#was kind of the start of me unlearning a lot of shit that was going on my head.
can i be fr for a minute?? sending abuse to people online for holding different views than you is not activism and in fact actively hurts your cause. most people are not extreme in their viewpoints, you can give them a new perspective if you're willing to spend some time explaining shit. if someone is saying something you disagree with and you rush in there to condescend to them and call them disgusting and subhuman and dont even TRY to explain calmly why their views are harmful, they're going to shut you out instantly and double down on their views.
most people are simply genuinely ignorant to the issues they're talking about - they just pick their views up from the news and the world around them and express opinions because that's what every person does. if you run in there and tell them they're scum for it, what then? if someone does that to you, are you going to think "maybe i should do some research" or are you going to think "this person is an asshole, im blocking them." a lot of you think you're activists and then refuse to do any kind of actual WORK to support your cause.
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Having some mad fuckboy!Leon thoughts rn
After he's unlearned all the stuff he taught himself and is basically done with the whole fuckboy thing oh man he would be SO soft. Holding your hand? Check. Cuddling at his dorm? Check. Being more gentle and loving during sex? Also check.
Also, stealing his hoodies. He'd melt for sure
oh, for sure. healed fuckboy!leon would be a SIGHT TO BEHOLD.
he wouldn't be perfect...
progress isn't linear. he'd stumble a lot. make a lot of mistakes and backward steps. you would need to be patient. you would need to be careful. especially in the early stages. because damn, he's trying. he's trying so hard. and you need to acknowledge the effort, even if it's hard to see, because any praise towards this will mean so much to him.
it'd come out especially on his bad days. he's more impatient. short-tempered. lashes out over seemingly mundane things. you'll need to be firm but not demeaning. catch his tells, his habits, and figure out the real reason he's behaving the way he is.
you'll need to slowly teach him the true depth of his words. that they hurt you just as much as they hurt him. he's unfamiliar with the idea of accountability, so you need to teach him about consequences. let him know you're upset and angry at him. but just because you're upset doesn't mean he's irredeemable. he'll assume any pushback is you ending things permanently. he needs the space to fuck up and forgive himself.
and damn it all, he's the jealous type. possessive. protective as all hell. it's toxic, and you need to teach him boundaries. it'll be tough. he worked so fucking hard to get you, doesn't he deserve to have you the way he needs? but no. you need freedom. he'll learn eventually, but be prepared to send a lot of "im safe and i miss u" texts to him when you're out with friends.
speaking of toxic. the toxic masculinity will be hell to unpack. sometimes it's nice! he insists on you being passenger princess. he insists on picking up the bill (well, once you're actually dating). he doesn't mind taking care of spiders (and fine, just because you asked nicely, he won't kill them). but...the bads get real bad.
displaying any kind of vulnerable emotion is like pulling teeth. when he's nervous, scared, anxious...he'll take it out on others. or himself. early progress will be made when he's blackout drunk and spilling everything to you. he reveals the deepest, most fragile parts of himself on these nights. it's like he's an entirely different person. and the next morning he'll do his best to sweep it all under the rug, but you have to fight for it. accept him and love him despite how "totally fucking lame" he acted (his words, not yours).
that being said. the good parts? oh yeah. Boyfriend Material 100%.
he'd do anything for you. anything. don't even say shit as a joke because he'll do it. at a certain point he doesn't even care if his friends think he's being stupid. you're his whole world. he'd wear stupid t-shirts for you. go to that concert you're dying to see even if he thinks the music sucks. he'll bash his head into a wall and learn to bake french pastries if it'll get you to smile. through hell and high water, he'll follow.
and yeah, he weans himself off social media. stops posting thirst trap photos and cuts ties with his sneaky links. but the lack of external validation is felt, and it kind of falls on you to fill the void. clingy won't even begin to describe what he is. he'll resort to begging. he will. late to work in the morning? that's not his problem. you're staying in that damn bed and you are cuddling him. you think him wearing tank tops in the middle of December is just a dumb mistake, but you catch on quick when he starts to shiver and needs to huddle you for warmth. "you want me to die of hypothermia? c'mon, babe. get closer." and yeah. those ice cold hands are going straight on your stomach. have fun.
part of the excitement will come from truly learning who he is as a person. most of his herculean facade is a persona. he doesn't actually like beer. he likes dry whiskey and refined clear liquors. he doesn't actually enjoy parties. the crowds make him nauseous, and he can always blame it on the alcohol. he's not actually all that into sports. you figure out he has a well-loved public library card and he knows the mystery section like the back of his hand. he's vibrant. shockingly intelligent. gets that light in his eyes when you nudge him about his interests. it'll be hard to get him to admit it, but his favorite part of the week is huddling on the couch watching nature documentaries with you.
and it's a two-way street. he remembers everything about you. early on in your relationship you casually assume he'll never keep track of the important dates. that's the stereotype, right? you couldn't be more wrong. birthdays. anniversaries. doctor's appointments. your fucking dog's yearly vaccine. he won't necessarily go all-out, not until you're more of a long-term thing, but what he does is meaningful. sincere. you won't get $500 of flowers and chocolate for valentine's day, but he'll abduct you from work, drive you out far, far into the countryside. lay out a patchwork blanket and stare at the night sky. he brought your favorite brand of pita chips and sneakily worms a gift box in your hand. it's that stupid $15 thing that's been sitting in your online shopping cart for weeks that you could never justify buying. and yeah, he'd appreciate a blowjob under the stars, but seeing you happy is enough.
and you could never begin to imagine how loving and passionate he can get during sex. it's totally different than his usual flavor. casual hook-ups and one-night stands are merely a fraction of his power. he tends to avoid intimate gestures on those nights. no eye-contact. hardly any kissing. he likes it rough and he likes it fast. but with you? he takes his time. commits your body to muscle memory. his gaze is intense, and he watches every reaction, trying to map out your flesh like a cartographer. he'll happily make out with you for upwards of a couple hours before you even begin the real foreplay. and you always cum first. always.
oh, but if you're not a fan of PDA...he might be a problem. he's proud of you. you're the hottest thing on two legs as far as he's concerned. he'll have no issue grabbing your ass, wrapping a hand around your waist, kissing along your neck, whispering the most obscene things in your ear. it's not even to make a point. there's no rhyme or reason. he just wants to. and you're right there. and what right does the world have to tell him to stop? does it make people uncomfortable? who cares. he'll lay off if it really bugs you that much...but if he catches anyone staring at you too long he'll ramp it up. it's almost aggressive. you turn to scold him, noticing how his eyes aren't even on you. he's staring at someone else. someone who's looking at what's his.
he's a yes man, too. if you need restraint and careful guidance in your life...he's not the one. he'll support any weird, out of the blue hobby you want to pursue. if you even joke about quitting your job he'll egg you on. "i'll drive right up there and tell your boss i'll fuck his wife!" and you have to talk him down. he'll punch the sun for you. he'll be behind every impulsive purchase. every 4am trip to walmart. every instinct to feed your id. any "little treat" you want to have he'll get it. because you deserve the best. if you ever want to have a stable bank account you need the be the voice of reason. because it's not gonna be him.
yeah. he'll have a lot of problems. don't worry about that. but, at least with fuckboy!leon, you'll almost never have any doubts that he loves you. once you manage to pin his heart on his sleeve, it's there for life and it'll always be yours.
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Let me tell you being a former Christian this shit goes so much deeper than a lot of born Jews realize. The Christian worldview (specifically Calvinist/Puritan) seeping into and pervading all of modern leftism is honestly frightening. But also it's very funny.
They believe that there are Good people and Bad people, and that any mistake or lapse in judgment or instance of not being educated is a Mask Off moment, showing who is a member of the Elect and who is not. If you fuck up, that's not just a fuck up, it's Revealing. You are damned, were always damned, you were just good at hiding it, and now we know the truth and are doubly angry because not only are you evil, you lied about it. The only recourse is to shun you, and if that leads to your death, so be it. Anyone who's seen any micro celebrity get canceled saw this in action.
And the only way you can prove you're a member of the Elect is to operate as if you have nothing to hide. You have to loudly and proudly proclaim your righteousness. If you don't have anything to hide why would you be worried? Privacy is suspicious. You Must Speak on everything they deem important or else you obviously agree with the Bad People. There is no room for discussion or healthy debate. There are no loopholes or subclauses or other points of view to consider. You're with us or against us. If you don't constantly go around saying you're with us, you're probably secretly against us. The only way to convince your neighbors, whom you inherently distrust, that you're one of the Good Ones, is to perform righteousness, parrot righteous words. The only way to redeem yourself is by grandiose acts of self flagellation, perhaps being the right demographic, or by accusing others of Heresy.
The goal is not to bring good into the world, it's to recruit more people into the same thought patterns (that's kind of all Christian denominations though). Because if you can convince your community that you're one of the Elect, that means G-d preselected you for Heaven, and you're golden. No repercussions or consequences baby. The only material benefit for you is that you "get" to proclaim you're going to Heaven and everyone has to agree with you. If anyone doesn't they're probably going to Hell anyway. You're on the right side (of history), so why should you ever self reflect or grow? Why should you question anything? Why should nuance or empathy exist? This is about Right and Wrong. We know where we stand, where do you stand?
Every single aspect of American culture and politics, right and "left" alike, was planted by the pilgrims, and it is so fundamentally antithetical to true Leftist thought. Remember all the actually successful Western Leftist movements were started in Europe (and Israel cough cough)... because they kicked all their fucking psychotic Calvinists out. Those people went to America and that's a big big big reason why we don't have any near as much of a robust Leftist movement as even socially conservative European countries (and Israel cough cough). And what's funny is I still find myself slipping into these thought patterns, which is so not compatible with Jewish philosophy or theology. It's been years and I'm still not done.
It's a hell of a drug to kick, so I definitely don't trust white goysiche college kids who've been antitheists for about 6 months since they left their Republican parents' homes to have any great success in unlearning and unprogramming from this. Which is kind of obvious in that I see them acting just like their conservative Christian parents every day on every social media platform, swap out a gun toting white Jesus with some noble savage idea of Palestine, absolving the West of its sins against the Global South.
It is a cult structured around spiritual isolation, antisocial behavior, and it is inherently against any kind of political movement that centers and celebrates the Community. It is designed to tear communities apart and foster obedience to whatever authority can force itself on them. And this has been going on for almost 500 years, there is nothing we can do about it.
Thank you for the insightful look. Their "purity culture" approach definitely had to come from somewhere.
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BotW/TotK men as dads
i have baby fever that won't go away
anyway, here's a... something
enjoy <3
Link
oh it’s gonna be wild
most rambunctious child (including Rivan’s)
sweet and caring
but overall, CHAOTIC
will teach his child literally everything he knows
not many words are spoken, but there’s so much love
sign language is a big thing for sure
hugs galore
will defend his child as if his life depended on it
Sidon (i have so many for Sidon, so only adding a little bit here)
so confident
yet so scared
lots of learning
gentle
the love in the household is UNREAL
takes his kid everywhere Mipha took him
the fun is never ending
Bazz
so much unlearning
scared he’s not giving his child enough attention
wants to spend all of his time with them
think’s he’s not good enough of a father
doesn’t know how to have deep; meaningful conversations
doesn’t want to be like his own father
loves and cares SO deeply
once he gets past all the heavy stuff, he’s the best dad a kid could have
Rivan
already a dad, and a good one at that
literally so on top of his game
others cannot compare
takes his kid to work and shows them how cool everyone is
“Bazz is a little on edge because you’re here, but we won’t worry about that.”
the fun dad
Dunma babysits sometimes to give Rivan a break
but he ends up not going anywhere because he loves his little family THAT much
silly af
an actual dilf
perfect father
100000/10
Ledo
so gentle
so kind
will literally gift his kid rocks that look cool
teaches them everything Dento taught him
would probably ask Dento to babysit
has the most well behaved child out of anyone on this list
another apprentice in the making
would hand-make his child toys
Revali
asshole stepdad energy to start with
lots of unlearning
lots of re-learning
scared shitless
once he eventually realizes his actions have consequences, he’ll own up to his mistakes
ends up being a cool dad
“don’t talk to me or my son ever again” energy
takes his child to the flight range everyday
“You’re the best, and don’t forget it.”
Teba
already a dad, and a cool one
Tulin is such a good brother (but man is he a little shit sometimes)
the kids would go to the flight range and Teba would let them go by themselves
not like he has a village to run or anything…
a little more strict than the others on this list, but it’s out of love and safety
trusts Tulin to take care of his younger sibling
goes with both of them to the flight range once every two weeks to watch what they’ve been working on
wants the best for his kids
but doesn’t want to get in the way of their fun
Daruk
a cool dad
wise
also fun
would be the one to take his child to the skatepark
Goron City better watch out, because these two are fly af
funny dad jokes
would call his kid ‘kiddo’ unironically
“kiddo goro”
Yunobo
i cannot see this one as a dad
more like the distant uncle
but he’d be so sweet
and so caring
so afraid he’d fuck up
needs constant reassurance
gentle af
takes things too personally
Tauro
THE cool dad
dilf energy for sure
would take his kid to research the Zonai ruins
and he’d probably end up losing them 30% of the time
don’t worry, they know where they are
uses his research and findings for teaching his child
these two would be the most knowledgable people in Hyrule
Rauru
the wise one
and SO chill
and helpful af
only takes part in chaos if it’s the fun kind
will shut down ANY ‘funny business’
defends his child with his life
together they pick flowers for Sonia
the love is unmatched
and the surprises are never ending
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I'm having thoughts about the Jedi and romance and UGH
Listen to me
Listen
(This is a shitpost, please do not reblog to argue with me, it's not for that. This is me, an a-spec individual with a lot of feelings on how society affects the things we view as important, venting in stream of consciousness.)
"Missing out on love" isn't something that matters as much when your society isn't amatonormative
"But they aren't allowed to get married" what if they don't want to?
"But they aren't allowed to romance" what if they don't want to?
When your culture is one that emphasizes compassion for all, and the most important bond is that of child and teacher... Don't you think that people might just not think of marriage as something worth striving for?
And from @jebiknights:
Honestly the only reason it bothers Anakin is bc he already met Padmé when he became a Jedi tbh i bet it wouldn't even bother him as much if he hadn't met her and already had visions of marrying her
In general though yeah lol, that's one of the things i kind of miss about legends, is they didn't always deal with the attachment/romance/marriage thing well but you consistently had obi wan exes even before satine where they were like yeah we love each other and always will but we have no need or desire to get married or continue this
When the world around you doesn't emphasize marriage and romance and all that, then wouldn't you view cultures that do as a tad odd? Not weird in a bad way, just different.
I just keep thinking about the real world and how so much of the obsession with marriage and so on is a sociocultural thing. You don't want a big white dress because it's a bit white dress: you want it because it is the symbol that your culture has been pushing on you since you were two. Girls are taught to fantasize about weddings and marriage and to like A Certain Look for it, sometimes to such a degree that they can spend decades in denial about things like their sexualities.
And we're unlearning that as a society, people are being more critical of the institution and how they engage with it, are starting to question what it is that our media teaches us, asking 'why is marriage the most important thing in a girl's life, or in anyone's life' and generally moving towards a world where marriage exists but is not treated as a universal life goal
But the Jedi are just. Already doing that. They are already Not Teaching their children 'you should want this.'
And when you aren't pressured into wanting something like marriage... why would you be offended that your community says "you can have that Legal And Religious Status, but not with us. We'll still be your friends, but we as a community are not compatible with that legal and religious status barring a handful of specific and necessary exemptions."
Just
Marriage is not an inherent human/sapient want
Companionship is! We are biologically wired to be social creatures! We are biologically wired to, on the average, want sex, as well! That's how a species continues!
But marriage? A signed sheet of paper? That's not... inherent.
Fidelity and monamory? Sure, maybe. Plenty of species mate for life. But... humans have been proving that's a choice for most of history.
Other species are other things but anyway
Even if we remove marriage, specifically, and go to discuss attachment as being fidelity and exclusivity and devotion to another...
IDK how to talk about this without just going "devoting your life to a single person for companionship, romance, and sex is not only not necessary, but actually kind of mentally draining and a bad way to support yourself, we all need support systems and if you value one person's friendship or companionship more than others, that's not inherently a bad thing, but if you define yourself around each other or start doing shit like Covering Up Major Crimes That Hurt Real Innocent People (or committing said crimes) then. Uh. That's a problem."
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Continuing this little vent-fest of mine, I really hate how people will just... absorb whatever misinformation they hear about DID. Like, sure, I get it, you want to believe the person who has the stigmatized disorder when they talk about it. But sometimes people with the disorder are just fucking wrong, too. Sometimes we also need to unlearn our biases, incorrect assumptions, and ideas that sound right but actually aren't. We're not a perfectly unbiased group. We're not granted omnipresence about every presentation and facet of our disorder.
And it frustrates me so much because it's always framed as though the people correcting the misinformation are evil, ableist bigots. As if we're the problem and not trying to handle a situation before it gets out of hand and people get hurt. They'll always absorb the misinformation because the person spreading it has DID but anyone fucking correcting it is "clocked" as a faker lying for unspecified malicious reasons. Omfg. Grow the fuck up and admit that you just uncritically absorbed the first thing you heard about whatever aspect of the disorder we're talking about this time. Grow the fuck up and accept that DID is complex and involves a lot of phenomena that might sound far-fetched at first. Especially when it comes to the complex ways we might be traumatized and show the effects of our trauma, are you kidding me. You are not immune to misinformation. You are not immune to exclusionism. You are not immune to hurting people in the name of protecting them.
I did eventually end up reaching out to the person who reblogged that post calling a specific subset of systems, as well as a specific form of abuse, a conspiracy theory. No word back as of yet. But I'm going to try to let it go and focus on my own projects for right now, because that is a ball of yarn I am not going to untangle overnight, but I can at least start sharpening the scissors for someone else to cut through it one day. Confrontation is not my strong suit, and I'm tired of being treated like shit for trying to correct misinformation about the disorder I work to destigmatize. Best to focus my efforts elsewhere.
If you've dealt with this kind of thing, seen this kind of post where people will spread the most obviously incorrect shit because they don't want to accept all the complexities and unusualities of DID, my heart goes out to you. It sucks. But I refuse to believe that it's going to be this way forever. No matter how fruitless it may seem, we are making headway in awareness, understanding, and acceptance. Some asshats who want to stick their head in the sand and only accept the most simplified, sanitized version of this messy and varied disorder are not going to stop us from making a place in the world for ourselves.
Keep your head high and your mind open. We're gonna make it through this shit.
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Questions for the demiromantic and demisexuals out there
Ok, so I've recently found this term thanks to an aroace character from a show I watched. I knew of the sexuality but I didn't really know the specifics because I always thought I was bi but now looking into it I didn't know how aroace was like a literal umbrella and there was so much more to it then meets the eye. Which I'm 30 I feel like I should know more than what I do. But with doing research into it trying to understand it better, I learned about all the terms, and I learned about demiromantic and demisexual and it really resonated with me. But I wanted to ask for advice, I guess? Like I like romance I love reading it seeing art and what have you but when it comes to romance for myself I'm not a big fan? And maybe it's because I literally have to unlearn so much romance equals a, b, and c when that's not really true. I literally been in only one relationship in my life and it consisted of hand holding small kisses (no tongue, honestly I have an ick with spit and the only reason I "wanted" to do deeper kisses with the boyfriend I had at the time was because I felt like it was a requirement) but I honestly didn't feel attraction towards him until after getting to know him and being friends with him for months well into almost a year. And he's the only one I ever felt that way for I hardly ever had crushes or when I did I almost kinda forced myself into having them if that makes sense? It was "natural," and every kid was supposed to have crushes. Nothing ever came from the "crushes" though.
Now, like I said, I'm well into my 30s, and the relationship I just mentioned was the only relationship romantic wise I've ever had. I have had strong feelings for two of the friends I have but one friend is straight as they come and the other is married lol the one that is married though we have a strong bond that I wouldn't trade anything for. She tickles my hand, and she lets me cuddle her all the time, and we just spend nights just playing games together, just like when we were in high school. I love her so damn much, and I'll cherish what we have even when we are both dead and gone. She is my forever person.
Sorry, I went into a mini rant about my platonic love, but she's the best, and when I start talking about her, I have to gush lol, but anyways back to my sexuality crisis
So anyways, when there is even a chance of someone having an interest in me, I honestly kind of freak out. Or like if someone tries to set me up with someone, red neon flashing warning signs pop up for me. I don't know that person, and honestly, I get put off by big romantic gestures. Like, I appreciate it, but I don't think it's necessary? Can we just go get McDonald's, sit in the parking lot, and just shoot the shit? Play some games? We can watch movies or shows too.
I've also been on the dating websites and such as well, and I'm just always immediately put off. "Hello beautiful," ugh. "Insert pickup line here." please God why. "Unsolicited romantic or sexual advances right after a day of talking." Haha, no. There was literally one guy I thought was cool and we kinda flirted but it was really just talking everyday about the games we were playing I feel like if given time a connection could of been built but he ended up finding someone else immediately. Which honestly was fine I was kinda bummed but like if he wanted romance immediately, I wasn't gonna be giving that to him. I wanted to still be friends, but apparently, we had "too much history," so he ended up blocking me. lol oh well.
I've also literally only have had two "crushes" in like in a 5 year time span (only because this is what I can remember lol) one of em was so goofy and seemed so fun but then it seems like they turned out to be very self absorbed instantly done the other had baby mama drama wasn't into that. Honestly, those things seem to be things that could be worked through? Maybe? But once I just see something off-putting, it's all I see, which seems more like a personal thing because of past traumas.
As of now I'm honestly content with no romantic relationship but I feel like I do want one but I don't want one with just anyone and it just doesn't seem like many people out there are willing to wait or willing to be friends first and want to hop into relationships immediately when I very much don't. It takes me a while to be comfortable with people, and I want to get to know them as a person.
For a long time I felt like I just wasn't doing things right or that I had to actually change something that I was doing. I thought I was wrong or that I should just force myself into the uncomfortable situation of being someone's girlfriend immediately but then if it turns out I just don't have those romantic feelings then there the whole process of hurting them which is just anxiety inducting.
Also, with all that I'm saying, it does go into the demisexual portion, too. I've still never been with someone sexually because even in the one relationship I have had, I haven't met someone I've trusted to give myself to. The thought of one night stands or anything of the like just makes me wanna crawl into myself. I don't mind anything sexual but I want to be with someone sexually that I trust and care about with my whole being, not some dude Craig or some chick Wendy from Tinder. I'm content with that, but a lot of the times, I'm almost made to feel bad because I haven't done anything sexual. But boy, can I read all the smut on Ao3. Like it all in theory, but dunno about in practice lol I just don't have much of a drive in general, but I don't know if that's just because I've never been with anyone before? I keep getting told, "As soon as you're with someone, your sex drive changes," and like, does that shit really happen? Lol
All in all, I really feel connected to the terms demiromantic and demisexual. Even when I just said I'm bi, it just never felt right, but for once, I feel like I finally found something that I felt connected to and finally found me. But I guess I also wanna feel like I'm right in assuming so? I dunno I feel like it'd be disrespectful in using a label that isn't really you? Which doesn't sound right because everyone has the right to find themselves, and sometimes people go through a list until they finally find themselves, which is what's happening to me right now. But my feelings also just get jumbled up and I have a hard time distinguishing what's been conditioned in me, like how you date, you get into a relationship, ya do couple things, then you get married ect. When all I wanna do is get to know you, really know you, then actually date but even then I feel like a lot of my stuff is more on the platonic end? Like, I like cuddling and kissing, and I do like romance but on a more tame level? I kick my feet when reading "he bought her all these extravagant gifts then he swept her off her feet and dipped her into a kiss" so cute but like if I was actually in that situation like bro put me down for real and I'm so awkward when given gifts lol
I dunno I'd just would really like to discuss this with others who have found themselves because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I've talked to my friends and they of course support me and love me but I feel like they don't really get it? And my family just chalks it up to " Ya just don't have a lot of experience it'll all change when ya get out there and mingle with people"
Thanks in advance for reading all this if ya made it this far I know it's a lot of word vomit as I like to call it but I don't have very organized thoughts and I just kinda write what I'm thinking in the moment lol
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Since it's Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week I want to thank the aro community for everything they taught me and everything they did for me even before I started to identify as frayromantic. I had so much amatonormativity to unlearn before I could arrive at this point, so this is my first aro week, but identifying as ace for years, I inevitably met a lot of aros online and saw a lot of aro positivity posts.
Truth be told, from age 14 - 19 I suffered a period of debilitating, very traumatizing emotional abuse that killed my entire social life and my abuser would make sure i couldn't form these bonds when i wanted to. As soon as I got out of that -> covid lockdown. When the pandemic restrictions were lifted I've spent 7 years at that point pretty much socially isolated aside from online contacts. And in the past 3 years I've been busy healing, studying, adulting and picking up the pieces.
It's been almost a decade now in which I didn't have a stable social life (aside from my relatives) and everyone else has always looked at me with this... weird pity for it. I had a lot of anxiety due to being ace as well; because i didn't feel like i could find that close committed relationship i wanted without engaging in sexual activity. People imagined the past decade in my life as me sitting on the couch all day wallowing in self-pity and loneliness, which honestly does such a disservice to all the places I visited, the ways in which i've grown, the art i made and the changes i made. People treated me like I had wasted 10 years of my life and constantly put pressure on me to be more social, to put myself into situations i wasn't comfortable with or to at least get a partner so I won't have to die alone. Dying alone was this terrible horror concept that was pushed onto me as my inevitable fate if i didn't get my shit together. And for the longest time I believed that. I hardly struggled with loneliness, I struggled with this internalized idea that I had failed at life - that i am a failure - if i don't have this many irl friends or a partner.
The aro community was THE FIRST SPACE that helped me dismantle this perspective of seeing the relationships in my life as an extension of myself. The first space that taught me that relationships of any kind aren't these things i have to collect to prove I've led a successful life. The first community that turned around and said "You are whole as you are. You are enough. And you don't need anyone else to complete you." And hearing that, to me, was such a wake-up call; it was such a novelty-realization in contrast to all the bullshit i had internalized, that I cried because damn, this was what I needed to hear.
Suddenly the value of my life wasn't defined by the kind of relationships and how many relationships I filled it with. Suddenly I realized that the committed relationship I wanted didn't have to be romantic (or sexual for that matter); hell, I didn't even want it to be. Suddenly I realized the biggest obstacle to enjoying life for me was all the people who told me i wasn't enjoying my life properly. The aro community taught me so much about love, self-worth and independence. And I haven't been active here for long but everyone has been so kind.
The aro community gave me all the hope and positivity that i needed to focus on myself and my life. I still want to form meaningful irl friendships and get a QPR in the future but the pressure is gone to get all of that asap or else my time on this earth is wasted. I have faith that these things will come when I'm ready and when it's the right time and even if they don't, it's not going to be the end of the world. My value as a person and the success of my life is not defined by the people in it and it never will be. Nor will yours. Nor will anyone's.
Some of y'all might be out here asking yourselves "I'm not aro, what does the aromantic community concern me?" So much. Amatonormativity and relationship hierarchy go so much deeper than just the assumption that everyone desires romantic love. The aromantic community can teach us so much and help us unlearn so many things that are ingrained into our system and into our way of thinking. We should be unlearning those things because doing so will take pressure away from all of us, no matter how we identify. The aromantic community should concern you because they're people with their own hopes and dreams who deserve to find happiness in whatever way feels right for them without the world constantly telling them they're doing it wrong.
The aromantic community has made me a more understanding, hopeful, positive and independent person and I can't thank them enough for that. Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week.
🧡💛🤍🩵💙
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Enmeshment
(This isn't really about Good Omens at all, but it's about something I realized about myself because of GO fan discourse so I'm gonna start there.)
I remember when I first started dipping a toe into fandom conversations I saw a lot of people talking about relating to Crowley because they had abandonment trauma. And after reading a bunch of people’s personal reflections on this I remember thinking, “Is there such a thing as an opposite-of-abandonment trauma? Because of all the reasons people cite for identifying with Crowley this is the one I find…not only the least relatable, but the most aggressively the opposite of my inner experience.”
Lo and behold, Google led me to the phrase “enmeshment trauma” in extremely short order and holy shit did it turn a lot of lights on in my head all at once.
The environment I grew up in—both my home environment and the church environment that most often filled the role of "larger community" in my world—was basically an endless pressure cooker of everyone else's wants, needs, demands, and expectations. At home I was a highly parentified child, functioning as the sole source of emotional support for a parent with severe unaddressed mental health issues. At church—well, most people are familiar at least in principle with the intense pressure to conform in fundamentalist communities. (At school, I was the "pleasure to have in class" kid with the undiagnosed anxiety disorder that we've all joked about ad nauseum on the internet at this point.)
I was an extremely lonely kid. The relentless pressure I felt to please everyone and live up to all the expectations piled on me made me feel isolated, like no one really saw or cared about me—just about what they wanted from me. But despite the loneliness, as a young adult I was usually the one giving off mixed signals and pushing other people away. Because of course I was. I associated too much closeness with other people with being controlled and manipulated, with the pressure cooker of demands, with constantly working to please others and having to apologize and placate and fawn whenever I got it wrong, with having my own feelings and needs and boundaries unnoticed and my autonomy stomped all over.
I'm in my late thirties and I'm still working to unlearn this trauma response. I don't have the kinds of close friendships I want. I don't have a romantic relationship, despite wanting one of those too. I still struggle with emotional closeness, in general, because I never had closeness without harmful levels of enmeshment modeled for me growing up. So I'm still trying to learn what that looks like and how one attains it.
But it feels like yet another way that my particular life experiences have given me a particular set of trauma triggers that it's really hard to get people to understand.
...I don't really have a good ending to this, my mind keeps wandering back to the GO discourse and trying to make those connections but I don't really have the strength to get into that right now. I'm gonna be a boring grown-up and go do some laundry instead.
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It's difficult to understate the influence Nanami has had on my life. There have been a lot of stories that have touched me and moved me in my life, but very few have spurred me to meaningful action. I'd argue that the overall story of JJK itself is probably still unlikely to have that effect, but Nanami specifically already has.
When I first started watching the series a couple years, a friend who had already watched the show suggested I'd probably like him best, but I wasn't really expecting much. I don't always connect with (and sometimes actively resist connecting with) characters people expect me to connect with. But when Nanami showed up spitting truths about how both the business world and Jujutsu Society were full of shit, it struck a chord.
I'd been working for too many years in a job that was, in brief, Not Good. Like Nanami during his hiatus from Jujutsu Society, my company was based on making the rich richer with a lack of benefit to much of anyone else... though unlike Nanami, I was working in an industry that claims to benefit everyone, one that should benefit everyone and would theoretically be missed if it were gone, except that those who need it most often can't make use of it to begin with.
Like Nanami, I was often pulling crazy hours to get work done. This was particularly bad from October through January, leading to fights with family about whether I'd be attending holiday gatherings and a great deal of (justified) concern from a few loved ones about my well-being during the season. Unlike Nanami, I wasn't making bank for doing this; I was salaried, but all that meant was they didn't have to pay me more than lowest-end middle-class wages while still forcing me into overtime.
It was a job that was going to put me in the ground sooner rather than later, and for what? No benefit to me or to those one should look after in society. Just lining the pockets of those who already had too much money. It was a job I should have quit years ago, but for some reason or another, some legitimate and some less so, hadn't got around to doing yet.
Then I watched JJK. And read JJK. I saw Nanami and realized there was a character who "got it," and an author behind the character who "got it."
I got a Nanami sticker that I placed on my phone case to remind myself of important things. That work is shit. That the 9-5 grind to make money for those who already have it is worthless and there's far more nobility in the simple jobs that provide us with food and cleanliness even though those jobs pay pennies. That there's no point in draining one's self needlessly for a worthless, crap job.
I started working on a Nanami cosplay. I'd wanted to do cosplay for a long time, but rarely had the money and never made time for it. I still didn't have a lot of money, but Nanami's costume can mostly be purchased cheaply at second-hand stores and I'm clever enough with cheap supplies that I figured I could make his cleaver.
Most importantly, I started looking for a new job in earnest. I told myself there was no way in hell I was going through another round of feeling trapped and hopeless at my job from October through January, especially when my attempts to get help from my boss resulted in a bunch of good words and no actual help.
It worked.
I have no illusions that my new company isn't shit; it is still part of a very broken system and thus is, at best, shit in somewhat different ways. But the pay is better and the work load is more realistic, and again like Nanami, I'm somewhat better suited to it. And while it may not provide me with the opportunity to do things that have the kind of meaning being a Jujutsu Sorcerer might provide, at least for once I have both the time and the energy to do more meaningful things outside of work.
It's still a work in progress. It takes time to unlearn over a decade of bowing one's head to just try to get through and survive. Like many elder Millennials, I have no illusions I'll be able to retire or own property; I'd have needed to be making what I make now ten years ago, at least.
But I have a bit more freedom and peace in my life, and I can use at least some of that to do the things that feed my soul and make life worth living.
So as I wrap up my own personal Nanami Appreciation Week, I want to say thank you, Nanami, for being a symbol for the small ways we can seek our own peace in a world that seems determined to take it from us. It may not all be blue skies and sea breezes, but my life is still markedly improved because of your example. And thank you, Akutami, for writing a character that so many find so relatable, and helping us all feel seen. I saw so very many Nanami cosplayers my first year cosplaying as him, and I know most if not all of them "get it," too. We are not alone.
Even if the rest of the story falls flat for me, Nanami will still shine brightly as an icon of undying hope in a world that often seems all too dark, and for that I will forever be grateful.
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do you think roy always knew he was into men or was he repressed until he realized he was into jamie?
oh anon. i started to answer this, then got inspired and started writing a fic in answer to it instead, then the fic turned into a bigger fic that's going to take me months to finish so i think it's best if i just answer the question. 😅
so thanks for asking, anon, i DO have some thoughts!!!! they are scattered and messy but i'll give it a go.
i don't know that roy has always known he's into men, but i think he's known quite a while. maybe not when he was younger - he might have known in the back of his mind that he liked boys, but he knew he wasn't gay because he definitely liked women, so that's that, no need to think about it past that, it's squared away. even if intellectually he knew about the existence of bisexual people growing up, he wouldn't have considered it an option for himself (and to be honest, i don't think it's a given that he did know it was really a thing. it was the 90s. bisexuality wasn't widely talked about. if you liked men, you were gay, and roy wasn't gay).
roy was born in 1982; he was in the academy and going through puberty and trying to figure out who he was in the 90s. things were not great for us in the 80s and 90s. i'm 8 years younger than roy kent would be, and the way i learned about the existence of gay people was aids and the rhetoric surrounding aids. and that was formative for me; it provided the only frame of reference i had as a kid of what gay people were. that was how i internalized that my queerness—the queerness i couldn't even articulate or understand—made me sick, dangerous, unclean. obviously that's not a universal experience, but it's also not a particularly uncommon one for our generation, and it takes a shit ton of work to unlearn. it would have been worse at roy's age, and i can see it being something that would shape his perception of what it means to be a queer man.
listening to roy talk about himself is fucking devastating and so telling. "sometimes i get concerned that i've been infecting you with the worst parts of me," he tells phoebe. infecting is a pretty loaded word, and it speaks to the deeply rooted shame that roy carries at the very core of his identity. we see over and over throughout the show that there's something about roy that he seems to truly believe is...rotten, repulsive. unlovable, maybe. a lot of people read roy as completely lacking self-awareness, and i get where that comes from, but i don't really read him that way. i think roy's sometimes plagued with self-awareness when he doesn't want to look, and he loathes the things he sees. he knows how he is. he knows the parts he hates about himself. and i think his queerness plays right into that.
ted lasso is, among other things, a show about masculinity, and roy's character arc throughout the show is, among other things, an arc about masculinity, so i think it only makes sense that his sexuality is tied up in that. because in his world, what could be more fundamental to your masculinity than heterosexuality? there's a shit ton of homophobia in football, and it certainly wouldn't have been any better during roy's formative years.
there's a lot you could say about La Locker Room Aux Folles and roy kent's sexuality, and i won't because this is already stupid long, but seriously, have you watched 3x09 while considering that the episode is about roy's repression as much as it is colin's? that it might be colin's coming out episode, but it's roy that functions as the episode's protagonist? that the message colin understands at the end when george hearn croons "i am what i am" is one roy can't let himself embrace by the end of the episode, not even by the end of the season ("i'm still...me"/"wait, did you want to be someone else?"/"yeah. someone better")? that colin may have escaped la cage by the end of the episode but roy's still in there?
the last thing that roy kent wants is to be what he is, and that kind of fundamental, foundational shame reads as very queer to me, feels very queer to me.
so, anyway, i do headcanon that roy sleeps with guys sometimes, at least by the time he gets to chelsea. i don't think it's particularly frequent and i don't think it's particularly healthy and i don't think he lets himself develop anything like a genuine connection, but i think it's what he's allowed himself. i think that's basically where he starts the show, occasionally sleeping with men, refusing to acknowledge it says anything about him. (i could also see him not having fucked a guy, although i like that less. regardless, i do think he recognizes he's attracted to men, even if he doesn't necessarily accept it.)
i definitely think that, when they finally get together, jamie would be his first boyfriend.
anyway, dear anon, you didn't ask for a 1000-word response to your 20-word question, but thank you for coming to my ridiculously rambling and likely incoherent TED talk about roy kent's internalized homophobia 😂
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Re:zéro asks!
What do you think would be the most interesting/hilarious crossover Subaru could stumble into. Either pre-canon or canon (or maybe even IF story), because he gets into situations, regardless of the timeline.
What ships do you like?
Do you ship rezero characters with characters of other series? If you do which ones?
And lastly, do you think Subaru deserves à vacation?
I don’t really do/think about crossovers so much unless I get particularly inspired for some reason—I’ve had some AU thoughts about Re:Zero but I’ve never really bothered considering crossovers for it. Subaru is a difficult character to transpose out of his setting & original plot without doing a LOT of work vis a vis how you manage his character arc. Though actually precisely bc of that maybe the most interesting crossover to me would be if canon Subaru got a glimpse of himself if he had been dropped in a more traditional isekai (I don’t know nearly enough about classic isekai to pick one though) and the kind of person he would’ve become if he was just handed a bunch of awesome powers and people who think he’s cool without ever being called on his shit (the absolute worst version of himself). Relatedly, to your third question, nah I p much never ship characters outside their franchise. Even if they don't directly interact I need them to at least exist in the same/similar enough context or interact with some of the same people in order to get the shipping tickle in my brain. Again unless something particularly inspires a crossover idea, but even then, I will at most do like, bullet point ideas that are mostly meant to be funny to me. I almost never read crossover fic and I’ve never written it.
On ships in general… okay look. I am a) multishipper galore and always one good piece of fanart from being interested in whatever ship idea you want to pitch to me, but b) not primarily into this show for ships and c) at most poking the Re:Zero fandom with a ten foot pole for pretty fanart and usually staying well away from it except to make posts for my own amusement and like six of my friends. I can’t go in the Ao3 tag for it. Every time I do I start wanting to stab things. My current strategy to make re:zero fandom for myself by slowly luring all my friends into watching re:zero is having a shockingly good success rate but yeah the fandom at large is…… holy lack of reading comprehension Batman.
For whatever it’s worth, just as, things I will yell the most about while watching, I am deeply invested in Rem and Subaru in whatever configuration of relationship you want to put them in, I like Rem/Ram because I’m me, and idk that I really know enough about Satella to have Thoughts but I am So Normal about Satella/Subaru Jesus fuck the love love love love love you bit. (NB: I’m anime only with this series so far, please no spoilers.) Emilia/Subaru do make me soft, Subaru and Otto should queerplatonically own a cottage and 37 pets together, and Crusch/Felis are a t4t couple and I shan’t be told otherwise. Actually the ship I’ve probably Thought the most about though is Julius/Subaru. Why did they put in a loop where they speedran an enemies to lovers tragic boyfriends arc. What was that about.
But all of that is secondary to my desire to watch Subaru get the shit beat out of him 😂 which, to your last question—does he DESERVE a vacation? I mean, sure, boy’s been through the biggest boatload of trauma one can imagine and he’s not a bad person even if he’s an asshole with a lot of baggage to unlearn. Do I want him to GET one? Absolutely not, that boy was made in a lab for me to squeeze him like a stress ball
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The grand homestuck oc tournament poll: Round 5 winners and announcements
The winner of block five is ---!!!
Viiveh Telore (Now with new and improved art!)
64.media.tumblr.com
64.media.tumblr.com
Viiveh is a fuchsia blood in an abusive relationship trying to forge his own destiny. He tries to stay positive and is unlearning some classist traits. He goes to the surface and hides his blood color by dressing like a robot. He really loves tech and the mechanics of it, since the seadwellers can mainly only use bug-based tech underwater. He takes the name Vexxin during his hiding. Don't get him started on troll Daft Punk.
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and our winner of block two is-!!!!
?????? Achlys
64.media.tumblr.com
64.media.tumblr.com
19 yo Mage of Void hemoanon, Achlys is a air-headed party girl who likes to take it easy, life is definitely too short to be worried about every little thing. She's quite friendly for a troll and always knows what to say to please people. She changes quadrants pretty often.
However when SGRUB begins she seems to know just where to look to learn all the rules and easily makes herself the leader before anyone notices. Not to mention her fake lusus and dreamself that seems to be puppeted by horrorterrors…
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Now for announcements, we are heading into our- wait, authorities are reporting that one of our officals has been found within a closet, we are now aware that tournament staff have been under mind control for multiple months thus we unfortunetly must disqualify Achlys. We managed to get a quick interview with our former contestent, haveing only this to say.
"teehee oops"
"if they ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of tits, I was also an incredibly pair of legs"
(for reals though, @lazy-tentacles has decided to pull out of the tournament, please go find them, give them all the love they deserve and ask them excessivly about their charecters, this is a direct orders and if i find out you are not complying then im stealing shit from your house, got it? I want to thank them for being a fantastical sport about all of this and for remaining till the end for this.)
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With this new information we will now declare the Vary First winner of the Grand Homestuck Oc popularity contest!
congratulations @eldritchdraaks and their oc Viiveh!
for all of our other contestants, im insanely happy, im overwhelmed, im overjoyed, thank you for being so kind to each other, thank you for hyping up everyone, thank you for sticking through 5 weeks worth of competition, hopefully next time I do this, we can have more contestants, better rules, More Hype for all of the specials lil guys that you have to share with the lot of us! thank you and goodbye for now!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!
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Wrong On The Money (46)
part 46 of ?? | 790 words | Teen+
Blackmail fic on Ao3 | on tumblr
Summary:
Nothing can ruin Steve’s mood this week.
46.
Nothing can ruin Steve’s mood this week.
So they haven’t exactly defined their relationship yet, so what? It’s so easy to fall asleep in the safety of Eddie’s arms that Steve feels more rested than he has in years. He’s started wearing chapstick again to combat what all of their making out is doing to his lips, prompting Eddie to kiss him even more—to steal some, he always claims with a devil-may-care smirk. It’s becoming an inside joke.
They have inside jokes. Steve feels giddy from it, from everything. He keeps expecting Eddie to tell him to slow down, that he’s too eager or needy, too much. But if anything Eddie acts like he’s waiting for Steve to tell him the same thing, which is. . . . It goes against every one of Steve’s knee-jerk expectations, but he’s trying to work on that, to accept that Eddie thinks how he thinks and not how Steve expects him to think.
Case in point: Eddie actually likes him, actually wants him, and they're about to run out of new things they can do without taking off more than their shirts. When other people are around they play it cool, not touching much at all, but Steve can feel Eddie’s eyes follow him. He does the same thing, and he’s glad that Robin hasn’t called him on it yet because on top of not wanting to lie to her, he’s bad at it. Omission is hard enough, and he’s kind of bursting to tell someone about what feels like the first great thing to happen to him in years.
-
Wayne stops him a few days in, right after Eddie has left to get groceries. “You settling in alright, Steve?”
A little surprised that Wayne is asking now, after he’s been living here for a while, Steve nods, “Yeah. Yeah, it’s going great. Thanks again for letting me live here, sir—I mean, Wayne.”
That gets him the usual amused snort that Wayne does whenever he defaults too formal, like it’s an inside joke against Richard and Linda Harrington that only Wayne gets to enjoy. Steve doesn’t know too much about that other than Wayne and his dad went to Hawkins High around the same time . . . which could mean a lot of things.
He’s glad it’s nothing terrible enough for Wayne to not give him a chance in spite of who his parents are, though.
Wayne nods, slow and thoughtful as always. “Good. That’s good. And Eddie’s taken care of the apologizin’ that needed doing?”
Steve goes still, unsure. Had Eddie actually . . . actually told someone? About the blackmail? That's the worst part, the real reason he's avoided pouring his heart out to Robin so far. “Uh. . . .”
“There ain’t much that boy can put past me for long,” Wayne says, interpreting his reaction either correctly or close to it. He leans back against the wall, arms crossed loose across his chest, and it’s such an Eddie move that it almost gives Steve vertigo. (It’s always a bit wild to him when people act like family, like in the movies. Totally outside of his personal experience.)
“I guess not,” Steve says. He doesn’t want to feel on edge around Wayne, mostly doesn’t anymore—but this feels so surreal, he doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know where to put his feet so as to not step on the invisible vines running through the conversation that he knows instinctively must be there.
Don’t be stupid, he tells himself. It’s just Wayne.
“We’re good now,” Steve tells him. “He’s apologized plenty. More than he needs to, even. It’s like, water under the bridge now, really.”
Wayne is still watching him thoughtfully. After a moment he inclines his head, another gesture that reminds Steve of his nephew. “You know, I heard a fair bit about you before this spring. God knows you probably had to unlearn a lot of shit your daddy pressed into you before getting to the point where you saved Eddie’s life. Do you still feel like you’re making up for any of that?”
Face heating up, Steve feels caught out. He nods.
“Then, might I suggest,” Wayne says calmly, “you let him apologize all he feels he needs to, just the same?”
The words send Steve reeling into a different kind of vertigo. He’s still trying to process the sudden reorientation going on in his head as Wayne pushes off the wall, claps him on the shoulder. Says something about heading out to work and don’t let Eddie burn the meatloaf this time.
“Steve?” Wayne adds before he goes. Steve manages to look up in time to catch a rare, understated smile on his weathered face. “You boys are good for each other. I’m glad you’re getting along, son.”
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oof. so… hello.
i know i’m not obligated to explain my absences, but i figured i should anyway because this is actually a long-standing issue i've been dealing with that, god fucking willing, doesn't happen againーbut that is what i told myself three weeks ago before it happened again. basically, because it can sometimes be so common, kinda just want to give a heads up if i ever start acting weird or distant because apparently i've upset some people i didn't mean to.
that stresses me out because, as i've mentioned before, i kind of have this tendency to shut down completely during stressful situations and not speak to anybody, which eventually turns into friends dropping me for a perceived lack of interest (not their fault, my fault). i'm actively trying to break that habit & be okay with vulnerability, so i want to be honest about where i've been and where i could potentially go in the future if this shit happens againーin a few weeks, in a few months, tomorrow... it all just depends, it's not a situation i can control. i'm not trying to ignore people. i just deal with a lot sometimes.
content warnings immediately below the cut but idk maybe just don’t read this if you’re in a bad headspace, or a really good headspace that you don't want ruined. no one should read this, actually. just jump to the last two paragraphs. this is just me explaining i'll hopefully feel okay enough to be back by the weekend.
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cw: alcoholism; cw: domestic abuse; cw: gen. bad mental health
i currently live in a dysfunctional situation with an alcoholic & addict family member as the last person in our family yet to distance themselves/cut them off. reason being is they relapse a lot. like, “an average of at least once every 2-4 months since i was 14” a lot. this is a long-standing problem. they’ve been through quite literally every treatment plan imaginable and nothing has stuck.
i do love this person; the majority of the time they're not relapsing, they’re kind & loving. when it’s good, it’s good. but when it’s bad jesus christ… i gotta level with you and say i've feared for my life a couple times.
they become angry & spiteful when drunk and, as of the last few years, physical. mostly when i try to confiscate things i find because i'm "stealing their property" and it’s therefore, to their drunk mind, justifiable. this is a mindset i’m still trying to unlearn because of course i don’t deserve it—taking a wine bottle away from an alcoholic for their own good isn’t justification for them almost suffocating you in an attempt to get it back, or breaking the lock on your bedroom door—but it’s hard to internalize that sometimes when your brain is beaten down, y’know?
when not being guilted into silence so i don’t “ruin their life more” or get threatened with being removed from the house by police, i’ve pretty much exhausted any sympathy or help i get from the rest of my family. half of them either have my # blocked or don’t answer under the weird assumption my family member is going to… use my phone to contact them? which is something that’s never happened before. the other half kind of just shrug because i’m choosing to say here and am an adult with the ability to leave whenever i want, just like they did.
but i can’t leave—because, like i said, it’s just me now. no one else checks on this person, no one else lives with us, and i’ve already had to call 911 for them multiple times. living with them during a relapse is hell but so is whenever i have to leave the house because if something happens to them or their dog that suddenly becomes my fault. basically, whenever these episodes happen it’s just several days (or weeks) of nonstop stress. but there's nothing else i can really do. i just have to put up with it & ride it out.
-
things have finally calmed down again; apologies were made, talks were had, we cleaned out their stash together... i finally have some breathing room. kind of. i still have no energy to do anything because i've just been in survival mode the last week (& also sick), so hopefully i can be back to writing by this weekend but i really don't know. i'm still paranoid something bad is going to happen so maybe i'm not out of that mindset just yetーi need to decompress a little before i can feel normal again.
thank you for your patience, and for those who have checked on me & especially those who were understanding it was kind of hard for me to have the energy to talk outside of my one or two comfort people. i miss you all very many and hope nothing more for you all to be loved, warm & safe. love you all very many.
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I'm a white genderqueer person living who go to a lower middle class school with mostly black people
I've noticed that due to looking to them like a white woman that most teachers, even black teachers, will treat me nicer than they do the other students
It might be because i'm also very quiet and to myself, but it definitely has to do in part that to them i just look like a white woman.
i hate it! i hate getting special treatment because of societal standards and shit! sure, i benefit from it, but that doesn't mean i WANT it to begin with!! I don't want to be given extra special treatment because i'm pale enough you can see my veins. My black peers deserve the same treatment!
Part of it might be because i'm a genderqueer boy-thing, but most of it is just me feeling like an asshole because of the racist system and shit. It makes me feel more uncomfortable than the social dysphoria does, and that's saying a lot
I apologize for dumping this on you, i didn't know who else to tell this to
I think that's a pretty normal response, especially if you started the process of unpacking racism pretty recently. It can be hard not to feel guilty for benefiting from something that horrible, and it's frustrating to be in a position where you have to acknowledge and unlearn so much as a result of that kind of privilege, having never asked for it in the first place.
I also think that aiming this inward, or at your situation, is kind of counterproductive. The goal isn't for you to be treated worse- it's for others to be treated with the dignity and respect that they deserve. That you exist in closer proximity to it isn't a sin you need to make up for; it's access to power.
And I think there's a tendency, especially in lefist/progressive online spaces, to kind of... loathe the concept of power. Power corrupts, power is used to cause harm, wanting power is immoral and unethical and a sign of something irrevocably sinful inside of you.
But power is neutral, actually! It's a tool, and a resource. Not only is there nothing inherently wrong with having or using power, but many define "justice" itself as (at least in part) the proper use of power.
You have power, and that doesn't make you a bad person. Wallowing in guilt and self-loathing over this position does not help anyone, least of all yourself.
Recognize and learn your power, and start to figure out how you can use it to implement and further justice.
Who will listen to you? Who will take you seriously? Who will back off if you confront them on behalf of others? Who wants your approval enough to go along with what you suggest regardless of how much they agree? Who can you organize?
Use it to help the people you are being treated better than. Use it to gain them more power, too.
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