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gracrps · 7 years

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favorite rp experiences, favorite ships, favorite users, good parts of your day, favorite memories.

FAVORITE RP EXPERIENCES

Another great experience I’ve had was a gossip girl, vampire diaries roleplay called Within Temptation! It was the first roleplay where I really learned how to expand on my writing and understand my character, thanks to a few tips from my fellow members. I had always been used to one-liners or a few paragraphs, so when I asked one of the members how she went about writing so much, she told me she just expanded on how her character felt, what he went through to get to this point, and how it aids their situation. I mean, obviously, the answer should be pretty blatant, but it was one of those moments where someone had to say it for me to really acknowledge it. This roleplay also helped me grow my affinity for Stefan Salvatore, who I played, and learned about so deeply. I really appreciate him as a character now, thanks to WT.

positive rpc ask meme!

FAVORITE SHIPS !!!!!! I have so many !!!!!! But, okay… I will attempt to list them all from my poor excuse of a memory, and/or narrow it down to my real real real favs that I can’t live without :-) but, of course, the list will grow as roleplaying lives on~

Richard & Eleanor ( Evan Peters and AnnaSophia Robb — They were this, poor boy / rich girl ship that happened out of nowhere between myself and @vcorhees way back in the day. They really feel like a couple to me, and I guess I love them because a lot of my ‘ships’ take a long time to get to that point where they’re finally a couple, but it just happened so effortlessly for them. They really couldn’t be any more different, yet mesh so well together… they were my core reasons for loving both Evan & AnnaSophia ) — Stephen & Wendy ( Max Irons and Jessica Alba — Okay, I know I know. They’re really new and really fresh and hardly a ship. I might be getting ahead of myself, but I feel like these two are such a classic “opposites attract” or “friendship turned into something more” that it really gets me excited to see where their thread goes. I really like these two, the chem is off the charts !!! )

Alice & Patrick ( Olivia Cooke and Logan Lerman — So these two really helped me as a writer. At the time, Patrick was in and out of relationships with various girls and honestly, it was mostly because I was bored when ships finally became couples. I admit it was a huge flaw I had as a roleplayer until Alice came along, shout out to @nierps for sliding into my life like that. She challenged Patrick in such a real way that helped me admit to myself that your character will be the bad guy, if not sometimes, all the time. I’m so thankful that they happened because now, it helps me shape my characters in such a real way that I wouldn’t have before. )

Indiana & Silas ( Nina Dobrev and Hunter Parrish — Okay, so talk about the slowest of all the burns. I think slow burns are great but are so hard to stay committed to in a roleplay filled with options thrown at your feet. However, when you feel that connection, that you know you’d love to see play out on some sort of screen, that you’d be rooting for sitting in your seat… that’s when it’s easy to stay committed. Contrary to my last ship, Indiana and Silas taught me how to stay committed, and that it’s safe to put your ship through real-life tragedies and struggles, without fearing abandonment as a roleplayer. I want to thank @veronicalodgv for always meeting me with the same amount of enthusiasm that I wouldn’t have if she hadn’t too. )

Sara & Ace ( Phoebe Tonkin and Bill Skarsgard — They are your typical, push and pull, hate to love you type of couple. At first, I assumed my thread with @electricinndigo would turn into some sort of hate sex kind of thing, which I wasn’t totally comfortable with because my smut is shit, honestly, lmfao. But I have to say, Ace and Sara are really turning into a ship that is so promising, that I’d really love to see what else they go through. I think this ship is also really important to me because I find it quite difficult to challenge a ship when it’s in an indie instead of a roleplay community. You’re not being thrown other ‘options’ or having other characters chime in on your character or ship. Frankly, I haven’t been in indie for that long, but I was quick to judge the easiness of shipping when you have no one else to challenge you. That’s why Sara and Ace are special to me, because they challenge each other, and it’s opening more doors for the other ships I have. So, Kellie!! Thank you for that. )

Blake & Cindy ( Matthew Daddario and Lee Jieun — So @requicms and I have been writing these two for a long time now, haha, but no complaints are coming from me whatsoever. My adoration for Matthew is definitely satsified when it comes to these two, as well as my thirst for a POC ship!!! Lbr, I feel like they’re soooo cute. Anyway, Cindy is such a hard character for me to be flexible with, so the fact that I’m shipping her with Blake is such a huge thing for me as a writer. It helps me go through the steps of opening a character up to something intimiate and real, and with these two, it’s just so pure and innocent. It’s not like any other ship I’ve had, so I really love these two for helping me try out something new, with a character as closed off as Cindy. )

These are a few honorable mentions that I really want to give a shout out to. I know some of these are brand new, but it’s just me feeling out the potential with what few threads we have going on~ [ Jude & Hannah ( Jamie Campbell Bower & Haley Bennett ) @eightysixed / Adele & Ben ( Holland Roden & Lucas Till ) @snikklefritsrps / Adam & Jana ( Paul Wesley & Kristin Kreuk ) / Cameron & Silas ( Kat McNamara & Hunter Parrish ) @wisteria1x1 / River & Mallory ( Nick Robinson & AnnaSophia Robb ) / Harrison & Prue ( KJ Apa and Stefanie Scott ) @holywitchkid ]

FAVORITE USERS

Okay, so assuming this means my mutuals…. @electricinndigo, I want to go on and on about how much I love her but I feel like that’s really repetitive because I’ve done it more than twice, haha. She’s just amazing. I love her writing style, her gifs, her muses… the list goes on. @requicms, there’s something amazing about having as much characters as her and being as invested to each and every one of them that blows my mind. I mean, I might be getting ahead of myself, but our plethora of threads really challenges me to not be lazy and put the same amount of effort in order to not just ‘reply bc I have to’. Thank you for challenging me, Lisa! @nierps, LORD don’t even get me started, lmfao. Nie is the god of all writers, I aspire to be as amazing as her ( hence I probably should’ve finished /proper/ college ). I can’t even go on, I feel like I’ll just be babbling with how great and cool she is. @veronicalodgv, okay I know she doesn’t indie enough, but tee has become such a close friend of mine since we’ve met all those years ago. she’s the best admin i’ve ever had the honor to be under, who can so effortlessly handle the stress that comes with it. i think the fact that she’s fair without having to bend over backwards to make people happy is really admirable, esp coming from someone like me, who feels like they have to do that when you’re in an admin position. i can’t wait to work with you the future, you’ll always have a special place in my heart @armyofskanksx, so while I gotta admit that we don’t have a lot of the same favorite face claims (x your kindness is unreal. i really do appreciate your time and patience when it came to helping me learn how to gif, i can’t even explain my gratitude. thank you so much.

GOOD PARTS OF YOUR DAY

While I don’t love going to work and dealing with the bullshit that is the nursing home, I feel pretty lucky to be there. Sitting all day isn’t great for my health, but being in the lobby when it’s 6pm and everyone went home is probably the second place I get the most inspiration for my writing. I also have a time limit, so I try and squeeze in all my writing before 7:30pm, which is when I have to leave because if my husband is home, I can’t focus on my writing. I also love going home (surprising, I know) and seeing my pup. I love the process of getting ready for bed, like taking off the makeup and tending to skin care, getting into your home clothes… while I sometimes rush towards the process, that’s my ‘me’ time, you know? I don’t have as much me time since I got married, lmfao.

FAVORITE MEMORIES

It’s bittersweet, but one of them would have to be all the times I used to just sit in one of my ex-best friends car. We used to be this trio that loved to drive around and just talk about how we felt and our dreams of being this band that made it big ( we were a church band, fyi lmao ) There was something magical about his car and him driving, with me in the passenger seat and @vcorhees in the back. We were best friends that just… fell so effortlessly into any kind of conversation. We’d pig out, smoke pot & *other, confide in one another and just enjoyed the simplicities of being in each other’s company. I mean, we were more than just friends, we were family. It was a hard slap in the face when that fell apart, but I believe God has a reason for everything and even if I don’t know the reason yet, I trust he’s gonna be alright, despite my reservations.

#answered #( eleanor & richard )#( wendy & stephen )#( patrick & alice )#( silas & indiana )#( ace & sara )#( cindy & blake )#( hannah & jude )#( ben & adele )#( jana & adam )#( silas & cameron )#( mallory & river )#( prue & harrison )#warning: looooong af #sierrasrps

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perpetuelledaydreaming · 3 years

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L.o.v.e.l.e.s.s. generation

Request: Amazing!! Can i ask for a billy hargrove imagine where he and the reader are together and at a party. They separate for like an hour so he goes with his friends for a while and shes with hers and she gets roofied. Steve and nancy try to help her and then call billy and hes a mess trying to get her to throw up and hes just blabbering and crying and mad af. So much angst and then fluff and yeah.

@peakascum i’m so sorry for taking so looooong.

words: 7.4 k

Summary: Billy has a bad feeling about a party at Tina’s and you don’t trust your gut feeling because of a kiss, Nancy can kick some ass and both, you and Billy, are the kind of people who cry in the shower.

Warnings: *trigger warning* We have dark shit here, like pls people if any of your friends get too drunk or you think someone has put something in their drink GO TO THE HOSPITAL. Don’t follow the characters behaviour down below.

billy hargrove masterlist

"There’s a party at Tina’s tonight”, you muttered after disconnecting your lips from Billy’s, who had been more than happy on your make-out session in the parking lot of Hawkins High.

You fluttered your eyes to watch your hot, hot, boyfriend who was perfectly placed between your legs while he kissed you softly. You weren’t sure how Billy kept his glowing tan all year long, especially in Hawkins but you loved how it combined with his blue electric eyes that pierced you every time he watched you. You removed some of the blonde locks falling on his forehead and placed another kiss on his full lips.

Sometimes you didn’t know how you managed to snatch him.

He sighed, “I heard, are you sure you want to go?”, he groaned as he tried to chase your lips once more but you stopped him as you jumped from the hood of the blue Camaro.

“When does Billy Hargrove rejects a party?”, you asked while raising your brows. You picked up your bag from the floor and began fixing your skirt and sweater, you had to be ready for the debate team meeting while he rolled his eyes.

You smiled but you turned around as you heard a couple of girls from Billy’s friend group nattering about you from afar as they saw Billy pulling you in once more for another kiss.

See, how could you even start to recount your relationship with Billy Hargrove? it was hard. Not because it was a difficult relationship, but because you two seemed so different from the outside that sometimes people didn’t even believe that you had lasted so long in the first place. Billy and you had been going strong for over eight months now and it felt like you were on cloud nine.

He was mesmerized by you since his first day of school, he wasted no time in asking you for a date -to the disapproval of his new gang and the dismay of most of the girls at the school- you were elated by it but you said that he needed to do a lot more if he wanted you to say yes. It wasn’t that you weren’t oblivious to Billy’s charm but you knew his type and he was definitely not on yours.

Billy didn’t seem more than an aggressive jog and you bore those type of guys, they weren’t stimulating and you had learned to value yourself and your time, more than anything else. So, it took Billy time -with a lot of rejected attempts and multiple pairings on classes- to actually get a yes from you.

And so, you had come to learn that Billy Hargrove was more than he showed and it hit you to the core because you did the same. They were just different acts, both of you were familiar with the fact that people liked to put tags on others, to label them and keep them in a box, they liked making you one dimensional for them to feel comforted in a stupid status quo. And both of you followed swiftly because sometimes is easier to play a role than to be yourself, it’s easier to make people believe you are one thing. Sometimes it was easier to be just a good girl and sometimes it was easier to be just a bully, but you weren’t that and neither was Billy.

Billy Hargrove wore his heart on his sleeve and no one had noticed that, you instead kept it locked in a safe to survive and no one had noticed that.

But Billy noticed your lock and you noticed his sleeve, he understood you and you understood him.

After hours or even whole nights talking to each other, laughing, even crying you finally agreed to go out with him.

“I always want to do whatever you want to do”, he whispered to your lips as he pressed quick pecks. You sighed into his lips; eyes closed in bliss as his lips touched yours. “Pick you at nine?”

You smiled as you heard him and your lips now were chasing his.

…

“See you in an hour or so?”, you asked as you opened the door for Tina’s house, Billy was behind you. Both of you were analyzing the scene in front of you.

There were a lot of people, far more than what you were expecting but it was the last Friday before Thanksgiving break so you kinda got it. Many of the kids that went away for college were coming back to see their families and since Tina’s parties were always a staple of Hawkins High, you knew most of them wouldn’t miss it. So, there it was: an ocean of sweaty and drunk teenagers and young adults having fun and blasting music.

You turned around to see a frown on Billy’s face as he saw the scene while you rolled your eyes. You didn’t really know why he was so opposed to partying when he was always down for any type of rave.

See, although both of you were so similar in many senses, it wasn’t at all the case when you were partying. Billy was the type of guy who liked the attention, he craved it and he found it most of the time in senseless partying. While you, you were the type of girl who liked to be lowkey about your presence at a party, if you had the attention it was from your amazing dancing skills. Otherwise, you liked to spend your parties taking a few shots, dancing, and talking to your friends; nothing more and nothing less. Billy, instead, liked to do his keg stands and playing games, getting a bit more than tipsy.

Most of the time you were together months of your relationship you both had made sacrifices, sometimes Billy wouldn’t do his normal circus act so he could be in a more calm conversation with you, and sometimes you had decided to cheer him when he was doing his keg stands or accomplishing the dares his stupid friends wanted him to do.

And it was fine, except for the fact that you had exploded one Monday a few months ago when you heard the rumors about the past party, especially the rumor about the “Queen of Hawkins” and how everyone was beginning to think that you were nothing more than a pretty thing that Billy wore around his arm, an accessory. You hated it, you hated it so much that you had ended up ranting about it to Billy who had been patient and listened to every single word without saying much.

“I’m fucking captain of the debate team, since when I’m an accessory?”, “I’m running for president of the student council, does it look like I care about being Queen of Hawkins?”, “I’m not clingy or sticking to you all the time, it was just one party!”

And so, you had come up with the party plan. It was really simple: As soon as you got to the party, each one would go and do their thing. Billy would go out and play games while you hang out with Steve and Nancy and Johnathan. If there were any good songs or if you were craving each other presences, you would find each other and would dance for a couple of songs or maybe have a little (long) time out inside any room available where you could moan each other’s name. It had worked on the parties that you had gone to for the last few months and it had been fine, most of the time after you found each other you wouldn’t let go.

Today had to be no different, another party at Tina’s, usual business.

But you knew it wasn’t, Billy turned around to see you with narrowed blue electric eyes, brows bumped together in a scowl and lips pressed together.

“Billy?”

“I’m not really feeling like partying”, he muttered as he sighed and took a hold of your waist and pulled your flesh against his.

Sometimes you were more than sure that Billy’s arms were made perfectly for you, you loved being held by him, and feeling like nothing in the world could hurt you. Being held by his biceps and pressed against him always made your heart skip a bit, you didn’t even think twice as you quickly took a hold of his face and you pressed your lips urgently against his, making you whimper into his lips. It was intoxicating the dance between your lips and tongues, you sometimes even got dizzy after kissing Billy but you were more than happy to get drunk on him rather than on vodka.

But today you wanted to hang out with Nancy, Johnathan, and Steve, you hadn’t been seeing them much since school started again since, well, Billy was a handful.

“I’ll see you later sir”, you whispered as you gave him the last peck and walked away from him with a smile on your lips.

Billy stayed stunned after a few seconds and cursed to himself but he knew that you were in the mood for partying and the least he could do was give you space to be by yourself, to have times with your friends. He didn’t want to admit it but he had taken a lot of your time the past few weeks, he had wanted to take advantage of his father leaving Hawkins for a work trip, so he had spent most of his time buried inside of you or sleeping next to you or laughing with you, etc. And he wanted tonight to be no different, but he also respected you and your wishes. So, although he wasn’t too excited, he managed himself. He quickly threatened his way to get a whole bottle of tequila and went outside where Tommy and Carol were waiting for him already.

“You look stunning!”, Nancy gasped as she saw you, you twirl so they could give a look at your outfit: A tight black leather skirt, military boots, and a cutout band t-shirt from Billy.

Steve and Jonathan cheered for you as you moved your hips and Nancy clapped, while you then twirl her around for her to model her outfit.

“You look stunning all the time!”, you replied as you hugged Nancy.

“That’s indeed true”, Johnathan muttered as he pulled in Nancy for a kiss on her forehead while she wrapped one arm around him, quickly pulling him into a passionate kiss.

Steve rolled his eyes as he got closer to you, “Are we going to dance?”, he whispered in your ear and it made you shiver.

You couldn’t lie that you had a thing for Steve when you were younger than you were less than thrilled when he started dating Nancy but as time passed, your feelings had changed and Steve became just a great friend in your eyes. Although, it didn’t mean that sometimes Billy didn’t get jealous of him and how close you two were. But he had come to accept it, as he should, and Steve also started to deal with Billy by your request since he didn’t really like him after he had dethroned him as King of Hawkins.

“Yes, we are”, you replied and quickly pulled Steve into the living room where everyone else was dancing.

The way you felt the music cruising through your body made you get lost on it, eyes closed and jumping, swaying your hips to the beat, laughing, and smiling all along. Should I stay or Should I go from The Clash was the tenth song you had danced to with Steve and you were sweating from bopping your head to the last bit, throat a little bit sore from screaming the lyrics at the top of your lungs.

Steve wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pressed a kiss on the top of your head. “I forgot how good it was to dance with you, Y/L/N”, you nodded without much breath but you turned around to see one of the boys from Billy’s group watching you with malice. The narrowed eyes and puckered lips weren’t anything new for you, especially from his “friends” or followers, but you knew how much they would like to initiate any rumor that could create any drama in Hawkins since they didn’t have anything more exciting to do.

“I’m going to get something to drink”, you muttered as you glared at the loser who had been watching Steve and you, but soon he turned to the patio, where you imagined Billy was.

You rolled your eyes; you knew you had to do damage control with Billy. Although Billy seemed like he had all the confidence in the world, you knew deep down he was insecure thanks to his relationship with his father, and especially, as months had passed by, he was insecure about your relationship sometimes. It seemed to him that you could do so much better and he was perpetually on edge when he thought about you and Steve too much, although he trusted you completely.

And on your part, it wasn’t too different, Billy had girls throwing themselves at him permanently which was always annoying, girls who whispered at him that they would make him feel so much better than you ever did and that they wished he could make them scream. Billy had assured you and showed you that he only had eyes with you, and it did become funny sometimes because if there was someone in love with his girlfriend was Billy Hargrove. But still, sometimes that burning feeling that crept its way your heart and spread it through your body, making you feel like you could spitfire didn’t go away.

Especially not at the moment.

Billy was outside, playing a nice game of beer pong and chugging more beer than you thought he would like tonight, but there he was… with Heather freaking Miller. She was leaning into a flustered Billy as she giggled while he poured the beer on his mouth, a little bit too fast that it made the drink spill all over his naked chest -he always lost some buttons or his shirt at some point in a party-, you imagined that he was a bit tipsy at the moment but you couldn’t help to feel your stomach twisting as you saw Heather pressing a soft kiss to his jaw.

You spun on your heels faster than you could even imagine, not even wanting to watch Billy’s reaction to her kiss and if you had been a bit drunker, you might have been bold enough to start going off at her and Billy. But you weren’t in the mood, to hell if Billy was told something about Steve, whatever.

“You said something?”, a guy in the kitchen asked you, as you leaned on the kitchen island in front of the living room that served as the dance floor, realizing that you had been muttering out loud. There weren’t many people in the kitchen, the great majority of the people were dancing or outside, but there were two boys.

You huffed as you turned around and saw the guy. He had short brown hair and a nice smile as he sipped from his red solo cup. He looked familiar and you remember him being a cheer on after a basketball game while you were a Sophomore at Hawkins High and he was a Senior. He was from an affluent family, you remembered that as well as you might have seen him in one of your parent's Christmas parties, but you weren’t social.

“Do I know you?”, you asked a bit coldly, annoyed still at the image of Heather and Billy.

“Burn!”, another boy close to the one that had just talked to you shouted as he laughed at his friend. You recognized him too, he was also known as a Senior when you were in Sophomore, he wasn’t on any team but he was on the popular crowd.

You vaguely remember the class that had graduated that year, only remembered a few bullying incidents but mostly that they were sexist assholes. You hoped that college had changed them, at least you liked to believe people could mature, but seeing them three years later in a party of their high school didn’t give you much hope.

“I’m Brad”, the boy with short brown hair stated as you sighed and smiled, trying to be as polite as you could taking into account how mad you were. “This is Chad”, he said pointing to his friend.

“Y/N”, you answer as you shook his hand as he had offered it.

He held it for a bit too long and you felt goosebumps erupting on your skin, but they weren’t good goosebumps, the way he was looking at you was way too intently but you figured that he was trying to flirt and score a girl.

“Brad! I just…”, another boy came from the living room with a bottle of tequila in his hand as the three of you turned around to watch him, you took the opportunity and removed your hand from his hold as your eyes began to look for some wine or vodka to take to Steve. “Who’s that?”, the same guy muttered as he got closer to Brad and Chad.

“Shut up, Logan”, Brad rolled his eyes as he saw you reaching for a bottle of vodka, he quickly took it and then handed it to you with a strange smile. “You have to apologize, my friends, they are…”

“Wonderful?”, Logan said with a smirk.

“Charming?”, Chad answer as he seemed to be taking something from his Varsity Jacket, you didn’t manage to see really what he had since Brad quickly placed solo red cups for you to do shots in, blocking the view.

“Annoying”, he stated as he poured a bit of the vodka on two small cups and then passed the bottle to his friends. You smile at the way he said it, the guy had a charm but there was still a hint of something you didn’t like. Something that didn’t add up to his pretty greyish eyes or his sharp jaw. “Want one round?”

You sighed and nodded. At the moment, you only wanted a drink and don’t think a lot about Billy and Heather, you didn’t want to be too mad about it, especially since it was your idea to do a party plan and you left the road wide open for girls like Heather to flirt with Billy.

It felt like it was your fault.

“Sure”

The vodka burned your throat a little bit more than you would imagine but you didn’t care. It tasted okay enough and your eyes simply wondered towards the patio door, in the hopes that Billy might come looking for you but there was no sign of him coming.

“You have a boyfriend?”, you heard Brad asking and you turned around as you passed a hand through your hair. You watched as Brad’s friends began pouring another round of shots with the vodka but your attention went right to Brad again.

“I do, he’s with another girl at the patio”, you muttered angrily as you took a hold of the shot and chugged it right in. The vodka still burned on your throat but it now felt bubbly, still burned a bit more than before but you figured it was because you hadn’t been drinking in a while.

“Ooh”, the two friends shouted and it made you roll your eyes, they weren’t being good company and you tried to snatch the bottle of vodka from the table where they had left it but Brad took it first.

“Let’s do two more rounds, it will make you feel better”, he cooed as he got closer to you.

If this was any other moment, at any other party, you would’ve said no and leave without a bottle and look for Billy. But the blonde hair from Heather on Billy’s shoulder, his laugh, and her lips on his jaw were burned on your head at the moment and you wished that maybe vodka could help you, you wished that angry drinking would be enough to make you feel better.

“Fine”, you answer with a smirk and Brad smiled as well, his friends cheering in the background as you chugged another shot that had been served by you.

It had to be almost four more rounds of shots of vodka -at least you believed but it didn’t taste like vodka after the second- that they had handed to you when you began to feel weird.

It began slowly, the sleepiness taking over your body, spreading from your belly towards your chest, and soon it seemed to get on your head. It didn’t feel bad right away, simply weird. You were never a hard drinker, you had never blackout before and you weren’t planning to tonight. Getting tipsy? Yes, getting drunk? Maybe, but this felt like it was happening faster than what you had anticipated.

You closed your eyes and leaned into the kitchen island for a second, trying to recover your breath to see if that was it, you just needed a little break. But as seconds passed, you felt your muscles getting sleepier and even when your eyes were closed, you felt like you were on a carrousel and it wasn’t stopping.

“You don’t look so good”, you heard Brad said as he wrapped his arm around your waist, which you tried to get off but it seemed as if your muscles were going in slow motion. “You want to go to the bathroom?”

You felt like you could vomit at his questions, it sounded wrong. You shook your head as you opened your eyes and glared at him, motioning for him to let you go and he did, but as you turned around everything began to be blurry.

“Iwanttodance”, you slurred, words tumbling against each other. You began walking towards the living room, trying to get away from the kitchen while you desperately tried to look for Nancy, Johnathan, or Steve.

You felt your head getting dizzier and dizzier as each second passed, your brain seemed to be trying so hard for your limbs to move at the pace that you needed them too but they felt disconnected like there was a short-circuit between them.

You weren’t sure when they had actually disconnected, it had to be a second before you reached the living room by going down simply two steps. It was something you were sure you could accomplish, not even on your worst drunk stories you had been so unaware of your body, you had never felt like that. So, it wasn’t a surprise when you saw the world turning upside down and you felt a sharp pain on the right side of your body, your head crashing on the floor as you closed your eyes from the impact.

You fell, badly.

You whimpered in pain as you felt people’s gaze on you, although you had your eyes closed you could feel people’s presence close to you and you wish you could even stand up but it seemed like nothing worked and you could only motion simple things You heard a couple of people laughing, guessing that maybe you were too drunk and were unable to handle your booze. You felt some girls getting closer to you and asking if you were okay but your words weren’t really words anymore, only mumbles, the pangs of pain still spreading through your torso, hips, and legs while the numbness started to spread as well.

It was even getting hard to keep your eyes open for too long.

Before you knew it, someone was wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you off the ground. You prayed it was Billy or Steve, with Nancy by their side or even a couple of the girls who had been asking if you were okay.

“Seems like she’s ready to go to sleep”

You froze as you heard Brad’s voice and a deep feeling of panic started invading your body. You protested, at least you thought but your words didn’t come out from your mouth, your eyes were still close as the pangs of pain from the fall were disappearing quite quickly, which made you worry.

Brad quickly took a hold of your body and carried you bride-style to god knows where, you suddenly felt your stomach sinking as you realized how weak you were and the fact that you were in the hands of strangers. Sleepiness crawling over your body and anxiety too, everything began to become foggy.

“We’ll take care good care of you” Logan stated as you felt the music farther and farther away.

You whimpered in protest as you opened your eyes as you tried to shimmy yourself out of his hold but it just came as spams on your limps, nothing strong enough and it seemed like they were going through the foyer, towards the door.

“Stop”

Nancy’s voice felt like it had been sent from the sky, you tried to turn your head as quickly as you could and there she was. “Who are you?”, she asked as she got closer to you.

You knew Nancy might be little, she might have been a little mousy when you met her but she was fierce and she could end anyone who came on her way. Such a small girl could raise hell if she decided to and you felt like crying with happiness when you -in a blur- watched her crossed her arms across her chest and glare at the guys she was standing in front of.

“She’s feeling bad”, Brad explained with a shrug but the sassy nature of his answer gave him away to Nancy, “She had a lot to drink and she told us to get her home”

“She has a boyfriend for that”, Nancy replied right away angrily. “And friends that know her”

“We are her friends”, he barked back and it made you jump on your inside.

These guys were aggressive, the way that he answered to Nancy… you felt like tears were pooling in your eyes. This was not okay and panic raised again, flooding your body. You needed Nancy to take you away from their paws, now. You didn’t want to think where this was going if she didn’t manage to stop them.

“Nancy” you managed to mumble and with all the effort you had, you tried to take a hold of her but your arm gave up before you reached her, soon your eyes rolled to the back of your head and your head fell backward.

You were too weak.

Nancy froze for a second with fear as she saw your state, and so hell was loose.

“Get her down now!”, Nancy’s growl made your body tremble, it was so loud that you were hoping that anyone else noticed.

“Fuck you”, Chad replied as you heard a struggle in front of you… they were holding Nancy now as Brad began to move again, your heart sinking

“Her boyfriend is being called right now!”, Nancy yelled as you could hear her struggling while you passed in front of her.

The cold air hit you hard and you cried as you tried to move from Brad’s hold but he wouldn’t budge, they had managed to sneak you and this was the worst-case scenario. Billy was the only thing you thought before your brain began to shut down when you began to drown in the darkness.

“We shouldn’t have given her so many”, Logan muttered as he opened the door of the car that was parked in the front patio of Tina’s house, close to many others.

“Can you just shut up?”, Brad growled as he tightened the hold on your body, and tried to see how he could fit you in the car correctly.

“Maybe it’s better”, Logan muttered as he opened the driver’s door, still talking to himself. “She won’t remember anything”

“WHERE IS SHE?”

The growl coming from the main door from the house shook Brad and Logan to the core. They both turned around to see Billy, exiting the party with Steve and Nancy behind him.

Billy had been trying to get a Heather Miller off his back since he had started to play a beer-pong match, it had all been easy and messing around until Heather had come in and began to linger closer to Billy each time he drank. She had placed a kiss on his jaw when he had barked at her to back off, people began to laugh around them and scream things, Heather seemed to be annoyed by the statement and tried to talk him out of being so aggressive. Billy remained silent and shrugged her off each time she tried to flirt with him again, it was annoying to him and he knew that his friends would take any chance to start a rumor that could affect your relationship. So, the rest of the time he tried to get as far away from Heather as he possibly could, he even flipped her off before Steve had run towards him and ask him to go with him.

Billy felt as if a black hole had grown in his stomach as Steve told him what had happened, that some guys were trying to take you somewhere and that you were barely conscious, that Nancy was trying to hold them back but you needed him now.

Billy wasn’t exactly sure how fast he had arrived, how he didn’t even notice the guy on the floor that Nancy had managed to beat up with a flower vase at the foyer or how he couldn’t hear anything because his heart and breathing were so loud that he could only focus on what he saw.

And there you were: completely limp, head falling from Brad’s arm, eyes rolled back on the back of your head. You seemed so small; it shook Billy.

Sometimes Billy had these gaps in time when he became so mad that he didn’t feel like himself anymore, he could only feel the anger filling his body as the seconds passed. It was almost automatic when his hands formed into fists and he began to growl. You had talked to him about it and had helped him to never lose control again since you began dating, helping him breathe and control his emotions.

But not this time.

Billy yelled as he took Logan first. The guy didn’t even have a second before Billy yanked the keys out of his hands and smashed the boy’s head against the window of the car. Billy didn’t really notice when the window cracked, he only noticed when it broke in front of him as he smashed once again Logan’s head.

Logan fell on the ground with a groan, blood coming out of the right side of his face, laying with the broken glass on the floor. Billy then turned around quickly to go and get you, Brad had already been cornered by Steve and Nancy while Johnathan tried to rip you off from Brad’s hold.

“HEY!”, someone yelled as he pushed Billy making him slam against the car door.

Billy turned around to see Chad, nose already bloody from Nancy’s punch and more coming out of his eyebrow cut thanks to the vase. The guy was already beaten up by Nancy, badly, but Billy didn’t hesitate to beat him to a pulp with his fist. It seemed rather like a gap of time where Billy had no control, as his knuckles slammed against the guy's jaw while he screamed in pain. Chad managed to punch Billy on his ribs but Billy quickly retaliated and knocked him out with a single punch.

Billy’s breathing was too shaken up, he almost couldn’t even hear how Nancy had been telling him to stop as he kept kicking the guy on the ground. It was only until Nancy hit him in the back of his head, rather hard, that he turned around.

“We got her”, Nancy yelled at him as she glared at Billy. She didn’t seem too shaken up, her hands were bloody as well and her eyes seemed steady.

Billy’s eyes traveled to Steve who had you in his arms while Johnathan let Brad fall from his hold against the car, his nose was already bloody, as well as his lips. But at the moment, Billy didn’t care about anything else, he got closer to you so quickly that he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore.

“Y/N”, he whispered as tears began to stream from his face.

You didn’t respond, your eyes with long lashes were closed while your arm was dangling. You were cold, you usually got cold as Billy would work as a heater for you, but right now you were too cold.

It hurt.

Billy swore he had heard something breaking inside of his chest, he sucked in a breath as he pressed your cheek with his palm as if in any moment you would open your eyes again, that you would watch him lovingly and place a kiss on his lips like many times before but you didn’t react, you seemed lost.

It hurt him so much that when he heard a groan coming from the floor, he saw Brad there with barely any real damage on him. Billy felt his muscles tensing up as he walked towards him, ignoring Nancy’s pleas. Billy seemed like a robot as he quickly opened again the door of the car and place Brad’s hand on the edge, without much thought, he shut the door roughly.

“aaaaAAHHH!!”

The painful scream coming from Brad’s lips shocked Nancy and Steve, and even you in your state. The scream had been the only thing that had managed to make you come back from the darkness, you couldn’t really move but your body was screaming for something to happen but your limbs seemed useless.

Billy quickly kneeled and punch Brad again, making his nose bleed even more. The groans and whimpers coming from Brad didn’t bother Billy, it only bothered him when he wrapped one hand around Brad’s neck and he noticed his knuckles already getting purple.

He hated being like this. He knew you would disapprove if you had been there watching him but the rage that he was feeling at the moment, he hadn’t felt it in such a long time that if he thought he remained still, he would burst.

“I see you or your rat friend’s again, and I’ll kill you”, Billy murmured as he let go of Brad’s neck and allowed him to breathe again as he coughed thanks to the pressure Billy had on him.

Billy turned around to see Nancy, Steve, and Johnathan looking terrified, he tried to shake it off and came back to you.

“They must have roofied her”, Johnathan explained as Billy was desperately trying to wake you up.

“Y/N, please are you there?”, Billy couldn’t believe it was his voice, so wobbly and small as he moved your hair from your face and took a hold of you had, begging internally for you to wake up.

You couldn’t believe it was his voice either, you wanted to scream and cry, you wanted to be held by him and feel safe again. But you couldn’t do anything, you could only beg your body to move, nudge, talk, do something.

And it seemed as if it had listened to you for a moment.

“Billy”, the whisper was so faint that Billy wasn’t sure it was real, he stopped dead on his track and saw how your glassy eyes were half opened and Billy felt his shaking hands coming over to your hand.

But then you suddenly gave up, the darkness eating you once again as your eyes rolled to the back of your head once more and you were lying there, emotionless.

Billy felt his body cold.

“Y/N?”, Billy asked as tears streamed down once more. “Baby?”, Billy’s voice was so raw and shaken up that it almost scared Nancy as he looked at her and yelled. “Nancy, what should we do?”

Nancy stayed still for a second, doubting herself but then she walked decidedly towards Steve who was holding your body. “We have to check her breathing and her heartbeat”, Jonathan coming right up helping her to check your vitals, while Billy gave a step back and held your cold hand.

“She’s still breathing, it’s like she fell asleep”, Nancy answered.

“We have to take her to a hospital”, Steve stated as he held you tighter on his arms.

Billy panicked and shook his head, knowing exactly that -even though your parents had come to accept your relationship- they wouldn’t waste a second if he gave them a reason to break you guys up.

“Her parents would know; you know they would never let her see me again”, Billy explained to Steve, his eyes pleading with him not to do it because he knew what the consequences were and he might ruin what made you and Billy happy.

Steve didn’t like Billy, but he had never seen him like this or anyone for that matter. He had never seen such true desperation; he had never seen someone show such raw emotions for someone. He didn’t like Billy, but you did and Steve knew that Billy was everything you wanted.

“Fuck, what should we do?”, Johnathan sighed as Billy began taking you from Steve’s arms.

Billy remained a second as he adjusted you in his arms, his arms around you securely as he watched you carefully. You seemed so pale and fragile, and he hated it because he knew that this wasn’t you. He couldn’t get out of his head how scared you must’ve been before you went out, what they had done to you. He wanted to take you to the hospital, he knew it was the most appropriate way but he also knew that he really couldn’t and at that moment he had a flashback to California when people took more pills than they should.

“She’s going to have to throw this up”. Billy stated as he tried to wipe the tears with his shoulder as he took you into the house, as quickly as he could.

“Billy, what are yo-”, Nancy protested as she followed him but Billy was on a mission,

“She couldn’t have taken them too long ago”, he muttered as he entered Tina’s house.

He was shaking as he muttered to himself deliriously: you are going to be okay; you are going to be okay; you are going to be okay. He pulled you closer to his chest and his eyes urgently tried to find a bathroom, people were gathering around him at the entrance of the party, watching Billy splattered with blood and knuckles purple with you limp on his arms. Billy didn’t care about the people as he tried to see where was it better to take you, he even wondered if the kitchen was right but he knew you wouldn’t want anyone to see you or him in that state.

Tina ran towards him, as she was about to speak Billy interrupted her.

“Tina!” He screamed, his voice was raw and torn -the urgency in his electric blue eyes seemed almost psychotic-, she shook at his scream. “Bathroom with a shower”

“Oh my god, what happened?”, Tina squealed as she tried to get closer but Billy stepped back.

“Bathroom”, he growled once more startling Tina.

“Upstairs in my room! Turn to the left”

Billy said nothing as he ran upstairs, adjusting you in his arms as he followed Tina’s instructions. He let out an all-encompassing sigh of relief as he entered the bathroom.

“Come on, come on baby”, he whispered as he placed you on the tub and then turned on the shower. The lukewarm water began to wash your legs and lower abdomen as Billy hurried and placed himself behind you.

He made sure that you were well position, laying on his chest so he could sit you, and then he began to place his fingers on your throat. But nothing was happening, you weren’t reacting as he tried to place his fingers on the right spot for you to throw up whatever they had given to you.

Tears began to fall from his face, a part of him glad they were being masked with the drops of water. Billy felt like he wanted to puke himself as he gazed at the bottom of the bathtub and realized the blood was being mixed with the water -blood from the guys that he had beaten up and his own coming from his knuckles-.

He shivered at the thought of how badly he had reacted and what would you think of him, but he quickly snapped out of it as he continued to cry for you.

“Y/N please”, he cried. “Baby please, come on”.

Billy’s voice seemed so broken and raw, his pleas could be heard by Steve and Jonathan who were outside the bathroom while Nancy was talking to Tina outside her bedroom, convincing her not to enter until you were okay.

But you weren’t okay, nothing was happening and Billy snapped.

“pLEASE! Y/N”, it seemed as if his screamed had ripped through his chest as he held you, and once more, he placed his fingers on your throat in one last attempt.

The gagging was like music to his ears, how your body finally reacted and you raised a bit from his chest with the help of Billy and you began to throw up. You felt like if you were getting out every organ inside of you as your body spammed as you threw up with Billy’s face bury on your neck as he held you.

It wasn’t until you finally stopped after a minute of throwing up everything you could, that you realized that the fogginess and darkness that had trapped you were leaving, your head was clearing again and Billy felt like he could breathe. It wasn’t like you were completely fine, your breaths were still raggedy but they were stronger than before and you could raise your head for a second, hold yourself.

You could hold yourself enough to throw up once more, another round, but this time it felt more like a reaction of the fear that you felt from those guys. You didn’t want anything inside of you, nothing from that night, the thought of those guys made you sick.

It wasn’t until you were unable to throw up anything else, you turn around softly, still feeling woozy.

And there he was, the only one you had ever wanted.

Billy’s hair was wet, the streams of water were still falling from his body but you recognize his tears as well. His blue electric eyes that had always been heaven to you, were red from crying and his usually tan skin seemed as white as a paper, completely pale, he looked terrified.

Indeed, Billy was terrified but he tried not to show it as he caressed your hair and help you lay more comfortably on his chest. It was only when your eyes connected and you took a big breath that you began to cry. The tears were streaming without control from your eyes and it seemed like before, you just wanted to feel empty and clean and safe. Billy held you as close to him as he could while you sob.

He kissed your head, he kissed the back of your neck and your hands as you whimpered and tried to hold anything from him, the craving of him becoming stronger every second.

“Hold me”, you slurred and Billy nodded, wrapping his arm around your body as you cuddle against him while being wash with the water.

“I’m so sorry”, Billy whispered as he rocked you back and forth. “I’ll never leave again”

His voice sounded so truthful that you began to think that he meant something for good, so permanently that it made your heart skip a bit but you didn’t want to say anything, you simply nodded and leaned into him even more, burying yourself against his chest.

“I love you”, he whispered.

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atiredfangirl · 3 years

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This serves as my official warning to all my followers that I will be obnoxious af on Wednesday because I have been waiting for a looooong time for this.

#brettsey

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shimmersing · 6 years

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Okay it was more like 4 people. ;_; OMG guys. I feel so loved.

Questions from @aearyn:

1: Corn or Flour tortillas? Street tacos: corn. The bullshit I make? Flour.

2. Last book you read? Uhm. Huh. The last one I finished would have been the Lost Plot, third from the Invisible Library series. But you guys are keeping me so busy with fanfic I literally haven’t read a book in months. NOT SORRY AT ALL.

3. Top 3 fave actors? Clark Gregg (dude is SO nice), Oscar Issac (delicious), & Marina Squerciati (adorable).

4. Sun or Rain? I’m gonna say rain because I don’t get to enjoy it often in Colorado.

5. Beer or wine? Neither, really, though I’ll enjoy a lambic or sour if they’re not too hoppy. I love cider (REAL cider, fuck that Angry Orchard bullshit, blegh, that’s not cider it’s fucking nasty apple juice), or something mixed (I like Dr. Pepper & whipped cream vodka at the moment!).

6. Do you prefer calling someone or emailing/texting? God please email or text, I hate talking on the phone.

7. Where would you go on vacation if money was no object? Japan, Morocco, or NYC for like a looooong stay where I can pretend I’m a local.

8. Do you have any tattoos? Two: the Jedi Order symbol on my right shoulder; a semi-colon on my left wrist.

9. What did you major in/are you majoring in at university? I have a masters in curriculum & instruction, as well as minors in visual art & music, because I couldn’t decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.

10. Fave author? YOU GUYS! Followed by Catherynne M. Valente & Sarah J. Maas.

11. Romance or action? BOTH GIMMIE GIMMIE.

From @the-empires-weapon: (I’m gonna put this under a cut because it’s long af and content warning for kind of intense gender & sexuality discussion.)

(Also not gotta tag anyone else because brain is empty and I think we’ve all done it like three times already. XD)

Favorite band? Sooooo, most of my favorite artists happen to have a band also? Sara Bareilles, for example. Who also has the Waitress Band with the Broadway show. Just go with me.

Would you rather live by the beach, or by the mountains? If I don’t live by the mountains I don’t know which direction I’m facing. Honestly tho, I love both.

Have you attended university, and if so, what did you study? If you didn’t, what’s your area of expertise, or what would you have studied if you went to a school of higher learning? I have a masters in curriculum & instruction (elementary teaching), as well as minors in visual arts & music. Uhhhh, it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. Still not actually sure most of the time.

What character has influenced you the most in life? I’m gonna say Sailormoon, and here’s why: I got online and into cosplay because of Sailormoon, and met my best friends through those fandoms. We’ve been in each others’ weddings and they’re my kiddo’s surrogate aunts & uncles.

What kind of art do you like seeing from others? What’s your favorite style, of sorts? I... like... art? Like most of it? I like everything! Chibi style, uh, cartoony or comic stuff, realistic stuff... alas, I have no idea the appropriate terms for any of that stuff. BUT I LOVE IT.

What do you prefer: Youtube, Netflix, or cable? Youtube is a trashfire, and we don’t have cable anymore. So Netflix it is!

What kind of sensations belong with sex? (I’m curious because I’ve *always* had the idea that pain is just a part of sex, regardless of virginity, and apparently that is not the case??) FYI: answering as a straight, married cis-female. Sometimes comfort and closeness that doesn’t necessarily come with a lot of that physical lust or climax, but very emotionally fulfilling. Sometimes the exact opposite like “I have been thinking about banging you all day and we have a half hour before we have to pick up the kid so get in here.” Hahaha, sometimes, it’s even a little obligatory, like “yeah, we’re both tired and not really feeling it but this is an important part of our relationship to maintain, so we’re gonna work up to it.” I guess that’s sort of more emotional sensations? Physical pleasure is probably a primary motivator, but I think my husband and my relationship is also strongly influenced by the emotional connection, too. Neither of us are into pain (lube is your friend no matter what your method), tickles are fun (humor is also important - if it’s funny, you’re doin’ it right), whatever physical actions that drive anticipation. TOUCH, pure and simple. I have no idea if I’ve even answered the question at this stage. XD It’s my hope everyone can have a partner(s) (who wants) who can communicate and learn with feels good and what doesn’t. (PS: my first time wasn’t painful - awkward af, but not painful. All that virginity bullshit is myth and social construct designed to disenfranchise women.)

To my trans* friends: how and when did you learn that you were trans*? To my cis friends: have you ever thought about gender and how it might’ve applied to you? For genderqueer folk (or anybody who’s just feeling awkward about the gender question), what’s your favorite fruit? Gender is a social construct; you are who you are; you are valid, you are real. I am constantly in awe of the strength and courage of folks who are forced to struggle over who they ARE. You are the bravest people in the world. I think fitting into the cis-female pattern gives me a lot of privilege, and I want to use that privilege to make sure others feel safe and happy.

What is the earliest meme you can remember from your first days on the internet? God. I don’t know if it counts as a meme, but we used to have webrings that you’d join and then it’d literally be a ‘ring’ of websites linked to each other. And they all had themes and shit. God, the 00s.

What’s one weird thing that fascinates you? Durians.

Do you believe in the supernatural. If you do, what kind of things do you believe in? If not, what’s the reason? I’m not sure, actually. I’m a very Scully-style skeptic: I want an experiment to be repeatable. I want solid scientific method.

#back on my bullshit #11 questions #memes and shit

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dejinyucu · 6 years

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2017 summary!

Hi, I’ve been busy :’) Here’s the 2017 compilation with my fav personal art I did each month :) ...which is mostly just a bunch of Tales of Zestiria and NieR:Automata stuff xD I’m happy I managed to have personal stuff each month this year! 2016 was mostly work and more work until I said screw it and ... stopped working “Orz. I’m tempted to do my fav work or project piece of every month, but I already spent enough time on this one x’D

Art goals for 2018:

FINISH MY PROJECTS, DAMMIT. Do more traditional art on my free time. >> 2016 compilation <<

Month-to-month insight and personal life musings about the year under the cut. Warning: It’s long, and everything is pretty much a bummer, so if you’re feeling bummed yourself, it’s be a better idea to go watch puppy videos than to read this xD

I did count the number of files from procrastidoodles, finished pieces, project stuff and paid work/commissions I had for each month saved on my computer and excluded the duplicates. They painted a pretty good picture of my mood and my mental state along the year, I think. I drew 240+ procrastidoodles this year! (again mostly Zesty and NieR lol) Most of them were done while burned out, during months after I tried to get a lot of work done :’) I spam most of them on my twitter nowadays. I keep forgetting to upload stuff over here and for that I apologize “Orz. January was a very productive month for me in general, while February was a burned out month (lots of procrastidoodling, very little of anything else... including work.) I was still obsessed with Zesty during Jan/Feb.The anime iirc was still airing back then and I was still trying to be sociable in the fandom. March started my descent into NieR:Automata hell xD It was also another “try to get a ton of shit done!” month, because NaNoRenO; I had a death wish and decided I could handle paid work and THREE personal projects at the same time. Ha. Hahahaha. =_= (spoiler: that didn’t work.)

April was the heavy burnout month after that. Actually I didn’t do that much procrastidoodling this month and I was in general pretty dead... idk how I managed to get 2 finished pieces done at all O_o; Maybe my procrastidoodling energy was channeled into them somehow...? May was when I threw the towel, decided to take a full break from work and projects, opened commissions and just did whatever I wanted. The Soremiku piece I picked for May was a collab with @alassetasartir, she did the lines and I did the coloring ^^ June was apparently watercolor month! Also very procrastidoodling-intensive. July and August where... bad. I did pretty much nothing and barely got out of bed to exist (I did 7 things in August. 7. In total. Across all my categories. “Orz). I did work on the Amusement park piece in July-August and that’s my favorite thing I did in 2017, though! And by the end of August, I moved to a new apartment! Where I FINALLY GOT A 2ND ROOM AND COULD HAVE A DESK ALL FOR MYSELF AND MY STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO SHARE IT WITH THE BF!! ;O; I wanted that for 5 years, 5 YEARS!!! *wipes a happy tear*

September and October were “catching up with the work I’ve neglected this year” months. I didn’t get much done in terms of personal things, though, because... work.

November was WORK OR DIE. I did *a lot* of stuff. A lot. I churned out stuff for projects and work like woah. And personal stuff was close to 0. I have only 4 doodles saved from November on my folders, though I may have a couple more on twitter? I tend to screenshot my doodles, post them and not save them ^^; And December has been a summer-hot, slow, short mess of a month; I suspect burnout, bc I can barely draw shit right now... or do anything else, for that matter “Orz. I seriously need to buy an industrial fan for that awfully hot computer room or I won’t survive January =_=; (in case you don;t know, I live on the southern hemisphere, it’s summer here and it’s awful) As for art, I feel like I improved this year. I’m happy with with what I’ve been able to do and with what I’m able to do when I work hard! I managed to do personal stuff each month, even if it was mostly procrastidoodling, but still! :D I even did finished pieces almost once a month :) And I keep repeating it, but I’m extremely proud of my amusement park piece <3 <3 <3 ...But I’m also upset with how inconsistent I’ve been and still am when it comes to balancing all the shit I have to do and want to do ): Being productive, then burned out, then productive then burned out again has been my jam this year and it hasn’t been healthy at all “Orz.

As for life, it was... bleh. While 2016 was like a rollercoaster, with a lot of high-highs and crashing down lows, 2017 was just a looooong low ride. I went from the social online person I had become in previous years to slowly being a hermit again because I managed to screw things up with some people while I was also, once again, pretty overwhelmed with everything I had on my plate. The depression and debt I was dragging from 2016 plus the burnout cycle kept doing their thing on my mental health, and losing friends and getting dumped didn’t really help; yay bad timing :/ (I deserved being dumped, though; I was neglectful af and bad at communicating, so even if it was understandable bc my mental health was pretty crappy during late 2016-early 2017, it’s not an excuse.) I ended up with a lot of “what’s the point of getting out of bed today” days by the middle of the year. Moving to a new apartment with the BF helped improve a lot of things, though, and for that I’m very grateful! Also having a dog helps a lot, I may feel like a waste of space that can barely exist, but my dog needs to go outside for potty at least twice a day :’D Since then, I’ve been working towards a more balanced life, with more successes than failures, but still not quite there yet. I still have a few days peppered here and there where I feel heavy and sad and unable to get out of bed and I barely eat... but I try to not dwell on them for too long (speaking of which, I should shower and attempt to exist today... “Orz). When I look back and think of the highlights of this year, it’s all stuff that happened to other people around me. I just... kept struggling with my bad choices and poor mental health to pay the bills, pay my debts and don’t disappoint ppl. But such is life for a lot of folks, isn’t it? So let’s say... the positive highlights of this year were the new apartment and NieR:Automata xD Also @yunalescasakura , she’s been a sweetheart this year to me and I don’t deserve her. I believe everything will be better once I manage to finish my project stuff (450+ unpaid hours to go... :’DDD) and I can’t wait for the day that I’m finally free from that to start a new chapter. By this time next year I should be done with projects and will be able to get a better balance!! I JUST HAVE TO ENDURE ONE MORE YEAR!! >_</ What I’m looking forward in 2018, besides finishing all my shit, is to buy a pen display! I’ve been saving slowly for one! I can’t afford a Cintiq, but I’m eyeing an xp-pen 15.6 *v* I also want to try to do traditional art once a week, probably during the weekend... I seriously need a break from drawing on the computer all day, and watercolors and colored pencils relax me so much... I want to buy a good webcam eventually to livestream/record speedpaint videos of it, because I love watching videos of people doing traditional art, haha ^^; Hopefully, in 2018 there will be a couple of Visual Novels released with my art, not counting my own stuff. I’ll also be resuming work on CDC: SideB as a hired artist this time around, since I can’t find the time at all to work on it otherwise. I sincerely hope I’ll be able to find mental space to be sociable in 2018 again, I hate being a hermit “Orz. That’s my goal for 2018: Find balance, kill the burnout cycle and be sociable again!

If you managed to read all of this, thank you. Thanks for being around, thanks for the nice messages that some of you somehow still send me even when I’m barely around anymore. I hope in 2018 I can give back to you all a lot more than I was able to this year. May the new year in ahead of us be full of nice things for everyone!

#2017 summary of art #october 2017 #shut up deji #deji improves #my art #Deji draws stuff

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