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mbrainspaz · 5 years

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oh man. I forgot about thumbelina.

thumbelina. I haven’t even thought about it in nearly 20 years. I don’t think there’s a single other movie that messed with my childhood psyche like that movie did.

holyyyy crap--Within 2 seconds of the opening song I’m 7 years old and sitting on the living room floor with paper towel rolls tapped to my arms. wow

THE BIRD GUY! I LOVED HIM. I IDOLIZED THE BIRD MAN. Doesn’t he get tragically injured? That didn’t shape my love of injured heroes at allllll.

I don’t remember this movie being beautiful but it sure is. The storybook intro is as boring as ever though. Give us tiny people!

bahaha, she totally just accepts finding a tiny person in a flower. Yeah sure why not?

Oh the singing chickens. I hated those. I actually remember this opening song being viscerally terrifying. Maybe this is why I don’t like chickens.

and the DOG. OH no. no no no no. The dog still scares me. Who would ever design a dog like that 😆

Mother is me in 30 years my pals. Chillin’ on my European farm with my smol daughter I found inside a flower. That’s the dream.

Wait aren’t there giant evil bugs in thi--waaaaaaah she’s singing! I remember this song!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAH. Leave me alone to cry melodramatic 7-year-old tears.

Yeah remember the movie ‘Epic’? It’s okay, nobody does. I own it on DVD. I can tell you right now that I loved that movie because of this one.

heh, I always hated the fairy prince’s hairstyle but he’s so cute anyway. Definitely forgot he was named Cornelius. That’s fantastic.

wow she’s trusting. 😂

This whole movie is progressing 5000 times faster than I remember.

I LOVE THIS SOOOOONG. Tbh if anyone sang this to me --that’s it. This is officially the one acceptable use of insta-love trope.

THE FROGSSSSSS OH MY GOSH THE CREEPY FROG DUDE. AAAAAAAAH. (why are the creepy frogs hispanic???? hmmmmmmmmm. 👀 I had a Spanish-speaking Nanny so this just seemed familiar at the time I guess. )

woof, rotoscoped much?

AAAAAH THE WALNUT THING!!! THERE IT IS--THE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA! why is this still horrifying? 😂

yaaaaay bride abduction.

Aw it’s such a catchy song but it’s setting my teeth so on edge.

Yep that creepy toad is the ultimate creepy dude-bro.

BIRD MAN. BIRDDDDD BIRD BIRD BIRD

This whole plot is so simple and small. I remember it being so impossibly big.

yeah I totally shipped thumbelina and the bird man (in like, the biggest platonic friendship of all time. not romantically. I’m still too aromantic for that to this day, lol)

FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!!! ❤️ 💜 💙 💛 💗 💚 💖

“You’re joking!” lol “We can’t delay the frost for more than a DAY!” The plot of this movie is so wild.

Toad clowns. Eugh. Still so freaked out. I’m so freaked out.

THE BEATLEEEE AAAAAH -- THAT VOICE! --- THAT CHARACTER DESIGN!!! -- HOLY CRAP. So deeply disturbing. This is peak horror y’all. I don’t care if I’m 7 or 27. This is HORROR. This is the face of my nightmares.

More kidnapping. Yep.

This whole sequence makes no sense, but it’s like... so horrifically ingrained in my psyche??? 'Cause what’s a children’s movie without a whole sequence about objectification and emotional abuse????

Rapist toad again.

MY BIRD MAN HAS COME BACK FOR ME. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH 😭

MY HEART

The whole sequence with the rabbit and the fox is nonsense???

THORN IN HIS WING NOOOOOOO. Okay I remember that being a lot more traumatic than it was.

“I’m looking for a beautiful young woman!” Bro ain’t we all.

This whole exchange between the toad and the beetle is like part of a different movie.

THE PRINCE.... FROZE???? WTFFFFFFFFFFFF I don’t remember this

excuse me where is my boy. Where is my bird boy.

*gasps* the fieeeeeld mouuuuussssse. Oof. This is dark. 😲

“Cornelius was the only one”--- B*TCH GAICOMO HAS DONE MORE FOR YOU THAN THAT FAIRY PUNK EVER COULD

MOLE?!?!?!?!?! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A DIFFERENT MOVIE. I THOUGHT THIS WAS PART OF THAT MOVIE ABOUT THE DOGS GOING TO HEAVEN. I’M SO CONFUSED.

Why does this movie have so many disturbing, manipulative, rapey men?

“Winter has killed everything.” - yowza.

NO GIACOMO!!!!! MY BABY! Giacomooooooooo nooooooooooo

Stop everything else. Giacomo is all I care about. OH MY HEART

the li’l bug dudes are up now? Gosh did any movie ever have so many random characters????

“Love won’t pay the mortgage or put porridge in your bowl”--- YEAH OK let’s have a song about marrying an aging sugar daddy!

GIACOMOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭 This is it. The scene.

omg the mole wedding dress. Peak horror fashion. This is heartbreaking.

“NEVER.” GET IT GIRL. It’s about time.

she really just ditched the prince for sunlight. Relatable, honestly.

GIACOMO 💕

“AND I’LL NEVER LET YOU FALL!” AAAAAAH

holy mother of 80′s rainbow palaces

I’m sorry but where is giacomo.

there he is. My boy.

oh yeah, and FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!!!!! 💜 and bring on the synth keyboard

#my childhood #liveblogging #mbrainspaz liveblogs #thumbelina #90's kid #old cartoon #animation #storytelling #romance #childhood fave #tiny people trope #musicals #rewatch #tired blogging #nightblogging????#I've had a horrible day but this made me so happy #a review nobody asked for

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electrifyingstitches · 5 years

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TRUTH: Name one nice thing you like about your mom. DARE: You and your mom have a spa date!

TRUTH OR DARE TIME! (accepting)

- Send my muse one question AND one dare. My muse will have to choose whether to tell the truth or accept the challenge! -

♪♫ “GASP! That’s cheating! I WANNA DO BOTH!” How to break truth or dare. Give them two positive things so they have an internal turmoil “WHY MUST YOU DO THIS ANON?” ♫♪

♪♫ On the one hand, she loves talking about her mom and saying good things about her is the best! On the other hand, she could invite her mom to a spa day and actually help her relax and sort of be as a pay back for being the bestest mom ever! You know… the spa looks like a good idea! ♫♪

♪♫ “I’m telling you mom! You are gonna love it!” The franken girl claimed as she pushed her mother towards the spa. Being a bit workaholicas she is, Mary hasn’t taken a day off since forever, and it was starting to show. The poor lady was all stiff and exhausted all the time yet she did not realize about it cause she was nose deep in her work all the time ♫♪

-☼- “Sweetie, I already told you I am fine. I do not need to take a day off!” Complained the mother wanting to get back to work, but Vicky was having none of that! -☼-

♪♫ “You promised me we would have a spa day together so we are having a spa day together!” ♫♪

-☼- “Alright, Alright. But I’m taking the first massage” -☼-

-☼- It was no point in arguing with the construct. Not that she was complaining, she doesn’t get to spend too much time with Vicky as she wants so... maybe being away from her work one day was not going to kill her -☼-

♪♫ And so mother and daughter spend the whole day together in the spa, talking, having a good day and catching up with one and other, as they were pampered all days like the queens they are. No monsters gave them shit cause they know better now to mess with a crazy scientist and a girl that can literally control electricity ♫♪

~ Oh you want to know about the day they spend together in more detail? Maybe some other time, let’s give this two girls some space and much needed bonding time. Maybe I’ll write a small fic about it tomorrow :3c ~

-☼- “WAAAAAAAH! That was really nice. Thanks a lot Sweetie! How about I cook your favorite food to repay you?” -☼-

♪♫ “HECK YEA! MOM’S HOMEMADE HAMBURGERS WITH FRIES! WOOOOOOO” Vicky and Mary shared one last hug before heading back home to have a nice and lovely dinner together ♫♪

#anonymous #🎈♥ ;;queue;; ♥🎈#🎈♥ ;;ask;; ♥🎈#🎈♥ ;;Vicky;; ♥🎈#🎈♥ ;;Mary Stitches;; ♥🎈#~ this was kinda fun to write ~#~ Thanks anon ~

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jess1820 · 6 years

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ti amo nyc! seeing phoenix 3x with feenix friends (jul 5 - 7 2018)

So! 3 days of phoenix with wonderful people in new york (my first time in nyc!), I don’t even know where to begin x.x (Pictures are on IG, video on YT). The Speciale shows are beautiful and incredible, and the boys put so much thought, detail, and love into it all. It was one of the best experiences in my life and it was so fun seeing everyone at the shows!!

under the cut is pretty much a rambling summary of the shows (amazing and adorably decorated), cute moments, and when we met them (ft. my fav convo with branco abt pokemon and witnessing brotherly tension)

💘 @andersfel @funkyphoenixfan @thesunwillshineagain

7/5 | Night 1 💗

the show The show was amazing! It had been 7 months since I had last seen them. We were between Deck and Chris, I settled for the second row (I could have squished to the barrier but it was more comfortable to just be behind a little). That day was super humid and hot, so this show was probably the most sweatiest, but so satisfying. It was such a fun time! We got consolation prizes which is always super great! And countdown for Mads aaaaa (it was her 21st birthday, guess who (Chris ofc) sung to her 😭!!!) It was such a beautiful moment. They played Goodbye Soleil first and she was a bit down, but once it finished, COUNTDOWN happened! She was so happy it was the best reaction (what a complete 180 lol). Telefono was such a tune to hear live, I loved it! They were using the telefono booth instead of the red telephone (after the show you could get a polaroid in the booth for $1, such a cute idea whaaaa!!).

I thought for the Speciale they chose to use different guitars (Chris’s mint green, Branco’s array of guitars (black and red) instead of the og guitars (telecaster and cream bullet), but turns out they just didn’t have their regular guitars in time because their gear was still being held by air france until the 4th show lol.

after the show

thomas After the show, we went outside to wait (we should have wandered the disco afterparty that was happening inside! The boys were hanging out meeting fans). About an hour later, Thomas came outside first wearing a white tee and backpack on. It was a small group outside so he went around to everyone, signing stuff and taking photos, and he hugged everyone too! He was so nice and gentle as usual. He left shortly after because he said it was past his kids bedtime and he had to put them into bed, something sweet like that 😭. Romy was at the show (with we think, Cedric’s daughter?) and they were helping run the merch stand! It was too cute!! They were so sweet. They were also in front of the barrier at some songs on the far right jumping and having such a good time during the show! It was so pure. (And I guess Vee is bffs with Romy now hahaha).

deck Ok next up, Deck came out and was very chatty and goofy. He didn’t go to the afterparty. Vee said something about him being a charmer and he imitated playing a violin to be romantic, oh, he is so precious. Deck was really examining the Rally single I brought to get signed and he was like oh this is very rare and was looking at it, front and back. He was so nice and so cute 💘.

branco (and chris) Branco came out next and was so pretty wearing a koi fish print shirt. He has the best shirts. B was very friendly. Mads brought up the Coco thing (he signed as Coco on her INBLT booklet from the Manila show) and we got to hear him talk about his nickname again, it was so sweet and precious (his nieces call him Coco if you need a refresher). I love hearing him speak in general aaaa (you know me). Gotta say I also loved hearing him yell “Monsieur Mazzalai” at Chris because he was the last one needed to sign Mad’s awesome jacket. Chris made a face at him 😂. I had a few minutes with B and I am v happy he signed his name with the music note doodle! Sadly I didn't have the time to get to Chris bc he had to leave in a separate car (the rest of the boys got into one van, I remember Branco had a whole foods market bag aha). I did get to watch Chris run to the car with his suitcase which was funny and adorable, I love him.

7/6 | Night 2 💗

the show They did long distance call!! Aaah! I was finally at the barrier, right between Thomas and Deck (literally the center can you believe it). The show was amazing as usual and they had balloons that would rain down on us in italian flag colors. It was at this show where a lot of balloons were falling onto the stage so Deck was using his bass and hitting the balloons (og it was so precious). He was having so much fun. I got a Deck wink during the show too aaa 💖 . Also, they played Lovelife with Giorgio Poi which was really cool! The boys had told us yesterday that they had a special planned for tonight, and this was that! And, I got to touch Thomas’s hair lol he was in our section a lot! 💘

after the show

so many faces We stayed for the afterparty because the boys had told us last night to stay and meet them here. It was funny because we were all awkward at the party so we followed them around like children while other people were actually partying.

We saw Sofia!!! She was gorgeous, literally radiating. It was unreal to see her in person. Cosima was with her! We also saw Chris’s girlfriend! Ah they were so cute (they were getting sake, dancing by the DJ, it was adorable). Chris was going around everywhere, drinking a lot of sake and beer lol. I flagged him down once to say hi and he said hello and he pat my back and LEFT 😂. So I had to flag him down again to ask for rally to be signed. It was a bit uncomfortable to follow them around and when there’s a moment/you get the guts to say hi they are either with someone else or with family and you’re just standing there so awkwardly lol. It’s easier to talk to them when they’re outside vs inside with music playing and it being a bit dark. I think we all agreed on this.

branco I also spotted Branco too! I found him near the back by the merch and asked for a photo again. My phone was such a failure that it took a while to get a photo so when it was done he asked if it was okay, twice 😭 (it’s still a bit blurry but I think it’s cute). Sweet bb koala you are so precious 🐨.

7/7 | Night 3 💗

the show We were back at the barrier for the last night (for us), back to the right side between Deck and Chris. We got to hear playground love (waaaaaaah) and tuttifrutti! Playground love was so beautiful og 😭.

Throughout each night during sunskrupt, Branco would take a water break. A massive water break. He would drink water, keep the bottle at his lips and look into the screen, pondering life, then take another long drink of water. It was so long we were laughing and watching him drink water each night 😂 It was such a thing. I was that dork who took photos of this moment hahaha.

After playground love was countdown (when Chris came out, he brought his own guitar instead of picking up the one that was on stage, already tuned I think). Going into countdown, he had to put a capo on the guitar and tune it a bit, which took a very short amount of time but it was still something he had to do, and he was like ah merde! It was really funny and cute to hear him swear on stage since it was dead quiet 😂

cute speciale things I tried their phoenix sake and took a polaroid in the telefono booth! It’s so cute. I also tried their childhood sandwiches on a “DAMN good baguette” (yeah they advertised it like this) and I gotta say, it sure was tasty. I didn’t get to try the gelato. Everything was so cute, they had ti amo balloons and a disco ball. They had a DJ too (I remember seeing Hedlund and Daniel Glass DJ-ing). The super mercato was so cool but I heard it kept breaking. Luckily I was able to get the pins and patches I wanted! (Though I didn’t notice they had a blue ti amo patch until it was too late!) The merch table also had a lot of cool merch and some old stuff from Bankrupt!. The entire vibe of the place was amazing. Every glass surface was graffitied with phoenix ti amo nyc 💘.

after the show

chris and branco (ft. the greatest conversation) The afterparty this night felt a bit more natural for us. Maybe because we knew what to expect, but overall it was just more comfortable. At the party, we saw only Chris wandering around. We spoke to him and got to tell him we were all friends online and he was really surprised (it was cute). He was v thankful for us cheering so much! He was so smiley aaah. Mads finally was able to give him the cutest phoenix doodle she made (literal cutest he found himself and kept pointing to it 😭). I also remember a bit where Vee was talking about Deck’s spider pose and Chris was asking how to do it and then he tried to do it 😂 Chris is the best hahaha

After the venue kicked us out/ the party ended, we went outside and found that Branco was already outside talking to other fans. I was being silly on this last night and was speaking (was I loud?) about how cute he was to my friends and saying dumb things like look at those eyebrows and those cheeks (everything abt him is so cute ok i love this koala) and he stared into my soul 3 times (while talking to another group of fans) 🙈 and I didn’t know what to do im sorry for staring at u B 😭 💀 (you’re so pretty god!!)

Ok once it was our turn to talk to B, we talked to him abt…..pokemon 😂 (I don’t want to say too much but supposedly he has pokemon go and I love pokemon so you can imagine why we went down this path). It was a perfect opportunity since Vee also likes pokemon and her backpack featured the eevee evolutions. He was like ahh pokemon…. We asked him to pick a favorite from the backpack and I think he was confused (it was dark) and he pointed to eevee and named it as pikachu. The way he said it was so cute oh my god. He was like that’s pikachu (he said it twice). We were telling him that’s eevee and then he was saying that he is very old from another time, the shakespearean time. I think Vee then said he’s immortal or a vampire and he didn’t deny it. (idk why) I had to bring up the old cringe photoshoot they did where he looks like a vampire and he was watching and listening to me so intently as I was describing it. Mads saved it and just said it was posted on their IG and he was like ahh. (He probably was like these girls are so weird). Then he said that he knew the pokemon names but in french and so he pointed to vaporeon and said that’s aquali. It was SO CUTE. WOW. I can still hear his voice saying aquali. Literally so precious.

Switching topics, Mads was asking if he saw the super cute doodle she did that she gave to Chris and I think he said he didn’t, but Chris said he showed him? (this part is a little fuzzy for me). Branco said that Chris never lies, called him over and then they were discussing if Chris had shown him/if Branco was present. Chris said that Branco probably forgot, then shortly after they started to speak in french to each other and we felt like shit was going down right in front of us omg (brothers fighting?!). At the end of it Branco opened his mouth without saying anything, then closed it, speechless (or, I thought of a cat showing its teeth lol) it was insane.

Aaaaaa if you made it here thanks for reading 💗 It was such a cool time seeing phoenix with the feenix gang from online! I hope we all get to do it again in the future ✨ You all made this experience so memorable.

#laurent brancowitz #christian mazzalai #deck d'arcy #thomas mars #wearephoenix #phoenix #ti amo nyc #jess and the frenchie baguettes #branco #yo we all have to do this again sometime it was the best!!!#i love and miss you all waahhh #andersfel #funkyphoenixfan #thesunwillshineagain

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gothicashworld · 7 years

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Still Recovering but I wrote this:

It was raining outside. The torrents had not let up for three days, many believing it to be an omen of things to come…. Of the battle they were to face the next night.

Akito Ereri had been plotting the attack for a month, since Kiyo had needed to be on bedrest. He knew every detail, every role they needed to play in order to finally end the deadly game they played.

“M'lord?” An Ookami -Sukya was her name- poked her head in. She was still in her maid uniform, despite it being so late. “Kiyo-hime wishes to see you.”

With a grunt of acknowledgement, the large Ookami rose and folded his clawed hands into the sleeves of his haori, Sukya bowing as he strode by, back straight and eyes forward. Being the second-in-command of Kiyo’s Resistance Force demanded him to show that he was in charge, and demonstrated an aura of authority that no one could deny. He got the respect he deserved leading this shambled and ragtag pack.

He stopped in front of the door with a nod to the guards, the smell of cherry blossoms wafting to his nose already. Kiyo must have bathed a short while ago. Gripping it, he slid it open and candlelight was strewn about the place.

Humming softly as she knelt on a mat was the beautiful Kijo he had fallen in love with yet did not love him back. In her arms was the daughter she had birthed no more than three days prior. Such a tiny pup…

“Please dismiss the guards and close the door.” She ordered, voice soft but strong.

Slightly confused, but always willing to obey, he signalled to the two outside to take their leave. He shut the door immediately after. “Sit.” Kiyo instructed, still looking down at her daughter.

He nodded once and knelt on the cushion, grunting slightly but said nothing as he waited for her to address him further.

“Akito, I have had a vision.” Kiyo told him, picking up a cup of matcha with her free hand. “An hour after Amaya’s birth, I saw what was to come in our future.”

He blinked his red eyes as she took a long drag of the tea. Despite sake being her preferred drink (traditional to her kind), she was still breastfeeding the infant and as such did not want to risk her harm.

“What did you foresee?” Akito asked, keeping his voice level and quiet.

She set down the cup, coddling the tiny wrapped thing closer to her bosom before she spoke. “Our cause ends tomorrow night.”

His tail wagged slightly and his eyes widened in amazement. “In our favour?”

Her averted gaze caused Akito to immediately become crestfallen, and he lowered his head. “… who is to die then?”

Kiyo said nothing for a long, few breathless moments. “It is I.”

Akito ceased all breathing at this point. She continued, “I will die at the hands of Hiroshi. He will overcome me, and stab me through the heart. But we will regain the Stone of Eyes and he will be powerless. Our cause may end with my death, but-” she paused and looked up, meeting shining red eyes with her own dark crimson. “Oh, Akito.”

The sound of her voice, both concerned yet official made him steel against the cushion. “How can you take this so lightly.” It was not a question, but a statement.

“Akito, we will-!”

“YOU WILL DIE!” He snarled suddenly, catching her off guard and awoke the child in her arms. “YOU WILL DIE AND YOU TREAT THIS AS IF IT WAS NOTHING! AS IF YOUR LIFE MEANS NOTHING! I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO ONTO THE FIELD!”

“IF YOU DO NOT THEN ALL SHALL DIE AKITO! WHICH IS MORE, THE NEEDS OF THE FEW OR THE MANY? ANSWER ME THAT!”

*WAAAAAAAH!*

The wailing of Amaya halted both if their angry voices, and Kiyo instantly turned motherly and bounced the baby in her arms. “Hush, hush. Mother is here… mother is here little one.”

Akito gulped. “You will leave her motherless.”

“… no, I will not. I saw my daughter’s future as well. I saw what will become of her. The gods blessed me with seeing what a beautiful and powerful woman she will become. The true reason why I summoned you is because I need you to make arrangements. Erin will be taking Amaya out of the country, but she will need documentation to fit human society. Not much, enough to get her on an airplane and out of the country. From there she will be adopted.”

Akito’s gaze lowered to the child now babbling in her arms. Amaya was half-human, half Kijo. She looked human enough to hide. “And what of-?”

“If she does return, no one will sense her. I cannot, you cannot and no one will. But she will not be able to sense us. She already cannot. She must grow up in a world where her fate is not decided simply because of what species she is, or who’s daughter she belongs to. Do you understand?”

“Yes, my princess.”

A smile graced her face, and she stood and carried the infant to her bed and placed her in. “… do you regret ever loving me?” Her voice was soft as she turned to look at him.

Akito approached, and bowed to her, ears flattening. “I never shall.”

“I want you to live with no regrets, Akito. I was taught by my mother, and she by her mother, that life with only regret is a life wasted and withered. We will make mistakes, make wishes we cannot fathom and make promises we cannot keep. We will lose friends, family, and loved ones alike. But if we regret it all, then why did we live at all?”

His brow furrowed, and Kiyo giggled. “I know that the Shiba-Inu, Kikyo I do believe showed a great interest in you. And I know you see similar in her. When I pass on into the afterlife I want you to be happy with whatever may come. Do not give into despair. Do so for me?” She knelt and cupped his face, lifting it up and kissed his forehead affectionately. “Perhaps in another life, we will be together as more than what we were in this.”

Her clawed thumb wiped away a tear he shed, the only one that she would ever see. “I love you Kiyo.” He murmured to her, and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. She did not return it.

“And I will always care for you Akito. Be strong.” Her words, though gentle made him flinch with the emotional pain they brought. His pining was over. He would lose her within hours.

But he knew. He’d always known they could not last, and she would not survive the brutality of the war she’d begun. He smiled, despite the tears that fell in the silence of the dark hall. Live with no regrets… he would only regret that he had not been the one for her in this lifetime.

And that night was one of many in the future where he drank his sake until he could feel nothing for anything at all.

______________

(Sorry for to angst but I regret nothing!)

Kiyo belongs to me Akito belongs to @adriensequoia (hope you like it)

#angst #free write #just wrote this because I felt it #wrote this for a book I'll never write

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modernwizard · 7 years

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Clarissa by Samuel Richardson, modernized

No one really knows how long Samuel Richardson’s epistolary novel Clarissa, first published in 1748, is. The exhaustive story of a young rich white woman’s struggle for self-determination is, however, considered the longest novel in the English language. If you’d like to follow the story, I’ve modernized, condensed, and dramatized it for you in a single blog post below! You’re welcome.

Frighteningly enough, the whole thing could happen to today with very little adaptation....

CLARISSA: Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms. I can go to the estate my granddad left me; my bff Anna will come over; we’ll hang. I can read, blog, post on message boards, E-mail, and worship God. Everything’ll be cool.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: No can do. We want you to marry up in the world. It’ll make us look good. Here is Solmes, your fiance.

SOLMES: Um, you don’t mind if I, like, marry you, do you? Hem hem heh.

CLARISSA: Look, Mom and Dad — I really love you. I want to be a good daughter; I want to make you happy, but…I can’t do this. I refuse to marry Solmes. Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: You ungrateful little shit! Do as we say because we are your parents.

CLARISSA: I’m really sorry, but I can’t do that.

CLARISSA’S BROTHER AND SISTER: Omg, you are a little shit! You made everyone in the family unhappy, and it’s all your fault!

LOVELACE: Hey bby ur hot. Dick pix y/y?

CLARISSA: Well, you’re a damn sight better than that Solmes individual, ngl, but you’re also a notorious PUA and general asshole. No thank you. Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms.

LOVELACE: Awwww yis! She wants the D! I am going to corrupt the crap out of her and humiliate her to the utmost!

BELFORD: Srsly, bro — I know we’re PUAs, and completely ruining women’s lives is, like, our thing, but you’ve gone off the deep end a little bit. Maybe just pull back a tad. Blog a bit, but don’t post it; tweak your OKCupid profile. You know, chill.

LOVELACE: Netflix and chill, Neflix and chill, that Harlowe chick and I are going to Netflix and chill…

BELFORD: smdh

[CLARISSA’S PARENTS increase their PRESSURE on her to marry SOLMES. Meanwhile, LOVELACE plays on the GENDERED EXPECTATION that women should always be nice and generous and accommodating. By means of HARASSING GUILT TRIPS, he manipulates CLARISSA into writing to him, despite her better judgment. He then KIDNAPS her and KEEPS HER LOCKED UP.]

CLARISSA: Mom, Dad, anyone — a little help here? I’ve been abducted by a seriously unhinged person, and I’m afraid for my life.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: Hah! Liar! You ran off with him just to spite us. You hate us, don’t you? You’re the sluttiest slut that ever slutted, so just sit there and rot in your own slutty sluttishness.

CLARISSA’S BROTHER AND SISTER: Yeah! Slut!

CLARISSA: Anna, I need some help from the outside world with my escape plans.

ANNA: You ran away with him 4srs yo?!

CLARISSA: He kidnapped me!

ANNA: Your best bet is to get married and do damage control.

CLARISSA: No way! He’s vile, and he hates me, and the feeling’s mutual. Besides, I have standards.

ANNA: Mmmm. Point. Let’s get you out of there.

[With ANNA’S help, CLARISSA tries to ESCAPE several times. LOVELACE always CATCHES her.]

LOVELACE: Marry me.

CLARISSA: No. Go away.

LOVELACE: You know you want to…

CLARISSA: Actually, I’m pretty clear on what I want, and it doesn’t involve either marriage or you. In fact, it involves you fucking off and leaving me alone.

LOVELACE: But that’s not what I want.

CLARISSA: I’m not interested in what you want.

LOVELACE: But I’m a rich straight cis white dude. Everyone’s interested in what I want!

BELFORD: She’s not. Just let it go.

LOVELACE: No! She threatened my rich straight white cis masculinity, and she must pay. I know — I’m going to rape my way to her heart!

BELFORD: What? No! Leave her alone!

LOVELACE: Roofies — that’s the ticket. Knock her out an’ knock her up. She’ll be pissed for a bit, but she’ll have to marry me if she wants to salvage any semblance of respectability. We’ll tie the knot, and I’ll be the bestest spouse ever, and she’ll forgive me, and we’ll live happily ever after.

BELFORD: That’s not how these things work. Why are we even friends?

[LOVELACE drugs CLARISSA and RAPES her, and it is the BEGINNING OF THE END. She ESCAPES twice, but he REKIDNAPS her, importuning her to marry him. HIS FAMILY and HER FRIEND ANNA join the MANIPULATION CAMPAIGN. She remains ADAMANT, but the CONSTANT BULLSHIT to which she has been subjected from ALL QUARTERS takes its toll.]

CLARISSA: Okay. Fine. Apparently I can repeat “Please respect me and let me live on my own terms” till I’m blue in the face, but all I’ll receive is emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from people who can’t handle my modest wishes for self-determination. You know what? I’ve had enough of this shit. If I can’t live on my own terms, I can at least die on my own terms and go to Heaven, which is much less stressful, to be with God, who, I’ve heard, is slightly nicer company.

[CLARISSA does not commit suicide, but she does DECLINE in strength and health. She WORKS HARD to MEND FENCES with her FAMILY and to FORGIVE Lovelace. Calm, lucid, and mentally exhausted, she dies ON HER OWN TERMS.]

EVERYONE: Whoops. We probably should’a’ respected her and let her live on her own terms.

CLARISSA [via posthumously scheduled BLOG POSTS]: Gee, ya think?! But, since I’m, you know, dead, you could always try treating each other with respect and kindness.

EVERYONE: Oh. Um. Yeah. maybe we should.

CLARISSA [via posthumously scheduled BLOG POSTS]: Confidential to Lovelace: You, sir, are a shithead, and I forgive you for it, since you’re obviously a very miserable shithead. Hopefully someday you’ll see what a miserable shithead you are.

LOVELACE: Waaaaaaaah, she said no to me and then died. How could she do that to me when I loved her so much?

BELFORD: I’m going to take a wild guess here and say it probably had something to do with you being such a miserable self-pitying shithead with your head so far up your own ass that you can see your small intestine!

LOVELACE: Waaaaaaaah waaaaaaah waaaaaaaah…

MORDEN: Hey you — whiny pants: you, me, outside, in the back, now. You’re going down for messing up my cousin Clarissa like that.

[They FIGHT. Morden receives MINOR WOUNDS. Lovelace is GRIEVOUSLY INJURED.]

LOVELACE: Wow. I am a miserable shithead. [Dies.]

THE END.

ME: Finally! He shut up!

READERS IN 1748: Awwww, they would have made such a cute couple!

ME: What part of “Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms” do you not understand?!

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