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darkmatterxafricanempires · 6 years

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There’s this older dude in my life, never met him he’s more of a mentor-figure. Was introduced to him through an uncle, he’s like a family-friend uncle (black ppl you may be familiar, random adults introduced in your life from childhood and beyond and they’re your play uncles and aunties more so out of respect versus a familial obligation).

Anyways, he’s a nice guy, we only chat through what’s app, he’s a professor at a university. I’ve been kind of lost on what I want to do for a career (had a plan, saw plan through, did not like end game...twas public relations, and it just wasn’t my jam).

I talked to him on the phone first, he suggested public administration, lots of transferable skills and fulfilling job opportunities. I check out some programs, and do some research and I’m like cool, I think I’d like this. Mentor-uncle helps me with my application, revising, editing and making suggestions. I apply to the program and I get in.

FF about a year later, (present-day ish) the program is near the end and I’m still unclear on what to do professionally. I know what I don’t want to do, but my exact vision is unclear (it’s not that it’s unclear, it’s just unconventional, and I’m still conceptualizing how to execute it).

Mentor-uncle doesn’t live in close by, he’s about 5hr drive and 1hr plane ride away. He’s visiting where I live for a board meeting. My mother suggests I meet up with him to discuss more career aspirations, I’m like “nah.” He’s done a lot to help me, but I feel like he doesn’t have much to offer me now.

He reaches out to me directly and lets me know he’s going to be in town, I already knew this of course, but I felt obligated (guilt induced by being child of immigrant parents, whatever) so I offer to pick him up from the airport, grab a bite to eat, and drop him off at his hotel.

Kinda going above and beyond, I know, but he really helped me w/ my shitty application, and I’m 92% I would not have been admitted to my program without his help. So it’s my own way of saying thanks, and balancing the playing field, and repaying this debt to him I’ve created in my head.

So everything’s set, I’m gonna be his uber driver for a lil bit. Signals get slightly crossed, he’s arriving at an airport that a lot further out of my way but closer to his hotel. I’m running a bit behind (leaving from school which is north-er, his airport is downtown a lot more south), so to avoid missing his check-in time he calls a cab, and takes that to his hotel. Annoying (bc I arrive the airport 5mins after he leaves) but understandable bc he wants to secure his room.

He asks me meet to him at his hotel instead, we can grab dinner and part ways from there, cool. Meet him at his hotel, for the first time in person. All is well, he’s nice in-person. He grabs his stuff we ask the ppl at the front desk for a suggestion, bing bang boom. We end up at this cute 24-hour cafe restaurant. Dinner is relatively nice, he’s a middle-aged, well-educated african man, a little self-involved and pompous but not obnoxiously so.

Not to toot my own horn, but I have a great sense of humour, a lot would say I’m funny in fact. And I can be a little bit of flirt, but more in a compliment you on a random aspect of your life kind of charming way, like some pg-13 flirting maybe G, not the AA and/or rated-X kind. Unless I’m trying to go that route yaaaaaa dig 👀👀.

Anyways, dinner was IMO quite platonic, plus mentor-uncle has a wife and a kid back in the motherland, so there are no romantic or sexually driven thoughts or feelings running through my head at alllllllllll (plus I’m maaaad gay, so nah).

Red flag #1

I think (there may have been others, but I’m not sure). I’ve parked my car right across from his hotel, in a green p (toronto slang for a paid parking garage, not really slang bc that’s what they’re called). We walk past this green p and continue onwards to his hotel (retrospect: should’ve taken that moment to just say bye, go to my car, and dip home)

We’re walking into his hotel, my internal dialogue is on overdrive (I’ve done my good deed for the night, there’s really nowhere else I see this evening going). We get back to him room, I go sit down in one of the 2 chairs by the tv and he lays down in his bed. (red flag #1.5)

Red flag #2

he says, “why don’t you come and lay down with me and we can talk here.” I’m like, “Nooooo.” Pretty insistently, because, no. He keeps probing, saying it’s a king-size bed there’s plenty of room for the two of us to just lay down and talk. I’m still very strong in my no’s and I say I’m fine where I am.

So admittedly I should’ve taken this opportunity for to make a swift exit, clearly he thinks this evening can end with us in bed, and there’s no way I’m letting that happen. So there’s bit of a silence and I’m thinking of all the ways I can leave abruptly without being extremely rude (and I hate it so much, that I’m concerned with being rude, when he’s being the penultimate rude boy inviting me to his bed to “talk.”

Red-flag #2.5-3

He gets out of his king-sized to sit in the chair next to mine, by the TV. He doesn’t read too much in to my rebuttals, instead shows me the agenda for his board meeting the next morning, *yawn*. He’s wondering what’s on TV, it’s late-ish, we’re watching Stephen Colbert with Anna Wintour and some next guy looking at ancient catholic artifacts, in relation to the met gala.

Whatever, it ends we’re now watching James Corden. He’s got Zlattan on as a guest, some really famous arrogant european soccer player. So I’m just plotting my polite exit strategy in my head, and after some fortune teller segment, I’m like “So I’m going to leave now.” He’s all like “it’s sooo late, you don’t have to leave. Just the spend the night, I’ve got this king-size bed...there’s plenty of room” etc. And again, I’m like “Nooooo that’s fine, I’m going leave.”

He’s really pushy on me spending the night, I’m equally pushy saying no that’s fine. He goes on to say, “So you’re really going to leave me here all alone, all by myself.” Some super manipulative bullshit like that, and I’m like “Yes, yes I am going to do exactly that.” The vibes were never threatening or violent, just persistent, creepy and overbearing. So he accepts my answer and was like, “Can I least get a hug since you’re leaving me.” And I know sooo many women, probably even some men even have dealt with this reverse-psychology mindfuckery. And again, I should’ve declined but I felt bad, strangely guilty even though I had no real reason to be.

I obliged gave him a hug, I was super tense. And it was pretty short, then as we’re exiting the room, he asks for a real hug, I again stupidly oblige, still super tense and it’s this horribly long uncomfortable hug where he proceeds to feel up my back and sides. And I’m just horrified, feeling so frozen and gross, but perfectly able to end this one-sided grope session. I can see our reflection behind him in a mirror, and I look disgusted with him and myself for continuing this for no good reason.

He pulls back, looks me in the eye and leans for a gross closed mouth uncle kiss, I tense up, and deer in headlights just allow this unwanted kiss to happen, my mouth scrunched up in utter disgust. He pulls a back again and repeats, and again I just allow this to happen. “Whyyyyyyyyyyy!!???!?” I’m screaming at myself in my mind. Finally this awkward ass embrace ends, I feel even more disgusted, again with myself for non-verbally consenting to this shit through my inaction. And with him, at thinking this was okay at any point in time ever.

He gives me a smile, I know I’ve got some kind of grimace-y forced smile on my face, and I’m super expressive especially in my facial reactions so theres no way I look okay/content/happy.

So he walks me to my car at the green p, and insists that we need to see each other again before leaves. I, still being the well-mannered, respectful, “gracious” young lady, say “probably not, but we’ll see” bc we’re both busy the next day, and he flies out the following morning. In my mind screaming at myself, why are you still keeping up appearances with this fucking piece of shit garbage face man.

We say our goodbyes, I speed off and that’s it for our encounter. I’m driving home, sad AF, just really really really disappointed in myself for letting it even get that far. So i’m just casually crying and driving home and that’s the end of that tale.

I just felt so stupid, and gross, and just like I got played. And I’m just so upset with him for even trying that bullshit on me. Our exchanges have been the utmost of platonic, and for him to suggest or assume anything otherwise is just so predatory and gross.

I suppose I’m really thankful because this whole situation could have sooooooooooo much worse, like a lot worse if he was a violent man. But strangely (and fucked-upedly), if he was more aggressive I would have felt so much more justified in acting more brash, maybe being more of a bitch, and really actually standing my ground wholeheartedly.

I dunno this happened just last evening, like just over 24hrs ago (May 10th), so I’m still processing but I do feel a lot better about the whole situation, but still uber gross.

This is a super long post, so 3 cheers if you made it through. 🙃

I journaled about it too the night of and that kind of helped. And I debriefed with my dad the following morning. He was surprisingly supportive and very understanding. I love my dad, but he’s the same guy who believes men should have multiple wives bc what’s a husband to do for sex after wife #1 has a baby...

But he made me feel better when he told me he hates when ppl especially men do things like this, and take advantage of women/the situation. With everything going on with the #metoomovement you’d think men in positions of power would be more cautious, he even stated this.. Although, he did ask me if I gave any signs or signals to encourage his behaviour (and I ran through the entire situation myself in my head, several times, thinking the same. Did I give off any vibes or behaviour to promote this? And I truly didn’t. Besides being friendly, naaaah. Which is still no excuse for him at all).

My dad said I should confront him, and tell him how he made me feel. I just wanted to block him and pretend like he never existed. I found a happy medium and told him via what’s app, that he made me feel extremely uncomfortable and said that it was in no way my intention to lead him on if I had. He tried calling me back immediately after a few times, but I wasn’t ready to talk, so I ignored the calls.

I tried calling him back several hours later (roughly 11ish hours later) bc 1) I’m kinda petty AF and wanted him to stew in his feelings like I had for hours 2) bc I did deserve an apology and maybe just some perspective on WTF he was thinking and where or what was he acting from.

He didn’t pick up and I’m high-key super grateful he didn’t, bc although I’m not horrible at it. But confrontation isn’t my strong suit.

TL;DR: mentor figure betrays trust through unwanted sexual advancements and suggestions

#text post #sorry for the tldr #tldr i know #personal post #super personal post #abuse of power #mentorship gone wrong #disappointed #tw harassment

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