#walls all time low

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

best friendisms

bonus <3

#do you think they have heart-shaped bff locket necklaces #barnaby has a picture of wally in his. wally's has a picture of an apple #no one told him he was supposed to put a pic of barnaby in it </3 tragic </3 #now if you all will excuse me im gonna go eat tylenol cereal and also shove my head through the wall #they make me Unwell <3 #Supremely Unwell <3 #theyre!!! theyre besties!!! they are best friends!!! holy shit!!! #sniffling sobbing wailing crawling on the ceiling etc etc #what a time to be alive... to be able to Appreciate them.... #big guy & his lil buddy.... OUAAWOOOOOOOOOOO AGHHHHH OUGHHHHHHHH #i think about barnaby and wally. i take minecraft damage #my healthbar has been dangerously low lately <3 #scribble garnish #welcome home #barnaby b beagle #wally darling #welcome home puppet show #sobbing vfx. glass breaking vfx. car crash vfx. banshee wailing vfx- #if anything happens to them i will #Enjoy It Greatly!!! #i will! it would hurt So Fucking Much but id have a great time! #anyway drawing this took ten years off my life. at first i scribbled barnaby's paw Backwards #so i had to completely change half of it #and just. sigh. i Was gonna color it but it took more energy than i thought it would #and really! who has the Energy these days!!! certainly not me! #there are still Mistakes but yk.... whatever... its fine perfection is an impossible achievement anyway <3

[tomsmusictaste]

All Time Low // Walls

#all time low #walls #nothing personal #alex gaskarth #jack barakat #rian dawson #zack merrick #pop-punk #lyrics #pop-punk lyrics #lyric edit

[xskyll]

Page 15, for the second time! Apologies to those that saw the version I posted last night with the typo. My days lately have been busy, so sometimes I feel a bit brain foggy. A couple of people left comments on either here or Twitter and it killed me to delete everything. ;_;

Prev / Next

First

#skylldraws #i’m still counting this as part of my holiday streak #i posted on Mother’s Day and the day before Memorial Day #then I posted this originally on father’s day only to take it down and post on Juneteenth #The holidays might be part of why I’m feeling so exhausted lately #i end up having to visit family which is draining because i have to be on guard the whole time #but!! #next week i have some days off #hubby and i are going away and I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejuvenate #cause right now my motivation is low #some nights i get to the point where i can finally sit down and relax and all i have the energy to do is stare at the wall lolol #or watch tv #i recently started watching Nana for the first time #anyway I’ve babbled enough #we bought a new mattress and it’s tall so i need to go set up a ramp so my tiny dog can get into bed on his own #happy pride everyone #I watched To Wong Foo for the first time the other week and adored it #also went to a drag show Saturday and it was great #okay I’ll shut up now #here are the obligatory tags #tododeku #tddk #tdiz #todoizu #bnha #bnha comic #tddk comic #tddk fanart #todoroki x midoriya #todoroki x deku

[shakingparadigm]

this is random but one of my favorite ALNST joke OCs is a girl who had a massive crush on Ivan and was able to date him for a little while because he felt bored enough to accept her. what follows is the most excruciating insanity inducing half-relationship in existence (they lasted 3 weeks before she gave up trying to understand him)

#her name is saya!! saya ng #she had the biggest crush on ivan and when she asked him out he said yes in the most casual way ever that she thought he was joking #the whole time they're “together” she's nervously looking away and blushing while ivan's eyes are trained on that gray haired boyfail there #whenever she'd ask to do couple things with him like hold hands or eat together he'd comply for a little while #but then he'd say something important came up and that he had to leave #she understood because of course! he's a top student surely hes busy no worries #he always seemed to have a wall up. smile never faltering but never fully genuine either #he always looked at her like he was seeing past her and not like he was looking at her person #he was a good and charming conversationalist but even though she got to spend more time with him #it never really felt like a “relationship”. more like two people roleplaying the actions of a relationship #because ivan was so closed off #she started noticing till more all because ivan kept noticing him #and she noticed how he seemed to change when he noticed till. like tills presence was enough to rewire his brain #she quickly realized she was nobody next to him and broke it off #anyways she got sent home because she wasn't good enough to graduate (she wasn't particularly good at anything) #she watched all her friends (dotori/acorn #round 3 and 4 kids) #die on screen #and when she's sent to a different singing competition she loses and dies #her name saya ng combines to make the word sayang #which in my language means: a waste #okay. this was supposed to be funny but now that im saying it #it low-key sounds kind of diabolical #by the way this idea is inspired by the Patreon info about ivan #(he CANONICALLY would accept anyones confession if he was bored enough. V and Q said that theyd tire of ivan being so closed and mysterious) #imagine being in the “recovering from dating ivan” club #alnst #random

[icewindandboringhorror]

... why he sit like this

#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little #rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo #cats #It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually #getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol #Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime #I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad. #Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering #all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty #e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time #that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense #that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh #I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol #which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything #I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still #recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually #slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.' #ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever #reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished #any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky #and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly #going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et #etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make #stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin #.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care #and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists. #take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc #ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it #82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol...... #ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol

[dailykugisaki]

Day 117 | id in alt

I think Kugisaki would like to hold Maki's hand again idk tho.....

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #zenin maki #Nine times out of ten Kugisaki borderline shatters her knuckles #Maki redirects Kugisaki's punch and it ends up with a fist on the ground usually #i low-key like how i doodled Kugisaki's face here #Maki and Kugisaki stare at eachother weird Kugisaki you are DERANGED You will kill god 5 times over for Maki and she KNOWS #i am too late for valentines day but winners fant be winner #i have forgone sleep. again #yeay its nbmk but y'know* #idk what im trying to curb here we all know Kugisaki gay ass he'll #she loves Maki so much she asks for seconds just to hold her hand like a FREAK #Ops nbmk is them jist staring at a wall and screaming the highest xey can go

[fruit-sy]

Another on my list of anime with female protags: Apothecary diaries!

My friend recommended it to me a while back and I finally got around to watching it last week. 10 episodes in, it's a really enjoyable watch!

One thing I love about this anime is that it really explores how the women survive in that world. From being a concubine to a courtesan, these women have power in these environments thanks to their talents, sharp thinking and... erm "assets". Other than that, it shows women's struggles in and out of these environments. How women will get kidnapped for their looks and how they have to keep down low in order to have some semblance of peace in their life, how to even make it up the ranks you have to be born beautiful.

Other than that, it shows problems which are completely fucked in this social hierarchy. How dispensable the lives of maids and food tasters are, how their lives are worthless compared to the concubines and how they could lose their lives if they so much as offend someone in a higher ranking.

The setting is in ancient china and yeah, a lot of things were pretty fucked back then. Like lady Lishu being 9 when she became a concubine (Throws up) and the social hierarchy, but once I acknowledge how utterly fucked some of it was and acknowledge that it's period acurate, it was a pretty enjoyable watch.

Maomao as a protagonist is really fun. She's very level headed and calm, but I love that they also gave her some room to be silly when she's passionate about doing the things she loves.

ALSO!! She can be a bad bitch as well!! I LOVE how she went off on the ladies in waiting for lady Lihua, and it really drives home her professionalism. As someone who works to better the health of other people, of course she'd be furious when the lady in waiting ignored the ban on the face powder and knowingly chose to slowly kill another person in her ignorance.

Maomao's curious and has a habit of trying to help others (especially her fellow women) when it's within her power. Though, she's very rational when it comes to things outside of her control and just chooses to move past it. Although she may seem cold, she's shown a kind of, solidarity with fellow maids who are disposable (food tasters and such) like herself as well as showing empathy for people who are suffering like lady Lihua and lady Lishu.

One thing that really stuck with me is how with lady Lihua, Maomao offered help and kept helping because Lihua wanted the help. Maomao said it herself, if lady Lihua refused to eat, then Maomao would accept it is how it is and prepare for her imminent punishment (and possibly execution) from the emperor. She is prepared to help others and see it through when they want the help. And I really admire that about her.

Another thing I like about her is that, while she isn't interested/doesn't want to put herself out there sexually, she doesn't put down other women who do! I think this comes from living in the pleasure district and Maomao having big sisters who talk about those kinda stuff with her, but even growing up near those kinds of things, she decides that it's just not what she wants to do!

She isn't interested in romance either, because that's just How She Is!

Anways, love how she knows what she wants and when it doesn't go her way, just chooses to roll past it.

Next, Jinshi... yeah he's got the looks but ok being For Real right now: I thought he was a gigantic creep in the first few (and latest) episodes. Because of his position and looks, he could get away with a lot of annoying/uncomfy stuff like getting really close and touching Maomao when she's uncomfortable with it. Also makes unwanted advancements towards her and her not having the power to refuse him too directly because of the fear of punishment because of the insurmountable gap between their social standing.

Though, even when he's still kinda condescending/doesn't respect her, I can see how he slowly starts admiring her for her strengths and begins to genuinely care for her, and that's a pretty sweet character development. Though he still doesn't respect her boundaries despite feeling affection (and having some seeds of genuine care) up to episode 10.

Alright, not so Seriously now, I am a sucker for the "popular/handsome guy thinks this chic is easy, oh whoops he fell and he fell hard" trope huehueh and that's exactly what he's going through right now!

Though, as much as their ship dynamic is a guilty pleasure of mine (one is super flirty while the other hates them with a great passion), I'm kinda hoping Maomao doesn't end up with him romantically.

I think it'd be interesting if that's just how Maomao felt, she just isn't interested in romance and if Jinshi really loves her, he has to acknowledge that no, "oh if I keep trying she'll cave eventually" is not it, and he has to respect her boundaries, regardless of their positions.

I think it'd be interesting if Maomao grew to also care for Jinshi as well, but not romantically. Caring for someone and romantic attraction don't always have to come in a package! I think it would be an interesting discussion, where both parties care for eachother but in completely different lights.

Anyways, in conclusion, I love how much of a women's perspective was put in this show. Women have power in certain areas, even if it is kinda fucked, and they have their own set of problems. Maomao is a really fun and compelling protagonist, Jinshi is kinda a creep though he has his moments, the other concubines are pretty fun (esp. Lady Gyokuyou), and the mystery and promise of character development compels me to keep watching!

#Fruit talks #Whoo here's my monthly dose of word vomit about The Thing that caught my attention this time #I actually have more thoughts (specifically) episode 9 and my hopes for this anime but maybe another time #Love maomao. you slay bitch #Jinshi is very hideously criminally Pretty and ok im into that #doesnt help that his english dub voice is KAIJI TANG and like almost all his lines are Low sing songy whispers that just aAARGHHHH #*punches wall* #*head in hands* #*pacing* #*deep breath* #im so normal about it #anime with female protags

[moonsidesong]

my friend's game crashed suddenly in the middle of the investigation during dangan time today ........ he hadn't saved the whole chapter.......... ah...

#bri talks #he's gonna catch up on his own time so we can get right back into it when we're all together #but man that sucks #in the future we're gonna set timers to remind him to save every 15 mins or so #i got stuck in a wall and had to repeat a lot of chapter 4 once before #but i've never seen it outright crash like that #and i initially played it on a low-power Kinda Crappy laptop #wonder what happened #... what is kinda funny though #is that we wanted to ensure he would have access to the rest of komaeda's FTEs but we didn't think he'd hang out with him on his own #so we lied and said there was a bug/flag error that made it so komaeda's free time events didn't work properly-- #--if you didn't see his first event during the first chapter #... i guess the game being a little buggier than the first kinda ended up supporting my little fib. LOL

[chibishortdeath]

I would absolutely love it if I could look up one of the only things making life bearable rn without seeing either a constant stream of content about a show that makes me deeply uncomfortable or “actually your favorite character is boring as hell and does not work at all in anything and has no effect on the story at large and also doesn’t matter and sucks and he doesn’t do anything remarkable or have enough abilities to warrant any attention and literally you can skip those games tbh they don’t have a story anyway play this fan game that changes all of the dialogue instead because he is so lame and has no personality or plot significance whatsoever he could spontaneously not exist and nothing would really change even that show you don’t like that doesn’t really adapt anything from the games and changes everything about every character they decide to write about couldn’t make him interesting he is that much of a nothing nobody character because he has no modern triple A game level cutscenes he is basically whip man Mario he go kill Dracula so boring that’s it”

#castlevania #castlevania games #text post #simon belmont #vent post #I don’t even know if I should use the main tags but eh #anti netflixvania #cw netflixvania #just an ​implied mention of it but yeah #I’m genuinely depressed over this and it’s so stupid like it’s just a fucking game get over it stop being such a fucking child #I should delete Reddit cause it’s all just this all the time #I’ve seen this from both Netflix and game fans too #and yeah everything in that text wall are things I’ve seen people actually say #I hate being online rn #the only reason why I have been at all is because I go to this series for comfort #yay having a niche special interest within a niche special interest oh boy #I’ve been trying to come back to regular internet stuff on multiple platforms #but I just can’t do it #every time something happens and hits me back into artblock and low energy burnout hell again ugh #I haven’t been able to get myself to talk to people very much lately #partially from already not having much energy because of this #and partially cause I don’t know how to manage having like more than maybe two or three friends at a time #and I guess also cause I don’t really have anything good to say #it’s all just been bad news stress I can’t deal with and mild annoyances lately #which is pretty fucking insufferable of me isn’t it #not an excuse to just fucking abandon people god I’m such a bitch #the digestive issues aren’t helping either #and my fucking Xbox broke so I can’t even play curse of darkness about it #so I go online to calm down and immediately get blasted with everything I like being insulted all the time #I’m just so tired

[thesearchforbluejello]

This has absolutely been discussed many times but I am once again losing it over the fact that "Rogue One" as a name is making sound out of silence.

It's formed as a last minute, emergency name for the shuttle, for the people aboard, for the mission when Bodhi says it; it has no precedent, nothing that came before it for that name to be used. But when Bodhi says it, it exists.

It both takes advantage of and retcons the Rogue Squadron we've seen before in the original trilogy, where there was no Rogue One. But there is now, because Bodhi said it.

Jyn's name, Cassian's name, K's name, Chirrut's name, Baze's name, Bodhi's name, every one of the rebels that are on the shuttle... none of them come up again in the things that temporally follow. Yes, those pieces of media were created before this film, but in the world of the story, they come after, and it becomes a remarkable silence.

Rogue One as the team that took Scarif and stole the Death Star plans exists as Rogue One because Bodhi pulls that name out of silence, out of nothing that preceded it. "Rogue One?! There is no Rogue One!" "Well, there is now." And after Scarif, there is no Rogue One again. It existed only for what it accomplished.

On a meta level, that's exactly what the film does as well-- it tells a story that was only a handful of vague lines before, draws it out of the lacunae and places itself where it belonged to tell a story that was restrained by the shape of the narrative that came before it and was unavoidably wrapped around it. It's the quintessential "doomed by the narrative."

There's also the fact that Jyn's theme is built around dies irae and reflexively creates a reference to her in parts of A New Hope and also makes the score tell you that she's doomed by the narrative to die but I've screamed enough already.

#I will lose my cool entirely if I go off about the soundtrack okay #the achingly beautiful string motifs #the way he pushes the brass into a register that *hurts* #the fact that he takes advantage of Williams' over the top punchy incidental style and constrasts it with the absolute #stunning orchestral style he's so good at with the low strings and brass and the juxtaposition of lyrical sections with tight rhythms UGH #permanently yelling about Giacchino okay #like he took all the good bits of Williams and made them 70x better sorry Williams fans #there's more Super 8 in this score than I ever really thought about before but it's raw in a way a lot of his work hasn't been #I would like him to write more gut wrenching shit like this please I'm begging #like Giacchino absolutely pop off with his writing okay #he punched us in the throat with Up too but that was different #either that or let Chris Tilton do it I'd be fine with that also #anyway I digress this movie makes me foam at the mouth gnaw a table leg feral okay #the Jyn Erso and Hope Suite is probably Giacchino's crowning achievement imo #you have to sit silently and stare at a wall after it #like you have to take a recovery minute #also he WENT. THE. FUCK. OFF. with the Darth Vader motif #congratulations to this movie for making Darth Vader genuinely terrifying for the first time ever #idk you guys I'm just permanently obsessed with this movie #the rest of star wars just exists around this movie okay #they all wish they had what this movie has #I will not be taking criticism at this time

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

days where i have nothing to do: ohhhh im so sleepy im so so tired no one is more eepy than me

nights where i have to wake up at a set time: I Have Never Been More Awake In My Life

#help my eyes keep drifting back open #im trying all my tricks #cozy couch setup. whale shark plush to cling to. low lights. wendigoon iceberg in the bg. laughingstock imaginings in brain #IM WIDE TF AWAKE AND HAVE TO GET UP IN LESS THAN 7 HOURS #fuckfuckfuck did i pack my melatonin gummies already by mistake #i mean its not like i have to drive or anything #but id like to be... Aware. Available to converse with my dearest darling bestie #because i Am going to see my bestie! #absolutely unprompted #huh wait when was the last time i talked to a real life person in front of me. um. #its... been a couple weeks #NOT A MONTH YET THIS TIME! LESS THAN A MONTH! #but ohhhhh i am excited #tea with the homeslicebreadslice... joint Art creation.... #BEING OUT IN THE WORLD AHAHA I WILL BE TEMPORARILY FREE #clawing at the walls let me OUT #gonna start biting this house i swear to god #i cant wait to be free of it. i hope it burns in the next big wildfire #OK WAIT NEW PLAN. i washed my mug and i have chamomile tea #i will drink some warm soothing tea uhhhhh maybe re-read a fic? #willing myself not to read stamps for the millionth time. im gonna read stamps for the millionth time #listen listen i love it and also im starving for fic #one day i will contribute but for now im poking ao3 with a stick begging it to do something #Soon though. i have a feeling. a strong psychic feeling. #Soon... something will Appear... i know this because my third eye is open #also i know because i know. OR DO I #im so tired yet so awake at the same time #someone whack me over the head with a cartoon mallet so that i may go to sleep with little birdies circling my head #wait shit those are vultures. IM NOT DEAD YET FUCK OFF #please i need to go snzzzzzz.... my alarm will be Going Off...

[trainingdummyrabbit]

scrabbling at the WALLLSSSSS

#iwanna be doing so much more than iam all the time always but iam; shockingly; unforseen by anyone; in Alert Lights Mode(tm) #smacking at the walls... iwanna see my FRIEMDS iwanna DRAW iwanna run around.............alas. iam in a box. #piktalk #'haha why is my battery so low' (<- still running at an energy debt (<- and has been for several months))

[vulpixelates]

good news: did basic self care task and cleaned a tiny bit

bad news: i now feel like my muscles are withering away and have absolutely zero spoons

time to curl up in bed for the rest of the day 😭

#i at least got a LITTLE bit of progress done on my writing before i decided it was a good idea to do A Task so i didn't ruin my streak oawie #i can't fathom how people can do so much in a day aoiewfjoai i literally just did like 15 minutes of minor things and i'm OUT. #maybe one day i'll figure out wtf is wrong w me aoiejfa #like i'm like. 90% sure it's chronic fatigue or some kind of thyroid issue? but i hate doctors 😔 #getting them to do anything but tell me to lose weight is a fucking feat that i just don't have it in me to do aoifejaoi #bitch i MISSSSS working out! i just don't have it in me 😭 i am so tired and sore all the time #and ik it's partially bc of inactivity but also it's not just that bc i BECAME inactive due to pain/low energy! but telling a doctor that.. #it's like talking to a fucking wall. they see a fat person and just stop losing their ability to practice medicine #*dykeposting #negative

[shima-draws]

My car: Happy Friday time for an oil change ALSO you have two flat tires mwah 😘

#TWO. TWO???? #I noticed they were really flat this morning BUT LIKE #I just thought that was bc my tire pressure light has been on. I thought my tire pressure was just way too low #WHICH is why I took my car in to get an oil change so they could fill up my tires while I was there #But nope! Flat! TWO FLAT!! #One has a nail in it?? #And the other has some weird staple idk WHAT it is #This has never ever happened to me before not even in my old car #I guess I just got weak ass tires 😔 #New car new tires that apparently suck ass #My old car’s tires probably ran over nails all the time and went HA BITCH YOU THOUGHT #Cries bc I know the repairs/replacements are going to be expensive and I’m already short on rent for this month #Bangs my head against the wall #Shima speaks #That’s how my day has been going if you were wondering 🥰

[icewindandboringhorror]

Current temperature inside of my room right now in the middle of the night whilst about to go to sleep... villain origin story...

#You just get SOOOOO tired of being hot all the time for multiple days straight.. with very little relief ever... hhHHHH #I forget that I literally lose my mind and become evil every summer like clockwork #I don't evenknow what I mean by that because I'm just as calm/monotone as ever lol.. but I just feel more evil.. low level pent up rage #or something. nothing changes on the outside but on the inside it's like hmm.. I'm like 5% more hostile than I usually am #not outwardly expressed still of course. but just.. my bones are made of a little more violence recently.. #percentages moving around. My character stats get a temporary modifier all summer where I feel chronically just a LIIIITLE more noticably #unhinged. like I will never do it of course. but I will think about. maybe I'll just throw all the plates at the wall and break every wind #ow with a baseball bat. No. I shant. I would never.. but .. I could. 5% more than I usually could. But I shan't. but let it be known.. I #c o u l d ...i COULD.. if I had to. but I don't.. but still.. keep the notion in the back of the mind.. hmm.. lol #And this is not even during a heat wave at the moment it's just like.. normal summer.. >:') #I think it's also largely the shitty apartment which was not built for coolness. Like older houses will have tall cielings and those window #above the doors and ceiling fans and be built high up from the ground and all these other ways to manage warm weather #naturally. but cheaply constructed dinky city apartments with no ventilation and windows only on one side and blah blah #It retains heat insanely like being trapped in a green house or something #even with all the windows open & fans in the house and stuff it just doesn't really move air well because the space is not made to do that. #Also really testing my anticapitalism/leftism/etc... sitting and thinking 'damn maybe I should play the stock market.. I should sell #some sculptures and overprice them.. howmuch could I charge for these clothes..' < *is desperate to afford a living situation with central #heating and air conditioning* #Haha! Guillotines?? who said anything about those? I LOVE rich people.. haha.. now what's a guy gotta do to instantly get about $50.000 ar #ound here? haha! kidnap someone and sell their organs? okay haha! I love the free market! going to home depot right #now to buy an axe! Don't you just hate taxes? so glad I live in the best country in the world under the best economic system on the planet #USA! USA!! USA!!! *visibly shaking. nose starts bleeding. you notice i am also levitating off the ground slightly* #ANYWAY gfgfgh.... winter......... my sweet child....i miss you so so much.... SUMMER you are my ENEMY #ah well now it's gone down to 80.4 Farenheight. cancel post. thats such an improvemtn surely I'll be able to sleep soundly now /s #what was I ever worried about? it's all good! haha!! *still levitating a little * #In better news - I have finished the Victorian Pharmacy documentary series and am now watching them build a medieval castle! and one of my #goofy joke song snippets suddenly got 6.000 views on youtube which was cool?? though very random? I made kale chips again. and had asparag #us. And saw a duck. carved a lot of things out of avocado pits. Little tidbits to keep me sane.. #See a funny little duck outside and go 'hmm... life is okay actually :) I no longer want to break windows :3' #then it gets like 85F inside again and you're liek NEVERMINDaaaaaaahhh!!!!! then you see a duck next morning and calm down :)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ay. looking forward to the future when im back in therapy #like i dont feel terrible rn. i dont exactly kno how to describe it. i feel like ive been tossed up onto the shore of a desert island #after a big storm. like im still lying facedown in the sand bc i dont kno what to do when i stand up #i guess im just still sitting in the desolation of 2yrs of burnout and i kno that things need to change but i dont kno #quite how to manage it. bc the thing abt me is that i have ambiguous handwave undiagnosed obsessive compulsive behaviors #and its like every. everything i do is. like its structure to the extreme. i have to do these things because. because why? idk just because #so im like ok i have to change things so i adjust to the change and the structure just becomes rigid again. the cage changes shape but the #volume stays the same. and its hard bc i cant run rn so its like i cant expell my frustration and its a compulsion i cant fulfill and its #constantly in my head. im also just tired. ive been sleeping more than usual and idk y. like i dont feel that depressed but i guess i do #feel bored and pointless bc im just doing computer stuff rn. and i also just feel like my brain is cloudy #like learning is a thing i like to do but im not allowed to spend time reading papers bc i have to draw bc thats the structure #but i want to learn abt those specific topics and i just feel like my brain is full of holes #like its a very specific feeling. like back after i 1st finished my masters i was taking carbon measuments bc thats #like the most useful thing for me to do in tbus lab but it destroys my brain and then my boss was training me in some culture isolation #stuff that i liked a lot and was more aligned with my interests but i hit this wall where my Brain was like ur not allowed to do that #anymore so i make the choice to let the project go and just do what was useful. idk y i did that but i do it all thr time. idk its just hard #when like everything feels so boring and bleak all the time but with this little glimmers of specialness that im not allowed to reach for #ugh. its just the hormones. bc it's becoming very clear i have high and low moods associated with hormone shifts. and the obsessive #compulsive behaviors. those r just ambient but at time exacerbated by the shifts #unrelated #also participating in trivia stuff triggers me feeling dumb lmao but idk i dont usually memorize facts. i usually go for vibes and like what #do u build with what youve learned. like who gives a fuck if u kno a set of facts if u dont do anything with that info #but thats just me being defensive bc i have a foggy brain full of holes