#very mailable ... easily manipulated

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait Reacts To The AE 9/?

Hi! These reactions are written out every time a Chatroom opens and it’s done over the course of the day. So, you’re watching me react in real time as it is for me. So, Spoilers AHOY. Expect Another post like this later today, there is just too many chats to put it all in one post. So, hey, if you click this, you’re opening yourself to spoilers, you make the choice.

[16:25]

Rika isn’t happy to say the least. I mean, what do you expect? She’s a path of destruction and a downward spiral that we can’t ignore. We can’t ignore it cause we are at the mercy of that destruction. It’s a really short chat because she has a lot on her mind from what she saw earlier. 

The little glass house that he was trying to build for herself huh? Yeah, that’s crumbling because she seems to know very that she’s got no control over him anymore and that’s not what she wants. She wants him to be pliable. Mailable. She just wants him to be the way that Ray was, honestly, I note that from the start of the chat. The Ray that we knew and loved at the start that’s now apart of GE Saeran. 

She wants him to break. She wants him to bow his head and listen and he’s not going to do that. I don’t imagine he ever will again. He doesn’t want to do that and that’s that. She leaves the chatroom really quickly, though, I can sense that something isn’t right. When people like this tend to get angry and mad about the loss of control over people, they tend to—

Lash out. 

I’m actually really proud of Saeran. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about forgive or judge. He doesn’t want to waste his energy loathing or living or stewing in the pain. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it. He knows that pain and he very well knows it. He knows this like the back of his hand. He knows what it feels like to used, to be manipulated, to be hurt, and so on and so forth. He looks at Rika, and he just simply says it like it is. He saw what he did. He saw what Rika did, and he is aware of the... connection.

Rika pushed him to hurt in the same ways that she hurt. The difference is that he was able to realize he was wrong. The need to put up walls and to be strong, to hurt before you are hurt. He knows that feeling very well. He knows what that is because he did it himself, and he’s still apologizing and trying to make up for that fact every single day. He knows that forgiveness isn’t given easily, but we gave it to him and he wants to prove he was worthy of that. 

He wants to be better, not just for me. 

Not just for others. 

It’s for himself. He knows what it feels like to be angry and trapped in this cycle of endless trauma, this endless struggle to be the strongest you can be to stop people from leaving you or hurting you or what have you. It hurts him to be that way, it hurts him to hurt others, it hurts him to do... that. He doesn’t want to be that way ever again. Rather, he wants to be happy. To be happy, he has to admit his mistakes and grow from that. 

He has to be willing to reflect inward as well as outward. 

It’s better to admit when you’ve made a mistake because then you can grow from it and become a better person. While he doesn’t like Rika or want to be near her, he does offer her some advice and it was very kind of him to do that because he doesn’t owe her shit. He just sees her suffering in this hatred and tells her why he is the way he is, and why when he and Ray came together, they learned from that and became who they are right now. 

That’s all he has to say. 

And Rika flips the hell out. She wants him to be angry and lash out but he’s not doing that. She wants him to hate her and she wants to see him spark with rage and anger all the time. Loathe her. Give her fire and reason to exist. This is all that she knows. She stops, “What if I do something worse to you? You’ll hate me then, won’t you?!” 

Saeran, “It doesn’t matter if you do.” 

“Don’t lie to me!” she shouts at him with burning in her eyes, “I know what you’re thinking. You’ll hate me! You’ll loathe me—”

“If you keep telling yourself that now... you’ll make yourself the greatest victim of all,” Saeran says. “If I get to choose what I do before I die. I want to choose to be understanding instead of hating others. I’m not saying I love you, or hate you. Sorry I changed.”

Then she fucking breaks down in tears and admits that she’s been selfish to him. She has been claiming she’s been taking care of others when all she’s been doing is torturing them. She claims that she still wants to be loved and her inner child is hurting. Her body is too big for the love she craves. She’s scared of being left behind or rejected. She says, “It’s all because I was an orphan that nobody ever wanted. I thought it would repeat forever and ever.” 

Saeran stops her before she can finish. “Can I ask you something? I know you just got back but...”

“What?”

“I... I want some ice cream.”

Now that was a lot. 

I’m proud of Saeran, point blank. He’s handling this much better than I do with his abuser. He’s the bigger person and he keeps his cool. I’m proud of him but I don’t trust Rika. She spiraled but she’s not turning over to our side. I don’t trust that. I don’t trust her. She’s too dangerous and volatile. She’s going to crack at some point and honestly.

I’m kind of worried about the one big secret that remains. Is she going to break down and admit what she did to Mother Choi? She literally said that was the very moment that she gave up on everything and let herself do things without looking back or questioning the good or bad in it. She just acted. So, I have to wonder if that secret will be revealed...

I don’t know. 

It might make matters worse. 

[17:55]

I’m a bit complicated. I know that Saeran has decided not to lash out at Rika, it is out of pity, more than anything. He hasn’t forgiven her but he’s being the bigger person and that’s respectable. Rika has... done a 180 degree turn in a matter of minutes and that’s not okay. Listen, things don’t change that fast. If you move too fast and don’t even think it through, something is going to go wrong here. I do not know if it’s... if she’s going to lose her mind about something or if she’s going to reveal the truth. 

I don’t know if she’s going to crack here. I honestly cannot tell what’s going to happen with Rika. It’s too calm, it’s too fast, and it’s too simple. I’m not going to be tricked or led to believe that she’s going to turn around this fast. Nope, that is not how this works. Let me just show the two moments that let me know again all I need to know: 

She’s saying that she’s grateful Saeran hit her with a callout post. She says that she’s grateful that he’s being “kind.” She gets that he just looks at her as someone he wants to understand in some kind of way, but one day she hopes that she’ll be able to draw a smile out of him the same caliber that we do for him and that’s...We all know this isn’t going to last.

Any shift that Rika has had is going to be broken the minute that Saeyoung and I are meant to escape and I’m honestly... fearful. Rika has blacked out in self-defense before and killed someone. We all know who she killed. We all know that this is somehow going to tie together somehow. I don’t know how but this is just my suspicion! 

And then she hit me with the good old: 

Don’t worry, Saeran swapped the secure chat on when she left. He said the RFA can join the safe chat now, and that they could be seeing that we’re talking to one another right now... and he begins to do this again, telling me that he’s going to leave. He doesn’t want me to be said. But, I’m sad. I know that this isn’t really what he wants but he doesn’t see anything else...

He’s willing to be selfless if it protects others. I know that feeling very well, but it is hard to be this type of person when someone does it to you. Honestly, if the boys were both awake, we, all three, would be having a bickering match about who should stay behind because my dumbass would be saying leave me while they be free, Saeyoung would disagree that Saeran and I should leave, and Saeran would say that no, Saeyoung and I should leave because he can survive this. 

He... says that when he looks at the clouds, he thinks of me now. We know that he value that freedom. I try. I try to plead with him. I can’t accept it, that’s not how to get the good ending, at least, that’s what I think. I’m literally doing this blind without any help and I’m just following my heart. I don’t always get hearts so I’m not sure! 

So, here we are... crying about the end. Well, I am. I’m still crying. 

I’m not leaving you behind, Saeran. I won’t. I have to find a way to make this work and I have to find a way to protect you. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I have to try. 

I’m not sure if we’re in the same room as Saeran when this happens, but V comes into the room. He suddenly says that he wants to release Saeran. He said that Rika said to do it. He asks if he runs. V said, “The agents will catch you if you try. You will not be going anywhere. But.. I guess Rika trusts you.” 

V looks strained. 

“What?” 

“It’s nothing.”

V calls after this. 

V actually agrees with me that Rika changed too fast. Well, I can see even in your darkness and worst self, you know that she’s progressing a way that isn’t good. He says that he failed Rika because he was too scared to tell her to her face what he felt. Rika’s change is welcome, he says, but he has his doubts on this. He and V need to reflect, he says. He just wishes that things are going to be peaceful after Saejoong. He says something odd after I ask if his plan is going to work. “You sound as if there is something I am unaware of.” 

V, I don’t trust you. 

He says that he wants to help Rika, but honestly, this isn’t the way. What’s worse is that he’s starting to imply something that builds onto my fear of what Rika is most guilty of. The murder is a big deal. I’m not gonna lie. That was what she called her moment of no return. So, you know. He knows. I know. This isn’t going to be the same very soon.

Yeah. I thought so. 

Anyways. I called Saeran after this and I got a very lengthy call with him. I did cry about it. He talks about the stars... he wishes he could share the view with the three of us. I ask him if he wants to say anything to Saeyoung, what would he ask if we were together like this? He says... well, I find himself drawn to the Gemini constellation. I often imagine... what he may think when he sees it. I say that he would think of him. Saeran is worried that he might be annoyed, but I know him. Saeyoung would never.

Saeran sighs. “Yeah, you spent more time with him then I did. He gave up everything for me. I hope he becomes free. I hope that he can go on rides... I know he loves cars. One day fly away far in a spaceship... get some ice cream... I’m sure he’d love exploring. I hope that he explores all kinds of places for me. I hope that he tells himself that I see what he sees when he sees the stars, and the Gemini.

And now, Saeran has got me fucking sobbing again. I swear to go, I keep fucking getting upset and crying. I haven’t been okay since 11:11AM. I cannot even express words right now. I’m just crying because I love him so much and all of this. Magenta... Ray... Suit Saeran... Saeray. I’m just... I. You can see what I mean here. I was crying and I stupid laughed when he brought up those times in the past. 

He was always there when I needed him. 

[19:09]

Saeran isn’t tied up anymore. That’s good. Rika let him go free from the chains and that’s... okay. She’s still... you know? She even jests that she may consider talking to the agency for a moment to let me stay, but I know that’s a farce. She doesn’t want that. The second that you say you don’t want it, she just turns it right back against you and says that she can not involve you in this, and yeah, it isn’t a surprise. Rika has always said what people want to hear. I don’t trust her change for a second. 

She asks if we’ll talk after this. V logins in before I can answer. I say that it’s a relief that things have “loosened” up. V goes, “Was it vicious before?” Really? You are gonna say that when you drugged Saeyoung in front of you? Really? In front of my brother in law? REALLY? 

V very clearly doesn’t trust this change in Rika. He has to ask if she really is okay. I hate that I snorted at this. I really do. It’s not funny. 

V asks why it never worked when they were together, then. She says that she was too scared of what everyone would think when they knew who she really was but now she doesn’t have that. Everyone knows what she really is and who she really is. Saeran “only wanted to be nice to me. He’ll be nice, that’s how he has decided to live now.” 

Unlike Saejoong.

Rika asks me I think that she’ll pay the price. What is that price? She says that she is ready for the waves to crash.

I doubt it. 

You’re still hiding something. 

V says that he wants to have the surgery to fix his eye after they make up with Saeyoung, and Rika goes, “I’m sorry. But, hey, I should go ahead and book it for you since that’s going to happen either way!” 

Then she leaves, and I’m stuck with V again. I have a sinking feeling in my damn gut and oh my fucking GOD. WHY AM I RIGHT AGAIN?! “Rika has a secret. It is a big one. I don’t know if things wil hold... if Saeran learns the truth. But, I think it is time. I think it’s time to talk about the truth. I need to see if this sweet hope is actually something that I can manifest.”

He leaves the chatroom and the Visual novel starts. He takes Saeran out of the room to talk. Saeran doesn’t want to because it’s getting late and we only have so much time together but... V notes that something is off. But, Saeran talks fast and wants his answers to what this is about. V sighs, saying that they cannot talk where Rika can hear them. He asks Saeran if he thinks that Rika has really changed or not. 

Saeran asks why he went back to her... was it to make her secure? He has to admit that he doesn’t understand V. He wants to know why he left all of that and if it’s really because he... doesn’t want to be his father and do what he did to his mother, you know? V says... kind of, but there’s more to it than that. V wants his answers to something. Maybe the guilt of who Rika is now. He only knew the change from Rika. That’s why he always followed after her. He knows that it’s dumb and that he’s being stupid. Jihyun admits that he’s done wrong, he went and protected a criminal and hurt his friends. 

Saeran says, “Well you must be curious yourself then if you’re willing to risk all of that.” 

V says, “Well, I’m deformed. You know that.” 

“It took you two a while to get here,” Saeran says. 

“I’m not sure if we are there or if you can say there is an US,” V says. 

Have they changed? Will they ever know? He’s afraid but he wants to see the burns through until the end. Saeran scoffs, “The way that you love is dangerous and bizarre.” 

“I’m deformed,” he repeats. “That’s why I’m attracted to this, I suppose.” 

V admits that he heard what Rika and Saeran talked about. He heard it and he wonders about this. Does he really mean this? Does he mean that he will stay the way he is now if he knows? If he knows that there is something more? Will he stay the same even if there is something horrible about Rika? Will he forgive her? Will he forgive V?

That’s his Question.

Saeran, “There’s something I’m not aware of?”

V, “...If you can treat her well even after learning the very last fault, she will change. I know it. So... would you?” 

FUCKING KNEW IT. FUCKING CALLED IT. I WAS RIGHT. I WAS FUCKING RIGHT. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Rika is going to crack when the secret is going to be revealed, oh my God, what is going to happen in the two chats that are left at the end of the day? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN? 

#long post #mod kait #kait reacts to the ae #KaitReactsToTheAE #SaeranAfterEnding #Saeran ae #saeran after ending #mm #mysme #mysticmessenger #mystic messenger #mystic messenger saeran #mysme saeran #saeran mysme #saeran mystic messenger #saeran mm #mm saeran #saeran #saeran choi #choi saeran #spoilers #spoiler