#was because it was in range of my dogs

[bottombaron]

btw i love that in Nandermo aus, where Nandor is a normal, good, human boyfriend - he's basically just Kayvan 🧡

#wwdits #nandermo #kayvan novak #nandor #i ordered one big goofy puppy dog man and i am not disappointed #but there's something amusing abt how nandor translated as an average human #is incapable of inhabiting nandor's other traits because they only work in the heightened comedy world of wwdits #otherwise it /really/ is horror #it rly gets you thinking abt how complex nandor is and the breadth of range you can experience him #he goes from love sick puppy to cruel prideful selfish prince to the aggressive bloodlust of a true monster #i love his fucked up lil brain #anyways #im being distracted from expressing my love for human au nandor who is basically kayvan as brandon fraizer from george of the jungle! #ie the perfect himbo #omg kayvan would have made a fucking amazing george of the jungle i cant unthink this

[healingheartdogs]

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it #i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like #and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day #so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like #'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now' #i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times #also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so #and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?' #and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently #im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore #unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough #they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort #chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain #ndr #not dog related #health stuff #not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out #im not crazy im just disabled!!!! #*been

[god-was-silent]

reading Harlan Ellison's Deathbird Stories: A Pantheon of Modern Gods (fucking fantastic) and was immediately VERY surprised reading "On the Downhill Side"—pleasantly surprised and fascinated with this story, this 'two ghosts of New Orleans are involved with one another by the God of Love in their last chance for something better before eternity in limbo hits them both, also there's a unicorn there' story,—with the protagonist, Paul Ordahl, because his story is Gorrister's story.

"On the Downhill Side" can be found easy-like in online archives within the actual set of Deathbird Stories (unless someone wants to hunt down a signed vinyl audiobook)—and I'll actually transcribe a page or two under the cut for fun, but really all that needs to be said is that Gorrister's life history in the video game is almost entirely a play-by-play of Paul's, except instead of Glynis it's Bernice, instead of a truck driver he's an architect (and frankly how the 'bitch mother-in-law' gets into contact with him makes more sense here—because Paul was receiving an award and doing an interview at a televised architect's convention and she cross-referenced that with newspapers to find the convention hotel, all that), and instead of never quite caring he always seemed to love too much—among other things.

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream was published in 1967, On the Downhill Side in 1972, the IHNMAIMS video game in 1995. wonder why things progressed the way it did in all that time in terms of how Gorrister's character was developed and changed. 'peace marcher and conscientious thinker to world-weary gave-little-damns-to-begin-with truck driver' and all.

do with that information what you will. 'd love to hear other folks' thoughts on this

ohh welcome to even more text okay here we go all standard content warnings for Gorrister's story apply (suicide and institutionalization mostly), just isolating some of Paul's dialogue once again from "On the Downhill Side" (1972) by Harlan Ellison (credit is important!)

"'My name is Paul Ordahl,' I told her. 'And the most awful thing that ever happened to me was my first wife, Bernice. I don't know how else to put it—even if it sounds melodramatic, it's simply what happened—she went insane, and I divorced her, and her mother had her committed to a private mental home.'"

"'Her mother was the one had her committed, you see. I only heard from them twice after the divorce. It had been four stinking years and I really didn't want any more of it. Once, after I'd started making some money, the mother called and said Bernice had to be put in the state asylum. There wasn't enough money to pay for the private home any more. I sent a little; not much. I suppose I could have sent more, but I was remarried, there was a child from her previous marriage. I didn't want to send any more. I told the mother not to call me again. There was only once after that…it was the most terrible thing that ever happened to me.'"

"'I was in New York,' I said. 'I was receiving an award at an architects' convention—did I mention I was an architect—yes, that's what I was at the time, an architect—and I did a television interview. The mother saw me on the program, and checked the newspapers to find out what hotel we were using for the convention, and she got my room number and called me. I had been out quite late after the banquet when I'd gotten my award, quite late. I was sitting on the side of the bed, taking off my shoes, my tuxedo tie hanging from my unbuttoned collar, getting reading to just throw clothes on the floor and sink away, when the phone rang. It was the mother. She was a terrible person, one of the worst I ever knew, a shrike, a terrible, just a terrible person. She started telling me about Bernice in the asylum. How they had her in this little room and how she stared out the window most of the time. She'd reverted to childhood, and most of the time she couldn't even recognize the mother; but when she did, she'd say something like 'Don't let them hurt me, Mommy, don't let them hurt me.' So I asked her what she wanted me to do, did she want money for Bernice or what…Did she want me to go see her since I was in New York…and she said God no. And then she did an awful thing to me. She said the last time she'd been to see Bernice, my ex-wife had turned around and put her finger to her lips and said, 'Shhh, we have to be very quiet. Paul is working.' And I swear, a snake uncoiled in my stomach. It was the most terrible thing I'd ever heard. No matter how secure you are that you honest to God had not sent someone to a madhouse, there's always that little core of doubt, and saying what she'd said just burned out my head. I couldn't even think about it, couldn't even really hear it, or it would have collapsed me. So down came these iron walls and I just kept on talking, and after a while she hung up.'

'It wasn't till two years later that I allowed myself to think about it, and then I cried; it had been a long time since I'd cried. Oh, not because I believed that nonsense about a man isn't supposed to cry, but just because there hadn't been anything that important to cry about. But when I let myself hear what she'd said, I started crying, and just went on and on till I finally went in and looked into the bathroom mirror and I asked myself face to face if I'd done that, if I'd ever made her be quiet so I could work on blueprints or drawings…

'And after a while I saw myself shaking my head no, and it was easier. That was about three years before I died.'"

"I remember the daybreak of the night I'd died. There had been mist. I had been a suicide.

My third wife had left me. She had gone away during the night, while I'd been at a business meeting with a client; I had been engaged to design a church in Baton Rouge. All that day I'd steamed the old wallpaper off the apartment we'd rented. It was to have been our first home together, paid for by the commission. I'd done the steaming myself, with a tall ladder and a steam condenser and two flat pans with steam holes. Up near the ceiling the heat had been so awful I'd almost fainted. She'd brought me lemonade, freshly squeezed. Then I'd showered and changed and gone to my meeting. When I'd returned, she was gone. No note."

#i have no mouth and i must scream #ihnmaims #gorrister ihnmaims #harlan ellison #//echo #fatal flaw's that i don't shut up on posts nor in my tags #i read a piece at a point talking about how ellison was said to be a good author to be introduced to in middle school #something about the age's resonance with themes of antagonism and isolation and aggression and the likes #to be 'outgrown' just because he's got one Voice he's really good at while other authors— #—have some better range at capturing themes of love and devotion #and all things considered my other favorite stories of his ARE basilisk and the whimper of whipped dogs #because that Voice is so fucking poignant and biting in there...so. hm #but by god a lot of his stories were fucking about love. that's important to me too #'d never want to dismiss those works or take it for granted for some perceived tonal dissonance yanno #^ all borderline fucking irrelevant what i REALLY want to say is that i wish i could dissect the video game #something about bemoaning never getting to know author's intent. game development processes. what was it FORRR #leaning towards 'elevating a prior work' over any kind of 'quick copy paste' situation. but also like. ??? #but fuuck if i know. i don't. never will #so mostly just using it to add some color to my mental perception of gorrister. give that man a unicorn! #weird flavor packet #only putting his tag on there in case someone has it blocked. ellison cw bahaha #if i'm hard to read i am so fucking sorry

[ragewrites]

pair of hounds named Comes-Back and Should Know Better. pair of hounds named Conscious Choice and Unconditional. pair of hounds named Run to You and Six Hundred Kilometers.

#concepts #i was thinking about those ridiculous protestant / puritan names and also guard dog archetypes and—yeah. yeahhh #six hundred kilometers is a true one actually. years ago my grand-aunt had this one dog—Dima. he'd gotten old and then during routine #the vet tech found a cancerous tumour in his bowels. she couldn't bear to watch him die so #in his endless wisdom my eldest uncle decided they should drive the dog very far away from home; make him comfortable; leave him there. #so they did. so they drove out a little over six hundred kilometers #because within a 300~350km RANGE around us they were sure he'd be able to find his way back #since he'd been going around w her everywhere his whole life #well. what do you know? Dima came back. #looking dirty and exhausted but the good boy made his way back #he lived longer than they thought he would too—for about one more year. died quietly with his head in her lap. #i'm very fine about this story obviously : )

[lonely--seeker]

Going on a fucking walk with my (not mine) dog that I hate (I don't) from now on because at this point I'm not entirely sure whose emotional, physical and mental health depends on it.

I need to take a picture of him because he's gotten so much bigger than last time I showed him

#this is going to be forging a symbiotic relationship between us #look the dog hasn't done anything bad but i don't like dogs #in a sense that i love animals but dogs are smelly and loud and i don't want them near me because if they lick me one more time i will- #so my dog (not mine!!!) is still a pup but a smart ass #only for violence!! this asshole will come at you and purposefully launh at you with his body weigh and kick you with his front paws #it's messing with my bodily stability how dare he #also he will walk behind you and somehow SOMEHOW jump at your feet and GRIP GRIP it tightly and put all his WEIGH on you #it's a small dog but he somehow KNOWS his game and WILL stop you #im terrified of his gripping technics #in other news I teached him to sit (sometimes) and give you his paw (violently) #now that I think of it he has Cat energy. doggy baps you with my paw baps you with my paw #Anyways. He also likes to jump and bite whatever you're holding in the air in range #i know he needs training but i do what i can it's my grandma's dog and for the most part i never see him i live on the second floor #i have never trained a dog in my life i don't know what dogs think that creature... smells #my cats smell like the sun and ocassional dirt but that's fine #this dog sort of smells like dog dirt and shampoo which is weird since i don't think he ever bathed in his life? #he is... 3 months old i suppose #ANYWAYS it's gotta be ME the one to take him on walks i guess because no one else does it

[wordybee]

It's messed up that mixed breed dogs are now considered "designer breeds" instead of what they actually are, which are adorable mutts.

#dogs #my childhood dog was a chow/husky mix we got for free because his existence was a fuckup #out of curiosity I looked it up and 'chusky' puppies range from $500 to $1000+ #this is complete bullshit and shouldn't be a thing

[minttey]

Social experiment: in the tags say if you had pets growing up and how many siblings you have

#technically the amount of siblings i have range from 3-5 depending on your definition #and ive had many pets #cats geckos dogs an iguana amd some fish #i felt like the coolest pwrson ever when i had the iguana #even tho i was in like 3rd grade #but yeah #i cirrently have a dog and five cats #the purpose of this is because i wanna find a correlation between pets and siblings #also im lonely cause my bbygrl is gone

[spiralsta1rcase]

autism won today.

#rookie talks #club penguin #nintendo ds #btw i locked myself out of my house because of this #the doorbell rang so i rushed outside and accidentally slammed the door shut bc i didn't want my dog to bark even more

[godseeker-yharim]

Christ on a BIKE The Final Dawn doesn't mess around.

#it's a weapon i never paid much attention to before because i am not a close-range rogue #i prefer to not even see the boss sprites because i'm so far offscreen from them #but this thing is pretty damn cool #especially with my maxed stealth gen build #i cannot wait to introduce thanatos to this thing #i'm farming DoG for the trophy and i can take him from P2 to dead with two well-placed stealth strikes with this #very efficient #edit: it took me SIXTY-TWO kills to get that damn trophy

[danceintheskies]

darkest dungeon is sooooo fun I'm so bad at it but it's so fun

#RIPS OPEN SHIRT TO REVEAL INNER SHIRT THAT READS 'I ❤️ TURN BASED BATTLE SYSTEMS THAT AREN'T REAL TIME BASED' #i didn't think I'd enjoy it just because. the rotting and decaying vibe is usually not my thing. but it's played up so much in this game #that it's kindof hilarious #i have like no money all the time all my characters hit for jack and shit damage i had three bad bitches die already but im havingthe tim #e of my life #shout out to the plague doctor bitch who started out with a simultaneous god complex and extreme self loathing #and had a penalty to ranged attacks despite being in a fully ranged class #who lasted all of two excursions before getting a heart attack and dying of stress. she was so iconic. #but yeah i love strategizing and thinking things through. the game is hard-- there are a lot of moving parts to keep track of #but bc it's turn based you can kinda keep track of them and strategize at your own pace #so basically it never feels fully unfair. and even if you eat shit and TPK it's not the end of the world #aside from the plague doctor who blew up and acted likw she didn't know nobody my favourite classes so far have been #the paladin and the cleric. also i got the dlc and the shieldbuster(?) class is crazy good #my posts #OH also i love the class thats just a guy and his dog. #not much damage without setup but being able to take hits in place of a beat up ally while having a super dodge status is so fun

[healingheartdogs]

I love being in America where I have to decide if the pain of something clearly going wrong inside my body is urgent enough to risk getting COVID at an ER from sick people and doctors who are no longer masking and having to deal with a grossly inflated medical bill that I already know I can't pay because I have no insurance or income currently.

#digestive stuff again #had me passing out from pain earlier this morning on the bathroom floor cuz that shit was at a 9 #and i almost gave in and told Selene to take me but it got a bit better after a bit so i didn't #and ive been sitting at like 5-8 range since then but smoking and laying down on my stomach or side helps take it down to 2-4 range #i was nauseous as fuck earlier too and that shit had me in a cold sweat when it got bad #my current guesses as to what is wrong are... idk diverticulitis maybe #and i don't know what to do about that if it is because I CAN'T AFFORD MEDICAL TREATMENT #LAND OF THE FREE #free to die in poverty #the pain is like around where im used to experiencing period pain #low low abdominal area but also is radiating around my sides and to my back #but unlike period pain it is not going away and it comes back with a vengeance anytime i need to use the bathroom #which is making me not want to eat or drink tbh #ndr #not dog related

[my-taste-in-music]

Somehow almost all of my friends are my age or slightly younger and have no older siblings, which like doesn’t come up very often but sometimes I think kids my age have a shared experience and then I come to realize no one was listening to MCR at age 6 unless they had an older brother in his emo phase

#same goes for tv shows #my friends were watching Dora and I was watching courage the cowardly dog #I remember so many shows where I was just below the target age range but I watched them because my brothers liked them #having older siblings really shapes your childhood

[dykeredhood]

Yeah the whole dog metaphor doesn’t work when you’ve been told by your own parents that: you’re the dog that chews on the furniture while the family is out

#i hated dogs to begin with but wow #yes I am airing my assorted grievances #I was told the reason that retail stores had inconsistent schedules was because of people like me #and then I watched most of my belongings thrown away #personal #I’m fine with being flat and unemotional if the narrow range of #emotions I showed to my parents led to my actual possessions being chucked in a fucking dumpster #rant in tags

[keepitdreamin]

dreading and psyching myself up for days to make this phone call and when i finally do, they don't even answer!

#trying to ask question about dog boarding for later this summer #bcs if i can figure out something for banjo #i might go up and hang out with my aunt and uncle (and babysit my cousins) for a few weeks #but their app doesn't actually tell you if a date is already pre booked #you just have to request a date range and then wait for them to get back to you #but i'm not actually 100% on the dates because it depends on if i can get her boarding or not #so now i've emailed them to ask if the general date range i have (give or take a few days) is available #if it's not then i'll have to call other boarders ugh #mypersonalthings

[buckets-of-dirt]

What is the point of a very specialized "watch" that costs the same amount as an actual smart watch (which have apps that theoretically do the same thing) but has fewer functions and isn't even very good at the one thing it's supposed to do?

#IT'S ALWAYS DISCONNECTING AT THE LEAST HELPFUL TIMES #my doctor recommended it because it's the only fda approved seizure detection device and the smartwatch apps aren't fda approved #even though they do the same thing and are in the same price range #this stupid fucking thing barely even tells time #the only times it's ever alerted were false alarms (petting a dog and shoveling the driveway) #the website warns that if theres 'thick fabric' between the device and your phone it might disconnect #which apparently translates to it refusing to connect if my phone is in my pants pocket or Im sleeping under a blanket #this thing has one job and it is terrible at it #I emailed the customer service people to ask for help and they were basically useless #I found a reddit page from FOUR YEARS AGO discussing my exact problem and it looks like nothing's changed #one of the commenters suggested the op just get a service dog instead which misses the point entirely #anyway unless anyone made it through this whole tag rant and has helpful suggestions I'll probably talk to my parents about switching #at least a smartwatch would function as a watch and count my steps or whatever #not that Im super thrilled about the concept of smartwatches overall but in this case it might be better than nothing #epilepsy

[glitch-in-the-code]

I do believe the toys (Chica, Freddy, and Bonnie) are possessed by kids from a different incident but Mangle is possessed by Susie’s dog

#idk why - it’s a little bit funny to me #maybe I’ll say mangle is possessed by both a dog and another kid #either way - I think the kids who possessed the toys are older than other missing kids #(which is funny because in my version the kids’ ages range from 15-12)