#we are aware of our whiteness

[cdfreak]

im not saying anything new here theres probably a million like proper well written essays about this out there but the deep intense self-centeredness white people (especially american white people) carry is innnnnsane. everything has to be about Me everything has to somehow relate back to how it would affect Me and how Eye am the victim here. we claim self defense when committing violence against people of color, hold an iron grip on positions of power culturally and politically, are made uncomfortable when shown movies that arent about us. even when engaging with discussions about racism it has to be about us and our guilt. you see it all the time in white queer circles, we find out about harmful homophobic or transphobic legislation in the global south and dont spare a thought for our brothers and sisters living there - the conversation becomes instead about us and how this could hypothetically affect our lives. See a homeless man suffering, think instead about how it makes us uncomfortable or scared instead of feeling for him and what he is going through. im kind of just rambling but this pattern pops up literally everywhere once you start noticing it and its very very eye opening to see how white supremacy rewards and reinforces these behaviors in us and how in turn we reinforce white supremacy in day to day life

#theres also the way Me begins expanding to include things we own or even people we think of as Ours (girlfriend #or kids etc) and how white supremacy encourages that selfishness and desire to Own and Claim #and how capitalism and oppressive forces benefit from and also encourage this kind of selfishness (selfishness is the death of community and #im sure were all aware of how much easier it is to oppress the isolated and to make more money off the isolated) #but i dont think i really can even begin unpacking all that #and verbalizing it effectively #gone fishing

[roseverdict]

not looking forward to my parents trying to go "oh hey nice tax return the government gave you as a handout. give it to us for the family cruise" when i don't really want to go on the family cruise nearly as much as they do

#rosie babbles #but yknow. choice is an illusion #this is also the 20th-odd time the parents have gone on abt #'and remember to be careful because if we go off on our own we Will Be Kidnapped' #i understand the need to be aware in a new location but i think that impressing this upon us this hard for places where POC live is a bit. #eeugh. #i'm p sure there's better things to do than kidnap a touristy middle-aged white couple and their dead-inside adult kids who won't have the #money to buy their own souvenirs if things go as i expect them to in the next few months #unfortunately parents' house parents' rules. 😪

[biblicalhorror]

The most frustrating part of engaging in any of this discourse with pro-Israel people is that they claim there's just something ineffable about "seeing and understanding" how supporting Palestinian liberation is directly calling for the eradication of Jewish people (as if that type of rhetoric isn't exactly how actual antisemitism often manifests in online spaces but that's a topic for another day)

They get through people debunking the "the land belongs to the people of Israel anyway" argument and the "LGBTQ Palestinians are safe in Israel" argument and the "Genocide isn't what's happening here so you should educate yourself" argument and when all of those points are meticulously disproven over and over they still stand with "Well, myself and your Jewish friends see the hate you have in your heart for us" and it truly doesn't matter what you say at that point because even if you yourself are Jewish they will claim that refusing to support the state, government and military of Israel is inherently hateful and bigoted, as if a religious ethnostate is some inherent human right that is being taken away from them. I know many of them are blinded by the relentless propaganda that's been around their whole lives and how hard it is to break free from a belief system that is so tied to your core identity as a human being but it is so frustrating watching people being led straight to the point over and over again and just turning around and refusing to see it.

It's also so frustrating to see people using the momentum of this movement to casually tack on actual antisemitism to these discussions, as if having Jewish people in positions of power is why the US bends over backwards to excuse the actions of Israel and not, yknow, the fact that our government directly benefits from having a military stronghold in the middle east. I've talked to some well-meaning pro-Palestine friends irl who casually use antisemetic talking points because they've ALSO bought into the narrative that Israeli = Jewish and so they blame the actions of Israel and the IDF on Jewish people's "religious values" and ignore the fact that this conflict really has almost nothing to do with religion itself and everything to do with capitalism, imperialism and maintaining the US's status as a so-called "global power".

#dont get me wrong there are lots of people on the pro palestine side who are very much aware of and vigilant against antisemitic rhetoric #but i genuinely worry about some of my non-jewish leftist friends and allies falling down some super shady pipelines because of all of this #i spend a lot of my time on my public facing social media sharing articles and graphics and whatnot about antisemitism #and how careful we need to be when calling out these atrocities and our government's complicity in them #but when one side is genuinely claiming with no evidence or argument that being against colonial occupation is just antisemitism #it makes it so hard to call out actual antisemitism within these spaces bc it delegitimizes antisemitism as a concern #i just want to scream #like. im not even jewish and i vividly remember when we had a special lesson in girl scouts about how wonderful Israel is #and they had us make little mini versions of the israel flag and they told us that israel stood for the safety of the jewish people #and i came home and i told my mom about how cool israel was #and she promptly pulled me out of girl scouts #which at the time felt unfair because she didnt explain why #but also how do you explain the horrors of colonialism and imperialism to your newly zionist 10 year old #anyway the point is that if i as a non-jewish girl scout was exposed to that kind of propaganda #i can only imagine how inescapable it must be for many american jews in the US #and i truly empathize with the amount of unlearning that needs to be done #and how hard it must be to let go of some of these ideas #but that doesnt make it any less frustrating to watch these dynamics play out on such a massive scale #and i hold so much respect for people in white jewish communities re-educating themselves and standing on the right side of history #as well as for all of the people of color and especially American Palestinians standing up and using their voices as much as they do #personal

[snekdood]

Some of yall deeply underestimate how much some cis men are threatened by trans men and our masculinity. How theres so many cis dudes out there that want to rape us, thinking that will make us detransition. How many incels out there are mad at us for betraying womanhood and not sucking their dick. How much they want to force us to detransition, how much they want to kill us and force us into hiding which, to me, minus well be killing us since theyre smothering who we are for the sake of a status quo. We shake their fundamental understanding of the world. Its one thing for a GIRL to be a tomboy to them. They think its cute, like a baby pretending to be an adult. Its a whole other thing for someone percieved as a woman to try to actually be a man to them. They think thw fact we have the gal to assume we can escape their grasp, to escape the kitchen or whatever tf, means we're disrespecting them and trying to "destroy" them, rather than what it really is, us trying to be independent. We're the exact thing these types of cis men hate. Sometimes they tolerate (emphasis here bc im not saying they accept yall. Dont twist my words)trans women bc they fetishize them but they want to completely eradicate us becayse we threaten the patriarchy by virtue of deciding we dont need a man to take care of us, we want to be the man that takes care of ourselves.

#and bc ik how some of yall are on this site and how uncharitable you are let me be clear: just because they TOLERATE trans women/fems #sometimes. doesnt mean i think they actually respect you or see you as you. im not abot to say you somehow have it easier. they want to use #you and then dump your body somewhere. im well aware of that. but they *also* want to entirely entrap us and our identities and keep us #smothered with no escape. its why were seeing child marriage laws. its why were seeing anti abortion laws. its why we're seeing rights #stripped away from ppl wrongly percieved as women becayse theyre so threatened by us and how we think we can be on our own #that they have to try more extreme measures ro control us our bodies and self expression. its why candace owens goes on saying #'does women voting actually do any good for anyone??' #and no. entrapment isnt them somehow caring about us mlre than you. thats their alternative to killing us but its not an alternative bc it #fundamentally strips us of our rights and autonomy. and also. entrapping us and forcing us out of our gender. like i said. minus well be #killing us. its not likely we'll just get to run away free from these men if they get this type of power. its more likely they kill us for #even daring to betray them their values and words. #so how tf is anyone more privileged in this situation? in trans spaces? can we really fucking say someone has it worse rn. #is it really worth it to try to divide and weigh who has it worse. bc they want both os us dead for being who we are. #and its not like they dont offer yall an out to. its just their out is ALSO basically killing yourself bc they want you to conform to #cishet white manhood. #also it goes both ways. cis women are like this towards trans women. its the proximity effect. #where you get more upset with different people who are also more like you than other ppl #the difference i'd argue though is cis men- at least the ones in power- have more of an ability to remove us than cis women #like its easier for them to do.

[lynnedwardswrites]

Finally started watching the Vox Machina animated series because I was once a Critter, but gave up about 7 episodes in because I just can't handle how simplifying the story into a TV series this way makes it obvious the kind of problematic themes and tropes the story relies on.

I could go on and on about misogyny and supremacy in general but I'll spare you, because I think most people are literate enough about those kinds of issues they can figure that stuff out themselves with a close inspection.

What I *do* want to talk about is how Vox Machina handles religion, because the Pike's-broken-amulet arc was so not-self-aware about real religious issues that it felt like Christian/fundamentalist propaganda (the kind that's often used to support homophobia, for example) and that is super weird for the Critical Role people.

(Fair warning: I only made it to episode 7, so I did not see Pike's return, only how her narrative was set up. I confirmed my suspicions by reading a summary, though, and I did see the original D&D.)

Ok so summary details in brackets, thoughts below:

Pike's magic god-speaking amulet breaks, so she goes to the temple of The Everlight to try to fix it and the already christianity-flavored religious figures are like "Don't worry child, we accept everyone as they are."

Good, great, everything is correct so far, and I mean everything. I don't know a church out there (except perhaps the most violent of homophobic ones) that won't say "we/Jesus accepts everyone as they are." The Mormons (my childhood group) say this, offering a hand of fellowship to absolutely everyone. The thing is that you can *say* you accept people "as they are" as much as you want, but that doesn't mean you actually do. Let's continue, to see what "accepting people as they are" looks like for the Everlight:

Pike says "ok, I think I'm cursed cuz I can't actually perform miracles or talk to god" and then they're like "oh no, honey, it's not a curse. It's because There's Something Wrong With You. You're Broken, that's why god doesn't talk to you."

The rest is implied, but it is confirmed by the story: "But don't worry, because we have the answers. We know what's broken about you or we have the right way for you to figure it out. Follow us and we'll teach you everything you need to know."

So I get that this is D&D and Pike has the literal ability to channel a "divine" being's power, and sure, maybe that literal being has rules about how you have to behave because he's a very controlling MFer. For D&D that's fine, that's whatever. In the real world, the existence of this divine being is under some pretty intense scrutiny right now. And yet, the conversation bracketed above is something that literally happens in the real world.

You go to church and tell your pastor "I just don't know if I believe this stuff is true, I didn't have the powerful experiences you promised I would" and the answer is "well, there must be something wrong with you, then, you must not be pure enough."

You say "I was promised good things if I followed this god's commandments, but nothing has changed in my life. In fact, things are getting worse" and the answer is "well there must be something wrong with you then, you didn't have enough faith."

You say, "I tried to pray the gay away and it didn't work. I'm having a hard time feeling like God and this community love me the way I am" and the answer is "that's just the devil talking. Of course we love you. Keep trying to pray the gay away ("keep trying to become straight," for the normies) because that's the only way you'll be able to feel the love God already has for you."

Hopefully you've picked up the pattern already, but that's the thing about religion and its assumption of being fully, divinely correct all the time. They can make any claims they want ("you'll be happier here!"), even about their own nature and morality ("we accept everyone as they are!") but if something is wrong, something doesn't line up, the answer is *always* "well there must be something wrong with YOU then, because we know we're right."

You can use religion in this way to support any oppressive system or ideology. "We love you, but you're broken and that's why life is hard for you. No, don't question the system. Don't question the gender binary. Don't question capitalism. Don't question us. It's you. You're the broken one."

That's one problem with real-world religions. They often can't keep their promises (or they just push the promises into an afterlife so you have no evidence they're false). Vox Machina plays into and legitimizes the same story. Pike couldn't get the promised reward of her religion because she hadn't molded herself to fit her church's ideals well enough, but once she did, I mean, yeah, superpowers, wow. You could have superpowers too, if you just gave 10% of your income to this megachurch and crushed your naturally fun loving, questioning, joke-making self into a demure puritan loyalist. That's how it works!

"But this is D&D! We're going to assume the promises are all true!" Alright fine. Say you are in the camp of believing the Christian god is just as real to us as the Everlight is to Pike (or if you're in the camp of allowing that some people feel that way and you want to be respectful). Say you believe or allow that maybe religion's promises are true, and asking people to suppress their nature to meet a higher ideal is Good and Reasonable. The problem with Vox Machina's portrayal, the part where all of this becomes problem-atic, is that Pike's narrative stops with "she shoehorned herself into a religious mold and then she was happy" when there are millions and millions of people with lived experiences telling us that that's not how it works.

Because even if the promise of religion happens to pan out for you (you start acting more "straight," say, hiding your gayness, and as a result get more love acceptance being treated with basic dignity from the church members around you), that doesn't mean you wind up so happy to be straight-er. Rather, you end up with deeeeep deep shame about the normal-ass human parts of yourself that religion taught you were wrong. Maybe it's not being gay, maybe it's getting angry sometimes. Maybe it's relationships with friends or family that were "getting in the way" of your spiritual journey (like it was for Pike). You cut all that stuff out to be "worthy" and you end up depressed, anxious, shame-riddled (and heading back to religion to solve a new round of issues; a vicious cycle).

But VM doesn't show that for Pike. They stop at "religious dedication will solve all your problems" and it's fuckin weird to see Critical Role of all people telling that story, and ignoring the stories of people they claim to care about who are going "Um! No actually?" It's weird that they hold up a controlling, god-like authority figure who will let children die rather than heal them because his instrument "doesn't have a friend-religion balance that favors god-worshipping highly enough" as the Good and Great Everlight. It's weird to see Critical Role taking the stance that tolerance means telling the stories that abusers pick for themselves, instead of tolerance making sure that everyone is actually being treated with dignity. It's weird how many otherwise open-minded people are just completely uneducated about the harmful effects of religion when religion is tied so closely to homophobia, racism, misogyny and supremacy of all kinds in this country. It's weird!

#once again i get that this is supposed to be a fun campy retelling of a story a bunch of white kids came up with while playing dnd #its not supposed to be that deep #but i do think its good to be aware of where the narratives living in our subconscious come from and who they benefit #even as we enjoy them for what they are #vox machina #critical role #critter #exmo #post mormon #ex fundie #exmormon

[hylianane]

every time i think about that fucking Oye Primos disney channel show i shake with rage like i hope it never sees the light of day i hate gringos with latino grandparents so fucking bad

#those showrunners can eat my ass they LOVELOVELOVE TO PRETEND THEYRE LATINO ACTUALLY but cant be fucked to learn their family’s own language #theyre making a show to represent latinos ❤️ with the only lines in spanish in the intro being grammatically incoherent ❤️ #and one of the character’s name literally meaning vagina (AND penis! Such a meaningful word) ❤️ like that stuff is in la RAE bro #if your show for latinos would need to change a characters name for the latin spanish dub like theyre huey dewey and louie- #-because itd be actively offensive to multiple regions then maybe its not for latinos! #if no one in your crew caught those mistakes then its probably not made BY latinos either right #but you knew that dont you? No show runner gets on instagram to ‘clap back’ to the people correcting you by saying that #actually the language we speak isnt even ours and it was enforced on us by the colonizers so really its anti-latino to defend it #Theres no way you can speak such disgusting shit like that and not be self aware right? #The show isnt for latinos its for white people whove never set foot in latam and refuse to learn the language of their grandparents #who LOVE to slap that label on themselves to feel special and oppressed #que coman mierda todo ellos #aquellos que se burlarían cruelmente de un latino hablando con acento y solo hablar de como la inmigración y los mariguanos- #-se están robando sus empleos o yo no sé que mierdas #Me dan ganas de ranchar pensar que disney mando a hacer un programa solo para aquellos hijueputas #en vez de para los niños que viven en latinoamerica #Ooh but look guys heres a latina princess isnt she lovely? She doesn’t live in latam either tho ptff are you kidding thats stupid #princesses dont live in 3rd world countries yuck. She lives in fantasy land obviously #Mátense

[gaymom]

the fact u immediately throw people with low empathy under the bus is super funny also Lol. god forbid people with npd be wary of people who use narcicissm as an insult as if the word isnt intrinsically tied to the disorder now. we look up resources and are constantly fucking bombarded with articles telling us we're abusive monsters for having npd. have a little decency bro.

yeah you can't pretend that all discussions of narcissism are implicitly tied to the disorder. Narcissist isnt just an insult, although the traits associated with it are definitely negative under a non-individualistic value system. Narcissist is also a word that has been used by people far before NPD was researched and defined in the dsm. The word describes someone with low empathy and a specific affect to their ego that is self focused and disregarding of others. The FACT is that the vast majority of individuals with narcissistic traits DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE that they have narcissistic traits that negatively impact those close to them NOR DO THEY PURSUE MEDICAL SUPPORT OR DIAGNOSIS FOR IT. Which is exactly why I haven't talked about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Often those who find nothing wrong with taking advantage of others end up finding communities/workplaces where their disregard for others is valued, and that's pretty easy in a capitalist society where many people look up to those with narcissistic traits for the power they have over other people. There are plenty of abuse survivors who have experienced narcissists like Amber Heard not take accountability and take their smear campaigns to the public stage and still successfully take advantage of the biases of large populations of people who form impressions off of lies.

So maybe take a look at your reactivity to people talking about this topic and why you felt the need to send me this, because it's disregarding the subject of my posts and is disconnected from the material reality of narcissistic traits and their effect on social systems. But I'm guessing this is a personal feeling of insecurity on your part that you identify with the narcissists I'm talking about because instead of recognizing I'm talking about abusive narcissists who don't take accountability and don't seek help and take lies and cruelty too far, YOU IDENTIFY with the narcs Im referencing and send me this pity party about how hard it is for you to hear how angry people talk after being hurt by people who let your condition go unchecked. Low empathy is not a sub-human trait, I dont think people without empathy are monsters. But I KNOW some of those people dismiss the reality of their low empathy and the damage they do BECAUSE of their narcissism. So maybe, be less wary of people talking about the damage of narcissism and be more wary of how your biases can lead you to being out of touch.

#Like this is not personal #it's just the reality of human differences #if we just pretend that our culture is fine and we need to be treating narcissists like victims of their own experiences #we ignore that socially people have leeway to be narcissistic and successfuly meet their needs at the expense of others if they #are dishonest in specific ways. like there's still plenty of people who are supposedly anti abuse who support clear abuser amber heard #SIMPLY because she's a woman and a successful liar and manipulator #please recognize your biases that lead to you dismissing people's dishonesty and targeted aggression #and this is way more important in the specific context of person who has a pattern of instigating contentious situations and escalating them #the fact that it's actually a popular 'woke' take to just not question slandering a person while providing no concrete evidence #simply because its easier for you to think that women in Hollywood can't have the same entitled abusive attitudes as the men #and maybe YOU cant relate to someone lying about something as horrendous as abuse and rape but white women have been doing it for centuries #get a grip #people can be shitty and hold destructive views regardless of identity and that's the beauty of intersectionality baby #and if your narcissisticly disordered personality is better than that--lovely #but it's also possible to be a fake therapy-pilled self-aware narcissist who subconsciously still feels a need to be better than everyone #and who still faces the deep insecurity characterizing narcisissism while intellectualizing their existence to make up for not actually #healing the core problem which is your internal sense of stability

[akayv]

Indigenous ppl can speak for their own nations/region but please don't speak for all

#trying to like. word this as well as i can. #because I understand the sentiment #but at the same time I saw that the term land back was used and like. #I could be wrong #but I've only ever known that as an indigenous American slogan so it feels like the post was a bit directed at that #but if you're not indigenous American - I don't really care for you to tell me how to handle land back #and I definitely don't want you telling me how to view settlers #when my family has been reduced ato grandchildren due to long-term effects of colonization #I am the second oldest in my family at 29 #there's also the fact that we are very aware that not everybody chose to be here or that they were escaping something lol #That's why many of us have criticisms about white people and their immigration ideas #so my issue is more with (what is my understanding) of somebody that is not us telling us how to process our own movement #and I want to be clear – that I'm not directing this at anybody specific because several people reblogged that post #and nor am I trying to be hostile

[thehealingsystem]

no anon hate but i'll send anon love. did you know you're wonderful

- 🪓🖤

GAHHHHHHH NOT ANON LOVE ANYTHING BUT ANON LOVE !!!!!!!!!

#asks #moots #there was a pep rally at school today i did not go to! #yknow red and white are our colors and i was not aware we were supposed to wear them today #but i wore red anyway........ #teacher said to me “getting in the spirit kira!” and i looked around and Realized #now i look like i care about school pride #bummer man

[galaxseacreature]

Last week I helped with a training for one afternoon and we were in a lovely little park by a lovely little stream and many of the salmonberries were ripe! And I couldn't figure out how that snuck up on me so completely. Someone pointed out that it's June and I just laughed it off as how time flies by. Only many hours later I realized-it’s because of my new job. I started at the beginning of May. A month of not being significantly outside near daily after two years of it. That's all it took. Such a short time to come so untethered

#I really am happy about my job! but I have been thinking melancholy thoughts about this #I've really come to value the low key awareness of natural rhythms #Not for a purpose just in general like oh the osoberry leafs out first in the spring and watching the relative order of things #I don't want to be like one of those white girls but when I volunteered on Kuaihelani we had a huli 'ia practice #And regularly communicating our observations of seasonal changes across the landscape legitimately improved my ambient awareness #And...idk I felt like that skill made me more...in context as a creature of the world #So yeah 2 years outside almost every day and I didn't have a log or anything but the general awareness has been a part of me #So to be blindsided so badly #To miss all the middle stages of salmonberry ripening. Not to have a first day of seeing a ripe berry in the field #It's grief. A small petty tremendous grief #Like I'm ok and it's a valuable reminder I need to figure out how to get myself outside closer to every day again but on my own time #But it's real #And so is being happy about my new job genuinely! I just needed to express this too and I don't have great spaces to do that #So here we are! Thanks for listening if you're still here haha

[oatbugs]

imagine being a philosophy student and still viewing yourself on a pedestal / inside an ivory tower . like imagine Studying In Depth At Degree Level a discipline that teaches you over and over again that you know very little, imagine reading all these papers by all these very clever ppl, and still at a masters/undergrad level thinking u genuinely somehow know so much more than others and no one gets u bc no one is smart enough to . imagine devoting so many yrs of ur life to a discipline and still missing one of its main points so hard . amazing luv .

#im so salty rn . some ppl are out here thinking just bc they go to this uni and/or just bc they study phil w the goal of going into #academia they are somehow just Better Than Others like yes philosophy is misunderstood and we should change that #but u are just a white boy with a superiority complex and rich parents #like how are u . a masters student . going to look at me in the eye and act like u are this grand philosopher already and u know so much #abt everything and then tell me to my FACE undergrads think they know everything . like do u hear ur own irony !! we know nothing but u #also know nothing ! have u talked to a phd student like ever ! theyre better at researching and theyre much more well read than either #of us but they also can admit they know very little ! our professors are constantly Constantly trying to learn more bc even they are aware #of the fact that despite knowing sm more than any of us students and despite having published books and papers and reviews and whatever #they still havent come Close to mastering this ancient discipline #like bro Shut the FUCK UP. ugh #anyway glad to say these kinds of students are rarely encountered bc by nature of the subject most ppl end up like . acknowledging the #breadth of the subject etc #but still it irks me

[fairyzar]

the older i get the more confused i become in regards to my identity.

#z escribe #i have been aware that i was adopted from a young age. heck i knew before my mom told me because i watched the health channel #and i rmbr they showed a skin color chart and i pieced together...two white parents don't equal a brown kid #and i thought that the colorblind mindset was a proper one to be brought up with. obviously not as i experienced racism in elementary. #and was extremely confused why 'other' white kids didn't see me as white either...well no shit you're not white baby aza #and i went through a radical phase during middle school. hating all white people. but then my mom's white fragility deterred me from that #as any time i would voice my anger she would... quite literally in tears... try to reason with me and be like ''but i'm white people... #do you hate me?'' to which i would always have to soothe her. and honestly i have become comfortable in identifying with mixed. #it is a comfortable identity because i have grown up without any specific culture (outside of american. which. how does one even begin to #define the complexities of such an identity... the way that american as a nationality transcends as it becomes a civil religion.) #anyways. i have been thinking about a guy at a party and our conversations. and how we got to our identities and i instantly... #out of habit really. told him ''well i'm half mexican or indigenous too... but i mean it's not like i'm really latin.'' and he was like. #''no azaria. you are. don't diminish yourself and your ancestors just because you weren't able to grow up around that culture'' #his comment made me think about my identity once again after a long time of not wondering what it means to be Me. #and i recently submitted a paper for an internship. and god. i was reading it to my white mom. and after i read the concluding paragraph #she asked me to read it again. to which i did. and then after a pause she sighed and said i was being ''too angry'' #and when i asked her to elaborate she simply said ''well it makes it sound as if white people are evil'' #mind you. my application paper is about working at a museum for african american/black art preservation. like. art history is so deeply #saturated with colonialism and racism??? and she just chose to ignore that point of my paper and focus on me critiquing her fellow white #people. and to categorize me as the 'angry black person' are you Fucking kidding me. but then even with that she was like. #''i just don't get why you're so angry. you're not even black. i mean. you don't look black at all. you look mexican'' #she constantly wants my identity to be simple. to be watered down. to be digestible. #i am the product of a biracial mother and fully latin/indigenous father. that is the truth of my identity. i will NEVER be perceived as #white. #but after that i just felt so incredibly shitty and called my sister and she told me what our mom said to her that day too. and i said #something along the lines of ''sometimes i feel as if mom thinks we owe her for adopting us.'' and my sister agreed. #it broke me. it really did. to know that i am not being overdramatic in my thoughts. to know that i am not simply being ungrateful. #my sister says that she copes with it by reasoning that our parents are born in the 40s and times were a lot different then. but it is hard #for me to constantly excuse their racism and ignorance towards my identity. both regarding my queerness and ethnicity. #i am so tired. so so tired.

[thefaestolemyname]

Each time a white blood cell, noble guardians of my veins, dies in gruesome battle they give a last cry and a final prayer. I, their god, hear them and whisper as I hold their fading souls: "more than enough, you are loved, and your cherished work is part of a story greater than you'll ever know"

#Sputton #I saw a video of a white blood cell today #And they look exactly like unicellular organisms! #Yes I know the reasons but in a rhetorical way how could that not be considered an individual animal? #Which makes you think of all the cells that ARE separate organisms living in/on your body #More and more I am convinced there is no 'Self' #The distinction between living and nonliving is irrelevant if it exists at all #The only sense in which we are not our environments is just enough to flower aware experience #And deep responsibility #🐸 #Also! #I am not being sacrilegious! #the 'god' thing was a metaphor #And both the Bible and the institutional church use fundamentally similar metaphors in a well established manner #So I do not think I have sinned here #It is a little bit sputton but #Jesus understands I think

[serica-e]

Okay I want to address this, I made a post a while ago expressing positivity towards Sicilian identity since I was reading more about it and how it existed for a long time etc, and since I lived here all my life I wanted to bring some positivity as I see some ppl either praise it as a vacation resort or shitting on how poor we are.

But, when I say Sicilian identity I do not mean white Sicilian identity. Altough I am white, dismissing non white Sicilian people and their relationship to the island is wrong and redundant.

So do not take that post as me supporting only white Sicilian identity because every single experience and connection to the island is important and should be uplifted, not only one of those who are considered the 'standard' (which they are not and never will be, it's a diverse place with very diverse experiences).

#I love you non white Sicilian ppll #Sicily #Lyuspeaks #I love my island but I also I am aware of the issues and bigotry that it is still prevalent and I will never be proud of that #I love that part of my identity because it's part of me and I lived here for years and having to leave was hard #But we have issues we have a lot of issues #Our culture does support bigotry and this is not something I support and I will always try to think critically of

[rotturn]

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#negative cw #i am feeling. very not good #every day we go to restaurants where there's nothing on the menu i can eat bc all ive been able to manage lately is soup #or sometimes mash potato and gravy but like. its gotta be a Good day and i have not had good days in a While #so i just sit and have nothing while they eat then down an entire block of white chocolate as soon as we get home bc its my comfort food #and like. i dont mind not eating at a restaurant or whatever im cool to chill and chat while someone eats it doesnt bother me #its just when theyre doing it every day and getting annoyed when I say i dont want anything as if they don't already know #mixed w the fact that my sister has been constantly unbearable its just been Rough #esp since we share a room #and we've been having issues w our accommodation in new york but i think hopefully it'll be sorted #im just exhausted and stressed all the time and there's no end in sight #and this trip has just made me aware of how much i do not feel loved by the people who should make me feel loved #like i love my mom and she does her best and she does make me feel better but sometimes shes a part of the problem #and i have support at home my roommates are so good for me but. theyre not here #and i feel shit every time i tell my roommate how i feel bc this is a once in a lifetime trip that she may never have a chance to take #and it makes me feel so guilty and selfish to not enjoy this but its so hard to enjoy #that one week where we were on the boat and i could have multiple soups a day was the only time i was happy #and its because i wasnt constantly starving and we didnt have stress about luggage or where we're staying #but ever since its just been constant stress and anxiety and hunger #and like. theres nothing i can really do ab any of it bc seeking out something i need means they dont get to do something they want #and i cant take what my sister wants away from her bc she'll throw a fit #mum says the usa will be ab me more but i know it wont be. i know exactly how it'll work #i will not have a chance to rest and be happy until im home and even then i have to find a job as soon as im back #bc i have bills and rent and i only budgetted enough for a month after i get back and that's with barely any groceries #and i get the feeling my roommates mad at me or upset ab something but i don't know how to approach it bc im on the other side of the world #and idk i feel like its me i feel like i did something wront #im just tired and sad and hungry all the time #but that's just. kinda my life innit #i just wish. people weren't upset with me all the time. i try so hard not to upset people but nothing i do ever seems good enough #i just want to be good enough. but i know im not.

[symptoms-syndrome]

For the record, I do like a lot of the media I mentioned in my last post. It's just that I'm also constantly made aware of how much they don't like me back. "Cancelling" media for being problematic is not a privilege given to marginalized people to be honest, because to never watch anything that has any seed of racism would be to never watch anything at all.

#i was talking abt this w some friends earlier actually #abt how POC in particular are made extremely aware of our oppression very early and very consistently through our lives #and so we have to be desensitized to it to some degree #the convo was actually mostly about b/o b/urnham's Inside sbd the video abt white liberal existential dread