you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
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nanami’s larger hand finds yours, fingers interweaving together in an attempt to fill the unforgiving gap between your two bodies. there was something so secure in being connected this way. something innocent and commonly overlooked, but intimate nonetheless.
his thumb starts to softly brush against your skin in his hold, the simple gesture sending welcomed chills down your spine. reassuring and sweet, just another way for him to quietly show his undying affection for you.
but your favorite was when he’d squeeze your hand. he’d always do it while his attention was seemingly somewhere else, but those three little squeezes told you it was always on you.
i. squeeze. love. squeeze. you. squeeze.
and then he’d wait.
at first, you didn’t understand what it meant. didn’t know it was a silent, yet powerful declaration of love. one for you and you alone. but eventually, you caught on. and so you always send those 3 words right back at him, closely watching his face as a small smile spreads across it.
i. squeeze. love. squeeze. you. squeeze
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Something about Dani and Jamie, Bill and Frank, love stories cultivated in the heart of horror. Something about finding queer love, gay love, human and fallible and worth cupping hands around and protecting even in the darkest of times. Something about stumbling into your person when you least expect them, when your mind is fixed firmly on pain and survival, and letting their light open you up. Something about choosing to wake up every day and cherish this person, even when it’s hard, even when they’re being broken down right before your eyes. Something about saying “I am marrying you, not in the eyes of others, but in our hearts where it matters—legality be damned”.
Something about gay love being worth all the strawberries, all the moonflowers, all the persistence and the endings chosen on your own terms. Something about that hits me where it counts.
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Eldritchrune Doodles!
Okay, decided to go ahead and post the results from the art stream today! Just a bunch of Eldritchrune stuff I was having fun with, some of them based on asks, which I included!
Eldritch Berdly's primary means of torment is a continuous sonic voice attack where he screams his opinions on Minecraft and Fortnite nonstop
Also, some cool glowy accent feathers, just because.
I really wanted to go ahead and do Eldritch Catti and Jockington too, since I'm pretty certain they'll be in some future Dark World anyway. Here they are combined into one horrible occult-based chimera, where they can unleash all manner of dark spells! (Their favorite is the one where people get pelted by deadly soccer balls)
Hey, she needs plenty of calcium to keep those teeth strong and sharp! Meanwhile, Kris is fine with a questionable chocolate bar.
Went ahead and just did Spamton Neo since I wasn't sure what sort of direction to go with Jevil. Taming the secret bosses seems like it'd be a much more difficult task...if it was even possible!
Diversity Win!
This Eldritch horrordeer freezing enemies on sight is gay, and is just making some frozen treats for her girlfriend to enjoy!
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