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mx-o · 4 years

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「NEO CITY」

》 nct ot21 mafia! au

》 warnings ; a lot of suspense.

》a/n: i’m sorry i took so long but i’m back with this little bit for now and will update later in the week with part 2. if you ever get confused or have questions, my asks are always open!

word count: 1.8k

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four, part one

[beijing, china; jan 16, 10:32]

“hello?” ten answered the phone quietly.

“you’ve arrived, i’m assuming?” taeyong asked on the other line. ten hummed in agreement at him.

“there’s something i need for you to do, but they’re with you, aren’t they? johnny and sicheng?” he questioned again. ten could feel johnny and sicheng closing in on him now. he’d been on the phone too long and they’ve realized something was going on. he had to choose his words wisely. he hummed again, followed by a soft ‘yes’.

“this one is for you and you alone. you’re only allowed to answer with yes or no from now on, do you understand?” he spoke sternly over the line—deeply and slowly.

he hummed yet again, but with ‘mhm’ this time. to be honest, ten was a little scared to speak with the other two around and with taeyong’s tone, he only wanted to ask questions.

“words, ten. use your words.”

“yes, sir.” the other two’s ears perked up at that. they figured out who he was speaking to for the least.

“i’ve sent kun and taeil in my place. i have some business to attend to here. i’ve already spoken to them about this. i’m sure you already know i’m sending yuta along from japan also, yes?” ten hummed quietly, acknowledging the fact. “he was supposed to bring doyoung with him as our financial advisor since i need jaehyun here in seoul. the problem is, however, that yuta told doyoung that he wasn’t needed in beijing since you, him and yukhei would be there and would be able to handle it on your own. and while i agree with that, he’s disobeying my orders.”

ten sighed, taking in the information. the two boys who had leaned in on him had not moved a muscle since. he tried his best to ignore their presence and listen to what taeyong was saying.

“i spoke to mark and he confirmed that two people boarded the flight in tokyo. you understand what you need to do, yes?” taeyong finished. ten gathered that he liked asking questions. nonetheless, he nodded.

realizing the man couldn’t see him, he answered, “i’ll look into it.”

[jan 17, 08:31]

“on your toes, boys,” ten commanded his ‘thai trio’ as he calls them. he put on his brightest smile. standing before them. he turned sharply on his heels, now facing the large double doors of the dining room of one of nc tech’s newly constructed hotels in the beijing area—where one can live the dream. ten didn’t fully understand why they bought a chain of hotels but made a mental note to ask kun when he sees him next, which in any case, is in less than thirty seconds.

he pushed open the doors to the dining area to be met with a beautiful face. she was almost the same height as him, her brunette locks falling effortlessly on her shoulders. she held what he assumed was a menu in her arms, against her chest. smiling at him, she moved aside, making way for the four men, and following them as they walked to the centre of the dining room.

the scent of fresh linens whirred through the room as they walked past all the empty tables to the one at the very middle of the hall. the white tablecloths spread across every table with the sun’s electrifying brightness from the skylight above the entire room, made the space look much more open than it really was. they arrived at the table that sat the two men, dressed in jet black suits and slicked back hair.

the hostess stood at the table and motioned for them to sit down, saying that she would be back shortly for their orders. the table was round, large enough to sit eight people but had been adjusted to seat the six men, and so they were spaced a little further than usual. ten sat first of the four, taking his seat next to kun, with taeil on the right of them both. sicheng sat beside ten, johnny on the right side of taeil, sandwiching haechan between them at the only other seat.

“you’re a minute late,” was the first thing kun could say to great them all. typical, ten thought.

“i’m sorry, hyung. i was a little delayed by these three here. you see, they all somehow called ‘dibs’ on the front seat. but it was clearly mine,” he joked with his elder. he laughed delightfully. it was airy and sweet, much like kun himself.

qian kun was one of the initial investors in neo culture technologies. he’d been friends with taeyong for a long time before, as he visited south korea often with his family when he was young. no one is completely sure, but most of the company believe that he’s the reason neo culture even exists as it is today. he was persistent and always was looking out for his brother, and well—his investment. like a lot of the other ‘founding members’, he worked hard to reach where he is now. kun was the director of all drug and narcotics operations for all of the region. technically speaking, he held the same amount of power as taeyong did, just in his division.

“i remember back when we were still young and stole taeyong’s car that one time, we all fought over who could get the front seat. i guess things don’t change sometimes.” taeil chimed in, holding his arm out on the table, toying with his wine glass and letting out a light chuckle. the light from the skylight above them made taeil’s faded orangey-brown locks look a little more golden than usual. the sunlight was the reason the moon shone anyway, wasn’t it?

moon taeil was the stone-cold softie at nc tech. he was one of the two rare people who taeyong held more respect for. both taeil and johnny were the only two people older than taeyong and it showed in the way they were treated. both him and johnny rose ranks easily and was also always the ones their CEO would come to for advice. taeil, however, was kept nearby. he had an insane mind for war tactics and had a knack for things that involved a fight. it’s not quite the personality that suits his features. he was gifted, to say the least—nimble fingers that wrapped easily around the handles of guns, small lips that hid the glints of mischief that shone through the darkness, perfectly round and sharp eyes that ever missed a target. moon taeil was as celestial as the name suggests, and taeyong noticed that the moment he laid eyes on the elder.

it was easy to fall.

“hyung? you stole a car? i never thought you would ever do that!” the youngest jumped at the opportunity to learn about his seniors and all the bad things they’ve done.

“oh no, channie-ah. you see, that was taeil hyung. we all knew if any of us had done that taeyong would’ve blown a fuse. he just likes to include us in his childish endeavours since he misses his youth so much,” ten defended himself. taeil scoffed at the mention of him missing his youth. it was true, but he’d long forgotten about that.

“ya! don’t lie! you were just as much a part as any of us,” kun piped in again, defending taeil. they all laughed at the comment. truth is, everyone except donghyuck knows the story. it was one of those memories that had made them as close as they are now and something they bond over often.

“but we all pinned the blame on taeil anyway,” he finished, quickly taking a sip of his water, and looking away from the death glare taeil shot his way immediately after. all defence down the drain, they all chimed in with their laughter again.

it was a blissful moment in retrospect.

their conversation had gone along smoothly, laughing about old memories as they waited for their orders. but even amidst the chatter and banter, there was still that little bit of suspicion in sicheng’s mind about all of this.

honestly speaking, did ten, kun and taeil need to be here? this was a regular transaction that was supposed to occur just like normal. did taeyong suddenly doubt sicheng’s ability to do his job on his own? and why the hell was yuta flying in too? none of this made any sense but he couldn’t exactly right out ask them about it.

“why are you guys here?” sicheng asked, picking at his steak with his fork, not looking at them. the table fell silent. there goes not ‘right out’ asking about it.

“i’ve been wondering that too, since i don’t usually follow my shipments. that’s a winwin thing, not me,” johnny added.

ten lowered his fork from his hand, placing it down with a clank. kun and taeil looked up at them both—unreadable, while poor donghyuck just reached for his water glass, pretending to drink from it to avoid the situation.

“i hadn’t even thought about that part. so, tell me, does taeyong not trust us anymore? or do you not trust us?” sicheng continued. he looked up at ten, meeting his eyes and leaning into his seat, waiting for his answer.

“this has nothing to do with you—” ten started, cutting himself off to glance at kun for an answer. he sighed in defeat, not knowing how to explain this. his weakness for sicheng gets to him easier than he thought.

“what ten is trying to say is that it’s none of your concern why we’re here. we’re following orders just as you are, that’s all,” taeil spoke calmly.

sicheng tensed. none of this sat right with him. “am i not allowed to know why you’re on my ass about this shipment? obviously there’s something else that i need to know about it if you’re here, am i wrong?”

“it’s not—”

“ten, don’t,” kun stopped him again.

“what’s going on here, seriously? do you not trust me? us?” sicheng asked again, calmer this time. johnny held off on the questions, knowing how ten would react just by gauging the situation.

ten turned fully to kun now, eyebrows furrowed, and shoulders raised. what was he plotting?

“hyung, we should at least—”

“no, ten. you’ll be disobeying orders too,” taeil stated plainly.

“too?” johnny and his damn good observation skills.

“so, we’ve done something wrong?” sicheng’s persistence had become a bore to them now.

“winwin, remember who you’re speaking to,” taeil warned.

he murmured a soft ‘sorry, hyung’ while bowing his head. he knew very well that he was pushing his limits, but he needed to know. he wracked his brain for answers for the past day and a half and he just couldn’t stop now.

“hyung please, just tell me. does taeyong not trust us anymore?”

“it’s not you he doesn’t trust,” kun started, exasperated.

“it’s not who, who doesn’t trust?” a new voice spoke, emerging from behind donghyuck—who’d been ‘drinking’ water this whole time.

“nakamoto.”

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fics-of-my-mind · 4 years

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Trust - Chapter III.

Where are you now?

home

Isn't it like 4 AM there?

yeah...

Are you OK?

just stressed a bit I guess

You said you needed to vent?

I did

can I call you?

Warnings: mature content, BDSM content Pairing: Nick Jonas / Other Female Character This fanfiction can also be found on Wattpad by fnntth

I don’t own Nick Jonas or any other recognizable characters. This fanfiction is completely fictional, its only purpose is entertainment.

Chapter III. - It’s four AM and I think I might lose it

Nick’s texts are bold

Milla’s texts are italic

The whole 'let's be venting buddies' idea seemed nice, up until the point when ten minutes later I realized, he didn't give me his number. I felt disappointed and a little bit mad at myself. Now I had no real proof that my mind wasn't playing wicked games with me and I, in fact spent the night running around in Barcelona with Nick Jonas himself.

I didn't tell the girls where I've been when Vanda opened the door with her tired eyes at 6:23 in the morning, not wanting to seem crazy. They've both known about my fangirling habits, but there was no point of telling them something that even I wasn't sure really happened. I just fell into my bed and slept until noon.

After returning home, I couldn't find my place. I went back to work, met up with friends, went shopping and even went for lunch with my family, but something was missing. It felt stupid – missing something that I've only had for like seven hours tops.

I tried doing something useful, that could actually have a good effect on my non-existent love life, so I downloaded Tinder. Then, after a day I deleted it. Honestly, I was more than fed up with our generation's dating culture. I couldn't embarrass myself to meet up with complete strangers and have sex – I kind of envied the people who could do it. I guess, it wasn't coded into me.

I was almost 25 years old, and I've never had a proper boyfriend. I blamed the series I watched growing up for my high expectations in men. But really, was it too much to ask to be taken out for a drink or dinner before having a one night stand? I would've had no problem with that, or at least I don't think so. But when a guy messages you on Tinder and his second sentence to you is 'wanna have sex', it kind of just kills the mood for me.

I've watched some of the videos I made during the concert, and every time I could feel my stomach clench. Even if we take my night with Nick out of the equation, it was still one of the best nights of my live, and definitely one of my best concerts. It was my teenage dream come true to watch them perform.

It took me two weeks to get back to normal. By then, my mind was mostly focused on my friends, my job, my colleagues, whom I adored and not on the lack of reaching out from Nick. I kind of let it go – I only thought about him on sleepless nights. I had much more on my mind, with the coronavirus setting its foot in Hungary, and Amalia being in quarantine for it.

In early March, they closed our office and we were forced to work from home, which I handled pretty badly. I loved being home and I loved being alone, appreciating the time with myself. But normally, I had people around me during the day, I was going somewhere, not just sitting from the couch to the dining table, then back to the couch.

At least I had my dog, Milo with me to help me get through the quarantine period. My daily routine consisted of walking him three times and going to the grocery store every few days. That's all, otherwise I was completely alone. I hated it, and I was feeling so bad, that I've had at least one mental breakdown a day.

That's when it happened. In the middle of a Wednesday, just as I was scrolling through my emails on the company laptop, my phone went off.

so, I kind of need to vent...

It was all the message said, yet I knew who it was from. My stomach clenched instantly, and I could feel my heart beating against my chest really hard. Here it was, my proof that I wasn't just hallucinating that night. I took my phone into my hands and typed my reply.

Well, hello to you too, Mr

hi. :)

Hi :) :)

sorry I've been MIA

just needed to get back to the states

do a few interviews

I smiled softly. I had no idea why he felt the need to apologize. He was busy, he was important, he was famous. I knew well that he had responsibilities. He was also married, so he also had a wife to take care of.

It's OK.

Where are you now?

home

Isn't it like 4 AM there?

yeah...

Are you OK?

just stressed a bit I guess

You said you needed to vent?

I did

can I call you?

I quickly checked my Outlook calendar. Nothing else was in it for the rest of the day, so as long as my coworkers didn't want to chit chat on a Teams call, I was okay to talk to Nick. More than okay, in fact, I wanted to hear his voice.

Yes.

It didn't take more than a few seconds for my phone to ring, startling me, even though I've expected the call. My hand was shaking as I reached to my iPhone, and even though it was a reaction of a twelve-year-old fangirl, I couldn't calm myself.

'Hey.'

'Hey you,' I heard his deep voice, and suddenly all my nerves were gone. He once again had the same effect on me, as back in Barcelona, instantly calming me. I couldn't quite place this.

'So, what's up?' I asked, clearing my troath.

'Are you at work?' he asked, probably checking to see if anyone could hear me.

'Yes and no,' I said. 'Since Monday, we are forced to work from home. Sooo... I'm home.'

'Do you live alone?' It was kind of ridiculous. We've barely known each other (except for the fact that I did knew a lot about him), and the fact that he had no idea about my living situation just confirmed this. We still weren't any more than strangers, yet he was calling me from the other side of the world.

'I do. Well, I live with my dog,' I shrugged, even though he couldn't see it. 'Where are you? And what are you doing up at 4 in the morning?'

'I'm home. In the music studio.' So the walls were soundproof. Smart, if you don't want anyone to hear you talking on the phone. For example, your wife. 'Couldn't sleep.'

'Why?' I asked.

'There's just a lot on my mind, I guess,' he answered, his voice sounding really tired. I was concerned for him.

'Things like...?' I tried asking him again. There was a reason he's called me. There were things he needed to talk about and I quite enjoyed hearing him talk. His voice calmed me, and I felt much closer to him than just some fan.

'We probably have to cancel our Vegas residency due to COVID.'

'That's understandable. You shouldn't feel bad about it. You can't really control it.'

'I know,' he said, staying quiet for a few seconds. I waited for him to talk again. 'Just don't like to disappoint anyone, I guess.'

'You aren't doing this, Nick,' I said softly. 'The virus is. Fans will understand. You will make it up to them."

'Yeah, I guess you're right.'

'What else is on your mind?' There was a long pause before he spoke again.

'Have you heard Demi's new song?'

'I have,' I nodded to myself. It was quite fresh, just a few days old. 'You and her used to be friends, right?'

'She was my best friend,' he corrected. I searched my memories, I did know that they went on tour together and did Carpool Karaoke and other things together. I had no idea when that ended and why. I knew about Demi's OD, but nothing else.

The fangirl in me, who wanted to know everything desperately wanted to ask him about what happened. The person in me that was supposed to be his 'vent buddy', knew that this probably wasn't the right time to ask the questions. Luckily, this side was saner.

'But she isn't anymore,' I declared the obvious. 'And you are hurt by her video clip, where she just walks by you, right?' I asked, trying to decipher how he was feeling at the moment.

'It's not like I don't deserve it,' he said quietly. I didn't really know what to say.

'It is okay for something to hurt, even if you deserve it, you know.'

'Thank you,' he said even quieter. 'I think I needed to hear that.'

'Is there anything else that's bothering you?'

I could almost see him bite his bottom lip before answering.

'No, nothing really.' I knew he lied, but didn't press it. 'I just can't really talk with anyone else about Demi. Well, probably except Joe, but he's home with Sophie, so I didn't want to nag him.'

'Okay,' I nodded. This was weird, talking so naturally about things with him. Talking about his life, about people in his life... It was just crazy.

'How are you doing?' he asked, sounding genuinely interested in the answer.

'Fine, I guess.' I was doing just fine – minus the mental breakdowns, and the fear of this whole situation.

'Now tell me the truth,' he commanded, and my breath caught up in my throat. I wasn't surprised that he noticed my lie, I noticed his too. I was shocked that he did in fact call me out on it, in a very commanding tone. Like he expected me to tell him how I was really feeling.

'Why do you think I'm lying?' I asked, raising my eyebrows.

'You are, aren't you?' he asked. 'This venting thing can only work if we both trust each other with our problems. This has to be a two-sided thing.'

I did get where he was coming from. He had a lot to lose with trusting in me, but he did it anyway. Me telling him about my own problems meant that I also trusted him, that I also put my secrets and my fears into his hands. He wanted to be assured that he wasn't making a fatal mistake by opening up to me. Not that I had any intention of selling him out, but I understood that we were practically strangers to each other.

'I'm worried,' I said finally.

'About what?'

'This virus. About my family falling ill. About losing my job.'

'Why would you lose your job?' he asked, and it wasn't just a rhetorical question, he really did want to know about my concerns.

'I was just hired, you know. Just in the beginning of last month. Before that, I was an intern for a year, and I've worked my ass off to get a permanent position. But if thanks to the virus, the financial crisis hits and they start to fire people... I'm just worried that last one in means first one out,' I explained.

'Did your boss give you a reason to worry?' he asked.

'Not really. My boss is amazing. Really, she's more of a friend than a boss.'

'So if you two have a great relationship, and she managed to make you permanent part of her team, don't you think that she'll do everything in order to keep you?'

I stayed quiet for a minute.

'I don't like it when you are being reasonable,' I said jokingly.

'Sorry,' he chuckled. 'But really, why worry before you actually have the problem?'

'I guess, I just worry a lot about non-existent things,' I shrugged. 'It's always better to be prepared for everything.'

'Hmm, is it?' he asked, clearly amused about the things in my head. 'What else is bugging you?'

'I'm lonely,' I said quietly. I hated to admit this, because I was the person that always told everyone that I was doing more than okay on my own, and I didn't need a man to make me feel whole. Now, as I was alone in the apartment all the time, I started to realize that having some company would've been nice.

'What about your friends? Where are they?' he asked.

'Most of them went home to their families when the state of emergency hit.'

'Why don't you go home to your family then?'

'I'm kind of afraid to infect them. I mean, I'm the one living in the big city. If anyone caught the virus without noticing, it would be me. And I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that I may give it to them,' I explained.

Nick stayed quiet for a while. My inhibitions of talking to him about my life were long gone. It kind of felt nice to say the words out loud, to share with someone that I was in fact, feeling lonely. Even if that someone was on the other side of the world.

'You don't have a significant other?' he asked eventually, as if it wasn't clear already.

'No, I don't have a boyfriend.'

'Why?' Came the next question. I bit my lip and contemplated telling him the great answer on my mind, that I was thinking for years now.

'I'm just not the type of girl that guys fall in love with.'

'You do know that's bullshit, right?' he replied, sounding irritated.

'No, Nick, really. I never had a real boyfriend, only guys that I've hooked up with, or that led me on to believe that here was something more going on, when there wasn't,' I said, and even though I didn't feel perfectly comfortable talking about my love life, or the lack of it, somehow I couldn't stop myself from speaking. 'And I got tired of that a while ago. It's still better to be alone than not being appreciated and having to make compromises.'

'What do you want from a guy? When is he worth the compromises?' he asked, and I could hear the curiosity in his voice.

'Quite honestly, if he makes an effort, he's probably worth it.'

'An effort like a big romantic gesture?'

'No,' I chuckled. 'I don't really like cheesy things. If he brings me flowers or takes me out for dinner, it's more than enough. But it's not like any of those things happened.'

'C'mon, you must've gotten flowers from guys. They must've taken you out to eat.'

'I did get flowers from guys. Just not flowers that were of any romantic origin. I got flowers for my birthday or international women's day, but that's about it. And as for dates... Nobody really ever took me out for dinner or lunch or whatever.'

'How?' he asked, sounding doubtful.

'Well, I must repulse all the men,' I laughed bitterly. Sometimes I did believe in that.

'Don't be stupid,' he said quietly.

'I'm not. I mean... Here I am, almost at 25, never been in love, never even been on a proper date. And honestly, I have no idea why it never happened, but nobody has ever asked me out,' I shrugged to myself. 'There must be something seriously wrong with me.'

Even though I tried to play it cool, these concerns were real for me. I thought about it a lot, how it has never happened. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough. Maybe it was written on my forehead that nobody should ever date me.

'There is nothing wrong with you, trust me,' Nick said, and there was something in his voice.

'I don't want you to feel sorry for me.'

'I don't, Milla, I just can't quite comprehend how you've never had a boyfriend,' he explained. 'You're beautiful, smart, hard-working. You care about people. You're witty and funny, and I've only talked to you twice in my life and I already know this.'

'C'mon, Nick,' I could feel myself blush. 'You're just saying those things to make me feel better.'

'I'm really not. I just don't like that you think so low about yourself, like you think something is wrong with you.'

'But what if there is?' I asked, opening up about one of my biggest concerns. 'What if I expect more than I deserve?'

'Trust me, wanting to get flowers and being taken out on a date, aren't that huge, earth-shattering things.'

'Well, I'm still alone, aren't I? Maybe I scare people.'

'Or maybe,' he started about a deep sigh. 'People around you don't deserve you and they know it.'

I stayed quiet for a bit, biting my lip again. After some time I sighed, not finding the energy to fight with him about this anymore.

'Damn you for always knowing what to say.'

#nick jonas #nick jonas imagine #nick jonas fanfiction #nick jonas fic #nick x reader #jonas brothers #jonas brothers fanfiction #jonas brothers imagine #nick jonas x reader #fanfiction

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mikeholdher · 4 years

Text

Here’s the problem...

Instead of debating, arguing, or whatever you call it for simple understanding. People always want to be a clear winner. So from that point forward you undermine the whole conversation.

You aren’t listening for understanding anymore. You’re listening so you can respond. And when that happens you cloud your own judgement and ability to think rationally. Something someone said that makes perfect logical sense you write off completely cause it doesn’t fit your narrative or if you agree with them you feel like you are losing.

I really wish less people had this mindset cause it ruins not only so many potential friendships but also the opportunity to mentally grow. You can learn so much from other people if you just listen with an open mind.

Scenario from earlier:

“Well I’m not going to date a tumblr person ever so...”

“Out of curiosity why is it a bad thing that I have a Tumblr??? Like what is a Tumblr person? So if I didn’t have a Tumblr you wouldn’t care?”

“Nvm. Too much to explain u won’t get it.”

“Thanks for insulting my intelligence there. So instead of explaining it and helping me to better understand something. He won’t get it... I'm not going to push the subject anymore. It's obvious I'm not worth your time or the explanation. I honestly pray your situation gets better and you find whatever it is you're looking for.”

“See what I mean ? U spin it to make yourself the victim. I dont date people I meet on tumblr. That's just my rule. There happy ?”

“See here's the problem. You're speaking from a place where there needs to be a clear winner and clear loser in this conversation...meanwhile I'm just trying to better understand a situation. I don't care if I lose. I can admit I'm wrong. I can agree with someone even if the outcome isn't ideal for me. I'm not sure you can do the same. In all seriousness I'm not being sarcastic here or trolling.You're right you don't owe me an explanation. I asked and instead of saying no. You told me I wouldn't get it.Those are two completely different answers. One simply says no. The other says I won't tell you cause you won't understand.There is no victim card there. It's a simple fact...you think I lack the capacity to understand = insulting my intelligence. How is that playing the victim?”

“It's like like a teacher going through a whole lesson...getting to the end and a student raises his hand and ask them to elaborate on something. And the teacher tells them they wouldn't understand...that's exactly what it is.

“ Ok.”

“We went through this whole talk earlier and this whole time you still think its because i want to make you feel inferior or force you to date me...that's the sad part about it.”

“I'm already off that. I'm thinking in terms of how I can better understand you. or any female for that matter so that it doesn't happen in the future.”

“ Like am I making any sense at all? “

And to be honest with you after reading I come off as condescending I think. And it’s not intentional at all. It’s a literal condition that I have from going through chemo and radiation that messes with my short term memory. So I struggle to get my point across.and have to re explain stuff I tell everyone this ahead of time and it’s like they just ignore it. It’s why I tell everyone I hate texting...verbal communication with tones and inflection are so much easier for me. It’s not me being creepy or trying to finessed a phone number or anything it’s legit an easier form of communication.

It’s frustrating getting profiled cause I’m a Male over the internet who slides in a DM and no matter what I say people don’t believe me.

I’m getting off topic. But the point I was trying to make is that everyone is so stuck in an “I don’t owe you an explanation,” mode or “you wouldn’t understand.” That it hurts society as a whole.If people were more open about sharing experiences and facing their traumas they’d realize a lot of the things they go through some of the people right next to them deal with as well. Anxiety, depression, feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, unrequited love, irritability, financial instability, and whatever else you can think of.

Like whenever someone ask me about cancer even though I’m still processing things from it I don’t turn them away. It makes things easier honestly. I get things out that have been weighing on my mind and stopping me from moving forward. And they learn more about something they are curious about. It’s a win win scenario.

“You are living proof that life is tough. It takes a incredibly strong person to fight like you did and continue to fight when your world is turned upside down. Seeing you fight is inspiring and makes me appreciate every little thing so much more. Bro if you ever need somebody to talk to, a ear to vent to or just somebody to bullshit with I’m here. I know we’ve never met and we don’t really know each other that well. But just know I care about you and that’s the least i could do, in return for the way you inspire the world.” - Frankie

“You are a fighter. Your mentality, positivity and strength throughout this difficult time has been an inspiration!” - Nikki

“Legit you’re put thru trials because you can handle them.you are an amazing individual for having the strength you have and you inspire me!everyday is a blessing not a guarantee. Stay strong brother you’ve made an impact on this life” - Andrew

“Damn man that last part hits different cause I always talk about how I just want to change people's lives and just be a positive influence. I'm glad to hear that. Let's me know I'm making progress on being a better version of myself. Not only that but making sure the people around me feel the same way.” - me

“Yes sir I’m aware about the people around me trust I’ve had a very interesting up bringing and I notice peoples struggles. And I’m open to peoples struggles. Your story is inspiring and I love that! You have affected me in a positive way so thank you 🙏🏾 you’re a fighter and I respect and admire that more than anything” - Andrew

“Thank you for the warning. More thankful for the sharing of honest words and REAL photos. While you may struggle with pride, your willingness to be vulnerable is admirable. Keep sharing. Keep fighting. ❤️.” - Kelli

These aren’t even half the people that I’ve talked to or shared my experience with. But each and every one of them has made this a lot easier to deal with. Now Imagine going through all of this alone. If I would have turned everyone away because I thought they were all the same.

So please don’t judge people from jump and assume that they are all the same. We aren’t. With everything going on in my life it’s a waste of energy to be petty, negative, or manipulative. It only hurts me in the long run cause I lose out on life changing experiences. And I know better than anyone tomorrow isn’t promised so I have to live in the moment.

“You have about 4 weeks to live...”

“This is above my pay grade so I have to send you up the road.”

“We’ll do our best to save your eye and make sure we don’t damage the brain.”

“We don’t know what it is. Cause it behaves like fibrous dysplasia but that take years to grow. This keeps coming back in months.”

“He’s coding... What happened?” passes out*

“He’s not responding to the epi pen.”

The list goes on...

#Me #Personal #Fuck Cancer #chivalry isnt dead #dating #relationships #friendships

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kachinnate · 4 years

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we’ve finally come time for the one (1) annual Kayla’s Having a Bad Time post

i don’t know anymore what exactly is wrong with me but wow!! is it bad!!! and wow do i hate it !!!!! i have not gone a day w/o crying in like a week and a half and i’m so tired, i’m literally so tired of hating myself just for existing and i’m tired of all the little things that should not upset me upsetting me only because they’re in masse, only because all together it’s so much and i only have two fucking hands

and like in the back of my mind even fucking still i’m like “.... okay but placebo effect. okay but you aren’t really sad tho. okay but you literally just don’t want to get better you are doing this for attention you are doing this bc being content would be easy and you just want to stir the pot clearly, just stop” to the point where i’m like I Guess I Have To Prove to even myself that i am fucking justified in feeling the way that i do before my brain gaslights itself into thinking that there was never anything wrong with me to begin with and that i’ve fucking put myself in this hole myself for no reason other than ... i don’t even know! i don’t know

makes a list in my notes :) to remember all the heinous bullshit going on :) and maybe for catharsis reasons i don’t fucking care anymore

- it’s the anniversary of the thing. you know. ;) the kind of traumatic experience of having the people i called best friends fucking uhhh pick on me every day for the entirety of like eight months - on my eating habits on my behavior on my anxiety on the things they knew i fucking hated about myself - only for them to just. drop me all of a sudden, on THEIR own terms, as if I was the one who fucking did anything to THEM, thus rendering me from never getting my own fucking closure from the situation ! i have both of them still added as friends on snapchat and i follow them on instagram because for some reason i know that if i just blocked them it would cause problems (what problems?? what arbitrary fucking problems???) seeing their faces makes me feel literal actual dread, i can’t go to one of the restaurants in my town alone because they work there and i hate it ! i hated every second of april 2019 - september 2019 where i felt fucking psychotic for being upset over this situation, where i couldn’t convince myself that i wasn’t insane for being strung up and i couldn’t even call it trauma until like march when someone coined it that for me themselves lol ,,,, i hate myself for still giving them my thoughts, i hate myself for wondering that in a different universe where i wasn’t as fucking stupid or ditzy if they’d still talk to me. i hate myself for wondering if ***** looks at the message i left on her poster last april where i told her how much i admired her and loved her and thinks about me, because that was probably the last time i ever said anything real to her, which... haha. what a JOKE right?

- my rsd has somehow fucking spiked and gotten so much worse in like.. the last eight days. literally when i first posted ‘sweet hibiscus tea’ i went and checked it a few days after and it had like. two dislikes? and i like. cried? :) which is so dramatic and i hate it djksgndsg i can’t go a day reading messages or texts from anyone who talks to me without finding one that’s not inherently positive and picking it apart until i’ve hurt myself over something that wasn’t even related, im too sensitive about EVERYTHING but i don’t know how to address it or deal with it so i just don’t which i think is... why it’s getting worse oop. it gets triggered by literally fucking everything i hate it here

- one of the only things bringing me any sort of serotonin rn is making content. hense the hyperfixating on my r and on this oneshot and on the writing meme things, like. it makes me feel productive, but hyperfixating for me oftentimes leads to a bad headspace which makes me fucking disoriented when i come out of it, and like. ofc there’s the typical things w it too like me forgetting to do other shit like eat or whatever but it’s literally been the only way i can cope with myself. making things. getting validation for things. if i can entertain someone for like, ten minutes, maybe anything i do matters. maybe. fuck.

- i can’t not self isolate myself when things are bad, i just. can’t sdjgnsd like i hate talking about myself i hate talking about the way i feel because nothing makes sense?? i encourage people to talk to me when they feel bad but i can’t ever do the same for myself because i’m a hypocrite! and like the feelings of worthlessness overpower everything i do! convince me people don’t care and shit when i know that’s not the case, but if i acknowledge that then i have to think about how i’m being selfish by fucking moping but not talking to anyone, and i just! i cannot win !!! ever!

- ^^^^ on that note, literally the few times i’ve felt okay recently i’ve had that ripped right from me by little things people close to me have done, like !! can you not vague me?? regardless of if you see that i’m doing bad mentally or not ???? i’m begging you , i’m so sorry that i’m not acting normal but can you for one second maybe consider that i’m a person ? i may be SAD but i’m not fucking STUPID so if i bother you just tell me ??? it’s the least you can do ??????

- scared i can’t love. scared i’m not morally a good person. scared that i’m selfish but don’t realize it. i wasn’t meant to have a confidant i don’t think and who am i to ever try and subject anyone to my fucked up head

- i’m constantly fucking terrified on my dad’s behalf because this dude is 41 years old yet i’m the fucking adult out of the two of us most of the time? he comes home drunk so often and i’ve thought that he’s had alcohol poisoning more than once and i hate being fucking scared of having to like. contact fafsa or my college like “hey can u adjust my financial aid, because i’m kind of an orphan now? :’)” we don’t have any other family, i can’t ask anyone to help me it’s literally me and him against the world and he’s put me on this pedestal of being an amazing daughter so i feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him as if i’m his fucking guardian. he drinks so much and he’s so infidelious and ridiculous so what’s going to happen when i leave ?

it’s just. so much. but i don’t want to be a beacon of negative shit because even after all of this i’m self conscious of making other people sad so i pretend that everything’s fine on my sc and in person , which i know gives off the vibe of “but she’s not even acting sad? :///” when i offhandedly mention anywhere that i’ve been depressed and i just. i’m sorry that i don’t post about how when i’m not staring at my huion screen i’m fucking staring at the wall wondering if anyone would fucking notice other than my dad and my coworkers if i just disappeared without a word

it feels selfish to complain about my life feeling bad with all the shit going on, too, on top of that. so it’s better if i just don’t say anything at all, there’s other shit to deal with other than my life falling apart because really this just happens every year around this time doesn’t it. i’ll get over it. i’m being dramatic and stupid and in like two months none of this will even fucking matter

tldr; i need to get my meds upped or something

#irrelevant #do not be obliged to say anything i really just needed to scream on somewhere that wasn't snapchat #bc for legal reasons people don't need to know how i feel <3 #garbage.txt #if you're new here i swear that this isn't normal i'm just fucking bad rn #we'll be back to memes and content momentarily #not proofread #can't look @ this rn #gonna drink some hawaiian punch and probably work on #something #as always <3 #vent #ask to tag #i don't think there's anything particularly Jarring in this but #tw alcohol #longpost #long post

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daesungindistress · 5 years

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I'm going to laugh at you so much after this whole scandal is over and Seungri is finally proven innocent. Get ready to be trolled 😻.

Laugh all you like, whenever you like... whatever makes you feel better. I shouldn’t waste my time with asks like this, but I’m still taking it all pretty seriously (except for that trolling attempt on me this morning, that was fun) so yeah, I’ll bite… I’ll give you an earnest reply.

We’ve all seen it. Over the last few weeks the fandom has migrated away from Seungri in droves, which itself is unprecedented. Never before have I seen such an abandoning. But I think you might be misunderstanding why so many fans have turned away, including many of his own. That or you’re missing the point.

Let me get this out of the way first: yes, in the beginning I was fighting hard for the presumption of innocence. While I was always tentatively open to the idea that some of the accusations could be true (because no matter how much we think we know these guys, we don’t know them), I wanted people to wait until we had more to go by. The investigation was just getting started at the time. Seungri hadn’t been booked for anything yet, and the chats hadn’t been confirmed as real.

Well, now we have more. So much more. We have more than any of us ever expected. And it’s not getting better… it’s getting worse.

That said… “proven innocent”. If only it was that simple. Courts don’t prove innocence; what they will do is find him guilty or not guilty. “Not guilty” doesn’t mean innocent; strictly speaking, it means there isn’t enough evidence to convict him. If that happens, it then comes down to the trust we have in him and how well we think we know him. The sad truth is that while there was once a time when I might have believed in his innocence, that time has passed. Given recent reports of destruction of evidence (changing phones, everyone except JJY exiting the chats in a coordinated manner, leaving the data there to disappear), there will always be doubt. Always. And I’m not confident that this doubt can be overcome. Seungri himself has addressed this already: “the issues that I caused a societal disturbance with are too major.”

Too major. His words, not mine.

Do you understand the gravity of this situation? Do you really? The men in these chats – Seungri’s circle of friends – have likened the women they slept with, some of whom they drugged and raped, to comfort women (yes, new reports have revealed that this goes beyond simply filming and distributing without consent, as if that wasn’t bad enough). Do you know what a charged topic that is in Korea? They might as well have called them sex slaves. We don’t know yet if Seungri was in that chat, but the fact remains that these are people he fostered bonds of friendship with for years, keeping in close contact with them until as recently as last month. His name is irreparably tied to them. I'm not normally one of those "guilty by association" types, but I can't turn a blind eye any longer. I have to question why he stayed. For him, I’m afraid complete innocence has gone out the window, across the rooftops, run away… to quote Duran Duran.

Here’s the deal. Throughout the course of this investigation, we as a fandom have seen enough. No, not everything… but enough. While Seungri might not be guilty of every allegation against him, his involvement brands him as far from innocent. And as such, we no longer need a court verdict to tell us that, if nothing else, his time in Big Bang has come to an end. I don’t give a damn about what he does with his life in the aftermath, as an individual. If he’s guilty, I hope he faces the consequences and comes out a better person. If he’s not guilty, I hope he can pick up whatever is left of his life and carry on in peace without further harassment from the public.

But we VIPs… this isn't our fight anymore. This isn't a decision we need to make for him. Because Seungri already made it for us.

Remember? He retired. And in doing so, I believe he told us all we needed to know. This controversy has grown too great to overcome. On the financial front, it’s become an international affair – Korean police have called on authorities from China, Taiwan, Singapore, and Hong Kong to aid in the investigation. On the sexual side, it hits right at the heart of some of the most heated issues we as women face today: misogyny, sex crimes, and women’s rights. As far as Seungri’s entertainment career is concerned, with a fanbase that's overwhelmingly women... realistically, I just don’t think there’s any coming back from this. And I think Seungri was aware of this. He knows things we don't; things we likely never will. So he acted accordingly and removed himself from the equation before any more damage could be done to Big Bang’s reputation.

And to that I say, good on him. I’ve always said he’s smarter than we give him credit for. Seungri saw his downfall in the near distance, coming for him fast and furious, and he accepted it. Oh, sure, he’s still fighting for his freedom, but his time as a singer… that’s history. At least for the foreseeable future.

When this controversy has finally come to an end... whatever the outcome, I won't be laughing, because nothing about this is funny. A “not guilty” verdict will save Seungri from prison, but it won’t redeem him or his place in Big Bang. The sooner you can accept it like he did, the sooner you can begin the healing process and start learning to move on.

#ask #godokgo #seungri #burning sun #support him as an individual all you want #but it's time to stop calling for his return to bigbang

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faithpeacehopejoy · 4 years

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Be kind to one another....— Ephesians 4:32 Be Kind to Those Who Aren’t Kind to YouAdapted from the resource The Greatest Gift Study - by Joyce Meyer Christmas is the season of good cheer, but it often becomes a season of stress…so much shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking and visiting with friends and relatives. Before you know it, people are losing patience and snapping at one another. It’s easy to become unkind. I’ll never forget something my daughter told me a long time ago. She said that her goal was to learn to love or to treat with kindness, goodness and mercy every single person she encountered who was unkind or ugly to her. She said, “That’s my goal. I want to submit to God in my emotions and the way that I handle myself so that when I’m out in public and someone mistreats me, I respond with kindness.” She said, “One of the things that God has shown me that really helps me to do this is, when someone is grouchy toward me, I can get angry and frustrated or I think: I don’t know what this person is going through. Maybe right now her back hurts terribly. Maybe she has a horrible migraine headache. Maybe this grumpy man at the meat counter at the grocery store has a child who just died last week. Maybe he is carrying a financial burden that feels too heavy for him. Maybe that woman’s husband walked out on her and is living with another woman. Maybe this man has just been told he’s losing his job at the end of the week. We don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. Kindness will cause you to slow down and give people some space and some grace. People are under so much stress that half of the time they don’t even realize what they’re doing. Life was not meant to be the way it is today. We were not meant to live at the fast pace at which we live, with thousands of things coming at us at once. Stress and overload are the disease of the twenty-first century, and it makes people grouchy. People don’t have time for each other anymore. We don’t even have time to talk to anyone. I think we’ve lost sight of some important things in life and that we need to put kindness back on our priority lists! Prayer Starter: Help me, Lord to be especially kind to people who are not kind to me. Matthew 23:11 The greatest among you will be your servant. God Tests Your Faith through DifficultiesBy Rick Warren “You are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident—it happens to prove your faith” (1 Peter 1:6-7 PHILLIPS). Do you ever have days when nothing seems to go right? I once heard about a guy whose apartment was flooded from a broken pipe in the upstairs apartment. His manager said to go rent a water vacuum, but he couldn’t—his car had a flat tire. He changed it and went inside again to phone a friend but got an electric shock from the phone. That startled him and he unintentionally ripped the phone off the wall. During that time, the water damage had jammed the door to his apartment, so a neighbor had to kick down the apartment door. While all this was going on, somebody stole the guy’s car—but it was almost out of gas. He found the car a few blocks away and had to push it to a gas station to fill up the tank. When he got back home, he discovered that four of his canaries had been crushed to death by falling plaster in his apartment. After slipping on the wet carpet and badly injuring his tailbone, this guy began to wonder if “God wanted me dead but kept missing.” Even if you’ve never had a day quite that bad, you’ve likely discovered that life is full of problems, pressures, and stresses. Did you know that the Bible says we shouldn’t be surprised by life’s problems? It says, “You are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident—it happens to prove your faith” (1 Peter 1:6-7 PHILLIPS). If you are a believer, nothing comes into your life by accident. Everything is Father-filtered. The Bible doesn’t say everything’s good. But as Romans 8:28 says, “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (NLT)—even the difficulties, the irritations, and the interruptions. They all have a purpose. We don’t usually realize it when we’re in the situation and may not want to admit it afterward, but every problem has a greater purpose: God does it to prove our faith. So how does God want you to respond to difficulties? James 1:2-3 says, “Consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure” (GNT). God uses difficulties to test your faith, and you increase in faith when you rejoice continually and keep a positive attitude in spite of things not going right. When you remain grateful and positive and continue trusting God even in the middle of difficulties, your faith is stretched.PLAY today’s audio teaching from Pastor Rick >> Talk About It Things may not look good in your life right now. But how is it a comfort to know that God is still working things together for good? Do you desire to increase in faith? Why or why not? How is it a testimony to the world when Christians rejoice in the midst of trials?

#kindness #character #joycemeyerministries #biblestudy #study #scripture #love #life #hope #peace #joy #dailyhope

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mental-health-advice · 5 years

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Submission about an ex-friend

TW: Depression, toxic friendship, mention of drink driving and manslaughter.

Hi there! I hope you’re well. Sorry if this submission isn’t what this blog is for but I honestly don’t know who else to turn to! Basically, I have this ex-friend who suffers from significant mental health problems…depression is his main problem. Recently, this friend has taken it upon themselves to blame me and another friend for a lot of things that we didn’t do. These accusations have become rather lengthy and frequent.

To give a bit of background me and this girl used to live with him in rented accommodation for some years (we’re college students). In all previous years we were supporting him through his mental health problems and encouraging him to seek professional help best we could which he eventually did. Despite this, he unfortunately reached a point last Jan where he had to pause his studies due to these problems half way through the academic year. Unfortunately, if you disrupt your studies half way through the year, government provided student finance no longer reimburses you financially for living costs yet he still had to pay his share of the rent - so he wanted to sublet his room. We said that we’d only agree to this if the new tenant was safe. To cut a long story short, we couldn’t find anyone who was safe (and by unsafe, I mean one of the people who viewed the flat had a drink-driving/manslaughter conviction. Thank you Google). After we turned down these types of people, his Father blackmailed us and began directing some nasty comments our way, so we decided to split his share of the rent until the end of the tenancy. After deciding to split his rent (and put myself in a dire financial position for the sake of my personal safety) we only spoke with him to sort out the end of tenancy which we had to communicate about as we were all on the contract.

Earlier this week, he messaged us on social media saying that us expecting him to find a suitable tenant was unfair as he was suffering from mental health problems at the time and that we (despite working 12 hour shifts on placement plus exam revision) should have found someone instead or offered to pay for his rent upfront. He’s been saying that we did not care for his mental health or financial position and that we should have just lived with whoever said yes as our standards were too high (direct quote from him) “what is considered as personal safety is highly subjective”. He’s saying that we turned down one potential tenant due to homophobia which is 110% not the case, we turned them down as they stole another person’s identity (again, thank you Google- they eventually got convicted for this in case you’re curious), the fact that they were LGBTQ+ was purely a coincidence. Besides, neither of us would ever dream of being homophobic and are both big supporters of LGBTQ+ rights.

He has continued to send us messages about how we’ve let ourselves down as people (even attempting to implicate my family in this mess) and began questioning my professional integrity. Despite having apologised twice and explaining that I never intended to hurt him and me turning down potential tenants was solely in the interests of personal safety, he won’t stop blaming us saying that we’re disappointments as people and stating that we were plotting against him from the start. Even writing this down is making me feel very upset and angry and I don’t know what to do about this situation. I keep having to remind myself that his problems weren’t my fault and that I tried my best to help him both before and during this mess but I keep getting told that, due to who I am as a person, I did this on purpose. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m going crazy!

Thank you for reading this lengthy submission and I hope you’re well. You’re all fantastic people for providing this help to complete strangers and I could not be more grateful. X

Hi there,

I'm really sorry to hear that your ex-friend has put you through all of this! You and your roommates have put up with a lot and, from my perspective at least, it seems like you did everything you could with your situation. You definitely aren’t crazy!

It sounds like your friend is probably going through a lot, which definitely doesn’t excuse his behaviors. Still, it’s possible that his mental health issues are contributing to his behaviors, as that can sometimes make people act out. Since you mentioned that his mental health is what started this whole thing, it leads me to believe that it could explain why he’s still lashing out like this. However, as I mentioned, I'm not trying to excuse his behavior because he really shouldn’t be treating you like this, regardless of how much he might be struggling. Rather, this is just a potential explanation for his behaviors since they seem quite abnormal.

In terms of what you can do, I think the best route to take here is to just keep reminding yourself that there’s only so much you can do to help someone. Sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t turn out the way we want or think they should. You did everything you could and ultimately you had to do what was best for yourself, so you truly don’t deserve to feel bad for this and your ex-friend has no right to make you feel guilty. It doesn’t sound like there was anything else you could have done to make this turn out differently, so I want you to know that you don’t deserve to keep blaming yourself for any of this.

As you deal with this, you may consider cutting off communication with your ex-friend. If he’s going to keep trying to blame you for things that ultimately aren’t your fault and it just makes you feel worse, it may be best to make it so he can’t contact you anymore, such as by blocking him on whatever platform he contacts you through. Another reason to consider this is the fact that he’s trying to bring your family into the situation. It seems like he’s blowing things out of proportion and making you feel worse in the process, which doesn’t seem worth the stress.

I hope things work themselves out soon and that you’re able to release yourself from the guilt surrounding this situation. Take care and let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.

-Samantha

#toxic friend #depression #toxic friendship #friends #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

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justfor2am · 5 years

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Snow in Venice

Words: 4610

Warnings: Character death, terminal illness, crying, alcohol mention

Ships: Logicality, implied Prinxiety, Logince

I technically wrote this a while back on a different site, but I figured I could bring this over here too! Hope y’all enjoy. Based around the cover of ‘Snow in Venice’ Thomas posted a couple years ago. I apologize if the Italian is wrong, I had to use google translate for some bits.

Abejita: little bee

Logan has the perfect life. A wonderful husband, a house, and a place in the world. But seasons change, and with it, Logan finds himself chasing old horizons and running into new ones.

"Maybe my song isn't happy enough but I, I see it take flight with the snowflakes above me..." Patton's voice carried through the kitchen, over the light sizzle of eggs in a battered frying pan. Logan had been busying himself with setting the table, when a faint smile passed over his lips.

"That song again? I'd thought by now you'd grow tired of it." His voice held no bite as he set down the last of the cutlery, and snaked his arms around the other's waist. Logan loved hearing Patton sing; sweet like the cardinals chirping outside their front porch. Light streamed through the open curtains of the window; the air was a fair and breezy reminder of the coming spring weather.

Patton laughed under his breath, soft, golden brown curls falling into his eyes. He pushed his hair back, (Logan really must get him a haircut) and shrugged. "I don't know, it just makes me happy. Even though the singer is sad, they're still looking for their partner."

He turned off the gas-lit stove with a click. "It's almost romantic." Patton smiled at his husband, and left a sweet kiss on his lips. Logan could never get enough of his kisses, and his ears turned pink in embarrassment. "I suppose that's one way of viewing it."

"Come on, honeybee. Breakfast's ready!"

•••

"My coffee gets cold, as I'm staring enthralled, at the snow, that keeps falling outside." The words were no longer belted out in a rich, warm tone. Patton's lungs had grown far too weak for such things in recent months, and Logan didn't want him straining himself anymore than necessary. Patton busied himself with another knitted scarf, humming under his breath; Logan prepped him another cup of tea and tried to ignore the fits of coughing that frequented his room.

"You really should rest your voice, I don't want you to lose it again." Logan carried a small tray into the other's room, a cup of lavender tea with two spoonfuls of honey they way he liked. The tray was set down on the nightstand, and Logan picked up Patton's last, unfinished cup. He was having trouble keeping anything down, these days.

Patton's fingers froze in their weaving, the yellow and green thread uneven and messy. He slowly turned to look at Logan, a thin, fragile smile gracing his face. "You're so sweet, but I promise, I'm nearly well. Can't I go outside for a little while?" He asked.

Logan watched him carefully, those round, hazel eyes that didn't shine the way they used to. Logan saw how Patton's hand shook, how he could barely keep his knitting even. And he didn't want to remember the last time he'd let his husband get out of bed unattended; a nearly twisted ankle had given them both much more than a small fright.

It pained him to shake his head, to look Patton in those gorgeous, hazel eyes and tell him "no," tell him "he couldn't risk getting any more ill."

Patton said he wasn't sick, this was just a small flu, a cold, allergies. Every day, something new. Every day, the same request to leave bed rest just for a day, an hour, a minute. All he wanted to do was feel the sun again, or if it were raining, to splash in puddles and not care if his socks got wet. To be and feel alive.

Eventually, he stopped asking. Mid summer, when Logan brought him his hourly tea, he asked a different question. "Honeybee," Patton said, "Could you bring me a map?"

Confused, Logan set down the cup of tea. "A map? A map of what?"

He paused, thinking. "Europe, I think. Yeah, Europe." He was almost cheery, a new, excited spark emitting from Patton. "And a pencil, if you don't mind."

Logan brought him what he'd requested, and kissed him. "I don't know what you're planning, but don't strain yourself." He said. "The last thing I want is for you to fall asleep while working."

The latter only smiled, and cupped his cheek. "You're one to talk, sweetheart."

•••

Patton hadn't been this bubbly in ages. Through all of the coughing and feverish ranting, he kept his spirits high with what he was now calling, "The Fredricksen Project".

"You know," he pushed another red pin into the now lightly battered-up map, connecting the blue thread to yet another city, "Like Carl and Ellie Fredricksen, from Up?"

Logan chuckled, moving to sit on the bed next to Patton, "Last time I checked, they only wanted to visit one place in South America, or did we not view the same movie?" He took a seat next to Patton on the bed, where he was now tying a light blue thread from one pin to another. There were quite a number of places marked, London, Paris, Berlin, Rome- "...I don't suppose you're also planning for modes of transportation?" He asked lightly. "London and Paris aren't exactly next-door-neighbors."

His husband only shook his head and laughed. "That's part of the fun. We'll figure it out as we go." Patton pushed the map away from himself, taking a long look at it. "I think," he said, "we're still missing something." He pursed his lips, and clicked his tongue in a wondering key. "I just don't know what."

Logan picked up the map, and smiled. "Perhaps a final stop in Venice wouldn't be a bad idea." He took a red pin, marking the city. "What do you think? I've heard it's lovely in the spring."

Patton nodded, and kissed his lips with a content hum. "Venice sounds perfect." He sat up slightly, stretching his back. "When would you want to go?"

Tapping a pencil against the paper, Logan counted the points listed. "There's quite a lot of cities to visit, it would take us a while. We've only just finished paying off the house, and there's still my work at the university that needs to be taken into account-"

He was interrupted by a heavy bout of coughing, and his eyes darted to Patton's frail figure, curling up into himself. Logan's hands went like clockwork, first to push away any loose pins or papers away from Patton, then to the glass of water that always sat on the nightstand. But he refused the water, instead taking a long, heavy breath. Patton leaned back against the pillows and sighed.

Logan pushed his curls away from his eyes, and he could see what was left of that bright cheerfulness draining away. Patton was exhausted, or maybe more than that. Something like running on empty, Logan supposed.

"Maybe we should wait a while, until your health impro-" "No." Logan blinked, his train of thought interrupted. Patton rubbed his eyes, and pulled his heavy black-framed glasses off. "I don't want to wait anymore."

It was rare for his husband to sound so blank, even with the state of his illness. This was something new. "...What do you mean?" He asked.

Patton stared down at his bedsheets, folding the fabric between his fingers. "I...I don't want to put this off anymore." He paused, adding hastily, "The trip, I don't want to wait on the trip anymore."

"I think it's time we had ourselves another adventure, you know?" His hazel eyes met Logan's, and once again, Logan found it painful to tell him 'no'. "Yes, I think it's time."

He stood up, leaving the map with Patton. "But, not today. Soon, however. I promise."

Patton nodded, looking back down at his hands. "Soon."

•••

"I got you something!" Patton hid his phone screen from Logan, who in turn, playfully covered his eyes. "I suppose this is a 'no peeking' type situation?"

Patton giggled, "Yup! You have to guess."

"How many guesses do I get?"

"Um, one."

Logan uncovered his eyes slightly. "Well those don't sound like fair odds."

"Hey, no peeking!" Patton chided, and Logan covered his eyes again. "Wait, can I just tell you? It's really, really special."

"Do I get to uncover my eyes if you do?" Logan asked.

"Sure, now come, come!" Patton reached for Logan's hand. Logan uncovered his eyes and threaded their fingers together. "What did you get me?"

Patton turned his phone back on, "I know our anniversary is a few weeks away, but I wanted to go ahead and get this early." On his phone, there was a receipt for a connected-flight plane ticket. Logan scrolled through the page, and skimmed the cities listed. "London, Paris, Berlin... Patton, how did you afford this?"

He shrugged, still smiling. "I went through my retirement fund. Was a penny and a half, but I'm glad I did."

Logan was dumbfounded. "I, this is a wonderful gift Patton, I love it." He hesitated. "But, I can't accept this. It's too much, you'll need something to fall back on financially in the future. Besides, there's only one ticket, and if you're implying that I take this trip without you, I could never."

Patton squeezed his hand. "Honeybee, it's okay. This is just the first step, you know. We'll start saving, and I'll get a ticket for myself later. But this is yours, and I want you to have it."

His breathing failed him for a moment, and Patton took a long pause. "From me to you, our adventure is finally starting."

•••

"I don't want you here; please go home."

"My home is right here; I'm not leaving."

This was the types of talks Logan and Patton were having now, but instead of their cozy two-story home, and soft beds, and hot tea, there were sterilized hospital rooms, and hard beds, and beeping machines.

Patton was counting his fifteenth day in this room, and fourth in his attempts to convince Logan to leave. "I don't want you to see me like this, I know it hurts you." His voice was faint and broken, and anything he said was more often than not, followed by a coughing spell. "It's time to go."

"If you think I could leave you in a hospital all alone, of all places, and be able to live with myself, then you are sorely mistaken." Logan had his arms crossed in a defensive pose across his chest, pacing the room with an irregular foot step. "It's not time to go anywhere, Patton. I need to be with you, here."

Logan could see Patton shaking his head out of the corner of his eye, and he sighed. "I'm not going to leave you, and that's final."

"I've trapped you, I didn't mean to do that-"

"You've done no such thing, rest your voice."

"Lo, you need to go."

"I can't. I won't. I'm not going to."

Patton coughed, and fell back against his pillows harshly. "I think, maybe, we have different meanings to where you would go."

He stopped pacing. "I'm talking about our house," Logan said. "What do you mean?"

"Europe."

He froze. "No. Absolutely not. I cannot go to Europe and simply leave you here."

"You already have a ticket, remember?" Patton mumbled. He closed his eyes, and slowed his ragged breathing. "Everything's ready, and I really want you to go. Take pictures for me, if you'd like."

Logan shook his head firmly, "I'm not going to Europe while you're so ill. When you get better, we can take the trip together. I promised you that, remember? I promised that we would go soon, the moment you were well enough to travel. Besides, there's almost enough saved up to buy you your ticket, it's just a matter of waiting a little while longer."

Patton opened his eyes slowly, and stared up at the ceiling. "You know I can't wait anymore.

"That's not true, you're getting better."

"You know that's a lie honeybee, please don't lie to yourself."

"Stop saying that, you're getting better I know it-" He wasn't sure at what point he'd walked to the window, or why he was leaning against it trying not to cry. Logan wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"And traveling light.... is a curse, and a blessing. For someone like me, whose heart has gone missing..." Patton's voice was thin and worn out, but Logan needed to hear it.

So get on that plane, as the snow turns to rain, and I'm writing your name, on the clouds..."

•••

Logan had always hated airports. The noisy bustling of business men in grey suits and black ties, maternal figures herding their children and partners to the correct gate with an exhausted expression, and those were only two types of people that frequented this place.

It was something akin to purgatory for him, and Logan was filled with doubt from the baggage checks to the physical act of boarding the plane itself. There was very little he still carried with himself: a single suitcase with simple, practical garments, a wallet with as much money the bank allowed him to withdraw stuffed messily inside, and a few legal things here and there. Birth certificates, social security cards, passports, things he wanted to do away with.

He found himself taking a window seat, waiting for the actual departure. Getting to this point had been incredibly difficult, and somehow the funeral was the least painful of the events leading up to this point. The event was an unsteady blur, from unknown guests leaving their best regards with him, to unwanted handshakes and teary looks as he sat silently by the casket staring unblinking at those who were mourning.

He didn't want to mourn here, where people would judge and jeer, those who never approved of their marriage muttering under their breaths as to how deserved his husband's death was.

"Fuck them," Logan thought. Logan opted to mourn in private, when the viewing was over, and the body burned. Patton had always wanted to have his ashes turned into a tree. "Give back to the world!" he would have said. Patton was always giving too much. Giving was what killed him, handing out bits and pieces of his soul until there was nothing left of himself to keep ,and he was flat-lining at the hospital, and the room was so full, too many people, too many hands on his husband, where was his-

Logan casually brushed away a stray tear that crawled its way down his face. No, not here. Not in an airport, of all places. He stared hard out of the window, his breath heavy, fogging up the glass.

He wrote his name. It faded quickly, and Logan sniffed as quietly as possible. This was no place for crying.

This was no place for remembering.

•••

The trip was fairly straight-forward. Logan found himself at what most would consider the most attractive tourist locations: London was the Buckingham Palace, a bus tour, the Tower of London, and a quick view from The Shard before departing for France. The sooner he got out of the UK, the better. Logan could remember all of the places Patton had longed to visit here, planned to a key. It hurt to stay.

Before he left, Logan did make time to visit platform 9 3/4. He took a picture of the trolley stuck in the wall, and an attendant approached him. "You're allowed to take a picture on it too, if you'd like."

He shook his head politely. "No, thank you. The pictures aren't for me." He walked away quickly, looking to avoid her follow-up questions. Yes, he should leave London promptly.

France, unfortunately, was not any better for his emotions. Paris, the revered "City of Love": couples walking in happy, bubbly pairs and kissing by the Eiffel Tower ate away at Logan's heart, in pinching, little munches. He spent the least time in Paris, eager to see any place that wasn't so full of romance and well....love.

Germany was a welcomed stop. Here, it wasn't so bad to drink beer at three in the afternoon by yourself in a park, so long as you didn't bother anyone walking by. Logan rummaged through his suitcase and pulled out Patton's map. There were still two more cities left, and he groaned to himself. There was very little will left in him to get off of this stupid bench, let alone finish the trip. Yes, Berlin was lovely.

But it would be better with him here.

•••

The endeavor that was this trip wasn't to be completed in a matter of weeks, oh no. Logan had set out shortly after Patton's passing in late November. It was passing New Year's now, and he'd spent it drinking in Rome. In his defense, there was an extensive selection of wines to be had in Italy, and it would be a disservice to not enjoy a few glasses. Or at least, that's what the bartender had told him.

Logan had left Berlin some days before the coming of the year, in a state of heated embarrassment. As it turns out, to make calls overseas via cell phone, you need an international calling card, which Logan did not own nor cared to purchase. He knew that family and friends back in the States were probably wondering where he was. In rather broken Italian, Logan made his way to a phone booth that hadn't seen a human in ages, and stuffed several euros into its slot.

"Dove stai chiamando?" ("Where are you calling to?") the automatic voice system asked.

"Um, gli stati Uniti?" (Um, the United States?") he replied.

"Si prega di inserire il numero desiderato, ora." ("Please enter the desired number, now.")

"...grazie." (Thank you.)

He punched in the 0-0-1 for international calling, and froze. Logan didn't really want to call home, but felt that out of obligation, he should. He shook his head, and entered a familiar number.

"Hello?" He spoke into the receiver. "Hello, greetings, um, it's...it's Logan. I know I haven't called in a while, I've just been...uncertain, of myself as of late. I wanted to check on how you were doing-"

"Hey there!" A voice replied. "You've reached the voicemail of Patton Sanders!"

Logan's shoulders sagged. The message played on, "oh, Logan's at the door, that's my husband. Logan, honeybee, come say hi! Oh whoops, that was the mail lady, sorry Mary Lee! Well anyway, this is his voicemail too, so just leave a message and we'll get back to you in a jiffy! Bye now!"

A long beep played, and for a while Logan didn't say anything. He stared at the light flurry of snow that had started to pile up against the phone booth door. Months. It had been months since Logan had heard his husband speak.

He cleared his throat. "H-hello Patton, it's me. I know it seems odd to leave a voicemail, but many odd things have happened to me lately."

"Uh, well, it's still snowing here. I'm in Berlin, by the way. On our trip? I'm sorry you couldn't make it, you couldn't imagine the views I've seen...um...I miss you. I miss you quite a lot, and I'll be home soon, okay? I promise. I love you." Logan set the receiver back down on its hook, and rubbed his face pink, trying to fight away the tears. Not here, not now.

"I love you. I love you a lot."

Now he was in Rome, trying to forget all of the emotions that had attacked him in that moment. Grief, joy, heartbreak, it just wasn't the right time for these things.

•••

"Venice, the great city of.... Oh, who cares anymore." Logan thought, shuffling in from the heavy mid-January snow into a quaint café a few blocks from the airport. All of the time he's spent in Italy, Logan found himself enjoying the language as he ordered a small coffee in (albeit rather clumsy) Italian.

The café carried a mellow atmosphere, with a guest tucked away in a far corner skillfully playing the piano. The lights were fairy-like and dim, and with plush pillows and chairs, it felt like home. Logan took his coffee to an empty table, and pulled out the battered map one more time. Venice was the last city Patton had planned for, and Logan was faced with the drudgery of home life staring him in the eyes blankly.

As much as he had wished for Patton's cheerful presence on this trip, Europe had become a healing experience for Logan, and he wasn't looking forward to leaving. Instead, Logan focused on the moment, and sipped his coffee slowly as the pianist started to shift songs.

"Forse la mia canzone non è abbastanza felice ma io, lo vedo prendere il volo con i fiocchi di neve sopra di me." The voice was warm and rich, full of a vibrant tone that Logan could only call familiar.

Half way into the first verse, Logan could hear the man shift into English. "And maybe I'll see you again when it's snowing in Venice. And I will be on my way home." Several heads had turned to catch a glimpse of the singer, but most simply nodded along, accustomed to these types of performances happening.

Logan stood, and made his way to the piano as the man sang on, "And see you in London or maybe in Paris. Berlin will be waiting, and so will be Rome," Logan knew this song. Had the words stitched into his heart and brain, knew the notes by memory. "And maybe I'll see you again when it's snowing in Venice. And I will be on my way home." The singer paid no attention to Logan, eyes closed in thought as he played.

"Oh la Venezia, mi fa cosi bene." Logan sang along quietly, sitting down nearby the piano. "Esco ogni sera, e vado a ballare." The pianist lowered his voice to raise Logan's, eyes still closed as he followed the tune. "Che ben atmosfera, che bellissima neve. Non ce proprio niente," the singer opened his eyes, and caught Logan's eye. He paused, hands floating atop the keys.

Logan finished the phrase, "....Che mi posso mancare..." The two stared at each other a long time. There was something familiar about the other, but the two had never met before. The café had gone quiet, and whispered murmurs were floating around.

Before Logan could even say a word, the stranger spoke. "...Virgil?"

•••

The air was crisp and sharp, the heavy snow from before lightening into a gentle flurry. The two men sat together outside at the edge of a fountain, now frozen over and still.

The pianist apologized for earlier, his suave, confident movements now awkward and nervous. "I hope I didn't startle you with what I said, you looked so much like someone I used to know." His voice was muffled from the heavy scarf around his neck.

Logan waved him down, "It's alright, of all the things I've have to deal with on this excursion of mine so far, I would say this is the least unpleasant. Dare I even say, interesting. You speak two languages?"

"Three," He mumbled. "I grew up in Spain and moved to Italy a few years ago. I've picked up what I can from the locals, and now it's my home."

"Where did you learn English from?" Logan asked.

The man sighed, and pulled down his scarf. "From him. Virgil." he clarified. "We met after I moved here, he was a college foreign exchange student from the United States. He spent two years here in Italy, and I found myself entertained with his language that I only knew bits and pieces of."

"Eventually," he said, "I took an English class at a small college here, and the rest is history." His breath made small puffs of smoke rise up into the air, and his cheeks a rosy pink.

"That's incredible." Logan said, watching his own breath lift into the breeze. "The only Italian I know is by ear, and even that is limited to a semester at best."

They sat in silence for a while. "I never got your name."

"I'm Roman. You?"

"Logan. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

•••

The two chatted for some time, until the sun started to reach for the horizon with its orange hues. Logan learned several things about Roman in that time: he moved to Italy to become a performer, he dated Virgil during their second year together but separated when Virgil had to return to the U.S., the two no longer spoke, and Roman was always wondering how he was doing back home.

Logan told Roman plenty about himself: how his husband had planned the trip, about Patton's terminal illness and passing, how much he enjoyed having someone to share his grief with. When the tears came, and after so long of holding them back you'd think this would have happened sooner, Roman simply pulled a crumpled tissue out of his pocket, and gave him a side hug.

"I think you know where you're supposed to be," Roman said. "And it's not here."

From there, it was a simple exchanging of numbers and a short cab to the airport.

Upon returning to the States, Logan bought the first calling card he could find and dialed Roman's number with an unsteady hand. "Hello? This is Logan."

"Missing me already?" The voice teased. Logan sighed with relief, and chuckled. "I bet you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? I'm only testing my card." He hailed a cab from the airport parking lot. "When did you say you could visit?"

"March uh....shoot, what's that number? After the twelve? I can't ever say it right."

"Thirteenth?"

"Yes, that one! March one-three." He quipped.

Logan smiled, "I don't know if I'll have my house clean by then, it's been empty for some time now. I wouldn't be surprised to find it over run with dust bunnies by now."

Roman laughed loudly into the receiver, and Logan found himself remembering Patton's laugh within it; rich and full of life. "Please, a few dust bunnies is nothing compared to a good duster and enough time."

"I guess you'll just have to come and see for yourself." Logan opened the door to the cab and pulled out his suitcase, staring up at the empty house. The paint was cracked in a few places, and the mailbox was overflowing with letters.

The inside was perfectly persevered under a heavy layer of dust, and each room had a vast empty feeling to them; a need to be filled.

"We've got our work cut out for us here, Roman." Logan set down his suitcase on the kitchen tables, and he yanked the dusty curtains open, propping his phone under his ear.

"Oh, we'll manage. I better I can dust faster than you can, Abejita."

Roman laughed again, and Logan watched the bits of dust fall to the floor and on the sink, pilling even further. But the mountain of dust was a more welcomed sight than Logan's own grief, which felt small next to Roman's voice.

He looked out the window. Patton's ash tree was much more than a sprout now. It was tall and thin, with wispy branches and a few vibrant, green leaves.

A bird was singing. The sun was out. Roman rambled in his ear, and Logan felt at ease.

"I'm so excited to visit America, I've never been there before! Florida must be beautiful abejita, I've seen pictures of your palm trees and wide beaches, and of flowers and animals..."

"Yes, yes." Logan replied, but he was barely paying attention anymore. He closed his eyes, and hummed to himself.

"It's home."

#justfor2fics #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #logicality #logince #prinxiety #character death #alcohol mention #terminal illness

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amysubmits · 5 years

Note

Can you think of a time or situation where CD’s dominance or love for you blew you away? Has he ever done something that made you feel even more love for him?

Many many times. Some of the big ones:

Just a few months after we started dating my family got some bad news. I can’t really go into the details but I’ll say that to this day it’s one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with. It was one of those things that kinda turns your world upside down and you walk around in a fog almost numb, unable to focus on normal happy things much. I realized that one of my best friends was tired of me talking about the thing going on even though I didn’t bring it up that much to her. I talked to CD about it all the time and he never was bothered. He just supported me even though I wasn’t very fun to be around and being willing to have a sad, depressed girlfriend so early on really meant a lot to me. It made me realize he wasn’t just there to have fun, he really cared about me.

We got an apartment together fresh out of high school because my dad was moving so my only other option was to move in with my mom and that house was toxic for me. I actually called him to tell him my dad was moving so I had to move in with my mom because that was the only option I could see for myself at the time. His reaction was basically the opposite, feeling like our only valid option was to get an apartment together. He couldn’t imagine me moving in with my mom as it was unhealthy for me. That blew me away because it meant choosing to live where we could barely make ends meet, but he would rather be poor with me than the alternatives. That meant a lot to me.

When I decided to try to turn my hobby into a job he was excited for me and was my biggest cheerleader even though it meant significant risk and financial sacrifices. He cared more about seeing me happy.

When I admitted to him that I wanted DD he didn’t judge me at all. It blew me away how accepting he was.

When we first got dogs seeing how sweet he was with them surprised me. I had grown up with men who pretended to dislike their own pets as they thought caring for animals was weak or something lame like that. So the fact that he unabashedly fell in love with our two little dogs, put them on his social media and all that, made me kinda fall in love with him again.

When I had my first seizure he saw it happen but didn’t know it was a seizure. When I first regained consciousness (somewhat, anyway, its a very surreal state of mind) I didn’t recognize him and was afraid of them even though we had been dating for over five years. He tried coming closer to me to touch me or hold me a few times but I was terrified and was screaming so he left the room to make me feel safe even though he desperately wanted to comfort me. I kinda fell back asleep for a minute before an ambulance came. I felt more ‘with it’ that time. I knew who he was and everything. I had no memory of screaming or not recognizing him a few minutes before. As they were loading me in the ambulance he repeated to me a couple of times that he couldn’t ride in the back but he was going to be in the cab, that he was going to be at the hospital when I got there, he was staying with me etc. In my mind, I kept saying ‘I know. I know. I know’ but I couldn’t remember how to speak for some reason. I just kept repeating words in my mind hoping they would come out of my mouth somehow. I’d like to blame it on whatever was messing up my brain, but I was almost annoyed like ‘of COURSE you’re coming with me. Why do you think I wouldn’t know that? I know you wouldn’t just abandon me at the hospital are you nuts?” lol. But (much) later when I realized within a few moments I went from having no memory of who he was, to then knowing who he was and being so confident he would stick with me, meant a lot to me.

With that being my first seizure they couldn’t really do anything for me, you have to have two for medication or an epilepsy diagnosis. I had another seizure less than 48 hours later and was hospitalized for a week after that second one. My memory that entire time was very touch and go, I kept basically ‘waking up’ or ‘coming to’ with no memory of the previous few days, confused about why I was in the hospital and so on. It’s a very bizarre state of mind and hard to explain to someone who hasn’t had a seizure, everything is kinda surreal feeling. But because I was so confused that whole week he refused to leave the hospital even to shower because he was scared I would wake up and think he hadn’t been there with me the whole time.

And then recently we’ve been trying to cope with my dad’s terminal cancer diagnosis. Which is extremely emotional but has also just changed up our schedules a lot as we’ve both stepped in to help him more and to just be with him more. So life has just been hard, our D/s has had to adjust, and life is just not very fun and the support he’s shown me (and my dad) throughout means the world to me. Not that it surprises me anymore, I know he is the man he is so it’s not surprising anymore. It still means a ton to me though.

Obviously, all of these are kinda sad/difficult things but to me they all show his loyalty, commitment and dedication to me in ways that aren’t really seen as explicitly when life is easier. So that’s why they mean so much. I grew up seeing relationships that got strained while stressed. I didn’t know pulling together through difficult times was something that can really happen. I feel so lucky to have that.

#asks

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sparkles-and-trash · 5 years

Text

SKAM! South Park AU

trash note: oh my god I spent waaay too much time on this jesus christ, but I’m not even sorry for this lol, but a while back I got an anon asking about how I thought SP would be like in SKAM format, and I rambled a bit about it but since then I’ve been binging both SKAM and SP and I’ve been thinking about his a lot, like a lot a lot, so I needed to get it out of my system hah

Season 1: Stan

Parallels:

Stan - Eva Wendy - Jonas Kenny - Noora (sort of)

The season starts with showing bits and pieces of Stan and Wendy during their junior year in high school. they’ve been dating since they were kids and everyone thinks they’re the perfect couple. Stan also has the perfect friend group in Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Cartman, and even tho his father is a bit of a drunk idiot, his parents still care about him, and his life is generally pretty good.

The season progresses and we start seeing pretty soon tho that things aren’t as perfect as they seem, mainly Stan’s relationship with Wendy and his self image. It’s also clear that Stan is a little too much like his father when it comes to drinking. Wendy is driven and confident, while Stan is unsure of just about everything in his life, from his relationship to his sexuality to his hopes and dreams, to who he really is and want to be.

Soon, Stan thinks Wendy is having an affair with his best friend, Kyle, who is much more like Wendy than he is, they’re on the debate team together, as well as a bunch of AP classes and they’re in respective sports team, Wendy is on the girls volleyball team and Kyle is amazing at basket. They’ve been friendly for a while, but as Stan starts to draw back from both of them due to his issues, they start worrying and therefor talking and hanging out more.

Season climaxes at a party where Stan gets drunk and cheats on Wendy with a random girl, but starts crying right after, and Kenny, who’s been a constant calm and supporting, but a little taken for granted, presence for Stan up until now, finds him, and talks him trough a bunch of the stuff he’s been going trough. Stan, confused as ever, tries to kiss Kenny, who just calmly smiles, tells him that now is not the time, and that Stan needs to have a serious talk with Wendy.

Season ends nearing Christmas, with drama following the party as someone saw Stan kissing Kenny, and rumors of Stan being gay starts flowing, and Stan with a lot of help from Kenny and Kyle, comes to terms with the fact that he is bisexual.

Wendy is of course hurt and sad, but she tries to talk to him and be supportive, which takes Stan by total surprise. They end up having a big talk and breaking up, mutually agreeing and both still sad, but Stan needs to take time to be on his own and be with his friend and explore his sexuality, and he and Wendy seriously wants to stay friends.

Season 2: Kenny

Parallels:

Kenny - Noora (kinda) The themes, but only slightly so not that much really

Season starts at school, a couple of months into the spring semester of the kids junior year, and it’s just normal banter and talk with the boys, but things kinda focuses on Kenny, and we kinda see how he’s more of a observer and commentator in the group.

Kenny is, from last season, known as the guy in his group that always seems to have the answer, he’s calm and confident, but not cocky, seemingly knows everyone, but nobody really seems to know him that well, except his closest friends. We see that he works at Tweeks parents coffee shop, and even tho he clearly likes the job, Tweek comments that Kenny’s working almost every day and asks about how he has time for school etc, Kenny jokes it off tho.

Pretty soon in the season a party happens, and we see how Kenny is the one in the group that gets hit on most, by both girls and boys, but never really shows any interest in doing anything about that, to Kyle and Cartmans big dismay, as they call him out on it, trying to get him to explain why the hell he won’t take advantage of the situation, to which Kenny usually just laughs off or makes a witty comment about the two others being virgins.

The next day we see Kenny at home, and learn that his homelife is pretty complicated. His parents are both in jail, and his quiet older brother, Kevin, is the one taking care of the family financially and officially, by working two jobs and being Kenny and their younger sister, Karens, legal guardians, and Kenny is basically raising Karen, by himself. We also see his room, covered in polariods from the old camera he always carries around, pictures of friends, stranger and landscape, giving us an idea he’s good at observing and capturing peoples essence quickly.

During a Friday, in which the other boys are at a party trying to get laid as usual, Kenny is home alone with Karen, watching a movie and just chilling, to which the boys keeps texting him and telling him he sucks for being lame etc. Karen herself confronts Kenny about why he’s staying in with her instead of going out with his friends, and he honestly says he likes hanging with her, and that he doesn’t have time to party and date and stuff like the others because he have more responsibility than them, but hurries to assure her it’s all good with jokes etc, like always.

Season nears the climax when Karen takes it on herself to talk with Kennys friends about how he’s been working so much and how much stress he’s been under, and the boys are kinda shocked to find out how bad things are for Kenny at home, because he’s always so good at hiding stuff and pretending he’s happy when he’s around them.

Kyle and Stan, worried and with good intentions, decides to tell their parents, and their parents immediately starts worrying, esp the moms, and when Stan and Kyle tries to talk to Kenny and offer help, he gets very upset and feels likes he’s been betrayed with his friends talking about his issues behind his back, and when they mention that their mothers want to help he totally freaks out.

After some days with isolation and stress, Butters finally manages to talk to Kenny, with help from Karen letting him into Kennys room, and they end up having a pretty long and serious talk, and Kenny admits that about a year ago the Child Services was involved and almost split the three up, but Kevin managed to convince them to let them stay together, but that they’re still under the radar, and that’s why he’s so stressed about people finding out, he’s super worried about anyone talking to CS and Karen being taken away. Butters manages to get Kenny to talk to the others, and with a lot of awkward apologizing and bro punches to the shoulders, things starts to go back to normal.

Season ends with Stan and Kyles mothers promising to be there if Kenny needs help with Karen when he and Kevin works and the boys helps out in every way they can, and even tho he still finds it hard, Kenny is starting to learn how to accept help, and opening up more to his friends.

Season 3: Bebe

parallels:

Bebe / Isak Red / Even Wendy / Jonas

So this is obv the season with most parallels to the original Norwegian season, but I’m still gonna change a bunch so buckle up gals and pals

Season starts at a big party at Stans house, where we see the two boy gangs smoking week and laughing, others from the school in various states of drukeness, before we see Bebe, a tall, beautiful blonde, being chatted up by a tall, dark and handsome guy in a varsity jacket, while we see Clyde Donovan glaring jealously in the background.

Bebe is Wendy’s best friend and up until now we have mainly seen her as a fierce supporter of Wendy all trough the whole deal with Stan, which was pretty hard on Wendy, of course. Bebe is known for being beautiful and popular, esp with the boys, and she hooks up with different guys a lot, but isn’t slutshamed because that’s stupid and nobody should do that anymore okay great

When the Wendy and Bebe arrives at school the following Monday, they’re talking about how Bebe is struggling with the fact that her other best friend, the school’s baseball and lacrosse star, and the most popular guy in school, Clyde, who we’ve seen a little of in the earlier seasons, is hopelessly in love with her, while Bebe does not feel the same way. In the middle of her rant to Wendy, she drifts off when she sees a new girl walking through the hallway and Bebe stares at her in famous SKAM slo-mo action.

The girl is pretty, and remarkable and from the second Bebe lays eyes on her she knows she’s fucked. The girl have long, thick, dark red hair, wears a short, but classy red dress and have classic, red lips, and to Bebe she’s just... perfection. Wendy manages to break Bebe out of her trance, and tells her she needs to go to a debate club meeting.

Bebe hurries to see if she can spot the girl again, but she seems to be gone, and instead Bebe is approached by a lanky boy with messy, blonde hair and clear green eyes, grinning like a madman and twitching slightly. When Bebe asks Tweek what the hell he’s grinning about, he hints that he saw he drooling at the new girl, who he reveals is his boyfriend, Craig Tucker’s, cousin. They knew her as kids, but she moved away around sixth grade, but she just moved back. Bebe just states that she’s not gay, and walks away.

As the season progresses, Bebe gets to know the girl, Red, trough Craig, and they start hanging out a bit in private, usually sneaking away at parties to hook up, but they also start hanging out more in private, really getting to know each other, and after a while Bebe realizes she’s having real feelings for this girl, and while Bebe is trying to deal with all of this, Clyde walks in on her and Red hooking up during a party.

Heartbroken, Clyde outs Bebe and Red to the whole party, and Bebe flees the party. Soon the whole school seems to know, and Bebe is left to deal with her parents, her friends and the rest of the school, reacting to the news. She soon learns that the people she was most worried about, like her parents and Wendy, are very accepting and sweet, while the ones who’s being problematic isn’t homophobic in the way she expected, but are all treating her like some mix of porn star and caged animal, and she really, really hates it.

Bebe, frustrated and angry, cuts of Red and tries to put her life back together, starting with a big talk with Stan, who got outed in a way himself a year back, and then she has a long conversation with Tweek and Craig, at first about peoples expectations to you when you come out and the horrible feeling of being a show to people in town because of it. Then they talk about Clyde, and while both the boys and Bebe are still really upset with him, bebe admis to missing her bff. She decides to talk to him, and he agrees to meet up and talk.

When they meet up it’s pretty tense, sad and awkward, and while Clyde apologizes right away, trough tears, Bebe still struggles pretty hard to forgive him. After a lot of talking they get to an okay point, but Bebe tells him they still have a way to go. Then she sighs and says she really misses Red, who she cut off after everything got out, and Clyde stats putting a plan in motion to getting the girls to talk.

The season ends with Clyde’s elaborate plan, involving everyone from Kenny, Stan, Kyle, Butters and Cartman, to Wendy and Tweek and Craig, and it does not according to plan, at all, and Red is kinda reluctant to forgive Bebe right away, but when Clyde starts crying hysterically and apologizing wildly, she agrees that the shit that happened was indeed Clyde’s fault, and that Bebe’s reaction was fair considering the situation.

Cue happy ending kiss and all the gay feels.

Season 4: ???

coming soon hopefully I just can’t really figure this one out 100% or 50% or 20% because there’s a thousand people I wanna make it about and jfhsdghfgdfshgf

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financiallymint · 6 years

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Why They Don’t Teach us About Money in School

The reason I created this website in the first place was because of this: lack of financial education in school.

It made me angry and frustrated that governments simply don’t believe it’s an essential part of our education. Ever since I took notice of this huge lack of education, I’ve been thinking and writing a lot on the topic – but I’ve never had a proper sit down and thought about the why. Why have governments so royally messed up on this one? So I did a bit of research and asked a few questions – and I think I have a few answers.

Times have changed

This is how it worked before: study hard, get good grades and get a high paying job. Once you get the job, stay with the company for 40 years and in exchange they’ll pay you a pension with benefits and rewards.

It’s all very fancy and dandy but times have indeed changed. In the past 50 years the pension system, the tax system and the legal system have evolved and changed drastically. Now, you’re responsible for your own retirement and you’re the one who has to make sure you’ll have enough money at 70. So yay, government has decided to give us a bit more of space and independence (I’d say that’s a good thing). But there’s just one issue – we have no idea how.

Schools are still teaching us the whole get good grades and a high paying job deal – but the truth is, that’s not enough anymore. Now, people are job-hopping, the economy has had a few crashes and there’s a lot of robots about. If you want benefits, a secure retirement and something stable, a job isn’t the answer. Financial education is. And schools haven’t caught up yet.

Teachers don’t know

Working on from the last point, teachers are older than the students (normally). Since they’ve been taught through the old education system, they too have no idea about personal finance, and therefore don’t feel capable of teaching it themselves. As you see, it’s a vicious circle.

Governments and financial entities have to step in and offer education to the teachers before it can follow on to the students.

Teachers are also under a lot of pressure to get the students passing exams and getting good grades. This means they prioritize other subjects such as maths and chemistry, leaving personal finance forgotten next to sex ed.

Not only that, but personal finance is that: personal. If the teacher’s financial situation is a mess, they’re unlikely to know how to teach it to students.

So you see how it is – not only do the governments have to educate teachers on personal finance, but they also have to help them improve their own financial situation. This means fixing previous mistakes, encouraging self-education and self-improvement. Financial education starts with the individual, and will governments be bothered to help the individual teachers? Considering the current low pay and pension cuts, I think we have quite some way to go.

Parents don’t know

We learn a lot from our parents – habits, politeness, cooking, etc. Another big thing we learn from them: money. If parents take time to teach their children the important aspects of money and some good financial habits, the child will grow up with the essentials of financial education. But if the parents have no idea about finance… surprise surprise, neither will the kids.

This is especially true if the parents have bad financial habits: constantly in debt, making bad decisions, complaining about the lack of money. All this influences the child and will lead to future financial ignorance as well as bad money habits.

So once again, governments would have to step in and help the individual parents sort out their own finances before they could start relying on them to bring up financially aware kids.

No one knows where to start

From what it seems, no one really knows where to start. No matter how many times we shout ‘we don’t know what are taxes! Or mortgages! Or venture capitalism!’, the system will still be like ‘but what do we teach them?’.

Ok so maybe I’m being a bit mean – the British government did in fact add personal finance into the education curriculum in 2014. It’s now compulsory for schools to teach it in their maths and citizenship classes But guess what? Nothing has changed.

Why is that? Because the curriculum and teaching methods are lacking. And we shouldn’t be surprised: half of students dislike maths, reading, history, economy, etc. Simply because the education system is antiquated and we’re still teaching with boring theory books, memorisation techniques and lectures. But that’s another rant I won’t go on; the simple fact is that students aren’t being taught well in any subject, which is why personal finance isn’t any different.

Experts think people aren’t interested

Ewww.. finance? Is that some kind of disease?

Experts seem to think that the general population isn’t interested in learning the basics of money.

I have to say I disagree. I bet if you went into a classroom and shouted ‘Who wants to be rich?’ everyone would raise their hands. Once again, it’s about using effective teaching methods and making the topic interesting: activities, real life experiments, interactive games, etc.

In college, we get our first proper taste of money. More freedom, less supervision from parents, etc. Because of that, students go all out with their money: ‘let’s all see who can spend their student loan money the fastest’ (we’ve all done it). Honestly, it’s fine: college is there to experiment, to try out the weird stuff and allow the crazy to flow. If you get kicked out of your accommodation well that’s on you – better now than at 30 with a family.

Students want to go crazy with their money simply because they think budgeting is boring, saving means more restrictions and investing is only for the rich. But the thing is that financial education isn’t just about that – it’s about being aware, being in control of what happens and knowing what to do. Want to waste half your student loans on cheap alcohol? Go ahead, just make sure that you’re aware and know how to deal with all the problems that come next.

What I’m trying to say is that people are interested in managing their money and being financially stable – we’re just living in a culture that doesn’t teach us how to.

Consumerism

A slightly darker reason for the lack of financial education: it’s easier for others to steal your money.

Ignorance is bliss? Yes, but not when you’re money is slowly disappearing into the pockets of others. Banks, companies, media corporations, governments – they make more money when you don’t know what to do with your finances. The more debt you accumulate on a credit cardthe more you’ll have to pay back to the company. The more adverts out there convincing you to buy a new car the more money you’ll spend on something you should be buying second hand.

It’s scary and it’s sad, but I think we can all agree that it’s true.

It’s also the reason why people are scared of money and believe that it’s ‘evil’. All the financial jargon makes it hard to understand what really is going on. All we are taught is that we need money for food and for a roof over their heads, so we cling onto something secure, something stable: a job. And many times, it’s a job we dislike, or even worse – we tolerate. This common occurrence is called the rat race and it’s what a large part of our society is based on. A discussion for another time.

just look at that APR

It’s not all bad news:

I may have painted a pretty negative picture of our governments and society as a whole. Although there is a lot of work to be done on financial education, I’m happy to say quite a few organisations and charities have been campaigning for financial education for years.

Here are a few of them:

CAP (Christians Against Poverty): This British charity is all about counseling people out of debt and helping them back on their feet.

Young-Money: An organisation with resources on helping children understand money. They create programmes for schools to teach personal finance to kids.

MyBnk: Another cool organisation creating programmes and workshops to help young children learn about budgeting, saving, loans, etc.

The Money Charity: Very awesome charity that works on products and services teaching finance in schools – they also talk to policymakers and try to change the laws.

There’s a lot going on in other parts of the world. I see more and more personal finance blogs in America taking on financial education and talking about curriculums and the different steps to take. There’s work to do, but at least we’re getting started.

What we can do about it

It’s true that a lot of it lies in the hands of the government and the education system. They need to work not only on implementing an efficient personal finance class in the curriculum, but they also need to focus on the individuals: the teachers and the parents. And that’s not always easy.

As a member of society, we can also help out. You don’t need to go all out and create a blog (#me), but I think one great way to increase awareness is to simply talk more about money with friends, family and strangers. Money is still a taboo topic, and asking someone how much they make is like asking them how their sex life is doing – it simply gets awkward. So let’s make it less awkward: talk to your friends about your current money problems, ask them how they’re dealing with theirs and try to find a solution together. What you’ll learn will be with you for life.

Read more like this over at Financially Mint

#financialeducation #financiallymint #financial diy mentality #success #money management #moneytips

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arcticdementor · 3 years

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So the NYT newsletter lineup has been unveiled. I suppose the expectation is that I would make fun of this but I’m not moved to do so. Whatever else its problems, and I’m about to lay them out here, the Times does not suffer from a talent deficit. I don’t know what this is all going to look like in practice, or what the financial inducements are for the writers. But I’ll read several of these with interest and I’m excited to see what comes from the experiment. Let writers write. I imagine the Times has some extremely complicated and arbitrary rules about original reporting appearing in these newsletters; I’m told there are a lot of turf issues over there on 8th Avenue. But that’s not my concern. I’m in favor of giving people freer rein to explore their interests in writing, and from my vantage it seems like this setup could result in a lot of cool stuff. I for sure will read Jane Coaston and Jay Kang. I for sure will not read Frank Bruni. For the rest, we shall see.

Of course, what none of these people will do is what no one at the Times can do: publish things that upset the subscriber base. And it’s precisely the willingness to do so that has powered the financial success of newsletters like this one.

If you’re new around here, the basic scenario is that we’ve had a years-long moral panic in which elite white tastemakers adopted the political posture of radical Black academics out of purely competitive social impulses, trying on a ready-made political eschatology that blames the worlds ills on whiteness and men and yet somehow leaves space for an army of good white people and good men to cluck their tongue about it all. Concurrently, the most influential paper in the world emerged from decades of fiscal instability by going hard on digital subscriptions, paywalling more and more of its content and rattling its tin cup more loudly than ever before. The result has been boom times, attenuated only by the end of the immensely lucrative Trump years. (I believe Chris Hayes is covering Trump’s latest spray tan tonight.) The trouble is that this model leaves them even more dependent on a particular social and political caste, namely the educated white professional class that graduates from top 25 universities, moves to Echo Park or Andersonville or Austin, then sends Zane and Daschel to pre-K that costs more than their Audi. Oh and they, like, care about justice and stuff. Conservatives hate read the NYT and thus have traditionally brought in advertising revenue, but they don’t hate subscribe, and the end result is that a paper that was about a 6.5 on a ten-point Liberal Elite Scale when I was a kid has moved to a 9.5. And there’s nothing internal to the publication that can stop this leftward march.

This will invite reprisals for speaking out of turn, but all of the following comes from public knowledge, other people’s reporting, what former and current employees have said, and a little bit of gossip. The social and professional culture within The New York Times is notoriously toxic, the confluence of people with immense career ambitions and total shamelessness about using social justice rhetoric to attack their enemies; watercooler shit-talking and mean-girling has moved to Slack, where it’s somehow even worse than it was before; all of the younger staffers see their jobs as straightforwardly activist positions, and the role of the paper to advance a pro-Democrat social justice ideology rather than to report objectively or to present a range of viewpoints; executive editor Dean Baquet is afraid of his own employees; the Sulzbergers don’t want to have uncomfortable conversations with their fellow white liberal elites at the food co-op or whatever; and in general absolutely every internal incentive within the paper points towards uncritically advancing a Robin Diangelo-approved race and gender ideology, a class-never, deferential-to-woke-norms soggy social justice politics that says nothing remotely challenging to said staffer cliques or the Hermosa Beach soccer moms who now fund the paper. When Bari Weiss resigned the media Borg represented it as all about Weiss, but her story was really about the kind of perspective that can’t exist anymore at The New York Times. I’m sure the blob would deny this stuff, but again none of these are well-kept secrets. If Ben Smith was not paid by the New York Times he would have reported this out long ago.

…

You can talk about Bari Weiss, you can talk about the Cotton brouhaha, you can discuss the inherent and ugly incentives of the subscription model for the paper. But the Donald McNeil firing is truly the bellwether. A reporter with 45 years of NYT experience on an absolutely essential beat said something clueless but utterly anodyne to some spoiled adolescents on a trip that 99% of people their age can’t access. Despite the fact that what he said would have been totally unremarkable even in liberal circles five years ago, the situation caught the staff’s attention and its ire and they vented that ire with the typical absurdist claim that McNeil had put them “in danger” in some incredibly vague way. (On Twitter, of course). So McNeil was duly dispatched, and the basic power dynamic of the modern day New York Times was laid bare: a handful of the paper’s untouchable celebrities can kick up the junior staff into a frenzy, and once that catches fire on Twitter, there is no one in the paper’s leadership who has the honesty and integrity to tell them no. No one. (The NYT’s self-exonerating reaction to McNeil’s defense is quietly hilarious.) The simple fact of the matter is that Baquet has not demonstrated anything like the public courage it would take to face down a Twitter storm prompted by Nikole Hannah-Jones et al., and there’s no reason to think that that’s going to change anytime soon. The media types would reject all of this, if anyone at a big-shot publication had the integrity to write a story about these open secrets. But I’m not lying.

What annoys me about resistance to this narrative, from within the NYT or the media writ large, is that sometimes they admit that the point now is to advance social justice, which is to say to support a specific ideological project associated with one party. Wesley Lowery’s “moral clarity” piece remains a remarkably frank confession on the part of the Times that they have accepted what’s been obvious for a long time, that even they don’t believe in their own vestigial gestures towards evenhandedness anymore, that it’s all a naked pretense to please the last lingering greyhairs involved with the organization and that in due time they’ll be no less explicitly Democrat-aligned than DailyKos. (I think of David Brooks and Tom Friedman at the Times like children whose parents have handed them Xbox controllers that aren’t plugged in.) Watching the establishment media accept the fundamental claim of Lowery’s piece, that elite journalists possess such enormous moral wisdom that they have transcended the notions of subjectivity and embedded perspective, has been pretty wild, for the inconsistency if nothing else. They step from “of course the MSM hasn’t adopted full-throated social liberalism en masse, that’s absurd” to “yes we’re telling the truth now and that’s good and righteous” as rhetorically convenient.

…

In the broader perspective, what incentives are left for careers in media? The fast-then-slow-then-fast internet-enabled collapse of the industry’s financial foundations appears to be experiencing another fast phase. Everybody in the industry is aware that there’s some 22-year-old in the wings who will do what they’re doing for half price. (Those 22-year-olds are rich enough or stupid enough not to care that they will in short order be the one getting undercut themselves.) Covid killed whatever lingering cool NYC media social scene remained. Perceptions of prestige are subjective, but by my lights the indignities of the click-chasing era and pathetic Trump-humping of the past five years have erased whatever lingering prestige was left in writing for, say, The Washington Post. Along with The New Yorker, writing for the Times is one of the last privileges in the business that really walks the dog in the impress-your-normie-uncle sense - and, more importantly, provides clear benefits in the ancillary fields where affluent writers actually make their money. To get to that stage, you have to be liked by the right people. Every industry is influenced by petty popularity, but it’s particularly acute in the news business, and now bullshit me-first social justice complaints have been weaponized to enforce that popularity hierarchy.

This all leaves us in a place that’s utterly inhospitable to the noblest urge in any profession, which is to tell the profession and its gurus to go fuck themselves.

…

The only thing I can do, at this point, is appeal to the integrity of the individuals within that world. They aren’t bad people, most of them, they’re just afraid, financially precarious and terrified of being called racist in an industry which has busily drained professional success of any prerequisite other than popularity with one’s peers. You can understand a lot about media culture by understanding that most of the people within it feel like they’re barely hanging on. Well, let me put it to you all privately, here in this space away from Twitter and away from Slack, where it’s just you and me: was this really what you wanted to do, when you set out to make this your profession? To tell Bradley Whitford’s character from Get Out that he’s right about everything? To nod along with a conventional wisdom that you’re too scared to step outside of? I doubt that’s what you once dreamed of doing. The most valuable thing you can do with a prominent place in media, right now, is to point out how sick the whole business is. It’s only integrity when it hurts, guys. Something you write is only brave when it pisses off all your friends and colleagues. Why on earth did you get into journalism, instead of becoming an actuary, if not because you wanted to say the things your profession and your peers and your culture absolutely do not want you to say?

#freddie deboer #substack #new york times #journalism in action

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tak4hir0 · 3 years

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Karishma Lalwani is a Senior Director of Project Management here at Salesforce. Today I’m talking with her all about scalable architecture. In our conversation, we discuss what scalable architecture means on an enterprise level and some takeaways for developers. Karishma was also once known as the “queen of encryption,” a title her former coworkers gave her as a result of her work on a pilot product for platform encryption. Karishma has a long history helping customers be successful at scale and advocating for them internally, tune in to hear from her wealth of knowledge and experience. Show Highlights: What the frontier scale team does. What elastic infrastructure is and how it helps meet demand. What connected platforms are. How the “always on” model works. Best practices for developers working with SOQL. What not to do as a developer working with a 10 record query and why. Why row locking and sharing are problematic. What developers need to know about “bulkifying” code. What big objects are and how developers can use them to scale. What Vaccine Cloud is and the challenges it presented to architecture. All about Karishma’s upcoming podcast. Links: Karishma on Twitter: https://twitter.com/karishmalalwani Karishma on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/karishmalalwani/ Episode Transcript Karishma Lalwani: Very, very unique back then, Cloud computing. We’re able to talk about technical architecture. Since it was CRM-based as well, and Siebel was all CRM, it made complete logical sense. Josh Birk: That is Karishma Lalwani, a senior director of product management here at Salesforce. I’m Josh Birk, your host with the Salesforce Developer Podcast. Here on the podcast, you’ll hear stories and insights from developers, for developers. Today, we sit down with Karishma and talks about scalable architecture. Josh Birk: What does that mean on an enterprise level and what are some takeaways for developers? We start, as we often do with her early years here at Salesforce, and how she got a certain title. Karishma Lalwani: As an architect. I pretty much got all my certifications and ramped up on the technology within the first six months, I would say. Back then, before being billable on a customer, obviously you need to know the platform. We do a pretty good job of getting the architects trained and surely got into a lot of projects very quickly. Karishma Lalwani: I would say two years ago, I transitioned from being an architect to being a PM on the other side of Salesforce. It’s been an interesting eight-year journey so far. Josh Birk: Now, before we talked about your current job, tell me why your former colleagues call you the queen of encryption? Karishma Lalwani: I hope they still remember me. The thing was, this was again in 2014, we were rolling out this new pilot product for platform encryption. I spent a lot of time back then with the product team to make sure that the product is enterprise-ready. I used to be deployed in these large complex enterprise customers, their needs were super critical, super important. Karishma Lalwani: If we were able to prove that the product works for one big financial services customer, surely we can have a path from pilot to GA. I almost spent two years, I would say, with [inaudible 00:02:30] who was the PM back then, and almost like co-creating getting feedback, real feedback from my customer, and getting the product enterprise-ready. Karishma Lalwani: As part of that, then when you start getting that deep into some technology, you automatically start answering a lot of community questions. The word spreads around in terms of, “This person is the subject matter expert in this area.” That’s how the whole queen of encryption data came to be. Josh Birk: I love it. Let’s talk about that a little bit, because it sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience with architecture, and just big scale thing. You said you just got into project management, but obviously you’re still very centered on architecture. Tell me about your current role in about frontier scale team. Karishma Lalwani: Frontier scale is a very unique team in our product organization. Essentially, we are a team that works with these largest enterprise customers. Some of them who are doing things at a massive scale that we have never seen before. Karishma Lalwani: The intention of the team was, “Let’s see who are these customers who are really, really stretching our platform and breaking all barriers when it comes to performance and scale and let’s see, what would it take to make them successful?” As part of my job, it’s a dual motivation. One is customer success. Karishma Lalwani: Make sure that the customer actually can deploy very complex business processes on our platform. The second part is product success, which is, bring back these use cases from these real enterprise customers back to the product team. Be that voice of the customer. Really drive enhancements when it comes to what would it take for a product to scale at that level. Josh Birk: There’s a little bit of outreach and trying to keep the customer safe, but then there’s also when our bad, you come back to Salesforce and try to get that fixed? Karishma Lalwani: Exactly. We are working with these one-off Snowflake use cases, you learn a lot. You’re probably the first one doing something, you get some patterns, you get anti-patterns. You get product enhancement requests, that in turn drives our product to a much more large scale enterprise readiness as well. Karishma Lalwani: I work with almost, I would say, 10 to 12 PMs within our product organization. Really getting deeper into the technology stack in core. Understanding where that ceiling is and what can we do to raise that ceiling even further, so that these customers are ready. Josh Birk: Well, let’s talk a little bit more about that specifically about kind of the core and the architecture around the core. You’ve described elastic infrastructure connected platforms and always-on experience as something vital to the success of that. Let’s walk through a little bit. Starting the first one, what is elastic infrastructure? How does that help meet demand? Karishma Lalwani: When it comes to elastic infrastructure, our enterprise customers have ever-growing needs. Sometimes, we can predict what situations they would end up in. Customers who are doing global expansions, so they’re not just one country, but multi-country implementations. They’re launching new products. Karishma Lalwani: It could be a merger and acquisition scenario, where there is a big company trying to merge with another big company. What scale challenge would that intake? When it comes to these growing need for this auto scale, adding on-demand capacity, this is something that is a very, very common use case that we’ve started seeing. It’s also to do with seasonality of it. Karishma Lalwani: Let’s say, we have a customer who is already a customer, and they have events like Black Friday. You have Intuit, who’s doing the tax season. Those customers have elastic infrastructure needs, only for a shorter time period. How do you architect for those key seasonality events. Even generically speaking, when you’re trying to look at a merger situation, what would it take for you to scale? Karishma Lalwani: Those are some of the use cases that I have spent a lot of time researching, investing, and coming up with the right strategies of how customers should think about it early on, so that they don’t have to face any scalability challenges once they go into production. Josh Birk: Got it. What are the working parts of a connected? Karishma Lalwani: Connected platform, a couple of things, again, when it comes to these enterprise customers, you’re not dealing with one system, you’re dealing with multiple systems. As well as you’re dealing with multiple ways the customers use their system. It could be today, the world is so connected. Karishma Lalwani: We have different devices. We have different ways to reach a customer. If I were to put myself as a customer with having, let’s say, a cell phone. I’m facing some issue, or even let me start early on, but I’m just trying to figure out what network should I go with? I possibly start at a website where I’m just browsing different competitor websites. Karishma Lalwani: I’m trying to see who is giving me a better rate. That in itself could generate a lead for that specific company to say, “There’s this person who’s trying to look at your pricing and packaging. Why don’t you do an outreach?” Sure enough, nowadays, you will find that even if they get certain pieces of information from you, you will be contacted. Karishma Lalwani: You will be asked what your needs are. Then, it means that your profile is now part of that system. You started the website. You get a call from the company. You make a sale, let’s say, over the phone. Then, you get an email saying, “Hello, customer. Welcome to so-and-so network.” Karishma Lalwani: That is what I mean by connected platforms. Behind the scenes, there are these huge engines. One is a completely different marketing and advertising platform, which is connected to customers sales technologies, which could be a Sales Cloud implementation, which is connected to then service in case I have an issue. How do all of these talk together? Josh Birk: The similarities I’m hearing is freaking me out a little bit because it’s like, I’m hearing the interview ahead with Andrew Lawrence, where he was talking about how do you survive the holiday season on commerce Cloud. Then I think his phrase was something along the line of the new storefront is your phone. Josh Birk: People aren’t even going necessarily to their desktop browsers to purchase things anymore. They’re just doing it in their hands. I think those trends are really interesting. I also have a call back to Abraham David Lloyd talking about the digital persona for a B2C architecture. Josh Birk: How do you set all that kind of stuff? I love all of that. Tell me a little bit more about being always-on, when it comes to an enterprise platform. Karishma Lalwani: Always-on is something to do with mission-critical apps. Let’s say there’s a 24/7 call center around. We want to be able to predict any outages in advance and prevent that. Our customer demands are definitely shifting to this always-on model, which is basically deploying these business critical and mission-critical apps, when it comes to customer service. Karishma Lalwani: Let’s say, if there is like an insurance company, whose built their business model on Salesforce. Let’s say there is a hurricane that comes in south Florida. Suddenly you have a need for people, and there’s an influx of claims that is coming on to Salesforce. What if I’m there and I’m looking at my house and I need help. Karishma Lalwani: I need my company to be able to help me. That is the mindset of having an always-on infrastructure. Imagine if at that point you were going to this app and the said, “Sorry, we are on a six-hour maintenance window. Please file a claim on 12:00 PM,” something like that. What the customer experience looks like in that case? Karishma Lalwani: Same thing with government and federal customers. Many times we have, let’s say, the situation right now. Suddenly, we are dealing with vaccinations and there are state laws that change every hour. What if California decides to increase the eligibility? Now it’s always-on people just want to go and get their appointments. Karishma Lalwani: How do you manage that sudden surge in the system, that you anticipate sudden scale? How do you make sure that your system is able to support that experience? Josh Birk: There is some of the broad challenges, especially for us, as a Cloud company. Let’s flip the perspective around a little bit and talk about the little guy or person, not to gentrify. The developer in the chair who is going to be working on some of the stuff. Josh Birk: I’m a developer I’m dealing with a large, complicated data structure. What should I be thinking about in order to keep that SOQL performance? What are some best practices there? Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. If we’re talking at a very, very beginning of the implementation cycle, what are some of the things that you need to take care? If I’m a developer, having the performance and scale mindset early on is very critical. Oftentimes, what happens is we would write a SOQL query example to meet the needs of let’s say, 100 records. Karishma Lalwani: We don’t know what that same query would do if you inject one billion records. If I’m a developer, my sandbox that I play with is pretty small. I don’t have the ability to even generate one billion records and even test at one billion records. How do I know that it’s never going to work? Karishma Lalwani: Also, when you are in that mode, you’re often your priorities, “I need to deliver this and I need to deliver this fast because I need to meet a certain deadline.” Then, how do we think about scale early on is very critical. To those people, I would say there are tools that are available today. You have a way to find out what your query path is going to be. Karishma Lalwani: You have a way to find out what the cost of the query is going to be. There’s very little importance at that point when you’re doing a unit test that you would pay attention to, but those things are extremely critical when you think about what would it do to the scalability of your application? Josh Birk: I’ll keep it short because I know I’ve given this cautionary tale on the podcast before. I think back to a customer who shall not be named, who we started designing, knowing it was going to, because there was three databases involved, or something like that. We knew even from a Salesforce point of view, that once we got to that data, there was going to be a lot of it. Josh Birk: At some point during the development, I’m like, “Please give me something that is like your production data.” They gave me something with 500 rows. I went back to them like, “There’s no way we’re dealing with, give me something that looks like your production data.” They gave me something to add 5,000 rows. I’m like, “Okay, whatever.” Josh Birk: Then, we try to launch and the actual row account was more half a million. Performance was suffered a little bit. Actually, let me ask you a question I asked Neil, putting it into data terms. When you say big, when you say, what is a big data set in your head? Karishma Lalwani: It’s very subjective. There are different ways people look at it. For me, it’s not how much of data do you have resident in Salesforce. You can have up to a half a billion records in Salesforce, in your accounts, in your contacts. That’s all okay. It’s what you do with that data, how you use it that becomes more critical. Karishma Lalwani: Just 500 million records in an account object sitting there doing nothing does no damage to anybody whatsoever. Let’s say now you build a SOQL that’s trying to get all the account records with first name John. That is a big problem. That’s why I said it’s subjective. It’s not to do with how much data is big. Even with 10 records, if you have a crappy query, guess what? It’s not going to scale. Josh Birk: Let me actually ask you on that a little bit. What’s something, maybe a newbie developer’s going to do wrong on a SOQL that could make a temporary records, a query, not be as fast as it should be? Karishma Lalwani: Not having any filter criteria as part of your work class. Josh Birk: For those people who aren’t familiar necessarily with the niceties of database design, why is that? Karishma Lalwani: That is because that would end up doing a full table scan, and you don’t know what the dependencies are. How your relationships are mapped? If you’re trying to query a child record and you have a dependent field, then that will do a multiple level, adds the multiple complexity into that relationship as well. Karishma Lalwani: When it comes to data profile, it’s very important to know, not just what you’re doing for that specific object, but how other relationships built around that as well. Selectivity of the query is extremely important, not just selectivity, pure database concepts anywhere, not just Salesforce. Make sure you’re using index fields. We all learn that. Karishma Lalwani: Make sure you are able to find the rugged as fast as you can and as correctly as you can. The number of criteria is that you add, number of conditions. Make it as specific as possible would be the first goal. Josh Birk: Now, I think a lot of developers and I’m going to include myself in this because I have definitely found guilty of the play around a bunch of the developer edition. Then, try to move something into a Sandbox production, and realize that there are strange scenarios that come up. Josh Birk: I have run into this, but I don’t know if a lot of developers consider things like row locking and sharing. How do those come into play? When can they become problematic? Karishma Lalwani: That’s a very good question. I would tell you, 90% of the customers that we work with, where they say, “Oh my God, our data is not loading or it’s loading very slow.” Row lock is the number one problem. Josh Birk: Yeah. Doesn’t surprise me. Karishma Lalwani: That goes back to your data profile. What are you trying to do with the data? If it comes through row locks, obviously the very first thing that we recommend is if you’re trying to do a massive data load, just sought the records by the parent ID. If there are different records trying to lock the same parent, guess what? It’s going to take time. Karishma Lalwani: Simple techniques that we have to maximize the paternalism and the load timings that customers can take care of, so that the parent child is not being the problem for the row lock. Again, coming to sequencing of the data, what are your child entities? How are they referencing the ownership ID, or the parent ID? Karishma Lalwani: Which records do you need to load first, which is referenced data versus which is not? Those kinds of things that are very easy to think about and to actually get it in place before you even approach loading of data in Salesforce. Then, what was the second thing? I’m trying to recall. You said row lock and one more? Josh Birk: Sharing. Karishma Lalwani: Sharing. That’s a second favorite. This is something that’s extremely unique to a platform. Me personally, when I started on Salesforce, this is one of the topics that I had to really, really understand a lot more. Anything that you do when it comes to sharing, I’ve worked with big banks where as part of their business use case, they have quarterly account adjustments, which leads to massive role hierarchy changes. Karishma Lalwani: It could be as simple as your sales organization undergoes a restructuring every quarter. You do different territory mappings, or even as simple as your employees or your bankers change from one branch to another. Oftentimes, we see that customers map all of that as a role hierarchy set up in Salesforce. Karishma Lalwani: Now, when it comes to massive recalculations like that, guess what? If you do it all at once, and if you have not tested it, chances are users are not going to use your system all weekend. I have been in those calls. In fact, funny story, I had once an architect leader in the customer side. He said, “You run that means it’s going to take 16 hours.” Karishma Lalwani: I said, “No, what I told you was, please test it in a full copy Sandbox.” Simple things like these, always test. Don’t make production your testing ground. Sharing is so unique. Simple strategies for that would be just deferring sharing calculations where it makes sense. Again, you do your adjustments first and the sharing recalculation happens later, asynchronously. Josh Birk: Just to clarify, when you say all weekend, you were not exaggerating there. Karishma Lalwani: I was not, if there is one thing you should test is it has to be any massive sharing changes that you make to your object model. Josh Birk: I’m trying to think of how to frame this question. What does this look like from an APEX point of view? I think every developer has probably heard like bulk applied by code, but what have you seen that’s maybe I, as a developer thought I bulk applied by code, but I didn’t think of XYZ. What would you tell developers to know about [inaudible 00:23:17], I’m going to try another verb. Karishma Lalwani: It starts with even the trigger structure. It’s not just bulkification. Yes, bulk applied by code is the number one thing that we asked to do. It’s just to make it more efficient. Let’s say you have designed a business process that is doing something on the opportunity object and you have bulkified your opportunity trigger doing sold records. Karishma Lalwani: You’d think as a developer, you’re the smartest developer and good job. Then, there is another admin who’s created a workflow on opportunity, and that does some updates too. There is a flow that is built by a new person on the team who’s again, using opportunity as the object. Now, what happens to [inaudible 00:24:12]? Karishma Lalwani: You might have written the best code for a given situation, but have you taken a step back and look broader to see what are the other process automation technologies that you have that Salesforce provides, that someone else would have used? There was this customer that, I would say 2,500 lines of code on one object. Karishma Lalwani: Given the requirement, the developer was very quick to solve it and write four more lines, add five more lines. It took a simple review to show the person, what you’re trying to do is already done on line 75, so you might want to just use that variable. Josh Birk: When you said that number of codes, we’re on a podcast so people can’t see how much I actually shivered. Karishma Lalwani: How do you manage the technical data? You have been building for years and years, but are you really doing housekeeping, simple housekeeping items that lead to APEX challenges. Josh Birk: The lean is to always be additive. Over time, that’s going to just potentially cause more problems. Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. Then, we have some other great technologies when it comes to just from a skill standpoint, not going to the database for everything. Reuse what do you have already queried in your code. Reuse whatever you’re extracting, or even use Platform Cache. It’s there, it’s a product. Josh Birk: I think I’m paraphrasing Neil here when he said something like the best database query you could write is the ones you don’t have to write at all. Karishma Lalwani: Exactly. Josh Birk: Well, let’s talk about one of those similar products. I’m going to confess. I have never used Big Objects, what are they and how can developers use them to scale? Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. I would tell you what use cases I have seen people use it successfully. Think of data that you’re not really using on a daily basis, but you still have some compliance or regulatory requirements that the data needs to reside in Salesforce. Things like closed investigations or cases, or accounts that have been terminated, but you need to have a view into them. Karishma Lalwani: Records that probably are better suited to have a unified view. I want to see in the last five years, how many cases have been raised for a customer. You don’t have to necessarily have all of those records in active storage. Your compliance group might come back and say, “I just need to see two years worth of data, but I still need you to hold five years for any queries or inquiries that come from a legal standpoint.” Karishma Lalwani: Then that kind of a situation where you do archiving strategy or data tiering, where you have some of it in active storage, in your regular customer and standard objects. Then, you define a criteria where you push everything else to Big Objects. At the same time, you have everything in Salesforce, so guess what? You can build one view to view all of it together. Josh Birk: See, I love all of that because I feel like it comes full circle, because I assume by pulling them into that, you’re also pulling it out of the lake of data. It can’t be a target of my bad SOQL query to begin with. Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. Also, you’re not doing a lot of data sinking. The number one problem, not problem, use case is people want to bring data into Salesforce all the time. Then, they want to delete data from Salesforce all the time. I’m like, “What is your strategy? What are you trying to do? Why bring it if you want to put it back in your backend? Why don’t you just keep it there and use something like a Salesforce Connect to view it?” Josh Birk: Well, that’s how I feel like that deserves a shout out to external objects, which can set aside the Big Object strategy. Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. I can’t tell you how many number of times I’ve had these conversations where customers are like, “We need to bring everything.” Why? “Oh, no, because we don’t want to go back and forth.” You’re bringing it, but are you going to use it? Josh Birk: Exactly. I think my most common question to all of my, well, the vast majority of people I consulted with was, do you really need that? I know you think you need that, but do you really need that. Can I talk you into a better car kind of thing? Josh Birk: Let’s talk about some real world examples. I know there’s some specifics we probably can’t get into, but tell me a little bit about the Vaccine Cloud and how it presented some unique challenges when it came to architecture? Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. That is one of my favorite case studies, because your solution where you’re trying to do something to millions of people. You know that it’s to be a situation where you are going to face maximum concurrency. Everybody wants it and wants it now, and you can’t deny service to anybody. Karishma Lalwani: How do you architect that? Some of the principles for that specific piece, again, it comes to a lot to do with how do you cash entities? How do you manage the flow where you’re bringing in people from an experience standpoint, you’re bringing them in. You’re trying to get some basic information upfront, which needs to be more synchronous. Karishma Lalwani: Then, you have a lot of other things that can be done asynchronous, that way you’re reducing the shortened synchronous activity time, which is holding the database. How do you think about architecture patterns, where you’re almost like taking the bare minimum, what are the five things I need to know from you to give you an appointment? Karishma Lalwani: Now that I know, how do I get an appointment? Now, that you have an appointment? What are the things that I need to do after you have booked it? Sending you an email confirmation or text confirmation. How do you decouple those transactions? Karishma Lalwani: Not from a experience standpoint, from a user standpoint, it still looks one single flow, but from an architecture principle standpoint, how do you do it in a way that you don’t end up choking the system? Josh Birk: What’s your favorite lesson learned from it? Karishma Lalwani: Test. Josh Birk: I’m sensing a theme by the way. Karishma Lalwani: Yes. Scale test is my favorite word. Not because I’m part of the scale team, but I’ve seen customers who, yes, followed the test, when production [crosstalk 00:31:41] Josh Birk: Boom. Karishma Lalwani: Did okay, I would say. Let’s say two weeks later, they wanted to add a new enhancement, conveniently bypass testing, just because you told me to do it the first time, not the second time, and that’s led to an outage. Josh Birk: Got it. Design for scale, developer scale, test for scale. Maybe not even in that order, but always do those things, at least. Karishma Lalwani: Absolutely. Performance and scale, that should not be an afterthought. It needs to be handled as part of your design principle. Josh Birk: Now, you also having a project with the wonderful Kelly Walker, a podcast named Designing Architecture on the Customer 360 Platform for Salesforce architects. Tell me a little bit more about that. Karishma Lalwani: We are coming up six mini episode podcast where we are going to go into different topics. All ranging around, what would it take for customer architects to design and build on Salesforce platform? We would be talking about things like integration strategies. Karishma Lalwani: Including things like platform events, change data capture. Anything that comes to mind from an integration standpoint, we’ll have a full episode dedicated to that. We will also be talking about topics like security. What does data security mean to you? What do we do in terms of auditing? Karishma Lalwani: How do you protect the data in Cloud and also some exciting new stuff, Hyperforce. Getting into the technical architecture discussions of what is Hyperforce? What are the use cases? What are the strategies? How do you go about designing and building on a Hyperforce? Karishma Lalwani: It’s going to be a lot of different things, I would say. I’m going to talk to the product managers, who owned that area to hear it straight from them, and just have a little conversation about what they think, and we should be doing. Also, we are going to source a lot of the questions from the community. Karishma Lalwani: Any architects out there, look out for some posts coming up where we will be asking you, what is it that you would like to hear on these topics? Josh Birk: That’s our show, that podcast Karishma is talking about is coming soon scheduled to come out in August. Keep your ears open for that and keep your eyes out on our social for more information. Now, I did ask after Karishma’s favorite non-technical hobby. Karishma Lalwani: Non-technical hobby? I discovered it just during the lockdown. I think a lot of us probably found new hobbies. Josh Birk: That has come up a lot on the show. It’s true. Karishma Lalwani: I got into writing. I didn’t know how much I like journaling. I used to think I’m just good at putting my thoughts together, but then I started writing some poetry. Then, I started rhyming and then I was like, “Oh, this is something that I can belong to.” Whenever I have some free time, I just go back to my little scratch pad and start writing. Josh Birk: I want to thank Karishma for the great conversation and information. As always, I want to thank you for listening. Now, if you want to learn more about the show, head on over developer.salesforce.com/podcast, where you can hear old episodes. See the show notes and have links to your favorite podcast service. Thanks again, everybody. I’ll talk to you next week.

#Salesforce Developers Blog

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shafferangelina95 · 4 years

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Does Anyone Save Themselves For Marriage Anymore Fascinating Cool Ideas

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Best Ways To Prevent Divorce

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#Does Anyone Save Themselves For Marriage Anymore Fascinating Cool Ideas #Save Marriage Helper

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