#was this an excuse for me to gif this gem of a video again

[mypoisonedvine]

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 (part one) | neil lewis x reader

title comes from the song you already know by bombay bicycle club

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | you've been best friends with neil basically your entire life, and secretly in love with him almost as long. will you ever find the courage to tell him the truth?

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 | 10k

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | smut, angst, pining/unrequited love - 18+ only

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 | alcohol consumption, 'kid' as a petname, reader being kind of a femcel, jonathan being kind of mvp??

Neil had asked you to make sure the Thriller section was alphabetized; sometimes you thought he was just giving you tasks to look busy, but then again, you could probably use it since the employees of Gumshoe Video never looked very busy.  You spent most of the day on the couches, watching whatever old bizarre gem Neil put on— sometimes you thought he only had employees other than himself so that he could pay people to sit here and watch this stuff with him.  

But, the point is, you were sorting tapes.  Because everyone needs their VHS thriller movies to be in perfect alphabetical order.

There actually was a customer in the store, for once, so it was better not to be on the couch anyhow.  You hadn’t really noticed him when he came in, but as he wandered around the shelves, he seemed to drift towards you.  

You tried to ignore him when he stopped right beside you— and kneeling to look at the lowest shelf, he towered over you— but when you stood up he got your attention.  

"Need any help, sweetheart?" he asked, leaning in a little too close.  "I'm kind of a movie buff."

He had a frat guy kind of look about him— polo, boat shoes, quaffed blonde hair.  He could be good-looking, you thought, if he didn’t dress like a discount Abercrombie model… and if he didn’t hit on random women at the video store.  "I actually work here," you corrected, barely looking up from your task.  This is why we need uniforms instead of just dressing up to promote specials…

"Oh, really?" he smirked.  "What made you wanna work in a place like this?"

"My best friend owns the place," you explained, "and I'm, you know… kind of a movie buff."

"Right," he said, not seeming convinced.  "You like Kubrick?"

You rolled your eyes so hard you almost choked: Wow, what a deep cut.  But you kept a straight-ish face when you looked at him.  "Yeah, he's pretty good.  Don't care for how he treats his actors, but he was certainly a visionary."

"What are your top five favorite Kubrick movies?"

You knew this guy was a tool, but you were still a bit shocked that he actually had the gall to quiz you.  "Excuse me?" you scoffed incredulously.

"Can you even name five?" he asked, looking horribly proud of himself, and you straightened up as you glared at him.

"You're heterosexual, right?" you asked him, getting a confused nod.  "Can you name five women you've made come?"

Neil watched the guy storm out, Lucien cringed a bit from behind the register— and Jonathan, not seeming as if he had been paying attention at all, kept laying across the couch and tossing a ball up in the air to catch and throw again.

“Okay, that’s gotta be the third this week,” Lucien groaned.  “What are you saying to these guys?”

“Nothing worse than what they’re saying to me,” you assured with a frustrated, sarcastic smile.

“Listen, don’t get me wrong,” Neil began, “that guy totally deserved it— but maybe, you know… work on your demeanor with customers?”

“Wow,” you scoffed as you crossed your arms, “do you think I should smile more, too?”

“Wha— no!” Neil denied.  

“Yes,” Lucien said at the same time, though he changed his answer with an awkward cough and mumble when you both shot him a look.  “No, no— you’re good— you smile too much, even…”

“I don’t mean it like that,” Neil promised.  “But I think half the guys that come here are just coming here to see you!  Nobody even rents movies anymore.”  He groaned a little, dropping his shoulders defeatedly.  “Can’t you… tell them you’ll go out with them if they rent something?”

“What?!” you squeaked. “No!”

“Sales would double,” Lucien nodded.

“No,” you said again.  “I’m not letting you pimp me out to sell tapes, Neil.”

“I just mean— maybe you don’t really go out with them,” he suggested.  “Just… allude to the fact that you’re only interested in guys who…”

He trailed off as he searched around the shelves for a bit, smiling when he snagged a copy of The Maltese Falcon.

“— in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” he grinned, “you know— for example.  Then they rent it to impress you and we make a few bucks.”

“I am only interested in guys who like The Maltese Falcon,” you frowned, snatching the tape away and shoving it back on the shelf.  “But that’s not the point.”

“Maybe you have to be more straightforward, you know,” Jonathan butted in as he sat up, “guys are dumb.”

“Yeah!” Neil agreed a little too easily.

“Just say something about how a massive VHS collection turns you on,” Lucien suggested, and you glared at him.

“Jesus!” you protested, but Neil tried to soothe you a bit.

"C'mon, kid, can't you just… flirt a little?  Get our sales up?"

He'd started calling you kid since you two watched Casablanca together— which was especially stupid as you were both twelve at the time.  At first you complained because he shouldn't be calling you kid with you both being kids; then you complained because neither of you were kids; and then you gave up.  You still punched Lucien for trying to call you that once… you only barely let Neil get away with it anyways.

But you let Neil get away with a lot.  It was a side effect of being secretly, but massively, in love with him.

It had been an issue since middle school— that was when the two of you became such good friends.  Technically, you’d known each other since first grade (where you had shared your crayons, a true test of friendship at the time), and you’d sort of had a crush on him as early as elementary school (mainly because he was the only boy you could stand at the time), but it all kicked into high gear in seventh grade.  That was when you became inseparable, when you got in trouble together, when you stayed up all night watching movies, when you went through all of life’s ups and downs together: you even went to prom together, platonically of course.  

As for your feelings, you’d managed to hide them this long and still be his best friend, even when it sometimes felt like letting him stomp all over your heart without even trying.  Honestly, the only thing harder than being in love with Neil was trying not to be in love with Neil: you adored his sense of humor, his generosity, his sensitivity— and he’d been there for you through the things you couldn’t have imagined surviving alone.  That kinda stuff bonds you to somebody… and when that somebody has the most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen, it’s hard not to fall in love.

“Maybe I would flirt if I knew how,” you offered.  “But I’m not exactly, you know, flirty.”

“How hard could it be?” Jonathan interjected.  “Just, you know—”

You stared in quiet disbelief as Jonathan attempted to push his chest together with his arms.  It wasn’t quite working, of course, and the rest of you watched on as he fumbled around trying to force some cleavage.  “You look like an idiot,” you finally informed him after letting him do it for a minute.

“But is he wrong?” Lucien wondered.

“So, what, you guys really think that if I just went up to customers and—” you pushed your breasts together with your arms, accentuating them significantly in your tank top.

“That would work,” all three men asserted in unison before you could even finish.

“I fucking hate you guys,” you grumbled under your breath as you walked to the back, deciding to take your break in Neil’s office until these guys got their act together.

You never stayed gone for long, though— as idiotic as they could be, your friends were certainly charming.  They won you back with a promise to let you pick what tape to put on, and the four of you ended up laying on the couches watching Roman Holiday.  

When the movie was almost over, you rested your head on Neil’s shoulder; you guys did stuff like that, it was normal for you, but it always made your heart skip anyways.

~

This time, you were all hanging out at Jonathan’s primary workplace: the club.  In fact, it was a much larger crowd than just you and the guys— plenty of your local friends and loyal supporters of Gumshoe Video, all sitting around a big table while someone’s mediocre cover band took the stage.

"So, uh, me and Denise broke up," Neil said suddenly, going back in for another swig of beer right after.

The others offered their mild shock and half-hearted condolences, but you knew it was going to happen— he'd told you before he did it.  You tried to tell him that paying off a waiter to spill water on her was a weird way to prove what he already knew, but you couldn't disagree with his conclusion.  She was definitely difficult, and shockingly judgemental for someone who managed to date a video store owner for this long.

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine,” he promised, “I don’t think anybody’s too surprised, right?”

There was an awkward hesitation among the group as they wondered if they should lie, or just fess up now that he was obviously accurate.  You broke the silence to suggest someone go get another round of drinks for the table, and even though that was pretty much a one-man job, nearly everyone agreed and quickly shuffled off— leaving just you, Neil, and Lucien.

“I guess tonight’s your chance to meet somebody new, don’t you think?” Lucien suggested.  “Get over Denise, you know.”

“I think I’m already over Denise,” Neil decided.

“And if I told you that girl back there,” Lucien returned, pointing with the hand still holding his drink, “has been looking over here at you for the past ten minutes?”

You glanced where Lucien was pointing as well, seeing a girl in a denim mini skirt and massive hoop earrings settle her eyes on Neil before looking away quickly with a lip-gloss lacquered smile.

“I think I need some help getting over Denise,” Neil agreed suddenly, patting Lucien on the back before he left the table.  

You wanted to pout, but you were used to this— he was good-looking, he got a lot of attention from women in places like this… it usually didn’t work out for him, though.  Certainly not never, probably more often than most guys, but… definitely not every time.

You tried not to look over too much, you didn’t want to get caught spying or, even worse, looking a little jealous— but you noticed that every time you looked over at them, Neil was talking.  That was his problem, see: he never fucking shuts up.  Guys, girls, anybody who will listen— if you admit to not knowing about his favorite fifty-year-old spaghetti western or the most recent pre-Code horror comedy he watched, he’ll gladly blab to you about it for ages.  The first time you glanced at them, you saw her giving him doe eyes, laughing at something he said— and the last time, those eyes had glazed over and her laugh seemed more nervous and confused; you smirked to yourself.  He’s still Neil…

“So, um,” you struck up a conversation with Lucien, “what about you?  Anybody here catching your eye?”

“That’s actually the perfect descriptor of my type,” he replied.  “Anybody.”

You snorted.  “Then you should go, you know, talk to anybody?”

He shrugged and frowned a bit, and it was a simple movement but you understood completely.

The band started to play a new song, something upbeat and energetic, and you smiled.  “Wanna dance with me?”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m drunk enough for that—” Lucien began to protest, but a minute later you were dragging him up by the stage.  Neither of you were actually any good at dancing, mainly you were just kind of jumping and flailing around together, but it was fun and that was the point.

Eventually, more of your friends wandered in to join you; when the song ended, everyone clapped and cheered, the band bowing in gratitude.  You only stole one more look over at Neil and his conversation partner, watching her interrupt his rant with a hand on his shoulder: your throat felt a little dry.  You just hoped what she was saying was more like hey, my friends are leaving, I’ve gotta go and not hey, wanna come over to my place so you can keep explaining German expressionism to me?

Your heart dropped when he reached for her— what if he kissed her now?  What if he wrapped her up under his arm and they walked out together?  What if you had to spend the whole night thinking about him having sex with her?

“Hey, we should ask them if they know any Strokes songs!” Lucien suggested, tugging on your arm to get your attention, but your mind was elsewhere.

“Uh huh, yeah,” you mumbled blankly, and he frowned at you.

“What’s going on?” he asked, trying to look for what you were seeing; but Neil wasn’t reaching for her, he was lifting his hand to wave goodbye as she left.  You beamed, even though you did feel a little bad when you saw Neil’s shoulders sink— it’s not that you wanted him to be alone forever, you were just relieved that you might have a few more moments to breathe before he got with somebody again.

“Nothing, sorry,” you answered Lucien, giving him your attention again.  “What’d you say?”

“We should ask the band if they—”

And immediately, Lucien lost your focus as you couldn’t stop yourself from looking at Neil again— he was already looking at you, seeing you all on the dancefloor.  You waved for him to join you, and he smiled as he made his way towards the stage.  A new song began, even louder than the last, and you could blame that for not hearing Lucien’s question for the second time in a row.

Although he danced with you all for a few moments, Neil draped his arms over your and Lucien’s shoulders, nearly yelling to be heard over the music.

“You guys are coming over tonight for a movie, right?” he presumed.  “Jonathan’s working ‘til late so he’s out, but—”

“Sorry, I’ve gotta be up early,” Lucien explained, “my brother and his wife are visiting, remember?  We’re getting brunch and—”

“Whatever, party pooper,” Neil frowned, before suddenly smiling at you.  “Guess it’s just me and you, huh, kid?”

You tried not to sigh too noticeably through your smile.  “Yeah, me and you…” you agreed.

~

As you groggily blinked your eyes open, you found Neil staring at you, his face uncomfortably close to yours, with a big smile.  “Mornin’, kid,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

You yelped and nearly jumped out of your skin while he laughed.  “Jesus Christ, Neil!” you shouted, kicking off the blanket on you— and then you began to process where you were and why.  “God,” you groaned as you held your head in your hands, while Neil kept laughing at you, “did I fall asleep on the couch again?”

It was sort of a rhetorical question— obviously you had, it would be much stranger if you woke up on the video store couch without having fallen asleep there.  “Yeah,” he said, standing up and sighing a bit, “but you didn’t miss that much of the movie.”

“What happened at the end?” you asked, stretching your legs and snatching the blanket off the floor to fold up; Neil must have put it on you after you dozed off.

“No, we can finish it later,” he decided, walking up to the register, and you groaned.

“Seriously?  Not even falling asleep gets me out of finishing The Man Who Laughs?”

He smiled a little as he started prepping the store for open.  “Nope,” he said proudly, popping his lips on the p sound.

“It’s not that I didn’t like it,” you assured, getting up and trying to ignore the soreness in your back from sleeping on a ratty old sofa all night— you remembered helping Neil carry this thing from where he found it on the side of the road.  Considering you knew where it came from, it was a wonder you ever sat on it, let alone slept on it… but this happened relatively often.  Sometimes it almost felt like you slept easier here or at Neil’s apartment than your own. 

You stood up and stretched your arms, sparing a glance over at him.

“Can I run home and change?” you asked, and he frowned.  

“We open in ten minutes,” he noticed, “you won’t be back in time.”

“Yes, and who will serve the clamoring crowds that await our open outside?” you rolled your eyes, gesturing out the storefront to the abandoned sidewalk.  “You can handle it on your own.”

“Just go to my place,” he shrugged, “it’s closer.  And I think you left some jeans there anyway.”

Right— you’d borrowed a pair of his sweats to get comfy for a movie night, and forgot to take the jeans back when you left.  You yourself had one of Neil’s short-sleeve button-ups at your place, when you’d both changed there for a costume party, but you let him believe it was just lost… it was too late to tell him now that you had it, ‘cause then he might ask why you kept it so long and then he might, somehow, deduce that you had been cuddling it at night from time to time…

“Right, okay,” you nodded, “but I still need a shirt.”

“Just borrow one of mine,” he said, like it was no big deal at all and didn’t make your heart skip.

For a second you wondered if you should protest— if he was still dating Denise, you probably would’ve said something.  But you decided not to say anything, in case he changed his mind; you nearly bolted out of the store and down the two blocks to his apartment.

Your jeans were on the dresser, draped haphazardly in their same just-peeled-off shape you must have left them in last week.  You grumbled to yourself a little about how he could’ve folded them for you so they wouldn’t be wrinkled… but then again, all his jeans were wrinkled, so he clearly didn’t know any better.

And now the fun part: picking a shirt.  You smiled to yourself as you opened the drawer, perusing through t-shirts with old movie posters and semi-witty slogans… cute, sure, but those were pretty similar to what you already wore.  

But the button-downs?  Those were quintessential Neil, and you'd be wasting an opportunity if you didn't put one of those on.

You felt a little giddy as you opened the next drawer down and found them all folded.  The first one you saw had light blue and white stripes, so you snatched it up and slipped it on.

The fit was definitely off, but you let yourself indulge in a fantasy for a moment: waking up here, in Neil's bed… in Neil's arms.  You'd slip on his shirt while you went to find some breakfast, and he'd hum something about how pretty you look in his clothes, and you'd end up tangled in the sheets again not too much later.  

Sighing to yourself, you buttoned the last button, leaving the two at the top undone so you didn't look too formal, and headed back to the store for opening.

Neil stared at you for a second when you walked in— at the shirt, specifically.  You waited for him to say something, but he didn't.  "What, should I not wear this one?" you asked, looking down at it as well, and he shook his head.

"No, no, it's fine— sorry," he mumbled, "just start sorting out last night's returns, please."

You definitely got a much stronger reaction from Jonathan, as soon as he walked in the door.

(Why was he here when he wasn't even working today?  Who knows— he was just always here somehow.)

“Hey!  You look even more like a lesbian than usual,” Jonathan greeted with a peppy fake-smile as he approached you, and you smirked a bit.

“Don’t blame me, it’s his shirt,” you nodded towards Neil.

“See, I told you you dress like a— wait,” Jonathan stopped mid-insult, looking back at you, then at Neil again, then at you; he pointed his fingers at each of you, crossing them back and forth.  “Did… you two…?”

You narrowed your eyes, waiting for him to explain what he meant.

“Did you guys hook up?!” Jonathan accused, wide-eyed.

You felt your face getting warm, and you stammered out your denial; Neil started waving his hands in disagreement as well, but Jonathan was already on a roll.

“Oh my god!” he yelped.  “The one time I miss movie night here and it gets freaky!  Should’ve known better than to leave you two lovebirds alone—”

“Jonathan, we didn’t—” you choked.

“It’s not— it wasn’t—” Neil butted in.  “She just borrowed my shirt!  ‘Cause she— because—”

“I mean, we’ve kinda all been waiting for this to happen— but I never really thought it would,” Jonathan steamrolled along.  “Well, yeah, I guess I thought it would, I just—”

“Wait wait wait, what?” Neil shook his head, stepping up closer to the two of you.  “What does that mean?”

Finally, he seemed to get Jonathan’s attention, who began to nervously backtrack as both of you stared at him.  “W-well, I just mean—” he started.

“And who’s ‘we all’?” Neil noticed.  “This isn’t just you, thinking this?”

“I… I mean,” Jonathan scoffed, “you know— just, just some people… we thought that maybe… that since you two are so close, that you might—”

“Wow,” Neil chuckled, crossing his arms in disappointment.  “You know, that’s so reductive.  For a bunch of progressive, free-thinking hipsters—” he waved his hands as he said it in a mocking way— “you’re really just, like… like… you know, not!  ‘Cause apparently men and women can’t really be friends?”

“No, come on, not like that,” Jonathan denied, “of course we can—”

“I mean, you’re her friend, you’re both single,” Neil noticed, gesturing between the two of you, “why don’t you two, just, you know… hook up!”

You cringed a little as Jonathan tugged at his collar nervously.  “Well, I—”

“Come on, why not?” Neil went on, smiling at the suggestion even though he was clearly unamused.  “I mean, she’s nice, she’s pretty, she’s got a vagina— why don’t you hit on her?”

“Hey, come on, Neil,” Jonathan sighed, “I’m well aware she’s got a vagina—”

“So what’s the problem?” Neil insisted.  “Clearly you can’t just be friends with someone with a vagina—”

“I would really prefer if we didn’t talk about my vagina anymore,” you mumbled nervously.

“— how come you never hit on her, Jonny?” Neil pressed, backing him into a corner metaphorically— but also somewhat literally, he was leaning in and Jonathan was pressing his back more and more against the shelves.

“You really want me to answer that?” Jonathan replied, almost threatening.  That made you furrow your brow a bit.  It seemed like a rhetorical question, Neil trying to prove a point, but you didn’t expect Jonathan to have a literal answer.

“Yeah, sure,” Neil decided, “enlighten us.”

Neil glanced at you, like you were just as gung-ho about this interrogation, but you were feeling a little sick.  You understood the spirit of Neil’s argument— and technically, you agreed with him— but it still stung to see him so incensed at the suggestion of you two together.  You were trying not to take it personally, it wasn’t like he was disgusted by you or anything… he even said just now that you were pretty, and he’d told you that before, but… it still bothered you a little, for reasons you couldn’t quite describe and that you were sure were illogical.

“I never hit on her,” Jonathan answered, lowering his voice, “because I… I figured it would piss you off.”

That seemed to surprise you both, maybe for different reasons; you bit your lip to suppress a smile.  Did Jonathan really think Neil was that protective over you?  “Why would it piss me off?” Neil wondered, but he sounded a little defensive— defensive in a caught-red-handed sort of way.

“I… I don’t know,” Jonathan shrugged.  “That’s just the vibe I got, okay?  That she’s sorta… off-limits.”

Neil hesitated.  “Well… she’s not,” he decided.  “You’re grown-ups.  Whatever you wanna do is none of my business— as long as you’re not being, you know, creepy or an asshole.”

“Of course,” Jonathan agreed, most of the tension settling as Neil backed up a step.

“Okay, well, ask her out then,” Neil instructed firmly.

“I didn’t say I wanted to!” Jonathan sputtered.

“Neil, Jesus!” you complained simultaneously, and he seemed to relent, shrugging as he walked back to the register.

“Sorry, sorry,” he dismissed, “just letting you know it’s… fine with me!”

You rolled your eyes a bit and looked back at Jonathan.  “Sorry,” you offered him quietly, “he’s… I don’t know.  He gets weird about that.”

“Oh really?” Jonathan scoffed sarcastically.  “Didn’t notice.”

“The real reason you shouldn’t be hitting on me is because we’re coworkers, by the way,” you reminded him.

“Hey, I only work here part-time,” Jonathan noticed, “so I think that means it’s cool as long as we only go out part-time.”

You snorted, but he seemed to get nervous.

“You know I’m kidding, right?” he added quickly, and you nodded with a laugh.

~

"You know, I was thinking— we don't have many events at the store these days,” Neil mumbled around a bite of pretzel, watching you play your turn at Skee Ball.  Normally he would put coins in the machine beside yours and try to beat your score, but the other machine was out of order and you decided to take a relay race approach.  “What if we did, like, I don’t know… maybe a double feature for a couple bucks?”

“Neil, we show movies every night,” you sighed, “and we invite everybody, and ninety-nine percent of the time it’s just some combination of me, you, Jonathan, and Lucien.”

“Yeah, but this time we could do movies that more people like— a little easier to watch,” he suggested, “something that would get new people in the store.”

“New people don’t wanna sit on a musty old couch with strangers,” you reminded him, and he nodded as he chewed and swallowed his next bite.

“You’re right,” he agreed, holding the pretzel out towards you.  “Wanna bite?”

You were trying to get through your skee balls pretty quick, so you just leaned your head over and chomped down on the end of one of the twists while he held it for you.  You hummed in appreciation— it was pretty good, fresher than the last one you guys got here.

Visits to the arcade used to be your thing, back in high school (aside from watching movies, but that was a given).  Then you slowed down with the trips, feeling a little old and out of place surrounded by kids— but the problem was, this place wasn’t filled with kids anymore.  It hadn’t changed much at all since you were both in high school, and that was exactly the issue: it was old, run-down, a bit grimey… kids weren’t coming to arcades anymore anyways, they were all on the Internet apparently.  So, while you and Neil sort of appreciated having the place to yourself, it also broke your heart knowing your old haunt couldn’t hold itself together forever… you two visited not just to recapture some old childhood joys, but to try to do your part to keep the business afloat.  

You pretended to like being here— because you really did want to support the place, and Neil wanted to keep coming back— but it actually made you pretty fucking sad.  Surrounded by all the neon, the noisy pinball machines, the Dig Dug machine that had a fifty-fifty chance of stealing your quarters, the photobooth (you still had some strips from that thing pinned to your wall, some so old that they’d faded from the sunlight that came in your window each day); it all felt sort of eerie now.  You would’ve never known all those years ago how little this place would change, even though you never expected it to— you would’ve never known how little anything would change.  Neil was still by your side, but still so far away… if you could talk to that fourteen-year-old girl now, you would warn her that no amount of time spent running around this place and playing Street Fighter was going to make Neil love her, or you.

But here you were anyways.  “Woo!” you cheered when your final score came through: 50,765.  “Beat that!”

Neil set the pretzel down on the bar-height table (on a pile of napkins, don’t worry, neither of you trusted those tables that much) and brushed the salt off his hands with a scoff.  “Oh please, I can beat that with my eyes closed,” he assured as you crossed your arms.

As he put his quarters in and stepped up to the game, you smiled wide.  “Alright, if you say so.”

You came up behind him and covered his eyes with your hands, making him jump and then laugh.  “What are you doing?”

“Just keeping you honest,” you giggled, holding on tight even when he tried to move his head around so that he could see.  

He did his best, usually struggling to even find where the balls were coming down more than rolling them decently— but after the first three went in the gutter without even scoring, you knew he didn’t stand a chance.  He did score a few times, but when the buzzer went off and he lifted your hands from his eyes, he laughed at the pitiful 1,150 on the board.

“Ohh, that’s too bad,” you winced, “guess you’re just full of it.”

Still holding your hands away from his face, he spun around and twirled under your arms like you were dancing for a moment; it ended with him face-to-face with you, swinging your hands back and forth a bit to force you to twist with him slightly.  “Wanna play Street Fighter next?” he suggested quickly.  “I know I can beat you at that.”

The giddy joy of the moment dropped and shattered; if you thought about it too much, you probably could’ve cried right then.  As pathetic, yet oddly aesthetically pleasing, as it would be to cry in an arcade, you swallowed down the emotion and smiled back at him.  “Yeah, okay,” you agreed.

~

You’d been a little antsy all day— Neil seemed to notice, asking a couple times if you were okay, but you just nodded and shrugged it off.  He had a sense for when you were lying; but that’s the thing, you weren’t lying, really.  You just weren’t sure what to say.  You weren’t sure if you should say anything.  And yet, you felt a little guilty not telling him everything that was going on with you— not just guilty, but plain weird.  Because you usually did tell him everything— except, you know, the thing— but you didn’t know if you should talk about this.  Not that you couldn’t— but should you?

So you were sort of gnawing on your lip most of the day, keeping yourself busy with tallying late fees behind the desk, trying to keep conversation light and meaningless: thankfully, in that regard, Jonathan and Lucien made it pretty easy.

“Okay: fuck, marry, kill,” Jonathan began, “Dracula, the Mummy, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

“Dude, I can’t answer that,” Lucien refused.

“Okay, then Neil, what would you do?” Jonathan changed his target.

“Um, well,” Neil pondered, “I think I’d have to kill Dracula— spare the world from that evil, you know— and I guess I’d marry the Mummy—”

“Freud would like to have a word,” Lucien butted in.

“And I’d fuck the Creature from the Black Lagoon,” he concluded, “out of morbid curiosity.”

You snorted, but didn’t look up from your clipboard.  “You come up with one that Lucien will do,” Jonathan challenged Neil.

“Alright, uhh, let’s see…” Neil stalled as he thought, looking up at the ceiling and stroking his chin dramatically.  “Fuck, marry, kill: Sarah Carter, Ripley, and Trinity from Matrix.”

“Okay, see, that’s a real challenge,” Lucien affirmed.  “If I marry Trinity, do I have to live in the post-apocalyptic wasteland or can she live here?”

“You’d have to live in the Matrix,” Jonathan announced, like it was obvious.

“Hm,” Lucien pondered, “do I know it’s a false reality?  Does she know?”

“She knows, you don’t,” Neil decided.

“Is she gonna tell me?  What if she has another guy on the side in the real world?”

“Okay, you’re overthinking this,” Jonathan groaned.

“And is this the Sarah Carter that’s already had John?  ‘Cause if not, I can’t kill her, or the human revolution stands no chance— but if she has him, I can’t marry her, ‘cause I’m not ready to be a stepfather—”

“You’re useless,” Jonathan informed him flatly.

“Well, it’s easy then,” you offered, still tallying fees on the printed table.  “You fuck Carter, marry Ripley and kill Trinity.”

“Yeah, I guess that works,” Lucien shrugged.

“If you’re so good at this game, you should play,” Jonathan decided.  You looked up from your work for once, finding Lucien looking excited at the idea and Neil looking a little nervous but intrigued.

“I’ve got one for you,” Lucien decided, looking concerningly smug.  “Fuck, marry, kill: the three of us.”

Jonathan let out a giddy ��ooh’ and Neil raised his eyebrows.  “Oh— I don’t know— that’s too weird,” you shook your head, “it’s different, you’re real—”

“Wait, wait,” Neil interrupted, “now I wanna know.”

You froze for a second, wondering if you should double down on not participating, or if you should tell him the first thing that popped in your head: am I allowed to do all three to you?

Instead, you set the clipboard down and crossed your legs, and the men seemed to straighten up as they prepared for your answer.  “Alright,” you said, looking at them for a lingering moment before sighing.  “I think I’d fuck Jonathan, and then kill myself.”

“Yes,” Jonathan hissed, shaking his fist triumphantly.

“Dude, really?” Lucien snapped at him.  “That didn’t sound like a compliment to me.”

“Don’t care, I stopped listening after ‘fuck Jonathan’,” he replied.  “Alright, Neil, you’re gonna have to make good on that ‘she’s not off-limits’ promise you made to me—”

But Neil wasn’t listening to Jonathan, he was still looking at you.  “Wait— you wouldn’t marry me?” Neil interrupted, putting a hand on the desk and leaning in a bit closer— he looked half-amused and half-offended, and your heart skipped a beat.

“Um…” you started to wonder how to defend yourself from that.  What did he expect you to say?  Yes, I’d marry you, I’ve actually been planning our wedding since junior year.

“Hold on,” Lucien stopped you, “if she fucks you and marries you, that means I’m getting killed!”

“Yeah, so?” Jonathan smirked.

“What, you don’t think I’m marriage material?” Neil laughed… but he didn’t seem like he was really joking, per se.  He didn’t seem serious either, of course, but you decided to take his question seriously since he’d dared to ask it twice.

“Well,” you mumbled, “no.  I don’t.”

Then he seemed a bit more serious, adjusting his posture a bit.  “Why not?”

“I mean… you’re my best friend,” you reminded him, “but… you’re not reliable.”

He nodded, pursing his lips together.

“You’re not ready for marriage,” you continued.  “I mean, I think you’re just as sure of that as I am.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“And honestly?  You’re a great friend and all, but… if you were my husband, I don’t think I could really… you know, trust you…”

The silence seemed a little heavy— all the men were sort of frozen for a second, you wondered if you should wave your arm around to make sure time hadn’t stopped.  But they did move, Neil first in fact, as he stopped leaning on the counter and nodded a little.

“I’m just surprised that you didn’t fuck Dracula,” Jonathan said to Neil in an attempt to cut the tension, “considering your massive man-crush on Bela Lugosi.”

“Hey, that reminds me, tonight’s movie is Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla,” Neil announced, apparently shaking off whatever odd energy he’d picked up just before, “you in?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jonathan nodded, “should I bring drinks?”

“Uhh, yeah, why not?” Neil agreed. 

“Is a six-pack enough?”

"Uh, maybe…” Neil considered, turning over his shoulder to look at you.  “Kid, how many beers are you gonna want?”

You swallowed nervously.  “Um, I… well, I’m not coming.  I’ve got a date, actually.”

Of course it was just assumed that you would be there; you felt a little guilty admitting you wouldn’t, to the point that you almost considered just skipping said date and staying to avoid the awkwardness.

“Hey, great!” Jonathan said proudly, throwing his arms out wide.

“A date, huh?” Neil noticed, looking happily surprised.  “Sorry, I— I didn’t know— you didn’t say anything—”

“No, it’s cool,” you shook your head, “it’s kind of a last minute thing… you know how they’re showing Rope at the Palace tonight?  I met this, um, this guy the other day and we got to talking, and I asked him if he’d wanna come with me.”

“Rope, wow, that’s a great first date movie,” Neil nodded approvingly, “that sounds perfect.”

“Yeah— he hasn’t seen it, actually,” you admitted, smiling nervously, “so I guess how much he likes it will kinda be a good judge of if he’s worth going out again, right?”

Jonathan nodded approvingly, but Neil seemed skeptical.  "Well, the showing isn't until nine— you can at least hang out until the movie starts, right?"

"I've gotta get home and get changed!" you explained 

"You can't wear that to a date?" Julien wondered.

"No!" you scoffed, looking down at your ripped jeans and Dracula t-shirt.  "Besides, I have this whole plan of what I'm gonna wear— remember when we did Bonnie and Clyde for Halloween?"

Neil was Bonnie and you were Clyde, in fact; he looked shockingly good in that blood-red lipstick, you tried to convince him to wear it again but he insisted it was a one-night-only situation.  

"I figure if I wear my Clyde suit, I'll look kinda like James Stewart!"

"You're doing drag on a first date?" Lucien pressed, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, lighten up, I'm just dressing up for the movie— I'll still, you know, try to look pretty," you assured.  "What, I don't look good in a suit?  'Cause I got a lot of compliments on Halloween—"

"No, hey, go for it," Jonathan decided, "it's festive!"

"I think it's cool," Neil agreed.  "Have fun, alright?  And if he creeps you out or something, call the store number and I'll come get you."

"I'm not really worried about—"

"You know? Just call the store when you get home," Neil decided, "so I'll know you didn't get murdered."

"Dude, chill," you groaned.  "We're going to the movies, not, I don't know… hiking off-trail in the middle of the night."

You never agreed to call, but you did him one better: you ended up coming back to the video store afterwards, a bit over two hours later.  Of course, the guys were still on the couch— apparently the movie was over but they were watching anime (undoubtedly something Jonathan had brought as a palate cleanser after the movie).

They all looked over at you when you came in the front door and the little bell rang; they seemed excited to see you, and presumably to interrogate you about the date.  You sighed, knowing you couldn't have expected anything else, but you'd come here hoping they'd let you watch something with them so you could stop thinking about the date.

“How’d it go, hot stuff?” Jonathan purred, and you rolled your eyes as Lucien wolf-whistled.

“Oh yeah, it was awesome, best first date ever— I’m at his place having sex with him right now,” you frowned as you tossed your purse down onto the couch, and Lucien chuckled while Neil looked a little defeated.  

“Not that great, huh?” Neil noticed.

“Was he a creep?” Jonathan assumed.

“Did he think the movie was bad?” Lucien pressed.

“No, no, he was great,” you sighed, “he loved the movie.  We talked about it for a bit afterwards and he seemed to really understand it.”

“Okay!  That’s good, right?” Jonathan said optimistically.

“Yeah— so good that I asked him when we could do this again,” you recalled, “and he said that he didn’t wanna lead me on and he wasn’t interested in seeing me.”

“What?!” Jonathan yelped, while Neil winced a little.

“He said I was really cool and funny and easy to talk to,” you explained, “but that he didn’t feel any chemistry.”

“Chemistry?” Lucien repeated, confused.

“He means he’s not attracted to me,” you clarified.

“What?” Jonathan scoffed again.  “Why not?”

“I don’t know!” you whined, but you did know.  “I think I’m just, like, friend material.  I’m just ‘one of the guys’, you know?  Not somebody you actually wanna be with.”

“But isn’t that what every guy wants?  To date somebody who’s just ‘one of the guys’?” Lucien noticed, and then paused when everyone gave him an inquisitive look. “That sounded way less gay in my head.  You get what I mean, right?”

“As much as I would love to never let you live that down,” Jonathan smirked, “you’re not wrong— like, a chick who can hang.  That’s the best.”

“Well, here I am!  Hanging!” you snapped.  “Where’s my harem of suitors just desperate to date one of the guys?!”

“I mean, you are wearing a suit…” Neil noticed, getting a little defensive when you groaned and dropped your head back.  “No, no, you look cool!  I mean, you look really great.  I’m not sure what he wasn’t seeing.”

"Maybe he's got a girlfriend!" Jonathan suggested.  "And he was gonna cheat but he chickened out."

"Maybe he's intimidated by strong women," Lucien added, sounding more like he was quoting a Cosmo than actually thinking that.

"Respectfully, guys aren't that complicated," you assured.  "If he wanted me, he would.  He doesn't.  It's not that deep."

Neil looked away when you said that.

"Well, come take a seat on the losers couch," Jonathan offered, but Neil sitting next to him frowned.

"You think I'm a loser?" Neil protested.

"No, I was talking about that couch," Jonathan said as he pointed to the other one which Lucien was on.

"I'm not even offended," Lucien decided, patting the spot next to him.  "I'd rather be a loser with you than a winner with anybody else."

You smiled and plopped down next to him, pulling your legs up on the old sofa and finding the best angle to see the TV from.  "Okay, catch me up," you requested, bracing for the barrage of borderline nonsensical exposition about whatever obscure anime Jonathan was forcing on the group this time.

~

Since the store closed at eight on Tuesdays, you and Neil decided to go out for a late dinner after locking up— the nearest place you usually walked to was a little hole-in-the-wall dishing out Thai fusion, and even though there were open tables inside, you took your paper boxes outside to eat together on a bench.

You each sat up on it with your legs crossed, facing each other, while he poked at his fried rice with his fork and you stirred your noodles with the chopsticks.

“The Palace is still doing their Hitchcock screenings on Sundays,” you recalled, “I think the next one is Rear Window.  We could make Lucien man the store and go see it together?”

“Yeah, let’s do it,” he smiled.  “But we gotta sneak in the candy, that place is getting so overpriced…”

“Well, that’s a given,” you laughed.  “When I went on my date there I had Sour Patch Kids in my bag, but I was kinda craving Reese’s by the time the movie started.

"That guy sounded like an ass, by the way," Neil announced with a frown.

"Oh, no, it's fine," you dismissed.  "He was really nice, even when he blew me off, and I… I guess I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere, anyways.”

“Really?” Neil scoffed.  “Then why’d you ask him out?”

Just in case.  “I… I guess I’m trying to put myself out there more?”

“Huh?  You’re trying to put out more?” Neil joked.

You rolled your eyes and unfolded your legs to kick him playfully.  “You know what I mean,” you groaned.

“Yeah, yeah,” he admitted, “and I support it.  It’s sort of insane that you’re still single.”

“Wow, thanks for the pep talk,” you rolled your eyes before shoving a thick swirl of spicy-sweet noodles in your mouth.

“No!  I mean, like, I can’t believe you’re single,” he clarified, and you smiled somewhat awkwardly while chewing your mouthful.  “You’re smart and fun and cool and pretty—”

Thanks to the food in your mouth, you didn’t have to worry about coming up with a way to respond to that, so you just shrugged.

“Seriously!” he insisted.  “I mean, guys hit on you at the store— I wish somebody who actually deserved your attention would walk in that place.”

The guy I want is already there every day.  Swallowing, you finally got a chance to talk to him again.  “Thanks,” you sighed, “it’s fine, though.  I mean, I’ve been single this long— I think I’ll survive.”

“Keep waiting for the right one, okay?” he encouraged, and your heart swelled.

“I will,” you promised, sounding more wistful than you meant to.

After a brief lull in the conversation, he cleared his throat and continued.  “Hey, um, while we’re on the topic of Sunday, about the whole fuck-marry-kill thing—”

“I’m sorry,” you offered right away, “I shouldn’t have answered that.  I wasn’t being serious, obviously.”

“No, I wanted to apologize,” he returned, “I shouldn’t have pressed you on your answer.  It was funny.  And it wasn’t like you could say you were gonna kill one of us.”

You snorted.  “Yeah, that one was probably the worst of the three.”

“But I shouldn’t have asked you about what you would’ve done to me,” he shook his head, “I was making it weird.  So, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you assured.  “Did you really expect me to say I would marry you?”

“No,” he admitted, “I thought you’d say you’d fuck me, marry Lucien and kill Jonathan.”

“What?” you scoffed, though you were still smiling.  “Why?”

“Well, Lucien would definitely make the best husband of the three of us,” he explained, “and Jonathan was the only one who wouldn’t have gotten butthurt about you saying you’d kill him.  He probably would’ve just asked you to give him a nice send-off, y’know…”

You nodded in agreement, wondering if he was going to address the obviously missing third piece of all this… he sure was staring down into his empty fried rice container with intense focus…

“And, you know, as for me,” he began sort of thinly, “I, um… I guess I just figured, you know, you’re the most comfortable with me.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, “obviously, but maybe that would make it worse?  Like, at least with Jonathan, I know that if we ever did hook up or something, it probably wouldn’t mess up our friendship.  ‘Cause we’re friendly and all, but it’s not so serious.  But with you…”

“Uh huh, well, that’s why it’s good it’s just a game,” Neil finished for you, chucking his trash in the nearest can.  “Don’t have to worry about any of that stuff.  Least of all you and I being married.  Talk about a disaster.”

You choked on your throat.  “Yeah.  No kidding…”

“Well, anyways,” he sighed, standing up from the bench and stretching for a moment, “wanna come over and see if the game’s still on?”

“Oh, um, I’m just gonna go back to my place,” you decided, throwing away the last couple bites of your food on account of your suddenly-lost appetite.  “Kinda thinking I should get my sleep schedule in order.”

“That’s good,” he nodded, “I respect that.  Have a good night, then, kid.”

“Yeah, you too,” you breathed, waving as he turned and walked off into the night, tucking his hands into his jean pockets.  

You looked down at your lap, taking a deep breath and shutting your eyes for a second.  Did he have to be so sweet just to cut you down like that?  Could he have even known how it would hurt you to say that?

It’s not even like he was wrong, but you were dying to ask him why he was so sure that you and him together would be so bad.  What was wrong with you that he still couldn’t see you that way?

Not interested in this repetitive thought cycle anymore, and being very familiar with where it leads, you got up and started to walk down the street.  You didn’t turn to go to your apartment, though; you kept going until you heard live music— scratchy, whiny guitars and throbbing bass drums— seeping out of the club.  You just needed to be somewhere familiar that wasn’t the video store or home; and, this place conveniently also had liquor.

You slipped inside— hit by a wave of sound as you entered— and took a seat at the bar, half-listening to the band that was playing, pretending to be focused at all on what was going on in the outside world rather than just spiraling into your own thoughts inside your head.

“Hey,” Jonathan nodded at you from the other side of the bar, and you nodded back.  He instantly started looking for Neil— of course he would— and you deflated a bit.  “You here alone?” he noticed.

“Yeah,” you shrugged.

“Wow,” he smirked, “it’s like when Peter Pan’s shadow escaped.”

You should’ve probably been offended by that, but it wasn’t worth denying— and you were more interested in getting liquored up than justifying that you did, in fact, have a life outside of Neil.

And, actually, Peter Pan was a pretty good way to describe Neil, too.  Fear of commitment, leader of freaks and outcasts, daydreamer… all he needed was some green tights.  “What are you drinking tonight?” Jonathan finally asked.

“What pairs well with feeling completely unattractive and unlovable?” you sighed.

“Well, that would be my drink of choice: whiskey,” he smiled, setting a bottle down in front of you.  “I’ll do a shot with you.”

He poured you both a shot, and you timed it to shoot it back together; he, obviously, took it better with you, and you cringed from the acidic flavor.  "Jesus, people really drink this on purpose?" you grumbled.

"Yeah, give it a few minutes," he assured, "it's gonna numb all those stupid emotions."

"I don't have a few minutes," you sighed, "do you have anything more fast-acting?"

"Yeah— a second shot," he joked, but you nodded in agreement.  "Okay, shit, you're not messing around tonight."

"Nope," you agreed, watching him pour just one shot this time.  "You're not doing it with me?"

"I need to pace myself, I'm here 'til two," he explained.

He slid it to you and you contemplated it for a moment, before forcing yourself to get it down as quickly as possible to avoid the burn.  You still grimaced, but recovered quickly.

"Is it working yet?" he wondered.

"I guess," you answered half-heartedly.

“Well, you could always gush to the bartender about all your problems?” he offered, but you just shrugged it off.  “Come on, you wouldn’t be the first tonight.  And since I know you, I might actually be able to help.”

“I don’t think you can help with this one,” you assured.  “This problem has been going on longer than you’ve ever been around.”

“Oh?” he pressed.  “Let me guess… boy troubles?”

“Isn’t it always?” you scoffed, irritated that he saw through you that quickly— apparently your reputation of being horrible with men preceded you.

“But this is just one boy,” he presumed.  “One boy who… conspicuously isn’t here tonight…”

“Is it that obvious?” you wondered with a whine, dropping your head in your hand.

“Well, if you weren’t having any issues with him, you’d be with him,” Jonathan guessed— and it wasn’t bad logic.

“But, like, does everyone know?” you wondered.  “Does everyone but him know that I’m in love with him?  Oh god, Jonathan, you don’t think he knows, do you?”

“Wait— love?” he repeated, and you swallowed thickly as you realized the whiskey had already gotten you to say too much.  “You… you’re…”

“Okay, so I guess not everyone knows,” you mumbled.

“No, yeah, I think you managed to keep that under wraps,” he assured with a nod, eyes getting wider.  “Sheesh.  No, I had no clue.  Now it’s even weirder that you guys aren’t together.”

“Well, he doesn’t love me,” you explained flatly.

“Did he tell you that?”

“No, god no— I mean, he tells me he loves me,” you corrected, “but he doesn’t mean— we just say that, you know, like at the end of phone calls or when one of us is sad.  It’s not, like… we never meant it that way.”

“Right, okay,” Jonathan nodded as he wiped a glass— the way bartenders do when they’re listening to people— but he didn’t seem to understand entirely.  “So, you’re not his type?”

“I don’t think I know what his type is,” you scoffed.  “I haven’t really noticed a pattern, have you?”

“You’d have to have a few more data points to really draw any connection between them,” Jonathan laughed.

“Yeah, fair,” you smiled, “he’s only had… I don’t know, maybe four girlfriends since I’ve known him?  One in high school, for a month— then Eva, they weren’t even really serious, just dating for a while.  And then, uh—”

“Tanisha,” he remembered.

“Right!  I liked her,” you hummed.

“What happened to her again?” he wondered.

“Got back with her ex,” you recalled.

“Wow, that blows,” Jonathan sighed.  

“She told me before she told him,” you admitted.  “She wanted me to tell him for her, actually, but I… I couldn’t do that to him.  But I came over right after, you know, and we ate ice cream from the tub and watched movies ‘til we fell asleep.”

Jonathan made a sort of face, one you couldn’t quite interpret, and you tilted your head as he seemed to mumble to himself.  

“What?” you wondered.

“Nothing, it’s just… he’s kind of an idiot,” Jonathan decided.  “I don’t think he gets how lucky he is.”

You wrinkled your brows together, laughing a bit.  “What do you mean?”

“Look, I’m not saying he’s, like, legally obligated to fall in love with you just because you guys get along so well,” he clarified, “even if that’s what Neil accused me of thinking— I really do think it’s fine for men and women to just be friends.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m just saying… like, how do you have someone who cares about you that much, and you end up dating fucking Denise for almost a year?!”

“Well, nobody knows how he ended up with Denise,” you coughed.  “That was a fucking disaster.”

“I mean, not to be crass, but, uh,” he stumbled a little over his words, “I’m surprised that you coming over after that breakup didn’t turn into a rebound, at least.”

“After eating that much ice cream?” you laughed.  “That would’ve been awful.”

“But really, though,” he insisted.  “I have a hard time believing the thought didn’t even cross his mind…”

“I can’t really be sure that it didn’t,” you admitted, “I’m just saying, nothing happened.”

“I guess he’s just known you too long to go for it with you,” Jonathan shrugged.

“It’s not just that— you know Neil, he’s kind of an adrenaline junkie,” you rolled your eyes, “or at least he thinks he is.  He wants adventure, I guess— and he always talks about us doing spontaneous stuff but it never happens— and I’m just too familiar.  Too comfortable.”

“Yeah, he does kinda have something against stability,” Jonathan agreed, “do you think it’s a divorced parents thing?”

“I don’t know, I stopped analyzing that a long time ago,” you groaned, “and I told myself I would stop trying to be what I thought he wanted, but I think I keep doing it.”

“Well, I know you know him better than anybody,” Jonathan countered, “but I know guys, and that guy… there’s no way he thinks of you as just a friend.”

“Why do you think that?” 

“Because he was fucking lying when he said it wouldn’t piss him off if we hooked up,” he insisted.

“You really won’t let that go, will you?” you grinned.

“Did you see his face?  He couldn’t get the image out of his head!” Jonathan assured confidently.  “And then that whole ‘fuck marry kill’ thing— he started getting nervous, I think.”

“Nervous about what?”

“That something could really happen with us!”

“You really think he would care?” you frowned.

“I swear to— to Ash Williams,” he decided, “that if I walked into that fucking video store, and told him that you and I did whiskey shots and you came back to my place and we did the horizontal tango, he would beat me to death with the register.”

“You swear on Ash Williams?” you repeated with a smirk, knowing that meant more than swearing on any deity would mean.

“Him and his chainsaw hand,” Jonathan assured, putting a hand over his heart to add to the bit, and you giggled.

“Well, I don’t think Neil can pick up the register,” you decided.

“In that case, you let me know the next time you wanna get back at him for something,” he offered with a wink, and you smiled at him sympathetically.

“I know you’re trying to be nice,” you sighed, “but you don’t have to do that.”

“Hey, come on,” he frowned, “I know you’ve got this I’m insecure I’m a weirdo nobody notices me thing, but you can’t actually think it would be some kind of charity work for me to sleep with you—”

“No, I don’t mean that,” you sighed, “I know I could get laid if I wanted to—”

“But you don’t wanna get laid,” he finished for you, “you wanna be loved.”

You sighed again, even harder.  “Yeah,” you nodded.

“I know,” he agreed.  “And you know I love you, but—”

“But not like that,” you took your turn finishing his sentence.

His only reply was raising the bottle of whiskey with a sideways smile, a silent offer to pour another shot— for both of you this time.

“Yes, please,” you hummed, watching him fill the miniature glasses with a sigh.

part 2

#neil lewis x reader #neil lewis smut #watching the detectives #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy smut #you know... eventually #but you have to get to part two for that lol

[hoezier]

Happy 1 year anniversary to "Wasteland, Baby!"

#hozier #hozieredit #andrew hozier byrne #bbelcher #mine* #500 notes #1k #2k #1.5k #10k #was this an excuse for me to gif this gem of a video again? #why yes why do you ask #also IDK what this set is #what is the thematic consistency sahar? #he's pretty that's all i guess #anyways that's all I'm capable of producing today RIP

[picturejasper20]

I'm going to make a response to a SU video made a few years ago by @robobuddies, who goes by "Red Van Buskirk" the video is called "The Steven universe rant." The video was uploaded in 8 Sep in 2017.

Keep the date in mind because is going to become important later.

I going to refer to Red Van Buskirk as "they/them" since they prefer these pronouns and "Red Van" for short.

And don't harass this person in social media! This is supossed to be a response. Nothing else. I'm saying this because i know how things work. So, don't bully them. OK?

I'm not going to make a rebuttal of every single tiny detail because the video is 40 minutes long and the creator of the video sometimes jumps from one point to another and loses focus on what they are talking about:

First they start the video with a Disclaimer: "I'm going to be harsh and hyperbolic for the sake of entertainment".

Now here's my problem: i get sometimes youtube critics want to play a "persona" but sometimes comes off more as an lazy excuse to avoid criticism. This has happened before with Cinema Sins many times. It's not exactly a very good way of starting your video, specially if you want to be considered a profesional or be taken seriously.

Like if i'm going to give my opinion about something, i do it, i don't say "It's just my persona", i want to honest with my mutuals and people who like my content.

They also mention how the SU fandom can't take criticism and sometimes consider everything a personal attack. While i agree this fandom can be a living nightmare, the reason of why we sometimes get so mad is because people who sometimes do these types of rants don't do their research about the show, the video gets millions of views and well..

Which goes to my next point:

-Red Van, you need to do your research.

A huge part of the video they talk about the animation behind the show and mention "Motorcity" as a good example of composition.

Here's the thing: They barely mention which programs the creators use to create these shows or the animation studios which is quite a problem if you are going to talk about animation for half of your video.

"Motorcity is animated with a combination of Flash, Maya and After Effects – with backgrounds and other elements created in Photoshop."

"Created by Chris Prynoski, Motorcity is produced by Robin Red Breast, Inc. (a subsidiary of Titmouse, Inc.) and Disney Television Animation."

Link (X)

Steven universe was animated by two korean studios: Summin and Rough Draft

Link (X)

The programs the crewniverse used to animate Steven universe Link: (X)

They mention how the animators of Steven universe were "lazy" for not making the scene of "Mr.Greg"- Is over, isn't it? More interesting..

Here's the thing.. they wanted to:

This was the original concept but they didn't have time to animate it into the show. They were time restraints to animate it.

Link that talks about the episode Mr.Greg and the animatic: (X)

Now this episode "Mr.Greg" came out in 2016, and Red Van's SU video rant was uploaded in September 2017. That's like an year to find that post.. so why didn't they search for it?

They complain about the writers forgeting about the powers of the characters.. So, i'm just going to leave this right here from a SU reddit AMA:

The writers kinda came up with some powers but they also had a list of what powers they could do.

Now to be fair to Red Van, this AMA was made in way after their video, so i can't blame them for not knowing this detail.

They also mention how the gems don't use their powers to catch Peridot: The issue with this argument is that the gems had no idea how Gem Homeworld technology had changed and Peridot had tons of tricks to get the upper hand. And the gems only fight Peridot two times in season 2 before they catch her in "Catch and Release". That's why they catch her quickly in "Catch and Release" they already know her tricks and catch her by surprise.

"Peridot is coming.And we don't know who or what she'll be coming with. She's a modern gem with modern gem technology that's bound to overpower us." -Garnet Political Power

They also complain about Amethyst not using her shapeshifting powers to catch Peridot.. but later in "Message received" Amethyst shapeshifts into a helicopter to stop Peridot and her robot.. why they don't mention this?

Amethyst also used her shapeshifting powers in other battles (Ocean gem, Steven vs Amethyst).. they brieftly mention this for a second but don't go into much detail in their video.

In one part of their video they talk about the writing..they fail to mention how the process works.

Here's is how it works:

"As some of you know, Steven Universe is a storyboard driven show, meaning a team of storyboard artists are given an outline off of which they write all of the dialogue and storyboard the episode.  The job of the outline, and my job, is to give them the basic framework for the episode - the story."

Link to Ben Levin post (X).

Here's is another one about Ian talking about the writing process: (X)

Now the Ben Levin post about writing is from 11 sep 2015. I think with 10-15 minutes you can find the post. And if i remember correctly it was even in the SU subreddit. And is from the episode "Lion 3"

They also mention Adventure time several times in their rant to compare it to Steven universe.

Now wasn't Adventure Time a storyboard driven show like Steven universe?

Well, yes.

"Each episode of Adventure Time takes about nine months to produce and begins in a writer’s room with series creator Ward, producers Adam Muto and Kent Osborne, and staff writer Jack Pendarvis. From that meeting, they generate a barebones, two-page outline. Those outlines are handed over to one of four storyboard teams who have two weeks to visually outline the episode. “They’re basically directing,” says Osborne. “They’re writing all the jokes, editing the outline, picking all the camera shots… what the episode is going to look like.”

Link

https://www.thedailybeast.com/this-is-how-an-episode-of-cartoon-networks-adventure-time-is-made#:~:text=Each%20episode%20of%20Adventure%20Time,barebones%2C%20two-page%20outline.&text=“They're%20basically%20directing%2C”%20says%20Osborne.

It's also worth of mentioning that Rebecca Sugar worked previously on Adventure time.. i think Red Van doesn't mention this detail in their video.

Rebecca Sugar was nominated for the episodes : "It Came from the Nightosphere" and "Simon and Marcy". She storyboarded " I Remember you" which has one of the most iconic moments in modern western animation. ( People who complain about Steven universe but like Adventure time rarely seem to mention this detail).

Link (X) (Episodes she storyboarded in Adventure time)

There is also one point they just start nitpicking and tearing down the show, which reminds me of Cinema sins, except is not as funny.

Red Van, what you are doing here in this part can be done with any other show and is a very easy thing to do. I could also make a 30 minute rant of MotorCity or tmnt 2012 nitpicking every tiny detail but it's not exactly good criticism.

They later complain about the Steven universe perspective..

I leave this here,is from that same SU AMA reddit i mentioned earlier in the post which explains the Steven's perspective.

Now, i didn't have a problem with the Steven only perspective. In many ways its what makes the story of SU work. We learn about the world as Steven learns. The more Steven grows, the more we learn things aren't as simple as they seemed to be.

Characters sometimes will hold information about X person from Steven, so he's forced to ask other characters about it.

It seems to be suggestive since i only actually started paying attention to it when people brought it up. Like, it wasn't such a big deal for me.

Now i could go on and on with this response but i would like to leave it here.

What do i think of this video? If i was a teacher and a student tried to show me a video like this for my class, i would probably ask the student to make it again. Not because it complains about Steven universe, is just is poorly organized in some parts and lacks proper research.

As someone who likes analyzing media is quite difficult for me to take this rant seriously. It has issues and is like those Cinema sins videos but isn't that funny.

And there's one more thing:

I found this youtube comment in which Red Van admitted that they should have done more research into the show production and animation. At least is good to know they are honest and say they made some mistakes in their video.

The problem is that.. well.. since their Steven universe rant many others have cited their work and their video has 1 million of views... even though it contain a few errors that the creator admitted.

I wouldn't call Red Van a bad person, they actually are nice. However.. Their SU video is a bit misguided and somewhat problematic. But is not the worst thing ever.

#steven universe #animation #rebecca sugar #crewniverse #bad takes #SU youtube #media analysis #western animation #response #long long post

[justcasualasianracism]

This comment section is a goldmine

There’s a video from the Empressive Channel about Nicki Minaj being accused of cultural appropriation when she performed Chun Li on SNL. The general consensus is:

I don’t know any Asians who care!/I’m Asian (from Asia) and I don’t care!

It’s a video game character she’s dressing up as! Not a race!

It’s not appropriation! It’s appreciation!

Nicki can’t appropriate her own culture! She’s Japanese!

But one thing I kept finding was:

But Asians are always appropriating/disrespecting black culture!

There’s a lot to unload there, but let’s focus on this gem which is a lot more specific:

I don’t want to pit POC against each other because that’s counter-productive to any sort of progress. I will however, acknowledge that blackface is still being used in overseas Asian media but I want to give some more context to that because I feel that there’s certain things that are often overlooked and need to be addressed before people jump to conclusions that we’re all anti-black. But first, I wanna point out is that the user who made this comment in this screenshot specifically points at East Asia however, as a SEA, I know it also sadly exists in other regions of Asia too. And hell, blackface isn’t exclusively an Asian phenomenon (have you seen Black Pete during Christmastime in the Netherlands?) but I can’t speak for the rest of the globe. Some of what I’m about to say might apply to other non-Asian societies that practice blackface as a form of entertainment though.

There’s no denying that America has a very terrible history of unjust treatment towards the black community from slavery and segregation all the way to racist characterizations in the media and it doesn’t even stop there. Asia does not share the same past as America simply from the fact that our contact with black people has historically been very minimal, if not, non-existent. Even today, we have very homogeneous Asian societies and consequently, we don’t have exposure to different perspectives, experiences and identities, namely that of an African-American. Additionally, it’s unreasonable to expect each foreign country to have an extensive understanding of American history which blackface is rooted in because the world doesn’t revolve around the US. Hell, it’s not like the US public school system really gives you an in-depth look of other cultures or their histories either. As such, the prominence of blackface all across Asia stems from a lack of awareness and education about the plight of African-Americans. I’m not excusing this practice because it’s undoubtedly insensitive and toxic, but again, I’m just giving you context that is more often than not, glossed over. And that is not to say ALL Asians are ignorant of the connotations of blackface. As an Asian-American who grew up *ding ding ding* America and as a result, have been taught in academia about its historical context, I find blackface extremely offensive. This isn’t just the “exception to the rule” type of thing, there’s many other Asians (some from overseas but many are Asian-American) who think blackface is extremely racist too but I find that people choose to not recognize this about is and instead, are quick to call us the enemy like the user who made this very awful comment about invalidating the Asian-American experience. Why can’t we just work together and be allies though? We need to educate one another and listen to what needs to be said instead of automatically turning against each other within the snap of a finger. This attempt to paint an entire race as anti-black is a very harmful generalization. I’m not here for anti-black sentiments and I’m not here for anti-Asian bs either, but this need to invalidate the Asian-American experience because you’ve seen Asians do something disrespectful to your own culture and therefore we’re all bad is well, extremely detrimental. We shouldn’t be fighting against each other, but we should fight against the injustices of POC together instead.

Now back to "Chun Li:” this came out long ago, but it’s still one of the most recent and biggest forms of casual Asian racism in American pop culture that I can think of. What’s more is that in this age of social media, I’ve seen non-Asians trying to speak on my behalf saying that it’s not appropriation. If not that, it’s other Asians being accepting of it as if they are the sole representative of my race. None of you speak for me. For us who find fault in “Chun Li” as well as other parts of Nicki’s career, we’ve pretty much been silenced because people made the decision to not hear what we have to say. It’s just your everyday, typical reaction to anything that deals with Asian-American issues, that is, it doesn’t matter. Nicki, as talented and as iconic as she is, does not care about us beyond the chopsticks in our hair (what the fuck) and using bastardized forms of different East Asian cultures to look the part of a “Harajuku Barbie” (what the fuck pt 2). That’s not appreciation; it’s a shallow perpetuation of our “otherness.” We’ll touch on that some other time though because that’s going to be a long read.

#necki #blackface #chun li

[melpomenecokr]

﹟ ♡  THIS MONTH IN MUSIC  :  APRIL 2019. 

♡♡♡

This month was surprisingly rich and eventful when musical releases are considered; I had a hard time picking my top five of the month, especially when a lot of great releases trickled in near the end. However, as many character flaws as I have, being indecisive typically isn’t one of them, so without further ado, here are my top five recommendations for the month of April. 

Before we get into it, though, I just want to say I know that I missed last month -- you guys won’t let me hear the end of it, and rightfully so. I won’t make a lot of excuses beyond there was a lot going on with work and in my personal life, but I’ll do my best not to miss another month again. March wasn’t that eventful anyway, though there were a few gems. If you’d still like me to talk about them at a later time, let me know.

Anyway, let’s get started. As always, all links for streaming and purchase will be included in each section. Please support these artists and their great music. 

#005. “THANKS (고맙다)” - DOUBLE SINGLE BY GEMINI (제미나이) RELEASE DATE: 06 APRIL 2019

Now, this may be a little shocking and possibly even upsetting to some of my readers, but I’m actually not entirely all-that-familiar with the whole Gemini situation, even if my younger sister is under their same company. All that went on while I was still in college,and trust me, I had a lot of drama of my own to sort through at the time, but the gist of what I knew before this release was that they were involuntarily put through a survival show where half the group got cut. Through my sister’s experiences, I know a little bit of what it can be like to be in a group; you literally spend every second of your time together and more often than not, the members get really close. The pain that event must have caused them is so tangible with this release, even three years after everything happened as it did, as the twelve of them briefly reunited to release these two songs. 

With that bit of background out of the way, “Thanks (고맙다)” consists of two songs; one with the exact same title and another called “Don’t Wanna Cry (울고 싶지 않아).” Both songs are Future Bass-esque tracks with modulated synth patterns and heavy beat drops, which I think is a unique pairing with such sad and emotional lyrics -- but it works well. In both cases, it really makes the listener feel the strength of their emotions, and it has the potential to generate this sort of bittersweet nostalgic feeling, which I find quite genius on the part of the arrangers and composers of these two songs; and sensibly, the members of Gemini themselves worked on every aspect of these songs together. It shows. 

For specifics, we’ll start with the title track, as it’s the first of the two that appears on the tracklist. “Thanks (고맙다)” is, in my opinion, the lyrically superior of these two tracks, so I’m glad to see it as the title. The chorus is so powerful both lyrically and musically that I got that lump in my throat as I listened, and even as someone who doesn’t know the entirety of their story, I really felt for these boys and all they had been through together, and apart. The general message speaks toward the regret they feel for not better articulating how much they cared for one another while they were together, so they take this time now to thank each other "even after all the waiting, all the longing, and all of our memories.” That’s a truly beautiful message, and I believe it may be encouraging to other groups not to take each other for granted, because you never know what your company will do with you, at the end of the day. 

“Don’t Wanna Cry (울고 싶지 않아),” while not as lyrically solid as its predecessor, is definitely the sadder of the two songs as you may have gathered from the title. The synths are used in a way that support the simple chorus so that the listener can feel more than hear how the events of the survival show have affected them. According to the album description, this song was actually written three years ago, right after the events of the show came to an end -- but they re-recorded and released it now that they have the chance. It definitely shows how their skills as lyricists and artists have progressed; this isn’t a bad song at all, don’t get me wrong, but I almost feel as though “Don’t Wanna Cry (울고 싶지 않아),” should have been first on the tracklist because the way it conveys a simpler, though sadder message. On this track, the members of Gemini are basically telling each other how sad they are to be separated, and how much they wish things could have been different -- but how, in the end, they’ll be strong for one another, and always there for each other, waiting to do anything they can, and for the chance to be together again. It almost seems like a love song, honestly, and I appreciate the emphasis on the vulnerability and the value these boys place on their relationship. It’s definitely something you don’t see a lot of boy groups doing. 

Listen to “Thanks (고맙다)” here and stream the music video here. 

#004. “RUSSIAN DOLL” - STUDIO ALBUM BY COLA RELEASE DATE: 25 APRIL 2019

I feel as though everyone has those artists that they know about and appreciate but don’t heavily “stan” so, ashamedly, some things fly under the radar. That’s Cola for me. I love to see more experimental and bold artists out there, especially male ones, because male artists in the industry tend to repeat and copy the same trends and styles and ideas and it gets stale really quick. But Cola always brings something fresh and new, and that’s what I can really appreciate about his music. I didn’t let “Russian Doll” slip through the cracks for me; as soon as I heard it had come out, I dropped everything and went to listen. And let me tell you, I was far from disappointed. 

As Cola’s fourth full-length album, “Russian Doll” consists of 12 tracks, with one title. As this isn’t an in-depth review of the album, I can’t talk about every song, but I’ll tell you now that all of them are worth your listen. The two I’d like to highlight are “Golden Age” and “Motherfucker,” and of course I have to talk about the title track, “Juice.” 

“Golden Age” is the first song on the tracklist, and I think this was done with incredible purpose. The slow progression of both the lyrics and the music together really sets the mood for the rest of the album, which takes you on this sort of rollercoaster of emotions and sensations. The lyrics are delivered with so much emotion that it can be easy to forget about the accompanying music, but the way the vocals are pushed to the forefront is actually really appropriate for a song like this, in my opinion, and the way the progression is paced sort of primes you for this huge bang that doesn’t actually come within this track itself, but that’s okay. An explosive bridge or a sudden change in tone would have felt weird with a song like this, and I like it as a standalone, but I think it’s supposed to lead you into the album, like the prologue of a story. On top of that, the deeply personal lyrics convey a theme of self-discovery and self-giving love, which is really sweet. As painfully single and alone as I am, this song really made me feel loved for four minutes. 

Remember that “bang” I just mentioned? That’s “Juice.” I was not expecting this energetic pop song right after “Golden Age” just plunged me deep in my feelings, but I think that’s what makes this song an even better experience than just listening to it on its own. As a pop connoisseur, I love everything about this song -- the high and light vocals, the disco-synth beat, the overt sexual innuendos -- it’s great. I can already see future-Melody in her skintight rainbow dress dancing to this in the gay bar after having too many sangrias, and I’m happy for her. I hope she gets juiced, too. 

The last song from this album I’d like to talk about is track seven, “Motherfucker.” And no, I don’t just like this song because I have a potty mouth, though that’s definitely a factor; the fact of the matter is that lyrically, this song is really something special. The lyrics are written and delivered in this short-of-breath kind of way that makes the song feel so simple and yet so passionate, and the way its so in-control of itself as a song is excellent. This song knows exactly what it is and Cola knows exactly what he wants to say, and how to say it. I feel like most will agree with me here, but the lyrics “do you really want me to write a feminist anthem? / I’m happy cooking dinner in the kitchen for my husband” sent me. There’s something so intrinsically feminist about that lyric, because its his choice. It’s not something he, or any person listening, should feel required to do because they hold a ‘submissive’ role in a relationship. But when it’s something you’re happy to do, regardless of what society says? That’s powerful. 

Listen to “Russian Doll” here.

#003. “OLD TOWN ROAD (REMIX)” - SINGLE BY LIL NAS X AND BILLY RAY CYRUS RELEASE DATE: 05 APRIL 2019

I know. Okay? I know. I am risking my credibility as a music journalist by putting this song in what is meant to be a serious review -- but hear me out. I’m more than willing to argue about why this song is unironically good all day long. As Lil Nas X says on the track himself, “Can’t nobody tell me nothin’.” 

The original “Old Town Road” came as 2018 was fading away (good riddance), and though it was pretty popular within the meme community as this fun and entertaining country-trap hybrid, it never really saw real status as a musical release. Lil Nas X was only 19 when he released it to SoundCloud, and as I’ve stated before, SoundCloud is not exactly the place to go if you want to find music of legit quality. Not always, at least. 

But when this remix hit the charts, everything changed. At first I didn’t even bother with it because I had listened to the original and while it served its purpose as a comical and light-hearted guilty-pleasure track, it wasn’t anything I was too invested in. Yet, as I’m sure any of you who have a twitter account are aware, this song was literally everywhere and was climbing the charts faster than anything I had ever seen before, so I gave in and listened. And, by god, this is among very few country songs I can actually enjoy -- and that’s saying a lot, as a country girl by birth. 

So, let’s get into why this song is so, so good. First of all, the arrangement is simple yet so effective, and the beat drop on the aforementioned “Can’t nobody tell me nothin’” chorus is borderline artistic. The way the vocals are synthesized and enhanced gives the song a completely different feel from its original, like something you can actually enjoy without feeling as though your best friend will side-eye you from the corner of the room (that is based on personal experience), and even if he did, you wouldn’t care. Admittedly, this song leaves a lot to be desired lyrically, but the simplistic rhyme scheme and Billy Ray Cyrus’ assertive and very iconic rap bring a joy to my heart that is nearly indescribable. 

My only complaint about this song is that it’s so short. At least one more refrain, or another verse would have been greatly appreciated since it feels like it stops so short, but that’s easily remedied by hitting the replay button. Not all songs have to be deep and thought-provoking to be good, and Lil Nas X deserved his big break with this infectious and spirit-lifting song he and Billy Ray Cyrus have brought us. 

Listen to “Old Town Road (Remix)” here. 

#002. “I LUV U” - SINGLE BY 5OGUE (보그) RELEASE DATE: 19 APRIL 2019

I felt somewhat depressed about missing my chance to review 5ogue’s sixth mini-album, “Mixed 6nals” last month, but as if they read my mind, they released an auxiliary single near the end of their promoting period to give me a second chance. (Side note: if you, my dear readers, are still interested in full a Mixed 6nals review, just let me know. I have a lot to say about that album.) They’ve actually done this before with their fifth mini-album, “Re:Covery” where they released “HXTE U” as a single as a gift to fans. I can only imagine how much work and planning goes into something like that, but 5ogue have shown themselves to be fiercely dedicated to their fans many times before, so I can’t say I’m surprised. 

Anyway, to be honest, I was kind of shocked when I first listened to this song because I thought I wasn’t too fond of it. I’ve stated many times before that I’m extremely picky with songs that have overly-repetitive lyrics because I feel like if they don’t serve a certain purpose, it’s just ear poison, but after my first listen I quickly released just how obsessed with this song I was, even if the word ‘like’ is said over 100 times. 

I don’t think I’m very susceptible to brainwashing, but the chorus went from being a little annoying to being infectious; I genuinely couldn’t stop listening to it because I couldn’t get enough, and the more I listened, the more the song grew on me. The chorus does most of the work for this track, and I think that’s where that ‘purpose’ i mentioned earlier comes in, because the verses are simple but are delivered in a way that center around the chorus and pull the song together perfectly. The message of being so extremely infatuated that it makes them physically and emotionally sick is conveyed in not only the lyrics, but the style and arrangement of the song itself, and that makes it so clever. They don’t glamourize that, either -- they show how unhealthy it is to think of someone that way, even if it can be sickeningly sweet. I love that. I luv that. 

5ogue have pretty much established themselves as the masters of Retro Pop, so the old-school-with-a-new-school twist aspects of this track come as no surprise, but rather as a nice brand that lets you know this is something they’ve created. And even if you’ve never been obsessed with another person to the degree this song expresses, the power vocals and smooth raps draw you in enough to invite you to their world, and to give you a taste of what its like. That’s brilliant to me, and 5ogue really stepped outside of the box with this song.

Listen to “I Luv U” here and stream the music video here.  

#001. “SUPREME” - EXTENDED PLAY BY WICKED! (위키드!) RELEASE DATE: 25 APRIL 2019

This may look like bias because, as many of you probably know, my sister is in this group. But, as many of you probably also know, I don’t really tend to let how much I like or dislike an artist influence my objective reaction to their music, so believe me when I say this album is number one because it’s amazing rather than my familial ties to it. 

Good? Good. 

That out of the way, let’s talk about “Supreme.” This is, by far, Wicked!’s best release to date and I’m not sure if they’ll be able to top it anytime soon. Every song on this mini-album was good, so much so that I struggled to pick which ones to discuss here at first, but after a long period of introspection I have settled on “No” and “Like It,” and of course we should at least briefly cover the other title track, “Kill This Love.” 

This album starts off with a bang, literally, as the heavy drum and trumpets of “Kill This Love” will actively scare the shit out of you if you aren’t expecting them. But, given this song’s disposition and very bold lyrics, I think that was more than intentional, as the girls discuss getting rid of a toxic and superficial love before it becomes something they can’t walk away from. Kimmy’s rap in this song is some of the best I’ve heard from her; the tumble-like flow and high-energy really adds to the overall message of this song -- that they’re strong enough to let go of something for their own good, even if they don’t necessarily want to do it on the surface level. The vocalists really came through on this song as well, and all the members really did their part to make this power anthem the great song that it is. 

Next up is “No,” one of my favourite songs to come out this year so far. This song actually distantly reminds me of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred, with the low synths and dance-pop vibe it gives off, as well as the confident lyrics. Don’t get me wrong, though; these girls outsold those crusty white guys without any question concerning it. The chorus and Future Bass-like arrangement of it are so unique, and fuse with the idea of loving yourself and being confident in the things you like in an unexpected and yet perfect way. The bridge of this song is actually my favourite part, as it makes you just want to strut like a supermodel no matter what you’re doing or wearing. This song makes me feel sexy, independent, and free to do whatever I want, and I think that’s a common sentiment. It’s excellent work. 

Finally, I feel a begrudging need to talk about “Like It” -- and I have to say begrudging because, as fantastic of a song as this is, it’s really weird to hear my little sister sing about sexual sensations. But, we’re both grown women and I can look past that enough to tell you that “Like It” is one of the best songs on this incredible album, second to only “No,” in my opinion. The Dance-pop and R&B combination of this track is beautiful in terms of both its arrangement and how it fits with the sensual lyrics. Speaking of those lyrics, they’re pretty simple aside from the raps, but I think that’s perfect for a song like this because when you get to feeling so strongly about wanting to be with someone, you often can’t think straight. Maybe I’m giving the writers too much credit, but if that was intentional, it’s brilliant. 

Listen to “Supreme” here and stream its music videos here, here and here. 

Well, that’s all for this segment of This Month in Music. Be sure to tell me about your favourite songs of the month in the comments, and start a discussion about any of the points I’ve brought up today. I hope you enjoyed, and I helped you to discover at least one new song you love. ♡ 

#r: multi #s: tmim #a: gemini #a: cola #a: lil nas x #a: 5ogue #a: wicked!

[xialing-gf]

is that supposed to change how i feel? (peter parker x reader)

summary: villains aren’t always as bad as they seem

wc: 2690

peter parker x reader masterlist

“It was not supposed to take you that long to kill them so I had to do it myself and kill you. Do you know how annoying that is? I don’t have time for dumbasses like you, Sophie. You’re supposed to be a trained assassin,” You groaned as you punctuated your frustration with a firm kick at Sophie’s dead body. “I gave you a really simple request and you couldn’t fulfill it in time.”

“Hey, didn’t your parents teach you to treat people with respect?” A voice emerged along with a boy in an obnoxious red and blue spandex suit from his hidden position on the ceiling, and you dodged the sticky webs that shot out of his wrist. He would be too easy to take care of but another annoyance was just another item to add on your ever-growing list of “distractions from actually completing the mission and getting started on your European history homework”.

“My parents died and they didn’t exactly teach me anything useful. Oh wait, they taught me how to do this,” You fired two acid-tipped darts with a simple press of the fake gem on your ring and watched the darts plant themselves next to his feet. The acid began spreading across the wall, and he began crawling away quickly, trying to avoid the rapidly moving acid. You tossed an explosive with 60 seconds on its clock before you escaped through the window with your jet-pack. The boy fired a web at you but you easily avoided it yet again.

The “Boom!” of the building exploding behind you didn’t even cause you to look back to ensure all that was left of it was rubble. Removing your mask from your face behind your hidden rendezvous spot, you hid your gadgets and disguise in your backpack and acted as if you didn’t just blow up a building and murder an assassin. You casually your earbuds in your ears and walked down the street, a light bounce in your step as you bobbed your head along with the beat of the music.

You offered a conservative smile to your next door neighbor as she locked her door and headed down the hall while you turned the key in the lock, twisting your knob. As you pushed open the door and closed it behind you, you shouted, “Hey Nan! I’m back early!” “Back this early? Didn’t you say that you had a book club today?” Your grandma asked as she set down the plate she was cleaning to watch you place your water bottle on the kitchen counter. Of course, your grandma didn’t know what you were doing after school. If she found out, she would surely report you to the police and force you into a situation you would prefer not to be put in.

Luckily, Nan was extremely clueless and had no idea she married a psychopath whose family history was forced to repeat over and over again, resulting in your dad joining the business and meeting your mom. Other kids had sweet stories of how their parents met, and you never wanted to share how your parents met through a murder mission. You would’ve loved to never be involved with villains, aliens, money, and murder except that in your father’s will, he wrote that he hired people to keep an eye on you to make sure you continued the cursed family legacy. If you didn’t you’d suffer from harsher consequences than if you had just ignored his words.

You decided to put on a mask and take on the name Mr. Mercedes in order to keep you and your grandma, who claimed custody of you after your parents’ deaths, safe. The mask you wore altered your voice so you sounded like a man, hence the “Mr”. You were a giant Stephen King fan and one of your favorite books was “Mr. Mercedes” with the main character being a serial killer who was planning to set off a bomb. Setting off bombs to signify your exit was your trademark move so you were quick to claim the name “Mr. Mercedes”.

Being a villain was no excuse to drop school so for the past couple of years, you had been juggling homework and dealing with other villains and heroes. Even if your parents hadn’t been so enthusiastic about the idea of you studying while helping them out, you still insisted on having a proper education. You stooped below the radar of any mainstream superheroes and occasionally dealt with nosy policemen. Your goal wasn’t world domination or taking over New York, you simply wanted to take care of people’s problems in a violent way. People came to you to ask you to help them disappear or to murder somebody, or even just to buy homemade gadgets. It was more of a business for you rather than a hobby you took pleasure in doing.

“Yep, turns out the discussion director had cheer practice so we were let home early. I’ll be in my room if you need me!” You called as you walked into your room and locked your door behind you. Opening your laptop, you typed in your password and searched up, “Spider-boy hero”. Encountering small superheroes wasn’t uncommon but it was always better to get rid of them before they became a bigger problem.

Several YouTube videos popped up, and you clicked on the one where he saved a group of protesters on the street from a falling building. His skill level wasn’t as impressive as other heroes you had fought but he had a ton of agility and strength for a young boy. You sighed as you exited the video, deciding to figure out how to get rid of him later. Right now, you needed to focus on a bigger problem: homecoming.

-

“Y/n!” You turned your head in the direction of the voice to find that it was Peter Parker who was calling you. Hoping the three hours of sleep didn’t affect the state of your face, you smiled and brushed your hair out of your face. Your mind was whirring, wondering what he possibly could want from you. The only classes you had with him were psychology (which you obviously excelled at) and pre-calculus.

“Hey, Peter! What’s up?” You shifted your binder in your arms and frowned when you noticed a light purple bruise staining his right cheek. “What happened to your cheek?”

“Oh, uh, dodgeball,” Peter shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. Since you trained yourself to be a psychoanalyst, you immediately picked up signals of lying but you brushed it off, filing it away for later on. “I was wondering, do you, um, have anybody to go to homecoming with?”

“No, I don’t think so. Why?” You already knew what he was about to say but asked anyway, wanting to hear him say it out loud.

“Would you, um, would you like to go to homecoming with me?” Peter stuttered and your smile widened as you noticed the blush spreading like wildfire across his cheeks.

“Sure. Here’s my number, just in case you wanted it,” You wrote down your number on a half sheet of paper in thick sharpie and handed it to him. He broke into an adorable smile and you turned around, heading to your next class with a bounce in your step.

You were overjoyed that he asked out but you didn’t show it, trying to remain composed. You stayed up all last night, searching up prom dresses and dreaming about who would ask you out. Sure, you were a murderous super-villain with psychopathic tendencies but you could never miss out on school dances. Peter asking you was unexpected but he was the best life was going to offer you. Besides, he was cute and nerdy, the best possible traits in your dream boyfriend.

~

The next month passed in a frenzied blur. Schoolwork and missions were minor annoyances but you focused on preparing for homecoming. You knew how to dance but practiced a couple of times at night to polish your skills. You managed to go on at least one date per week with Peter, insisting that you wanted to get to know him before homecoming. Luckily, he was occupied during the week with his internship so you met up on the weekends when you weren’t hunting down and murdering people.

You both quickly bonded over your love for the show Brooklyn 99 (yes, you still had to time to watch TV shows after homework and your job) and connected faster than your phone did to the school’s crappy wifi. While Peter was awkward and shy in the cutest way possible, you were outgoing to balance his personality out.

Your prom dress matched Peter’s suit and your Nan nearly shed a tear when she took a picture of you in your gorgeous turquoise, dress dusted with glitter before she drove you to Peter’s apartment. You were a lot less nervous than you felt; it was almost as if you had been preparing for this moment ever since you were born.

“Hi, Y/N! You look amazing! Peter’s really nervous so excuse him if he’s a bit off. It’s his first time going with a girl to a dance,” May smiled and embraced you with a comforting hug. You wished May adopted you after your parents died.

“I can hear you!” Peter appeared behind May and gave his aunt an affectionate hug before handing you a carnage, his face turning completely red when you pulled him into a hug. May didn’t hesitate to take photos of your embrace and you both posed for a picture before she allowed you to go.

Thankfully, Nan restricted her urge to interrogate Peter as she drove you guys to the dance, resulting in a smoother journey than you predicted. You tried to be as subtle with your flirting as possible but you also really hoped he would pick up the signals. Nan wished you luck and you rolled your eyes, pretending to act annoyed when you were secretly thankful that she cared, before driving away.

When you and Peter stepped into the room where the dance was being held in, several heads turned towards you. Yes, you both were in the middle class of the unspoken high school social hierarchy but tonight, the invisible labels no longer applied. Ned rushed over and fawned over how perfect you both were for each other, begging you to invite him to your wedding. A couple of your peers who knew you from shared classes came over and complimented you as well.

Homecoming was going pretty well with you and Peter absolutely losing your minds while dancing and laughing. It was probably the most fun you’ve ever had in your entire life until your phone began buzzing with a call from one of your clients.

“Sorry, I have to take this call. I’ll be back soon!” You hurriedly informed Peter before you threaded your way through the dance floor and rushed out the door into the empty school hallways.

“Hello?” Your voice would automatically be filtered as the voice others heard through the mask so you could speak normally, even if you didn’t talk to people on the phone often. It was rare for people to call you directly; they usually had to call your assistant, Jared, to book appointments or to send in a request and nobody really had contact with you unless it was an urgent situation.

“Hi Mr. Mercedes, I’m Diane Watford. I need you to take down my political opponent’s daughter, Mary Jaston. She’s at the homecoming dance at this school called Midtown. I’m offering a quarter of a million if you can get it done since I’ve requested on such a short notice,” You remembered hearing her name in the news somewhere and while she did try to come off as a Good Samaritan, you could recognize the vicious undertone underneath her sweet persona. What a wonderful coincidence that her opponent's daughter was at the same dance you were at!

It took you little thought to agree because after all, you rarely received offers that were as valuable as the one Watford was offering you. It would be a great addition to all the money you saved to pay for your college tuition. “Sure, I’ll have her by tomorrow morning. As for the money, talk to Jared for the transfer of money.”

You sighed as you ended the call and jogged down the dark halls to your locker, somehow managing not to trip while doing so in your heels. You hurriedly opened your locker, took out the backpack with the Mr. Mercedes outfit, and ducked into the bathroom to get changed. You had the option to follow Mary home and kill her there, but there was no fun in that. If you crashed homecoming, it would be more dramatic, and you could throw in a couple of surprises for the people who treated you like wet paper stuck to the bottom of their shoes.

On second thought, that meant you’d have to ditch Peter in order to accomplish your task. Okay, blowing off your date for homecoming wasn’t the best idea you’ve had in a while but you could make it up to him later.

Your entrance was more dramatic than you intended it to be and to be honest, crashing through the roof to make an entrance gave you an unethical rush of excitement. Watching everybody scatter like ants running away from water made you cackle, your laughs distorted by your mask. It didn’t take long for your eyes to land on your target: Mary Jaston. Hesitation did not come into play when you raised the gun and shot her in the head.

Everybody was screaming and shoving each other, desperate to get out of the room. You stood calmly in the middle of the room, all alone but serene as you watched chaos ensue. You had the option to leave right now but you had a feeling that somebody else would try to stop you before the police came.

“You have no manners! Don’t just go around shooting people!” A web shot past your ear and you looked up to find the same spider-patterned spandex-wearing boy. You raised your gun to shoot him but instead, he tackled you to the ground and ripped off your mask. He froze with your mask in his hand and you locked a bullet in place, pointing the gun at him.

“Take off your mask now, or I’ll shoot you,” The boy slowly peeled off his mask and you couldn’t even contain your shock. Those messy brown curls and hazel eyes were too familiar to you. “Peter?”

“Y/n? You’re Mr. Mercedes?” Peter glanced at you with hurt in his eyes and the distant sound of wailing police siren brought you back to reality. You snatched back the mask and put it on, preparing to exit. He grabbed onto your hand but you didn’t stop, you couldn’t stop. “Y/n, I know you’re a good person, please don’t do this. You don’t have to be the bad guy. I don’t know why you’re doing this but I can help you out of it, I promise,” You gritted your teeth as you yanked your arm out of his grip, fighting back tears while trying to keep glaring at him.

“You have no idea what you’re dealing with here. You were part of my other life, but is that supposed to change the way I feel? I have myself and Nan to support, I can’t let anybody down,” You began to boost off but he shot a web at your jetpack, causing you to get momentarily stuck.

“Yes! You could just drop your past and get a normal job! You could do so much better than what you’re doing now!” You peeled off the webs and launched upwards. As you looked down through the hole in the roof, you knew Peter would never see the miserable expression hidden behind your mask. But it was for the best because he never got to see you or the monster in you ever again.

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #x reader #peter parker imagine #imagine #tom holland #Spider-Man #spiderman #spider-man: homecoming #spiderman x reader #spiderman x you #fanfiction #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel fanfiction #fanfic #highschool au #villain au