#warning: im about to get into some emotions i havent told anybody including my therapist or even myself really and theyre bad! really bad

[arcaneyouth]

(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)

#vent post #negative #warning: im about to get into some emotions i havent told anybody including my therapist or even myself really and theyre bad! really bad #im not trigger tagging it because it. feels bad. i cant explain that i just cant #so basically just read at your own risk. if i dont get this out somehow i think i might scream #ok so getting just right to the point i am so fucking suicidal i dont want to live in this shitty ass world anymore #i cant imagine a world where i dont have to struggle. i cant imagine a world thats any better than this. #i cant imagine living past 21 anyways cause thats when my doctors said id die as a way to threaten me into doing my meds #i try so hard to be positive and hold on and it worked for 4-5 years and now theres not even a point. #im tired of trying. im tired of holding on. i will never be able to live comfortably. whats the fucking point. #im running out of reasons to stick around. #years ago my reasoning was that my friends would be sad. i cant really use that anymore #because im a traumatized fucking disaster thats been slowly trying to cut off my friends and stop caring about them #maybe i could stick around so i can finish my comic well thats not going to fucki #ng happen because the world is probably going to kill me before i can get it done #and nobody gives a shit about my ocs anyways except for me #or maybe i could stick around for that cool tv show or that video game i want to play or my favorite food #well none of that fucking matters!!! it barely makes me happy anymore. theyre just things. #what about my family? well thats easy i fucking hate them i wouldnt feel bad for leaving them. #ive been in a depressive slump for weeks and i dont know how to get out and every time i start to feel ok again someone or something #reminds me why this world is so horrible. #the internet reminds me every day of how people are dying and how people like me are getting killed for fun #my parents are pessimists who spend every conversation talking about how bad everything in the world is #so the options seem pretty simple to me. either the world kills me some time soon or i'll do it myself before it can. #but i wont #im scared of pain. im scared of dying. i know for a fact id never be able to pull anything off #so the fact that im still here doesnt even mean much. im just too terrified to leave. #yeah post over. sorry about. *gestures at this whole post*. i dont have the energy to write in my journal and ill probably be #too much of a wimp to tell my therapist #this just needs to get out somewhere. i really cant handle keeping it in me anymore.