#we all good today

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[obsob]

hmm anyway. holds u in my arms

#mine #cats #i did this a while ago n forgot 2 post whoopsies !! #anyway. my brain was so so small today colouring is so hard but...i think i may...have a solution....perhaps....we will test 2morrow and se #i hope everyone has had a good beginning to ur week also #tomorrow i need2 do orders and fix colouirng maybe and then thrusday finish colouring n then friday im going BIRD WATCHING #its fun ducks season i love fun ducks #ducks r so easy. unlike say a plover or a bunting of which there r 1000 and they are all the same

[raccocoo]

Jennifer Coolidge for Paper Magazine

#they ate she ate we are all eating good today #Jennifer coolidge #aesthetic #cottagecore #cottagecore aesthetic #paper magazine #photography #photoshoot #fashion #fashion magazine #2 broke girls #the white lotus #legally blonde #a series of unfortunate events #seinfeld #promising young woman

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #me telling a coworker who I have been working with for 4 months and whose name I do not know about my toenails #i'm sorry Tobias (?? Paul ??) it was the only topic I could come up with after I already told you about the big bird I saw in 8th grade #FRIENDS how are you!! :) how has the new year been so far!! #did you have a lot of snow on christmas! #we did and it was really fun! I had a very bad cold so I just watched the snow from inside but that was good too c: #do you have any plans for the new year? #i always have lot and most of the time I do not do any of them but planning is fun #this year I REALLY want to watch all of Star Trek ヽ(´∇｀)ﾉ #I would also love to learn how to make a handstand #imagine if you could just make yourself upside down #but it is a far away dream because honestly I am not very good at being usual side up most of the time either #but I will try probably at least 2 times to learn it ( ᐛ ) #maybe I'll finally finish that website! #new years are good and fun #it's wild to think about how much daily life has changed since last year but I feel just the same :) #who knows what this year will bring! #I hope I don't hit a pheasant with my car #I almost hit a pheasant with my car last year and the pheasant made direct eye contact #I wonder how he is doing today #since that moment I think about pheasants a lot #I knew they were real but I had never seen one #just to know they are out there is a mystical feeling #right know it is raining so all the pheasants might be wet #get dry soon pheasants!! #I don't think I've ever seen a wet bird either #I don't know what do do with all these birds thoughts #also thank you for the person who asked about my skirt!! ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ #I've finished it and its really really bad #but I love it

[napping-sapphic]

I just want to fall in love with someone who makes me feel safe like even when we’re angry or sad or upset i just want to know that both of us are still going to be okay

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #today was….not good #and at one point i had a moment #where i was just unbearably SAD and LONELY because i didn’t have anyone to call or talk to about it #but im still really hopeful it will happen some day #because all i want in this world is to feel secure #and for others to feel secure around me #and for everyone to feel secure around people they love #because it’s so painful and scary when you don’t #but one day im going to be warm and happy in someone’s arms and will barely remember this at all #im manifesting it #im completely okay btw things just got a little rough #and in the incredibly stressful and dramatic times i was experiencing my brain STILL had to be gay #im gay and i like sleeping #also yeah i said i wouldnt post after midnight again like two days ago but whatever #im sad and want to yearn on the internet we can make an exception tonight

[chodoyodes]

#worked on this all day today yay!!! #pls click for good quality 💖❤️ #chodo draws #doctor who #ninth doctor #rose tyler #ninerose #doctor who fanart #timepetals #WE R SO FUCKING BACK #nine x rose

[expelliarmus]

#mine #doctor who #dwedit #david tennant #catherine tate #just needed my own gifset of this :') #i really like colouring this scene too!!! it always comes out so nice! #also still can't believe we got a hand kiss and forehead kiss in one episode!!! AMAZING #today i was very busy!!! #my important errands of the day was going out to get myself hot chocolate #and buying ice cream sandwiches #oh and then household chores i guess #but yeah :'))) #hope you all had a good day!

[satans-knitwear]

My eyes are up there ^^ keep going, at the top. 👀

Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me

#It's a good hat. We're all looking at the hat. #But also my hips look very nice. Someone should get their hands on those. #cheeky #satans knitwear #girls with piercings #alt pinup #pinup girl #Mesh lingerie #bi girl #uk girl #Pupdate: my babydog is still poorly and not eating. Am up every hour giving her water with a baby syringe #She threw up bile a bit last night but she has managed to eat some yoghurt today. Her course of meds ends tomorrow so we shall see #My poor little baby is not having a good time. My heart hurts so much. #She still wags when she sees me tho so she doesn't hate me for forcibly hydrating her or inflicting gross medicine on her

[kedreeva]

Okay if you haven't yet, and you have Netflix/Paramount+, consider giving "School Spirits" a chance.

It looks like a silly little cheesy teenage ghosts show, I put it on for background noise, and then got totally engrossed in the mystery. It's VERY well written, very well filmed, the mystery was GREAT and the payoff at the end is also great.

One of the things majorly lacking in shows I've recently tried to watch is that they try to do a twist/reveal at the end that comes out of nowhere. They don't want you to guess what they're doing. This show doesn't do that. This show wants you to guess. They give you seven different mysteries and enough clues to guess (most of) what is going on, so that when you get the final puzzle piece to any given mystery, it feels GREAT.

The story premise is this: a teenager in hs wakes up as a ghost in the hs, and doesn't remember how she died, and with the help of the other ghosts, tries to solve the mystery of her own death.

Simple premise. BEAUTIFULLY executed. Not all of the questions that arise get answered, but the main one (what she doesn't remember) gets solved by the end of the season, leaving the "why/how and what comes next" to be carried to the next season. It does a cliffhanger RIGHT. But now I desperately want to see the second season (which I believe has been approved, so it's a matter of waiting).

So pretty please, if you're looking for something to do and a great, engaging lil mystery to watch, consider! School Spirits!!

#school spirits #there is so much in this show #Spike and I finished watching it today #her for the first time me for the second #and the second time through it was even better because I was picking up the right threads #the first time through there are SO MANY CLUES #but there are also SO MANY MYSTERIES that you aren't sure which clues belong to which mystery #and then the last half of the last ep hits #and dumps out all the final puzzle pieces to several mysteries #and we spent like an hour digging through thoughts afterword #pulling out themes and clues #and there are some potentially REALLY CLEVER things done #and actually they 100% followed through on the things they set forth and paid off so far #so I feel pretty confident some of the things we pieced together actually belong to the puzzle #and aren't just mistakes #or coincidences #and it's been so long since I got to see actually good writing STAY good writing through #I'm so stoked for this series

[kreftropod]

Absolutely loving the fact that, despite Dracula being adapted to death and back by media over the last century, a lot of people don't actually know the original story. As in, here we are, in 2022, tagging spoilers for a 125 year old novel that most people thought they knew from it's countless adaptations but turned out to not know at all. It's great. I love it. Thanks for sharing your first-time reactions to this comedy of an old book.

#it's good to remember that we have 125 years of hindsight when reading this though #people back in 1897 didn't know the things we know today #their worldview was very different from ours and they didn't know all the spooky tropes we know today #since yknow this book was part of the ones who started those tropes to begin with #yes Dracula is a comedy by todays standard and please continue to make fun of our Dear Friend Jonathan and Domestic Teeabo Dracula #but also remember that this book is Old as Fuck #and very old timey English(tm) #so there's inevitably gonna be descriptions and character-opinions that reflect that #just good to keep in mind #anyway love yall #keep on what you're doing #I'm having a blast reading all of your funny Dracula posts #Dracula Daily #Dracula #Bram Stoker's Dracula #babbling in the tags I guess

[unproduciblesmackdown]

always enjoyed the Chess Set In The Foreground perspective framing used here

now also noting like, huh, a chess set in a general store just visited by marigold competitors who killed one of their guys and are now on the way back from their rendezvous point w/suppliers

#and now to take a big sip of ''nothing suggests lackadaisy ft. people stuck / things repeating / death begetting death'' #not like i suppose we're going to be hit with ''& then mordecai and viktor sat down at the defiance field office for every passing gangster #played chess and then went and properly slaughtered the lackadaisy crew and arbogasts at the funeral home / barn w/car-sized holes'' #good reminder though that Viktor Is Now Active....left off with elsa managing to give him a phonecall; for good measure #lackadaisy #i have no lengthy Mitzi Mordecai Murder Mystery Musings posts for today (b/c not enough fresh musing insights) but no prommies #epiphanies are on their own schedule #quite the chess piece arrangement seen there too lol. can't tell if there's any Classic Configuration in the game b/w viktor & mordecai #not a chesshead and never was lol strategy games??? who's that #or i'll play them but not strategically. invented Flick Chess for indoor recess in elementary school #you flick a piece across the board and whatever you knock off the board = you took those pieces lmfao #though not like that has Zero strategy. thinking of my day enjoying tiddlywinks research #imagine my delight revisiting all this material like oh yeah the little pic of freckle tiddlywinking #let's squop; boys #i'm also supposing that chess sets? checkers sets? and etc. would be common general store features; like phone usage....real general.... #but like; what; are we expecting this Not to bring a response from marigold lol #got the nervous twitch but they're like ''ah it's fine. cost of doing business''

[benevolenterrancy]

i really do love that lan wangji is secretly an enormous bitch to jiang cheng specifically it's seriously too funny

#don't worry he had all the pictures backed up of course #mdzs #lan wangji #lan zhan #jiang cheng #wangxian #the untamed #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #i think this is the second b99 quote i've pilfered for mdzs art #the art Did Not Turn Out this time but for some reason i could not make anything look good #so we get bad art today but the joke is exorcised from my system and sometimes that's all you can ask for #my art

[obsob]

here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud!!

✷(print shop)✷

#mine #original #euheuhe hello..i hope everyone is having a good day #we are going on a bird boat thing on wednesday im very excited about it #what else.....me and my bf went on a walk on sunday and i saw damsel flies and shield bugs and a duck with 13 ducklings #i bought a jellycat sun bag which is now all i talk about #ive started reading assassins apprentice by robin hobb!!!! its so good!!!! #im so excited there are so many books in the series to read #i doubt i will like all of them but i will give them all a go #today i will stop and hve dinner n then walk the dog and then do exercise and have a bath #and then i will. play zelda #and then tomorrow i will do shop stuff and also help my mum buy a bench apparently #i need to buy snacks also. i hve a snack stash in my rooom bc of mental illness purposes and i am low.....need snacks #maybe i will do that tomorrow. brain schedule is full up for today sorry #also. unrelated. i have my period???? again????? ive already had it this month hello i dont need another im good im all done #my hormones r going ??OAGHGHGHUH #also i want like . cute bra. but like not a bra like just cloth thats like. tit shaped. a bralet? is that what that is? no idea #anyway. hve nice evening. or else. #i have a headache #OH ALSO. i need to legally chnage my name SKFSABJSBK #put that on th todo list #i cant rmemeber how 2 do it i think it was very straight forward n cost like. £10 or smth

[taurielofmirkwood77777]

#we fucking won today people #let's all gather 'round #and pray to our god michael sheen #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens s2 #good omens season 2 #good omens season two #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #michael sheen

[lululeighsworld]

it was literally their moment and they just let us watch

(if you need me i'll be marinating in this for the foreseeable future)

#magneto #rogue #rogneto #rogueneto #IT WAS SO DIFFICULT TO PICK ONLY 10 IMAGES. SOSOSOSO DIFFICULT. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCENE WAS FUCKING SUBLIME. #thank you to the person who pointed out the bg music is ace of base 'happy nation' ;wwwwwww; SUCH A GOOD SONG FOR THIS #okay but for real never have i had a stronger 'GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME' moment #magneto can we all form a queue to dance with you romantically in the air while an audience watches............. #their body language. their HANDS. OLD MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR TONGUE BY HER NECK #no word of a lie ive probably watched this scene 200 times today. new comfort media. inject it directly into my veins. #my husband laughing at me as i rewind and play over and over again from the other side of the room #my fave fave FAAAAVE part of this animation is the lil pan they do #the one between mags and rogue and the lyric 'where the people understand and dream of perfect man' #THERE IS SOMETHING SO SOFT AND ROMANTIC AND ADORING ABOUT IT #disintegrates like a sopping wet piece of bread. thank you animators who worked on this scene #i feel like i am burning with the excitement of a thousand suns over this #xmen 97 #leigh's magneto hours

[woffles-4-waffles]

I GIVE THY LORD GARMADON, KING OF THE UNDERWORLD

#i have a headcannon that he slowly morphed into good ol four arms we know today #and that instead of beating Samukai as soon as he got there he rose though the ranks and overthrew Samukai #him morphing into an oni would match up with Wu growing old. with them being separated being the cause of this change #he also would mess with his brother and give random evil monologs as a shadow all the time #ninjago #ninjago fanart #ninjago garmadon #lord Garmadon #garmadon #young garmadon #garmadon fanart #also me just realizing that the outfit looks like season 4 monkie kid- #fanart #art