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I don’t like caring about people who are gone, it hurts and I never stop missing them.

Even someone really abusive who honestly would have been one of the most amazing people in the world if not for their projecting and delusion… to such an awful horrible and actually traumatising degree…

I would beg them to stop aggravating or inciting things and always try take them into account only to be called abusive myself…

They really made me want to kill myself severely at times and I actually did commit harmful things because of their actions which lead me to classify them as an abuser, but funnily I still feel bad for that title and was constantly dismissed, belittled or gaslighted into being the bad one…

In some ways, I wish them well because they have potential to be good and I miss them…

Ignorance, indifference and probably hatred is bliss?

I’m also terrified and worried about person I hope is close, they did something and I wish I could give them nice things but I know by now… learned from some, especially including the abuser, that I can never give anything good even if I try…

I’m worthless.

I miss my bestfriend and the person I hope close.

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I know it’s like, the whole point, but sometimes I wish English degrees didn’t require such an engagement with emotional material. Like yeah, generally I enjoy analysing stuff but sometimes you’re just not emotionally equipped to be thinking deeply about long poems with dark subject matters all the time and are jealous of those who just have to analyse data about rocks or whatever. But you can’t exactly be like ‘I’ll think about it next week’ cause that’s not how the course works.

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i wanna complain bc i feel like it.

I genuinely feel like my friends don’t respect me. Ppl got upset when I didn’t reach out to them when things got bad but ive tried reaching out and i either get ignored/invalidated. I’ve spent this pandemic virtually alone. I keep trying to tell them how lonely i am but I don’t think they care tbh. I want to make new friends but covid has caused my trust issues to SPIKE and I don’t feel comfortable meeting new people. Winter is approaching and soon I won’t be able to meet people outside. Idk what to do. I’m just sad and alone all the time

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