Siouan’s diversity resided in the Southeast at contact, but it’s all gone and nobody wrote it down, barring a lucky manuscript finding. And we don’t really have earlier stages of Siouan to check either. It’s rather as if we were trying to reconstruct Indo-European, but only possessed Romance, modern Irish and Welsh, Slavic and maybe Armenian or a modern Germanic language. (Luckily, Proto-Siouan is not as old as PIE, but, well, PIE is not really that old, either; if break-up was 4000-3500 BC, our earliest attestations of Hittite are 1500 BC, so we’re in the dark for only about two to two and a half thousand years.)

The following MSPaint diagram gives a relatively decent overview of the...current consensus regarding the internal divisions of Siouan.

Catawba (spoken in upstate South Carolina until the 1940s or ‘50s) and Woccon (attested in a badly-written wordlist from the 17th century) represent a single subfamily that play the Anatolian to the rest of Siouan’s Latin/Greek/Sanskrit/Slavic/Baltic. This much is for certain. Catawba is well-documented, but unfortunately the High Priest of Catawba passed away unexpectedly just before his three-volume magnum opus was set to be published, which magnum opus now lingers in an archive in Philadelphia. So it goes.

Core Siouan (we could also just call this Siouan and call Siouan + Catawba Siouan-Catawba, but we’ll use the term Core Siouan) breaks up into four main branches (most of this is taken from Rory Larson’s 2016 article):

-Ohio Valley (or Southeastern Siouan). There are three decently-documented members of this branch (Biloxi, Ofo and Tutelo) and one attested by two words (Saponi, which must have been very close to Tutelo). There are only a couple of known shared sound changes that characterize Ohio Valley; one is the merger of the original Proto-Siouan glottalized fricatives *sˀ *šˀ *xˀ to their unglottalized counterparts, and another may have been the fortition of (the now merged, from *š and *šˀ) *š to /č/, but there were perhaps exceptions here. 

Ohio Valley then splits into Tutelo-Saponi (fairly conservative barring a possible merger of *s and some instances of *š that didn’t change to /č/) and Ofo-Biloxi (characterized by a shared loss of word-initial *w and *h before a vowel).

Were there more members of Ohio Valley? Almost certainly. We know Ohio Valley was fairly conservative, but it’s not that well-documented--only Biloxi really got the full treatment; we have large gaps in our understanding of the morphology of the others. There may have been other Ohio Valleys; if we had them we’d know a heck of a lot more about Proto-Siouan. Unfortunately, we don’t.

--Crow-Hidatsa (also known as Missouri Valley)--wouldn’t Corvic be a snappier name? if we’re going to go down that route then the Meskwaki-Sauk-Kickapoo group of Algonquian should be Vulpic, but the Meskwaki generally prefer not being called the Fox anymore--seems to be strangely conservative and yet highly innovtive. Its two members, Crow and Hidatsa, split off from each other very recently. Corvic is characterized by a number of very unusual proposed changes, such as a metathesis change whereby the first two vowels of a word swap, *CV₁CV₂ > CV₂CV₁. Crow-Hidatsa (and Mandan) also undid “Carter’s Law.” This is worthy of a bit more discussion.

Proto-Siouan, you see, had a strong second-syllable stress rule. I have a suspicion that this probably got passed along to Great Lakes-area Algonquian--cf. Nishnaabemwin’s syncope rule [e.g. standard Ojibwe makkwa ‘bear’ > Nishnaabemwin mkkwa], or the second-syllable vowel-lengthening rule in Menominee [e.g. *aθemwa > anɛ:m]--Northern Algonquian is reported to have a strong first-syllable stress rule and, as this is also found in Arapaho (I think?) and maybe elsewhere, this is thought to be original, at least by Ives Goddard (p.c.). In any case, when a pre-Proto-Siouan stop *p *t or *k formed the onset of the second syllable of a word, it got preaspirated. There are surely Catawba cognates that can attest to this, but the point is that we basically only ever see preaspirates in second syllables. (This is somewhat obscured by the fact that the vowels of word-initial syllables often drops in the daughters, yielding clusters or, if there was no onset consonant, nothing at all) 

But Mandan and Corvic appear to have undone Carter’s Law. This, combined with their odd-man-out nature (it’s just not really clear at all how they fit into things--Mandan may or may not be a wayward member of Mississippi Valley, but I think the consensus these days is “separate branch”--I need to send another email or two), suggests to me that maybe Carter’s Law wasn’t a Proto-Siouan rule at all and may have developed a bit later on, affecting Mississippi Valley and Ohio Valley but skipping Corvic and Mandan, so that no sound change needs to be proposed for those branches at all. Corvic and Mandan also have a change whereby *y and *r merge as /r/. This change is also found in Hocąk, so it might have been areal. (C.f. the change of *y to /čʰ/, which is found in Dakotan and...Ofo, spoken in Mississippi and Louisiana.)

(then again that could also be areal, since we first meet the Ofo in the Cincinnati area by the name of the Mosopelea, and that’s not that far from the Dakota who, as we’ve seen, were in Illinois at first contact)

I don’t think anybody’s tried to a study in shared lexical innovation in Siouan, but somebody should (maybe me), because there’s a lot of weird lexical innovation in Siouan and it would probably clear up questions like “what’s going on with Mandan?” A major source of this lexical innovation--and a major reason for Siouan being so frickin’ difficult to reconstruct--is the fact that Proto-Siouan had a lot of derivational prefixes, that a lot of basic lexical items ended up with different derivational prefixes in different daughters, and that because these derivational prefixes were now word-initial their vowels usually dropped and formed difficult-to-untangle clusters. (Doesn’t comparative Sino-Tibetan suffer from similar issues?)

Mandan, as noted, probably forms its own branch. It is most notable for having undergone a “swap” shift whereby PS *š becomes /s/ and *s becomes /š/.

Mississippi Valley forms the core of attested Siouan. It has three branches: Dakotan, Hongan (the Chiwere-Winnebago/Hocąk-Ioway-Oto group), and Dhegiha (Osage, Omaha-Ponca, etc.).

Mississippi Valley Siouan is characterized by the development of a very large number of onset clusters, but no coda consonants (except in a couple of daughters that deleted final vowels). Except for the preaspirates /hp ht hk/, their provenance is shakily understood other than that most of them seem to derive from initial-syllable syncope. E.g, if you attach the 1sg prefix *wa- onto a verb stem in h-, you get *wăh-, then *wh-, and then fortition of the *w to /p/, giving a postaspirate *pʰ.

Within Mississippi Valley Siouan we have some evidence that Dhegiha and Hongan form a subgroup (Dhegihongan?). I pushed a friend of mine into writing a term paper on this, possibly for reasons of selfish curiosity. The main phonological isogloss is the merger of *wR with *R (where *R is “funny *r,” a sound that appears to have been *r but which shows unusual reflexes)--Dakotan merges *wR with *wr. There’s also a debuccalization of *p to /h/ before *t, and an innovated 1pl inclusive patient prefix *wa-.

This is already getting to be rather long, so I think I’ll cut it here and go further in-depth into phonology in Part II...

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Once Upon a Time in America Is a Movie That Can Never Be Too Long

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Sergio Leone’s Once Upon a Time in America is as epic as The Godfather, gorier than Goodfellas, and as streetwise as Mean Streets. It tells a full history, from childhood to old age, street hustles to political suicides, community toilets to opium dens. The version which is right now available on Netflix has been amazingly restored by Italy’s Bologna Cinematheque L’Immagine Ritrovata lab. I don’t think I have ever seen the film so clear, and it is a perennial to me, as is The Godfather.

It’s true, even the most devoted gangster fan and cinephile doesn’t watch Once Upon a Time in America as often as The Godfather, and it’s got Robert De Niro at his most gangta. For one thing, Leone’s film has never been as accessible. It is not shown regularly on any kind of broadcast channel, and even the film’s own producers thought it was too long for people to sit through. Pop culture history makes it sound like Once Upon a Time in America had a short version that ran 10 hours and a long version that ran a week.

How Long is Too Long for Once Upon a Time in America?

The truth is, Leone did have up to 10 hours of finished cinematic material, which he cut down to six hours. He wanted to put it out in two parts, much like the initial saga of The Godfather was extended into a sequel. Leone’s original vision for the film was two 180-minute motion pictures which would be shown on consecutive days. After the initial run, he planned to edit the two parts down for a general release which would run as one four-hour and 29-minute film.

Film distributors convinced Leone to release a “Director’s Cut” feature at a running time of 3 hours and 49-minutes, with no intermission, which was the version shown at the 1984 Cannes Film Festival (Martin Scorsese led the push to restore the original version, which was shown at Cannes in 2012, though it’s still missing 18 minutes). This version caught on in Europe. But American audiences saw an even more butchered cut in 1984. The U.S. financial backers, The Ladd Company, founded by actor Alan Ladd’s son, cut 90 minutes from the already-edited film, bringing it to two hours and 19 minutes. But they also restructured the film, cutting the flashbacks-within-flashbacks to present the story chronologically.

This most affects the opening, which is an extended action sequence told with the expressionism of a silent film and the nihilism of post-war Italian neorealism. It is a bit of a jumble coming out of an opium dream. Noodles is on the run, behind in the game, and stoned out of mind. The flashbacks create a cognitive dissonance, and the audience experiences the freefall in a visceral way. By the time they land, it’s in the beginning of a story, which may all be an opium dream. The longer version did play at art cinemas in the U.S. Having seen both on their initial release, this writer preferred the long version of the crime classic, but will admit, they could have answered a phone in the opening sequence before it rang 30 times.

I’d Watch an 8-Hour “Making of” Documentary on This

The production of the film is worthy of a star-studded documentary itself. Leone devoted most of his adult life to getting it done. He turned down The Godfather to make it. Once Upon a Time in America is the final entry in Leone’s “Once Upon a Time” trilogy. It followed Once Upon a Time in the West (C’era Una Volta Il West) (1968), and Once Upon a Time in the Revolution, which came out in 1971 as Duck, You Sucker!. One of the first America drafts was written by Norman Mailer, the author of the novel The Naked and the Dead, and Marilyn: A Biography, the 1973 Marilyn Monroe biography which first speculated the Hollywood icon had been killed by the FBI and CIA. Leone told American Film magazine the novelist was not “not a writer for movies,” but wasn’t satisfied with a screenplay until the end of 1974.

Leone first became interested in making Once Upon a Time in America while making Once Upon a Time in the West. He came across the book The Hoods, which is described on its cover flap as “a notorious mob boss of the syndicate tells the full inside story of hired killing and crime operations.” Published in August 1952, it was very open about Jewish gangster life during the 1920s and ‘30s. It was written by Hershel “Noodles” Goldberg under the alias Harry Grey.

Goldberg also wrote the 1958 book, Portrait of a Mobster, about Jewish mob legend Arthur “Dutch Schultz” Flegenheimer. He wrote The Hoods while serving time in Sing Sing prison. Leone met with Grey in a New York City bar, according to Christopher Frayling’s 2012 book, Sergio Leone: Something to Do with Death. The author was still in hiding from his former mob associates. The renowned Spaghetti Western director didn’t find a heroic figure like “Paul Muni in Scarface or James Cagney in The Public Enemy,” in the bar. Instead there was a poor man “with a machine gun in his hand and a Borsalino on his head.”

I’d watch a 12-Hour Version of the Original Cast of the Unmade Film

Leone began casting in 1975. When The Hoods begins, the leading characters are teenage criminals. Richard Dreyfuss was first cast as young Noodles. The older version of the character was to be played by James Cagney, who hadn’t made a film since Billy Wilder’s One, Two, Three in 1961. He wouldn’t make another until 1984, the year Leone’s film was finally released, when he appeared in Miloš Forman’s Ragtime. That film also stars Elizabeth McGovern, who plays adult Deborah in Once Upon a Time in America. French actor Gerard Depardieu was cast as young Max, and the part would pass to veteran actor Jean Gabin, an icon of French gangster films.

This is true dream casting. Dreyfuss made his mob movie bones playing Baby Face Nelson in Dillinger (1973) and would go on to become an acting institution. Cagney was an acting legend, who began his career creating young gangster icons. Judging from the outstanding acting performances Leone got from Hollywood Golden Age actors like Henry Fonda, it would have been a masterwork.

Leone brought out unsuspected feats of greatness from veteran actors who had been subject to the rules of mainstream cinema. It would also be wonderful just to watch Cagney and Gabin create onscreen dynamite together. Meanwhile Gabin is probably best known as the lead in Jean Renoir’s 1937 antiwar masterpiece, La Grande Illusion. But that was also the year he played “The Prince of Plunder” in director Julien Duvivier’s Pépé le Moko (1937). That gangster-in-hiding title role established him firmly in French crime cinema, and it should be seen by any fan of Casablanca or Algiers. He also starred in Jacques Becker’s mob film Touchez pas au grisbi (Don’t Touch the Loot) (1954), and plays the capo of the Manalese crime family in director Henri Verneuil’s The Sicilian Clan (1969).

I would gleefully binge 10 hours of Gabin and Cagney rehearsing.

And I Could Watch the Final Cast All Weekend

I’d also binge rehearsals for the cast that ultimately wound up filming Once Upon a Time in America. Robert De Niro, as grown-up David “Noodles” Aaronson, was in his prime. He was already gangster film royalty, having played in The Gang that Couldn’t Shoot Straight (1971), Martin Scorsese’s Mean Streets (1973), and as young Vito Corleone in The Godfather, Part II. His Jake La Motta took a career-killing dive for the mob in Raging Bull (1980). But while De Niro also proved he could play psychopaths like Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver (1976), that part was better filled by his co-star.

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James Woods, who plays the adult Maximilian “Max” Bercovicz, created one of the most convincing sociopaths of crime cinema in The Onion Field (1979). He also brought one of the sleaziest characters in science fiction to David Cronenberg’s 1983 cult masterpiece, Videodrome. For gangster and crime film fans, De Niro and Woods together are like seeing Cagney work with Edward G. Robinson in Smart Money (1931), Humphrey Bogart in Angels with Dirty Faces (1938) and The Roaring Twenties (1939), or George Raft in Each Dawn I Die (1939).

While Joe Pesci’s crime boss Frankie Monaldi is so authentic in Once Upon a Time in America that it looks like he was picked out of a lineup, Burt Young’s performance as his brother Joe Monaldi is pure cinema verité. He almost makes you want to take a shower. The only relief comes from watching Treat Williams as a union leader who takes a bath.

Tuesday Weld, who plays Carol, is an icon of licentious cinema. She was Stanley Kubrick’s first choice to play the title role in Lolita (1962), and the wildest orgy enthusiast in Looking for Mr. Goodbar (1977). Weld started acting as a teenager in the 1956 jukebox musical Rock! Rock! Rock!, and brought more tension than Steve McQueen and Ann-Margret combined in the 1965 gambling classic, The Cincinnati Kid, which also starred Edward G. Robinson. Quentin Tarantino would probably be proud to recommend Weld’s filmography as a film binge subject.

Once Upon a Time in America also began production in 1980 but was scuttled by an Actor’s Strike. It would have seen Tom Berenger and Paul Newman playing the Noodles characters. For Max, Leone considered Dustin Hoffman, Jon Voight, Harvey Keitel, John Malkovich, and John Belushi. Brooke Shields was set to play young Deborah, which went on to be Jennifer Connelly’s film debut. She would go on to play in Labyrinth (1986) with David Bowie, as well as to an acclaimed career as an adult in movies like Requiem for a Dream (2000) and win an Academy Award for A Beautiful Mind (2001).

What’s in a Bad Reputation?

The Godfather is briskly paced, relatable, and every sequence is perfectly framed. Had Once Upon a Time in America been split into two parts, as the director intended, it may have become just as iconic. Coppola saves the Corleone family backstory for the second film, where it sits comfortably as it mirrors one rise with another.

In today’s environment, where binge-watching is the norm, Once Upon a Time in America should be reevaluated on that basis. People are more accustomed to long-long form entertainment, because they have readily available short-form at their fingertips on apps like TikTok.  Alejandro Jodorowsky wanted to make a 10-hour adaptation of the science fiction novel Dune. He got the same blowback as Leone.

“Myself, I make an enormous project of a film that will not be a normal film, 14, 16, maybe 19 hours,” Jodorowsky told Den of Geek while promoting his film Psychomagic. “Hollywood thought I was crazy. A picture [should be] one hour and half or two hours, no more. But now, with series television, you see eight chapters. The short pictures are dying, it’s not anymore necessary. We need to make a serious chapter, you know? Ten hours.”

Today, Jodorowsky’s Dune would be a Netflix miniseries–or at the very least two films, as enjoyed by director Denis Villeneuve. Once Upon a Time in America is far more watchable than its legend declares, and Leone was a filmmaker who should have been afforded his cut. “He was a real artist of industrial movies,” Jodorowsky told Den of Geek. “You need to be very intelligent to do that, and he did it. The picture, all of his pictures, I love these pictures.”

I have watched The Godfather, The Godfather, Part II, The Godfather, Part III, Mario Puzo’s The Godfather, Coda: The Death of Michael Corleone, the box set collectors’ edition of The Godfather Saga, and still have a recording of the first time the film ran with all the deleted scenes restored. I will watch them all again. But there is room for more than one Gangster Epic. Once Upon a Time in America’s reputation as a sloppy, overlong film is undeserved. It bears repeated viewing.

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