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notsugarandspice · 6 years

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Let’s Talk About Parks

Parks & Rec AU!

the chapter where I got sick of an OC and threw them out the door

Read it on AO3.

CHAPTER 3: REPORTER

“Okay, s-so a plant like this is n-not safe to eat,” says Bill, bending down to indicate the pointed leaves in the grass.

Mike is trailing close behind a small crowd of 12 year-olds who seem mildly fascinated by the trip. He loves promoting educational programs for the youth, even though he can see the distaste in their eyes. Mike put Bill in charge of preteen nature hikes because he always enjoys being outside, and seems great with kids, mostly from having many of his own. He shudders remembering the day one teenage girl got pregnant when a young department representative led the program, and he had to deal with the psychotic outbreak of the mother.

“The spiky ones are p-pah-poisonous and can cause a lot of p-pain if consumed. And this,” Bill sits back on his heels and rips out a pleasant looking plant, “is Country Honeysuckle.”

“Wow,” says Mike, taking the tiny leaf from Bill’s hand.

“It s-smells nice.”

“Oh, yeah! Smells amazing,” says Mike and puts the plant in his mouth without hesitation. The bitterness instantly invades his taste buds, and he can feel the tip of his mouth numbing. “Oh! Ew-“

“Mike, d-duh-don’t eat that!” Bill grabs the corner of the leaf sticking from Mike’s mouth and throws it on the ground.

“Why did you let me eat that?!”

“I never told you t-to eat it!” Mike can hear the children stifle giggles while he feels his tongue getting caught between the teeth. “Mike, everyone knows not t-t-to eat the Country Honeysuckle, did you listen to anything I’ve said?”

“I can’t feel my tongue-“ Mike starts tugging on it, and doesn’t feel the touch of his fingers.

“Jesus, don’t t-touch it, and stop s-scaring the kids-“ Bill leads Mike away towards the car and gives him a bottle of water to wash the taste off. Mike sighs in defeat and watches the children continue the hike.

“Ben!” Mike beams when he sees his friend waltz into the Parks and Recreation office, looking adorable in a white sweater and blue scrubs. “I have amazing news. I asked a reporter to write an article about the pit.”

Ben sits down on the chair in front of Mike’s desk and smiles reassuringly. “Hey, that sounds great.”

“Right? The press is a weapon. You can either use it to kill people or feed them.”

Ben tilts his head to the side in confusion.

“You know, when you start off with large projects like these, press exposure is very important. It’s the momentum that keeps it alive. Do you remember the graffiti project last year?”

“Oh, the one with penises at Tucker Park.”

“The lack of funding didn’t let us remove more than five. I’m still haunted by the remaining penises.” Mike looks off to the distance in horror. “One penis in particular.”

He ushers Ben to the conference room and invites Lucas to join them in preparation of the reporter’s arrival.

“Okay, I need everyone to be on their best behavior when she gets here. Please stay on message and don’t stray away from our main goal - promoting the filling of the pit, and turning it into a park.”

“Hi, I’m looking for Mike Hanlon.” Eddie raises his head from a Seventeen magazine and gives the blond woman a blank stare.

“Okay.”

The guest looks at Eddie weirdly, but before he has the chance to say anything, Mike runs out of the conference room. “My ears are ringing!”

“Hi.”

Hanlon makes his way to the entrance and reaches out to shake the reporter’s hand. “I’m Mike Hanlon, the deputy director of Parks and Recreation.”

“Greta-“

“Bowie, yes. I’m a fan of your work. I’ve read everything you’ve ever written. Your article on raccoon problem in Pawnee is definitely your best work. Nature’s bandits,” says Mike and beams at Greta.

“Thanks!”

“Do you want to take a quick tour before we get started?”

“Oh, I’ve been here before several times.”

Mike pauses for a second, astounded. “Quick tour?”

Greta clears her throat and forces a smile. “Okay.”

He steps back and walks further into the office, folder in hand. “This is Jim Hopper, our boss. Jim, this is the reporter I told you about.”

Jim comes in closer and clenches his jaw irritably, the grip on the coffee mug stronger than necessary. “No comment.”

Greta looks between Mike and Jim. “About what?”

Hopper ignores the reporter and turns towards the door of Hanlon’s office. “Hey, Sinclair! Maybe one day you’ll figure out how to spell a word with three letters in it.”

“C’mon, Jim.” Lucas smiles mischievously and shrugs.

Mike rolls his eyes and remembers that Sinclair has been trying to be a kiss-ass for weeks now. He somehow convinced Jim to play online Scrabble, and they’ve been at it for hours at work. Mike doesn’t know how to put a stop to it.

“Alright, Greta, follow me.” They step into the conference room where everyone is still situated, and Eddie slips behind Mike to step in with a small notebook. “Well, this is our team.”

“Hi everyone,” says Greta with a noticeable lack of interest, surveying the small space like a hawk.

“Lucas Sinclair, boy genius. Smooth like chocolate.”

Lucas furrows his brows. “That’s a weird way to describe me.”

“Eddie Kaspbrak, nineteen. Cool enough to be anywhere and chooses to be here.” Eddie looks up from flipping through a magazine with a blank expression, his eyes magnified by the dark eyeliner.

“And this is, of course, Ben Hanscom and Richie Tozier, the real heroes of the story.” Ben shyly waves to Greta. “Ben is the citizen who brought the pit to our attention, and Richie is the citizen who gracefully fell in it.” Mike points to the two casts on Tozier’s legs.

“Well, why don’t we get started?” asks Greta and positions herself next to Ben, taking out the tape recorder. “I need to record this, that’s okay with you?”

Mike sits down on the opposite side, and his heart starts jackhammering in the middle of the chest. He hates interviews, hates when his own words can be used against him because sometimes, he can’t control what comes out of it. And now there is a tape recorder sitting right in front of him like a taunting menace that wants to destroy his career.

“Um… Sure. That way it’s v-verbatim.” He can already feel his body temperature go up rapidly.

“Mike, are you in charge of the committee?” Greta starts scrambling a question on the page without looking up.

Mike looks nervously between the recorder and Ms. Bowie and presses the pause button quickly. “Well, um, it’s called a sub committee, actually-“

“We can do this on tape,” says Greta with a sickly smile, and releases the button. “Is this your meeting place?”

Mike feels his heart beat pick up again and he swiftly presses the pause button once more.

“Really?-“

“We don’t have a specific meeting place. We meet everywhere, and um, anywhere.”

“Alright, Mike, why don’t I ask the citizens a couple of questions first and then get back to you?”

Mike looks at Ben and at his reassuring smile nods and heads towards the office taking off his suit jacket on the way there. Once he gets to the table, he takes one of the folders and fans them over his underarms that are unnaturally soaked.

“Richie, why don’t you tell me about the night you fell into the pit?”

“I mean, it’s a pretty cool story. I just finished practicing with my band-“ Richie takes the tape recorder and put it close to his mouth, “-Three Skin, formerly Foreskin, but that one didn’t stick because our bassist quit.” He puts the recorder down when he sees Mike enter the room again, breathing heavily. He glances at Eddie sleeping on top of the magazine he was reading earlier and starts speaking louder.

“I was walking home, and I saw a toaster on the bottom of the pit,” Richie smiles when Eddie groans and lifts his head in irritation, “so I was like maybe I should get that, then I fell in, and now I have two broken legs.”

“Such a tragedy,” whispers Mike, wiping his forehead.

“Why would you want a broken toaster from the pit?” asks Greta, quickly jotting her notes. Mike is envious of her obvious confidence.

“Dude, I don’t know? I was wasted,” says Richie laughing and his head whips to the side when Mike gasps loudly, mouth open in shock.

“W-what? Richie, you were drunk?” asks Ben, tugging on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Totally. You knew that, babe.”

“I didn’t. You were supposed to tell me, I gave you anesthesia at the hospital.”

“Okay, I probably wasn’t really thinking because I had two broken femurs on top of being, like, blackout drunk-“

Mike reaches out to press pause on the tape recorder, but Greta moves it further from him without looking and continues to feverishly jot down the notes.

“Rich, I can’t believe you wouldn’t tell me about this-“

“Like you’re so perfect. You’re on ADD medication, and you drink all the time-“

“What? You’re allowed to do that!”

“Stay on the topic,” says Mike through gritted teeth and stares blankly at the wall in front of him, horrified.

“Wow, Rich, thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter,” says Ben and moves further away from his boyfriend.

Mike stands up and quickly goes back to his office, putting his head on the table as soon as his ass hits the chair. He can hear someone shuffle in and he knows it’s Ben before he starts speaking. He can feel a large hand on his shoulder, and he instantly feels himself calm down, even if the tiniest bit.

“Mike, it’s not that bad, right? Do you want me to go talk to her?” He can hear the sound of crutches and knows that Richie followed them to the office.

Mike lifts his head and looks at Ben sympathetically. “Oh, Ben. You’re so sweet and innocent and pretty. The press are basically sharks, and you guys just threw a bucket of bloody parts in the water.”

“Eddie, let me ask you something,” says Lucas, getting himself a cold cup from the water cooler. “Do you think I’m in top five good-looking guys in Pawnee?”

“No,” says Eddie without lifting his head from the magazine.

“Do you think Mike’s got me beat?”

“Lucas!” bellows Jim from the doorway of his office, cradling his cup of coffee. “You suck at Scrabble.”

“I know, right? You’re the pro.”

“You’re worse than my ex-wife, and she is the absolute worst at Scrabble.” He takes a sip of the drink. “And, she’s a bitch.”

“Ah, whatever. I’ll get better and beat you some-“

“I doubt that. Her name is Diane Hopper, and she is a serious bitch.”

Mike is already busy typing out an email to send Greta when she leaves the building. He knows this interview isn’t going to end well for him, and he’s already looking for a strategy to get out of the predicament. Mike is halfway done with the well-written letter when Ms. Bowie knocks on his door.

“You got a second?”

Mike instantly straightens in his chair, agitated. “Uh, sure.”

“I really have to head back to the office, but I didn’t get a chance to speak with you. Do you want to meet tomorrow morning at the pit? I think there’s still plenty to discuss?”

Mike stares at Greta dumbfounded for several seconds, but then finally recovers, his heart beating unbelievably fast. “Of course! I’ll see you then.”

“Alright. Bye!” calls out Greta, already typing something on her phone.

Mike arrives at the pit extra early to make sure that he’s mentally prepared for Bowie’s questions. He’s been on edge lately because of this project expanding to a size he couldn’t control, which turned out to be a much bigger deal than he anticipated. He is about to dive into the depths of the pit once again when he hears the sound of tires on gravel and notices a taxi pulling up. Mike moves closer and sees Greta getting out of the vehicle, wobbling in her heels on the uneven surface.

“Sorry I’m late!” exclaims Ms. Bowie as she struggles to make her way to Mike.

“That’s alright.”

Greta’s blonde hair looks messy, and her lipstick is smudged as if she slept with her makeup on. “Do you have a pen and paper I could borrow?”

Mike’s eyes can probably roll out of their sockets any second now. “Sorry, no.”

She nervously rummages through her purse, some of the contents spilling out on the gravel. Mike bends down to get them, but she beats him to it. I can’t believe my first interview is with such an unprofessional person. I’m fucking grateful I got to to the re-do but, Jesus, who wears the same dress the next day? AND, she’s late. I need this park, and I won’t let her ruin this.

“So, how big is this lot?” asks Greta with a black eyeliner in hand and a crumpled piece of paper that’s apparently her notebook now.

“How big is what? I don’t know, Greta, you tell me.”

“I don’t-“

“A hundred or something, I don’t know-“

“A hundred what?”

“I don’t know, Greta Bowie, I don’t know.”

“Are you okay?” Fuck this. This project means too much to me to deal with her rendezvous.

“I have to get something from my car.” Mike swiftly walks towards his Prius, locks the door and lowers the seat to a lying position. He has to take five minutes of long breaths before he musters up the courage to go back to the pit. He grabs the sunglasses from his glove compartment to make sure his cover isn’t blown. Mike stands closer to the edge again and avoids Greta’s penetrating eyeliner-smudged stare.

“So, how did you end up at the Parks and Recreation department?”

“A couple of years ago my father got me the job. It wasn’t nepotism or anything, I was actually qualified,” Mike looks down at his feet in disappointment in his own blabber mouth, “crap on a stick, technically it was ne-“ He stops midway when he sees Greta shamelessly yawning in the middle of the interview, so much that the black eyeliner she was writing with falls back on the ground.

“I’m sorry, I’m exhausted.”

Mike sighs loudly and throws his head back. Everyone knows that Greta Bowie is sort of a loose girl. But she is the best reporter in town and typically stays professional. Mike’s disappointment peaks and he leaves on account of a stomach ache, running towards Ben’s backyard which is just a minute away from where the interview was. He starts knocking on the screen door loudly, and within half a minute Ben pops up.

“Hey! You’re home.”

“Yeah. Hi.”

“Well, I was doing the interview at the pit, and it was going super well, but I left in the middle of it because it was going too well, you know what I mean?”

“Right.”

“Can I come in?”

Ben seems to hesitate for a second, his face concerned and slightly surprised. “Sure.”

Mike confidently walks straight to the kitchen, waving to Richie who’s playing Wii on the couch, just like he always does. He sits down on the kitchen table, face in his hands.

“Well, how did it go? Did she ask about Richie being drunk?” asks Ben from the counter, pouring coffee into two mugs.

“No, just standard questions. But there was one annoying thing where she showed up looking like a complete trainwreck, in the same dress form last night, and smudged makeup and everything.”

“What? Really? That’s kind of unprofessional.”

“Right? She didn’t even have the recording device or a piece of paper. It’s like, I spend so much time worrying about us not getting the approval for this pit, and now she can’t even write a sensible article.”

Ben sits down on the table and places a mug in front of his friend. “I’m sorry, Mike. This really stinks. I wish she took this more seriously. I don’t think she understands what’s at stake.”

“I know she doesn’t. I’ve heard things about her but she was so nice when we met, I didn’t really question it.”

“I know what you mean.” Ben smiles encouragingly and clinks their mugs together. They spend the rest of the afternoon playing Wii with Richie, making pancakes, and putting a puzzle together.

Lucas walks into his office and sees Eddie sitting at his desk, nervously biting his lip. “What are you doing here?”

Eddie looks up and smiles mischievously, swiveling away from the computer. “Kicking Jim’s butt in Scrabble. I just played ‘Lexicons’. He’s going down.”

Lucas looks horrified from where he stands on the threshold of the doorway. “No, no, no, no, no!” He runs up to Eddie and pushes the chair out of the way.

“What?”

“I was letting him win, you dumbass.” Lucas shoves Eddie out of the chair and sits down to check the score.

“Whatever.”

“C’mon. Lateral? Communal? Zonal? A ‘Z’? Are you fucking kidding me? Eddie!” Lucas turns around to scream some more, but Eddie already exited the room, laughing on his way to the water cooler. Lucas swears he heard the boy say ‘kissass’.

Mike enters the office and instantly plops into the chair, irritation, and disappointment filling the room. Lucas notices the tension right away and stares at Mike incredulously. The other quickly grabs the phone and punches in a number.

“Greta Bowie speaking.”

“Hi, this is the deputy director of Parks and Recreation-“

“Mike?”

“Yeah. Hi.”

“Hi-“

“I accidentally ate an old burrito.”

“What?”

“I was acting very strange yesterday, and it’s simply because I had food poisoning from that burrito. So… I was hoping we could have a redo of the interview over lunch? I’m buying.”

“Sure, I guess I’m free. I assume we won’t be eating Mexican.”

“Why?”

“Because of your burrito?”

“Oh,” Mike laughs whole-heartedly at his own stupidity. “Well, it wasn’t a Mexican burrito.”

“Are you sure that’s the best thing to eat right now? asks Greta, pointing at the large stack of waffles sitting in front of Mike, whipped cream a tall tower on top. They decide to go to JJ’s diner after all since it’s Mike’s favorite place in town. Since waffles is a sensible food choice for a grown man.

“What do you mean? It’s the best thing on the menu.” Mike takes a sip of coffee and sighs in frustration. “Look, I feel like I acted oddly at the pit, and I wanted to apologize.”

“Yeah, you were kind of weird.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say weird. Look, we’re just trying to turn this eyesore into a beautiful community park, and your positive article could really help us out.”

Greta smiles slightly and nods. “Okay. Let me ask you a little more questions then. What are the odds that the park is actually going to get made?”

“A hundred percent? I’d be lying if I said I have doubts.”

“Wow, you’re a lot more confident than your coworkers. Do you want to hear some of these quotes?”

Mike shifts in his seat, growing slightly uncomfortable, and his appetite is no longer present. “Sure.”

“The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit.”

“Well, duh, until we turn it into a park.” Mike starts cutting into the waffles to distract himself.

“Hey, you should write an article about unicorns since they’re more likely to exist than this park.”

Mike laughs nervously, waffle falling out of his mouth. “Tell that to a fourteen-year-old girl.”

“You should write an article on the Pope getting married because that’s more likely to happen than this park.”

“There are some counties where the Pope can be married,” says Mike, stuffing an abnormally large waffle piece in his mouth, the fork shaking slightly.

“You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky-“

“Why would you write an article about that-“

“This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen.”

Something about that specific sentence is simply too much for Mike. He slumps in the seat and admits the defeating tightness in his chest, hoping that whatever people said isn’t going to affect that building of the park that much. But it’s mostly wishful thinking.

“Jim Hoppaaaaaaaaar,” sings Lucas when he sees his boss step out of the office.

Jim turns around and comes up to the table where Sinclair is eating some yogurt, and Hopper is clearly frustrated.

“Lucas.”

Young man sighs in defeat and puts the food down. “Look, Jim, I don’t know what to tell you, man. Eddie was on my computer, and the game was already open. It was all him, I didn’t touch it. I don’t even know what lexicons are, I thought it was a luxury vehicle. You’re the word king! And Eddie was obviously cheating,” says Lucas quickly, nervously throwing his hands around.

“I knew it couldn’t have been you. You don’t even have the vocabulary,” says Jim smirking.

“I know-“

“You can’t even spell vocabulary.”

“Uh, yeah. V-O-G-X— Ugh! Was that right?”

Jim steps back to his office, smiling. “We’re cool.”

“Okay, Jim, listen to this.” Mike saunters into his boss’ office with the newspaper in hand.

“I don’t ca-“

“An abandoned lot on Sullivan Street has been proposed as the site of a new park. That’s good. But then it gets a little unpleasant. Da-da-da. Ben has ADD… Pretty drunk…. I didn’t throw up, I spit up. JJ’s diner got a nice ad here. Oh! We’ll see.”

“Mike, this article is not good-“

“It ends on a hopeful note, Jim. That’s all I need.” Mike puts the newspaper in front of his boss and leaves the office with a wide smile on his face.

Perma Tag: @happytozier @studpuffin @j0ys @qwertykevin @its-stranger-than-you-think @trippy-alexissss @letmybabyystayy @tinyarmedtrex @d-nbroughs @aizeninlefox

Parks & Rec AU Tag: @gazebo-motherfucker @1-800-lonelyheartsclub

#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #Lucas Sinclair #jim hopper #ben hanscom #mike hanlon #parks and rec au #my writing #stranger things crossover #stanlon #greta bowie

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