Wednesday, 19 July 2023
Today was spent looking at my pension. I need a new car and I’m going to withdraw some funds from one of my pensions to pay for it. However as with many things in life withdrawing money from a pension isn’t as easy or straightforward as you would hope. There’s an endless list of warnings the pension companies make, telling you not to withdraw anything as it will seriously…
Steve starts calling Eddie "Bo" as a nickname. Steve clarifies at some point "because of you and your sheepies... you know like Little Bo Peep?" Eddie thinks it's sweet and rolls with it.
Steve buys him a wooden shepherd's crook he sees at a flea market,as a goof but, much to Steve's delight and other's embarrassment(at first), Eddie really embraces it. Decorates it with rhinestones and little skulls, even has painted flames at the bottom. He walks with it nearly everywhere, proudly.
Thursday, 06 July 2023
I woke today feeling rough from all the cheap cider I had last night. I expected it so it wasn’t a shock but if reinforces my belief that alcohol is playing a massive part in how I feel at the moment. The flu like symptoms have returned and a bit of brain fog, but as I say it was expected.
I won £30 on the lottery last night which whilst not life changing money is very…
I can pinpoint the moment that destroyed my life today:
It’s been a handful of weeks since Murderbot came within inches of having a new, organic governor module implanted in its head via infection - do you think, maybe, that’s also been hiding behind the redacted? Not the way everything else is, just as a deep-seated reminder of what it can’t afford to lose?
What a way to be told “I love you” - to be told “I will not lose you, I will not let go, I will do the hard part of holding on even if you don’t want me to”
it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.