#we had drifted apart and i wasnt there and she couldve died and I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye

[trashpremium-moved]

how do y'all deal with the soul-crushing guilt of existing

#i feel so much guilt and shame all the time. just for being alive. #it goes away sometimes if i'm distracted enough. I'm so easy to distract that I'll forget about the emptiness and actually be happy #but then the moment i have a second to think. the emptiness comes back and I feel so fucking guilty for being happy in the first place #and then i feel guilty for being sad. because I can't be sad. I'm not allowed to be sad. im supposed to be the one that helps everyone else #and i cant talk to anyone about it because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to be responsible for them being sad #a friend of mine recently told me that they tried to commit a few months ago. and I feel so fucking guilty about it because I wasn't there #we had drifted apart and i wasnt there and she couldve died and I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye #i still think of her as my best friend. and Im so tired because im so alone and the things that make me happy just. don't anymore #the things that used to keep me alive now just make me feel so fucking empty. because I feel guilty for enjoying them. i know i'm annoying #i know that i talk too much. but I feel like if I enjoy anything im going to push away every single person that I like spending time with #because i know im only there to be a support friend. a background npc in everyone elses stories. and I accepted that years ago #but it still fucking hurts knowing that im never going to have anyone to talk to #and i feel so guilty for that even because what if im fucking crazy and a manipulative piece of shit and i dont deserve to have friends #theres no point in me existing at this point but the guilt keeps me alive. i dont want to be a problem by killing myself #i just want an excuse to die. i want to stop existing and for my memory to be wiped from this earth so no one feels guilty #even venting makes me feel like a piece of shit but if i dont let it out i really will die #and its paradoxical. because if anyone tries to comfort me I'll feel so guilty about them feeling like they have to reassure me #because i know they don't really mean it and only feel guilty. but no one reassuring me will make me feel so alone like i am #so theres no winning here. i'm mentally ill and probably not going to make it to my 18th birthday. or the end of the summer. whatever #vent

[sharedheadspace]

(host reblogged a ‘gay ask meme’ to their personal + we were asked a few questions from it)

2. whats your “type”

jasper: generally, ‘farmers market hot’ masculine people who could probably kick my ass in a fight. theres plenty of exceptions, but thats the easiest way to tell, say, which character in a movie ill be automatically drawn to. when it comes to actually being interested in and dating someone, i like people i can rely on to tell me when im being an ass, but also help me through mood swings and bad brain days. honesty is the key trait

maura: the type of people where you look at them and just feel warmth and happiness radiating from them. maybe they don’t feel it themselves, in that moment, but they have a sort of, an aura of peace, i suppose

elliott: kindness, and the phrase “quiet strength”, come to mind

maur: knives, good hair, and a nice ass

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)

jasper: really it depends on which life we’re talking about. like in fallout, i was definitely nervous, and we had to work around my scars being a major trigger for me, but overall it wasnt a terrible experience. saints row, on the other hand... ehh, theres a number of reasons i dont talk much about my sex life outside of my relationship with tsurin. my gray warden life was much the same, and im fairly certain in my other dragon age lives i was either drunk or dissociated anyways, so i wasnt even entirely present then

maura: a little nervous, but mostly excited and eager. i can remember that much

elliott: i do not, remember really, but. i would imagine it was uncomfortable, probably. lackluster. not that i, ever had much interest in sex, to begin with

8. opinion on nap dates?

elliott: the ideal

maur: boring as hell if im not already tired. i wanna do shit

10. dog gay or cat gay?

jasper, maura, and maur are dog people

elliott and kite vote cat

clara has no strong feelings one way or the other. she likes turtles though

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self

jasper: sex is only as important and necessary as you want it to be

maura: try to communicate more. make sure everyone is always on the same page, not just during sex

maur: just dont fuckin go to the imperial city. there aint nothin good there

clara: youre hot. use it

kite: you do not have to settle just because you believe you won’t find anything better. you are worth more. your family is

16. who is an ex you regret?

jasper: i dont know if johnny counts. technically we werent together, it was just. a one-off thing, yknow? and maybe if we’d both been in better headspaces at the time it couldve been more than sex, but we werent, so it wasnt, and it was more or less the end of whatever friendship we had. we just drifted apart after that until he died

maur: i still daydream of murderin tanger. feels good to crack his jaw in my head

clara: my first partner was actually a boy, and far too immature to be dating, much less to accept that his girlfriend of maybe a year was turning out to be a lesbian. he kept harassing me after we broke up until i finally decked him with a chair on the presidium. got in trouble with c-sec for starting a fight; dad wasnt happy until i explained it. watched the video jack recorded of it and gave me advice on how to more efficiently beat the jerks ass if he came back for a second round

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for

clara: who wouldnt date liam kosta? the mans a walking ray of sunshine

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?

jasper: chances are yes

maura: bann alfstanna was very tragically heterosexual

clara: oh yes. several. i seem to attract them in a friend way, which makes it excessively difficult to be properly gay

kite: i had the misfortune of marrying one

24. have you ever been heartbroken?

jasper: probably. definitely. hard to think of examples that dont revolve around someone dying, but i dont doubt they happened

maura: oh yes, absolutely. i was with two people for several years, thought we were going to be together more or less forever, only to find out they both considered it a temporary arrangement and they got engaged behind my back. it was not a pretty breakup, i’m sure you can guess

elliott: yes. although, in their defense, i did literally die. i was, not supposed to re-enter their lives

maur: yeah. not always over a relationship, or at least the romantic-y kind, but yeah

clara: most likely. i have few memories but i doubt everything was sunshine and smiles all the time

kite: several times

#filler tag one #filler tag two #filler tag three #filler tag four #filler tag five #jasper talks #jasper memory tag #maura talks #maura memory tag #elliott talks #elliott memory tag #dragonborn talks #dragonborn memory tag #clara talks #clara memory tag #kite talks #kite memory tag