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etherealising · 9 months

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interlude one | parle-moi

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summary: a glance into the final couple of weeks of carmy and baby's senior year.

wc: 13.7k

song inspo: parle-moi

please don't let any graphics hinder your imagination of fem!reader/baby, you could imagine her as a fucking smurf for all i care. any pictures used are NOT a representation of baby they just fit the chapter!!!!

also i describe hayden as atj's character in kick-ass because that's what i was watching while writing this chapter but you could imagine him as rasputin or liteally whoever you're into.

but also like atj and jaw are literally the same person just different fonts ya know? happy reading!

May 2013

Carmy watched as you manned the front of house at The Beef, you and Richie working seamlessly around each other as the both of you took turns at the cash register and running food to the customers who had decided to dine in. Carmy wouldn’t lie, he was a little miffed that Mikey had given you a job here but strictly forbade him from even thinking about working at The Beef, but it was okay because he had a plan. Carmy was going to pursue his dream of becoming a chef, not only that, he was going to become the best fucking chef he could be and prove to Michael exactly why he deserved to work alongside him at the family business.

It wasn’t necessarily fair for Carmy to be mad at you for earning yourself a job at The Beef, and he wasn’t. He knew you were only working there to save up money, he knew how badly you and your mom needed it. Things had gotten worse with your mom in the past two years. One of your aunts had come from the west coast to stay with the two of you as you finished up your senior year waiting to whisk the two of you away at the first chance she got. Carmy had met her a handful of times. She was nice he would give her that, but she always looked at him like she knew a secret he didn’t.

Leaning against the end of the counter as he waited for you to go on break, he watched as you made your way back from the dining area to the front, doing his best to capture your features. The slight sheen to your skin from running back and forth and the slight humidity that could be felt in the air. He took notice of the way your hair decorated your head, which pieces looked out of place. Carmy studied you with a curious eye, fingers drumming against the small sketchbook you had got him for his birthday. He had wanted to draw you for a while, and he tried once, but after picking out everything wrong with the drawing he decided that maybe your kind of features weren’t meant to be confined to the lines on a piece of paper.

Carmy watched as you laughed at something stupid Richie said, your laughter singing through the restaurant. Even as you turned to the window of the kitchen to share the joke with the rest of your crew, the large smile still hadn’t left your face.

You turned from the window removing the apron from around your waist as you approached Carmy, the remnants of laughter still on your face. You grabbed his hand pulling him along to the dining area where the two of you plopped down at your favorite corner table. The patrons are still there sending greetings to both of you. You nodded at Carmy’s sketchbook that now sat on the table, his hand lying flat atop it.

“Got anything new for me to look at?” You eyed the small book, always happy to look at whatever new drawing had taken over Carmy’s mind, even if they were of Claire.

Carmy followed your line of sight, a slight blush rising to his cheeks at your intrigue. He usually wouldn’t think twice about letting you parse through his artwork, your genuine interest always pushing him to keep up his hobby. “Uh, I’m not sure if you’ll want to see what’s in this sketchbook.”

Carmy’s fingers began drumming away again, the constant contact with the small book keeping him calm. You sent a teasing smile his way “Why afraid I’ll get tired of seeing your drawings of Claire?” You had meant for the quip to be a joke, although you were tired of seeing Claire’s face staring back at you through Carmy’s drawings, it wasn’t your friend's fault that she had stolen the heart of the boy you had been pining after for the better part of a year.

The frown on Carmy’s face told you that he may have taken offense to the slight joke, your teasing smile dropping as you felt the guilt creep in on you. “I don’t draw Claire that much do I?” The vulnerability in his tone catches you off guard.

You quickly shook your head wanting to appease him, “No Carm, guess I’ve just been around Mikey and Richie too much working here.” You sent him a small smile hoping to raise his spirits, “Word of advice though, some people might find it a bit weird if they knew someone was drawing them without their permission.” You leaned your head on the palm of your hand as you watched Carmy flush even more.

Carmy felt the heat of his blush rising on his neck and painting his cheeks an even deeper red, of course, you would think he was weird for randomly drawing your friend. His lack of experience and newfound fascination channeled into his drawings as he saw no other way to deal with his crush on Claire. He cleared his throat, eyes finding yours again, “Would you?” At the confusion on your face he swallowed, not wanting you to think him any weirder than he already felt, “Would you find it weird if I was drawing you?”

You watched Carmy sink into himself after asking you that question, your own heart melting a bit about the shyness Carmy exuded. “Carmen,” your hands reach out to clasp his between your own, “I would be flattered if you ever decided to draw me. Hell, maybe I’ll even commission you.” The ending joke is made to bring yourself back to reality, if Carmy was drawing you it wasn’t for the same reasons he was drawing Claire.

If it was possible for Carmy to blush even more, he was sure he would’ve looked like a tomato sitting in front of you. You always knew exactly what to say to stave his self-doubt, but recently your words had been more warming to him, something that he couldn’t explain. But he found himself hanging on to every word that left your lips a little bit more.

Before Carmy could get his response out Tina appeared by your table with two signature beef sandwiches for the two teenagers she had watched grow up. The two of you thanked her watching as she made her way back into the kitchen, not being able to spare a minute with the dinner rush starting soon.

You smiled up at Carmy before digging into your food, the warm bread and the seasoned beef caressed your tongue. You let out a sound of appreciation as you swallowed your first bite head tossing back to savor the flavors in your mouth. Carmy let out a small chuckle as he watched you, always finding your reaction to be overdramatic, he wouldn’t lie though, he was excited for the day he would earn that same reaction after you tried his food.

A content sigh escaped your lips as you wiped your mouth with the provided napkin, “I’m gonna miss this when I’m gone.” Carmy could hear the sadness in your voice, his own sense of sadness filling him as he remembered what fate held for the two of you after graduation. The two of you would be separated from each other in what felt like the first time in forever.

Carmy sat his sandwich down, slumping a little in his seat while trying his best not to bring the mood down, “You leave at the end of July right?” His question met your ears as you took in his kicked-puppy look, you remembered how well Carmy took the news when he found out. The betrayal on his face when he found out you chose to go to a college on the West Coast.

You nodded your eyes not meeting his as you tried to lessen the hurt in your heart. It's not like you wanted to be that far from Carmy but it really was out of your hands. Your mom and aunt decided it would be best to be closer to family amid your mom’s ever-declining health. “Yeah Carm, our flight leaves on the 31st.”

You took another bite out of your sandwich appetite dwindling, but not wanting to waste the food you know the crew loved making. The two of you finished your sandwiches in silence, neither of you wanting to talk about the future and more than happy just to sit in the other’s presence.

Reaching for Carmy’s plate you stacked your own on top of his before moving them onto the edge of the table, ready to take them when your break came to an end in five minutes. You sat up straighter in your seat imbuing yourself with confidence as you prepared yourself to broach the topic you weren’t sure Carmy even cared for.

“So Carm, prom is coming up, have you given it any thought?” Carmy knew you were trying to come across as nonchalant, but the gleam in your eyes told him otherwise. Hiding the small smile that graced his lips, he watched as you tried hard to act as though you didn’t care about prom. It was a bit funny to him.

“You know it's not really my scene Baby,” he watched as your shoulders slumped a bit. You had been expecting his answer so you weren’t sure why it affected you so much

You nodded your head, “Yeah, you’re right. Not sure why I brought it up.” You began playing with your fingers, you aren’t sure what you were hoping would be different this time compared to the other times you had brought it up to him. You knew Carmy wasn’t interested in you romantically, and you knew he wasn’t interested in going to prom, but you were holding out hope thinking he might pity you and join you at prom as your friend as one last hurrah before your big move.

Carmy felt bad, he didn’t mean to make you sad. He was just waiting for the right time to ask you. He knew how much prom meant to you, and had listened to you talk his ear off about going to your high school prom after your mom and his mom showed you pictures from their respective proms. He was still working up the confidence to do so though, every time he thought he was ready he would overhear the idiots in his homeroom with their own plans to ask you. Thankfully though you had rejected every advance, and what kind of friend would Carmy be if he asked you to prom at the dinghy sticky table in the back of his family’s business?

“I’ll think about it okay?” It was Carmy’s turn to reach for your hands, to assuage the sadness he could see overtaking your features. Your eyes met Carmy’s not sure if you had heard him correctly, you wouldn’t allow yourself to get too excited at the prospect that Carmy might want to attend the prom.

You sent Carmy a small smile and a nod before standing up from your seat and grabbing the two dishes still sitting on the table, “I’ll hold you to that Bear.” You headed towards the door to the kitchen disappearing from Carmy’s sight.

It was always odd for Carmy to hear you use that nickname for him. You had usually just stuck to ‘Carmen’ or ‘Carmy’ when you were feeling extra friendly. But hearing you call him ‘Bear’ always made his heart beat a little faster, the way the nickname left your lips making him feel warm on the inside. Knowing that such a special nickname had countlessly graced your tongue, a family name just for him that you had felt comfortable enough calling him always made his head fuzzy and his chest feel like it was on fire. The sound of the bell above the door snapped him out of his thoughts, he quickly gathered up his sketchbook, he didn’t know where he was headed, but hopefully, some fresh air would give him the courage he needed to finally ask you to prom.

Your shift ended an hour ago, but you always stayed later to help the crew clean up. Mikey began giving you rides home as you took on more hours, the one plus side of working for your neighbor. At that moment Tina was helping you clean the front of the house her favorite oldies CD popped into the ancient radio, the two of you had created a tradition since you started working at The Beef. Tina would shoo Richie to the back to clean her area so the two of you could catch up.

Tina had taken you under her wing when you first started working there, teaching you what she could in her spare time. Although you had no plans to work in a kitchen anytime soon, you still cherished the time spent together taking what she taught you and using them in your kitchen. Happily sharing with Tina what your mom thought about a recipe she taught you and bringing one of your mom's famous recipes for Tina to try.

Being able to connect your mom and your work mom through food always brought warmth to your heart. The women in your life all doing their best to raise you to be the best woman you could be. As you and Tina finished cleaning up, the two of you headed to the dining area where you would usually wait for Mikey as he finished up whatever he was doing in his office and Tina would sometimes keep you company.

The two of you occupied the same table that had earlier housed you and Carmy. “So did Carmy get his head out of his ass and ask you to prom?” The smile on Tina’s face showed how excited she was to hear about your progress in getting Carmy open to going to prom.

You hid your face in your hands, your big smile hiding behind it, “He told me he’d think about it, which isn’t a no but, I’m too scared to get my hopes up,” You smiled in Tina’s direction watching as she nodded the smile never leaving her face.

“Mama, why don’t you just ask him yourself?” Tina questioned searching your eyes, your smile faltered as you listened to Tina’s question, why hadn’t you just asked Carmy? It would’ve given you a straight answer, and you wouldn’t have had to wait around while he was being indecisive.

Your eyebrows pinched together as you looked at Tina in earnest, “But what if he says no?” The self-doubt creeping in, of course, you would ask him as friends, you didn’t want to freak him out but insinuating you wanted something more, even though you did.

Tina shrugged her shoulders, a small warm smile decorating her features “You can’t control his reaction Mija.” She leaned forward to clasp your hands in hers, “If you don’t ask you’ll never know.” You could always count on Tina’s solid advice to ground you.

And she was right the worst thing that could happen if you asked Carmy to the prom was his swift rejection. But the answer would always be rejection if you never asked. Tina squeezed your hands as you nodded, letting her words sink in as you calculated the best way to ask Carmy to prom.

“I see the way you look at him mama, and listen,” one of her hands shot out to raise your chin so you were looking at her directly. “It’s going to hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way, but you can’t keep living ya life waiting for him. You can be there for him as much as you want, that’s fine ma, but at the end of the day you gotta remember you’re the only person who got you.”

You could feel the tears on your waterline threatening to spill out, leave it to Tina to serve you the most heartfelt advice on a random Thursday night at a dining table at The Beef.

“I’m not saying you gotta let go of your feelings for him, just don’t lose yourself waiting for that boy to come to his senses.” With that Tina patted your hands as she stood from her seat, coming to your side of the table and planting a loving kiss on your forehead.

“You get home safe now ma, a’ight, make sure Mikey ain’t driving all stupid with you in that car.” You laughed at the jab Tina made about Mikey’s driving.

Standing up the two of you embraced each other in a hug, you were grateful to have Tina in your, and you were grateful to have met the Berzattos because without them you wouldn’t have been able to make all the wonderful connections you have now.

You waited for Tina to grab her stuff so you could walk her out. The two of you exiting The Beef you stood outside the entrance watching Tina as she made her way down the street, waiting until her petite figure was officially out of your sight before heading back inside and locking the door behind you.

Venturing to the back you stopped in the office doorway, Mikey sitting in the desk chair as Richie leaned against the desk the two of them whispering fiercely between each other. You gently knocked on the wall hoping to catch their attention, you learned the hard way that being privy to any whispered conversation these two had was never worth it.

“Uh, I’m ready when you are Mikey,” you looked between the two of them, the two giving off a more sketchy vibe than they usually did.

“You uh, didn’t hear anything you weren’t supposed to did you?” Richie’s question caused you to frown. They were definitely doing some sketchy shit that you wanted no part in.

You rolled your eyes before bending down to pick up your backpack on the floor next to the door. “You two are so fucking weird,” you crossed your arms over your chest as you looked between the two of them. Mikey finally rose from his seat and tossed you the keys that were sitting on the desk.

“Hey! That’s rude you know, I think I’m fucking great,” Richie’s response caused a tired smile to form on your lips.

“Yeah Rich, you can be cool sometimes. Goodnight Rich, get home safe.” You sent a small wave his way before leading the way to the car parked in the back of the lot, wanting nothing more than to get home, shower, and bundle up in your warm bed.

You unlocked your door before quickly sliding in and reaching over to unlock Mikey’s door. Silently rushing him along and immediately turning on the heat as Mikey settled into his seat reversing out of the lot.

“What were you and Richie even doing anyway?” You looked over in Mikey’s direction as your hands were placed in front of the vents supplying warmth to your body.

Mikey smiled at you before facing the road again your curiosity was always something he could count on, “Just keeping the business afloat. Nothing to worry over.” You nodded along, no stranger to the many problems The Beef ran into. It shocked you sometimes that it was still up and running, but you knew Mikey always found a way to keep things going.

“How’s school?” The question gained your attention, one of these talks is almost mandatory between the two of you, Mikey checking in on you and in a not-so-subtle way checking in on Carmy through you. You couldn’t pretend you knew why it was so hard for them to just talk to each other, but you guessed any effort was effort.

“Alright, I guess, just preparing for finals. Oh, guess what?” The giddiness in your voice earned a chuckle from Mikey as he nodded for you to go on. “I’m planning to ask Carmy to prom, but like as friends you know?” It was a bit ironic that every Berzatto except the one that mattered knew about your crush, but according to them, you weren’t very subtle about it.

Mikey’s laugh crumbled your resolve a bit, you weren’t sure if he was laughing at you or your idea. You flicked his shoulder sure he couldn’t feel it through his jacket, he raised his hand as a way to ward off your attack. Not that it was doing anything to hurt him.

You watched as Mikey pulled into your driveway never forcing you to cross the street on late nights. His hand reached for the ignition turning the car off as he shifted to face you in his seat.

“You know I’m proud of you right?” you nodded as you listened to Mikey’s words. “You’re gonna do big fucking things, Baby, don’t forget about us little guys alright.” You laughed a little confused about where this topic of conversation was coming from.

“I could never forget about you Brother Bear.” You teased the childhood nickname you gave Mikey pulling his lips into a smile. “I’m gonna write about you one day Mikey, gotta remember you to do that.” You watched as he just stared at you eyes roaming over your face, you reached across the console pressing a quick kiss on his cheek before moving to get out of the car.

Mikey’s hand reached out to grab your arm, “You gonna look out for Carmy even when you leave right?” You nodded at the question, feeling no need to elicit a verbal response. “Just keep an eye out for me will you, you’re good for Carmy.” You had no plans to cut Carmy off after your move, the two of you already discussed the best ways to keep in contact, the best season to catch a flight in.

“Come on now Mikey, you Berzatto’s are stuck with me for life, you can’t get rid of me that easily.” You laughed as Mikey rolled his eyes

“Get your ass in the house, Baby, I told your mom I’d stop bringing you home so late,” you nodded, picking your backpack up from by your feet on the floor. You quickly walked to your front door turning back to send Mikey a wave as he watched you get in safely.

Mikey sighed as he easily parked the car in his driveway just across the street. It was selfish but he needed you to stay in Carmy’s life in whatever way you could manage. Carmy would need you, the role you played in his life making him a better person than he already was. Mikey just hoped for your sake that Carmy put in the effort to keep you in his life, his little brother honing in on the Berzatto family habit of self-sabotage.

Mikey would speak to Carmy about it, if there was one thing he would get his little brother to understand, it was that allowing you to walk out of his life would be a colossal mistake.

Carmy was waiting for you in front of the school. Since getting your licenses the two of you had been taking turns driving the other to school, and today was his turn. He knew it would take you a good minute to make your way to the entrance since your class was located at the back of campus. It didn’t bother him though, it gave him a chance to try and calm his nerves. There was one week left until prom and he still hadn’t asked you.

He purchased the tickets a week ago. You had given him the perfect opportunity at lunch when you decided to spend the period getting help from your creative writing teacher.

Carmy just never felt like it was the right time to ask you, at least that’s what he was telling himself. In reality, he had plenty of opportunities, he just kept losing his confidence. Forcing him to constantly postpone the question he so desperately wanted answered.

For example, when he was visiting with your mom over the weekend and you were teaching him your mom’s famous peach cobbler recipe. He swore he was gonna ask you in the midst of baking, he knew you were into romantic gestures. Not that he wanted to go to prom with you romantically or anything like that. But then the two of you made a mess with the flour while trying to perfect your mom's homemade biscuits, flour getting everywhere including on the two of you.

Carmy decided as he watched you clean your face that right then was as perfect a moment as ever. The two of you were in high spirits enjoying each other's company, but then he watched as the evening light streamed through the kitchen window just perfectly. The sunlight lit up the features on your face he had somehow been overlooking for all the years he knew you. Your bright eyes and cheeky smile were solely trained on him.

And there he was standing in your mom’s kitchen, drowning in the attention you had always allotted especially for him. His smile faltered as he couldn’t help but just watch you at that moment, his breath hitched while his eyes skated over the planes of your face, the ache in his chest slowly dwindling his confidence. And Carmy decided he just couldn’t ask you that day. The timing wasn’t right. The two of you were a mess and he needed to find a bottle of Pepto Bismol asap.

So that’s how he ended up nervously waiting for you to exit school on a random Monday in May. Carmy made sure he was in the regular meeting spot as you two had dedicated it, out of the way of any other students. The two of you weren’t loners, well you weren’t, Carmy didn’t care too much for high school labels. But the two of you were fine being in each other’s presence with no need to include anyone else, and yeah sometimes you would run off with Claire or Hayden and try to invite Carmy, but Carmy didn’t need any of that. He got you and your attention every day of the week whenever he wanted, and for Carmy, that’s all he really needed.

Carmy finally spotted you making your way through the crowd of teenagers who were either waiting for their rides or just trying to prolong the day with their friends. An unconscious smile graced his features he had been waiting all day to finally just get things over with and pop the question. The two tickets held so tightly in his hands they were starting to crinkle. Letting out a deep breath, Carmy straightened up, wanting you to take his inquiry seriously, not sure his usual shyness would exhibit that he truly wanted to go to prom with you.

No longer able to wait, Carmy began walking in your direction, doing his best to avoid the bodies that didn’t care enough to pay attention to him. He made it halfway before the sight in front of him caused him to abruptly stop. Walking next to you was the tall boy he always felt himself feeling insecure around. Hayden had never shown Carmy any ill will and had even tried to include Carmy in conversation in the times he joined the two of you for lunch. But the teenager had something Carmy didn’t have; a reserve of confidence and natural charisma. The two of you had just met this year in your creative writing class and Carmy swore he would never hear the end of it.

Hayden was drinking in all your attention right now, the two of you bouncing ideas off of each other for your creative writing final. You thought Hayden was cool since your first meeting at the beginning of the year. The two of you became instant critique buddies, always asking the other to analyze a class assignment before you submitted it. At times you had thought about inviting him to hang out with you and Carmy outside of school, but you didn’t want to make Carmy uncomfortable, so the two of you remained friends inside the confines of high school.

You laughed at one of Hayden’s outlandish ideas, knowing if he turned in a paper on the topic of whatever conspiracy theory he was into at the moment they would probably withhold his diploma.

“Hey, check it out,” your eyes followed the path Hayden’s finger was pointing at, a small scowl painting your face at the scene playing out in front of you. “Looks like Carmy finally asked Claire to prom.” The words made your ears buzz, and the tickets in your back pocket felt like they were on fire now.

The two of you watched in silence as Carmy and Claire traded shy smiles with each other before he handed her one of the two tickets in his hands. When he told you he’d think about it, you weren’t aware he would think about going with someone else. The hope in your heart immediately died out as you watched the bright smile overtake Carmy’s face. You didn’t blame him, if you had the opportunity to go to prom with your crush, you obviously would have taken it too.

“You good?” The nudge to your arm broke you from your longing gaze, eyes finding Hayden’s through his dorky glasses. You nodded trying to shake the sadness off yourself, Hayden was great at reading people.

“Yeah, actually,” you took a small breath before continuing. “I know this is kind of weird, and you’re totally allowed to reject me. But would you maybe wanna go to prom with me? It doesn’t have to mean anything obviously, just two friends having a good time together.” You slipped the two tickets out of your back pocket brandishing them to Hayden. Even if you couldn’t go with Carmy you still wanted to attend prom and Hayden was a great second choice.

“Hell yeah! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me.” The lame joke caused the both of you to laugh as you shoved Hayden’s shoulder. He took one of the tickets from your hand walking backwards while still facing you. “Don’t sell yourself short, maybe I want to go to prom with you to mean something.” His loud voice catches the attention of the teenagers surrounding you. A group of underclass girls fawning over how cute they thought the scene between you two was.

You watched as Hayden disappeared to his car, a small laugh leaving your lips at Hayden’s antics, a part of you feeling giddy at the idea that someone wanted to go to prom with you as more than friends.

Carmy wasn’t sure how long he stood there staring at the interaction going on between you and Hayden, but it sure did suck the confidence right out of his insecure body. The thought of going to prom with you was just another failed idea as he was sure Hayden would ask you.

“You okay there Berzatto?” Carmy was snapped out of his trance by the presence that made their way to his side. His eyes shot to Claire’s, momentarily widening before he tried to calm his exterior. He nodded his head, giving himself a minute before even thinking of gracing Claire with an incoherent response.

“Ye-Yeah, just waiting for Baby,” his free hand raised to point in your direction as Claire smiled at him, eyes leaving him for only a moment. He dropped his hand not knowing how to continue the conversation, Claire was your friend and yeah he did have his fair share of classes with her, and she did only live down the street from the two of you. But he had never been alone with her on purpose.

The two of them stood in a stilted silence, both overcome by their shyness to say anything. Trying to ease the awkwardness Claire’s eyes landed on the tickets still tightly grasped in Carmy’s hands, finally finding an out to the silence. “I didn’t know you were into prom Carmy,” the statement reminded Carmy of what he had been planning to do in the first place.

One hand raised to run through his slightly grown-out hair, head nodding rapidly in response, “Yeah, Baby seems to be really into it.” Carmy didn’t notice Claire’s smile falter, of course, he was taking you to prom, you were the only girl that existed to him.

Carmy finally faced the girl standing next to him. The least he could do while waiting for you was hold a conversation with her. “Did you want to go?” Carmy watched Claire’s smile brighten, a confused look painting his features. Not realizing that with his overall awkward and shy personality, the girl in front of him thought this was his way of asking her to prom.

“With you?” She questioned the giddiness in her voice, easy to point out. Carmy’s eyes widened this time, this was definitely not his original plan. But he couldn’t just say no and turn her down he would’ve felt bad, plus he did have a huge crush on her, and Mikey and Richie had both told him to stop being such a pussy when it came to girls. So Carmy realized he had his answer.

“Yeah with me, i-if you want to I mean,” Carmy waited with bated breath hoping he hadn’t read the situation wrong. If Claire’s blush and wide smile were any indication he was on the right track. He raised the hand that contained the tickets between the two of them, plucking one out and offering it to Claire.

Their hands brushed as she reached for the ticket, Carmy’s smile matching hers as they fell into polite small talk about their day and their plans for after graduation.

“Don’t sell yourself short, maybe I want going to prom with you to mean something,” the sound of what they both knew to be Hayden’s voice drew their attention. They watched the fading interaction between you and Hayden, Carmy’s attention zeroing in on a laugh he heard over a hundred times.

The squeeze on his bicep removed his attention from you, eyes falling back to the girl he had just asked to prom, albeit accidentally. “They’re so cute! I can’t believe they’re going to prom together,” Claire’s excitement had somehow increased after Hayden’s obnoxious display. “Hey, maybe we can carpool,” It was wrong but Carmy couldn’t get himself to focus on the words leaving Claire’s mouth, too busy watching you watch Hayden.

“Oh hey, my mom’s here. We’ll figure it out later, see ya Carmy.” He sent a noncommittal nod in Claire’s direction, a slight wave sent to her mom who was patiently waiting in the car. Eyes immediately went back to your figure that had finally begun to make its way in his direction, the smile on your face confusing him. You didn’t like Hayden did you?

Carmy watched as you stopped in front of him before your hand reached out to shove his shoulder, “Why didn’t you tell me you were asking Claire to prom?” Carmy wasn’t sure why but your question irked him, the excitement in your voice crawling under his skin. It’s not like he had to run his whole life by you, you obviously didn’t.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were asking Hayden to prom?” The hostility in Carmy’s tone and the frown on his face confused you, “You just asked him to prom so he’ll sleep with you.” Your eyes widened at Carmy’s insinuation that the only reason anyone would go to prom with you was to fulfill their carnal desires.

You scoffed rolling your eyes at his immaturity, “You have an ugly fucking attitude, Carmen.” The shove of your shoulder into his as you stormed off to the car cooled his anger down.

Carmy had no clue what the fuck had been going on with him, with the two of you recently. But he knew he needed to cool it with these mood swings before you decided to leave him behind for good. He only had you for the rest of the summer before your constant presence in his life would disappear. He didn’t want to give you a reason to cease all contact after your move. Carmy followed after you knowing it would be a silent car ride home.

Prom Night | Saturday

The week leading up to prom had been the most awkward week between you and Carmy since the dawn of your friendship. It's not like you were giving him the cold shoulder, but you sure weren’t as nice and friendly as you usually were with him. You only spoke to him out of necessity that week, your friendship with him on rocky ground after the accusation he threw your way.

It had gotten so bad that you had even begun inviting Claire and Hayden to your’s and Carmy’s self-proclaimed lunch table. You had told Carmy it was under the guise of figuring out the plans for prom night, but you just didn’t want to sit alone with Carmy as he acted like everything was fine between the two of you. And Carmy knew two, and if he was brave enough he would’ve admitted that it hurt to see you so upset with him to the point that you were no longer comfortable in just his presence.

He had even broached the topic to Sugar, hoping she would be able to give him advice since she was a teenage girl at one point, and probably understood your thought process better than he did. He regretted the decision immediately when she explained to him that because of the situation, he should be more worried about the way his words hurt you, rather than his feelings of you distancing yourself from him. She had gone on a long tangent about how you had every right to want space from him, the two of you were longtime best friends, and having someone you trust with your whole life deduce you to just your body would make anyone question the friendship. Carmy learned the hard way that Sugar wasn’t going to tell him what he wanted to hear just to make him feel better.

It was a tough week for Carmen Berzatto and it was nobody's fault but his own. Sitting on his bed he stared at the suit he would be donning tonight, the excitement he once held for prom, slowly dwindling with every smile you saved for Hayden that week. Every time you asked for Hayden’s advice before Carmy’s he felt his resolve cracking, for a constant time in his life your friendship with him was the only thing that truly belonged to him.

He wasn’t used to having to share your attention with anyone outside of his and your family. He wasn’t prepared for the smile he thought was reserved just for him, to so easily graced your lips when speaking with Hayden

You and Claire were getting ready together at your house, you had invited the girl to join you after she explained her mom would be out of town for a business meeting. The friendship between the two of you was still rather new, you wouldn’t go as far as to call her your best friend, but she was your first close girlfriend and you thought that counted for something.

Claire was easy to be friends with. She was a sweet girl with a bright personality and the two of you wondered how you had lived on the same street all this time and never became friends before senior year. Claire was easy to be friends with; that is until Carmy decided he liked her. After that day it was no longer just you and Carmy, it was you, Carmy, and Claire. And Claire was never even actually physically there, she was just a topic of conversation that Carmy couldn’t go a day without somehow bringing up.

You didn’t blame Claire though, how could you? And just as naturally you watched as your new friend fell for your oldest one. It hurt in the beginning to realize Carmy would never speak of you the way he spoke of Claire, but as time went on you got over it, the mantra ‘if Carmy’s happy, I’m happy’ slowly getting you through senior year. But it was agonizing when Claire confessed to you she had fallen for your shy doe-eyed shadow.

Luckily for you though the two of them were too shy to ever do anything about it. And maybe you were a shit friend for not telling Carmy that he did have a chance with his dream girl, but you would’ve been an even worse friend for revealing Claire’s secret behind her back. It was a lose-lose situation. So now you were relegated to being the middleman, lending both of your friends an ear to talk about their infatuations with each other.

And that’s exactly what you were doing right now as you listened to Claire drone on about how sweet Carmy was. And how cute he looked when he asked her to prom, and if you thought he would look good in his suit tonight; which yes, you did but Claire didn’t need to know that. You were almost starting to regret inviting her over, but you had to remind yourself it wasn’t her fault that you were too scared to admit your feelings to Carmy, or that you should’ve just asked Carmy to prom yourself with no hesitation.

“Which color?” Claire’s voice broke you from your pity party, the two of you sitting on the floor in front of your mirror, your respective makeup set out in front of you. You looked at the two eyeshadow palettes Claire was pointing at, quickly pointing at the one color palette that would work best with her blue-green eyes.

“I think these colors will make your eyes pop,” the small smile on your lips encouraging Claire to take your advice. “Can I be honest with you?” You were unsure that you wanted to have this conversation with Claire, but you’d always have Carmy’s best interest at heart.

Claire shifted to face you, your serious tone drawing her undivided attention. “Just be careful with Carmy, okay?” Your eyes flickered between hers to make sure she understood the gravity of what you were saying. “Not in a bad way or anything, it's just…he really likes you. And he’s not that experienced in the romance department, so just don’t expect too much of him,” you paused, eyes going down to watch as your fingers picked at the hem of your robe.

“He’s shy, ya know, and he’s a little self-conscious even though he does not need to be because he’s so cool once you get to know him. But if he seems a little clueless or doesn’t pick up on your queues, just don’t hold it against him okay? I know he’s going to try not to mess things up with you Claire.”

Your eyes found Claire’s face again, a small endearing smile on her lips, “You care about him a lot.” You laughed not meaning for it to sound as sarcastic as it came across, you did a lot more than care about Carmy. “I’m glad Carmy has a friend like you in his life,” Claire’s hand patted your knee, the truth in her words causing your heart to sink a little in your chest.

“Enough about me and Carmy, I didn’t know you were into Hayden!” The two of you giggled about the fact you were talking about boys and getting ready for prom, neither of you thought you’d be in this situation right now.

“I’m not. We’re just going as friends,” you said as the two of you began to paint your faces. “Well make sure he knows that.” You put down the lip liner you were examining, eyes flashing to Claire as she shot you a goofy smile.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You watched as Claire rolled her eyes at your obliviousness, you threw a makeup brush at her that she easily swatted away. “I’m just saying” the other girl’s hands raised in defense, “Hayden has like the biggest crush on you, he’s just too nonchalant to say anything.”

“Really?” The surprise in your voice stole a laugh from Claire. “Of course! Look, you didn’t hear this from me but he had plans to ask you to prom. You just beat him to the punch.”

You watched Claire for a minute as she resumed doing her makeup. Your own eyes find your figure in the mirror, a shy smile curving your lips. Maybe your head had been so far up Carmy’s ass you were too blind to see that there was another great guy out there ready to make you happy.

You thought of the advice Tina had given you a few weeks back, you would always care for Carmy. But if he was getting his happy ending tonight, it was only fair that you tried as well. As you and Claire sat there chit-chatting and getting ready, you thought about how different your life would be if you set your feelings for Carmy aside, and tonight was the best time to figure it out.

You and Claire made your way across the street to the Berzatto household where everyone was waiting for the two of you. Your mom and aunt left 30 minutes ago, Donna having invited them over for dinner while you all attended prom. You saw Hayden’s car parked in front of their house and couldn’t help but feel excited at the idea of spending such a fun night with him, you had only ever seen him as a friend but maybe tonight could change things.

You were pretty sure Donna was snooping through the windows excitedly waiting for the two of you to arrive because the moment your foot hit the sidewalk Donna threw the door open with a loud voice surprising the two of you.

“Oh my goodness! Look at you girls, you look beautiful!” Donna exclaimed as she made her way towards the two of you pulling Claire into a hug before throwing her arms around you, careful to mind the bulky Polaroid camera in her hand.

Removing yourself from the hug you peered behind her to see everyone else filing out of the house. Your aunt helped your mom as she talked Nat’s ear off about something you couldn’t hear. Mikey and Richie do their best to interrogate a calm Hayden, and Carmy awkwardly follows behind at the back of the pack, his suit hugging him well.

You were quickly pulled away from your assessment of Carmy as Nat made her way to you with a huge grin on her face. “Baby! Oh my goodness!” Her words became muffled as she pulled you into a hug. “You look so gorgeous, Carmy is such a tool. Well, no offense to Claire.” You let out a small laugh as you parted from Natalie, the two of you joining everyone else so the picture-taking could begin.

Before joining Claire and Carmy you stopped by Mikey and Richie to pick up your date, hoping they hadn’t gone overboard with the ‘intimidating older brother’ act. Squeezing in between the two older men you looped your arm around their torso pulling them into a double-side hug.

“Are tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb giving you a hard time Hayden?” The words leave behind a mock pout on your lips. You gave Hayden a bright smile, easily taking his suited figure in, he had forgone his round dorky glasses. But his signature unruly dark curls were in their usual mess atop of his head, and you would admit you appreciated it.

You watched as the once apprehensive look on his face turned into a bright grin at your words, a pretty blush painting his angular cheeks. “Wow, you look uh-”

“She looks what buddy?” Mikey’s tone left no room for questions, his arms moving to cross against his chest widening his stance to appear more intimidating.

“You look pretty.” You weren’t even given a second to respond as Mikey started in again.

“I look fucking pretty to you? Richie, this boy just call me pretty?” Mikey’s eyes never left Hayden’s even as his question was directed at Richie.

You watched as Richie copied Mikey’s stance, your arms falling from their movements. “Yeah Mikey, I think he fucking did.”

“Richie’s a looker too, you gonna call him pretty?” You watched as Hayden fumbled with his words, eyes searching yours for any help.

“Yeah Curly Sue, I wanna be fucking pretty too.” You weren’t sure how the conversation had gotten so out of control but luckily for you, your mom was there to save the day. Pulling Hayden’s attention to a conversation so he could escape your two personal bodyguards.

“You two stop giving that poor boy a hard time.” Mikey and Richie having no defense against your mom, let him join her as Donna came up to the three of you for a picture.

You resumed your initial position with them, arms finding their way back around their torsos. The two of them leaned down to press a kiss against both of your cheeks, a cheesy smile taking over your features as the three of you posed for Donna’s camera.

“Okay Baby, grab your cute little date and take some photos,” Donna motioned you over to where Nat was finishing up the couple photos of Carmy and Claire, now waiting for you and Hayden.

You maneuvered yourself from Mikey and Richie’s grip standing in front of them, the two of them looking at you with smirks decorating their faces. Although you found their antics to be stupid, you were glad to have people in your life who cared enough about you to try and scare your dates away.

“This kid not weird or some shit is he Baby?” Mikey scowled at you, arms finding their way across his chest. You shook your head, you thought you knew enough about Hayden to vouch for him. “No, he’s just a friend. It was a last-minute decision.” The two men stared at the boy who was waiting for you to take pictures with him, the pretty flower corsage in a box in his hands.

Mikey nodded in his direction signaling for you to go and join him, “You guys stop by The Beef after. Don’t want you and Carmy getting into any stupid shit.” You nodded before making your way to Hayden’s side. His smile caused one to grace your lips as well.

“Everybody wants pictures of us but uh, I need to give you this first.” You smiled as he shyly showed you the corsage, you watched as he removed it from its box. You held out your hand as he carefully slipped it on your wrist, surprised to see how perfectly the colors chosen complimented your skin tone.

You couldn’t help but share a small smile with him when the two of you caught each other’s eyes again. “Thank you, Hayden, it's beautiful.” The click of a camera drew your attention, eyes finding Nat’s as she looked at the image on her digital camera.

“Awe Baby! The two of you are so cute, okay give me a few poses.” Carmy couldn’t help but watch as Sugar gushed over you and Hayden, his mom keeping Claire’s attention as they discussed whatever it was they were so enraptured in.

He watched as the two of you took photos as if you were a couple and not just two friends going to prom. The two of you stood in the standard prom pose looking like the perfect match, Hayden standing behind you with his hands wrapped around your waist, the two of you smiling happily at the camera. The position changed slightly as Hayden rested his chin on your shoulder for one shot, slightly turning his head for the next shot so his lips caressed your cheek. From Carmy’s vantage point, you didn’t seem to mind.

Carmy was pulled into Mikey’s side as his older brother wrapped his arm around his shoulder. The two of them watch you and your date in silence for a moment. “Baby’s growing up isn’t she?” The question was not something Carmy was expecting from Mikey.

“Do me a favor and look out for her Carmy alright?” Carmy nodded, no one ever needed to ask that of him. “Better start treating her right before this becomes your feature.” Mikey looked down at Carmy hoping to drill the words into his younger brother, sending one more squeeze to his shoulder and an encouraging smile his way before leaving to join Richie in conversation with your mom and aunt.

Sugar caught Carmy’s eye, a melancholy smile on her lips, “Carmy come, let me get a picture of you and Baby together!” He looked to his mom and Claire, the two of them giving him nods of encouragement. He gently took the Polaroid camera from his mom's hand knowing you’d like at least one Polaroid of the two of you before heading in your direction.

He approached you and Hayden as the two of you were having a quiet conversation, “So if I potentially called you baby non platonically how would you feel about that?” Carmy wanted to gag and was relieved as he watched you roll your eyes at the cheesy pickup line.

“Eww, actually please don’t,” Carmy stood there in silence watching how chummy the two of you were and feeling awkward for just listening.

“You’re right, my girl has a better ring to it.” Carmy’s eyes widened he had no idea where the fuck this kid's confidence was coming from but it sure was starting to piss him off. He watched your mouth hang open partially at a loss for words apparently just as appalled as Carmy.

The hand reaching up to cup your chin almost sent Carmy into a full spiral, “Close your mouth, can’t have my girl swallowing flies.” Camry was about to blow his shit! Who the fuck did this model-looking motherfucker think he was?

“Hey, pretty boy! None of that slick shit in my yard!” Carmy had never been more thankful for Mikey’s obnoxious personality, watching as you and Hayden laughed together looking thick as thieves.

He quickly took his opportunity to squeeze his way into the space Hayden had once taken up. Carmy could feel the tension as he stood next to you, he quickly handed the Polaroid off to Sugar so she could take the picture before making his way back to your side.

Neither of you spoke a word as you got into position standing in a side hug so the awkward tension between the two of you wouldn’t be as noticeable in the final photo. As you fixed yourself to make sure you were presentable, Carmy found himself enraptured with you carefully sliding his arm around your waist.

The way you had chosen to style your hair was something he wasn’t accustomed to. The new style allows the angelic planes of your face to be showcased, the apples of your cheeks and your cheekbones catching his eye. The pretty sparkly stuff on your eyelids catching the dimming sunlight he was almost tempted to touch it. He liked the earrings you had chosen and the way the pearls sat so prettily around your neck he wanted to trace each one.

The square neckline of your dress showcased your perfectly sculpted collarbones. Carmy was so lost in his study of you he hadn’t thought twice about running his thumb across the one closest to him. The touch tickled you enough that your body was now slightly turned into his. Carmy cleared his throat, “Uh…um there was a bug.” He watched as you nodded along with his lame excuse.

Your hand came up to smooth out his pocket square that sat atop his heart. Carmy caught your eye before you could face the camera head-on, he gave your waist a slight squeeze to give himself a boost of confidence. Carmy watched as you stared up at him questionably the two of you just staring at each other for a moment.

Carmy’s eyes darted over your face, taking in your features before losing himself to the shape of your lips for a moment. “I think you look beautiful tonight Baby.” The words left Carmy’s lips with no sense of apprehension, no shyness. He was sure of himself; sure of his statement.

You had leaned into him a little bit more, your eyes rapidly blinking as your brain realized what he said. Carmy watched as a small shy smile graced your lips, his own soon following as he realized just how important it was to keep that pretty smile in his life.

Unbeknownst to the two of you Sugar had watched the whole moment play out, quickly raising the Polaroid to capture the intimate moment between the two of you. A moment she was hoping would finally lead to more between the two of you.

“Thank you Carmy,” Carmy watched as you leaned in slightly before stopping yourself and quickly readjusting so you were facing Sugar head-on. Carmy wasn’t sure what had changed between the two of you in these last couple of weeks but as Carmy forced himself to look away from you, he found himself thankful for whatever ushered in that change.

Carmen Berzatto knew at that moment, he would want for no one else the way he did you. And he would spend every day for the rest of his life proving that he was enough for you.

You and Hayden were leaning against his car as the two of you watched Carmy walk Claire down the street to her own house. Hayden had volunteered to drive you all to prom, and when your fun was done there happily drove you all to The Beef, excited to try the sandwiches you couldn’t stop raving about.

And now the night had come to an end, the four of you all ending back up at your starting destination. You thought the media embellished high school prom a bit, but you hadn’t regretted your decision to go and were happy to have spent such a memorable night with people whose company you enjoyed.

Hayden’s arm was brushing against yours, his suit jacket almost swallowing you up. You were grateful for the jacket, the night growing colder as time went on. The two of you were calmly standing in each other’s presence, the silence not bothering either of you. Tonight with Hayden was fun, you enjoyed how goofy he was. Always doing what he could to make you smile and laugh, you were scared things might have been awkward due to the romantic undertone of the event.

“I had a really good time tonight Hayden, thank you for being my date.” You couldn’t help the shy smile on your lips, you were sure your cheeks would be sore from smiling the whole night away.

Hayden sent you a bright smile of his own head nodding along, “Me too, I’m glad you decided to ask me.” The two of you stood there for a moment just smiling at each other.

In the movies, this was usually the moment a kiss would happen. But you weren’t sure if you wanted Hayden to kiss you, you enjoyed his company and you thought he was a great guy but you didn’t feel anything romantic for him yet and didn’t want a single kiss to lead him on.

You leaned up slightly, your lips caressing his cheek as a form of thanks. “Maybe…we could hang out some other time?” If you were really going to put your happiness first it would be necessary to put yourself out there.

“I’ve got you till the end of July don’t I?” Your eyes find Hayden’s cheeky smile as his hand raised your chin. You nodded eyes searching his face, wondering what these next two months might hold for the two of you.

His thumb began to rub back and forth on your chin, your breath hitching as you watched him lean down. Mind going blank, panic filling you as you tried to figure out if this was something you wanted. You stood still, nerves racing through your body as you were about to have your first kiss.

You watched as Hayden’s eyes flicked to the side before he reluctantly stepped back, thumb brushing your chin one final time before his hand returned to its side. You followed his line of sight to see Carmy approaching, standing a little distance away to wait for you.

Turning back to Hayden you sent him one last smile, the boy pulled you into a hug engulfing you with a slight kiss pressed to the top of your head before the two of you moved apart. You quickly slipped off his jacket before handing it to him, moving back so he could get in his car. You watched as he sent Carmy a small nod in goodbye before his car disappeared down your street.

Letting out a small sigh you turned to where Carmy was waiting for you a shy smile on his face. You smiled back as you approached him the two of you walking up the sidewalk to his front door, you knew your mom and aunt would still be here at this time.

The two of you entered the house greeting the four women that were sitting in the living room having their small party. Questions were thrown at both of you about your time and making sure your dates made it home safe all the usual questions to be expected after prom. You listened as your mom told you that you would be leaving soon. Knowing that when it came to your mom soon could mean in the next five minutes or the next two hours.

Your eyes found Carmy’s as you let out a small yawn, his eyebrows raising in question before nodding towards his room. You made your way to follow him up the stairs too tired to contribute to the conversation happening in the living room.

Entering Carmy’s room you made your way to the foot of his bed to sit down, quickly removing your heels a sense of relief filling you. Dropping your heels you watched as Carmy stood by his door looking as though his mind was racing. You smiled at him patting the spot next to you, a sort of peace offering.

“How was your night, Carmy?” You watched as he made his way to sit next to you, head falling to rest on his shoulder as you awaited his response.

“It was fun, yeah, Claire was really nice.” You watched as he blushed, you might have felt a little sad any other night but right now you were too exhausted to care.

“Why didn’t you kiss Hayden?” The question hit you like a shot of espresso. You raised your head from Carmy’s shoulder trying to find his eyes as he kept his head focused on his clasped hands. “I don’t know, I don’t think it felt right.” You genuinely had no good explanation for Carmy, you didn’t even have one for yourself.

“Did you kiss Claire?” Your question came off a little more hostile than you had intended. Carmy sat up, eyes finally meeting yours as he shook his head. You felt guilty at the relief that flooded through you.

“No, it didn't feel right.” You let out a small laugh at the recycled explanation, a similar one leaving Carmy’s lips as he didn’t take his eyes off of you.

“Gosh we’re such losers,” you giggled, bumping your shoulder with Carmy’s. “I thought for sure you would’ve taken your chance to kiss Claire tonight.” You wiggled your eyebrows in a teasing manner, the ice that had been ruining your friendship this past week seemingly forgotten.

Carmy gulped as he continued to study you. “Maybe she wasn’t the girl I wanted to kiss tonight,” Carmy’s words caused your joking mood to quickly sober up, the smile disappearing from your face completely as you realized just how intently he was staring at you.

“Carmy,” your voice trailed off, not sure what the boy in front of you was getting at. You stood up needing a bit of space to understand the underlying message in Carmy’s words. “Carmy, what are you talking about?”

He followed your movements, the two of you both standing up now, faces inches apart. You couldn’t help but follow Carmy’s tongue as it quickly traced his lips, your own coming out to wet yours. The room was silent as you waited for Carmy to say something, anything. Your heart began to beat faster as the 10 words Carmy spouted in your direction gave you a sense of hope.

Your breath hitched as you watched Carmy’s hand raise, his eyes falling to your neck. You felt his fingers delicately trace the path of borrowed pearls, each touch leaving behind a whisper of something you couldn’t place. You allowed him to continue, too nervous to say anything at that moment.

His hand began to trace its way up the side of your neck, soft touch making your knees weak. He looked to be in a trance lost in the idea of you. A gasp escaped your lips as his hand gripped the side of your neck, fingers gently tugging the hair at the nape of your neck.

Carmy couldn’t explain it, but this, you standing so beautifully in his room right now, lips parted slightly as you waited for him to make the final move felt right. It felt so right it didn’t matter who either of you went to prom with, it didn’t matter that this would be the first kiss for both of you. What mattered was that it was you here with him; you who had always been with him, he would’ve given everything to be deserving of you.

The small nod of your head was the last sign Carmy needed before he surged forward capturing your lips in a harsh kiss. The two of you were so inexperienced your teeth clashed together. The roughness brought the both of you back down to earth, you couldn’t help but laugh at how awkward that first kiss was. You didn’t even think it could even be considered a kiss, more so a smack of lips against each other.

You watched the shy blush rise on Carmy’s cheeks, you could tell he was feeling self-conscious about the whole situation. Your hand raised to gently caress the hand that was still placed on the side of your neck.

Eyes locked you sent him a warm smile leaning in slightly a small whispered “c’mere” breathed between the two of you as you gently pressed your lips into his. Your eyes closed as you felt Carmy relax into the embrace, a sigh leaving his lips as he tugged you closer by the hand wrapped around your neck.

The two of you pulled apart eyes fluttering open as you drank in each other. Neither of you say anything for a moment, the room is filled with the sounds of your soft breathing. You couldn’t believe this was finally happening, all these months of unrequited feelings and secret pining, and here you were kissing Carmen Berzatto in his bedroom.

You watched as Carmy let out a shy laugh, thumb caressing the space behind your ear. Your smile matched his, the two of you watching the other with goofy smiles playing on your lips.

“Can I-,”

“Yes.”

Carmy gave you no chance to finish your sentence before he eagerly agreed and surged back in to kiss you. His lips felt like heaven against your own, you had wondered what this moment would feel like if it ever happened. If Carmy’s lips felt as soft as they looked, what would their natural taste be like?

The kiss continued as Carmy’s tongue poked out to shyly glide across your lips, you smiled into the kiss before parting your own. Easily inviting him in, the two of you languidly moved in sync, no battle to be fought as the two of you enjoyed the caress of each other’s mouths.

You couldn’t help but moan into Carmen’s mouth a hunger you didn’t know you had finally being satisfied. The small tug on your hair caused your mouth to open wider, the kiss becoming sloppy as the two of you gave in to your desires. You felt Carmy’s hand delicately trace your neck, his infatuation constantly leading him back to it.

The bite on your lip caused a harsh gasp to leave your lips, Carmy quickly pulling away at the noise. He looked at you with wide fearful eyes scared that he hurt you, ruining a good moment too soon.

“I - I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to.” Seeing Carmy so worried and vulnerable at the moment sent a thrill of warmth through your body. Your confidence grew as his faded, you took a small step into his space backing him up into the foot of the bed which caused him to resume his sitting position.

You could get used to looking down at Carmy.

You raised the hem of your dress so you could maneuver yourself into his lap, arms going to wrap around his neck. Carmy watched you like a deer in headlights, this new sense of confidence making you feel brave. As Carmy sat there like a statue you gently removed your hands from around his neck to guide his to your waist.

His hands squeezed your hips as you quickly adjusted yourself in his lap, Carmy’s eyes following the hem of your dress as it moved up more exposing your thighs. “Won’t you kiss me again Carmy?” The small whisper bounced off of Carmy’s lips due to your proximity, you watched as he rapidly nodded his head, hands squeezing your hips for dear life. You gave him a small smile before the both of you surged forward eager to be connected again.

As the kiss between you deepened you began unconsciously rolling your hips into Carmy’s the feel of his lips searing into yours making you want more. You listened as a strangled noise left Carmy’s lips before he pulled away again, you quickly stopped your ministrations.

“Is this okay, do you want me to stop?” The question caused Carmy’s head to rest against your rapidly rising and falling chest.

“No-no I-I just need a minute.” You were beginning to feel guilty, maybe you had come on too strong and Carmy was just confused about his feelings. You began moving to get off of his lap not wanting him to be any more uncomfortable than he probably was.

You stopped as a blissful sigh escaped Carmy’s lips, his eyes finally moving to meet yours. You sat there silently as the grip on your hips tightened a sigh parting your lips as Carmy bucked up into you while he guided you back and forth. The direct eye contact somehow increased the sensation between the two of you.

“I-I like it when you move like that.” You nodded along to Carmy’s words, continuing the movements yourself as Carmy’s lips found your neck trailing open-mouth kisses on any bare piece of skin he could. One hand quickly reached up, sliding the thin strap of your dress down, so he could finally appreciate your collarbones in the way they deserved.

In all honesty, neither of you had any clue what the hell you were doing, but whatever it was, it was working. No matter how messy the touches were, or how sloppily you were kissing each other every movement felt right.

Carmy was lavishing your chest and neck in any way that he could, kisses trailing over each collarbone. An impromptu bite in the space where your neck and shoulder met caused your breath to hitch. Your hips created a rhythm against his as the two of you lost yourself to the bliss.

A loud knock at the door interrupted the two of you. Carmy quickly removed his lips from your neck, doing his best to shield your body in case someone walked in. Neither of you knew how long it had been, too caught up in losing yourself to each other, too caught up to realize how far things had almost gone.

The knock sounded again as your aunt said your name, “We’re heading out, meet us downstairs.” Footsteps leading away from the door calmed the nerves both you and Carmy had been feeling, eyes peeling away from the door to match with each other.

No one said a word as the two of you stared at each other, you taking in Carmy’s flushed appearance. As he admired your disheveled figure above him, the confidence quickly left your body as you shuffled to get off of his lap.

The hand on your hip stopped you as you eyed him curiously, he slowly reached up to fix the straps that he had slid off of your shoulders, the slow shy touches caused your head to spin. He helped you stand up before adjusting the hem of your dress. You quickly glanced away as he tried to subtly adjust himself.

The shout of your name from downstairs forced you to rush to his bathroom mirror to fix any obvious differences in your appearance. By the time you came back, Carmy was holding one of his knit crew necks out for you to slip on.

His hand reached up to scratch the back of his neck, “Uhh, it's cold outside.” You smiled gratefully before slipping the crew neck on, quickly scooping up your heels as you made your way to the door. You turned around facing Carmy one last time with a wide smile on your face, you leaned in prepared to end the night with a sweet kiss.

Carmy leaned in pressing a sweet kiss to your forehead, the two of you scoring the intimate moment. Carmy couldn’t help but smile as he watched you leave wearing his knit crew neck, part of him hoping it smelled of your scent upon its return.

Carmy hadn’t expected the night to take the turn it did, but he was thanking his lucky stars that you went along, no questions asked. Neither of you knew what this meant for the future of your friendship, or if this would blossom into something more. But the two of you were both lost in the bliss of your actions to think too long on it for the rest of the night.

Sunday Evening

You hadn’t seen much of Carmy over the rest of the weekend, instead spending the free time with your mom and aunt. You also weren’t quite sure how to approach him, and the fact that he hadn’t approached you either signified you were both at a standstill, neither of you sure how to broach the topic.

It was Sunday evening and you were on your way to The Beef picking up an extra shift after Mikey called to ask if you could come in. Richie had to leave early for whatever the hell he did in his spare time.

As you parked in the back lot, you were surprised to see Carmy sneaking through the back door. Your heart began to thud a little faster, it was stupid, but you hadn’t thought you’d be seeing him so soon. You sat there for a moment calming your nerves, you were sure the conversation wouldn’t be brought up while you were working, but maybe Carmy came here looking for you specifically.

You got out of your car, locking it behind you before entering the establishment. Quickly punching your time card before grabbing one of the spare aprons and heading to check in with Mikey.

The dinner rush would be starting soon and since Richie was gone you’d have to balance working the cashier and running food to the diners. You walked around, head popping into the office to let Mikey know you were there.

The two of you crashed into each other as he was making his way to the kitchen, arms shooting out to steady you so you didn’t fall.

“Thanks for coming Baby, but uh if you wanna go home I won’t stop you.” You watched Mikey awkwardly scratch the back of his head, eyes darting around the kitchen as he watched the controlled chaos ensue. Surprise etching your features, not used to Mikey being the awkward Berzatto in your life.

“No, I don’t mind kind of needed to get out of the house anyways,” you smiled at home before heading to the front to take care of the line that was beginning to form.

Most of the orders were for takeout so you hadn’t been rushing back and forth too much. But the Johnsons, an old couple who ate dinner here every Sunday, was your first dine-in order, the two greeting you before heading back to their favorite table.

You turned to the window waiting for the order you had already given, watching as Tina made her way to you apprehensively.

“I can run this for you Mama if you want me to.” You shook your head sending her a smile before taking the two red baskets from her hand and making your way to the dining area, eyes instantly spotting the older couple.

“Two famous Italian beef sandwiches for my favorite regulars,” you smiled down at the couple setting a tray in front of each one respectively.

“Say, honey, isn’t that your little friend over there?” You watched as the woman subtly pointed at another table, you and her partner both taking in the scene in front of you.

You felt a wide smile spreading over your face as you took in Carmy’s figure, the shyness exuding off of him. His lips brandishing a small smile, it took the laughter of his table mate to slap the rose-colored glasses off your face.

So caught up in your infatuation with the boy you’d been crushing on and finally got to kiss the other night, you hardly noticed Claire.

The two women sitting at the table in front of you sharing a knowing look, guilt seeping through as they alerted you to something you’d rather be ignorant to.

“I’m so sorry honey, I didn’t mean to upset you. Mabel been telling me I oughta learn when to shut my big mouth. If I ain’t listen 20 years ago I sure wasn’t gone figure it out by now.” You let out a sad pathetic laugh at Ms. Sadie’s explanation doing your best to compartmentalize your feelings.

“Shame though Baby, that boys missing out on something good. You looked at that boy like he parted the heavens and earth. My Mabel used to look at me like that, you know, the only thing she looks at like that now is cake and these damn beef sandwiches.” Ms. Sadie’s laugh unconsciously draws one of your own, finally taking your attention from Carmy and Claire.

“Oh hush up now Sadie and let the girl get back to work,” another watery laugh escaped your lips. “Talking this sweet girl's ear off like she wants to listen to you on top of watching the boy she loves on a date.”

Your head shot to Ms. Mabel’s slightly taken aback by her word choice, she settled you with a look. “Don’t go giving me that look now. You may be foolin' that boy and yourself but you ain’t foolin' anyone with eyes baby.” You let her reach out to gently pat your hand, the two women in front of you made it hard to keep your calm facade up.

“You gone on and head home Baby, and if Michael has a problem with it you let him know Ms. Mabel and Ms. Sadie said it was okay.” You let out a real laugh, the sound caught the one boy’s attention you didn’t care for right now.

“And tell your momma to stop by if she’s ever feeling up for it,” you sent the couple a small smile nodding your head. “Yes ma’am, you two enjoy the rest of your night.” With that, you began your journey out of the dining room.

You stopped as you heard Claire call out your name, turning inside the doorway as she sent you a wave, returning a small one as you purposefully avoided giving Carmy any attention.

You made your way into the kitchen no one needed to ask what was wrong as they took in your somber mood. You silently slid into the walk-in, maybe it was unsanitary but you didn’t think you could face anyone as you finally let the first sob wrack your body.

The fact that you knew this incident wouldn’t change your friendship with him irritated you to no end. But you cared for him so much that you just couldn’t force yourself to quit him. Maybe this move was what you needed, the time spent apart would allow you to discover who you were outside of Carmen Berzatto. You would do your best to allow the friendship between the two of you to keep flourishing, but whatever Carmy decided was best for him, you’d just have to live with it.

You hadn’t realized how long you were standing in the walk-in until Mikey entered. Body engulfing yours in a hug as his warmth radiated through you. The older Berzatto allowed you to stain his shirt in tears, neither of you saying a word as the sound of your sorrow painted the walk-in.

The youngest Berzatto’s hand stilled on the door handle as he listened to your faint cries. His own heart broke as he realized that he hurt you again. Head hitting against the exterior of the door, he didn’t deserve you, didn’t know if he ever would. Carmy forced himself to listen to your faint sobs wanting to console you at this moment but not knowing where the two of you stood.

Two friends stood on opposite sides of a steel door, hearts breaking in unison as it felt like everything was fighting against what they both wanted. July would come and they would part ways, promises whispered to stay in contact and remain friends, neither soul knowing what the years apart would have in store for them.

a/n: i apologize if anything in this chapter doesn't make sense or is wonky, i've been editing for 3 days straight and i feel like i can't read english anymore. hope you enjoyed! i also have a whole playlist if anyone is interested!

taglist: @hawkins-2000 @elliesbabygirl @allbark-no-bite @anakinswh0re3005 @rexorangecouny @thecraziestcrayon @fruitcupsworld @nishinoyahhh @lilylovelyxo @ridingthehotmessexpress @noas-ark @jadeittic @hellokittyever @luvr-bunnyy @sxgees @fandomhopped @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @kravitzwhore @chanluuvr @readingwiththereids @chims-kookies @ladygrey03 @ferida-kahlo @wanderlustnightwanderer @how2besalty @armydrcamers @jointherebellion215 @jackierose902109 @blkbxrbie-esther @ajordan2020 @head-slut-in-charge @magnet-girl @thebookwormlife @sevikasblackgf @writers-hes @senassn

unable to tag: @khena @kailyn-g05 @ovaqma @fire-treasure-iii @frequentnosebleeder @gcidrvsh @awatt31 @cauliflowerpatch

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto angst #carmen berzatto x you #the bear x reader #carmy the bear #carmy x reader #carmen berzatto fluff #all i ever knew only you ₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊#[aiekoy] interlude one #the bear fic #carmen berzatto

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urgonnaneedabiggership · 11 months

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And All The Fears You Hold So Dear

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara (Spiderman: Across The Spiderverse) x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Language. Angst. Unplanned Pregnancy. Mild violence. Also there's like a smidge of nsfw talk there but thought I'd let you know beforehand just in case.

Word count: 4.3K

A/N: Part Three and Final Installment of something that started as a one-shot and somehow escalated into this¿¿

I just want to thank you for all your very kind comments and let you know that I got a couple requests that I'll be working on, so this might not be the last you see of me. Ily <3

also i cried so much writing this now you have to suffer like i did. xo

Right after the tears finally stopped coming, the emotional exhaustion translated into an intense weariness that made you collapse on the sofa. That hour spent out of consciousness was a blissful interlude in the pain that had your chest hurting and leaving you unable to breathe. You’d once read somewhere that there was something called “phantom limb syndrome” in which people could feel pain in an amputated hand, arm, or leg. When you woke up, you looked out at the now dark sky and thought of giving Miguel a call to tell him about what an awful day you were having until the memories came back like a harrowing tsunami that had you tearing up when you wondered for how long you’d have to keep reminding yourself that he wasn’t there anymore. This time, however, you became angry. And oddly self-assured.

You didn’t need him. You’d given him a choice, and if a sad, pitiful, lonely life was what he wanted, then good riddance. His loss.

You could do this. Jessica’s pregnancy hadn’t stopped her after all. Sure, it would be challenging but there were mothers out there who took care of one or more children and balanced several jobs didn’t they? So what if you moonlighted as a vigilante whose life was on the line every day? What if you’d have to spend the rest of your life protecting him or her from the bunch of fairly dangerous enemies you’d made in the past months?

Or maybe you didn’t have to.

Your eyes wandered off to your suit which you’d mindlessly thrown on the floor the second you’d arrived home, scrutinizing the details and the care that you’d put into creating it. You wondered what it would look like inside a box, hidden in the back of the closet for years, or until your kid stumbled upon it and asked about mommy’s dutifully hidden past.

An obnoxious beeping sound coming from between the cushions snapped you out of your fantasy as you fished your watch. You hadn’t even realized you’d taken it with you and now it was issuing a warning concerning an anomaly with an amazing timing that had decided to pop into your dimension.

Placing a hand on your stomach, you looked out of the window and doubtfully pressed your lips together.

“Shit. Please, let it be a Vulture that’s literally a vulture, please,” you pleaded with whatever deity chose to listen to you as you picked up your suit and rushed to the bathroom, mindlessly throwing the test into the trash can before pulling the mask over your head.

Unfortunately, you didn’t arrive at the location to find a confused scavenging bird flapping around. You weren’t even sure of what you’d been sent to capture. At the scene, several police cars had formed a barricade outside of an empty warehouse and seemed to be lying in wait, aiming at the door with their guns. Good. That meant you could get in there and set things straight with the unwanted visitor before anybody got hurt.

You stealthily made your way from a nearby ledge to the roof, finding your way in through a broken skylight and landing on top of a pile of metallic crates solid enough to hold your weight but making your entrance noisier than you would’ve liked.

Whatever you were looking for, it was nowhere to be seen. The warehouse was in such darkness that, if it wasn’t for the night-vision lenses Miguel had fitted into your mask, you wouldn’t be able to see further than your own nose. They had come in pretty handy, and you couldn’t believe you’d been so opposed to getting them.

“(Y/N) it’s just one small modification, give me one reason not to.”

“Because you’ve already done too much!”

“Oh come on, it will take me what? Twenty minutes?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean you’ve done too much to my suit, Miguel. First, the emergency parachute, next the spine and nape reinforcements, then you literally said ‘You know what? How about we just redo the whole thing with fireproof fabric?’ and now another modification?”

“He added memory foam insoles too, said you wouldn’t notice, I’m with you on this one” Lyla chimed in.

You pressed your lips together to fight back a satisfied smile while Miguel glared daggers at the AI assistant, who refused to back down.

“She still remembers please and thank you, alright?”

“Lyla, will you please go check if there’s a faulty connection or a leaky pipe somewhere? Thank you.”

After throwing a sickly sweet smile his way, she vanished.

“Alright then,” Miguel continued arguing, “I’m sorry for offering to install state-of-the-art, potentially lifesaving enhancements to your suit. What was I thinking, not wanting my girlfriend to die?”

He lifted his hands in defeat and retreated to the other side of the room, minimizing the digital blueprints of the new glasses.

“And for the record,” He continued, “I didn’t do all the work for your new suit, you designed it, remember? I had no idea of what a ‘basque waistline’ was,”

When he finished talking, he was surprised to hear absolutely nothing coming from your side. Furrowing his eyebrows, he turned to see you still leaning against the metallic table on top of which your suit rested. You were staring at him with a surprised expression that only baffled him further when he noticed the bright blush spreading around your cheeks and down to your neck. Then it dawned on him.

“Oh shit, I’ve never called you that before, have I?”

“No, you haven’t,”

Of course, that small window of vulnerability was all he needed.

“Please let me put the lenses on your suit?”

What he didn’t know was that you can see both ways through a window. When he earnestly pleaded with you to let him install the stupid attachment, his true motives were as clear as if you’d heard them straight from his mouth.

Last time I wasn’t careful enough. I didn’t plan ahead. If something happens to you and I have the slightest notion that I didn’t do absolutely everything in my power to keep you safe…please. Do this for me, would you? For my own, selfish peace of mind?

And he’d been right. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw something dart from behind one container to the next one.

“I see you,” You announced, rolling your shoulders as your Spider-Sense began acting up, “Listen, you’re probably feeling confused right now and if you come out we could…”

You couldn’t even finish the sentence as something heavy and cold tackled you onto the ground. Instinctively, you rolled over just in time for something sharp the size of a harpoon to stab the ground next to your head strong enough to pierce the concrete. Without wasting one more second, you jumped on top of a container to take a better look at whatever the hell that was just to find that same spot completely empty. Whatever it was, it was fast. Wincing at the sharp pain in your shoulder, you reminded yourself you had to be more careful and avoid taking strong hits like that.

However, you couldn’t afford to be distracted right now. And, as if to affirm that thought as quickly as it came, your sense warned you of something coming at you from behind. Before it could take you by surprise again, you swiftly moved out of the way and shot webs twice to try and pin it down so you could at least take a good look at what you were up against.

“What in the…?” You gasped as you stared at what you’d captured. Before you, a 20-foot-long pale yellow scorpion furiously trashed about as it tried to free itself from your webs. Not even five seconds after you spotted it, the critter broke free of its restraints and disappeared behind another container. Well, reasoning and trying to bring him in peacefully wasn’t going to work with this one. For now, you knew that it was going to try and keep attacking you, so the best you could do for now was to keep an eye on him before he could plunge that hideous stinger through your forehead. Especially since the little shit was remarkably fast. What was that thing Miguel always told you to do?

“No, remember. You’ve got to think further, think two steps ahead,”

“You know, Miguel, repeating that a million times isn’t going to suddenly give me the ability to see ten seconds into the future,” you muttered, taking the hand he reached out to help you get up. With a wince, you placed a hand on your shoulder and rolled it until it popped.

“It’s not about seeing into the future, (Y/N), it’s about finding unprotected spots and patterns,”

“How come outside I’m love, gorgeous or mi chiquita preciosa de ojitos bonitos, but the minute we’re in here I’m back to being (Y/N),”

“First of all, that last one never happened, we agreed on it, I was in…a vulnerable…”

“You were drunk, you can say it, I won’t tell,”

He glared at you in a way you knew meant ‘won’t you?’. Hopefully, he’d never find out you’d told Peter every last detail of his drunken silliness as soon as you had the chance.

“Second of all, here you’re just like anybody else. You mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to you because that’s how the attackers are going to see you, as an obstacle to get out of the way. Now focus. I’m going to attack you again,”

While knowing beforehand he was going to come at you gave you some advantage, you managed to block the blow he launched at your head. Before he could try again, you noticed his next attempt at an attack was leaving his legs completely exposed. Then, you did what Jess had taught you to do whenever you faced somebody taller than you: go for the knees. You crouched and, with a classic foot sweep, managed to make him lose his balance just enough for you to hook your legs on either side of his and take him down.

You were so tired you couldn’t even gloat properly, instead settling for smiling to yourself and releasing a short, triumphant, ‘ha!’ with your last breath before crawling over to him and sitting next to his lying body.

“You know, if I’m supposed to think two movements ahead,” You say, a beckoning look in your eyes, “I think it’s safe to predict you’re going tell me that there’s nothing more you can teach me, and then carry me to your quarters to do absolutely unspeakable things to me,”

Honestly, it had been stupid of you to think he would give up that easily. Not even two seconds later, it was your back that was pressed against the floor as his large frame covered you, and his hand held your wrists on top of your head. Then he leaned in, painfully slowly, until he was close enough for you to feel the heat that radiated from his skin, a low chuckle left his throat.

“Chula, you don’t know half of all the things I can teach you. But this isn’t the place for most of them. Let’s get moving.”

Thankfully, you forced your brain to focus on the matter at hand before it could replay the entire memory.

Two steps ahead (Y/N), come on.

That thing always attacked with the stinger first. Then it would probably try to immobilize you with its pincers. Quickly tracing a plan inside your head, you started to roam the dark warehouse looking for the missing critter, your spider-sense as sharp as ever as you looked behind every crate and container only to find nothing. Maybe it had left the building without you noticing? Outside, the police still remained alert and in wait. There was no way it could have left without being seen.

Fine. If you couldn’t find him, then he could come and find you. Making your way to the center of the empty space, you remained perfectly still and waited for your sense to tell you where the beast was coming from. The wait was short-lived as you felt a sharp wave of shivers running down your right arm, your entire body shifting to face that side just in time to shoot enough web to completely wrap the entire stinger and leave enough web for you to jump and throw over a beam, leaving the scorpion hanging upside down while aggressively pinching the air around him with its pincers. Unwilling to take any risks, you covered them as well. You had to stand there and catch your breath for a few seconds before looking over to your watch to report you’d successfully captured the anomaly. Only then you had the chance to see that you had several missing calls from Peter.

“(Y/N)?” Peter asked when the call went in almost immediately, “Where have you been? I tried calling but you didn’t answer,”

“Yeah, sorry for going AWOL. I’ve been…busy. I caught something back here. I just reported it,” Behind you, you could hear the scorpion still struggling to free itself, “It’s an ugly one, Mayday’s going to love it.”

“(Y/N), listen, I think you should come back here. You and Miguel should try to talk…”

“P.B., I love you but I really don’t want to talk about that right now. Okay? How about you come over here and help me drag this feisty little shit back to the HQ so we can send it home? You won’t believe it; it has to weigh at least…”

When you turned around to proudly stare at your prisoner, you were met with nothing but a lone stinger, eerily dangling from the ceiling. Your proud smile faded as quickly as it had arrived. Before you could open your eyes to say anything else, you found yourself trapped between two cold surfaces that painfully squeezed all the air out of your lungs as you let out a painful yell. You desperately grabbed each side of the pincer, trying to pry them open to release yourself to no avail. With your brain already starting to run low on oxygen, your strength began to fade. You heard Peter questioningly say your name from the device still attached to your wrist, but he sounded as if you’d been submerged underwater. And his voice sounded as if it was further, and further away. You were falling into a deep and dark lake, air deprived and without enough strength to swim to the surface. So you let yourself sink further, close your eyes and let darkness engulf you as you keep going down.

You’d wondered once or twice what would come after life. Since there was no way for you to be certain about anything, you decided to believe what sounded the most comforting. You would wake up in a beautiful place, full of light, that smelled like freshly baked cookies all the time because you would be sitting at a kitchen table with all the people that you lost along the way, and it was time for all of you to have cookies with whatever you wanted to drink, maybe you just hung out in silence, or you would discuss all the wisdom that the act of passing away seemed to come with…the point was that in no scenario did heaven smell like antiseptic.

This discrepancy was what made you start slowly blinking as you furrowed your eyebrows, the intense white light surrounding you making your head spin. Eventually, you were able to discern some shadows that slowly morphed into a familiar face.

“Hey, welcome back,” Jessica gently greeted you from a chair in the corner of the room. The hospital room. Like they’d done hours before when you woke up from your nap, a new wave of unpleasant memories came crashing down once more as you tried to sit up with a worried expression.

“Is…are we both okay?” It wasn’t until you tried to ask that you noticed a certain reluctance at saying the word.

“Yes, don’t worry,” Jess immediately assured you. Then why did she look so troubled?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She asked, rolling her chair closer and grabbing your hand gently, “Honey, of all people you know I would’ve understood,”

“Jess, I’m so scared,” Was all you came up with before shutting your eyes and clamping your lips together to keep the sobs inside, tears already beginning to fall from your cheeks, “This wasn’t supposed to happen, I don’t know how I’m going to handle this, how am I supposed to do this if I can’t even take down a lousy scorpion without getting myself killed?”

With a reassuring smile, the woman tried to hug you as much as her pregnancy allowed her, comfortingly running one hand down your hair and rubbing your back with the other.

“See? You’re great at this already and your kid isn’t even here,” You sobbed against her shoulder, too exhausted to return the embrace.

“What makes you think you won’t be?” She asked, pulling away to give you some space and much-needed room to breathe.

And you knew the exact reason. It came to you so fast and with such clarity that it scared you. But maybe she would understand that too. However, right as you opened your mouth to speak, a soft click coming from the door interrupted you right before it opened, leaving you completely exposed to the thorough, scrutinizing look of the man that hours ago you thought you’d never lay eyes on again.

You turned at Jess, hoping she’d create an excuse for him to leave you alone. You weren’t done talking to her. You desperately wanted her to stay. However, she’d already turned to look at him and left her chair.

“I’ll give you a moment,” She said and, after gently caressing your shoulder one last time, left the room.

And then there were two.

For the life of you, you couldn’t think of one single thing to say, much less anticipate what his next move would be. Yet, your eyes never left his. Your jaw hurt from how hard you had to clench it to keep yourself from bursting into tears again. Fuck, could the hormones be acting up already? Right when you were starting to wonder if, should neither of you say something, you would just stay there in this staring contest until the end of time, Miguel spoke.

“How long have you known?”

“A day. Or so.” You blurted out so quickly that he wasn’t done speaking when you replied. It wasn’t until his eyes left yours and wandered down that you realized you’d been clutching your pale blue gown the entire time. As you slowly let go of it, you realized your hands were shaking.

“And you didn’t say anything?” He asked again, his voice turning one octave higher right in the middle of the question.

“Well, I found out not so long ago, and immediately after I was called here to help so I thought we had bigger problems and this could wait. But then you said we had been a mistake all along so I imagined I was on my own for this one. And I think that pretty much covers it.”

Silently, he took a seat on the chair next to the hospital bed.

“There’s something you’re not telling me,” He replied, not looking at you but at an empty spot on the wall, “Back there, when I realized you were gone something didn’t make sense. You’ve pushed back much harder for less important things and now you just turned around and left? And with this, it makes even less sense. Even out of spite, you would’ve told me before leaving.”

You hated how well he knew you, and how right he was. And how what he said didn’t make you angry, but instead make you confront the harrowing confession you’d left unfinished before he walked in.

“What if you were right?” You asked taking a deep, shaky breath, “I didn’t intend for this to happen, you know? It just did. What we had was manageable because at least it was just between us, no third parties affected, if anything went wrong with the timeline and such we could call it off and that was that. But now there was something tangible real coming out of this and I panicked because what if it messed everything up? What if we’d made a mistake? But I just didn’t want to think about it until you sort of confirmed it,”

You weren’t going to cry. You refused to cry in front of him while having this conversation. You tried to focus on anything else to cope with his seemingly endless silence, anything but his slouching shape next to you. The soft fabric of your sheets, or the faint whirring of the monitor next to you displaying your vitals. Now you focused on your breaths. Long, deep breaths.

“So,” He finally spoke in a hoarse voice you were sure you’d never heard before, and you were so taken aback by it that you turned to look at him before you could stop yourself to find a strange, oddly endearing sight. He was crying. Well, maybe that was a bit of a stretch but there were definitely tears in his eyes and even if he was better at hiding it, you were sure he was struggling to keep them confined there as much as you were. Suddenly self-aware of the change in his voice, he cleared his throat before continuing.

“So, we’re having a baby?”

He sounded so expectant, and yet so afraid of the answer. He was absolutely terrified. You could see it in his eyes. This man, who faced life-risking challenges every day and had seen enough for several lifetimes, had never seemed so frightened. The thought, for some reason, made you laugh as you shuddered when you released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Seems like it,” came the reply in such a croaky voice that it left you no choice but to laugh a little bit more.

This time he laughed too, although you could barely catch a glimpse of his smile before being engulfed in a hug that made you wish you weren’t in such a state so you could pull him as close to you as you really wanted. Instead, you settled for resting your forehead against his shoulder as he pulled away enough to plant several small and warm kisses on your temple.

“I’m sorry,” He whispered, “God, I swear I didn’t mean one single word. Whatever happens next, we’ll deal with it as it comes, I don’t care, right now all I know is none of this would’ve been worth it if it hadn’t brought me here to you,”

“Hey, don’t get sentimental on me, O’Hara,” you jokingly said, pulling away to be able to look into his eyes, “We’re going to be just fine,”

“I won’t if you keep doing stupid shit like this, (Y/N), ¿qué carajos te pasa? ‘we’re going to be just fine’ Claro, si por tu culpa no me da un infarto primero,“ He scolded you, leaving his seat, “You know you’re benched, right? You’re staying right here, where I can keep an eye on you and make sure you stay out of trouble,”

“What about my dimension? There are plenty of non-interdimensional criminals there desperate to be caught,” You complained.

“Well, I’m afraid the NYPD’s going to have to figure it out for themselves for the next few months. Might even teach them to appreciate you a little more.”

“And if there’s another anomaly?”

“Dios mío, mujer,” He impatiently argued back, “I’ll go then. Or we’ll send somebody else. You’re staying here. Period.”

“Fine,” You huffed, not pleased at all with the order despite knowing you’d been very lucky this time, “But just for three months,”

“Six,” He stubbornly insisted.

“Five, but Peter’s going to be the godfather and you have to tell him.”

A disgruntled sigh echoes throughout the room.

“Fine,”

Taglist: @anywherebuthere @khaleesihavilliard @spookyboogyuniverse @sunshiines-stuff @letharue @withbeautyandrage

#miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x y/n #miguel o'hara fic #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x female reader #spiderman across the spiderverse #marvel imagine #marvel fanfiction #spiderman 2099 #spiderman atsv #across the spiderverse #atsv #angst #female reader #reader insert #Spotify

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operator-report · 3 months

Text

In middle school, I read a short story for English class called Flowers for Algernon. Maybe you’ve read it, too. In the story, a disabled man named Charlie is given a medicine that cures his disability. Over the course of the story, he comes to realize that his “cure” is temporary and that he will “regress” into being disabled again. The story makes it clear that this is a tragedy. As a disabled teenager when I first read it, the story affected me deeply.

I’d like to talk about David and Noelle.

Content warnings for discussion of suicide, self-harm, ableism and eating disorders below the cut. Spoilers for Worm through arc 27.

When I was first reading arc 18, one of the things that stuck out to me is how much time the story spends on Eidolon. For me, it was the first time I paid much attention to him - prior to that, Eidolon was just an extremely powerful background character to me. But in arc 18, we learn that (1) Eidolon is losing his powers and (2) he believes that fighting Echidna will allow him to tap into some sort of reservoir to bring them back.

We find this out, of course, through Tattletale exposing him, which is always an extremely embarrassing event for Tattletale’s target. It makes it extremely clear that what Eidolon is doing is pathetic. He is going to kill a teenage girl so he can feel something.

Which would be messed up enough, right? We don’t need to make this even worse, right? Wrong. Because Wildblow has spent the last several thousand words building up the Case 53s as X-Men style metaphors for oppressed groups, and one of the forms of oppression that Wildblow generally writes well is ableism. I think you can consider most, if not all of the Case 53s as disabled in some way. I think the link is extremely clear with Noelle.

Noelle doesn’t get her powers from traditional Cauldron human experimentation - at least, not directly. Instead, she and Krouse are facing what is, to them, a no-win scenario. They’re quarantined with limited access to medical care. Breaching this quarantine would permanently render them criminals. If Noelle survives her surgery, which is a pretty big if, she’ll become disabled, in a way that both Krouse and Noelle agree is ugly and undesirable. She won’t be able to do “boyfriend-girlfriend stuff” because she won’t be “any good to look at, after.”

Krouse and Noelle are terrified of death, yes, but they’re also terrified of disability. They are desperate for control over Noelle’s body, control that, as of that moment, only the state has. (Remember the quarantine?) Krouse pressures Noelle into drinking the vial. Noelle is cured.

Noelle’s cure does not last. In attempting to assert control, her body becomes uncontrollable. Her body is her trauma and her eating disorder made literal. She still needs care.

Worm would be bad if this is why her life sucks. But Worm does something better, instead. Noelle goes through hell, not just due to the sheer difficulty of having her power, but because of the way her teammates and Coil treat her. They talk about Noelle like she’s already dead. They’re ashamed of bringing her the food she needs. When Krouse “includes” Noelle in a discussion in arc 12, it’s mostly perfunctory. They do not believe Noelle is human any longer. They lock her away.

Noelle doesn’t want to be put in a cage. Noelle doesn’t want to be dehumanized. In interlude 18, when we get insight into Noelle’s thoughts, we learn that what Noelle is angry about is the fact that Krouse locked her in a concrete bunker and placated her. When she tells people not to look at her, there’s a coda to that sentence that she doesn’t get to verbalize: don’t look at me like that.

This is the person who Eidolon is going to kill.

Via the Simurgh, this is a person Eidolon has unknowingly created.

A few thousand words of Worm go by. It’s Gold Morning. Eidolon is fighting Scion. Now, at the end of the book, we finally get substantial insight into David, the man behind the mask.

David takes a Cauldron vial to cure his disability. David sees this as the only way out, after an unsuccessful application to join the military, and then, an unsuccessful suicide attempt. David is bearing an immense amount of shame and internalized ableism. David is worried that father’s friends are watching him. (Don’t look at me.) David cleaves the world into two kinds of people: those who can have jobs, who are liked and respected because they are useful; and people like him, who are useless.

It’s a terrible way to think. Without that worldview, how could a person not take the vial? David wants to be used, because David wants to be useful. He never gets the independence he craves – not when he’s in that level of debt to Cauldron – but he gets to be useful, and that’s one of the best things you can be.

Like Noelle’s, like Charlie’s in Flowers, David’s cure doesn’t work. His abilities are wearing off. He is essentially told, when Doctor Mother administers his booster shots, that his medicine is too expensive.

Cauldron creates Noelle. David, as Cauldron’s soldier, has a role to play in her creation. David knows exactly what he is doing to Noelle. It happened to him. Worm fandom talks a lot about David being a father. He’s a father in more ways than one. (David’s father is always watching him.) (Don’t look at me.)

Cauldron never cures David’s ableism. In his world, you can be useful, or you can die. David asks Noelle if she wants to win. Noelle tells him no. You can have a job, or you can kill yourself. When David tries to kill Noelle to help himself, isn’t that a mercy?

Of course it isn’t. It goes without saying that all of this is extremely fucked up. When it comes to disability, “cure” is a complicated concept. I’m not going to get into all the ways it can be treated; this post is already a thousand words long. But I do think that Worm, through Noelle and David and the concept of the Cauldron vial, provides an extremely vivid picture of the problems with cure.

Under ableist logic, when you have a disability, a cure is something you’re expected to want. Without it, the story goes, you can’t be useful. You can’t do boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. The expectation is social, like the act of staring. Your desire for it should drive how you organize your life – it is control, like a quarantine. David is crushed by that expectation. He throws his lot in with Cauldron, the cure-makers. The expectation is passed along to Noelle, and even though David can recognize that inheritance, he cannot imagine any other way to respond to it other than attempted murder.

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned that Flowers for Algernon is a tragedy. The reason that story has stuck with me so long is that I keep going back and forth as to why. Is it a tragedy because Charlie goes back to being disabled? There’s a good chance that’s what the author intended. I don’t know. It would be a pretty shitty story if that were the case. Is it a tragedy because people only treat Charlie well when he’s “cured,” and when that stops, he’ll go back to abuse? Seems plausible. I don’t think there’s one right answer. Regardless, when you’re disabled, there’s an immense pressure to seek out a cure, and a cognizable loss when it is withheld. The fact that Worm captures that social pressure and social loss so well is extremely compelling for me, and I’m going to be thinking about these characters for a long time.

#worm #parahumans #wormblr #eidolon #noelle meinhardt #any errors or omissions in this post are due to me reading interlude 27 like 3 hours ago #shoutout to tumblr user artbyblastweave for writing excellent eidolon meta that inspired this one #i would also give a shoutout to my friend who convinced me to read worm but i already shout at her enough. enjoy. thanks for the worms

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lakesbian · 2 months

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i have had like 10 friends rec worm to me but nobody’s given me a good like, gist of its vibe and what its abt because ‘its best blind’, could u please give a like brief summary and vibe check of it 😭 it’s so long i dont wanna try and invest that much time without knowing much abt it

so, worm is a 1.7 million word long webserial written in 2010. 1.7 million words seems like a lot, but it was also written over a relatively short period of time, which means the writing style is very easy to parse--the ideas aren't without complexity, but the language itself isn't intimidatingly dense. you can get through it at a very decent pace. i agree with your friends that there are vast portions of worm that hit best when you're unspoiled, but the thing is that worm is long enough that giving you the basic plot pitch is in no way spoilers for any of the things that i wouldn't want to see spoiled for someone. i'm actually kind of baffled they're not telling you Any Thing, because it is in my estimation one of the best books i've ever read, but it also Needs a briefing before you get into it for like five different reasons. which i will now provide. i swear to god this is brief by my standards it's just that i am very thorough

worm is a story about superheroes and supervillains, set in a world where superpowers are traumagenic--rather than appearing randomly or innately, some people gain powers after a traumatizing event happens to them. the protagonist is taylor hebert, a 15yo girl who has the power to control insects and desperately wants to be a superhero. and then accidentally finds herself scouted by a team of teenage villains instead. who's to say how she's going to react to all that!

one of the most compelling things about worm is that the superpowers in it serve as visceral, hyper-literal metaphors for the trauma and traumatized coping mechanisms of the characters with those powers. each power is incredibly specific and thematically relevant to the person who has it, and it's incredibly interesting and evocative. it feels so natural and well-done that it comes off like how superpowers are just meant to be written.

the fact that superpowers stem from trauma also means that worm is fundamentally a narrative about trauma. specifically, about traumatized teenagers and the relationships they form as they cling together while struggling through growing up traumatized & mutually coping with an increasingly intriguing, intense, and far-reaching escalating plot. worm's depictions of trauma + mental illness--including unpalatable trauma responses, including traumatized characters who are allowed to be complicated and nuanced and messy while still receiving narrative respect--are deeply real-feeling and impactful, and they're placed in the context of a well-spun + engaging story.

i really do have to stress how excellent the character writing is. worm is fully deserving of being as long as it is. over the course of 1.7 million words of character development, the average reader's reaction to the main characters goes from "sorta interesting" to "okay, i want to see where this goes" to "augh...really likable" to "i am now on hands and knees crying and these characters are going to stick around in my brain forever." wildbow has incredible talent for efficiently conveying complicated, real-feeling, and viscerally evocative characterization. many of the interlude chapters (chapters written from the perspective of different characters other than taylor) are so interesting, fleshed-out, and emotionally affecting that they make you wish you could read an entire novel about just the side character being featured. with that level of characterization for just the side cast, it's not surprising that taylor (& co) are genuinely just downright iconic. and i do not say that lightly--taylor is truly one of the best-written protagonists i've seen in anything. ever.

the other main pitch-point for worm is that it's a fascinating deconstruction/reconstruction/examination of the conceits of the superhero genre. it answers the question of--what would the world have to be like, for people with superpowers to act the way they do in classic cape media? and it does this well enough that it's interesting even if you have only a passing familiarity with cape media. i am not a big superhero media fan, but worm addresses virtually every aspect of cape media that was under the sun around 2010 in a way that's so interesting i still find it incredibly engaging. the approach it takes makes the narrative very accessible even to people who aren't usually cape media fans.

and speaking of the narrative: the end of the story is coherent and satisfying and deeply thematically resonant*. the way worm follows through on all of its main mysteries & plot threads is excellent. you don't have to worry about getting thru 1.7 million words and being dissatisfied by the author shitting the bed at the end, or anything like that. he does an amazing job of weaving together plot events in a way that makes each successive one feel rationally, thematically, and emotionally connected to what came before. there's really only one part where i feel the story stumbles a bit, but i think it was the best option he had for the narrative, and it's by no means a dealbreaker. it's in fact really impressive how cohesive and satisfying worm is for such a long webserial released over such a brief period of time.

*this is subjective ive seen some people who didnt love it but ive never seen anyone who downright Hated it who didnt also demonstrate egregious misunderstanding of literally everything worm is about. so thats a good sign

as for the downsides of worm/things that might put you off:

there is a very long list of trigger warnings for it. if you have any trigger warnings you want you should ask your friends to let you know about the relevant parts, because the fact that it's About Trauma (& about typical cape media circumstances presented very seriously) means that traumatic and violent things & their realistic aftermath are constantly happening and/or being discussed. i would not classify worm as needlessly dark or spiteful to the audience by any means, but it is intense and covers a lot of heavy topics. i do assume if your friends are all recommending it to you, they think none of the material would be too much for you, though!

worm was written in 2010 by a white cishet guy from canada. it's typical levels of 2010-era bigoted, it has a deeply lesbophobic stereotype character, it has some atrociously racist stereotype characters, the author really hates addicts, It's Got Blind Spots. i think worm is generally fully worth reading despite these, but very fair warning that it can get bad. i think what exacerbates this is that worm is generally extremely nuanced & sympathetic regarding ideas such as "crime is a result of systematic circumstance vs people just being inherently evil" and "mentally ill people who are traumatized in unpalatable ways are still deserving of fundamental respect as human beings" and so on and so forth, so it's extra noticeable and insufferable when you get to a topic the author has unexamined biases on and all that nuance drops out. the worst part is that a lot of this is most concentrated in the early arcs, so you have to get through them without being super attached to any of the characters yet. it is worth it though.

worm like. Does have a central straight relationship in it. and it's a very well written straight relationship for the most part and i like it quite a lot. but worm also passes the bechdel test with such flying colors that it enters 'unintentionally homoerotic' territory. which means a lot of people were shipping the main character ms taylor hebert with her female friends while the story was being released. which caused the author to get so mad he 1. posted a word of god to a forum loudly insisting that all of the girls are straight and 2. inserted a few deeply awkward and obvious and out of character scenes where he finds an excuse for the girls to more or less turn to the camera and go "i'm not gay, btw. this is platonic." This is fucking insufferable, and will piss you off immensely, but then you will get to any of the number of deeply emotionally affecting scenes between them, and at that point you will be too busy sniffling piteously and perhaps crytyping an analysis post on tumblr to be mad about all that other shit. also they're only a couple tiny portions out of an entire overall fantastic novel

overall: if those points don't sound like dealbreakers (i hope they aren't they're really massively outstripped by the amount of devastatingly good moments in worm, worm still has a thriving fandom over a decade later for a reason), you should absolutely give it a shot and see what you think. my final note is that you have to read up until the end of arc 8 to really see where what makes worm Worm kicks in, so aim for at least there to see how you feel about it if you're just thinking about dipping your toes in vs fully committing. i hope that was helpful and not too long :)

oh and don't go in the comments section on wordpress if you don't want spoilers. or anywhere else in the fandom at all. you will be spoiled. quite possibly for things you could not even have imagined were topics to be spoiled on.

#ask #wormblr #parahumans #ill tag it to save it so i can reference later. and maybe other people will find it helpful

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kekeke32 · 1 month

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TOUCHSTARVED trailer theme theory??

Hi guys, hi everyone. Hope we’re doing well!

SO the full version of the trailer theme is finally out on YouTube and holy shit??? It goes so HARD!!! Give it a listen here.

After rewatching it over and over again, I noticed something so I’ll map out which lyrics appear with which character for y’all to see:

Wish I could’ve added more ss but I’m on the mobile app 🥲 Anyways, I really don’t think the dev team added the characters photos randomly ‘cause check this out:

In Ais’s part, the lyrics are about a certain weakness (ik the lyrics “my weakness” refer to a person but I chose to ignore that jskdksk) and survival. This may be a reach BUT doesn’t this reminds you of Ais’s official character description? Specifically of this part: “Ais seems capable of curing you...but a sick sense of dread surrounds him. He's beginning to suspect that he may not be as in control of his powers as he thought. Can you save each other, or will he drag you down to the abyss with him?" This so-called “weakness” could be his very own powers and he’ll need the player to help him, to “survive”.

Now, about Vere’s part, I don’t have much to say tbh other than the fact that the lyrics “Cause everytime we touch” appear for the first time in his part and I guess you could say it’s related to his frequenting at the brothel? (iykwim 😏) Oh! And you could also see him being touched by a lot of different hands in the trailer. Besides that, his part ends with the lyrics “need you by my side” sung softly by the singer hmm…

Kuras’s part on the other hand, starts strongly (I suck balls at describing music so pls listen 4 urselves, you’ll know what I mean😭) and at 1:59 mins the lyrics are “Cause everytime we touch” then his face darkens a little and it stars an instrumental interlude. I don’t know what that really means but he’s sus

Mhin’s part is sung very softly as well and the lyrics “We’ve been through them all. You make me rise when I fall” are so sweet more so because I think in their route they’ll open up more to the player after going together through incomprehensible horrors and we’ll learn how to support each other <33

Finally, Leander’s part!! Now, LISTEN. His part is the reason why I even made this post in the first place lmao This mf is way too sus but first of all, the building synth progression at 2:58???? oh my god I got CHILLS. literal chills. *ahem* Moving on, his part, starts strongly the same as Kuras’s part did. Their parts are the only ones sung like that… Weird, huh? Anyway, after the lyrics “I can’t let you go. Want you in my life” at 3:49, the song gets SUPER intense and starts sounding very desperate ig?? (kudos to Dan! love his voice frfr) and Leander’s part ends with “Need you by my side”. Okayy y'all… Y'ALL. THIS IS CRAZY. In his part we have both the lyrics "I can't let you go. Want you in my life" AND "I want this to last. Need you by my side". AHHHH Leander you obsessed little bitch (affectionate)

In conclusion, there’s no fucking way the red spring team didn’t assign the certain parts of the lyrics very and I mean VERY purposefully to each LI. The parts suit them specifically well so I highly doubt it’s random but it could also just be me reading too much into this

Whatever!!! Good morning/Good night to this fandom only ^_^

#IT HAS A MEANING #this game makes me lose my goddamn mind in the best way possible #touchstarved #touchstarved game #touchstarved theory #touchstarved leander #visual novel #indie games #leander touchstarved #vere touchstarved #touchstarved kuras #ais touchstarved #touchstarved mhin #red spring studios #theory #all the leander theories give me life.#fandom

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skyebounded · 2 years

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Tapes For My Lover

.main masterlist. .stranger things masterlist.

premise: You left some tapes for Eddie to have after you’re gone, and now he is finally listening to them…

Warnings: smut, angst, fluff, blood sweat and tears. (tell me if their is more)

WC: 6.8k

A/N: So this idea came to me and I instantly fell in love with it. There is just something about it that leaves me with a feeling of comfort knowing that its Eddie. Anyway, I hope you guys like this one, I sure as hell did.

IMPORTANT: the italics portions are flashbacks. bolded italics are Readers comments, and just plain text is good old Eddie.

(you can listen to the songs, I did, but I also listened to Stargirl Interlude by the weeknd and lana del rey to make it hurt more)

The box had been sitting on his shelf for months now, taunting him, a constant reminder that you were gone, and were never coming back. He couldn’t lie, he had tried to get rid of the box several times, just throw it in the dumpster, and forget everything, even forget you, but he couldn’t. You would never forgive him for it, and he knew that, but that's not why he kept it, no he kept it because it was the last parts of you that he had. The last thing you gave him, and no matter how much it hurt him to gaze at the box every waking moment, he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of it.

He couldn’t stop beating himself up for all of it, your death, the fight. You had died before they had figured out a way to save you, to keep you out of Vecna’s grasp, and it killed him. Killed him to know that he had the ability to do it, he just didn’t know it soon enough, and worst of all he hadn’t forgiven himself for it, for not trying harder to save you. And he wondered if he ever would.

You had left the box lying on his bed, the day you died, no note, no warning, just the box. He refused to open it, fear of what was inside, consuming his very being. A part of him thought that if he did, that If he opened it, he would finally be admitting to himself that you had died and that he would never see you again, and he couldn’t accept that. So he did what he did best, shelved it, and pretended like it didn't haunt him. Walking past it every day, ignoring the sizable amount of guilt that filled him as he did.

Today he couldn’t, not anymore. Eddie walked over to his bookcase, gently pulling the old Vans shoebox off the shelf, as he made his way to the living room. He set it down in the center of the coffee table and stared at it. Wondering if by some chance it would explode and claim him, bringing him to you once again. He closed his eyes, stopping the tears before they had even begun. It was time. Taking a deep breath he pushes back the top, revealing the contents inside.

It wasn’t what he expected, cassette tapes, and on top, your very own walkman. He recognized it immediately, It had always been glued to your hip every waking moment. He couldn’t remember a time when you didn’t have it on, the headphones framing your perfect face. A folded piece of paper sat underneath the walkman that had his name written perfectly on it.

He closes the box, running his hands over his face and through his hair, ignoring the nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach. Getting up and walking to the fridge, grabbing out the first beer he finds, he cracks it open, glaring at the box from the comfort of the kitchen, anxiously tapping his ring against the glass bottle.

Despite thinking that he had the strength, the will to do it, it started to dawn on him that maybe he didn’t. He still wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

After a few hours of pacing, trying to do anything but think of you, he decides to give it another go, making his way back to the cursed spot on the couch, and opening the box once more.

Grabbing the piece of paper with shaky hands, he takes a deep breath, unfolding it to see your neat handwriting. With another deep breath, he begins to read,

Hey Cutie,

I give it about four months before you open this box, maybe even more until you read this letter. So, listen, In this box, there are a few tapes, each one labeled with a date, and I know you’re at least smart enough to put them in order before giving them a listen, however, I have already cued up the first one for you, so you’re welcome. I’m not going to tell you what's on them, that's for you to figure out, but I hope that you do. Anyway, tiger, I’ll let you get to it.

He’s not sure how long he's been staring at the note, memorizing the way your curl your ‘y’ in every sentence, or the way each ‘i’ has a heart over it instead of a dot, but it’s long enough for his legs to get sore, and his eyes to burn. He sets the note down, picking up your walkman and running his fingers over all the stickers, tracing the buttons with his thumb. With another deep breath, he placed the headphones over his ears and pressed play. Closing his eyes and resting his head against the back of the couch. At first, nothing, and then it plays, Everybody Wants to Rule The World. His pulse quickens and he feels like he’s sinking into the couch when he hears your melodic voice over the music.

“Everybody Wants to Rule The Word….didn’t we Eddie? Hey handsome, do you remember this song, I guess I mean more importantly do you remember what the song signifies?” You chuckle, and his heart wrenches at the sound. “September 16th, 1985, the day I met you,” Eddie fights the urge to pull the headphones off and chuck them across the room. “Do you remember that? That day?” Of course, he remembered, how could he not. It was the day he met you, the love of his life. Sitting in a booth at Andy’s Frozen Custard, all alone.

“Andy’s, booth four, 1:35 pm. I had been stood up by Colin Jacobson and was fighting back the urge to cry. I had forgotten my walkman, my only saving grace, and was contemplating on what I did wrong..”

“Nothing, you did nothing wrong,” Eddie mumbles out loud as if you could somehow hear him, and perhaps you could.

“I often thought it was a miracle that I was so desperately waiting for Colin to show because when that bell above the door went off, I probably wouldn’t have looked up, and then who knows if you would have even noticed me.” he scoffs, knowing damn well that he would have seen you, how could he not have, you were the prettiest girl, sitting all alone in a booth, you were an attention grabber. “It’s still crazy to me that you did what you did..” you trail off, humming along to the beat.

Eddie had spotted you, tracing the checkered pattern of the table with your finger. No ice cream in hand, nothing but a sullen look on your face, and he wondered to himself how on earth someone so beautiful could be so sad. When you looked up at him, he could swear his heart skipped several beats, your eyes meeting his and the corners of your lips turning up in a smile before your cheeks turned rosy and you looked away. It would have been a lie to say that he hadn’t tried to get your attention again, doing whatever he could think of to grab your attention just once more. It wasn’t until he nearly tripped over a child running by that he caught your gaze again, and by that time his surprise had been ruined.

“You just slid into my booth, with a strawberry milkshake and two straws, bold of you. You didn’t even have to say anything…God my heart melted. You just handed me the straw and winked.” Eddie can't help but smile, feeling the tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. “Somehow you always knew how to make things better, how to make me feel better…god I wish-” You stop mid-sentence, sniffling trying your best to hide the pain you were in, and yet Eddie knew what you were going to say. You were going to tell him that you wished that he was there with you, by your side as you made these tapes. Holding you close telling you that everything was going to be okay, that you didn’t need to make these at all, because you wouldn’t have a reason to, or at least that's what he hoped you would have said.

Eddie handed you the straw, followed by a wink that sent butterflies erupting throughout you. “Sorry I’m late sweetheart,” he smiled. He doesn’t know what compelled him to say it, but seeing you, sitting here, he felt like he had been saying it to you his whole life. You fight to suppress the smile that inevitably took over your lips.

“It’s okay, handsome.” You had never been so bold, but much like him, it felt right..comfortable. You plucked the straw from his hand, and plopped it straight into the shake, taking a long sip before he could do anything. As if on cue the music changed, and ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’ started playing.

“Oh I love this song,” you exclaimed as you being to hum along to it, blissfully unaware of just how hard he was falling for you in that moment. He just sat back, watching the way you found a way to dance in that small booth, with a smile on his face. He never asked you why you were alone, looking so down, and that was perhaps because it changed as soon as he sat down, but to him, all that mattered was that he was able to make you smile. Once you noticed the way he was looking at you, your cheeks flushed, and you hid your face behind a napkin.

“Wow, even hiding behind a napkin, you are still the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.” he chuckles, sliding the milkshake over to his side of the table. Taking a long-drawn-out sip as he waited for you to show your face again, and once you did, he couldn't help the smile.

“I will never understand why you sat down with me, smiling as you’d known me, but I’m glad you did because that was all it took Eddie, your cute smile, the strange way that you knew just what to say, the strawberry shake… just you. You had me immediately, there was no way I could fight it, I was yours...and you didn’t even have to ask.”

The song ends and the tape clicks off. Eddie’s eyes shoot open, overwhelmed, numb, and yet desperate for more. He leans forward, searching through the box, and grabbing out the next tape:

He puts it in the walkman and presses play instantly, waiting to hear your voice once more. Leaning back again, letting his eyes fall closed.

“I see you’ve made it to the next tape, I’m proud of you.” Only You starts to play, and it takes him slightly by surprise, he wasn’t entirely sure what this song correlated to. “I know you are probably wondering what the hell this song has to do with anything, and truth be told I don’t imagine that you would know, considering I only ever listened to it by myself.” you take a deep breath, “September 24th, 1985, a few days after our first encounter. The date better sound familiar to you now, because if it doesn't, we have some problems, Eddie.” You chuckle softly, and it breaks his heart, hearing you imply that if he had forgotten the date, things would end badly for him. Lucky him he remembered it, fondly. “Our first date, which also just so happens to be the first time we kissed too. God, I swear if you forgot…” Your tone held a sense of warning, but he could hear the way you were breaking.

“We’re not supposed to be here Eddie, this is private property!” you teased him as you climbed over the gate, he wasn’t sure at first if you were being serious but seeing you making it to the other side of the fence, smile growing on your lips, he had a growing suspicion that you were just fucking with him. Rolling his eyes, he climbs over the gate after you, nearly losing his footing as he lands. You would have sworn he did it on purpose, just so he could stumble into you and have you catch him. If it was the case, you didn’t mind it, in fact, a part of you preferred that story. Eddie on the other hand was just clumsy. Eddie grabbed your hand, pulling you along with him as you made your way past the security station, climbing over the turnstiles. “Should I be concerned that you are a natural at this?” he asks, gesturing around you. You had never done something like this, at least not on a larger scale. Breaking and entering wasn’t a frequent recurrence of yours. Silently, you just shrug, your brows shooting up and a cheeky grin forming on your lips, the very lips that he hadn’t been able to stop staring at. “I think if anyone should be concerned it's me, this was your idea, and for a first date nonetheless.” You chuckle. “Yeah well I had to go big or go home,” he smiles wildly.

“You probably didn’t know this but that was the first date I had gone on in a while, I mean unless you count the one where I got stood up. Anyway, I was so unbelievably nervous, in fact, my palms were so sweaty I was mortified,”

Eddie smiles, wondering if you knew how nervous he had been because he imagined it was nothing compared to what he was feeling that day. Having to constantly fight the urge to kiss you every time you looked at him, or every time you laughed, or to be honest, after every time you did anything.

Eddie pulled you into full view of the baseball stadium in all its glory, standing at the very back looking down at the desolate field, the whole thing just for you. Heat crept to your cheeks, and your lips did their best to hide the smile. Eyes wide, mesmerized by it all. It wasn’t the fact that it was done up in any way, but more the fact that he had brought you somewhere that you two could claim as your spot, somewhere no one would think to look for you, a perfect spot for you and him. Little did you know it would become just that, your spot. Too entranced by it all to notice that Eddie wasn’t taking in the same view as you, but rather admiring you, your smile, the way your hair frames your face, the way your mouth hung open just slightly drawing attention to your perfect lips. He was gawking at you.

“It's beautiful..” you murmured, “Indeed.” You pull your gaze away to look at him, who instantly pretended, poorly might you add, that he hadn’t been staring at you the entire time.

“The entire night was just..” you pause, “magical.” you sigh.

“No, that's the big dipper,” you argue. Eddie shakes his head dramatically, “Absolutely not, I have never seen someone be so confident in such a wrong answer.” You prop yourself up on your elbow, staring down at him, wondering if somehow you were in fact wrong and had just made a fool out of yourself, only to see that his eyes were closed. “You’re not even looking!” you giggle, playfully slap his chest, leaving your hand to linger there. Eddie, being the eccentric person that he is, grunts, tongue resting out the side of his mouth as if you had just killed him, and you can’t help but laugh. He opens his eyes at hearing the sweet sound of your laughter. His tongue runs across his bottom lip as he grins at you.

“Gahhh, you had me thinking I was dumb,” you remark, eyes narrowing on him. “Oh well we can’t have that I’m afraid, it simply will not do, madam.”

His hand slowly comes to meet yours, resting on his chest. He wraps his hand around your, his thumb grazing the top of it gently. It was taking every fiber in his being not to grab you and kiss you. Perhaps that's what you wanted, but his head was spinning, he couldn’t think straight, and there was no way for him to know for sure. Luckily, you knew exactly what you wanted, him. Without hesitation you lower your face down to him, your lips grazing his, as your eyes fall closed. “Aren’t you going to kiss me?” you ask, your soft lips pressing to the corner of his mouth. His hand comes up and cradles the back of your neck, pulling you down as his lips lock with yours. Gentle, slow, and perfect. There was no denying the butterflies that erupted in your stomach, as his tongue skimmed your bottom lip, begging for entrance, that you would undoubtedly give. Tongues swirling around each other, head spinning, faces flushed, you were in heaven. Eddie pulls away from you, resting his forehead against yours, both of you smiling against each other's lips. Perfect and yet not enough. Eddie draws you back in, his lips catching yours once more but this time with more hunger, more passion. Tilting his head, he adds more pressure, deepening the kiss. As his arm wraps around you, flipping you onto your back, a moan leaves you. Eddie can’t help but smile into the kiss. His hand grips tightly to your hip, and your legs intertwine as he cages you. His tongue meets yours once more, dancing with your own. Needy hands start to roam your body, dipping under the thin fabric of your shirt, hungrily moving up your sides. The rings adorning his fingers, cold against your heated skin as they move further up your body. Your hands come up to tangle in his hair, urging him to continue with it all. You feel his hand hesitate just under your breast, and you encourage him by a tug of his hair, and a nip at his bottom lip.

His hand cups your breast, thumb running over your hardened nipple. Your body shutters at the touch, shivers jutting up your spine. You had never felt so desperate, so needy for someone, but for Eddie, you were both.

“I still can’t believe that I panicked and pushed you off! God, I wanted to go further that night, I know I never told you that, but it’s the truth…I’m sorry..”

Eddie chuckles to himself. To this day he had wondered if he had made the wrong move, touched you too quickly, or grabbed you in the wrong place. He never minded it though, he enjoyed every moment of that night and wouldn’t have changed any of it.

“Anyway, this song was what I played for months after that night.. constantly repeating: Only you and you alone can thrill me like you do, and fill my heart with love for only you:” you sing the lyrics. “Baby, it's you, and it will always be you.”

The tape clicks off and Eddie doesn’t move. He sits in silence too afraid to play the next one. He hates that it's come to this, having to hear your voice in such a way instead of hearing it in person. Hates that he can’t hold you in his arms and just talk, just feel you close to him. The numbness starts to set in as he starts to picture you there with him. Cuddled up against him on the couch, your hand on his chest, like you, always used to do. God, he missed you. Missed every little thing about you.

After a few moments, he moves on to the next tape, pulling it out of the box and putting it in, pressing play instantly.

As soon as the music starts he knows. Groaning at the song that he often claimed he hated, only to tease you, but truth be told he loved it.

“I can't fight this feeling any longer….And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow…What started out as friendship has grown stronger. You can claim all you want Eddie, that you hate this song but I know the truth! This will forever be your favorite song all thanks to me!”

“Never!” he calls out into the empty trailer. No matter what you said, he would never willingly admit the love he had for this song.

“I mean why shouldn’t it be, I only listened to it all the fucking time…I have to admit that I kinda did it to annoy the shit out of you, but I could tell it was getting to you..” you pause, clearly reminiscing about it. “Do you remember that time…” you tone holding a sense of suggestion to it, one that Eddie picked up on immediately.

There was no forgetting it, not when you played the damn song the whole entire day. It would forever be ingrained in his very being.

You had been walking around Eddie’s trailer, your trustee walkman glued to your hip, music far too loud to hear anything other than the same song on repeat. Each lyric fell from your lips as you danced around in his room. Eddie had been on the couch, studying for a test in Miss. O’Donnell’s. He had already shut you out for the hour, dead set on acing the test, well more like barely passing. He insisted you not bug him any further. He wouldn’t admit it, but you knew that the constant repetition of that song had him in a sore mood, so you had decided to give him a little bit of space, but not for long. Noticing Eddie’s hellfire club shirt resting on his dresser, you grab it, replacing your own clothes with the shirt. It rested nicely against your bare thighs, a sentiment you wondered if he’d enjoy.

Wandering out of his room, you spot him, hard at work. Your lips press into a thin line as you suppress your grin, an idea forming, one sure to rile him up. You start your song over, blasting it at full volume, as you begin to sing the lyrics. You watch his eyes fall closed, heaving a heavy sigh, as he looks up at you. The look of annoyance quickly fades to be one of surprise, and intrigue, one that he tries to hide. Except there was no way to hide the growing evidence in the confines of his jeans, luckily you couldn’t see it.

“I can't fight this feeling any longer….And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow…What started out as friendship has grown stronger….” You begin to sing, very pitchy and very off-key. It was enough to drive Eddie insane. He fights the urge to pay you any attention, as he turns back to his textbook. You laugh to yourself at the sight of his eyes wide, and his lips in a downturn. As you get closer to him, you begin to dance along to the music, swaying your hips along to the beat.

“Sweetheart, I swear to god…” he warns, but you can’t hear him, too intent on annoying the hell out of him.

“You know that my favorite thing to do to you is to annoy every fiber in your body, It’s honestly an obsession of mine.” you chuckle. Eddie sighs, a soft smile forming on his lips as he recollects all the times that you did just that, there were far too many to count.

As you continue your dance, you notice him, stealing glances at you, his eyes drinking in every curve of your body, admiring the way his shirt fit you, the way it sat on your bare thighs, riding up with every step you took. You grab the bottom of the shirt, drawing it up your body and revealing your panties, watching the way he shamelessly licks his lips. He knew there was no way he was going to be able to finish studying, not when you were tempting him so, especially not if you kept singing that dumb song. Eddie throws his textbook aside, and leans back, this time giving you his full attention. “And if I have to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your door...Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore!” you sing. He doesn’t know how you do it, manage to annoy him so, and yet at the same time make him fall for you even harder. Reaching out, Eddie grabs your arm, pulling you down onto his lap, taking your headphones off, and setting them on the coffee table. You can’t help the fit of laughter that hits you as you look into his dark brown eyes.

“You are driving me crazy,” he chuckles. You open your mouth to offer a rebuttal but you’re met with lips and tongue, silencing you immediately.

You don’t recollect moaning his name until your back meets the couch, Eddie on top of you, and your clothes gone. Your hands tangled in his hair as he worships every inch of you with his mouth. Claiming you in the ways that only he can. His fingers cling to the soft skin of your hips, holding you in place as he makes his descent down your body, his lips and uneven breath fanning across your burning skin sending shivers up your spine.

Your back bows at the feeling of his mouth, whimpers as his tongue glides along you, and sweet shocks of pleasure course through your veins. As you focused on the lapping of his tongue, the movements of his fingers, he was focused on the rise and fall of your chest, the breathy moans leaving your lips, the sudden jolts of your body. Nothing was as beautiful as you were at that moment. No amount of art or even music could bring him as much joy as you could.

“I should have done it more. If I would have known that's how you would react…god I would have done it all the damn time. I mean for crying out loud, that tongue of yours is truly magic.”

Truth be told, Eddie wished you had, wished that you still would. He would give anything for it now. To see you prance around in his clothes, completely engulfed in your own little world and blissfully unaware of everything around you. Even to hear you sing this song terribly, just to get at him. You were his breath of fresh air, and he needed you desperately, just like he did then.

Indescribable, the way he felt having you wrapped so tightly around him, your fingers gripping to him as if in a moment he would slip through them. Your head foggy as you move together in sync, sharing labored breaths as your lips graze each others. The coarseness; of his voice like music to your ears as he whispers words of encouragement, everything that you need to hear as he coaxes sinful sounds from you. His hand finds yours in the chaos, fingers intertwining with yours as he holds your hand above your head.

Crying out as the ache inside of you subsides and your release hits you, only to be swallowed by his lips, as he pushes you through it. Nothing but pure bliss as you feel him follow after you, filling you completely. He collapses on top of you, only to rest his head against yours, and pull you into an innocent kiss.

“I will say this, Eddie…I do believe this song is magic...I really do. I swear anytime I listen to it I'm instantly taken back to that exact moment; one I will never forget.”

The song fizzles out to a stop and Eddie’s eyes open. As he leans forward he notices one more tape and his heart wrenches. He’s not sure if he has the strength to listen to the last one, knowing that once he does, it’s done, you’re gone. He knows he can’t wait forever, not when he needs to hear your voice again. With a shaky breath, and trembling hands he puts in the last tape. Finger hovering over the play button.

“Come on Eddie,” he mutters. He runs his hand over his face, wishing that somehow it would wipe away every semblance of pain and dread from him. Finding the courage once more, he presses play and closes his eyes.

“March tenth, 1986, I got my acceptance letter to Columbia and told no one, I wasn’t going to tell anyone but you found out, ” you struggle, your voice soft and melancholy. Despite wanting to sound happy, alive, and well, you knew that it was just wishful thinking. “My father had no right to tell you, to make you feel like it was your fault because it wasn’t”

Eddie’s jaw tenses at the mention of your father. He had never liked Eddie, and he understood why, it was for this very reason, Eddie stood in the way of your dreams. He didn’t know it, not until your father told him, however.

Eddie stood in the doorframe of your parent's home, anxiously waiting for you to save him from the silence that your parents were giving him. They had never liked Eddie, and for what reason, he had no idea. He had never done anything to give them a reason to dislike him so, and yet they had found one of their own.

“Have you congratulated y/n yet?” your father asks, his eyes boring straight through Eddie. With a nervous chuckle and a faulty smile, Eddie’s left to ask what he means.

“Columbia, she got her acceptance letter…Did she not tell you?”

He could feel the color draining from his face at the words. He’d had no idea that you had even applied anywhere other than the University of Indiana.

“She told us she wasn’t going to accept,” your mother chimes in.

Eddie had a strong feeling that they were implying that it was his fault, that because of him you weren’t going to go to Columbia. At one point Eddie might have fought them on it, told them that it was your choice and that he had no weight in the matter, but something told him that was wrong. Something told him he was the exact reason you weren’t going. His jaw tenses, as he stares at the staircase, waiting for you to come down, and if on cue, you do. Rushing down with a smile on your face.

“Hey, babe!” you say, rushing over to kiss his cheek. He doesn’t know why but he can't seem to find the words to say anything to you, but you were far too happy to notice. You say your goodbyes, kissing your father's cheek and blowing a kiss to your mother before you drag Eddie out of the house.

“It has been haunting me, the fact that we haven’t talked about it…not sure that we will ever get the chance, but..” You mumble the last bit and it's like daggers in his heart. It had been one of the very reasons he had been beating himself up since you died. You had never fought, never disagreed on anything meaningfully. It killed him knowing that he had been so cold to you, angry that you could keep something from him. What hurt more was that he never wanted to talk about it, you both just let it hang in the air acting as though it wasn’t there, as it silently tore you both apart.

“I guess now is my chance..”

“Columbia! When were you going to tell me? Or better yet, were you even going to tell me?” Eddie asks, his tone harsh as he paces back and forth in the trailer.

“No, I wasn’t going to tell you, because it doesn’t matter, Eddie! I’m not going..” you shout at him. You were fuming, you had wondered why the entire drive he had been so quiet, so distant. And now you knew. “You know what, Eddie, I really don’t see the problem here?”

He stops in his tracks, turning to look at you, eyes narrowed and cold, something you had never seen from him before. “The problem is you are throwing away everything you have worked for, every dream that you’ve had to stay here in this shithole with me! If you fucking think that I would ever let that happen, you’re delusional. I could never live with myself knowing that the only reason you’d stay is because of me. I’m not worth all of that.”

You stand up, tears burning in your eyes as you approach him. “You don’t get to say that. I’m not just staying for you, I’m staying for me,” you argue. Eddie takes a deep breath, suddenly unable to meet your eyes.

“No you’re not, because if you were you would never have had applied, nor would you be keeping it from me! Did you think that I want this for you, want you to be stuck in a town with no opportunities, a town that's cursed and sick? Do you really think that I would ever allow that?” He retorts.

You scoff, taking a step back, “Allow!? Eddie, you don’t control me, I make my own choices same as you, It is my choice on whether or not I stay. You don’t get to take that away from me, you don’t get to push me away.”

You sniffle, crossing your arms over your chest as a sense of security. You’d be lying to say that anxiety wasn’t building inside you, worrying about where this conversation would inevitably end.

“Sweetheart, I can’t let you throw away everything you’ve ever cared about for me, not when there is so much more out there for you. You have to go, you have to go and live your life without me,” he says sternly.

The tears break free from your eyes as you ball up your fist and hit it against his chest. “Don’t say that! You’re the one making me give up the only thing I care about. You.”

He doesn’t say anything, doesn't look at you, because somewhere in his mind he knew it was the truth. You would never achieve anything in this dumpy old town, and especially not with him. He also knew that if he looked at you, crying into his chest, desperately clinging to him for comfort, he would give in, and he couldn’t.

“You have to.” was all he said.

That had been the only discussion that you’d had about it. Leaving you both broken and unsure of the future. You had told him that you would go, both of you knowing it wasn’t the truth. It had come to the point where you both danced around the whole thing in general, neither one of you bringing it up again. It pushed you apart, leaving a void in both of you.

“The truth is Eddie, nothing you were ever going to say was going to make me change my mind. I had it made up from the very beginning. I only applied to please my parents, and sure a part of me wondered if I would get in, but in the end, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to leave you. You are my future,” you choke. He could hear the way you were trying to silence the sobs that were leaving you. The way your voice quivered as you said future. Tears stream down his cheeks at the thought. To him, you had always been his future, his everything. He wanted to build a life with you, a family, an adventure just for the two of you. He wanted to spend his days making you happy. It had always been the plan, and in his own twisted way, pushing you away was his way of doing that. He thought that if it was meant to be, you would always come back to him, but in your mind, you would never leave him, because it was meant to be.

“You are my everything, Eddie. I hate that we fought, we never did until then and it killed me. It killed me to know that you thought that I could just leave you, I would never leave you by choice, never…”

You take a deep breath, doing your best to collect yourself. “I hate that I never got the chance to say it, but I love you, Eddie Munson. I don’t know why it took me so damn long to say it, especially not since I knew it from the moment you slid into my booth, but I am saying it now. I love you, and I will always love you. No matter what you do, or how hard you try to push me away, Always.”

Eddie didn’t think his heart could break anymore until he heard you say it. It had always been an unspoken thing between the two of you, you knew he loved you and he knew you loved him, but hearing you say it meant so much more. He gasps, releasing the breath that he didn’t know he had been holding, his heart racing and his head reeling as he tries to calm himself. His hand clutched his chest, desperately trying to cease the pain he was feeling.

“I’m sorry I never told you about Columbia. I never thought that I’d have to, as selfish as that sounds. Also, I’m sorry if these tapes are causing you pain, I didn’t want that, but I didn’t know if I would ever get the chance to tell you this in person. I don’t blame you for anything, and I don’t want you to blame yourself for anything either, I know you will and I need you to promise me that you won’t. “Promise me, Eddie…say it..”

“I promise sweetheart.” he breaths, wiping the tears away with his hand.

“Eddie, baby, I need you to do something for me, and I know you are going to object, but I need you too,” you pause, letting out a small chuckle. “I need you to live your life, don’t throw it away. I need you to graduate and continue to make music and do whatever else it is that your heart desires. I need you to open yourself up to someone else, to fall in love, and to let someone fall in love with you the way I did. I can’t have you missing me always and missing out on all the great opportunities that I know are going to come your way. “So here it is, I chose these songs because they’re my favorites. They remind me of you, of all the moments we shared, all the laughs, kisses, tears…To me, they are the perfect narrative of our story.. I chose them because no matter where you are, I will always have them, and therefore I will always have a part of you. ”You stole my heart from day one, with your bold comments and eccentric attitude, your inability to ever stop talking about the things you love, or in general. You made my life so much better than what it would have been if you had never walked through Andy’s door, and for that, I have to say thank you. Promise me you won’t miss me too much, just be happy, god, please just be happy.”

There’s a long pause and Eddie wonders if it's the end of the tape if those were your last words until he hears it once more. That damn song falling from your lips once again, but this time it’s not pitchy, it's not annoying, it’s bittersweet.

“My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you…I've been running round in circles in my mind...And it always seems that I'm following you, girl…'Cause you take me to the places that, alone, I'd never find..And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight…You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night...And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might..And I can't fight this feeling anymore…”

The tape stops, and a tear falls down his cheek as he stares at the box before him. There was never a doubt in his mind that you were the one for him, his soulmate, and even though you were gone, he’d always have a part of you left. He pulls off the headset, places it gently in the box once more, and closes the lid. Even though it still hurt to say goodbye to you, he felt he would be okay, knowing he still had you by his side, always.

a/n: I cried like a damn baby writing this shit, I hope you did too! Also, I would love to hear your feedback!

Yep, just reread it and cried even more. 😒

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mitsies · 10 months

Note

i just read "intrinsic warmth" and it was sooo good ( YOU AHVE AMAZING TASTE). pls give us more gojo recs ao3 or tumblr.

gojo + ao3:

UPDATED

+ intrinsic warmth: my favourite fic of all time. like genuinely. insane writing, fucking amazing in every sense of the term. 2nd time recommending this! reader's character is so sick BUT updates real slow (which isnt a bad thing!! good things take time!!) so i wouldn't read if you aren't patient // 90k words, 13 chapters, incomplete

+ ripverse: not really a series, more like a compilation of fics! it's got a lot of angst and the one titled 'interlude' contains smut i think so beware, and it's also a lovetriangle/poly-but-geto-goes-crazy-so-not-poly moment // 55k words, 8 pieces

+ the witches' brew: super cute fluff! reader owns a cafe, gojo is a regular, it's all around adorable // 2 chapters, 11k words, completed

+ all that is solid melts into air: arranged marriage trope! i haven't read but @/aanobrain loves this one // 7k words, 1 chapter, complete

+ cake batter: established relationship w/ dad!gojo & megumi <33 not much to say, just short n sweet, i am such a sucker for dad gojo so its no surprise there's one of these on the list.. // 2k words, 1 chapter, complete

+ best of luck: initial concept is really unique!! confessions, slight angst, takes place at the beginning/middle-ish of s1 i think? so cute loved this <;3 // 5k words, 1 chapter, complete

+ afternoon tea(se): gojo torturing megumi. classic !! so so cute love the banter // 1.7k words, 1 chapter, complete

+ my apologies, gordon ramsay: god i hate this man. jk. reader is a teacher and a functional human being; gojo is not. loved! // 8k words, 1 chapter, complete

+ a name known only to paper: platonic, angst- beautifully written, such a unique idea. reader is gojo's older sibling. // 3k words, 1 chapter, complete

gojo + tumblr:

+ untitled by @/augustinewrites: actually idk if there's a title and if i just can't find it but... this is so so cute love me a lil drunkass gojo hes so cute and the author writes him so well i am a huge fan LMFAO just check out their whole masterlist if u havent alr!!

+ i could fall asleep or stare in your eyes (you're right by my side) by @/seoafin: hurt/comfort !!! lovely, this author's writing style is so so good i eat this shit UPP

+ growing pains by @/seoafin: another lovely work by this author!! im pretty sure they also wrote ripverse (on the ao3 part) as well? parental gojo again!

+ close combat by @aanobrain: honestly it's taking everything in me to not link all of art's gojo fics so i'm limiting myself to my fav 3, and this is one: love the reader's personality, so so much and NO im not biased bc i helped write it....

+ family photo by @aanobrain: fifteen THOUSAND words of pure mastery. the motifs, techniques, all make an intricate storyline even better- wonderful characterisation and i cannot express enough how amazing this is

+ 10:15 AM by @aanobrain: short n silly. this one makes me giggle. i requested it in return for an aki fic i wrote which is how u know its good. ok bye done w aanobrain art now i dont even know them who is this

+ quiet game drabble by @/moonbeamwritings: so so cute looooove silent treatment fics bc theyre always so silly n this is characterised so well !!

+ no good, very bad date by @sixosix: again i am fighting my demons to not rec all of six's gojo fics........ THIS ONE IS MY FAV THO!!! so so fluffy so sooo fluffy i thrw up in my mouth (in a good way)

+ fan letters by @sixosix: FLUSTERED GOJO............. i was hissing and squirming and [REDACTED] wjen i read this for the first time. short n so so sweet

+ formation b! by @earthtooz: oh god another place where i want to give u the whole masterlist... go check it out if u havent alr but this is a classic i LOOOVE my sillies !! teacher gojo based on that one ending cutscene w megumi its so so sweet

+ untitled by @earthtooz: ok again idk if there is a title i am finding all of these fics bc theyre saved in my drafts but.... THIS IS SO CUTE!! if i were to give it a name i'd call it 'gojo being awhore but only for u'

+ untitled by @/od4saku: hmmmmmmmmm this is cute!!!!! kinda a character study i liked it ;)

okay so... this is as far as ima go because i have been staring at this man's face and name for way longer than is probably healthy!! but if u want more recs i'm sure i can find some because i'm actually insane!! hope i could help !

#gojo satoru x reader #SORRY IM GETTING TO THIS SO LATE </3 im here now!!!#first 4 are compiled from previous posts #at some point i think ill make a masterpost w a bunch of my favs on ao3 #mitz recs #this is only the tip of the iceburg tbh #iceberg #however tf u spell that!

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matrixbearer2024 · 2 months

Text

Blips In My Routine

Vox x CollegeStudent!Reader

A/N: A slight interlude in the "Get Off My Screen!" Series to keep you guys entertained while I write it's continuation. I apologize that it's taking so long! School's kind of been kicking my ass recently and I've had to focus more on work than my fanfics. Don't worry though, I'll still be writing more Vox content(Lord knows we don't have enough /j) as long as you guys want to see it!

A/N: I love 🥭 Anon's idea and tbh I don't put it beyond Vox to do it either, I'm not sure if this is as good as the other installments but I hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless. Btw, reader is in college so she's somewhere in her mid to late twenties. Happy reading!

You glanced at the ticking clock above the whiteboard.

It was just five more minutes before the bell would ring and free you from this boring lecture.

You fought to keep your eyes open as your gaze wandered back to the teacher's PowerPoint.

You hated this subject the most, not even because of the topic itself.

Rather, the professor could be kind of an old-timey asshole.

Thankfully though, it wasn't all that bad.

Not when you had to deal with an equally irritating digital companion anyhow.

Somehow you'd rather take Vox's bullshit over your professor's-

Speaking of, you both had fallen into a somewhat odd routine in the following months.

From greeting each other when you woke up or went to sleep-

To checking up on the other every so often within the day.

Not to mention spilling gossip when anything remotely interesting happened.

Either on his end or yours.

Like that time you saw someone's skirt snag in their locker door and just rip.

You could only snicker at their panic and shame.

The bitch highkey deserved it anyway.

Vox couldn't stop laughing when you eagerly told him all about it.

He knew you could be vicious if you wanted to.

Even if he was aware how much more inherently kind you were compared to the likes of him.

Sometimes the fact you found his companionship worth maintaining-

Or at least tolerable enough to keep-

Genuinely surprised the tech overlord.

Especially because you'd both been communicating for a little over a year by now.

It was nice interacting with someone else that weren't Velvette or Valentino.

Not that he'd ever openly admit to it.

It wasn't like Vox hadn't seen or heard you either, despite the fact he couldn't directly mess with the microphone or camera on your devices.

Your photos and files had more than enough stuff.

You often left him imagining your reactions and voice whenever the both of you chatted.

After all, most of your interactions were practically texting.

Sometimes you even wondered if Vox was constantly bored to end up finding companionship with you.

Or maybe he was lonely, who knows.

You genuinely couldn't be fucked.

He was an interesting guy and that was all that kind of mattered to you at the moment.

Your notepad window popping up snapped you out of that train of thought.

Glancing over at your laptop screen, the small desktop pet Vox gave you merely sat in the corner pointing at the notepad.

Oh it could do angry emotes too-

A slurry of words started pouring into the blank open text window, you figured Vox was probably having another shitty day.

Geez, who would've thought that hell would actually be absolutely crappy?

Well, let's see what he's complaining about this time...

This man was really typing way faster than you could read-

You were able to garner pretty quick what he was bitching about though.

Even if you kind of found the source of his irritation quite childish and kinda stupid.

"It's so dumb! The fact I can only talk to you with this goddamn thing is driving me insane!"

"Aaaand? What's wrong with the notepad? You also have the desktop companion."

You definitely started calling it that only because Vox was getting pissy that you were referring to it as a 'pet'-

"It can only do so much dollface, it's just glorified texting at this point. Besides, the tiny version of me is just an animated emoji keyboard."

"Well you already mess with my software regardless of what I tell you, what's stopping the great 'Technology Overlord' from hacking my camera and microphone?"

"Haha, very funny doll. Don't you think I would've done it already if I could?"

At this point you kinda just wanted to laugh at the whole situation.

Vox, a demon, one who could control electronics to his every whim-

Or so he claims.

Was being pissy about not being able to talk to you properly.

You couldn't tell if that was supposed to be endearing or hilarious.

He always got worked up over the smallest inconveniences.

You saw it as him being just very observant-

But it could also highkey be from his captain control freak tendencies.

"Then just make an app or something, you'll figure it out. Mess with the software settings or whatever."

That was the last message you wrote before the school bell suddenly rang out loud and clear.

You didn't even read his reply before shutting your laptop down and arranging your belongings.

Soon enough, you were the first one out of the classroom and more than ready to go home.

Vox knew you'd shut down your laptop after he got hit with his custom Voxtech screensaver.

Similarly to the wallpaper, he'd changed your screensaver to something more on brand.

While he did take your suggestion into account, a part of him wondered why he didn't bother trying in the first place.

But given the issues with him trying to access the built-in camera and microphone-

Vox felt a little concerned that modifying your devices too much could corrupt them.

That alongside all of your files and the data you had stored.

Wait...

Concern?!

He didn't actually care about your shit did he?

Oh fuck it!

He'll do whatever he wants to!

He was still careful not to really change much, he knows how annoying file corruption is and he didn't want to actually damage your data in case it had stuff you needed.

You weren't surprised that he'd taken your words literally-

You noticed a peculiar looking app appeared on all of your devices when you had arrived home.

That's a really fancy looking V design, was this Vox's doing?

Upon opening the app, you were greeted to a slightly odd looking interface.

It looked kind of like a more... sci-fi-esque styled chat room?

You wanted to say it lowkey looked like an Omegle room-

Before you could really nitpick at the design though, a text notification popped up on your phone.

You had just set everything up too, it seems like it came from the new app.

"Testing, testing. Are you getting this (Y/N)?"

To say you were amazed at what Vox had done was an understatement.

He was able to do so much in just so little time-

Just- how???

Oh, right- you should probably reply to that-

"Yeah yeah, I gotchu."

"Fucking finally! Working around your firewalls and antivirus was an absolute nightmare!"

Aaaaaaaand here came the usual ranting and bitching-

You just threw your phone on the bed and left to take a shower and freshen up while he kept at it.

Vox was actually quite proud he got the app to work.

Especially without affecting the existing system on your computer much.

If anything, it wasn't any different from the games or social media applications that already existed on your computer.

Granted, when he first booted the app to try it- the darn thing kept crashing and glitching.

But that was easily and swiftly dealt with.

Well, after much frustration and screaming but yes- taken care of.

By the time you came back, you saw an animated version of your wallpaper appear windowed in the app.

Right... that was supposed to be his face.

"Hello? (Y/N)? Can you hear me?"

What-

What the fucking FUCK-

Apparently, the thing you thought that was just a gif or an emoticon was actually a livestream of Vox's face.

And that was how he sounded like?

Okay that seemed pretty on brand for a telecasting television now that you think about it-

But how the hell did he manage to do this-

"Vox?! What the hell!"

You yelled out in retaliation, only growing more confused when Vox didn't reply or just kept repeating if you could hear him.

So he couldn't hear you, but he found a way to sort of project himself into your device.

What kind of upside-down thing is this?

Picking up the phone, you quickly used the chat-box to reply.

"I can hear you, but I don't think you can hear me?"

Vox just audibly cursed from what you could guess was frustration, staying silent and presumably typing out a reply.

Just how long had he been trying to fix this problem?

"I can't access your cameras or microphone whatever I do dollface, this was my last resort."

Seeing his live reactions allowed you to notice the genuine frustration and exasperation he had with the situation.

It kind of made you feel a little guilty for just brushing him off all the time now.

You always thought it was quite... old-timey for Vox to want to talk to you face to face.

Hold a "proper" conversation as he put it.

But maybe that was just because he grew that fond of your company.

Geez, what a sap.

"It's fine dude, I'm glad you made a specially designated space for our conversations though. My notes were starting to get cluttered with our conversations stuck in there with my school stuff anyway."

You could swear the small smile you saw on his face made saying all that worth it.

There really wasn't any reason for you two to switch mediums, but the new app wasn't unwelcome.

You were really starting to care more about this dumb TV head.

As you and Vox went back into comfortable regular conversation, you found solace as both you and your companion once again fell back into the odd routine you grew used to.

Come morning however, you were seriously reconsidering giving Vox the idea about making that custom application.

It was a stupidly large can of worms that you didn't even realize existed-

Notification after notification, you wondered just how much time the technology demon had on his hands to constantly bother you.

"Vox, I know you're happy about your app but can you stop spam sending me memes for five seconds?"

"Eh, not feeling it."

"Go to hell you dumb picturebox."

"Already here dollface, already here."

You facepalmed.

What an idiot.

Well, he was your idiot.

A/N: I'm leaning towards this being more than a just friends thing, dunno if I'll make it romantic or not in the continuation but I'd reckon that Vox and reader would get pretty close by now sooooo hahaha have fun y'all :D

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin vox #vox #vox x reader #hazbin hotel vox x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin vox x reader #vox x you #x reader #Get Off My Screen Series

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ewingstan · 2 months

Text

Going into Ward, one of the things that interested me is that pretty much everyone who read it, no matter what the felt about it as a whole, seemed to like what it did with Tattletale and incorporate it into their understanding of the character. To a certain extent this makes sense, outside of Amy people's problems with Worm usually aren't that characterization had been changed. But few other aspects of Ward have been talked about with so much relative positivity, or influenced so much retroactive analysis of Worm.

After reading her interlude, I'm starting to understand why.

From the bat we're given blunt and effective portrayals of how alone Lisa feels. Half of her descriptions of other characters focused on how they reminded her of people she's lost. The Heartbroken are primarily described by the ways they do and don't resemble Alec. Aiden by how he does and doesn't resemble Taylor. Imp and Rachel get mentioned but don't get to make an appearance at all, furthering the effect—reminders of her closest connections are everywhere, but the connections themselves are nowhere. She's left with the "expanded Undersiders," and is painfully aware of how they either dislike her or will never form a close connection with her.

There's a lot more emphasis here on how her power is a separate entity than there was in Lisa's Worm interlude. She's snarking at it, talking about it as something that interjects, drawing a clear divide in her head between what it figures out and what she figures out. Is that her knowledge of its nature developing, or simply a new way of looking at how it always worked?

The framing in the passage above seems to suggest that its encouraging her to distance herself from others, pushing her to interact but specifically feeding her information that will prevent close connections. Questions of agency and identity aside, I do like this as an aspect of powers-as-coping-mechanisms: she was triggered by failing to save someone she was close to, not recognizing the signs that he was unwell. Her power helps her see the signs she couldn't before, but it also seems to try to prevent those close connections from forming so she can't be hurt the same way. Not that its successful. Can't stop betting on losing dogs and all.

What she calls people internally is interesting. I figured she had been calling Sveta "Garotte" earlier to needle her, but she continues to call her that in her own thoughts, as does her power. Valkyrie gets to be "Valkyrie," and Vicky isn't called a cape name at all. There's a few ways to interpret this; I'm tempted to say that Lisa sees Victoria as a relic of pre-Gold Morning days, and sees Sveta largely in that context. Though I also feel like there's some refusal to see her or Rain as people who are separate from what they've done in the past. A lot of the comments I've read while reading the last few chapters are people debating whether she should've gone "white-hat," and I get the sense that she sees something dishonest in that. Leaving behind the things you've done isn't something she can do—even Lisa Wilbourn can't leave behind the failures of Sarah Livsey.

That might be something to think about in the context of Victoria claiming Tattletale is awful because she represents "giving up on something better." Its kind of baffling in that context; many people have pointed out that cutting the number of overdoses in half was way better than anything the heroes ever did, but Victoria resents that TT saw merely halving it as acceptable. She prefers methods that highlight a certain attitude towards a problem over methods that are effective at dealing with a problem. Having zero tolerance for overdoses and being able to do fuck-all about it becomes preferable to halving it, because not giving up on an ideal world is better than actually making the world better. As little regard as I have for Victoria's position, it seems that the text is giving it some credence by positioning Lisa not just as pursuing the methods that will make an actual difference, but also as rejecting the idea of "something better." Sveta can't be more than Garotte, overdose rates can be halved but not lowered further. Its weirdly reifying of Victoria's position, making Lisa a foil to it rather than a reflection of an entirely unrelated worldview.

There's a few team leaders in the parahumans-verse who get characterized as encouraging and benefiting from chaos within their ranks. Jack Slash had a self-image of himself as a master manipulator who knew just how to keep the Nine at each others throats to keep them in line, though of course his power was pulling heavy duty there. Trickster exulted in sowing chaos, but while he could use it to his advantage when working alone it explicitly got in the way of the Travellers as a whole during their operations. Lisa incorporates aspects of both; she seems to be cultivating a "this chaos is all part of my design" air for Faultline and Victoria while actually always being on the cusp of losing control of her own team. It seems less like something she's doing deliberately and more like something she has to deal with, even if she later frames it as part of preparing Aiden or something similar.

Man, her relationship with Aiden. First explicit mention of Taylor we've had since the beginning and its for a blunt confirmation that she sees herself as failing Taylor in the same way she failed Rex, and is terrified of doing with Aiden. It feels both like she's holding him at arms length and that she's desperate for a close connection with him.

#lisa wilbourn #wardblr #wildbow #parahumans #leo says #leo reads ward

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barzzal · 2 months

Text

call me crosby → interlude p.2

summary: Young, reckless, and rash, an unplanned pregnancy causes a massive rift in your relationship with then, cup-hungry 27 year-old Sidney Crosby. As he gets caught up in his own childish and selfish ways, confused to what was once certain, he lets you struggle alone. His absence reasons a miscarriage scare that leads you to end the relationship. Years after losing you, having to live a life that’s surrounded with the families his friends have built through the years embodies his greatest regret. Now with three cups and tons of awards at his disposal, Sid is given a chance to right his wrongs and win what was once the biggest loss of his life.

pairing: sidney crosby x fem!reader gen. warnings: language and theme, co-parenting, mentions of pregnancy & false miscarriage, sexual/suggestive themes, 18+ ch. warnings: angst, language, swearing, mentions of blood genre: hockey rpf, fluff, angst, kid-fic, exes to lovers length: series; 9.3k masterlist: the barn, series masterlist

note: the interlude is a two-part chapter dedicated for what happened between sidney and reader in the past and why everything had to happen ;) pls pls tread lightly as these chapters contain sensitive themes. you may stop reading at any time should it make you feel uncomfortable. this is just a reminder that you are still responsible for what you consume. all that aside, happy reading <3 (gif used: mine)

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. teasers, interviews, events, and the like that are included in the series are purely made for fictional purposes and do not/should not represent any of the names involved in real life. please proceed with caution.

Your mind wanders to the not so distant past while you do your night time routine. You blankly stare at yourself absent-mindedly as you lather lotion on your hands and arms.

It’s crazy how madly and deeply in love you and Sidney were a week ago.

You can’t help but reminisce about the reckless night you and Sidney shared. The very night that you think might have led to such a life-altering event.

“Babe?” you hear Sidney call for you from the bathroom.

You have just gotten home from an annual fundraising ball that the Pittsburgh Penguins hold to support the foundations it is in partnership with. As the captain, and arguably the face of the franchise, Sidney’s hectic night also meant having to always stand wearing your impractical heels and a smile that has to be genuine enough– but not so much as to come off pretentious and inauthentic.

While all of the actions you’ve shown were true, it was evident that the pressure to remain perfect was taxing. To say that you were tired would even be an understatement.

You feel a hint of hunger but even that won’t stand against your need for a good night’s sleep.

As you lazily take off your earrings from one ear to another, you hum as a cue for Sidney to let you know whatever it was that’s going on in his mind.

“How does this thing work exactly?”

Baffled about the query, you lay your jewelry pieces flat onto the tray, and aim for the bathroom. You were still wearing the dress that elegantly clothed you for the entire night. It was a dress that Sidney had picked out himself. A dress that he knew would compliment and suit his girl just right.

The sliding doors of the bathroom were already half-open thereby causing you to see Sidney’s reflection in the mirror; his brows furrowed in total and utter bewilderment.

“What’s wrong?” you ask, meeting his eyes in the mirror once he hears your voice.

He turns to face your way and in his hand rests what seemed like a tiny, but regular, container of skin moisturizer you have been meaning for him to try.

“You watch me get ready for bed for years now, honey.” you idly tell him.

Sidney recognizes the exhaustion in your words, enjoying how your lazy voice register in his ears. He smiles.

“I don’t want to risk doing it wrong,” he explains. “I looked up this brand on the internet and I must say, it costs a lot for such a tiny bottle.”

You roll your eyes as you take the product from him. “It costs a lot because it also takes a lot to rescue,” you pause for effect as you playfully point at him, “that face.”

The two of you chuckle softly. Bare feet and about to get unready.

“Have you washed your face?” you ask him. Sidney nods.

“Alright. What else have you done?”

He shrugs, glancing over to his side of the sink. You’ve laid out a few products for him. Some of them he’d already gotten used to and some that he’s still figuring out. Sidney tells you about the few products he has initially applied.

“Could you please help me?” he asks in that voice he only uses with no one else but you.

You sigh dreadfully, eyes already closed with how tired you were. You lean your head on his shoulder, mumbling your words.

“But I’m so sleepy.” you let him know. After having a few seconds of rest, you add, “I haven’t even gotten my makeup off yet.”

Sidney knows you were beat. Even if he doesn’t tell you, he truly appreciates the great lengths you go for him. You don’t have to do it, but you did it all just the same for as long as it involved Sidney.

“I’ll take it off,” he volunteers.

“Pfft.” you snicker a foolish laugh. “I bet I can get a goal past you faster than you can learn how to take my makeup off. Properly.”

“Come on,” he says, putting his hands on your waist, giving it a good squeeze. “You got to at least let me try. I know you’re tired.”

You give him a smile but reply in a commanding tone, “Promise you’ll do it like I do?”

Sidney nods, ready to do after your bidding. “Religiously.”

Once you agree, you let him gently lift you up the counter next to the sink so as to let you be in a comfortable position. By the looks of it, the odds of you falling asleep were high and Sidney just couldn’t bear letting you stand on your feet after you’ve murdered them with those ridiculously high heels.

“Nooo,” Sidney coos. “Don’t fall asleep.”

With closed eyes, you softly chuckle. “Mkay.”

He glances over to the rack where you keep your nighttime essentials and asks, “What do I do first?”

Sidney willfully follows every instruction you give him as you patiently guide him throughout the process. His endless musings, in the hopes of keeping you awake, have evidently worked despite your exhausted state.

You didn’t want to drift off anyway. You were in total bliss feeling his touch; soft with care – delicate. Sidney’s fingers graze onto your skin ever so lightly as he applied every product. He did what he had promised you. He did your nighttime routine religiously.

His movements were put to a stop. You hear a soft clink of the product onto the tray; a sign that he was through.

Before you get to open your eyes, Sidney leans towards you. He then lightly pressed his lips against yours so as to give you a peck.

He plants a couple more before he eventually breaks away.

“Done.” He says enthusiastically, seeing you with a wide smile on your face.

“Yeah?” you briefly open your eyes, Sidney coming into full view. You see him half-naked with only his pajama bottoms on. His chest was rose-colored; perfectly in contrast with the shade of his stubble.

You take a quick glance at yourself in the mirror so you could get a peak of what he’s done. Huh. Pretty good.

You turn your head back and face him wearing a tight-lipped smile.

“Like it?” he asks. “How did I do?”

“You did fine.” you kid.

Sidney pretends to be appalled. “Fine? Just fine?”

“Uh-huh.” you tease. “Not bad for a first timer.”

“A’right.” he says with a smirk. “I know I could’ve done a lot worse than a ‘not bad’ so I’ll take it.”

“I’m just playing with you.” you tell him. “You did a good job.”

You open your arms, asking for a hug. Obligingly, he leans in and lets you wrap your arms around his nape. Your hands then found their way onto his face. Your fingers graze over rough stubble just as your eyes meet Sidney’s.

With your thumb landing on his lips, you gently pull Sidney’s face closer so you could lock him in a kiss. Gentle and sweet. Passionate despite being done swiftly. You feel each other’s warmth– with your mouth and your bodies pressed so close together.

Once the two of you break away, you say, “Thank you for taking care of me.”

His left hand removes some errant strands that lazily fashioned the side of your face. The other makes its way on the small of your back, pulling you even closer.

Before the two of you dive into another kiss, Sidney says, “Thank you for letting me.”

𖥸

When Sidney asked you to move in with him, the first thing he did was to start a major renovation of his home. You were not a fan of it because of the obvious reason; it was unnecessary. But alas, Sidney had his ways. He told you it was not just his home anymore. It was yours. “Ours.” was what he said.

It didn’t matter where the two of you were. Sidney had countless away games and series, and you had your fair share of business meetings on your end. But no matter where the two of you were, regardless of being away, your togetherness was kept by the home you have built with him. After all, Sidney’s home was just a massive block of building situated on acres and acres of land, standing still and lonely.

Then came you.

He stripped his home clean when you moved in. Little by little, you were able to incorporate yourself into his home. You had a say in every change; what has to go and what can stay. What paint colors to use and what kind of furniture he should get. Sidney did nothing but say "yes" the entire time. He wanted you to feel at home as much as he did. Neither the place nor the big still and lonely building did matter because he had you. For Sidney, you were home.

From the gorgeous outdoor landscape, classic hardwood floors, to high and white ceilings, Sidney wanted every corner of his home – inside and out, to have a touch of you. Only you.

It was his futile attempt at a romantic gesture. He wanted to be reminded of you each time he was in it. Because just like what he said, no matter what happens, wherever he may be, you were the person he knew he’s always going to come home to.

Looking back, it hasn’t occurred to you just how high and white the ceilings were. How distant everything seemed. Without Sidney, all of it seemed dull and ordinary. You just did not realize it until you spent the last several hours staring at that boring ceiling, lying in an all too cold bed that has seen the best and the worst of you and Sidney.

In spite of your still heavy and tired eyes due to all the crying, you find yourself reaching for your phone yet again. Maybe this time you’d get an answer.

“Please pick up.” you utter as you try to numb yourself with the endless ringing of the line. It was getting really late. Even with what happened earlier, you still wanted to hear his voice. That way you’d know he was okay. That way you’d know he was coming home.

With time feeling like eternity, you managed to give it some thought. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe he was right. You did attack him; one way or another. You could have told him some other time when it felt right or when neither of you were tired. Maybe that way, he could have reacted differently.

The weight you feel in your chest must have been incomparable to how he felt. It came to him unsuspectedly. The least you could have done was lay it all down easy. But no, you chose to put him in a difficult position where he has to choose between his present and the future. An ambush that was undeniably uncalled for.

Maybe, at some point, you forgot Sidney had a life where you didn’t belong. Maybe that was where you went wrong. Sidney had a life. You made him yours.

Your hand travels down to your stomach so as to remind you of what life already is – what life will be. Sidney knew you were carrying his child and the first thing he did was leave. For somebody else, it would have been their cue to go. But here you were, instead of feeling all the right things you should be feeling, still waiting for him.

If your calculations were right, it was another hour before Sidney finally came home. You turned away from the bedroom door and pretended to be asleep. He was quiet but his presence said otherwise. There wasn’t much movement being that Sidney was stoned at the door looking across the room. Looking at you.

Out of all the years that the two of you have spent together, this was the first time he actually did not feel like coming home.

Instead of the comfort he’s always felt each time he opened the door to your shared bedroom, Sidney felt unsure. It was as if he almost did not want to come home at all. Because you, who once brought him peace, was the very person who handed onto him a havoc served on a silver plate.

Sidney no longer minded the fact that he knew you waited for him. He knew you were still awake yet the first thing he chose to do was head towards the bathroom. The clear cut sound of the door coming to a close sends shivers down your spine. You try blinking it away, but the tears just start coming.

When the bathroom door opens, you squeeze your eyes shut knowing what’s to come next. It was a while before Sidney decided to come to bed. You feel it shift with the weight of having Sidney in it.

Normally, his arms would magically snake its way to your body and lock you in an embrace. That was the only way for Sidney to get a comfortable sleep. Now, he stares at the ceiling for a good minute or so before he shifts and looks at the back of your head.

He did not want to say a thing though he felt like he needed to.

It was wrong for him to feel this way. He knew that. But now that he’s conflicted, Sidney knows he’s going to have to give himself some time. Perhaps, even some time away. From this house. From you.

He takes a deep breath; long but subtle. The one you make when you’re trying to calm yourself before diving off a cliff. Sidney wishes he could come out of his. To be able to swim back to his surface. Because as hard as it was to admit, you were drowning him.

“Will you ever change your mind?” he breaks the ice and asks.

Despite being nervous to what his answer might be, you return the question.

“Will you change yours?”

He doesn’t say a word. And with that, you knew Sidney’s silence was his answer.

You do the same.

Though there was something he did want to let you know.

I don’t want to have to lose you.

But instead, he says, “I don’t want to lose you.”

You stifle a sob as a tear meets your pillow.

You didn’t answer. You didn’t answer not because you didn’t want to. You didn’t answer because you were afraid that you couldn’t think of any.

You hate to think you’d have to lose one another over the very thing that was supposed to make the two of you whole. The truth is, you were scared about so many things. You just didn’t know you’d have to be scared about losing Sidney.

𖥸

A few days have passed since you and Sidney got to talking. It was barely one being that all you’ve done was fight. It was already more than just an argument and time has been nothing but cruel in letting you know that the sudden change you see in him now is his way of telling you that the both of you are not and will never be on the same page.

Sidney chose to drown himself more in his Summer commitments. The last thing you heard he was off signing brand deals and staying a lot longer at the club. Now, while he’s busy playing in between putts and pucks, you’ve gone to another appointment and have been taking good care of yourself and your baby to the best of your abilities.

You were at the task of putting away the lillies you have bought on your way home when you hear Sidney’s car enter the driveway. It would not be long before he opens the door. You have not really thought of what to say to him. As much as you try to understand where he’s coming from, you badly hope he does the same thing to you and simply honor what’s already on the table.

The sound of keys being tossed onto the bowl rings throughout the hallway; commencing Sidney’s arrival. You see him enter the room in his usual golfing attire, lugging his equipment behind him.

You have not felt the thick air of uncertainty for a while and you realize it was because he was not around. You offer him a tight-lipped smile once you meet his eyes.

“Hey, you.” you call for him in a tone that lets him know you were open to talk should he want to discuss things with you.

Sidney declines your invitation through his own, “Hi.”

You feel a pang in your chest so you try and make up for it by putting the rest of the mess sitting on the island away. Sidney, on the other hand, sees what you’re trying to do. Nevertheless, he ignores it. Instead, he makes his way around you, heading towards the fridge to get a drink.

You give up.

“Is this really how you want things to be when you come home?” you ask.

Sidney sighs, letting your words sit in the air. He lets the sound of the water hitting the glass mock you as an answer. You watch him drink its entirety with a stern face, unbothered to even look you in the eye.

A month ago you can’t even picture him behaving like this. Time is fickle, so they say. But it is just as unpredictable and brutal.

“Sid,” you call, failing to mask the sound of your voice nearly breaking. Of course, you were desperate to have a decent conversation with him. You miss him. And even though you know you would not change your mind anymore, the best thing you can do is to at least have the chance to change his.

“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” you reach for his hand to hold it.

For a moment, you see his eyes soften. He looks down on your hands. You were scared that he was going to dismiss you but much to your relief, Sidney held your hand instead. He tenderly rubbed the back of your hand whilst he tried to find the words to utter.

This was one of the things you miss. Sidney’s touch. He’s always had a way with it. Nothing really mattered for as long as Sidney held you. You felt so secure – safe from anything that may come your way. For as long as you were with Sidney, you needn’t have to feel scared.

Just when you feel a sliver of hope, you see a somber expression in his face the moment you look back at him.

“I don’t have anything new to say.” he nearly apologizes.

Disappointment now printed all over yours, you choose to let him know of what kept you busy.

“I went to Claire and got a sonogram.” you tell him, forcing out a smile.

You opted not to get one the first time despite Claire’s advice. You wanted to have Sidney with you in that room. But now, it was painfully clear that it might never happen. Not to mention the fact that his child is continuing to grow regardless of what he had to say about it.

Sidney gladly lets your hand go so as to caress his nape. When he falls silent, you continue nonetheless.

“The baby is healthy.” you add.

Shrugging the latter off, he asks, “What about you?”

He still cared about you. At least that was there.

Is it really too much to wish he’d feel the same way for his child?

“I’m fine.” you answer, uninterested with your own well-being.

Sidney says nothing else but nods, dismissing whatever you still have to say concerning his unborn child.

“Won’t you at least see it?” you try for yet another time.

Sidney’s jaw clenches but he chooses to let it go. He didn’t come home to fight.

He pays you a meaningful look, devoid of the fact that the said sonogram was already pinned on the fridge along with a few old polaroids that the two of you intentionally kept for each other’s sake.

“I told you, I don’t have anything new to say.” he repeats himself. “And I still won’t even if I see it.”

It was clear that the two of you were trying to make ends meet. But Sidney was not trying hard enough.

“Then what are we doing here?”

You were offended, of course. You were utterly hurt by his appalling insensitiveness. Sidney did not give even an inch of care but that shouldn’t justify acting too much of an ass about it.

“Am I supposed to wait for you to change your mind before I continue carrying your child?” you continue, “I’m pretty sure pregnancy doesn’t work that way, Sid.”

Do you take him for a fool? He thinks.

You touched a nerve, causing Sidney to lose himself again.

“Who even told you I wanted one?” he retorted.

What does he think would happen after sex? A gala? A dinner party?

You need not stress on the obvious. Besides, doing so would just take you miles down the surface you’ve barely even scratched. Dealing with a closed-minded Sidney and piling on his share of negativity would just be counterproductive.

“I’m not changing my mind, Sidney.” you firmly state.

The time Sidney was gone did not make you want the things he wanted. It just made you certain – so sure, that you want nothing else but this baby. And you know there was no other way out.

“Are you with me on this or not?”

He scoffs at the thought of you making him choose.

“You’d really go that far, wouldn’t you?”

“That far?” you scorn.

“Sidney, that ‘far’ we happened to be discussing right now, is a life together!” you stress, pointing a finger at his chest. “So, yes. I am willing to go that far.”

Sidney could not find the words to save his own cause. But regardless of the problem he still hopes you can set aside, he knows that you will eventually come to your senses and choose the life that you were already living with him.

However, the wounds were barely even healed and here you were, deciding to pick at it again.

“I told you to come back only when you’re ready to be an adult about this and face it with me.” you order. “I don’t need you starting a fight because you know I will never change my mind.”

“Well, you know what? Neither will I.” Sidney shakes his head, adamant to bow down in favor of your will.

“There. I said it.” he adds, thinking of the night you told him about your pregnancy.

He sees your eyes watering and he knew it would be enough for you to pull him back in. But this wasn’t like the other times. You wanted different things and he did too. Maybe that’s how it should be. Maybe it isn’t worth prolonging what has clearly ended.

“You’re right.” he says, “I shouldn’t have come home in the first place.”

Suffice it to say that he did not deserve to feel half of what you have been feeling, you hold him back once he starts retreating.

“W-Where are you going?”

“Geno’s.” He shortly answers. “I cannot be on board with something you chose to decide all on your own.”

You fall silent as it was not the response you were expecting, especially not from Sidney. So instead of speaking for you and his unborn child, you watch him leave once again.

𖥸

Sidney made sure he was kept preoccupied for a reason. It was evident that you were making him choose. And despite him denying, he is certain that regardless of the path he’d be taking, you’ll choose to have the baby and leave the life you have already built with him.

He hated the possibility that you might leave him for something that was unplanned. Something that could have been prevented by a birth control shot. But no, it didn’t. It frustrates him that you won’t take the only ‘out’ he’s got to offer. It frustrates him even more to know that regardless of your choice, he just could not see himself being tied up to a commitment he knows he will never want.

Yes, he may have wanted and hoped for a life with you but that was it. Only you. He did not need anything more. On top of it all, he’s scared. He’s scared because he knows that he almost hated you for it.

You have reached an impasse and you and Sidney both know it. It was just a matter of who’s going to be the one to break it to the other. He doesn’t want to be the one to do so, hence why he chose to leave.

Sidney was a man that loved calculation. Everything had to be precise. Otherwise meant having to give a shot at failure. That was how he felt for the majority of his career. He did excel at school but it did not challenge him. It took less energy and made him less driven. He wanted to acquire so much and be so much more within so little time. Wishful thinking and ambitions aside, he made everything he wanted happen.

He just wishes he could figure this one out before it’s too late.

Geno had his feet up on the couch, hands were glued on the game controller, yelling at the TV. It was another game that he had one of Anna’s nephews teach him. He had nothing to do for the entire day and he was a firm believer that wasting time was not really wasted – only if you make it count.

The count, if you dare ask, was a 2-4 game versus some kid on the internet. N8Dawg29.

Geno’s shouting at the TV was put to a stop when the doorbell rang.

“Lucky bastard.” he says, throwing the controller elsewhere.

Given the moment’s notice, he wasn’t expecting anyone. He had no idea who it was at the other side of the door. By the time he opens it, Sidney’s face comes into view.

“Sid!” he says his name with a giant smile on his face. The very same smile that was washed away by the look Sidney had on his. Lost.

What brings you here? was what he wanted to ask. But given the way his friend looked, it was apparent that something big was bothering him.

“What’s wrong?”

Concern traveled to Geno’s eyes when Sidney spoke of your name as an answer.

“Is she alright?” he asks him, opening the doors of his home wide for Sidney.

Sidney looks him in the eye and says, “She’s pregnant.”

As the brand new information hit him, Geno begins to realize that such news might not have been well-received by Sidney.

Uncomfortable and panicking as to how he’d make light of the situation, Geno asks, “Who’s the father?”

𖥸

Geno knew he needed reinforcement. N8Dawg29 would have to wait.

No, it wasn’t because Geno was losing. It was because he had more important things to tend to. Let him leave it at that.

Two crystal clear snifter glasses were pinched in between his fingers whilst his other hand held a bottle of premium scotch. He takes long strides across the room, making his way towards the lesser halves of the Pittsburgh Penguins’ three-headed monster.

The Captain had just broken the news to Kris, but unlike Geno, the defenseman took his time before sharing his two cents. Sidney spared no detail as to what happened. The truth that he didn’t want a baby, and the ugly truth that you did.

Just like how he looked in front of Geno, the expression on Sidney’s face was more than enough for Kris to deduce that congratulations weren’t in order. Despite him being happy to learn about your pregnancy, Kris just couldn’t let Sidney feel as though his feelings were invalid.

Quietly, whilst the biggest names of the team sat together, the weight of the elephant in the room was still borne solely by the team’s captain. Once each of them was able to take a sip from their respective glasses, it was Kris’ turn to ask a question.

“Does she really intend to keep the baby?”

Sidney nods as the alcohol runs down his throat.

“Actually, she made me choose,” he says. “–said she’d do it with or without me.”

“Are you going to let her?”

Sid meets Kris’ eyes, “What would you have me do?”

Kris takes a deep breath, conflicted as to whether he was in the position to say what’s in his mind. “You know it really doesn’t matter what I think. It is still your decision.”

“Of course, it matters.” Sidney counters. You’re a father. He wanted to add.

“What is it that you want to hear from me?”

“Just hit me. Tell me how you feel. I can handle it.”

“All right,” Kris puts down his glass thereafter clasping his hands. “Are you a hundred percent sure that you don’t want to be a Dad?”

Sidney finds it hard to answer. But he knows it wasn’t because there may be a slight chance that he would eventually want to be one. It was mainly because he knew saying it out loud would paint him in a bad light. He can’t afford to look selfish in front of his friends.

Kris questions, “So, you’re telling me you haven’t pictured yourself with a child? Ever?”

“Of course, I have. It’s just– I don’t want to have one now.” Sidney feels like a fool for saying it out loud. “You know I love kids. I have always been great with them. You know how I am with Alex, right?”

Sidney looks at Geno once he speaks but all Geno did was avoid his gaze. Even he didn’t favor how Sidney had to bring up his godson as an example.

Instead, Geno asks, “Then what is the problem?”

“I don’t think I can be a good father. I’m afraid I’d screw it up.” Sidney fiddles with his fingers.

“How can you be so sure you won’t be a good father?”

Sidney sighs, “How did you know?”

“No one knows they’re going to be a kick-ass Dad until they become one.” Kris says. “I couldn’t even figure out how diapers work the first time I had to do it, but that didn’t stop me from wanting to be a good Dad.”

Sidney runs a hand through his naked hair. “Maybe that’s it.”

Kris’ eyebrows furrow, waiting for Sidney to continue.

“How can I be good at something I don’t even want to become?” He looks at both of his greatest friends.

He continues. “It’s different with you and Catherine, Kris. You both wanted Alex. You both wanted kids. I’m not quite sure I can even begin to like the idea of having my own and yet, here it is – already tearing me and Y/N apart.”

Kris takes a deep breath.

With his words subtly laced with judgment, he says, “There is only one thing you can do.”

“What?” Sidney raises a brow.

“You have to let her go.” Kris continued. “Even if it means she’d have to do it alone.”

Kris respects Sidney for not wanting to have a child. He knows he’d have to understand where Sidney’s at in life. If he says he’s not ready to father a child, then so be it. But that does not give him a pass on being a selfish prick who he’d still have to understand in exchange for you and your unborn child’s sake. You were as important as Sidney is to Kris. He wouldn’t simply allow Sidney to take everything he could while you empty yourself for him.

Sidney asks yet another appalling query.

“Do you really think she’d choose it over me?”

Kris answers with a knowing look on his face, “Any responsible adult would choose a baby over you, Sidney.”

“Kris,” Geno puts his glass down, interfering.

“What does that supposed to mean?” Sidney takes offense.

“What did you expect me to say, anyway? Did you come here expecting I will coddle you? That Geno and I will help you be this irresponsible?” Kris tells him off, switching glances between the two of them.

Geno calls him in a definitive tone. “Tanger, stop.”

“No,” he stressed. “The two of you came to my house asking for my help. Here it is. I am a father. It’s one thing to feel unready for such an immense responsibility. I get that. But, it seems to me that you’re seeing this predicament as a game you just have to win no matter what. That kid isn’t even born yet and here you are, antagonizing him for breaking your relationship. That is your child, Sidney. Your child with the woman you claim to love. Even if you don’t want it, the least you could do is acknowledge that it’s here. It’s not just a thing you have to tolerate.”

Sidney and Geno fall silent.

Kris gathers himself and stands, aiming to leave the room.

“Let her go, Sidney.” he recapitulates. “You know you’re not the person she needs right now.”

𖥸

Three days have gone since Sidney left home. You haven’t gotten enough sleep since then. You’ve tried busying yourself tending to some house chores but none of it sufficed. Tiring yourself did not help in your pursuit to keep your mind from thinking of him.

As much as you wanted to, regardless of your doctor’s orders, you just can’t function bearing a magnitude as heavy as the one you’re facing with Sidney, hanging over your head. Here you are, barely functioning through a day, how could you possibly picture a life without him in it? It seems as though the past is now a blur. But then again, so is your future.

“Hey,” Cath’s voice soothes you from the other end of the line. “How are you?”

You almost forgot that you were on a call with Catherine.

Dissociated, you answer, “I’m… I’m doing okay.”

“Are you sure?” she asks for the hundredth time.

For the past three days, you’ve always answered that you were. Perhaps, it was for you to save face in the hopes of seeing Sidney again.

“No.” you finally admit despite Catherine already knowing, “I’m trying.”

“I know you are.” she says.

It seems as though she wanted to say something else but didn’t know how. Sidney, apart from staying with the Malkin’s has gotten the liking of dropping by her house to see her husband. It had been a day since the first time they had talked about you. Catherine knew little of it but she knew Kris didn’t exactly agree with whatever Sidney had told him.

Finally, she lets out a sigh, “Listen, Sidney’s here.”

Your heart skips a beat at the mere mention of his name. With a glint of hope in your voice, you ask to confirm. “He is? How is he?”

“Well, to be honest, not good.”

You find comfort at the thought. You might still have a relationship worth saving.

“Do you want to speak with him? I can–” Catherine offers but you’re quick to decline. Maybe some time to himself will do you both good.

“No don’t, Cath. Really, it’s fine.” you say with a sad smile. “Knowing that he’s there is enough.”

Silence sits on the line for a moment. You have always waited for Sidney to come home for the majority of your entire relationship. It didn’t matter if he was gone for days or even more than a week; he came home every time. That thought alone made the wait bearable. Now, the uncertainty of it all just makes the wait longer because unlike before, you’re no longer sure he’ll be coming home.

“Have you been taking care of yourself?” Cath pulls you back from your thoughts. The truth is, you haven’t.

“Have you been eating? What about your medications? Are you taking them?”

“Well, yeah. I am. I am taking them.” Sometimes on an empty stomach. Sometimes you miss it by an hour or two.

“Have you slept at all today?”

“I… Not really. I haven’t been sleeping well. There’s a lot going on in my mind.” you say as your eyes flicker to your surroundings. You then realize that the chaos in your mind has begun to translate into your home. Your sight eventually falls onto the load of dishes you’ve yet to tend to and others already cleaned waiting to be put away.

“I know. But you need to take it easy.” she reminds you. Catherine has a point.

“Please take care of yourself, Y/N.” you hear her sigh. “Your baby needs you.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.” you earnestly tell her, adding that Claire’s stopping by in an hour or two. “A friend is coming over to keep me company tonight. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

However, just as you stand whilst talking, you feel a sudden surge of sharp pain in your abdomen.

You find yourself holding your lower stomach, unsure if it was something to be concerned about. Claire has informed you about the minor discomforts you were inevitably going to feel as your body adjusts to being pregnant, but was it supposed to hurt this much?

Catherine calls your name when you failed to answer.

“Yeah?”

You start to walk, aiming towards the kitchen. Your palm rests on your abdomen in an attempt to relieve yourself of the pain you were still feeling.

You hold the phone with a bit more pressure, you hear Cath ask, “How are you really? You know you can tell me stuff. I know it must have been tough having to deal with Sid.”

You sigh in an effort to alleviate the pain. Your eyes begin to water by the mention of his name. It has been tough for you. If Cath could see it, how come Sidney couldn’t?

“I miss him, Catherine.”

“I know you do.” she replies sympathetically. “How can I help you?”

“I don’t know.” you reply as your breath becomes labored. “Just– , please tell him to come home.”

You shut your eyes, pressing on your stomach once you reached the counter.

“We need him.”

𖥸

Was Kris right? Sidney was deep in thought as the paddle hit the ball from one end of the table to another. Geno hits it right back. Sidney does the same. They go on and on uttering no words but mere sighs and labored breathing as they play the game of table tennis.

Even if Kris was right, he knew it was still going to be Sidney’s decision. If you yourself could not convince him of the life he so clearly does not want, what makes Kris think he can do otherwise?

Despite the heated conversation, Sidney was still thankful Kris had a gym in his basement. He needed to clear his mind; something Geno understood. Sidney rarely gets upset, but most of the times he did, it was for the right reasons. Now, however, Geno wasn’t sure.

“What are you thinking, Sid?” Geno asks as he recovers after missing the ball.

Through his still labored breathing, Sidney puts the paddle down and briefly looks at him. He shakes his head, not devoid of a single thought - but overwhelmed by millions of it concerning: you.

When he doesn’t hear a word from Sidney, he finally asks, “It’s been three days. Don’t you want to come home?”

Sid plays it off with a grin, “Why? You’re getting sick of me?”

Geno rolls his eyes, “Yes, what are you gonna do about it?”

The two of them share a brief laugh, trying to lighten the weight bore by the topic of you.

“I don’t know, man.” This time, Sidney tells him the truth. He does not know. He had hoped to know by being away from you. But if asked the same question of whether he wants the life that you do, he still has the same answer.

Before he can say another word, Geno speaks as if he read Sidney’s mind.

“If it’s not entirely a yes, it’s a no, Sid.” he tells him. “You’ve got only two ways out of this. To stay or to leave.”

Sidney’s taken aback.

To stay would mean to live a life off his books; blind and unplanned. He’d be traversing an environment completely foreign and unknown. To have a child of his own. To have a family. Forever.

And on the other, to leave would mean to accept the gut-wrenching picture of a life without you; to embrace it through and through. And maybe hope that someday, it will eventually get easier.

Before Sidney could even answer, the Letangs came rushing into the room.

“We gotta go,” Kris announces with urgency, the key to his car already in his hand.

Sidney’s eyes fall onto a frantic Catherine who was clutching onto her phone - voice trembling as she says, “It’s Y/N.”

𖥸

Sidney has never feared anything in his life. Between having to leave home at such a young age and thereafter fighting the horrible concussions that cost him almost fifty games off of his career, he has never felt as frightened as he did when it was you who was already on the line. He admits that he was not in the right mind to deal with what you have told him, but the fear of losing you was so insurmountable that it made being a father seem less terrifying than he could have possibly imagined.

“Where is she?”

“Is she okay?”

“Have you seen Claire?”

Wanting to breathe became obsolete once Sidney chose to speak all aforementioned. He held Cath’s shoulder, almost shaking her, in an attempt to get an answer.

“Claire took care of everything. She’s fine.” she says, relaying what Claire had told her.

He lets go a sigh of relief. He runs his fingers through his evidently unkempt hair – and asks, “What about the baby?”

If the record was right, it was the first time he’s ever asked about your baby.

Despite how Cath felt about Sidney, she did not simply have the answer.

Worriedly, he walks past her and looks through the small window of the lounge door. He sees a handful of people, mostly visitors. Sure – there were doctors going from one side of the room to the other wearing their coats and clipboards in hand, talking. Always talking. Giving out information, whether well-received or heart piercing. It was a whole ‘nother job that seemed so ordinary. A whole lot more than what is perceived.

Sidney wanted to go to you. He wanted to find you. But how can he do that if doing so would mean causing more risks than he’s already had? Because even if it was the least of his worries, Sidney could not possibly handle more attention from the crowd.

It was exactly the ugliness you had to bear being with Sidney. Being with him meant having to consider who he was inside and outside of the rink; that your personal life is inevitably tangled with the one he had with his skates on. There was no double life with Sidney. He has successfully integrated the two so he gets to live both. As for you, you were the tide that went along with it — the tide that kept his boat afloat.

𖥸

Claire hoped she wouldn’t be spending the night in the hospital. But then came you.

She was glad she still had the spare key you’ve given her to your home. Between scrambling to find it amidst her million other keys and finding you sitting on the cold floor of the kitchen, holding your stomach, with blood apparent in your clothing, Claire was just glad that she got to you the soonest you needed her to.

“My baby–” was the first thing you told her as you tried speaking in between sobs.

You looked at her, tears running down your cheeks, once she had approached you.

“It’s alright. I got you. I got you.” she repeatedly told you.

Her eyes fell onto where your hand was. Truth be told, she has never been this scared in her life. It was crazy how she simultaneously knew and didn’t know what to do. It was you. Your safety and the life of the child you’ve yet to birth, placed unexpectedly in her hands. Despite all that, she was certain that she’s not about to lose anyone. Neither you nor your baby.

“Please don’t pass out.” she murmured more to herself as she held your face. “Stay with me, alright? You guys are gonna be okay. You’ll be okay.”

Claire stayed true to her word and took care of you. You were settled in a private room, resting. It was evident that all the emotional and physical turmoil you’ve been trying to suppress has finally caught on and got the better hold of you. Scarily so, despite the night’s ordeal, you were now safe. You and the baby.

You were asleep when Claire left you in your hospital room. She still has a few of your documents that needed sorting out. Well, that and having to deal with the man – with both of his hands placed on his waist, pacing – waiting for her at the end of the lobby.

“How is she?” Sidney asks Claire the moment he was within hearing distance.

She ignores him. Instead, she goes inside the waiting room and acknowledges the presence of Catherine alongside Kris and Evgeni.

“How is she?” Catherine shoots the same question.

Claire initially answers with a nod then proceeds, “She’s going to be fine. We just need to let her get some rest.”

Cath nods as well as the others.

“And the baby?”

Claire doesn’t give a definite answer.

“We’re still waiting for several results.”

“W-Why?” Sidney jumps in the conversation. “Did something happen to the baby?”

Unfortunately, as much as Claire wanted to hit Sidney’s face, she couldn’t. She wasn’t in the hospital just because she’s your friend. Simply put, duty calls. And right now, Sidney demands her of it.

“I am not at liberty to disclose anything at the moment, but I assure you, we are doing the best we can.” she tells Sidney despite not meeting his eyes.

“Will you at least let me see her?” He pleads.

“I don’t think so.” she states firmly.

“What– Why?” Sidney asks quite defensively. “I am her emergency contact person!”

“No, you are not.” she informs him. “You cannot see her files because you are no longer her emergency contact person. I am now. You are neither her next of kin nor are you married. And if you are present as any partner should have, you would know.”

Sidney scoffs, “That’s bullshit.”

“You are not my patient, Sid. I am in no way responsible for disclosing information Y/N clearly doesn’t want to share with you.”

“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?” Sidney complains.

“I have nothing to say to you.” Claire tells him.

“I can’t believe how unprofessional you can be!” Sidney exclaims when Claire continues to ignore his requests.

“No,” She looks at him for a moment, gets back to reading your form on her clipboard, and meets Sid’s eyes once again. “It’s the consequences.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

The Letangs come in between the two to mitigate the tension, “We’ll just wait for as long as we need to.”

“Why? What’s the plan, Sid? Huh? Isn’t this what you wanted? To spend your years like Jagr?”

“Don’t you fucking go there.” He warns.

Even more appalled by Sidney’s reaction, Claire grins and shrugs shamelessly before walking away.

“I think I just did.”

𖥸

Sidney did not exactly know how he did it and how fast he had done it, but as soon as Claire had her hands full, he went straight to grab the brass metal of the door knob leading to your room.

Quietly, as he spared one last glance of his surroundings, he turns it and opens the door.

It was perhaps a good thing that your bed was not adjacent to the doorway. Sidney could not fully comprehend the things wrecking his brain all at once. Although he knew of one thing: he finally gets to see you.

It was indeed a good thing that your bed was not adjacent to the doorway. Your mind drifts right off the tip of your finger as you look outside your window. The fog was so even and misty that it made the entire window a blur. The only thing you could see were the steady white lights of that huge corner block building fashioned by the noise of cars driving off to a better place than the four corners of your hospital bedroom.

Judging by the scenery, you could tell that it was well past midnight.

As you lie with your still aching heart, you find yourself grazing your stomach ever so gently as if you were holding something– someone, much more meaningful than your entire being.

If only he was–

“Hey.”

He is.

Sidney had both of his hands resting on his side alienated by the thick air he usually causes. It was a battle as to whether to go near you or stay still. But judging by the way you looked at him so strangely, he knew he didn’t have any other choice.

You watch him inch himself closer until he is already at the foot of the bed. He looked unusually small for a man of his stature. Your eyes did not miss a thing. You saw the hesitant look he had coupled with the urgency that is perhaps all too late to be paraded before your eyes.

Despite noticing all that, in Sidney’s eyes, you did nothing but look. He was scared not because it made him uneasy. He was scared because you have never looked at him that way.

There are so many things to be said but Sidney was at a loss for words. He wanted to ask how you were; how the baby was. He wanted to say how sorry he felt for leaving and how dumb it was to let you suffer when he could’ve been there like he should have. He wanted to let you know how badly he prays and hopes that you’ll find it in yourself to forgive him. But mostly, he just really wished that you’d still want to make it work and build that family – with him.

How could he say all that when it feels like you were miles away beyond his reach despite him already holding your hand?

Finally, as though the words have only occurred to him, he asks, “How are you?”

He looks back at you as intently as he thought you did. However, your eyes mirrored his, unwillingly. Sidney takes the empty seat beside your bed; never letting go of his hold on you.

Soon enough, you look away and aim your attention onto his hands. Both of his palms embraced your hand oh so desperately, pleading a prayer only he could hear.

“I’m sorry.” he says, eyes now misty with tears. “It’s all my fault. I should’ve been with you. I’m sorry. I was selfish. Please please forgive me.” he adds, pressing wet and much more desperate kisses on your hand.

He waited for you to say something in return but he received nothing. You looked at him exactly the way you did when he arrived; sparing him a blink or two whenever your eyes got tired.

It was the kind of silence Sidney wasn’t accustomed to. It was the kind of silence he never knew.

Until now. Until you.

His voice breaks when he decides to speak yet again.

“Please say something.” he desperately asks.

But you don’t.

You just lie in the same cold bed, letting him hold your hand.

Afraid of what has become you, Sidney masks his fear with a wide smile albeit it didn’t do any better. It just made him feel worse. Maybe even a thousand times more than he’s already had.

“Mon amour…” he calls you. “Please talk to me.”

You blink and look away.

Sorrow now filling the void he feels from within, Sidney sees your hand that was still resting atop your stomach.

For the first time, he then dared to ask, “How… How's the baby?”

Sidney sees you look at him yet again as if to finally acknowledge his presence in the room.

However, the words you spoke next nearly made him wish you did not bother at all.

“There is no baby, Sidney.”

You spit the words like vile coursing from your throat; voice hoarse from the eventful night.

“W-What?” he stammers, evidently shocked at your uninhibited way of revealing such news.

“There is no baby.” you repeat just as you remove your hand from his hold.

“You may go.” you quietly add, looking away.

Confused, off-guard, and terrified, Sidney tries to grasp the thought of the truth.

“What do you mean there is no baby?” Sidney begins to flood you with queries. “They must have read the tests wrong. It can’t be right, can it? Claire told Cathy everything was fine! We do have a baby!” he nearly grovels trying to get a hold of you, pleading.

“We have a baby, y/n.” He breaks. “We’re going to be a family.”

Oh you’d kill to have him say those words when you needed him to. Only he didn’t. And that is the truth you’re now choosing.

“I need you to go, Sidney.” you respond calmly, frustrating him even more.

“Please, y/n!” he cries. “What happened to our baby?”

“It’s gone, alright!” you lose it just as Sidney’s world begins to crumble, “You got what you wanted!”

You blink away the tears about to break just as you say, “I need you to go because I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“No– There’s got to be another way for us. We always find a way.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Sidney.” you reiterate. “I don’t think we should be together.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re mad at me,” he argues. “Just be mad at me, y/n!”

He grabs your hand and places it close to his cheek. You can feel the tears on his skin and his desperate cry to escape the inevitable.

You look at him with the same fondness you once had. The last he’ll ever see.

“It’s over, Sid.” you declare. “I don’t want this– I don’t want to be with you.”

“Y/N… please,” he says. “I’m begging you.”

“Leave, Sidney.” you reach for the red button on the side of your bed, hoping to get Claire.

Sidney’s tears continue to fall. But you no longer care.

“I can’t do this without you.” he says in between sobs.

You press the red button repeatedly. You wipe your tears away wishing Claire would get to you faster.

“Please don’t end us.” he says, knees already on the cold hospital floor; a complete mess. “Please don’t make me leave.”

Before you can push him further away, the door to your room abruptly opens; Kris and Geno come into view.

With a firm yet cautious voice, Geno calls him. “Sidney.”

Kris puts an arm over Sidney’s shoulder, “Let her get some rest.”

“Y/N–” Sidney calls for you once more; bearing with him the thought of losing his son and his son’s mother. The family you wanted a little too early. The family he wanted a little too late. The painful truth that Sidney chose to carry with him for years however ugly and cruel you made it to be just so he can still make it seem real.

If only he knew.

series taglist: to be reblogged! [tumblr crashes a lot and won't let me post smh]

note: woooow been a hot min! how's everyone? i hope you liked this long over-due update i'm so sorry life got in the way for a bit. anw, you know how much of a sucker i am for interaction so lmk what you think love ya! ♡

add yourself to the series taglist here. i appreciate all kinds of feedback! ♡

#sidney crosby #sidney crosby imagine #sidney crosby x reader #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction #sidney crosby fanfiction #call me crosby #cmc #barzzal imagines #letters to crosby #the gif... very telling

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